#venting and rambling

[bunnylouisegrimes]

I might be going on hiatus from posting content for a bit (not counting reblogging). I'm not sure yet. (Plus My Personal Fandom Frustrations)

Like the title says. I might be cleaning up some of my vent posts since I've come back to Tumblr, too. I haven't decided yet. I need to get a lot done in the next eight days that I'm gonna have off after tomorrow's day of work related to studying for the NCLEX. I've been ruminating a lot lately on feeling inadequate in fandom, and every time I post (especially artwork), I feel an odd sense of anxiety and disgust, like it's just not good enough, literally nobody cares about it, etc. The truth is, I know there are people who care, and I deeply appreciate all of you who do 🫂❤️. If only I could make myself stop falling into these bad headspaces.

It depresses me to see the direction fandom culture in general has gone. The focus on consumption and not community is a huge element. I know Canon x Canon ships have always been the most popular in any fandom, and OC x Canon has either been despised or made into a subtle competition amongst each other (who's OC and ship is the least "Mary Sue-ish," who's OC and ship is the most sexy, who's OC and ship is the most logical, etc., when really, the focus should be the equal uniqueness of each OC x Canon ship), and Self Insert x Canon is always the most despised/hated/ignored, but all of these pre-existing issues in fandom culture on top of this newly accepted consumption vs community problem has made me very sad and made it difficult for me to truly be proud of my work at times.

I think it doesn't help that, as much as I am proud of how niche, "real," and self-indulgent my works are, how much I really try to capture a very human experience in my works to help others who understand my feelings feel less alone (just as many works from others have helped me in that sense), I feel that because my works don't focus on "what's popular," they're wastes of time and no one cares, and that they must suck. They're not helping anyone and bringing anyone happiness like so many other pieces of content.

Since The Purge/Polite Leader doesn't really have a fandom and never really has (sadly), from the AP community perspective, I feel inadequate compared to so many talented people here. Of course, I'm so happy to find a community I wanted when I first got into Patrick in the fall of '21. But I just can't give back to so many of you in the "right" way. I can't provide you PaulPat (the most popular Canon x Canon ship here) because I don't like it. I can't provide X Reader fics because I'm terrible at writing them, as much as I love reading them myself. I can't even provide an interesting OC people recognize and enjoy. I can't even write stuff about abusing Patrick (yes, he's an asshole, he deserves it, but I don't personally like it like I thought I did when I first got into him and "hated" him). Basically, what I'm getting at is: I can't provide content this community enjoys and makes everyone happy based on numbers and reception, and I'm so sorry. I wish I could properly express my appreciation for being here, but instead, I'm left feeling like, "almost everyone enjoys this thing, and almost no one enjoys your thing, it clearly sucks and you're like a little parasite here in this community clogging AO3 and the tags here with your self insert crap."

So Idk, maybe I'll change my mind tomorrow and post something when I get home from work. Who knows for now. I just wanted to vent out on some of the reasons I've been depressed and frustrated with myself and the way fandom culture is (not that I can control the latter, it's a global collective problem plauging a hobby). I just wish I could express my appreciation for this community so much more, and I wish I had that ability to post things I know this community enjoys and likes rather than share the pathetic crap I know no one likes.

To my closest friends on here who always support me: you're the real ones. You know who you are, and I never ever want you to feel that I don't appreciate you and your endless support. I love you so deeply, and you're the reason I haven't given up from posting online altogether ❤️ 💖 In fact, you're the reason I even came back, and I'm so happy that I've met you every day. I hope we remain close for years to come 🫂♥️

[jingerpi]

"reblog to give a trans woman soup"

- 144k notes

"trans women experience misogyny because they're women"

- you are now on a blocklist

[arowitharrows]

tbh I really dislike how aphobia tends to be discussed whenever there's some kind of incident that makes it visible to general society. The most common response seems to be some variation of "why would anyone hate asexual/aromantic people, they aren't even doing anything" and it just always sits wrong with me. It paints such a passive picture of our existence and feels like a comment influenced by the level of invisibility that aspec people have in society. Why would you be annoyed by someone who is practically invisible? Just go back to ignoring their existence, it's easy!

