#unless its to talk abt him then do @ me
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toby fox needs to add like a bit of narration in deltarune abt kris like "they themmed they/themily down the stheirs" cus i cant go on seeing them constantly get he/himmed in yt comment sections
#this is my punishment for actually looking at yt comments isnt it#deltarune#kris dreemurr#maybe im looking too much into things but...#it also feels sorta. misogynistic when ppl default to he/him for androgynous/non binary characters#like ive seen multiple ppl use “well its understandable that ppl assume kris is a he when they have such masculine behaviours/hobbies”#the masculine behaviours and hobbies in question are being a prankster#i shit you not#like they called pranking... masc?? huh#can girls and others not get their silly on anymore??#also like i said before with the exception of like frisk and chara like almost every nb character is masculinised#like napstablook monster kid#god there has to be more but my memory is shit atm and i also have to go eat dinner#but i wanna talk more abt like why it feels so misogynistic to me#i thinnk it has to do with the fact that defaulting to he/him just makes women feel like an afterthought. ig like unless its confirmed then#they must be a guy to be relevant or smth#and also like how much they gender entirely non gender specific things (see: pranking)#ofc it wouldnt be BETTER per se if they imagined these characters as girls but its smth ive noticed and i just get frustrated cus#it feels sexist but i cant FULLY articulate why#i feel like i had the answer a lil while ago but i forgot#i might come back to this who knows#wow ok rant over#for now
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some doodles
#i meant to put the balor one in the previous post but i forgor 😭its in a diff file from the sketch dump i was coloring in so it just didnt#exist in my mind at all. i felt like smth was missing as i was posting it but i couldnt place what hlep#adeline and eiland have been driving me insane lately. expect more of them. probably.#dont minf the last two guys. some concepts for future farms 😋 (pls mind them im crazy abt all my farmers even if they technically dont -#exist yet. pls ask abt them or smth pls im nroaml i can be nroma l i prommy)#fields of mistria#fom balor#sona#im gonna start tagging that i think.#fom eiland#fom adeline#fom elsie#fom farmer#my art#guys can i just say that im so happy that balor is silver n not gold cus otherwise i would have to confront a part of me im not proud of#we shouldnt talk abt it but like yeah jjust know i like his silver and his whole deal#have such a softspot n bias for characters who dont settle anywhere. who never lay down their roots or whatever. who keep their past secret#like oughh hes hitting so many marks#i like hawthorne a lot. hes more developed in my head. and also i like his dead look and hair bows. i have so many ideas abt him man it hur#i promised myself i wouldnt make a new save file til i reached y2 w rory but apperantly errols bday is cursed bc the game has frozen twice#sorry if you read all of these tags. go to my askbox w fom stuff or smth. ask abt my farmers plsplspls pl s jk haha unless. maybe even#gimme drawing reqs for fom in general. ok tyvm ly sorry for yapping. its what i do best
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I can't find it now but there's a post about suspension of disbelief and how it's broken when the story starts trying to excuse it. "character gets knocked unconscious for hours but there's no further issues from this" okay 👍 "and actually this makes perfect sense because of this and that" um no it doesn't why are you lying to me. like i am willing to ignore the holes and the discrepancies!! all you need to do is let me and not bring unnecessary attention to it!!!
and all that is my issue with the whole robin child soldier argument. like i am willing to ignore it i am willing to engage with the fantasy literally all you need to do is NOT try to convince me that Actually It's Fine Because They Want To Do It or whatever. like literally just shut up about it and i can engage with the fantasy!!
