#very old and very kind and the very very last .... if you even gaf...

[ferigrievous]

Can I get some headcanons about Asahi from HQ pls? I read ur others ones and LOVED them

ASAHI AZUMANE HCS ⋆˚࿔

believes in ghosts but would never admit to it outloud

allergic to sunscreen (gets a rash)

that one guy who doesnt play about his nighttime routine

scared of birds but could not tell you why

i personally hc him post timeskip as a flight attendant (fashion designer on the side) 

always packs too much for any type of trip. six pairs of underwear on a three day trip just incase you shit yourself twice a day kind of guy

guilty pleasure is shitty mobile games. probably level a million on candy crush

allergic to cats but found a stray in his neighborhood and couldnt just leave it so he took it home anyway. he is still allergic to cats.

really terrified of bugs but will not kill them and will escort them outside even if he’s crying

thicks socks with sandals are peak practicality even if he knows its ugly. does not gaf

tried to be vegan once because he suddenly got self conscious eating calamari (it wasnt breaded thick enough and he could see the parts of the tentacles) and it lasted four days

still refuses to eat meat that he can make out what it was though unless its hidden

that one guy who can just figure out the different notes of a fragrance

has very strong opinions on when things need to be washed 

lovesss romcoms dude he does NOT play about queereye bro

keeps his nails trimmed short and clean even after graduating. doesnt understand how some people (tanaka and noya) live with the feeling of long nails

takes incredibly long showers

actually wears glasses but suga used to make fun of him for it because he said it made him look like a hippie so he started wearing contacts in second year until he stopped after graduating

doesnt leave the store without buying one thing because he’s afraid people will think he's stealing but the way he walks out of the store all nervous and clutching the item makes people think he’s stealing anyway but doesnt ever stop doing this and he has so much useless shit

thinks about deleting all his socials at least once a week. isnt even online enough that it would make a difference. has 0 posts and 0 tagged but like 4k followers

always burns his bread. he’ll put it on the toaster oven and it wont even be hot, so he’ll turn the crank a little further, and then the next time he checks on it itll be charred

gets emotional seeing old people and has cried multiple times during outings and still refuses to tell anyone what it was about

walked into a glass door once and still thinks about it every time he sees one

always overestimates how much food he needs to cook and ends up having leftovers for the next two days

thinks iced tea is disgusting and is not afraid to say so

has a weirdly formal email signature

will never admit it, but he really likes being needed, even if its just to reach the high shelf 

can lift an insane amount of weight but still lets old ladies cut in line at the grocery store

learned how to play the guitar just enough to accompany himself when he sings, but never tells people he sing

loyal to a fault. the kind of guy who stays at jobs too long because he doesn’t want to leave people hanging and would feel bad. thankful everyday he doesn't work at a black company

[saxandviolins77]

Transformers Skybound #19 and #20 spoilers below cut

ISSUE #19

I was going to talk about issue #19 last month, but what do you know? I had literally nothing of value to add, especially since I'm behind on Void Rivals (sorry, Kirkman) so I know shit about Quintessons in this continuity. Anyway, this story reads more like an intermission; not that this is bad, but there's nothing really meaty here. Well, I guess I have SOME thoughts, soooo.... Bullet point format...?

Ooooh yeah, the trait of Megatron having the need to have the upper hand even in situations where he is at another being's mercy is actually one of my favorite things about him (Movie.) I can't be the only person who thinks Megatron's autopreservation and fear (eh) of being controlled are actually important to his character, right? I'm a "Megatron was built by the Constructicons" believer, so take that as you will.

Evil Matrix of Control (that's the tyranny) AND good Matrix of Freedom ("freedom is the right of all YOU KNOW HOW THIS GOES).

Tank Megatron :(

Megatron loving his planet? Yessir!

Symbolic representation of forced suicide. Whatevs.

Isn't it ironic how Megatron gained his ability to control others through the loss of his own bodily autonomy and against his own volition? He's like, a tool, a tool you wieeeeld???? Yeah.

That was fun. (he says, with a blank look of indifference in his face.)

ISSUE #20

Ok, the one people are actually talking about.

You get your ass kicked for ten minutes and are already asking for him to kill you?? I could be charitable and pretend this is character writing, but like, no.

"WILL YOU PRAY FOR MEEEE WHEN I'M GOOOONE?? OR IS THIS THE ETERNAL DARK WITHOUT A DAAAAAWN?!"

Uh, I mean.

Wow, a Cybertronian getting captured by a human facility? Feeling bold today, aren't we?

Ok, jk jk, I really want to see Mags' PTSD explored. Hopefully.

JAZZ BACKSHOTS 🙌🙌🙌🙌

I liked this scene. I liked how DWJ didn't forget about the grief Spike must've been feeling. Or the grief he didn't have time to feel due to the... Giant robots.

I like Skybound Optimus. And I like how, despite being THAT guy, he still has moments of vulnerability and doubt (lots of it, actually).

Looks like someone was reading the tech specs/biographies before writing.

Brooooo, you can't just say that. Now we know they have a target on their backs.

Dada. Papa. Pops. Dad. Father.

Foreshadowing.... In the shadows! Wow.

Ohhh, we're gonna have an E.T. scene, right? Carly meets her old van, and Shredhead meets her. Bridge between Cybertronians and humans. (That's my pitch.)

Very convenient.

Did he bring Scavenger along too? Like, yk, Microbots. That's my HC.

SCRAPPER HAS A LINE OF DIALOGUE. WE WON. WE WON!!!

Foreshadowing or just a throwaway line? Place your bets.

Dude, you're adorable.

I haven't said this because I'm busy joshing around, but I really like this Megatron. He's very different from other incarnations of him, and I'm all for it. He's cold and calculating, but he clearly has a code of honor and actually cares for his subjects. I like him.

Also, one more Starscream abuse scene for the franchise.

they faces killing me why nobody gaf

Despite not being into this Starscream or his dynamic with Megatron. I can say that in the context of this universe and this issue, this scene was very well done and honestly kind of gut-wrenching.

I'm a little bit worried about Starscream's character from now on. Will he just dissipate into the background? 'Cause there's clearly no space for their common G1 Sunbow bickering.

Scrapper (thinking): "Fuck... Did I remember to turn the oven off back at the base?"

That's it?

DWJ has been building this shit up since issue fucking #8 for this cockblocking move? Not even a name drop? Like, I don't want to complain just so DWJ can pull the rug out from under my feet and make my chin DROP in the next few issues. But the only reaction I had from seeing this was a deeeeeep sigh of disappointment. Like, what a wet fart. I wouldn't mind it that much if he hadn't teased us for so long.

[emotsper]

SO after my szai explanation ask went absolutely insane and two people added their own stuff to it, I am not obsessed with szai thank you very much

anyways, point is that i watch a lot of music videos in my freetime, and while watching watashi wa, watashhitachi wa here are some szai moments that may be overinterpreted but!!!! who cares we're all insane anyways

so first of all the fact that airi got this line.......

second, these two lines

AND LAST THE FACT THAT AIRI WAS THE FIRST ONE TO LIGHT UP IN "there are many things I want to protect"

stupid fruits i love them

oh god dont make me started on song lyrics bc they absolutely devastate me ok . this time thankfully i remember to put the read more but anyways. click only if u gaf enough ab szai bc i do. (also i am not converting u its ok im just crazy enough to remember specific parts of the covers bc they make me insane)

ik the "covers aren't exactly canon" is pretty much accepted on a good chunk by the franchise but it doesn't mean it cant make u crazy.... here are a few cases of crazy ass lines i can think of with a more recent one. starting off with haruai's superhero.

1. HRAI SUPERHERO

this one makes me go insane bc as pris pointed out in the server we're in before, airi sometimes in a sense compare shizuku to a goddess with how pretty and gracious she is and while it can be seen as exaggerated, we can kind of see that she also meant it even in a way that shes not aware of. and shizuku is there to remind her that she's not a god and neither is airi, the one she wants to love 🥲

2. MMJ DEEPSEA GIRL

this one is a bit more straightforward, except now the szai and mnhr parallel(?) is also included. but we'll talk ab szais part only ofc.

(first chorus) airi shutting herself in the shadowy beyond just like her act of moving away from the idol stuff due to her being marketed less of an idol and she disliked it despite her fame rising up, and shizuku who. do i even have to say it. fell in love first.

(second chorus) shizuku had a line before this that reads as "deep sea girl, purposefully falling down" where she starts to doubt herself as an idol when airi lashed out on her back in mainstory, and airi who still haven't moved on her hope of her being a real idol ever since she left her old group up to the point of the confrontation with shizuku 🥲

3. Flos

GIRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL theyre both clearly feeling guilty over dropping off their past idol work especially after airis proclamation of them being rivals when they debuted 😭 im so.

4. I'm a loser!

🥲🥲🥲🥲 airi being the first one who acknowledged shizuku as a real idol, and so is shizuku who acknowledged airi as a real idol, and it got better with them acknowledging each other as their ideal idol.... coughs coughs coughs co

5. Ice drop

🥲 again i dont have to explain this one. the . ough

okay im not gonna do every single comms im just doing the ones i remember from the top of my head 😭 but theres definitely way more crazy ass lines from their songs and yeah. that i am we are line points back to the event where shizuku was worried with her self image after airi lashed out on her and it lasted long enough until the color of myself event where she starts to show more of her true self, not the perfect elegant idol shizuku but the more clumsy and imperfect shizuku :") i love them your honor

[specialgradefckr]

Okayyy I’ve been thinking. What if y/n was the more independent in twincest? I’m talking about like her being this cold babe (you know the ones who serve cunt!) who’s not very emotionally reciprocative and generally just a 180 from the one we have. Now, I know the whole point of twincest is them being dependant on one another but-

Can we just imagine and get a little into this? I would like to know how Satoru’s perspective and behavior would change if his twin

1. Didn’t need him as much as he needs her

2. If she wasn’t jealous about him being with Suguru, or worse, she’d be absolutely okay with that and gave him a thumbs up

3. Wasn’t as timid and could actually speak up for herself

It always makes me sad when y/n (as in we) is miserable in fanfiction. When you say Satoru loves her like he loves air I think to myself “what if he loves Suguru more?!” Like!!! I know she feels the same way and the idea that he could (and maybe would) choose that guy over her… I bet this would’t be the case if she didn’t gaf about Satoru. Then he’d be running after her like a puppy

hehehe it's always fun to hear you guys say you've been thinking!!! my fics (and wips) absolutely haunt my mind so i love hearing that they're out living in your brains too!

that being said, this is very much like,,, a type of coping daydream that readers (including me!) have about fics that aren't going the reader's way.

i'm actually really with you on the "it always makes me sad when reader insert is miserable" - when i'm reading fics, i have a limited tolerance for how bad things can get for reader, and if it's just this misery conga line with no hope or redeeming factors, i'm prone to losing interest, and daydreaming along these lines, myself!

that being said, as a writer, even for reader-inserts,,, my job is not always "give the reader what they want". it's not BAD to do that, that's how we get all these awesome delicious pwp and fluff/romance pieces etc., those are fun fics and i love them!

but variety is the spice of life, and for me specifically, it gets old reading the same kind of fic over and over. sometimes,,, you gotta suffer a little for your reward. you gotta struggle. you gotta experience pain and suffering and jealousy, to add texture, to get invested in it on a deeper level.

that's all to say that like. your idea here is kinda incompatible with the fic itself. twin!reader is established to be sensitive and deeply attached to satoru.

to humor you anyways, if the reader did try to shut him out like this; you'd suffer about as much as him. you'd get intensely lonely, you'd feel uncomfortable around friends after a while. no matter how well they know you, it's just not like how it was with satoru, who's known you since you were born.

i don't imagine satoru freaking out right away. he would probably start sleeping with suguru to replace you (it wouldn't work). the lack of sleep could probably make him irritable. like he's lost his favorite blanket. going to bed isn't familiar and easy anymore.

i see him intruding on your space anyways after a while. putting himself between you and other people, demanding your attention in a way that doesn't really ask. he also definitely starts to make more use of suguru, publicly, openly, he's not even above texting you pictures (or videos) of them together (at... varying levels of intimacy) to get you to respond.

he turns into an annoying little brother who will say or do ANYTHING for your attention. it's the most obnoxious thing ever. i feel like it couldn't last long tbh, but that's mostly because the narrative really isn't built for this.

as for the reader being timid - well, you're kinda a product of your environment, there. it's important to remember in the very first fic, satoru is a lonely child who is worshipped by his clan, and you're a nobody - except for the fact that he feels close to you.

you try to speak your mind; you ask satoru for reassurance that he likes you more. but satoru never learned to listen. he's never even had to be jealous before, he's had you all to himself for most of his life.

you're actually being very proactive - it's implied in the fic where you have sex with suguru, you are doing that specifically to mess with satoru. you have agency, and spite, and your own motivations, entirely separate from how suguru thinks about getting his dick wet lol.

so far we've been pretty limited by the pov we're locked into, which is pretty intentional. each character is getting VERY into their own heads in this series. i don't have the next part drafted, but i will remark - notably missing so far from this series has been satoru's own pov...

[summercosmos]

Fablehaven Pokemon AU; Pt 2 (Seth)

lore drop below

Seth as a pokemon ranger!

Seth would be bored out of his MIND tending to the daycare all day; running showers for and grooming cutesy pokemon is fun for about the first four times you do it only.

it doesn't help that there are more interesting (read: unsafe) pokemon available right at the fablehaven daycare! it's just that grandpa sorenson will not budge in letting his grandkids interact with those. something about lacking "experience" and "expertise".

Seth: alright then. bet ←(gets himself into a ranger school Like A Boss)

there's really nothing anyone can do about the school sign up— I'm thinking kids in the pokemon universe are considered their own legal representation around the time they graduate trainer school (13-14 yrs old)

and after the initial scare, everyone concedes it's kind of a good idea, really. Seth gets to explore and interact with wild pokemon while still in a somewhat controlled environment, minimizing the amount of trouble to be stirred.

Kendra is happy to be the one to inform Seth that Ranger School does, too, involve actual textbook studying. he forgor💀

Seth would do the bare minimum for the theory aspects — what he really excels at is practical demonstrations!!!

don't let anyone tell you otherwise; pokemon absolutely interact with people based on Vibes. if you show that misdreavus even the smallest of hesitation you're getting Astonished into your next life dawg.

obviously this is not a problem for Seth. in fact i think he'd be at his very best when approaching wild Dark & Ghost types; those are the most likely to feed from fear and distress!

if you have no fear to feed the little creepers with then theyll be like Well. Hmm. What Now. (top tier strategy)

while on that the rangers here are a bit of mix from the spin offs and from the trainer class from the og games. they have one partner pokemon that will accompany them in their main rescue missions, but their job also involves protecting certain areas from poachers &/or criminals— that means there's also a lot of pokemon battling!

