#unless its like fucking historial/period drama

[legend-had-it]

tbh I think most like media where homophobia isn't explicitly stated it doesn't need to exist, like especially if it's just to give characters trauma ab it

[anamelessfool]

Belated Intro Post

Hi, I'm ANamelessFool and I do lots of seemingly unrelated things, but that is because I am an air sign. I will be 36 on February 9.

My interests boil down to the History of Things. I like getting lost in time periods (hence the current 70s hyperfixation). I'm a Roleplayer and a Medieval Reenactor. When I ran out of costumes and little things to make for myself I picked up the BJD hobby and now make lil guys like @resin-popia

I love films and went to film school. I love talking about films to literally anyone. I like action, period pieces and supernatural horror. I really enjoy when supernatural horror adds to the human drama like in The Thing or The Lighthouse or Hereditary. Something about Interlopers wandering into an alternate dimension with its own horrific unrelated logic is fascinating.

I have always liked the occult, and I study occult topics like tarot, automatic writing, meditation. I will also talk to you forever about all that.

So yeah all my writing relates to all that.

I'm writing a huge interrelated AU because that's just how my brain works. Most of my Ghost fics exist there unless it's a pseud.

So historical art, pageantry, supernatural horror, costume design, family drama, music all boils down to why Ghost grabbed me by the fucking throat in 2022. I'm sad I didn't know about them sooner.

I don't do fic or HC requests because most of the time I can't get into writing mode on demand. (Sometimes I feel up for it.) I will talk to pretty much anyone on here about anything so don't be shy to drop me a line. I'm always afraid I'm too much for people so I keep to myself (which is why I never posted an intro post at all)

Nice to meet you and happy to be here.

My Fic List | My AO3

[officialpenisenvy]

no preferences for media/ships, just wanted to see how such dynamics unfold in works an Aficionado & Expert™ would award their seal of quality to 🥰

okay so this is mostly jjk with two. sigh. notable exceptions. im SURE there's some works i missed but unfortunately ao3 doesn't let you sort your history by tags so you will have to forgive me for that 😔

black sheep, green pastures is a family drama about the fallout from an alpha teenager going into unexpected heat and raping his kid brother. it's genuinely a masterpiece and the omegaverse element is very understated, it's not in-your-face at all but it works to accentuate and deepen the already complex themes the fic tackles.

one good thing is a blessing is a bodice ripper set in the edo period, as an alpha outlaw meets a pregnant omega on the run from his clan and helps him escape. it's my golden standard for well-written a/b/o longfics, and it's definitely a fic for the omegaverse fans, featuring many common tropes and lore elements that blend seamlessly with the historical setting to create a fun and romantic story that is a great intro to the average omegaverse.

honey drop is an abandoned longfic about a young alpha man who finds himself adopting an omega-to-be young child and grooming him into compliance. it's very heavy on the omegaverse, and it's a very uncomfortable read at times, but to me that only adds to the story being told, which is very self-aware about its own darkness despite being cloaked in sweet possessiveness (also worth noting that they don't have sex in the fic, the author abandoned it just before that narrative beat).

ripe is a very dark and short fic about an alpha man taking advantage of his child ward's heat, brought on early due to the boy having been molested by his father in the past. the omegaverse here is more of a pretense, an excuse for the horrific and mundane abuse more than anything; i really love the way it's written, it's incredibly evocative and the author always writes the point of view of the rapist with staggering accuracy (if you like fics where gojo is a disgusting creep you will love this author).

this heart, pierced by a sword is an insane star wars prequel fic where alpha child anakin is the antichrist and obi-wan is his mother mary. it's fucking crazy and weird and lowkey disturbing and well-written enough to keep you hooked for 30k words and also palpatine is there. go read this especially if you've watched the prequels or are in the star wars fandom. it's fucking batshit

the omegas will play is a fun and simple smut fic about two omega best friends fagging out in front of their alphas. it's very uncomplicated and it doesn't explore much of anything (though it has some interesting tidbits such as an omega with an alpha complex), the sex is decent, this foursome dynamic is quite fun to read and it's a trashy indulgence of mine.

head above the water is. sigh. an attack on titan omegaverse fic which has unfortunately grabbed me by my heaaart with its dirty claws. it's about a troubled alpha boy whose father is sexually abusing his younger omega stepbrother and if anything about that premise sounds appealing to you i promise it's not worth reading it. it's not well written at all (though it's by far not the worst fanfiction prose out there) and the omegaverse tropes are present to the point of being overbearing and cloying. to me it's camp but i understand that not everyone can share my delicate sensibilities. i read this out of morbid curiosity and it ruined my life so don't read this unless you're also ready for that or at least for a very bad fic. im only including this out of intellectual honesty lord have mercy on me.

yeah that should be about it as far as omegaverse fic recs. obviously i have read a lot more i probably have read them in the hundreds. however most of them are VERY badly-written and not particularly compelling. they're still great to jerk off to if you're like me and get turned on by a light breeze but definitely not worth examining out of intellectual curiosity. this is like a cream of the crop from my personal omegaverse history. hope you enjoy ❤️

[absolutebl]

a follow up from my yelling:

hi hello yes i have seen smol earth's instagram and it is a breath of fresh air. i don't have an instagram but i was actually considering breaking my social media abstinence vow to follow him lmao.

but i do actually have a few questions: why do you think thailand (instead of somewhere like taiwan where they actually have marriage equality) is the one giving us actually good genderqueer rep? do you think it has something to do with there being a "third gender"? why do you think taiwan aren't doing anything with genderqueer rep? and what are your predictions for korea and japan in terms of genderqueer representation in the future?

my bets are on kbl being second to feature a non-cis characer, based on the fact that we had a surprisingly well done trans character in a mainstreem k-drama.

thank you,

~linc

why do you think thailand (instead of somewhere like taiwan where they actually have marriage equality) is the one giving us actually good genderqueer rep? do you think it has something to do with there being a "third gender"

Hum yes I think it has to do with 3rd gender and cultural and linguistic malleability around ideas of gender and sexuality. I don't want to be biologically deterministic though. The two are linked, it's not necessarily that the one causes the other.

I’m assuming you are not including Pinoy and Vietnamese stuff? Because they had this covered from the start. 

here more kinda stuff around this topic:

Queer Lens & Thai BL 

BL Linguistics & Queer Identity I Am Gay versus I Like Men 

Husband Wife Language in Thai BL (SOTUS, TharnType + a lot of 2022 BL) 

Touch & Daisy in Secret Crush On You - Queer Coded Language and 3rd Gender Identity 

Daisy, kathoey, 3rd third gender, Thai language & culture (and a bit of BL)  

Thai BL Lacks Representation of Butch & Transgender Men (and why this has to do with Thailand's 3rd Gender) 

my bets are on kbl being second to feature a non-cis characer, based on the fact that we had a surprisingly well done trans character in a mainstreem k-drama.

And... I'll take that bet because I'd win, Taiwan is the one who actually just put a femme in a manger role in their latest BL HIStory 5. Admittedly, a side and not a main but still, this is a pretty big deal for them. 

Unless you count The New Employee’s pride college crew? 

Why do I think Taiwan is so late to the party? 

Well Taiwan is still very much Chinese in culture and aesthetics (for all its westernization). China doesn't have much of a history portraying cross dressing or other visual markers of queerness in their pop culture, legends, or mythos. Every culture has some, of course. Korea does (mostly women cross dressing as men, which they flipping LOVE). Japan really does (check out Edo period Wakashu for an epic historical mind fuck) also they LOVE (fetishize) gender bending, crossdressing, and intentional androgyny on the main, and have a strong tradition of queer films and representation (just not much in JBL for source yaoi reasons). So I think Japan probably actually got there first, just not in the shows we follow (see soemthing like 2015′s Udagawachou de Matteteyo or 2021 Colorful Love: Genderless Danshi ni Aisareteimasu)

I think a country's heritage even if it's staged cross dressing (men as women) for punch down humor (as we see throughout Western history) plays into how and what queerness is depicted by that country in pop culture's modern iteration. Also how it crawls down its own path to acceptance and representation in the entertainment industry. 

What are your predictions for korea and japan in terms of genderqueer representation in the future?

Japan we are gonna (I hope) see some more out gay/queer actors in leading roles, as well as a skew more kinky stuff in general, and more androgynous visuals plus cross dressing their characters for stage, comedy, or fantasy etc... (See My Love Mix Up for an example of this). 

Never discount Japan if they have access to maid costume. 

Or a butler/waiter uniform for that matter.  

Korea I don’t know. I think butch lesbians are more likely from them as side characters than anything else and even then, I’m not confident. They like gender bending in their kpop fashion but they like their male mannerisms to be super masc there, clearly. Manic pixie dream boy = yes, but actual femme =  seems pretty frowned upon, if not outright bashed. (See the Holland incident.)   

Taiwan: even though they are unquestionably the queerest country to produce BL, and the only one with marriage equality, Taiwan is very invested in super masc presenting BL leads. (As, indeed, was China in its BL heyday.) It's kinda a matter of taste but also a kinda in your face: 

our two men and manly men and they wanna fuck each other. Whacha gonna do about it?

Is this a bit of a side effect of leaning hard away from seme/uke and Thailand's obsession with imposing a heterosexual skew on their BL? Maybe. Taiwan also distinguishes itself by rarely adapting from graphic novel content, or even novels, so they are particularly separated from a literary tradition that likes the skewed het-ness of seme/uke. 

Also all these countries are following a trend, which is towards more and better queer rep of the kind that is partly dictated by global taste. (Well, except Japan, of course. Because Japan sticks to its lanes.) 

BL is getting not only queerer than we supposed it could, but queerer than we can suppose.

[kyotosummer]

Had a MOMENT as a Disney collector and I am SCREAMING.

Warning: talking about the haunting of Song of the South - read at your own risk.

I found out Spanish copyright laws allow Song of the South to be public domain over there, and happened to snag a blu ray copy that works on a U.S. player.

Why did I buy it? I am currently going through a Disney Production Process hyperfixation. It happens every decade or so; it’s not important.

Here’s what’s crazy: I’d only seen this movie once, and I think it was just the Briar Rabbit bits with Zip Ah Dee Do Dah mixed in. It’s bugged me on and off for years that they just refuse to release this movie, and I never understood WHY - even through their different loyalty channels (D23; Disney Movie Club; Disney Movie Insiders, etc.), this movie just wasn’t available.

And I finally got fed up when I watched The Reluctant Dragon on Disney +, which is terribly sexist and has racist characatures, but is given value on the channel because it is wonderfully educational on the Disney film process and is basically a commercial for Walt’s multi-plane camera. Meanwhile, Song of the South contained amazing insertion of animation into live action that would really struggle to be seen again for YEARS, and we’re ignoring it?!!?

I get, like, all the politics, but with how stubborn so many fans are, not to mention how devoted Disney Corp is to Walt’s bigger projects, I ask again, WE’RE IGNORING IT?!

So anyway, I buy the Spanish version of the film, throw on the English audio, and hit play to find out what’s SO BAD about this movie that Disney’s willing to just abandon it.

…..I made it maybe ten minutes in. Holy shit, this movie’s cursed. This movie’s UNMARKETABLE.

And it’s not cursed for the reasons you’d think - I haven’t gotten through the movie yet, but unless there are hints that someone gets physically punished at some point, this movie’s pretty on-par with similar ones of its kind in that time period. Also, it opened some doors to show more kids an accurate history of the source of the Briar Rabbit stories, which is something Disney could spin EASILY.

Yeah, sure, the Georgia premier was a dumb choice - but James Baskett’s rendition of Zip Ah Dee Do Dah was so beloved, it could have easily overshadowed the premier drama with time.

No, the depiction of race isn’t why this movie’s completely unmarketable.

This movie’s unmarketable because the other star is BOBBY FUCKING DRISCOLL, IN WHAT SEEMS TO BE HIS FIRST DISNEY ROLL AND ACTING HIS LITTLE HEART OUT.

You CAN’T watch this movie without wondering who this little boy is, and looking him up will break your heart. HE haunts this story.

Disney and James Baskett were on great terms for the rest of Baskett’s life if I understand correctly- Walt even pushed for him to get an academy award. Like that controversy can be spun - it can be propaganda’d to be seen in other lights.

But you can’t propaganda your way out of the way Disney and the rest of Hollywood abandoned Bobby.

[irhinoceri]

Ok, I have to talk about how these two adaptations of the story of Lady Jane Grey are so intertwined. It seems clear to me that My Lady Jane is more of a fantasy AU fix-it fic of the 1986 movie than as an alternate historical AU. I watched a documentary about the real history and predictably it’s a lot less about tragic teen romance and way more about Jane as a Protestant puppet… though the documentary did try to lean a little too hard into the idea that Jane actually had more agency than history says… because trying to girlboss a 15 year old who died after her father-in-law royally fucked up an attempted coup is trendy, I guess.

Anyway, the overwhelming focus on Jane and Guildford as an arranged marriage to true love pipeline in the show has got to owe its life to the movie…. Not that you couldn’t look at historical records and be inspired independently, since Guildford is one of the very few people who didn’t desert Jane when things went south and died for it (if you choose to believe he was a wife guy and not that he was just in it for the promise of being made king himself, or that he was just a teenage boy who had no more control over his life than Jane had over hers) but a show released in 2024 based on a book published in 2016 is definitely going to draw comparisons to the previous most famous mainstream adaptation of the historical events. Right? Right.

There is a lot that is different but I am putting on my confirmation bias glasses because I can see how the authors/creators of My Lady Jane took cues from the movie.

Their unhappy wedding where Guildford is double fisting wine goblets and Jane is giving withering glares is beat for beat like the movie. The “God’s Teeth” thing that Guildford says in both movie/show.

Them growing closer and falling in love while off on their isolated honeymoon. The displaced people living in the woods that open Jane’s eyes to the larger problems in the world just in time for her to be made queen and start trying to enact sweeping societal reforms… though I also found it deeply ironic that in the show it’s the Protestant stand-in Ethians being persecuted and banished to the woods, where in the movie it’s beggars branded and cast off because the Protestants stole the land from the Catholic Church and didn’t allow the peasants to farm there anymore. There’s a lot more focus on asking what the the point of Protestant v Catholic fighting really is when all it does is cause people to starve and turn into beggars when their livelihood is destroyed by the glorious revolution. And the show takes all that nuance and just turns it into a simplistic Verity (Catholic) Bad and Ethian (Protestant) Good which maybe proves you shouldn’t try to convert real world struggles into fantasy allegories unless you are prepared to really think about what that is saying about the reality you are distorting. But whatever. That may be too deep a question for a story that leans all in on the Bloody Mary caricature.

Oddly enough, it’s Stan Dudley that looks and dresses the most like young Cary Elwes. Am I going insane? Some of the outfits Stan wears look like the were yoinked directly from 1986 Guildford’s dressing rack. It’s a nod to the movie, I tell you! The real Guildford had a lot more brothers and none of them were named Stan.

The scene in the movie where Jane is executed was undercut by the fact that a horse neighed very loudly off screen just before she was beheaded. Though to be fair every time any animals was shown or a human being was likened to a beast I was going “Ah ha! This is what gave them the animorphs AU idea!!!!”

Anyway. There’s no point to this besides me frothing at the mouth about how period dramas fictionalize historical people and events to make them more romantic and cinematic and then people are inspired to further adapt the adaptations and you end up with AUs of AUs and fix-it fics of romantic exaggerations until the original people are lost in the mish mash of popular imagination and we end up with something like My Lady Jane which is both amazing and funny and sexy and romantic and yet also fails spectacularly at its stated goal—it asks “what if Jane lived” but the person in the story bears little to no resemblance to the person it’s trying to save. Everything and everyone around her is different. Something something where is that post about a tragedy being a tragedy because in order for the characters to survive they had to make different choices and be different people?

