#unaccepting parents /

[sinningvin]

man

my family is very unsupportive. like. VERY. like so bad they are making sure I don't have safe spaces, I cant even experiment with my pronouns or name online or with my friends, they get all upset when I go to a supportive friends house, they keep making fun of the fact I want to use my name rather than my deadname, they keep comparing gender to race, they also will be poking fun at gay people, they have openly said the f slur, they say the only reason im trans is that i have internalized misogyny as a result of the patriarchy, that i probably have internalized racism too because "if you want to be a guy only for the privileges of being a guy, what if race becomes a construct soon and then you say youre white?", and I cant even make the excuse I have gender dysphoria because, and I quote, "And if you have trouble going back from he/him to she/her, then that really says something about how your environment effects you" basically saying that if I'm dysphoric its because im misogynistic and my school is misogynistic and how im easily influenced by people and you school is full of trans people who fake mental illness and that because I finally have friends of course I want to impress them. Its so bad that that even my therapist is starting to wonder if me going to a hotline or using a name in secret at school (already did that, parents said that they would be really upset if that happened and went on a rant about how basically the school is so disrespectful to cisgenders. I had to stop because I was having panic attacks daily due to the fear of my parents finding out.) be best because I actually have nowhere to go and all my friends live far from me. Its so over for me dawg :(

[la-principessa-nuova]

I need someone in my life other than my family. Right now the only people in my life outside of transactional relationships like coworkers (I have had actual friends at work before, but not now) are my siblings, who I talk to most weeks, and my parents, who I vary between seeing a few times a week and daily.

But outside of them I have nobody, which makes me feel very dependent on them for emotional support, even though they’re not good at that. And the truth is most of the stress in my life is from them, and the rest is from things I need to unlearn from dealing with them.

Strap in for another long rambly venting post.

For whatever reason, my parents are extremely judgy and I’m only starting to realize the ludicrous extent of it now. In preparation for coming out, to make it less jarring, I started showing my hand a little (I mean that as a playing cards metaphor, not literally) and trying to allow femininity wherever it didn’t cross the line into presenting femininely.

But the thing is, my parents’ line for what I’m allowed to be is a perfect trace around what I’d been. I started off so simply by just wearing a shirt with some bright colors. It wasn’t even anything out of the ordinary, like I see men wearing shirts like this any day I go out in public, but they absolutely freaked out about it.

Like I walk in and immediately get the comments where someone says something looks bad without saying it looks bad, so i do the normal thing of explaining it as I’m trying to wear more color and that I knew they’d be surprised by it but basically politely asking them to get over it and move on. So any reasonable person would think, “OK, I told this person I don’t like their shirt. I can move on.” But they didn’t.

My mom then proceeded to refuse to drop the topic the whole time I was there and keep trying to explain why it’s objectively bad and trying to reason that her opinion was fact, but my dad just gets in this bad mood where he’s grumpy about it and any time I say something to him he makes a joke or comment about the shirt before responding.

So after a bit of waiting for them to get over it, I went home and cried.

So then a couple months later I’m now privately wearing a more feminine pair of glasses I prefer but wearing my old pair when I leave home so my parents don’t see the new ones. But I’m getting sick of my old ones because they feel more masculine to me now (even though both pairs are technically labeled as gender neutral) and because honestly the style is about 15 years out of date at this point.

Side note: I just went to look up something about my glasses and on the manufacturer’s website, they’re listed as women’s glasses, but on the site I bought them from, they’re listed as gender neutral and have a photo of a male model wearing them. Either way, I think gendering of glasses is pointless and I’m only even looking into it now because I’m trying to be technically right for when I argue with my parents that I have the right to wear the glasses I like.

The only thing explicitly feminine about my new glasses is that they’re rose gold colored, and even then only fading into rose gold on the sides and a bit of the front, with the rest being normal gold colored, so after a while I decided I wanted to just get a second pair in the regular gold color and start wearing those instead.

So today they arrived and I was very excited, but I was going to see my mom at an event in public and didn’t want to have to deal with her reaction during the event, so I didn’t wear them until afterwards, when I went to my parents’ house. Again, I anticipated some initial comments. After the last time I even anticipated some hostility, but they were just blatantly rude on a level I don’t understand. Like I couldn’t even believe they were like that because if I was ever like that to somebody in front of them they would yell at me for it.

Once again, my mom tried to explain why she’s not liking them as an objective truth, but my dad was even worse, just repeatedly talking about how he didn’t like them. This time, I pushed back and said basically, “OK, I figured you wouldn’t like them, but I do, so you can stop saying it,” and even in response to that, after saying how he just can’t help but point out the truth, he continued repeating himself about how he just doesn’t like them.