I'll be honest i think Seth's main criteria for his pokemon team is Does It Look Cool? Catch

when his eevee evolved into a sylveon he had to pause to cry throw up bang fists on the wall roll around for a bit. imagine having your team astethics ruined by the sparkly fairy type. Kendra makes fun of it at least once

still comes back to the daycare even while on the training stage; when he graduates as an actual ranger the first place Seth will suggest to send rescued pokemon to is fablehaven

Partner Pokemon

Absol: look at me in the eyes a dark type pokemon which is frequently labeled as a chaos bringer & malicious when it in fact only has intentions to help warn people beforehand so they can escape disaster. who else could i even give this to. it literally gets wings in its mega form LOOOOK AT ME

okay so anyways Absol are pokemon which are frequently abused bc of superstition so it isn't a stretch to say one would have eventually found its way to fablehaven daycare as a rescue. this is still in the early days of Kendra and Seth being there to help out so obvs they wouldn't be allowed to handle this one bc of the dark typing and its general bad rep. do you think seth gaf though he does NOT his ass would absolutely sneak out at night to the enclosure they kept absol at and try to make friends with it. the secret lasts about a week (Kendra snitches) but grandparents end up letting him actually catch absol bc they bonded. aw

(rest of the) Team!

Meowth: first pokemon, a gift from his parents! Seth isn't much interested in it bc it's so very normal and boring and not very Cool until he finds out this cat can basically sniff out shiny things (coins & jewels included) and it quickly becomes a Get Rich scheme. which only works on paper for about 2 minutes until he realizes the meowth will absolutely NOT allow anyone (owner or otherwise) to get their hands on its loot. it kind of becomes a srungly family pet though like in a drowned ugly rat kind of way so its still loved regardless. isn't much used in battles so it hasn't quite had the chance to evolve.

Spiritomb: sorry but how can you tempt a child mentioning there's a antique keystone that contains a cool ghost pokemon inside of it and expect him to not do anything about it like thats on YOU. anyhow Seth frees the spiritomb out of the odd keystone and finds out its just a little guy that got locked away for playing too many pranks. come on there's not even a good reasoning to take it away from him

Braviary: caught as a rufflet! pokedex entry from black & white 2→ "It stands up to massive opponents, not out of courage, but out of recklessness. But that is how it gets stronger." it probably tried to pick a fight with Hugo the Golurk and Seth thought it was the funniest thing ever and immediately caught it.

Golurk (Hugo): actually more attached to the fablehaven daycare than anything; it has its orders to protect the people and pokemon inside of the property. still Seth bonds with it more than anyone else and maybe actually brings the guy outside so it can see the world. cuties

Sylveon: okay now bear with me. LISTEN! Seth wouldn't have used any evolution stones on his (graduation gift) eevee bc he was hoping for a high friendship evolution, either espeon or umbreon. well. can you even imagine the look on his face when the evolution process finished and the first thing he saw was a pink ribbon. oh hed lose it. anyways sylveon are actually very combative pokemon — it lures foes in with the cute face and then pounces. they go out of their way to actively fight dragon pokemon likeee can you see the vision. Seth feels immediately better abt the whole thing when sylveon whoops a whole ass hydreigon with one singular Moonblast.

oh i had a Time making this. i love you pokemon au i really do. ill probably do either ronodin or bracken next

[kieranhqs]

Welcome to New York {KIERAN YATES} !! They are a {36} year old {CIS MAN} who uses {HE/HIM} pronouns. They’re a {BARTENDER} who has been in town for {SIX MONTHS}, who lives in {BROOKLYN}. When looking at {KIERAN} you automatically think of {EARLY MORNINGS & LATE NIGHTS, FALLING-APART CONVERSE HI TOPS, THE CONSTANT FEELING OF BEING OUT OF PLACE} but that probably makes sense since they also remind you of {JOSEPH GILGUN}. You can always hear {IN THE CITY} by {THE JAM} coming from their place. Who knows what kind of trouble they’re going to get themselves into. [penny, 25, gmt]

fullname:  kieran james yates. nickname(s): kier, kj. not a particular fan of either, but will answer to pretty much anything. age:  thirty-six. birthday: march 28th. gender / pronouns:  cis man ,  he / him. but basically by default because he does not gaf. orientation:  pansexual / panomantic. place of birth: chorley, lancashire, england. current residence: brooklyn, new york. height: 6'1. distinguishing features: basically head to toe tattoos. personality: loyal, immature, unreliable, kind-hearted.

( tw ; substance abuse, mental health, alcohol, drugs / use )

born in lancashire to young parents who were struggling with substance abuse ; the last time they were really involved in kieran's life was his birth. and his dad was three hours late for that, so it really set the scene. much of his childhood was therefore spent in and out of care ( mostly in ), but he doesn't hold it against his parents. looking back, it's pretty clear that they were not prepared and frankly ill-suited to look after a child anyway.

kieran hated school from the moment he stepped foot in it. actually, he quite enjoyed the first year of primary school, but from there it went downhill. he was consistently truant from about the age of seven and generally a nightmare for many a social worker, foster parent & group home.

it wasn't until seventeen ( when he decided to go back to try and pass maths & english to get a mechanic apprenticeship ) that he was finally diagnosed with adhd & dyslexia and depression & anxiety, but he knew about the latter. it had the opposite of the desired effect, though -- sure, he could admit that it helped him understand himself a bit more -- but it also became the final nail in the coffin of effort in educational attainment, so he dropped out of college and kept working as a bartender in his local.

with nothing but evening work in the pub to keep him occupied, and a boredom so deep it had definitely seeped through into his bones, kieran turned to petty crimes to entertain himself. it was mostly theft -- he was surprisingly good at it for someone with all the subtlety of a drunk elephant, and for someone who was very often, extremely intoxicated ( by one substance or another, or possibly a few at once ) at the time.

and that's really all he did from the age of seventeen until just over a year ago. he was sent to prison for six months for stealing a car ( actually, he'd really just taken it for a joyride and fully intended to return it, but apparently that wasn't relevant ). admittedly, it was the longest time he'd been completely sober since... forever, and he had ( foolishly, he thinks ) been quite proud of himself for that. the sobriety lasted no longer than 24 hours after kieran had been released and he woke up the next day with the desire to just leave.

he turned to the only person he felt did more than just tolerate him ( a retired teacher & local who'd suggested he go back to college and look into diagnosis, and who had really looked out for him his whole life -- though he has no idea why ) with an idea. to his surprise she agreed to help him move to the states -- he managed to raise most of the money himself, working across several establishments bartending and picking up odd jobs in the local area, but she also helped financially and made sure he had all the necessary paperwork. it was the most focused he's ever been in his life, and because of it he was doing well -- not sober, by any means, but close.

he's been in the city for six months now, living in the renaissance buildings in brooklyn with countless other roommates, and no doubt annoying the hell out of all of them. when he first moved, the wild life had calmed down a little -- for a while he'd limited himself just to alcohol use, but that was of course a slippery slope, and one he slid down almost immediately. he's managed to gain and keep ( somehow ) two jobs bartending ; one in a dive bar and the other in a club, for a few months now, though he is kind of expecting he'll be fired soon. that's usually how it goes, and he can't blame them.

headcanons

a chaos merchant if there ever was one, and kieran lives for it in one sense. it keeps him occupied, there's always something to do, someone to go wild with, but it's also a source of serious conflict for him. he knows at the ripe age of thirty-six he should have a bit more of a grip on himself and probably mature, settle down at some point like people do. but then the predominant part of him thinks he's just not suited for that -- he's not the type of person made to be loved, just... tolerated when a good time is to be had.

needless to say, his self esteem ( and mental health along with it ) is on the floor. he would never admit it, but that is the root cause of his substance abuse. he can feel better about himself for a bit, stop thinking so much and just live in the moment ; have some fun.

does not and doesn't really know how to look after himself. he's six foot, lanky as hell and looks like a strong wind could blow him over and honestly it probably could. he never remembers to eat, cannot cook to save his life, and hasn't ever really tried to.

a sensitive, golden retriever soul beneath all the bravado and intoxication. definitely a ride or die type friend, if a little unreliable -- he'll say he's on his way, then get distracted by a side quest. such a very little / non-existent sense of self-preservation, would tie himself in knots trying to help anyone.

can't really read. well, he can. but not very well at all -- the truth is he barely learnt to in the first place, and he did not keep it up. it's probably the most difficult thing for him to do, and he is very easily dissuaded from trying to do things. it requires effort, and honestly he is a bit embarrassed about it. if you send him a text longer than a sentence or two he will just call you ( or alternatively, just show up ) to find out what's up. actually made reading a novel ( for the first time ) a goal for the year, but he hasn't even picked up a book yet -- and probably won't.

promiscuous is probably not a strong enough word for kieran. the short of it is, he loves people -- platonically, too. you just have to make eye contact with him for three seconds and you're already considered a new best friend. romantically, he's much less forthcoming. prefers and no doubt has had countless one night stands, flings, flirtationships. will flirt with anything that moves and likewise will sleep with anything that moves. the fact that he absolutely hates sleeping alone does play a part in this and there's absolutely a large part of him that would love to cuddle and chat afterwards... but that feels very intimate / vulnerable and he probably just sneaks out a lot to avoid it.

calls everybody -- absolutely everybody -- mate, love, sweetheart, babe, darling and any other term of endearment that takes his fancy in the moment. especially likes it when the receiver gets proper riled up about. bc it's funny innit. strong lancashire accent that he likes to use to fuck around with people.

wanted connections. pinterest board.

literally everything pls. any number of past/present flings, or one night stands. a good influence !! lord knows he needs one. bar regulars. a fellow / mutual bad influence, drinking buddies, weed buddies, etc. roommates & neighbours -- those who hate his disruptive ass, those who don't mind him or at least find him kind of entertaining. cousins, however distant. coworkers. friends with feelings. general friends. found family.

[ca-suffit]

Before I came to know your account, I used to follow NCL

What I know about what she used to say until that point is that she won't reveal what she means by PoC because that could lead to doxxing (because people could find out where she lives).

And about that tweet, I know she said she apologized and that it was bad wording because she was trying to be sarcastic like sad laughing or something like that and not insensitive but came out wrong, due to her difficulty in signaling tone of voice, etc, because she's autistic.

I mean, I can see that making sense if true (I'm white&autistic myself tho, so maybe I'm just being too accomplice, I apologize if that's the case), but still she is always very defensive about everything that matters, super friendly with those racists, have blocked you, etc etc etc.

So, if she actually didn't mean any harm, why act like that? Why favour those people? Why is she more worried about defending her "reputation" and being offended when called racist than actually trying to do right by the stuff she's been called out for? Seems hypocritical, at best.

ur asking the right questions tbh. bcuz ppl's actions will show u who they are. her words are always performative. that's everyone here from this group. nobody rly takes any accountability or shows they've grown from mistakes. they wouldn't be fighting against this account if that was true, bcuz all I'm ever doing is showing them their own words. I've never seen NCL or any of them change anything, only make excuses. elon musk says he's autistic too, who gives a fuck (that's not meant against u btw, it's a general comment on this kind of behavior). lots of autistic ppl don't act like him. u can tell who is using any identity as an excuse to keep doing shitty things and it's an age old tactic for all kinds of bigots to use.

it's also funny she's concerned w doxxing when it's *her* but doesn't gaf when it's a trans person who isn't even here anymore, who literally was directly tied to the post she was making. someone else who dealt with fandom harassment and still is, even not being here?? who cares obviously, it's not her.

u notice also how many of this group she/they themselves too but have no problem making ableist jokes about this same trans guy, as if that isn't often the most obvious way ppl are usually transphobic (implying being transgender is a mental illness)?? (the last screencap, that's obviously nalyra's writing). u would think there'd be some care for that topic from ppl who claim to be trans themselves. like the autism or "poc" thing, nothing is ever a "shield" from criticism. so many white fandom ppl work against their own groups too, only bringing out these identities to protect themselves but saying everyone else in that group who isn't agreeing with them can get killed, who cares.

it's always all only what they think makes *them* look best. they only care about their own groups and act like a cult to keep each other in line, then also agree to go after the same targets so it sounds like there's a "true" story there without ever providing evidence. they cry the loudest about everything when there's never anything anyone sees of *them* getting bullied.

they also purposely get themselves close to the cast and crew so they can hold ppl hostage into not disagreeing with them or else ur "out" and now Sam Reid won't know u exist or whatever the fuck.

it's not worth it to stay around them for that shit. they do not care about anyone and this bullshit of her building "community" is white fandom propaganda bcuz she's obviously only in this for her own reputation. she wouldn't have issues with my account if she was interested in fucking "community." I'm flat out telling her the issues and I *know* she's been told for *years* too and she's intentionally ignoring it. so ppl can cry all the want that I can also directly tell cast and crew shit too, it's not some special off limits thing only for white fandom. I'm not here to be liked anyway, I'm here to call this shit out and that's exactly what I've been doing. they're scared as hell too which is why every time I do smething they *rly* hate, they try to hit back as hard as they can but it's the same tired shit. 6 months and no creativity bcuz all they are is pathetic nobodies, that's why they don't have reputations in the fandom as anything but annoying, boring assholes.

[lycanresistance]

hiii im the anon who sent the message about relooking into your old analyses on mystreet content from years and form my opinion on them. I didnt realize me brining up yellowjackets would cause whole different discussion on it, and i agree with you. it’s becoming cartoonishly riverdale, but i fuck with the concept and i support women’s wrongs,,,for the most part. I never catched up season 3 bc i knew it was gonna disappoint me like crazy ever since older nat died.

i would be down to know you’re thoughts on current media you’re into like movies or shows, you seem pretty cool despite me having slightly different opinions on aphmau stuff ( mcrps suck anyway, yolo)

- 🍓

i feel bad the other yellowjackets anon sent me another ask and i was like "oh i'll answer it when i catch up" and i just. HAVE NOT CAUGHT UP. so if you're reading this the other person im sorry. Anyways on to you anon. i appreciate the compliment having different opinions on mcrp is all kosher here (because of course it all sucks anyway)

i get u like i do need to clarify even if im comparing it negatively to riverdale I REALLY LIKE RIVERDALE like i think its hilarious and i think it has a grasp on tone that is very intentionally absurder and campier as it goes on which i just dont think yellowjackets has been pulling off as much but it is similar we just need like a yellowjackets musical episode or something idk. also i totally support women's wrongs misty is lowkey my fav

i'm trying to think if i have any like. Relevant opinions that aren't related to movies (i absolutely loved Sinners recently and i have complicated feelings on The Shrouds... here's my letterboxd if anyone gaf) my boyfriend and i have been reading Blue Lock which is funny and enjoyable i love high stakes sports. been watching my friend stream The Hundred Line -Last Defense Academy- lately (the new game by kodaka the danganronpa guy. and the zero escape guy! whose name i dont remember) which is completely irredeemably terrible but also the most fun thing ever kind of (in part cause there's 4 of us playing/watching so we're in this together) i also posted like 15k words of fallout 4 fanfiction like a week ago. So that's something

[pezpenser205]

wait thats actually kind of wild i have like. the opposite of that. im great at making people as comfortable as i can when talking to me and can do like. step one of Make A Friend but it just doesnt develop, and in the instance it does i always like people way more than they ever like me. feels like the instinct to talk to people never really hit me, theres an Awareness that everyone else in the world is more connected to each other than i am to anyone. i do suspect this is due to being a #revolutionary secondborn (everyone on earth thinking i was a total cunt as soon as i was old enough to have a personality that wasnt just fawning like my older sibling)

long ass poast warnang!!! tldr at the bottom

i also have that awareness but i think thats just my Curse (autism). i also had the "all my peers fucking hate me at worst and dont gaf about me at best and treat me as subhuman when i try to talk to them but i try to love everyone even though they all keep leaving me" childhood. everything youre talking about all basically used to be me actually.