#my dc posting#dc#robin#batman#like. if you want to tell a story and not worry abt the child endangerement thing just DONT BRING IT UP ???#all you're doing when you bring it up is telling me this is something i'm allowed to think abt when it comes to the story#and then you tell me Um Actually It's Fine ?? no! what the fuck are you talking about!!#i am tryinggggg to just have fun n read fics your lil “isnt that child endangerement and kinda fucked up?” “no actually they wouldve done i#anyways bla bla bla batman couldnt have stopped them bla bla bla''#is COUNTERPRODUCTIVEEE#dick grayson#jason todd#tim drake#damian wayne#<- tagging the robins sorry#sorry this just. this topic annoys me so much#...also ''batman couldnt have stopped them/they wouldve done it with or without him'' are literally#just factually incorrect in jason's case. he did not in fact start on his own and the only thing batman wouldve#needed to do to stop him is literally just NOT make him robin BUT- at this point im just beating a dead horse on that topic#w how many times i bring it up lmao#like. in real life you cant just knock a person unconscious for hours with no consequences on them.#but i dont care when it happens in fiction despite being not realistic!! bc its fiction!!!#unless of course the characters out of nowhere do a lil sidequest PSA abt how actually doing that is fine#and completely safe with no risks#yknow??#like if that happened id be annoyed and like no its fucking not fine why are you trying to convince me. just move on and dont bring it up#and I wont bring it up#anyway. yeah these are just some thoughts im having rn sorry its not more coherent and put-together i cant be assed rn lmao
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if he has 5000 fans I'm one of them, if he has 100 fans I'm one of those, if he as 1 fan I am that one, if he has 0 fans I have died and gone to hell to see him personally. I rest my case
#demos ramblings#good omens#its 4 am i should be asleep but i wanted to finish rewatching ep4 s2 dont @ me#unless its to talk abt him then do @ me#free my man he did all that but i don't care#he just wanted that promotion and he deserves it give him a raise in whatever currency they got down in hell#fucking satan bucks or whatever#i cant be the only one who likes him come on#someones always gotta carry the weight of being obsessed with a side character no one gives a shit abt and it might as well be me#oh look its 4:20 am yippieeee (i am not in control of my actions rn)#goodnight everyone ill see you tomorrow when i regret this post
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As a certified Springtrap simp, which backstory for William do you prefer: one where he was a good dad driven mad maybe by jealousy or the loss of his youngest child, or one where he was always an abusive narcisist that cared for nobody but himself?
i feel like the, "im evil so i must also abuse my creations and/or children" has been really overdone. like idk im just tired of seeing it personally. and the whole "haha!!! im craaaazy!!" thing we get in the comics also rubs me the wrong way b/c. thats not. how he's portrayed in the games at all. esp hearing him in sister location he feels like he would be a calm sort of madness. he seems like a rational guy. he doesnt talk like that. he doesnt act like that. it seems really contradictory
i feel like him being a good dad (or at the least caring deeply for his children) gives him more urgency and like,,,,makes sense w/what we're given. it aligns the most w/the theories we have asta why he started killing etc. i also just enjoy the tragedy of it. he started out as a good guy w/good intentions and then was twisted inta something unrecognizable b/c he was so focused on tryin ta reach his goal. personally my hc is that he was jelly of henry and then the death of crying child tipped him over the edge and started his whole killing thing. imo its better than, "hee hoo i was evil FOREVER!! im PURE evil and have always been EVIL!!!" like. okay. wheres the subsistence?? give him depth dammit
why would he build a robot for his daughter if he didnt love her. why would he tell crying child he would put him back together if he didnt love him (not really cemented as something he said, but i mean who else would say it?? certainly not michael he was a boy. i think as a fandom we assume its heavily implied). it makes the afton kid's deaths so much more impactful. the prospect of this man losing pieces of his life bit by bit and being driven insane by it is enthralling
i love a good chaotic descent. i love thinking abt him being consumed w/a need ta revive his own son becoming obsessed w/life and death as a result. oh the irony of loving your own kid so much you would take others children away from them, knowing how losing your own felt. and the twisting of emotions as he sees his son michael someone who he would've died for, try ta stop him. b/c hes not understanding, they need ta b together again. thats all hes tryin ta do. get his family back tagether. and all these fucking obstacles are in the way of his only goal. and the manifestation of hatred of his own son b/c of this. b/c hes getting in his way. like, talk abt juicy. i want that man ruined. it just adds a layer of psychological torture that i just adore. william fucking ruined everything. he ruined his own happy family, he ruined his own life, and if he actually mourns that? chefs kiss.
