#unreal after time on a foreign planet

[garochetarkinslicersimlish]

[cornballl]

Sadist Gauntlet

Okita x fem!reader (eventual) smut

summary: You profess your love to Okita and you said you’d do anything to be with him. He puts that claim to the test the way he knows best.

Tags: degradation/humiliation, s/m, etc.

chapter 1 | chapter 2

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT 🔞

Ever since you came to Edo, you couldn’t help but have many fateful encounters with the Shinsengumi. It’s hard to acclimate to the laws of a foreign planet, you found yourself making careless mistakes and getting scolded often for different kinds of misconduct. Every time though you would hope and pray you’d see that light brown-haired man. He stuck out so hard amongst the rugged-looking men, yet he stood alongside them as an equal. He was so handsome and passive, you’d look to him to uplift the shame you felt for causing such a fuss. Somehow he was an oasis in a desert of frankly rude police officers.

Over time you’d learn his name was Okita Sougo. He was the captain and one of the youngest members of the force; his soft appearance left no indication of his prowess. He was like the thorns on a rose; despite its intended purpose to intimidate and ward off people you found yourself so engrossed by this.

You’d see him less and less as you began to finally cause less trouble. Sometimes you’d want to act up just to be able to see him again, but it wasn’t always a guarantee. It was hard trying to piece whether what you felt was simply infatuation and surface level physical attraction. Deep down though it was no secret how you felt. After some sleepless nights, you acquired the resolve to tell him how you feel. Whether it was reciprocated or not wasn’t of concern, these words unspoken just had to leave your mind before you miss your chance.

It was a new day. You were all dressed and ready in a new yukata, one that showed off your legs. Now hesitating, you wondered if what you were doing was even appropriate. If anything you could get slain on sight for just waltzing into the headquarters of law enforcement. You looked at yourself in the mirror, uncertainty and doubt starting to plague your mind.

In the corner of your vision, though, you see someone in black walk past your open window. You had to double-take: you look at your mirror and see a familiar brunet starting to leave your sight. “Oh my god, this is my chance, thank you so much!!!” You clap your hands together and bow your head, quickly breaking for the front door.

He was almost out of sight, the top of his beautiful head was getting smaller as he walked into the maze of alleyways. Sprinting wasn’t in the picture you painted in your mind of what today had in store, but you couldn’t blow your chance. You ran after him, calling out his name.

“Sougo! Please wait!” He stopped in his tracks and turned around, the gods were truly showering you with abundance today. “Oh, it’s y/n. Are you still terrorizing the place? Are the reports I’ve gotten about you?” You let out a hoarse laugh, shaking your head as you tried to catch your breath. “I needed to talk to you about something. Can you come over here?” You gesture to an empty alley, the perfect place to spare you from the awkwardness of getting rejected in public.

It was just you and him now. That princely face is all yours to look at right now. Seriously, your luck was unreal. “What did you want to tell me?” His flat tone made your heart skip a beat, the reality of the situation sank in as he said that. I can’t blow this. Now is my only chance. You took a deep breath and cleared your throat.

“I’ve just always been enraptured by your hard work, your tenacity…no matter what you do you’re so captivating— I can’t keep my eyes off you! That’s why I finally have to get this off my chest….. I like you! I’d do anything to be with you!”

His expression hardly changed, it’s like he’s looking through you. You can’t help but fidget waiting for his reply.

“Anything?”

You were taken aback: it wasn’t the confession itself but the stipulation he’s more interested in?

“Y-yes! Anything! I mean it! I meant everything I said wholeheartedly, Okita, I-“

He grabbed your wrist and snatched you forward, your faces are hairs apart.

“That’s master to you. Don’t say my name so casually. Know your place.” His eyes were voids peering into yours, he was absolutely serious. You could only meekly swallow your remaining words.

He chuckled, “That’s a good start. If you meant what you said you’ll keep this up for your master, right? And do anything I say too?”

The pounding in your chest just got faster, the stirring in your stomach was relentless. You heard rumors of his sadistic nature, but this caught you by surprise. His response to your profession was domineering commands…..

You were so wet all of a sudden, it’s unreal. That gaze, his lips breaths away from yours, the hushed and gruff tone he suddenly spoke to you with…. It was driving you crazy. You already admired Okita for who he was, and now you get to witness this? Be the receiver of this side of him?

“Absolutely, master.” You breathlessly spoke, your eyes were fleeting from his intensity.

He grabbed your face and pressed his lips on yours, freeing your wrist and quickly moving to your waist to hold you against him. It was all so much. You surrender yourself to him, melting in his arms and parting your mouth to welcome his tongue. He pulled away, however, that leer unwavering.

Your face was still squished in his tight grasp. He looked down at the mess he made. “You look pathetic. Open your mouth.” You could feel how red you were, drool starting to seep out of your mouth, his grip tightening. It’s so embarrassing, what a turn this all took. It only got tighter, your mouth was being forced open. “What happened to doing anything for me? If you mean it you’ll be a good girl and open your mouth for me.”

A good.. a good girl? Why does that resonate so much with you, his words made your pussy ache and throb.

It all clicked, you’re his good girl, you said you’d listen to him, and in return, he’ll call you his good girl. You’re the receiver and he’s your master. If you do as he says you’ll get more of those tantalizing words of his...

You opened your mouth, tongue lolling out slightly. You finally looked up to him again and saw a sinister grin spread across his face; what an addicting sight. “The face you’re making right now is so ridiculous, you look like a mindless whore. It’s perfect.” You shudder at his degradation. “Stay just like that.”

He closed his mouth and moved close, you brace yourself for what’s to come. Your eyes meet and it sends you over the edge, the way he looks at you in sadistic mode was making your toes curl, your body throughout was physically reacting to the arousal. He opened his mouth and out flooding came drool. He held his tongue right above yours and let it all out, never breaking eye contact. He wanted to watch you squirm and react, he was inciting it. All you could do though was swallow.

“Wow. You’re not just any whore, you’re a dirty whore? I didn’t expect that. Breaking you won’t be as hard as I thought.” Your knees started to buckle underneath you, it took so much of your strength to contain just how overwhelming but good it felt to be treated like this. You could feel your wetness start to leak onto your thighs.

“You’re great at listening, bratty types are irritating. Sneak into the headquarters tonight and meet me in the dojo. You best not keep me waiting either, you’ll regret it.” He released your face and you fell to the ground, the sensory overload finally catching up to you

“Yes, master..” It took everything within you to muster that; your chest was heaving and the adrenaline wouldn’t stop despite it being over as soon as it started. All you could think about is what he had in store later tonight.

[embrassemoi]

Surrounded by the Moon and Stars ✷ 29

Pairings: Sirius B, F!Reader, Remus L Warnings: Language, angst, insecurities, blood, darkish thoughts (self-hatred), fighting, violence Author's Note: heavy chap. if you’re having a bad day, take a moment, be kind to yourself and put off reading this until you feel better 💜

【 Masterlist | Previous Chapter | Playlist 】

Chapter 29: That Pet You Just Couldn't Keep

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Remus woke up to a bright, white light. He squinted, head lolling to the side of his lumpy pillow. The chair near his bedside was empty, saved from a pitcher of water along with a few potions Madam Pomfrey must’ve left for him, were placed on the stand beside his bed.

Something wasn’t right. Peter or one of the other Marauders were always there waiting for him after his transformations.

Too hot for a blanket in June, he ripped off his covers and noticed the bumpy, large material hiding beneath his nightgown. He licked his lips, letting air whistle down his dry throat while a sharp, burning sensation flooded his abdomen. Remus winched, groaning out while stretching to drink the potions and water. Although, as he brought the glass vials to his lips, he noticed that his arm was littered with scratches and bruises. Curious, he lifted the slit of the gown to see a large wrapping across his lower stomach and bruises in the shape of lopsided circles and rectangles travelling across his body.

Remus felt his face scrunch. Ever since the Marauders had become animaguses, he hardly sustained any injuries aside from the occasional limp or flimsy scratch. There was usually an absence of pain nowadays, not an overload of it.

What caught his attention was the scent of human blood. His senses were always heightened the week leading up to the full moon and the week following, so it was particularly strong. It caused his head to spin like planets performing a celestial dance.

Preoccupied with the scent, Remus didn’t notice someone slipping into the room.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” A fuzzy Peter came into view. He went to sit on the edge of his bed sporting a nervous look.

“Was wondering where you were.” Remus relaxed at his appearance.

“Yeah… Erm — been busy.”

Soon enough, another sharp pain stabbed at his abdomen again. “Fuck — what happened last night?”

Wormtail sucked in sharply as he wiggled in his seat uncomfortably. “I… something terrible happened. Bollocks, Moons — I’m sorry...”

Remus felt his spine prickle with needles. “What?”

“We should wait until Dumbledore or James comes back.”

“Dumbledore?!”

Ghostly pale, Peter was on the verge of fainting. Remus took another deep inhale. This time, he smelt blood, but it was coming off of Peter and a few other foreign scents lingered on him. Was that… Y/N? And… Snape? Remus scanned Peter, noticing the droplet of red on his shoes.

“Pete,” his voice dropped to an icy whisper, “Whose blood is that?”

He remained quiet.

Remus moved to prop himself up on the bed. “What happened?”

As Peter spoke, every word made Remus recline into himself and he was left unsure of how to feel. The overload of information put him into a state of complete shock. His vision faded in and out, suddenly feeling very cold and dizzy compared to the hot weather.

He distantly heard Peter trying to gain his attention but stared blankly at the metal bed frame.

“Say something,” his friend tried, sounding desperate. He didn’t even know how long he’d been quiet for.

Remus worked through the betrayal in nine steps. It helped make sense of his emotions. To categorize them — making it easier to file away.

1. Shock & denial

“No,” he said, barely moving a muscle in his face. “That's impossible! Padfoot would never…”

Peter watched him pitifully. Remus’ eyes blinked rapidly, heart pounding. “I’m sorry.”

2. Process what happened (or try to)

“He… told… Snape?” He asked despite Peter repeating the story multiple times.

“Sirius was mad at Sniv — Snape, and he was provoked by —”

“I didn’t hurt him, did I? I didn’t hurt anyone?”

“He’s fine.”

“Then why won’t you tell me what happened to me? Why was I bleeding?”

He refused to look him in the eyes and Remus felt terror ebb it's way through his skin. “Answer me!”

“As I said, L/N and Snape got into a row… she heard Sirius tell him and she went to save him…”

“Don’t you dare lie to me.”

Wormtail took a deep breath. “You… nicked her a bit and James’ antler broke off in you because… he was trying to get you off of her…”

Remus was rooted in place. What Peter just said was unreal. His stomach twisted painfully. He blinked. “Y/N’s hurt? I hurt her?”

“Yes — no! That was Snape —” “Is she here? Did I bite her?”

“You didn’t and yeah but —” “Move out of my way.” He pushed himself up wobbly.

“You lot a lot of blood, sit —”

“Get out of my way!” He threatened. Remus pushed Peter to the side, clambered to his feet. Remus gripped the bed tightly and felt a few seams rip open and blood began to faintly seep through his white bandages.

He staggered around, ripping back the curtains until he saw Y/N. Limping up to her bed, Remus almost burst into tears when he saw her. She looked so tiny, curled up and engulfed in blankets and pillows. Her ankle was propped up, head bandage and skin dull.

It felt like Peter had poured a bucket of freezing cold water on him.

He hurt her. Almost got her and Snape killed or infected. Could have hurt Prongs and Wormtail…

He was a fucking monster.

He should be put down.

From how loud he was, running around the wing, Y/N’s eyes fluttered open. She attempted to stretch, groaning out in pain. But then, her eyes flickered up to him and she froze. Her hand shot up protectively to her chest and face as instinctively went for her wand but stopped. Genuine fear flashed through her, making Remus instantly want to cry. It felt like an eternity passed as she gripped her sheets and opened her mouth.

She was going to scream — to take him away — call him a monster — to cry or yell for Madam Pomfrey or —

But Y/N’s body relaxed. A tried smile twisted and gaze dissipated with fear, replaced with nothing but understanding and softness; she even went as far to touch his hand but Remus wrenched it back.

“Ta-da!” She croaked. “I lived.”

Remus didn’t smile, only staring horrified.

“Yeah, that was a hit or miss...” Peter interjected. He stood behind him, ensuring that if he fell, he’d be there to catch Remus. He continued to stare like she grew another set of eyes.

“What?” Her grin deflated. “Am I that irresistible?”

That pulled a breathy laugh from Remus as he shook his head. Why wasn’t she disgusted with him?

“Thank Merlin, you’re both awake.” All their heads turned to James’s floating head before he pulled off the invisibility cloak.

James moved to pull Remus into a large hug, whispering an ‘I’m sorry’ into his ear. He held him for a while before breaking off, going to embrace Y/N who wheezed.

“Ouch.”

“My bad, my bad!” He pulled back and slipped into bed with her. Peter forced Remus to sit on the edge of her bed while he stood.

A million thoughts ran through his head. He wanted to get away, to run — not even be in the same room as her. Remus wanted to think, to make any sense of what happened.

What the fuck happened? He couldn’t even process it.

She remembered everything, right? Surely she wouldn’t be this calm had she.

“Oh, wait — Lupin, are you alright? I swear a deer came at you last night.”

James chuckled out loud, breaking Remus out of his thoughts as he looked at him and Peter. “I guess there’s no point for secrets anymore.”

Y/N looked at them questioningly, her eyes squinting from the bright light before Peter went to close the blinds shut. James got off the bed, smiling widely at Remus and Peter got onto the bed instead.

“Ugh — Pete? James? What —”

A loud gasp ripped from her mouth as she jerked away from James who turned into a very large stag and Peter into a fat brown rat.

Remus could almost cry at how comical her face looked.

James was so large that he had to take a few steps back to prevent his antlers from poking one of their eyes out and Remus noticed that one was gone.

He felt sick again. A hand drifted to his stomach.

“Holy shit! Oh my god!” Y/N went to graze a finger on Peter’s fur before turning to James with shaky hands to touch one of his antlers and patting him on the head. She was speechless as her mouth open several times before forcing out, “You're really Bambi!”

James turned back, taking his glasses off to clean. “I wanted to be a lion — for Gryffindor, y’know.”

“You can’t choose, I wouldn’t be a rat.” Peter grimaced.

“They’re highly intelligent. Nothing to worry about.” James reassured and ruffled his hair.

“When did you guys learn to do this?”

“We’ve been at it for three years now. We finally were able to do it in August before school started.”

She shook her head, staring in awe.

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Dumbledore came to speak to everyone later that day.

Remus had been dreading it once he came into the wing and began speaking to Y/N, a buzzing sound filling his ear. All Remus was left to do was twiddle his thumbs, waiting and completely disoriented.

When he finally approached him, Dumbledore lost his usual twinkle in his eyes. He made sure to close the long vertical blinds and again, the room filled with a low buzzing sound.

“How are you doing?” He asked. Remus, had he been in the right mindset, would have prevented the scoff escaping him. Dumbledore didn’t react but continued. “Miss L/N is recovering well and Mr. Snape didn’t receive any injuries. Just a fright.”

Remus nodded, that was good, but he remained quiet.

“Snape’s been persuaded to act accordingly for the best interest of his fellow pupils and L/N gave her word.”