accutane + developing an obnoxious and conspicuous style + getting broken up with + wearing my hair different + getting simultaneously kinder and more assertive/bitchier to assholes irl + being more "thin passing" because of puberty or whatev basically changed how people see me entirely, and shifted me over to whatever tf im doing now, which i think sucks!!! i was 100% being sarcastic in my tags. dont be like me i think this is a nightmare. i dont think it was worth losing myself over and it still is kinda haunting to think everyone irl who likes me now and compliments me is probably the kind of person who wouldve giggled at little 12yo me who wanted a friend more than anything in the world.

people see me as equal to them often even though i still feel that invisible wall there just like you and dont feel like a "real" person at all bc that stuff still lingers. the uptight cis dudes uncool people dont really like me that much bc im very clearly a tranny, but they dont often look at me like im a thing whos too stupid to understand them when theyre talking about me anymore. they look at me like im annoying and gross and deserving of violence. which to me, is infinitely better.

i still wish awkward and weird little guys were treated as equals by default and i relate to you a lot, because i was also kinda treated like a pet, always cared about other people way more than they cared about me, and couldnt tell that all my "friends" were using me or just didnt like me that much.

i have experienced the isolation you feel and i know you dont deserve it, because no one deserves to be disconnected and/or dehumanized. even though i sucked more within my last relationship, and DID deserve getting broken up with at that point, i dont think me before that "deserved" to experience the things that led me to thinking that was an okay way to act towards people.

you shouldnt have to remake the harmless parts of yourself at all and if anything youre definitely perfect as is, save for maybe needing to learn to value yourself, learn to be okay with taking up space, learn whats okay socially and within relationships, and learn how to communicate properly— all things you cant do if youre isolated! you also probably just havent found the people who really click with you yet, or you have found them but feel too out of place to initiate. being the "opposite" of me is definitely a good thing because im kind of a collage of a person rather than a real human being, so the opposite of that would be a really earnest person who needs a few hundred nudges in the right direction.

i do encourage you to just go crazy with reaching out to people even if you dont think its "right," because youll never know whats "right" if you dont try a bunch of things that are "wrong" first. its not something that can be observed or explained, you MUST get experience. if you start online and work your way up to irl as long as youre nice the worst they can do is think youre weird. you miss every shot you dont take and if youre born with Low Accuracy Disease (being raised isolated, neurodivergent, trans), youre gonna need to fire so many more shots than the average person anyway to land a good one so you might as well invest in a machine gun lol. i believe in you and im 100% sure youre awesome and cool and i think everyone should be nicer to you immediately ^_^ <3

tldr; i relate to you a lot and you deserve love. youre perfect and change nothing about yourself but your strategy for reaching out to others. the right people will find you.

[eyedi]

so i haven't watched batter up but i've seen clips and that's basically the same thing, and from what i've seen... i'm not missing out on very much lol. like let's start out with the yg EYE remember, with the most fashion-forward, trendy groups out there - they had an edge that couldn't be imitated for a very long time. 2NE1's collaborations with jeremy scott and adidas are still legendary, i think they really established a real connection for what kpop fashion could really be (at least for the second gen)

but everyone knows by now that they've pretty much gotten comfortable with where they are - meanwhile, the hip-hop baddie hood unnie concept has been ran thru since at least 2013. everyone has the same access to the same sound and the same pinterest boards and the same set design or whatever

but they don't want to adapt! bc they know how loyal stans can be to their groups, and therefore they can keep peddling the same reject songs they've had for 10 years. batter up sounds like it could have been released by blackpink in 2018 right along with ddu du ddu du. and though it would be kind of insulting to say it could be a 2NE1 song, i can hear them on it too

but what yg doesn't know is that the only reason their stans are so dedicated is because the individual members can stand on their own. at least in big bang, 2NE1, and blackpink's case, which leads me to another problem yg has, managing groups with more than 5 members. winner is an exception to this rule because mino is really the only one who stands out to me. then you have ikon with bobby being the most recognizable member. and treasure... no one knows wtf they're doing with those fiftyleven members... i genuinely could not pick any of them out of a lineup... you could point to any nugu kpop boy and say he's in treasure and i'd be like yeah sure. and with babymonster (i really love this name btw), i would say the standout is pharita? maybe? but everyone else kinda fades into the background. they need a Role, something that makes them an essential part of the group. yg used to understand how to do this, but they've lost it in recent years. babymonster will lowkey be fine bc they had their little webseries thing that made people become weirdly attached to them predebut. but if they didn't debut this year after all the delays their hype train would have died down hard.

but when blackpink debuted, it was huge because it was the first yg girl group since 2009, 2NE1 was basically being punished for being old hags (only half kidding), it was time for FUTURE 2NE1!!!!!!!! but we now see that yg is really just terrible at managing girl groups, so this debut just doesn't seem appropriately timed. debuts in general don't feel huge or important anymore. like sm just debuted a new boy group a couple months ago and it's... crickets (which is kinda nct's fault but that's a topic for another day). call it oversaturation or whatever but you really have to be doing some crazy shit for people to gaf about new groups. newjeans was maybe the last debut that made some noise because surprise drops are pretty unheard of in kpop.

but yeah yg kinda just lost its entire flavor. they're a legacy label of course, but the only thing that's keeping them relevant rn is blackpink, and if they leave, well... you know. hybe took their spot in the big 3, if anyone even still believes in that anymore. side note, this will never happen to sm btw. that's not even the pink blood in me (ew) i genuinely believe if sm were to fall, it would have happened a long time ago. jyp (the company) stays in the big 3 because twice and also jyp (the man) is egregiously fame-hungry. he would do anything and everything to keep his name in the streets

anyway i think yang hyunsuk deserves to have his name attached to a has-been company that is tarnished forever due to his and his associates' various crimes but i do feel bad for those young girls because blackpink and 2NE1 are definitely an indication of what's going to happen. i hope they don't have the roughest go of it at least

the decline of yg has been so interesting to watch in real time. i'm gonna write about it soon

[sandsofdteam-moved]

yeah George is right at the end of the thread, giving attention to these kinds of clips constantly is just Not Constructive in any way, shape, or form. I get wanting apologies but people get their undies in a twist over things that were privated or deleted or just flat out old, essentially things people KNOW are bad and have taken the time to distance themselves from. I’ve literally watched dteam change their joke style and become better people in the last 2 years as fans have shown them that the shit they’ve learned from worse gaming spaces in the past are offensive at best and incendiary at worst for those already down the pipeline.

I think it’s stupid for anyone to delude themselves into thinking more shit isn’t going to come out, since the global elite rank we laud George for means he’s sat in 2014 cs:go lobbies for an unfathomable number of hours. If you’d grown up in gaming spaces before that, all those lobbies will do is solidify the shitty rhetoric and attitude more, and the mc pvp scene wasn’t (n honestly still isn’t) that pretty either, which is where we know most of the munchy crew comes from. More shit about them will come out, I’m sure of it, but George and Sap have been at the front lines of seeing Dream be publicly lambasted for every single wrong he’s ever committed, regardless of its actual weight, so they’ve in turn changed too. Nearly every actual controversy the dt have been in and apologized for recently have been for things that are not public because they know they were wrong, and have grown as people from it.

I understand that people are upset and it takes a hot sec to reflect on but the 2010s gaming space was not the comparatively utopian space we have now, even in the minecraft youtube community. The things we see show up about all of them were just things people said. Doesn’t make it right, doesn’t defend them from lacking the common sense to not say those things, but the average gamer gave much less of a shit about who they could be hurting when they’re going for maximum damage on an opponent’s psyche to win. If that means throwing around slurs and racism and misogyny no one gaf as long as they won. Unlearning that is difficult, considering how kneejerk of a reaction it is for people (just look at sap’s last ‘aids’ comment and his immediate apology and regret), but dnf who have seemingly distanced themselves from fps lobbies where this is more common have very obviously made conscious changes that show they’re better. (This isn’t to say it’s sap’s fault either, he just happens to like the mechanics of fps games where this behavior is unfortunately still prevalent in the player base)

All these public manhunts do is hurt more people, and the more attention we as a community bring to them the more likely they are to be spread around in bad faith aka hurting dt’s reputation instead of wanting clarification on them being better. I get wanting apologies, I do, but sometimes it’s better to leave things in the past and make a decision for yourself about if you think a content creator has changed. We don’t know them, but imo the things they present publicly nowadays simply don’t reflect the same person in those clips, same goes for someone like Phil who had 10+ year old clips dug up solely to add him to a cancel thread about sbi. The more attention we give to things like this the more frequently they’re likely to get dug up and the more people are going to get hurt from behavior that has changed.

Idk I think the proper mindset is to face the fact they were shitty people in the past, likely including their first few months as content creators under their current names. But their audience has taught them so much and their regard for what they say has changed substantially and for the better, so why drag them back to where they used to be? How can people be encouraged to change their beliefs if the only thing that they receive in exchange is the fact that they were a bad person hung over their head forever? If they’ve truly changed and learned, the guilt is already there. If you decree their actions were too much, leave of your own accord. Putting his foot down was the best possible thing to do in a situation like this, making sure that people are aware there’s more stuff likely out there, but discouraging using someone’s past, which is often deeply buried under privacy measures, to define them.

[delphinidin4]

“Abominable neglect and unkindness”: Fanny Price and Trauma

I have C-PTSD, and it’s really been on my mind as I’ve been rereading Mansfield Park by Jane Austen: her heroine of Fanny Price is so OBVIOUSLY traumatized that I started making notes upon notes upon notes in my kindle copy on her symptoms and their causes. A couple of my followers said they’d be interested to read my analysis if I wrote it up, and it doesn’t take much to encourage me to put a few thousand words on the page screen! So below is my (probably WAY too long) analysis of Fanny Price’s emotional trauma and complex PTSD (a form of PTSD often caused by long-term emotional abuse/neglect). It’s hella long. sorrynotsorry lol

*unleashes inner academic*

Part 1: How Fanny Price Was Traumatized

Trauma 1: She is taken from family and home. 

Okay, imagine this: You’re ten years old. You grew up in a noisy, lower-middle-class family with multiple little siblings and both your parents. You are the oldest girl, and are important to all the members of your family because you act as “playfellow, instructress, and nurse” to your younger siblings. You are also “exceedingly timid and shy”. And suddenly you find out that your mother is SENDING YOU AWAY--far, far away--to aunts and uncle and cousins you’ve never met before, to be raised by THEM instead of your parents. Leaving everything else out of the equation for a second, that by itself would be ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING.  You would feel like your parents didn’t love you and didn’t want you. You weren’t important to them. You might wonder what you did wrong to be sent away. And THEN it turns out you’re NEVER COMING BACK. EVER. Fanny doesn’t see her family again until she is, I think nineteen years old. At first, she doesn’t even have the means to write to her brother William, which was to be her ONLY connection to her family: it seems her parents don’t write to her at all over the course of the novel.

All of this would be bad enough. But to come to a place that was entirely alien to everything you had known... I mean, think about it. This is Mansfield Park, an ENORMOUS house with MANY servants, a completely different way of doing things. There’s MONEY. Even the items around you are of a totally different quality than you’re used to: Austen says of Fanny’s initial impression of Mansfield, “The grandeur of the house astonished, but could not console her. The rooms were too large for her to move in with ease: whatever she touched she expected to injure, and she crept about in constant terror of something or other; often retreating towards her own chamber to cry.” The accent people speak with is probably different. The vocabulary is probably different. And everybody DEFINITELY thought she was under-educated (more about this in a bit) because she didn’t have the education of a gentleman’s daughter--because she ISN’T a gentleman’s daughter. It must have caused her intense culture shock.

Trauma 2: William’s absence

It’s clear that in her childhood in Portsmouth, William is the dearest member of Fanny’s family (see below for a discussion of her parents). When Fanny first arrives at Mansfield, Edmund discovers that, 

dear as all these brothers and sisters generally were, there was one among them who ran more in her thoughts than the rest. It was William whom she talked of most, and wanted most to see. William, the eldest, a year older than herself, her constant companion and friend; her advocate with her mother (of whom he was the darling) in every distress. ‘William did not like she should come away; he had told her he should miss her very much indeed.’ 

Fanny’s one really warm and loving connection seems to be with William, and she is parted from him, first by her move to Mansfield, and then by his going to sea:

Once, and once only, in the course of many years, had she the happiness of being with William. Of the rest [of her Portsmouth family] she saw nothing: nobody seemed to think of her ever going amongst them again, even for a visit, nobody at home seemed to want her; but William determining, soon after her removal, to be a sailor, was invited to spend a week with his sister in Northamptonshire before he went to sea. Their eager affection in meeting, their exquisite delight in being together, their hours of happy mirth, and moments of serious conference, may be imagined; as well as ...the misery of the girl when he left her. Luckily the visit happened in the Christmas holidays, when she could directly look for comfort to her cousin Edmund.

Fanny continues a correspondence with William when he is at sea, but it’s clear that his long absence from her life is very difficult for her.

One final note on her being parted from her family for long intervals: I think we might actually see a sign of this trauma in an emotional flashback later in the book.

For those unfamiliar with complex PTSD, flashbacks don’t always mean that you have a sort of hallucination of a traumatic experience. In the case of complex PTSD and PTSD from early childhood trauma, flashbacks often occur in the form of “emotional flashbacks”: instead of re-experiencing the sensory  input of the traumatic experience (seeing and hearing the experience all over again when triggered), emotional flashbacks consist ONLY of the emotional content of the trauma. They result in sudden rushes of negative emotions such as fear, shame, sorrow, despair, embarrassment, anger, etc. This may be partly because the trigger is acting on so many different traumatic memories at once (the brain can’t just pick out one to show to you) and partly because the traumatic memory being triggered is from so early in your childhood that you don’t have a direct memory of it anymore, just the trauma memory. Emotional flashbacks can be identified by comparing the emotional response to the stimulus: If the emotion is inappropriate for the situation or inappropriately intense, it may well be a flashback.

In this scene, Miss Crawford--whom Fanny does not care for at all--is taking her leave of Fanny: I find it to be illuminating.

And embracing her very affectionately, “Good, gentle Fanny! when I think of this being the last time of seeing you for I do not know how long, I feel it quite impossible to do anything but love you.”

Fanny was affected. She had not foreseen anything of this, and her feelings could seldom withstand the melancholy influence of the word “last.” She cried as if she had loved Miss Crawford more than she possibly could.

It sounds to me as if Fanny is having a negative reaction that is out of proportion for and inappropriate to the situation. Miss Crawford is leaving, and Fanny is GLAD that she is leaving. Nonetheless, she is involuntarily emotionally “affected” by Miss Crawford’s goodbye, and cries far more than is actually in keeping with her feelings. It seems like Fanny is triggered by the leave-taking and “the melancholy influence of the word ‘last’.”  Fanny has had traumatic leave-takings from her family and her beloved William; and things like “This is the last time I’ll see you for who knows how long” must have been said to her before in intensely traumatic situations. So it’s no wonder she gets triggered by this situation’s similarity to those and has an out-sized emotional response. Separations from her family and from William were definitely traumatic to her and reminders of them now trigger trauma responses.

Trauma 3: Emotional neglect by parental figures

Fanny might not have been so badly traumatized by leaving her family and being separated from William if she had had emotional support from adult caregivers. Research has shown that if a child has even ONE adult to whom they can talk openly about their feelings, that can insulate them against the effects of trauma.

