#used to hate him for being too angry
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heartbreaking: i am exactly like my father
#spend so long running from it but .#yeah.#become what i swore to destroy etc etc#used to hate him for being too angry#too self sabotaging. drinking and smoking too much and …. well look at me now fellas#the cycle is endless and i am forever cooked#anyways#octo talks#father/eldest daughter trauma goes fucking hard#‘daughter’ but still. shapes your psyche and whatnot
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Thinking about the fact that Mabel and Dipper didn't know they had two great uncles.
Yeah they are 12 and at 12 I had a shotty understanding of my family tree- But really? Nobody brought up their great uncle? Stanley? Especially since they'll be staying with his twin brother, Stanford?
Shermie never went to Stan's fake funeral, which to me means the twos relationship was strained on some level. If Shermie is older that means his view of Stan was poisoned in some way, that even as kids they weren't close. If the Shermie is younger then he never even got to meet Stan and all he knew about him was how he failed his family. Hell, people probably barely mentioned Stanley TO Shermie.
The fact that Stan had become a black stain upon the Pines family name makes me so vividly upset. Stanley faked his death and the family just- seemingly decided to strike him from the record. To pretend he didn't existed to spare themselves the sadness and shame.
Stanford and Shermie Pines. The only children worth mentioning of Filbrick and Caryn Pines.
It was never Stanford that was lost to the world. It was Stanley, ever since he had to leave New Jersy- it was always him that had to be struck from the record. Change his name, change his state, change his affiliations, destroy the remains of ghost that was Stanley Pines. Kill him so the family doesn't bring him up, doesn't ask questions, stops asking "Stanford" about his twin.
I just keep thinking about the fact that since the day he made one single mistake all the way up until Ford walks out of that machine- Stanley Pines was killed and did not exist. And Stan himself had no one to blame, he had to play the part in his own demise- He is the only one who ever knew Stanley was alive and has been for decades.
He lives in the multitudes of every personality he's ever taken, all in the hope that he himself can stop being Stanley Pines.
#gravity falls#grunkle stan#stanley pines#STANLEYYYYYY#STANLEY THEY COULD NEVER MAKE ME HATE YOU STANLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#sharky rants#Just. Imagine the fucking shame you have to live with#the shame that you can never be yourself. That anything you were is unwanted and forgotten#The shame of just BEING- Of taking space of- of /breathing-/#Imagine the world; your friend; your family; your colleagues being so ashamed of having known you#that you feel more comfortable with a persona to present.#You feel more comfortable stealing the identity of someone you care for deeply if only to help#If only to feel capable for once. To feel like you belong- Like youre doing something good for once#Imagine the shame that brings you to be comfortable not being yourself for 40 years.#ALL CASE YOU BROKE ONE FUCKING PROJECT??????? COME ON#I mean- the deeprooted shame was started from earlier. He was 'the stupid twin“; 'the troublemaker”; “the cheat and thief”#This was a long time coming#But those werent MISTAKES- The one time he genuinely made a Mistake he lost everything#Like he really mattered so little to the people around him#and he cant really blame them.#My cousin is a genius. Hes smart and academically achieved since I was a baby.#The only thing I had that he didnt was my ability to draw. to be creative. The guy for the longest time had a better social life then me too#I used to get brought to tears seeing his accomplishments- seeing people praise him. The shame lived in me any time I had to see him#The shame that I was the black sheep of the family next to the golden standard for a son- for a student- for a friend.#when I was none of those things#And Im lucky he was my cousin- cause if he was my brother that would have haunted me EVERY DAY rather then once or twice a year#Im better with it now; Im more content with who I am- But trauma dump aside-#I very very very much understand Stans shame in being the stupid one. The unachieved one in a family full of achieved people#the shame thats angry at him for being better. at the family for treating him special. and most of all at yourself that you cant be better#its a visceral feeling that I sadly understand
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do you know why vale seems to have a soft spot for pedrosa?