Remus choked back a laugh. Snape was going to, no matter what, let his secret slip somehow.

“You’re also exempt from the Transfiguration exams, both you and Miss L/N. You’ve both sustained a degree of varying head injuries and you’ll be graded on a cumulative from McGonagall.”

Dumbledore was forcing Remus to the edge as he bit down on his inner cheek. It was useless to listen to him. “Are you expelling me?”

“No. You should not bear any blame.”

“Dumbledore, no offence, but are you mental?” Remus sputtered adding, “I endangered four students last night.”

“Yes but —” “The next time we won’t be so lucky. I’m a monster, sir. I should be.”

The headmaster sighed. “Remus, give yourself a bit of credit. Think highly of yourself.”

Remus gave a dry laugh, almost baffled at how Dumbledore was acting. Did he just gloss over the fact he could have gotten students infected? He wouldn’t be able to live with himself had he. “How can I?”

“Well Y/N seemed to think very highly of you. She made you a very compelling case along with your friends, Potter, Pettigrew and Black.”

“Black’s not my friend,” Remus countered. He didn’t care about how rude he was being.

“Remus —”

“Is he expelled?”

“No.” The answer had Remus wheeling, anger spiking. “He’s not.”

“Why not? If it isn’t my fault, that I’m not to blame then why isn’t he? He told them how to find me.”

“I understand that this is a very difficult situation and rest assured, Sirius will be punished. I can promise you. But expulsion isn’t the answer.”

Remus refused to look at Dumbledore and he must've realized he was getting nowhere with him. He stood but before leaving, he gave a pitiful look.

“I have done terrible deeds, indulged in foolish pranks that I have lived to regret, but each has been a valuable learning experience. It’s a pity that it came to this. Learn in your heart to forgive, Remus. The world is already filled with too much hate.”

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June 16th, 1976

3. Sadness & pain

Remus had been avoiding the Marauder’s dorm. He’d gone as far as begging Madam Pomfrey (who’d taken pity because she knew what happened) to let him stay another two nights before getting kicked out. Remus always healed physically faster and his wounds were already healed by the third day. Pathetically, he’d been sleeping in dingy passageways or the prefects’ bathroom before relocating after being harassed by the ghosts.

Remus had a plan, avoid them; skip classes, get longer prefect duties, never staying in one spot for too long. He wouldn’t know what would happen if Snape saw him. Although, whatever Dumbledore told him, it kept Snape quite so far. But tonight, he got tired of Moaning Myrtle sobbing.

Before curfew, Remus made it a habit of visiting Y/N, who was still stuck in the wing; both out of guilt and because she was his friend, but he couldn't stay for long — seeing her like that made him wallow in guilt.

Similar to him, Lily had visited, along with the other girls, every day. Today, Lily stayed a little longer, bleeding into the time Remus usually dropped by. He watched as Lily whisper into her ear, causing Y/N to laugh and Lily blush madly as she sat snug by her side. Not wanting to ruin their moment, Remus went to leave before they had the chance to see him.

Remus had another pressing matter anyway.

He entered one of the nearest bathrooms to give himself some sort of pep talk and stared at the mirror.

You can do this. A voice echoed in his head.

Typically, memories from the full moon came back to Remus a few days or even weeks later, his brain usually too foggy a couple of hours after and even then, he would never fully remember everything. He vaguely remembered seeing a flash of Snape’s face and Prongs but Y/N’s screams were one of the clearer memories from that night.

“REMUS! PLEASE REMUS! STOP!”

Remus looked to stare at himself in the mirror. He observed the scar on the bridge of his nose, feeling bile rush up his throat at the sight.

He was a freak, littered with scars covering himself.

He was disgusting.

Ugly.

Pathetic.

Dangerous.

A monster!

4. Anger

Sirius Black had always been loyal, so what changed that night?

He needed to leave. It was no good staying here anymore.

Remus was shaking with rage, twinged with hurt. He paced outside of the common room door and had a few options running through him. Either start a huge fight with Sirius or just… ignore it.

Avoidance.

Maybe he could ignore Sirius forever? Impossible, surely. Sirius would get bored, anxious within a couple of weeks — that was too generous — a few days sounded right.

With his mind made up, Remus crept up to his room. He could hear the faint shouts of James and pondered about just sleeping in the common room or prefects’ bathroom. Even if he did have to listen to Moaning Myrtle.

Maybe because his senses were still coming down from its peak or James was just brash, but Remus didn’t even have to press his ear on the door.

“— done ENOUGH! — hear me? You better — why are YOU crying? You bloody — understand? Understand?! You will not talk — him — best friends my —”

The only person he's told he was coming back was Wormtail and it sounded like he told Prongs.

Remus didn’t care to listen anymore as he pushed open the door. Pete was sitting on his bed, eyes wide at Remus’ presence surrounded by unwrapped wrappers. He always tended to eat while stressed.

Sirius was looking down at the floor as James stood in front of him, scolding him like a child. But, his head shot up once he walked through the door. Out of his peripheral vision, he could see his eyes bloodshot, puffy and circles dark. He didn’t dare look at him.

Remus didn’t acknowledge them, instead moving robotically to the bathroom, changing into his holey yet comfortable clothes before scurrying off to bed, swinging his curtains shut before casting a silencing spell around.

He’d plan to adhere to his avoidance strategy. It worked so far.

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June 18th, 1976 | 1:29 am

“Psst… Moony.”

Remus turned over to face him. “What do you want Peter?”

“Just wanted to check up. You okay?”

“What do you think? Please, leave me alone.” And then closed his bed drapes.

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June 19th, 1976 | 11:37 pm

Peter had crept up to his bed again as Remus laid there awake, thoughts swarming him.

“I’m not in the mood. I’m tired.” He moved to turn over and forced his eyes closed.

Peter had been nothing but amazing. Always thinking about him and his needs but what Remus wanted most was to be alone and Peter's pity and worried features did nothing but make Remus feel like shit.

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June 21st, 1976

In life, there are few things that are certain. Getting older, death, taxes… No matter how hard we try, no matter how good our morals are or our intentions, we all will eventually make mistakes. It’s either as small as burning your food or writing the wrong answer down on a test, but you’re also going to fuck up pretty bad and hurt people. Say something — do something you don’t mean and it’ll end up with both sides hurt. If you want forgiveness, there’s multiple solutions to gain that back, but the two words — obvious, there, waving in front of your face — can be the hardest words to say.

“I’m sorry.” Black muttered for the hundredth time that night. His voice was pushing Remus to the edge as he kept his face straight. Dead. Not once taking Sirius’ shitty apology baits. He continued to stare down at his book, reading silently in his dorm. His teeth hurt from how hard he was clenching his jaw.

Remus was right, of course, he was fucking right. Black had grown anxious as he ignored him.

“I’m sorry.”

Remus never really considered himself violent. Sure, he’s gotten into rows that ended with a punch or hex here or there, but Remus didn’t have violent thoughts. If anything, he prided himself on not being a bonehead like Black and Prongs. But, it took every ounce not to beat the shit out of Black right there and then.

Bastard. Scumbag. You mother fucking betrayer.

Remus never liked not being in control. Not having it scared him too much, feeling more animal than man. He did everything to avoid being violent, the wolf was already violent enough and had too much control and Remus refused to let it dictate human him. There was already too much violence, he never wanted to contribute more.

He did everything not to be a monster. But it's like the wolf roared from deep within, scratching and begging to let him pounce.

Remus wasn’t violent — anyone who met him would vouch for that. Fuck, if he saw a spider, he would open a nearby window and release it. But now, he wanted to slam Sirius against a wall and wrap his hands around his neck and squeeze.

You piece of shit. Wanker. Twat. I want you to feel as much pain as I do.

“Moony, please let me explain —”

All the words suddenly blurred before Remus slammed his book shut, causing to become still and quiet.

Sirius trying to explain — excuse his actions — pushed him over the edge. Remus sent a venomous glare at Sirius, waiting for him to talk. His quietness made everyone uneasy.

Selfish bastard.

Any sympathy Remus held for him this past year, along with any logic, evaporated to the point where he felt a rabid thump spread through him. There was a desperation to relieve himself of it — lash out, scream, cry —

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it,” the rest of the Marauders watched the scene, knowing not to get involved. “It was a mistake and —“

“A mistake?”

Sirius perked up at this. That was the only word he’d spoken to him since the incident. “Honest. I did it because —” “Shut the fuck up.” Remus stood, tall and loomed over Sirius. He could almost smell the fear off him.

He had never been so mad before.

“I — I… I,” stutters Remus. But instead of it being out of shyness or nerves, it was out of pure wrath that he wasn’t able to articulate his emotions properly. He took a deep breath in, attempting to regain control over his emotions but failed as he burned with deep, seething hatred. “I am the monster that mothers tell their children to keep them in at night.”

“Moony —”

“Don’t call me that!” His voice boomed so loud that everyone in the room had to take a step back and shrink down. Remus was always so reserved, only ever lashing out in annoyance close to the full moon but nothing more.

“Living up to your name, aren’t you?” There’s a sarcastic, bitter humour lilt to his voice.

Someone so in control of his emotions, someone with an unbreakable exterior, the only glimpses they’d ever seen of Remus losing control was him snapping at someone close to the full moon but would later apologize within mere seconds. But to see him like that… it was an intrusion, something the Marauders hadn’t ever seen or wanted to before.

“Please, just calm down so we can talk.”

Remus paces around the room. “You — y’know I’ve never understood why everyone lets you get around treating others like shit. First, it was Marlene, James, me, Peter, Lily and Y/N — we all let you get away with it. Outburst after outburst, we all sat back because you were going through shit. But I can’t? I’m not allowed to get angry?!”

Sirius wouldn’t look at him.

“Look at me.” Remus kept his voice low throughout the ordeal, only ever raising if Black interjected. “You coward, look at me!”

5. A lot of anger

He couldn’t meet his eyes so he settled to stare at the scar across his nose. It only angered him more as Remus picked Sirius up and pushed him against the wall as he fisted his shirt.

“I’m sorry.”

Sorry is nothing but a word to you. I gave you my most trusted secrets. I confided in you. I was there for you when you needed it. I loved and cared for you like my own brother but I was nothing more than a pet that you discarded when you got bored. You’re only guilty because of the repercussions you’re facing. Your guilt isn’t nearly enough. Bastard. I trusted you. You’re a Marauder. My best friend. I would’ve done anything for you. You fucking ruined it.

“You did this! You did!”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

He laughs, mocking and loud, void of any emotion. “No, you aren’t. You’re never fucking sorry!”

Stupid fucking selfish arsehole.

“For years you’ve told me that you accepted me — cared for me — loved me like your own brother! That what I am — a-a monster — that it didn’t matter!”

“It didn’t mean anything, I promise! It was a shitty, fucked up prank —”

“A prank?! You used me as a weapon! A toy because how could anyone ever love a werewolf?” Remus’ voice was so low. “You’ve never respected me. If you had any, you wouldn’t have — you - wouldn’t....”

Everything came crashing on Remus at once.

6. The realization settles in

And after nine days, Remus Lupin had finally realized what Sirius Black had done. Before, everything he felt had been true but he hadn’t fully realized the gravity of what happened, as silly as it sounds.

Sirius turned his worst fear into a living nightmare.

In the background, one of James’ Quidditch posters, encased in glass exploded, shattering into millions of pieces from the amount of pure magic radiating off Remus. He didn’t even flinch at the sound.

James finally interjected, placing a hand on Remus’ shoulder. “Lay off him… He isn’t worth it.”

Remus eased off Black instantly. “You had no right… no right…” He pointed. Remus turned his face down as he felt tears build up.

“I trusted you,” he whispers. “Every bit.”

Remus stormed out of the dorm, going to sleep in the common room.

━━━━━━━━━༻☽༺━━━━━━━━━

June 22nd, 1976

7. Depression

When Remus finally let himself cry, he didn’t make a move to leave his bed. Even skipping meal times, leaving James or Pete to bring him food.

Everything felt suffocating, a gnawing feeling that made every part of him ache. Remus couldn’t handle anymore pain or emotions from ‘the prank’ as he felt himself slip into a temporary void.

He hugged his pillow tighter and closed his eyes once more.

━━━━━━━━━༻☽༺━━━━━━━━━

June 23rd, 1976 | 11: 37 pm

Remus had gone straight to bed again, effectively shutting up the rest of the dorm. James was ignoring Black, leaving Remus surprised that he hadn’t made a move to defend his actions. Nonetheless, he was appreciative still. Peter had been trying to appease everyone, not taking sides but still must’ve thought Sirius was in the wrong because he hadn’t talked to him much.

He didn’t ask James to choose between him or Black. Remus was never one for ultimatums but even then, it seemed like James picked him. He was beyond furious, seemingly more than Remus at this point who pathetically wallowed in his depression. He wouldn’t spare Black a second glance, wouldn’t talk to him, shut him down if he tried to speak to him. Hell, he’d even gone as far as to make it very clear to the entirety of Hogwarts that they were no longer friends, making sure to not sit with him, ever. Always choosing to sit by Remus.

They chose his side and a part of Remus felt elated to know they had his back.

This left Black alone, looking at them through tearful gazes. Remus had been ignoring all of them and they seemed to be understanding, avoiding crossing the wordless boundary Remus set in stone.

But, both James and Peter had been checking up on him nightly, always there and he could tell they were getting impatient.

When the lights went out, he heard James crept out of bed. Usually, Remus would find some sort of comfort in knowing who was approaching him, but now, it only left him feeling uneasy.

And then he felt the bed dip and James muttered out a spell.

“Hey, Moony.”

Remus didn’t face him. “Prongs?”

“Hey,” there was a loud sigh, “Do you need anything?”

What was he supposed to say? A hug? To talk? He’d much rather use his avoidance strategy, although he realized it left him alone with too many thoughts and nobody to confide in.

“M’good.” He felt James place a hand on his shoulder.

“I’ll always be there for you. That’s what Marau - that’s what friends are for, no?”

Remus didn’t answer and felt James move to leave. But before he had the chance to slip out, Remus peeked his head from the drapes, announcing just loud enough for Sirius to hear.

“Thanks for saving all of us, James. You’re a true friend.”

━━━━━━━━━༻☽༺━━━━━━━━━

June 24th, 1976

People had their poisons.

Alcohol can make you forget. It blocks out everything and makes the rest of the world fade away until you can’t remember. People gambled to feel a rush, only to realize they dug themself into irreversible debt. Shopping, food, the high from risky behaviour…

But how we manage our poisons is up to the person.

People love to deny that they have addictions. They deny they’re hooked, they deny that they can’t put it down, they deny that they’re scared or want to stop. People only see what they want to see, believe what they want to believe.

And then the truth becomes muddled with lies that it’s hard to recognize the poisons sitting right in front of us. And all we want is more.

For Remus, his poison, his bright red self-destruction button, was smoking.

Granted, he never was a big smoker, typically only smoking when stressed or bored. But he still did it, filling his lungs with poison. But maybe he was wired like that. Besides, what werewolf lives past thirty? Might as well die revelling in the poison that brought him ease…

Remus conjured a ball of bright fire from his hand; fishing out a pack of cigarettes, slipped it past his lips and lit it. He inhaled, feeling the familiar, comforting feeling before dragging it from his lips, blowing out the thick cloud of smoke that left him wanting more.

