#urgh come on brain

[rightintheghoulies]

😳😳

Huh? Wuh? I jus woke up...

[hakunoknight]

no one is awake so now i can talk about hornet and motherhood, that being that i hate the idea of her having kids but also do think it's not impossible for her to have kids.

i am someone who has always hated endings where female characters marry and have a family (very few exceptions to this) - the pairing being a lesbian couple does not make me like this trope more. i probably dislike it more tbh. so part of my hcs for her will always be that i don't think she wants kids. one because she has so much trauma and baggage to deal with and heal and of course those things are never totally gone, and also bc i just don't think she's got the personality nor space for it.

she can care for others and describes herself as stern but not cold, but none of that points to maternal or wanting to be a mother. she's got complicated relationships with both her parents and probably has a lot of thoughts in general about parent & child bonds, but i do think with being with partners who do want kids + the influence from whatever society she aligns with COULD lead to children. it would just suck.

I've always hc'd herrah as having many miscarriages before hornet and i think this would be hornet's fate, too, on top of postpartum depression which would make it borderline impossible for her to have a normal relationship to her children. on top of everything else!!!

this of course would make her having kids as a sad and tragic event in their lives and her own so in that way it interests me a lot as someone who thinks about those things a lot (and who loves this aspect in series like ASOIAF/IWTV) where such relationships are complicated and fraught. but end goal is i never write her as wanting kids and if she did it'd be for reasons outside of her and it would be very sad.

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

I planned to do so much today and I felt horrible and like my brain had melted and I’ve spent the entire day day under my weighted blanket. I shouldn’t be so unforgiving but I feel really cross with myself.

[altruistic-meme]

OUGHHH I FOROGR

[elvenbeard]

Why is my brain either like "draw all the complex horny things that you have little experience with in terms of drawing" or "draw super long elaborate comics/animatics" and nothing inbetween lately...

just let me make a little doodle, pls, one scene, not a whole story, I just wanna finish something it's been too long XDD

[ilikedetectives]

.

[playingonedchess]

eh now that im thinking about it again i think maybe my problem with fandom is mainly just that its completely incapable of remotely understanding how any sort of interpersonal relationship works in the slightest and portrays them in the most ridiculous stupid ways not only is everyone ridiculously too emoteionally expressive and self aware and way too eager to therapise each other and discuss things in ways that no one really ever would but they also way overstate the way the characters even think about these things and then when its not the writers invented versions of the characters psycological states its always just about stupid internet subculture memes that i refuse to believe anyones even capable of finding funny or else the other way of completely misunderstanding interpersonal relationships which is making everything about romance or family structures its either throwing away all their actual relationship to just be about kissing and they love me they love me nots and honestly i reckon its actually worse when you actually ship them cause then your actually invested in their relationship and think they could actually have a romantic relationship while still resembling the actual characters relationship, at least if you dont really ship them its less annoying and you can just appreciate it as a random story. and the only other thing these people are interested in writing about tends to be totally misinterpreting the non romantic relationships as well like its hard to believe these people have ever actually had family if this is how they write them but i suppose they can at least acknowledge thats actually a valid reason to care about someone? plus the ways they always have to make non familial relationships into family like its especially ridiculous who they think has a parent and child relationship like seriously just admit your brains too small to comprehend more than too types of relationships. also they way theyll insist characters have a parent child relationship based entirely on the fact that its the kid of one of the characters they ship together i mean thats just getting obsessive not everything has to support your ship and its ridiculous to think that every kid would see their parents partner as a parent let alone the way they insist its like this with adults like ypu know they can still have a good relationship and everyone can get on great without them getting another parent when theyre literally in their twenties

[eryanlainfa]

Cries in I haven't touch my portfolio the whole week-end though I was supposed to

[fallingforfandoms]

Today really is one of those days, huh? :///

[cherrylindreams]

i wish there was a way to tell what smells odd in my apartment without having to rely on my nose and on not getting distracted by everything while looking for it

[cvnt4him]

Ohkay but I feel as if katsuki is an ass guy. Like idek where this sudden energy for writing is coming from like bro but bakugou katsuki is taking over my brain like damn.