there's not any single one reason, I don't think, but here's are a few contributing factors that come to mind:
history! in large part because of the honda link, dani's the alien he's known the longest... valentino was the number one honda rider at a time at which dani was honda's rising star. photo on the right is from the 2001 honda celebrations at the last race of the season (when dani was sixteen); from oxley's valentino rossi: all his races: "that night vale celebrated in style at a raucous honda victory party, where he taught honda youngsters daijiro kato and dani pedrosa how to drink". they've known each other forever! valentino was getting teenage dani drunk! quite natural to be fond of someone you've seen grow up like that, even if they are being moulded to be your next big rival
circumstance! the way it basically works with valentino is that if you want to have a feud with him, you generally need to have a title fight with him when you’re already ‘established’ rivals (ignore marc, that’s its own thing, 2015 is a freaky season). biaggi and valentino were enemies headed into 2001 and then were worse enemies, he was cool with sete in year one but not year two, mostly *wiggles hand* the same with casey and jorge… feuds aren't build overnight. valentino and dani weren’t ever really direct title rivals - closest they got was 2006 and 2008, but in both cases valentino probably didn’t see dani as his main problem that year. there wasn't really any competitive necessity for valentino to get nasty... also with one or two notable exceptions, valentino did kinda have dani handled in their actual wheel-to-wheel fights, which let’s face it probably didn’t hurt
yapping! so this is just a theory but it’s one I believe strongly in. you know how valentino loves to talk, right? the thing about pressers and podiums is that you're always going to have a few regular attendees, if you will, corresponding to the front runners in any given year. now, unfortunately for valentino, there were periods of time where almost every other regular attendee was someone he had pretty active beef with. that doesn’t mean he always avoided yapping at them, but relatively speaking you want a guy you can build up some good repartee with to pass the time. dani was his guy… less complicated than casey and jorge, plus dani is polite enough to go along with it and maybe even enjoy chatting to valentino (it’s been known to happen). pressers can be boring and at podiums you're still full of adrenaline, valentino wants to share a joke with someone! my completely unscientific sense is that valentino does this a lot with dani around 2008-ish to 2012, then for two years marc is the number one yap victim, then for a while it’s a bit…? oddly valentino does seem to chat quite a lot with jorge in 2015... he likes to throw in a quirky behavioural pattern sometimes to keep you guessing. anyway then in 2016 he is Actively Ignoring two of these men so vale goes!! hi there dani!! and takes it from there (though the field is more mixed up post-2015 so he becomes more of an opportunistic yapper). in general, valentino will chat to pretty much anyone with A Few Exceptions, but he does usually have a bit of an order of preference
dani’s personality! now, obviously dani is very much capable of feuds, but he’s not that naturally combative a character. valentino generally needs a competitive justification for beef, though some personal animosity can help too… but he never really hated any of that trio of young riders to come through. valentino's known dani forever, he’s been around dani a fair bit because of their respective statuses in the sport, dani isn’t going out of his way to pick fights with valentino, so no reason not to get on! he does clearly quite like chatting to dani and seems pretty fond of him even towards the start of the alien era, at a time in which it was broadly expected that dani not casey would emerge as vale's primary challenger... god knows if the relationship would have soured if dani had assumed that mantle (probably at least a little lol) but failing that, valentino does just seem to quite like him. y’know, sometimes it’s like that
They Have Also Had Their Disagreements, But There Hasn’t Been Much Cause For It To Escalate Further. these disagreements have tended to be over racing standards, where dani is generally in the ‘you people are all insane’ camp and valentino is generally in the ‘ah it’s fine’ camp (though, obviously, there is nuance here… cf vale also criticising sic over the le mans 2011 incident that left dani with the broken collarbone). generally, they don't get into direct conflict over it, more of an underlying difference in positions (hey, aragon 2013 is an example)... but there’s been dani’s suggestion that valentino’s sepang 2015 stance is inconsistent with his generally laissez faire approach, and also some other isolated little scuffles over the years like say 2017 aragon (see below). pretty small scale stuff in the grand scheme of things and if you've been on-track rivals for that long it's kinda inevitable you'll eventually disagree about some stuff, but perhaps worth bringing up
