#sorry i have been A Downer these past few days lol | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

alpacaparkaseok · 4 years ago

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Where you should be

Chapter 3: Nemesism

Genre: Hobi x oc

Warnings: this series contains stalking, blackmail, and similar stressful/fear inducing situations. Also unrequited love, which is perhaps the most terrifying of all.

Word Count: 3.8k

Guys! Last chapter was a bit of a downer lol. I wish I could say that all of this gets resolved quickly and easily, but that’s no fun. So enjoy!

Nemesism (n.) frustration or anger directed against oneself

The next morning I hardly see Hobi. He eats early, making me a smoothie and leaving it on the counter with my name.

Well, with a sticky note that says ‘Sunny’.

I can hear his music blasting from his room where he’s getting ready, it’s loud enough that he doesn't hear my loud breathing as I close my eyes and try to focus on just getting through this morning.

When it’s time for us to leave Hobi walks out into the living room to find me standing awkwardly before the window, staring out of it like I just might flee the scene before he can see me.

“Do-yun sent a car for you, it should be outside.”

They’re the first words he says to me all morning, and they have me turning around from where I stand before the window, the meaning behind his words enough to rake through my already shredded heart.

“Hobi-”

Just as I begin to speak he turns away, starting to walk from the room. A heartbeat later finds me striding toward him, throwing caution to the wind.

“Jung Hoseok, don’t you dare do this to me. Don’t you dare,” I jump in front of him, putting a stop to his escape. He keeps his eyes trained on the hallway beyond. “You’re going to start being all weird and distant, and I can’t...I can’t-”

My voice breaks a little until I’m suddenly drowning in tears. I’m just as shocked as Hobi is, and I bring my hands up to my face, trying to stop the flow.

“I- Ha-rin, I didn’t mean to-”

My face is burning with embarrassment as I realize that I have no right to be bawling like a baby in front of the man that just confessed his love to me last night. He has every right to be distant and angry, yet here I am sobbing before him.

But I want him.

I want him so bad. And he’s standing less than a foot away, that sad expression swimming in his eyes as he brings me into his arms, his cheek resting atop my head.

Don’t ever let me go.

“We’re a mess, aren’t we?” Hobi mumbles.

I laugh through the tears, melting into his embrace as Hobi laughs along. How can we still be laughing even after we’ve put our hearts through so much pain?

Standing there with my face pressed up against his shoulder, crying and laughing at the same time, the realization of my feelings for him hit me hard and fast. Sure, the foundation has been laid for a while now, but standing here with my heart in pieces and completely unable to pick up Hoseok’s shattered heart, I know what I feel.

There’s a difference between wanting someone and loving someone.

If I just wanted Hoseok, I would have bailed out on any sort of integrity I have left and told him right then and there that I was an idiot. That I couldn’t stand not being around him. That I want to be his, and I want him to be mine.

Yet, I love him.

Which is exactly what has me extracting myself from his arms, apologizing, and heading straight out the door.

I only allow myself to look back once as I close the door, clutching my things in my arms. There he stands, still facing the hallway. Clinging to his sweatshirt in his fists as though it’s the only thing keeping him on the earth.

Sitting in the back of the black SUV, I wonder how I can feel such different emotions at once. There’s peace knowing I did what I had to do.

And there’s loneliness, cursing my name for throwing away what was sure to be a cure.

♟

June 2019

“That sounds great,” I say into the mic. “Come out here and listen to it, then we’ll go from there.”

Soobin, Hueningkai, and Beomgyu exit the recording booth and head into the studio. They crowd around me, leaning in to listen to the latest version of the song.

We’ve been in here for about an hour now, going over a rough version of a new song for them. It’s been nice to have them around, I’m usually pretty alone in my studio. Other than the occasional visit from Dohyeong or Pdogg, I tend to have my space.

Space is...good.

We’ve just started listening to the recording when there’s a knock on my door. Swiveling around in my chair, I grin as I see who the visitor is.

“Well well,” I muse. “Look who decided to drop in.”

Dohyeong smiles back at me, saying hello to the other boys. “How’s it going?”

I shrug. “Good. We’re just working on some stuff. What’s up?”

“I was actually coming to steal you away for a bit. I need a second opinion on something. Unless you’re busy…?”

Glancing at the other boys, they wave me away. “Will it take long?”

“No, not too long.”

Getting up from my seat, I laugh as Hueningkai immediately takes the vacant seat. “Take your time,” he croons, enjoying the seat of power. The other two boys instantly start bickering over the chair, making me roll my eyes endearingly at them.

“I’ll be back soon. Don’t delete anything.”

I follow Dohyeong out the door, taking the stairs as we head up to the next floor where his studio is.

“So how’s it been going?”

Dohyeong is one of the only people I ever really see around the Bighit building these days. Other than TXT and a handful of other producers, it’s a ghost town on my floor of the building.

I guess I never noticed how little traffic there was on my floor before. I always had one visitor popping in.

Ever since February, Hoseok has been scarce. While he didn’t seem to be angry anymore, he certainly hasn’t gone out of his way to seek me out. I can’t say I blame him.

It’s made it a little easier, I think. Not seeing him everywhere I go has allowed me to buckle down and get to work without feeling sorry for myself.

“It’s been good. Pretty steady. What are you working on that you wanted me to look at?”

We’re just entering his studio as I finish my question, and I nearly fall flat on my face as we walk through the door.

It would appear that Dohyeong was not working alone. In fact, the entire rapline is here with Pdogg.

Namjoon paces back and forth on one side of the room, hardly even noticing my presence when I walk through the door. Yoongi sits in a chair beside Pdogg, chatting with him about the track.

Hoseok sits on the sofa in the back of the room, his elbows on his knees as he stares forward, lost in thought.

His hair is black now, so different from those honey-brown highlights I swooned over a few months ago. Now he looks much sharper, like a force to be reckoned with.

He looks dangerous.

“Really Dohyeong?” I try to keep my tone light as everyone in the room turns to look at me. “Second opinion?”

Dohyeong shrugs, moving to sit before his computer. “If I told you I needed your opinion, you would’ve told me to ask Pdogg or something.”

Pdogg chuckles, nodding along knowingly. “Nice to see you, Sunny. You never come around anymore. Too cool for us now?”

It takes every fiber of my being for me to not look at Hoseok.

“Just been busy,” I mumble, coming to stand beside Dohyeong’s chair. “How’ve you been?”

Pdogg shrugs. “Same old same old.”

Namjoon strides forward, never one to get bogged down with awkward small talk. Not when there’s work to be done. “Hey, Sunny. Would you mind listening to this for us? I think we’ve all been listening to it for so long that we can’t get a fresh perspective on it.”

I nod, settling down into the chair beside Dohyeong and slipping a pair of headphones on. “Anything I need to know going into it?”

Yoongi chuckles from behind me, causing me to turn about in my chair. In the process, I can’t help but peek over at Hoseok.

He’s looking right at me already, every bit of his attention honed in on me. My eyes graze his, and the momentary eye contact leaves me sparking with electricity.

“Well, Hoseok wrote most of this, so it’s his fault if it sucks.” Yoongi smirks at his friend, earning himself a glare in return.

I force myself to laugh along with everyone else, wincing internally as Hoseok leans back against the sofa and crosses his ankle over his knee.

Has he somehow become better looking over the past few months?

“Good to know,” I mumble, turning back to the screen. Dohyeong nods at me, starting the track.

From the corner of my eye I can see that everyone else has gone back to pacing or chatting, so I take the time to lean back against my chair and close my eyes, really taking it in.

I can definitely tell that Hoseok inspired a lot of this track, it sounds like him. RM starts it off, his voice gruff as he delivers the lyrics, painting a picture in the way that only he can.

Suga joins in on the chorus, and I frown. His voice is nearly drowned out from the heavy drums in the background. I make a mental note to tell them as much.

It’s not until the bridge that J-hope makes an appearance.

My heart begins to pound in my chest, and my eyes fly open as I stare at the monitor. I watch the small numbers counting down until the end of the song, begging them to pick up the pace. Hoseok’s voice lodges itself into my mind, and for a moment the words end it before it can begin are replaced by the phrase he keeps spitting out again and again.

You moved on before I could move you.

You moved on before I had a chance to move-

My knee hits the bottom of the desk as I rip the headphones off my head, tossing them onto the desk before launching out of my chair. Everyone freezes where they sit, looking at me with various levels of confusion.

Hoseok is the only one in the entire room that has yet to react to my sudden actions. He keeps his eyes down, picking at something on his sleeve. His chest doesn’t move as he refuses to breathe.

“Drums are too loud in the chorus, Yoongi.” I bite out the words, ripping my attention away from Hoseok. “They’re drowning out your voice.”

Yoongi nods slowly, his mouth hanging open as he stares at me. “Ok.”

Namjoon steps forward, hands outstretched as though trying to grasp the situation. “You didn’t even finish the song, though. Isn’t there anything else?”

I’ve already taken several steps toward the door, Hoseok’s voice ringing through my mind unceasingly. Turning to shake my head at Namjoon, I feel as though somebody set me on fire. “No. Sounds great. Sorry,” I lie, I really couldn’t care less. I have to get out of here. “I’ve got to go check on the boys.”

The door gives way and I’m out into the hallway, striding toward the elevator like my life depends on it. I decide against it once I get there, heading into the stairwell beside the elevator and making it down a total of five steps before I collapse and sit with my head between my legs.

You moved on before I could move you.

The walls are caving in on me as I sit in the stairwell, and I close my eyes tight against them. Eventually it becomes too much to handle, and I find myself launching up and climbing up the stairs.

I’m not completely sure how tall the Bighit building is, but it’s definitely tall enough that I’m a panting, sweaty mess by the time I clear the final floor. Staring at the door, I push through it and find myself in an empty hallway.

The sound of music coming from what I assume are training rooms at the end of the hallway meet my ears, and as though in a trance I gravitate toward the sound.

The music gets louder and louder as I approach the room. The door is closed, so whoever is inside must be blasting it. Leaning up against the wall just outside the room, I close my eyes for just a moment.

The bass vibrates through the floor, accompanied by the persistent music that seems to know just how horrible I’m feeling inside.

For the first time in my life, I understand why people say that there’s only a thin line between love and hate.

Standing here with my back pressed against the wall, I feel so much hate. It’s overwhelming, overtaking my senses as I clench my fingers into fists. If my eyes were open, I’m sure I would be seeing red.

Instead, I’m picturing my contract in my mind. The music swells as I picture signing that contract over and over again, laughing at the thought of ever getting to know any idols past a purely professional level.

There’s so much anger in me as I think over the past few months, remembering all those hours spent alone in the studio. Staring at my monitor, the same scene from Hoseok’s apartment playing over and over again in my mind as I try to pretend like nothing happened. The way I held my breath every time I heard footsteps coming down my hallway, some pathetic piece of my praying that it would be Hobi, coming with a bag of food and a sheepish smile, telling me that being friends was enough for him.

I should know better by now; I live in a world where Hoseok is a stranger to me now and I’m back to taking the bus.

Still, in those slower hours in the studio I find myself wondering what it would be like if I could tell him that I do love him. I love him still, four months later. That all of this was some horrible rule I had to follow in order to save us both.

But even in this world how could I look him in the eyes that once gazed at me so softly and tell him that he’ll move on? That he’ll find someone that is free to love him?

Hate is an addicting feeling, I realize. Hate is so much safer than love. Love requires you to make the right decision, even if it means you’ll come out lacking.

The music stopped.

My eyes open to find myself almost in another world. The hallway hasn’t changed at all, but the absence of the booming music almost makes it easier to breathe. Suddenly I’m no longer drowning in my feelings, but rather observing them.

The sound of someone nearly hyperventilating has me pushing off the wall, rushing over to the closed training room and throwing it open before another thought can cross my mind.

Even though the door flying open should have alerted the occupant to my presence, they don’t notice me as I stand in the doorway.

Hoseok sits with his back against the far wall, his knees pulled up to his chest as he runs his hands through his hair and over his face. He’s still wearing the same clothes as he was less than fifteen minutes ago in the studio downstairs, but it’s clear he was just working out in them. Most likely dancing, if I’m going to make a guess.

How did he get up here so fast?

Frozen in the doorway, I go over my options. They’re quite simple, seeing as there’s really only two.

First, turn and leave. Run away before he sees me. It’s tempting, especially because it already looks like I’m invading his privacy.

And second.... “The song wasn’t that bad.”

Hoseok’s head shoots up so fast that I’m afraid he hit it against the wall. His eyes are wide and he looks quite frankly exhausted. I wince at the look he gives me.

“What...” his voice is raw and I wonder how it got like that. He shakes his head, looking down at the floor.

I take one step forward, then one step back. Hoseok’s eyes shutter as he watches my uncertainty, but he makes no move to say anything else.

So tired.

He looks so drained. Like someone took a giant spoon and ladled out all of his leftover emotions, leaving him a drained well that is just waiting for another rain.

Suddenly the thought of me hiding in my studio and replaying this entire awkward experience in my head seems more horrible to me than talking to Hoseok, so I take another step inside the room. His eyes never leave the floor.

“Is everything...” I shake my head, trying to gain some courage. Did my heart always beat this hard around him before? “Is everything alright?”

Hoseok chews on the inside of his cheek as he ponders my stupid question. Then, almost as if changing clothes, his expression changes. Brightens, almost.

I can still see the dark storm clouds hovering over his head, though. No matter how brightly he smiles at me now, those rain clouds aren’t far behind.

“Fine.” He brushes his hair away from his face, reverting back to the meticulous Hoseok I know. “Did you see...?”

I frantically shake my head, earning a look of profound relief on Hoseok’s part. “No! No, I was just-” I pause, not entirely sure of what to say. Running from my undying love for you and the hate of what we’ve become doesn’t seem very appropriate.

Hoseok raises his brows, rising to his feet but remaining on the opposite side of the room. “Just what?”

“Just...going for a walk.”

“A walk?”

“Yep.”

I cringe as Hoseok takes a long look at me before turning away and heading toward the speaker system in the corner. “Do you have a tendency to take walks to the top floor?”

Is that worry I’m sensing? I realize with a start that perhaps Hoseok spends a lot of time up here, and I think that the lack of visitors on this floor might have something to do with that.

“...no.” Watching Hoseok’s back, which remains visibly tense, I take a step backward. “I should probably get going.”

He nods once. “Ok.”

“I…” Why can’t I form a proper sentence around this man? “Sorry. Bye.” Turning on my heel, I stride out of the room as quickly as possible, keeping my eyes ahead of me as my heart nearly pounds out of my chest. Throwing the door to the stairwell open, I don’t stop moving until I’ve returned to my studio.

Beomgyu jumps out of my chair when he sees me come in, his smug victory smile wiped off his face.

“Is everything alright?”

Well isn’t that the question of the day. “Yep. Did you guys listen to the track?”

Soobin steps up. “Yeah, it sounds great. We were just going to pass it along-”

“Perfect. I’ll export it to your project manager right now.”

In my peripheral I can see the three boys exchanging glances, but I pay them no mind. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll be mortified and apologize, but right now I would really like for them to leave.

They shuffle out, mumbling their farewells. Hueningkai turns around at the last moment. “Do you want me to leave the door open or close it?”

Swiveling in my chair, wave him off. “Closed, please.” He does just as I ask, and suddenly I’m alone in the studio listening to their retreating footsteps.

Closing my eyes, I gather the strength to get up and lock the door. Something tells me that I won’t want to be interrupted for a while.

I’ve just risen from my chair when an envelope slides under my door, making my breath catch in my throat. Hurried footsteps rush down the hallway, but I don’t bother to open the door to see who it is.

Picking up the envelope from off the floor, I frown when it isn’t labeled. It’s simply a white, blank envelope. Ripping it open, I unfold a piece of notebook paper.

I know who you are, but do you know who I am?

Bighit can’t save you now, Jung Ha-rin.

Instantly my heart rate kicks up as I read those words over and over again. Rushing to my door, I pull it open to see who left this horrible note only to find the hallway empty. Standing there in the middle of the corridor, I fight the urge to rip the note to shreds and cry in a corner.

The sound of me barging back into my studio and slamming the door shut reverberates throughout the entire floor, but the sound of my heart pounding drowns out the noise. I hold the note back up to my eyes, practically panting as I read it again.