Ohkay so like I feel like he likes thick women idfk idk idk. Like listen, listen listen. I feel like he's one of those guys to like, if you're laying on your stomach and maybe playing something or js scrolling on your phone he'll like js come up j lay his head on your ass like he js doesnt care. I also truly deeply believe he slaps your ass just because it's there

Cuddling him bro.... OH MY GOD. Me thinks he will wrap his ENTIRE body around yours. Not in like a possessive manner, well yes that, but also in a like "I'm never letting you go" type shit yk??? Yeah you know.

And and and and......... When he kisses you :((((((

Oh just think ab it idk like I feel like he gives quick chaste kisses like it breaks my heart urgh. Just a quick peck on the lips n half the time it's never fully on your lips like sometimes it'll be like half on your cheek or sum sum. But forehead kisses>>>>>>>>>> he gives those 100%

Please don't disagree.

[randomishnickname]

Must-read Destiel fics - my superduper Nov. 5th rec list

Three years ago, on the blessed day of November 5th, 2020, I had:

never seen an episode of SPN,

only had a vague inkling of what the two pale coconuts were on about,

and I hee-heed and ha-had with the rest of Tumblr about the love confession scene and the Internet errupting in an unparalleled craze

At first I thought, that's it.

Then ... I got curious. I watched some YouTube Destiel supercuts. I read some fic (I think @andhumanslovedstories beautiful Cas/OC fic was my entry point?). I read meta. I watched some more YouTube scene packs. I read even more fic. I watched some of S4, some of S1, some random fan fav episodes. And then Destiel lodged itself so deeply, thouroughly into my brain that it took over and hasn't relinquished control in the last two years. The most tenacious, pervasive brain worm to date.

This ship got it all, and this fandom got it all, and there's such delightful, powerful, batshit crazy, romantic, expertedly crafted fanfic out there, it's like being a starving child in the world's biggest candystore.

So without further ado, here's some of my very favorite fics from this infinite trove, with all my thanks to the wonderful writers who keep delighting and awing me with their dedication and craft. There'll of course be some recency bias at play but you can browse my bookmarks over here to chose from over 100 excellent and well-curated SPN stories.

💕CATEGORY: SWOONWORTHY💕

Wildly romantic fics that warm you up from the inside.

It Won't Be Perfect by someonetoanyone (10K words) Summary: Dean daydreams about what it'd be like to let himself love Cas freely.

Why I love it: the humor, the spot-on characterizations, and the quintessential late season Destiel-ness of being so deeply love with your best friend that it's too big to actually do anything about. Just. So warm.

Rock Lobster by Ginger Fail (13K) Summary: Cas decides that the lobsters Dean planned to cook need to get back home. Impromptu beach vacation ensues!

Why I love it: This road trip story is fresh and invigorating like a sea breeze! Fun, entertaining and full of deep, deep fondness.

Seek to Know You Better by ahurston (32K)

Summary: On a road trip, Dean and Cas play the 36 Questions That Lead To Love.

Why I love it: They’re so deliberatedly, carefully starting a relationship here. They try so hard to bridge the gaps and meet each other halfway. A very mature take on love that feels nourishing.

☢️CATEGORY: BRAINWORMS GALORE☢️

Fics that make you go BARK BARK BARK.

samson went back to bed by piesexuality (9k, @twoheadedcas) Summary: Cas strikes a deal with Chuck - keeping his family together comes at the price of their free will.

Why I love it: What if Cas got his revenge for the Mala'ak box? What if love came at the price of everything you've been fighting for? What if a story twisted the knife oh so sweetly? Each word of this one lands a punch. Made me insane in the best of ways (cue pinned fanart).

In sickness by @saintedcastiel (41K) Summary: S4 redux but Castiel has a fetish: giving Dean the sniffles.

Why I love it: This one is soooo. Can barely find words for it. It taps into Cas' early season alienness and psychosexual obsession with Dean, brilliantly demonstrates Casdean vs Samruby parallels, and each word is just. Perfect. ARGH!

so much smoke in a hall full of mirrors by AreYouReady (6K, @autisticandroids ) Summary: Godstiel is losing his heavenly war. Crowley provides a compliant Dean-doll for him to release his frustrations upon.

Why I love it: Urgh, this one is sooo dark. Taps into the scary, intimidating and alien aspects of Godstiel so well. Gore, consent and psychosexual issues galore. Delicious.