Fanny doesn’t have this. Both Sir Thomas and Lady Bertram are emotionally neglectful and distant.* Lady Bertram is pleasant, but is entirely self-centered and doesn’t really GAF about anybody or anything that doesn’t directly affect her. While she never abuses or hurts Fanny with unkindness, she also never comforts her, listens to her, or seems to do anything but get Fanny to fetch and carry for her and do half her sewing for her. There is a total lack of emotional  connection between them until considerably later in the story. 

[*Footnote: Miss Lee is surprisingly absent from the narrative and seems to be of no emotional support to Fanny whatsoever.]

Sir Thomas is worse. While he intends to take good care of Fanny--and to his credit, he does make sure she has her material needs met, is well educated, gets exercise, etc--he cannot be said to be NICE to her. Even when she first arrives, when he is trying his hardest to be kind, Austen says, “Sir Thomas, seeing how much she needed encouragement, tried to be all that was conciliating: but he had to work against a most untoward gravity of deportment.” He’s not good with kids, and he seems to be highly critical of Fanny, especially before his return from Antigua. Apparently he used to terrify her in childhood by catechizing her on her lessons in French in English, which implies he constantly found her wanting. His parting words to her on the beginning of his voyage to Antigua are downright scalding:  “If William does come to Mansfield, I hope you may be able to convince him that the many years which have passed since you parted have not been spent on your side entirely without improvement; though, I fear, he must find his sister at sixteen in some respects too much like his sister at ten.”

JFC, Tommy-boy. Throttle back a little, can’t you?

He’s not popular even with his own daughters: Austen says of Maria and Julia, “Their father was no object of love to them; he had never seemed the friend of their pleasures, and his absence was unhappily most welcome. They were relieved by it from all restraint”. Sir Thomas comes across as a bit of a martinet, always finding fault and always saying no. At best, he doesn’t seem to be at all warm and encouraging, and appears to be almost entirely ignorant, not only of what Fanny’s character is like, but also about his own daughters’ characters.

There’s also the problem of his lack of understanding and compassion for Fanny. She describes him as “all that was clever and good,” but both his cleverness and goodness frequently seem to be lacking. He doesn’t understand Fanny’s feelings any more than he understands those of Maria, sending Edmund to sound Fanny out on the subject of Mr. Crawford because he CANNOT understand how a woman might not love a man that was clever, pleasant and rich. While he provided the money to raise Fanny, his disregard of her is clear when he sends her on a long visit to Portsmouth, where her health suffers. Even Crawford recognizes Sir Thomas’s likeliness to neglect her:

I know Mansfield, I know its way, I know its faults towards you. I know the danger of your being so far forgotten, as to have your comforts give way to the imaginary convenience of any single being in the family. I am aware that you may be left here week after week, if Sir Thomas cannot settle everything ... without involving the slightest alteration of the arrangements which he may have laid down for the next quarter of a year.

Sir Thomas, while priding himself (and being praised by others) as being so kind and clever, has low emotional intelligence and too little care for Fanny. Despite his occasional kindnesses, and her claim on his care as his direct dependent, she is not one of his priorities.

Of course, Fanny’s own parents would have had the strongest effects on her earliest years (especially considering the Prices didn’t seem to have a nanny or governess, so Mrs. Price would have been responsible for all her education, as well).  It’s clear that Fanny’s mother didn’t show her much love in her early childhood: Mrs. Price is described as 

“the ‘mama’ who had certainly shewn no remarkable fondness for her formerly; but this [Fanny] could easily suppose to have been her own fault or her own fancy. She had probably alienated love by the helplessness and fretfulness of a fearful temper, or been unreasonable in wanting a larger share than any one among so many could deserve.” 

We can see Fanny here doing what so many emotionally neglected children do, making excuses for their parents and assuming that the emotional neglect and abuse they suffer are somehow THEIR fault. Many emotionally abused or neglected children believe that they’re too loud, too needy, too much, and even ugly, blaming themselves for their parents’ rejecting and disgusted behavior toward them.

It’s proven, however, when Fanny goes home, that her parents are just as neglectful of her as she felt them to be formerly. Her father is “negligent of his family”, and her mother clearly does not really love her:

Mrs. Price was not unkind; but, instead of gaining on her affection and confidence, and becoming more and more dear, her daughter never met with greater kindness from her than on the first day of her arrival. The instinct of nature was soon satisfied, and Mrs. Price’s attachment had no other source. Her heart and her time were already quite full; she had neither leisure nor affection to bestow on Fanny. Her daughters never had been much to her.* She was fond of her sons, especially of William, but Betsey was the first of her girls whom she had ever much regarded. To her she was most injudiciously indulgent. William was her pride; Betsey her darling; and John, Richard, Sam, Tom, and Charles occupied all the rest of her maternal solicitude, alternately her worries and her comforts. These shared her heart: her time was given chiefly to her house and her servants.

[*Footnote: I have to stop here for a moment and mention poor Susan, whom I like better at every reading. With Mrs. Price only loving her sons and Betsy, with Mary dead and Fanny gone, Susan was for years THE ONLY completely unloved child in the house, which must have been pretty awful. It’s clear that Fanny and Susan have suffered rather similar fates in being raised without love, and Susan only responds more with irritation and Fanny more with tears:  “Susan was only acting on the same truths, and pursuing the same system, which [Fanny’s] own judgment acknowledged, but which her more supine and yielding temper would have shrunk from asserting. Susan tried to be useful, where she could only have gone away and cried”. Please tell me somebody’s written a sequel about Susan?]

Again, while Mr. and Mrs. Price are not CRUEL, they’re not KIND, either. They are deeply emotionally neglectful toward Susan and Fanny, and Mrs. Price shows favoritism for the rest of her children, thus hurting her daughters further. Fanny’s probable surmise when she was sent away that she was not loved or wanted by her parents unfortunately appears to be very true. While an adult like Fanny can rationalize such behavior by her parents (even if it pains her), a child cannot do so, and the Prices’ lack of love for their own daughter must have been traumatizing and contributed to her belief that she can never matter to anybody (more on this in a bit).

Trauma 4: Lack of Companionship: Maria and Julia (and Miss Lee)

Fanny’s education when she arrives at Mansfield is not that of a gentlewoman--hardly surprising, given both her family’s socioeconomic position and her mother’s busy-ness with her family and general indolence. Maria and Julia’s education on scholarly subjects is clearly much stronger (they’re also 2-3 years older than her), and we know that their moral education was neglected, so that they only care about whether Fanny is rich and well-educated like themselves:

They could not but hold her cheap on finding that she had but two sashes, and had never learned French; and when they perceived her to be little struck with the duet they were so good as to play, they could do no more than make her a generous present of some of their least valued toys, and leave her to herself, while they adjourned to whatever might be the favourite holiday sport of the moment, making artificial flowers or wasting gold paper.

They’re generous enough to give her presents (though their least-valued belongings), but not generous enough to actually spend time with her, and it appears that this pattern holds throughout Fanny’s time at Mansfield.

At first, Mrs. Norris, Sir Thomas, and Miss Lee all think her actually stupid instead of just ill-educated: we are told that not only did Miss Lee “[wonder] at her ignorance,” but

A mean opinion of her abilities was not confined to [Sir Thomas and Mrs. Norris]. Fanny could read, work [that means “sew”], and write, but she had been taught nothing more; and as her cousins found her ignorant of many things with which they had been long familiar, they thought her prodigiously stupid, and for the first two or three weeks were continually bringing some fresh report of it into the drawing-room.

You would think that the adults at least would realize that Fanny hadn’t had the opportunity of a gentlewoman’s education, but no, they attribute it to natural stupidity instead of opportunity:

“My dear,” their considerate aunt would reply, “it is very bad, but you must not expect everybody to be as forward and quick at learning as yourself.”

It is only Edmund who perceives that Fanny is not only NOT stupid, she’s actually clever:

He knew her to be clever, to have a quick apprehension as well as good sense, and a fondness for reading, which, properly directed, must be an education in itself. Miss Lee taught her French, and heard her read the daily portion of history; but he recommended the books which charmed her leisure hours, he encouraged her taste, and corrected her judgment: he made reading useful by talking to her of what she read, and heightened its attraction by judicious praise.

One wonders, if a sixteen-year-old boy hadn’t decided to undertake part of Fanny’s education himself, how much worse off would she have been?

That Fanny’s companionship fell almost entirely to a teenage boy six years her senior who spends most of the year away at boarding school/university, is a ringing indictment of the behavior of Maria and Julia, and of those who should have been encouraging them to make a friend of their cousin.

Trauma 5: Mrs Norris (who gets a fucking section all her own)

Here we are. We’ve finally come to it. The other four traumas would certainly have been sufficient to cause C-PTSD, but JFC, Mrs. Norris could have caused it all by her lonesome. While she comes across as amusing in Austen’s sardonic style, she is absolutely toxic for Fanny’s mental health.

Mrs. Norris seems to have had an out-sized effect on the three Mansfield girls. Generally, mothers were in charge of the education of their daughters (even if indirectly, through a governess), so while Sir Thomas did examine them on their lessons, it was really supposed to be Lady Bertram’s job to see to their practical and moral education. But Lady Bertram is an absolute zero, a completely passive character, and Austen says directly that, “To the education of her daughters Lady Bertram paid not the smallest attention.” So it seems like the much more active Mrs. Norris stepped in, and her influence was extremely strong with all three of them, despite her being married and having her own house and her own concerns for the first seven or so years of Fanny’s time at Mansfield.

We can see her influence with all three in the fact that all three of the Mansfield girls end up evaluating themselves in almost perfect accordance to how Mrs. Norris evaluated them. Maria, the golden child*, became very spoiled and proud and thought she could do almost whatever she wanted. Fanny, the scapegoat, came to believe that her only worth was in being “useful” (Mrs. Norris’s hobby-horse) and that she could never be of any importance to anybody. And Julia, while closer to Maria’s level of treatment than Fanny’s, also suffers from comparisons to the golden child:

That Julia escaped better than Maria was owing, in some measure, to a favourable difference of disposition and circumstance, but in a greater to her having been less the darling of that very aunt, less flattered and less spoilt. Her beauty and acquirements had held but a second place. She had been always used to think herself a little inferior to Maria.

[*footnote: Treating one child as the golden child and one as the scapegoat is a very common tactic of abusive caregivers. The scapegoat becomes entirely worn down in self-esteem so that she is powerless to fight back against the abuse. The golden child and other children see how the scapegoat is treated and try hard not to rock the boat because they don’t want to end up like that.]

Mrs. Norris teaches Fanny from the beginning to judge and reject her own natural emotions. On her first traumatic separation from her family, Mrs. Norris lectures her incessantly on how she ought to be HAPPY, not sad:

  Mrs. Norris had been talking to her the whole way from Northampton of her wonderful good fortune, and the extraordinary degree of gratitude and good behaviour which it ought to produce, and her consciousness of misery was therefore increased by the idea of its being a wicked thing for her not to be happy.

Fanny is taught to regard her own natural feelings as “wicked”, especially when they are a negative reaction to how the Bertram/Norris family treats her. While she can see some of her own feelings as just--when they have been sanctioned by Edmund’s judgment--any feeling that tends away from perfect gratitude toward the Bertram/Norris family she immediately rejects as an immoral response. She frequently takes herself to task at these moments. Anger and resentment are natural responses meant to help us protect ourselves against mistreatment from others, and this self-defending response is entirely squelched by Mrs. Norris’s behavior to her.

Mrs. Norris’s behavior toward Fanny is not only emotionally abusive; it is also at least physically neglectful, if not physically abusive. Despite the fact that everyone agrees that Fanny “is not strong”, Mrs. Norris makes a lot of difficulties in Edmund’s attempts to make sure Fanny has a horse to ride, and also refuses to allow Fanny a fire in the East Room, even in the middle of winter, a privation that ever Sir Thomas thinks bad enough that he countermands it--though doing so with a little explanatory disclaimer to Fanny explaining why Mrs. Norris MEANS well and why Fanny shouldn’t dare to be angry, or indeed anything but immensely and forever grateful for their neglectful treatment of her:

Your aunt Norris has always been an advocate, and very judiciously, for young people’s being brought up without unnecessary indulgences; but there should be moderation in everything. She is also very hardy herself, which of course will influence her in her opinion of the wants of others. And on another account, too, I can perfectly comprehend. I know what her sentiments have always been. The principle was good in itself, but it may have been, and I believe has been, carried too far in your case. I am aware that there has been sometimes, in some points, a misplaced distinction; but I think too well of you, Fanny, to suppose you will ever harbour resentment on that account. You have an understanding which will prevent you from receiving things only in part, and judging partially by the event. You will take in the whole of the past, you will consider times, persons, and probabilities, and you will feel that they were not least your friends who were educating and preparing you for that mediocrity of condition which seemed to be your lot. Though their caution may prove eventually unnecessary, it was kindly meant; and of this you may be assured, that every advantage of affluence will be doubled by the little privations and restrictions that may have been imposed. I am sure you will not disappoint my opinion of you, by failing at any time to treat your aunt Norris with the respect and attention that are due to her.

~*GAAASSSSS-LIGHTINNNNGGGGGGG*~  

“Oh, shit, you’ve been freezing to death here for years because your aunt’s an abusive asshole. Oh, but there are three million excuses for her, and also you’re SO GOOD AND GRATEFUL that I KNOW you’ll never allow yourself to see it for the abuse it was, and aren’t you so GRATEFUL to us all for everything we’ve done for you? We MEANT well. And being abused was good for you anyway. If you ever get mad at your abusers I’ll treat you with withering criticism.” 

*gagggg* I could write an entire essay explicating the gaslighting in that passage ALONE.

I could go on and on about Mrs. Norris’s abusive behavior toward Fanny, but I think most of it’s perfectly obvious to the reader. I think a very interesting argument might be made on whether Mrs. Norris would count as having a form of narcissistic personality disorder--always worried about her own importance, living through her golden child Maria, taking everything out on her scapegoat, insisting always on associating her own value with that of Sir Thomas and Lady Bertram and insisting on Fanny’s status being lower because her own self-esteem is dependent on being as good as her sister Bertram and better than her sister Price. Might be interesting.

Part 2: Fanny Price’s Trauma Responses

Complex emotional trauma expresses itself in a number of symptoms and behaviors. We’ve already talked about emotional flashbacks, and I’m going to look at four more major aspects of Fanny’s trauma responses.

Anxiety and Hypervigilance

People with PTSD often suffer from hypervigilance, where their body is constantly on high alert for threats in their environment. These threats are not only physical threats (resulting in things like jumping really hard at sudden noises) but also interpersonal threats. For instance, whenever I hear people talking really quietly in my house, I stop whatever I’m doing and listen REALLY HARD because I’m worried they’re talking about me and it’s gonna be bad.

Fanny exhibits this same behavior when she has retreated to the East Room when Crawford is in the house to propose to her:

She sat some time in a good deal of agitation, listening, trembling, and fearing to be sent for every moment; but as no footsteps approached the East room, she grew gradually composed, could sit down, and be able to employ herself, and able to hope that Mr. Crawford had come and would go without her being obliged to know anything of the matter.

