#uni life get hard
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feeling a bit overwhelmed lately
#like uni is so busy atm w deadlines n then just in general life#i feel like i have no time to myself which makes it so hard for me to function and im so tired#i know it'll be fine like i just need to get things done but theres just alot#had a diss meeting that went well n clarified some things so thats good#diary#tiyas thoughts
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13.07.2024
So lately life has not been very kind to me and I kinda neglected my studies, I hit a study block and now it has been very difficult to get started. Hence, I'm starting a productivity challenge. Nothing too unrealistic (like the 100 days challenge, idk how y'all do it really) but enough time to get over this block. The only way out is through.
day 1/30 of productivity
Studies
Went to the library and organized my studies step by step, in order not to feel overwhelmed with how many things I still have to do.
Right now I'm focusing on animal nutrition and anatomy
Wrote maaany anatomy flashcards
Enjoy some random cute photos I took recently🍓
#30 days of productivity#30 days productivity challenge#university#my post#studyblr#studying#study space#study motivation#study hard#study session#study blog#studyspo#100 days of productivity#trying to be productive#uni life#get motivated
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#sso#star stable online#ssoblr#sso linda#linda chanda#linda's purple glasses#sso anne#anne von blyssen#my art#well i must be honest in that i've been spending a lot of time wishing that i would wake up in the hospital#with no responsibilities besides eat sleep and go potty#like#life is so simple in there#and i feel the same kind of tired that i do when im hooked up to morphine in an iv#but real life exists and i have to worry about relationships uni family work living in new country soon#and on top of it all#just more traumatic stuff#that#has recently been hard to process#and i have to process it for anything to get better#and for this stuff to stop happening#at least stop happening from the handful of people who cause it#but for the rest of the world#it is still fucked#its just been feeling like quite the isolating time as of late#i have me my lindas in life#but fuck i need a concorde right now.#concorde is technically self... though#i need my conscience on my side
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idk how to live so im going to talk to myself out loud until i do
#listen. take a deep breath. i know your bpm is high but you need to think with me for a second.#remember that you are paper thin. all your facets are sheets of paper and what you gave her is just another one.#make a new one. you dont need it. you dont need her to see you. i know you think you need her but you will be okay. i know its hard.#you wish you could have shown her how you loved her. listen to yourself. you are made of paper.#she might be concrete or maybe wood or maybe gold. you need to start laying your roots elsewhere. shut that thought down#and blink and listen. the parts you keep thinking of arent lost. they still happened and they are yours to keep.#there is beauty in this loss. tell me about the beauty in this loss. its okay to think about it. you got to see it all and nothing more#and this is great because it would have been bad. you know it would be violent in a way you dont need. you know this to be true.#you are going to look at that empty space in her shape and youre going to fill it with everything that happened when you knew her.#the memories with her but then also the the way your friends talked you through it. the game with the clovers.#your first allergic reaction you almost died and you couldnt stop laughing and you were held so close to their hearts.#learning the names for all the floursecent gene tracking dyes that everyone else knows already. about the exam - listen again.#i know you think if you fail your life is over but you need to try your best. youre not going to get a good grade in a uni test for the fir#youre going to make up for it. youre going to make sure you make up for it. do you understand? i love you. you have to do this.#right now you need to sit up. breathe. i know your heart hurts. go to the living room. grab something to eat. i dont care if you feel full.#youre going to clean your mattress heater. youre going to study a bit longer and then youre going to sleep. youre going to tell your mother#im sorry and i might genuinely fail a test. shes going to tell you its okay. if you do badly in this course you can just become a neurosurg#just agree. dont argue right now. its okay. youre okay. you are paper thin. i know any puncture hurts.#breathe. think of your friends. think of their hands in yours. it isnt eternal.youve lived through worse. the empty sky is still beautiful.#the lack of her is still beautiful
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the funniest part of being in dark academia spaces etc online is that you do really begin to see how like fake all of it is when people are posting and reblogging pictures of your own university (and romanticising your own degree) and they've all just been... desaturated to high heaven like no the shortcut to your lectures doesn't look like that - nothing weirder than seeing people look up to what is essentially half of your life as an aesthetic pinnacle and meanwhile there you are doing studying the classics in an old british university and that is not the vibe