Special mention: In a Parked Car, Exhuming Ophelia by @an-android-in-a-tutu (17K). Still need to comment properly ;)

💣CATEGORY: EMOTIONAL WRECKING BALLS💣

Angsty fics that tear you to pieces to remake you better.

What Used To Be Mine by someonetoanyone (48K words) Summary: Dean never makes his apology prayer in Purgatory - Cas dies, Dean mourns.

Why I love it: Oh god, this is a heavy hitter. Just, straight up insurmontable grief, packaged in poetic, raw language to make you shed tears and tears. Loved it so much.

Ignite your bones By ilovehowyouletmefall (67K, @angelinthefire) Summary: Dean accepts Chuck's deal: killing Sam to save the world.

Why I love it: Cruuuuel cruel premise for a story that doesn’t pull its punches. It gets dark in Dean’s head and everyone around him suffers. Wonderfully written. The ending set my brain on fire.

Right Where you Left Me by outdean (93K, @armandgender)

Summary: Cas comes back from the Empty after 10 years to find Dean married to another man.

Why I love it: This one is a riiiide. When grief has become a part of you but your love comes back… When you return from the dead and have to carve a new space into the world for yourself... nothing is easy here, but the emotions are INTENSE. Also, autistic!Cas for the win.

Special mention: Who Ya Gonna Call? by saintedcastiel (50K) and Clear skies in spring by enochianprayer (WIP)

💥CATEGORY: EPIC RIDES💥

Expansive, wild adventures with lots of ups and downs

Spirit of the West by teen_dean (140K, @urne-buriall)

Summary: An 18y old Dean grew up on a horse farm – cue veterinarian Castiel. The summer of a lifetime ensues.

Why I love it: So this is one of my very favorite stories, ever ever, and I cannot recommand enough to immediatedly suscribe to the author’s Substack to be able to follow it in „real time“ next summer. It’s cinematic, rich, full of darkness and light, it’s everything a story can aspire to, I’m just. I just really love it.

Second Verse, Same as The First by LaLaCat1 (135K)

Summary: Endverse!Cas is sent back to the start of S1 and is determined to make things right this time round.

Why I love it: a desperate and badass Cas, unfridging everyone, a thrilling plot, moments of awesome for the entire cast, gripping action scenes, a romance for the ages… this is a genuinely amazing story.

back road, black road by eden22 (167K)

Summary: 18y old Sam gets kidnapped by Hell on his way to Stanford. Dean tries to deal.

Why I love it: So this one’s not Destiel-centric but does have wonderful Destiel moments. It’s also very heavy on the gore and the angst (NOT for the faint of stomach), but expertly crafted, fascinating and frankly it deserves more love. Held my breath for half the read and never knew where it’d take me.

Special mention: It's The End Of The World (As We Know It) by tiamatv (140K)

🤪CATEGORY: DESTIEL INSANITY🤪

Uproariously funny stories about the intricate rituals these two weirdos get up too.

Life Skills by ilovehowyouletmefall (26K)

Summary: Dean teaches a newly human Cas how to be „a real man“.

Why I love it: Dean coming to Big Self-Realizations while trying to have platonic threesomes with Cas is so perfect. Very endearing, tender and funny. Also, smoking hot sex.

the cheapest room in the house by biggaybenny (89K)

Summary: Dean downloads Grindr for Cas

Why I love it: Just. Late season Dean being deranged about Cas’ sexuality while everyone watches on in utter confusion. Equally hilarious and deeply moving

according to all known laws of life by @sobsicles (29k)

Summary: Cas comes back from the Empty to a Dean who won’t stop playing gay chicken.

Why I love it: They are both such petty, insane weirdos in this one. They said „can every situation be turned into a squabble“ and didn’t wait for an answer. So funny, so tender

Special mention: Wedding Vows and Negotiations by GingerFail (6K)

That's it, enjoy and leave your writers some much-deserved love!