Nearly half an hour had passed, and she was growing very comfortable, when suddenly the sound of a step in regular approach was heard; a heavy step, an unusual step in that part of the house: it was her uncle’s; she knew it as well as his voice; she had trembled at it as often, and began to tremble again, at the idea of his coming up to speak to her, whatever might be the subject. It was indeed Sir Thomas who opened the door and asked if she were there, and if he might come in. The terror of his former occasional visits to that room seemed all renewed, and she felt as if he were going to examine her again in French and English.

Her trembling at the sound of her uncle’s footsteps looks like hypervigilance, and the fact of her childhood “terror” being “renewed” sounds like she’s having another flashback, since she so strongly associates the presence of her uncle in the East Room with those painful childhood visits. She reacts with physical symptoms of stress, trembling at his approach.

Fanny’s anxiety and hypervigilance also demonstrates itself in her being constantly convinced that people are going to be angry with her. When she turns Mr. Crawford down, for instance, she is CONVINCED that Miss Crawford is going to be furious with her, and fears to meet with her. Edmund tells her Miss Crawford isn’t REALLY angry with her, but cannot convince her:

The promised visit from “her friend,” as Edmund called Miss Crawford, was a formidable threat to Fanny, and she lived in continual terror of it. As a sister, so partial and so angry, and so little scrupulous of what she said... she was in every way an object of painful alarm. ...The dependence of having others present when they met was Fanny’s only support in looking forward to it. She absented herself as little as possible from Lady Bertram, kept away from the East room, and took no solitary walk in the shrubbery, in her caution to avoid any sudden attack.

Fanny is so terrified of a polite confrontation with Miss Crawford, whom she has never seen angry before, that she spends DAYS trying to never be alone so that she’ll feel protected by the presence of company! Of course, when Miss Crawford DOES visit, she’s nothing but friendly. But Fanny’s PTSD couldn’t allow her to believe that until it happened. Her anxiety is intense, and this sort of thing happens repeatedly over the course of the novel.

Over-accommodation of others / people-pleasing

Childhood emotional trauma frequently leads to people-pleasing behavior: doing what you do not want to do simply because someone else wants you to.  To understand this, you have to put yourself into the point of view of a very young child or an infant. Children depend entirely on their caregivers for survival: they are aware of this on an instinctive level. If the caregiver shows them very conditional love, only appearing pleased with them when the child does things they like and displeased when the child does things that inconvenience them, the child quickly learns that they need to please their caregivers in order to survive. “Mom gets angry when I cry--Mom doesn’t like me to cry--if Mom gets angry at me, I could starve to death--I need to not cry.” Obviously this line of thinking happens on a subconscious rather than a conscious level, but it’s incredibly powerful nonetheless. I have found myself in situations where a person with some kind of power over me--a doctor, for instance--shows displeasure with something I say to them, and I INSTANTLY find myself backing off, making light of it, taking back everything I said, etc, even though I very much meant it and it needed to be said. The people-pleasing instinct is very strong and difficult to overcome.

In Fanny’s case, it isn’t just a matter of her caregivers showing her inconsistent love in early childhood. Even as an adult, she is fully aware that she needs to please the Bertrams, or she--and her family!--are SCREWED. She is entirely financially dependent on the Bertrams. If she displeases them, not only can they make her life at Mansfield even MORE uncomfortable than it already is, but they can send her back to Portsmouth. Even worse, they could stop their financial support of William and the financial support they are periodically sending to the rest of her family. Huge things hang on Fanny’s pleasing the Bertrams, and it’s small wonder she has developed the habit of trying to please everybody constantly (even her un-pleasable Aunt Norris).

Fanny repeatedly does things she doesn’t want to do, simply because someone asks or tells her to, even if there’s likely to be no major consequences if she doesn’t. One example is on Miss Crawford’s last visit to Mansfield, when Fanny is trying her darnedest to avoid speaking with her alone:

[Miss Crawford] was determined to see Fanny alone, and therefore said to her tolerably soon, in a low voice, “I must speak to you for a few minutes somewhere”; words that Fanny felt all over her, in all her pulses and all her nerves. Denial was impossible. Her habits of ready submission, on the contrary, made her almost instantly rise and lead the way out of the room. She did it with wretched feelings, but it was inevitable.

Fanny doesn’t want to talk to Miss Crawford alone. Fanny doesn’t NEED to talk to Miss Crawford alone. Fanny could stall, perhaps until Miss Crawford left. Nonetheless, the MOMENT Miss Crawford asks it of her, Fanny does it--even though she’s clearly terrified, feeling it “in all her pulses and all her nerves” (more on this physical reaction later). She acts almost like Ella Enchanted: she literally can’t say no.

Likewise, she doesn’t take opportunities she is offered to do things that she DOES wish to do. After a very long description of how much she wants to dance one evening, when her only chance of a partner is Tom, the following exchange occurs:

When he had told of his horse, [Tom] took a newspaper from the table, and looking over it, said in a languid way, “If you want to dance, Fanny, I will stand up with you.” With more than equal civility the offer was declined; she did not wish to dance. “I am glad of it,” said he, in a much brisker tone, and throwing down the newspaper again, “for I am tired to death.”

Fanny DOES want to dance, and the way that he worded the question, she could very well have said, “Yes, please,” and gotten up to dance with him. He has made it obvious that he doesn’t want to dance, and she has picked up on this and said--not only that they don’t have to dance, but the LIE that she doesn’t WANT to dance--in order to please him. Later Austen points Tom out as a hypocrite when he complains, “It raises my spleen more than anything, to have the pretence of being asked, of being given a choice, and at the same time addressed in such a way as to oblige one to do the very thing, whatever it be!” But while it is true that Tom left Fanny LITTLE choice in the matter, it is also true that a stronger character, like Miss Crawford, could probably have found a way to say that she DID want to dance, even with such an unencouraging questioner. Fanny cannot do this: she has been conditioned all her life to give in to people--because her very SURVIVAL has depended on it.

In particular, Mrs. Norris has squelched Fanny’s independence of spirit very firmly. At one point she observes, very unfairly,

There is a something about Fanny, I have often observed it before—she likes to go her own way to work; she does not like to be dictated to; she takes her own independent walk whenever she can; she certainly has a little spirit of secrecy, and independence, and nonsense, about her, which I would advise her to get the better of.”

As a general reflection on Fanny, Sir Thomas thought nothing could be more unjust.

Obviously, Mrs. Norris is completely wrong about this. But as long as she can project* the fault of independence on Fanny, and punish Fanny for this false fault, she can prevent her from ever developing it. By picking on the least little supposed sign of independence and harping on it for ages, Mrs. Norris can prevent Fanny from ever developing a will of her own.

[*Footnote: this is another thing narcissists do: they project their own bad behavior on to others. Mrs. Norris is definitely not secretive, but she is very “independent” and has a lot of “nonsense”--instead of consulting with others about what they actually need in any given situation, she TELLS them. She has no spirit of cooperation, and all her “services” to others tend to be officious and useless.]

Low self-esteem

I thought about putting this together with the section on Mrs. Norris, because Fanny’s self-esteem has been so much shaped by her aunt. This is the kind of message Mrs. Norris is constantly drilling into her about the lowness of her importance:

The nonsense and folly of people’s stepping out of their rank and trying to appear above themselves, makes me think it right to give you a hint, Fanny, now that you are going into company without any of us; and I do beseech and entreat you not to be putting yourself forward, and talking and giving your opinion as if you were one of your cousins—as if you were dear Mrs. Rushworth or Julia. That will never do, believe me. Remember, wherever you are, you must be the lowest and last.

This message is so entirely in keeping with the messages Mrs. Norris has been indoctrinating Fanny with over the years that she has fully internalized it. When a primary caregiver tells you over and over again that you do not matter to anyone, you come to believe it:

[Fanny:] “I can never be important to any one.”

[Edmund:] “What is to prevent you?”

“Everything. My situation, my foolishness and awkwardness.”

“As to your foolishness and awkwardness, my dear Fanny, believe me, you never have a shadow of either, but in using the words so improperly. There is no reason in the world why you should not be important where you are known. You have good sense, and a sweet temper, and I am sure you have a grateful heart, that could never receive kindness without wishing to return it. I do not know any better qualifications for a friend and companion.”

“You are too kind,” said Fanny, colouring at such praise; “how shall I ever thank you as I ought, for thinking so well of me.”

Fanny’s “I can never be important to any one” sounds very much like a triggered teenager sobbing, “Nobody will ever love me!” even while friends next to her are demonstrating that they DO love her. The survivor of this kind of abuse comes to a place where their beliefs do not reflect reality because their beliefs instead reflect the intense emotional rejection they have received from their main caregivers*. Fanny is important to Edmund, William, and Lady Bertram, but is convinced that she not only is NOT important to ANYONE, but never CAN be. She also convinced that she is foolish and awkward, probably by the early experiences at Mansfield when she didn’t know all the intricate rules of high society and was far behind Maria and Julia in her education. Fanny, though she is extremely shy, manages to carry off most things with surprising grace, and she is clever and has a wisdom and common sense in some things far beyond her years. Yet she is CERTAIN that she is “foolish and awkward”, because she has been repeatedly called so by authority figures in her life and almost all of her family at Mansfield.

[*Footnote: these extreme beliefs are often couched in “black-and-white” language: “EVERYBODY hates me, NOBODY loves me, I’ll NEVER be able to do it right, I’ll be alone FOREVER”. We can hear this in Fanny’s “I can NEVER be of importance to ANY ONE”.]

Fanny not only thinks very lowly of herself, she also is afraid of being praised or of anything that could possibly raise her self-esteem. For instance, in a discussion with Edmund, she explains why she never wants anybody to notice her:

[Edmund:] “Your uncle is disposed to be pleased with you in every respect; and I only wish you would talk to him more. You are one of those who are too silent in the evening circle.”

[Fanny:] “But I do talk to him more than I used. I am sure I do. Did not you hear me ask him about the slave-trade last night?”

“I did—and was in hopes the question would be followed up by others. It would have pleased your uncle to be inquired of farther.”

“And I longed to do it—but there was such a dead silence! And while my cousins were sitting by without speaking a word, or seeming at all interested in the subject, I did not like—I thought it would appear as if I wanted to set myself off at their expense, by shewing a curiosity and pleasure in his information which he must wish his own daughters to feel.”

“Miss Crawford was very right in what she said of you the other day: that you seemed almost as fearful of notice and praise as other women were of neglect.”

She is literally fearful of notice and praise--because Mrs. Norris has told her repeatedly throughout her life that she must NEVER shine more than Maria or Julia, must NEVER take attention away from them--a sort of vicarious narcissism. And Fanny feels that to receive a compliment, to state her own opinions, or even to TALK much in company is “stepping out of her place”, the high crime and misdemeanor of Mrs. Norris’s upbringing.

I was raised by a narcissistic caretaker, and I am sometimes suddenly overwhelmed with terror that I’m taking too much attention to myself and that I’m therefore BAD somehow. Because a narcissist (or their proxy, the golden child) must always be the center of attention, the scapegoat is emotionally punished for ever taking the spotlight. Mrs. Norris is disposed to be upset when Sir Thomas holds a dance in Fanny’s honor, and is only reconciled to it because SHE will be able to make herself the center of attention in the preparations.*

[*Footnote: I think another argument can be made for Mrs. Norris’s narcissism in her response to Crawford’s proposal to Fanny:

Angry she was: bitterly angry; but she was more angry with Fanny for having received such an offer than for refusing it. It was an injury and affront to Julia, who ought to have been Mr. Crawford’s choice; and, independently of that, she disliked Fanny, because she had neglected her; and she would have grudged such an elevation to one whom she had been always trying to depress.

Mrs. Norris is DETERMINED to put Fanny down, as the scapegoat, and is offended that one of her golden children (her emotional stand-in) is shown less honor in this situation than the scapegoat. For the scapegoat to be elevated and her narcissistic stand-in to be neglected induces a narcissistic rage.] 

“Sensibility” and High Sensitivity

In the 18th century, a theory and “culture of sensibility” grew up in places like Britain, France, Holland, and the British colonies. Encyclopedia.com’s article on sensibility states, “Sensibility (and ‘sensible’ and ‘sentiment’) connoted the operation of the nervous system, the material basis for consciousness.” But the workings of the nervous system, they believed, affected more than just the physical body. Some people, it was held, had greater sensibility than others: their nerves were more easily affected by not only physical but also emotional and moral input, and they responded accordingly--not just in word and in deed, but in tears, blushes, trembling, fainting, etc. It was believed that people’s emotional responses AND physical responses could tell you something about their physical AND moral makeup. A truly modest woman, for instance, would blush and look confused when confronted with something that offended her maidenly modesty. A woman--or indeed, man--who was truly moral and “sensible” would be emotionally affected by something sad, such as a tale of oppression, to the point of openly weeping. A heroine of sensibility would most likely faint if threatened with something she found, not only physically frightening, but morally abhorrent (such as a forced marriage). This is part of the reason for what seems to use like excessive emotional reactions in some 18th-century novels: the writer is demonstrating her characters’ moral superiority through their physical sensibility.*

[*Footnote: Encyclopedia.com adds, “The coexistence of reason and feeling was assumed, but the proportion of each was endlessly debated, above all because of what many saw as the dangers of unleashed feelings... [After the French Revolution,]  The debate over the proportions of reason and feeling in persons of sensibility was politicized, and the need for women to channel their feelings toward moral and domestic goals was reemphasized. The word ‘sentimental,’ which had been used positively, became a label for ‘excessive sensibility’ and self-indulgence.” We can see this conflict clearly in Austen’s Sense and Sensibility!]

There is, in fact, a modern equivalent to the 18th century idea of sensibility: the concept of the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) or Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS). First proposed by Elaine Aron's book The Highly Sensitive Person (1996), the theory suggests that SPS 

is a temperamental or personality trait involving "an increased sensitivity of the central nervous system and a deeper cognitive processing of physical, social and emotional stimuli". The trait is characterized by "a tendency to 'pause to check' in novel situations, greater sensitivity to subtle stimuli, and the engagement of deeper cognitive processing strategies for employing coping actions, all of which is driven by heightened emotional reactivity, both positive and negative". (wikipedia)

While some people have mocked this theory as pseudoscience, Aron is by no means the only researcher to have studied it, and a great many people who suffered from people telling them “You’re too sensitive” when they were hurt have taken comfort in the positive affirmation that high sensitivity is a natural phenomenon and can even at times be regarded as a strength rather than a character flaw.

It seems to me that there is a good deal of overlap between those who self-identify or may be identified as HSPs and those who have C-PTSD. Whether this is because greater emotional sensitivity leads to a greater incidence of traumatic responses to negative experiences, or whether high sensitivity is itself a product of repeated childhood trauma, I can’t say. (Heck, it could even be that the HSP’s belief that they’re over-sensitive comes from childhood gaslighting!)

What I can say is that Fanny Price exhibits, not only hypervigilance, but also what Austen would call “great sensibility” and I would call “SPS”. Fanny has the greatest sensibility of any character in the entire novel, even Edmund: she judges more clearly on moral matters than Edmund or Sir Thomas, and has the strongest physical and emotional reactions to stimuli. She seems to be constantly blushing, trembling, or tearing up. This is not only painful to modern readers (who, if they’re not pained by sympathizing with her, may well be pained by what seems to them a lack of proper 21st-century backbone in a main character) but is clearly highly uncomfortable at times to Fanny herself. She might be able to pride herself on her moral discernment (not that Fanny would EVER pride herself on ANYTHING), and she may be in transports of happiness when something good, like William’s arrival or promotion, occur, but she is often “cast down” as well by things that seem to others like trifles. We see this not only in her hypervigilance but also in the depression and the black-and-white thinking which are often the products of trauma. Edmund observes to her, “It is your disposition to be easily dejected and to fancy difficulties greater than they are.” Fanny’s apparent high sensitivity may be just a natural trait (made worse by trauma) or may itself be a product of trauma.