He’d been sticking to his avoidance tactic strictly now. The Marauders were hovering over him, worry evident on their faces. A few times, Lily and James both invited him to sit. They never fought anymore, or at least in front of him, and it probably was his doing — a group effort into getting him to talk.

So even Lily knew something was wrong… Snape probably told her…

The door clicked open and Remus didn’t have to turn around to know how it was.

“Leave me alone. I’m not ready to talk.”

“Wasn’t gonna make you.”

He spun around, that wasn’t James or Peter. His face softened.

“Well… I’m not,” Y/N said simply, “But the others are about to.”

Remus groaned at that but Y/N smiled and turned around, ushering him over with a little wave. In one hand, she raised the Marauder’s map. “C’mon, I know a place and that they won’t be able to find.”

Remus was intrigued. He stepped out the butt of the cigarette, flicked it into the trash and followed her. Surely he’d already been there but being with Y/N seemed ten folds better than being around the other Marauders.

He followed wordlessly, passageways flying through his head but she never stopped by them. Instead, she climbed onto a ledge, slipping into an area under a large curtain. He followed, eyes lighting up in awe. He’s definitely never been there before.

“Get comfortable,” she said, flinging him a pillow and lighting a few candles.

They sat opposed to each other in complete silence. Y/N flicked back and forth, watching James and Peter scrabble around the castle looking for him. A few times, they passed by, each time leaving Y/N amused.

Remus tapped his leg anxiously. The question remained: Why wasn’t she disgusted with him? Why was she helping him? Why wasn’t she afraid?

Now alone together, those questions dangled on his tongue.

“Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

She looked up at him, finally putting down the map. “Because you’re Remus.” She said, like it was the most obvious answer. “You’re not scary.”

8. Hold onto doubt

The answer irritated him. Another memory unfolded then and he blurted it out. “Why didn’t you cast any spells at me?”

Her brows rose, “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“I’m dangerous.” His voice was bleak and cold. “Why can't you grasp that?”

She stays quiet for a long time, her head turning to look out the large window. Y/N watched the owls and labyrinth of ancient trees of the forbidden forest and Remus was painfully aware of time slipping by.

“Do you remember that night on the astronomy tower on Halloween? I said that there’s bound to be someone looking at the moon at the same time?”

It takes Remus a moment to remember, but he does. “Yeah. You said that it’s like you’re not alone.”

Y/N turns around to face him. “Exactly. You don’t have to be alone in this.”

He looked away, deliberating. “It’s one thing for me to be alone but then drag you and others down with me.”

“Remus, I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t scared. I was terrified. I thought that was it.” He gulped. “But I could never be scared of you. The real you - the you right now. I don’t care about what you are. You are more than just a werewolf. I feel safe with you.”

The dark shadows surrounded them as she reiterated herself. “You don’t have to be alone in this.”

He soaks in her words for a while. This time, peering out the window as he breathes in deeply.

Okay. He decided.

“Do you want to know how I got —” he pointed at a scar on his upper forearm. “— this?”

She nodded her head.

“When James turned into his animagus form to show me for the first time, his antlers pierced my skin. I had to lie to Pomfrey and say I fell while playing Quidditch.”

Any invisible barrier between them crashed instantly as she smiled brightly and laughed. So infectious, Remus couldn't help but flash a real grin.

He never realized how beautiful her smile was.

“Oh, and if you ever tell anyone about this place, I’ll skin you.”

“I would never.”

Remus scouted over to her, pressing his back against the cool stone as they sat together in a comfortable stillness. But then she shifted, opening her arms wide. He lent in without hesitation and her arms flung around his neck, pulling him into a tight embrace.

He felt salty tears stinging in the corners of his eyes and let himself soak in her warm.

He really needed that.

Over her shoulder, he returned to watch the stars.

9. Acceptance

Remus learned from a young age that it was better to keep people at an arm's length. Get too close, they’ll dig, find out his condition, fear him and run.

He hates to say it, but he’s not surprised that his secret slipped out. He got too comfortable, got too close... It’s just that the Sirius component was surprising.

But maybe it wasn’t surprising. Ever since the beginning of the year, especially since winter break, Sirius had been reckless more and more lately, and he probably should have seen it coming. He was wild as a result of being freed from the confines of his rigid upbringing.

Sirius Black was unpredictable.

Sirius Black was dangerous when it came to secrets.

Sirius Black was one of his best friends.

Sometimes betrayal is so profound that there’s no way to fix what was lost. The damage is done, irreplaceable, unfixable.

If Remus was sure of anything by the end of that week was that,

a) James Potter and Peter Pettigrew were still his best friends,

b) He almost killed Severus Snape and Y/N L/N,

c) Y/N knew his secret and despite everything, continued to talk to him, support him, be there for him — she accepted him,

d) His walls went up a higher, became stronger and insecurities ran deeper,

e) Lastly, Remus Lupin would never, ever forgive Sirius Black for what he did. Never.

━━━━━━━━━༻☽༺━━━━━━━━━

【 Next Chapter 】

© gotkindabored 2021. Do not repost or modify

[jakes-dog-layla]

Okay but imagine going on a Road trip with Haechan?!

Like just imagine! Riding one of those roofless cars (you know what I mean) and just stretching your hands up to the sky as you let out a scream, ofc not a horrified one but just one that sounded like pure joy and excitement! Enjoying your freedom and youth right beside your best friend, Haechan, who was driving the car, there were times during the trip where you’d just glance over you’re shoulder and you’d see him, for a moment he looked so surreal— how he looked, exposed to the warm radiant sun— you had no words to describe how unreal he looked, it’s as if the sun was created just to show off his beautiful features, just the way the warm, bright sun complimented his beautiful tanned skin— the way it made him look like he was glowing and how his brown hair looked golden under the yellow rays of light, if Apollo were to exist, you were 10000000000000000 x ♾% sure that he’d look EXACTLY like Haechan but you’d immediately shrug these thoughts out of your head as you thought it was a bit weird that you found your best friend physically attractive (in an uncensored manner you simply found him hot 🤷🏽‍♀️).

Anyways~ aside from gawking over how scrumptious this man looked the ENTIRE TIME, you two had a BLAST! The trip was so much fun, although it was pretty basic and not very expensive, it was still so memorable for you...for the both of you.

Like sun bathing under the warm sun on the beach but then it quickly turning into a water fight after Hyuck tried tackling you into the water to get you wet…which resulted in the both of you getting SOAKED lmao (he’ll probably blame it on you even though he’s the one who instigated the whole thing💀)

Also! Like eating your fav flavoured ice cream after as you walk around the city that was foreign to the both of you, taking in its tropical yet modern view.

having pillow fights in the hotel you both stayed at for your trip, you distinctly remember how you and Haechan had an arts and crafts night when you first got there, and whoever made the worst art work one could ever make would win and the loser would have to do whatever the winner wanted to do for the rest of the night. You being a wreck when it came to anything related to art won and honestly left your poor friend speechless at how bad your little creation looked compared to his.

“….”

Haechan couldn’t say anything but just sat there, baffled, not knowing whether to laugh at how horrible it looked or to just....stare. He honestly wondered how anyone could be soo bad at arts and crafts, something even kids can do, “Say something!!” You said laughing at your friend’s perplexed face, “I-I don’t know what to say...” he said holding in what seemed like a laugh but also sounded really concerned which honestly made you burst out laughing, “I mean— Y/N how is it so???—Jisung isn’t even THIS bad?!!” He said laughing, joining you on the floor as he took in another glance at your— honestly he doesn’t even know what to call it, “I guess I win??” You said calming down from all the cackles you let out, “I- I really can’t beat that...Wow, really!” He applauded you but you didn’t know whether he was mocking you or if he was just genuinely impressed that you managed to suck THIS bad, “So! Since I won I want us to have a little spa night!!” You enthusiastically suggested ,since you both were into taking care of your skin and beauty, he wasn’t too opposed to the idea buuut he still would have preferred for the two of you to play “Overwatch” instead.

Nonetheless you both were enjoying yourselves and other than ending the night with perfectly fresh and smooth skin, both of your stomachs were sore from all the laughing you two did that night. You also had the chance to try out amazing food! And visited tons of great tour sites as well, ngl you took a lot of pictures of Haechan...more than you’d like to admit (I mean same tbh)

You both wished your trip could last a bit longer but summer holidays were about to end so you had to go back home, as short as it was, it was honestly one of the best few days ever in the years you’ve spent on this crusty dusty little planet.

[funeral]

Detachment from the self

My thoughts are separate from my body, as if my mind exists in one place and my physicality in another. I see myself doing things, like I'm in a movie. I go through the motions as if I'm in a play. How can I be inside myself while watching myself at the same time? Words come out of my mouth, but they don't seem to be directed by me. They just come out, and sometimes I become flustered and begin to stammer or slur. My arms and legs don't feel like they're mine. How do I control them?...I have no sense of time: a thousand years can seem like an hour, a few seconds can seem like days. My memories of my past life feel like they did not happen to me. Remembering my past is like looking at photographs of someone else's life. My most treasured memories are now so dulled—dreams feel more real than waking life.

Detachment from the world

Familiar things look strange and foreign. I feel like an anthropologist from another planet, studying the human species. I look at things that once meant a lot to me, and I don't understand what I saw in them that made me love them. They're just shapes, objects, things, with no personal connection to me...It's all just there and it's all strange somehow. I see everything through a fog. Fluorescent lights intensify the horrible sensation and cast a deep veil over everything. I'm sealed in plastic wrap, closed off, almost deaf in the muted silence. It is as if the world were made of cellophane or glass...The world is inside out, upside down, and unpleasantly strange, like being trapped in a carnival fun house where mirrors distort everything.

Anxiety and ruminations

What am I? Where did I come from? Where will I end up? I thought I knew once, but I feel that my answers were all illusions. Everyone is sleepwalking through life, deluded with their own sense of purpose and meaning. But I have died, and with this lack of feeling comes a strange unification with the cold, unfeeling night that lasts forever. I'm ready to move on. but always wonder about those who kill themselves—I am already dead. When I was very young, I had fleeting moments of awe and terror pondering my puny existence, the infinity of time and space, my moment of living and the forever of what came after. Are we alive or is it all a dream that never happened?

—Composites from psychiatric patients describing chronic depersonalization in “Feeling Unreal: Depersonalization Disorder and the Loss of the Self” by Daphne Simeon and Jeffrey Abugel

[electronicdelusionstarlight]

Ok, here's how I'd set up an actual BNHA Elder Scrolls crossover in case I ever get around to write it:

1) While he's, like, 4 years old in his living room watching TV, Izuku's Quirk activates. It will not get an actual official name but we can call it Planeswalker Spark ala MTG. Basically kid can tear a hole through reality and launch himself into a different plane of existence, which is what Izuku accidentally does here.

2) It's a slow process tho, which gives Inko plenty of time to rush in from where she was to tackle her son away from the sudden green glow brightly shining around him, a impulse decision based on her Instinct to protect him at all costs, which only ends up with both of them getting sent to Skyrim.

3) Izuku incidentally also happens to be a Shezzarine. His quirk is a mutation from her mom's side, whose Quirks usually affect space in some way, and is completely unrelated to this. Anyway, he and Inko are on the cart to Helgen now, usual shit, The plot of Modded Skyrim takes places, with Inko taking on the brunt of the adventure and trying to shelter Dragonborn Izuku from his destiny.

4) After many trials and tribulations, 2 DLCs, 4 guilds, 1 Dragon War, several adopted orphans as well as so many quest mods it's unreal, Lucien Flavius and several members of the College of Winterhold manages to reverse engineer Izuku's quirk, and gives him an enchanted ring to better control it. Kid can now safely use it without risking ending up somewhere completely different from his planned location. Izuku is now 14 years old. He also had to do terrible things no matter how much his mother tried to shelter him and take the brunt of the war crimes. This leads to PTSD obviously, but also to a now blue and orange morality system, chief among them his general disregard with killing or not killing someone.

5) Getting back to 10 years prior, Izuku's Quirk causes a ripple in the Tachion Field surrounding earth, which is felt on I-Island. David Shield spends the remaining 10 years monitoring and trying to better understand the phenomena, since it could be revolutionary in the till then hypothetical field of time and space travel. When Izuku activates his quirk back 10 years later, I-Island has by then built a teleportation device, hijacking Izuku's trip and sending him to I-Island.

6) Meanwhile on a familiar junkyard, Hatsume Mei's scrappy device built via salvaged parts, spit and lots of duct tape comes to life on her back, individuating a sudden tear in the now constantly decaying Tachion Field. It's happening in the middle of the ocean tho, so she can't really deal with it now.

7) Anyway, David Shield needs Izuku at hand for his Quirk, but Izuku and his mom came back to Japan trying to live a double life since by then most of their friends and family are in Tamriel. Except, both of them have been declared dead for years, and Hisashi, the bitch, ran away with the insurance money, so they don't have a life to return to. David Shield can't let them get back to Tamriel tho, again, he needs Izuku on planet for his new research, bit also realizes that if he actually wants to leave he can't really stop him, except Izuku, you know, still wants to become a hero, just like his mom is in Skyrim. So they reach a compromise, he will try to get into UA, and will take a new identity as Mikumo Akatani, usual excuses to have Izuku get into 1-A you know?

8) Izuku can't really make his Quirk public tho. So, after forging his and his mother identities as a foreign dignitary from the states and her son, and his Quirk is listed as "Cataclysm" (The last perk in the destruction skill tree for a Fire (and Earth) mage in the Ordinator Mod). He is after all a member of the college of Winterhold, trained under the Great and Powerful Destruction Magician Uncle J'Zargo the Magnificent himself, of course he knows plenty of spells. However, he can't really explain all of them as one Quirk, or better yet, he can, it would just get really complicated, so he just goes "My mom can move things with her mind, my... Father, ugh, can blow fire from his mouth, obviously my Quirk is being able to control flames with my mind, usually from my hands but some times also via vocalisation."

9) Which means Izuku has to really contain what shit he can do. It's a very superman like situation, since he needs to remain in control at all times and also not slip up and pull spells he couldn't explain as his "fire" quirk, least people start asking questions. Some people however notice.

10) Tsuyu and Todoroki start an unofficial conspiracy theorist fan club over it.

Tsuyu was there with him at the USJ, where in his sudden hyperfocused competence over the crisis situation made her realize A) This is not the first time this boy has almost died in his life and B) Back in the water at the USJ, she could swear she saw his hands shining as some strange light washed over him, and she could swear he could swim as fast as her back then, and for such long periods of time she could swear he could breath underwater. That makes it really suspicious.

Todoroki sees another kid with a powerful fire quirk but also the signs of a hard life and who seems to not like his father, and instantly goes "Oh... same hat." So his conspiracy is that Izuku is actually Endeavour Bastard Son he had after a premarital affair during a visit to the states 14 years prior, and he has a corkboard to prove it. He also realizes that he's trying to contain his power just like he is, which makes him believe he too must have done a pledge just like him.

11) Shinso beats Bakugou on the first match of the tournament. Doesn't really matter to the overall crossover I just wanted to point this out.