idk it just makes me laugh, seeing photos that can literally include the outside of my own student bedroom being romanticised when i can see very clearly that the sepia filter is blasted to 100 and there aren't tourists everywhere
#like this isn't to sound braggy#like oh i live the real dark academia life#im so lucky to have my degree and my uni#its more a remark on just how fake aesthetic spaces are#and the people who curate them are so aware of that#but those who consume it aren't necessarily as aware#and that it creates this lie that lifts up certain subjects and institutions#without a recognition of how different experiences of that subject or place can be#but the lack of recognition of seasonal change is also very amusing#but it is both funny and sad the obvious manipulation of reality#that said#the reason i am in dark academia spaces is because it motivates me when i feel tired of my degree#to remember my own passion for it#and how lucky i am#and how hard i worked to get here#and that this is my dream#and the desensitisation to the wonder of these places and lifestyles#is a real problem#and we should all live with a little but more sparkle#classics#classics student#classicsblr#latin student#oxbridge#dark academia#seeing people aspire to what you have#as someone who also aspired to it#is inspiring#KEEP GOING#you can make it
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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ive got an essay due at 3pm tomorrow and ive not even looked at it i am so so unserious about my degree and by the grace of some higher being i somehow keep managing to crawl through it's actually getting a bit funny
#me and an old friend of mine used to have a running joke during a-levels that im just one of those people where shit Works Out#and it started bc we shared two a-levels (english and economics) and in BOTH classes i regularly didn't do the homework#or the reading etc and yet it would ALWAYS work out for me#like we'd walk into a class neither of us having done the homework and they'd get yelled at while i went under the radar somehow#or that one english essay i got the highest score in the class when i literally hadn't even read the fucking book it was on#and when we pointed the theory out it started just becoming really prevalent#like no matter how late i am for things i'll arrive and by some miracle the thing im late for is also late (e.g a train or teacher)#like im just one of those people that has very very mundane luck#and low and behold i am fighting this degree with bloody fists putting the absolute bare minimum in for my own sanity's sake#and i SOMEHOW keep pulling through. literally failed two modules last year and STILL got a 2:1 average#and the last essay i wrote was the worst essay id ever done in my life and i get my standards are higher bc ik im good at essays#but the point still stands and you know what? i got a FIRST#literally was pure waffle i have never blagged it so hard and i got a FIRST#and all this shit just makes me cockier and cockier and go even more by the skin of my teeth and it ALWAYS WORKS OUT#it's soooo silly but im not complaining. anyway ill keep u posted about this essay <3 it's econ history so is actually interesting#but the most ive done for it is ask the sc ai lmao and for context degree-level essays usually require a good few days of graft#live love laziness#hella goes to uni
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band au eva and skuggy is a crack dynamic i think about more than i should
#eva is a uni student who thinks he has this shit figured out until he meets skuggy and decides#this is the guy hes going to prop up to idealism. this guy sucks so hard hes a loser yet hes more chill than i am.#i must be doing something wrong if this asshole is enjoying life more than me. what do you MEAN we both have anxiety.#he buys weed from him one time (shaking pupils dilated 'oh my god im going to hell im in so nuch trouvle' and he overpaid lol) and#had ONE bad trip and this guy gave him like 3 sentences of advice on how to get over it and now he's stuck with him#eva trauma dumps on him and skuggy really is about to block him but he thinks whatevers wrong with him is more entertaining#doesnt want him dead doesnt want him fucking off because hes gonna get so robbed and used. guess he'll just pay for my groceries#digital#ocs#eva#skuggy#doodles#idk theyre funny to me. i need to spin them in my head#i think about them all hanging out in band au a lot but never rlly have art ideas for them. julian n buggy r friends#band au#julian#forgit he was there
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A little less 🎌 aesthetic 🎌 today but it's going (watch my inflated ego be steadily reduced to shreds by quite elementary maths revision). I do hate these days where despite the sense of looming deadline crisis I fail to achieve anything meaningful until mid afternoon, but there's no point looking back in regret when I have all the hours between now and midnight still to play for.