Conclusions

At the end of all this, I’m really not sure what I think about Fanny’s “happy ending”. On one hand, she gets what she’s always wanted in life: companionate marriage with Edmund, valued by Sir Thomas and Lady Bertram, with Mrs. Norris (and Maria) gone forever, and Julia and Tom chastened and better behaved. It seems perfect for her. But a little voice inside of me keeps saying how very unlikely it is. People rarely change as much as Sir Thomas does in the book--and in fact, we are only assured by Austen that Sir Thomas comes to value Fanny more: we don’t actually SEE it. I can’t help but feel that Fanny must still have been subject to ongoing gaslighting about how she was brought up and about respect toward Mrs. Norris and himself. Fanny got what she thought she wanted, but at the same time, she didn’t get free. Especially considering that Austen goes out of her way to say that things COULD have turned out differently and that Fanny and Crawford COULD have been happy together, I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if Fanny had ended up with the ONLY person in the entire book who truly recognizes how badly she has been treated at Mansfield Park:

[Crawford]: And they will now see their cousin treated as she ought to be, and I wish they may be heartily ashamed of their own abominable neglect and unkindness.

[phenomenal1500]

The Azblida | The 100

Chapter 7: ~Welcome To The Capital~

For Chapter 6: ~Another Universe~ click here

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It would be best if she was alone next time, not to be accused of being from another crew by her people since he knew they hated his and his theirs, but it wouldn't stop him from meeting her if she's willing to see him again.

~~~

[Meave Collins]

Meave felt very watched once she had entered Polis, but that was probably because they, as Skaikru, had just arrived at the Grounder's capital so it didn't bother her that much. Instead, the woman had a little laugh with anyone who was kind enough to wave at her and it truly felt delightful to be somewhere else for once. These people were very friendly, different from the people she knew, and it felt good to be 'accepted' like this. Abby, on the other hand, was a little embarrassed, she didn't know much Trigedasleng and she wasn't very good at saying no either so luckily Kane was very immersed in their culture and he could do the talking instead.

Meave had left them to roam around the market and stopped by a blacksmith to look around for a moment. There was one sword that stood out to her the most there since it reminded her of someone. It was long, made of iron, light weighted, and it laid perfectly in her slender hand. There was a handle wrapped in black leather and in the center where the sword split into three pieces was a beautiful wolf logo located that was made out of iron.

It really appealed to her and she was definitely willing to pay for it, but the man shook no and pointed at her old sword.

"Ai gaf in dei de. Disha gon ste kom azgeda, ai don't fig raun an Skaikru gon don dei de. Ge ai?" [Give me that! Though before you pay... this weapon is from Azgeda, I don't think an Skaikru wants that. Get me?]

"Ai ge yu, ba ai gaf em even taim en's kom azgeda. em suits ai. hir hon daun my gon." [I get you, but I still want it, even if it is from Azgeda. It suits me, so here is my weapon.]

The blacksmith looked surprised and confused at her wanting a sword even after knowing its background, but still handed her over the new sword.  She also gave her sword in the process and she honestly didn't even mind giving it away.... it wasn't as strongly made and it was old enough to break soon, though the man seemed to know about the quality and also didn't care about that fact.

Amused by her old sword, the man waved her goodbye while she returned the wave and she then turned around to walk away. However, right before she wanted to leave, a female warrior tried to attack her from behind, but the woman had already noticed it and stepped aside, warding off the swing with her new sword.

"You've picked up a lot of fighting in the last few months." Meave smiled at the compliment and had put her sword away while the female warrior looked fascinatingly at her new sword disappearing in its holder. "Too bad I wasn't the one who taught you."

"Indra, it is good to see you again." She held out her hand to the woman and she grabbed her forearm as she did the same.

They always greeted each other like this.

"Kane!"

"Hello, my friend."

"Since when do you let your Dark Angel roam around freely?" Meave crossed her arms and shook her head playfully while suppressing a chuckle.

"Since I demanded it." Indra raised her eyebrow while smiling at the woman's stubbornness and afterwards she switched her gaze at Abby.

"Chancellor Griffin, welcome. I hope you're enjoying the capital."

"I am. And thank you for ensuring my daughter's safety."

"The commander did that. You can thank her yourself at the summit tonight."

"I would like to see Clarke-...."

"Soon." Kane knew exactly what Abby wanted to do and had cut her off before she could ask it again. The action made them intensely stare at each other and Meave lowered her head. Indra had probably already seen her exhausted face before she did so and bent over to whisper something in her ear.

"You want to leave, don't you?" She whispered, staring at the two others debating.

"So you can read minds now as well?" Meave responded with a smile and she then nodded.

"Follow me." Indra signed for her to start walking when a huge crowd passed them and without speaking, Meave was guided away from Kane or Abby who didn't notice anything happening. Then the two warriors walked past a few Skaikru guards to sneak her out of the crowded market, afterwards ending up at the highest tower of Polis where normally the commander resides and Indra brought the woman inside.

Everything was made out of various types of grey stone, making the building feel more welcoming than using just one type or material. The hallway was lit up with candles and torches which gave the halls a warm atmosphere and everything was beautifully laid out with red carpet in the center of the hall. The walls were also decorated with two large flags to show the Heda was from Trikru.

"I can imagine you having a house like this with your symbol on the walls." Indra spoke up jokingly and Meave furrowed her brows, stunned by Indra making a joke instead of being so serious all the time.

"It really appeals to me indeed.... It somehow feels familiar, if that doesn't sound strange." Indra couldn't suppress a smile and it automatically was painted on her face as she grabbed Meave's shoulders.

"Unbelievable that you are not easily liked.... you are talented in a lot of ways. Who has taught you to fight?" She asked and Meave shrugged.

She remembered everything she did to survive on her own way and preferred not to open up about it, making her cut the real story in half.

"When we landed on the ground, I had a strange premonition that something would go wrong." Indra looked curious, but she was also still wary if someone wanted to eavesdrop then. "Everyone knew who I was and what I had done on the Ark and since some of my actions were unforgivable, many people avoided me.... except Bellamy, Murphy and Atom's group. I joined them on the ground and went wild with fighting even though I knew that one day that was no longer a good solution to win a war. With the alliance we had with your people, I stopped being so wild and started training with Anya, who I remember had insisted on teaching me how to fight when she saw I had potential."

"Indra!" The female warrior quickly stepped away from Meave and folded her hands behind her back, lifting her chin up as well while the new commander was escorted into the hall. "Gouva yu klin." [Explain yourself] She pointed at Meave and looked unbelievably stern, yet also calmly at Indra.

"I can understand your people, you know. Lincoln almost taught me everything your people know." She shrugged and stared at the Heda ahead of her.

"What's your name?"

"Meave Collins, The Dark Angel."

It seemed for a few seconds that Lexa knew her when she mumbled a few things about her towards her guards.

"Free up a room for her on the top floor, she's reliable.... Now!" Lexa looked back at the woman familiarly after ordering her guards around to make a chamber ready for her to.... stay?

"Thank you....?"

"Call me Lexa if you want.... welcome to your temporary home, Meave Collins." The Heda gave Meave a small forced smile before leaving with Indra, the two having a conversation that the woman was too tired to try to eavesdrop.

She was left alone in the huge hall until an unknown woman came to pick her and began to escort her to her room and Meave groaned when she saw that the elevator was being used. Together they had to climb up all the staircases and Meave was so exhausted she tripped over her uncooperative legs a few times.

Once they arrived at the top floor, the woman stopped and turned around, facing Meave while taking in a shaky breath.

"Disha ste yu hou. Snap up, Clarke stays hir kom bida moun skaikru, em wkom oso a idea gon kep in yu hir bilaik os, bilaik an gona. the heda sad in em. Ai sen in en's mou os dan yu kriken hou, yu ste nou bilaik emo. [This is your home. Fast explaining, Clarke stays here with a few others of Skaikru, it was the idea to keep you here as well, as their warrior. The Heda decided it. I heard it is better than your old home and that you are not like them.] Without looking up at the woman because she was afraid she'd pissed her off or something, probably knowing her background, she pointed to the large glass but strangely enough not transparent doors.

"Don't confuse the doors next to yours.... someone else stays there temporarily and it's better if you don't cross him."

"You know-...." Meave interrupted the shady woman. "First question out of all the other ones I want to ask is why in the bloody hell are you suddenly talking English when you clearly spoke Trigedasleng before?"

A 'sorry' was all that the woman mumbled and without any further explanation the mysterious woman had taken her leaving at a fast pace, almost running even.

She was somehow extremely afraid of her, and Meave was left alone again in front of the big and beautiful doors. Meave pushed the heavy doors open and she was very pleased with the sight of her room she had received instantly while softly closing the two doors behind her again.

Sunlight was shining through the transparent white curtains and then onto her face while she opened them, revealing the breathtaking view ahead of her. The woman had the whole capital in her sight and the training ground as well. From where she was she could see a few sweaty men and women doing their best to win the competition that was going on and the market grew increasingly empty as the sun slowly set as she watched. Meave then turned around and looked around her room, trailing her fingers over her huge soft bed. It was a beautiful fading black coloured bed with white sheets and animal fur in different colours on top of that.

This was way better than back in Arkadia.

The room here was also three times the size than her room back in their camp and there was much more ambience with the two nice big chandeliers and the candles around the black and white room to light up the place. The walls were beautifully decorated with flags with all the crews' symbols on there to make it more honorable and respectful towards the people from the other clans who stayed there for the night and the ground was covered with carpets of a beautiful blood red color.

Finally having her attention back after examining her room, she walked back to her balcony and stared at the beautiful view until the sun went completely down, making room for the moon to shine over the city. Meave had actually lost track of time when she got distracted by the sight of the moon appearing behind the small houses and she suddenly heard the commander's guards order her to come downstairs after they entered her room without knocking.

Getting up from the balcony's outdoor couch, she grabbed her black and white jacket that she had laying over a soft chair in the corner when she went inside and she ran down the uncountable stairs.

The woman had completely forgotten about the planned summit and once downstairs, it was actually beautiful for her to see all the different groups come together to have a gathering with each other, no hatred to each other for now to keep it peaceful.

She saw Kane proudly nod at her for her being there too even though she hated being very social with new people that she didn't trust yet and he held out his hand to her, making her hook her arm in his.

"Kane."

"Meave.... are you ready m'lady?" He asked politely and Meave laughed, shaking her head.

"Indeed I am ready, shall we go?" Kane let out a soft chuckle as well and both of them walked through the beautifully decorated doors.

Once inside, they had let go of each other and Meave scanned the large alluring room. It looked like a ball room straight out of the 18th century, but then with a little bit of an apocalyptic tone to it.

The woman intended to follow Kane who was greeting their own clan at the moment, but was interrupted by a strong hand that found her wrist. Meave froze in the moment and her heart began to pound in her chest rapidly.

Who the hell dared to touch her?

Slowly she turned her body around, her head following, and she faced the one who was holding her wrist with such a tight grip.... her mouth falling open while her hazel eyes grew wider when she noticed who it was.

"Roan?" She mumbled softly and he released her when she calmed down, him lifting a finger to his mouth as a gesture to tell her she should be more silent because of the other Azgeda warriors inside the room.

He probably didn't want to cause any problems with his clan.... again.

The man then unnoticeable to the rest grabbed her shirt and lifted it up a few inches, showing a clean scar that once was a stab wound the time they had met.... probably to check if she was healed completely and if she was okay.

He didn't look at it for long though and lowered her shirt again because of all the people surrounding them.

"Hainofa, is the Skaikru bothering you?" A tall and broad man came out from behind Roan and looked at the small woman sternly, gazing her up and down in disapproval while resting his hands on his swords.

"No.... chil daun!" [No.... stand down.] Without any discussion the man had turned himself away from them with an hateful expression and then joined the rest of Azgeda, still confused over the fact a Skaikru was talking to their prince.

"Prince?" Meave tilted her head like a curious puppy and he sighed, very focused on his surroundings after glaring at her.

"I'll explain later."

"You really are a man of mysteries, aren't you?" A smirk spread across his handsome face and he pulled her closer to him when he noticed nobody from Azgeda was paying attention.

"Bringing Wanheda back to Lexa was my way back to Azgeda, she broke that deal however."

"And now what? You're kept here?" Meave whispered as softly as possible.

"Indeed.... though I doubt that I will find that unfortunate, knowing you are staying here as well." He winked at her and then narrowed his eyes when he thought about what he had said. "Why?"

"The Heda thought it would be fun that I should stay here for my people without discussing anything with me." She rolled her eyes. "Apparently Clarke and Lexa see me as some sort of pawn in their little game that they just can pass on without asking the fucking pawn what she wants herself." His eyes narrowed in a dominant way and his jaw clenched tightly when he heard what happened and he looked around again, him suddenly noticing that Kane and Abby were watching them, Meave following his gaze. "Prince Roan, I think I should go across very soon before more people start to notice us."

He nodded and looked back at the woman in front of him, the dominant glare still resting in his blue eyes as he did so. It made her grow weak and he smirked a little, slowly letting go of her waist that he had held onto after the incident with the other tall man.

Now she was free she could finally turn around, her back facing Roan after she did so. She began to make her way towards the rest of Skaikru only to be stopped by the same strong hands grabbing her again, this time him holding her hips firmly, and he pressed her back against his muscular chest. "I know you want it-.... to let yourself free without being restrained as some soldier of theirs." He was nuzzling her neck, softly growling into her ear. "Tonight, top floor, second pair of doors left. We'll talk and I will explain everything.... without having to be bothered by orders and judgements."

Meave swallowed nervously while listening to the offer.

It sounded like a dream.

His hot breath on her neck disappeared after he released her and she missed feeling him instantly. Her cold body urged for his comfortable and warm one and definitely after him pressing her against his chest because it actually made her warm up from the inside for a small amount of time. Sadly she had to live with the fact that she couldn't get close to him from now on in this summit because of all the different clans. Stepping across the room, she repeated one sentence in her mind that stood out the most. 'Second pair of doors left.' That meant he was sleeping right next to her.

"He's the one you talked to me about, isn't he?" Kane suddenly questioned, making the woman who had joined Skaikru jump up.

She was completely lost in her thoughts and so it took a moment for her to answer.

"Mhuh." She hummed, watching Roan smirk at her.

He probably knew this was about him.

"I see he took you completely off guard." Kane let out a soft laugh and she elbowed him gently, a sign for him to stop which he didn't listen to. "What did he say?"

"Nothing.... just shut up please."

~~~

"The summit's a trap! We need to get you out of here."

"What the hell is going on?"

"I don't know."

"It's the Ice Nation." Bellamy growled and Roan raised his brow at him, his eyes holding a hateful glare towards him by the sudden accusation.

"People, hold up! Can we not go around and accuse people who've been here the whole time? Because if we're going to do it like that, we can accuse literally everyone in here." Meave shrugged and Roan surveying her with a somewhat proud gaze while Kane looked a little disappointing. Probably because she was siding with a man she had met only a few months back, but to be honest.... she didn't side with anyone at this moment. Everyone knew that the woman was right about not accusing someone or a particular clan because they don't quite fit in well since that was just bad.