12) Anyway, this explodes during the Sports Festival. It's Todoroki Vs Midoriya, and 1) everyone is comparing the two due to similar Quirks, which Izuku finds really unfair to both of them, 2) Todoroki is being a stubborn ass with his quirk and 3) Izuku can't really talk now l, can't he? That would make him an hypocrite, and he might be a Mage, an Honorary member of the Explorer Guild, a Dragonborn and also a Bard College Student for some reason, but he's not a hypocrite, so he just up and SNAPS because hey, maybe Todoroki will actually unleash his full potential if someone else does it first too.

13) So, Izuku Midoriya, on national television, starts blasting. Armour Spells, Ice Spells, Lightning Spells, Mind Spells, Water, Wind, Air, Poison, turns himself invisible, summons a Dremora Champion, shouts with the power of the souls of the Dragons his mother slew, Todoroki actually has to start using his fire but is mostly out of sheer survival now ("There is always a bigger fish out there, and one day you deciding not to use your full power just because of a stupid pledge will get someone killed. Trust me, I know. You better start realizing that now Todoroki"), and is still a close match because Izukus spells all start from his hands or mouth after all, and Todoroki has now something to prove more than ever.

14) Without his robes on tho, Izuku Magicka is depleted in the end, ending up in a tie as the two collapse from exhaustion. Rather than an arm wrestling match this time, Izuku is disqualified due to the sudden mutation of his Quirk. He's fine with it and probably expected it, bit this still bums Todoroki out, as well as all of his classmates and friends.

15) After the Festival there are 4 leading theories on Izuku now:

A) All Might, discovering via Tsukuachi that Izuku's identity is fake, as well that he looks a bit like a missing case kid from 10 years ago, AND knowing that AFO is back due to the USJ... Believes Izuku is a mole, and is working, willingly or unwillingly, for AFO after he was implanted with all those Quirks. He is now incredibly suspicious of him, and it kind of shows. Nighteye is on the same page despite not having talked to the man in years, and is subtly trying to have Mirio scout out the kid to see if he's a threat. Mirio is too much of a Golden Retriever to even realize what has been asked of him tho, and just think Nighteye wants him to befriend another kid with a promising Quirk.

B) Todoroki now knows the truth. Izuku is Monoma's long lost twin brother. His Quirk allows him to copy the Quirks of those around him (Iron Skin and Stone Skin would be Tetsu Tetsu and Kirishima Quirks after all, Invisibility is Hakagure, Fire and Ice are either his or Bakugou's, Lightning is Kirishima, and Tsuyu mentioned how he could swim and breath underwater while near her, meaning he was using her Quirk). He has connected the dots.

C) AFO still remembers his brother's lover, the stories she came up with, the long periods of times she was gone, only to return with a haunted look in her eyes... The powers she hid from him, thinking he wouldn't notice, the way she fled right after his brother lay lifeless on the ground, almost disappearing into thin air with his broken body... The family his brother hid so well from him, as if they were in another world all together... They never told him, but he knew, he knew she had some sort of Quirk, one that had been then inherited by this new Mikumo Akatani, so similar to HIM yet so different, back from the other world in revenge for his ancestor.

He has to capture that kid. He's family after all, and his quirk belongs to him, it's his by right as his brother's keeper. And with it, he will be able to extend his reach to worlds beyond his own.

D) the official version, the one David Shield puts out, is that Izuku's Quirk evolved unexpectedly due to the new environment he was in, mentioning it as a precursor of Quirk Singularity.

E) The only one who actually got it is Hatsume. She can tell Izuku is the source of the Tachion Spikes and subsequent decays as he "returns home" in Skyrim when leaving school, so she perfectly understands that he's a powerful warlock from across dimension who had come here with the power of science and unholy magic to infiltrate society posing as a hero. Obviously, she's going to help him do it becoming his evil vizier and grand artificer of course. Worst case scenario, she can now market the shit out of him as a hero using her babies, best one, he succeeds and she gets to rule Australia out of their "Deal." I say "Deal" because Izuku isn't even sure he got half of what she was saying, but she seems nice and if Skyrim taught him anything is that you should treasure everyone willing to be your friend, so they hang out together, scheming and plotting without even realising it.

Tsuyu however pretty much got the gist of what Hatsume was saying (it was a crowded lunch break after all) and while she does know Izuku doesn't seem the type of the interdimensional conqueror, she still decides to call dibs on North America in exchange of becoming his Grand Admiral.

And Who knows, maybe he'll end up starting an actual line of Dragonborn Emperors there too.

Anyway that's the rough draft.

[princessofgayskull]

say you’ll see me again, even if it’s just in your...

a snapshot inspired by the “heartbeat” you can hear underscoring the scenes when Catra and Adora are in the heart of Etheria, which reminded me of the underscoring of this song, which reminded me of Adora’s “wish.”

~

“I’m sorry.”

-

When she opens her eyes, all the pain in her body is gone. 

All the burning, all the aching, the neverending crescendoing agony that bleeds into her system from the cuts of a foreign invader that mark her body, it’s quiet. All of it. Replaced the gentle “lub-dub” of her heart in her chest, echoing deep in her ears. And that’s how Adora knows- deep down in her quickly fading consciousness- that this isn’t real.

This could never be real.

Here Adora is, standing in a nice dress, gazing into her reflection as the sun sets behind her in the room she calls her own. She’s not where she was when she closed her eyes before; “Adora! Adora!”; where she was when her wounds were draining the last of her life source, sucking her down into the dark- is that what’s calling her name?- her will to live nothing more than a farway memory. Is this a memory? A dream? 

Free is her hair, adorned with a golden tiara and this has to be a dream because this dress, winged at the waist with a cape that drapes her back, she stands in is something out of a dream. She looks like something out of a dream. A few years older, lips and cheeks tainted with rose blush. No longer is Adora plagued with routine guilt, if the way her eyes lack those dark circles she’s grown so accustomed to. She looks… beautiful… peaceful.

Insider her chest, her heart beats like a hummingbird’s wings.

The doors creaks open. 

“Just let me brush it!” 

Glimmer? Glimmer’s here? How, how, was that possible, Adora had left her and the others, abandoned them… failed them.

“No!”

Adora’s heart leaps at the sight. Catra.

Chasing Catra into the room, Glimmer’s laughs fill Adora with a certain unattainable- untouchable- joy. It’s fleeting, the feeling. As Catra dashes around her; she’s here, Catra’s really here. And she’s safe. Yeah, safe; feigning endangerment at the hands of Glimmer’s hairbrush, Adora knows this has to be a dream. This has to be something, if it isn’t a dream, that’s just as unreal.

This is too beautiful not to be pretend.

“Don’t let her touch me, she’s gonna torture me!” 

Glimmer and Catra, they look older, too. And they’re laughing like they haven’t been friends for a few rushed weeks, but for years. Years of working together, planning together, whispering inside jokes and pranking each other during sleepovers. Years of having each others’ back, of being friends.

“Do you always have to be this dramatic?”

“C’mon guys,” Bow’s voice- Bow?- stops Catra and Adora. Glimmer’s facade of irritation falls, replaced by a gentle look of love as she looks back at him, “if we’re late to Scorpia’s first ball, she’s gonna kill us.”

His arm comes over Glimmer’s shoulder and she leans into him. Likes it’s practiced. Natural. Like this action, this gesture, this is what Bow would call home. 

“Fine! You’re off the hook.” 

Fingers wrap around Adora’s shoulder, the warmth of Catra’s body a remedy to her disorientation, and she freezes. Adora wants to stop time, to take time and to memorize this position, the affection radiating from Catra. The natural ease with which she moves and speaks. Home.

“This time.”

As Adora watches Bow guide Glimmer towards the door, watches as Catra moves with no hesitation to follow them before turning to Adora; beautiful. She looks so beautiful, and so happy; and for a moment, Adora doesn’t just want to believe this is an untouchable dream. She wants to believe that this is real, that this could be real, that one day she could be standing here and seeing Catra decorated in red and gold. And white. 

Adora wants so badly for this to be. For the destruction of her planet, her people… her home, to all have just been some terrible, unrelenting nightmare that was never real. Maybe this is her waking to her true destiny, one that is not cloaked in a long night. Maybe this is daylight.

“Are you coming?” Catra extends her hand. 

“What do you want, Adora?” They had asked her over, and over, and over until their demands were just an angry chorus in her head, “What do you want, Adora? What do you want, Adora?!”

“This!” she’d wanted to scream. Adora wanted to wake up to a vision just like this, wanted to face the feelings within her. Adora wanted to let the want rip through her, and not feel the guilt that came after. 

After all this time ripping away parts of herself and  burying them in the shameful name of heroism, Adora stood in front of what she’d wanted: Catra, holding out her hand, asking her to come. Catra, standing before, nothing but happy and carefree. And loved. Loved by her.

But when Adora reaches for her hand- to follow, to never let go- the image of Catra shatters under her touch. Because this isn’t real. The Catra who wants Adora isn’t real, the only thing that’s real is the battle Adora’s losing, materializing through her deepest desires, poisoning them, corrupting them in her last and final moments.

“A beautiful wish,” Prime’s voice is like pure force on glass, that bright and poisonous green ripping through her once and beautiful dream, splintering her want. Infecting it. Infecting her.

“But there will be no future.” he prophesizes. The green light is getting brighter, bigger until Adora’s wish is gone. Until it can never be anything more than the failing beat of her heart. “Not for you.” 

He’s right. I failed. I failed Glimmer, I failed Bow, I failed everybody, the thoughts tears through her like a scream that echoes into nowhere. And Catra. I failed Catra, again.

Adora lets the green light take her. Lets overcome her, erase her, because if she closes her eyes for just one more second before the light is through with her she sees it: the people she has let down and failed for the last time, looking at her with love. If they could see her again, knowing what they know about her now, would they look at her this way? 

Maybe in another life- this life, this perfect life she stood in- someone remembers Adora in that way. Not as Etheria’s tragic savior, but the woman once a fighter now turned a lover. Maybe in another life- maybe even in this life she can reach but can’t touch- Catra knows Adora loves her. That she never, ever stopped loving her. Even in her wildest dreams.

She can see the flashes of that life, the one forever out of her grasp, as she closes her eyes: Catra’s clothes in her room. Waking up in their bed together, split irises staring into ocean ones, their fingers intertwined. The whispered “let’s get out of here, Adora,” that glint in her eye, the yearning in her voice always asking for trouble. 

If Adora can’t have this future, can’t be the person who gives it to Catra, then let this be her last condition, her one request as she gives herself selflessly: let her die here. Let her pretend she lived a life where she was happy, she was loved. 

Because nothing lasts forever, and Adora is ready to accept what her destiny has been all along. Adora is not the woman in this dream, this wish, where she loves and is loved. Adora is the hero of another life, another story. 

And in this story, heroes die alone. 

-

“Adora! Please! You have to wake up!” 

[thotsforvillainrights]

Could we Chisaki/Kurono/Mimic/Toya/Nemoto with a s/o who is ginger, and has blue eyes, which is really rare ? I am ginger myself, and i never see something about us, and it would be amazing if you would write about it !

(I'd like to first start by saying you are probably way gorgeous. I can see it in my head through the description. Secondly this is one of the more specific requests I wont be changing it. If you might not fit into it, sorry in advance!)

~Ginger Hair, Blue Eyed S/O~

~Overhaul~

-When he found you one day in public, he swore you just weren't real. Sure there were foreigners in Japan but he had never seen someone naturally with your hair and eye color at the same time. He wanted so badly to speak with you, but he's never really done this before. So he just decided against it. Unfortunately, you stayed on his mind morning, noon, and night. What if I never see them again??? He was pretty close to tracking you down with his resources until he heard the doorbell ring. Because he was on the surface sipping tea with Pops, he heard it pretty easily. "I'll get it" He said as he left the room quietly. There you were, delivering the food they ordered earlier. He almost collapsed! Lucky for him this was your last order of the day, and when Pops came out and saw his son acting like this, he knew immediately that the young man was in love for the first time. Pops asked you to come later for dinner after you clock out. You agreed and Kai had to manage his emotions of he'd scream.

~Chronostasis~

-Probably met you while he was away on business overseas. While he was supposed to be rooting the Hassaikai drugs in your country, he ended up becoming interested in you instead. He would go on dates with you while the lower members that came with him handled the work. When it came time for him to leave at the end of the month, he gave you his number to keep in contact. You two kept a long distance relationship going for the very longest until you finally caved and asked him to let you live with him. He replied "I've been wanting you here forever now. I'm sending money for the ticket. Be safe y/n, I hope to see you soon baby."

~Mimic~

-Joi was in his normal form while he stood in line at the post office. He needed to mail something off before he could leave and enjoy the rest of his off day, but the line felt like it wasnt moving. He was starting to get frustrated until he heard a soft "excuse me" from behind him. He was fuming until he turned around and saw your face. Suddenly felt a weight lift from his shoulders. While you were busy asking him for directions, he was lost in your eyes. Then the empty weight on his shoulders were replaced with nervousness for the first time. He was talking to a very gorgeous person and had no idea how to say something without freaking you out. He settled for giving you directions but when you asked him to accompany you for lunch, he felt his head spin. I'm gonna be honest...You two ended up dating officially after 3 months of constantly seeing each other. His favorite part is the fact that he didn't need to keep his constant form to impress you. In whatever form he took, you still love and respect him.

~Setsuno~

-Its hard to say how exactly you two got together but it was somewhere along the lines of a romantic comedy movie lol. Once together, he explains to you everyday that he isn't just interested in your looks. He wants you to know his love for you is based mainly on your personality. Your beauty is both inside and out, and he doesnt feel like he deserves it most of the time. He spends a lot of time taking dozens of candid photos of you to set as his phone wallpaper. Other times he admires you without saying a word. You can see the love in his eyes though. He might give you a cute nickname once he decides what to settle with.

~Nemouto~

-To him you are like a diamond amongst other gemstones. You're unique to him, one of a kind as far as he's ever seen in real life. He often finds himself accidentally fawning over you even when he's at work as well. It's a whole lot of "I wonder what y/n is doing today?" And "Goddness, y/n looked absolutely beautiful today. Like something unreal for this planet." Everyone is getting a little tired of it honestly. No offense! They love you, but Nemouto is constantly blabbing about you instead of holding a conversation about anything else. You have to tell him to tone it back a bit before he actually does. Another thing is that he gifts you multiple orange items as a tribute to your hair. His tribute to your eyes goes the same way. (Sorry if it's not your favorite colors! Nemoto goes a little wild sometimes). He's in the 'most likely to shoot someone for talking bad about your appearance' club.

»—————————–———————————————————–✄

TIp Jar: https://cash.app/$YuTakeyama

[ulfwolf]

Sentient Beings

What is a sentient being? Specifically? Exactly?

The Buddhist and other eastern traditions bandy this word about a lot, but definitions vary.

Yes, humans. A given. Yes, animals. A given as well. Yes, devas and gods. Of course. But how about trees? Mushrooms? Cells?

Once upon a time there was the no-time before time, and in this no-time (and no-space) there was just One. Un-fragmented, un-scattered perhaps light, perhaps darkness, perhaps red or golden—but un-fragmented and un-scattered whatever color or non-color.

Then, I guess around the time, or non-time, of the Big Bang (straddling the very borderline between non-time and time, thus launching time as it were), this One fragmented into… and that’s just the point, into how many?

