#he is not an angry or violent person. he’s kinda just passive and sad

[the-meme-monarch]

i was telling my sibling about the Would Hannibal Eat Them poll mini essays i was doing and it became “people gotta lay off mr suzuki man. him and yamada are friends. they were acting. why would suzuki even be responsible for yamada’s paycheck when they’re coworkers. suzuki isn’t his boss. and again it was An Act” which devolved into “people Really hate goro when julie was the primary abuser in their relationship” and like man i Hate to be number 1 goro defender but like. like you honor he Did do that. but so did she. and then “bro i fucking hate policeman”

[snortoborto]

Ik this is the only place that anyone will care about my musings about (super culturally relevant in 2024) musical Dear Evan (Hansen).

Idk anyway, it's not really ever been one of my favorites per say, and I know the time has passed, but, I kinda wanna talk about Connor Murphy. (These are all just my takes as someone who likes musicals but doesn't participate in like, musical fandom.)

I think it's very obvious that Evan is supposed to be a pretty relatable character, because of his struggle with mental illness. Feeling anxious and unsure of ourselves, especially in relation to other people, is a feeling we've all experienced, especially a lot of teenagers. That feeling of isolation leading Evan to an attempt, is really raw and resonates with a lot of people. Still, the narrative shows us all of Evan, messy or not. He's young, he's mentally ill, he's human. He makes mistakes that end up hurting people, and we see that all. But I ultimately believe that the narrative eventually portrays him in a very human, forgiving light, by the end. He's a kid who made mistakes. He's well rounded and ultimately sympathetic, while still flawed and uncomfortable. I like that.

I wish Connor got the same grace tbh. All we know about him, the REAL Connor, is that he's a troubled kid, who's perpetually stoned, and nothing more than a bother to his family. He's mentally ill, just like Evan, but where Evan failed an attempt, Connor succeeded. Where I see a difference is in the way their mental illnesses surface, in terms of behavior. Being mentally ill isolates both boys, but in a different way.

Evan closes himself off. He's passive and shy, but has a mom who's constantly trying to be there to encourage him and provide for him. Connor's mental illness surfaces in a different way. He's violent. He's angry. He copes by using drugs. His mental illness is not quiet, does not present passively, and his family rejects him because of that. Even his mom, who wants to love him, only can once Evan presents a version of Conner that wasn't so difficult. Connor is too messy to get the understanding he deserves.

The way that Connor essentially has his voice and expirences taken from him, and softened, sanitized (by Evan) in order to finally gain acceptance from his family and peers is genuinely fucking crushing. The way he couldn't be loved as the person he was, because his coping mechanisms were taboo and his mental illness wasn't docile enough for understanding, kills me fr.

I'm not really sure how much of this is actually planned, thematic commentary, but, just the fact that Connor isn't even THE REAL CONNOR for most of the events of the plot (just Evan's idea of him) feels so fucking sad. Yeah, sure, sad for Evan that this is his only shot at friendship, but mostly sad for Connor that he could never be loved as he was, even by his own family, and only in death, was he sanitized enough to win sympathy and understanding.

He wasn't worthy of love or help when he had loud, violent, ugly mental health episodes. Or when he was using drugs and self medicating on a daily basis, cause all that stuff is uncomfortable. That's the ugly side of mental illness. His family didn't help him, they pushed him away and labeled him as a monster, unworthy of support. The fact that the only thing that softed Connor's family to him was a classmate completely rewriting his life, to make it more palatable is so disheartening.

It makes me wish that the focus was more on Connor and his family, that we got to spend more time with him. Some people are mentally ill in a way that's socially permissible, and some people are simply too sick, so we might as well just treat them like the bad people they were born to be.

Evan does (obviously, it's the whole point of the show) grapple with his actions, caused by mental illness. He finds himself acting immorality and being manipulative, but he's allowed that space to make mistakes. He has to opportunity to learn and begin on his path to forgiveness. Not Connor. He's already too far gone.

His mental illness isn't quiet. It doesn't make him act meek or anxious, like Evan. It makes him violent and angry and I can't help but feel like the narrative is punishing him for that. For having ugly symptoms that hurt people, most of all, himself. I can't help but feel like the way that Evan took full control of Connor's voice in order to make him more manageable is like a condemnation of who Connor was in life. Same with making his family hate him. I feel like I'm being told that this kid was a burnout piece of shit, not worth being remembered for who he was, but Evan's heart is in the right place by trying to whitewash his life, for the comfort of the family that rejected him.

Obviously the point of the show is that what Evan did was wrong, but it's wrong because he lied to his crush and her family, not because he took Connor's voice for his own, when Connor deserved to keep that agency for himself. It's framed as wrong cause he lied to the family, not because he spoke over someone who suffered greatly.

I just feel like the narrative really props Evan up as "one of the good ones" who's just lost his way. I feel like it uncritically frames Connor as a lost cause, scumbag who's family (especially his sister) are right to feel the way they do about him. Its almost framed as like, a fool's errand that Evan wants to clean up Connor's image, post death, and the narrative confirms this by never really giving the real Connor any humanizing moments. He doesn't have the right kind of mental illness to be sympathetic to an audience.

At the core of Evan's wrongdoing is deceiving Connor's family and the public for personal gain. It's the feelings of Connor's family (who hated him) that are the ultimate concern. Connor, himself, hardly even matters. I'm not sure if that's intentional or not, but it still feels...dismissive and malicious towards anyone who has a more stigmatized form, or outward expression, of mental illness. It feels like saying: "here are the traits of mental illness that you're allowed to have and can heal from," whatever Evan has going on, "but these ones (violence, anger, substance abuse) make you a lost cause and justify your family and peers hating you."

There's so much there with Conner as a character. So much wasted potential. Idk, I just always imagine the narrative from his side whenever I re-listen to the soundtrack. Cause I'm not an Evan, in terms of how mental illness has affected my life and relationships. I'm a Connor.

[eluxcastar]

Ky as a yandere.