went through all of the alien combos in my head and these two slot in just behind dani/casey as probably the two most consistently beef-free inter-alien relationships? dani/casey gets extra credit for surviving The Teammate Test. but, y'know, the thing about valentino is that he's a sociable, outgoing guy... he likes talking to people... he's actually interested in them... he's a decent conversationalist, easy to get on with, all that stuff. so if you expose valentino to this nice fella who at most was like... perhaps a bit more reserved towards the start of his time in the premier class (partly due to his mentor's approach), but really was generally pretty chill... well, if valentino isn't given any reason to hate dani, then default state is that he won't. good on them etc
#valentino took the team dani or team jorge thing too seriously and had already decided he hated jorge based on vibes#so he was like oh i guess i’ll be a dani fan. he just pretended not to notice the reconciliation... in his head they're both still beefing#valentino paid dani off for estoril 2006 and he’s been nice to him ever since to keep him quiet#not because he's worried everyone will know he tried to rig the title but because he's embarrassed it didn't work#valentino had a long con planned to use dani to psychologically torment jorge but their reconciliation scuppered his schemes#valentino felt so guilty about not offering dani the chair he brought to the sepang 2006 podium#DESPITE dani’s knee being fucked that he’s been trying to repent ever since#valentino got really excited at jerez 2008 to stand on a podium where the other two were the ones involved in an active feud....#a feud rekindled by dani's refusal to shake jorge's hand at qatar. so vale's always been grateful to dani for this special experience#valentino has such poor posture that the natural incline of his back makes it easy for him to talk right into dani's ears#valentino said in his autobiography he finds short people funny when they're angry. dani’s short and was weird around jorge#valentino had a feud arc planned with dani for 2010 (he wanted a different one every year) but broke his leg and never got round to it#brr brr#//#batsplat responds#alien tag#in all seriousness if there is a silver bullet reason they get on that i've never come across please feel free to write in#need to just make sure everyone has noticed sete in the background of that 2006 photo. has everyone seen him
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i was telling my sibling about the Would Hannibal Eat Them poll mini essays i was doing and it became “people gotta lay off mr suzuki man. him and yamada are friends. they were acting. why would suzuki even be responsible for yamada’s paycheck when they’re coworkers. suzuki isn’t his boss. and again it was An Act” which devolved into “people Really hate goro when julie was the primary abuser in their relationship” and like man i Hate to be number 1 goro defender but like. like you honor he Did do that. but so did she. and then “bro i fucking hate policeman”
#i HATE to be number 1 goro defender bc like. women characters are USUALLY treated worse for the same crimes men characters commit#but i feel like people hate goro for being an alcoholic Combined with him throwing the bottle at julie#and they like. forget julie’s constant mistreatment of goro That We See#like i get it ! seeing a drunk man A Father act out and hurt his wife is. all too common a thing that happens.#i say this as someone who’s dad use to be Very physically abusive and was drunk for a lot of it !#but peopel don’t seem to realize that He Isn’t A Violent Drunk. julie is usually And Frequently the one hitting him#she smacked him in the cutscene we First see them#she hits him. she berates him. she threw out his belongings His Passion Projects. and up to that moment he just Took it#their daughter even tells you she hates her dad bc he doesn’t stand up for himself Or For Her against her mom/his wife#he is not an angry or violent person. he’s kinda just passive and sad#him throwing the bottle at julie was a breaking point type moment#Julie’s storyline is her realizing how shitty she treated her family!!!!!!#i believe in women’s wrongs!!!!!!!!!!!#chulip#words from the monarch
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Every time the crystalised discussion on twitter comes back and they get to Lloyd's issues with his father i want to freaking rip my hair out
"Lloyd's in the wrong" "Lloyd was an ass" (<something I literally just saw)
God forbid a child hurt by their parent BE HURT. BE UPSET.
#LLOYD was an ass???? um. have you seen his father?????#i hate it so much i hate it so much i hate it so much#i want to throw up#why do you people not get it#do you need to have a shitty parent yourself to get it.#my mum has never tried to kill me but i get it !!#i WISH i could go off at her like lloyd did!#or wohld i be an ass for that too? hm?#despite the years of hurt caused? hm?#shut the hell up all of you i#this is so stupid to be angry about but lloyd being allowed to br angry at his dad meant a lot to me#this feels so relatable to me#so personal#why do people refuse to see that lloyd has been hurt by his fathers actions again and again#him having issues woth his father isnt even new to crystalised!#remember in s4 when je said something about 'walking out on us again'???#nooo probably not because that man is aaaaalways perfect and the best ever!#i dont know where im going with this im just upset and annoyed and this always happens#i need to continue getting readynfor work.#ignore me#vent#i guess.