Like, sure, if he really does not have the self-control to not say when he doesn’t like something, fine. Whatever. I can deal with him saying it once. But if someone has explicitly told you they’ve heard your opinion and please stop saying it over and over because it’s hurtful and saying it again is just bullying at this point, it is bad enough to argue that it isn’t bullying, but to keep saying it? IT’S A PAIR OF GLASSES, and they’re on MY FACE.

I found myself in the situation I often find myself in when I have a bad dream where my dad is being a jerk, where I just want to scream back in his face and swear and let out all the anger I have towards when he acts like this. In the dreams I always do it and it feels so good, but in real life, I think of the consequences.

I wanted to shout in his face that he can take his opinions and fuck off, go home, and block his number. But I had just taken the first bite of my burger so instead I said

if this is how you're gonna be, I'm gonna finish my burger and go home, and I'll see you on Christmas. Have fun taking care of your mother's dog.*

and it didn’t have the same punch behind it (edit: idk reading this back, maybe it kinda did???)

And I left out the worst part. Lately my dad keeps looking at me with this look like he’s worried and disappointed about something. I’ve been wondering if either he saw something and found out I’m trans or is starting to suspect it from the things I’ve done to stop limiting myself to the tiny box they’ve put me in.

In response to my glasses, after telling me they looked like they’re for girls and me explaining that they’re gender neutral just like all my previous glasses, he looked me dead in the eye and asked, “Are you gay and not telling me?” Not the usual “If you’re gay, you can tell us,” or the preferable, “If you’re gay, we don’t have a problem with it.” It was “Are you gay and not telling me?” with a face like he was interrogating me about something I’d done wrong.

In the confusion after that question and me acting offended by it rather than answering and my mom chiming in that it’s not an appropriate thing to say to someone in response to their glasses, I managed to avoid answering, and managed to just brush it off as him being mean about my glasses when he asked again (exactly the same wording).

Ignoring how NOT OK all of it is, and how NOT OK I was after this for a moment, I want to unpack why this question is so difficult for me in particular. As a closeted trans lesbian who has trouble lying especially to my parents, this is a very difficult question to be asked for many reasons:

If I say yes, the implication is that I am a man who likes men, which is just completely wrong.

If I say no, I’m lying, which is completely the right thing to do, but especially in the shock of the moment I can’t handle.

If I explain the actual truth, I have to come out as trans, which is especially difficult when my dad fully buys into the transphobic conspiracies, and on top of that doesn’t even remotely understand any of it to begin with, because even before this recent push of extra transphobia, back when he tried to be accepting, he got confused and would ask things like, “Trans woman? Does that mean boys dressed as girls or girls dressed as boys?”

The fact that the question is always gay and not trans makes me wonder why they always say it that way. Because even when there’s implied acceptance in the question, it’s still acceptance of being a gay man. Which is less of a technicality than you might think, because their acceptance of gay people is way further along than their acceptance of trans people. So it makes me wonder are they thinking trans in their head but saying gay so they don’t promise acceptance they can’t give but can ask the question? Or is the idea of me being trans so unthinkable that they see me being feminine and wonder if I’m gay? Or do they still think trans is a type of gay?

It’s hard to open up to people who have historically been so judgy of me, and especially when they’re in the middle of judging me.

It’s hard to open up about this stuff in general because my whole life I’ve avoided talking about my romantic feelings and gender IRL at all as a result of being conditioned from a young age that if I mention a crush on a girl I will be teased for it (and in my dad’s case sometimes within earshot of a girl that I consider a friend and he started teasing me about when I mentioned she exists, starting when i was too young to even like people yet anyway), and being rewarded for being more masculine and teased for being more feminine.

It just makes me want to cut off all contact when they do things like this, because every day I spend so much effort trying to live up to their expectations and so much effort trying to unlearn that these expectations because they’re overly harsh compared to what most people think (e.g. never wear any pants other than jeans, khakis, khaki shorts, or swim trunks), and on top of that I have to mask my gender and mask my neurotype, and it’s just too much to keep up with, and if they weren’t in my life, I could just deal with the issues that are actually issues.

It’s also just like, if this is their reaction to new glasses, what are they going to say when I come out?

I don’t know if that’s the end of this rant or not, but I’m falling asleep typing now so I guess that’s it.