[mokulule]

Almanac - Chapter 2

So ya'll have given me some amazing and lovely comments on A Man has Needs (which I'm delighted was so well-received), and I had a really shitty day so I wanted to upload something. Sadly don't have energy to write, but this was already done so here ya go. Ship: Dead on Main First | Masterlist

Chapter 2 - September 25th, Uranus at Opposition

Jason awoke slowly. He felt groggy and worn like he’d gone a round with Bane and, now that he thought about it, maybe also Black Canary; his ears of all things hurt for some reason. Groaning he pushed himself up, taking in the green and black bedspread… this wasn’t his bed. He looked around; bare stone walls with a strange almost purplish tint - no windows he could leave out of.

What happened yesterday? There had been something… an emergency? Shit. He rubbed his brow hoping against hope to relieve the sharp headache there. What kind of truck hit him? Come on brain, work.

Bruce.

Bruce had called him. He breathed slowly through his nose. Urgh, his brain was like a tangled ball of yarn that had been left to the mercies of a cat. Slowly he picked at the treads, trying to untangle them. Dick had been there, and Tim and Damian. And Superman? Why was Jason on a league mission? Jason wouldn’t have joined them unless the world was-

Oh, the world had been ending.

There was an invasion and John bloody Constantine and a ritual- and Jason was a small bit of supernatural insurance but that didn’t matter because-

Because!

His head throbbed sharply and he curled up on the bed with a whimper. Shit. Why? Okay, no remembering right now. He slowly unfolded and squinted at the room, there were two doors. One by the head side of the bed, which seemed the least likely to lead outside and one opposite. He confirmed the first door to be a bathroom, which left the other to lead- He opened the door into a windowless hallway. Looking left and right he didn’t see an end either way.

The hallways had the same purple tinted stone walls as the room. It was lit by green torches, but somehow they didn’t cast green light. Instead the light that hit Jason was more blueish. He decided not to think about that and moved on.

He walked hallway after hallway. The only change was the tapestries. Since they were the only thing that changed he couldn’t help but look at them. There was a man, large and armored with a flaming crown and his hand raised with something shining from it. Jason went down some stairs and another hallway had a tapestry with the same character directing an army of skeletons and other creatures fleeing from them. This theme continued through many hallways. World upon world, the king and his army conquering all on a backdrop of Lazarus green. Then finally something changed, seven robed figures stood over the fallen king.

Jason then stood in front of a winding stairwell: Up or down?

He looked down; there was something down there…

Dazed, he took a step down, before he shook his head and walked up. He had to get out. Walking down in a building he didn’t know what floor he was on was just asking to be trapped in some sort of basement, and he’d already walked down one staircase already, when the only other option had been to backtrack.

A sarcophagus was opened and the King released. In the next hallway someone in a black and white mech suit was fighting the king and Jason blinked at the sudden genre shift. He hadn’t expected that from the tapestry story.

The next one had several people pushing the sarcophagus closed again presumably to seal the king, but one figure especially niggled at Jason’s brain - the small one, the black and white one. He was familiar. He walked faster, urgency pressing him to find the next tapestry, he rounded a corner and there!

There were two tapestries on either side of a door. The first tapestry had a purple robed figure crowning a kneeling black and white figure in front of a crowd. Several were recognizable from the previous tapestry. But Jason didn’t look at that picture long he was drawn to the last tapestry; the one who only showed the new king:

Human skin tone, compared to all the light greens and blues. Snow white hair. Crown hovering over his head, and on the index finger on his right hand where it was folded over his chest was a green ring with a skull crest. The backdrop was a nebula of colors and only on the edges were the Lazarus green. The king’s eyes were closed, but Jason knew they were green.

He knew.

And as a key turning in a lock Jason remembered. He bent over holding his head with a groan. The invasion. The ghost king. His sacrifice, which apparently meant he was to do nothing for the rest of his life. Screw that! What was the ghost king gonna do? Un-save the world? Jason didn’t think so. He needed to get out. He very carefully avoided thinking of the risk of his brains melting out his ears if he angered the king again.

The door. Jason’s eyes snapped to it. It looked completely innocuous. He had been lead here for a reason. Fight or flight? Fight his body screamed at him. His chest rose and fell, his heart picked up speed in anticipation and he reached for the brass handle. His hand closed around it, it was cold and solid in his grip. He exhaled slowly out his nose counting down.

3

2

1

He burst into the room, hands on hidden knives, ready for anything! Then he froze.

