#tw: toilet humor

[your-daily-snl]

Slingshot, starring a man (Kenan Thompson) who is unprepared for the terror-inducing heights of a carnival slingshot ride.

Original Air Date: 2023

[dude-the-ancient-dragon]

Ok so I have been persuaded to finally share

The Poop Story

on Tumblr dot com. Hold on to your butts.

Ok so I was at work on site A. I get a call, there's an equipment failure on site B and I need to check it out, it's important but not urgent. By this time I was the whole IT department for a major food company for the whole city.

So, I get my stuff ready and start heading out. And then It hits: The twist. Everyone knows the twist, it's your lower intestines letting you know there's a bullet in the chamber that it needs to fire. But im in a Hurry, so I decide to just make the fifteen minute drive and drop the payload on site b.

This was a mistake.

Halfway into the drive the twist hits again, and it's Bad, I need to go now . It is by this moment that I understand that this is no normal bomb, by lower intestine is baking a loaf of pure evil. Im getting the twists, the hot sweats. Five minutes more and im exerting considerable force not to dirty my car.

My folly hits me, I should have gone to the toilet back on base. Im driving into site Bs parking lot and im crossing my legs and tightening my abdomen, so I don't explode right there and end my social and work life forever.

See, because I worked in an industrial setting, there were strict protocols to enter the site. The security personel knew me by name and face, but they still could not let me in without authorization from the warehouse boss, and today of all days that asshole is not answering his phone.

So im exerting all of my physical and mental power not to shit myself there, covered in cold sweats and shaking. "He's not answering, let me try again Dude" says the guard. My Ki is focused on my sphincter, im non verbal, all I can manage is a weak thumbs up, my forehead nearly making a hole on the concrete building. They could probably tell something was deeply wrong with me but I was beyond the capacity to notice or care, im fighting my own battle and boy I am loosing.

A couple of minutes of waiting and the sense of impending doom hits me. "Im gonna have a butt baby" I said to myself. "Im gonna give birth to a butt baby in this guardhouse and there is no human power in the world that can stop it. I am dead, Im walking and shaking but I am dead."

And that's when the man answers. Yes Im allowed in obviously. I don't wait for confirmation, I sprint inside, race to the bathroom knocking over man and beast aside, sit down on the throne with a fraction of a second to spare.

You know how when you go to the toilet, you do your thing and you feel satisfied? Good? At peace? It wasn't one of those. It felt like I was exicising a tumor, like I was giving birth to the antocrist. I carved my name on the porcelain with my fingernails. When it ended I was in pain and crying, It was out, now the healing can begin. All I need is to flush.

And it wouldn't flush. I start to panic. It won't flush. I dumped a biohazardous lump of hate, It needs to go before it kills us all. I try washing my hands, there is no water. I recite the mantra of a thousand fucks. This will kill the whole building.

Thinking fast, I do the only thing I can think of, rapidly improvise an "out of order sign", stealthily tape it to the toilet door and pretend nothing happened. On my way to the failed hardware (I was there to work after all) I find Charkoe, the head of maintenance.

"Hey Charlie, since when is the water out?" I ask in my most casual of tones. I did not mention it was me who essentially made the entirety of this postal code unlivable for the next decade..

"Since today, in the morning, should be back in the afternoon" He does not suspect a thing. I need to leave right now. So yeah, I fix the printer (label stuck in the roller, simple) and flee with both stealth and haste. Before making it out I notice, to my horror, the cleaning people where going into the restroom I had marked and immediately ran out, gagging.

I was not back there for the rest of the month.

[inchling-prince]

Which of the time twins do y’all think is the “does gross shit to get on his brother’s nerves” twin?

The can’t stand to lose at roughhousing so he licks the arm holding him down so the winner releases him in disgust twin? The holding in a fart so he can crack ass right next to his bro twin? The “I licked every muffin so you can’t eat one” twin?

Like I want to say Acronix because he’s a god damn gremlin, but then I feel like I’m underestimating Krux’s mischief level. Maybe it’s both of them and it’s just a constant ebb and flow of gross revenge pranks.