my thought is, why even have him have a family in the first place if they're just there ta demonstrate he's evil? seeing the afton family purely as a plot device, we already know afton killed kids. one can assume a person who kills kids is a bad person (maybe? see this is where the juiciness comes in w/him caring for his children. is it really bad from his perspective if hes trying ta save his kid? or is it noble?) so we dont need ta b demonstrated ta that hes a bad person again. if hes just pure evil from the get go it doesnt make sense ta me ta have the afton kids be prominent in the story (besides michael, but even then he could probably be replaced by one of the victims family members) when you could illustrate the same point by focusing on the kids hes killed and their families. why do the afton kids matter if he treats all children the same. why are we focusing so much on the afton family and what appear ta b major story beats in their story, especially since the children he has killed do not get as fleshed out as the aftons do. i feel like if his family wasnt important ta him we wouldnt hear abt it at all. you could achieve the same message by making him single and childless.
do u kno how many stories there are of "Righteous Child Of A Horrible Guy Who Hates Everything, Even Their Own Family, Goes Out Ta Stop Their Parent And Save The Day" there are? its b/c its too easy!!! its too easy for u ta assume that a character is the worst and has been the worst forever!!! its too easy ta assume that an evil character would abuse their family!!! its too easy ta assume an evil character wouldn't have traits besides jealousy, hatred and narcissism!!!!
#spacie splains#idk i think of things really objectively#i dont like clutter in my stories i like things ta have a point#and i like them ta serve a purpose and be unique. not just demonstrate the same facts over and over again#unless thats like a theme and intentional but yk#like i said i dont like the 'im evil and treat my family like shit' trope#overdone ta hell and back#so its a personal thing#thank you for asking me abt this! i love talking abt him as u can see :)#give me morally grey characters give me characters who descend inta the worst version of themselves for ways they could have prevented#give me characters who know they're spiraling give me characters who know its wrong but cant stop#give me characters who do horrible things for a cause that is sentimental and noble ta them#give me characters who you can understand why they did that even if it was awful#WOW I TALKED A LOT#.....8 years of brainrot‚ even if i wasnt conscious of it#I DONT LIKE THE EASY ROAD!!! I DONT WANT TA BLINDLY HATE HIM I WANT 2 THINK!!!#i like these rants i do so ill tag him#as a treat ta myself#william afton#fnaf#you: ask me a simple 'hey which one do u prefer?' me: here is my whole dissertation on the subject that is william afton
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#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
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//vent
cursed with never knowing whats appropriate and what isnt in conversation. talked to a guy yesterday and he asked me a question abt one of my interests and i answered. and then he just. did not follow up. even tho i asked him smthn. and like id love to point it out but goddd damn. do i not want to cross boundaries
#//vent#like hes cool. hes nice. i like that guy.#....but.#like holy shit ik im not entitled to answers or engagement but unless were talking abt smthn hes into its like talking to a brick wall#and i dont think he does it on purpose?? and i dont think im much better either#its whats stopping me from pointing it out. bc im not sure that im not the same exact way#like i do try yknow?? to engage w shit???? to answer questions and respond to every part of a message???#talking to him sometimes is like having a conversation and when its my turn he just gets up and leaves in the middle of me talking#closes the door behind him and im like “oh hell be back! :)” and then 26 hours later its just. nothing.#i dont wanna start shit i dont... but i feel like im losing my mind#any time i wanna share smthn i like and am passionate abt its just. wall time#i can have wall time in the privacy of my own home man cmon.#i dont wanna seem needy or entitled by pressing the issue but its just. not making me feel great#idk im just. idk.#im too afraid of asking for things lmfao im so convinced if i do people will leave#ughhhh i just dont know what to do here#:/
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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
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Yesterday at the high school I was in for this art teacher and they all had like projects they were gonna present to work on in Google classroom, so like many days as a substitute teacher it was quiet and I mostly just sat at the desk and read. But then this one kid in my peripheral vision was looking at me and when I glanced over her laughed a little. And I looked away cuz I was like whatever maybe he was whispering smth w his friends.