* This is in reference to the fact that he kept asking for me to adopt his mother's dog, who she was struggling to handle, but knowing that I have a very strained relationship with her and don't want her in my house, which she would very much want to come visit if her dog lived there. (edited in later for clarification)

[cluster-fandom]

The way that I will never have the relationship I want with my mother because she sees being queer as a choice and a sin. She’s not even mean. She just…. “doesn’t agree with the lifestyle.” She doesn’t say slurs, she won’t treat anyone coldly, she doesn’t go out of her way to avoid queer people/things. She just….. ignores it really. Which makes me really, really sad. She will never see me or my friends for who we are, just her preferred illusion. I love her dearly, and she truly does try and most of the time succeeds at being a good mother, but she will never love who I actually am. She will never see all of me.

[epilepticlesbian20132017]

NEED ADVICE FROM LGBTQ+ PEOPLE WHO ARE PAKISTANI OR WHO DATE PAKISTANIS:

My girlfriend is 3/4 Pakistani & 1/4 Afghani. We’ve been together 8 months & last night she came out to her parents as bisexual. Now, her dad was super calm & said what any parent would say & just told her that they love her & just because we’ve been together for 8 months doesn’t mean we’re going to be together forever (so, I totally respect the man because he’s looking out for his daughter). Her mom yelled at her & pulled out all of the religion stuff though & said it’s not acceptable in any religion (my best friend is 100% Jewish & I’m a 1/4 Jewish, so I know in certain sects of Judaism it’s accepted & I’m also Catholic & Protestant). Her mom also threatened to send her back to Pakistan to make her learn more about her religion & that every weekend she doesn’t spend with her family, her mom is going to come to spend it at her apartment with her. Then, today her mom blamed her for her blood pressure going so high that her dad had to take her to the hospital. I was wondering if anyone had any advice for how I could help my girlfriend or reason with her parents. I’ve done some research on Pakistani & Afghani culture, so was expecting this reaction, but was also hoping since they’re both doctors that they’d be more accepting

[serpentface]

What's the Wardi cultural take on Akoshos sleeping with/partnering with/marrying other Akoshos?

It's not highly regulated to a degree that there are overwhelming cultural norms about it. There's a lot of societal focus on akoshos being theoretically suitable sexual partners for both men and women due to being dual-gendered, but not to an extent that relationships with One Another are stigmatized.

They also largely get to escape from the most severe concerns about penetrator/penetrated power dynamics because they're not regarded as Men (they're regarded as dual-gendered, and they're a female social class on every practical level), there's no status of manhood to Lose by receiving sexual penetration. The only real thing you see in that department is people assuming that one acts as 'the man' and one acts as 'the woman', but this is largely due to preoccupation with a notion of sex being Penetration With A Penis (and that Penetration With A Penis means that one person is in a Man's Role and one person is in a Woman's Role). But this will not be regarded as unnatural as in same-gender male relations, akoshos will Have to take up a position in this sexual dichotomy if they want to have Real Sex (Penetration With A Penis) with each other, and this is not unnatural and doesn't involve gaining or losing status since they are simultaneously male and female, not men.

So like you might see individual culture critics finding stuff to nitpick about it as their annoyance of the week or a singular Guy here or there who thinks it's weird, but this isn't a widespread norm. The vast majority of people don't give a shit about akoshos having sex with each other. The worst thing you're likely to experience Solely by virtue of being in an akoshos-akoshos relationship is someone asking you (probably with genuine curiosity) which one does the man stuff and which one does the woman stuff.

Akoshos also don't experience Hard expectations for marriage (though there are societal pressures that make marriage an attractive safety net all the same, ESPECIALLY marriage to a man) so unofficial life-partnerships between akoshos are pretty much the Only same gender partnerships between unwed people that are going to go unquestioned. ((Sworn brotherhood is technically a same gender life partnership for men that is Functionally similar to marriage (in that it's a kin-making practice between unrelated adults), but the tradition is Built upon the assumption that both parties will be married to women and that a primary goal of this kinship is to provide security for both parties' wives and children)). Marriage obligations in general are more lax in the economically secure but not Wealthy lower mercantile classes (as obligations to support and perpetuate one's family are universal, but these obligations can be filled simply by having at least One son who can get hitched, and marriages in the lower classes have no political functions and therefore there's less reason to ensure All your children are wed (there's still incentives like dowry, but this is not desperately needed when a family is economically secure)). So akoshos in this class group tend to have a Lot more freedom in terms of their life arrangements and chosen partners (though still experience the limiting frameworks of structural misogyny in other capacities).

