#update from taako central I trust no one and nothing

[cirwedh]

“Any character who didn’t die onscreen,” they say, but that’s not true, is it? Because several characters who have died onscreen have come back for subsequent games.

[theleila]

Taako: “Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I’ve updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing! Not a joke, I don’t trust you, half-pint, I don’t trust Jeff from Today’s Special, I don’t trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.”

Taako, 5 minutes later: “I trust Angus McDonald entirely.”

[buffskierights]

Incorrect Jaskier Quotes

Taako Taaco Edition - Part 1

Jaskier, after the mountain: Listen, I have an update from Jaskier Central. I’ve updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing! Not a joke, I don’t trust you, witch, I don’t trust Geralt of Rivia, I don’t trust Borch whatever-his-name- nobody. I trust nobody.

-

Jaskier, after bodyswapping with Yennefer: UGH, I can’t believe I’m so short, I hate this! Oh, by the way, I look amazing. Look at my hair and my cool puffy sleeves! I never really appreciated how beautiful I was when I was in my body and now that I’m this witch, this aberration, this woman the gods forgot, this living sin against aesthetics that is Yennefer of Vengerberg, I really appreciate me so much more.

-

Jaskier: Who stops serving pancakes at 9am?! I had to get Cheetos! Medieval Cheetos!

-

Ciri: Hello, Jaskier! Did you get my letters? Jaskier: Of course I did, Princess, I opened all of them and read them. Ciri: Why did you say that that weird? Jaskier: Nothing! I just, read them! All the words. Pictures? Were there pictu- no, just the words, I can tell from your face it was just words, no pictures. So, yes, I read all of the letters.

-

Geralt: Just- just one thing. One small criticism- um, I think you may have forgotten to make it taste good. Jaskier, learning to cook: I mean, there’s no accounting for taste. It’s more refined, it’s sort of- you know what it is? Geralt: But yuck- kind of yucky? It’s a little bit- Jaskier: Continental- it’s kind of, uhh... artisanal. Geralt: You’re kind of full of dogshit sometimes. Jaskier: That’s what it was, I forgot. I did include dogshit.

-

Jaskier, while threatening bandits: You’re really in trouble now, mister. I am going to call upon someone who inspires me every day to be a better bard and a better person. He’s my hero, really, and... you’re fucked. His name is Jaskier!

-

Jaskier: Geralt, I wanted to take this moment to tell you something. I- I stole Lambert’s shoes. And that seems cruel now, in retrospect, but I did like them very much, and I stole them, and then I lied to you about stealing them in Kaedwen. I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry for that. If you’re angry, I would like you to direct it at that gentleman over there. Yennefer: Um, as long as we’re making confessions, I should also say: Geralt, I am currently wearing those shoes. Jaskier: She is wearing the shoes. I gave her the shoes, Geralt, and she magicked them clean and in her size. I didn’t even steal them for me, I just stole them for kicks. Monster: *roars* Yennefer: Could you give us a second, please? We’re talking about shoes!

-

Geralt: Jaskier, I was trying to get out to get a message to you. I thought- I thought you were gone. I thought everything was gone. Jaskier: Well, you’re not that far off. Uh, it’s... but you’re right, there has been a terrible loss that you should know about. Jaskier: *takes off a glamoured ring to reveal his aging* Jaskier: So, I just wanted to be honest. I’m- I didn’t want to catfish you or anything. This is Jaskier today, um, I had a bad run in with the passage of time, and this is what I really look like. And I just wanted you to know that in case it changes anything for you, personally. I thought you should know, now. Geralt: Jaskier, I... was crazy about you, before some weird djinn nearly killed you and we met Yen and all that stuff happened. I love you, Jaskier, and at this point, I think that everyone on the Continent is going to love you after hearing your music, and nothing’s gonna change that. Jaskier, choked up: ... That was actually a test, your face is a corpse half the time.

[desiree-harding-fic]

Taako? Srry if you've already gotten this ask for the character list thing.

Anonymous Said: “for the list thing: Taako”

Don’t apologize! He’s my favorite boy!! (Well... one of my favorites)

Favorite thing about them: He’s not a good person but he loves his family and I also like love that he’s so quick-witted and funny. Sorry that was three but he’s complex and I love him.

