#ugh. whatever. i don't care. (cares a lot)
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lady-harrowhark · 5 months ago
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went home for lunch, got out of my car and realized that someone had left me a little gift in the form of a piece of some sort of industrial metal cabling, which they have helpfully used to tear through the front bumper of my car. they even ripped out the grille to make room for this new acquisition, very thoughtful!
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backpackingspace · 3 months ago
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Hey this just in? Ptsd sucks balls
#Oversharing on the internet times#Ptsd#-10/10 don't recommend#Ugh#Need my brain scrubbed and shaken out#I would like a new one please and thank you#I promise I won't let this new one be tortured I'll be extra careful#Love how my subconscious has decided that I'm just the worst person on earth all my dreams lately are like#Hey what if you were monstrous? What I'd you personally committed horrific acts against other human beings?#Let's explore that reality in hd#These aren't even the fun nightmares where I can convince myself I'm not seconds from throwing up they were so bad and can decode them#And do dream work with them#Those nightmares always end up having really cool symbolism and are helpful in deeply deeply meaningful ways#I am willing to suffer those nightmares I have made my peace with them it's like a game almost#These ones just shake me up for fucking days and become a never ending spiraling cycle ugh ugh ugh#It's like my intrusive thoughts were made I to a TV show fuck#Me: slightly rude to my gf#My brain: what if you were the same level as evil as rapist#Me: great I'm going to throw up and claw my skin off and have a panic attack thank you brain that was super fucking helpful#The way that my brain is convinced that I'm evil actually is sure is....#Well. It. It seems like my brain learned to abuse myself that it's doing the work of my torturer for her ten years down the line#Mm. Hate that thought a lot actually going#....I was actually going to keep these tags fairly short I wanted this post to be a vague haha ptsd sure is something post and not#Spill my guts in the tags again but what else is new have done this for years so whatever
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cielosuerte · 18 days ago
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something distinctly sad & frustrating internally about watching someone go through something chronically awful & similar on the face of it to your own horrors & wanting to reach out and talk to them about it to offer support & knowing that by nature of the similarity that is almost definitely the last thing they want/need & so you have to sort of watch from afar and psychically beam your words at them and hope it clicks soon
#the paradox of never wanting to be a burden. of becoming someone that doesnt annoy anyone#is that you feel guilt for talking about the pain with others#and so. you falsely but understandably think isolation will be the perfect solution#''if i isolate then im suffering but if no one hears about it no one cares and no one is bothered so i win''#is a fundamentally cruel take. is the thing. and it is so hard to accept that because of the guilt and the feeling that there is no winning#but the thing is when you isolate and suffer people are now both worried about you and feel discarded. feel hopeless. etc.#and i dont think you should do everything for others. and i think when you are making choices for others it is worth being#realistic about what you are deciding for them and knowing when it is irrational#bc the thing is people do care and that does feel uncomfortable#and you do feel guilty for people being ''bothered'' by your suffering#and i understand the instinct to say no! the point of me isolating is so you dont feel bad about me! stop caring!#thinking this is the righteous thing to say to someone when really it is just something that hurts to hear#i'm still learning it too. i'm not perfect at it. i'm chronically suicidal and always going back and forth with myself about all the horrors#two things:#1) guilt is not absolute as an indicator of rightness. learn to recognize when it is lying to you.#2) the best way to unburden yourself to others is to not kill yourself. to find hope or curiousity or whatever will keep you alive and#grab it fiercely with both hands. to start to be kind to yourself when it's hard and to at least recognize the goodness of others#instead of cruelly dismissing them. i don't think therapy is the only answer or even the best answer. i think too much is too expensive#to suggest anything that isnt something you can do on your own#and it is fucking hard and feels impossible and you'll have a lot of bad moments with it but like. i know you can get to a place where#you're not cured but you're not cruel anymore. and it gets easier from there#ugh none of this will ever get to that guy but i just really wish him the best and ill respect his wishes and not think abt it anymore#but just for the record that does hurt bc i care about people and it sucks when im not allowed to but thats his perogative and#he is his own person and i just really hope things look up for him soon bc hes cool and has nice art
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circus-k · 1 month ago
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i think i have to kill someone.