Into how many sentient beings? For surely each and every fragment (Atman) of the One (the Omnipotent, Omniscient, Wondrously Aware, Everything and Everywhere Brahman) was sentient, too. How could they possibly help but be?

Fast forward to the present and the definitions of “Sentient Being” range across the full spectrum of life, and in some cases beyond.

One secular definition (I guess it’s a legal definition as well) is “a creature who can suffer and feel pain; mostly animals and humans. A sentient being is one with the faculty of sensation—whence the word—and the power to perceive, reason and think.”

As for Buddhism, according to Wikipedia, sentient beings are beings who possess consciousness, sentience, or in some settings life itself. According to the Pali Canon, sentient beings are composed of the five aggregates, or skandhas: form/matter, feeling/sensation, perception/discernment, mental formations, and consciousness.

In the Samyutta Nikaya, the Buddha is recorded as saying that “just as the word ‘chariot’ exists on the basis of the aggregation of parts, even so the concept of ‘being’ exists when the five aggregates are available.”

While distinctions in usage and potential subdivisions or classes of sentient beings vary from one school, teacher, or thinker to another, it principally refers to beings in contrast to Buddhas. That is, sentient beings are characteristically not enlightened, and are thus confined to the death, rebirth, and dukkha (suffering) characteristic of samsara.

However, Mahayana Buddhism teaches that all sentient beings also possess Buddha-nature—the intrinsic potential to transcend the conditions of samsara and attain enlightenment, and so reach Buddhahood.

As Dogen puts it, “Those who greatly enlighten illusion are Buddhas; those who are greatly deluded about enlightenment are sentient beings.”

In Mahayana Buddhism, it is to sentient beings that the Bodhisattva vow of compassion is pledged—the pledge not to leave samsara for Nirvana while there still remains even one sentient being stuck in samsara—which always brings me the image of millions, billions, trillions of Bodhisattvas each insisting that the others enter Nirvana before him or her: “After you.” “No, after you.”

Furthermore, and particularly in Tibetan and Japanese Buddhism, all beings (including plant life and even inanimate objects or entities considered “spiritual” or “metaphysical” by conventional Western thought, say ghosts or devas) are or may be considered sentient beings.

So, what about trees? They can perceive threats (various invasive and parasitic insects, for instance) and not only mobilize chemical responses but can also communicate (chemically) with neighboring tress about the threat that they may begin to mobilize in preparation for the oncoming assault.

That, in my dictionary, at least on some level, takes the capability to perceive, reason, and think. Sentience, in other words.

And what about the T cells?

Again, turning to Wikipedia: A T cell is a type of lymphocyte (a white blood cell), which develops in the (T)hymus gland (hence the name) that plays a central role in the body’s immune response.

T cells are distinguished from other lymphocytes by the presence of T-cell receptors, a protein complex that recognizes foreign non-cell material, in other words the body’s “enemies”.

These immune cells originate as precursor cells, derived from bone marrow, and develop into several distinct types of T cells once they have migrated to the thymus gland.

These different types of T cells have important roles in controlling and shaping an effective immune response to, say, a viral infection, by executing their specialized immune-related functions.

One of these functions is immune-mediated cell death, which is carried out by T cells in one of several ways: This type of T cells, also known as “killer cells”, are cytotoxic (toxic to living cells)—this means that they are able to directly kill virus-infected cells as well as cancer cells; they are also able to utilize small signaling proteins, known as cytokines, to recruit other cells when mounting an immune response (recruiting an army).

A different type of T cells, function as “helper cells”. Unlike killer T cells, these helper T cells function by indirectly killing cells identified as foreign by assessing and determining if and how other parts of the immune system should respond to a specific, perceived threat (cellular leadership).

Helper T cells also use cytokine signaling to influence regulatory B cells (a lymphocyte not processed by the thymus gland, and responsible for producing antibodies) directly, and other cell populations indirectly.

Another distinct type of T cell are the Regulatory T cells that provide the critical mechanism of tolerance—the ability of immune cells to distinguish invading cells from the body’s normal “self” cells—thus preventing immune cells from inappropriately mounting a response against oneself.

As an aside, these same self-tolerant cells are sometimes co-opted by cancer cells to prevent the recognition of, and an immune response against, tumor cells—invader wolves donning self-cell clothing.

And I say: Wow…

As if this doesn’t require perception, thought and reason?

That, in my book, makes the human cell a sentient being.

Now, listen: there are approximately 37.2 trillion cells in a human body. And I assume that the number of cells in animal and plant bodies would be some astronomical number like this as well—in ratio to size, that is.

And when we take a look at our planet, and the number of species and cell-based life we have here (there are 350,000 species of beetles alone); and when we look at our galaxy, and the number of stars in the Milky Way (200 billion, or so); and when we’ll look at the number of galaxies (400 billion or so) in the universe; and when we assume (rightly, I am sure) that there’s some form of life spinning around each and every star in the universe; and when we assume that their cell-size and count is similar to ours: that makes for a whole bunch of sentient beings in the universe.

I have not made a Bodhisattva vow, for I honestly think it is meaningless. Looks great on paper, completely unreal in reality, whether conventional or ultimate.

Then, to make matters a little more overwhelming, if that’s possible, one has to wonder about molecules and atoms as well. Lots of motion there, and molecular intelligence that knows when and how to combine atoms with one another and in what way. Perception? Thought? Reason? You tell me.

I honestly don’t know where to draw the line: above this line equals sentient, below this line equals non-sentient. I honestly don’t know if such a line even exists. But I wonder, does it really matter?

Scattered long ago by Darkness, many little lights now yearn for itself.

If it can yearn, it is sentient. Flowers yearn for sunlight. Viruses yearn to kill you. Wolves yearn for reindeer mean and a mate. Human yearn for, oh, god, they yearn for everything, don’t they, at any cost, rest of life on this planet be damned.

And here’s my real question: in order for this Universe to dissolve and return to Truth (Emptiness), does every single individual, ignorant sentient being have to reach full awakening? If so, that’s a project and a half.

Or, does it only take one immensely enlightened being to realize Truth, and Poof, the Universe is gone, for everyone?

Samsara shot right through the heart.

Just wondering.

(c) Wolfstuff

[belshka]

Complex // JJK (1)

January 16 2019

(y/n)’s POV

The clock strikes 7:00 PM. The soundcheck raffle announcement will be out soon. Why am I so excited? I must have saved the entire planet in my previous life if I got the soundcheck pass. Who am I kidding, the chance is 1 out of what, 35000? This is insane. No, this is madness. This is BTS.

It pops! The announcement post is here! My hands are cold. I saw my section, and.

And my ticket number.

My ticket number.

Should I scream? Shout? Faint? No, I take a seat on my couch. Just sit there, for 5 minutes straight, before I am able to call my friend, to break the news.

January 19 2019

This is it.

I walk into the venue, I can see the stage, and the Love Yourself World Tour banner. This is so unreal. This is massive. In just a matter of minutes I will finally see them! My heart hurts, my stomach hurts, my head hurts, yet I’m numb?

Fuck! I can hear Namjoon says hello from the stage followed by all the screams. As they walk to the extended stage where most of the soundcheck will be, I can’t help but to be mesmerized by every one of them. They’re legit god. Any arguments are invalid. I don’t know how long I’ve been zoning out until a hand shakes my shoulder from behind. “Hey are you okay? Do you need water? The security have water, I can ask for you?” Says a girl behind me. “Oh! Yes yes I’m totally fine, thanks though!” I smile back at her and bring my eyes back to the stage. Have I told you how good Jimin looks? Cause boy he looks so damn good, I actually forgot that my baby is Jungkook. They’re all my babies don’t get me wrong, even when I’m younger than the youngest but they’re still my babies. It’s been all fun and crazy how I’m able to see them like this, without make up, without the fancy clothes (although their casual clothes are still fancy). Until I notice HIM. Jungkook, with his huge ass camera, right in my direction. I -

Wait, why there is a sound of bell ringing? Am I being delusional?

Wow, I think Jungkook’s camera caught my confused and shooked face. I surely will be a meme in the BTS group chat. I try to push the weird feelings aside. You see this is weird, there is no such thing as soulmate bells or red string stuffs, or matching tattoos. I have been reading too much of fan fiction this is driving me crazy. The soundcheck ends and we are all being ushered to get back to our actual queue for the actual concert. I am so so speechless because come on, I just saw BTS! And probably gotta end up being a meme in their group chat. As I walk to find my friends, all I can think of is to call my sister, she’s also queueing but kinda far from me and my friends. “Hello?” “Oh my god, hahaha the stage is super super huge, and fuck!!! They are all so hot, sis omg, this is so unreal, I cant even believe my own eyes!” (I can’t believe my ears either) “Hahaha you had fun?” “Yes! Of course, where are you? Queuing already?” “Yup” “Okay then, I’ll see you inside!” The call ended as I spot my friends. I tell them everything, except my delulu self that heard the bell rings.

Jungkook’s POV

Another concert, another fun day. I can’t wait to see ARMY! Although I am tired from all the practices and flights, but I live for this, for the thrill, most importantly for those smiles. That I surely know are made for us, and because of us. In just a couple minutes I have to go up the stage for a short soundcheck, this is my favorite part of all because I can see them very clearly, the soundcheck was our idea, it is more intimate, although it seems unfair for those who’re not here, but this is the least we can do to get closer to our lovely ARMY. As Namjoon Hyung says hello, the crowd screams back, and I can already feel my lips forming a huge huge smile just knowing that they are here for us. I have my camera with me during every soundcheck, I feel like I have to capture every moment so I wont forget any details. The soundcheck goes well as usual, Hoseok hyung is having a little talk with ARMY as I shoot a video of him, then I move my camera to the crowd. I -

I hear the sound of bell ringing! What?! I cannot help but to find those eyes, and I finally found them, looking straight into my direction. She looks so confused, yet so beautiful. I bet she knows, I just hope she won’t go crazy. But, she closes her eyes and shakes her head. As if she does not want to believe it. I keep my eyes on her for awhile, my camera still recording her area, but I know for sure I have it zoomed in to her. She looks away first. She doesn’t believe in soulmates. I can see her head down for awhile, but I try my best not to look so obvious because I have been taught how to act if by any craziest chance I will find my soulmate like this. Which is to pretend it did not happened. To stay normal. But is it normal to ignore the existence of your soulmate? How soulmate works is weird, I don’t think the world notice it but when it comes to soulmate, you’ll never know. Every body has one, but the process is different, I don’t know about others, but surely mine is the bell.

We’re back at the waiting room, to get everything done, the make up, the script, the hair, outfits, and all. But I am still stuck. Starstruck? Is that the word? I never thought that my soulmate will be a foreigner? And an ARMY? Yes, ARMY. It feels like I’m living the best life. But also the saddest and tragic one, because I can do nothing. In this line of work, I have to stay like this. To give the best out of me. To sacrifice things. I hope in the end it will be worth the wait and sacrifice. “Jungkookieeeeeeeeeeee, why are you so saddddd?” Jin hyung asks from the couch while having his food. “Nothing hyunggggggg, just sleepy” I say as I walk into his direction and take a seat beside him. “Yah, be honest. Are you really sleepy or you found the one?” Jin hyung whispers. I can only look him in his eyes and hoping that he can read me. “Ayeeee I knew it. Which section?” He asks again. “Right side.” “Our right side or their right side?” “Ours.”

During the opening speech I try so hard to spot her, but I cant. The lights are blinding, and the size of the venue is not helping at all. I keep taking off my in ear just to talk to Jin hyung, praying that maybe he can help me spot her. As we’re about to sing Magic Shop, this is my chance to actually look for her in the pit so I walk slowly to the right stage while scanning the crowd, and I almost burst out laughing because I can see her running from nowhere into the back barricade. She’s something else. I look at her few seconds and I can see her very clearly because she is just by the barricade with her Army Bomb and her phone obviously recording ME. So I took my chance to go a little closer and I can see her friend slaps her right arm and screams something that I can’t really hear. But she’s unbothered. She’s so focus that I can tell her phone is not recording properly. Gosh she’s so funny, I can’t help but let a small giggle out while I shake my head, and walk back to the main stage. I can see her during Euphoria, I can’t really focus. She does not has her phone, I don’t know if she’s crying or not but she is standing in between her friends who are hugging her. It’s a beautiful view. Euphoria is the last time I saw her. Jin hyung spotted her during medley and Run. I’m so desperate to see her, this is my last chance. I keep on getting to the right side of the stage just to find her, until Anpanman, I can see her! I CAN SEE HER! I am so excited I can not contain my smile, I keep on dancing and hanging around the area. Last, it hits me during the closing, Answer : Love Myself, I have my in ear off and just so sad that this may be my last time seeing her. I try fight back my tears, I don’t think I sing properly, I hope no one notice. As we all walk back to the main stage, I look everywhere in her section hoping that I can see her for the last last time, shit I can’t see her. After the final bow I still give it a try, I walk a little bit to the extended stage but I still can not find her. I give up, giving my last smile before I walk off stage. And there my tears fall freely, I sit by the stairs to calm myself down because this is all too much, I have to fly to another country, leaving her, without any information. Without her knowing that I am her soulmate. My heart breaks even more, until Jimin hyung come to me and comfort me. He is truly the fairy. “Its okay Jungkookieeee, the chance will come sooner or later. You are soulmate, you’ll end up with each other. So don’t worry okay, you’ll find her. We will find her. Okay? Don’t cry, besides you did very good today!”  All I can do is to let out some sniffles as we both walk back to the waiting room to meet the others for concert photo.

(y/n)’s POV

The pit is crazy, I decided to stay at the back so it will be easier for me to run around to wherever Jungkook is heading. Bitch be running wherever her bias is heading, that bitch is me. Oh fuck, this is my song. Magic Shop, I literally scream each and every word out of my lungs. When I realize where Jungkook is heading, I literally run for my life to the back barricade and thank God it’s still empty. His legs ugh, he is sweating like crazy it makes him glow even more. I have my useless Army Bomb with me, and my phone, trying to record and capture Jungkook as much as I can because who knows, this may be my first and last. But luck was not on my side, I forgot to press record. I cannot scream, but Jungkook is too close, he is too close and my friend fucking slapped my arm. I could not careless all I see is him, too close, too close. Jesus bless my pure soul cause Jungkook just giggled? Why is he so funny.

Before the concert, days before the concert. I did my research very well, I know the whole setlist and where will they perform it. The stage and all so I know right after Just Dance, will be Euphoria at the main stage. I kinda make my way towards the stage with my two friends. “hey (y/f/n), can you please record the whole performance because I don’t think I can record it..” With that being said, the lights dim a little and I can hear the intro. I got goosebumps all over my body, I can’t believe that I finally able to see it live. Woah my body will collapse soon, my tears start to fall very quick. My friends notice and laugh but they have me in between them. Most of the time I stay at the back because I want to focus on the performance, plus I’m super tired I have not eaten anything yet today so I was at the back with water from the security. But I gained my energy back during medley and encore. Anpanman! Oh my god, I can see Jungkook again! Very clear because he is always on our side. I recorded his little cute dance. The 2 hours concert feels like a minute, they are at the extended stage for Answer : Love Myself, but boy is holding back tears. I feel a pang in my heart, and my lungs are lacking of oxygen. It hurts, my eyes are burning. I know this song will always have that effect on me but I don’t know that it will be like this. They walk back to the main stage for the final final bow, I smile through my tears and when the lights bout to turn off, Jungkook walk back a little for another goodbye while scanning through the crowd. This boy, he loves army that much. He smiles before it turns completely dark and the lights back without the boys on stage. I stay for some pictures with my friends, and my sister.