This was the room he woke up in. There was that rumpled spot on the bedsheets from where he’d slept. He grabbed his head, there had been no tapestries in the hall he stepped out in, he was sure. No he was not gonna let this get to him he had to find a way out. He stepped out into the hallway through the still open door; the tapestries were gone.

He walked the opposite direction this time, but only five turns in he stood in front of the open door again. Shaking his head he kept walking, there had to be a way out. There were less tapestries now, but every now and then there’d be a tapestry of the King sans crown fighting someone. It seemed to be some of the more prominent people that had been at the coronation and then there were some others; a large plant creature, a person that looked part tornado, someone who looked like the night sky itself.

The message was clear: give up. See all the ones who has been defeated. What do you think, you can do?

Jason punched the wall next to the most recent tapestry.

“Let me out, you bastard!” he snarled.

Predictably there was no answer, but a small part of Jason had still hoped something would happen. His shoulders dropped.

A familiar door materialized in the corner of his eyes. He turned his head to better see and yup, that was the door alright. He sighed.

“Fuck you.” But Jason was tired. He didn’t know how long he’d walked the hallways. He opened the door and walked the few steps that took him to the bed collapsing on top of it, in the spot he’d made earlier. He couldn’t be bothered to go under the covers.

Oo o oO

They say doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is a sign of insanity. Tim would probably argue something about scientific methods and statistics in return, but Tim wasn’t here, just Jason.

So here’s what Jason knew:

He’d sacrificed his life to the Ghost King to save the world. The Ghost King had no interest in Jason and had just dropped him in a never used room like one of those gifts you really don’t want but can’t refuse. Oh, and the castle was magical and delighted in showing him right back to his room every time he left it.

Leaving the room was pointless. Jason knew it was pointless. But Jason couldn’t just stay in this room, hence the repeated insanity, but at least out in the hallways some things changed, even if he always ended up where he started.

He didn’t know how long he’d been there. He’d lost count of how many times he’d slept. It was pointless anyway, he didn’t know if he could even count sleeps as days anyway. He was locked in a battle of wills with a fucking castle.

“For a magical castle, you’re boring, you know that?” He spoke to the ceiling. It didn’t even have any enchanted furniture or household items to talk with.

Jason wasn’t sure quite when he’d started feeling hungry, only that it shouldn’t have taken that long. Water came out of the tap in the bathroom, so at least he wasn’t thirsting. After the hunger came the lethargy. He was sleeping more and his forays out into the hallways were shorter.

The world was a hefty price to pay and maybe Jason’s suffering was just a part of his toll, but Jason would have taken being a servant or slave over this. At least then he’d have something to do. There’d be a focus, something to fight. He wouldn’t just lie here with nothing better to do but insult the walls.

next

-

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[haveyouseenthisskeleton]

Skeleton has S/O that brother doesn't know about and brother is confused when he comes home with cartoonish lipstick marks on his face. I love your writing so much <3

Undertale Sans - Oh it's a big brother time. Sans is so going to tease Papyrus to death, one pun after the other, as Papyrus is desperate to hide how red his face is. Sans is not letting that one go. He waited his whole life for this to happen and loved seeing Papyrus lose all his confidence, trying to justify himself very badly.

Undertale Papyrus - He never thought he would see the day. Sans has always been very discrete about his relationships and he's good at not answering Papyrus' questions or distracting him until he thinks Papyrus forgot. But Papyrus was not fooled and KNEW there was something weird with his brother. And now that there are evidences Sans can't hide anymore, Papyrus is going to harass him with questions. He's curious now. What do they look like?

Underswap Sans - His soul misses a beat. The hell? Blue stares at his brother with wide shocked eyes. He never expected his brother was see someone? Honey is usually pretty obvious when he's in love, and Blue is shocked he saw nothing. Huh. Anyway. It's time to investigate. He wants to know what's going on!

Underswap Papyrus - He rolls his eyes. That's definitely not the first time it happens. Blue does this effect on people sometimes. He doesn't assume it's a romantic interest, as he's pretty sure some grandma he helped cross the road did the same thing once. He's curious though.

Underfell Sans - He stares at Edge in shock, then smirks loudly. Edge cracks his neck towards him and asks if he has something to say. No, no. He doesn't have anything to say. But he's definitely taking a picture as soon as he looks away to send Undyne. Edge is not happy about this.