The real Lady Jane went to her death staunchly preaching that people would go to hell for being Catholic. It’s hard to romanticize that, so we have to make up stories about true love and horses to make someone that we care about actually… when really the true tragedy is that a couple of children were executed because the adults around them fucked up their stupid Protestant coup.

Tempted right now to watch the 1986 film Lady Jane, starring Helena Bonham-Carter and Cary Elwes as the doomed Jane and Guildford. I mean how am I to properly appreciate how sugary and delightful My Lady Jane was without watching the Tragic Version too.

[dangermousie]

Get salty, mousie, your true followers and friends won't care~just turn anon off for a bit if you start getting hate.

LOL, most of my negative opinions are irrational and petty so probably best kept to themselves.

I hate hate hate hate Bridgerton only good thing about it is the hot Duke; it is as dumb and elevator music bland as the moronic book it’s based on. Also Game of Thrones is like a teen who thinks he’s edgy and adult because he says fuck and has seen a girl’s boobs; it’s for people too lazy to read actual complex history and is not any more realistic for being grimdark than Polyanna is for cheeriness. Romcoms make me want to claw my face off - there are no stakes and those people are annoying as fuck; most idols can’t act I don’t care how cute they are, youth sageuks are for people who don’t like history and are probably tweens, I don’t care if a story has or doesn’t have strong complex female friendships or any other enlightening good things all I want is blood and angst of whatever gender, there is no point to second lead syndrome unless one is a masochist, looking at dramas to give you feminism or other enlightened principles of your choice is bizarre since those are not the most egalitarian societies and also China (much as I love its period dramas) is a totalitarian repressive genocidal regime and to look to its censor-approved product for enlightenment is crazy, period dramas are automatically better than modern ones, I will never reblog “if you don’t reblog you don’t care about X” posts and it makes me think of dumb spam/chainmail stuff I used to get in school, I love my male leads problematic and feral - this is not RL and I don’t need to live with them and well-adjusted heroes are boring, if I see another Star Wars sequels post on my dash I might scream because I find literally every character in it boring, I don’t get my morals from my entertainment so fandom discourse of show/book/drama morality makes me tired, Legend of Fei SUCKED, netflix is ruining kdramas, I hate K-POP because it’s smoked-through bards or nothing for me, pls eat something 95% of drama people, I don’t give two hoots about actors’ age disparities as long as one is not a literal child, Park Shin Hye cannot act, neither can Cha Eun Woo, and that reminds me that Rookie Historian is the worst sageuk ever made worse than Hwarang.

OK, that slipped out lol. I am gonna stop now

[chasedbywalt-whitman]

FIC IDEA?

OKAY SO... the poets are freshmen at nyu! they don’t know each other! here’s basic character outlines for them:

-neil: alt theater weed boy. wears cool eyeliner and doc martens, writes poetry while stoned, only watches eighties movies, owns a portable record player and every single smiths album on vinyl (as well as vinyls of his favorite shows), paints his nails, sings while he does his homework, majoring in psych with a minor in drama. his parents are divorced because his dad left after he came out as gay, his mom is supportive but super depressed so he’s trying to find a job to help her support herself while paying for college. trying to find acting gigs. is semi-famous on tiktok. roommates with todd!!!

-todd: SOFT NERD BOY! loves poetry, basically canon todd except a much closer relationship with his family (his dad died and since then his mom realized her errors in always comparing todd to jeffrey so she’s trying really hard to repair their relationship). has super awful anxiety and also panic disorder, loves plants!!! wears glasses bc poor boy cannot see. favorite author is walt whitman and he carries an annotated copy of leaves of grass wherever he goes (a graduation gift from jeffrey!!). is coming to terms with his sexuality (he gay!) but struggles a bit with his gender identity (he they!), a struggle that will be depicted throughout the story. IS FUCKING TERRIFIED OF NEIL HOLY SHIT OWJFJDJG. majoring in classics, minor in latin.

-CHARLIEEEEE: certified thembo. uses he/they. carries saxophone EVERYWHERE. does theater with neil. paints only their middle fingernails, always bright pink. is super smart but hates acting like it. cries at romcoms. has an unhealthy obsession with kurt cobain and has a shitty stick and poke of the nirvana logo on his ankle, which he gave to himself while stoned. has definitely tried lsd. also probably acid. is acid the same as lsd? op has no idea. listens to the beatles and has posters of them in their dorm room. wears skirts!!! wants to marry harry styles but doesnt listen to any of his music. nihilistic to the point of hedonism. has dabbled in pretty much every religion, but currently identifies as agnostic or spiritual. they like doing witchy shit with neil. majoring in philosophy with a minor in music theory.

-cameron: anxious bean man. imagine if his character development had actually happened, this is his first year of not having a stick up his ass. is prescribed xanax but is terrified of taking it because he’s scared of overdosing. his parents are incredibly shitty but his brother is also a sweetheart and pays for a therapist!! is gayce and knows it but scared to come out, his parents are basically neil’s but his brother protects him. is friends with todd bc they have some classes together and they’re both anxious lil boys. loves classical music!!! he also loves painting and sometimes takes commissions if he needs money (which he often does bc his parents refuse to pay for his education unless he goes to an ivy league and as generous and rich as his brother is its not enough to support his own family while also paying for cam’s education and therapy). loves writing letters and writes to his brother all the time. watches period films (he loves portrait of a lady on fire). majoring in law with a minor in english lit.

-pittsieeee: one of two functional men in this fic. owns a car! majoring in engineering with a minor in art history. is very gay for meeks. is also very gay for paul mccartney. loves photography!!! he and meeks have their own place off campus (bc gay and functional) and they have a puppy named scott. is an amazing cook??? somehow?? loves his parents and his parents love him. is fluent in german somehow. cries a lot when he gets frustrated bc he has add and sometimes everything is too much.

-meeks!: literally the sweetest smartest lil boy. double major in environmental engineering and psych. minor in english lit bc he can. reads to pittsie on days he cant focus. very shy but also sarcastic af. is responsible for the naming of scott. has a billion houseplants that pittsie sometimes has to water for him bc he forgets. also has add but his main struggle is hyperfocusing. pittsie has to remind him to eat. is conversationally fluent in german bc of pitts. acts like he hates the beatles but secretly loves it when pitts sings their songs while he’s cooking or playing with scott. gayce bby!

-knox: sad lonely bisexual man. major in law minor in philosophy. is best friends with the other functional couple in this fic, chris and ginny, who try to set him up with various people they know. it never works, the poor man. unironically cries at hallmark movies. goes to random places in the hopes of meeting his soulmate. cries so much he’s constantly dehydrated. he paints! and writes! and tries to learn the piano but doesn’t really like it, so he gives up. this boy is so precious and caring he would do anything for anyone. is forgetful af, constantly late to shit. chris and ginny joke that they’re his gay moms.

basically storyline is that neil and todd room blind and end up with each other. neil scares the living shit out of todd but intrigues him at the same time, and neil starts trying to win him over (but he’s an idiot and does all the wrong shit) and todd is just.. oblivious boy. cue slow burn af. meeks meets todd in english lit, and they become friends bc todd helps him pick up his shit after he drops it. from then on, he and pitts are like todd’s gay dads/wingmen, and they try to help him get neil. which would work, if neil’s wingman was anyone other than charles dalton themselves. charlie basically stirs chaos everywhere, confusing the heck out of todd (and neil). meanwhile, chris and ginny and knox all have a philosophy 101 class with charlie, and ginny somehow becomes friends with them, and she and chris begin their diabolical plans to get knox laid. charlie of course thinks knox is adorable and plays hard to get on purpose, but knox thinks they genuinely arent into him. slow burn part 2. todd and cameron meet in english lit classes idk and become friends over their shared love of whitman and also anxiety issues. cameron helps todd through a panic attack between classes and they’re best friends from then on. basically they all become friends and it’s a whole gay love story featuring lots of weed and old music. 

[vanaera]

Of Cliches and Romcom Tropes

Synopsis | You find yourself literally living a classic Romcom trope by being the nerdy introvert in love with her unexpected friend, Kim Taehyung, your university’s golden theater boy and campus heartthrob. It only turns more disgustingly cliché when you learn he part-times as a prince actor in the same carnival where you work as a ticket booth attendant. Trusting on the clichés you’ve watched in numerous Romcom films, you embark on a plan to get your crush to like you back this Halloween. Pairing | prince actor!taehyung x ticket booth attendant!oc Genre | So much fluff, slight angst, humor that’s close to being crack Wordcount | 10,184 AU | Carnival Prompt | “You’re the most beautiful creature I’ve ever laid eyes on.” – “I bet you tell everyone that.” Warnings | None A/N | This is for @foreverpark​’s Halloween Writing Challenge! It’s my first time joining a challenge like this so thank you so much Sarah for giving me an opportunity to experience this! For my hons out there, here’s my Halloween fic for you! Please also check out Sarah’s fics and the other fics for this challenge, they’re all great! Happy reading!

               At every start of success story speeches, there is a ninety percent probability you will hear “Fake it ‘til you make it.” How Mark managed to chance upon an idea of an app, How Sarah snagged the director position she dreamed of, how introverted Kim developed progressive networks–it is an imperative that saying will pop out in every single one of these stories. Well, except yours, because it’s the other way around in your life. At times “Fake it ‘til you make it’ does makes a cut, but in most of your major life events where you desperately wished for it to work, it doesn’t really work. You know because you’ve long tried to fake you’re so invested in your part-time job, only for you to cry out at night that you didn’t want to do it anymore.

               Sitting on an uncomfortable stool with a small fan on your right as reprieve from the heat, you spend most of your day with cramped legs inputting number of tickets sold, handing over ticket stubs, becoming an instant customer service attendant, and smiling through clenched teeth at the people that stop by your booth. Working the most boring job in the carnival is not something you can fake to enjoy until you make enough savings for your college tuition. That is, until Kim Taehyung came.

               “Wonder boy” is an extreme understatement to describe that guy. Kim Taehyung is cute and has a model-esque body and his voice sounds so nice when he’s in his prince costume entertaining the kids who enter the Fairytale Land booth. Okay, maybe you’ve been staring at him too long than you’re supposed to when you’re at work. But in your defense, you’ve known Kim Taehyung long before you discovered he also part-times at the Enchanted Carnival–long enough for you to harbor a massive, embarrassing crush on the boy.

               Kim Taehyung studies in the same university as you and you first saw him the day you didn’t attend your history class just so you can prepare for your midterms in the said subject–the irony of college students’ philosophy. That day, you just entered a classroom you frequent for study purposes, knowing it will be empty during your history period. Except for that day because the moment you pushed open the door, a stable vibrato echoing within the rooms’ walls halts in an awkward coughing fit.

               Your anxiety-driven nerves immediately take over you. “Uhh, I’m sorry I just barged in I didn’t mean to interrupt you–”

               “No, it’s o-okay,” the boy coughs, hitting his chest repeatedly. “I was just su-surprised.”

               “I’m really sorry for interrupting you,” you take a step back, your hand grasping for the knob. “Continue on, I’ll just find another room–”

               “No, it’s okay, you can share the room with me.”

               “A-are you sure?” you squint, still rooted at the door. “You don’t have like, a class in here or something? You have a projector set up on the teacher’s desk.”

               “Nah, it’s just my prop when I do my final runs.” He walks to the projector and flips down its lens cover. A picture of a wooden fort set in what looks like cobble-stoned streets of 18th century France flashes on the white board. “See?” The boy turns to you, grinning. “I’m cutting just like you. No pressure, mate. Stay.”

               “B-but you’re practicing, I may distract you.”

               “It’s okay, I don’t mind some audience–unless, you get distracted from studying by music, then I’ll go and find–”

               “No, it’s okay,” you chuckle. “I don’t get distracted by music. I love music. Actually, I like listening to songs while I study so yeah, go on.” You set your papers on the nearest seat and plop down.

               “You do?” The boy asks and you find yourself smiling at his beaming face. You’ve never seen someone who smiles so bright like him on a constant-interaction basis.

               “Yeah, I do. By the way, what are you singing for?”

               “Oh yeah,” the boy scratches his nape, reds forming on the tips of his ears. “uh, this is for my Drama club. I’m still in the application process and we have this task to play and perform as a theater character tomorrow Friday. I wanted to do Jean Valjean from Les Miserables.”

               “Wow, that’s great,” you smile, “actually I’m studying for my History midterms, so yeah, your practice is very timely. You can be my background music,” you chuckle, “to give me the better feel of what I will be crying over later back at my home.”

               Taehyung laughs and you chuckle before going back on your own devices. An hour and a half passes with you flipping furiously through your reviewer in time with the instrumentals behind Taehyung’s velvet voice. When the bell rings and the afternoon class scheduled in the room starts to form a mini clique outside, you scramble out the door with a mess of papers pressed to your chest and a new name to mull over during your breaks: Kim Taehyung.

               Unlike what you predicted, that encounter was not the last you will have with the theater boy. You had a couple of classes with him in the next semester and he sat next to you in each lectures. You also became partners for a pair project in your Communication Theories class. Kim Taehyung became a regular presence in your college life that at the end of your sophomore year, you knew his dream of becoming a theater actor, all his likes, dislikes and insecurities, and even his secrets he said his friends knew none of like “Y/N, do you know I used to dream of becoming a Disney prince? Not used to, actually I still low-key dream of playing Shang from Mulan just so I can sing ‘Make a Man Out of You.’”                You never imagined you would hit up such a friendship with someone who’s the total polar opposite of you. Taehyung’s a social butterfly while you hate going out of your house. He knows almost three-fourth of the total population in the university with him getting to manage nine clubs while still maintaining his academics. In total contrast to you who never got to join any organizations, too afraid of making commitments you neither can fulfill nor prioritize over staying at home and reading your fiction books. Not to say Taehyung’s on the top of the strata with his handsome looks, blessed physique, impressive talent, and wide range of friends. While you’re someone who easily blends with the crowd’s background noise, with nothing too much to offer but a small group of friends and a fascination for critiquing movies–especially those that are really bad.

               You guess that people say, “Opposites attract” for a reason because when you and Taehyung move on to sophomore year, you find yourself crushing hard on the boy. However for you, the attraction is definitely going to be one-sided. You’re sure of it because how can Taehyung ever like you back? You’re the epitome of average-ness that you even became the stepping stone for the girls who want to snag a date with Taehyung. Of course you wouldn’t let Taehyung miss out on cute girls he can probably date when he can have any girl he wish to be with. And, you’re too chicken to act out even a hint of your feelings for him. Clammy hands, jumpy heart, and equipped with an instinct to run to the opposite hall when you so much as glance at Taehyung’s approaching figure, you are sure he will be the death of you. Everything turns worse when you learn he part-times this summer break in the same carnival you work pathetically.

               “Yo, Y/N, you work here, too?” Taehyung nears you, clad in a white polo dangerously unbuttoned down his chest, navy trousers that cinches his narrow hips, and brown combat boots. He is also wearing an unbuttoned red military jacket, its shoulder pads making his shoulders look broader than they’d ever been.  A rich red cape embellished with golden details flows behind him, complementing the gold tassels on his jacket and his golden crown that makes him look impossibly more ethereal. He fucking looks like a brunet Howl from Howl’s Moving Castle.

