#use of q word
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while im at it neopronoun opposition is weird to me as a swedish person.. the whole debate is so anglocentric that they assume every language landed on the same solution they did, to reuse a plural pronoun as a gender neutral one and then they think any other solution is absurd or unheard of. what do you mean you just made another pronoun up you cant do that!! etc
coz its like here in the 2014 the swedish academy accepted 3rd person pronoun "hen" (as opposed to hon/han) like officially into our word list after it gained some popularity in the 2010s. like that is a NEOPRONOUN that someone just Came Up With in like the 60s and then people just started using it and now its just a recognized part of our language. sure we could've also reused our plural pronoun "de/dem" as a gender neutral one but we just made up a new one instead. and to like imply that mainstream use of a neopronoun is just UNHEARD OF and that neopronouns is something the mainstream could NEVER GET USED TO EVER!!! is... your perspective is very limited to the english speaking world is all i can say
#now like it is pretty cool that the swedish academy did choose to include it in our word list even despite the conteoversy#because ofc there was conteoversy what do yoy MEAN youre CHANHING OUR LANGUAGE????#but like even if that disnt happen the word still gained lots of traction before that and started being used#like smth doeant have to be accepted by the mainstream nevessairly to be valid anyway#some ppl are happy even if only their friends and loved ones r the ones using their neopronouns#so like. bleh#q-rambl3#sorry for the many gender rambles these past weeks#i see so much discourse and it irritates me ans TBIS IS MY ONLY OUTLETTTT
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Jaiden: Cucurucho, you have a lot of power, right?
Cucurucho: ...I don't know. Maybe.
Roier: Ah... Yes, you know, don't act like a dumbass, you have it. You have it, man. Eh?
Jaiden: Is there a way for us to protect all the Eggs? Do you know? I don't want anything to happen to the Eggs that happened to Bobby.
Cucurucho: Ha ha ha
Roier: WHAT? [Smacks Cucurucho]
Jaiden: [Bops him] Headpats.
Cucurucho: Maybe.
Jaiden: [Continues to bop him] Headpats. C'mon, I can get it out of you! Headpats! Chin scratches! Belly rubs!
Roier: [Joins Jaiden in bopping Cucurucho, chuckling and laughs]
Jaiden: Yeah? He's comin' around!
[Jaiden and Roier both laugh]
#Jaiden Animations#Roier#Cucurucho#QSMP#Jaiden#Animations Family#There is. So much I could say about these three#and so much I could say about their relationship / interactions with Cucurucho and Osito Bimbo#Cards on the table... I really would have loved it if Cucurucho / Osito genuinely cared about Jaiden#I mean I know they DID care about her to some extent that much is clear#But they / the Federation were also ABSOLUTELY using her. I'm not arguing that they weren't#But how could anyone not be charmed by Jaiden? The boba the tea parties the head patsā#The empathy and kindness and everything that made q!Jaiden who she wasā#Cucurucho and Osito were tools of the Federation but I do want to believe they cared about Jaiden. Albeit in their own fricked up way#I dunno. I know this sounds like massive copium probably but I watched all of her and Roier's streams interacting with them#and I personally think that conflict and duality makes for a more interesting story#But that's just me and my own personal biases. I dunno how to properly put it into words but I am cradling them all close to my heart#I loved Cucurucho / Osito and I thought they were interesting and I'm SO SAD we'll never know what Jaiden did for them in the past#Anyways. For anyone who's read this far into my rantā you know how Cucurucho saved the Eggs and Jaiden said she died in Purgatory?#I like imagining that she survived the bomb and wound up finding the Eggs in the aftermath#and she helped them survive until Cucurucho found them#I imagine that Jaiden was the reason they were able to escape from the Island / The Watcher / ElQuackity#She stayed behind to slow down their pursuers. And Cucurucho rescuing all the Eggs fulfilled his agreement with Jaidenā#A promise to protect the Eggs#Like I said a lot of this is copium but that's what I like imagining#TLDR: Cucurucho / Osito did care about her in a weird way but that doesn't mean they weren't manipulating her#May 31 2023#Idk man I got a lot of emotions about q!Jaiden#Roier too but I feel like I've done way more analysis posts about him and Cucurucho. Jaiden needs time in the spotlight#Anyways there's my monthly tag rant
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what is the theory that ivan manipulated the event where till and mizi met the wagyein?