Underfell Papyrus - Urgh. Red is parading around the house, clearly proud of himself. It makes him want to puke. He's not jealous or anything (yes, yes he is a lot). Red knows exactly what he's doing. Is he trying to assert dominance? Because Edge can assert dominance too.

Horrortale Sans - He stares. Longly. Mainly because his brain is trying to process what monster or human could be as tall as his brother to kiss him on the top of his skull. That's very suspicious. Actually, he only knows one monster tall enough to do that and that's Toriel. Now, he's not judging but he didn't think Toriel could like his brother like that. That's when Toriel points out that his brother looks really smug. Uh. He forgot she was right next to him. So that's not Toriel? But who then? He needs to know. He notes the incident in his notebook. He knows Willow won't talk but he has other ways.

Horrortale Papyrus - He struggles not to laugh as his brother looks at him in complete confusion. Oak clearly forgot he has lipstick marks all over his face and he is completely oblivious to why his brother, and later Toriel, are laughing at him. He even gets defensive when Willow finally has enough pity to clean him. You don't give him a bath! He will bite you!

Swapfell Sans - Rus is looking at him with a smug face, clearly proud of him. "hey bro you know what i did tod..." "I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. HOW MANY TIMES WILL I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH YOUR ROMANTIC LIFE. I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER I DON'T WANT YOU TO REPORT TO ME EVERY TIME YOU HAVE A WOOHOO SESSION WITH YOUR HUMAN THANK TORIEL. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ALWAYS TELLING ME THESE THINGS?!" Rus just smirks. Then as he leaves, he randomly says "actually there were two humans". Nox just screams as Rus chuckles at his reaction.

Swapfell Papyrus - Rus' eyes light up as Nox passes next to him, the face entirely purple. Nox tries to speed to escape him, but Rus puts his legs in the way, making him gasp in offense. "so how was your... what you said again? ah, yes, woohoo session?" "SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP I HATE YOU SO MUCH WHY ARE YOU EVEN LIKE THIS?" "the guy who was supposed to educate me joined the royal guard at 12 and let me get horny all alone for the first time" "RUS YOU'RE THIRTY YEARS OLD." "stop changing the subject. was it that human that came yesterday? are they hot?" Nox leaves, face entirely purple. He doesn't want to talk about this!

Fellswap Gold Sans - What. What? What! Hell no! Who the hell is trying to steal his brother? Wait, when did his brother find someone? Why did his brother not tell him? Is the human threatening him if he tells him? Wine is upset, he needs to investigate. He's worried.

Fellswap Gold Papyrus - Coffee is a bit shocked. That was clearly not planned because Wine would have never showed up like that otherwise. That's the first time Coffee actually sees him blush. That's also probably because Coffee wasn't supposed to be home. Now, Coffee knows better than to tease him because he knows his brother is a grumpy old man. But he's happy for him.

[crustyfloor]

Brain vomit...I am insanely jealous of the people who can get the new merch. And I am planning an elaborate heist. But aside from that, I'm also crazy over the lore implications of the new photo-card designs...

Of course, they're all suffering as per usual. But it's symbolized by cracks in their skin. When I saw that, I immediately linked it back to the collapse of barriers, secrets, structures, etc. The hearts, however, confused me a bit. But I suppose it's because the reason they all "broke" is ultimately because of their love.

This is probably the most distressed Ivan has ever looked in a photo card, and really, he's honest. The tone of his card is sickeningly oversaturated and overwhelming, and his emotions are visceral, I also find it interesting how the cracks are littered all over his face, and the hearts leak out like that from the neck--and Ivan holds his face like he's trying to "fix" it, or in other words, "keep it together" as he's breaking down and becoming vulnerable, he has to cover up his expression behind something more appealing as he always does. He's also wearing his Anakt Garden uniform. When he was a child, he was just learning how to develop his mask. But even then, he faltered sometimes, Ivan's automatic response is always to try to fix it, even if he's underplaying the severity of his feelings, it's what he has to do regardless, I love his card for that portrayal when he tries to keep one wound closed, another wound opens, its erratic and uncontrollable, like his true emotions. When I see him trying, it looks like it's hard because, well--he's breaking down. Normally, you can't just bounce back from that, so in this rare moment, he struggles with how to deal with it. (A certain desperation to keep up the act?) (His eyes. I really like his eyes in this PC, it's more akin to those moments when his true expression comes out, in those very rare moments)