               You consciously glance down at your outfit: sweat-stained purple polo shirt with Enchanted Carnival’s logo embroidered on its breast pocket, tucked in generic black slacks that doesn’t fit you well. When you  reach up to tuck the stray strand of hair that escapes your ponytail, you’re reminded you’re still wearing the silly mandatory headband with pink bunny ears. Your face feels oily, your hair’s unwashed, and you just remembered you’re not wearing any makeup on. Great, you fucking look like all college students’ worst job nightmare.

               “Hey, you’re still there?”

               “Ye-yeah, uh, hi, Tae,” you smile awkwardly, snatching your headband off and hiding it behind your back. You tried to make yourself look less embarrassing but it backfired when all short strands of your hair messily spill down to your cheeks. You smile wider. Okay, this is the worst day ever.

               “I didn’t know you’re also working here,” Taehyung says.

               “Umm, yeah. I forgot to tell you, I’m sorry–”

               “No, no, no, it’s okay!” Taehyung waves his hands, laughing. “In fact this is great!”

               “Great?” You want to jump off from a cliff right on.

               Taehyung remains oblivious in your self-pity and just grins. “Yeah, it means I get to see you everyday even when we’re outside uni!”

               “We do see each other outside uni. I tutored you for six months straight in the library.”

               “Yeah, but I mean, it’s nice we get to be co-workers. It’s good to have a familiar face around so work wouldn’t be so boring. Say, Y/N, why don’t we have lunch at the cafeteria later? I have so many to tell you and–”

               “Yah, Kim Taehyung! You’re up next, what are you doing outside?” you glance behind your friend and see Jimin, dressed in the same uniform as you minus the silly headband, wildly waving for the boy in front of you. When Jimin notices you, he breaks into a smile, “Oh, hi, Y/N,” and then he returns to his agenda. “Taehyung come here quickly! The batch of kids is nearing the Princess’ Castle, boss is gonna chew us out if you didn’t get back to the booth in three!”

               Taehyung sighs and looks at you with shoulders drooped. “I have to go back now. Guess, I’ll see you later?”

               “Okay, later, then. Have fun, Tae,” you wave at him with a smile.

               When you head back for your booth, you cross your fingers and hope you don’t see him later. How can the universe do you this dirty by placing him so near you right when you are at your worst?

               At the end of the day, you learn the universe just does you dirty for the hell of it. Taehyung bounds your way for lunch break in his prince costume, grinning stupidly just when you’re about to sneak off to the comfort rooms. Nevertheless, you accept the lemons life is giving you and decide to relish in your crush’s presence as you joke over lunch. You just didn’t expect that day will start an unannounced routine with Taehyung eating lunch with you and him walking you home after your shifts for the rest of your summer break.  The seemingly grey area in your friendship with Taehyung turns more mind-boggling when the man keeps up with the routine even after the summer break has ended, with you two continuing your part-time jobs at the carnival every weekend.

               Truth be told, your set-up with Taehyung is a blessing in disguise. He may see you greasy-faced, constantly suffering at work, and daily pissed at your cramped station with poor ventilation but at least you get to see the man you fell in love with everyday. Not just the Taehyung who’s the campus crush and the talented actor every kid in the carnival loves. But the Taehyung who stays up with you until three in the morning talking about what you want for yourselves, who genuinely laughs at your puns and memes everyone else finds corny, and who tells you he’s enjoying himself in his job because finally, he gets to act like a Disney prince.

               So when you find yourself only falling for Taehyung deeper, getting over him becomes the last resort in your to-do list. You start to let yourself get ahead of you and assume that maybe, just maybe, there is a chance Taehyung likes you back. Or else he wouldn’t do all those things with you with his stare lingering on your face, and his hand brushing against your own on multiple occasions you swear are not conjured up by your lovesick heart. Right?

               With the Halloween season closing in and your part-time contracts at the carnival nearing its end, you are compelled to finally make a move on Taehyung. The carnival is the only place where your social and visual gap matters the least.  You’re going to get an answer from him before this perfect chance expires. All you have to do now is have courage for the things you’re about to do and you pray that this time, the universe lets you successfully fake it ‘til you make it.

***

 Plan 1: The Makeover Montage

               You’ve watched enough Romcom films to know that a good makeover montage creates an obvious statement that a woman is about to claim her man. And so, you started making your wallet cry and your fingers ache by splurging on cosmetic brands and watching YouTube makeup tutorials. You’re proud of yourself when by the time Monday rolls in, you are confident you can pull off the cat wing and coral peach color scheme you learnt in exchange of sleep-deprived nights.

               You wait by your locker and glance at your watch. 7:48 A.M. Great, just in time. You look down on your outfit: a white ruffled blouse tucked in a pink and yellow plaid skirt. Spending three hours planning today’s outfit was totally worth it, you mentally pat yourself.

               Three minutes pass and then the bell chimes. You stand up straight and crane your neck to look for your target. Amy from History, Dave from Economics, Amanda from the College Secretary’s Office, Jimin from Arts and the Enchanted Carnival–There! Kim Taehyung.

               Taehyung catches your eye and waves at you. He whispers something to Jimin before he bounds toward you. “Hi, Y/N. Didn’t know you’re an early bird now. I thought your first class today is later at eleven thirty?”

               “U-um, I have so-something to pass to Ms. Terry at the Department of Arts and Communication,” you laugh awkwardly.

               “Oh is that so? Wait,” Taehyung looks at you, eyes wide. “Is it a homework I may have forgotten to do at home?”

               “N-no! There’s no homework! It’s just uh–a follow-up on a project!”

               “A project? Did Ms. Terry announce any project? I’m sorry, I’m just confused because we take her class together and–”

               “It’s a personal project!” you interject with a grin. “I…uh, I’ve been working on it since last month. I forgot to tell you about it, but it’s not much, just a collection of…news clippings.”

               “News clippings, hmm, that sounds interesting. Tell me about it at lunch, I will go ahead now to my first period,” Taehyung steps back and makes a salute, his alternative of a goodbye wave to you. “Good luck with your project!”

               “Wa-wait, Tae!”

               Taehyung halts in his steps and looks at you. “Why? Is something wrong?”

               “I–uh, did you notice anything new today?”

               “New?” Tehyung tilts his head. “Is it a new promo for the diner we frequent?”

               “Uhh, no.”

               “Umm,” Taehyung bites his lip, “is it a new movie you sent to me in our Discord?”

               “Uh, also no. And, I will gush about a movie first to you in person before I send it to our Discord.”            

               “Oh, right,” Taehyung chuckles. “Is it a new book then?”

               “No.”

               “New supplies in the bookstore you love?”

               “No.”

               “A new flavor of coffee in the vending machine?”

               “No.

               “A new–”

               “Goddamn it, Taehyung, you know what, just go to your class,” you purse your lips and Taehyung gawks at you.

               “W-why? Did I say something wrong, Y/N?”

               “No, it’s just, you’re so obliviou–UGH!”

               “‘Obliviou-ugh?’” Taehyung looks more confused than ever he’s been in his life.

               You take in deep breath and take it as a signal for you to retreat. “Don’t mind me it’s just my mood swing!” you holler as you turn your back and walk fast to the exit. Following-up with a faint “See you later!” to the bewildered boy by the time you step out the hallway.

               After what happened today, you guess Taehyung won’t easily notice your makeover with just one encounter. You decided to keep it consistent for the rest of the week, waking up earlier to curl your hair and apply makeup before going to your classes. And every day you kept trying something new – a change of shade in the lip gloss, a swipe of a bolder eye shadow, a shift from preppy to sophisticated clothing styles–Taehyung still fails to notice anything. Even when you turn up for your shift in the carnival with full-on makeup for the very first time, Taehyung just passes you by with his usual demeanor.

               “Hi, Y/N!”

               “Hi Tae!” You cringe at how chirpy you sound. “Umm, you look exceptionally good today!”

               “Yeah?” Taehyung looks at his clothes, the same Howl costume he always wears in his shift. “Well, I look like this everytime in my shift so thanks?”

               “But, have you noticed anything new today?” you bat your mascara-laden lashes for emphasis.

               “New?” Taehyung leans closer to you and this time you feel your heart pounding in suspense. Of course he’ll notice it now, you never wear this much makeup at work–

               “Oh, your ID lace!” Taehyung snaps his fingers, grinning. “Right, you changed your ID lace, how can I miss out on it? You always complain about the neon orange you used to have and now it’s black just like how you always want.”

               You balk at him. “Uhh, it’s still the ones provided by the staff. They just changed the color.”

               “Yeah, isn’t that great? You’ve always wanted a black ID lace! Remember when you used to tell me you’re gonna file a petition to change the neon orange lace to black? It’s finally black!” Taehyung claps you on the back and then makes his signature salute. “See ya later at lunch Y/N. And congrats to the ID lace!”

               You poke your cheek with your tongue in annoyance. You’ve done such a good job perfecting your makeup and all he notices is just your ID lace?! What the motherfucking–

               Okay, maybe Taehyung doesn’t get makeover montages. You cross Plan 1 out and step up to Plan 2.

Plan 2: The Assertive Approach

               If Taehyung can’t notice physical changes, maybe this time, he can notice behavioral changes.  In the films you have watched, you’ve seen countless protagonists be successful in catching the eye of their love interests by changing their flirting style. You’ve always dreamt of becoming like Julia Roberts in her hit romance films: confident, bold, and unafraid to make the first move. So this time, you get to finally be the woman of your dreams and you hope she can also entice the man inside your heart.

               You started your metamorphosis by sitting closer to Taehyung during lectures, leaning closely to him whenever he’s talking with you, closing the space between your faces with a mere inch of breath. You also let your hands do the speaking for you whenever you walk home from work, masking the frequent brushing of your fingers against his, an obvious open invitation for him to hold your hand, seemingly accidental. But whatever you do, Taehyung still can’t get any hint. He’ll just smile at you and proceed to what he’s doing without even a waver in his tone.

               Fueled with desperation, you decide to cross the boundary from subtle to blatant assertion in your lunch break with Taehyung.

               “Today’s a pretty beat day,” Taehyung remarks, taking off his sweaty cape. “Some teens decided to not go with the usual flow of the booth and visit the stops in reverse. I felt sorry for Jimin. He looked so stressed manhandling each teen out of the booth and giving them a stricter run-over of the booth’s rules.”

               “Yeah?” You slide closer next to his seat and cross your legs. “Then what about you, did the teens made fun of you? I heard from Seokjin that Lisa almost broke down when they poked around her unicorn costume.”

               “I’m glad I’m the last stop. Jimin already entered the booth when the kids made the ruckus at Lisa’s stop.” Taehyung sighs, running his hand through his damp fringes. “I couldn’t imagine myself dealing with such troublesome people. If I were in Lisa’s place, I would have already been screaming at them for being bastards at such a young age. It’s a relief, it didn’t happen. I would have lost this job.”

               “I’m glad, too, you didn’t get hurt.” You lean towards him, resting your head against his shoulder. You felt him stiffen in his seat and you smile. “I would have been so worried, you know. I don’t know what I will do,” you grab his hand, intertwine it with yours, and look up at him, “if I don’t see you around here anymore.”

               “Really?” Taehyung turns to you and you nod. He smiles. “Thanks, Y/N, for your concern. I would feel the same if you were to experience that. Oh, we should probably eat now, our food’s getting cold.” Taehyung immediately detaches his fingers from yours, leaving you gaping in your seat.

               Your lunch proceeds like usual and the awkward hand-holding you pulled off was never brought up again. Like Plan 1, you kept Plan 2 consistent for the week. However, Taehyung still remains painfully oblivious.

               Plan 2 is unsuccessful so you cross it out and decide it’s time to take your game to the full notch.

 Plan 3: The Vixen’s Touch

               If Taehyung can’t recognize physical and behavioral changes, he cannot miss out on a temptation handed over on a silver platter. Plan 3 is the ultimate overkill.  No one can resist the seductive vixen. You already braved through doing a Julia-Roberts-character. Going for the longest mile with Megan Fox shouldn’t be a problem. This is probably just your ego talking but you’re not gonna let the smallest bit of shame creep in to you now. Not now, when you’re putting all your cards on the table for Taehyung’s heart. This is all or nothing.

               You see, the Vixen’s Touch is the epitome of all Romcoms’ super power move. Just one scene is enough to turn the tables around and let the heroine achieve whatever outcome she desires. However, such great power comes numerous setbacks. One can only do a vixen move once and never more because if it’s overdone, it will lose it’s mystery, charm, and power–everything that makes it an effective Romcom move. So, you planned your Vixen Touch meticulously.

                You can’t do a Megan-Fox-move at school because you’ll attract too much attention, especially with Taehyung who’s already at the spotlight of social interactions. Instead, you will pull it off in the carnival, where you can have your crush all to yourself without worrying about ambitious bitches intruding your scenario. You’ll enter the Fairy Tale booth during your break time and sneak to the backstage from the “Authorized Personnel Only” door on the left of the second stop. From there, you will do Lisa’s advice to take a right turn and then a left.  It will lead to a connecting hallway that ends with the red curtains behind the Princess’ Castle. There, you’ll surprise Taehyung, who’s waiting for the princess’ cue, with a tingling touch against his spine and a sexy and breathy, “Hi, Tae.” Taehyung will be shocked and you’ll close the gap between the two of you. With the dark setting and the seemingly scandalous set-up, the thrilling mood will compel you to lean towards him and he will close his eyes and interlock his lips with  yours in a passionate kiss. If you make it fast to the connecting hallway, you will have enough alone time with Taehyung before the batch of people even reaches the third stop from the princess’ castle. You grin to yourself. Your plan has never been this perfect.

                Weekdays pass with you continuing your Assertive Approach. Taehyung’s still clueless, making the transition to Plan 3 much more thrilling. When Saturday finally rolls in, you set your game-est face on.

                It’s a week before Enchanted Carnival’s Halloween Party, which means the management is lenient on the part-timers’ work uniforms. After all, you only have one week left before you end your contracts. And so, you pull out your fanciest casual outfit–a little red dress with off-shoulder sleeves, partnered with fishnet stockings that go well with your black combat boots. You also perfected your makeup: eyebrows on-fleek, cat wings on-point, deep brown smoky eyes, and blood-red lips. To top off your look, you put on a thin, black choker. You smile at yourself. You did a good job making yourself look hot. You know it’s not just your ego talking because when you arrive at the ticket booth, Jimin compliments your look.

                “Yo, Y/N, I never knew you could look this pretty,” Jimin grins at you.

               "You also look good today,“ you return, taking note of how well his striped buttondown fits his frame. “I didn’t know today is leg day,” you add, admiring how his ripped jeans accentuate his legs you never knew were this muscular.

                Jimin smiles, “Say it for yourself, Y/N. You look a solid twelve.” He rocks on the balls of his feet back and forth. “I guess the management did a good job letting us wear our casual clothes. You don’t know how bad I wanted to take off our horrendous uniform whenever we work.”

                “That’s…highly inappropriate but I guess you do you,” you point finger guns at him. Jimin chuckles and waves goodbye to you, heading for the Fairy Tale booth. You seat yourself in your work station. Today’s a good start. You hope your luck continues until break time.

                Lunch passes by and so far everything’s a breeze. You haven’t seen Taehyung today, probably caught up with the kids who frequent his booth in large batches as Halloween approaches close. Nevertheless, it’s good news. Your surprise will totally knock him off his feet.

                The clock chimes two. Seokjin comes over and takes over the ticket booth as you take your break. It’s show time.