#studyblr#uni life#study hard#student life#studyspo#maths#Thank god I get to go to Saizeriya for late lunch now
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i fear i am experiencing university fomo and nostalgia whilst literally still in university
#the aesthetics of student life go hard your honour#i'm actually having an alright day. i am sipping a coffee at the uni's most aesthetically pleasing library. and i wrote a lot for my thesis#it's just#intensely fucking frustrating that i know i will have insurmountable degrees of uni FOMO the second i graduate even though right this secon#i resent all the time i have to sink into my b.a. thesis. and i can think of 20 things i'd rather be doing!#and yet i know i will be absurdly nosalgic for it AND YET i am not even enjoying myself RIGHT NOW!#but also i feel i did not really get to live the Full Uni Experience thanks to all the fucking covid and all the FUCKING adhd#thank fuck i am probably gonna do at least one or two other degrees lmao.#BUT FIRST we are gonna get that diagnosis my guys!!!!!!!!
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#the more i stay around people the more i want to become like them out of spite#because i was so surprised these people are at least 24-26 years age some even did a minor bachelor's before coming here#some have completed post grad and then joined#like aren't you all too fucking old to act that immature#i grew so resentful of everyone how they keep on doing the worst low man shit and then victimize themselves#hypocrites full of shit they don't want to hear the truth#i know no one has the audacity to take a fight with me on here because they know im the youngest here#not because im the youngest but because im better#the girls frown upon me because i don't hear their low mindset humorless jokes and pointo out where they fall short#oh [my irl name] youre so stiff hamesha kami kyun nikalti rahti ho hamesha baat kaatne ki aadat hai learn to take a joke#mazaak hi to kar rahe hain kya yaar#ive cried so many times because i feel suffocated here and out of hate i want to act immature selfish hypocrite too so i do#i become self centered and look into my needs#but everyday bcg shows me how one stays firm in mindset even amidst surrounding of shit people#he points out to me all the time when i start acting like them he says why aren't you trying to rise above#i say ham bhi karte hai na unn chutiyon jaisa behave kyunki unhe unhi ki language mei samajh aata hai#achha ban kar honest banne se kuch nahi milta yaha#but he knows his stuff#he never does these things#however much i let evil thoughts take upon i get astounded everyday how he's practicing his rightful his honesty even tho no one's looking#it makes me want to cry#i hope he gets so ahead in life i hope he stands at the podium one day on a stage and deliver speeches where people actually can see him#like he sees the orator that come to attend our unis gatherings and says everytime kuch to baat hoti hai inn logon mei#i hope he achieves whatever he wants i hope he gets ahead of everyone all this fucking corruption#its not that he's done anything that im applauding he tries his best#and maybe teachers see that too all in class they're only looking at him and teaching they know#do you know how fucking hard it is not get corrupted in this uni and become one of those assholes that have done things unimaginable#im inspired everyday ill try my best to be like him#i do not just want to praise him i want to become someone he doesn't have to say fir tum bhi vahi karogi to kya farq reh jaayega#kuch bada nahi hota logon ki roz roz ki choti choti aadaton se pata chal jaata hai vo kaise hain
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#not snz#more musings 📝 / mini vent:#not sure why my social battery is so limited 😭 and also so inconsistent#i feel like i can't sustain the amount of... like continued/consistent enthusiasm i see others giving esp in group settings#i just don't know how to engage in that way without burning out#over the past few weeks i've been stuck in like#a strange state where i can't muster the energy to properly respond to even the people i'm most excited to reply to#which is strange??#(and if that is you i am sorry 😭 i love you and i will get back to you)#i think i can't even like manage to get myself into the mindset of enjoying something for myself (eg. a conversation with a friend)#i think a part of it is the stress from work leeching into my personal life#i feel like i've been working so hard and for such long hours but its the kind of work where the progress i've made is very hard to track??