#uhhh vent over
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mini houštiny update
stránky snad budu mít buď dneska nebo příští týden hotový (zpoždění://)
příští týden určo půjde komiks do tisku
budeme mít ale ve středu maturák, tak to bude dost šílený
v úterý jsem dělal sítotisk:] viz foto motivu co se pak vysvěcoval:], pak sem hodím i nějaký foto textilu až budu mít hezký fotky
budu ještě dělat plyšáka hvězdy a plakát (snad risografií!!)
mini houštiny update over, pak dam asi vedet az se pujdou tisknout strany atd
#v osobnim zivote jsem mel tenhle tyden emergency jak svin#nemam tu na tumblru snad zadny irl followers tak snad muzu sdilet#popravde je pro me ted hodne tezke se primet na cemkoliv pracovat nebo cokoliv delat protoze jsem psychicky vyrizenej#usinam kolem devate po dnech nic nedelani#s tim ze tenhle mesic odevzdavam maturitu takze se fakt bojim ze to nestihnu#uhhh vent over#houštiny
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no promises anymoooooreeeee i'll appear online when i appear online 😭 every time i say "ooh i think life is almost done being overwhelming!" it. becomes even more overwhelming in the dumbest ways. all i can manage rn when i'm not stressing myself into a shut-down state is staring at the wall while listening to youtube essays + mindlessly crocheting.
i might queue up ppls art and fics w/o commentary in the tags... i want other ppl to see what all of my cool friends have made, but i genuinely can't think right now with this monstrous brain fog. i'm really sorry, just. yeah. maybe i'll think of some way to make it up later!!! once the dust has settled!!!! but until then i wuv u and miss u. smiles.
[venting in tags including familial manipulation and ableism. i. didn't mean to write all of that, thiss was originally going to be a main blog post but. aaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!
also no need for replies or anything, i'd turn them off for just the one post if i could kjsndkn, i just needed to get things out and go eep jsjndsfdn ok bye bye bye bye!!!!]
#goddd my family finds it sooooooo funny that i can't do basic tasks! it's soooo funny that i can't even think of a horror movie to watch#on halloween bc i genuinely can't remember a single one right now. it's soooo funny that i can't take cardboard boxes or#old furniture out of my room without help bc i've physically and mentally and emotionally burnt out for Months.#and me not being able to move shit out after two (2) days makes me a hoarder somehow. and ofc hoarding is a moral failing#and my mom has to give me a stern talking-to about hoarding things... that were. again. in my room for 2 days....#[tbc it isnt a moral failing no matter the reason. life is hard and things happen and it can be hard to get rid of things for Reasons.]#nevermind them making constant snide remarks about me using ugly 'mismatched' desk / storage furniture. bc it was free / cheap? no income??#AND!!!!! i have a couple of new diagnoses. which doesn't change much day to day but it does make my family making fun of me#even more dumbfounding. like. this explains a lot of really scary unexplained symptoms that constantly leave me#housebound for weeks but uhhh haha hehe hoho??? so silly so funny that i'm barely conscious for multiple weeks???#and you can see that i'm getting worse but that makes it funnier??? hmm!!!#also nevermind that i've told them the exact reason why i've been like this (read: them) but that ALSO makes it funnier somehow.#but i also can't say shit bc they're doing something ~nice~ for me (out of convenience + after almost a decade of 'don't get comfortable'#and 'don't decorate this room bc it isn't yours' and 'you need to be ready to move out by x date'#only for the date to arrive and them to pull the 'i never said that. and if i did say it i didn't mean it like that.#and if i did mean it like that i don't anymore.' card. + any big renovations are things they wanted anyway. hmmmm!!#and how i have to do all of the phys labor alone bc if i ask for help i get made fun of!!! and yelled at that i'm doing things Wrong#(hint: i'm following instructions to the letter but. my family knows better than those silly things!! ^^ ))#jfc i sure did rant. uh. yeah. things. are really weird and uncomfy and i feel thankful that i finally can have my own things on display#outside of closets and bins again after a decade?? but i'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop / them to tell me i owe them in#some way??? bc that's how it works. 'i'm doing a nice thing you didn't even ask me for so now you have to do whatever i tell you to.'#meanwhile i can't even maladaptive daydream my way through it bc my brain is soup right now. can't remember basic things abt#my interests bc i've been on negative battery / spoons for a couple of months straight and it's only getting worse.#OKAY TLDR i'm not in a state to do anything until everything irl gets settled. and i'm trying So Hard to get it all over with but there's#only so much i can do in a day before i completely shut down. i didn't even get into the insurance stuff i've been fighting too ughhhh.#so if i show up on here in short spurts -- hi! bye! hi!! i wuv and care u!!! hope youre well mwah mwah!!!!!!! i'll post what i can and then#disappear when i need to recharge. it is what it is. i need to try to sleep now... uh if this post disappears when i wake up.... yeah......#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -
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it just makes me want to curl into a ball and cry
#rambles#uhhh i closed my eyes for a second and now this???#i refuse to believe it#i hope it is just a misunderstanding#but tbh i should have seen this coming#ptmyg#i dont wanna#like. again???#over and over again???#im tired of this#everytime. every fucking time.#vent
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i have to go back to school on Thursday I’m gonna pull a dazai i actually can’t chat. i hate school. like, actually hate it so much.