But despite the invisibility, aspec people are actually doing quite a lot of things that will piss off queerphobic, right-wing and religious people (and hell, even left-wing people). And the most obvious point is that we are actively not performing heterosexuality the way they want us to. People who's entire world view is "cis men and women should be in monogamous, heterosexual marriage and have (white) babies" are not going to lean back and say "oh but those asexuals and aromantics are fine". They will also hate our guts, and they will come up with all sorts of reasons, including insinuating we're all secretly into bestiality, or mentally ill, or not human, or attention seeking children. It's just plain old queerphobia, and like all queerphobia, there's no inherent logic to it which you can worm your way out of by "not doing anything".

And like, there's a lot more that aspec people do which people hate. Raising awareness about amatonormativity? People feel attacked, they hate it. Asexual people having sex? Or not having sex? People hate it! Aromantic people being in (seemingly) romantic relationships? People fucking hate it! Aromantic people having sex? Ohh people hate that!!

I guess the existence of aphobia can be confusing when you haven't spent much time thinking about asexuality and aromanticism, but in the end, these are identities that aren't heteronormative and they will be hit with the same or similar bigotry as any other queer identity. I just get tired of this response after seeing it recycled for 10 years without ever seeming to go any further.

[miitopia-cake]

me looking for ace/aro characters: lets go gambling!

[character's sex repulsion is used for jokes] aw dang it

[character is put in sexual situations despite disliking it] aw dang it

[character's identity is ignored by fandom] aw dang it

[characters creators sexualize them] aw dang it

[aro character gets 'fixed' by true love] aw dang it

[aro/ace character is literally an animal] aw dang it

[creator messes up definition of asexuality] aw dang it

[characters asexuality is never brought up in media] aw dang it

[soupedepates]

me when packing my things in classified boxes : oh i love being autistic (❁´◡`❁)

me when my hotplate blows a fuse causing a lot of problems including, but not limited to, hanger, unexpected changes, realising there's a broken screw on the breaker, aggressiveness and getting scolded for aforementioned aggressiveness : Fuck autism I'm enrolling in the war on autism on the side of the shitty autism moms.

i am eating a raw bell pepper cuz i am at my fucking limit

i haven't taken my antipsychotic for a while and that's perhaps why i am starting to have some weird thoughts

[teaboot]

You know being transmasc after a life of growing up as the sole "girl" in male-dominated areas gives you a weird and complicated relationship with gender identity.

Like... being told straight to your face, "you're naturally bad at this cause you're a girl", "you're naturally weaker cause you're a girl", "you can act tough but you'll always just be a girl", "stop acting like you can keep up with the men", and even the well-intentioned, "Yeah women are like that, but you don't count, you're basically one of the boys"...

It leads you to this weird space where it's like. "Fuck you, women kick ass," and then busting yourself up to prove that you, a woman, *can* keep up, and not only keep up but do it better than anyone else, and taking pride in your femininity because it's not a fucking weakness, but at the same time knowing that... You're not a woman.

You're not a woman. You're not a girl. People just see tits and curves and decide that nature made you delicate, and then all of a sudden it's your responsibility to prove that you're not fucking weak, women aren't weak, while also saying, "I'm not a woman, though."

It's... bizarre.

I'm not a girl. But so long as I'm interpreted as one, I'm still gonna be held back by the same stereotypes. But if I ever stop being interpreted as one, then all the hard fucking work I put in to excel in my field is going to go down the toilet as "just something you can do because you're a man".

And fuck that. That's stupid, too. Guys shouldn't have their effort taken for granted like that, and it stings extra hard because you remember people just naturally assuming you suck and earning respect only to lose it immediately the second you step over to the "man" side. Because you've worked your whole life for something that as a man you'd just be expected to have naturally.

You SEE that shit staring you in the face, and worst of all people still walk around you in plain view and still talk about how women can't do shit and conveniently forget that you've BEEN ONE. "Because you were a man all along" or "because you overcompensate to prove yourself", whatever they think of to justify the cognitive dissonance that keeps their narrative going.