FEATURES: ky luc

CW: obvious yandere, use of the term pet

WC: 500

NOTES: angry housecat

⊹ ִֶָ𓂅 I actually imagine him being kind of violent, even if I don’t think he’d view his feelings as ‘love’. He’d keep you by his side as his pet. All you have to do is look cute, be seen and not heard.

⊹ ִֶָ𓂅 You better act like you enjoy his ‘affections’, he is the Ky Luc, you should be grateful he’s paying attention to you of all Humans

⊹ ִֶָ𓂅 Even though he’s actually pretty abusive he can still be cute, unfortunately. He wants affection back, proper affection, not the kind you get ( : ౦ ‸ ౦ : )

⊹ ִֶָ𓂅 If he doesn’t get it, he’s gonna turn his nose up at you and sit in a corner sulking or something until you go pet him or cuddle him or something

⊹ ִֶָ𓂅 He’s probably not actually that sad he just wants you to feel bad ewfidft

⊹ ִֶָ𓂅 His answer to people bothering you? Violence. His answer to people he feels are taking their attention off him? Violence.

⊹ ִֶָ𓂅 Ky probably wouldn’t make you live with him, that would be too much work taking care of you, but that’s not gonna stop him from controlling your life and letting himself into your house whenever he feels like it (・・;)ゞ

⊹ ִֶָ𓂅 He probably acts really annoying and goes through all the stuff you have out like he’s looking at it but is secretly trying to see if someone else has been there

⊹ ִֶָ𓂅 He’s gonna know if you lie don’t even bother (ノ*°▽°*)

⊹ ִֶָ𓂅 If he figures out who it belongs to just consider that person gone from your life, just hope it’s not a particularly violent goodbye ( : ౦ ‸ ౦ : )

⊹ ִֶָ𓂅 His idea of ‘loving’ you is mostly just always being in your life whether physically or through his ever-changing rules, once he decides you’re going to be his ‘lover’ (no you do not get a say, his justification is that he is the Ky Luc, of course you want to be his lover (￢_￢) ) he basically controls your life and he’s not gonna let you out of any of it because he likes to have power over you

⊹ ִֶָ𓂅 Good luck getting anything past him, he’s probably watching when he has free time because he finds you entertaining

⊹ ִֶָ𓂅 He’s not gonna make his presence known and come help you unless someone does something he doesn’t like, or if someone is harassing you. Forget his coming to your rescue if someone is rude to you though (ó﹏ò。)

⊹ ִֶָ𓂅 His idea of love is really twisted, it’s kinda sad but it’s not earning him any sympathy points. It’s not as if he’d yell at you or hit you but he’d probably nonchalantly suggest you let him deal with a problem you have and only address the fact that solution almost certainly involved murder if you find out and get mad

⊹ ִֶָ𓂅 Other than that when you behave and he’s having a good day, he’d be pretty passive and just kinda exist, though he’s not gonna stop invading your personal space or overstepping every possible boundary you have (￣︿￣)

[spaceygoobert]

Penny for some thoughts about the clusterfuck that is Solar Opposites s2 (Contains spoilers)

Now that I am no longer drunk out of my mind and watched s2 four more times just to be sure I didn’t miss anything while I was crossfaded. it’s time to talk about it

Ep1 was great. It had more lore for shlorpians with a different perspective and i find it interesting that Korvo didn’t even know there were rich shlorpians. They also lived on floating platforms in the sky, like rich people lived in the clouds and working shlorpians lived on the ground, literally separating the two types of classes

The rich shlorpians said they wanted the pupa so they could get back to being rich, which means they don’t know that they will die, either way, they been jebaited

Did not expect shlorpians to be religious... kinda. but i’m not complaining.

The jokes hit hard and everything was kinda fast. The funniest thing about the season was a wacky plots 

I like how different Terry and Korvo are when dealing with negative emotions 

Terry becomes passive aggressive when dealing with negative emotions. specifically with anger. 

When Korvo basically changes everything about Terry in the Lake House episode, the only thing he doesn’t change is how Terry deals with negative emotions. Imagine not being understood and then becoming a goth because no one understands you, not even your partner, who is essentially the same person as you now. And it’s great.

I love violent goth Terry.

kinda shows how repressed he is to the point of “breaking”

Korvo becomes petty when dealing with negatives emotions too, but instead of anger, it’s sadness or when he’s hurt emotionally

S2ep2 reminds me of s1ep3, they both have something to do with parties and Korvo not being included and because he’s petty af he makes a complicated plan. the plot for the episode was just as mind-fucking as s1.

When Korvo’s sad/hurt, instead of talking about it, he makes a whole ass bill to ban Terry from having to hang out with his human friends because he spends too much time with them and not enough time with him. It isn’t until the shit hits the fan that he finally fesses up, which I find to be perfect. AND it ends with a uwu kiss. 

I find it odd and genius that Terry isn’t how you expect him to be. He looks like he wears his heart on his sleeves, yet he’s the one who shows less emotion than Korvo. Plus he doesn’t know how to express bad emotions and does the whole pretending that everything is fine thing

Could be due to being a laid-back person. By being laid-back, it means not worrying or at least showing it (which btw, if you express emotions, it means you care) 

Maybe someone hurt him enough for him to be passive aggressive OR it could be Shlorp, who the fuck knows

it begs the question, if he represses the bad feelings, what else does he repress?

Korvo LOOKS like he wouldn’t be the type to express emotions, yet he’s the one who is able to show sadness and anger— or a better way to explain, he doesn’t hold back on his emotions. He’s more open of the two adult aliens

AND THEY COME FROM THE SAME PLACE.

When Korvo insults Terry, he gets angry

When Terry insults Korvo, he gets sad and cries.

Korvo and Terry do things to cancel each other out. It’s cute.

Like when Korvo bans dinner parties and Terry still goes to them using sci-fi stuff to do it.

or when korvo goes to live with the other aliens and Terry trashes the house to get rid of his presence. Then mentions that Korvo’s dead

They bond over making fun of humans.