#bsd#bungou stray dogs#dazai osamu#vent below#Istg if my cousin fucking sees this (don’t look at my vent you little rat /srs)#I actually hate school. It’s not even a joke I hate it so much. The amount of fights I’ve had with my mom over my grades is ridiculous#the amount of fucking genuine panic attacks#It always gets worse when school starts back up. I can’t deal with it.#it stresses me out sm I hate it#I don’t want to do this.#It’s not even like I have bad grades. The worse I’ve had was a d for a time. It got bumped to a c tho that’s not even that bad.#i hate math.#I hate everything AHHHH#Dazai kinnie:3#This post looks very bipolar uhhh#sorry for the vent#I might vent more later. Idk.#I might just draw. Who knows.#I urge to post all my vents that have been in my CapCut drafts is strong rn#but I’d feel bad.
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#Okay gonna let the anxiety brain take over real quick#And just vent and say i hope i wasnt being too like. Dismissive relating stuff to fandom stuff on my previous post#Like hopefully it was clear that im trying to be like. Idk people talk about the power of fiction but then dont do anything so like. Do#Something....and i keep waking up and seeing a fuckton of notes and im like okay....this is an opportunity so i might as well take it and#Hope people listen you know....but anxiety brain so thats why im grtting the anxiety part out too okay.....#Anyways. Yeah hope i phrased things right and didnt like. Make things about myself so yeah uhhh good morning
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WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE FROM CALIFORNIA
#uhh more venty shit down in the tags#likee tw for csa or grooming or whatever idk#like uhh my bf (a complicated topic) is from california#and uhh yeah basically i have an ex gf that i broke up with bc I'm a shitty person#and i cheated on her with predators multiple times ykyk#and a) wanted to avoid guilt b) obviously staying with her was wrong c) she's a really good person and i wanted to feel worse so ykyk#and uhh we're still close friends#she really should hate me bc stuff but oh well that's a vent for another day#and yeahh a while back when she came over and we started talking mental health shit#and i impulsively was like “hey how about we troll this bloke that has been trying to get back in contact with me?”#uhh he's like 38 or something and uhhh we sexted for like a day .#while i was dating my current boyfriend.#wow i really am a shitty person#and then yeah we had been texting a little for like the previous 3 days#so me and ex gf kinda went along with whatever he was saying#until he called and realised there was 2 off us and blocked me#ANYHOW YEAH HE WAS FROM CALIFORNIA#and after that event i randomly started feeling intense hate for ex gf every once in a while???#I'm not exactly sure why but oh well that did happen#and anyhow yeah a few months ago#like just before i broke up with her i think#she recommended the song dogbird by madds buckley#i nearly cried when i listened to it lmao it's far too real#i really recommend it#but yeah i was already like pushing her away at that point and that song is basically about that#(also very sapphic)#and yahh this morning i was feeling Sad and i randomly remembered this song and i was like “damn that's on topic ima listen to it again”#it's even realer than i remembered lmao#and yeah guess where the girlfriend-that-was-pushed-away was mentioned to be from in that song?#FROM FUCKING CALIFORNIA
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can’t we be something more?