She knew how that felt.

It wasn't fair....

"These allegations are an outrage. The Ice Nation never stormed this summit with weapons, breaking our laws, that was the Skaikru."

"We're right about this. The two guards you left behind are dead already. We need to go now." Meave narrowed her eyes, recognising the man who suddenly spoke up by his voice.

Pike.

Though the only thing she remembered about him was him trying to teach their class earth physics before he harassed Murphy for no reason, she never really trusted him.

"How did you come by this information?" Lexa asked sternly and the Skaikru group that had interrupted the summit inspected the room.... them all looking shocked and confused once they noticed the one who was supposed to be with them not being there.

"Where the hell is Echo?"

Right on the perfect time, Raven had contacted Bellamy as well, stating that Mount Weather had been blown up and everyone inside the building had passed away.... including Bellamy's girlfriend.

Without listening any further, Meave felt an empty void grow after hearing that only Sinclair, her former and most important engineering mentor, and Raven were victorious with surviving the attack.

"You should have never moved your people back into Mount Weather. Azgeda did what Lexa was too weak to do." The same tall man that had spoken to Roan about Meave was the one who took the spotlight once again.

"THIS IS AN ACT OF WAR! SENTRIES, ARREST THE ICE NATION DELEGATION! INCLUDING THE PRINCE."

"Wait!" The woman followed the two men who were dragging Roan away from the summit, but she was stopped by Roan himself shaking his head at her.

"Leave it." He didn't want her to get involved in all this, but to their surprise, the two guards did stop taking him away and let her speak to him with them from a distance.

"Nothing will happen.... I will just be taken to my room." He tried to reassure her. "The deal still stands-.... I'm a man of my word after all."

With that said the prince was grabbed by the shoulders again and was dragged away without letting her talk or react to Roan.

[neerasrealm]

got any random hcs for slendra, michael, and/or rosemary?

AN ASK ABOUT MY OCS I’M GONNA (NOCLIPS THROUGH THE FLOOR)

I of course have a lot of hcs for all of em so I’ll go section by section uvu

Michael

He wanted to be a carpenter before he done got possessed

He gets anxious when it’s too quiet, and will often make noises himself to fill the silence (snapping fingers, clicking tongue, humming loudly, etc)

He uses a noise machine to sleep

He doesn’t really talk much unless spoken to, he’ll only really hold long conversations with Kirstie and Owen

Speaking of Kirstie and Owen, I should really talk about them more since y’all only know them as ‘the ghost friends’

The three of them have known each other since they were kids

Owen was and still is the baby brother of the group

Kirstie is basically the mom friend. She was always a very positive and supportive person, and probably the smartest one too lol

Kirstie had two dads

Owen was never super talkative, but when it’s a topic he likes he can talk a lot

Michael is very uncomfortable with letting other people have control of his body because of trauma (obviously), but Kirstie sometimes forcibly takes control when Michael won’t take care of himself

Owen only really gets control when Ben invites him to play videogames

Owen can get really into games, they’re one of the few things that can make him angry or excited

Kirstie LOVES sports. She used to play volleyball when she was alive

When she gets control everyone just has to deal with Michael, the quiet guy who lives in the basement, suddenly being peppy and friendly

Michael doesn’t eat much, especially not desserts, but he has a soft spot for ice cream.

His room is FULL of empty bottles and cans. Man stays hydrated. He drinks ridiculous amounts of la croix because he has no will to live

Slendra

She is simply BABY

She took Sally’s place as the baby of the family LOL

Her love for bow ties is INTENSE. She likes bows just- in general, but you’d never catch her dead without a bowtie on. She collects them, much like how Slender collects ties.

She loves striped patterns

She loves singing and music of any kind. She plays piano and accordion, and is trying to learn the harmonica and ukulele

She has the tiniest smidge of Jack’s accent and occasionally uses cockney slang

Slender dies inside every time he hears Slendra call the mansion ‘’th’ gaf.’’

She’s oddly maternal towards some of her siblings. She takes after Slender and is often the only braincell of the group.

She loves doing cartwheels and things. Jack taught her all his tricks

She’s oddly protective of Jeff specifically. She’s protective of everyone but Jeff she’s just- big sister. Even though he’s 12 years older than her.

Ok this isnt a hc but I wanted to talk about why I went with the ‘demons age twice as fast as humans’ aspect of her character.

When making her I couldn’t decide if Slendra should be responsible older sister figure with a good sense of humour and love for comedy or if she should be a young girl who’s scared of her powers and always sticking by Slender’s side, with Jack trying to teach her confidence.

I eventually decided to blend both, making Slendra physically a teen but mentally closer to a child. I wanted this to represent that she’s innocent, but forced to grow up faster than she should’ve because of Zalgo being- well- her dad.

LetSlendraBeAKid2020 

Rosemary

I HAVE NEVER ONCE PICTURED HER IN MY HEAD WITHOUT HER FACE BEING O-O

BLINK MOTHERFUCKER BLINK!!!!

Ok but seriously-

Even if she doesn’t talk everyone can communicate with her pretty well

‘’...’

‘’No Rose I’m not making steak for dinner.’‘

I’ve said before that she takes the heads from her victims but she also takes a few bones and whatever else she feels like

What does she do with them? ... :)

Don’t go in her room there’s dead things and bones EVERYWHERE

It’s gross. Jason yells at her to clean up. She flips him off

She often leaves Zalgo’s realm just to go watch birds

She believes herself to be above humans and animals but birds? Birds are the one creature she respects

She believes herself to be a chosen one, in a way, because of Zalgo ‘choosing her’

She thinks she’s above other people but is completely subservient to Zalgo

Zalgo often calls her ‘my little lamb’ because of her last name which literally means ‘lamb of god’, the fact that she’s child sized and- y’know- Zalgo is a god.

She often paints her nails :) Nat and Jane let her join their girl’s nights (Zero is there too but only sometimes)

I haven’t decided if this is fully 100% canon yet but I like the idea of her being age-locked by Zalgo much like Nat and Jason are. I haven’t decided how old she is exactly, but I like the idea that she’s been around a while

uhh that’s all I have time to write down rn but!! I loved talking abt these guys...OC asks make me so happy you don’t even know sdfjfsdjf thank u anon

[jq37]

The Report Card – Fantasy High Sophomore Year Ep 14

Brennan Says It’s My Turn With The Daddy Issues

So we’re in hell--literally, not emotionally (at least for the moment). We being Fig, Riz, Gilear, the Hangman, and the blood-imp valet that Fig created last week who is ostensibly named Wretchrot but also picks up the nickname Baby this episode because of shenanigans. Wretchrot brings them all to where they’ll be staying, says a bunch of wild stuff in his weird Rita Repulsa voice, and drinks Fig’s blood which is what he is made of. Riz is bullied by the Hangman and misses the other half of his Nerd Squad. 

Anyway, Wretchrot takes the group on a little tour of Gorthalax’s stuff starting with the library which includes books that steal souls and also legal texts (redundant). Fig looks for a book on devil dating advice while Riz looks for something on the Hellish legal system On a 17, Fig finds a Manual for Succubi and Incubi about extracting souls via the penis. More helpfully, on a 16, Riz finds out that coups are baked into the ruling system of hell and killing someone to ascend to the throne is pretty par for the course. 

Next up is the hall of treasures where there are suits of armor themed to the 7 deadly sins including kinky, gimp, Lust armor they briefly consider equipping either Gilear or Kristen with (Ally breaks at that). There are also these Venitian style masks through which the people who failed to kill Gorthalax to take his place are forced to watch him do his thing. 

They pass through a hall of mirrors which they realize is a kind of security system as it shows things as they really are. Wretchrot appears in the mirror as a drop of Fig’s blood. The Hangman appears as a huge puppy!!!! (OK, a hellhound but all canines are puppies). Riz holds up the photo of Kalina to the mirror and, in the mirror, can’t see her in the photo. However, he does she her in the mirror itself. She waves at him and then appears “in person”.  Fig doesn’t know this is going on and asks Riz if he’s emotionally OK with the fact that they just whip out the photo of his dead dad on the regular. Riz says it’s fine but he quickly becomes less fine when Kalina asks if he'd like to see his dad. He starts to answer her out loud but she tells him that, by talking out loud, he’s tipped off Fig potentially so he should lose her and then meet her alone. The Hangman guards everyone while Riz and Fig split up, to find stuff to test in front of the mirror. Well, that’s the stated plan anyway.

Back in Arborly, Adaine is getting to check an item off of her Teen Girl Life Experiences checklist: Spilling Tea About Your Friend’s New GF. She gleefully does the whole, “I can’t tell you but I’ll tell you if you guess right,” routine before outright confirming that while crustacean shenanigans were happening in the house Fig and Ayda were sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Everyone in the group goes feral over the news, especially the Gay Squad. She vaguely recalls that Ayda also told her some information about a rune or something but everyone agrees that she retained the most important information. 

They decide to call Aguefort about their coins and the rune (Kristen wisely having all the infected people leave the room). Aguefort tells them that the coins that they have comprise Kalvaxus’s hoard but not his original hoard as it has been spent and invested and put into the economy. Classic Ship of Theseus problem (ie: If you have a ship and you start replacing damaged parts of it, by the time you've replaced all the parts, is it even the same ship?). He also reminds them that spending the gold as quickly as possible is a good idea to avoid the dragon madness curse which is on all dragon gold (a weak but very hard to break curse). That prompts Adaine to describe the rune she discovered to him and he tells her basically the same stuff Ayda did last episode. She wonders if dragon madness could be the larger, static curse under which the trojan horse curse (the spellbook) is hiding. Gorgug wants to give all of the gold away and Fabian is not about that life at all.

Back in hell (literally and emotionally now) Riz prepares to meet Kalina. With a 25 Investigation, he finds a sliver of mirror that he can bring with him to keep from being tricked. He’s also mindful of being paralyzed while he’s with Kalina at the edge of a hell cliff so he anchors himself with a rope tied around his waist. Kalina is her usual aloof, darkly charming self when they speak and Riz is pretty flustered, asking if she was his dad’s familiar (no). Kalina says that Riz didn’t really know his dad and the question he isn’t asking but should be is how did his dad meet her in the first place.

She takes him to a little secret passageway which she says goes to a liminal place where he can see between the levels. She gives him the help action to get a good look (which makes Murph extremely nervous) but he only gets an 11 which means all that he sees is a cold, white light coming from the opening. He tries to use his mirror to look inside but on a 13 dex save, his footing is shaky and some rocks fall down the side of the cliff (he’s fine). Kalina says that he’s gonna have to man up and walk down the tunnel if he wants to see what’s going on. She fully reveals that she’s incorporeal and can’t actually touch him to mess with him if that helps at all. 

Riz is clearly struggling with the choice but he ultimately decides that he can’t pass up this chance and that he can trust Fig to rescue him if things go south. He leaves her a note and then steps through. Within the tunnel, he can feel things watching him and hear a chittering that’s weirdly somehow coming from him. In front of him is a smoky room lit by a cone of light--think interrogation room in an old detective show. In a chair, covered in blood and shit and tattered clothes is Pok Gukgak, gagged and chained. Riz reaches for him but, as he tries to step forward, he reaches the end of his rope. Someone unseen splashes Pok with water and tells him to “confess” and “tell us what you know.” Riz pulls out his gun--his dad’s gun--to shoot out the light. As he does, a thought comes unbidden: You know what the kind thing to do with that gun would be. That shakes Riz so he lowers the gun and starts to untie himself. He’s stopped by Kalina (speaking in his mind) who tells him that if he steps in the light, he’ll be on another level of hell in the Iron City of Dis for real. Not just looking in. Riz pulls out his mirror shard and confirms that it really is his dad in there being tortured. He leaves the tunnel.

Kalina says that she knows Riz is all hopped up on doing his quest and stopping the Nightmare King but if he just stops, if they all stop, none of his friends will have to die and, bonus, maybe there will be a little rescue mission for his dad in it for him. Riz wants to know if Pok knew what her true nature was and he seems to think he cheated on his mom with her (“I know what happened between you two. I can do the math.” Which seems logistically improbable but OK). She reminds him that Pok was a spy which means it’s naive to think that every thing he did was good and taunts him about his clue hound nature before vanishing.  

Riz meets up back with Gilear and Fig and he spills about everything. Gilear wants Riz to have lunch and drink some water before he does anything rash. Fig says that they don’t need Kalina to rescue Pok. They know crazy-person Bill Seacaster who’s also in hell. She lights a beacon to help him find them (if you remember, the Hangman has been attempting to contact him for Fabian). One thing I didn’t mention before is that Fig brought up the idea of temporarily installing herself as the ruler of Gorthalax's section of hell so she’d be a powerful enough devil (or devil-adjacent entity) to get them into Sylvere. Wretchrot said it was probably a no-go since she’s half mortal but, now, on a 29 Riz re-reads his legal book and realizes that Fig wouldn’t actually have to kill Gorthalax to take his place, she just needs to defeat him, which she technically has by putting him in a gem and they put that together almost before Brennan is done narrating. They have a new plan.

The other Bad Kids are discussing what Arianwyn is up to and Gorgug suggests that maybe she’s not actually working with Kalina. Maybe she’s playing along but actually has ulterior motives. Kristen looks at Arianwyn’s notes and on a 24 “Empath Roll” (Brennan converts this Ally-ism to an Insight check) sees that at a certain point, Arianwyn started making leaps in her research that were too lucky and suggest someone was helping her--possibly the entity she was researching. Adaine thinks about calling her mom using Sending or her new Sinod of Spire spell but Ayda calls Adaine and asks if she can come over. Of course she can. She comes with her recently summoned tropical fish familiar in a bubble of water--it has the very Albus Severus name of “Garthy and Adaine the Fish” which Adaine is thrilled about but also suggests shortening to GAF (and also considering reconstituting it into a cuddlier form--though the image of her dumping Boggy into GAF’s bubble is super adorable). Meanwhile, Kristen is thrilled to welcome her to “the family” because being gay is the same as visiting an Olive Garden (this is a shirt now because Ally said it which is too much power to give to Ally). Ayda kinda sucks some of the fun out of teasing her about her relationship with Fig by being extremely forthright about it but Kristen and Adaine brighten at the thought that Fig will be a lot more fun to tease. 

But, back to business. Ayda has not slept because she’s been working on getting to Fig. The whole group is like, “Bitch, are you OK?” and give her an ice cream sandwich which is proper Good Friend Protocol if you have them on hand I think. Ayda is super worried about Fig and is just about ready to unmake everything standing between them (Normal lesbian move according to Kristen). They talk her down for the moment in favor of sending Fig a message: Fig you sneaky bitch. Ayda’s here. She wants to invade hell. You good? PS: OOOOOOOOOOOH. PPS: Ask Kalvaxus about dragon madness. Fig completely misses the fact that they know what’s going on with Ayda (you’d think they’d be more in sync which each others’ texting shorthand) and sends back a message saying she hopes they have fun with her but, “not too much fun,” and also that she, “is king” with no further explanation. Wild. 