I’d expect this from Korvo, but Terry also makes fun of them too, despite wanting to be liked by them. Dunno, maybe Korvo rubbed off on him.

Korvo and Terry strive to get people to like them.

Korvo with the new aliens

Terry with humans

The way they do it is different. Terry acts like himself with humans, Korvo tries to act like himself but he lies to fit in

The wall, my god, the wall was amazing. The episode that focuses on the wall doesn’t take place inside the wall.

I never thought i’d feel for The Duke, though i expected he and Cherie would have some kind of relationship going on

The music, my god so good

Also the trope with the hero who unknowingly saves the villain.

Forest City, (Wood City?) I don’t remember what they called it

The plot for that was so ridiculous; they lose their car in the forest so they use a device to build a city so they could rent a car to find their car, but they end up getting lost in the city.

The fact that Terry took somewhat studied “pathfinding to prepare for life on dangerous aliens world”

I died when Korvo said he wanted to be a gangster, then he never actually becomes one and keeps getting chased by wolves. In the end, he was just a guy in a business suit

Jesse becomes a bad bitch like I knew she would

I can’t believe all four of the characters lost sight of their goal within a few days probably.

Also yumyulack jr

and the ref to wolf of wall street. Wait, is that why wolves were chasing Korvo because he was attempting to be a gangster? WHAT IS THE RELATION, besides being in a fucking forest?

Prostitute Terry and his tiddies

Korvo and Terry actually like being in each other's company

Red Goobler

My eyes were burned out of my skull, you know what i’m talkin about, the “sleeping through the alarm” scene, which got me second guessing myself that maybe it might be an alarm but it turns out they’re fucking. and there’s a wet condom on the ceiling.

the possibility of Korvo being pregnant? For s3? Impossible but still, it would be funny, then it turns out he’s not pregnant, it’s another red goobler, but he can’t tell if it’s from stress or the fucking

Terry is trying his best

I hope they don’t make terry into an idiot. Like in s1, he was dumb but not an idiot.

also terry admitting he’s too insecure to form his own opinions and Korvo liking the fact that he doesn’t have a firm belief

I am happy for that basic rat chick

Also if Korvo’s a bottom, and assuming Terry is one too, they don’t fuck because they’re both busy being bottoms?

After one night of implied sex, Korvo wanted to marry the red goobler. was the implied sex that good?

The apple pencil pro was just weird

Now that the solar opposites are dead, but not really, what now?

Can we talk about how they all went to fulfill each other’s goals more than their own. It’s sweet.

Lets not talk about Terry wanting to eat out Ms. Frankie, but Korvo does it instead, and he keeps going at it

Korvo likes eating out confirmed?

There was a lot of sexual stuff in this show. I dig it.

Also Terry being the first to die in the last episode, I dunno if I could see him killing his family. I mean I know he would but everyone else had some kind of contraption, except Korvo, who used magic instead, which is funny because he’s the most scientific one there, unless he uses science in it then it would make sense.

Mini Korvos look cute but I know they’re all little shits

i kinda wanna know more about Yumyulack’s past as a bounty hunter, like what did they do as a curriculum, was there even a course on bounty hunting? did Yumyulack only say that to sound cool? who knows! I hope s3 has Korvo and Jesse plots because I see them to be the most alike.

Dunno why, but all the solar’s head exploding was aesthetically pleasing and when they all get rebirthed again with their heads popping out of the tree, reminds me of the tree from pocahontas

This season had a bunch of sci-fi stuff and I love it. I hope there’s more sci-fi stuff in the future.

Also Korvo and Terry are both fucking idiots and I live for it.

[compassionatereminders]

(just kinda a vent) ugh. kat. one of my managers at work is just so uncomfortable to be around. he only started in the position a few months ago, and on top of being generally disliked by everyone (he's not good at problem solving and is pretty incompetent in the role), he also consistently tries to treat me specifically like a friend rather than like an associate that is under him. it's really annoying; he crosses boundaries all the time, and i'm constantly misinterpreting things he's saying as criticisms or directions when he's just trying to chat. he's very passive aggressive when he *is* trying to give directions, so i can never tell what i'm supposed to understand by what he's saying to me. it's emotionally exhausting, and i have a personality disorder that causes violent impulses, so on top of the emotional labor of trying to understand this guy, i also have to deal with being exhausted by violent thoughts/mental images as well as fighting to keep my cool. it makes work suck. i'm so tired of being angry all the time. i want to switch shifts so i don't have to see him anymore, but i have so many good friends at work on the shift i currently work. it would be sad and lonely to leave them, and working a different schedule would mean losing contact and opportunities to hang out outside of the workplace too. i have no friends outside of work, and i'm very extroverted, so not getting to socialize really messes me up. i tend to enter depressive spells when i feel too lonely for too long. i just don't know what to do.

That sounds like a super shitty situation and I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this! But you mention that he's both bad at his job and acting inappropriately towards you, so discussing that with whoever is in charge of him might be worth a try? If the issue is him not doing his job right and not just you disliking him, you might not turn out to be the one who'll have to leave if you play your cards right. Best of luck with it! I really hope you find a solution soon.

[sleepdeprivedheretic]

Kill Me Hardly (Ch. 1)

Summary: You weren’t dead, but you weren’t fully alive. After a whole year of solitude, seeing your family mourn for your comatose state, and seeing the disembodied figures of other but silent spirits, you were hoping that your suffering would end. What’s this? Somebody could finally see you? Oh, he’s looming over a battered officer, bloodied wallet held tightly within his hand, staring straight at you with malice.  

 Thank You, once again, @youtubequeens, or Rita, for brainstorming the plot with me on this fic~! She helped me with the plot, ideas, and thirst for angst and fluff, yet the written gore and grim stuff is on me, folks, my friend is innocent, and her blog doesn’t have any violent nor terrible things like the stuff that’s in the fic.  