realized that acrylics were fun to work with and made a little vent piece just to get some emotions out on paper
#broooo romance suckssss it shouldn’t be this deep jesus fucking christttt#IM TRYING SO HARD TO GET OVER HIM PINKY PROMMY BUT GODDAMNIT IT SHOULDNT BE THIS HARD WHAT#anyways uhhh at least i had fun making this it was nice putting aside the horrible love life i’ve got#my art#art#vent art
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honestly i wish people could realize how much this first skypainting event really means to me
#msm#my singing monsters#whiz bang#whiz-bang#the third image was originally made as a vent piece but over time i was actually starting to appreciate it for what it is#because honestly it really is why i love this new event so much#as ive had the displeasure to grow up alongside people who would never appreciate me if i told them who i was on the inside#and seeing my absolute favorite game actually caring for who i feel i am really makes me wanna cry tears of absolute joy#anyways uhhh sorry for vent-ranting in the tags for the 716282828th time cus no ones gonna read this in its entirety except myself so lmao..
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Currently trying to live with the crippling fact that I will never be a man one day and that I am stuck being a girl forever like I won't just be able to live another life as a dude, but I'm doing it in a cool way!!!
#i like being a chick for the most part it's just#OUGH. ERGH.#It isn't even the way I present myself it's just like... I'm perceived exclusively femme all the time and it's so tiring I'm over it#this is sort of a vent / rant thing UHHH I'm sorry 😭#reblogs r fine btw#not that big of a deal#lillian's textposts
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;; realizing how much i've changed as a person since i first made that promo post and have become terrified of annoying people to the point of just acting reserved all the time instead of acting excited
#; out of character#anyway uhhh hi again#ive been talking to like the same four people on discord for the past couple years because of this ;w;#y'know instead of getting over my shit#but. im...trying? i guess?#anyway if i annoy you at all just unfollow me and block me please#so i dont have to go through the same embarrassment over and over again when i try to talk to you as a friend but you dont see me that way#vent#i guess?? kinda?
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,,
#yeah no im still super skeptical q has actually done much bts#from what we know from the union (whos word i actually trust) hes at minimum fired one person (likely whoever 'jay' is-#-bc they damaged qstudios image with their stunt on twitter)#and that nobody has even contacted the fired admins after over a week?? literally no communication#great look for the qommunication smp....#< tone indicatior slash sarcastic#like sure the awards are cool but based off previous bias from whichever admins pick stuff for like clip comps?#im expecting at most 4 awards for the french creators (maybe 5 if they give 1 to kamet0)#out of 20+#i feel like theyd give 1 to each so they cant point at it and say ''look we are including them!!''#also uhhh#'“ill keep you guys updated'' <- quack1ty when he lies#he said this during the update stream abt labour issues... and then complete silence.. wheres the updates...#also the award prediction thing is just my being super cynical based on previous happenings on the server..#yes im being negative but i have nk reason to expect any more or better from the server admins tbh#me to qs/mp admins: go girl give us nothing!!!!#im tired of ''just wait''ing :///#citric complaints#<< vent tag
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i live
#im off work for four days and become active again HAHA#but also. hi y’all i know it has been a minute 😭#this has been a crazy year (and it’s still not over…) but im feeling much more confident/comfortable at my job these days. so—#—much less stress in that department than before#uhhh got a bf. flew across the country for bf. broke up with bf. normal activities for tumblr user noramoons#all that being said 😭 i think im in a good spot to start being somewhat active again :)#and !! i’ve been writing !!!!! it’s a christmas miracle !!#one fic dropping either tonight or tmrrw…the next will be a while later since it’s a series but y’all. i am SO excited to keep working on i#AGGHH forgot how fun writing can be. anyway. life update over i hope everyone is doing well and staying safe n warm this holiday season !!!#and if not - my asks and dms are always open if anyone needs to chat or infodump or vent <3 I MISSED YALL#beck.txt
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godh i am just. completely hopeless at friendships lol i just cannot seem to keep them idk what im doing wrong
#well. apart from the fact that i sometimes go mia for days at a time and dont reply to messages#vent ish#LOL. idk i think it might be Over with * :) uhhh. which is a little sad :)#rlly thought i had found like a Friend yk buttttt i guess not 🙂#isaac.txt
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....i'm like super tired of being depressed, you know? i'm just fucking sick of it. like, hello?? i'm literally the happiest i've been in years, right now. fuck off. i don't want to have trouble finding the will to get out of bed in the morning. i don't want to constantly daydream about hurting myself whenever my brain's not busy. i don't. I don't want to want to.