“What is happening?” I whisper.

♟

When I leave later that night, I still have no idea what’s going on. I leave earlier than usual, although it’s still dark. Mentally cursing myself, I decide to just hope for the best. With my luck today, I’ll be kidnapped or something before I can even make it to my apartment.

I sent a picture of the note to Bang PD along with a short explanation of what happened. He told me that he would review the security cameras to get a look at who it was that delivered the message, but advised me to catch a ride with someone rather than taking the bus.

So naturally I’m taking the bus.

Sulking at the bus stop while keep my eyes and ears open for any suspicious activity, I can’t help but laugh a little.

Today sucked.

Just as the bus pulls up, I feel my phone vibrate. Scrambling onto the bus and sitting in the first available seat, I pull my phone out and nearly choke when I see what message I just received.

I can’t help the sound that comes out of me upon seeing his message - it’s a mixture of a groan and a sharp intake of breath, resulting in a coughing fit. The people closest to me glare and scoot farther away but I don’t care.

Staring down at his message, I have to breathe slowly and deeply in order to stop myself. As much as all of this is a dream...the note I carry in my pocket reminds me of all that’s at stake here.

Bang PD’s words accompany the note, repeating themselves over and over again in my mind as I punch out a reply.

End it before it can begin.

Shoving my phone back into my pocket before I give into temptation, I jump off the bus as my apartment complex comes into view. Keeping my head down, I hurry up to my apartment.

As soon as I enter the apartment I’m rushing to my room, grabbing a box from under my bed and rummaging through it until I find what I’m searching for.

“There you are.” Holding up a staff photo from when I first started at Source entertainment, my eyes zone in on one of the male staff members on the far end.

Now just add a hood, a bit of scruff, and crazy eyes. What is my old co-worker doing hanging around my apartment complex? And if my hunch is correct, what was he doing in the Bighit building today?

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lostinthewinterwood · 4 years ago

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Worldbuilding Exchange 2021

Hey there friend!

Apparently you share some of my taste in obscure novels with gaps in their worldbuilding—impeccable, truly. I’ve got some expansion on all the tags I’ve requested below, though if you want to just get started feel free to ignore all that; some of them are distinctly longer than others, but don’t worry, just because I didn’t use as many words for any given prompt doesn’t mean I want it any less!

Anyway, thanks for writing for me! And if any of you lovely people are inclined towards treating, I will happily accept treats in any medium for any of the fandoms, including media I didn’t actually request there :D

General DNW

· non-con/dub-con;

· explicit sexual content;

· incest (incl. adoptive/chosen family);

· a/b/o;

· mpreg;

· non-canonical permanent major character death;

· complete downer endings;

· hurt no comfort;

· heavy angst;

· on-page deliberate self-harm*;

· on-page suicide;

· gore;

· graphic physical trauma;

· character bashing;

· cringe comedy;

· fic-as-writer-soapbox;

· setting AUs**;

· unrequested identity headcanons;

· romance as the main plot.

*I don’t include things like, say, punching a wall in a fit of emotion under this. However, something like cutting would not be appreciated.

**This doesn't mean that I'd expect you to hew very narrowly to what we know for sure in canon; after all, this exchange is for worldbuilding. However, for this exchange I'd prefer not to have anything that fundamentally alters the character of the world--eg elements like a/b/o, or things like a post-canon zombie apocalypse in a canon where that doesn't really fit in with the established tone/genre/world, that sort of thing.

General Likes

– I really like plotty fics

– A focus on family and/or friendship, especially characters realizing they’re not nearly as alone as they think they are, and just generally characters who like each other and enjoy spending time together

– Found family; families of choice

– Character studies

– Worldbuilding (obviously lol)

– Canon-divergence AUs and missing scenes; things set pre- or post-canon; wriggling into canon and poking at it to see what it spits back at you, if that description makes any sense at all.

- for a list of unconventional media/formats I’ve requested before, along with some commentary on them, please see my fic in a box letter.

Mother of Learning - nobody103 – in-universe meta

Any or No Characters (Mother of Learning)

Kirielle Kazinski (Mother of Learning)

Original Character(s) (Mother of Learning)

Original Eagle Shifter Character(s) (Mother of Learning)

Xvim Chao (Mother of Learning)

Zenomir Olgai (Mother of Learning)

fandom-specific dnw: romantic and/or sexual Zach/Zorian; physical parental abuse within the Kazinski family; significant exaggeration of canonical emotional neglect/abuse/general family dysfunction

WB: aranean languages (Mother of Learning)

So, we get at best a very vague description of the aranean language in canon; I’d love something that somehow expands on this! A brief grammar? Some other kind of profile? An attempt to turn their idea-morphemes into words, or outline what they are more explicitly? Up to you!

WB: Folklore and Literature (Mother of Learning)

Over the course of the story we learn plenty of things about the world and about their magic system; we learn a lot less about specific cultural things that aren’t directly relevant to the plot, and that includes folklore and literature—they have novels, we know that much, but that’s about it. So tell me more!

WB: how language and gesture and mana interact to form spells (Mother of Learning)

For all that the novel tells us about many different spells, we never really get to see the mechanics of spellcasting, or the underlying form of the mana—tell me how it works! And there’s also the fact that when you know the spell better you can cut parts out; how does that work in combination with all of this?

WB: Ikosian as spell language: how comprehension affects outcome (Mother of Learning)

Unless I’ve embarrassingly forgotten how canon actually goes, they use Ikosian (possibly a more specific dialect? I don’t remember, I’m sorry) for their incantations, but iirc they don’t speak that day to day, and even if they do not everyone does—so, you know, how does comprehension of the incantation affect the outcome of the spell?

WB: Oral Traditions (Mother of Learning)

If we don’t get much of literature, we get less of the oral traditions of… well, anywhere, tbh. So tell me more there! If you’re looking for something more specific, I’d love to hear about witch, Khusky, morlock, or shifter traditions, but really anything would be great.

WB: the development of unstructured magic and shaping exercises (Mother of Learning)

We know that way back in the past, human magic users were less adept with unstructured magic; now, if they want to be, they can be very good indeed with it. How did we get from Point A to Point B? How did that develop, who discovered all this?

WB: the Winter Mountains (Mother of Learning)

There’s very little to be heard about the Winter Mountains in canon; all we really know is that the eagle shifters flew off there, and the place is Very Dangerous. So… what are they like? How are the eagle shifters doing out there? What else lives there?

Mother of Learning - nobody103 – in-universe meta, fanart

Any or No Characters (Mother of Learning)

Kirielle Kazinski (Mother of Learning)

Original Character(s) (Mother of Learning)

Zenomir Olgai (Mother of Learning)

fandom-specific dnw: romantic and/or sexual Zach/Zorian; physical parental abuse within the Kazinski family; significant exaggeration of canonical emotional neglect/abuse/general family dysfunction

WB: Architecture (Mother of Learning)

We get a little bit of the architecture in Eldemar, mostly in Knyazov Dveri, but not too much of it; I’d like to see more of it, and from anywhere in their world really.

WB: Artistic Traditions (Mother of Learning)

If we only get a little bit of the architecture, we get less of the art—we know that they have carved doors and Kiri does pencil sketches, and realism is a style they have (or Zorian wouldn’t be thinking about how realistic her drawings were without any hint of that being unusual were she not nine) but what else can you tell me? What does their art look like; where do these traditions come from; is there some art that’s respectable and other art that isn’t?

WB: Clothing and Fashion (Mother of Learning)

Now. We get a bit of architecture, less of art, and approximately three lines in the whole 800k about clothing, and none of it very specific, so you’ve got pretty much total freedom here—show me what’s going on!

WB: how language and gesture and mana interact to form spells (Mother of Learning)

See above section—I just thought this would lend itself well to art as well as meta!

The Rhianna Chronicles - Dave Luckett – in-universe meta, fanfic

Antheus Northstar | Serenir (Rhianna Chronicles)

Any or No Characters (Rhianna Chronicles)

Arwenna Songsinger | Arwenna the Wise (Rhianna Chronicles)

Eriseth Arwensgrove (Rhianna Chronicles)

Original Character(s) (Rhianna Chronicles)

Original Male Eldra Character(s) (Rhianna Chronicles)

Rhianna Wildwood (Rhianna Chronicles)

Worldbuilding tags:

WB: academic magic and spellcasting techniques (Rhianna Chronicles)

We don’t see a whole lot of traditional spellcasting that actually works—mostly we see Rhianna’s attempts, which tend not to go all that well, lol. Other magic we see is primarily from people who know what they’re doing and aren’t explaining things in detail. Show me some that actually works! How is it different for schoolchildren and old archmages? What are the rules and mechanics—they don’t make sense to Rhianna, but clearly some things work and some things don’t, so there’s something going on there at least.

WB: Eldra magic (Rhianna Chronicles)

Since our main Eldra character is Eriseth, we don’t see much of their magic—tell me about it! How does it work? How do they channel it, what do they use it for?

WB: Eldra society (Rhianna Chronicles)

Again, we don’t see a lot of Eldra society—we see a few characters outside of their social group, and the one meeting thing, but not a whole lot of their day- to-day life. What’s it like? What’s the role of men in their society; we know they don’t do magic, so what do they do?

WB: Wild Talents and wild magic (Rhianna Chronicles)

To be fair, we do know a fair amount about how wild magic is worked from canon; I’m interested in going farther—go deeper into things! What can or can’t be done? Why are some people wild talents—how does this happen?

WB: Wizardly College (Rhianna Chronicles)

We only see Wizardly College through Rhianna’s eyes; she doesn’t get all that much of a look at it, either. So tell me more about it! What’s it like if you’re actually involved, not just a visitor?

The Farwalker's Quest - Joni Sensel – in-universe meta, fanfic

Any or No Characters (Farwalker's Quest)

Any Storian(s) (Farwalker's Quest)

Ariel Farwalker (Farwalker's Quest)

Ezekiel Stone-Singer (Farwalker's Quest)

Misha (Farwalker's Quest)

Original Character(s) (Farwalker's Quest)

Scarl Finder (Farwalker's Quest)

fandom-specific dnw: works that rely on knowledge of later books in order to make sense--i'm not gonna care all that much about spoilers? but i haven't read 'em, so.

WB: Essence and the Trades (Farwalker's Quest)

In some ways, Essence—or at least how it’s presented in relation to humans—seems kind of like an inborn specific magical talent, but in other ways it isn’t; Zeke’s tree talks to him, and then later the stones, but the tree talks to Ariel too, if only a little. Scarl was a Storian before he was a Finder; Ariel’s feet drag her where she needs to go, but she can also learn the basics of Finding and could have been a Healtouch if she’d not messed up the plants. So how closely are they tied together, Essence and the Trades? How much of an affinity do you need? How much can you make up for lack of affinity with desire and skill?

WB: Folklore and Fairytales (Farwalker's Quest)

We know a fair amount about the history of this world as people know it, but less about their folklore and fairytales—they have trees that talk and telling darts and Essence and ghosts, they definitely have folklore about those, or other things too. Do they tell children stories of what lies outside the village? Do they have spirits or Good People who may or may not actually exist? Who tells these stories—is this still a Storian’s job, or is it the purview of anyone who knows them? Did there used to be more, before the Forgetting?

WB: ghosts and how they work (Farwalker's Quest)

Misha’s dead, has clearly been dead for quite some time, and he can do a weird assortment of things—can other ghosts do them? He’s the only one we really see, so we don’t know if he’s special or not. And how common are ghosts anyway—how do they come to be? What’s up with them, overall?

WB: how Tree-Singer Abbey came to be (Farwalker's Quest)

Clearly, Tree-Singer Abbey is very old. If I had to guess, I would say it must have been made either before the Blind War or right after the sight came back—but most likely, given that it contains the Vault, it’s from before. But Essence, as far as the characters know, wasn’t discovered until afterwards; nor were the Trades. So who built this abbey, up there in the mountains, with all the trees? Why build it there in the way they did? Was it never widely known that it was also the Vault, or was that forgotten somewhere along the way?

WB: the nature of trees (Farwalker's Quest)

…so. What is up with the trees, anyway, and have they always been this way, or did the used to be normal trees? How sentient are they; how much can they move; what are they like, especially among each other? Zeke’s tree tries to catch him, so we know they can move on their own; is that typical? Can they do it whenever they want, or only under duress? ��Idk man, I just want to know more about the trees, y’know?

Star Split - Kathryn Lasky – in-universe meta, fanfic

Any or No Characters (Star Split)

Darci Murlowe (Star Split)

Lana | The Prima (Star Split)

Max Lasovetch (Star Split)

Original Character(s) (Star Split)

Original Umbula Character (Star Split)

Vivian (Star Split)

fandom-specific dnw--all of this is for the narrative level (not addressing it is fine; having characters who believe or do these things is fine): eugenics apologetics; segregation portrayed as good for society/the people living under it; infantilization of disabled characters; portrayal of low-prestige dialects as being "bad grammar" versions of higher-prestige dialects

fandom-specific note: the “setting AU” dnw is here amended to “surface-level setting AUs” and is expanded on as follows: This is a pretty loose dnw for this fandom, given that the canon leans very hard on the line between straight scifi and science fantasy; it acts like it's grounded future dystopia, speculative but not fantastic, but... well. Based on canon events, I can't fully consider it as such--so as long as you keep the surface elements more or less the same, no matter what the underlying justification for them is we'll be good. Is your explanation Aliens Did It? sweet, go for it. or anything else in that vein. this world is your oyster.

WB: "tears in the mind"/ancient word memories in masked chimeras (Star Split)

Okay. Okay. So. Most of this book’s worldbuilding is plausible, you know? If not real-world plausible, at least future scifi dystopia plausible, right? But. The word thing. There is no reasonable connection as far as I can see between the genetic condition of masked chimeras and having sudden, unexplained epiphanies about the meanings of words—since the relevant aspects of language are arbitrary, and Darci doesn’t have any particularly detailed knowledge of Modern English (being herself presumably a speaker of Future English, although I have to assume that Future English is surprisingly similar to Modern English given the time scale since the poetry fragments she’s reading don’t seem to have needed any translation for her to understand them, which would generally not be the case with Modern vs Old English—and that is the time scale we’re dealing with here—anyway, let’s move on), there’s no way for her to come up with this? So please, just, explain how all this works to me?

Really don’t feel you need to stay within the scifi world conventions here lol, especially since this element pretty much… doesn’t.

WB: disability in the Bio Union (Star Split)

We don’t see much of how disability works here—Darci doesn’t seem to consider herself disabled, and there’s no other character who could really be interpreted as such. Given how very eugenicist the Bio Union is, I have to wonder how they deal with disabilities they can’t engineer out of existence—tell me how it works!

WB: divergence/difference between Genhant and Original dialects and mannerisms (Star Split)

So we can see the effects of a long-term social separation here; the dialects used by Genhants and Originals seem fairly different. Darci observes that Originals’ grammar “might not be as good” but obviously that’s her perspective, being a kid who speaks the prestige dialect; the grammar within their dialect would be no better or worse than Genhant grammar in their speech. And the Original dialect seems to also include more specific nonverbal communication; if they’re talking less, but (presumably) communicating similar amounts, then they must either be able to convey more information in the same amount of time through their speech, or their dialect includes informal signed elements—Vivian doesn’t seem to parse it as such, but although Darci observes less dialogue from the Original kids, Vivian’s conversations with her uncle aren’t presented any differently than Darci’s conversations with other Genhants. A tragically unused opportunity, in my opinion.

Show me how these two dialects differ, in more specific ways, rather than just telling me they do! Tell me about potential miscommunications! Is there a lack of documentation of the Originals’ dialect due to its low status? How does this affect scholarship on it? Are the hand gestures elements of the language in some way, or are they nonlinguistic?

WB: growing up as a Laureate's umbula (Star Split)

So… how does this work? They try to replicate the childhood as closely as possible, but obviously it can’t be perfectly done. Do the kids grow up knowing they’re clones, that they’re meant to be Important Person The Second, Just The Same, or is that hidden from them? What happens if a Laureate’s umbula decides they don’t want to follow in their predecessor’s footsteps; what if they want to forge their own path in life? Is that allowed? No one forced the Laureate into being what they became, after all.