This fic has a lot of angst and it just fills our need for suffering. Heed the warnings, please. Reader’s a lil’ shit to the only one who can see her, and Tai’s a tsundere villain who kinda (a lot) wants to kill her, but doesn’t know where she is. Mainly angst and horror.

Warnings not in order and can be triggering: Angst! Villain! Fatgum (he does not so nice things in this one, sorry folks), too much cussing, mentions of murder, attempted murder, murder, seeing dead people, descriptions of gore, dark thoughts, loneliness, accepting the thoughts of death (reader’s a ghost), hopelessness, and a lot of things that is possibly triggering to some audiences. If you want straight up fluff, I have other fics, Thank You.

………..

  It’s always been the same since last year. You would float near your body, waving your hand in front of the thin, grisly, sad excuse of a human being that your soul had once fully inhabited. Now you were literally a ghost of your old self, your heart tearing into pieces at the sight of stricken faces of grief from those who had visited you. You could speak to them, but they could never hear, nor see you.

  At first, crying would be an understatement. You clutched your chest, sobbing with heart that felt shattered as your form wracked with grief. You repeated the same words in a mantra as your mother looked upon your body with her own expression of pain and loss, clutching your father’s hands as he mimicked the atmosphere. Your brother was nowhere to be found, you clenched your teeth, feeling very angry as the heartbeat on the monitor remained the same, slow beat.

In limbo. Not fully dead, but not fully alive, either, it was your state of existing. At first, you were terrified of the others, seeing broken, bloody bones peek from underneath torn skin, white, ashen eyes stared into nothing as they drolled along the hallways of the hospital, forever in a time that they only knew existed as they paid nobody nor anything else any mind as the ones who couldn’t see them, walked through them. Every time one would loll past you, you hid, not daring to let one of those things touch your own ghostly appearance.

 Your body was slowly but surely healing, the wound that had been violently afflicted from your neck to your clavicle, was bandaged up neatly, healing at it’s own pace, while you had to endure the nasty, raw and bloodied version on your ghostly appearance. It didn’t hurt physically like you thought it would, but it was a constant reminder of betrayal, mixed with shock and disbelief.

Day by day, you’ve gotten more acquainted with the raw, hurtful loneliness. Nobody could see you, other ghosts couldn’t talk to you, and you had to bear witness to not only the grief of your family slowly losing hope, but as well other families watching their loved ones on death beds. It was sickening, sad, and you wished that you were finally dead. It didn’t matter, whether it be heaven or hell, you wanted everything to stop.

You could travel outside, you discovered. There was no limit from how much your soul could travel without your body, you tried. Although you didn’t mind the distance, you didn’t want to be too far gone from your main hot spot. Of course, nobody else from the outside could see you, either. Animals could sense you, you thought with a final thought of relief as you decided to make your way to the zoo. They could not see you, but they knew that you were there, and unfortunately, it caused them to be in a state of unrest at the supernatural entity that in which was you, lingered.

……..

A year has passed. Your parent’s and other family member’s visits had dwindled down to a dead stop, as the police kept looking for your ever elusive traitor of a brother. It took a while for you to get use to the nightmares. Even as a spirit, you could still sleep, apparently. You didn’t like to, though.

Images kept flashing through your head of the knife glinting in the moonlight, the cold, passive stare of your blood-relative as he raised the weapon of choice down onto your throat. You let out a scream, jolting awake, shaking with tears dripping down, you hiccuped, wanting to vomit as you felt cold and empty, frantically gripping your throat as you laid next to your body. You wanted to grasp it’s throat, and squeeze, you couldn’t help but think as your hand faded through the pulse point of it’s neck.        

 It never gotten better. There was no hero for you to call, and you were seemingly forever at a stalemate in between the fate of life and death. It wasn’t fair, you thought bitterly as you could almost feel the insanity crawling inside your thoughts like crickets.

 It was a beautiful October night, with the full moon looming overhead, illuminating the darkened alley ways of the concrete jungle. You usually stayed by your body, at night, not really interested in the nightly crimes that you just so happened across, regularly. You always felt exhausted and terrified because you couldn’t do anything. The violent actions and behaviors triggered your own memories, you shivered in disgust.

Tonight, it was different. You had an odd feeling. A gurgled groan echoed from one of the alleys, snapping your attention to the sound. It never helped when you investigated, not being able to alert the police, who also couldn’t notice you, and you would usually stare with helplessness as the scenes unfurled.

“I’ll teach ya, ya greedy fuckin’ bastard!” An angry huff followed suit minutes after, and you felt your curiosity peak as you floated on towards the darkened area. Was it a gangster this time? The gruff voice had an unusual American twang to the normal Japanese accent, and despite your better judgment, you felt oddly comforted by it. Maybe you were losing your sanity, after all, you thought with mirth.  

Your eyes widened with surprise as you finally neared the situation. It wasn’t surprising that the man was holding a bloody wallet to his hand, sneering down at the unconscious police officer, no. It was the man himself who surprised you. Dark orange hoodie, black mask, darkened jeans, and black leather gloves covered the giant of the bara-like villain of the man. Fatgum, the large, yet elusively most-wanted villain in Osaka.

Although the murderous gang he was acquainted with had disappeared, he was more of a notorious violent thief who preyed upon well-known targets, now. He couldn’t see you, you thought, but it still sent chills down your spine at the thought that he was a ruthless, violent murderer.  

Yet, you were a ghost. Time seemed to stop as  his attention in what seemed to be a millisecond, snapped towards you, and the two of your eyes widened with surprise. It couldn’t be, could it? After a whole year of nothing glancing your way, finally, you felt the intense stare of a person noticing you. You didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, because yes, somebody finally noticed you and could see you, but it was a notorious villain with a violent streak.

If there was a god or spiritual deity who ruled over humans, they appeared to feed on your suffering.

“What’s this? The fuck ya doin’ outta the hospital, lil’ woman? The fuck’s up with yer wound, eh? And why the fuck are ya out in dark alleys, creepin’ up on criminals?” His eyes glinted within the moonlight, bright orange staring you down with a look mixed with disbelief, amazement, and pure confusion as he took in your gown clad form and bloody scar.