[sins-of-the-sea]

"Hello?? Excuse me! Whoever is producing this show? Can you delete the footage of me in the past half hour? Of me running around with a catfish on my head, naked, and covered in leeches? I'm asking nicely it be removed please!

"Or else I'm breaking into your homes and pissing in your cereal."

[dragonskxn]

(Sins of the sea) Overheard at the farm:

Guy: “FLY, YOU IDIOT!!”

And then Ruixiong flies… across the field after trying to escape a very agitated Angus.

Annalise glances up from where she's feeding the chickens, watching Ruixiong fly across the field after Angus barreled into him like a battering ram.

". ...Maybe he'll land somewhere that'll break his fall ..." She says with a wince.

That either meant into a hay bale, Smudge's pen, or into something not-so-pleasant.

[bear-man74]

Matt i miss you..

If you're the Matt I'm looking for, you might remember the jingle.. yes i haven't forgotten about it..

P-h-a-r-t, p-h-a-r-t, hop in the spider limousine, p-h-a-r-t

P-h-a-r-t, p-h-a-r-t, that smell is coming from your bum, p-h-a-r-t

P-h-a-r-t, p-h-a-r-t, lick that gum right off his bum, p-h-a-r-t..

I never forgot when i moved away..

Childhood friends..

[thiefnessman]

welcome to stupid post central our topic for today is this song i thought up while on the elevator. read it to the tune of that call-and-response military song

I don’t mean to be so crass

(I don’t mean to be so crass!)

But I like shitting with my ass

(I like shitting with my ass!)

When my mood is in a slump

(When my mood is in a slump!)

All I need’s to take a dump

(All I need’s to take a dump!)

Sound off (1,2!) Sound off (3,4!)

I like to take A SHIT

[patchiko]

I can't stop thinking about Princess Mononoke AK!Jason, dude is just so feral and full of anger just like San, but I like the idea of that famous scene:

"I'll cut your throat out and that'll make you stop talking!"

"You're beautiful."

But with a reader who had never seen his face before, maybe they save him and he scold them for it and threaten them, but reader is just to mesmerized and busy losing blood to care.

YOURE FEEDING ME DAWG— I swear i needa write a fic of Ak!Jason and a Civilian!Reader or smthn cause youre so rightfjorbdkdjdjd.

but i dont think ak!jay would threaten someone he cares about. it’d make him feel like his time with the joker rubbed off on him too bad :(

HOWEVER. short fic of this bc i LOVE THIS so BAD

“You’re So Beautiful.” / Eyes Are Windows Into The Soul Ak!Jason SHORT FIC SFW

tw: blood! not super in depth! but reader has a not detailed wound!

NO BETA, I DIE LIKE A REAL NIGGA!!

What you did this night will always be unequivocally, undeniably, unmistakably, DOWNRIGHT, stupid. But was it worth it? A little.

JASON was grappling across rooftops as fast as he could to his bunker; your wound wasn’t a death sentence but needed to be tended to quickly. His arm was wrapped around your lower waist, body tightly pressed against his as he zipped across Gotham. Jason had adrenaline rushing through him, especially because he could feel your warm blood seeping onto his clothing. He was so quiet, it made you wonder if you were gonna die, but tried to rationalize it with the fact that he’s never been much of a talker. He landed on a roof and propped you up against a wall as he unlocked the door that connected to the top of his bunker. Jason kept his eyes trained on you through his mask, you were light headed and his Hood showed that your heart-rate was higher then average as well. Obviously really use to this kind of action, he wasn’t sure if he hated himself for getting you involved in his Gotham gravity or the fact he couldn’t protect you. It was BOTH.