It's not a theory, actually! It's confirmed that Ivan orchestrated the whole event. The true reason as to why however is still unknown. The information provides more context to this scene, though:
During the earlier times of ALNST the most rational explanation for this scene was that Till ran after a flower crown (presumably Mizi's) and Ivan followed him in out of curiosity. Now we know that Ivan was conveniently just standing there because he was waiting.
Side note, I find it heartbreaking (and maybe a little funny, sorry) that Till most likely didn't notice Ivan in this scene. That's just like him, isn't it. Always too busy running after Mizi while Ivan trails behind, an ever-present shadow.
I'm not sure how Ivan manipulated the circumstances for both of them to end up there, but it is confirmed that everything was intentional. What strikes me most is how they describe this particular scene:
I can't copy down what they said word-for-word (Patreon info), but they described Ivan watching "creepily" as Till and Mizi are faced with danger. We know that Ivan was familiar with the Cerberus wagyein beforehand, enough to touch its teeth and even to rest himself inside its maw. To Ivan, the wagyein is not dangerous, but to Till and Mizi, it could be. Ivan prepared the wagyein, led them there, and watched "creepily" from afar as Till fell on his knees, seemingly injured.
The closest I can get to making sense of Ivan's "scheme" is that he wanted to see how other children would react in a dangerous situation. Ivan's always been an observer, after all, and he's learned to survive by copying the more "normal" behaviors of his peers. This situation occured when Ivan was still young and had not yet developed his more charming mask, so perhaps he staged this encounter to study a situational response, to learn and mimic the emotion of fear. And what better subjects for the experiment than two of the most expressive and reactive humans of their batch? It helps that he was already fixated on Till beforehand, too. I think Ivan became irreversibly obssessed after this incident, especially since it's framed as a turning point in Ivan's life, comparing Till to the stars.
This is just my attempt at an interpretation, though. It could very well be for another reason. He most likely chose Till and Mizi specifically for personal reasons, not just for reaction. I'm still not sure on the purpose behind the whole thing.
The team wanted to capture Ivan's "dark emotions" through the shot of his stalking, which could relate to his more sinister intentions. His gaze can be read in a few different ways, though. Curiosity, interest, fear, etc. Maybe that's why they decided to redraw the shot in ROUND 6.
I think this better sells the feeling they were trying to convey.
#ivan u fucked up little guy.#also okay i just wanna clear this up#i know i make a lot of posts about ivans darker side and his more problematic traits#but this isn't me trying to villainize him or reduce him down to ātoxic yaoiā#I HOPE YOU GUYS KNOW ALL MY TOXIC YAOI POSTS ARE LIGHTHEARTED.#i just want to clarify that ivan was always intended to be a darker and complicated character. even since his debut in round 3#the way i refer to ivan (ātwistedā ācreepyā āobssessiveā etc) are literally the direct words used by q and v themselves to describe him#but despite that id like to emphasize that i don't see ivan as a villain or a completely bad person. hes complicated#there is no normalcy in this world they are living in. none of the characters know what being truly normal is#this isn't me condoning his actions#but it has to be acknowledged that alnst is fucked up in nature. we can't expect perfect relationships from people who are born to die#plus ivan has a lot more layers past the ādarkā parts. he's constantly battling himself and his desires#especially at the end of round 6 where he performs a myriad of conflicting actions (kiss strangle peck smile)#thanks to the r6 production notes we now know that ivan was going through a rapid internal conflict#āsure and unsure at the same timeā#there is sooo much to ivan. his low self-esteem. his desire and possessiveness despite knowing till will never love him#his VEHEMENT insistence that till will never love him vs his desperate persistence in trying anyway#uh i need to shut up i think#anyways sorry. just wanted to clarify my thoughts on him in case people think im. yk.#in short. hes a fucked up little freak and he fascinates me. this poor tragic child. i love him.#SORRY I GOT CARRIED AWAY#alnst#alien stage#alien stage ivan#alnst ivan#asks
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Luo Binghe is the kinda psychopath to pull out scrabble on a date and call it flirting and Shen Yuan is able to respond positively to this because man has zero, negative, and infinity levels of rizz catching all and simultaneously no bitches at once because these radio frequencies are all different lengths in this essay I will...