#WHAT.WHAT . WHAT. WHAT .#why would you bring something up from so long ago and then blame the (then) five year old . what . WHAT . HUH. weird. weiirrdddd.#so you knew? you knew? and instead of being like wow that's Not Normal you demonise the toddler that's probably...... idk.#kids don't Do That what a weird fucking thing to bring up out of NOWHERE just to immediately brush off#i think i have to kill you. i think i have to actually kill you now.#speechless. flabbergasted. i cant even talk about it its so WEIRD. CRAZY. CRAZY THING TO BRING UP#oh my god. if a child was being Like That i would assume the worst and insist someone look into thing and make sure the kid is SAFE????????#jesus. damn. what thebhhell. HUH. if its about what i think its about. it wasnt their fault? at all?#stuff Like This is complicated but jesus. JEEESSSUUUUUSSSS. dont even bring it up this late#if you KNEW. oh my god. IF YOU KNEW??????????#rant#oh my god. extremely vague do NOT ask About It i cant even. jesus. why would you keep something like that to yourself#or use it as 'gossip' or . whatever the FUCK she was doing???#idc if you have your own shit to work through. GROWN ASS WOMAN. you should've approached it with kindness and understanding? and figure out#if help was needed? its not my life its not my anything but that kid is my friend who i had to take care of instead of you FUCKING ASSHOLE#if i KNEW i wouldve at least tried to help. to understand. i hope you die a slow painful death in an empty room cause you cut everyone off#and then turned around to be WORSE . i'd tell you to killyourself but any possible method would avoid you like the damn plague#WOW. that was a lot my bad. pissed the hell off#you say shit about the kid that I!!! had to basically raise cause you were too busy being a judgmental piece of shit. ugh. grrr.#''wow thats so weird where did they even get the idea for that behaviour'' man idk but wasn't it supposed to be your job???? TO FIGURE IT OU#fuming whatever. whatever. none of this is news to me she's always been insufferable#rant .#vent#WHATEVER.#it was so long ago it just.#no reason to bring it up#but if you knew than you should've tried to do something#but you didn't. cause you're cruel and egotistical#and everyone you know hates you. and if they don't you take advantage of them.#what a woman. thanks for teaching me to go through the world with so much hate
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gayjaytodd · 3 months ago
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lee-hakhyun · 1 year ago
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i'm fine (simmering with rage)
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elytrafemme · 6 months ago
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every day i think about the fact that i abruptly got really angry at my college friend and blew him off and then thirty minutes later texted him like hi can i come over and watch horror with you despite it being like 1 in the morning. he was really cool about it but like i don't know why i'm always doing that haha
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wayfinderships · 2 years ago
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IM SO NORMAL ABOUT HIM...
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byanyan · 1 year ago
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the want to reply to everything all at once so much that you overwhelm urself trying to figure out what to reply to first... so u get tired and frustrated and give up before u can do much at all. that's it, that's what i've been dealing with, i finally figured it out
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ambreiiigns · 2 years ago
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brother's top almost-10 slasher-esque movies that i made him watch coming to you live except we feel like we're forgetting something
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skrunksthatwunk · 1 year ago
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kinda drives me up a wall when people go "hey i think x action in a war/combat scenario is inhumane and cruel and shitty" and someone responds with "oh but within the laws of war it's allowed or there's procedure for it etc etc". it doesn't have to be a war crime to be unforgivable man it's a shitty rulebook anyway
#like whether or not something's bad isn't determined by whether or not it adheres to arbitrary rules people made up and never obey#i thought we all knew that already. c'mon man. get a grip#obviously war crimes are bad but that's not where the badness potential ends y'know#this post is due to my dad talking about smth i sent him mentioning US troops firing on a bunch of guys in smth on deserters and he was lik#well they're not like citizens or refugees or deserters they're retreating enemy combattants. so it's different.#it IS different but isn't it still like. overly brutal? idk.#like would you want them to pursue Your ppl regardless? are they not allowed mercy just because you proved stronger? your positions could#be swapped easily and you'd think that as fellow combattants you would feel that deeply. idk maybe i'm just too soft or whatever but like.#seems stupid to me. war generally seems stupid to me but this specifically right now seems stupid to me#yes i know there are practical concerns and sacrifices in combat that make sense when you're actually there and me saying there should be n#wars and we should make it a fucking priority to not have wars doesn't mean ppl already in a decision-making role in the field should do#what i (an idealist) would do. they're responsible for minimizing loss and shit. whatever. doesn't mean it's not fucked up anyway.