Least Favorite thing about them: I think the one thing that peeves me/ that I don’t understand with Taako is that like... his determination not to do work? Like on legato, stealing quotes from other philosophers for fame had me like Taako babe come on,,,

Favorite Line: “Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I’ve updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing! Not a joke, I don’t trust you, half-pint, I don’t trust Jeff from Today’s Special, I don’t trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.”...”It’s a big ol’ void! All orbiting planet Taako! Of non-trust!”

It’s not his most profound but it always always makes me laugh.

brOTP: OK I said Barry for the last ask so after that Magnus for sure. I mean arms outstretched? These two are bros™️

OTP: Taakitz! Of course! A love story for the ages!

nOTP: I really don’t go in for Taagnus. It’s some people’s thing, but it’s not mine. I prefer them as friends. Also with Magnus’s established care for Julia throughout the series I don’t see him getting with Taako in that way. I’m very canon for taz ships. 

Random Headcanon: Every now and then I headcanon him as some variation of demisexual. Still gay but somewhere a little ace too.

Unpopular Opinion: I don’t actually think this is unpopular really, but taako is a bad person. He is not moral. He has some serious flaws in that department. He is not patient or forgiving or anything. I love him but he’s not at the top of my list for people I would put in charge of the world by a longshot.

Song I associate with them: I’m basic but Liquid Smooth or Nobody by Mitski.

favorite picture of them: This is my all-time favorite by @swearwolfcola whose taz work is all fantastic, but this image by @tvilling-taz has such Vibes™️ that I almost died.

[voidfishling]

One of the things I like most about Taako is how comically self-contradictory he is. I always like the Character Says A but Does B format, never fails to make me grin, and Taako is extra fun because he actually act more positively than he claims he is, which is a rare thing in this character trope.

Taako: Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. Uh, I’ve updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing!

Taako, a negligable amount of time later: Angus, I trust you implicitly.

He does this a lot, especially around Angus, and I was just really adoring this “involuntarily surpassing his own expectations” thing he had going on.

...and then I reached the Live in Atlanta 2018 show:

Taako: “And who might you be?”

Living fire: “My name is Cinder, nobody’s ever asked me my name before. Oh, what a great day this is turning out to be!”

Taako: “Consider yourself seen, Cinder, what’s your story?”

Cinder, moments later: * asks for fuel in exchange for information *

Taako, stone-cold: “Or we could stand here and watch you die.”

Sorry, the Taako brand of changing your mind goes two ways, terms and conditions do apply, your mileage will vary

[taz-quotes]

Taako: Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I’ve updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing! Not a joke, I don’t trust you, half-pint, I don’t trust Jeff from Today’s Special, I don’t trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.

[psqqa]

Taako: Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I’ve updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing! Not a joke, I don’t trust you, half-pint, I don’t trust Jeff from Today’s Special, I don’t trust Barold whatever his name - I trust nobody, nothing. And you’ve convinced me to add The Director and her crew, her coterie to that list, but it does not extend - it is no one. There is nothing and no one.

Taako, one (1) episode later: Angus, I trust you implicitly and here’s the exact 100% truth as we understand it because if anybody can fuckin’ figure out what’s going on, it’s you.

[summoningspark]

Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I’ve updated my list of men I trust and things I enjoy to no one and nothing! Not a joke, I don’t trust you, half-pint, I don’t trust Jeff from Today’s Special, I don’t trust Busto whatever his name - nobody, I trust nobody, nothing. And I’m - I have, you’ve convinced me to add Nick Robinson to that list, but it does not extend - it is no one. There is nothing and no one. 

[phemiec]

Taako for the animation thing: "I have an update from Taako central. Uh, I have updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing!

ohh!! that’s a really good one :DDD

[numberoneheroallmight]

taako: “listen, i have an update from taako central.  i’ve updated my list of people i trust and things i believe to no one and nothing.  not a joke”

taako, exactly one episode later:  “ angus, i trust you implicitly”

[cosmerart]

Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I’ve updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing! Not a joke, I don’t trust you, half-pint, I don’t trust Jeff from Today’s Special, I don’t trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody. . . . | 📸: @devontespencer | . . . #taako #taakocosplay #theadventurezonecosplay #thezonecast #highelf #dungeonmaster #dndcharacter #cosplay #roleplayinggame #rpg #warhammer #dandd #criticalrole #d20 #dnd #tabletopgames #taz #dice #cosplayer #nerd #fantasy #theadventurezone #tabletoprpg #originalcharacter #pathfinder #tabletop #animeweekendatlanta #animeweekendatlanta2019 #awa #awa2019 (at Anime Weekend Atlanta) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7bKGuBHrpP/?igshid=3uljxsiiwsqt

[miasmacaron]

“I have an update from Taako Central. Uh, I have updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing!”