#svsss#svsss shitpost#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#sqq#luo binghe#bingqiu#scum villain self saving system#SY would unironically thing LBH's scrabble skills are impressive and hot#it's not even LBH spelling out the spicy words#its 'OOH 3 words in and already using 12 letters? in one word?! bold sexy astute'#'a Q? how debonair'#they're made for each other#not because any sort of soulmate nonsense but because they're both right type of freak to respond well to that#imagine being taken in by the intellectual prowess of another man's scrabble skill because youre that much of a prick and a know it all#SY is simultaneously a good and terrible person#truly a redditor#meanwhile LBH is someone who never made a friend in 12 + years of schooling and simultaneously is extremely popular#equally freak behavior#both does and doesnt have a hobby#would be an incel if he didnt choose his target and won't let go#kids these freaks are professionals#do not repeat#not even getting into how SY is both pulling not with mulitple people constantly and its like you think how is this man single?#and yet is not how#its where and when but also why
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Transmasc Person: "I am a straight guy, since I am a guy who loves women."
Toxic Queer Peopleā¢: "Ew, straight guys are all predators, since only non-queer people are straight! Anyways, discrimination against straight men isn't real, even when they're a minority."
Transmasc Person: "Okay, I am a lesbian, since even if I'm not a woman, I still have a connection to womanhood."
Toxic Queer Peopleā¢: "Lesbian is woman-only! If you are in any way a man or not a woman, you are not a lesbian! Transmascs can never be lesbians or have a connection to womanhood/a lack of manhood! Stop invading the lesbian community!"
I dare you to make it make sense.
#transhet#transmasc lesbian#transmasc#trans mlw#trans man#anti radical feminism#anti exclusionist#radinclus#critinclus#transandrophobia#let trans people define their own relation with gendered terms ffs#trans people need to be allowed to define their own relationship with gendered terms#even if it means that they may be using the āincorrectā word for their orientation#no I do not advocate for calling trans MLW overall lesbians#but if that is the term a trans man uses to describe himself he should not be forbidden from using it#it's 2023#we need to stop with the āmen sneaking into the LGBTQ+ communityā radfem rhetoric#q word#tw discourse
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The coffee thief.
#dramione#dramione fanart#dramione art#tw: scars#draco/hermione#dhr#draco x hermione#hermione x draco#dhr fanart#dhr art#crookshanks#early mornings at the Granger-Malfoy household#He painted that cup for her so he thinks he can use it too#He is very wrong#Hermione painted the tea pot#Maybe I should draw them on their ceramics painting date...#Mens' torsos are weird and bumpy#there were going to be word bubbles but I forgot#but I remembered their rings and the text in Hermione's book!#old wip#procreate#tiny q#digital painting
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No, ur absolutely so right about Bingcest. Preach louder because like. Itās just so fun. Any reason why they would be doing it is so fun. Is Bingge fucking Bingmei to show him how he needs to fuck Shizun? Is it a domination thing? What crazy kinks would Bingmei learn from Bingge? How would he try and incorporate them with Shizun? So many questions. I want Bingge to bite Bingmeiās lips when they kiss.
anon i love you and am willing to go through the abyss for you empty-handed and with my hands tied. will give you my firstborn. thank you for letting me talk about this please never leave me
now that the bingmei rp is over, and keeping in mind that i am forever sleep deprived, in a vaguely bingge mood, and also very sorry for what that means for any passersby, hereās my answer. horniness and thoughts (hopefully coherent enough) under the cut
though i find the shizun sandwich version of bingcest to be extremely tasty and a great apperitif, i feel like the pure bingge-bingmei storylines my brain throws at me every now and then are so fucking good (read: hhNnNg) on their own.
a non-exhaustive list of some ideas i didnāt ever think too deeply about but like for reasons:
what if bingge is bingmeiās shizun.
what if bingmei gets stranded in pidw.
what if bingge accompanies bingmei in the abyss.
what if instead of only having bingge and bingmei, we also throw in oo!lbh into the mix and make this the worst throuple to have ever existed.
what if the system fucks up and thereās two bingheās from the very beginning, twins or clones or whatever, and they brave the world on their own so as not to strain the washerwomanās already precarious situation further than they did the first time around.
what if bingmei wishes very, very hard for a father during his disciplehood, and the system plops bingge into his world when shen yuan is mia.
what if bingge goes out and tries to find the svsss world again but ends up in oo!pidw.
what if bingge and bingmei live to the ends of their lives and meet after the universe is wiped as cosmic beings and they have incomprehensible sex to soothe the pain.
what if bingmei suspects bingge came back to steal shizun during the monthly wifeplots, and just jumps the gun and goes after the fucker directly.
what if modern au.
what if modern au where theyāre separated at birth.
what if actual lab clones of each other!