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oh so alisaie’s exaggerated bully behavior is 80% fanon. saying this she casually picks up a large rock
#say one thing wrong to me and you will have a wonderful few days with the rock#if angry silly girls have 100 fans etc if they have 0 fans i have died#sorry i saw a YouTube meme i vehemently disliked on principle and got mad at the only child behavior-#kipspeak#she is just short tempered and uses anger to mask other more ‘shameful’ emotions!!! alphy did the same thing with just deciding not#to express them. which is still not good and I think why he breaks and ends up teary so often now#this shortness does not translate to actually being mean to people. she only uses being mean as a shield for herself and being snarky#Is just fun for her. it’s fun for Me. you have to inconsequentually tease people or they’ll never learn to laugh at themselves#the twins and thancred 🫵 do this thing where they have big emotions but they don’t want anyone to SEE they have big weird emotions#so alphy pretends he doesn’t have them under a veneer of dignity and alisaie pretends the emotions are Something Else. thancred is#just so emotionally constipated he has trouble expressing anything. he’s got enough baggage for a flatbed#anyways. alisaie is such a compassionate and kind girl and she learned how to make snarky jokes and went ham. and she hates appearing sad o#weak or vulnerable so she blocks it off with an unapproachable emotion so no one pities her and they maybe get on with the plot#it is in fact also great at getting ppl to move away from the sad or embarrassing topic. even if the tradeoff is being more offputting#she would never (grabs youtube meme) she would never seriously bully her brother. this is sibling ribbing only. Cain instinct#just leave her be she is learning how to snark humor and she loves it she loves being sharp. alphy has wit he just keeps it close#my brother didn’t learn how to tell or receive a joke until he was 14 he took everything so seriously. he can do it now though and he’s#HILARIOUS. Don’t tell him I said that. my man knows exactly where the funny points are even if he hasn’t learned when to stop yet#too many tags. Whatever. jokey snark alisaie who sometimes compliments is happy alisaie grouchy snappy angry alisaie is way too stressed#very easy way to tell between the two. even alphy can tell between the two I believe! He tends to rib back in protest if they’re having fun#and try to stop her if they’re not having fun. case in point ‘what is that supposed to mean?!’ vs ‘alisaie ryne was only trying to help.’#I know they’re twins but that’s such an intensely older sibling thing to do that it reels me#LONG TAGS AND THREE EDITS TO ADD ON SHORT I resent this stereotype taken too far into ooc behavior. it happened with nya#It will happen again and as a postscript let me regale you with Things U Can Notice About Character Motivation and Actions—#I’m not done let me s#she and raha are friends now I decree. ‘haha you like me’ SPUTTERING PROTEST FROM BOTH
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Hear me out (or don't... it's fine I'm just venting and mean) yeah um I don't believe Chakotay was saved in Prod*gy s2.
#the 'time travel' makes no sense when you think on it. What happened to Prime Chakotay? He got killed they showed that.#At the end s1 Janeway finds an 'alternate chakotay in an alternate timeline' and that's the one they go and get#we saw the original get merc'd in the message. That ACTUALLY happened. Lmao.....#They didn't prevent THAT death because they didn't go to THAT Solum with the Infinity and stop it from happening#instead it was 'ALTERNATE#' implying other.#OG Chakotay wasn't taken over by the alternative one either nothing suggests that was the direction for him in s2#they didn't do anything like 'well you see chakotay because at the end of s2 when we converged timestreams you have merged with your other'#if they did want to recover the original from s1 then keep that clear instead of being convoluted dont use an alternate timeline wtf#instead the plot was focused on gywns stupid fucking paradox plot and her being fixed#chakotay was the one in a paradox too did that not matter nah dw about it he had to die for this outcome or someshit lmao why#In the extended message given to admiral janeway it shows him clearly getting left behind and surrounded. Sadly no one intervened.#I dont understand why they couldnt have just made s2 about his rescue alone IF they took their time it wouldnt be so difficult#to follow#above that the one they rescued was ruined by the 10 year gap so he wasn't 'saved' at all. God i hate s2 when you break it apart#I dunno the more i look at s2 Janeway and Chakotay the more upsetting it is. Janeway would NOT have settled for an imposter.#everyone going goo-goo gaa gaa over s2 but it's sloppy af imo and undermines a huge portion voyagers struggles#id really like them to flatly lay out their ideas because literally nothing ive heard explains the story or choices of s2 with conviction#instead it's oh clap for wesley or the new vulcan and other references yay#describe to me your timetravel clearly and i'll happily take a seat on it (there is still other crap stuff mind you)#this is the most repressed shit i my head i swear#im angry because s1 is so clearly mapped out to a brilliant degree and for whatever reason it's not in s2#i can see through it#insultingly people are eating it up and claiming it's better than ever nah dawg embarrassing#there are nice ideas inside s2 but they arent adequately rewarded#it doesnt compare to the timetravel in other trek because they kept it clear#i mean it could have been an interesting parallel to endgame but in the end janeway didnt even rescue him lmao they dropped her#why bother building up this mission only for her to give up and go 'i'll hand it over because im told to'. Janeway had fuck all this season#let alone settle for not fixing her own timeline and her own friends deadly circumstance dw just grab another one from the shelf i guess#the emotional fallout was absolutely missed because they didnt elaborate on anything. Plenty of show but no substance from the characters
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like it's just the way that outside of the BATB/POTO 'love what's ugly and ostracized' narrative itself cocteau was gay and everybody hated his gall about it, howard ashman was gay and had to conceal it and died of aids after finishing his work for disney's batb.... rather than have dark be homophobic and spitting in the face of his inspirational roots (the sole canon detail i can't stand) it's much much much more interesting for me to both read and write not someone who's meant to be a pervert (in humor) and an agape lover (in serious contextualization) only to turn and say 'no homo' to the crowd every single time but rather, instead of all that, someone who, simultaneously taking daisuke into account, is both extremely firm yet simultaneously insecure in the struggle to establish their identity not only in regards to themselves but also around others.