and gosh, i do not want to feel like my chest has been hollowed out whenever i'm by myself. ...i don't want to be scared to look at my own future all the time.
#personal#ughh emotions#it's depression baybeeeyyy#love it love it 🙃#vent#vent post#uhhh what else so people can filter this out .?#idk#sorry#lmao unfortunately the idea self harm got stuck in my head again a while back and I've been having trouble shaking it loose#can't get it out of my brain haha#like i really really want to#so i just keep finding excuses to put it off--do it later you can't do it now--over and over so hopefully i do it never#¯\_(ツ)_/¯#weeeeeee!! i love my brain and i love being alive!!!
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22 and 23?
22.
1. You have been their first me for a long time that I never thought I needed you this much up to this very day, and I love that you are still with me..
2.we laughed and cried over stupid dumb shit but my god it was so worth it being on calls with you at night, and I hope to do more since I miss hearing you talk,,,I know you’re busy or your sleep schedule is wonky or even when you go back to college in 2 months��it won’t be the same when you’re not around
3. I hope some day our creations will become a real thing for everyone to see and how much developed ment we done, let’s hope I don’t get side track <:3 thanks for being patient with me 
23.
1. You caused me nothing but anxiety, making not step on eggshells when we were friends since you would be a dick over my opinions on stuff you say or when I stand up for myself. Sending me stupid memes as I’m unsure if you’re okay or you’re pissed off at me
2. You made me want to off myself that night last year cause you let you mental health get the best of you and jump into conclusions that summer night . You’ve done this too fucking much to where I was done and tired, I’ve seen it all before and at first yes we were young and dumb but this…no I can’t do anymore…
3. I don’t care if you’re sorry…you’ve hurt me again and made think I’m a shitty person and friend…to others maybe not but cause of you I’m back to thinking If I am just a shitty person, don’t even think I forgot what you told me “you’ll be alone” “nobody would wanna stick with you” fuck you and I hope you get help���.
#ray rambles#uh….sorry about that….#vent (????)#im still not over that friendship…even if I miss it I hate missing it…#uhhh…back to normal ahahah!! let’s drop this <:D#ask game
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knowing why a snake bit you does not heal the bite wound, nor does it mean the biting never happened.
knowing why someone hurt you does not magically fix the wound, the pain. it'e still there- it still happened. explaining yourself isn't terrible but you can't just stop at that. if you only ever explain yourself and say sorry, you're not healing or fixing anything, just absolving yourself of guilt to feel better about yourself. it does nothing for the hurt person.
intent is all well and good to know, but it does not actually change anything. yes intent matters, but it also really doesn't.
#sorry if this made little sense- I'm tired and can't get this out of my head#it's an issue I have with a lot of people- I think it's a weird communication thing because no matter how many times I try to explain it#they just don't get it. it doesn't click for them#they're just all like 'oh well I apologized and already told you I didn't mean to hurt you- why are you still butthurt?'#and it's like that's the fucking point. I know WHY you did it. but the wound is still fucking bleeding and I was still hurt.#you can't take something back and hit ctrl-z just because you “didn't mean it”. we can't turn back time.#time goes on. and the wounds eventually scar over with so so much nerve damage that I have to be the one to be careful around#I'm the one that has to be careful of the ugly damage and scars they inflicted on me. not them. ME. I do.#and it never gets easier. I get used to it- but it's never easier.#anyways#jesus wow that was a rant alright#sorry 'bout that#uhhh#tw rant#vent post
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