#and that's assuming the best case scenario for a leader in such a position. usually they just want to minimize Their side's losses. usually#by maximizing the other side's. or they just want to win and will sacrifice anyone for it if it's practical#which happens a Lot. usually it's a mix of the latter two to my understanding#as if americans' lives matter more than anyone else's and the other side doesn't have a right to mourn bc they offended us somehow#ugh that shit irks me so bad dude. there'll be like a terrorist attack in europe or smth and the news'll be like#ONE AMERICAN WAS KILLED. and twenty swiss. THE AMERICAN WAS VISITING FAMILY THERE ON SUNDAY MORNING WHEN TRAGEDY STRUCK etc etc#fucking hate that. i don't care if they're on 'my team' or whatever they're all equally human and equally dead#why the hell should i care if one of them was an american. just say 21 people died. like i get reporting on it briefly ig to like notify#ppl At Best but like. it's so grating. why can't you be normal about other people fucking goddamn you#why is this a controversial statement. why is giving a shit about people killing each other (often for like 10 ppl's financial gain) wrong#like. come on. i don't care if they 'deserve it' or whatever because i don't think they do. and even if they Did i don't think it's#America's Time To Step Up!!! every time smth like this happens (but only when it is financially beneficial to us to do so#such that we ignore atrocities all the fucking time bc it's inconvenient. we're not superheros. we're cops.)#not saying america shouldn't do anything bc like. idk. you screw everyone over to have all the power maybe you should use that influence fo#good. but my definition of 'good' is wayyyy way different from everybody who's ever held office here apparently so like. nuts to that#eugh. anyway im cutting myself off here rant over. for now
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malusrecord · 11 days ago
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((I'm really fuckin sad that I feel that I'm not able to engage with a fando/m that I truly love and adore with all my heart---or that my engagement isn't wanted within said space, to be a bit more precise, close friends know more concrete details and I won't go into it in full here---and how it's such a strongly cemented impression (and some bad experiences have not helped, nor has the size of the fa/ndom which makes things even more limited, complicated, etc) and my main blog has been suffering as a result. I hate it.))
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amplexadversary · 2 months ago
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.
#dot post#ignore Morg#morg rants#9/10 times when I see authors write ''compromise'' as a theme they do it wrong#what you're writing is SUBMISSION you fucking fascist#If I am ''compromising'' on something I have either found a solution where everyone can get what they want#or I am being compensated in proportion for NOT getting what I want#this can take the form of a MUTUAL submission but you need to make that abundantly clear or else I'll think you're a wannabe petty tyrant#a character submitting to someone's wishes to [whatever] and finding out they like it is not a compromise#A compromise is ''if you go with my to this party I'll spend the same amount of time playing the game you like but I don't with you''#And if they like the party hey nice but you still need to like. Do shit THEY want to do you know?#I see it in romance I've seen it in childrens' media (a LOT) and I see it when the writer wants to write a ''difficult'' character#but actually instead just wrote an extremely believable Autistic or ADHD character who is actually extremely in the right#basically all the time but is punished by the narrative#ugh I wrote two versions of this rant and this is the less inflammatory one#but I really want to emphasize that most of the time when ''compromise'' is a recurring theme or gets a lot of attention in a work#is when I decide that I would never trust the author or the work's fans with even the tiniest bit of power or ground given#other people can make that mistake#I'm sure I've seen it done right before but that's the thing; if you do it right it registers as something much more egalitarian#and it doesn't end up STICKING OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB#Whenever I see another fucking ''learning how to woman like a womanly woman womaning'' story I start feeling homicidal#gender is actually a horror that we accept as mundane and as someone who LIKES other horror#I think that gender needs to become as niche and uncomfortable and ''weird'' as something to care about and participate in#Yes that's the spark that set off this rant it's gender#it's always fucking gender shit I am haunted by the fucking mirages people see when they look at me#I should go to sleep because now I'm tired AND annoyed
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vamptastic · 2 months ago
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i know logically that my endocrine issues would make a pregnancy very bad for me physically and emotionally but i do feel pretty hopeless at the idea of having a child through other means. if i end up with someone willing to carry a pregnancy, i don't care about using a sperm donor, and i suppose i could theoretically find someone willing to volunteer as a surrogate if not, but those possibilities are both well, possibilities. realistically if i want children i will need to adopt and i am very, very disillusioned with the state of adoption in the US. hell, i don't even know how likely getting approved even is for a transgender jewish person, even if i didn't have an ethical issue with the concept.