that applies to a lot, but i've been considering it especially in regards to dark's gender and daisuke's attractions. dark in my portrayal (while overall 500% nonbinary) is closer to someone bi-gender rather than agender; the feminine aspect to him isn't just theatrics, it's actively also part of his entirety to him, (compared to daisuke's passivity; the ten thousand canonical princess allusions,) and even if nobody ever recognizes it in a cognizant way, it is always, always there, the same way that erik blurs and obscures gender in leroux's novel (my second enormous inspiration, sugisaki's outright admitted primary) and sakurai occasionally discusses his relationship as both a performer and a person as well (my third enormous inspiration and sugisaki's secondary,) (see 1, 2.) simply put, the tragedy of (my!) dark does not ever derive from his being able to choose and sit comfortably and confidently with this sort of identity (in fact, it's one of the few things he can stubbornly, viciously decide for himself [alongside daisuke] as essentially a non-human, autonomous 'angel',) it's instead the way that his personality is so strong and 'anti-feminine' in the eyes of convention that said aspect of himself often gets disregarded for strictly masculine (and regardless, further self-contradictory and therefore isolating,) expectations.
dark himself alone does not care if others do not understand him; this is meant to be one of his far more admirable and impressive traits. he's staunchly independent: he knows who he is, what he's supposed to be, and he knows that if he actively presented himself more femininely (crossdressing to 'pass' essentially,) then people's behaviors WOULD be very likely to change around him, but he doesn't even do that because it goes against his overwhelming sense of pride. he never contorts, he never twists himself, what matters to him is that he and he alone understands himself and knows what he is, what he isn't. but he is, without proper support or acceptance, still alone. even bearing a strong character, the stifling loneliness and inherent, underlying self-sense of broken/wrongness of the 'other,' (god's luciferean problem child, the black sheep, the black-leather wearing punk,) is still inflicted on him. dark exists solely for himself, he exists solely for daisuke, which is simultaneously wherein the inversion and insecurities lie: if dark is canonically the live metaphor for all the aspects of daisuke's self that he attempts to and yet cannot possibly, conceivably repress, from his loves to his faults to his shames and his criminal sins as a thief, then the likes of daisuke's own personal confusions in regards to himself and his attempts at intimacy/socialization with others is the other, hidden side of dark's absolute self-confidence; it's every fear of perpetual isolation, misunderstanding, and abandonment for things outside of daisuke's own control.
queerness in relation to the self (transgender allegory) queerness in relation to others (non-hetero-romanticism) mental illness (depression, anxiety,) etc, etc, dark's thematic basis may at its most general simply be "a secret that feels wrong and that you feel you can't really tell anyone or else you'll get in trouble/won't be as liked as much" but it feels much better to give due respect to each of these primary roots.