                Just like your plan, you head for the Fairy Tale booth in quick strides. Lisa manages the entrance to their booth today and she lets you in without any ado, already used to you and Taehyung crossing to and fro your respective booths. Greeting Val, the Elfen soldier of the first stop and Yeji, the mermaid from the second stop, you head for the “Authorized Personnel Only” door and push it open. It leads to a darkly-lit  hallway with a heavily carpeted flooring. You follow Lisa’s tips, taking a right turn and a left. True to her word, the connecting hallway ends with the thick red curtains. And there in the corner, is your dream man facing the curtains and waiting for his signal. You don’t hear any clamor of people nearing the Princess’ Castle, even the faintest of chatter inaudible. You thank the universe for this luck. You made it in time.

               The seconds seem to slow down into minutes as you stepped closer to Taehyung. Your heart pounds loud and fast against your ears. This is it. You’ll finally make Taehyung realize you have your heart laid out for him.  And if you’re lucky, he will also give his to you today.

                With a mere foot left between you two, you reach out for him.

                “Hey, Taehyung–”

                “What the fuck–”

                 Everything happens too fast.  Instead of Taehyung’s surprised face, a hard punch straight to your nose is what greets you. Intense pain spreads over your senses and you reel over, feeling your entire face on fire.

                 "Oh my fucking, God, I’m sorry!  Oh my God, Y/N, I didn’t see you–are you alright?!“ Taehyung catches your arms as you stagger backwards, pulling you to your feet to prevent you from falling.

                 You nod and waved dismiss-ally to his panicked state.

                 Just right then, you feel something wet trickle down your lips.

                 "Oh my God, Y/N, you’re bleeding!” Taehyung screams and he immediately leads you to a chair propped on the corner. He frantically pulls out tissues on the table nearby and dabs the wetness that seeps on your skin. “Shit, what are you even doing here?! I thought you were a ghost, I’m so sorry I punched you!”

                 You’re too dazed to register everything that has happened and your lack of response causes Taehyung to panic more.

                 "Fuck, Y/N, I’m so, so, sorry! Oh my God, this is all my fault. Just sit right there, I’ll call for help!“ Taehyung rushes to the end of the hallway and you hear him scream for Jimin. Pounding footsteps follow and then it’s not just Taehyung fussing over you, but also Jimin.

                 "Do you think it’s broken?” Taehyung asks Jimin, voice trembling.

                 "I don’t think so. She’s not bleeding that much. Taehyung, relax, I already called for first aid–”

                 "How can I relax when Y/N’s in pain?! Which I inflicted on her! You know what, let’s call the ambulance!–”

                 This is not what you planned for. This is not how you imagined you will spend your last shift at the carnival with Taehyung.

                 Wetness trickles down your cheeks and before Taehyung can rush over and wipe your tears away, the Carnival’s first aid team has already barged in and crowded over you.

                 You were led to the small clinic of the carnival where you were given a tissue to stick in your nose. The physician told you your nose was luckily not broken and your body has just undergone shock. Once the bleeding has stopped, you’re good to go. Seokjin also called you he already informed your boss about what happened, telling you he’ll take over your shift and you’re now free to go home. The next few minutes pass in silence and you sink further onto the foldable bed. However, the universe decides it’s not yet done fucking up your day when the door opens with a loud bang and there stands Taehyung, huffing and drenched in sweat.

                 "I’m sorry I only got here now. Boss scolded me for what I did to you,“ Taehyung sighs deeply as he sits on the chair next to you, leaning his elbows on your bed. “I’m really sorry, Y/N. All of this wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t overreact.”

                 "I-it’s okay, Tae. You didn’t know I was there.“

                 "What are you even doing at our booth? Much more creeping in the dark?”

                 You bit your lip and look away. “It’s my break, it’s just,” you sigh, “I thought of surprising you today and well, it didn’t go as well as I planned it.”

                 "Plan? For what? Is there something we’re supposed to celebrate today?“

                 You turn back to Taehyung and meet his eyes. His eyes are focused on your face, waiting for your answer.

                 Well, maybe not all Romcom cliches work just like how they appear to be in movies. Maybe not all romantic gestures need to be grand in order to convey the sincerity of one’s feelings. Maybe it could be as simple like this– two people staring at each other in a clinic, uncaring of the world happening beyond your little bubble.

                 And as you stare at Taehyung’s face and see the reflection of yourself through his eyes, confused and tired, you decide it’s time for you to finally say it. No more orchestrated pretenses. No more intricate plans.

                 "Today is our last day in our work and I wanted to surprise you by finally being true to my feelings. I no longer look at you as a friend, Taehyung. I’m in love with you.”

                 Taehyung doesn’t reply. He just stares at you. You slowly feel the air getting squeezed out of your lungs, and it’s not just because of your stuffed nostril. Another beat of silence passes and then Taehyung’s face falls as he gapes at you, confused, shocked, and for a moment you see disappointment flash across his face. “W-what? Y/N, when did you-I, I don’t know what to say, I-why now?”

                 You bite your lip, feeling the tears well in your eyes. “Why not now, Taehyung?”

                 "Because–” Taehyung sighs and he purses his lips, dragging a hand over his face. “Y/N, you’re my friend, but I–”

                 "You know what, Taehyung,  I get it,“ you turn your back on him, tasting blood on your lips from biting too hard to keep the tears at bay. You won’t cry because of him and in front of him at the same time. He doesn’t get to see you this weak. “You can leave me now.”

                 "But, Y/N, I–”

                 "Does punching me in the face not enough for you?! Just leave!“

                You hear Taehyung sigh. The mattress of the bed puffs up again as the weight leaves. A faint “I’m sorry” resounds in the stifling silence. When the door closes with a soft click, the tears finally fall.

You stifle your broken sobs on your pillow.

***

You’re back in your old cycle: Eat, sleep, study, and lie low at the background. You steered clear from Taehyung in your classes, seating far away from your usual seat. You neither stopped by his locker in the mornings, nor waited for him in front of your own locker for lunch. You even went as far as avoiding your common friends, the thought of people asking about what happened between you and Taehyung makes you reel back to the embarrassment and disappointment of that day.

As much as you wanted to hate Taehyung, you find it hard to admit that every single thing that has gone wrong points back to you. You assuming anything more than what you already have with him, you doing outrageously unnecessary things for him, you bending yourself backwards in your desperation for him – it has always been yourself.

You tried to stay as identical to the background as you can be, away from Taehyung and anything that is associated with him. Because as much as you feel like an empty vessel for every single day, you cannot find it in yourself to erase Taehyung from your mind. Even when his last words with you kept on re-opening the wounds you’ve been trying hard to stitch back together. And, you can’t have that. You can’t run back to him and let him kick you back to the curb. It’s time for you to learn your lesson.

But no matter how successful you were the past days in running from Taehyung, you know you cannot avoid him forever. Especially when Enchanted Carnival has required the part-timers to attend their annual Halloween Party tomorrow, arranged by their permanent staff. After all, it’s the day you’ll terminate your contract and receive your last salary for your job.

You have never sorely regretted your past decisions like this before. You’re love-fool state of mind back then has induced you to buy an expensive costume. A fancy dress that has a carnation pink rayon bodice and full skirt, layered with delicate purple cotton voilewhich looks like soft rose petals that perfectly cinch the waist. It has long, glittered see-through sleeves that ruffle at the end of your arm, and it is adorned with golden intricate curvilinear details that go around the bust area and matches the golden flower belt on the waist. It even came with a faux golden crown with a short pink veil attached to the back.  Yes, you fucking bought a princess bride costume just to match with Taehyung’s usual work attire because of course, Taehyung will come looking like a Disney prince. And now that everything you planned has gone downhill, the excitement is over and the only thing you feel is bitterness and a desperate wish to get things done and over with.

You reached the carnival at seven and by that time, the party is in full swing. Enchanted Carnival looks like a cirque-esque other-world. Small Jack o’ Lanterns replaced the usual light bulbs to light the carnival in an alluring tangerine glow. Signboards of “Happy Halloweens” range from small cutouts that hung from the poles, to gigantic illustrations pasted right on the walls of the some stalls. Pumpkin and ghost-shaped candies were sold at almost every corner and the people that pass by, carnival staff or not, embody the fantasy and surrealism of the carnival. You’ve seen pirates, sirens, faeries, and even witty realistic horror such as Jung Hoseok, the roller coaster attendant, wearing casual jeans and shirt with electric bills pasted on his chest and back.

“Hey, Y/N! I thought you weren’t coming.” You look to your left and see Lisa in a No Face costume. Seokjin follows close behind, dressed like Sokka from Avatar: The Last Airbender.

“Uh, yeah–I mean,” you clear your throat “how can I not come when I get to be paid at the end of the night?”

“Yeah, that’s the spirit,” Seokjin chuckles. “The salary is my only motivation when I lost a bet to Yeji and agreed to dress like…this.”

“Hey, Sokka’s not bad!” Lisa frowns. “Avatar: The Last Airbender is the best show ever and Sokka’s like a perfect ten.”

“Yeah, but it would have been better if you know,” Seokjin huffs, “I get to be Toph. So I can finally un-see Hoseok’s stupid’s antics, especially his dumb electric-bill costume tonight. It doesn’t get to be low-cost, witty, and funny all at the same time. It’s unfair.”

You laugh, feeling your jaw hurt a little from smiling so wide. It’s been a while since you smiled, with the past days spent crying and moping around in your room. You’re grateful for Lisa and Seokjin who tried to cheer you up throughout the night, distracting you from thoughts that revolve around Taehyung by pulling you into ride after ride, playing games in stall after stall, and stuffing your mouths with delicious treats.

You were having the best night of your life, until you find your group stopping in front of a booth – The 13th House.

You turn to Lisa. “Hey, you didn’t tell me a horror booth is included in our itinerary.”

“Because I don’t need to,” Lisa grins. “Horror booths are a classic! How can Halloween be Halloween without some spook?”

“Right, and relax Y/N,” Seokjin says, “It’s not like we’re gonna leave you. And trust me, it’s not that scary. I already visited this booth to prank Jungkook. Too bad I was unsuccessful that time with Jungkook already immune to jumpscares from manning the effects and all.”

Except it is scary. The 13th House is the only booth you didn’t dare to visit during your entire work period. Your remember how your legs turned to jelly the first time you saw its front: An old gothic mansion with dilapidated walls and broken windows, its wooden main door covered in bloody handprints, and its gray, dry lawn surrounded by amputated body parts. You know all of it were just manmade but it doesn’t lessen the creeps you get when every detail and props are fashioned too realistically.

Nevertheless, you went along with Lisa and Seokjin and get your ticket-bracelets scanned by the booth marshal. Even if you feel like running away the moment you hear the loud, sinister creak of the main door when you start for the first stop, you stood your ground and wear your big girl game face on. It’s your last night in the carnival, might as well do everything you were never able to do before.

The first half of your trip in the booth were somehow a smooth ride. Although you almost jumped at the scream of the bloody Victorian bride from the first stop, almost backed out on the second stop because of the swinging headless knight, and almost cried on the spot because of the wailing man with its guts ripped apart from the third stop, you’re still far from getting scared out of your wits.

That is, until you reach the middle stop.

The fourth stop required you to do an easy escape-room task with a ghost kid guiding you through a fake Ouija board session. You quickly finished the activity and the wooden walls shifted to reveal a small passageway with thick hanging cobwebs. Lisa leads the way and you find yourself gripping her hand and Seokjin’s tighter as you enter a dark hallway lit only by torches fastened to gray, blood-splattered walls.

And then, out of nowhere, foreign hands cover your eyes. You scream and thrash around but your suffering is only momentary when you find yourself back in the hallway with no looming figures behind your back. Okay, maybe it’s just part of the booth experience–Wait. Where’s Lisa and Seokjin?

“Lisa! Seokjin!” You call for your friends’s names.  They were just with you earlier. You were holding their hands for Christ’s sake! “Where are you, guys?! This is NOT funny!” You bite your lip and wring your hands in anxiety. “Guys, I swear to God, this is not fun–”

               The lights of the torches flicker. The background music starts to grow louder, and eerier as it now plays with Latin incantations. And then there’s a loud bang.

               The lights were blown out.  The blood-splattered designs on the walls turn neon. And, the rest of the hallway goes complete dark-out.

               “Holy shit!” You run, straight ahead. Heart pounding loud on your ears, you don’t think anymore and just run. Surely, there will be some end to this hallway, right?

               Except there’s none, because a forked path greets you just right when you thought the hallway is getting too long. The two paths stare at you, the neon designs on their walls starts to get disturbing with child-like drawings of disfigured people and morbid beasts.

               You slump on the ground. This is a complete nightmare. You wish you didn’t go with Lisa and Seokjin. You wish you didn’t let your loneliness get to you and spent the whole week crying about your crush who doesn’t like you. Because now you’re trapped in this hellish booth and you’re gonna die alone and pathetic. You didn’t even get to experience at least the “moving on” happy ending alternative of Romcom films. You didn’t –

               Just right then, there’s a flash of light from the end of the left path. A second later, a voice  echoes loud. You didn’t understand a word from the echo. Hell, you’re not even sure if it’s from a human. But at least it seems to have a light that is nothing part of 13th House’s props. Before thinking twice, you’re already running toward the direction of the light. You run and run and never dared to stop. The light’s getting near, you’re gonna get help soon! You won’t have to die alone because you’re gonna get out of here and–

               Light blinds you.

               "Ahh!“

               "What the fuck-! I’m sorry!”

               You feel the light on your face dim down. And the moment you bring down your raised hands, you can’t seem to speak.

               "YN?“

               Taehyung stands in front of you, flashlight in hand, and looking handsome as always. But, it’s not his presence that makes your heart still. Enchanted Carnival’s purple polo shirt, generic black slacks, and the silly headband with blue rabbit ears atop his head–Taehyung’s wearing the carnival’s ticket booth uniform.

               And Taehyung’s jaw is ajar seemingly for all the same reason. Pink princess gown and glittering princess crown–you were an open book to him now.

               "You…you’re the most beautiful creature I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

               All of a sudden, everything that has happened in the last weeks comes back to you and you feel your eyes stinging with tears as the dam of bitterness floods your chest. “I bet you tell everyone that,” you scoff, “since you’re such a disgusting flirt.”

               Taehyung’s mouth hangs in shock, “Di-disgusting flirt? You’re the only one I told you that!”

               You stand back to your feet and meet his eyes with a steely glare. “I find it hard to believe that, Kim.  Especially your type of guys.”

               Your eyes seem to do tricks to you when you see Taehyung wince at your tone, but that wasn’t for long because Taehyung now sounds defensive.  "What are my type of guys?“

               You scowled. "The type who leads on girls and cruelly rejects them after they’re done playing with them.”

               "What rejection are you talking about? I did not reject you! How could you-“

               "What else could your reaction mean when I told you I love you?!”

               "I was trying to move on from you, okay!“ Taehyung screams. "And that day, you just–dropped the bomb like that. How do you expect me to react huh? Especially, when I fucking spent one year trying to make you realize I see you more than as a friend and you just ignore me as if my feelings don’t matter to you.  And then, when I finally decide to move on from you, you act weird for a couple of weeks. And out of nowhere you’re telling me you love me. How can I even react properly? You didn’t even wait for me to process things,” Taehyung’s voice breaks, “You just up and go and shut me out!”

               "W-what?“

               "I liked you, Y/N. For so long. And you never turned my way–you wave off my advances as if they mean nothing to you, you keep on setting me up with other girls, and you run away from me whenever I so much glance at you. You don’t even let me see you properly when we’re at school. You hide from me and run away as if you’re gonna die just by being with me. And last week, you’re suddenly telling me you love me? So, how can I be a disgusting flirt when you’re the one who’s sending me mixed signals?!”