And then there's Till, I feel pain when my wife feels pain. His expression, too, is very overwhelming. Like he's suffocating too, But his cracks are minimal, not because his pain is small but because vulnerability--something he loathes, is coming to the surface. In tears, Till is suppressing his emotions. Who he bleeds for is ambiguous here, you could say the hearts are for Ivan or for Mizi, but I think it's both. Because he hides from the both of them and eventually the love he feels for them both seeps out one way or the other like a slow leak through a crack in the wall, he's spent so many years building a fortress of a barrier to emotionally separate himself from others, it's his way of protecting himself. But at the peak of his suffering, long too deep into this hell, losing Mizi and then Ivan, he's crying because he's slowly breaking down, and the way he grips at his hair like he's trying to hold back...urgh. In different ways, indifferently, Till ignores Ivan and his affections, and fearfully, he avoids Mizi, instead watching her from afar, doing small things to feel close to her, even when he has the opportunity to get closer, and even when she acknowledges that he's so avoidant of her that it makes Mizi concerned if he even likes her or not, as was said in the Artbook when asked for her opinion of him:

"Mizi -> Till: I'd love to be friends with him. He's an artist who's so dedicated to his work. But he seems to be avoiding me... Does he hate me?"

Till doesn't confront relationships any more than he has to even though he cares so so deeply for them because confronting his emotions and confronting vulnerability, sadness, happiness, etc., and especially fear, is a commitment you have to understand how to accept and respond to, and Till doesn't understand the how when he can only go back to his starting point, hiding and or getting angry, because it's easier. At this point, it's instinct. Shyness is one thing, but doubt is something that can make you freeze in place, confuse you, make you feel unsafe, and even hinder your ability to control yourself in the wake of fear. Fear is what roots Till in place. Till, even for how emotional and sensitive he truly is, he fears the type of vulnerability being emotional requires, he knows of it, but he can never truly embrace it out of fear, that's why he rarely ever shows his heart. He already knows that wearing your weakness on your sleeve leaves you vulnerable to pain, he used to be childish and vulnerable once, and technically, he still is, but just imagine what years upon years of cruelty has instilled in him. So he acts cold and avoidant, and these misunderstood emotions lead to other misguided intentions. That's what brings me to the quote on the back of his pc

Translation:

"사랑 같은 애매한 말보다 증오란 말이 확실해요" -> "The word hatred is more certain than vaguer words like love"

Rather than confronting uncertainty and exploring the confusing, unpredictable, and gray area that is love, hate is honest, hate is intentional, hate is malleable, and you can control it. It's Till's response to feeling unsafe to resort to anger, in the same way, Ivan resorts to trying to fix it and put on a facade. Again, it ties back to the fact that Till doesn't and has never hated Ivan, but understanding Ivan is as confusing as understanding love, Till is as much of a puzzle himself. That's why they confuse each other and clash. So they come close but remain distanced because their connection is almost like unattractive magnets, Till is sensitive and loving, compared to Ivan's regrets; of not being nicer, of not understanding how to get closer to Till, then I think about what Till's recollection of his relationship with Ivan and Mizi in retrospective would be like when he does acknowledge it.

And now...mmizisua. To me, Sua looks more aware of her pain than Mizi is, like in the storyline, she is more aware of their fragility and the cruelness of their environment. It's surely a parallel to the way Sua had kept Mizi in the dark for so many years, even when this pain and this love are so destructive, she covers up her wound with her hand and hides it from Mizi, to protect her, her wound is a direct correlation to her (inevitable) death, a truth that would shatter Mizi, even after he death she wants Mizi to remember her the same as she was when she was alive, unaffected by their world. She tries to force a smile as if everything is still okay, especially because she doesn't want to affect the way Mizi looks at her so lovingly, how would Mizi ever recover if she knew the truth?