[rileyomalley]

[kittleimp]

Therapist: Tell me how this week went

Me: Listen, I have an update from Taako central. Uh, I have updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing. Not a joke...I trust nobody and nothing.

[bisexualmarvelmagnusbane]

“an update from taako central…i’ve updated the list of people i trust and things i believe to no one and nothing”

hilarious and heartbreaking at the same time

[voidfishling]

Because @deepcomplaint foolhardily encouraged me, here it is:

I compare Taako to a Jane Austen character

Specifically Isabella Thorpe from Northanger Abbey.

What do they have in common? They’re both pretty, attention-seeking, selfish, beloved by me, and explicitly self-contradictory in their behaviour. They say one thing one moment and do/say the opposite the next, which is peak characterisation humour as far as I’m concerned. However, Isabella’s contradictions are negative. She starts sympathetic and then immediately reveals herself to be false, like the terrible child she is. Taako, on the other hand, makes a lot of noise about being unprincipled, but then turns around and does good anyway. He is better than he says he is and I adore that.

[Quotes and rambles under the cut.]

First off, here are Taako and Isabella, both contradicting themselves in the same breath, but in completely opposite directions:

Isabella: I trust I shall never be plagued with [Captain Tilney] again. The last time we met was in Bath Street, and I turned directly into a shop that he might not speak to me; I would not even look at him. He went into the pump-room afterwards; but I would not have followed him for all the world. Such a contrast between him and your brother! (Chapter 27)

Taako: Listen, Gerald… Gerald, we don’t even like Angus that much. And the thing about it is, he’s a good egg and I think if we tell him it’s simple misunderstanding where we did our best and came up empty handed he’s gonna understand. (Live Candlenights 2018 Spectacular)

Thereby comes that Isabella’s contradictoriness comes from a deliberate attempt at deception, while Taako hardly seems to realise he’s doing it.

Isabella, asking for sympathy: I have not been to the rooms this age, nor to the play, except going in last night with the Hodges, for a frolic, at half price.

—

Taako: Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. Uh, I’ve updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing! Taako, a negligible amount of time later: Angus, I trust you implicitly and here’s the exact 100% truth as we understand it because if anybody can fuckin’ figure out what’s going on, it’s you. So hook me up. (Ep 59)

Except, of course, when he’s 100% actively subverting expectations:

Justin: I strap the Flaming Ragining- [laughs] the Flaming Poisoning Raging Sword of Doom to my back, where it shall remain. Travis: You're not gonna let your ol' fighter buddy use that sweet-ass sword? Justin: No. (Ep 50)

Taako’s note to Magnus, accompanied by the summoning sapphire: Trust the voices in your head, and open your mouth, and let the first words you speak be “Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom.” (Ep 58)

And my favourite:

Justin: I scoop up a handful of the most expensive-looking gems I can find. Griffin: Fucking fantastic. Wonderful. You scoop up some wonderful, beautiful diamonds. Merle and Magnus, I think you can see what’s going on in this room at this point. Magnus: Taako! What the fuck! Taako: Hey, listen, guys, trust me for once.

~ skip to Roswell nearly kicking all their asses ~

Taako: So for what I’m gonna do, I had to get these really powerful gems. They have to be worth at least a thousand gold pieces in order for me to cast this. Griffin: Oh, fuck. Taako: My name is Taako, and you work for me now. Justin: And I cast Planar Binding. (Ep 46)

Basically, Isabella is a false friend trying to project a wholesome image, and she’s deplorably bad at it. While Taako isn’t neither noble or wholesome, but he has a much better heart than he likes to own up to, and it leads to his façade slipping whenever it really matters.

Does any of this have a specific point? Not really. Only that 1) I like my characters self-contradictory and 2) Taako is both a bitch and a good guy and Iove him for it.