               "Mixed signals?“ you frown. "For the past year I’ve been your friend Tae, I tried to love you in my own way. I stayed up late with you as you told me all your problems. I’ve been there with you in whatever shenanigans you thought of. I spent almost every break I fucking have with you talking about whatever we want. They are blatant signals, Taehyung! So I’m sorry if I have to hide or run away sometimes, because if you didn’t fucking know, we don’t belong in the same world.”

               “What do you mean we don’t belong in the same world? Fucking hell, Y/N, you’re not an alien–”

               “In your world, I am! In your world, you are the star, the life of the party. People who belong in your world live their fucking fantastic lives as the star of their own stories. They achieve their dreams, they get whatever they want, people look up at them for being so great. But, people like me? We spend our fucking lives looking into your world from the outside. Pathetic side characters of their own pathetic lives. People just pass us by, some even run over us. No one even remembers our fucking name. So, even if these don’t matter when I look at you, I can only love you from afar because people will look at us and all these shits will come back for me.”

               “Jesus Christ,” Taehyung huffs, carding a hand through his hair in frustration. “There are no worlds separating you from me because people are just different!  And these differences cannot dictate who should belong with who because guess what? We’re the only ones who can let other people in or out of their lives.  So can you just stop for a second and see that there’s nothing that actually separates you from me? I thought you would already know this by now since we’ve been friends for so long.”

               You feel tears blurring your eyes and you look away from him. “But still, that’s not enough to explain all the shits that’s happened this past week. Okay, we may be different and I tried to express my feelings in my own way. But I tried to change it up, Tae. I worked so hard to pattern my advances to every Romcom clichés and of course they all went wrong when it came to you.”

               “W-wrong? Y/N, what Romcom cliches–”

               “The cheesiest Romcom clichés!”  You snap. “You know, the makeover montage, the Julia Roberts’ Assertive Approach, the Megan Fox Vixen Touch. You were telling me how oblivious I were to your advances but you never fucking noticed how  I changed up my advances just for you. You ignored how I dressed up pretty-to-the-tip for you. Even after I came to you and blatantly asked you if you noticed something new. You don’t take the cue when I freaking hand over my feelings for you in a silver platter. Hell, you even punched me in the face when I tried to be sexy!”

               “God, can you let it go? I already said I’m sorry!” Taehyung huffs and you look down on your feet. Taehyung sighs, “I was trying to move on from you during those weeks you’ve acted really, really weird. So obviously, I will be very confused. Secondly, Y/N,” Taehyung sighs, “Romcom clichés are called like that because they only happen and work the way they are portrayed to work, in Romcoms. Romcom is a film genre. Sure, they may reflect some aspects of reality, but Y/N, they are planned out, manipulated in a controlled environment. They’re not your life. Life doesn’t work that way.”

               “I’m sorry, I just–” you bite your lip but it’s not enough to prevent a tear slip from your eyes. “This is my first time feeling like this and I don’t know what to do. I absolutely have no fucking idea what I should do next and I–I’m just so sorry for dragging these shits up and made our lives messier than it should be. I’m sorry for probably making you feel guilty about yourself for this past week I ignored you like the plague. I’m sorry for being so stupid, I just–I’m so sorry, Tae!” your voice breaks at the end and before you know it, your tears have already consumed you to the ground.

               "Oh shit Y/N, don’t cry.” Taehyung panics as he kneels next to you. You shield your face from him with your hands, but Taehyung pries them away and cups your face in his large, warm hands. You feel the pads of his fingers wipe away your tears and when you look up at him, Taehyung’s face is too close to yours. Too close that you can practically see the deep, dark circles under his eyes despite the darkness. The thought that you caused him this made you tear up more.

               Taehyung goes frantic. “Y/N, do-don’t cry. Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry. Y/N, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry–”

                 “C-can you just h-hug me?”

               “O-okay,” Taehyung hesitantly loops his arms around your shaking frame. “Thi-this is fine with me.”

               You close your eyes and lean on your friend’s chest. You don’t care if Taehyung’s shirt get wet with your tears. He’s partly at fault for making you cry. But still, you squeak out a muffled.  “Thank you, Tae.”

               Taehyung hums. “It’s okay.”

               Amid this night’s horror and breakdown, silence, for the first time in a while, envelops you in comfort. Even with no words, Taehyung easily dries away the tears. He just pats your back and rubs soothing circles on your tensed muscles, leaning closer to you when you hug him tighter.

               “I hate fighting with you, Tae.”

               Taehyung turns his head closer to yours. “Are we already fighting?”

               “W-well yeah,” you hiccup. “Somehow.”

               “Okay…Next time we’ll understand each other better so we don’t need to have unnecessary fights like this, okay?”

               “Okay,” you mutter. You sink deeper into Taehyung’s arms and he holds you tighter in his embrace.

               Even if you can’t see his face, you know Taehyung’s smiling.

               It doesn’t take long for your sobs to die down that you’re now slowly disentangling yourself from him.

               “Are you okay now?”

               “Y-yeah. Thank you.” You lean your back against the wall and Taehyung sits next to you. You look at him and he smiles at you. For a moment you stay like that, staring into his eyes, falling deep in the little world you’re sharing with him. And then, it hits you. Taehyung’s still here. Even after you blurt out every insecurity and self-doubt you have that others may find petty and invaluable, Taehyung’s still here. Even after he voiced out his disappointment of you and things you’ve done him wrong, Taehyung hasn’t walked out. He didn’t run away, he didn’t leave you. Taehyung stayed.

               And so, you take the cue the universe is giving you and put all your cards on the table again. You cross your fingers as you ask the question that has plagued your mind ever since Taehyung confessed he has long liked you. "Tae, Ha-have you already moved on from me?”

               Taehyung sighs and for a second, you don’t breathe. But, you don’t have to hold it for long because when Taehyung looks at you again, a soft smile is on his face. “Unfortunately, no. Because even after all the shits you put me through, you still occupy my heart–and mind.”

               “S-so, can I kiss you?”

               “I’m the one who’s supposed to say that, but, ye-yeah you can kiss me. Anything for you, Y/N.”

               You close your eyes and lean forward. Your lips meet his in a soft peck and everything suddenly stops. You don’t feel the perspiration on your back from all the running in the booth. You don’t think about the dust and dirt soiling your dress. All you could feel was Taehyung’s soft lips. All you could taste is the sweetness from the crumbs of cherry tart left on his lips. All that fills you nose is Taehyung’s smell that’s so naturally his and his ocean mist spray you gifted him on his birthday. All you could hear is the loud pounding of your heart, and even with your eyes closed, Taehyung’s face is all you could see.  And, you can’t think of anything but Taehyung–him and him alone.

               The world suddenly moves again when Taehyung leans deeper and interlocks his lips with yours. You immediately let your heart take over. You mold yourself closer to him, kissing him with every ardor you’ve kept locked in yourself for so long. You fist his shirt and Taehyung caresses your cheeks and puts his hand on the back of your neck as he kisses you deeper. You loop your arms around his neck and return the vigor of his kiss. Teeth bumping, fingers reaching and clutching onto anything, sloppy interlocking of lips–you don’t care. Even if you have your first kiss in a gloomy, creepy horror booth, nothing else mattered but the boy in front of you. Taehyung’s here and he’s finally in your arms. You don’t have to long for him from afar anymore because now he’s here with you and he’s not leaving you. He’s finally yours.

               The same thought probably runs into Taehyung as you feel him grin into your lips before kissing you again. And even when the creepy background music of the booth starts again, you can only focus on the gentle way Taehyung’s thumbs coursed over your cheeks while tenderly pecks your lips as your kiss comes into a close.

                As you draw back a little to look at your friend, your crush, and now your lover, Kim Taehyung, in the hideous purple uniform you used to wear in the ticket booth with silly rabbit ears perched atop his hazel locks, you can’t help but smile. Taehyung may be the center of the world while you watch him from the side, but at the end of the day, he’s right. You’re just two people who are happy being with each other. There’s no boundaries, no walls separating him from you and you from him. You just have to see him for what he is and take the leap. You don’t need to re-enact Romcom clichés just to bring him towards you because he’s never been away from you from the start.

               Taehyung leans his forehead on yours and smiles. “I love you, Y/N. I’ve waited for so long for this.”

               “Me too,” you grin, “And, I love you too, Tae.”

               Taehyung chuckles and presses another peck on your lips.

               Just right then, you can feel a vibrant white light on your face.

               “Yo, lovebirds, are you finally together?”

               You turn to the direction of the voice and it’s Jimin. Behind him are Lisa and Seokjin, walking from the right pathway while making kissy faces at you.

               It all clicks in: Lisa and Seokjin hanging out with you, leading you to the 13th House, and disappearing like smoke the moment you reached the longest hallway of the booth. It’s to get you alone with Taehyung and finally talk everything out before you leave your part-time jobs.

               You frown at your friends. But, before you can voice out how can they just up and leave you like that, Taehyung beats you to it.

               “Jimin, you bastard! You pushed me towards the backstage passageway, shoved a flashlight into my hand, and just left me in the middle of this fucking scary booth. Is this how you treat your best bud?!”

               Jimin laughs. “But at least you got the girl!”

               “Yeah,” Lisa says. “Watching you two stupidly tiptoe around each other for so long started to make me sick.”

               “And we know you two can’t sort out your stupidity alone, so we decided to give you a little push.” Seokjin looks at Taehyung. “Quite literally in your case.”

               Taehyung scowls and opens his mouth but Jimin cuts him to it.

               “Thank me later, lover boy. It’s time we get out of this booth. Jungkook’s gonna piss me out for practically renting the 4th stop without paying.” Jimin heads to the right path where he came from. “So let’s take our exit now so you two can finally ride together into the sunset.” He turns to you and Taehyung and smirks, “Well, literally and figuratively.”

               Taehung attempts to hit him but Jimin scampers away and hollers, “You’re welcome, bro. And you too, Y/N!” Lisa and Seokjin laugh as they follow Jimin, leaving you and Taehyung walking at the back.

               Taehyung turns to you. “So…are you free tomorrow? I realized I haven’t taken you to a date yet. Like, a date date”

               “Yeah, I’m free. But, where will we go?”

               Taehyung rubs his nape. “Well, I don’t know yet…I’m sorry I asked you when I don’t have any plans yet, I just want to be with you tomorrow–”

               “It’s okay,” you smile. “We can meet at the carnival, then.”

               “The carnival?”

               “Yeah. Not as the prince and the ticketbooth attendant or vice versa. Just Taehyung and Y/N.”

               Taehyung smiles. “I would like that. Pick you up at your house on five?”

               “That’s alright with me,” you lean into his arm and look up at him, “boyfriend.”

               Taehyung blushes and you giggle. You let him hold your hand as you make your way out of the horror booth to spend the rest of Enchanted Carnival’s Halloween Party with a salary waiting for you, happy and giddy, and most importantly, in love.

               In every success story, there is a ninety percent probability you will hear “Fake it ‘til you make it.” Sometimes, it worked out for you, but most of the time, it didn’t.  Like how you tried to use this tactic to get your crush to like you, your plans don’t usually go the way you expect them. But it’s okay, because life doesn’t work that way. It took you stressful planning days, frustrating reactions, and tearful nights for you to realize that life is not always a stage where people can just “fake” everything ‘til the script is fulfilled. Roles can be changed and mistakes can happen. What’s important is: You may have not “fake it ‘til you make it,” but at least you worked for it ‘til you made it.

A/N pt. 2 | I wrote this fic after having a massive eureka moment and I haven’t edited this out yet because it’s 2 A.M. and we die like brave men here. Anyway, planning this story was really a challenge! This is the first time I tried this AU so I researched stuff and had to like, fix and re-fix some of my plot points as I write through. Second, I wanted to incorporate the adorable prompt in a completely unexpected way so I hope it did what I intended for it to do. Also, I enjoyed making up the names of the Romcom clichés OC used. They are literal Romcom clichés but I can’t find what they’re officially called (aside from Makeover Montage) so I just made the rest up AHHAHAH. I hope you enjoy reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it!

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[wordswithkittywitch]

As a historian, part of me feels like I should be writing down this in a notebook instead of on my blog, but my handwriting is atrocious and I don’t know what steps will be taken to archive digital accounts for historical records.

It’s just that most days I have a moment of “This is Kat, alive during the 2010s, (I guess 2020s now but that hasn’t quite sunk in yet) wearing the slightly-unrealistically fabulous clothes worn by some subcultures at this time. She has a kindle accessory and often mentions what websites, podcasts and TV shows have her attention on them.” Like I was an American Girl doll, or a character in a period drama. 

But lately, there’s been such a whiff of Interesting Times when I do exactly as I’m told not to and leave the house. Today my mother and I ran out to pick up the few things fall into the very specific intersection of “we can afford it” and “we can’t do without it”; which today was milk and cat kibble. Zoloft, Pyewacket and Gretel are blissfully unaware of any upset with the humans and continue in their tense political situation. Although, it might just be my imagination, but Pye seems a lot more affectionate than he usually is. I don’t think that any of us are upset enough for the cats to have noticed. I have noticed before how a very good cat will come to comfort their human when they’re crying.

We’re so isolated that the only real change is that I had my last two therapy appointments over the phone and Willow isn’t going to nanny Avi’s kids. (I can only imagine what it’s like for Avi without Willow’s help, I know the girl is kind of squeamish about everything, so I doubt she’s coping well) Honestly, I choose to take therapy appointments over the phone not because I’m afraid of going to the office, but because if the therapist calls me I can’t possibly be late to the appointment, and I don’t have to feel guilty about having to ask for a ride, since I can’t drive. My phone anxiety is entirely for outgoing calls, so I’m not going to lie, this is pretty much working out perfectly for me. Unless I was getting some therapeutic effect from being in public to acclimate myself to people, but based on how quickly my ability to deal with being around strangers fades if there isn’t someone I trust enough to run interference if I have an anxiety attack within my line of sight, anything therapeutic about travelling to the doctors isn’t happening as of yet.

I hadn’t really noticed much of a change in my life except an uptick in quarantine memes on Tumblr. But I think that might have changed today. In the store, I was uncomfortably aware of it. 

My mother and I were both wearing allergy masks, mostly to keep ourselves from touching our faces. I’m used to wearing an allergy mask, as I’m extremely allergic to sage and tobacco but people just love lighting those plants on fire. Because of my allergies and my interest in fashion, I have a wardrobe of washable allergy masks to match to different outfits and have been loaning them to mother when she wants one. Given the situation, I’ve been washing them after each wearing now, instead of whenever I find them in the bottom of my purse and think “yuck”.

But what was odd was that other people were also wearing various breathing apparatus. I think I spotted a paper medical mask, but the most memorable instance was the gentleman in the heavy-duty construction mask with a replaceable filter. I was reminded of the old joke: Gas leak at the cybergoth rave, zero casualties.

The checkout lines were marked on the floor with pieces of masking tape to remind us to keep six feet apart. The cashiers had large pieces of plexiglass installed between them and the customers. All it needed was some stools for the poor cashiers and it would be a perfect storm of “things I think we should have been doing anyway”. Rationing hasn’t been enacted yet, but there was a notice listing what items were being limited per customer. Of course, toilet paper was on the head of the list. We also had to go to a store further away because the local one has shortened its hours during this, and as I’vebitched about before, our governor has put a ban on reusable bags. I get the idea behind it, but it feels like it’s going to do more harm than good.

But seeing all this, I don’t know. It made me more aware of the history gelling around me than I have been since 2001. 