#*・゚⊰ 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒. ⊱ ✦ › OUT.#reference.#'tsun r u angry about homophobic dark again' u can't take the guy everybody loves and is supposed to actively admire in the series#then have him say all the time he hates gays. when he's gay#DN's mothers and grandfathers are all gay sakurai was smashing his head against that boundary even in the 90s ish#what's not clicking#this is not a particularly well thought out ramble btw#i just think it's important that dark as a character (mine i mean) has a particular kind of struggle that isn't often actively touched on#which is being strong but lonely. deeply independent but out of necessity. he doesn't need assurance per se; just acceptance#as yes. still a young child. /a teenager./ not an adult.#even though he's constantly putting his entirety into subtly. selflessly giving (just as shamelessly as he takes as a thief)#dark really. does not get a lot back. and it's even at the point where he doesn't want it either bc hes the 'responsible' one#it's often that people lose interest in him once this stuff comes into play because suddenly he's less attractive for being 'complicated'#and/or bc he's not a 'real' girl. or he's not 'fem' enough (again: strong personality. opposite of a waifish damsel)#nvm me getting followed once by an all fem muse blog that said no fem+fem shipping 😭😂 what the hell even was that#dark counts himself as 'male' he counts himself as 'female' he counts himself as 'other' he just doesn't want to connect with 'none'#because he and basically all the other arts also are all 'none' from the start. they're artworks. canonically their pronouns are all over#the place too. in dark's case he only uses he/him because he is. an ore-sama chara. but i hope#everybody who ever comes into my house (blog) knows him and mine very specifically#as an ore-sama ojou-sama. that's what Mine Is#the same way daisuke is christine. is sleeping beauty. is gerda from the snow queen. but also the cursed prince#ok? ok#ok. im going to cook now#like i love riku but we do not need to bash gay ppl to have a happy het shoujo romance#riku couldve had a cute gf if she wanted. the gf couldve been dai. couldve been dark. :/#'daisuke was originally to be a girl but there weren't a lot of romances from boys' perspectives' and he still can be both. this is how
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Watching SAOA clips and hearing Oberon talk makes me wanna rip out his tongue. Perhaps feed it to the pigs, but the pigs deserve better than that.
#unma rambles#“shame you don't put [that tongue] to better use” hey how about I rip put yours you piece of shit#the only reason I don't hate him more is that Asuna does such a great job of verbally ripping him apart#too busy enjoying Asuna being Asuna to be angry with him#sao abridged
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See, the thing is, I do like the angst (I wouldn't be a JJK fan if I didn't). In fact, I love it! I love tragedies and stories that make me cry. However, all this feels so unnecessary and meaningless
It doesn't really make much sense, either. This might be me being petty, but (also based on proof that was previously stated as canon) Gojo should've won lmao
Before, the tragedy was so good. Satosugu and Itafushi parallels. Nanami and Nobara dying. Junpei. Yuta and Rika. Etc, etc, etc. It was well written, it was interesting, and I liked seeing it. Most of all, it was creative
Now it just feels like Gege is pulling all of that bullshit out of his ass to school their audience, or something
Every single chapter has been just "[X] goes to fight Sukuna, [X] dies" and then it just repeats and repeats and repeats. It's always the same goddamn thing. The blatant favoritism towards Sukuna is kinda ruining the entire series for me
#i will be forever be angry at how gojo died#as i said b4: i do like him dying and his corpse being used as a weapon#however. i hate how he died#and the fact that for some reason everyone's ignoring that he beat sukuna's ass#that mf won out of sheer luck and favoritism i swear#se sacó el corte que corta el mundo o cómo se llame de lo más profundo de su ojete#it's been shown as canon that. that shit wouldn't kill him too like c'mon#idk all this is making me dislike sukuna a little bit#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#jjk critical#avis talks
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ok but im getting emo over heinkel again so im gonna talk about him again because yeah hes yet another sad character in a sea of sad characters and i love rezero for that but like he is a character consistently characterized by one loss after the other. it's a rollercoaster and its going straight fucking down and he is so miserable and absolutely alone and its both his fault and not his fault at all. but the way it starts is - its all out of his control. the more you think about the trajectory of his life the sadder it gets.
imagine you are heinkel and your parents are the sword saint and the sword demon and you come from a long line of knights and sword saints so thats almost definitely where youre headed, right? thats whats expected of you. you are nineteen years old and youre a knight in the royal guard, which was expected of you, and you have a wife and a beautiful baby boy, which was also expected of you, but at least you have so much joy and love for the latter while the former is just another chain on the astrea family line of people who are stuck to knighthood whether they like it or not. but your family is also just another chain because youre nineteen and your mother is still the sword saint and youre playing with fate here because either youre going to be the sword saint or your son will be.
your wife, the only equal you have, falls asleep one day and never wakes up. you are twenty-one years old and a single parent and then you are twenty-three years old and your son's fate is so much bigger than youll ever be. having the worlds love means that your love pales in comparison, doesnt it? everyone knows about your comatose wife because you keep searching so much for a cure that its just another thing to gossip about. every year that passes by she just continues to look the same as she did when she was awake and alive and loved you. (you dont know it yet but your son is going to reach the same age as her, because you dont find a cure for another sixteen years and you know that she wont love you anymore because who does? theres no one left because your son doesnt count.)