foster care is probably what i'll end up doing-i mean, not that foster care is great, but BEING a foster parent is generally morally good-but it does bug me a bit to never be able to raise a jewish child. i wouldn't want to impose my religion on a kid with their own background and beliefs but it's important to me and if i raised an infant they'd certainly be raised jewish, though of course it's ultimately up to them what they believe and do.
just. in this country and society the only way to guarantee you can raise a child in the legal sense is to birth one yourself. and i physically cannot do that nor do i particularly want to. but i do love kids and i would like to have a kid. kids are cool they're like, little guys. they're fun. and also raising children (well) is generally like, a morally good or at least not bad thing to do imo. and also, wtf else am i gonna do with my life, that would genuinely be important and matter to me more than say, a successful career or the opportunity to travel. but every time i think about it it seems logistically impossible and with a lot of people even mentioning that i want kids someday makes them immediately think of me as either a mother or a predator. shrimply tiring.
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nochepsicodelica · 4 months ago
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Mornings with the clingy bear (Toji my beloved <3) when he wakes up before you, but there's no agenda for the day so he just gets to watch you sleep until you wake up on your own. Despite how much he dislikes when you sleep in without him, being able to admire your peaceful, sleeping features makes up for it. Who would ever assume that this sleeping princess could be capable of wreaking so much havoc, but also be the one screaming mayday? He swears you'll give him a heart attack one day. He's too old for your insanity, but god, he wouldn't ask you to change a thing and he's not dying to get away from you. Quite the opposite, actually. The closer you are, the better.
He was careful not to move too fast, to not wake you up as he traced your dormant features. Green eyes roamed over your lips, your cheeks, your nose and your eyes. He had to fight the urge to not roughly drag you closer towards him and squeeze the life out of you.
Your eyebrows pinch and your nose scrunches, your eyes still shut. "Ugh, it's like you're pointing a laser at my forehead," you croak, pulling the blanket up to cover your face. You're stirring under the blanket, on the brink of waking up. If Toji were a dog, which he's not because he's a bear, his tail would be thumping against the bed <3
You throw the blanket off your head, a lazy smile on your face that heavily contrasted your tone from a couple minutes ago. His attention causes you to giggle. He's so focused on you, it's hard not to laugh.
Finally, you're awake so he can pull you closer. You're already touching, but you're not wedged together and that's exactly what he needs in this moment.
"What's that giggle about? Huh?" He asks, pulling your body right up against his. His nose pokes your cheek, his lips resting on the space just below it, luring another laugh from you.
"You woke me up, like you always do, Toji. I can't ever sleep in with you," you say, no bite to your words at all.
"That's too bad, isn't it? It's why I tell you to go to sleep at a reasonable time yet you still go to sleep past midnight, hm?"
"Whatever."
"Mhm, whatever," he says, copying you. "Whatever, until tomorrow morning when I do it again, but with less mercy."
You groan and turn to face him. You can't even be annoyed with him when he looks so good.
"There are so many things you can do without me in the morning," you say, cupping his cheek, your thumb brushing his skin, affectionately. "You can... go on a walk or watch TV. Ooo, you can get breakfast going so that when I wake up, it's ready."
He mimics the gentleness of your touch on his cheek, his palm rubbing your lower back. "Don't wanna. That's boring."
"Tojii," you whine, removing your hand from his face, attempting to turn away from him.
"Without you," he corrects, using the hand he has on your back to prevent you from getting too far. "Why make breakfast alone when we can do it together?"
"You mean I cook and you either just watch or you get in my way?"
"You know it, mama," he says, pressing a kiss to the corner of your lips.
