#ventposting. or whatever
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i like to think of myself who's relatively normal about holding grudges and the like but. i'm also still incredibly upset about something that happened in... february, i'd wager. especially given that it's relatively minor and i don't think anyone except for me is physically capable of taking seriously
#whenever i fight with my family i am not only fighting about the current topic but also the Pie Thing (except for my brother. i don't think#was there)#they don't know that though#it's about the betrayal of it all! my trust in others is perhaps naive#sigh#i need to yell at somebody about it but that really is not something that comes up naturally#“hey remember when you ate my pie two months ago and didn't tell me”#i was very dramatic about it. unfortunately the situation has not been resolved and so i am unable to see the humor in my lighting a single#candle on a single slice of pie and then blowing it out and also crying the entire time#it will be funny someday though. i can feel it#finn says shit#ventposting. or whatever#oh also the car thing turned out fine. the lady got my insurance and my parents aren't even mad at me which is fascinating. parenting W
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some of y'all treat subs like disposable sex dispensers to make you feel good about yourselves. because why are you forming relationships with a sub if you're going to throw them away the minute someone else wants you?? and why would you get involved with them in the first place if you were pursuing someone else?? idk doms fucking suck
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as a non-usamerican it is quite wild to be on this usamerica-centric site with the elections coming up. i mean it always has been but this year especially so, with one half of my dash shouting at me to vote and the other criticizing those same people. and me? i've never been more glad to be on the other side of the metaphorical plexiglass, not having to take a stance in it at all. i just wish that the fact that i cant have a say in it would also mean the outcome wont affect me. alas, no country can escape the main character of nations ig
#i will fr need to figure out how and what to block to filter it out if this continues#dont get me wrong im so sorry for my usamerican followers for what is happenning over there#but i will try to avoid posting about this topic bc it is not my battle#and since this site is so dominated by us users im sure my input isnt needed to begin with#love and light or whatever#“vote” “dont vote” *akira meme* leave me alone!!!!#sry for ventposting but god.
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How are you feeling? How is life treating you?
Hi there o/ tbh not great, I stepped away from tumblr for a bit because I was doing too much doomscrolling, and it was crushing me into anxious inaction/despair instead of reminding me to do what I can. possibly a skill issue
#joking about the skill issue. i have diagnosed anxiety Issues lol#and i really did not need to see people going ‘but these other people have it worse!’ when that’s been a cognitive distortion living#in my head rent free for over a decade. lol!#whatever. making myself miserable helps no one. donating and then closing the tab before looking at 20000 other fundraisers does.#also trying to adjust to new meds and 80% of the way to a new diagnosis. but at least work is good!#except for the aforementioned anxiety about how I’m gonna get Fired for showing up late by 10 minutes (unrealistic)#sorry for possible tmi. I’ve tried to keep this blog soup focused but at this point it’s pretty much my main#i figure like. one (1) ventpost acceptable#thanks for the ask :^)#ladyjazzhands
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wanted to go to the gym social tn but as I was getting my stuff together to go out, a friend said smth that rly pissed me off and now I'm too fucking angry to go out. fucks sake man
#fucking hate ppl commenting on my 'self control' for being sober bc I get it all the fucking time and its so patronising !!!!!!#even if its not intended that way. dont care didnt fucking ask. especially from someone im friends with#but whatever i should know better than to expect ppl to know me#maybe other ppl need discipline to stay sober but i dont bc the alternative is a non option and always has been. not that hard for me#and i have my own self control struggles w other shit man like im not pristine and perfect fuck off. you only dont know abt the#shit i actually fucking struggle with bc i dont know or trust u well enough for that.#and i HATE when ppl fucking imply im susceptible to peer pressure. im not. dont fucking overestimate your influence#ppl act like shit is a choice like actually i have a trauma rooted fear that comes from ppl in my family dying of substance abuse thanks 👍#which i dont expect strangers to know. but my friends should fucking know that!!! but i guess its not worth remembering#whatever it doesnt matter im prolly upset for other reasons im going to go out for a walk to calm down i cant be at home right now#even more fucking annoyed that im missing the gym over this. i shouldve been there an hour ago.#i mean i could still go maybe the cycle ride would stop me feeling mad and blowing everyone up once im there. i doubt it tho#UGH. fucking whatever. whatever whatever whatever. sorry for ventposting i was typing out a longass reply#but its not gonna fucking do anything except come across needlessly aggressive and ruin the conversation#even if i really really want to be needlessly aggressive. and ruin the conversation. but i guess i have the self control to not. lmfao#what if i just killed myself. anyway i think im gonna go get some shitty fast food on this walk and watch a horror movie when im back#.vent