I’m not scared. Sometimes I’m angry if I think about misinformation and how much people’s fear is being exploited to take advantage of them, and a lot of the time I am angry knowing how much worse it is for people sicker and poorer than me and how helpless I am to help them. But I’m not afraid. 

Oh yeah, one other thing. There was a fucking paraglider over the farmstand. I don’t know what was going through their heads, maybe they had time off work and got stir-crazy at home, or they had time off work and decided it was fine to go out for non-essential errands if they weren’t going to a crowded area? Maybe they are one of the people genuinely afraid of dying and wanted to fly before it wasn’t an option anymore.

But I’ll say one thing for the paraglider, it sure is one way to keep six feet away from everyone else.

[dyketectivecomics]

Are you even aware that Jonah Hex fought for the confederacy sold black people and treated them like crap and his books was knee deep in racism and freaking Bendis is trying to scrub that under a rug by giving him a queer legacy? Lgtb deserve better representation than granddaughter of slave trader (who apparently got cause let's keep all the stereotypes around while we're at it)

Are YOU even aware that Jonah Hex was sold into slavery by his father, and defected from the confederacy after learning that supporting them meant supporting that very same system of oppression that he himself was a victim of?

No, I guess not. Because that would require you to actually read his wikipedia page. It seems a miracle you can read or write at all, anon, since all of your brain cells can’t seem to function beyond sending trolling asks to try to stir up drama.

(I’ll dive a bit further, since you apparently want a Reaction. But the rest of y'all don’t have to worry about this clogging up your dash, since I’m putting a cut right here. If i get any more clownery about Jonah &/or Jinny Hex in my ask, you’re getting a thorough mock & a block. blacklisting and the block button are there for a reason guys. If Jinny or Jonah ain’t your cup of tea, regardless, I suggest using those tools &/or unfollowing me, because I can and will continue to reblog content with them (Especially Jinny, because, well. Jinny).)

Any story, in ANY medium, that covers an historical time, would need to address the racist (& if applicable, misogynistic) attitudes of the time period it is set in. Are those stories going to always be handled 100% unproblematically? Hell no. There’s lots of things that make me uncomfortable with any western movie/book/show that finds its origins in the antebellum south. Do I enjoy them regardless? Yes. Because I can separate the things that make me uncomfortable from things that are used to highlight a change in attitudes towards race &/or women, versus an author using the time period as an excuse to act out racist/misogynistic power fantasies.

But I’ll go ahead and bite one tidbit at a time here. “His books are knee-deep in racism.”

It’s been a LONG ass time since I’ve read a Jonah Hex comic. Or rather, had it read to me, since Dad read a few of his comics to me when I was TINY ass kid (god like? When I was 6/7? I had a very brief Western Phase then.) We ended up watching more westerns than reading them. I’m sure there’s plenty of #Problematic things to be found in the comics themselves. Hell, even just his origin with being ‘sold as a slave’ to an Apache tribe & subsequently ‘taken in’ by them is something we could spend hours and paragraphs tearing apart.

Recognizing something is wrong & calling it out is perfectly fine. But something so many ‘fans’ on tumblr fail to realize is that nothing will be 100% pure. Older comics especially are riddled with racism, and it’s important to recognize those tones. But if you expect me to preface every post I make about Jonah Hex from now with “sorry sorry, I know these comics were racist tho” you must be out of your damn head. 

Now for “Bendis is trying to scrub that under the rug by giving him a queer legacy”

Hon, no one is saying that Jinny’s existence automatically erases everything the writers have done with Jonah’s character. Hell, most people (fans included) aren't even aware of Jinny’s existence at this point in time unless they’re involved with reading comics. Jonah Hex’s “legacy” will survive well past whatever Bendis chooses to do with Jinny. Hell, I won’t be surprised if, after this run of Young Justice is over, she’s swept under the rug by DC & promptly forgotten. Because that’s usually what happens with next gen/legacy characters. People would rather read on ‘The Originals’ not their descendants. (the only hero I can think of off the top of my head who surpassed the legacy of their predecessor would be Zatanna vs Zatara. But she’s also had 40+ years to work to that point.)

What has been done with Jonah’s character in the past, and what Bendis & other writers choose to do with Jinny’s character in the future have nothing to do with one another. If Bendis chooses to integrate more of Jonah beyond just “here’s a weird old truck from his adventures, have fun with that!”, I’d love to see it & dissect it. Until then, there’s really only the name, and what’s looking to be the fantastical side of his adventures, rather than anything with historical weight.

“The LGBT community deserves better” (again, let’s keep in mind that your little ‘slave trader’ line there as a complete lie & the rest is just incomprehensible gibberish bc I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and say you pressed ‘send’ too soon in your haste to troll.)

As a queer, hispanic Texan, I could not disagree more. Who’s ancestor HASN’T done awful things in the past? Show me someone who has a completely pure legacy free of benefit from oppressing those of another race/gender/origin/etc. We all have a fucked up history. It’s our collective human history.

LGBT history itself is built on the backs of trans women of color.

Including one more (presumably, but she IS Texan so we’ll see if they expand to make her hispanic) white wlw character is hardly new, groundbreaking representation here in 2019. But it’s progress. It’s progress where there could have JUST AS EASILY been absolutely NO representation. This shouldn’t be something that I’m absolutely ECSTATIC to see. Queer representation off all kinds should be standard. 

But they aren’t.

So am I going to celebrate the fact that DC has given me a queer wlw character from an area very close to the one that I am from? An historically conservative place, mind you, where being LGBT+ can just as soon mean putting yourself in danger on the day-to-day when you live in a small, conservative Texas town?

Abso-fucking-lutely, I am. 

(And not that I believe that you are, anon. But if you’re following me, I kindly suggest you hop the fuck off my blog and go follow someone else. I’m gonna be over here celebrating what representation I can. And if I feel like sharing an analysis on racist overtones of older/newer comics, I will do so because it interests me to discuss it or because I decide to. Not because some ass decides NOW needs to be the time to ‘discuss’ it, if we can even call this pathetic attempt at trolling a ‘discussion’.

[taylorali-blog]

i haven’t written an intro in like...900 years, so bear with me

about the mun :

hello hello new friends, i’m red, i’m 21, i use she/her pronouns ! the only fun fact i can think of is that last year when i went to the reputation tour and we were heading down to our hotel lobby to pick up our postmates, i found myself in the elevator with taylor’s dancers. it was very, Very awkward. i’m also kinda awkward, but i promise that i don’t bite & that i just wanna love on all of you and your babies ! give me all the connections, all the plots, all the things. i’m super stoked to start writing with y’all 

about the muse :

TAYLOR SWIFT has just arrived in hollywood and the TWENTY-NINE year old SINGER is already causing a stir! the CISFEMALE was seen leaving lax in a hurry, but not before the paparazzi could snap a few stunning photos ! from the looks of it, SHE/HER is going to be the new talk of the town. 

i’ve been playing taylor on and off for too long of a time, tbh — the fun of bringing her into a new group is that i get to kinda reinvent her and i never try to play the same taylor twice which is sksksks fun ! the only thing that stays the same across the board is that my taylor lives by the quote “be like a snake: be nice to people until they step on you”

sagittarius, slytherin, esfj

taylor’s bisexual, she’s not openly out to anyone beyond her immediate family and select friends and has no plans to come out any time soon. due to that, her public relationship history in the sake of this rp is very, very grey & i’m pretty much throwing it all to the wind until we accept said faces in the group & we have the chance to plot ! yeehaw creative liberties !

taylor is incredibly business-oriented; she doesn’t like to use the word calculating to describe her but there is an absolute method to her madness and she’s whip smart. she, for the most part, knows exactly what she is doing when she does it. as the years have gone by, she has strayed from the whimsical, carefree approach on life and everything she does is mapped out to a T. she’s iron-clad in her defenses and every move she makes has contingency plans for contingency plans. i think of it like this: her 1989 era was very rigid and impersonal after the release of the album. during the drama of 2016 taylor took her space and because she was out of the public eye, had to learn how to rework her life without such rigid structure. the reputation era was very blase and ‘i don’t give a fuck’ and the lover era is veering back into that commercial, "faces on, people !!” tone — because of all this, she can sometimes come across as cold and detached to the reality around her ? she’s in tune with the world but sometimes she doesn’t get that she has to switch the lens of ‘this is a business move’ into like, real life

*off key* truuuuUUUST issUUUUUES ! she’s super fucking guarded. she makes it seem like she lets people in very easily but that’s not necessarily the case, she’s just very good at making people feel accepted and included

forgiveness is easier said than done with her. she’ll say that she forgives you but her actions will scream “hi i’m holding a grudge”

if you have taylor in your corner, you have her there for the long run, period. the only time she willingly walks away is if she feels unwelcome or disagrees with something that’s been done/said (most usually towards her lmao)

i know labels died in like, 2015, but one of my favorites that i’d use to sum my t up in one word is cosmogyral —  the definition of the word cosmogyral is ‘whirling around the universe.’ she’s never content with stagnancy, she likes to constantly be thinking and doing and moving and striving to be all the things, essentially. taylor’s a very strategic, take no prisoners kinda girl; she’s also a huge dreamer with a big heart that often gets shadowed by all her steel that she keeps up. she tends to live in her head quite a bit, which comes at its costs. the big part that i usually read into with the cosmogyral is that they are incredibly volatile, they’re easy to flip or turn in their moods and are pretty fickle. taylor is the type of person who will change her mind a lot about something and she’ll be hella stubborn about it every time as if she didn’t feel some other type of way five minutes ago

positive traits include: sage, silver-tongued, fastidious, idealistic, intrepid, driven, hopeless romantic, affectionate, fervid, convival, generally a cinnamon roll (unless u invoke the Sin)

negative traits include: convoluted, self-isolating, sybaritic, clinical, somewhat neurotic, opinionated, lives with her finger on the trigger, vindictive, still sometimes kinda naive

i try not to write taylor as a caricature of herself ? because sometimes i feel like people do ? where the muse takes me is where the muse takes me and i probably won’t have a single explanation for it so this is me apologizing in advance !

anyways, i’ll shut up here ( otherwise i will go on forEVER ) so i can go grab a quick bite for dinner and then dedicate my evening to loving up your starters and babies ic & ooc ! ik it can sometimes be intimidating to message a whole ass stranger but if you wanna plot or just talk ooc, give this actual novella a like and as if by magic, i shall appear in your ims for all the things ! like i said above, i’m really excited to write with everyone and AHHHH I CAN’T WAIT love y’all already x

[imjustyouraveragenoone]

why u sucked

since my mind keeps replaying all the reasons u were perfect, here are the reasons u were fucking far from it.

1. ur ex drama. u dumped me for ur ex, then u realized that she was not right for u so u hit me up again. u got jealous that ur best friend was hitting me up and made sure to put an end to that really fast by making moves on me while u were still w ur ex. then u talked to me for a good period to follow thru on ur own ego problems and then proceeded to hook up w ur ex. who the actual fuck does this. stick to ONE u absolute manwhore. if u were so in love with ur ex why would u flirt with me while u guys were together, if u were so in love with me why would u hook up with her while we were talking. u literally just dont care about anyone but ur motherfucking self and it took me way too long to realize it, it took me my literal parents having to split us up for me to see the damage u did. 

2. u never made any effort to come see me. everything was on ur schedule, if u didnt want to hang out with me, u would go off. if u were horny, u would stay on. no explanations needed. if u felt like opening up, u would. otherwise, just pictures of ur eyebrow. i was constantly the one running around in circles trying to make this work. i decided to come see u in the morning, i would be the one who would come stand by ur friends at the end of the day, u never would fucking ask me to. unless, of course, it was whether u could come over to fuck. then, you would ask without any hesitation and beg and plead and do everything in ur power to make it work. don’t think i ever saw that effort in any other aspect of our relationship, hmmmmmm. no sentimental gifts or cute texts. u literally did the bare minimum and for some fucking reason i idealized u for it. mostly because i thought that most girls wouldnt even be lucky enough to get the bare minimum from u, and im prolly right. like u fucked me up SO BAD that one day u were telling me abt some girl u ghosted and my fUCKED UP MIND ACTUALLY WENT “WOW I MUST BE SPECIAL SINCE HE NEVER GHOSTED ME. MUST MEAN THAT HE ACTUALLY LOVES ME.” TF??????????????????????? mental issues. 

3. u literally sent me essays about not trusting me and all this shit that made me think that u were breaking up with me the DAY of my sat and then claimed u forgot i had to take it that day. i woke up in such a panic thinking that u were trying to dump me the day of the most important test of my literal life. why the fuck would anyone do that. why. i knew every date of ur physics tests, i knew what was going on in ur life, even finding out things from ur sister because i wanted to know. u just didnt even care at all. like ik u prolly actually did forget but if i was even important to u u would not of ever forgot in the first place. 

4. the constant dumping. dude, if ur just gonna constantly pull that shit for u to fulfill some insecurity in ur head and make u feel like u have the power in the relationship, u need help. im sorry that all ur exes were downright obsessed with u and u never had to wonder if u were the one who cared less in the relationship, but just because i didnt do that doesnt mean that u can just keep tryna dump me to affirm ur power struggles. 

5. blaming ur own shortcomings on ur broken past. i dont doubt it, but letting ur past define u is not taking u anywhere and ur just gonna end up stuck in ur own cycle of not dealing with ur problems.

6. the literal lack of any kind of ambition, drive and hard work ethic. u work hard to appear cool, to get girls, to get drugs, to do all this unnecessary shit, why u cant put that effort into simple homework assignments so ur not FAILING a class, i will never know. 

7. u had every right to get mad at me for being friends with ishan or whatever but i dont fucking think i have ever called u out for being best friends with every single ex u have ever had in fact i trust u so much i dont care that u spend literally 90% of ur time with at least one girl that u have had history with whether its roopa, khushi, and many more that i havent heard abt yet.

8. u hooked up w roopa. bruh. thats just disgusting and u know it. 

9. u always came for ME about hearing things from other ppl abt what i was up to. UM. UM??????? do u KNOW the shit i heard about u but didnt even confront u because i trusted u THAT much. lmaoooooo looking back u were a fucking clown for even bringing up that argument. sure, i was far from perfect and i made some questionable choices, but bruh so did YOU. 

10. u rlly tried to hit it without a condom. are u fucking retarded. imagine if i got pregnant. forget my parents literally kicking me out. imagine the atrocity of my kids having YOU as a father. nightmare shit..

11. u were so fucking emotionally distant that i literally took every small BARE MINIMUM nice thing u did and fucking RAN with it. looking back its so clear that u rlly didnt do anything special, u didnt say anything special, u did not do anything to prove u loved me. all u were good at was empty words to string me on because we both know that saying shit takes no effort and ur all about that no effort lifestyle. like now that im thinking about it..... what have u done for me? what have u done? said i love you, texted me a shit ton when u were horny, said a bunch of future shit and made me laugh. wow u fulfilled the basic requirements of a relationship, and since u have a nice little reputation for being an asshole, i took that as a WOW HE MUST RLLY LOVE ME. thats actually so sad that i lowered my standards THAT much just so that i could be with u.

12. u made me cry and feel so low for so much of the relationship and i rlly dont understand why i thought we were so perfect. the lows we had were downright unacceptable and u never were able to truly put ur pride aside to tell me how u felt about me besides when we were fighting or u felt like u were losing me and thats how i know that the love we had mightve been genuine or whatever, but its not the love i deserve. 