et cetera (many more examples. none of which i can think of right now and if iām being honest? half of these i thought up on the fly, so i was lying. fibbing. other words. never ever assume i know what iām talking about)
in any and all these situations shen qingqiu and/or shen yuan could and perhaps should be integrated, but for my purposes he can take a moment to breathe. iāll return him his husbands shortly.
back to the point: i love every iteration of bingcest.
bingge and bingmei being very alpha vs. alpha about fucking and literally fighting for dominance. bingmei being horrible at kissing and bingge getting annoyed with the teeth thing and showing him how to actually bite someone (stealing your desires as they perfectly align with mine, anon) and then finding out that what bingge would consider lowly and ignoble (is that how you use the word? probably not), bingmei blushes and whines for so prettily.
exchanging blood and it fails to do anything but induce arousal in the other and then using that as a way to torment each other.
i want the snapping teeth and the clawing and the violence. the almost-tangible, suffocating hatred and frustration. them choking on their leashes tied together without their knowledge. choking on them where theāre tied to opposite ends of the bed as they try to get to the other. and so forth
but soft bingcest works beautifully too. donāt know how theyād end up in that situation but iām picturing it and itās very nice.
binggeās vanity and desire to be perfect projected onto his own self staring back at him, bingmeiās bratty disobedience challenging binggeās desire to subjugate and conquer and take, all of this culminating in the two of them understanding their differences but also loathing them in a way. why is he different, heās me, why canāt he understand, why isnāt he doing what i would, why does he hate me, the likes
oh!! bingmei should yell that at bingge actually. or growl it while he pins bingge down to get him to listen to him. and bingge should want to say, āare you stupid?ā but holds back because now isnāt the time. where did the brat even get that idea from? heās done everything he could to make him stronger, to make him realise that the world is a shit, cruel place and they only have each other in the end, and yeah itās a shit hand to be dealt, but is it? is it really?
hm. donāt really know where that thought ends up but iām pretty sure it ends up with both of them fucking unbearably tenderly (by their standards) in a forest somewhere.
anyway.
i donāt mean to exclude shizun because. i wouldnāt fucking dare? but bingcest is. itās dear to me. iām a bingcest purist if youād like, but bingcestqiu/yuan is second on the list. third is mobingcumplane/moshangbingqiu but thatās another thing altogether
(i have no actual clue if thereās ship names for these already. surely there are?)
BUT. adding shizun into the mix is wonderful. iāve recāed it before but through the eye of a needle is SUCH a good fic PLEASE give it a read itās my favourite fic ever ever in the history of ever
i love the idea of shizun trying to tame these two idiots and failing miserably. i also love the idea of him succeeding. i want bingmei making bingge drink some ārespect shizunā juice and i want bingge to give bingmei some much needed āfuck shizunā lessons. i want shizun to direct their every movement while he casually drinks his tea and pretends like heās not foaming at the mouth seeing the two protagonists being āforcedā to go at each other like theyāre passionate, devoted lovers.
just.
bingcestā¦
thereās so much i want from bingcest. i want the guilt, and the confusion, and the rage! i want the angst! the territorial spats, the dick measuring contests (literal and metaphorical). the comfort! the. idk man they should be allowed to be horrible to each other, itās not like they can die.
(holy shit what if one of them dies. fuck iām exhausted but please. kill one of them and make the other revive him. somehow. maybe we can make regret of chunshan reality but itās bingcest, if you understand)
but mainly i want the two pretty idiots humping each otherās thighs like teenagers. making bingge crawl for bingmei is also a very fun thought that would make him (plural) react in a very entertaining way. getting bingmei to power bottom is chefās kiss when binggeās on the other end. teaching bingge about the beauty of surrendering to his own self, which he does not trust with anything but also understands more than heād like or wants to acknowledge is also neat. they would get up to degeneracies that i canāt speak of. iām shy and also inarticulate about them
oooh also lebingcest. exactly the same as before but itās better. because lesbian yaoi
#svsss#luo binghe#luo bingge#bingcest#used that word so much it gained a new meaning iām not sharing#also sorry but once again hiding behind the esl shield im tiny small very little and a bit unsmart#i love you anon. i hope you understand me#any typos and mistakes i bequeathe to shen qingqiu as per usual#.q
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20/11/2023
#daily bunny#324#real bunny#I saw the picture and FELL IN LOVEE#such a cutie#also lil q for ppl using screen readers - do typos and mispells sound really bad?#bc I usually write the descriptions as I post late at night and worry a lot about mangling words DGFHG
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Okay so, I fully agree that q!Bagi is not obligated to stick by Cellbit or watch over him- and that it's healthy for her to grow closer to other people who make her feel happy and focusing on them could really help her start to heal from years of trauma she's gone though. I'm all for her finding people that feel like family when her brother doesn't right now. She is so much more then just his sister.