JASON wrapped his arm around your waist, then threw his other under your knees. Princess carrying you down to the bathroom. “My knight in shining armor?” You joked as he set you down onto the toilet lid, trying to ease both your nerves just a bit. “Not funny.” He grunted, crouching down under the sink to grab the first-aid kit he had under it. “Understandable..” you said meekly in return. Jason kneeled besides you, quickly making work on disinfecting the wound. “Not a big fan on dark ‘poorly timed’ humor?” He paused, and took off his helmet, damn thing was too detailed for him to see properly. He needed to work on stitching this, not know your god damn blood type and parents. His annoyance peaking, he responded sharply “I’m not a big fan of you stupidly jeopardizing yourself for me.” he knew not to look at you, just fucking knew not to. You were gonna say something— you had to—he cant— he fucking looked. They say the eyes are windows into the soul, “You’re beautiful.” Not what he expected, not even a little. Maybe a ‘How’d you get that?’ or ‘The hell happened to you?’ but that? Yeah not fucking that. It had you both staring into each others eyes for just a few seconds too long. He turned away once he felt his face burning,” God, how much blood are you losing?” You snickered.

THE Red Hood is a pretty boy, with pretty blue eyes, and a pretty face, and a pretty bottom lip.

so worth !

i loved this so bad, inbox is open for more rqs and rambles!

[your-daily-snl]

Rear Window, starring January Jones and Jason Sudeikis as costars in a new film by Alfred Hitchcock (Bobby Moynihan).

Original Air Date: 2009

[br4inr0tx]

moving on, here’s a matchup for @karusenka !

tw - toxic relationships, snuff films, torture, Vincent being an emo alpha furry.

Your Price of Flesh matchup is… REN HANA !!

• I’ll be real with you, I would’ve given you Ren for both of them but since he’s in both games I just gave you a runner up for BTD. I couldn’t think of anyone else in TPOF that you would really get along with in the slightest.

• Anyway, the reason why you go with Ren so much is from your interests! He sees a little bit of his old self in you, and now wants to feel the rush Strade had taking away any sanity on you have.

• Not to mention, you said you like them older.

• In this case, you’d quickly become his permanent plaything. In one hand you’ll have guards giving you the proper necessities, but on another you’d be forced to preform on his snuff streams.

• Ren gives you some alone time in your cell room, which eventually he’ll let you decorate with time. However if he needs you for a show, you’re coming out whether you like it or not. So appreciate the alone time you DO get.

• He’s great at praise! If you do something you or he’s impressed by, he’ll call you out with a lot of praise. He also likes to flaunt you sometimes like a mom would to another parent. His praise especially comes into play when you’re streaming with him.

• “At least my Kari can take all these knives in her body! She’s super resilient~”

• He likes hearing you out and listening to you, even if it’s something he disagrees with. He’ll shut you down his own remarks when he’s done though. He does enjoy hearing your pathetic voice anyway.

• He also has twelve year old humor, at a limit due to his age. He will not be spouting Skibidi Toilet shenanigans, though if you do explain it to him he’ll probs think it’s hilarious.

• He’s witty, and quickly picks up on silly mistake you make, and will make fun of you for it.

• He loves watching you cry! There’s nothing more exciting then hear you beg for mercy. You’re already begging him to stop before he’s even hurt you, how cute!

• Surely you can take something small at the very least, like him ripping off a few fingernails..or pulling a tooth perhaps?

• He’s horny on main too. Being a beastkin demon I’d like to think he has insane stamina to make your mind short circuit.

• Be careful if you’re one to openly share your desires though, as he’ll gladly make it into a reality. (Have you seen some of the toys he has? Like damn.)

• Ren is literally a snuff streamer, he loves horror. His horror mostly consist of snuff films though, since you get the realest action. Though I do think he has a soft spot for shitty horror flicks too, just because they get a laugh out of him. (I headcanon him with a wheezy laugh too! It’s so cute <3)

• He really enjoys spoiling you with cute plushies and lingerie. Granted you’re forced to wear all the clothes he gets for you regardless, but he does enjoy cute clothes the most, which you can find solace with.

• He’s always had a soft spot for anime. He loves watching any show, of course having a liking to shows with a more dark themes. As for music, he definitely has a more peppy feel to his music. He listens to scenecore, J-Pop, nightcore and metal. If you vibe with that, then awesome!

• He’s somewhat of a gamer I’m pretty sure. Now that he’s out of Strade’s hands, he definitely plays a lot more games, mostly horror games and shooters. I can definitely see him being a COD or TF2 guy.