"It's literally eight in the morning, Toji. You should be thrown in jail for disturbing my slumber," you say, attempting to distract him from the color that spreads onto your cheeks.
"Nah, you'd miss me." A smug grin creeps its way onto his lips.
"Mm..." you hum, acting like you're unsure if that's a certain fact. This is you wreaking havoc. You say and do a lot of things that drive him crazy, and now—with proof—even just humming out a response will do that to him.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing at all," you say, the hint of a smile on your face.
"No?" If Toji were a dog, which he's not because he's a bear, his ears would be down and his tail would no longer be wagging </3
You sigh. "I'm messing with you. You know I would miss you like hell."
"Oh, really?" He scoffs, in disbelief. "You're ice cold for that, mama. Need me to warm you up, huh?" He says, gliding the hand he has on your lower back across the expanse to grip your waist.
You put your hand over his. "Nope. This blanket is keeping me warm. It does the job just fine."
"I'm better than the blanket," he argues, rolling onto you, unexpectedly.
You groan before you laugh at the feeling of the spontaneous weight laid on top of you, your chest barely able to move with the gesture because of the iron-like hold he had on you. An unbreakable bear hug, if you will :(
"Toji," you say, voice strained yet still managing to muster out your giggling. "Toji, you're crushing me."
"Mm..." he hums, dismissively. He buries his face into your neck, sparing some kisses for it while he listens up close to the sound of your groans of being compressed, mixed with laughter, as you try to push him off. This is you shouting mayday after the chaos you made for yourself and Toji has no intention of swooping in to save you from himself.
You eventually surrender, because all your pushing is futile against Toji, who wasn't moved an inch by you. Lying on you and holding you so tight was beginning to backfire on him. He was starting to feel more like a heated, weighted blanket on you, now. It was reeling in your tiredness, again.
"Mmm... I could fall back asleep like this. Please, can I, baby?" you mumble, shutting your eyes.
"Yeah? Now you're comfortable?" He asks, teasingly, while watching you relax under him.
"You're warmer," you admit. "And clearly more suitable for cuddling."
"You're trynna butter me up, aren't you?" He says, sighing into your neck, tiredness returning to him as well.
"Maybe... One more hour, baby. Please? All I need is one more hour," you say, bringing your arms up onto his back. "I won't complain later when you make me take a nap with you," you add, to further bribe him. "We can do anything you want, too. Nothing is off limits." You turn your head and press a kiss to his temple.
He sighs, nuzzling into the crook of your neck. "It's hard to say no to all of that. You gonna be real sweet to me later today?"
"Of course. I'm gonna smother you and be so disgustingly affectionate that you'll want to sleep on the couch tonight for some separation."
He bites. Being loved on by you anytime sounds like a dream. Space will never be his response to your affection, when he thrives off of it.
"Fine," he grumbles, like it was hard for him to come to his decision. "Only one more hour. Gonna stay here, though, since i'm already comfortable."
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pomefioredove · 5 months ago
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if its ok can i request a overblot boys and ruggie and kamil with a reader that just forgets to eat? like they can go the whole day without eating then suddenly they just get dizzy cause they haven't eaten and when they get asked why they passed out/not ate they're like "lol yeah i forgot to eat my bad gang🧍🏻" they're just so nonchalant and act like its whatever😭its ok if not if this makes you uncomfortable!! Love your blog pookie and make sure YOU eat properly💥💥
ahh... just like me fr. this ask actually reminded me to eat, thank you!
summary: reader who forgets to eat type of post: headcanons characters: riddle, leona, ruggie, azul, jamil, kalim, vil, idia, malleus additional info: romantic or platonic, reader is gender neutral, reader is yuu, mentions of food and not eating!
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Riddle is also guilty of this
it's not that he's neglectful, it's just that...