“You can see me?” Blurted out of your mouth, and his expression stilled, before letting out a sleazy grin followed by a bellow of laughter.  

“A lil’ too early to dress up for Halloween, ain’t it, Sugar? Heh, fuck. I really didn’t want any witnesses.”

He stepped towards you, and you instinctively stepped back as he closed the distance between the two of you. He couldn’t hurt you, you knew better, but it was the way how he was doing it. Images of your brother flashed through your mind, the cold, slinking feel of the knife jutting into your skin had made your eyes squeeze shut.

“Now, now, Princess,” He cooed mockingly as he stood directly in front of you, letting you take your time to really look at him. He was a few inches away from your face, leaning down to make sure that he was eye-level with you as he offered a false smile.

“How ‘bout you go back to whatever party that yer from, an’ pretend that this is all a lil’ nightmare in the mornin’, hm? Don’t wanna live a real one, don’tcha?” He grinned.

A nightmare? This was a nightmare! Yet, however, a thought clicked in your mind. It was a quick, fleeting thought, but it struck a cord within you.

“It’s a shame that the only one who can see me, is a villain.” You huffed, and his eye twitched.

“Pardon? I’m basically givin’ you an out, an’ yer gonna continue with yer dumb costume charade? Ya ingrate!” He growled out, slamming one of his hands against the brick wall next to your head. You couldn’t help but flinch, but you felt momentarily reckless and stupid, and really wanted to finally talk to somebody.

“I’ve been living my own nightmare for a year, Fat-chan. If you could find a way to send me away, please do. Until then,” You felt an uncharacteristic grin take over your features as you boldly reached up, letting your hand fade through his face. His eyes widened comically in sheer disbelief, a look that trumped his earlier look of shock, and you felt triumphant. “I’m going to haunt you.”

“The fuck you are! Who are ya! How!? I am gonna kill ya, again, ya demonic gremlin!” He growled out, punching the wall that was behind you, and you looked at his arm fazing through your abdomen. Good choices weren’t really in your state category of mind, right now, but you honestly couldn’t care, less.

“I’m a ghost, not a gremlin. I need to find my brother, and I think you know who and where.”

“I’m not helpin’ the ghost of Christmas Ass, less an actual fuckin’ ghost! What the fuck?” He was panicking, staring straight down at you with a disbelieving frown marring his features, chest rising and falling quickly as he further took your form in. You frowned, before thinking.

Sure you’d thought he’d panic, but not like this.

“Calm down. I was panicking at first when I found out that my own body was lying beside me. If I can handle it, surely you can, Mr. Villain Murderer.” You shrugged as you gave him that name. He stared at you and your wound, letting your words sink in as he didn’t budge.

“I’m talkin’ to a fuckin’ ghost.”

“Rather loudly, too. Hope your friend doesn’t wake up.” You admitted, pointing to the stirring cop.

“Shit!” He let out, and bolted. You followed him effortlessly, cutting through walls as you floated behind his racing form.

“Stop fuckin’ following me!” He hissed, panting as he leered at you from the side of a dumpster.

“I told you, I’m going to haunt you.” You pointed out.

“Annoyin’ as shit. The fuck’s up with ya? Follow somebody else!” He whispered.

“You’re the only one who can see me, though. So, no. I’m going to do whatever I want to do, anyway, so all you’re doing right now, is wasting time beside smelly garbage.” You quipped, earning you an ugly, seething scowl.

        “This isn’t happening.” He muttered underneath his breath, staring at you with the same wide-eyed shock mixed in with a common annoyance.

“You’ll get use to it. Think of it as penance for your crimes, or something. I’m feeling elated that I finally get to talk to somebody.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” He threw up his hands, trying to ignore you as you basically followed his grumbling, muttering form. You didn’t need to say anything, feeling your own shock and surprise that you did that. To a known villain, who couldn’t lay a finger on you.

Your thoughts lingered on the possibility of him killing you. Nobody truly wanted to die, but you felt that he’d be doing you a service. It was a gruesome thought, but you were already sort of dead, anyway.

“Twenty percent chance of waking up.” The doctor’s words echoed within your head as you looked back on the memory. The grief inflicted on their faces, haunted you more than any efforts that you could make. You had plenty of time to think, after all. A year in thoughts, nightmares, and ideas filtered through you as you realized things that you’ve once missed.

Your brother’s cold exterior worsening as you made it towards college, you paying little to no attention to his behavior as your grades skyrocketed, and your parents began to obviously favor you more. It wasn’t your fault that he acquainted himself with the wrong crowds of people. The known drug addicts, street fights, and illegal dealings had made himself an outcast from your family.

You half minded the tree of the man who you had decided to pin yourself to. Maybe being alone wasn’t the best choice, but it was the smartest choice. If you did wake up after surviving such a feat, this villain could easily take your life away from you. Yet. You were hungry to just talk to somebody, feel their stare as they listened to you, and actually talking back. A starved dog was a desperate dog, you thought with ill humor. He could entertain you for a while, until fate had gripped it’s claws back into you.

“This is the place. Listen here, ya lil’ wench, I’m not hostin’ Casper an’ all of yer other friends, Capiche?” He seemed to calm down as he all but accepted his fate as he stopped in front of a seemingly nice apartment complex. You were surprised that it wasn’t worn down, but it made sense, since that he was a thief.

“Fine by me. I’ll sleep on the couch.” You said, and he gave you a look.

“Ghosts can fuckin’ sleep?”

“Surprised me, too.”

“What the fuck. Ya better not do other shit, such as be inside of my body, ye fuckin’ parasite.” He growled, and you let out a grin.

“Not without your consent, first.” Slipped out of your mouth without hesitation.

At this, he choked on his own spit with surprise, giving you an incredulous look.

“Who the fuck are you?”