But then he says "I have a question"
"Yeah?"
"What two colors make purple?"
"Oh. Red and blue"
"Thank you... I appreciate the no judgment answer"
I didn't even think about it lol
#when youve been asked enough silly questions you just accept all of them#tales from diana#and this class in particular was not an intro class which. makes it a little extra funny#i told him ive heard sillier questions and he said 'like what?' and i was just like... oh idk but i used to work prek#i guess i am such a no judgment person that it didn't even register to me hed worry abt me laughing at him#u just forgot kid! its ok it happens to the best of us#there was also another interaction i had at the end of the day which was kinda weird#the last like 10 minutes. there was this kid in the front of the room like#apparently he was dancing and i guess i turned my head like toward the whiteboard for one sec#bc i was thinking abt erasing it. which was right next to him#and he was like 'she totally saw me bust that move' to his friends#i didn't know if they meant me or they were talking abt some other student. but fwiw i totally was not looking at him lol#but five minutes later i go up to erase the board#and the kid is still standing there and he's like 'what was your name again?' (it was literally on the board still. kids dont read)#'miss -----' 'oh. it was nice to meet you' and i was kinda like uh the fuck lol#i can't stress enough i dont 'meet' most of these high school students i just take attendance#i didn't say a word to any kids this class unless they asked to go to the bathroom#but i was like. uhm. 'nice meeting you too' like wtf?#'nice being here at my job where i oversee dozens of interchangeable students everyday'#ive always said i can usually tell when students have a crush on me. but that really applies to like. k-8#bc of how little i really get to work w high schoolers it's not like i can just read their minds#even if im a 'pretty substitute' to them i dont know that and they dont talk to me and i dont care#it's definitely weirder to have a teenager talk to u like ur a cute girl or smth. bc they don't do it in the earnest way of younger kids#not that that was like an offensive interaction it was just completely unexpected and awkward lol
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every time i meet a laurance stan theres like a 15% chance theyll like gene, 25% chance theyll just go "eh ok", and a 60% chance theyll go "hey u really like this character right? and u dont want people hating on ur comfort character right to ur face right? here have a 20 paragraph essay i typed up on how much i hate him, including details like how i portray him as an abuser and a rapist! u dont need to thank me :)"
#❄.txt#me: (talking about how much i love gene and talking about how hes my silly little comfort blorbo)#the shittiest and meanest person ever about to send me into a four hour long panic attack by ranting abt how much they hate him: hey#its like HOLY FUCK I DONT CARE IF U HATE HIM!!!! I DONT CARE!!!!!#IS IT NOT COMMON SENSE TO JUST. NOT FUCKING DO SHIT LIKE THAT#like im literally just talking about a character i like!!!! this is not an invitation to go 'oh yeah i fucking hate him! wanna hear me tell#u about how much i hate him? it isnt optional btw im going to whether u want me to or not'#i literally cannot make this any clearer unless i straight up slap a dni banner type thing onto every fucking post and message i make#like i dont like laurance and i often portray him as an asshole but i dont jump into every laurance-centered conversation i see just to tal#about how much i hate him!!! that is a SHITTY THING TO DO!!!!!#i genuinely do not fucking care if gene is ur number 1 most hated character. just dont talk about it directly to me??? go find someone#else to talk about that to???? it isnt that fucking hard to not be an asshole UGH#tw abuse#tw abuse mention#tw rape#tw rape mention#ask to tag
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Top 5 moment of cheeky Sebastian Vettel?
You guys making me choose between my favorite things.....