And Mizi would seemingly be none the wiser if not for the tears because, to me, she knows but looks to Sua for comfort, to forget even when she is hurt the same way, I love this side of MiziSua a lot, the side that highlights the cruelty of their relationship that surrounds their bubble, because as long as they could distract themselves with the presence of each other, the co-dependence of their dynamic, they could forget as if they couldn't feel the pain at all as long as they had each other, but Mizi is still so affected by her pain, all this hiding had amounted to nothing in the end because Mizi never changes in Sua's eyes, and Sua is still hiding her pain, but that day, Sua had broken that bubble of ignorance to the evil around them. Mizi's cracking, and she shows Sua when she pulls back her hair. It's an interesting contrast between MiziSua and IvanTill, when Mizi and Sua smile, they look happy to be in love, even if it's twisted and hurts each other, because they only rely on each other, and Ivan and Till look inconsolably pained.

[elsaellaelys]

Queen Conch

summary: bestfriend!JJ sitting outside Y/N's bath, taking care of her while she's sick.

pairing: bestfriend!JJ Maybank x bestfriend!fem reader

'I was too lazy to count' words

a/n: is a short one. hope y'all like 3>

--☆--

JJ arrived Y/N's house happily, patting the shell he saved in his pocket just to make sure it was still whole, he brought it to complete her collection and so she could listen to the sea till she fell asleep like she always do, but the sounds of pain groans coming from the bathroom put a concern expression on his face, setting down the shell and his keys, he makes his way to follow the cries.

"Hey, Y/N, whats wrong?" he asks, kneeling next to her on the bathroom floor. She whines in answer, leaning her head on his chest like the clingy ill she is. "Come on, tell me what's wrong so I can do something."

"I was painting my book's shelf, the paint smell so bad, now my head hurts." she tells, closing her eyes and sighing to soothe the pain.

"Why you didn't used a mask?" JJ asked the obvious, his hands run through her hair slowly. She looked so small in his arms, he thought about telling her how he wished to put her in his pocket, but it sounded weird even in his thoughts.

"I didn't think it'd hurt so..." She leaned over the toiled, spilling her guts. JJ frowed, disgusted, but hold her hair back, one of his hands caressing circles in her back, he pouted, feeling sorry for her, feeling the need to care for her like a child.

"I'll run you a bath, come on." He said, standing up and turning on the bath faucet. Y/N flushed the toilet, leaning against the closet seat, she watched him furrowing his eyebrows at the soap bottles as to try to decide which was the right one. "You won't like this with... Patchihouly?"

"Patchouli." She giggles softly, her brain pounding against her skull "Urgh, just drop anything there."

"Right, right." he poured the soap on the water, bubbles filling the bath. "Get in." he turned around while she took off her robe, open the door to head out and give her privacy.

"You're not staying?" she whines inside the bathtub. He turns around, careful to not look to any place he shouldn't.

"Uhm..." He chuckles "Do you think that's a good idea?"

"Don't be silly. I just don't wanna be alone." Y/N pouts at him. "See?" Her hands shake the water, creating foam above the surface, hiding her body under the soap bubbles.

"Right." JJ sits besides the bed, on the floor. She is laid back with her head against the wall and a pain frown on her face.

"You're a great friend, Jay."

JJ just smiles in answer, his hand brushing the hair out of her face. His mind wonders, not about her chest is half above the bubbles, but about he would do anything to take all her pain away, and see her beautiful smile and shining eyes. He notices the corners of her mouth turning up a bit. "What?" He asks.

"You're staring. Stop."

"I'm not staring. I'm looking out for you. Feeling better?" He asks, brushing her hair off her face. "How's your head?"

"Gorgeous." She jokes, JJ sees its true though, her wet hair, tired eyes, red cheeks, wet and sweat skin...

"Of course" he chuckles brushing it off.

She whispers. "Just talk me away. How did you do today?"

The memory pops on his mind and he runs to the coffee table, coming back with the shell he reaches out for her. "Oh! Is for me? Thank you." she says excited, holding with appreciation the brown and white queen conch. He watches her put it over her ear like always, smiling like a little child. He chuckles. It was so easy to make her happy.

"Is so easy to cheer you up." He points out.

Her cheeks are red, he doesn't know now if that's cause of the hot water, her headache or his words.

"Guess is your superpower."

Her delicate fingers playing with the shell, running throught the stripes, lips blowing softly the drops of water. It's his turn to become burgundy like a school boy.