• He’ll play games with you if you’re good, and if you keep up your behavior he’ll even buy you a game!

• He finds you so beautiful and cute. He firmly believes every body is perfect in their own way. He often hugs and kisses your chubbier parts. He enjoys the warmth they give off a lot.

• As Ren’s pet, he’ll treat you well, as long as you do his bidding and what he needs from you. Just stay behaved, and he’ll be the lover you desire.

You Boyfriend to Death matchup is… VINCENT METZGER !!

• So, here’s your runner up cause technically you would’ve gotten Ren for this one too lmao.

• Also if I get thing wrong about I’m I’m NOT sorry cause I have a love-hate relationship with this mf. HIS LORE IS SO CONFUSING FOR WHAT?

• I feel like you would make the best match for him, since you’re everything he wants in a submissive little victim. He may not be exactly what you want, but you do enjoy the opposite attract trope, right?

• So, welcome to his pack. 🐺

• He gives you a lot of time alone, especially during the full moon. He can’t control himself then. It’s the same situation with Ren, where if he needs or wants you, you have no choice but to spend as much time with him as he wants.

• He doesn’t like to praise you unless you earn it, most likely by surviving through something grotesque he puts you through.

• You’ll be on his mind though. He likes talking about the different dirty things he wants to put you through.

• You may be funny, but to him I feel like it’s harder to get him to laugh as twelve year old humor. He may laugh at some of your asshole jokes though. He mostly finds you funny from your suffering. You’re so easy to break..

• Sometimes he would like a challenge though, so if you want to make him happy try putting up more of a fight next time.

• Okay, now we’re gunna get really cringe.

• He’s a wolf, and he’s horny on main. He’s a freak, and is into um..questionable things. (Then again we can’t be talking, we’re into serial killers)

• He’s less of a horror guy, and more of just a feral animal. It’s horror in its own right, but a wouldn’t say classic horror. At least you can get that.

• He likes your cute accessories, it makes his heart thump seeing you all dolled up and cutesy. Though he might get overly horny when you’re in those outfits.

• He’s definitely a gamer. He’d especially love it if you sat on his lap while he plays his games. Though I don’t think he’d allow you to play any game unfortunately..

• As for music, he’s definitely a heavy metal guy. Hopefully you can vibe with that as you uppity music.

• You’re very easy to pick up and move around, and he loves it. He doesn’t want you to change.

• I’m sorry you got tied with such an asshole..though honestly it’s what you want, isn’t it?

[angel-of-the-moons]

Didn't Plan On It (AKA, Your Friends Are Assholes)

Khonshu x Fem!Reader

TW/CW: NSFW, forced marriage (kinda??? You SORT OF consented to it???), hints at sexual stuff, groping, my shitty sense of humor

MINORS DNI I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR CONTENT YOU CONSUME

A/N: Based on this post I got tagged in asdfghjkl (I loosely based Max off a friend of mine 💀)

You loved your friends, but hated them at the same time.

Loved them because they were quirky and weird and matched your energy...

...Hated them because they matched your energy.

A double edged sword, for certain. But at the same time, there's nobody you'd trust more to come to your aid if some creep got up into your personal space. You'd all grown up together, been through everything through thick and thin, even if some of you moved away at some point.

There was Mari, the oldest one in the group by two years. She was like the aunt of the friend group (you were the group mom) who you all could trust to suggest poisoning an ex who did you wrong.

Then, there was Elizabeth "Lizzy", she was the one in the group that alcohol hit the hardest, the lightweight who got cuddly when she was drunk. She did everyone's taxes for them (you know how to do them, she just does them better). Stabbed her ex boyfriend for cheating on her, didn't get any charges pressed (somehow).

There was the other Elizabeth, whom everyone just called "Eli" to avoid confusing her with Lizzy. (Sometimes you all call them #1 and #2) Eli was the most tomboy of the group, her fashion very much stuck in the "grunge" fashion from back in the 90s. 90% of her fashion choice is band merch, she is the one who drives everyone to concerts and manages check-ins at events to make sure everyone is accounted for.