WB: growing up as an Original (Star Split)

Things that are not entirely clear in this book include the answer to the question of how much of the high degree of segregation we see is socially and economically enforced, and how much of it is legally enforced. This is interesting—clearly, the original divergence was economic, with the wealthy being able to afford genetic enhancements and the poor not being able to afford them; however, it strikes me as slightly unrealistic that there would be no Originals in Genhant schools or at non-scholarship Genhant summer camps, etc, if there was no segregation on a legal level. Of course it would be more difficult for Originals to become wealthy enough to afford these, but the fact that none of them seem to have reached that level is very revealing; that tells me there’s far less social mobility than we have in our modern society (which isn’t very mobile, much as we may like to think otherwise) or there’s legal discrimination and segregation keeping things this way or both.

…and with all that being said, I’d love to hear something about what it’s like to grow up in the underclass of this society. We see most things from Darci’s point of view, and she, being a thirteen-year-old who’s basically comfortable in her own life, doesn’t really see that much. What’s it like, being raised as an Original? What sort of expectations do Original parents and schools have for their children? What sorts of jobs do they typically do? Do they go to university? Can they go to university? Are there summer camps for them, or do they only get to do things like that on scholarships? What’s it like, being the Scholarship Kid due not only to your family’s finances but also your very genetics? How does that change your dynamic with your other Original friends, when you got a scholarship and they didn’t—what do they think about that? I’d assume they have less obsession with Genetic Predetermination, since they don’t get a map of their probable life at conception… how does that work, in this society that runs on genetic predetermination for so many things?

#exchange letters #worldbuilding exchange #requested: mother of learning #requested: the rhianna chronicles #requested: the farwalker's quest #requested: star split #requested: art #requested: fic

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thatbassistbitch · 4 years ago

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How you doing? Haven't seen you on much the past few days, though I assume it's the napping lol

i’m uh...really fucking sleepy. my adhd medicine gave me that really fucking rough anxiety attack that honestly still hasn’t fully gone away, and the medicine i took to combat it really takes a lot out of me too. yknow the whole uh, taking the upper and then taking the downer to come back out of it? yeah it’s exhausting haha...i’m sorry i haven’t been on much lately, things are just rough right now...not to mention the side effects from the flu shot i got, ugh. i always have such a bad reaction to them. fuck, last year my breathing got fucked up for 2-3 months, though to be fair idk for certain if it’s related cuz correlation≠causation and all that but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i love you starshine! thank you for checking in on me!

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purplesurveys · 4 years ago

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961

What was the most unsettling film you’ve seen? Unsettling films are my jam, man. To name a few, there’s Eraserhead, Room, Midsommar, Eyes Wide Shut, Misery, and most recently, I’m Thinking of Ending Things. Eraserhead takes the cake though. That movie always makes me queasy...

What unethical experiment would have the biggest positive impact on society as a whole? I’m a firm believer in nothing good ever comes out of unethical practices. I’ll never forget reading about an experiment where a group of newborn babies were given basic needs like food and being bathed, but weren’t shown any affection whatsoever and it was meant to see if humans can survive with just the most basic physiological needs. By the end of the experiment period half of the babies were dead. The results were honestly a lot bleaker than how I’ve put it, but I don’t wanna be a downer lol. Suffice it to say that experiment haunted me for days after reading it.

When was the last time you were snooping, and found something you wish you hadn’t? It was around a week or so ago, I’m pretty sure.

Which celebrity or band has the worst fan base? My sister is into K-pop and I hear insights from her all the time, but her one constant is that BTS breeds the most annoying, toxic fans. I’d have to agree. Ariana Grande’s fandom was also annoying at one point, but I haven’t heard much from them making a mess these days.

What are you interested in that most people aren’t? Autobiographies.

If you were given a PhD degree, but had no more knowledge of the subject of the degree besides what you have now, what degree would you want to be given to you? Why would I deserve a PhD on something I’m clearly not qualified for...I’m not sure I’m following this question right, but I don’t feel like thinking too hard about it.

What smartphone feature would you actually be excited for a company to implement? I’m happy with the features that are widespread now, but I wish companies adhere more to countries other than the common ones like US, UK, Australia, etc. I always see ads about phones being able to tell you how much movie tickets cost or track boarding passes, but those are all irrelevant here. It makes a lot of Apple’s basic apps useless on this side of the world haha.

What’s something people don’t worry about but really should? Long-term effects of poor habits like not getting enough sleep or drinking too many cups of coffee. I know because I’m guilty of this.

What movie quotes do you use on a regular basis? “I won’t think about that now, I’ll think about it tomorrow,” but I usually say it to myself, especially when I feel stressed.

Do you think that children born today will have better or worse lives than their parents? Better, but idk if that’s just me being biased because my generation will be the next parents lol. I just think that a lot of Gen X parents still have a lot of dated prejudices and mindsets that my generation was able to learn better from. For example my mom doesn’t like using people’s preferred names, especially if they’ve transitioned -_____- and I know I’d never want to set such an example for my kids.

What’s the funniest joke you know by heart? I know I’ve come across hilarious ones but I always fail to come up with one when asked on the spot.

When was the last time you felt you had a new lease on life? LOL RIGHT NOW

What’s the funniest actual name you’ve heard of someone having? It’s more stupid than funny and I know I’ve already mentioned this before, but Covid Bryant as a first and second name still takes the cake for me. My sister went to school with a girl whose name is just her surname backwards, and for a time I was really weirded out by it. But in the times I’ve seen her she really owns her name and never looks bothered by it, so I quickly stopped caring.

Which charity or charitable cause is most deserving of money? For me it would have to be organizations for animal welfare.

What TV show character would it be the most fun to change places with for a week? Post-El Camino Jesse Pinkman. I wouldn’t want to live through his chaotic shit from Breaking Bad, but his fate after El Camino is something I’m super envious of.

What was cool when you were young but isn’t cool now? Flip phones, Blackberry phones, Roshes, Frappuccinos.

If you were moving to another country, but could only pack one carry-on sized bag, what would you pack? Phone, laptop, their chargers, important IDs, some of my favorite tops and jeans, underwear, essential toiletries, wallet, a family photo, a journal and pen, earphones, certain knickknacks to remember Gab and my dogs by. Minus the clothes, all of these are pretty tiny so I think these would all fit in the bag just fine.

What’s the most ironic thing you’ve seen happen? I don’t know. I’m not really a fan of rating the most/worst this and that stuff in my life, either. I feel like I unnecessarily rack my brain too hard for them when I take surveys to have a chill time.

If magic was real, what spell would you try to learn first? Probably something that’d keep my dogs from dying.

If you were a ghost and could possess people, what would you make them do? No thanks. I’d be the chillest ghost tbh, I’d like to just sneak up on people’s business and hang out but never interfere in them.

What goal do you think humanity is not focused enough on achieving? Climate change, global warming, alleviation of poverty. Corporations and the few people who actually have the power and money to change things only ever come up with short-term shit like donations and never look at the big picture. What problem are you currently grappling with? So many personal ones. But just like the recurring theme of my surveys so far, “I don’t want to get into it.”

What character in a movie could have been great, but the actor they cast didn’t fit the role? As much as I love Kristen Stewart, I heard she was cast as Princess Diana for an upcoming film and I’m not really feeling that decision. They could’ve gone with a British actress for starters?????? The movie is still in production but it is pretty annoying to think about lmao.

What game have you spent the most hours playing? Probably GTA: San Andreas as a kid.

What’s the most comfortable bed or chair you’ve ever been in? Luxury hotel beds are always so fluffy and comfortable.

What’s the craziest conversation you’ve overheard? Omg one time at a coffee shop Gabie and I sat beside this older couple that obviously was going through some heavy SHIT. There was a lot of animosity and tension between them and I caught the lady silently break into tears a few times. I never overheard anything but then again they sat in silence for hours until the lady finally walked out on him. Never knew what it was about but I’ve always guessed that the man did something crappy, like cheat, and was discovered. It was a really sad sight and a crazy situation to witness and I think I felt even more sorry because they were obviously in their 50s or 60s. I hope the woman is in a better place now as she looked rough as fuck that evening.

What’s the hardest you’ve ever worked? I wore a lot of hats when I was in my college org, and that was on top of balancing my acads as well.

What movie, picture, or video always makes you laugh no matter how often you watch it? That scene from Friends where Ross plays the keyboard for Chandler, Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel.

What artist or band do you always recommend when someone asks for a music recommendation? It depends on what music they’re into and if I have actually have a recommendation in mind for them. I obviously can’t suggest Paramore to someone who mainly listens to metal.

If you could have an all-expenses paid trip to see any famous world monument, which monument would you choose? I’m down for any monuments that are super ancient like Stonehenge or the Pyramids of Giza.

If animals could talk, which animal would be the most annoying? I’d go with frogs, but only because they get annoyingly loud in the evening.

What’s the most addicted to a game you’ve ever been? Playing The Sims, Mario Kart, Rock Band, or games in the Burnout franchise.

What’s the coldest you’ve ever been? Japan was so fucking cold when I was there. Didn’t do my research and ended up being dressed poorly, and I was so cold I could barely talk to my parents or fully enjoy my time. Sagada was also nearly unbearable in the early morning.

Which protagonist from a book or movie would make the worst roommate? Not from a book or movie, but BoJack Horseman. Diane can also be in the running as I always found her too whiny. I get that she had her personal shit to deal with, but I don’t think living with her would be good for my own sanity and mental health.

Do you eat food that’s past its expiration date if it still smells and looks fine? It annoys my chef dad to death that I don’t lol. No matter how great it looks, I’d bounce. I once ate expired Kit Kats that tasted like cardboard and that scared me off of expired food forever.

What’s the most ridiculous thing you have bought? I once bought a stupid novelty soap that to this day I’ve never even opened. It’s in one of my drawers, and I plan to just throw it out at some point.

What’s the funniest comedy skit you’ve seen? Not a fan of these but one that got to me is Dear Sister from SNL.

What’s the most depressing meal you’ve eaten? A few years ago there was a local breakfast place that offered red velvet pancakes for a limited time and I was all over that crap, so I went and ordered. The actual pancakes ended up not being any bigger than my palm, and I remember not being able to hide my disappointment once the server placed the dish on my table haha. I felt so scammed. I had to order something else to feel full, because those pancakes were stupidly small.

What tips or tricks have you picked up from your job/jobs? One of my superiors, when she was presenting a pitch to our director yesterday, kept asking questions and picking at the director’s brain so that she can get suggestions and answers straight from the director herself and so that she didn’t have to do any brainstorming anymore. I thought that was a pretty nifty and clever hack.

What outdoor activity haven’t you tried, but would like to? Hiking a mountain!

What songs hit you with a wave of nostalgia every time you hear them? Umbrella by Rihanna feat. Jay-Z.

What’s the worst backhanded compliment you could give someone? Idk, anything can be the worst depending on the context. I’m not a fan of giving those, though.

What’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched? Unsolved Mysteries’ Dupont de Ligonnès episode was a lot of fun to watch.

What was the last song you sang along to? I think it was Thinking of You by Katy Perry? but I’m not entirely sure. I haven’t sung along to anything in a while.

What app can you not believe someone hasn’t made yet? I don’t really download and use a lot of apps other than the basic ones, so I don’t care too much.

When was the last time you face palmed? Last night.

If you were given five million dollars to open a small museum, what kind of museum would you create? I’d give it away to the Martial Law museum currently being made near my university so that it can do more to show the atrocities of the Marcoses. And so that I can piss off my pro-Marcos relatives.

Which of your vices or bad habits would be the hardest to give up? Uh hating myself, if that counts.

What really needs to be modernized? Public transportation systems in this country.

#survey #surveys

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paper-teeth · 4 years ago

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7.29.2020

Another day, another life update.

I think things are going okay, but not great. What a surprise. It seems like I only ever come to update here when I think things are going downhill. Sorry for being such a downer lol.

On the boy front, things have definitely settled down since my last posts and I’ve come to accept and move on from his past. It was difficult for a while, but I think things are better in some ways. I’ve opened up more about my discomfort with sex and sexual topics and he’s almost completely dropped the topic since. I’m not totally okay with him leaving the responsibility of sex just to me because I do think it’s something I need to work on. I can’t be afraid of sex or make him feel bad forever. I need to start slowly, but I appreciate that he cares.

I’m not sure how boys are, but they seem always needy and I just can’t keep up. I feel dirty when I try to keep up.

I’m such a people pleaser and I’m trying to change my mentality.

I feel like our communication was going really well for a few months into quarentine, but lately it’s been a little strained. It seems like we don’t say much to each other besides just “I miss you” and “what are you working on”. Things just seem shallow. WE don’t even have “ I had X thought about you” anymore since we don’t talk about sexy things. I don’t know what’s happening, are we just that boring?

I feel like one day I’m just going to crack and break things off because I’m just manipulative and paranoid he’ll lose interest in me. Maybe he’ll find some other girl who actually wants to fuck while I’m not there. I hate this thought, because he’s said to me he’d give up anything for me. There’s a part of me that just wants to get away but I don’t want to lose something so good. I feel too young to just stay here, and let this be the end.

On a second note, I’ve been going through a need to self-improve. This has taken the form of me picking up new hobbies like gardening (my sweet potato is growing nicely), alterations, zero-waste changes, decluttering, and baking. I’ve gained a lot of new skills and happiness during this quarantine. However, I can’t fail to mention my desire to finally get fit.

Physically, I know I look decent. I’m not super skinny at 5′7″ and 145 lbs, but it’s never changed much. I’ve been this weight since high school (with a small jump to 160 at one point) and I’ve never known any different. My stomach has never been flat, not even as a child, and my thighs have never been skinny. I guess my insecurities about my body have always been there, but they definitely started bugging me in middle school. I was surrounded by all these pretty white athletic skinny girls with long hair that I didn’t look like. Sure, they were my friends and I was never bullied, but no matter how nice or smart I was I would never be pretty and athletic on top of that.

In high school, I mostly forgot about my weight because I was surrounded by people of all sizes and I felt pretty good about myself. I’d had a few potential boy encounters which served as a confidence boost and I was generally too busy to care about what I ate. Dieting was not a thing to me. However, one comment really stuck to me: I was thick. My sort of boyfriend said that to me as a positive, trying to be a compliment, but it caught me off guard because I had never seen myself like that. I wanted to be skinny and pretty like every other girl and I tried so hard to convince him that I was NOT thick or thicc or any sort of curvy.

Later on in my freshman year of college I’d come to accept my body shape a little more, but I still didn’t consider myself very curvy. Then I started to get close to the toxic boy (not my current boyfriend, to clarify) I’ve mentioned previously. He’s super tall and built like a bean, so obviously I looked even curvier next to him. Among other things, one comment he made when he wrapped his arms around my waist was that I was “surprisingly thick”.

What. The. Fuck.

It was another person validating the same perception of me as big. I hated it and my body and especially coming from him. It made me want to crawl out of my skin and tear myself to pieces. I felt disgusting.

It took me another year to forget about the pain he caused and to start loving my body again, but that was mostly through parties, another boy, drama, and alcohol. I just wanted to be a drunk sexy girl at a party with a boy in the palm of her hand. If that meant showing off some curves than so be it. I think this is when my high-waisted bottoms phase really started to kick in and I embraced my curves. I’d also gained a few pounds after freshman year and was at my heaviest at 160 lbs. I felt and looked disgusting.

It wasn’t until later in the semester when I got busy working on projects in the wood shop that I started to lose weight from skipping meals. I wasn’t intentionally restricting, but I was busy and stressed and sweating 8 hours a day. I would eat just coffee, overnight oats, a banana, and some tuna and kale sandwiches if I was lucky. I was also running to grab a break menu Mcdonald’s meal if I hadn’t eaten anything all day to stop myself from starving. I really didn't notice how much weight I’d lost until people started commenting that I looked skinnier and my clothes looked better. I was about 150 lbs.

I lost another few pounds in the spring of 2019 from the same habits and actually squeezed into a pair of pants I hadn’t worn since middle school. I felt on top of the world at my skinniest around 145 lbs. I was unhealthy, tired, sleep-deprived,and stressed and food had honestly been an afterthought.

For a while, my boyfriend made me feel better about my curves and he said he loved them. Then he revealed that the first time he really noticed, he was surprised that I was thick.