1. The entirety of his Top Gear interview (x)
2. I already mentioned Abu Dhabi 2009, so: any time he shoves Jenson during 2009:
3. Him attempting to pull Mark into the pool post-Monaco 2010 (x)
4. Any time he does an impression of another person, but especially when he does it right in front of said-person (x)
5. Most radio moments where he's bitching, but particularly Monaco 2013 when he got the fastest lap "for satisfaction" even tho Rocky told him not to (x)
#again: obviously not an exhaustive list as i am limited by 5 LOL#for the radio one i wanted to say turkey 2010 but i dont know if that counts as cheeky#id say more bastard(affectionate)#i love that monaco 2013 one it reminds me of Max jeddah 2023 but way more cheeky#top gear interview is amazing#im not finished 2009 yet but istg every time he and jense are on the podium together he is extremely cheeky#(lol still feels weird to say cheeky as it doesnt rly exist in American english)#also most of these are rbr seb bcs he is my beloved brat <3 and its hard to not rhink of him first#thank you for the ask!!#its a lot of fun to talk abt Seb since i dont get to do so a lot these days unless its old races#catie.asks.
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i am the talker. sorry. during movies and tv shows (not in a theater unless its empty in which case SORRY!) BUT I LOVE TO DISCUSS WHATNIM WATCHING I LOVE TO ASK QUESTIONS I KNOW THE MOVIE WILL ANSWRR I LOVE TO whats the word. like spectate but for ... its like prediction but its. like spectate .. but prediction. like when youre like Thinking about something and. theorize i guess? i feel it starts with an s. anyways i love to do whatever that shit is SPECULATE. SPECULATE I LOVE TO SPECULATE WHILE WATCHING!!! SRY!! I LOVETO MAKE JOKES AND LAUGH lock me up nd such.
#if u do not like ppl who talk during movies Kill me dead. sorry... im sorry#I TRY NOT TO DO IT if ik someone doesnt like it but i like talking im the talker#ik u guys know rhis bc lord do i shut up ive made like 18 posts in a row just Going. and im sorry abt that. but anyways like um. like um#ummm ive told u this before but i still type when my brains not doing the words bc i hatee to be still basically . and typing makes me think#bitsies bit better. bitsies is qnother one the words. you know it aoked abt the words Bitsies is huge. love you to bitsies and such. also#splitsies.. im always like We could go splitsies on this food Huge in connor world What. OH right im quiet irl basically but im not#I'm like. silent unless spoken to Except 4 family Usually Unless its a So Insanely Bad Day. but w lamp its preeeeetty much always safe#and my mom is usually safe and my dad is on occasion safe so yay. and the kids i can dalk to pretty easily but i usually get.#well ee dont have to get jnto it. i dissociate a bit and im bad at talking to annie sometimes bc we dont have a ton in common and we havent#spent a ton of time together. Fully my fault. and phoenix is Very. i worry abt him hes very lonely and i know thar and i wish i could spend#more time with him i feel so guilty. but we dont have to get into that. ok. lets change the SUBJECT#right so im quiet very very quiet irl but if were close i talk so much stream of consciousness much like. pointing at rhis podt. ^ the sky
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Hello! Hope you’re having a wonderful week 😊
Can I ask, what are some of your favorite books??
What inspired you and continues to inspire your writing?
HELLO ! ! ! ! !i am having a great week!! ;--; i hope you are as well!!
THANK U FOR ASKING!!! my favorite book is despair by nabokov. in terms of style he's my favorite prose writer.. love him to death i think his writing is just beautiful. he can also be hilarious (albeit tongue-in-cheek). i've read almost all his books/short stories, and his memoir.
fav poets are baudelaire, rimbaud, ts eliot. baudelaire is my fav writer of all time - his themes resonate with me most.
love shirley jackson as well for spooky stuff; i think she's great at finding horror in the mundane. love anything and everything gothic. love poe of course. lovecraftian themes (rly wish he werent such a bastard) and landscapes: the outlandish, strange, and unknown. all things otherworldly and fantastical in a dark way. love also epics/mythos regardless of origin. folklore, fairy tales, etc (the darker the origin the better, and when it comes to unsanitized versions of fairytales it's usually dark). greek mythology, panthea across cultures. dante's divine comedy comes to mind too.
i am MOST inspired by the themes of the Decadents (namely,, beauty, indulgence, materialism, luxury) PARTICULARLY!!! where these themes intersect with horror - finding beauty in the evil, disgusting, and grotesque (esp as captured by baudelaire. the sensual dealing of the shocking and repulsive). find me where horror and erotica meet and blur together. (to me there's no real delineation between the two. this extends to art as a visual medium also. one of my fav artists is takato yamamoto, eroguro extraordinaire.) anyway what i mean to say is: IF IT ROMANTICIZES THE MACABRE THEN I AM THERE. !!!!!