“A gho-

“Don’t be a smart-ass. Shit, the only company I have had in over a decade, an’ it’s a fuckin’ dead person.” He growled, unlocking the door, slipping inside before slamming it closed on your surprised face. His outburst didn’t matter to you, but the fact that he let an important part of himself slip so easily, did. You couldn’t help the thoughts swirl into your head.

Was he lonely as you were?

You entered without knocking, noticing that the place was rather neat, yet it smelled awful. Like cigarettes. He sat down at the kitchen table, huffing the white stick as the embers glowed a bright red, glaring up at you, as if challenging you to say something. You floated to the seat in front of him, focusing on your spiritual energy to seat yourself.

“You’re lonely.”

He blew the smoke in your face. Although you had no lungs to cough, you wafted the nasty smell away from you.

“Yer a busy-body stalker who should mind her own fuckin’ business.”

“I have no other business to mind, really. I’m just waiting for fate, I guess.” You shrugged. He eyed you, taking you in silence as you could see the wheels basically turning in his head.

“So, if I help ya pass into the light, or whatever, you’ll forever leave me the fuck alone?” The question caught you off guard as you stared at him. That’s right, he didn’t know that you weren’t fully dead.

“I’m in limbo.”

“Limbo?”

“In between life and death. I have to wake up, or die.” You finished. He set his cigarette down, eyeing you with a blank look as he finally took time to take your wound in.

“Somebody did that to ya, huh? Yer in comatose.”

He was keen, you admitted. You decided that you liked that of your “host”.

“You’re correct.”

“Ya...mentioned a brother, earlier?”

“Correct.”

You jumped as he then slammed his fist harshly against the table, the violent action harshly contradicting his curious behavior. Wide-eyed, you stared at him as a dangerous, churning glint lit up his eyes as he grit his teeth in a snarl. It was unlike his previous expressions, and it worried you.

“Look, I might not like ya, an’ I’m toyin’ with the chance of killin’ ya myself, but...fuck! That’s dirty an’ shitty. Yer own family comin’ at ya like that? Bastard couldn’t do the job properly?” He hissed out, and you felt a bit of tears well in your eyes. Quickly, you wiped them away as he continued to be in his own little spell of pure anger. It was the first time that somebody was angry for you after the incident, you thought. After everything, all you could see was your parent’s grief and sadness, the pitying looks from strangers as your face appeared on the news. Then it dwindled to a winter-like still. Life moved on without you.

“Tch. It’s not my business, though. I gotta long lists of hits, this week, an’ I don’t need a sad ass ghost story to chase after.” He huffed in irony, yet it was as if you could see through him. He was hurting, too, but not from your pain. Something like your story had rubbed him the wrong way, and it was as if the information had dawned on you.

“Then this sad little ghost story will follow you. I have a feeling that in both of our cases, misery likes company.” You admitted, and his eyes turned towards you with realization that you were still there.

“Yer smarter than I thought. I can probably have use of you, yet. Tell ya what, you help me, an’ I’ll help you. Ya want’im murdered?” He asked, hinting at your brother. The way he was pinning you down with a look, gave away something that he wasn’t saying, yet you had a feeling that he was daring you to tell him yes.

“No.” You opted instead, and to your surprise, he blinked at you, trying to hide a look of oddly placed relief. So he was laying a trap for you, and you deflected it.  

“I want him found, and dealt with the authorities. I...he’s still my brother. It’s shitty what he did, I know, and it’s tough to acknowledge the obvious truth, but...I want him to get help. See what he’s done, regret it. Move on.” Your words spilled out as Fatgum’s attention was pinned onto your mournful expression.

“Ya’re weak. Too fuckin’ forgiving. He’s not gonna get help, he’s gonna resent those around ‘im, an’ stay a childish brat.” He spat out, and your eyes widened.

“How do you know?” You all but snapped, and he grinned, but there was no light nor humor to it.

“’Cause I’ve seen and dealt with the same fuckin’ thing for years. I’m one of ‘em.” He admitted it so casually, yet there was an edge to it at the last part of the sentence, something that you couldn’t exactly place.

“I don’t think it’s never too late. I wonder if he regrets it. If he’s grieving.” You let out softly, hands on your cheeks as your thoughts focused solely on your brother. Fatgum’s huff made you snap your attention back towards him.

“I’m going to bed. Can’t believe I’m talkin’ to a fuckin’ ghost as if it’s a frickin’ therapy session.” He changed the subject.

“I mean, you and I both could probably use a few classes.” A grin found it’s way to your face, and he rolled his eyes.

“Go to sleep. See ya in the mornin’, I guess.” He stood up, squishing the cigarette deep in the ashtray as he scowled.

“Night, Fat-chan.” You hummed, and he looked at you.

“No sense in that shit. Ya can call me Taishiro. Don’t make a fucki-”

“Night, Tai-chan!” You beamed.

“-ng nickname- oh what the hell ever. Night-”

You gave him your first name, interrupting him, once again.

“-shitty ghost. Ugh.” He opted instead, walking into the direction of his bedroom. You didn’t follow him. Instead, you respected his privacy, just this once as you floated onto the clean couch. This was happening, the thoughts had whirled inside your head as you still felt a little in shock. It was as if it was a fever dream in which you couldn’t escape, and instead, you dragged somebody else with you.

Granted he was a villain with a bad choice of habits and words, yet, you couldn’t really fully hate him. He intrigued you, you thought. Rough around the edges, yet oddly merciful and open to a complete stranger. Well, it wasn’t as if you could tell anybody, and if you did, what was he going to do about it? He didn’t know your body’s location. He knew this, and decided to perhaps play along to your little game, you thought.

It didn’t matter. You were going to get to the bottom of this, and hopefully, just maybe, fate can finally make a decision on your fading life.

………

Notes: This will be more than one chapter, I’ll add more when I can!  

[blacksurvivalnostalgichanges]

I'd love to double on that topic and ask how would some specific characters react to their in-country changes, as peaceful Hart seeing how recent conflicts with minorities escalated to an unhealthy rate or Sissela discovering the whole deal with Greta Tumberg, or Chiara/Adriana/Arda reacting to the arson in Notre Dame etc.