Nobody seems to consider that I'm not really different from women OR men, because those differences don't exist.

I'm not "naturally better" than women because I don't identify as one, and I'm not "worse than" men because I wasn't assigned the title by a third party. I'm just a person. We're all just people.

I'm just tired, man.

[jules-ln]

Bit out of nowhere from me but I hate hate HATE how nowadays comic book writers who have never touched an Iron Man comic before write him as a tech bro without any kind of class awareness

As if Tony hasn't canonically been homeless and almost died because of it

As if there weren't lots (and I mean LOTS) of Iron Man comics that are a direct critique of capitalism because no matter how intelligent and talented Tony is, he loses a lot of money because he focuses on doing the right thing and not on making the line go up

As if Iron Man didn't have lots and lots of old comics warning about climate change and global warming

And I blame 1) The Civil War comic and 2) The MCU for this

[starsofang]

simon was the only one who could understand you. of course, he understood your interests and your distastes, but he was the only one who could understand you.

on days where you couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t shower, couldn’t live, simon was the one who understood. he’d lay in bed with you, bathe with you, even when he barely fit in the tub and would have to maneuver his legs in an uncomfortable position to fit the both of you.

when the world was against you, simon stood tall by your side.

when you didn’t have it in you anymore to keep on going, simon gave you a second chance.

he knew how you felt. how when things got bad again, nobody was there to pick you back up, to tell you things will be okay, to hug you. simon never had that for himself, so when he met you, a shattered reflection of himself, he provided you with what he didn’t have.

unconditional love. undying affection. admiration on days where you felt you didn’t deserve it. everything he didn’t get before you, he gave you twice as much.

simon glued back your broke pieces with the utmost care. and when you broke again, he’d do it all over.

simon loved you for you. he loved every fragment that cracked along the way. loved you on days where you didn’t love yourself, and loved you on days where you felt like you were on top of the world.

where most people saw an ugly flower, shriveling up into rotted petals, he saw the garden of eden blossoming right before his eyes. he watered every intricate flowers, providing you with warm rays of sunshine in order to assure you would grow.

he took his time with you. he remained patient, because love always is. after all, you can’t bloom a garden without the occasional parasite or weed, and simon would get on hands and knees, fingers in the dirt if it meant tending to you.

[fleecy-fawkes91]

God is there anything more...humbling and anxiety inducing than a UTI? Especially if it's been a couple years since you had one?

Like, I take these vitamins and stuff to promote good downstairs health and like...it works, idk if it's a placebo effect or what but I've felt good, haven't had a UTI since I started taking them.

And now it's like I got cocky, flew too close to the sun and now I've crashed. I mean, I think they kept it from being worse than it could have been but still.

Plus like, it happened a few days after I did the do with the husband and like, I'm always super good about cleaning up after specifically because I know this is a risk and this just like...idk I get anxious about being intimate like, last time I did I got hurt what if it happens again? And it sucks cause well I like sex, but it's hard to enjoy it when I'm anxious about potential UTIs.

There's also the vicious circle of like, you need to pee more but it hurts to pee but so you don't want to but holding it makes things worse obviously...

I got antibiotics and painkillers and I'm chugging water like it's my job...I just wish I could find a comfy way to curl up and wallow in my misery.

[dumplingsjinson]

List of “sweet and intimate actions which make me go feral and have me folding like a folding chair” prompts 

Character B carding their fingers through Character A’s hair and playing with the strands.

Character B peeling back the neck of Character A’s turtle neck sweater to trail gentle kisses down their neck. (This!! It is so hot, and it's everything I didn't know I needed until now, and I cannot stop thinking about it wlkfnlkwe)

Character B placing their arm around Character A’s waist while in public, resting their chin on Character A’s shoulder. “Hello,” they say in a teasing tone as Character A tries to grab ahold of their hand to keep it there but fails a few times before successfully doing so. 

Leaning against each other while in public.

Spooning and back hugs.

Character B letting Character A rest their head on their chest; lets them listen to their heart beat. 

Character B whispering sweet nothings into Character A’s ear.