I say nothing about my weird feelings and the sound of the bell cause what kind of a crazy and delusional fan am I. So while waiting for the crowd to die down a little, I sit on the grass outside the venue while looking through my videos briefly, talking about the concert. The crowd somewhere goes crazy because apparently BTS is leaving for their hotel, but I could not careless because heck I’ve spent my entire day standing and waiting, I need to sit and rest my legs. And my crazy heart.

January 20 2019

Jungkook’s POV

Today is my last day here and I have no chance to explore because I have to fly back to Seoul.

(y/n)’s POV

Today is my last day here, I explore and shop a bit at the city before heading to the airport because I have to fly back home. Thank you (country), for the unforgettable night.

[eng2100]

blog 04 - avatar (the one with the blue people not the last airbender)

preface

I went into this with absolutely no feelings about this movie beyond the absurdity of how many sequels it’s apparently going to get. As an artist, I find the visual effects extremely impressive even to this day, but as a storyteller, I thought this story was almost so inoffensive that it’s offensive. 

However, I think that engaging with things in good faith is a good way to find ways to expand your horizons and thoughts, and I like to enjoy things despite my dad’s insistence that I like to not enjoy things. (It’s not that I like to not like things, it’s that it’s easier to entertain people when it’s a bad review. Tough crowd.) I’m a firm believer in the idea that cerebral analysis of media adds to the joy of consumption rather than takes away from it, so let’s dive right in.

I like structure, so we’re gonna layer it like a delicious theme cake. 

1. the elephant in the room

Everyone has seen Pocohontas. Everyone has seen Dancing With Wolves. I’m not really here to rehash arguments, but I think getting into this movie without addressing what first comes to everyone’s mind when they think about it is pretty much impossible. The “White Savior” trope is more or less a narrative cliche in which a noble white person will take a stand against the Bad White People on the side of a sympathetic oppressed people-- Native Americans see this plotline probably the most, but black people still see it today every now and then (Green Book got nominated for a lot of Oscars, after all. The hunger is there for easily digestible feel-good race relation drama.) Wikipedia sums up the White Savior trope better than I could, so here it is:

“At the cinema, the white savior narrative occupies a psychological niche for most white people, as an expression of their latent desire for interracial goodwill and reconciliation. By presenting stories of racial redemption, involving black people and white people professing to reach across racial barriers, Hollywood is catering to a mostly white audience who believe themselves unfairly victimized by non-white ethnic groups, because they are culturally exhausted with the unfinished national discourse about race and ethnicity in the society of the United States. Hence, films featuring the narrative trope of the white savior have notably similar storylines, which present an ostensibly nobler approach to race relations, but offer psychological refuge and escapism for white Americans seeking to avoid substantive conversations about race, racism, and racial identity. In this way, the narrative trope of the white savior is an important cultural artifact, a device to realize the desire to repair the social and cultural damage wrought by the myths of white supremacy and paternalism, regardless of the inherently racist overtones of the white-savior narrative trope.“

Native Americans factor into this most significantly in the case of Avatar-- aliens in movies are hardly ever just aliens. Whether they represent an oppressed underclass (District 9), childhood innocence (E.T.), or fear of foreign invasion (War of the Worlds), aliens are an easy vessel to carry almost any idea you want them to. So if the Na’vi are more or less an ideological stand-in for Native Americans during the conquest of America, our protagonist Jake is the future space cowboy to the Cowboys and Indians In Space.

Both Jake and Grace sort of fall in and out of the White Savior space-- ultimately Grace condescends to the Na’vi a little more and she has a more complete character arc that ends with her transcending this trope, but Jake is whole hog in it. He’s like, the legendary prophecy warrior. He’s The Guy. 

(Pictured above: The Guy)

James Cameron grapples pretty hard with the White Savior trope-- he never truly goes one way or another about it and the concept of Avatars-- as in the Na’vi bodies that Jake and company jump into-- significantly...well, complicates the idea of race relations in this movie. There are certainly some uncomfortable ideas about identity wrapped up in the concept of body swaps (if this idea interests you, Altered Carbon is a really good read), but re: the readings and lectures, the concept kind of works towards what is ultimately the broad takeaway of the movie.

In summary: no, we’re not doing this whole review about White Guilt in Space. Now that that’s out of the way...

2. james cameron predicted late stage capitalism

Imperialism

"The policy of extending the rule or authority of an empire or nation over foreign countries or of acquiring and holding colonies and dependencies."

Avatar is about imperialism. This is as broad and pointed a theme as you can get from a movie that draws such heavy inspiration from Native American and Aboriginal cultures. Interestingly enough, the movie’s futuristic setting goes hand in hand with the commentary about the military and Western Imperialism. 

The company in Avatar, and all the almost comedically evil military men, are very brazen about their lack of ideological purpose. They are on Pandora for money. They are being paid to go to Pandora to take its resources-- the delightfully named “Unobtanium” in specific. As mentioned in the reading, Unobtanium is valuable for its properties as a superconductor, and I’m not a STEM kid, so I’ll leave it at that for simplicity’s sake. 

That the mercenary force on Pandora is so open about their exploitative intentions draws an interesting parallel to the world of today that’s maybe a touch haunting, considering that Avatar came out some years ago. In politics, at least up until now, you notice the use of a few common euphemisms as smokescreens for more extreme ideas-- for example, the Right’s: “protecting American jobs”. 

Protecting American jobs is a euphemism for racism against Mexicans-- it was the most common smokescreen reasoning for the border wall pre-Trumpian politics. Trump and company have since dropped the euphemism all together. The death of a euphemism usually means that the euphemism is no longer culturally or socially required-- you can just come out and say whatever horrible thing you mean. In Avatar’s universe, it’s clear that the political-economic climate has come to a point where they can just say that they’re there to steal the Na’vi’s resources whether they like it or not.

The movie and the lecture both draw specific attention to the parallels the film draws explicitly between military tactics used in the movie, and real-world events. “Shock and Awe”, a tactic coined by the Bush era, is referenced in exact terms-- it being a display of overwhelming force intended to break the fighting spirit of the enemy. The commander character whose name I just read but I can’t remember now says that he is a veteran of both Venezuela and Nigeria-- both real world locations in which the U.S. has invaded and destabilized for material interests under the guise of American ideology. 

In Avatar, we see the thin veneer of “freedom and democracy” as the driving forces of U.S. intervention stripped away explicitly. The opening narration of Jake’s arrival to Pandora has him say that “on Earth, these men were soldiers fighting for freedom...but here, they’re mercenaries”, however, the line between a supposed freedom fighter and a mercenary is borderline nonexistent. 

3. western scientific objectivism sucks

Another current running through Avatar is the juxtaposition of what is “real” with what is “unreal-- aka Western objectivity science versus belief systems. This is embodied in the character of Grace, a scientist and anthropologist who has been researching Na’vi culture for some time. The reading characterizes her as “the happy face of liberalism” that tries to put a nice coat of paint over the same imperialist ideas that the more blunt military types embody-- she is kinder to the Na’vi and sees their culture and planet as worth preserving, but she is ultimately dismissive of their beliefs and of Eywa (”pagan voodoo”) the same as the other mercenaries.

We’re gonna put on tinfoil hats for a little bit here to make a relation between Western culture (imperialism and colonialism) and capitalism and paganism. Are you ready?

Okay.

So you know how they burned witches at the stake at the onset of the Industrial Age in America and the pagan practices of “hedge magic” were pretty much obliterated? I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Capitalism is a system that can only operate materialistically-- people aren’t “people” but “workers”, and the concept of magic and belief exists in terms that capitalism can’t define, and more importantly, can’t exploit. So witches were burned and women were placed with great reinforcement back into domesticity, where their function in capitalism was to give birth to and rear new workers.

You can see this dichotomy between the science of objectivity (what is “real”) and belief systems (what is “unprovable”, “unobservable”) in the way Grace uses scientific terms to justify the Na’vi’s spirituality. A very powerful through-line can be seen in the way that imperialism, capitalism, materialism, and objective science intersect. Their interconnected natural collective consciousness is like the raw function of a brain to her, likened to a network. It isn’t until Grace is mortally wounded and experiences the Na’vi’s healing ceremony that she is able to transcend the capitalistic, materialistic terms for definition for Eywa to have a spiritual experience, and to become one with Eywa herself (”she’s real.”)

In a plot that hinges on the material (Unobtainium) interests of a capitalist mercenary force, the ultimate refutation of this is the Na’vi’s spiritual values.

4. avatar: endgame

So what is this all working towards? Well, the idea of an interconnected spirituality like Eywa. The idea takes root in geomantic ideas, more commonly known as “feng shui”-- it’s sort of the concept of an earthly energy, a flow that moves through and connects the Earth and its people and creatures. The strange braid cord things that allow the Na’vi to interface with certain points and other creatures is a very straightforward metaphor for that concept of feng shui and geomancy.

Here we come back around to the concept of Jake as the White Savior/chosen one/The Guy. It’s kind of obtuse, but the general theory is that Eywa chose Jake as a sign that all peoples must needs transcend their boundaries and become one with the larger concept that Eywa represents. This of course comes packaged with an urgent environmental message-- our life is that of the planet, and to exploit and sacrifice one is to sacrifice the other.

Pandora, Eywa, and the Na’vi represent the polar opposite of everything that capitalist imperialism is. Thus, James Cameron, ironically, used a huge budget Hollywood endeavor to refute everything that Hollywood is. Now he’s making Alita: Battle Angel. 

Funny how that works. Oh, I made myself sad.

[fangzeronos]

Fires and Starlight

It had been two days since Allura transferred Shiro’s soul-or was it consciousness? -back into his body from the Black Lion. With the team sitting on the nearly barren planet and getting some rest before starting their long trek back to Earth, Shiro sat up and stared at the fire keeping them warm, poking at the flames softly with what he assumed was a stick. Nearly a year outside of his own body, time was almost foreign to him again.

 “I died, Keith.”

 Allura’s hands on the Black Lion, absorbing his consciousness, placing him in the clone’s body. Memories of the last months flooding his mind, from escaping the Galra—“Project Kuron stage three is in progress.”—feeling helpless when the Black Lion didn’t respond to him when Keith was on a Blades mission—“I need to help my friends. You have to let me help!”—the near endless battles, fighting Zarkon for Sam Holt, Coran’s insane plays thanks to the brain bug. Then the darker memories flooded him, his heart thundering against his chest.

 “Give up the fight, Keith! I’ve already taken care of the team. You’re the only one left!” he said, pinning Keith to the ground in the cloning facility.

 “Shiro, you’re my brother! I love you!” Keith had yelled, breaking the clones concentration.

 He remembered the pain of the severed robotic arm, falling unconscious until now.

 Opening his eyes, getting blinded by the first real sunlight he’d seen in almost a year. The worried and smiling faces of the man he considered a brother and the woman he’d come to care for, even if he knew he’d never vocalize it.

 “You found me…” he’d whispered.

 “Rest,” Allura said with a small smile, putting her hand on his.

 “Rest,” Shiro muttered. “Feels like all I’ve done is rest while they’ve been fighting. I’ve seen the fighting, I’ve seen everything, but it still feels so unreal.” He got up and walked away from the fire, walking over to the Lions who were circling their camp, stepping between sleeping bags and makeshift mattresses that housed his friends and even some new faces in Romelle. He walked over to Black and climbed inside, sighing as he sat in the cockpit and put his hand on the console. “Thanks, Black. You saved my life, but…at what cost? Keith’s your Paladin now, so what am I?”

 He laid his head back and closed his eyes, sighing softly before his eyes snapped open with a new memory.

 He was helping Pidge, his Galra arm being used to power the Omega Shield before another band of solar radiation could strike the planet. He gasped and saw himself facing the White Lion, the same that Allura had submitted to in Oriande. The White Lion lunged and snapped its jaws around his body, sending him flinching back and breaking the connection.

 A new image popped up, the same White Lion but this time mechanized, looking regal and standing with the other Lions on a scorched battlefield, Galra fighters and cruisers lining the area for miles as they surveyed the end of the war with the Galra. The lions came together to form Voltron, the White Lion roaring as it leapt into the air, coming apart and attaching as new armor and a new mask for Voltron, armor coating its arms and torso with giant white wings.

 Shiro’s heart thundered as he sat up, putting his hand on his chest. “What in the world…?” he muttered. He got up and left the Black Lion, stumbling out and sinking to his knees beside its massive head, leaning back against it and panting softly.

 “Shiro?” Allura’s voice asked as she walked up, fear in her normally passive blue eyes. She knelt beside him and put her hand on his arm. “Are you alright? You look distressed.”

 Shiro sighed softly, looking at Allura. “Allura, if I’m being honest, I’m not alright,” he said. “I died, got saved by the Black Lion, watched and wasn’t able to tell anyone what was going on. I watched Lotor get distressingly close to you, the team fall apart and come back together, Keith go off and be a Blade, my clone take over, watch my friends nearly die a thousand times over, and now I’m sitting on a desert planet with a missing arm, getting flashes of a life that isn’t mine, and flashes of something else that I don’t know what it means. I can’t sleep because when I close my eyes, I get bombarded with a life that I don’t know. I keep seeing a freaking White Lion and Voltron, and right now I am the furthest thing from alright.” He looked at Allura and then tore his eyes away, looking out at the distance. “And now we’re going back to Earth and I’m…terrified of returning because of how I left things with someone I thought I could spend my life with. I’m a different person then when I left for the Kerberos mission and…I don’t want him to see me like I am.”

 Allura listened to Shiro vent, and she reached over and put her hand on his. “I’m sure that you’re still the same person you were before. There’s just been some changes in the time you’ve been gone,” she said. “I can’t understand what it was like for you, Shiro. Being dead versus being in cryosleep for ten thousand years is vastly different, but I do feel some sorrow that we did not figure it out sooner. I’m sure that whoever you have back on Earth, he’ll feel the same way I do.”

 “And what way is that, Allura?” Shiro asked as he turned his head away, not meeting her eyes.

 Allura put her hand on Shiro’s cheek softly, making him look at her. “I am just happy that you are alive and back with us,” she said. “And yes, we have a surplus of Paladins and a shortage of Lions, but given time, perhaps you can pilot Black once again and lead us to the end of the war.”

 Shiro nodded softly. “Maybe,” he said. “If she lets me.”

 “She will,” Allura said. “The Lions Quintessence is reflected in their Paladins. Yes, we have had to shuffle around due to circumstance, but things as they were before might happen again.” Something he said finally clicked in her mind, and she turned to face him. “You said something about a White Lion?”

 “Yes,” Shiro said. “When you were at the Omega Shield and Pidge used my arm to connect with the systems to get the shield up, there was a moment when…I was facing a white lion. It roared and bit down on me, but…other then that, I don’t know what it was. And earlier when I was in Black after getting up from the fire, I saw another vision or a dream or whatever it was, and we were on Earth and there were six Lions, but when Voltron formed, the White Lion became armor and wings and a new face for Voltron. I don’t…know what it means, but I remember you said something about a White Lion when you were in Oriande.”