He was surprised I had an ass when I bent down to grab papers. He loved being with a bigger girl, unlike his skinny girlfriends in the past.

Thaaaaaanks.

I’ve been feeling like such a fat girl since then ( with good and bad days) and when I say that I want to be skinny or lose weight, he just says that he likes me bigger which doesn’t help at all. There’s been enough people now commenting about it that I can’t brush it off or ignore it anymore. I’m big and I jiggle and clothes don’t always look good on me. I don’t fit into the category of “slim” I’m just thick.

I’ve been feeling so disgusting lately. My friend brought up that her doctor thinks she might have binge eating disorder and I’ve fallen right back into my obsession for ed social media. I hadn’t realized, but I’ve always found so much comfort in these hurtful posts since middle school when I first started looking into it. I’ve never done any of the restricting, but I always admired the pretty girls that were posted. Haha, maybe I’m just bisexual and not jealous.

I want to be skinny and fit and I saw a lot of progress after working out april through june. I don’t want to admit it, but I’m finding myself sucked further and further into the ed community and counting calories and needing to burn every carb I eat. I don’t want to be the thick girl anymore and the only thing I’ve never tackled have been my eating habits.

Am I on the right path? No. Does it hurt? yes. Am I going to do it? ...I’ll probably just fail at this too.

xoxo your local thicc girl

#tw #ed #rant #boy problems

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alpxcamin · 6 years ago

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Guardian Angel

Requested?: nope ^^

Words: ~9.7k

Group: Stray Kids

Member(s): Felix (feat. ‘00 line)

A/N: I don’t know why this is so long, but I really enjoyed writing this! Apologies for the random changes in tense btw...Also, I did a little research, but I’m not quite sure if everything is accurate and I apologize if they aren’t. Feel free to point out my mistakes! I’m pretty proud of this tho lol and I hope you guys enjoy it just as much as I did writing it~

Dancing has always been a passion of yours. Ever since you could stand up by yourself, you’ve always felt happiest when dancing. Whether it was just messing around, or preparing for a performance, you felt like you were on top of the world when dancing. Nothing could stop you. No one could get in your way of becoming a renowned dancer.

Your dreams were crushed and your life began flying downhill when you reached middle school. You began feeling lightheaded all the time, thinking it was because of the stress of switching schools, you dismissed it by resting a couple of days. Soon, the dizziness faded.

Then a few months later, you collapsed in the middle of dance practice. Waking up with an aching head and chest, you stare up at the hospital ceiling wondering what happened. The doctor told you to take it easy, so you did. Determination and ambition kept you going. This was just a minor incident, you’ll get better.

Soon enough, you were out of the hospital, happily prancing around again. With a bright smile on your face, you were determined to set your life back to how it was before. Luckily for you, your best friends Seungmin and Hyunjin were there to help you back on your feet.

Hyunjin, who you have known since your birth, was also a dancer and he was understanding and supportive. As for Seungmin, he stayed by your side and non-stopped encouraged you to continue dancing.

However, disaster struck in your last year of middle school. You had been feeling dizzy for a couple days prior to your big performance and you felt a constant tight squeeze in your chest the day of. Mid-performance, you vision darkened and before you knew it, you were out cold on the floor.

Feeling cold, you slowly blink your eyes open. You groan when you feel throbbing all over your body. Your eyes wander the room, vision still bleary, you spot a couple of familiar figures in the corner of the room. It was Hyunjin and Seungmin. A small smile graced its way onto your pale face.

“Y/n!” Seungmin gasps as soon as he sees your slight movement.

Your two best friends rushed to your side, worried expressions on their handsome faces. They told you everything that had happened, but you had stopped listening as soon as they told you that you had an arrhythmia. You didn’t even know what that was, but you knew it was probably some life-threatening disease that would not allow you to dance again. You were right.

Unknowingly, tears rolled down your face and you felt Seungmin and Hyunjin each grab a hand of yours. They were whispering comforting words, you knew they were, but you couldn’t hear them. You could feel their warm hands soothing you, but all you could focus on was how you could probably never dance again.

You stayed in the hospital for the rest of the school year, Seungmin and Hyunjin visiting often, almost every day, to either give you your school work or just to hang out. You were grateful for them and luckily, you began to feel better.

The day the doctor told you that you were eligible for surgery, you were beyond delighted. You had stopped your dancing and was devastated, but now, you had a chance to dance again. You rang up Seungmin and Hyunjin as quickly as possible and excitedly spilled the news. They were both overjoyed.

Soon enough, you were out of the hospital by mid-summer, although you still couldn’t dance and had to take it easy, you were elated. Unfortunately, the surgery was expensive and your family couldn’t afford it. You decided to live the best that you could in the meantime. You believed that everyone had a guardian angel watching over them and you knew yours was going to sweep down to save you soon.

“I’m so sorry we can’t help you pay,” Hyunjin told you sadly.

“It’s alright. I know my guardian angel is going to come soon,” you offer a small smile.

“I sure hope so,” Seungmin nods, giving you a loose hug, not wanting to hurt you.

Soon enough, summer break ended and you began high school. Luckily, there was a program you were able to apply to. A program where you were able to get sponsored and in return, you offered your friendship and company.

He was your guardian angel. He didn’t give you his name and you didn’t give him yours. You enjoyed the mysteriousness and you were more than grateful when he agreed to pay for your surgery. The two of you hadn’t met, wanting to save the meeting for when you had gotten the surgery. Luckily, the two of you had exchanged numbers and texted often. You had learned that he is the same age as you. You had learned that he’s Australian. You had learned that he is also a dancer.

He had told you that he was more than happy to help another dancer out which was why he chose to help you. He knows how difficult it was and how competitive the industry is. You felt comforted knowing that he was there to help. You had told him that you thought he was your guardian angel and that was what you referred to him as. He told you he thought that it was really cute and all was well.

---

“Hurry up, Hyunjin. We’re going to be late! It’s the first day of school, damn it,” Seungmin grunts, fast-walking towards the classroom.

It was the first day of your junior year and Hyunjin got distracted by a stray cat on the way to school. You laughed at Seungmin who was struggling to get Hyunjin to leave the cat and at Hyunjin who refused to ditch the cat.

“For once, I agree with Min,” you giggle, tugging at Hyunjin’s sleeve, “I don’t want to be late on the first day.”

“Fine~” Hyunjin pouts, releasing the stray from his grips.

Finally arriving at school, the three of you stepped into the classroom just as the bell rang. Sighing, you guys decided to sit in the back of the classroom, as you had in the past two years of high school. You could feel the eyes of your peers on the three of you. It wasn’t really that surprising that the three of you were one of the most popular people at school.

Hyunjin, with his gorgeous face and extraordinary dancing skills, could easily woo anybody he ever wanted. Seungmin had been chosen as president for your grade for the past two years and you were sure he was going to win again this year. He was smart and dedicated which attracted a lot of your schoolmates. As for you, you had the looks and warm personality that made people want to befriend you. The three of you were known as the golden trio at your school.

You always thought to yourself, if people had known about your condition, would you still be as popular as you are now? Seungmin and Hyunjin always told you that you would, and you did believe them, but sometimes there was a little doubt. Shaking your head, you toss the thought aside and focus in class. Finally, the class ended and the three of you decided to stay in the classroom during resting period.

“What should we do after school today?” Seungmin asks, “It’s the first day so there’s not much work to do.”

“I want to go see the cat,” Hyunjin says while sipping on his drink.

“We should go to the ice cream parlor. I’ve been craving for ice cream recently,” you hum.

“Oh, the one that just opened nearby Hyunjin’s house?” Seungmin’s face brightened up.

“I went there with my mom one time. It’s pretty good,” Hyunjin nods in approval.

“Maybe the ice cream will help the pill go down easier,” you ponder. You had been taking medication for your condition which helped delay any serious problems.

“Hopefully,” Seungmin gives you a charming smile.

---

“I wonder what they’re talking about. It looks like they’re planning on something exciting,” Felix dreamily sighs, his eyes never leaving your figure.

“Stop staring, she’s going to notice. They probably are planning something exciting,” Jisung agrees, fiddling with a little piece of paper he had been playing with during class.

“I-I’m not staring! I just glanced over,” Felix huffed, feeling his cheeks heat up. He has had the biggest, most obvious crush on you since freshman year. He was hopelessly in love with you and you barely knew his name. However, Felix still hoped...even if Jisung was a debby-downer sometimes.

“Yeah ‘glancing’ for five minutes straight...sure,” Jisung teasingly chuckles.

“Ugh, shut up Jisung,” Felix pouts, taking one last look at your pretty figure before the bell rang and the teacher strolling in.

---

A few months passed and you could feel your body slowly deteriorating. Sometimes you felt fine, but other days, you felt like every part of your body had been run over by a steam roller and your head won’t stop spinning. However, your bond with your guardian angel only strengthened with each day.

“He just made another deposit! We’re almost at the goal price,” you happily hum in the hospital bed.

You made regular visits to the hospital for check-ups and Seungmin and Hyunjin would often tag along. They were there for moral support and you are ever so grateful.

“Oh my gosh yay! Hopefully, we can reach it before winter break,” Seungmin happily claps.

“We must celebrate,” Hyunjin grins, giving your hand a small squeeze.

“Yeah,” you stare at his text saying that he has made another deposit, “I can’t believe this is happening.”

If you were being honest, you have fallen for your mysterious savior throughout the past two and a half years. He was sweet, understanding, supportive, and most importantly, he basically saved your life. You couldn’t help but feel giddy, like a schoolgirl in love (which you pretty much are) whenever you receive a text or a call from him. It makes your heart race, and not because of your condition.

You decided to give him a call, to thank him. Pressing his contact, you put the phone on speaker so that Seungmin and Hyunjin could hear too. He had met both your best friends, well only through calls since you let them listen in sometimes, and they all got along quite well. Biting on your lip, you felt a small blush make its way onto your cheeks. Seungmin seemed to notice and he giggled, nudging your arm.

“Hello~” your guardian angel hums, his deep voice calming you.

“Hello, angel,” you giggle, “Thank you so much for the deposit!”

“Seriously, we can’t thank you enough for doing this,” Seungmin nods.

“It’s really no problem. It’s the least I can do for a fellow dancer,” Felix chuckles.

“Us dancers must stick together,” Hyunjin agrees.

“Anyway, how are you doing?” you ask.

“I’ve been alright, though I have this huge project coming up soon,” the deep voice groaned.

“Oh, same actually. Good luck, by the way,” you cheer him on.

“Hehe, thanks. You too,” he chuckled, the audio crackling a little.

Soon, both Seungmin and Hyunjin had to head home and you were left by yourself in the little hospital room, still on the phone with your savior. You always enjoyed the long phone calls you were able to have with him. It was comforting and he always takes your mind off your struggles.

“Say, angel, I’ve been thinking,” you gulp, “Maybe we should meet up before the surgery after all.”

“Don’t say that,” he hums.

“J-just in case you know,” you stutter, suddenly feeling a little scared and uncertain about your future.

“Please don’t think that way. When you get better, we will meet for sure,” you can hear just how genuine he is.

“Really?” you ask, still hesitant.

“Believe me. I’m your guardian angel, right? I’ll protect you. There’s no need to worry,” he chuckles comfortingly.

“You’re right. I can’t thank you enough, angel,” you smile.

“No problem. I’m here for you,” you can practically hear his smile.

Suddenly, the door opened and you gasped slightly. You were so immersed in the conversation that you hadn’t notice. You could hear him giggling on the other end of the line and you can’t help but chuckle along. You didn’t want to hang up, but you had to. The two of you exchanged goodbyes and your finger hovered over the end call button before finally pressing it.

“How’re you feeling?” your doctor gives you a small smile.

“I’ve been alright. He just made another deposit,” you return the smile.

“That’s wonderful. Soon, you’ll be on your way out and never have to visit again!” your doctor steps up to you to do your routine check-up.

“I sure hope so,” you clutch your phone, thinking about him.

---

“Hey, how long did you end up calling him for?” Hyunjin’s teasing voice traveled all the way to Felix’s ear.

The freckled boy whips around, the topic piquing interest to him. He was greeted by you blushing, shyly hitting Hyunjin. He couldn’t hear what your reply was from such a far distance, but his heart sank. Was there someone else? Were you already dating someone? Felix bit his lip, frustrated.

“Yo, what’s wrong?” Jisung plops down into the seat next to him, stabbing his juice box.

“Nothing,” Felix grumbles, staring at his hands.

“Come on, it doesn’t take a genius to know something is wrong,” Jisung sighs.

“It’s nothing big, Jisung. I...uh...I just got a bad grade on that last test. I don’t want to talk about it,” Felix shakes his head.

“Hmm...okay...but same,” Jisung hums suspiciously but dropping the topic anyway.

---

“Stop it Hyunjin...he doesn’t feel that way about me anyway,” you whine, lightly hitting Hyunjin’s arm.

“Hmm, I’m not sure about that. Why would he call you for that long?” Hyunjin raises a perfect eyebrow.

“He’s just being nice,” you groan, “Besides, he told me he has this massive crush on someone at his school.”

“What if he goes to our school?” Seungmin suggests.

“No way, the world isn’t that small,” you scoff, a little disappointed.

“You never know,” Seungmin shrugs.

---

“Alright students, we’re having a project for your final. Rather than taking a test, you guys will be put into groups to complete a full powerpoint and a poster on your chosen topic,” your teacher announces.

A mix of groans and cheering came from the students and your teacher chuckles. You stared ahead with a straight face. You knew you weren’t going to be able to do much since you were going to be in the hospital most of the time. Silently, you apologized to your group mates in advance.

The teacher started listing the groups and much to your disappointment, Seungmin ended up in a different group. You pout and waved goodbye to Seungmin as Hyunjin clung on to you, hoping to end up in the same group. You held your breath when you heard Hyunjin’s name get called.

“Hyunjin, Felix, Jisung, and Y/n,” your teacher calls.

“Yes! Seungmin can suck it!” Hyunjin whisper-yells, high-fiving you.

You roll your eyes, giggling at his antics and went to sit with your two other group mates. There was a bit of awkward tension, but you brushed it off and gave them a smile. You were sure Hyunjin felt the awkwardness too since he stiffened a little. He was a little more of an introvert than you were.

“Hey,” you cooly greeted the two.

“Hi,” Jisung excitedly shakes your outstretched hand.

“H-hey,” Felix shyly nods.

You’ve seen the pair a few times in the halls and they have been in a few of your classes since freshman year, but you’ve never really interacted with them much. They were considered the nerds, which you didn’t mind, but it seems that you’ve just never had the chance to talk to them before.

“So, which topic do you guys want to do?” Jisung asks. He seems to be the more outgoing of the two.

“This one about thermodynamics seems kind of interesting,” Hyunjin suggests.

“What? I thought you were more into the three kinematics,” you tilt your head, confused. Both you, Seungmin, and Hyunjin had all agreed before that kinematics was a lot more interesting.

“I’m sorry, I’m nervous,” Hyunjin pouts.

“Don’t be nervous...we don’t bite,” Felix chuckles.

You let out a laugh, throwing your head back. Little did you know, Felix’s cheeks had lit up and his ears had gone completely red. Felix’s little heart pounded at the sound of your laughter. He could listen to you laugh all day.

“I’m sure you don’t. Right, Jinnie?” you giggle, patting Hyunjin’s shoulder.

“Yeah, whatever,” Hyunjin rolls his eyes, a small smile making its way onto his handsome face.

The four of you quickly decided on a topic and exchanged contacts before the bell rang. All of you filed out of the classroom, heading your separate ways.

“Hey, how’s your group?” Seungmin asks as the three of you stroll back home.

“Jisung and Felix seem like chill people,” Hyunjin nods in approval.

“Felix seems pretty funny,” you offer.

“Yeah, you were laughing a lot,” Seungmin chuckles.

“Gosh, Min. Focus on your own group,” you sassily respond.

“Wow, did you just say that to me?” Seungmin gasps in false offense.

“Yeah, she just did,” Hyunjin laughs.

The three of you continue to laugh until you reach home.

---

Felix tosses his backpack off and flops onto his bed, groaning. His face is warm and pink from his interactions with you just a few minutes ago. A shy smile made its way onto Felix’s freckled face and he lets out a small squeal.