and everyone knows about you because of your family. because yeah, youre a good swordsman, but youre not liked by anyone in the knights. youre not a friend and youre certainly not a sword saint or sword demon. your son mind controls someone because he loves you so much that he would do anything for you and looks up to you like youre some hero, but youre just a wreck whos scrambling to keep what little you have. youre twenty-four and you lose your mom because you were too scared to go on the mission you were assigned on, because youre a coward and youre in over your head and you know, because everyone knows, that you dont measure up. you could never be prepared for this. in a long line of people who have to carry the weight of the world, you crumble easily. your mom goes on that mission and dies and your son becomes the sword saint like this was always going to happen. this is what being loved by the world means. you just killed your mom because you just couldnt suck it up and die on that mission instead. on top of that, your dad says that your five-year-old god of a son killed your mom. its just you and your son and the two of you both killed your mom but youre the worlds biggest laughing stock and your son is the up and coming hero and monster. but you still love your son. you really do.
right?
#rezero#heinkel astrea#i have. many feelings on him always. no i do not condone his abuse and i never will. but he is such a fascinating character#and this is not even getting into like. post-reinhard being five years old. cries. there is so much happening my god. the tragedy of it all#i swear theresia and wilhelm act like they dont even like heinkel fr sometimes too i swear aldfjldfjl theres just implications behind that#relationship too. and implications to heinkel and reinhards Everything with what little we've seen of them. like little kid reinhard truste#his dad SO MUCH heinkel was very loving in the beginning. it hurts how badly it turns out later alsdlfj bc you just Know that reinhard is#internalizing this like. my dad used to love me and now he doesnt anymore and its all my fault.#BUT HE STILL DOES LOVE REINHARD DEEP DOWN BC WHY ELSE WOULD HE HAVE SCHULT AS A REPLACEMENT. GOD. GOD.#arc 5 spoilers#i always like. theorize that heinkel used to be someone who tried to follow the rules to the T. try his best. try to be a good perfect#knight. a bit of a people pleaser. WHICH IS LIKE REINHARD RIGHT and it explains why heinkel is so bitter and jaded and angry now. god. i#hate it here. the astreas make me sooo crazy#like heinkel really does seem like a guy whos just trying to be a goody two shoes in like the once upon a time from lugunica ss but he fail#miserably bc hes too Emotional and also going through a lot of stress aljsdlfj
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I know I’m talking to an empty theater here but the writing on that episode of Lark Rise to Candleford where Robert loses his tools (and so the means to feed his family) and is facing destitution and then runs into the young guy who’s in love with his daughter and then uses the moment not to take out all his angst and anger on Fisher but to ask him if he’s ready for all that marriage and staying and giving up his life on the road actually means thus forcing Fisher to admit that he isn’t ready for it—-
!!!!!!!!
#and it’s just so brilliant because we’ve watched Robert suffer so deeply the entire episode#because of how crushing the weight of parental responsibility and poverty can be!!!#and he sees this guy that loves his daughter but has no understanding of the life that that love could and should and will lead him to#if he chooses to stay. this guy who’s just living in the moment and in the feelings of the moment but whose love is not strong enough#to endure the sacrifice that would be required of. well. ordinary married life in a small town!#and Robert uses all his wisdom to force him to admit that he’s not ready for it and doesn’t want it#and then it gets even more brilliant! because after Fisher leaves and Laura is heartbroken and angry#he presents her with the same reality/question but from HER side#her being like ‘how dare you make him not stay’ and Robert being like ‘and did I force you not to go with him?’#‘were YOU ready to give up your whole life and world for him? to make it work? or did you want your life AND him’#it’s the have your cake and eat it too truth in this case. their lives didn’t fit together and their love was real in a way#but not real enough to weld their different lives together without both of them hating each other in the end#idk it’s just BRILLIANT and I love it so much#because it unfolds so truthfully and all of the pieces of the story fold into each other so that it a) hits exactly as hard as it should#and b) reveals the truths of things so clearly and so accurately#Robert is so annoying so much of the time but he was a fatherly icon in this ep#lark rise to candleford
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the fact that there’s not more jjpope fics for s4 is weird like y’all the potential is there for those with eyes to see
#jj running to pope and seeing blood on his hands checking for wounds and asking what’s wrong and if he’s hurt#pope being angry at jj for not only spending most of their money but losing the rest of it in a race#jj knowing he’s wrong but being unable to apologize cause he wants pope to hate him and push him away so he can’t ruin him too#of course there’s also part two coming out that’s gonna give us more potential#pope in jail#jj causing havoc in obx while having a self identity crisis#the pogues in morocco most likely getting in ungodly trouble more deadly scenarios
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so i am singing that vitellia in the end... but at what fucking cost.