7 months wasted, lowkey grateful my parents pulled me outta that shit bc i never would have had the mental strength to do it and we prolly woudlve ended up breaking up in like a few months bc u hooked up w some unc charlotte hoe or something. yikes. what u have been up to post-relationship is neither my business nor something i have a right to be upset about so im not gonna go off on u for that because i rlly dont have the mental space to care abt what ur up to now. 

my next lover better be someone who isnt fucking scared to show that they care about me, someone that respects me, someone that isnt selfish and obsessed with using girls to fill their own shortcomings. love shouldnt be a constant power struggle and i should never have to wonder whats going on in ur life. ur supposed to KNOW what ur boyfriend is up to. its part of a relationship. so fuck u for making me drop my standards to such comical levels. 

[ogygia]

What the fuck is the LBRP? appendix: FAQs

I promised in my guide to the LBRP that I’d deal with some miscellaneous points in a separate post. Because so much of it comes in the form of questions, I’ve decided to present in the form of FAQs! 

(Source)

Here goes ...

1. I read your guide and it was interesting and stuff, but isn’t the LBRP just a fancy way of banishing, casting a circle and calling the quarters? It’s not really that special.

Technically, you’re not wrong. But you’ve put the cart before the horse. The butter before the bread. The jam before the clotted cream (fellow Brits will not argue this point with me). Because the likelihood is that modern pagan notions of banishing, casting a circle and calling the quarters (in that order) probably derived from the LBRP, rather than vice versa.

Now’s a good time to remind ourselves that Gerald Gardner, the father of the modern witchcraft revival – and the person who introduced the term ‘Wicca’ into the fold – probably borrowed heavily from Freemasonry and (shock, horror) Aleister Crowley himself. There’s no real reason why modern (organised) Wicca should have a degree system, or employ specific liturgy or ceremonies: these are likely to be based on a Masonic template, with some influence from the Great Beast’s writings. One of the early manuscripts of Wiccan material contain rituals and quotations copied from Crowley and the Golden Dawn, though what this tells us about the actual nature of Crowley and Gardner’s relationship is a matter of debate. 

Either way, the whole procedure of banishing, casting a circle and calling the quarters you find in a lot of post-Wicca witchcraft may have its derivation in the LBRP itself, or at least late Victorian occultism. Remember, I’m not saying these practices themselves, on their own terms, originate from the LBRP; I know that banishing is a thing all over the world, as is circle-casting (which has a long history in the grimoire tradition), as is calling the quarters (in Taoist craft, for instance, the four directions are invoked as well). What I’m saying is that the recognised ritual procedure in modern witchcraft which involves all three steps probably has a ceremonial origin, so it would be putting the cart before the horse to dismiss the LBRP as a glorified circle-casting procedure, without recognising its role as an original model for modern Wiccan-based practice. 

I’d suggest using the right tools for the right purposes: you wouldn’t kill a fly with a shotgun (not that you can’t). If you want to banish, actually banish. If you want to cast a circle, cast a circle. If you want to call the quarters, actually call them. Familiarise yourself with various non-ceremonial methods for doing these things – Gemma Gary and Nigel Pearson are a good source of information – and experiment. It’ll probably do a lot more for you than a quaint Victorian procedure based in badly appropriated Kabbalah.

In fact, you might find out that your craft only needs one or two of these steps, or none at all. Depending on tradition and the kind of work you’re doing, you may not need to formally banish, or cast a circle, or call the quarters, as long as you’re maintaining good spiritual hygiene, and/or already have a good working relationship with the spirits. 

2. Should I use a wand to do the LBRP? Or a dagger? Or will my finger do? Is there a difference? 

The First Knowledge Lecture of the Golden Dawn instructs the student to use ‘a steel dagger in the right hand’; Crowley in Liber O says to ‘make a pentagram ... with the proper weapon (usually the Wand)’. So basically, you can use whatever the fuck you want, especially if you don’t care for either the Golden Dawn or Crowley. Or try it with different things over a period of time and see how it feels. Experiment, make notes, see what works.

Advanced-level thoughts: I suspect Crowley diverges from the Golden Dawn because of the centrality of Will to his philosophy of magick. The steel dagger in the GD version appears to be a more functional, or perhaps less fussy alternative to the Magical Sword, which according to The Golden Dawn ‘is used in all cases where great force and strength are to be used and are required, but principally for banishing and for defence against evil forces’.

For Crowley, however, ‘The Magick Wand is ... the principal weapon of the Magus; and the "name" of that wand is the Magical Oath.’ (Liber ABA, Part II, Chapter VI). I feel it entirely appropriate that the Wand is the more Thelemic approach, not just because of Crowley’s phallic obsessions but mainly because asserting one’s individuality and celebrating one’s True Will is so central to Thelema. To employ the Wand in one of ceremonial magick’s key rituals symbolically reinforces the sovereignty of the Magus and their True Will over their universe.

3. Ew, Christian stuff! Can I change the names/symbols/words because I had a bad childhood experience with Christianity/hate Christians/hate God/ love the Goddess and want to do a Goddess version/don’t want anything to do with the Judeo-Christian system/am rebellious and just want to be different?

Short answer: Did you read the fucking guide?

Long answer: Listen, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Just don’t call it the LBRP, or claim that it’s ‘the same thing’, or works the same way.

Much has already been said about this elsewhere, but your knee-jerk reaction to Judeo-Christian elements in ceremonial magick reveal a lot more about you than it does the ritual. We know the LBRP is rooted in a Kabbalistic tradition; your feelings towards it doesn’t change its effectiveness for generations of practitioners. 

You don’t need to use the LBRP if you’re not comfortable. I don’t even use it that much these days. My only advice to you is to i) not be dismissive about it, especially in the presence of newbies and inquiring beginners; ii) recognise that the LBRP is a whole ecosystem of a ritual in itself, and simply changing the names and words willy-nilly and claiming it to be a legitimate alternative is at best misguided, at worst misleading for others. 

Being an asshole: ‘Why would you want to use a ritual that calls out to an oppressive God? Here, I wrote a version where the names are all replaced by pagan deities, and calls on the Goddess. It’s the same, in fact, it’s better. Fuck Xtianity.’

Not being an asshole: ‘Hmm, I would suggest you research it carefully before deciding whether to use it or not, but if you prefer something non-Christian, as I would, why not try X method to banish, or doing Y to cast a circle, so you avoid the whole ceremonial thing altogether – if that’s what you’re looking for?’

My point being, I don’t care if you don’t like the LBRP. I care if you poison the mind of impressionable new seekers with your own knee-jerk prejudices.

That said, there are certain alternatives that in my opinion are legitimate, or close enough in effect, or possess a similar potentiality:

The Olympic Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram (notes) – I personally think this is an excellent alternative, especially for those who work within a Greco-Roman paradigm, or a Gnostic/Neoplatonic framework.

The Star Ruby – You’ll probably be aware of this one already if you know your Crowley. Frankly, this is not recommended to anyone who isn’t already working in a Thelemic context.

I can’t think of any other ones right now, but I’ll post them if I come across any.

4. Okay, in your guide I’ve noticed that you can use an Invoking pentagram. How does that work?

One thing I didn’t have space to clarify in the original guide is that the LBRP is not in fact a ritual; it is a variant of a ritual. Think of the structure of the LBRP as a basic template; you can adapt the template for different purposes by drawing the pentagrams in different ways. You can use the LRP (as the basic ritual is called) to invoke or banish any of the five elements, including Spirit; but, as explained in the guide, Earth is chosen as the basic banishing variant because it deals with influences in the mundane sphere of existence.

I didn’t go through the Golden Dawn system myself but as far as I’m aware, part of the work in the outer order involves invoking the elements separately using the LRP and recording what differences they make in your life. I imagine you can easily adapt this to raise specific elemental energies for specific purposes, but I feel like there’s a lot more power in using the planets for practical purposes anyway, rather than the elements. But that’s another discussion.

Also, if you’re wondering, there is indeed a Greater version of the ritual, and in fact there’s also a Supreme version of the ritual, but you don’t need to bother with those unless you’re a Golden-Dawn-type ceremonialist and/or want to work with Enochian energies. And there’s also a hexagram version of the ritual, but I’ll discuss that in a separate guide, perhaps ...

5. This has all been very interesting! Any resources on the ritual that you might suggest, so I can do further research?

Lists! I love lists. My thoughts on useful resources for the LBRP:

To begin with, the aforementioned First Knowledge Lecture is always worth looking through.

Crowley’s ‘Notes on the Ritual of the Pentagram’ – a surprisingly short essay for a usually verbose man, but succinctly explains some of the key mechanics of how the ritual works, and how to perform it properly. Can get a bit technical.

Thelema and Skepticism’s blog post on the LBRP – the blogger in question here has very strong views about what Thelema is or isn’t and I’ve seen him get caught up in all kinds of drama on forums, but his post on the LBRP is one of the best and most comprehensive discussions of the ritual I’ve ever seen. Read with a critical mind, of course, but this is about as orthodox an explanation of the ritual as it gets.

Mark Stavish’s Additional Notes on the LBRP – an excellent, if occasionally jargon-y, further discussion of the ritual, including thoughts on how the angels might be visualised, based on Golden Dawn colour correspondences.

Scott Michael Stenwick’s blog post on the LBRP – a miscellaneous collection of thoughts on the ritual, including some brilliant myth-busting. Stenwick is an excellent magical blogger and his work on the method of the operant field is frankly brilliant. Honestly, I just recommend his whole blog. 

Not directly relevant, and a book, but Lon Milo DuQuette’s The Chicken Qabalah of Rabbi Lamed Ben Clifford is a top-notch and very funny introduction to the Hermetic Kabbalah – i.e. the Kabbalah as it is used in the Western ceremonial tradition.

That’s it, folks. There’s more to be said, but probably as miscellaneous throwaway conversations when they arise. I emphasise my earlier point that I write this from my own understanding of and experiences with the ritual, and therefore don’t expect everyone to agree with all of my points. Feel free to send me asks or something if you have any questions or thoughts.

[ruffsficstuffplace]

The Viridian Vanguard (Part 32)

Elsewhere in the Grove during the duels, Weiss was in her nest, Penny snuggled up to her chest, Cheese and Winter’s summons around her for company, menial tasks, and/or food as she watched holos through Penny’s projector. (The quality was far superior than her comm-crystal’s.)

“I feel it… the purity of their love…!” screamed the monster of the week. “This is it… the power, of YURI!”

A wave of purple-black miasma shot out of the monster, washing over the convention floor, reality itself beginning to warp and change as bright, prismatic energy was sucked out of them.

Hina gasped. “Akane, Aoi, look! All the couples, the anime and manga, even the doujins and the fan art—they’re all losing their gayness!”

“You monster!” Aoi screamed. “Do you know how long that slow-burn was between Diya and Nene?! This is an affront to all of Girls Love!”

“You’re going down, Yarama!” Akane screamed as she whipped out her spear, Hina and Aoi doing the same with their weapons.

“Piper, this show is so fucking stupid...” Weiss muttered.

“Would you like to change to something else?” Penny asked through an annotation on the holo.

“I didn’t say I wasn’t enjoying it!” Weiss said.

A fight sequence began, the tables and displays being torn up and destroyed from the empowered monster, the heroes trying their best to spare the panicked, confused convention goers, and the merchandise, too, if they could help it.

“Face it, Spiral Hearts!” the Yarama cried. “The power of women loving women is just too strong!”

“That is true…” Hina replied “… but it’s not as strong as the true fans of yuri, those who make and support new content for fans everywhere, not filthy parasites like you! Akane! Aoi!”

“On it!” they both cried, before they all joined their weapons into one giant cannon. “For the love of all that makes our lives worth living… SPIRAL PIERCER…!”

The projection suddenly stopped, Penny’s eyes flashing green.

“What happened?” Weiss asked amid the disappointed growls and groans of the summons.

“It seems there was a serious accident during Jaune and Pyrrha’s training!” Penny replied, untangling herself from Weiss’ arm, then hovering towards the window. “I’m afraid my medical expertise is needed on-site, apologies, Weiss.”

“Don’t you just have first-aid equipment right now?” Weiss asked as she sat up.

“Yes, but I still have my treatment database, patient history, and high-precision scanners,” Penny replied. “I’ll inform you of any new developments as soon as I can!”

Weiss sighed, frowning as she watched Penny fly out the window and out of sight. One of Winter’s summons gently prodded her on the side, and gestured to her comm-crystal charging on a dock in the corner; she turned to them and shook her head. “You’ll have to find out what happens next later, I’ve got a hunch I need to investigate,” she said as she stood up. “Help me get dressed, everyone!”

The summon sighed, before everyone available either fetched Weiss’ garments from the closet, or helped her put it on. “Cheese, you’re coming with me,” Weiss said as she scooped what remained of him from his plate, now just a small blob no bigger than her hand.

c:

“I’m heading out to the training grounds!” Weiss said as she passed by Winter in the living room.

“Don’t try to squeeze in more exercise when you’re supposed to be recovering, I really did mean that was the only time I’d carry you back!” Winter replied, not looking up from the Nivian-Actaeon book she was reading.

“I won’t, sheesh! It’s been what, four years since that happened?” Weiss said as she opened the door.

“I know you, Weiss, it takes a long while for you to give up on something you’ve put your mind to,” Winter replied as she turned the page.

Weiss shook her head as she shut the door behind her, called for the elevator before taking a bite out of Cheese.

He was down to just his soulstone by the time she arrived, by which point Jaune was securely strapped to a spine board and being carried away by Taiyang and Nora, Ren and Penny following them with medical supplies.

Futher away, Yang was on a bench, comforting the rather glum looking Pyrrha sitting beside her. After a few moment’s consideration, Weiss stepped over and asked, “May I ask what the hell happened to Jaune this time?”

“We were dueling, and I accidentally threw him far harder and further than I intended,” Pyrrha replied. “His landing was… ugly.”

“Should I…?” Weiss asked uneasily.

“In short: he looked a human pretzel,” Yang said. “Just so you know, the un-pretzeling process wasn’t pretty, either.”

“Uh... huh...” Weiss mumbled. “Do you need me to stay, or should I just leave…?” she asked, thumbing behind her.

“If your brain is functioning enough again for Pit Fighter business, sure!” Yang said.

“I’ve made quite a lot of progress on the weapon choice front, it’d be a shame to waste this time,” Pyrrha added.

Weiss nodded, and sat down with them. “So how’s it going, exactly?”

“If we’re being thorough about it, I’m halfway through the process,” Pyrrha replied. “I still haven’t explored any of the Fae firearms that weren’t almost-complete replicas of AFA armaments, but now I know for sure that I have a solid idea of what I’m looking for in melee weapons.”

“And what would that be?” Weiss asked.

“Something versatile with reach, coupled with a shield and elemental mediums for an all-rounded offense or defense,” Pyrrha replied. “Weiss’ temporarily limited powers aside, both of you are highly specialized fighters, and I’d rather not lose a good chunk of our effectiveness, or expose glaring weaknesses in our defenses should one of you be downed, or otherwise indisposed. Whether it’s defending against attacks from any range, leading a charge into our enemies, or wreaking some elemental havoc, I’ll be ready for it.

“That being said, I haven’t seen what Fae ranged weapons can bring to the table, and if the melee weapons were any indication, they should be quite the learning experience.”

“You should probably join us at the firing range later, Weiss!” Yang said. “Get a feel for how the Fae deal death from a distance.”

“I’d rather not,” Weiss replied. “After all that training at the Terrace, my arms will definitely become too sore to even hold a gun as soon as I’m hit the recoil.”