“What’s wrong with you?” Jisung laughs, plopping down on the bed beside Felix.

“Nothing,” Felix sighs contentedly.

“Nothing my ass,” Jisung mocks,” It’s always y/n.”

“No...not always. I made her laugh a lot today though,” Felix sits up, his blush so dark you can barely see his freckles anymore.

“Oh my gosh, your face is so red,” Jisung bursts, clutching his stomach.

Felix bites his lip, brows furrowing, “Shut up, Jisung. You’re so noisy.”

Jisung scoffs, “Me? Noisy? Never~”

Felix simply rolls his eyes, shoving Jisung’s backpack off his chair and starting on his work. Both Jisung and Felix got to work, but the freckled boy can’t help but let his mind wander to earlier in class. The way you threw your head back at his jokes made him blush all over again. Oh, how he wished he could make you laugh like that every day.

---

Curled up in layers of blankets, you scroll through your old photos and videos. Sometimes you liked to get all cozy and relive your old life through your pictures and videos. Sometimes you invited Seungmin and Hyunjin over to join you. Sometimes you didn’t. This time, you didn’t. You stopped on one particular photo and it usually doesn’t bring tears to your eyes, but this time it did.

You sigh, staring at your younger self. The photo was taken after a competition you joined and you had won first place. You were smiling so brightly as Seungmin and Hyunjin stood by your side looking so proud. You were holding up your little gold medal, Seungmin and Hyunjin each had an arm around you, smiling proudly on either side of you.

You suddenly felt really nostalgic and you couldn’t help but let out a small whimper. You wish you could dance again, to be on stage and perform, to compete. Taking a deep breath, you decided to post the picture on your private account that only your closest friends knew about. You didn’t want anyone else knowing about your condition because you didn’t want anyone’s pity which is why no one knows that you danced.

You smiled a little, reliving the memory. You tagged Seungmin and Hyunjin and added a caption.

I miss this.

After posting it, you shut off your phone, plugged it in to charge for the night and buried yourself deeper into your pile of blankets. You quickly fall asleep, dreaming of yourself dancing with Hyunjin, and Seungmin cheering the two of you on.

---

“Y/n!” Felix calls after you.

You spin around, surprised that Felix was calling for you. He ran to you excitedly, unlocking his phone. You were surprised because the two of you never really talked until yesterday to discuss the project. It was funny to see such a shy boy look so hyper and so you chuckled a little.

“Hey Felix,” you kindly greet him.

“H-hey…” Felix suddenly becomes shy again, pressing some buttons on his phone.

His eyes sparkle when he seems to found what he wanted to show you. It made you smile to see him so happy. Even if you didn’t really know the boy, you liked to see people so excited. Felix shyly turns his phone so you can see what is on the screen and you gasp. You hadn’t realized that you had posted the photo on your main account.

Your eyes widen in shock. You snatch the phone from him, yanking out your own phone from your pocket. You hadn’t checked your notifications in the morning and you scrolled through people’s comments on your post. Luckily, they were all either congratulating you for what you won or commenting on how adorable younger you, Hyunjin, and Seungmin looked. Thankfully, the medal wasn’t that obvious and only dancers would recognize what the medal was for.

“I’m sorry I snatched your phone like that,” you apologize, handing the blushing boy in front of you his phone back.

“It’s fine,” he bites his lip.

“Um, so what about the photo?” you ask, slightly panicked. You pray that he didn’t recognize the medal.

“I didn’t know you danced!” Felix slips his phone back into his pocket, “I’m a dancer too and I recognized the medal. Congratulations by the way...even though that seemed to be a while ago.”

“O-Oh...thank you,” you try to give him a genuine smile. Fear was clawing at you from the inside.

“We should dance together sometime,” Felix looks down, blushing a little, “If you want to of course.”

“I can’t...Felix,” you gulp, “I don’t dance.”

“But the medal. You must be really good,” Felix encourages.

“I’m not,” you take a deep breath, trying to keep your composure.

“The first place medal tells me otherwise,” Felix chuckles.

You give him a weak smile but stayed silent. You are afraid that if you said anything, the tears would burst from your eyes. You didn’t want to cry, not now.

“Ah, I actually participated in that competition before and won. I believe we have matching medals,” Felix gives you a cheeky grin, “Jisung told me that he thought I deserved better than first place, but I think someone else should have won honestly.”

Felix gives you a hopeful look, praying that his anecdote might help you open up about your dancing. You simply shake your head, feeling scared.

“I can’t dance,” you spit out, unintentionally sounding aggressive.

Felix’s face drops, his smile falters. You can see that he’s disappointed and you feel terrible for bursting at him like that. He didn’t deserve it. You wish the ground would swallow you up and you bowed, hiding your embarrassed expression and bubbling tears.

“I-I’m so sorry Felix,” you choke out.

Before the poor boy could respond, you turned and ran out of the halls. The rest of the day, you tried to avoid him and luckily today you didn’t have any classes with him today. As soon as you got home, you dialed your guardian angel’s number

He was always there for you. He always listens and makes sure that by the end of the call, you are feeling better than you have ever felt before. You sniffle, waiting for him to pick up and he picks up within seconds as usual.

“Hey, how are you?” he asks.

“Not good,” you mumble, “Do you have time for a long call?”

“Tell me what happened,” you can hear his worry.

You try to calm yourself, but your voice still came out shaky. You spill out what you’ve been feeling, not even realizing you have begun to cry in the middle. You didn’t give any specifics, just the stress and pain you’ve been feeling.

“Today’s just been a bad day,” you sniff, wiping away the tears with a crumpled tissue.

“We all have those days and they will pass. Tomorrow is going to be better, I know it,” your angel assures.

“Thanks for listening to my rant. I’m so sorry you have to put up with me,” you bitterly chuckle.

“Hey, you’re not a burden at all. I want to help and I’ll always be here for you. You’re special and you deserve so much better than what is going on right now. Just hold out a little longer, I’m going to protect you,” he promises.

“Thank you so much. If you have any problems you can come to me too. You’ve done so much for me, I have to repay you and I hope this friendship is enough,” you smile, feeling better already.

“Thanks,” he hesitates a little before speaking again, “Well, today has been pretty bad for me too.”

“Aww, what’s wrong?” you sit up a little straighter, you can hear the sadness in his deep voice.

“You know that girl I told you about? The one I really like,” he sighs.

“Yeah…” your brows furrow. As much as you wish he liked you instead, you would never wish anything bad upon that girl.

“I-I think she hates me now,” he groans, “I made her cry today.”

“Oh no,” you sympathetically gasp.

“Yeah, long story short, I think I pushed a little too far. She must have been having a bad day and when I asked her about something I assume is more personal, her whole demeanor just changed. I could feel the frustration radiating off of her and I guess what I said made her burst. She ran away from me before I could even apologize,” the voice on the other end cracked.

“Angel, I don’t think she hates you. If she’s just having a bad day, she’ll understand that you didn’t do anything wrong. You just caught her at the wrong time,” you comfortingly suggest.

“I hope so,” he sighs.

“Don’t worry. You should try talking to her again tomorrow,” you offer.

“That’s a good idea,” he agrees, his voice more steady now, “Thank you so much for letting me rant.”

“No problem, it’s the least I can do,” you sadly smile, “I just wish I could talk to you face-to-face.”

“Me too, but I want our first meeting to be special,” he agrees, “I can’t wait to see you all healthy, happy, and dancing again.”

You giggle, “Yeah, I hope the surgery will help.”

“Same here. Remember, I’ll be watching over you so you have nothing to worry about. I’ll make sure the doctors don’t make a wrong move,” he chuckles.

“Thank you so much. I can’t thank you enough,” you laugh, checking the clock, “I do have to go now though. I have that project to work on.”

“Same. I’ll talk to you later and I hope you feel better!” he offers, extremely supportive.

“Bye-bye, angel~” you hum, hanging up after he returns the greeting.

Tossing your phone onto the end of your bed, you sigh happily. You always felt like you were on top of the world after a call with him. He just had that effect on you. He takes away all your stress and worries.

Encouraged and motivated, you started on your homework and calling Seungmin and Hyunjin later to give them an update since you had run out on them earlier today as well.

---

Felix is miserable. No words could describe how guilty and disappointed he feels. He had angered you yesterday and he didn’t know what happened, but he couldn’t help but the feel like it was his fault. He had called Jisung when he got home that day, confiding in him.

Although Jisung told him to stop worrying and that she was probably having an off day, Felix can’t help but worry. He didn’t want to face you in class today, but he also has to apologize. Luckily, when he walked into the classroom, you were happily chatting away with Seungmin and Hyunjin as usual. At least you feel better now and it made Felix’s mood brighten a bit.

“Hey man. You don’t look too hot,” Jisung gives his freckled friend a concerned look.

“I’m fine…” Felix takes another peek at you, “I need to apologize to her.”

“Stop worrying about it. I’m sure she doesn’t think it’s your fault for what happened yesterday,” Jisung reassures him, giving him an encouraging pat on the back.

“I hope,” Felix sighs, slightly dreading on working on the group project.

Little did he know, you were feeling the same.

“Seriously? I can’t believe you tripped over Seungmin. Did you really not see him there?” you laugh.

“I swear, he wasn’t there a second ago!” Hyunjin groans.

“You need to get your eyes checked. I had been sitting there since I got into your house,” Seungmin rolls his eyes.

“You two are idiots,” you chuckle, turning your head to see who had entered the classroom.

You smile falters when you see that it’s Felix. He looked tired and dejected which you assume was because of what happened yesterday. The guilt began eating away at you and you looked away, brows furrowed.

“Hey, we all have bad days,” Seungmin reassures you when he notices who had just walked in.

“Talk to him later. Get it off your chest,” Hyunjin suggests, giving your hand a light squeeze.

“Thanks, guys,” you give them a weak smile. You hope Felix would understand.

---

As soon as the bell rang for lunch, you lunge out of your seat to catch Felix before he left the classroom with Jisung.

“Felix!” you reach out and grabbed his arm, preventing him from leaving.

Both Felix and Jisung jump in shock and they whip around to face you. Both boys’ eyes travel down to your hand on Felix’s arm and you blush, letting go, muttering an apology. Jisung simply smirks while Felix’s freckles slowly disappeared.

“Hey, can I borrow Felix for a second?” you clear your throat.

“Feel free to take him for the whole lunch,” Jisung winks at you playfully before skipping off.

The two of you slowly made your way outside, the awkwardness looming around the both of you. The two of you made your way to a quiet corner and you sigh. You gulp before looking him in the eye.

“I’m so sorry about yesterday, Felix. I wasn’t feeling well,” you bow.

“Oh, I hope you’re feeling better now,” Felix looks at you worriedly.

“I’m fine now, thanks,” you look up at him through your lashes.

Felix visibly gulps, “I’m sorry about yesterday too. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”

“That’s okay. I shouldn’t have snapped at you,” you shake your head.

You gently take his hand in yours and give them a light squeeze, hoping that he would forgive you. Felix blushes and he averts his gaze.

“I hope we can get to know each other,” you offer, “I hope we can be friends.”

“O-of course,” Felix shyly smiles.

The meek smile on your face widens and you instinctively give him a hug, squeezing him. Felix stiffens in shock, but he quickly recovers and wraps his arms around you to return the hug.

You spent the rest of lunch with Felix, and though you didn’t touch on the subject of dance, the two of you found much more in common and shared lots of laughs. The two of you got along well and you appreciated your new found friendship.

“Jisung really did that? Well, at least it’s not as bad as when Hyunjin tripped over Seungmin yesterday. He claims that he didn’t see Min on the floor,” you giggle, strolling back to the classroom since lunch had ended.

“Seriously? I thought they were both super graceful and stuff,” Felix laughs.

“No one really knows them. They’re the biggest dorks I’ve ever known,” you laugh along, entering the classroom.

You spot Seungmin, Hyunjin, and Jisung already sitting together, getting ready for the project. The teacher had told all of you that the next few classes would be dedicated to working on the final project.

“Looks like we were too slow,” you chuckle, skipping over to your friends, dragging Felix with you.

The three of them were giving you a peculiar look. You can’t quite tell what the expression they’re making is so you make a confused face of your own. You sit down next to Hyunjin and Felix slides into the seat next to yours.

“We were talking about you,” Jisung playfully giggles, scooting his chair in to form a tighter circle.

“So were we,” Felix spits back, sticking his tongue out playfully.

“You’d better not be talking trash. I have a reputation to keep up,” Seungmin eyes you suspiciously.

“Don’t worry, it was mostly of Hyunjin doing dumb things anyway,” you laugh.

“What? Nothing I do is dumb. You’re delusional,” Hyunjin scoffs, pointing at you accusingly.

“Whatever, let’s start before we get yelled at,” you shake your head, a smile on your face.

---

From that day on, your friend groups seemed to have merged. The five of you eat lunch together and hang out together after school. You and Felix however, have gotten particularly close. It became a known fact that Felix has a crush on you, which you don’t really mind, but you didn’t want to break his heart by telling him you already have someone else you’re smitten with. No one told you, but it was kind of obvious. So, you and Felix never touched on the subject.

However, you do find yourself slowly falling for the charming boy. His smile makes your heart flutter, his caring gestures makes your face warm, and his voice makes you melt into a puddle of lovestruck goop. Although you began feeling things for Felix, you never told him. Besides, you still have a massive crush on your guardian angel. Whenever you’re with Felix you feel that you can move on from your angel since he already has someone, but whenever you’re calling him, you can’t help but fall in love with him all over again.

You feel conflicted, but you kept your struggles to yourself. You didn’t want to bother anyone.

“Hey Felix, what’s up?” you ask, keeping your phone to your ear with your shoulder, continuing on your homework.

“Since the project is due on the day of the final, do you want to meet up with the others to finish it this week? Finals are in two weeks and we all have other finals to study for too so it might be more convenient,” Felix’s deep voice rang through, making your heart flutter a little.

“That’s a good idea. You should just text the group chat,” you giggle.

“Uh, right,” Felix becomes quiet and you receive a notification from said group chat, “Okay, just sent it.”

“I got it,” you laugh, “Well I know Hyunjin and Seungmin’s schedule...when are you and Jisung free?”

“How about next Monday after school?” Felix suggests.

“Can’t. Hyunjin has dance,” you hum, “How about Wednesday?”

“Oh, I’m free, but Jisung has extracurricular classes,” Felix sighs.

“Darn, how about Thursday?” you ask.

“Jisung and I are free that day,” Felix approves, “I’ll just text the group chat to make sure.”

“Good idea,” you nod, even though Felix can’t see you.

Felix and you chatted for a while longer, but your mom suddenly bursts in your room and you let out a shriek. You apologize to Felix before hanging up.

“Mom~ I almost got a heart attack!” you hold your hand up to your chest, feeling your heart beat faster, “You know I’m supposed to try to keep my heart rate as regular as possible.”

“I’m sorry, honey, but look! The final payment has been made!” your mom excitedly shows you her phone and the last payment has indeed been made.

“Oh my gosh! Finally,” you feel yourself tear up.

Your mom bursts into tears and the two of you hold each other, sobbing happy tears. You are overjoyed, you silently thank your guardian angel for this chance. Later that night, you called up your guardian angel to thank him and your family went out for a celebratory dinner.

“So, when am I going to get the surgery?” you ask, taking a bite of your food.

“We were thinking after your last final,” your dad cuts into his meat.

“The doctors said you’ll need to be there for the entirety of the week prior to the surgery. Since that would be the week of your finals, they said it would be okay for you to take the finals and then head straight back to the hospital,” your mom nods.

“That sounds good to me,” you smile. You were excited. This surgery could change your life and you could possibly dance again.

That night, you fell asleep the happiest you have ever been. You dreamed of dancing that night, the spotlight shone on your figure. When you finished, you spot a dark, hazy figure in the middle of the audience and you smiled. You knew that was your guardian angel and he was watching over you.

---

“Hey, where’s y/n?” Felix tilts his head, wondering why you haven’t shown up to class yet.

“Y/n’s not going to be here this whole week,” Seungmin informs him.

“What? Is she okay?” Felix’s brows furrowed in worry.

“She’s fine,” Hyunjin shrugs, “That’s why she offered to do most of the project on Thursday.”

“O-oh…” Felix swallows harshly.