After Mari, Lizzy, and Eli, there was Zoey. Her contact number in everyone's phone is almost always "Zoey 101". The highest IQ out of you all, she was the one who manages passports, IDs, and luggage checks when you take trips together. Has way too much knowledge on the supernatural and the occult.

After the four of them, was Kayla. Kayla was the one who always knew everything about whatever group projects you were all assigned to in school; ask her an obscure fact and she could spit out an atlas or encyclopedia on the subject. Dresses like she's a model on a runway almost every day. Owns 5,000 pairs of feetie pajamas.

And finally, there was Maxwell "Max". You all likened him to Max, Goofy's son, due to how lanky he was. A beautician by trade, always wore flawless makeup when he dressed in drag. Or, just gorgeous in general. Your team's "Gay Avenger" and he watches your drinks at parties like he is a lone sentry between him, a sniper and a platoon of soldiers in the night. Max was the one you knew the longest, you two were born only a few days apart; your parents being best friends even longer. You all made every single one of his drag shows to support him, screaming and cheering the loudest.

Right now, you were at Kayla's house. She was a successful real estate agent and made serious bank; so hosting the bachelorette party in her honor there just made sense. Cheaper, too.

You all had a private party, getting wasted, eating snacks, dressing each other up, holding Lizzy's hair when she puked into the toilet, watching old shitty rom-coms, and letting Max put his best drag looks on all of you. (That was his favorite part of the night, honestly.)

But somehow, inevitably, the occult was brought up. Not by Zoey, but by Mari. She suggested playing with a ouija board.

Kayla had slammed her hands on the table and said, "Hell. No! Not in my house! I'm white, but I'm not horror movie "let's open a magic door and summon a demon" white!"

"Yeah, let's be real. The demon would probably claim Max first." Lizzy grinned, jerking her thumb to the man in question.

Max dramatically clutched his invisible pearls, the gaudy fake tiara crooked in his poofy curls as he gasped incredulously, "Not on the first date, girl! He'd have to put a ring on it, first. I have standards."

"Oh, he'd probably put a ring on something--" Eli snorted into her drink, earning a loud round of chortling from the rest of you.

As the laughter died down, Zoey had said a loud thoughtfully, "Well... there is something I read in my forums recently. A ritual..."

Kayla squinted at her, pointing her manicured nail into her chubby little cheek. "What did I just say about demons?"

"It's not a demon!" Zoey giggled. "It's a god."

"Oh, so instead of a demon, we're gonna summon something possibly even more dangerous?" Mari sighed, raising an eyebrow. "I d'nno how a god would feel about puny mortals like us summoning him from a plane of existence we can't even fathom just to ask him to strip for us."

"Noooo!" Zoey frowned at her as everyone laughed. "It's kind of like a.... fertility rite? Or well, maybe more like some kinda ceremony that's supposed to gain the favor of the god or something. It was discovered by some sort of archaeologist recently in a scroll!"

"A scroll." You deadpan, setting your empty glass of wine in front of you, leaning back on the couch.

"I think I know the scroll you're talking about." Kayla had piped in. "It was found in some recovered temple out in Egypt, right? By one that one world famous professor and historian?"

"Yes! So you know which god I'm talking about, and how he's not dangerous." Zoey nodded excitedly, growing more and more energized at the possibility of playing with magic with all of you.

Kayla tapped her nails on the tabletop, twisting her mouth as she mulled over her options. Deciding that, fuck it, Zoey had a point... it couldn't hurt to end the night with a bang.

"Okay, okay.... let's do it."

"Yessss!" Zoey said, jumping up and bouncing on her feet. She stopped and awkwardly cleared her throat. "Well, er... we kind of need a subject to be the centerpiece, though... the "anchor" of the spell..."

"Wait.... You said a fertility god?" Max squinted, his eyes glimmering cheekily.

"Well, healing, protection, fertility..." Zoey listed off, her voice trailing away.

"Okay okay, but let's focus on the fertility part." He replied. "So odds are.... the anchor of the spell is going to get laid."

"Well... It's a possibility."

"So, who gets to be the lucky anchor?" You asked, tilting your head.

