#sorrgy ^_^ long poast

[pezpenser205]

wait thats actually kind of wild i have like. the opposite of that. im great at making people as comfortable as i can when talking to me and can do like. step one of Make A Friend but it just doesnt develop, and in the instance it does i always like people way more than they ever like me. feels like the instinct to talk to people never really hit me, theres an Awareness that everyone else in the world is more connected to each other than i am to anyone. i do suspect this is due to being a #revolutionary secondborn (everyone on earth thinking i was a total cunt as soon as i was old enough to have a personality that wasnt just fawning like my older sibling)

long ass poast warnang!!! tldr at the bottom

i also have that awareness but i think thats just my Curse (autism). i also had the "all my peers fucking hate me at worst and dont gaf about me at best and treat me as subhuman when i try to talk to them but i try to love everyone even though they all keep leaving me" childhood. everything youre talking about all basically used to be me actually.

accutane + developing an obnoxious and conspicuous style + getting broken up with + wearing my hair different + getting simultaneously kinder and more assertive/bitchier to assholes irl + being more "thin passing" because of puberty or whatev basically changed how people see me entirely, and shifted me over to whatever tf im doing now, which i think sucks!!! i was 100% being sarcastic in my tags. dont be like me i think this is a nightmare. i dont think it was worth losing myself over and it still is kinda haunting to think everyone irl who likes me now and compliments me is probably the kind of person who wouldve giggled at little 12yo me who wanted a friend more than anything in the world.

people see me as equal to them often even though i still feel that invisible wall there just like you and dont feel like a "real" person at all bc that stuff still lingers. the uptight cis dudes uncool people dont really like me that much bc im very clearly a tranny, but they dont often look at me like im a thing whos too stupid to understand them when theyre talking about me anymore. they look at me like im annoying and gross and deserving of violence. which to me, is infinitely better.

i still wish awkward and weird little guys were treated as equals by default and i relate to you a lot, because i was also kinda treated like a pet, always cared about other people way more than they cared about me, and couldnt tell that all my "friends" were using me or just didnt like me that much.

i have experienced the isolation you feel and i know you dont deserve it, because no one deserves to be disconnected and/or dehumanized. even though i sucked more within my last relationship, and DID deserve getting broken up with at that point, i dont think me before that "deserved" to experience the things that led me to thinking that was an okay way to act towards people.

you shouldnt have to remake the harmless parts of yourself at all and if anything youre definitely perfect as is, save for maybe needing to learn to value yourself, learn to be okay with taking up space, learn whats okay socially and within relationships, and learn how to communicate properly— all things you cant do if youre isolated! you also probably just havent found the people who really click with you yet, or you have found them but feel too out of place to initiate. being the "opposite" of me is definitely a good thing because im kind of a collage of a person rather than a real human being, so the opposite of that would be a really earnest person who needs a few hundred nudges in the right direction.

i do encourage you to just go crazy with reaching out to people even if you dont think its "right," because youll never know whats "right" if you dont try a bunch of things that are "wrong" first. its not something that can be observed or explained, you MUST get experience. if you start online and work your way up to irl as long as youre nice the worst they can do is think youre weird. you miss every shot you dont take and if youre born with Low Accuracy Disease (being raised isolated, neurodivergent, trans), youre gonna need to fire so many more shots than the average person anyway to land a good one so you might as well invest in a machine gun lol. i believe in you and im 100% sure youre awesome and cool and i think everyone should be nicer to you immediately ^_^ <3

tldr; i relate to you a lot and you deserve love. youre perfect and change nothing about yourself but your strategy for reaching out to others. the right people will find you.