...well... he's a little neglectful
it's usually Trey who has to remind him to take breaks from studying
none of that will stop him from scolding you, though
"What were you thinking, going a whole day without a meal? It's no wonder you're always so tired!"
expect lots of snacks from him after he's done berating you
he sends someone every day to make sure you've had something
(both a blessing and a curse)
you'll be in your room then suddenly Che'nya is there asking if you had lunch yet
and if not, you'll be recieving an invitation to Heartslabyul for tea
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Leona can't be bothered to ask why you're always so... out of it
he just assumes that's your personality
he even teases you for it, once or twice
then Jack offhandedly mentions that you rarely eat until dinner, and he gets all... worried
Ugh
suddenly, his room is always stocked with your favorite snacks from Sam's
what? no, they're not for you. he's just taken a liking to 'em. but you're welcome to have some if you'd like
his act is unconvincing
"What? Stop looking at me like that. I'm not some sap. I'm just making sure you don't go passing out on me,"
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Ruggie is worried that Crowley's cut your food rations
he'd been mooching off of you for a few months now, after all
plus, he knows what it's like to go hungry
of course, he doesn't outright ask. he doesn't want to embarrass you or anything
he just... casually offers to split meals and comes over once a week with half of his forage greens
"What, this? Nah, I just had extra. What, you're complaining about free food? Shishishi,"
you repay the gesture by making him a few meals, and it becomes a little tradition between the two of you
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why, oh why, does Azul have to care about you so much?
he's become familiar that exact look on your face; distant, dizzy, disoriented...
and he's caught himself mid-scold far too many times
"Have you no sense of self-preservation? You can't keep relying on others to care for you; you'll only be taken advantage of,"
...and, of course, he's the poor soul who cares for you
he convinces himself that verbal reminders cost nothing
then he starts sending the tweels to make sure you've eaten
and then he insists you drop by the Mostro Lounge at least once a day
it's not that he's giving you his time and energy for free
he's just making an investment in you!
that's it. NOTHING ELSE! (<- lies)
(cue tweels giggling in the background)
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poor Jamil
first Kalim, and now he has you to worry about, too?
of course; he has no obligation to help. that's what he tells himself
nothing will happen if he just ignores you
...except that sinking feeling in his stomach
Sevens, help him...
he starts letting you help around the kitchen
just... tidying up, doing the dishes, etc
and if you happen to want a bite of what he's cooking? ohoho, who is he to deny you the chance to test for poison?
(feigns to mention that these dishes have already been tasted)
"Good? Why, I'm flattered. You're welcome to help any time- how about tomorrow?"
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Kalim will never pass a chance to host
you offhandedly mention that you forget to eat sometimes? just come over for breakfast!
and lunch
and dinner!
and you'll stay for dessert, too, won't you?
he's nothing if not gracious, and he has a penchant for taking care of others
he likes feeling useful, after all
just be ready to give him your full thoughts and feelings on every dish; he's already making a mental list of your favorites to serve every time you come over
"Hungry? No problem! We have all your faves waiting for you. What music do you want to listen to while we eat?"
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you know that Vil loves you, right?
so, so much?
good. because that love makes him want to shake you
of all the stupid things...
it's no use trying to hide it from him; you could look and act completely normal and he'd still see right through you
he can just tell
he has to restrain himself from threatening Crowley into letting you stay at Pomefiore so he can care for you
Vil believes you're capable, after all. you just need a little push
"I've set a daily reminder and stocked your kitchen. Remember that some food is better than none. If you need me for anything, I'll see to it as soon as possible,"
you can expect Epel and Rook to ask if you've eaten, on his behalf, every time you run into each other
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Idia sets like, 30 reminders in your phone
he knows as well as you do that three measly alarms won't be enough
...he, too, is guilty of forgetting to eat
he probably makes you a custom alarm sound and everything
a little pavlovian conditioning never hurt anyone, right? it's basically no different than training an AI
...or something like that
will send Ortho over to check your vitals every once in a while
"it's NBD. can't have u losing all your lives on me. who would tolerate me then?"
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thank your lucky stars it's Malleus who notices your drowsiness first and not Lilia
Malleus, at least, will find you something edible to eat
he's trying to keep you alive, after all
he's very sweet and gentle about it
soft little reminders, nudges to keep you awake... he will up and leave a dorm meeting if he realizes he doesn't know if you'd had anything yet today
Malleus is very conscious about human mortality, and is very... delicate about it
he's just a little overprotective, that's all
it mostly comes to sharing little treats together every now and then. it feels less awkward when you're together, after all
"There is no need to thank me. I'm simply happy to spend my time with you,"
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