“Don’t worry about her. She’s going to be fine,” Hyunjin places a hand on Felix’s shoulder giving it a light squeeze.

“Sorry, I can’t help it. What’s going on though?” Felix sighs.

“We can’t tell you, sorry. We promised her not to,” Seungmin shakes his head sadly, “I wish she could open up about things, but I know she just doesn’t want anyone to worry or have anyone judge her.”

“Ah, I see. I hope she’s okay,” Felix looks down dejectedly.

“It’s nothing personal if that’s what you’re thinking,” Hyunjin says.

“No, I understand,” Felix licks his lips, “I just hope nothing’s wrong.”

---

Throughout the week, you studiously take all your finals in the small hospital room and studying. Seungmin and Hyunjin came in a few times to study with you and you were thankful. As much as you were excited about the surgery, you were also extremely nervous and adding on the stress of finals didn’t really help.

However, your guardian angel called often to check up on you. It was his finals week as well, but that didn’t stop him from making sure you were okay and you couldn’t be more thankful for such a sweet guy watching over you. The two of you had finally set a time to meet. You wanted him to be the first person you saw when you woke up so the two of you planned for him to be waiting outside your room after your surgery. He would come in as soon as the doctors saw your eyes open. You told your doctors your plan and they happily complied, wishing the best for you. You were so excited about the meeting you felt as if your heart was beating a thousand miles per hour. That couldn’t be good for you, but you were too giddy to care.

Finally, you finished your last final and you sigh contentedly. You relaxed a little, but then remembered that you would be under the knife in just a few hours. Your phone suddenly rings and you check the caller ID. It was your guardian angel. Your heart picks up its pace and you answer immediately.

“Hi,” you excitedly breathe into the mic.

“Hey, are you ready?” his deep voice rumbles.

“I’m more than ready...though I am a little nervous still,” you confess.

“It’s perfectly normal to be nervous. I bought you something, by the way. I asked the nurse to bring it to you. Hopefully, it can be like a lucky charm and you can take it with you into surgery,” his steady voice calms you.

“You didn’t have to spend any more money on me than you already do,” your brows furrowed when he told you he bought you something, “I appreciate it though. I’ll definitely take it with me.”

“It’s no problem. I guess I just wanted to somehow be there with you,” he chuckles. You can tell from his voice that he got a little shy.

“Thank you,” you pause as a nurse comes into your room, “Oh, hold on. Someone is here.”

“This is from him,” the nurse smiled kindly, one hand pointing at your phone while the holding a tiny box in the other.

“Oh, thank you,” the grin on your face widens. The nurse quickly leaves and you continue your call with your angel.

“Open it,” he encourages.

You set your phone on speaker so you didn’t have to hold it and you tugged at the delicately tied bow. The ribbons fell and you lifted the lid of the small box. You gasp and pull out the silver jewelry.

It was a silver necklace with a little angel charm. You speechlessly flip the charm around and on the back of the angel, today’s date was finely etched onto it. Your tongue felt heavy and you immediately clasped it onto your neck. You silently vowed to never take it off.

“Do you like it?” his voice hopeful, but also a little nervous. You hadn’t said anything yet.

“I...I love it. It’s gorgeous,” you sniffle, gently touching the angel charm on the necklace that is now resting at the top of your chest area.

“I’m glad,” he lets out a relieved sigh.

“And the date on the back. It’s today,” you lick your dry lips.

“Yeah. It’s the day we meet and the day you can finally dance again. Today is an important day,” he chuckles.

“Thank you so much,” you begin to tear up, “Oh gosh, I’m going to cry.”

“Don’t cry,” he laughs, “I’ll be by your side.”

“I’m speechless. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me,” you shyly confess, thankful that he wasn’t here to see you blush.

“I can say the same to you. You’re an inspiration,” his genuine voice calms you.

“You flatter me,” you giggle, “Well, I think it’s about time. I’ll call you-- no I’ll see you later.”

“Wow, that sounds so foreign. Are we speaking the same language?” the two of you burst out in laughter.

“Well, I can't wait to actually see you in person to thank you,” you sigh happily.

“Same here. Good luck and remember I’m always with you,” he cheers you on.

You simply hum and he hangs up. You put your phone aside just as the doctor comes in. You’re placed onto another bed and you clutch onto your new necklace. Your vision slowly fades as they put you under heavy anesthetic. You drift off to deep sleep, serenity washing over you.

---

Felix paced around his room. He couldn’t stop. He hadn’t seen you all week and he had become a nervous wreck. He prayed that you were okay and despite Seungmin and Hyunjin telling him that you were, he couldn’t stop worrying.

The love of his life hadn’t shown up for finals and barely responded to any of his texts and calls. The poor boy just wanted to see you. That’s all he was asking for. He tries to calm himself and decides to head out. He had promised someone important that he would be at the hospital. He decided to calm himself and get there early.

Felix couldn’t stop thinking about you as he makes his way to the hospital. He wonders what you’ve been up to the past week since both Seungmin and Hyunjin refuse to tell him. The steps in through the hospital doors, greeting the nurse in the front.

“I’m Felix,” he informs them and the nurse leads him to the front of one of the rooms.

“You might have to wait a little longer, but you can take a peek if you want,” the nurse smiled reassuringly.

“Thanks,” Felix gives the nurse a tight smile, shoving his hands in his pockets.

The nurse leaves and Felix hesitantly makes his way to the door. Head down, Felix takes a deep breath before peeking through the window. He squints to get a better view of the person sleeping in the bed and his jaw drops. Everything makes sense now.

---

A soft, constant beeping noise became louder and louder, causing you to stir. Your eyes snap open and you feel slightly panicked, but calm yourself down when you see where you are. You close your eyes and smile. The surgery was finished and you made it.

You hear the door creak open and you open your eyes, shifting yourself so that you were sort of sitting up. You groaned a little at the soreness your body felt, but you couldn’t care less. You knew who was at the door. Your eyes trailed from the floor to his feet and up his body and finally, his face. Your eyebrows shoot up, mouth hanging open.

“F-Felix?” you gasp.

He shyly chuckles, making his way towards you, “I hope you’re not disappointed.”

You shake your head, tugging Felix’s hand, motioning for him to sit. He sits at the side of your bed and you tear up. With the little energy you have, you give Felix the tightest hug you could give. You felt bad for getting his shirt wet with your tears, but it wasn’t the most important thing right now. You were just overwhelmed.

“I was hoping it was you,” you whisper, squeezing Felix just a little tighter.

There’s so much you want to tell him, but you couldn’t get anything else. Your tears didn’t stop and Felix carefully wiped them away, his bright smile never leaving his face. He chuckles when you hiccup and hands you some water to help you calm down.

“Everything makes sense now. Why you were gone during finals week, why you told me you couldn’t dance,” Felix runs his fingers through your hair comfortingly, his hand then sliding from your head down to your hand, gripping it tightly.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you anything. I didn’t know how and I didn’t want you to think that I’m weak or anything,” you cry, sipping the water.

“I wouldn’t ever think that. I’m sponsoring someone with the same story as you,” he chuckles, “And that person turns out to be you.”

You nod, too tired to say anything more. Felix notices your eyes drooping and you let out a cute yawn. Felix laughs, tugging the blankets higher up on your body. He stands up, still holding your hand.

“I’ll let you rest,” Felix runs his thumb over your hand lightly.

“Stay,” you whisper, giving Felix’s soft hands a tight squeeze.

“Alright, I’ll stay,” you hear Felix chuckle before drifting to sleep.

---

Over the course of winter break, you recover smoothly and spill your whole story out to Felix even though he knows pretty much all of it. You show him your old videos and pictures and he shows you some of his own dance routines. The two of you bond over your passion and it distracts you from the hardships that come with recovering from surgery. Soon enough, Seungmin, Hyunjin, Jisung, your family, and your classmates all came to visit at some point. Felix never left your side. He only got up to eat and shower. He slept on the little couch bed squeezed into the corner of your bland hospital room.

“Okay, truth or dare?” Hyunjin smirks, sitting cross-legged at the end of your bed.

“Dare. Momma ain’t raise no wimp,” Seungmin huffs, crossing his arms over his chest, his head held high.

“Sure, I dare you to press every single button on the vending machine down the hall,” Hyunjin cocks a perfect brow.

“W-What...that’s rude,” Seungmin hesitates, “This is a hospital, Hyunjin. Not school.”

“Momma ain’t raise no wimp,” Hyunjin mocks, throwing his head back in laughter.

“I’ll go with you so you don’t have to be embarrassed,” you offer, laughing as well.

“No way! You just want to go to laugh at me!” Seungmin shrieks.

“So, are you going to do the dare or pick truth for the rest of the game?” Hyunjin confidently puffs.

“Fine, fine. Just continue playing while I humiliate myself out there,” Seungmin groans, getting up and leaving the room.

“Well, I guess I’ll go,” Jisung offers, “Felix. Truth or dare?”

“I don’t want to humiliate myself either so truth,” Felix chuckles.

“Hmm, that’s a good choice,” Jisung smirks.

Felix visibly gulps, his face grimacing, “Okay?”

“So, are you in love with y/n?” Jisung giggles, knowing that the answer was obvious.

Both yours and Felix’s face flare up, refusing to make eye contact with each other. While you were desperately playing with the blanket, Felix was blubbering and stuttering. You found it cute and although you were embarrassed, you wish Felix would say yes.

“Just answer the damn question you fool!” Jisung teases, causing Hyunjin to nearly roll off the bed from laughing so hard.

“Y-yes...I do,” Felix sighs, shyly looking over at you.

You freeze. Felix looks at you with the most innocent and hopeful puppy dog eyes which cause you to become more red, if that was even possible. You want to just attack him with kisses, but you couldn’t will yourself to move. Felix’s face drops and the memory of you telling him you couldn’t dance slides its way back into your memory and you shudder.

“Y/n, truth or dare,” Hyunjin looks at you. You know what he was thinking.

“Dare,” you squeak.

“I dare you to just confess to Felix,” Hyunjin groans, “You’ve been so in love with him for the past few years and you didn’t even know.

“W-what?” It’s Felix’s turn to freeze. Jisung facepalms.

“This is so embarrassing,” you cry, “ but yeah...I’ve kind of had a crush on you since you decided to sponsor me.”

“Do you know how long Seungmin and I have had to deal with her blubbering about how in love she is with her ‘guardian angel’ and how devastated she is when she found out you had a crush...on her?” Hyunjin shakes his head.

“Oh...my gosh…” cheeks bright pink, Felix begins giggling.

“Don’t laugh at me~” you whine, “I kind of suspected that you’ve had a crush on me since freshman year so you’re not one to laugh.”

“Fair point, but that’s so cute,” Felix purses his lips and reaches over to squish your cheeks.

“It’s not, it’s embarrassing,” you pout, trying to pull Felix’s hand away from your face.

“What’s funny is that Felix has been crushing on you and you’ve been crushing on him the whole time,” Jisung wipes away an imaginary tear.

“So? Are you guys dating now? Can we celebrate yet?” Hyunjin asks.

However, neither you nor Felix was really paying attention. You stare at Felix, admiring his perfect face. His soft looking hair, his adorable sparkly eyes, his constellation-like freckles, his cute button nose, his perfectly kissable lips, he drove you absolutely crazy; it was a good kind of crazy. The two of you stare into each other’s eyes, the world around you disappear.

Both of you started leaning in until an awkward cough was heard. The two of you freeze, slowly looking back at your friends. The two of you blushed and pulled away, but Felix’s hand remained in yours.

“Sorry to ruin the moment,” Jisung laughs.

“We’ll leave now and we’ll get Seungmin to stay out for a while too. Remember, don’t do anything Jesus wouldn’t do,” Hyunjin winks, hopping off the end of your bed.

You and Felix wordlessly watch as your friends leave. It was silent, but a comfortable silence. After a while of just holding hands and enjoying each other’s company, Felix finally speaks up.

“So...about earlier,” Felix shyly rubs the nape of his neck with his free hand, “well the cat’s out of the bag now.”

“Yeah...so...are we dating?” you ask hesitantly, not knowing if Felix wanted to be with you despite his recent confession.

“If you want,” Felix smiles at you, pure love shining in his eyes.

You smile back, blushing, “Of course I want to. I’ve been unknowingly head-over-heels for you for two-plus years.”

“Me too,” Felix giggles, pulling you closer to him.

Your eyes instinctively flutter shut. Thankfully, no one else was in here to watch the two of you and you blush. Little did you know, Felix’s smile widens when he sees your eyes closed and he does the same.

After what seemed like an eternity, you feel Felix’s plush lips on yours and you can’t help but smile like crazy. You giggle a little and pull Felix even closer to you, both your bodies flush against each other. Your hand slips out of his and your arms travel up his body and rest on his shoulders. His arms snake around your waist and he shifts himself onto your hospital bed so that it was more comfortable for both of you.

Your hands find their way up to his head and the feeling of his soft, fluffy hair sends tiny jolts up your body. You felt as if you were floating on a cloud and that you could fly away at any second, only Felix was keeping you grounded. You couldn’t get enough of him and you decided that all the pain and suffering was definitely worth it. You couldn’t have asked for a better guardian angel.

Unfortunately, both of you were slowly getting out of breath so you pull away from him. Pupils blown, the two of you sat, panting, unable to tear your eyes away from each other. Felix breaks into a smile, his pearly whites shining. You began giggling, his hair was all messed up from your hands running through them and you were sure your lips were so swollen you looked like a fish.

“I love you so much,” Felix cups your face, caressing it gently.

“I love you too. I couldn’t have asked for a better guardian angel,” you grin, placing your hand on top of his that was on your cheek.

“You guys are finally together, huh,” a familiar voice causes both you and your new boyfriend to jump.

“About time,” Hyunjin laughs, standing by the door with Seungmin and Jisung.

The five of you burst out into laughter. It definitely was about time and even though the wait was long, you wouldn’t have it any other way.

---

“Hey, love,” Felix pauses his footsteps, causing you to crash into him.

“What is it?” you ask, wiggling your fingers a little, adjusting your grip on his hand.

“I think it’s about time,” Felix points at the poster on the window.

Your eyes travel from his finger to the colorful poster. It was advertising an upcoming dance competition. You shake your head slightly, a little unsure of yourself. Felix turns to you and cups your face in his hands.

“If you’re not ready, you don’t have to and I’ll support whatever you choose, but I really think you’re ready. You’ve been non-stop training and getting back into shape every since you got out of the hospital. I’m more than 100% confident that you can beat anyone in that competition,” Felix encourages, giving you little pecks in between each sentence, “Most importantly, I’ll be there. I’ll protect you.”

“Felix…” you drag out his name, still a little weary.

“I’m your guardian angel, remember? I’ll make sure nothing bad will happen to you...ever. I love you,” Felix tucks a strand of hair behind your ear.

“Alright...I trust you,” you nod, “I have been thinking about doing something more competitive recently.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful! You should’ve told me,” Felix smiles softly.

“I know, but I just didn’t know if I was capable...or worthy to start again,” you sigh.

“You are more than capable and I don’t think the competition is worthy enough to have you,” your boyfriend chuckles.

You giggle, “Thank you. I can’t thank you enough...for being there for me all the time.”

“I do it because I care,” Felix easily leans into your open arms, cuddling up to you. You give your cuddly boyfriend a tight squeeze before pulling away.

“Well, it’s about time, isn’t it,” you give him a small smirk, taking a picture of the poster.

Felix nods, laughing. His arm carefully loops around you and the two of you continue strolling, chattering and laughing. Although you weren’t certain how you would do in the competition, or what would happen when you graduate, or if you would take dancing to become your full-time career, you knew one thing for sure.

Even though your future was unknown, you know one thing for sure: you would always have your guardian angel with you.

~Admin Liz ♡

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imtoobiforyou · 5 years ago

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I'm venting in this post..! 0^0 sorry I've been a downer this past few days, being at my house isn't very fun for me but I'm going back to school tomorrow! :)

Inspiration to start a new creative project has struck me, my brain is a bitch and won't focus on anything but that, I want to start on it so bad that I'm literally shaking-

but my parents are checking in literally every few minutes to see if I'm studying, and I can't, I can't focus on the material or start on my project, and I hate it

Just another day where I wonder why my life is still like this and why my parents have been like this for five freaking years since I started high school.