Ayda, who is still super keyed up to get Fig, thinks she can figure out the Planeshift spell but she needs more time to work on the spell which she could get...if they steal her dad’s time stopping pocketwatch. Considering they watched Aguefort grab the sun out of the sky the other day, they’re not super down to have a possibly adverse encounter with the man but they hear her out. While they do that, Gorgug takes his now working phone and just straight up calls the guy, explaining the situation (including Ayda’s involvement) and asking to borrow the watch. Aguefort is a little taken aback by the fact that Ayda would want any kind of contact with him at all because about 300 years back, she told him to never contact her again and that she would leave notes to her future self detailing why, which is why he hasn’t really been in her life. He lets him borrow the watch for a week (after which time it will return to him) and asks him to tell Ayda what they talked about, leaving the door open for a possible future relationship between them. When Gorgug returns with the watch and the news, Ayda breaks a little and reveals she didn’t even know she was that old. Presumably because her notes start about 150 years ago with an apology that her past self wanted a fresh start and destroyed the last several batches of notes. She hates herself for doing that and Kristen gently tries to get her to cool it with the negative self talk. Then, they hit the button on the watch and they have a week to work. 

The Wizards work on Planeshift. Fabian and Kristen go to the shrine and Kristen--mirroring her vision from episode 1--sits down to draw the unknown goddess from the mural. Her Spirit Guardians emerge and start to kinda deride her for the sincerity of her action. She in turn decides that she’s done with this wishy-washy “above it all” attitude and dismisses her Spirit Guardians for good (making her, as far as I can tell, the only cleric in Solace with a 100% turnover rate on her Spirit Guardians). She finishes the picture and it feels somehow significant, to her and to Tracker too (who can look at it without wolf-raging out). Gorgug uses the time to “get smarter” which bumps his score from an 8 to a 9 (which has no mechanical implications). Ayda is also working on a side project but she’s keeping it a secret from Adaine. 

In hell, the tribunal is called back in session. Fig comes in ready to claim her hell passport and the throne along with it. On a big ol’ 30 persuasion check--and because the law is on her side--Vrath is reluctantly convinced to confer upon Fig the title of arch-devil (via a full lip kiss which is some Poison Ivy bs) The new title comes with an upside pentagram mark on her forehead, full fire immunity (very convenient considering her new constantly on fire gf), and resistance to poison. However, Vraz is about to force the Hangman to stay in hell due to a legal technicality when who walks in but BILL FORKING SEACASTER, who invokes the law of the blade and immediately starts stabbing their way out of there and hustles the group to his ship (Goldenhoard’s reshaped corpse) which was indirectly named by Fig we learned after the thing that would annoy him the most--The Goldenrod.

Bill gives Fig (who is feeling iffy about her archdevil decision) a pep talk before fully signing up for the rescue mission of the dad of his son’s BFF. We also learn that Alastair Ash is interning on Bill’s ship! He’s pretty happy to see Fig and Riz but if he sees Fabian he’s fully gonna kill him. Right around now, the Bad Kids not in hell remember they can talk to the group via the Hangman and check in since the week of stopped time is up. The Hangman is like, “YOU NEED TO COME HELP US RIGHT AWAY!” They (everyone but the HangVan) Planeshift onto the deck of the Goldenrod which is being targeted by monsters and devils commanded by Vraz. Alastair makes good on his threat and starts trying to shank Fabian immediately (which Bill is hilariously blase about). Ayda opens up a portal to the sea and tries to flood Hell from the top down but Fig stops her, saying that they need to get to the second level to save Pok which seems like it will be quite a task with all the monsters Vraz is throwing at them. Luckily, Bill has money for days (and that money is somehow worth something in hell) and has a whole fleet to back them up for our big Hell Pirate Battle next episode! 

Detention

Gorgug for Bad Gossip Etiquette 

Look, obviously Kalina was the worst person in this episode. Like, duh. But, also, it feels like cheating to punish the Vader of the series for doing something bad. Like, yeah! That’s what she’s supposed to be doing!

So, instead, today’s dubious honor goes to Gorgug for the much less damning but more relatable sin of making his girlfriend aware of tea but not spilling it. Say it all or say nothing! 

Honor Roll

Gorgug for Being More Insightful Than His 8 9 Int Would Suggest

Back to back double awards.

Wisdom is not the same as Intelligence and I actually have no idea what Gorgug’s Wisdom score is on paper but he showed a lot of in this episode.

I think he’s been the first person to suggest that whatever’s going on with Arianwyn might not be as cut and dry as it seems and then, of course, he decided to, instead of trying to Ocean’s 11 Aguefort to just slip out and have a quick heart to heart with him. One that affects him surprisingly deeply. And him bringing up his own experiences with no knowing who his birth dad was was just the chef’s kiss on top of it all.

I don’t think Brennan actually intended them to Oceans 11 Aguefort because that would be crazy, but Gorgug is the one who stepped up to solve the problem for the group with a little compassion and I think that more than earns him the spot.     

Random Thoughts

Trailer for Season 5 is dropping Thursday so get hyped! 

“Are you looking for the Teen Zone of the bottomless pit?”

“The fief of this dom.”

��You’re a little nerd. Tell the cool girl what you know.”

“If I had new parts, where would they go?”

I love Fabian’s confident assertion that Ayda would “love shrimp river”.

Line of the night goes to Ragh for, “Frankly, bringing up the rune in this context is homophobic.” And Adaine’s followup of, “I apologize. As an ally, I’m always learning,” was also great.

I love that the girls instantly understand Fig’s earlier hot tub comment with the new context but the boys are still clueless. 

Watching Emily and Murph have their own little side adventure was so great. They are so fun together and they were clearly having a blast.

I wonder if Gorthalax can tell than Fig just got his title. Either via the title itself or his patron status.

Fig bringing up Riz’s dad to be like, “Are you OK?” caught me so off guard and it seems like it caught Riz off guard too. I hadn’t really thought about it but the fact that Fig had is just another example of her being extremely bighearted and doing a bad job of hiding it. 

Emily’s impotent “rage” as all the party members loudly gossiped about her and Ayda and she couldn’t do anything about it because she wasn’t in the scene was *golden*. 

Kalina leaves Riz so he can watch his dad but, if you think about it, that’s all placebo because she couldn’t do anything to him whether she’s appearing to him or not and she can watch through his eyes regardless anyway so it’s just like, “Do you want me to be visibly watching you or invisibly watching you?” 

Does Kalina have, like, a range? Like, if she can literally just see out of the eyes of people that she’s infected, that limits her to a certain cone of vision and range of movement. But it seems like she can appear to a person and move independently around them to some degree, see things they can’t, point things out, and move away from them. How far away? How independent can she be? What are the logistics here?

Also, on the topic of logistics, it seems extremely hard to know someone for as long as Pok knew Kalina and not realize they’re non-corporeal. Like, even if you’re not a touchy person, eventually you’re gonna bump into them (or, in this case, not bump into them).

Man, the dice really hated Murph this week and, honestly, good. His scenes, imo, work so much better if he doesn’t get to Ally his way out of them with a Nat 20. Him being toyed with by Kalina and unsure and lost is the more interesting version of this sequence of events. 

I feel like he made some big swings and misses this ep though. Like, asking if she was Pok’s familiar? Why would that have been a thing? I’m surprised he didn’t ask if he was the goddess’s familiar--though I guess they might not want to let on how much they know but bringing up the concept that she’s anyone’s familliar I think is kinda of giving the game away.

“I have a hard time making conversation with my friends, let alone you” Riiiiiiiiiiz.

Kalina brought up Kristen to Riz specifically, which I find interesting. (She also said that Kristen used to worship Sol which isn’t strictly true, she worshiped Helio, but same family and that was likely just a slip of the tongue from Brennan. Just wanted to point it out). 

Who does Kalina even work for? Like, it seems like she’s working with the Nightmare King but if she’s the mystery goddess’s familiar like we all think then that’s weird because it doesn’t seem like the NK and mystery goddess are together. Like, a part of me is just dumping everyone antagonistic to the Bad Kids into the same “Bad” bucket in my head but there’s no way all of these people have totally aligned goals. 

“Dragon madness 69”

It’s brought up again in this episode that some of Arianwyn’s research was requisitioned by Pok earlier which I want to ascribe significance to but I’m not in a theorizing headspace right now so I’ll just point it out for anyone who does want to play Gukgak.

I’ve been kinda wondering about the logistics of Aguefort and Ayda and how old that dude is but I totally forgot Chronoancy was a factor which I guess indirectly answers any and all questions about that. It also adds some dimension to his character that time travel is a thing that kinda makes you feel unmoored from time, which I think goes some way (though not all of the way) in explaining why he’s so feral. And, speaking of Aguefort insanity, he was also at the party Zelda was at last episode in the form of an owl as the beer pong mascot. Which Gorgug has Thoughts about. 

I really really want Adaine to talk to her mom in the Synod of Spires. Have you guys realized that, for as much of a driving force Arianwyn’s been this season, she’s had almost no dialogue? She has talked I think 3 times total in all of FH: During Adaine’s intro, Apologizing to her when Aelwen was arrested, and the Message Adaine found from her last episode. That’s it. We know almost nothing about her. What is her deal? Also, Siobhan just always kills during all of her one-on-one scenes and I’m biased.  

Love the return of the Bad Kids being unable to make a phone call and stealing the phone from each other to tag in with their own nonsense. 

Wild that Gorgug was able to get through to Aguefort since he has a history of pissing that dude off by saying the wrong (well, “wrong”) thing.

Shoutout to Gilear for being the Designated Dad of the Hell Trip and making sure the kids were eating and stuff. That was a very endearing moment. 

Also, while we’re on the topic of Gilear, he also cleared up that Sandra-Lynn never seriously propositioned him in an irresponsible, “Let me give you a Magic STD” kinda way which was something I’d been thinking about so I’m glad he said something (though the kids kinda aren’t even though I think we’re way past the point of TMI here).  

“Hiss at her litigator.”

Riz, who Fig is Looking to be the Voice of Reason re: Her Arch-Devil Upgrade: This is super rad.

I’m very curious about whether Brennan fully planned for Fig to decide to take Gorthalax’s place because, on the one hand, my brain didn’t go there at all but, on the other, getting Emily Axford to install someone--possibly herself--into a position of power is like getting Siobhan Thompson to steal a book I feel.

Fig Upon Being Told That Ayda Told Everyone About Them: Fuck.   

I feel like Kristen is gonna wish she had her big moment of emotional catharsis AFTER this big hell pirate fight and not before when she can’t summon her Spirit Guardians. 

Man, we haven’t gotten a big, enthusiastic, “Papa!” from Fabian in a while have we? 

No crits in either direction this episode which is wild considering Fig got a THIRTY at one point.

[janiedean]

Laviania, why are you so sure Stannis won't burn Shireen "for the greater good"? I mean... it's a classic trope (Agamemnon) and would be one of the ethics questions (one death to avoid many others) GRRM loves? [not on tumblr, but I'm Wirette on Discort - and by the way, I'm still sorry you have to endure this special kind of anon... but I'm also sickly fascinated by it. Like an horror book, see?)

hi! ;) and eeeh. I KNOW. one day they’ll get tired. 

that said, about stannis, very quickly (hopefully):

in the show it was 100% the agamemnon trope, but in the book there is absolutely nothing linking stannis to that guy whatsoever - they don’t have a similar personality, they’re not the same archetype, they’re not fighting a war for the same reasons and it doesn’t add up;

now, in the book it’s not physically possible unless it doesn’t happen in wow because:a) shireen is at the wall, stannis is going to wf;b) so stannis is stuck in the snow same as in the show right now at the end of adwd and shireen is miles away geographically like how is he going to burn her for the show reasons? he can’t, because she’s not there;c) current summary of the situation in asha’s adwd chapter:That tale she had from Justin Massey, who was less devout than most. "A sacrifice will prove our faith still burns true, Sire," Clayton Suggs had told the king. And Godry the Giantslayer said, "The old gods of the north have sent this storm upon us. Only R'hllor can end it. We must give him an unbeliever.""Half my army is made up of unbelievers," Stannis had replied. "I will have no burnings. Pray harder."I mean, he’s not burning anyone in his prisoners/army which is all unbelievers yet and I have to assume he’s burning shireen? okay but not;d) also, theon pov in winds of winter so after asha’s chapter:The knight hesitated. "Your Grace, if you are dead — "" — you will avenge my death, and seat my daughter on the Iron Throne. Or die in the attempt."Ser Justin put one hand on his sword hilt. "On my honor as a knight, you have my word."... so not only he can’t physically burn her, he wants his knights to put her on the iron throne when a woman couldn’t even inherit it in theory and I have to assume that he’d sacrifice her just like that? nah;

other than the above.... before stannis even thinks of going back to the wall he has to take winterfell which is not happening before mid-wow or the end of it because jon needs to join him/he needs more soldiers/it’s most likely the northern storyline climax and possibly davos has to show up with rickon before that happens or smth but anyway shireen is at the wall, stannis won’t be there before the end of the book if he even goes back at all and there’s no guarantee he actually survives the whole thing, so.... what the hell;

now, melisandre and selyse are at the wall and jon is currently dead and selyse doesn’t gaf about her daughter and melisandre would probably burn her thinking she’s doing the right thing so if you’re telling me that shireen dies burned alive because people at the wall most likely the two of them think it’s necessary for the greater good then it’s a way more likely theory, but that stannis would do that in the books is so out of this world to me I’m not even deigning to consider that as a legitimate possibility and ngl I’ve elected to pretend it never happened in any show only fic I wrote because fuck that noise.

now: dnd couldn’t write stannis, couldn’t give a damn about it, didn’t care about his character either way because they started writing him like they were drunk on tequila since S3 and it was obvious they couldn’t wait to kill him off long before his role in the story was exhausted, but since wow he actually isn’t a bad guy they had to make him do something unredeemable so that they could have brienne kill him in one of the top five most ooc decisions they took for any character in these series (because don’t let it be said that I don’t have immense pits of hatred for their decision to make brienne’s s5 storyline about avenging saint renly and looking out of a window because guys I do and no one wants me to hear all the venom I could spit on the topic) and what’s better than going that route when 99% in the books if she dies that way he won’t have a hand in it.

but since I’m here and it’s stannis baratheon loving hours and the show decided to not give a damn, this is where I would like to state that while stannis is the worst at showing his feelings to people and a complete disaster when it comes to show them to her, he loves his daughter way more than her mother does, he educated her the way you would educate your son not a daughter (it was made clear in the books but she didn’t just have the usual lessons daughters of great houses have, she had the lessons sons have that girls aren’t necessarily given), he thinks of her as his heir and not as someone he should just try to marry off, he wants her on the throne when the last time a woman was on it not as a regent in this universe there was a years-long civil war happening because OMG IT’S NOT A THING THAT SHOULD HAPPEN, and he cares about her very damned deeply when half of the other lords in these books would have despaired knowing their only daughter wasn’t the most palatable marriage prospect (stannis & selwyn should found a club for ‘my daughter is awesome and people don’t get it) and the fact that he’s shit at showing it and that dnd couldn’t grasp the concept that a dude who’s actually great at waging wars and might be a tad too strict when it comes to donning justice is also a disaster human being who’s crap at showing his feelings to anyone except davos but loves his daughter anyway and is that strict also because it’s a trauma coping method not because he gets a boner out of sentencing people to die doesn’t mean that the book version is going down the same path. ;)

tldr: because it’d be ooc and show!stannis hasn’t done three things IC in a row since S3. ;)