... but I don't agree with the common take that q!Cellbit doesn't care about her- I just don't think it's fair to take the way he's acting lately as truly reflective of how he feels towards the others, his mental health is at it's lowest, he's lashing out in self-destructive ways, and hasn't really had a moment to just take-in and process everything he's learned about the past that was taken from him with all the other stressful garbage going on. 'Course none of that is to say the weight of how he's treating people like his sister (and the others) should just be ignored and it's fully up to them to decide if they still want him around or not- I just don't agree with writing him off as not caring for her.
It's a painful, messy, complicated situation... but he knows she's been hurting for a long time- and I still believe that him hunting down fed members is as much for him as it is for her and everyone else whose been hurt by them even if Bagi openly hates what he's doing. He may not want to admit it, but I think he does care about her deep down- and he wants to push her away like everyone else (who isn't Baghera) right now.
I don't know if they'll ever be able to be a 'family' again let alone as close as they once were, but I think there's still some hope left that they can make something work... maybe.
... I also don't think she's ever going to truly 'give-up' on him because Bagi is simply a VERY determined person and not one to let her dummy little brother tell her what to do lol
#qsmp#gemeos do misterio#cellbit#q!Bagi#oibagi#I never know what tag to use for her orz#but yeh everytime I see a post about Bagi finding new family I go 'yeah ^_^' until I read the words 'her brother doesn't care about her'#and then I just go ' ._. hmmm'- I don't consider myself an expert on either of them but I just don't agree sry#would love comments from people more well-versed on their characters tho- appreciated!#and like- I'm speaking as someone who has a sibling I'm usually pretty close too and one I want to cut out of my life as soon as I can lol
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#this user is queer#tw q word#tw queer#tw q slur#tw slur#remember this can mean a ton of different things for different people! and some lgbtq+ people don't like using this label#2 different flags for this one in case some don't like the flag on the bottom#lgbtq-userboxes#lgbtq userboxes#lgbtq userbox#queer#queer flag#queer pride#queer identity#queer positivity#queer userbox#queer userboxes#queer safe#queer sexuality#lgbtq#lgbtq+#lgbtqia#lgbtqia+#mspec#multisexual#multisexual spectrum#mspec pride#mspec positivity#sapphic#achillean
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When you and Marisol ran into me and Tommy, we were on a date. Really? Mhm-hm. [...] So you two...? We were on a date, yes. Is that weird? No. Absolutely not. [...] This doesn't change a thing between us. Okay? Good. That's a relief.
911 7x05 | You Don't Know Me
#911#911edit#911 abc#911 net#buddie#evan buckley#eddie diaz#alielook#uservictoria#*my gifs#[delulu goggles on] eheheh famous last word#jokes aside i love how they portrayed this so much :')#also oof im used to giffing kpop stages and tv shows are a monster league of their own lmao#they're their complete opposite in terms of lighting and midtones and coloring. it's inchresting#q
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#inuyashaedit#oldanimeedit#anisource#animangaladies#dailyanime#allanimanga#animangaquotes#animangahive#fyanimegifs#shoujoedit#kikyo#inuyasha#i browsed the Ā·animangaquotesĀ· tag but theres just almost nothing#i think its befitting to have one tag for the words that get to us in anime and manga#some are very touching#q
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[A sad violin song plays over an image of a sad hamster]
Pac: This doesn't have anything to do with me ā I wear a blue sweatshirt, you're crazy, this mouse doesn't even have a sweatshirt, this hamster! [Reading chat] Am I a depressed hamster?
[ Transcript continued ā ]*
ā
Pac: Actuallyā that's fine! I embrace that idea ā of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy? [He hits his desk, then starts counting off people on his fingers] Fit is gone, Richarlyson is gone, Ramon is gone, Bagi and Empanada who were always there when we were there are also gone, I haven't seen them! It's just me and Tubbo, and sometimes Philza shows up.
Pac: I lost Chume Labs, I lost the Favela, I lost Murder Mystery, I lost Ilha Chume Labs, it's crazy! Look at how much I've lost, and I've gained nothing! Of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy?! How am I supposed to be happy?!
