#and i havent really been focusing on kirby lately
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turtleplushi · 1 year ago
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hi
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lavendertowerarchives · 6 months ago
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I will always find something to stress about. Summer is the chillest part of the year, and I'm still worried about too much shit.
I haven't beaten terraria, it's getting on my nerves and making me aggravated with it's sheer difficulty (I'm playing master mode plus I'm just bad).
I haven't written enough of my latest literary fling. I can churn out twenty full pages in a single day, five on a worse day. Why can't I just write when I want to? Why do I have this massive mental block that lets me imagine and write the story in my head, but never through a keyboard?
I've eaten very little. I mean like less than I should, and I've eaten waaay less than I normally do. Today's breakfast was a burrito. Today's dinner was a single tortilla. That's it. I have paralysis when it comes to making food. I really don't want to get up and start a whole new project just to keep my stomach from wrenching itself every two minutes.
I haven't talked to AH all summer. I haven't talked to S all summer. I haven't talked to E all summer. I havent 100% isolated myself but I still need more contact. My parter is nice to be around, AK is nerdy as hell and fun to play games with, PP is lovely to talk to no matter the subject. I just need more. I'm too scared to hit people up so late in the summer. I didn't even wish JC a happy birthday because it had been so long since he talked to me, and he will likely never see me nor seattle ever again.
I intended to do a personal project with JH (her idea, not mine) but there's been barely any contact. I want to ask if we're still on but summer is halfway over. I might've waited too long. For this issue, I just haven't been doing well, and want to bring her a version of me that can code. I haven't written c++ in months.
I haven't watched Inuyasha, Ranma (new series woo), half of GDQ, and most of the stuff in my queue. I just need to devote my entire attention to them, and my attention is always split. Focusing on anime\youtube means not finishing kirby, proxying decks, reading manga...
I still gotta schedule my trip to see my brother, or else not go at all. Fuckin hell. Plane tickets are gonna be awful.
I can't stop focusing on finishing things. I see the halfway mark on some project and see it as nothing at all. I'm halfway through a kirby game (got stuck on boss four), and I feel no pride, no accomplishment, nothing but disappointment for the lack of visible progress. This view is applied to literally everything I do.
What happened to me enjoying things in the moment? Why can't I feel happy unless there's a little box to be ticked off? Why do I feel relief and exhaustion and not satisfaction when a thingy is done? Fuck if I know.
I'm too goal-oriented. I can't do something without fixating on whether it's done or not. The reason I care so much if it's done is it's another thing I have to come back to. I don't want to come back to anything, I want to explore it when it makes me happy and never think about it again.
For every unfinished task, I have to remember it exists. I have three writing projects that I can never let leave my mind, or else risk my fourth project overwriting my memories. One's fifty pages, one's twleve pages, and the other is fourteen. I hate that I measure them in pages. The number should mean nothing at all. It only matters whether I'll ever come back to them.
The only task I'm comfortable with not ever completing is conversing with someone. I will always want more, and sometimes I'll even get my shit together and grab it. That's one of the few things I can do just to do it. I am incapable of interacting with something if there isn't a way to prove I did it.
"What did you do over the summer, Lavender?"
I did half of many things. I have nothing to show for my efforts. Absolutely nothing. No pride, no satisfaction, not even rest.
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