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i am so glad i don't live in a country with seasons because a cc-in-winter arc would unlock new and exciting varieties of depression previously unknown to mankind
#i KNOW i said i wasn't going to vent post but worst case scenario i figure out the specific drug that fixes whatever is wrong with me#and then i redo the entire semester#i don't really know where else to go about this because i feel like once my friendships reach a certain threshold it becomes 99% What#Is Wrong With CC therapy session which is. not great. because if someone else tells me what is wrong with them i suddenly#forget how to feel empathy! which makes everything super one sided and exploitative! so. ventposting it is
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. “i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
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i want to go to therapy so ican traumadump to a trained professional who gets paid to listen to me say sad stuff
#txt#im constantly in flux between feeling like my traumas baby shit thats not worth talking about at all#vs feeling trapped and unable to talk about it Because of how harrowing it is#it cannot simultaneously be so bad i cant tell my friends and family AND so mild its not a big deal#if i go to therapy i dont have to worry abt traumatising the therapist because they get Paid for it and therefore can suck it up#sorry for like ventposting or whatever i know i dont do it very often im just saying shit#i think counselling could be worth a try and if i can get it on the nhs that would be convenient do i look like i can afford any better
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Fucked up our T shot so fuckin bad cuz the stupid pharmacy gave us syringes that don't fuckin work with our shitty weak hands n they gave us the wrong fuckin bit for drawin it too n I just had a fuckin anxiety attack n near breakdown on a call cuz of it n I got the fuckin T all over our stupid fuckin bedsheets n our leg hurts like hell n is bleeding way too fuckin heavily n jesus christ I definitely need to just stop fuckin existin
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it's getting unbearable babes <3
#me 🤝 ventposting#but seriously i am at my fucking limit#!!#want to be anyone but me at this point like#living as myself in this brain in this body it is not fuckin good!!#just feel fundamentally broken and awful and like nothing is fixable anymore. yknow.#anyway whatever im ok just wanna kms#rambles#delete later
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Cat indulging in drugs. In a sunbeam and everything
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anyone else up reminding themselves choices made in anger cannot be undone 😑
#pissed off too complicated to bother explaining and i dont wanna get into the habit of ventposting again anyway#not even being presented with any choices i could make right now im just barking at an empty alleyway and trying to tug my leash away#before i find a way to make this shit into a real choice and fuck up everything. but also i kind of want to im so pissed off!!!!!!#and ik i have shit to lose but it doesnt rly feel like it right now. whatever im just tired ive had too long a day so its making it worse#better luck next time i guess maybe someday ill have close friends or even just someone who actually gives a single meaningful fuck abt me#my train was delayed bc of course it was so ive just been ruminating most of the journey UGH. its fine i need to eat smth#and iron a shirt and trousers for tomorrow. and then go immediately to sleep#.diaries#GRRRRRR......... but choices. made in anger. grits teeth.
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Anyways on the topic of renewing my learners permit they're closing the DMV liiike, testing area here indefinitely after next week and I *REALLY* do not want to have to go out of town to get my actual license, so I'm really tempted to practice everyday til next Thursday and then try and get it last minute before I can't get it here for who the hell knows how long. 👍
#ramblings#the thing is i havent driven a shit ton. im comfortable enough behind the wheel but have noooo in-town practice. fml#anyways whatever ill feel normaler after i can go to bed tonight todays just sucked between waking up at noon by accident#and then the prev ventpost thing and then this. whatever
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All my friends: we like your stuff, we're glad to have you around, please throw giant textposts at us!
Me: Clearly I am being too noisy, I should disappear forever now.
#why does my brain do that#like who hurt me?#i don't understand#whatever. not listening#ventpost#kinda#tagging just to be sure
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so tired of not fitting in anywhere not like in a cool mysterious oh i don't fit in bc im so interesting and everyone is so dull kind of way like i never felt feeling of belonging and peace and being home kind of way like always the outsider watching from afar never connecting to anyone or anything or anywhere kind of way im always the observer and im stuck being the observer and no one else
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i cant imagine how weird it is to make ventposts and have the entirety of tumblr reblog them and just adding whatever in the tags 😭 stay strong
LMAO i always forget people can see my posts until someone adds a character tag to me like. talking about wanting to kill myself and then i'm like fuck this is real and visible and on others people's screens right now in this moment
#but it's also cool to see ppl relate or express themselves when i talk about the experiences tht isolate/pain me.........like im alone but n#not alone yippeee#anon#ask chloe
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