Pac: [Reading chat] "You have us Pac," that's true, thank you. No, that's true, sorry.
* NOTE: Please note that this is an incomplete transcript, as I was primarily relying on Aypierre's translation mod at the time and if I am not confident of the translation, I do not include it. As always, please feel free to add on translations or message me corrections.
#Pactw#QSMP#Pac#March 18 2024#As much as I love keeping people updated about Pac / the other Portuguese-speaking creators#I think I might not make as many transcribed posts for their clips anymore#I just don't think I'm qualified enough to be transcribing things for a language I don't know#like yeah we have the Qlobal Translator and Aypierre's translators to rely on#And I'm always upfront when I'm not 100% sure about a translation#but I've been thinking about it a lot and it kinda makes me feel a bit icky. Idk.#I might be overthinking this but I just I don't want to spread around translations I'm not super confident about#esp. since I know a lot of people cite my clips in analysis posts or link them to other people as resources#and 90% of the time I'm like ''Hell yeah I love seeing people getting a lot of use out of the archive''#but sometimes I get a bit anxious like ''Did I do a good enough job translating this''#''Am I ruining someone's entire perception of a conversation or character because I left one word out or mistranslated something?''#And like I said that's normally not a HUGE concern since if I'm not certain about a translation I just won't post a clip. but you know#idk it might just be the anxiety talking but I really really don't want to spread bad info#Happy to hear other folks' perspective#I'm really grateful for people like Bell and Pix and others who translate clips and I always try to reblog those#but we don't have a ton of people posting clips & translating things on Tumblr since we're so English-centric#which is part of the reason WHY I like sharing clips of the non-English-speaking CCs#but at the same time I want to do an accurate job representing what they're saying#Maybe I'll just start posting things and give a TLDR context of what they're talking about but not a transcript#that way native-speakers can hop in and add translations if that's something they're comfortable doing#and if not then well. at least I'm not sharing something that isn't super accurate#idk I'm just thinking out loud a bit in the tags#But I'm open to hearing other people's thoughts on the matter#Anyways giant rant aside. q!Pac is NOT doing ok rn
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Marx's last words are oddly Akutagawa coded
#The use of the word āfoolā is ššš#ryÅ«nosuke akutagawa#bsd#bungou stray dogs#bsd ch 87#bsd ch 84-88#mine#q.#07/09/23
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WILLOW (SEASON 1) - SOUNDTRACK
#willow#willowedit#oh jesus here come the tags#elora danan#airk tanthalos#graydon hastur#venoma scorpia#thraxus boorman#kit tanthalos#jade claymore#**#nothing but bangers all the way down#the ppl who complain abt the use of modern music dont know how to have fun fr#the scream i scrumpt when enter sandman rina version started????#ok but which lesbian chose these songs#rina.... pom pom squad.... soccer mommy..... a song from the l word generation q
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hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?
hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].
but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.
it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.
and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.
the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.
an emptiness, like you said.
but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.
you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.
he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.
but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.
how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.
the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.
think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.
i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.
but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.
as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease š
#q&a.#birdsong.#wishing u gentle ease; the death of a loved one is near inexplicable to put into words and i hope you take care of yourself gently <3#i hope this will make u laugh: when i was a tiny child in middle school there were times i would go outside in my tiny suburban cul de sac-#in the rain and sing along to my lil ipod nano and i only remember doing this to drops of jupiter. can you imagine going out to get the mai#after a long day of work and you just hear this kid singing train in the streets. in the RAIN.... it makes me laugh like i really.#i really thought i was so cool and deep and emotional ghjkd but i find it v funny that i only remember it w/ that one train track.#and saturn just. it's my fav s.a.l. song for a reason. that slow violin opening? the piano coming in gentle and easy?#it feels like light. like hope. like something new - a dawn after the long dark. that beautiful things can begin again even where#it hurts. and there is nothing more human than a sentiment like that.#how rare and beautiful it is to truly exist. what it is to be alive and get to be here and live with other people. with those we love.#i think your grandfather was so lucky to be able to know you. to have you in his life for the time you had together.#i'm no spiritual person; but i like to believe when you're thinking about him? he's thinking about you too.#the second law of thermodynamics (physics nerd mode) is that no energy has ever been created/destroyed since the beginning of the universe.#so it has to go somewhere - it's that carl sagan quote of 'we're all made of stardust'. because we are. we used to be stars; planets; etc.#i think it's why i think of these space songs - because they're a part of everything; once more; when they go. us and everything else.
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