'you gotta sing this softer'
'what'
'this is mozart'
'this is vitellia'
'this is mozart'
'im singing about how much i hate this mf and want him dead before the end of the day'
'this is mozart'
'i wanna murder a guy'
'this is mozart'
'...'
'softer. gentle. mozart'
'...ok'
#they're killing me here#i already bargained for ONE (1) note in chest (thank you so so much that i am ALLOWED to sing an A3 in chest voice <333) and now THIS#THIS is why people hate mozart. fuck you.#i recorded that rehearsal and the first version sounds SO MUCH BETTER. after i did what she asked me to do its just. so fucking boring.#i hate it here#i love this duet so much but frfr im not sure i wanna do it if i have to do it on their terms.#also like sorry to be a bitch but you're a pianist girl. just stick to your stuff and let me take care of mine.#just because you're playing this like you're constipated because tHiS iS mOzArT doesnt mean the rest of us dont care either.#its possible i never will get the chance to sing the entire vitellia so i want to do justice. as much as im able. to this one chance i get#it took me A Long While to deal with the fact that i wont be able to bark that 'indegno' and 'regno' like i always envisioned.#but like. ok. whatever. i can still make it Entertaining. THIS however. no. no fucking way.#and its not even about me being a big-headed know-it-all who thinks she's better than everyone because. lol and lmao clearly im Not#but this is about having a fucking SOUL. its about actually taking the libretto into consideration too. its about trying to figure out#WHY mozart wrote it the way he did. like sorry but this is another fiordiligi case where its CLEAR that the amplitudes the crazy jumps#are there FOR A REASON. the reason is HE WANTED A CONTRAST. some fucking EMOTION. he sure as hell didnt want it to be Soft And Gentle.#i know it because i talked to him and he told me im right about everything as always and you can eat shit girl bye#grrrrrrrr im so angry#i knos i sound so arrogant here but please. please i just want to make this music fun and enjoyable. i just dont want it to be boring#please understand my vision im begging you
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are any kano experts out there. do you think he'd apologize to takane for what he did to her in ep 7
#not to start again.#but its so unfair that he takes it out on her#its already unfair that he takes it out on shintaro at all. and then hes just even crueler to takane only by proxy to shintaro??#out of a jealousy too?? bc she's a good person??#and ik its laughed off but i think it shouldn't be (rattling the bars of my enclosure)#kano was so mean. but he's not Bad i think he would be guilty#i think he'd know went too far and is remorseful#but. WOULD he apologize...#because i think he'd want to but he's too awkward to bring it up again#and also i think post str kano has this self destructive attitude and he just drowns in his guilt about everything#including this#so he sorta just ends up hating himself for it like with many other things but doesnt get up to try and talk it out#and takane still being his friend and being kind enough to Laugh it off with him despite it was so not funny also makes him want to explode#and with apology i mean a GOOD apology not kano being like omfg ur still angry?? i said i was sorry lol#and ene being like hmph since im older ill forgive u!!#that the anime gave us#and its silly. i mean a genuine apology.#like what i did to you was horrible i was taking out my frustration on you etc etc#CUZ GOD. IT WAS JUST SO MEAN!!!#kagevinnie#kagenalysis
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I agree that Anakin is, at the very least, a little fucked up... but I do not agree that he feels no remorse. Dude murders an entire village but he can't even say "I slaughtered them like animals!!!!" without sobbing like a baby about it lmao
#just in case anyone worries that im using his quivering lip as justification for the murder of women and children#i should say that:#yes :) :) :) that is exactly what im doing#i am 100% unequivocably saying that crying makes it all A-Okay#anakin never did anything wrong in his entire life#:)#ty for coming to my ted talk#(for real though hate him or love him but please for the love of all that is good and holy#pleeease dont make him boring)#(i like reading fun obiwan fics in which maybe the villains and side characters dont feel like angry author notes being scribbled in)#god this brat is like a solid fourth place on the faves list why do i devote so much time and headspace to him#on a final note: please please please dont make me turn off comments or delete this later#maybe thats too much to hope for but i beg lol#pro anakin#kb post
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