Oh shit ha I just got caught writing this post LOL I don't like doors bursting open and getting yelled at

#apparently cherish does have adhd #negativity #i2b4u mumbles

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maddybunny · 6 years ago

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Fiiiine, here: 😁😉😍😘🙂😏😓🤑😧😨😳💔💖💞❣💥👠👑

BRO DASSA LOT!!! ok fine FUCKLE UP

😁 When are you the most happy?

This is a mega general question but I’ll cater my answer to the theme uwu I feel really happy when my fp return my feelings and show me affection and buy me stuff IDK LOL

😉 Do you enjoy life in general?

Boy are u just goin’ down the list or WHAT but ummm I suppose...? It’s alright. Has its ups and ...real bad downs, but I try not to dwell on it. TY meds!

😍 What’s your type?

As if you don’t know omfg. I’m a sucker for the cool, suave types. Sweet, kind heart, mmmm, idk, generally along those lines. I love confidence and someone who can balance me out.

😘 Are you good at flirting?

Why not ask the people I flirt with? ;^) Just kidding, I’m pretty shit.

🙂 Are you good in hiding your real intentions when you have to hide them?

I can be, but not typically. I don’t like to be dishonest!

😏 How smooth are you from 1 to 10?

Like a solid 2 at best

😓 Have you ever had an awkward moment after displaying yandere behaviour?

LMAO OF COURSE? Too many times. My worst I think was when my ex bf saw my sketchbook after a fight and it was uhhhhhhhhhhh fucked up to say the least and then he walked out on me and we never spoke again! :)

🤑 What is the first thing you’d buy if you got a lot of money?

Ahhh maybe a new apartment/condo or put it towards new tattoos I want or use it for trips when I need but overall I’d put most in savings I’d think so it depends on the amount.

😧 What kind of people bore you?

All these answers gonna make me sound like I’ve got the biggest fuckin’ superiority complex but IT’S NOT BIG I PROMISE OMG but I find people boring when they’re really basic, like don’t have any unique interests or their interests are extremely limited to like 1 or 2 things. Uh, people bore me when they think they’re really deep and smart but they just relay basic wisdom or things that are, like, common sense. People also bore me when they’re a mega downer all the time, like I mean ALL the time. It’s draining. I care about you but I’m not your therapist, get some professional help if you feel the need to cry every day to your friends I’m js. (I’m sorry that’s harsh af but it’s real tea and I’m saying this as someone who struggles with their own mental illnesses too!!) It’s okay to confide in your friends and be open with them and stuff but if you literally do nothing but whine whenever you talk to them then you need to work on that, fam

😨 What is your worst fear?

Spiders! I have terrible arachnophobia. I’ve had friends in the past think it’s funny to send spider pictures and shit to me for a laugh but that shit’s not funny. That’s not very yandere-themed though so I guess moreso on that theme my worst fear is really.. rejection, I think. Kinda dumb tbh but I get discouraged veryyyy easily.

😳 What makes you blush?

When people I like flatter me with compliments ;w; despite my pretty low self-esteem I still really appreciate them and feeling the love makes me all warm and fluffy inside.

💔 Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Yes, but only because they broke mine first and I had to do what was right in order to mend my own broken heart. (It wasn’t a petty matter of “you did it first so here’s my revenge” type thing)

💖 Have you ever met another yandere in real life?

I think so? I have met someone that said they love the aesthetic but I’m not sure if they identify with the trope. I have seen and met people that have displayed big dick yandere behaviour though, but :^) Tbh I think it’s best if yanderes avoid other yanderes when it comes to intimate relationships especially.

💞 Are you the type for multiple crushes?

I’m being called out... Yes, I am. Not many, but a few yeah. Nothing that would cause me to make the stupid choice of cheating on my committed partner though. I don’t have multiple partners because my partner and I have agreed to keep our relationship monogamous, but I do certainly feel people are very much capable of loving more than one person romantically as well!

❣ What makes you snap?

Augh this is tricky to answer because my seriously bad snapping involves me going dead silent and becoming extremely cold. I stare at nothingness and my mind feels like a static TV screen and words like “bitter” and “this isn’t fair” ring through my mind and I just prefer to hide away when that happens. That’s kind of moreso dealing with trauma though I think, like, fresh trauma. Outwardly snapping though, uh, when I’m accused of lying that tends to piss me off as honesty is a very important thing to me. There are other smaller things but I can’t really think of them at the moment.

💥 Have you ever been in a fight?

Not a physical one, no. Verbal and online? Quite a few times, mostly all in the past though. I try not to engage in physical fights because I feel like it’s beneath me... and also I’m weak af lbr

👠 Do you like fancy dates?

I do!! I really love to dress up! I feel my best when I look my best, I think. I love all sorts of dates though of course! Most of the time my preference for a date is just watching a movie on the couch and eating hahah

👑 How would you like to be treated?

Like a queen~ or a princess. uwu I’m a diva, I know. I love to be treated like something magical and intoxicating; it makes me high. If I like you? Smother me with affection - in different languages though! (Mostly not physical/sexual tbh!) As egotistical and selfish this answer is, it’s an honest one. Aside from that though, I just want to be treated with compassion and respect like anyone else?

You’re nuts for sending me so many smh but also TY it is fun to answer!! ♥ Sorry to anyone who doesn’t give a shiet :^);;

#asks #yandere #lord-vain

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niamint · 7 years ago

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Don’t Forget H.O

A/N: I’ve been getting into my Demi Lovato mood and have been listening to some songs on her first album. When the song came on I was like, “damn this is would be a sad imagine,” then BAM! Here I am writing it lol. Please, please, please, give feedback! I appreciate it!

Warning: break-up

Harrison x reader

It’s been 4 months since I last heard from her. The last since I saw her eyes, her lips, her hair, everything about her was beautiful. Our relationship was so strong and nothing could have stopped us. We could have grown old together and have children of our own, but I messed it all up and now I can’t imagine a day without her. I barely go out anymore and when I do, I’m such a party downer that everyone feels pity for me. I just wish I could see her one more time.

Flashback

“I’m getting the snacks for the movie already, I’ll be there in 10 minutes.” Harrison said on the phone to Tom.

“Hurry up, Paddy is starting to throw a tantrum because he doesn’t have his candy yet,” Tom said and you could here Paddy in the background getting defensive about him not throwing a tantrum. Harrison chuckled and hung up the phone to start looking for some candy. When he found what he needed he went to register number 11.

“Do you want a plastic bag for an extra 10 cents?” The cashier said. Harrison was looking for some change in pockets and he looked up, he swore he never saw the most beautiful girl before in his life. He was starstruck for a moment just staring at all her features. How beautiful her eyes shined in the light and how her lips formed a small smile.

“Excuse me sir? Are you okay?” She said again looking a little concerned about him.

“Oh yeah, yeah I’m sorry about that… I just got distracted.” Harrison said looking straight into her eyes. She blushed and continued scanning the items. “I’m sorry to ask but, what’s your name?” I asked still looking into her eyes.

“It’s on my name tag,” she said smiling. I looked at her name tag, “You have a very beautiful name, “ I thought and to later realized I said out loud too. I could tell my face became very red and her face got red as well. We continued talking for a bit feeling that instant connection until the person next to me started to get impatient. I left and when I looked on the receipt and I saw a number on it. I got my phone out and texted her and she didn’t text back until she got off at work.

At that moment, we texted each other everyday and even met up, but Tom and his brother’s always wanted to come along. I didn’t mind, but I wished they would get the hint and just let it be y/n and I. I told them that I wanted to have a real date with y/n and they knew, but they love to butt in and ruin the romantic moments (arseholes). When they were helping me practice to ask y/n out on a real date I got really nervous, but she still said yes. The only thing was that the boys kept teasing me about it as much as possible.

A Few Years Later…

We got an apartment together after dating for a year and everything started to feel in place. Everyday I could start picturing our life together, like getting married, finding the right house for us and our future children. I got too excited to share a life with her. I was coming home from a party to celebrate Tom’s premier for Chaos Walking and when I opened the door she was sitting on the couch on her laptop working on one of her papers for school. I wrapped my arms around her watching her type away on her laptop.

“How was the party babe?” she asked looking up at him and kissed his jaw. That’s what I loved about her, she always kissed me when I got home, whether on the lips,cheek, jaw, or the top of my head.

“It was alright, but I wish you were there babe. Tom was even asking where you were.” I told her kissing the top of her head.

"I know, I wish I didn’t procrastinate on this paper, it’s kicking my ass man,” she said chuckling. I chuckled as well and made my way to sit behind y/n on the couch so we can cuddle together.

“I think you need to take a little break love,” told her kissing her shoulder and trailing up to her neck leaving a hickey.

“For how long?” she asked giving a smirk. You smirked too thinking how long her break should be.

“Maybe 45 minutes or an hour,” you said slowly getting off the couch taking y/n’s hand to go to the bedroom.

Everything seemed to fall into place and we seemed like those perfect couples you see on the screen, with some fights here and there, but always talked about it to work it out, but that one night. That one stupid night was worse than just talking about it.

The Night That Changed Everything

“Why,” was all she told me when I cheated on her. I went to the club with a couple of friends and got too drunk to think straight. There was a girl who looked like y/n and I took her home. We were making out on the couch with the lights off. I took off my shirt and so did she. Next thing I knew the lights were turned on, I felt my stomach drop when I looked at the door and i see y/n standing there shocked. I tried to grab my shirt quickly to talk to her, but in my drunk state, my vision was blurry. I got my shirt on and saw the door closed, but no y/n. I wobbly ran to the door to see y/n walking to her car really fast.

“Y/n wait I can explain!” I yelled, but she didn’t stop walking. She got into her car and drove away. I went back to the apartment and saw the girl put her shirt back on telling me how sorry she was for letting this happen. I looked at her and started to notice that her eyes didn’t shine like y/n’s or how her lips weren’t shaped like y/n’s either. She left and I didn’t feel like going to the bedroom tonight because I hoped y/n would come back in the morning.

I woke up with a huge headache and I looked around remembering that I was in the living room. Suddenly I remembered everything that happened last night and tried to look for my phone. My head was still in pain so I took some Advil and then when I found my phone I immediately called her. She finally answered after my 4th call and asked her if we could meet up somewhere. We met up at a cafe and Tom was there too. I looked in confusion at first then Tom said, “ I’m her ride, she slept at my place and she didn’t feel like driving here alone…” Tom stopped because of how much tension there was on this table. “I’m going to be over there,” Tom said and quickly left leaving you and y/n sitting across each other. Her eyes were red and so were her cheeks, I felt so terrible because I did this to her.

“Why,” she told me and I couldn’t think of any good excuse to give her. I told her everything truthfully and she just sat there listening. I felt more anxious when I finished and she didn’t reply right away. “Harrison… I’m going to start getting my stuff at the apartment tomorrow. I’ll see you then.” was all she said and got up from her seat and left, with Tom following behind. Tom looked back to give me an apologetic look, but I just looked down at the table hating myself for what I did.

Present Time

Tom and Jacob dragged me to a store because Laura was having a movie night at her place and even though I told them thousands of times I didn’t want to go, they still took me anyway.

I was walking through the aisle’s following Tom and Jacob for snacks while I just followed behind already bored and just wanted to go home and stay in bed. Someone walked into the aisle with some headphones on and was looking at the shelves. I turned to look and I swore I felt everything stopped moving and it was just us two in the world. Y/n was listening to headphones not knowing I was there yet, and my God she still looked so beautiful. I slowly walked up to her and tapped her shoulder. She looked at me and her eyes widened. She took off her headphones and you could barely hear the song she was listening to. It sounded like, “Don’t Forget,” by Demi Lovato.

“Hi,” I told her and she looked at me not believing that I here right now in front of her.

“Hey,” she said and I couldn’t think of anything to say to except for that day when we met up at the cafe.

But somewhere we went wrong

We were once so strong

Our love is like song

You can’t forget it.

“I miss you… and I keep missing you more and more everyday I can’t stop thinking about you and I’m so sorry.” I confessed with tears about to spill from my eyes. Y/n’s eyes were also watery, but she tried to keep herself together.

“I’m trying hard to forget what happened that night Harrison… but it just hurts me every time and I just don’t wan to feel that way anymore.“ She said her voice cracking in the end of her sentence.

“Then you won’t! I changed and I promise I’ll never hurt you like that again… I promise. Don’t you remember everything we’ve been through y/n?” You asked hoping to win her back someway somehow.

“I do remember Harrison, and I loved every minute we had, but I just can’t trust you again. Don’t you remember how much I trusted you Harrison? Don’t you remember that you were my first time? That you were the first that I ever fell in love with and wanted a future with? But you threw it all away Harrison because what? You were drunk and you didn’t think straight? That because the girl looked like me and just decided to take her home to fuck, Harrison? I kept thinking to myself that maybe you wouldn’t do it again, but I’m scared to be wrong… I’m scared of falling in love again because of what you did.” She told me and the tears were streaming down her face as mine were streaming too. I didn’t know what to say to that and I feel I couldn’t say anything because of how much it had affected her.

And at last

All the pictures have been burned

and all the past

is just a lesson that we’ve learned

I won’t forget

Please don’t forget about us.

“Let’s just be each other’s past okay Harrison?” she told me still tears falling down her face. I wanted to say no, I wanted to scream it to the whole store how much I wanted her back. That I would get on my knees for her to come home, but instead I just looked at her crying and nodding my head. The song she was playing, the lyrics synced together with y/n’s words that it felt like it was the end for us and I didn’t want it to be. She grabbed what she was looking for and started walking to the cashiers. She ignored Tom and Jacob, and when the guys saw me crying they went over to comfort me, but nothing could because she’s out of my life forever. Our mistakes were lessons for the next guy or girl were going to end up with. Reality hit me and I realized that I lost the girl I dreamed to be with forever.

But somewhere we went wrong

Our love is like a song

but you won’t sing along

You’ve forgotten

About us

#harrison osterfield #harrison x reader #harrison osterfield imagine #tom holland #sam holland #harry holland #don't forget #jacob batalon #laura harrier

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olliethealright · 4 years ago

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Three Steps From Home - Novel Update #2

Hey everyone! Today, I’m going to do my second update on Three Steps From Home. This should be the last update with more than 1-2 chapters, after this I’ll be pretty much caught up to what I’m writing now. This update will cover chapters 5-8, and together, these chapters add up to 4361 words. Warning, this is going to be long because I like these chapters, sorry lol.

Disclaimer: These are all my original thoughts and words, please do not steal them.

Trigger warning: Mental illness, mentions of suicide and self harm, homophobia, conversion therapy

chapter five - rest stop monsters - 1571 words

theme song - the village - warbel

This chapter is maybe the most chaotic in the book. We get the first taste of Jude being a bit unhinged and unreliable as a narrator.

summary: Jude’s mother threatens to send him to conversion therapy, which causes a massive fight between the two. Jude packs a backpack and hits the road, making it a few miles on foot before he breaks down and calls Aaron from a rest stop.

Excerpts:

Jude’s mother trying to send him to conversion therapy:

Mother clicked the TV off so hard, the rubber button got stuck in the plastic base. Her knuckles crackled as she shifted, turning the hard, unblinking stare of concentration usually reserved for priests on me. The reverence she used when looking at someone who spun God’s words like steel ribbons was gone, replaced by the look of someone who has found a dead thing in their house

“Father John and I have been talking,” she said, choosing her words carefully. Nothing good ever started with that phrase. “We’ve been talking, and we think you’re beyond our help. Beyond… normal help.”

No shit. I had been ‘beyond help’ since I was a kid, it was a miracle it had taken her so long to come to the same conclusion I had. “Okay… so what now?”

I knew the answer before I formed the words, but I wanted to hear her say it anyway. I wanted it to sting, I wanted a reason to blow up in her face. She fed my fire, she would watch as it burned me.

Jude having a breakdown at a rest stop:

I brought my knees in closer to myself and shivered, my chest collapsed in on itself and my lungs emptied. The rest stop monsters closed in; I didn’t look at them. The minutes I spent waiting for you felt like hours.