The only thing that is out of the picture is akoshos/akoshos marriage. Marriage in this society has a predominantly reproductive function, the concept of reproductively non-viable marriages is generally considered absurd. This is not JUST this culture's form of homophobia, as marriage is a very practical arrangement at its core - both in a reproductive capacity and as bedrock for the patriarchal blood-kinship family system that forms the core social unit. The idea of same gender marriage isn't just absurd because 'ewwww weird' it's like, that Cannot work within this system, it Cannot fill core functions of what a marriage intends to do here, the ways on which marriage and kinship are BUILT makes same gender marriage practically (rather than just socially) untenable.

The sole exception to the 'marriage = reproductively viable" rule is that akoshos can be married to men (which in practice is almost always as a remarriage after a man has secured At Least an heir). This has a Little bit of internal logic here in that they perform predominantly female social roles (thus are suited to being a wife, even if they can't bear children) (and also on practical levels of them having the same legal status as women) but it's really more of a 'this is just how it's always been' kind of thing. A lot of the older pre-Wardi identity dual-gender roles that got mashed together under the 'akoshos' name would have involved marriage to a man as a second wife/concubine, in addition to his primary wife who would bear his children. Men potentially having multiple spouses has not been retained as a cultural practice, but the notion that an akoshos Can be a wife to a man has survived into modern day legal and doctrinal practices around marriage.

So like this being said, marriage as it is legally defined is only between a man and a woman, a man and an akoshos, or a woman and an akoshos. In practice the latter two are comparatively VERY rare- a man/akoshos marriage cannot provide children (though an akoshos can practically fulfill all other obligations and duties of a wife), a woman/akoshos marriage Can provide children (and while akoshos cannot function as a male heir, these children Will take their akoshos-parent's family name (though the wife retains her father's family name)), but akoshos are legally grouped with women in terms of rights and privileges (including being permanently under legal domain of their father unless they have been legally handed off to a male husband) and Cannot provide hard power patriarchal support that this family system is built upon and therefore depends upon, which makes these marriages socio-economically insecure. They can obviously still be a good partner and parent, but this is not the same as having the Legal hard power of a patriarch.

Akoshos marrying each other would be reproductively and socially nonviable, and is treated as a similarly absurd concept to a man marrying a man or a woman marrying a woman. It's just not a part of the marriage and kinship framework, it's not a thing that you can Do.

[yuri-is-online]

I’ve been skimming through fluff fics lately, and a fun little realization popped up in my mind. It’s not often people talk about the downs in a potential relationship with the twst boys. For the sake of a more realistic perspective, I’ve got to ask. Who do you think is most likely to unintentionally hurt Yuu and why? - 🦐

Hello my shrimpy friend! So nice to hear from you, hope you're doing well. Fan fic in general isn't very focused on portraying the negative parts of a relationship because it's a form of escapism. People don't necessarily want to picture themselves in a bad spot in a relationship if they already are in one in real life, yk?

That being said making mistakes is part of any relationship so I do have some thoughts! They/them used for Yuu as always, this is angst so proceed with care.

Azul- he doesn't have the healthiest mental framework surrounding friendships, and you do need to be friends with your SO to have a solid relationship. An actual relationship with Yuu would probably have a bumpy start as you two try to feel out what the dynamic is actually supposed to be. Take it slow and everything will be fine, but there might be some hurt feelings along the way. And a lot of assumptions from other people about your relationship that don't help either of you.

LEONA- he's a rude ass bitch who doesn't have great manners I am so sorry to this man. To be fair though I think a lot of that rudeness would be something that would take place before the actual relationship, because I firmly believe if it's pointed out to Leona by his partner that he has communication issues he's more than willing to work on that with them. He would be a good boyfriend! It's just all the conversations up to the actual going out that's painful and might ruin what he wants before he actually gets it.

Riddle- so I don't think Riddle's treatment of Yuu is what might hurt them exactly, his issues as always have to do with his mother. He needs to figure out exactly how he wants to deal with his childhood trauma and his adult relationship with her, but that's going to take a lot of time and personal growth. Mrs. Rosehearts seems like the type to try and continue running her son's life after he graduates so I can't see her treating Riddle's partner well. Going no contact with an emotionally abusive parent is really hard for their children to do, Riddle needs love and support but the journey can be emotionally draining for the person giving that support.

Sebek- again with the family thing. His parents sound like wonderful people but his Grandfather seems to only like his grandchildren because they're half fae and still actively hates his son in law. I can't see him treating Yuu any better, which I could see being very draining since Sebek and his grandpa are very close. It could also be a chance for Baul to change a bit, which would be nice.