Imma be honest, I’m white, young and not from any of those countries so I cannot say I’m equipped to talk about them beyond the stuff I’ve seen shared on tumblr, aka “this whatsapp chain told me this helps with coronavirus” except the chain came from a doctor you don’t know (but i’m still hard left, nonbinary and aromantic, and i think communism is the better option overall for systems so if you’re curious on what I believe on most political subjects you can probably guess from that)

That said (for the sake of clarifying I don’t pretend to be an authority on it and I realize I’m only well-informed in comparison to someone that has never read any news), again, I’m white so I’m gonna give my two cents on it anyway cuz that’s what we do amirite

I hold that if Hart saw how bad shit got she’d really want it to stay peaceful but once she realized it ain’t happening she’d probably be willing to let go of the peace in order to keep peace. I don’t think she’s the type to tone police people when they’re reacting to hardship because wanting to keep the peace proactively involves making sure whoever is trying to break the peace is stopped because I’d rather think Hart’s view on life is three-dimensional and adaptable; that’s much more interesting to analyze then. So I think she’d likely try to passively help in any way she can (monetarily I don’t think she’d be able to do that much but she might, id est, try to host a place where people protesting can go to treat themselves, and probably try to make music that informs people on the situation and brings attention to the cause. She’d likely still kinda quietly not be into the more violent protests but not say much since she can understand why it’s happening, as being uncomfortable with what you have to do doesn’t mean you’re gonna be against it.

I’m not that sure on what aspect of the Greta Thunberg deal you’re referring to? I think Sissela would probably feel kinda disappointed that someone that’s this young is speaking up about it, since it’s a sort of ‘sign’ that shit’s gone sideways if a kid is literally pleading with adults to do something, and feel a sort of anger that a bunch of people criticize her every move when she’s trying to do something good. But tbh I don’t see Sissela as being the type to be really into learning the issues of the world and trying to fix them, closer to having a “I have too many things to deal with to be even more stressed about what’s currently happening in the world” sort of mindset where learning about the other issue going on just leads to a profound sigh, so I don’t think she’d know that much about it. 

Though I think she’d be pretty angry at the straws thing since she is the type of person that’d want to use a straw, as she has chronic pain. That’s an extremely direct thing that’d inconvenience her.

Chiara would be extremely sad that such a special cathedral was burned, even if her feelings towards God and religion and herself are very mixed I think she’d be affected by something like that. Arda would probably be pretty fuckin’ angry that they burned down a historical place and try to erase the traces that were left there.

Adriana would probably feel pretty jealous of whoever did it since WOW YOU MADMAN YOU SET FIRE TO THE NOTRE DAME CATHEDRAL IT’S HUGE HOW WARM WOULD THAT BE- so they’d both probably not be that happy with her outlook on it

Some sidenotes I thought could be interesting (though it’s all as-is character stuff, I’m not taking into account character development they could have):

-As Alex is gay, I think he wouldn’t be thrilled with the fact that Russia’s been trying to take away LGBT rights

-Isol and Rozzi would probably think “hooray now getting weapons is EASIER congrats dickhead” if they saw that guns got legalized in Brazil after Pants Pockets Guy got elected into office. Rozzi would probably not be that worried beyond international public opinion stuff since her job means she isn’t in here that often most likely, but Isol’d likely be sort of “resigned” to the fact that now things just got even worse.

-Magnus would most likely be one of those dudes that go ‘blue lives matter’, not gonna lie. Even if he’s in a motorcycle gang, I’d be surprised if he didn’t spout that sort of thing.

-Rio and Yuki would probably have a sort of “culture shock” with everyone else even without taking current events into account, but I would kill to see how they’d interact with the characters from other countries when wearing masks came up. 

“people are so fucking ridiculous, there’s literally a story of a lady that wasn’t wearing a mask and used her underwear as a mask out of spite” “...people are that unwilling to wear masks over there?” “i hadn’t seen a single mask in my life before corona showed up, if that answers your question” “what do you do when you get sick then??” “you deal with it yourself and hope not hugging anyone is enough to not pass it” “dude” “oh yeah and you drink tea” “you drink tea.”

-william yeets the tear gas canisters back at the cops with no hesitation. entirely because that sounds very funny

[elizabethrobertajones]

I feel a little awkward about people proclaiming Dean slamming Cas into a wall romantic, no matter the provocation or the fact that Cas is an angel. Violence is NOT romantic. Dean packing an angel blade because he's angry is horrifying. Cas letting Dean do this to him because he "deserves" punishment? My god, does noone understand what this sound like? This is shit Dean needs to work on, like the anger issues and verbal abuse issues, not something to be romanticised.

Yeah, it’s not great, but I feel like the show actually thinking about how violent it is last of anything it ever might address, so what can you do except write a disclaimer every time you end up discussing it that you don’t approve, and if you’re discussing it (or, especially the crypt scenes which had a ton more problematic tropes if you take away the mind control and magic) that you’re looking at basically everything but the violence as a point of interest and it’s an unfortunate way it meant the show put such and such a line in or whatever >.> 

I think a lot of the excitement is the tension and physical closeness (which helps that we know the actors are doing it and that there’s no real threat there and a lot of people would be perfectly happy just that Jensen and Misha did a wall slamming scene and that’s what they enjoy when they reblog gifs of it)… I don’t think there’s anything romantic about what Dean did - it’s not even like the crypt scenes which use a power of love made them stop thing which is really problematic when you take away that only because it’s fictional and they were ACTUALLY mind controlled and not responsible for their actions that that’s even half not the worst thing ever to do… It’s just Dean went to go fight Cas because he was pissed off and technically they do fight a lot of things that are causing harm and Cas going rogue to them is still a possibility they might not like to think about but 6x20 still probably haunts Dean of what exactly sort of cosmic force of nature is he giving mixtapes too anyway and how very very bad is it that it ends up being the antagonist like, almost every other year of their lives even while also being their BFF, which just makes things confusing. 