#thotbox#thotmail#THANK U I LIKE TALKING ABT THIS#library cherub#ALSO ! i read a lot of short story collections. i am a short story connoisseur#if u will#something i do also is get like. those 'norton anthology of world literature' and then i read thru it and if i encounter smth i rly like i#read more from the author#I JSUT LOVE ANTHOLOGIES#OH ALSO another favorite from this yr: 'piercing' by ryu murakami#this is very particular of me but i dont read books unless both the plot and the prose draws me in. if i dont like it i will simply just#quit readimng#i dont stick it out if im not feeling it#i rly love reading horror but its hard to find well-written horror and a lot of the 'horror giants' er...i am not a fan of their writing#some guy that rhymes with shmeven sfing#he aint my guy. i liked the shining tho. but ive dropped several others by him bc i found them insufferable
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my mom will look me in the eyes and say "it makes your brother really upset that you wont talk to him" i do not care !!!!! i dont care. if me not talking to him made him so upset he shouldnt have treated me like shit and been transphobic to me. its really not hard to treat ppl w respect.
#teamcasper#its fun to imagine what caricature of evil he has conjured up to tell his therapist abt me#all of this is honestly kind of funny bc basically every time we spoke leading up to the incident that caused me to stop speaking to him#i had to tell him to not talk to me w a tone (something he completely denied he did. which is why i pointed it out every time)#and then i do something abt the fact hes treating me like shit and it makes him go fucking ballistic#i hate the way pop psychology talks abt abusers/abusive ppl but genuinely he is like a caricature of them .#he keeps trying to talk to me and im pretty sure his therapist is encouraging him to#I AM NEVER GOING TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN !!!!!!!!!!!#unless he spontaneously becomes a different person it will not happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i am not a bad person for setting this boundary (i say to myself one million times . (i already know this though))#oh my god will this bitch (me) shut up
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#the other day i was talking to my dad and he said im at a crossroads in my life except its an intersection of many different roads#and i have no idea which one to take. but because the semester is starting tomorrow it feela more like im standing at the edge of a cliff#waiting for the ground to crumble out from under me. not sure what im gonna tell my PI when i see him monday bc i feel like ive got one foot#out the door. its just hard when you dont know what to do or which direction to go or what opportunities you'll even get#and if i say goodbye to this program im probably saying goodbye to astr0biology. and if i dont go back to my old boss im probably saying#goodbye to microbial ecology. and if i say goodbye to those things i might be saying goodbye to a job where im passionate abt what i do#in exchange for being less insane and being paid an actual salary lol#its just frustrating and it makes me even more twisted up inside bc im teaching this semester and im like#how do i put passion into this when i#when all i feel is frustration and uncertainty. i dont even want to go into my office. when i left i couldnt sit in there without crying#but we'll see. too late to back out now. unless i have a breakdown halfway through#unrelated
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ok. ok. everything is fine. picked a college and my dad wants me to wait and not enroll til saturday night or sunday while we do more research on loans (i dont like this idea i already know im going here and it's not like i have a better price anywhere else so why not just enroll now but ok) but then. then. finally. ill be finished
#loans suck tho#god#and my dad is making this way more stressful than it needs to be#me: hey can u help me w loans now#him: yeah [dissapears to fuck around for a some minutes]#me: uhm. can we do this.#him: [grumbling about how my mom should do this]#me: if u dont want to help me i can do it w her#him: gets all mad bc im claiming he doesnt want to help and he's lucky i dont have money or else i would never talk to them#factually incorrect!! ur just saying u dont remember/care abt any time i talk to u unless its abt money and pisses u off :^)#andn also u are making your visibly stressed child even more stressed. u could just not say that. u could just not be mean and then i would#talk to u more#gid trash
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