 Allura nodded. “It’s interesting,” she said. “I remember the White Lion and felt like it was more then just an illusion to keep people out of Oriande. Sometimes, dreams can be a way to see into the future. Perhaps we’ll be able to either find or make this White Lion in the future.”

 Nodding, Shiro sighed as he looked up at the stars. “I didn’t say it before, Allura, but thank you,” he said, turning his head and looking at Allura. “Thank you for finding me.”

 Allura looked at Shiro and smiled softly. “You have always come for me when I was in trouble. I’ll always do the same for you, Shiro,” she said. She put her hand on his and squeezed softly.

 Shiro smiled softly and nodded, squeezing Allura’s hand back. “I’ll always come back for you,” he said. He stood up and helped her up. “You should rest. We’ve got a long journey until we get back to Earth.”

 “You should rest too, Shiro,” Allura said. “I’ll tend the fire and you get some sleep. Pidge wanted a run on rotation, so when you’re asleep, I’ll wake her.”

 Shiro smiled softly and nodded. He didn’t know why, but he leaned down and kissed Allura’s cheek, giving her hand a squeeze. “Good night, Princess,” he said. “And again, thank you for finding me.”

 Allura felt herself blush, leaning up and kissing Shiro’s cheek in return. “I’ll always find you,” she said, watching him head back to the other sleeping Paladins, Romelle, and Coran. She followed behind him, her face red as she lightly touched her cheek, smiling as she knelt to start stoking the fire again. She watched Shiro lay on the ground, asleep nearly instantly as his head hit the ground. She giggled softly, walking over and draping a blanket over him, moving his hair out of his face. “Good night, Black Paladin.”

[celestialchariots]

Free Associations/Dreams/Real Life/Rambling

Wrote this sort of stream of consciousness procrastinating in the library on September 1st, 2018

Start off with a real bang, the blood and glass and neon, the small pockets of shadow moving and disappearing and hiding in the grass, the rocks, found inside the caverns of rocks holding a million words. The bar room beauty, the peculiar movement of eyes, the light adding a presence more real than life itself, pounding sound so loud I can hardly think I can only observe, I can only think of the briefest flash of the totality of something, no moving parts just free flowing subjectivity, dreaming I’m on the ground, I am so weak, I can feel the suddenness of a deathbed reality sinking in, a hundred times sprinkled throughout different days, what I come back from I do not know, I don’t know and won’t pretend to… The chocolate and blue light was quite something. Not even old, no plastic towers or digital depravity unending, screaming deception and pain and scales unimaginable, endless buildings and structures and three years now, five years, ten years, who knows. I do. Descending the staircase an eternity ago… I wonder what I was wearing, I wonder what I forget, I wonder what explosion of the reality would strike me if I was back, more foreign than I may like to imagine, old dorm, old notebook, old coffeeshop, old friends, tastes and thoughts, classes and such heaviness I can’t even bear to really sink back into. Naomi wasn’t there, but at least I had the precursor to a kiss of something so other, both blue eyes, both in rooms stretching back into eternity, from a perspective, anyway. Thoughts actualized, years and years of a sort of buildup into an explosion of color and feeling, new memories and something else inside lucid dreams jumping over the middle school portables flying high saying hi, academic universe, the majesty of institutions, endless staircases forbidding areas begging to be explored, the fabric of reality has been made into something different, a distilled form of life concentrated, beauty without words, just a merger of essences into and together, something so peculiar it can hardly be put into words. I see you under streetlights and dream of you dressed in black, eyes resplendent with their own radiance, an essence so foreign and intimate. I’ve never heard you speak a word, and I wonder how you and the blonde friend and former lover would interact, what is shared, what you’d say in common, if you’d smoke cigarettes on the Loxahatchee in 2010 under palm trees then in fantastically dense urban areas, with buildings twisting up off the ground, where my brother and I will get lost inside, forever real, always more doors and hallways and turns, unfathomable depth, a singularity of existence like those with early adolescent affection made true in 2015 in the midst of endless words, text messages one after the other so beautiful, so beautiful and so happy, so happy so happy I will remember them forever, their sweetness resides so deep inside me I can have a hard time even bringing it up, for what words could do the words justice? What a help. What mercy. How unreal a time, newness so dense the days felt slower than they had been in years, a high point of emotions sweet and lovely and dark and anxious I was only able to take in, not even knowing what it would mean or what would change, a new reality stepped in they spit in my mouth they stabbed me they killed me momentarily resurrected through more life, fried nervous system for sure, pale ribcage something strange something new a new face a new life a new dream nicotine soaked days hands shaking nauseous wanting to vomit tearing up yes I remember it well holding my textbooks and notebook and water bottle look at me what a sight I wanted to go back and I remembered things I now forget but instead dragged back into something wondering if I should walk in front of the bus wondering what any of this even meant one day at a time one minute one minute another another more and more and more the Utopia class the beautiful harmony of cult members in old America, emaciated singing so wonderfully it’s known to this day. SO I ASKED WHY why now why not later why not forever ago why didn’t I kiss you in cars as it rained outside, why didn’t we live in a treehouse on an extrasolar planet and look at the star painted sky and alien forest, hollow super earths, ocean worlds with silver platforms and you can smell the sea, light blue seas and sky, wind blowing through hair just saying hey I love you isn’t this something, want to be the first people to listen to this ocean? Everything so remarkable and casual. Bodies made of stars, a billion blue pixels in the corner of old video games as the world falls apart and turns into something else, mysterious past eschatons, we pick up details and explore the gorgeous ruins and I see her face amongst the green and gray, walking with no final goal, sleeping on the grass saying I’m so happy you exist, talking about what we saw, young and beautiful… Fireflies worlds away all different colors, let our thoughts turn to water, let old songs turn us back into explorers of just as astonishing inner space, summer nights spent alone, digital light reflecting off irises blue and green with a new way of observing, shouting from rooftops, inside trees and campuses, campuses powerful, ones we can smile on the bleachers of and inside dark rooms, books mysterious and dense, in shelves and in desks, some organized and some in a mess, light switches and strangers speaking words like “if you’re inside you’re made of it” held close on walls lit by fluorescent light tasting ouzo flowers and getting your makeup on my face, I don’t care, I love it, sitting on the beach at night under palm trees smoking cigarettes drinking ouzo and laughing, sand on our legs, stars and moonlight and the ocean ever present, once again we can smell the sea, wondering what civilizations lie underneath then heading back to the present, looped perfectly, all fitting together in a way unimaginable in any place but hindsight, year 2000000 AD or a few years ago or now or nowhere, seeing angels made of light with massive wings flying over a million islands filled with unknown entities and histories, we look up and smile as they soar past filling the sky, the world is illuminated fully for a few moments, strange shadows, incomprehensible scales, wind blasting, back together, back at school, back in my room, back atop the trees, back in my senior year of high school with unspoken thoughts known at some level, at prom thinking, observing, noticing, alone now in the woods on my phone looking into strange darkness, birth pains of a new world, hollow feeling, wooden skin, life changing and growing ever more real. Thoughts of the creation and dissolution of the universe, days of dark splendor… I remember the beginning, I remember the people, I remember the start of the plot and the start of the book, I remember the end, I remember it all in a few days, I remember it all like the countless things that have passed, like the never-ending manyness of things, conversations flowing and ending some sharp and clear some dreamy like water, waving from the grass, come here, come closer, I guess this is real now, a brief transformative flash, on the edge of the heart of Florida, so happy it’s all white around the edges, yes this is it, these are the moments that centuries lose themselves to, yes it’s coming yes the combination and nothing at all moment singular one sentence at a time, not even unreal how can anything but this be real, how can anything but this exist how is anyone else out there I don’t care I see the ways she moves her eyes I see the way she smiles I know what’s behind the words is it going to happen I know it is going to happen I know this is it I know this is how it ends and begins I know this is how we are I know this is how we will be I know this is what it is I know this is what the sunlight is for I know this is what the hours meant I know this is how we will die I know we will live forever in fluorescent light I know we will live forever in this sunlight I know what you were wearing I know what you said I know why you didn’t speak I know why I didn’t I know we and I are inseparable I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know

[howwelldoyouknowyourmoon]

Minions and Master – an army of obedient servants needed

from Gifts of Deceit – Sun Myung Moon, Tong-sun Park and the Korean Scandal by Robert B. Boettcher  (pages 144-148) An army of obedient servants would have to be recruited and trained to restore the Kingdom of Heaven to earth under Sun Myung Moon. They would have to work as people had never before worked because there had never been such a great mission. They would have to go wherever Moon sent them to raise the $300 million he needed for making his project worldwide and the billions more he needed to control the wealth of the planet. But Moon did not have shiploads of chained tribal people at his disposal when he arrived in America in 1971. Involuntary servitude was against the law. Could he make people think they were actually willing to be slaves?   He got the answer he wanted from idealistic American youth. He and they were ready for each other. They were people in the age group eighteen to twenty-four, in transition from adolescence to adulthood, student to professional, getting in or getting out of school, family life to life alone. For one in search of a coherent view of the world, college had the effect of making things more confusing by presenting so many different approaches to life without identifying one as altogether right. In the “real” world, problems abounded, from family disunity to the threat of nuclear destruction. At best, things were in disarray; at worst, life was chaotic, depressing. Such minds were fertile soil. Their idealism was the key. Describe how happy people would be if discord could be turned into harmony. Show how this can be done through unified love for God. Then play on the distance between what a person thinks he is and what he wants to be. Hold up ideals and make him ashamed of not living up to his own standards. Instill ideas of self-worthlessness. Make him feel guilty about putting concern for himself above group unity. The burden of guilt could be lightened by working as a family with others who believe the ideals can be attained here on earth. The family has a father who will lead the way. The harder one works for Father, the closer one gets to achieving the goal. Follow Father. God has shown him alone the path to perfection because he is the Messiah.   Moon taught a clear strategy for attracting prospective converts. Until the prospect is converted, he must not know that a strategy is being used. Later he will appreciate being deceived because the motive was his own salvation. First, all church members must make as many new acquaintances as possible. Befriend them by taking a personal interest; do not disagree with their views, whether right or wrong. Do favors. Find the right style to use on each kind of person. Classify his personality. Introduce him to a church member with a similar personality, but don’t reveal that he is a church member. Meet together like that two or three times. Get into conversations on current issues, ethics, or morality. Then say, “I know where there are many serious young people talking about things like this,” or “I have heard of some lectures about a new philosophy, very sincere, very interesting, talking about the problems of life. I would appreciate it if you would go with me so I can get your opinion on it.” The prospect will pay attention to the lecture because he has been asked for criticism. When he says it was wonderful, say, “Oh, I don’t know. Not necessarily so.” But suggest going again in order to learn more about it.   Chris Elkins was president of his fraternity at the University of Arizona when John Shea, a recent acquaintance, invited him to attend a lecture about something called the One World Crusade. What he heard was philosophical, nonreligious, and interesting. So he went again each week for a month or more. The One World Crusade was explained as a movement encompassing all aspects of life. He was impressed by the magnetism of the lecturer, Dr. Joseph Sheftick. He and his fifteen or twenty followers had an aura of confidence, friendliness, and sincerity. They related well to his own interests and seemed warmly concerned about him. As the lectures progressed, a Korean named Sun Myung Moon was mentioned as a great teacher, but the main stress was on the coming of a Messiah to build heaven on earth. It dawned on Elkins that Sun Myung Moon must be the Messiah in question, although no one had said he was. During dinner with the group one night, he stated that observation. Dr. Sheftick raised his head, sat up straight, and announced, “We have a new brother: Chris Elkins.”   Elkins did not affirm Sheftick’s declaration, nor did he deny it. He simply went along for the time being. In fact, he was seriously considering joining. The goals were so noble: peace and brotherhood at all levels. Fund-raising didn’t appeal to him, but he could swallow it because he felt he and the movement really belonged together. And the people gave him so much love and attention that he couldn’t just say no. His best friend tried to dissuade him. When his family protested, Dr. Sheftick warned that Satanic forces work best through those most loved.   Euphoria prevailed during his honeymoon period with the Moon cult. Then the atmosphere became more serious. Elkins didn’t like fasting and staying up all night praying aloud with the others. After a couple of weeks, it all seemed too heavy. Driving back to Illinois to visit his mother in the hospital, he was in a daze. He tried to think things out. What had he got into? Was this the life for him, separated from the rest of the world? The love … the concern … heaven on earth… . What if Moon was really what they said he was? Could he risk losing what they offered? From Illinois, he called the group. It felt good to hear their voices. He would return.   He resigned as president of the fraternity. The Moonies sent him to Phoenix to fund-raise by selling peanuts on the street. He was still restless because Satanic spirits were at work inside him, so he was grateful that another member was by his side at all times. His parents wanted the car back, but a leader chided him: “Who needs it more? Your parents or the movement?”   He was learning. The great crusade required everything he had. The attachment to Father must be total, as Father said: Your whole body, every cell of your body, every movement, every facial motion, even every piece of hair, every ounce of energy must be directed to this one point.   Just as other members were always with him physically, Father was always with him too: You must live with me spiritually all the time—while you are eating, while you are sleeping, while you are in the bathroom, while you are taking a bath, taking a rest, even in dreams you can be sitting with me and discussing with me. That’s the only way. This is the secret of our movement. Whoever has that basic, fundamental attitude and that spiritual power will perform miracles.   Spiritual regeneration required mental somersaults. What once seemed true was now false. What once seemed unreal was now real. The world Elkins had known since birth was the product of original sin. The fall of Adam opened the floodgates to Satanic spirits, which had inundated the lives of Elkins’s ancestors. If he gave himself to Moon completely, he could rid himself of that awful heritage and be restored…

Book review: Robert Boettcher’s Gifts of Deceit insightfully and thoroughly documents the activities and findings of the Fraser Committee. This congressional subcommittee (through its 1978 report) on International Organizations opened a window on a world in Washington which many would prefer to see closed forever. The report of this committee, informally called the Fraser Report, exhaustively documents and details Sun Myung Moon’s role in working to shape American foreign policy. It further names a whole host of characters including American politicians, military leaders, Korean diplomats, former Japanese prime ministers, not to mention President Dwight D. Eisenhower who, wittingly or unwittingly, wound up acting as agents or surrogates for Sun Myung Moon and his “Unification Church”. In addition to reading like a first rate who dunnit Boettcher’s book gives the reader a behind the scenes look at official Washington, which to this day has done nothing about the principal findings of the Fraser Committee: namely that the Unification Church has engaged in systematic violations of U.S law. Banking and currency laws, securities and exchange commission laws, Immigration and naturalization laws and charities fraud laws. Boettcher’s book is the first book which reveals the global geo-political ambitions of the Moon organization. It is a must for students of foreign relations, students of destructive cults, and for students of the U.S. Constitution – particularly those who take an interest in the first and the thirteenth amendments. Allen Tate Wood     2001

United States Congressional investigation of the Unification Church Robert Boettcher’s mysterious death – New York Times http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gifts_of_Deceit

Bo Hi Pak and The Origins of KCFF

[imjustthemechanic]

The French Mistake

Part 1/? - A Visitor Part 2/? - The Kulturhistorisk Museum Heist Part 3/? - Cutscene Part 4/? - The Marvel Cinematic Universe Part 5/? - Breathless Part 6/? - Escape at Last Part 7/? - Fox in Socks Part 8/? - Things Go Wrong Part 9/? - Downey and Out Part 10/? - Road Trip Part 11/? - Temptation Part 12/? - An Awful Reunion Part 13/? - Unreality Intrudes Part 14/? - A Call for Help Part 15/? - Loki’s Guests Part 16/? - Stan Lee Cameo Part 17/? - Reassessment Part 18/? - Midnight Invasion Part 19/? - Elevator Fight Part 20/? - Courage Part 21/? - Unwelcome Back Part 22/? - Darkest Hour Part 23/? - They Are Here Part 24/? - The Jet Propulsion Laboratory Part 25/? - Word of God Part 26/? - Avengers Assembled Part 27/? - The Houston Underground Part 28/? - Houston has a Problem Part 29/? - Onward and Upward Part 30/? - The Chi’Tauri Queen Part 31/? - Through the Wormhole Part 32/? - Prisoners Part 33/? - Arm’s Length Part 34/? - A Moment’s Respite Part 35/? - Ravagers to the Rescue Part 36/? - What Happened to Hiddleston

Honestly I have no idea what I’m doing anymore.  This fic has gotten totally out of control.