#:( i just want to be off of ******* work so i can work on ******* work again#i also want to get ahead enough on everything in my life so that i write y+v D:#i feel like i haven't had a properly restful day in weeks... even over the weekend i was busy attending to others' needs#i just want a break from it all... but i dont have enough time to take off... but i dont know how much more of this i can take#i remember also feeling during uni like i was drowning#like there were simply not enough hours in a day to deliver everything i promised. it's such an awful feeling#i just feel defeated. like i've felt exhausted for weeks and weeks on end and like i spend every waking hour working on something or other#but ofc there is nothing to do but to keep at it 😭 other people can handle all of this and more#there are so many people i refuse to let down
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i think there is just something fundamentally wrong with my brain that makes it and school not mix
#julia.txt#like i am TRYING. i am trying really hard all the time#and its not that i dont understand or im not good at memorization bscause i AM#it just. i dont know? it doesnt work#i love what im learning i love Being At Uni#i just ???? ????????? ???????????#ever since my last year of high school ive been saying THIS is the semester where i do well and it just. Never Is#i am so tired guys. im so tired. im so tired im so tired#i am so tired of spending hours memorizing having 0 social life because i just cant afford to#because it just takes me That Much Time to get through the material#and then i get to the exam and it just Doesnt Work#i am Trying to not be pessemistic about it but its REALLY HARD when it just Never Works#honestly this is The Area where my faith falters because i have been praying so hard forever and . well. nothing changes#i dont know what im doing wrong !!! i dont !!!!#anyways. enough complaining out of me im going to go work on my lab report. i guess.#sorry i have been A Downer these past few days lol
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guys ngl. i am at my limit
#i hate feeling like im stupid because i cant do online class for the third year in a row#and im not even in college or uni so it doesnt feel like im actually getting anywhere or doing something that matters#its just the same fucking thing every day and it has been for years#and there arent even little things that make it okay there is quite literally nothing good in my life rn and there hasnt been for months#i cant even go to school in the fall no matter if i get in or not and because of that im so unmotivated and tired#im trying really hard to stay positive but its hard when you have no one in your life#love my online friends obvi but its not what i need rn i need people i get along with and can be myself around in person#but im trapped here#and theres nothing i can do about it#and sorry for the personal rant but i feel like shit
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21.02.2024
OCE exam day
It was the longest yet hardest exam I ever passed during this year :") I'm not gonna cry about, I didn't cry about it, not at all ;_;
#study blog#student#dentistrystudent#studyblr#dentistry#productive#100 days of getting up early#dentist#studzblr#productive day#100 days of studying#uniblr#university student#uni life#university#work has been kicking my ass#work life#work hard#studies#stress#studying#studyspiration
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i need to do something for my project to show my supervisor tomorrow and it has to look like two weeks worth of work from a capable and well-adjusted person who has potential to get a good grade in this tough degree that requires commitment and decent time management. skipped my lectures and also a pub quiz to do that but guess what i haven't even started
#it's 2:30pm something is seriously wrong with me#i can't deal with this i need intervention and someone to tell me every single thing i need to do at every point of every day#idk what's gone wrong - it's going downhill quite rapidly now#i get rare moments of motivation#like last night where i caught up on a lecture and sorted out some other important life stuff#but then i didn't sleep until 4am#turned off my alarm because it was set for 7am#didn't wake up until 1pm.#i'm so sick of it why is it this hard to get enough sleep and then wake up at a decent time#in 3rd year of uni i should be good at this#it's been so long and if i don't become capable of doing that now then how am i going to survive elsewhere#when i don't have the choice to skip lectures and stay asleep#which is detrimental in itself because i want so badly to sit with the people i know and do at least a little bit of social interaction#:///#my main is back to being a rant blog it seems
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