Dean starts referring to Cas’s feathery ass again which is something he does when pissed at him - Cas is all human and cute when he’s harmless and Dean’s worried or affectionate. But when Dean is pissed off Cas suddenly is an angel again in his language, and at times especially earlier on he used the same language about Cas he would use interchangeably about someone like, say, Uriel, who he hated and picked on all the things like “junkless” and so on… Dean getting like that is him remembering that Cas is not human, and could be as unpredictable and dangerous and taking inhuman approaches to things, that it’s not safe to think of him as a nerdy little guy, but to remember what they’re really dealing with, and as hunters, that means something that is potentially dangerous enough to hunt, and also it’s personally how he’s hurt Dean… 

For what it’s worth I think Dean was making a pretty horrifying display packing the angel blade, but when it came down to it, no matter how betrayed he feels he wouldn’t use it on Cas - he didn’t want to kill him in 6x20 or after - when Sam stabs Cas in 6x22 Dean actually mouths “No!” even though all logic would say Sam did the right thing there.

But I would bet though that people are kind of using a difference between “romantic” and “romanticising” like they don’t think there’s any romantic gesture or point to it like this is a way Dean shows he loves Cas (even with his anger born of worry born of love issues which is a whole other thing I was talking about earlier today at great length so I won’t go into it) but they are enjoying the shoving around - again, because it’s a lot more fun and safe when it’s actors doing it and when you take it out of context it might be fun wall slamming…

although side note about fanfic etc, I utterly can’t stand Cas in “fun” wall slamming situations etc where he’s the slam-ee, precisely because he makes that face like he thinks he deserves it and is just going to take whatever happens to him when it happens in canon and that’s depressing and horrible and I can’t un-see it ever… Cas getting passive and self-defeating in pretty much any fight with anyone drains any fun out of the idea he’d enjoy it playing around… It makes me feel sick and sad and horrified on his behalf because of how he reacts and I can never get past that exact thing, even with totally fanon AU Cas, with none of this baggage, because I just see him making those sad defeated faces… Not that the reverse of this scene in 5x18 is any better for saying anything about Dean, but in less high-tension situations like when he’s being manhandled by cops he only feels lightly threatened/mostly amused by, he seems to have a lot more fun with it :P Using 5x18 to say anything about Dean is just as unrepresentative, even if he DOES have a ton of fun wall slamming history, just not with Cas, like that. There’s plenty of other stuff in canon about how submissive Dean is without needing that gif… Like where he just admits he wants to be slapped around in bed or wants sexy rules or whatever. He doesn’t make it difficult to headcanon and he’s talking about wanting fun consensual sex in those moments :P I don’t think Cas has anything like it on his side (if anything he was compared to the pizza man who did the spanking >.>) and so anything where Cas is shoved around or gets that despairing passive look in his eyes I just can’t ever see him enjoying messing around getting in a similar headspace for fun, so I personally really don’t get anyone enjoying that side of it because Cas is in such a depressing place with this in the show >.> Idk if this is an unpopular opinion or not because at least in my experience of just following meta blogs and seeing fic recs etc second, it seems like a favoured dynamic anyway. About the gifs of these scenes and fanon though - I know a lot of people have fun with it out of context (e.g. “what if it was Cas shoving Dean against a wall because they were about to have sex”) and it just kinda looks bad without disclaimers which people might think were obvious they’re enjoying out of context because if they WERE asked they’d immediately say well duh the scenes were bad in context but that’s not what we’re enjoying here, or they actually have an interest in the whump factor of them getting beat up, but that’s something entirely out of my ability to talk about at this point, because I’m depressingly vanilla and boring about it all :P

Aaaanyway idk I’m not the best person to talk to about this because I don’t have a great deal of IRL experience to draw on for sensitivity about how to handle this except to say, obviously threatening to kill and shoving around your friends is not a good way to show love, and I also take that fact for granted when talking about it (so apologies if you were directing any of this message at me because it only occurred to me now, that you might not have been talking about the fandom in general, because I have been taking for granted that anything I say about this, I’m making a fairly horrified face about things like Dean packing an angel blade to meet Cas or shoving him around and I’d ASSUME that’s the normal reaction, except apparently people are romanticising it so NOT saying anything is playing into a bigger problem? Idk. >.>)

I haven’t really been on  my dash much since the episode so I don’t know how everyone’s really reacting, but I wonder how much of the discussion is also running away with ideas relating to these scenes, while taking for granted the main details are pretty crappy and it shouldn’t be treated as romantic per say, but come across wrong for not putting a disclaimer. The crypt scene discourse after 10x22 made me really hyper aware of that and how people who were most critical of or affected by this behaviour were seeing so much more of people supposedly romanticising it even though these people were just really not taking care to say of course they weren’t and to pick their language more carefully and not get over excited about meta textual reasons to reblog the gifs and so on, and I remember that it sort of came with a lot of snide hater anon messages to some blogs that this is why people hate Destiel/Destiel shippers because of all the romanticising abuse, it’s a horrible ship, etc etc, and even people who’d been really upset by that scene who then moved on to talk about other stuff aside from how Cas got attacked, were in danger of having this accusation about stuff they said… I don’t know. Fandom is a difficult space to navigate, and there are toxic sides to it, and people enjoying things in ways which other people might think they shouldn’t, when it’s not really their place to say HOW they enjoy it, but it’s all such a mix eventually wires cross… it makes me hesitant to go around saying everyone’s doing such and such romanticising a thing because it tends to be more complicated and weird and maybe there’s not such a great pool of people uncritically doing the thing that everyone is being accused of in a blanket statement. I’m now thinking I’ve said at least 2 of the things you mentioned, but I meant them in the way that I was horrified by what I saw and thought it would be obvious this was my reaction, but at this point I wonder how clear it was, and also how dangerous is it to ever open your mouth in a fandom space >.>