Character B checking in on Character A to make sure they’re comfortable and okay with the way things are going; to make sure they’re not being too much. “You’re not,” Character A would reassure, repositioning themselves to get closer to Character B.

Just cuddles and snuggles in general.

Neck kisses.

Kisses littered all over the face. (!!! It's one thing to read about it and one thing to experience it wlejbfewljn)

Character B tucking Character A’s head under their chin while they’re cuddling.

Character B nuzzling their neck and breathing in Character A’s scent/fragrance, and commenting on how nice they smell.

Character B making sure Character A gets home safe by driving them home.

Character A telling Character B to message them when they get back home safe, and once Character B gets home, they follow through by sending a message to let Character A know they’ve gotten back home safe.

Taking naps together, from day till night, waking up every now and then to get more snuggles in. 

That soft exhalation of adoring laughter leaving Character B’s mouth after kissing Character A (this shit had me folding so fucking hard it’s not even funny. I Am Weak). 

That soft exhalation of laughter once again just because Character B is so content with having Character A in their presence, and Character A just basking in how cute that sound is and how happy it makes them. 

Character B entangling their legs with Character A’s, pressing their bodies flush against each other’s, leaving little to no space between them. (It’s almost like they can’t get enough of Character A.) 

Kissing so many times, to the point where they lose track of how many times they’ve kissed already. 

Holding hands and lacing their fingers together while they’re cuddling.

Comparing hand sizes and giggling about it together.

Character B stroking Character A’s hair while they’re asleep. (Or uh, pretends to be asleep DJSKKSKDSK but it’s so FUCKING CUTE WHEN HE DID THAT IM GONNA SCREAM, me thinking moments like these only happen in Korean dramas or some shit anfkakfksk-)

The sweet little banters in between; Character B being all cheesy and Character A playfully deflecting their comments only for Character B to playfully push back with an “Is something wrong with that?” or “But I’m not lying.”

Falling asleep in each other’s arms, both not wanting to leave the bed for the entire day and wanting to stay comfortably snuggled up against each other instead.

Character B placing their hands on Character A’s shoulders, and Character A, with a grin on their face, gently grabs Character B’s hands and wraps their arms around their neck while leaning back into them. Character B reciprocates by hugging them closer to them.

The soft noises of content Character A makes when they snuggle closer to Character B, or when they want Character B to hold them closer to them, with Character B happily obliging. 

Character B rubbing their cheek against Character A’s.

Character B trying to not wake Character A up because they look so comfortable when sleeping. (His words, not mine.) 

Soft, repeated pecks on the lips, causing Character A to laugh/smile against Character B’s lips. 

[bunnylouisegrimes]

After how hard today has been at work, and how shitty I feel, I really don't want to go back tomorrow. All I want to do is run away with Patrick and/or the Polite Leader and never look back.

[foldingfittedsheets]

Well fuck. I got confused yesterday selling the speakers and got stiffed $100. That sucks. I know it’s still extra money but I was so excited and it sucks that being a dingus cost $100.

[paintedhyenadogs]

I love being Malaysian. I love my country, I love my culture. But god is being trans so so so hard here. Especially as a trans man, obviously not to say trans women/fems don't struggle, of course they do, but Im talkin trans men/mascs uniquely here alr.

Our society is still very misogynistic, which of course means heavy emphasis on feminity, purity, marriage and traditional roles. If you're Malay, like me, meaning you're ethnically muslim, that means marriage is suuuper important. Arranged marriages aren't out of the realm of possibility, and child marriage is rampant. Legally, I could've been married at 16. 16! The legal age for boys is 18. Then don't get me started on child marriages in certain states, which allows for children younger than 16 to be married off to a suitor far older than them LEGALLY. My parents aren't the type to marry me off at 16, thank god, but they joked about it. It grossed me the fuck out.

But Im an adult now, they could find some hot Ustaz to marry me off to, and I'd be raped and impregnated by him and nothing can be done because marital rape isn't actually rape here. Divorce? I doubt they'd let me, they'd tell me to work it out over and over before they'd actually let me leave.