By the time you pulled into the parking lot in your used blue pickup, I was half asleep, the start of a nasty cold already coursing through my blood. You parked next to me and got out, silhouetted against your headlights so you looked like someone else.

chapter six - Duo of Trespassers - 1266 words

theme song - mars - YUNGBLUD

Chapter five is definitely kind of a downer, but don’t worry, this book likes to play with your emotions so chapter six is weirdly... upbeat? This one is kind of hard to me to describe because the mood is very back and forth. It takes place the morning after chapter five.

Summary: Jude wakes up at Aaron’s apartment, and they are now on a mission to break into Jude’s mother’s house and steal his stuff.

excerpts:

Aaron talking about his past and then changing his mind and saying nothing:

“Good idea. When I moved out, my folks…” you trailed off, but it was enough to make me turn around. You had talked about your family just enough for me to know that you had one, and you probably weren’t adopted, although even that was foggy for me. Whenever I asked about them, you clammed up, changed the subject, complimented my eyes or the new sticker I had put on my laptop. I had stopped asking.

You waved me off like it was no big deal, but something about you had shifted already. You moved like a sparrow, ready to take flight at any second. You had paled a shade, your hands wouldn’t stop moving; adjusting the string at the waist of your shorts, then to your hood, putting it up, back down again, raking your fingers through your hair as if you were trying to pull it out by the chunk.

“It doesn’t matter,” you lied to my raised eyebrows. “Today’s about your bullshit, not mine. Now let’s get moving before we lose our nerve.”

“Aaron…” I should have stopped thinking about myself then, should have told you to go to work while I sorted my shit out, should have grabbed your hands and demanded you tell me something real about your life before I met you, but I didn’t. My tunnel vision didn’t include your distress, it barely included mine.

Jude and Aaron breaking into Jude’s old house:

My mother’s car was thankfully absent from the driveway when we pulled up. I slouched down in my seat and scoured the street for snoopy neighbors, determining after nearly five minutes that there weren’t any.

You boosted me through the same window I had used to leave the night before, left wide open, as if she had wanted me to return so she could trap me inside. Your fingers were freezing as I pulled you in after me, a duo of trespassers in a room that was still mine.

seven - high on nothing - 1011 words

theme song - peanut butter waffles - ryan caraveo

Summary: This chapter takes place three weeks after the events of the previous chapter. Jude gets a call from his mother for the first time since they fought and he moved out, and agrees to take Aaron to meet her over brunch. Aaron spends the rest of the chapter assuring Jude that he isn’t afraid of Jude’s mother, and he does want to meet her. Essentially, the whole chapter is Jude having an emo moment and Aaron eating his spaghetti and begging Jude not to worry.

Beginning paragraph:

It was three weeks before my mother finally called me. Three weeks of being high with glee when I remembered she wasn’t waiting for me when I got home, ready to tear into me like a bear tears into its prey. Three weeks of feeling like I was looking into the chasm where her anger bubbled just under out of sight, ready to swallow me whole if I got too close to the edge.

Jude speaking with his mother on the phone:

“Jude?” she finally said, her pronunciation just a little off. My mother didn’t speak the language of apologies, but she stumbled through one that night. Her voice was hard as a brick wall, she was going against her better judgement, some part of her probably regretting it already. I let her talk.

She didn’t ask me to move back in, she didn’t ask me to change, she didn’t even ask me to go to church with her, which must have been a first. Instead, through gritted teeth, she said the words I never expected to hear from her. “Will you at least bring… him around the house? If you’re going to be dating, I deserve to meet him, at the very least.”

More of Jude being afraid of his mother...

I rolled my eyes and tried not to think about what my mother would say when she met you, how she would probably go after how you dressed first, and then the slight crookedness to your nose that I always thought made you more beautiful. Next, it would be: ‘does he even speak Spanish?’ And after that would come the obligatory: ‘I loved a white boy once, and do you know what it got me? An ungrateful son like you and a high mortgage.’ Then, she would pick you apart by the personality trait, by the star sign; tear you up and leave you in a heap on the floor.

Jude explaining to Aaron why he’s afraid to see his mother

“My mother is… well you’ve heard the stories. My mother isn’t nice, she’s kind of a nightmare, actually. She doesn’t have a kind bone in her body, and she hates sinners more than anything. And she’ll probably insult everything about you. She’ll definitely try to shame me into marrying a Guatemalan girl from the next town over and having ten Christian kids and sending them to church school and having a dysfunctional family that looks perfect from the outside and then dying sad and alone.”

chapter eight - black and white - 505 words

theme song - untitled - EDEN (yes I've used this song before, but it’s one of the theme songs of the whole book and also its so pretty lol)

This is the shortest chapter in the book, and it’s definitely way underwritten, so I’ll be coming back to it.

Summary: Aaron takes Jude to a drive in movie the night before their brunch with Jude’s mother to cheer him up. Aaron falls asleep, Jude drives home and reflects on his life.

Jude and Aaron being cute on the way to the movie:

You taught me words of the french you had learned in school as you drove, laughing when my pronunciation sounded more like ‘sad Spanish’. Eventually, I crossed my arms and spent the next ten minutes speaking only my mother tongue, which came back to me faster than I would have imagined after avoiding the language for years.

“Not bad, not bad,” you admitted when I finally got bored and switched back to english. “I mean, it doesn’t beat my secondary school French, but you’re getting there.”

I laughed and rolled my eyes. I had learned Spanish and English at the same time, and until elementary school, I mixed them like they were one. I was smart enough to know the difference as the words rolled off my tongue, but not smart enough to understand that not everyone spoke that way. It took my kindergarten teacher kneeling in front of me on the second day of school and explaining that his classroom was for english only for me to realize that I was different.

Aaron falling asleep at the end: (I had a picture for this one but it got corrupted so RIP)

I’m not sure exactly when you fell asleep, it was somewhere between the last (and only) good jump scare, when you swore like a sailor and then laughed until there were tears in your eyes, and the end of the movie.

Half the cars had already packed up and left before I slid your head onto one of the pillows and pulled a blanket to your chin. You shifted in your sleep, but didn’t wake. I shoved all the blankets into the passenger seat and then shook you just enough so one bleary blue eye opened. You were stretched out in the backseat, asleep before I could say anything.

Okay, there it is! I hope you enjoyed this update, because I had a really good time making it! As always, feel free to message me if you have any questions! Thank you for reading if you made it this far.

-ollie

#threestepsfromhome #writblr #nanowrimo #nanowrimo2020 #writing #writer #author #book #novel #story #shortstory #chapter #update #fun

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strawberryminho · 7 years ago

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just wanted to say i always feel better everytime i'm on your blog and i also come here whenever i'm feeling particularly bad and idk the energy of you and your blog both is just comforting to me so just wanted to say hope youre doing well and just enjoying life and everything idek what i'm even trying to convey here but i mean it lol

oh my god i really don’t know what to say im so happy and honored that i can make you happy like that’s all i ever aspire to do for anyone so thank you??!!! so much??!! im crying like i never expected omg!! and im sorry my blog has been kind of a downer these past few days you know with everything going on but im so happy you still like it asdgahah.💕💕💕and i hope you’re doing okay too these days have been hard for everyone i know so if you ever need to talk don’t hesitate to message me im always here for you 💙💙💙💙

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aliceellablog · 7 years ago

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Holiyay?

*08/10/17*

Sorry I haven’t posted for so long... ironic when you’re not well enough to write your blog about your illness aint it!?!

Anyway, I’m gonna cut right to the chase. Instagram vs real life is such an issue for me. One I probably need to get over…. It’s so hard I don’t know wether I should try and only post positive fun photos and make it look like I’m having a right old great fucking time or to keep it more ‘real’? But then no-one wants to see pics of an ill sad girl and it’ll probably just look like I’m trying to get attention.

I guess this blog is my outlet for now…

I have people who are close to me who tell me that if I post about being ill all the time I’ll never get booked for work or gigs, but then when it comes to my (failing) career as an artist I want to be real. I want to be honest and build a genuine following of people who care enough to join me on the real journey??Answers on a postcard please thanks.

So if you’ve seen the recent Insta posts you will have seen that I managed to go on holiday with my besets friends - genuine yay!I’ve never been away with friends before and could not wait to get ma body in the sun!! Oh that sweet sweet vitamin D!

But maybe I underestimated how tiring travelling was and how hard it would be…

Don’t get me wrong I don’t regret going and there were some really genuinely lovely times - that and I feel so much closer to my friends, but I’ve been back home now for three weeks and I’m just about making it to the supermarket or doing small tasks around the house each day. BIG FAT MEH.

I know I say it a lot but M.E. is so fucking frustrating!!! Because the more you push through and try and go for it the worse you get, so you physically can’t just get on with things- and the pay back is hell.

So on the way there we had the biggest nightmare…. I met Katie, Grace, Tilly, and Nicki at the airport and all was chill- I was feeling pretty shit but not too terrible. We had a bit of food at the Wetherspoons - keeping it classy - and then all went off to get out bits and bobs from Boots, WHSmiths etc - classic airport essentials!! - now… I’ll spare you the details… but I also have Crohns disease, and was not tooooo well!! It seemed that all of a sudden our gate was called… and I was… erm… busy…

I was as quick as I could be (awks), but there is no rushing somethings man!!! We were all panicking on the WhatsApp group and I told the gals I would meet them at the gate… Grace (bless her heart) said she would wait for me - she went to the information desk and told them my situation and asked if we could get a wheelchair or one of those buggy things to assist us to the gate - which of course was the furthest one away!!!

Do you know what they said to her??

‘You have four minutes until the gate closes and you won’t get there in time. You have to go now and leave your friend’ Grace being Grace said no, and waited for me. She tried to explain but they said to her ‘If she’s ill she shouldn’t be travelling’ - THANKS GATWICK - REAL BIG HELP THERE!!

Anyway… I came out of the toilets (why oh why am I selling you all this hahahaha) and found Grace - we had less than 4 minutes to do like a good 10 minute walk.

I don’t think I’ve moved so fast in a long time!! We were proper power walking through the airport and Grace would break into a jog at some points. I was fast trailing behind her shouting ‘just go!’ ‘Go on without me!’ Which of course she didn’t….

Stress levels were ridiculous, and I almost collapsed on an escalator - I sat and G rubbed my back…. After what seemed like a marathon we got to the gate… where everyone was sat chilling and they hadn’t even stared boarding yet. cool. whatever… Then Tilly comes walking up behind us as my body is shaking and I start to cry from all the adrenaline- ‘oh hey guys! you got here quick!’ - yea Tilly… real quick….LOL

By that time my legs were utter jelly and I thought I was going to pass out - very pleasant- but we all got on the plane and were laughing so hard at the messages of sheer panic in the WhatsApp group! We were all SO RELIEVED that we had made it!! I literally thought I had ruined everyone’s holiday!! - oops!! Never eating before a flight again! ;)

So we got to Spain and yet again the airport staff were assholes - I was as you can imagine feeling awful and there was a huge queue to get through passport control- I had my disabled parking badge with me as way of proof (people look at me and just don’t get it) and so Kaite and I asked if there was any where I could sit to wait for the queue to go down or any way we could go to the front. After they’d asked ‘where is the disabled girl?’ looking straight past me, and told me no, we’d had enough and just walked straight through while they shouted ‘Policia’ at us etc…. Luckily the police did not come and we went straight through!

What is it with these people?? Like even if I was a healthy girl who became ill on the plane they should WANT to help someone who is asking for assistance??

They can all get in the bin. End of.

So next was the drive (thank you Nicki for driving on the other side of the road for us all!!) to the villa and then we were there! Bloody exhausting.

The gals all then went out for dinner and I went to bed and ate a gluten free pot noodle I had packed in ma suitcase. Living the dream I tell ya!

The next day I was feeling pretty awful and chilled all day by the pool - now of course I am not complaining as I am so lucky to have been able to go on holiday at all, but that day, and most of the time actually, it was just a massive head fuck.

How was I was sat by the pool, surrounded by palm trees in the gorgeous sun, yet all I felt like doing was crying. I couldn’t shake it.

I didn’t want to be with my friends and I didn’t have the energy to make conversation, but kept trying and didn’t want to ruin everyone else’s holiday or be a downer.

Some of the time it just felt I was like having salt rubbed in my wounds right in my face. I was surrounded by four other healthy girls doing what I wished I could be.

I guess at home where I can escape to my room, and the fact that they are all at work everyday, it’s a little easier to cope.

But watching them all have fun and go out without me, and drink wine every night etc. was just a bit rubbish I guess.

I’m sure I sound ridiculous but you can’t help what you feel, and that’s what I felt.

The second night I went for dinner with them all but got so unwell I was in tears at the dinner table and got a cab home and left them to it. Fuck sake. (Sorry for all the swearing… just feel strongly lol)

I did improve a bit as the holiday went on, and my god they were all SO helpful and caring - always carrying the sun lounger out to the pool for me, and making me food when I was super tired (great omelette’s Nix!!), taking my suitcase for me at the airport, all that kinda stuff - and for that I thank them all, I must have been such a burden always having to be ‘looked after’ and I hated that. But they were beyond wonderful. Love you all SO MUCH!!

Then Emily arrived for the last few days which was awesome as we don’t get to see her as much now she’s moved out- so that was cool and we had a really lovely day at the beach which I genuinely enjoyed and did feel a little better - oh and I got duck pancakes that day too… nuff said!! :)

On the Saturday we had decided to have our one ‘night out’ -it was really nice to all get dolled up and as most of us are single now there was a lot of banter with the bar staff etc!

But again I was there drinking a Diet Coke and they were there making bloody boomerangs of them cheersing with their champagne glasses and getting drunk. God I am bitter!! hahaha

How do I always end up writing about my long to get drunk on this blog haha…. I just really miss it I guess… It’s hard cos my personality is so full of get up and go and lets go get drunk and dance!!! But instead I get to a club, can’t drink and all I think about is where can I sit down and what time shall I get a cab home on my own.

Wow… I really can complain huh!!!

On a positive note- I did have a dance that night!! Ok it was for maybe like 2 songs and it was more of a side step LOL but it felt really good! … and again…. Bar staff were on fleeek - for a laugh Nicki and I went up and she dared me to ask for his number… which I did…he was like the most gorgeous man I had ever seen!! But he had to get a woman over to translate as he didn’t understand a word I was saying and then when he did give me his number he asked if I spoke Spanish… to which I said no…. Most pointless exchange ever but Nicki and I were dying laughing and then just kinda ran away! I felt 13 again!

Then Grace did a high kick on the dance floor and fell flat on her face - and got glass in her hand. Doh! Oh Grace- your dance moves make me so happy- man I wish I could do crying laughing emojis on here!!!

-Don’t worry, Grace got looked after! After being told she would need stitches by the bar staff, she ended up in A&E but came home a mere plaster

Anyway I am rambling now -

After that night again I felt terrible and didn’t make it out to dinner with the gals but was glad I had made it out in the first place. I sat and ate chocolate watching the sunset instead. All good ;)

Then the journey home of course was pretty rubbish - British Airways you suck balls. - We pre booked assistance on the way home after our first ordeal! But this then meant waiting on the (very cold) plane for another half an hour, then being wheeled to a dark hallway and being left sat there alone (no staff anywhere) for about 45 minutes. We got so fed up that Katie found a few wheelchairs and stole one- I mean if they’re not gonna help we will help ourselves… it was at that moment that the buggy arrived and faffed about for a long time and then took us through passport control etc. LONG. Would have probably been less tiring to walk but then you never know how far it is!

After hitting my head at the train station I arrived home to Sussex where my mum picked me up.

Then HOME!! Oh the joy!! Bed with my cat! YAAAASSSS!!!

Unfortunately the next day I had hospital in the morning but it was to see a consultant I’ve been waiting forever to see who is giving me a trail of some new medication.

I don’t want to get my hopes up so am trying not to think about it but my god I am PRAYING that it might just help! - I’ll let ya know ;)

So now that I am back in London I am back to trying to do small realistic tasks each day and build back up from there. It’s depressing. It’s frustrating. It’s lonely. But it has to be done.

Much love for anyone who has actually read that!!! Means so much and am just trying to turn a negative into a positive - I enjoy writing this and hope that someone in a similar situation might be able to relate, and that someone who has never heard of M.E. might gain a little understanding.

Please get in touch if you wanna chat :)

My website: www.aliceella.com

Insta: @aliceellagram

MWAH x

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