When the crystal captain said he was coming to get them, he apparently meant that literally.  Moments later, with he communication channel still open, there was a tremendous explosion.  Thor found the screen that showed the mother ship behind and below them, and enlarged it.  Something that must have been the Ravager ship had just burst out of the mothership’s back like an alien larva, and its guns cut a swath through the floating Leviathans.  Steve had to make a sudden turn to avoid being next.

“Ah, there you are!” said the crystal being.  He was sitting in his chair as if relaxed – it was Miss Alpha and the crocodile creature whose hands were on the controls.  “Get close to us.  We’ll tow you out if we can just avoid their tractor beams this time.  Miss Alpha’s promised me an algorithm for that.”

“Okay,” Steve swallowed.  He brought the Leviathan around and followed the Ravager ship.  It got closer and closer, revealing itself as a brushed gold vessel, shorter and fatter than the Leviathan.  When it came within a hundred yards, a series of harpoons shot out and locked onto the Leviathan’s spine, rattling the whole structure.  Alarms blared, and Thor looked for a way to silence them but couldn’t find any.  The Ravagers reeled them in, and Steve gently took his hands off the controls.

“Whoops, here comes a beam,” said the crystal captain.  The Ravager ship swerved to the side, yanking the Leviathan behind it.  “You got those jump coordinates, Vark?  Will they fit in the bubble?”

The crocodile grunted.

All around them, the little tow ships were gathering.  These may not have had weapons or may not have had any powerful enough to take on a Leviathan, because they did not fire, only flew circles around them, trying to force them back towards the mother ship.  Steve hit a couple, and they bounced off.  The Leviathans that had been re-crewed were swimming in to join them, though, and those almost certainly had weapons.  Huge turrets on the mother ship were rotating, taking aim.  As Steve had feared, once they’d moved, they were immediate targets.

“Hang on to your asses!” said the crystal being cheerfully.

That was the only warning they got before space turned inside out.  One moment, the Chi’Tauri ships were all around them, and then the stars stretched and snapped back into different places.  The screens fizzled and flickered, and Steve felt as if gravity came back, pulled him in several directions in quick succession, and then vanished again.  After a very long, stomach-churning few seconds, the displays came back to life and they were once again able to see what was outside.

There was a bit of debris floating around them, perhaps from tow ships that had strayed inside what, for want of a better term, Steve was going to have to think of as the ‘warp bubble’, but otherwise they were clear of the threat.  The Ravager ship was hanging above them with the harpoon lines connecting them to its belly – it reminded Steve of a photograph he’d once seen in a magazine, of a hawk carrying a fish as big as it was.  Below them was a planet with one hemisphere in shadow – or at least, it looked that way at first.  As they drew closer Steve realized it was only, at best, two thirds of a planet.  Almost half of it had been sheared away along a straight line by some unknown cataclysm.  Yet impossibly, the remaining part seemed to still have an atmosphere, and Steve could see city lights.

“Where are we?” he asked.

“Haven,” said the crystal captain.  “Don’t go too near the edges, they’ve got it propped up with a time dilation field but it’s still doing its damnedest to collapse back into a sphere.”

When Steve looked closer, he could see that the edges of the crack around the planet were glowing and molten.  It still had oceans, too… he wondered what kept those in.

“Hang tight,” said the crystal captain.  “I’m calling a friend of mine and he’ll find us somewhere to land.”

Hemsworth evidently felt that something was expected of him.  “You have earned the gratitude of Thor,” he said gravely.  “We will sing of your deed in Asgard.”

“As long as my paycheque is equally epic,” the crystal captain said.

Their escape from the mother ship had been of necessity quick, but the process of landing on Haven was much slower, and the crystal captain was apparently not interested in keeping them informed of his progress.  He got his ship into orbit, then shut down the communications link so he could call his friend on the ground.  With the Leviathan still tethered, all the refugees on board could do was sit and twiddle their thumbs.

For that reason, Steve, Thor, and Hemsworth headed back down the tunnels to check on the others, who turned out to be hiding in the tubes that led down to the small vehicles.  Hemsworth rapped on the edge of one.

“You can come out now!” he said.

One by one, they reappeared – Johansson and Evans hiding in one tube, and Natasha and Hiddleston in another.  Hemsworth went to a third and pulled out Loki, who groaned at being handled.  He appeared to be recovering, although he was still very pale.  His eyes flickered open, and Thor drifted over to give his shoulder a squeeze.

“Brother,” he said.  “Do you feel better?”

Loki mumbled something in a foreign language.

“Excellent,” said Thor, and moved on to Hiddleston, who didn’t look very well, either.  “And how are…” Thor began, then did a double-take and reached to touch Hiddleston’s shirt.  For the first time, Steve realized there was a brown stain on it, and also on his green scarf.  Was that blood?  Hiddleston was fully conscious but still looked sicker than Loki, despite inhabiting a far more durable body.  What had happened to him?

“Was that always there?” Steve asked, as Thor touched the bloodstain.

“Probably,” said Hiddleston hoarsely.

“It was,” Johansson said.  “I saw it when we were back on the big ship.”

“Where did it come from?” asked Thor.

“My mouth, I think,” Hiddleston said.  “While they were questioning me.”

The word questioning made everybody stiffen.  They could all tell that was a euphemism, and knew exactly what must have really happened.

“Questioning you?” asked Hemsworth, moving closer.  Steve suddenly realized that Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston were probably good friends… or at least had a solid co-worker relationship.  Neither of them had ever tried to kill the other.  The complicated and violent history between Thor and Loki was, to them, nothing but a fiction.

Hiddleston squinted at Hemsworth.  “Which one are you?” he asked.

“I’m Chris,” Hemsworth replied.

Hiddleston looked from him to Thor and back again.  “They didn’t question you?”

Steve, Thor, and Nat glanced around at the other actors, at Evans and Hemsworth and Johansson.  They were shaking their heads.

“Shit,” said Evans.  “Tom, what did they do to you?”

Hiddleston reached for the wall to steady himself, but his arm wasn’t quite long enough.  Instead, Hemsworth put his arm’s around his friend’s middle and braced both of them so they could stay upright in the lack of gravity and face the others.  Steve observed that this was something he’d never expected to see – Thor in full armor, cradling Loki against himself.  It wasn’t the weirdest thing that had happened this week but it was close.

“I figured they must think I was Loki,” Hemsworth said.  He coughed a little and cleared his throat before going on.  “I thought I was dreaming, or that it was something like… what’s that movie again?  The one with the aliens who like Star Trek?”

“Galaxy Quest,” said Evans and Johansson at the same time.

“That one,” said Hiddleston with a slight nod.  “But they showed me to Thanos, and somehow just by looking he could tell I wasn’t right, I wasn’t the real one.  He was angry, and the aliens were terrified of him.”  He sounded as if this puzzled him, and Steve had to admit, the idea of terrified Chi’Tauri was an odd one.  “He told them not to come back without the real Loki.  So they figured I must know, and they put me in some kind of…” Hiddleston twitched as a shudder ran through his body just from thinking about it.

Johansson grabbed Hiddleston’s hand.  “We’re right here, Tom,” she said.  “You’re okay.”

He took a deep breath.  “I don’t even know what it was.  Like something the Spanish Inquisition would have used except it never actually touched me.  I just shouted over and over that I wasn’t Loki and I didn’t know where he was.  I tried to make myself wake up, but I couldn’t.  Pretty sure I threw up a couple of times.”  He touched his stained shirt.  “They let me out for a while and then I could think, and I told them that if I was where Loki had been, then he must be either in the Rockie’s filming or else at that convention in Calgary.”

“Right where they first showed up,” said Nat.  “Of course.”

“I wonder how they found the right universe,” said Steve.

“It matters not,” Thor decided.  “Only that they did.”

They hadn’t felt a need to torture and interrogate the others, because none of them knew anything useful.  Thanos only wanted Loki, or at least he had at the beginning.  “Did they say anything about the tesseract?” asked Steve.

Johansson was horrified.  “The man is suffering!” she told Steve.  “Don’t go throwing more questions at him!  They already did that!”

“We need it.”  Natasha put her hand on her double’s arm.  “If we’re going to get you guys back to your world, we need the wormhole to work, and it needs the tesseract.”

Steve shook his head, though.  Scarlett was right – he’d been premature.  “We can let him rest a little while,” he said.  “We’ll have to wait until Loki comes to, at least, so he can switch our bodies back like he promised.”  Steve still wasn’t sure he trusted Loki to do that, even after Loki had saved his life twice.  “Otherwise we’ll have to find our way to Earth and have Wanda do it, but we’ve gotta get you guys back to your Earth eventually.”

Johansson sighed.  “Right.  I wonder if they’ll let me quit.  The Marvel universe is a nice place to visit but I definitely don’t want to live here.”

“If it helps, we feel the same about your world,” said Natasha.

“I like the big where you have multiple options available for body-switching,” said Hemsworth.

“It’s always good to have a Plan B,” Steve agreed.

“Says the guy who doesn’t even have a Plan A most of the time,” Nat observed.

“I did see the tesseract,” said Hiddleston.

The banter had been on the verge of starting to make everyone feel a little better – Hiddleston’s statement deflated that at once.  All eyes turned to him.

“You did?” asked Steve, leaning closer.

“Yeah,” said Hiddleston.  “When they…” he cut himself off, and gave a high-pitched giggle that descended in a few seconds of coughing before he could finally explain what was funny.  “They abducted us!  We were abducted by aliens!”

“Oh, good,” groaned Evans.  “He’s never going to stop talking about that.”

“You saw the tesseract,” Steve prompted.

Hiddleston coughed a couple more times, and nodded.  “When they separated us.  They took the others… I guess to that prison room… but they took me and the tesseract to the big female’s room so they could show us to some kind of hologram of Thanos.  He said they would have to use it to get the real Loki, so the big one said she would keep it safe for him personally.”

“Was that on the same ship as us?” asked Steve.

“I don’t know,” said Hiddleston.  “I don’t remember leaving it.”

That meant the tesseract was probably still in the big queen’s chamber on the mother ship.  Hat was where they would have to go, then, to retrieve it… unless they just gave it to Thanos in the mean time.  Hopefully the Chi’Tauri would interpret his instructions not to come back without Loki as meaning they couldn’t deliver the tesseract either.  But they were going to have to go back, into the lion’s mouth so to speak, to get it out.  Hopefully Steve could at least do it in his own body this time.

A sound reverberating through the Leviathan’s structure got everybody’s attention – a clunk followed by a bang of something striking the outer hull.  Steve pushed himself back up towards the cockpit, and the front view showed him that the Ravager ship was pulling its harpoons back in.

“Oh, good, there you are,” said the crystal captain.  “I got us permission to dock.  Follow me.”

[the-firebird69]

Sir Christopher Lee (1922-2015) - Find A Grave Memorial

This is the Fate of what they say is for our son and although they did this to this man it is in no relation to him except that he was his brother and he was Jesus Christ and they did it they fully burned him and they said they had the AI and they did not and I still saying they have it and they don't and we are ones who grabbed it first

His mom took a while to figure it out then Arnie was also incinerated and they had his own son throw him into the water which is normal but the people doing it other people here and they're idiots because they're on the list to be burned and they thought it was a nice time and they don't get it Trump figured it out said the hell with you I'm going to have to do and bja never figured it out and he's a clueless idiot and he's a pain in the ass cuz he can't figure it out biden I can't figure it out. Preston and blabbermouth can't figure it out then on the next to the list and they are family and that's why they say and they're trying to grab my son into him in as well so we're going to kill every single one of them here and idiots don't get it in the way and helping them you sparked a war with this stupid s*** you're doing Mac and you're almost gone you can't figure it out.

Thor Freya

I'm irate of course you run around circles saying that they're alive Brian's gerard is playing him and you lose your seat the death penalty on them if you want people to know so we're going to kill you all they said they're grinning like it's a big surprise it did it to his dad and he went berserk and you lost half the planet now you're going to lose the rest of it and you put a death warrant on Max we started killing him and it's been new ones like everyday Mac Daddy died if it was just stupid you're realm is going to fall completely. That guy Ken from the campground he went into the same incinerator the next day you got rid of you up in the campground every single one of you his mom had something to say she said not me I'm sitting here with one's getting killed he said yeah so I had everyone executed up there a bunch of losers you can kill all of them the useless. Tons of them start dying and she said they all died up there tons of money was released when we used it and reusing it now and she's in a museum somewhere actually his dad is too that you can't recognize that ever and they're in Europe still in body worlds arnie still too. Dave stager too. Since you don't get it Tommy allen was right there grabbing them. So I say this you people don't know the difference you run around saying you killed them and people kill you and you say you put them in the museum and then everybody goes after corky if you don't know maybe you should not say it cuz we've been tracking it very closely Jesus was killed in 2015 and one of his clothes was burned he was put and repose and it hasn't been out yet he's still sitting in Israel it's unreal most of you don't know he doesn't know he knows they're not around cuz you people are a bunch of losers and you can't figure out how easy it is to be a normal person you just want to be assholes and get everything when you lose everything by doing it so you're ruining the whole realm and pretty soon mcabee in there and really it's a good test because you think they're gone they're going to put them in the pyramid take care of the rest of it and he says we should probably do that that's the rate this is going. Grab the AI and let Brian's gerard pretend he's him. I'm starting to see his point practically nobody gets it they'll want them to stay dead because they get stuff it's not a bad idea cuz nobody knows if they're around or not usually frankly they're a pain in the ass

Hera Zues

We have words for you too Ken like you're lazy and you're stupid and you don't know what's going on cuz you are just sit here wallowing and self-pity as if someone cares that much no one does. That sons life is with a lot more than any of yours and all of yours combined. We're here until said he can't stand these people need you Max gone and a piece of crap you don't even know if he's going either do youe how stupid s***. I mean come on you see them in the museum tested scanned I am so dumb. Can't let it appear that corky got the best to you well since you did the foreigners got real uppity

Thor Freya

Olympus