Traditional rape, is still thought of as partially the victim ("womens") fault. It's still the clothes you wear. If you wear "revealing" clothes it's partially your fault. You should've been more stern, should've been more compliant, if you did everything right you wouldn't have been assaulted and impregnated! What? You want to get rid of it? You monster! How could you? It's your baby!

The inkling of me not wanting to get married pissed my mother off, she cited our religion to put fear in me to marry. It hasn't worked on me, I want to get married anyway. Just not as a woman. The idea of me not wanting children pissed her off too, I was required to have them as a god fearing woman of faith. My husband would want kids, and I would give them to him. Blegh.

If I die here, I will be buried with my birth name. If I die here I will die a girl. If I die here I will be mourned as such. If I die of violence here it will be listed in the category of woman, cis woman. No one but those who knew me for me would know that it was wrong. I don't want that.

I wonder how many people like me are out there in this country. I wonder how many of them are happy, living as men, I wonder how many are unhappy. Living as wives to men they maybe love, probably don't, forced to ignore who they really are. I wonder how many of them are dead.

So I will live, I will breathe. Stay a malay Malaysian man, gay as all hell, till the end of my days. I will grow old. I will be the goddamned tranny my mother hated and others will know the name of. I will live

[aria-herself]

The isolation of trans women, and specifically the common pattern of trans women being kicked out of communities, is interesting to me as a radical transfeminist. or like, I tend to think there are a lot of interlocking effects that produce it.

First, trans women are talked about but not listened to. In our specific position as trans women we are subject to a particular strain of misogyny justifying itself with transphobia that let's people be safely misogynist towards us. Or, we are seen as too loud, too present, too mean, too angry, etc. The impulse to shut us up (because we are women) is justified (because we are trans).

Second, our rejection of assimilation (which, to be clear, i think is both necessary and good). This is I think more interesting and more complicated. Most trans women are not just trans women. We are disabled, poor, or fat. We aren't conventionally attractive or we won't perform femininity. Our broader transfeminist movement rejects assimilationism. And, in doing so, we fail to assimilate.

Broader anti-intersectional politics sees people marginalized in multiple ways as necessarily illegible to preserve structural power. If you understand that not all women are white, you must then recognize that just accepting white women is not enough. That the systems in place must be destroyed and cannot merely by fixed by treating each intersection (starting with the closest to power) with step by step bug fixes. Then, trans women are, generally, illegible.

In the interpersonal sphere, I think this manifests very interestingly as a mythologizing of us. We are not seen as trans women (as in members of the idealized group), because none of us precisely fit the tropes. Or, maybe we are, until we fail those tropes. And, being not seen as that, it is safe to mistreat us. The intersection of transness with femaleness plays out on a fractal scale and each further marginalization is another argument that we aren't worth it.

Then, finally, the tropes about us. We're mean girls, separatists, rapists, predators, problematic, radfems. These stories about us then provide the explanation. We aren't the perfect mythologized image of the trans woman so when we inevitably fail to meet that image we are revealed to be mean, spiteful, bitches who just need to shut up and listen while they tell us what we are and why we need to leave now and never talk again. And misogyny is right and the cycle is complete.

[waywardsou2]

"There were dragons when I was a boy"

AND THERE SHOULD STILL BE DRAGONS NOW, THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SENT AWAY. THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE DISSAPEARED OF THE FACE OF THE PLANET

The Dragon's were never meant to leave, they shouldn't have left.

Toothless would have NEVER left Hiccup

Literally the third movie undid the beautiful message at the end of the second movie. Berk was their home, they were going to defend it with everything they had. The Dragons are their friends, their family, their people. They belong with the dragons just as much as the dragons belong with them. Berk was a paradise on Earth for Dragons and humans. Separating them was the worst possible plot route.

I cannot stress enough how devastating it was for the final instalment of the How to Train your Dragon franchise (I'm ignoring that shit tv series and those short movies) to have taken the dragons away from the characters. I cannot state how distraught I am thinking about it now

What the fuck, and how dare you

[lazylittledragon]

so uhhhhhhhh. not to be cryptic and bitchy on main but congratulations to everyone in my messages for like 5 months on being right i guess