Cater and Idia- I'm making them share a spot because similarly to Leona I think the major hurts would be caused pre-relationship, but unlike him I don't see their communication issues as being something that would affect the relationship in the same way going forward. Cater has a lot of insecurities and can be a bit shallow, but he is a good friend so once he accepts Yuu as a safe space to speak openly and honestly I don't see them as having too many issues. Idia is also shown to be very open and honest with Ortho, his self hatred, temper, and inferiority/superiority complex just get in the way of him letting anyone else in.

In general, a lot of the twst guys have communication issues which is something people can work through, but would still cause some pain. Something to think about I suppose σ(￣、￣=)

[fiona-fififi]

If they are not actually going to address the elephant in the room of Eddie's parents legitimately being fucking villains for this bullshit, I am going to be livid.

[piplicious]

im allowed to have a diy rarepair too

[saturnniidae]

The urge to give modern au Hiccup the name Håkon and have Hiccup be a nickname but also it's so fucking funny to me when modern aus have his full legal name be 'Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III' in the 21st century.

[sammygender]

wrt dean hitting sam and how its obviously something with an established history of happening from the way sam acts about it (‘you satisfied?.. guess not’ ‘take a swing’ etc). i personally think this has been a pattern in their life pretty much forever. wait i ended up saying way more in the tags im gonan make another post i think

[klingonrealitytelevision]

Just one more thought please bear with me on this.

I think Kazuki and Rei have fundamentally different wants when it comes to Miri

Kazuki sees her and immediately sees a bit of the life he wanted. He was prepared to have a child, to nurture and care for one. It's clear from the first moment he meets Miri, he's compassionate and caring and paternal.

Rei is not.

Rei sees her sort of like a pet or an inconvenience his roommate has brought into their lives.

Until he doesn't.

She tries to make him smile, to break the spell that someone cast on him. Remember, he never denied it was an evil spell, maybe his upbringing kind of was a curse?

Kazuki thinks, and outright says, it should be instinctual to want to care and nurture your children, to want to protect them. And on some level sure, but look at her birth mother. Not every parent has that. Rei didn't, and it's not like he has any visible parental instincts besides one.

He wants to protect.

To protect her smile, her laugh. Maybe just her childhood in general. Rei can't express it very well, but he likes to see her happy. One thing a lot of people with rough childhoods want for their own children is to provide things(services, goods, experiences etc), their own parents failed to. Rei sees a child smiling because of him and his actions, clearly wishes he had that growing up and decides he won't let someone else cast that same evil spell on her. She's allowed to smile, she's allowed to feel safe and to have a parent who is a hero, not a villain.

Kazuki sees a second chance at the ideal life he thought he couldn't have. He didn't have parents, so now he's going to be The parent. All the things he sees on TV, media and his own experiences, he's going to be all the things someone wasn't for him. And he's going to be the best at it, all the gaps he was missing? He's going to fill them. He doesn't just want Miri to grow up or be happy. No, he wants her to thrive. He's raising the best person you've ever seen. She's gonna have as many opportunities as Barbie on his watch. She's gonna say " I wanna be a Space Animal Doctor." And with no irony he's already planning her graduation party. It's ridiculous, but he's gonna be supportive to the best of his ability. Something he didn't have growing up, and something he's lost once before...

[sinningvin]

JUST thought my mom was gonna do a one eighty because I asked about my pronouns. Wrong. She just said she was gonna propose to my dad that we as a family use they them for me. She said I won’t be using he him and that she doesn’t understand why I hate being called daughter, but still said she was gonna do it. And just when I thought maybe she changed and I was in the wrong.

[fischerfrey]

web weaving; ares & leda gaunt, part I

[eggswords]

When I was younger, I used to hate bees.

I was taught that they were dangerous

And angry

And wanted to hurt me

And it kept on like this until

One day

I saw them attacking

But it was not out of rage

Nor spite

Nor hatred

It was out of hurt

And suffering

And protection of those they love

And I realized

That it was not them that hated us

But it was us that hated them

Because there were not us.

Nowadays I love bees.

I know of their existence

They know of mine

We do not need to look at one another

We do not need to befriend eachother

We just coexist

We are different

And that is okay

And we are happy.

[caffeinatedopossum]

I'm starting to feel like bpd is actually just what happens when there's an overlap between adhd, ptsd, and depression- which I think is much more common than physciatrists think

I have a lot of theories but also like I need to do way more research on this before assuming things because I know this is already a greatly stigmatized disorder and I don't want to erase anyone's experiences or make it worse.