“I meant in a mental, tactical sense, see what you might go up against in person!” Yang replied. “You’ve barely seen anyone really use a ranged weapon outside of all-out war where tracking who fired what was the least of your worries. Plus, the special ammo will give you a great idea of what happens when you mix elements up—nothing wrong with your using pure, but you miss out on useful things like Melty Wash that way.”

“’Melty Wash…?’” Weiss asked.

“Melty Wash,” Yang repeated, nodding. “It sounds just as stupid in Actaeon, don’t worry.” She winced as her stomach growled. “Ugh, all this drama made me forget how hungry I am—come on, let’s go get some grub and a nap, then on to lighting shit up!” she said, getting up.

Weiss shrugged. “Alright, fine, I’ll go!” she said as she hopped up. “I figured I needed to get out of bed and do something productive today, anyway...”

Jaune was left in the cabin he bunked in, Taiyang and Penny stayed behind to take care of him and keep him company. Everyone else had lunch and rested a while, before discussing Pyrrha’s firearms training.

As elementally-infused ammo, alchemical grenades, chemical weapons and the like needed to be specially ordered by and used under the supervision of a senior watcher or other qualified individual, and Qrow was far too drunk at the moment, they started out with the standard Fae firearms.

In contrast to the practical, sleek, and streamlined AFA guns Pyrrha was used to, the Fae practically made it a point to have their guns as flashy and embellished as possible. Every one of them seemed to have as many engravings, stylized components, and decorations as they could possibly add without compromising function too much, like an iron sight made out of some long-dead predator’s skull, the gun barrel coming out of its jaws

Metal and wood were the materials of choice for most of them, all manner of colours, grains, and sheen from the varieties, mixtures, and treatments, with the rest of the parts made from bone, rock, crystal, plant fibers, and whatever else the Fae could get their hands or hand-equivalents on. There was barely any built-in magitech to be seen, no small-form targeting systems, recoil adjusters, or ammo management systems, just physical springs, levers, hammers, revolvers, and whatever else.

And almost all of them were powerful, even the quietest guns having massive impact.

Thip. Crack. Thip. Crack. Thip. Crack.

Pyrrha fired her “Fang Gun” into a log target, each bone projectile lodging an inch or two deep into the wood, splinters flying out from the holes, the cracks clearly audible to Weiss even as she watched from well away to the side.

She stopped after six shots, putting her rifle down and massaging her arms. “Not the kind of gun you fire just for fun, is this?” she asked Ren.

“Not unless your idea of ‘fun’ is accuracy competitions, or clean hunting kills,” Ren replied calmly. “Shall we focus on lower-caliber weapons that are easier to fire for sustained periods, such as repeaters? Most every Fae firearm hits the user almost as hard as they do the target.”

“No,” Pyrrha replied, picking the gun back up, and aiming for a farther target. “I suppose I’ll just have to learn to make every single shot a hit from here on out!”

Ren nodded. “One well-placed bullet’s all you really need, most of the time.”

“And the rest?” Pyrrha asked.

Ren smiled. “Two bullets.”

After Pyrrha started getting used to the intense recoil, and firing far less frequently than she would have with human guns, they started planning which weapons she was to try out, how she was going to test them out, and who would be involved.

Everyone except Weiss donned a set of armour; a small arena was built by a copse of smaller trees with the help of deployable cover, ballistic shields, and the foliage; and several dozen crates of ammo were carted out of storage, their contents transferred to smaller boxes set around the area, or to loaded into all manner of belts, bags, and quivers just waiting to be strapped on.

Before Pyrrha’s first live-fire exercise, however, Ren wanted to demonstrate how Fae opponents would be using firearms themselves, exchanging his usual sickles for two “Shredders,” Fae-style SMGs.

“The first thing you need know is, except for heavy weapons like Hailstorm cannons or extreme long-distance weapons like Shardslingers and Farslingers, Fae tend to prefer shooting on the move, and most can shoot quite accurately and survive getting shot at also,” Ren said as he loaded one of his guns with a clip.

He dashed towards some training dummies, shredding their canvas coverings with short, accurate burts. He maneuvered around their cover and shot them from behind, slid on the ground to slip through tiny gaps and holes in defenses, even leaped off a ledge and fired the last of his clip in mid-air.

“Predicting your enemies movements and firing where they will be in a second is a helpful skill in lower ranks, and absolutely vital as you move up,” he said as landed, pulled out his second shredder and loaded them both.

“The second is that, thanks to our biology and engineering advancements, dual-wielding guns isn’t as stupid and dangerous idea to us Fae as it is to you humans,” Ren said as he adjusted the stocks, shortening them and fitting them over his forearms. “In fact, it’s actually quite popular inside the Pits, both as a stylistic choice and a significant combat advantage.”

He calmly crossed a bridge lined with target dummies, both guns blazing and ripping apart targets on both sides, casually bending his arms further and more dramatically than any human could to shoot behind his back, over his shoulders, and even under his leg.

“And the third and arguably the most important is: we Fae are far, far more mobile and agile than any of you are right now, or will be in the immediate future, so do consider any way your enemies can outmaneuver and flank you,” Ren said as he holstered one gun, replaced the empty clip with a drum magazine.

He moved towards one of the “bases” in the arena, a tight cluster of trees with platforms rising up two stories above him, a small sniper’s nest on the third. Several dummies stood behind cover, well-protected from any shots angled upwards, free to pump Ren full of bullets if they were actually armed and alive.

Then Ren started jumping from branch to branch, running up and along the trunk and the walls, swinging from the ropes or running on top of the ziplines, raining metal hell down on all of them from above and behind.

Ren zipped down from the base, gracefully landing back down to the ground. He unloaded the empty drum, turned over to Pyrrha and Weiss said, “Generally speaking, never forget to look up. Now, any questions or concerns?”

“None,” Pyrrha said, smiling as she put on her helmet. “Let’s get shooting.”

“Oh yeah!” Nora cried as she shot out of her seat. “We about to get all John Woo up in here!”

Note: Aside from the tendency for special ammo and the like to deteriorate over time, to the point of being unusable or dangerous to use, it’s also expensive to produce, and capable of causing severe injuries to folks and damage to property that oftentimes require urgent, specialized treatment, thus the many hurdles to legally acquiring and using them. Due to the nature of the Keeper and her team, restrictions are a bit looser and relatively easier, but not by much.

The shardslinger is the non-elemental version of the farslinger. Though they use many similar designs, the key difference is in the loading mechanism and the insides of the barrels, with the latter being specially treated and much, much, MUCH more expensive, to be able to handle the severe wear of high-power elemental mediums. It’s not unknown for substandard barrels to simply explode or melt during stress testing.

This chapter was coded “Shooty Shooty Bang Bang.” The next chapter is coded “John Woo-ing It Up In Here.”

[aikainkauna]

Movie meeeehm

Thanks to @nitrateglow for these!

1: A movie you enjoyed as a kid that you don't now

-Probs some comedy I'd find awfully sexist/racist/homophobic etc. now. But of course, I can't recall a specific one, probs because the experience is so deeply squicky and traumatic. Oh, wait, I know. I adored The Great Mouse Detective as a kid, but have heard so many "bleh" comments about it later that I don't want to ruin it by rewatching it as an adult. Why take a happy, cherished, pure and joyous memory away, especially as there are so few of those in my life anyway in proportion to the bad memories?

2: A movie you disliked as a kid that you like/love now

-Not a movie, but I was literally too fucking terrified to watch Doctor Who as a kid on cable, because the Tom Baker repeats they were showing terrified me with the title sequence alone. That empty stare and howling, diddly-duming music were enough to give me nightmares. So I only got into Who in my late teens!

3: Your favorite movie as a kid

-Define "kid." I went through several. I loved the Disney Robin Hood, of course, and at puberty, Wayne's World (yes) and The Princess Bride were my own cult movies, before I had anyone to fangirl them with. Ah, the pre-Internet era.

4: An actor/actress it took you time to warm up to

I remember being weirdly terrified and disturbed by Jeremy Brett as a kid, but then I felt the same about Bowie, and... well. Clearly it was my baby self not knowing WTF to do with all this stirring, restless energy that later turned out to be my skinnyandrogynousbisexualguy orientation thingy. And while I'd first seen Caligari and Casablanca as a teen in the early 90s, I wasn't ready for Connie until he pounced me in 2012. I would not have "got" him the same way and as hard until I was a grown-up, with a wide variety of experiences from many areas of life and a boatload of books/learning behind me. Just... no way.

5: A director it took you time to warm up to

-If anything, I've cooled off various directors I was impressed by when younger. So much of the auteur stuff gets wanky and self-imposing, in this Arrogant Artist Guy "look at my GENIUS big VISION and also insecurity about my penis size" kind of way. I like directors who can be warm and have fun and who show some real humanity (not wanky anvilly/kitchen sink-y sort of "humanity" either). Maybe Branagh? I found him a bit annoying as a kid, but now fap all over his stuff because now I'm old enough to Get It. He is the best kind of fanboy director; his geekiness is catching. Listening to his Thor commentary was a real eye-opener into my realising just how massive a nerd he is, and in a good, "one of us" kind of way.

6: Top five favorite soundtracks of your favorite movie composer

-There isn't just one! But Clint Mansell and Debbie Wiseman turn to gold everything they touch. Debbie especially is hugely unknown still, but she has this most amazing, swellingly Romantic music full of sweeping emotion that I just can't rec her enough. Do check her out; she'll give you goosebumps.

7: Three movies that defined your teen/childhood years

-I think I mentioned those already! But as a teenager, Bram Stoker's Dracula, La Reine Margot and Heavenly Creatures were formative. There were others I obsessed about way more than those, but they weren't as influential--it's more like they were massaging buttons I already had.

8: Sci-fi or westerns?

-Blake's 7! AKA "The Dirty Dozen in Space."

9: Are there any movies you own more than one copy of?

-Ahhahaha. AAAHHAHAHAHA! Of The Thief of Bagdad, I own: The Criterion clusterfuck with the awful clumsy cover someone had their 5-year-old draw, the Nordic DVD, the German Blu-Ray because I live on the edge (what with those Veidt Eye Closeups in HD being a hazard to any uterus) and at least three different digital copies. Because I'm me. I also own two digital copies and one DVD of Casablanca, three digital and one DVD of A Woman's Face and don't get me started on the British telefantasy I have on both DVD and VHS. I have spare copies of both the Caligari Masters of Cinema release and the ITV DVD of The Spy In Black, so I guess I should throw them at somebody.

10: Physical media or streaming?

-Neither. Video files firmly saved onto and run from my hard drive. Fuck streaming with its choppiness (ruins the viewing experience for me) and physical media are usually beyond my budget (unless I save up for a Connie DVD). Besides, I rip my favourite movie discs onto my HD anyway. I want to be able to gif that shit, dammit!

11: Are there any movies you watch on special occasions every year (Christmas, Halloween, birthdays, your mother's aunt's wedding anniversary, etc.)

-Used to do Nightmare Before Christmas on Halloween, but not any more. I still attempt ToB every Christmas. And I used to do All Through The Night with wine on my birthday, but as I can't tolerate alcohol anymore, the experience of Watching ATTN Drunk is no more. Someone start a Halloween tradition with me where we watch either The Student of Prague or Eerie Tales (or both) every year?

12: What movie do you most associate with your best friend(s)?

-Gosh, so few have stayed, so it's more like "movie that reminds you of a broken friendship," yay...?! I've learned to try and not associate movies with people that way any more, because it's more painful than it's worth. Connie is my best friend. He's like Krishna that way.

13: Name a movie adaptation you thought was better than or equal to its source material.

-LOTR put in more facial features and characterisation than Tolkien ever did, and did the tales far less fucking tediously. Imagine if you'd had to sit and watch hobbits walking through the countryside for 6 hours with barely anything happening?! Yeah...

14: What genres do your favorite movies tend to be?

-Historical, fantasy, Gothic Romantic, just Romantic stuff on the whole. More old than new movies these days. Why watch shitty modern chick flicks when I have far better characterisation and far less narrowly defined female lives in old-timey "women's pictures?" And guys who actually fucking shaved, dressed in clothes that were tailored for them instead of rented and saggy, whose bodily expressions weren't frozen for fear of "fagginess," and who weren't pumped full of 'roids.

15: Are you a fan of period dramas and if so, what era do you enjoy best?

-Yes. I love me some costume dramas, but I am seriously picky about them--most post-90s ones have been fucking awful and tend to feature shitty costumes and unkempt hair that would've sent real historical people to Bedlam, wobblycam from hell, vomit-inducingly excessive modernisation to be "edgy", and that one painfully skeletal bint they shove into every period drama ever these days, so it's... slim pickings for a history nerd, these days. There aren't many good ones set in the 17th century/Baroque era, which I love the most: the two Baroque dramas I wholeheartedly love are both series. (The Devil's Whore and By The Sword Divided.) The Angeliques and Musketeer adaptations are riddled with flaws, but there are some glowing bits within. As for The Golden Age of Islam... bloody hell, there really aren't that many good ones out there, are there?! ToB and Jodhaa Akbar and Disney's Aladdin, obviously. La Reine Margot isn't "my" period but it's great, as is Dangerous Liaisons (also not my period)--those are so fucking perfect. And the Connie period dramas, well... I think of them as primarily "silent movies" or "old movies," actually. Of those, The Student of Prague, ToB and The Wandering Jew are the best "costume" ones, IMHO. (I'd probs enjoy Lucrezia Borgia and Carlos and Elisabeth way more, were the copies we have not so smudgy.)

16: Name a movie you love that you would recommend to just about everyone.

-Ah, but we know there are always cynical cunts out there who'd give even Casablanca two stars, so what's the point? I'd still recommend it, though. And The Lion King, I guess.

17: Name a movie you love that you consider an acquired taste.

-Honestly, I'm thinking of telly rather than movies again. You will pry my cherished copy of The Time Monster from my cold, dead hands. Does The Devil of Winterborne count as a movie or TV? That's how far back my love for Mark Gatiss goes. Um... Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood makes me fucking cry with laughter (the comedic timing is what does it. *beat* "Ain't dat some shit!"). Of Connie's oeuvre, yes, I know Bella Donna is rubbish, but Connie and Mary are SIZZLING and horny and juicy and it's Valid as a BDSM porn movie. And the novel is actually good.

18: Name a film you like directed by/starring a filmmaker/actor you normally don't care for.

-Not so much actor/director, but I did *not* expect to love Thor as much as I did, because I expected a dumb popcorn movie but got great adventure cinema with a touch of Shakespeare instead. I really am not the right audience for regular Marvel features at all, before or after. Fuck Marvel up its dumb macho Republican ass. But Thor is fucking beautiful and operatic and poetic and majestic and Pagan and shit. Branagh knows what I like.

19: Name a movie that blew your mind.

-A Woman's Face (1941). Because. Holy. Fuck. How can I keep on finding yet more details in it six years after first watching it, having watched it countless times by now?! And obvs all the other stuff, like the shockingly good female POV, amazing and complex woman protagonist, amazing writing, amazing ensemble cast, amazing direction, amazing lighting, amazing evil Torsten Slinkypussy Barring and The. Goddamn. Attic. Scene.

20: What genre mash-up would you most love to see that either hasn't been done yet or hasn't been done enough?

-Feminist-savvy historical romance with fantasy elements and hot explicit sex that's not shit. Basically, like the stuff you see in my fics, but better paced and woven into coherent adventure movies.

21: The coolest movie you've ever seen

-Too, too many. But Bogie was the coolest. And Claude Rains had the best acting skills. And Conrad Veidt was Conrad motherfucking Veidt. So what with those three mountains of coolness all converging under the Moroccan sky, I'm sure it's safe to say "Casablanca."