The silence was so loud a mouse could sneeze and you all would have heard it.

And then.... their heads all turned to you, grins spreading on their faces as they all traded conspiratorial looks with one another.

"Oh fuck you." You snap, shaking your head.

"Well, babygirl..." Max leaned in, his arm over your shoulder. "I know for a fact you haven't been laid in a good long while..."

"I have an active sex life!" You retorted, your voice becoming shrill.

"Battery-operated silicone boyfriends don't count." He deadpanned, earning laughter from everyone in the room.

You slump in your seat, pouting like an angry child. "I don't need help getting laid!"

"Well, it's also..." Lizzy said slowly. "The last guy you were with was Troy... and we all know what happened with him."

Your mood soured further at the mention of your highschool sweetheart, the man of your dreams... or so it had appeared. You'd held out on him for a while, finally giving in on prom night and getting a hotel room and having sex with him.

And one day, you decided to drop by his family's house with an early birthday present. ...Only to have caught him in bed with his best friend's mother. He'd been cheating on you with her for almost the entirety of your relationship.

It was after that break-up that you just... didn't want to date. Even if you were lonely, you wouldn't give in because your sense of trust had been betrayed by the guy you were absolutely besotted with.

Eli cleared her throat, "Oh come on. Nothing's gonna happen... it's not like we're gonna sacrifice you on an altar."

"Ugh! Fine! Leave me alone! And when nothing happens you're all paying for my drinks the next time we go bar hopping!" You shouted, throwing your hands up in the air.

Zoey rubbed her hands together, grinning. "Now, then.... let's make a run to that little shop on Malden Street! They're 24 hours and have everything we need!"

You groaned as you got tugged along, Mari the designated driver because she was the only sober one.

Yeah. You hated and loved your friends.

Zoey had begun setting up the altar around the bed in the guest room, finishing it almost too quickly for your liking. Max and Kayla had dolled you all up for your "date", ensuring you looked your best when that god (never) appeared.

Dressed in one of Kayla's black nightgowns and her silk robe, Max had your hair styled "just right" and your makeup "tastefully minimal"--whatever all that meant.

Eli and Lizzy had killed the lights, while Mari cleared the rest of the bedroom for whatever else would occur.

You laid down on the bed as everyone sat in a semicircle around the bed, Zoey standing with a wax candle in hand as she read the spell screenshotted on her phone aloud as best she could in the language it was written.

You laid against the plush pillows, staring at the ceiling in boredom, listening to Zoey drone on and your other friends giggle in anticipation at the stupid middle-school antics they were perpetrating upon you.

Eventually, the room fell silent as Zoey kneeled like the others staring at you with rapt attention, her eyes glittering in excitement.

Only... nothing happened. Not even... well, you weren't sure what magic would feel like if it was cast on you.

"Hah!" You said, lifting your head to look at Zoey, pointing. "I told you nothing would happen--"

Your six friends all fell backwards with startled shouts and shrieks when, in a blur of light... you vanished.

Right in front of them!

"Oh, oh no.... Um... whoops...?" Zoey said, her voice shell shocked and tiny as a bead of sweat dripped down her brow.

Max grabbed Zoey and shook her, "What did you do! What did you do?!"

The moment that flash of light dissipated you hit whatever soft surface you were on with a gasp, almost feeling your lungs squeezed of all air before sucking in much needed oxygen.

You blinked your eyes open, and when they focused on your surroundings... You realized you weren't at Kayla's house anymore. Your friends weren't sitting in their silly ritualistic circle... Zoey wasn't staring at you like a bug under a microscope.

You were... somewhere. The bed you were on was insanely large and round, the sheets a divinely soft texture, almost like the velvet of a moths's wing. A canopy was above you, wafting in an unknown breeze. Marble pillars with beautiful scenes painted on lined the room that was very sparse, save for a table laden with food in the corner.

You swing your legs over the bed and rub your temples.

You were drunk. You were black out drunk and this is all some kind of horrible dream that will cause you migraines with your inevitable hangover in the morning.

Right?

Yeah. Not so lucky.

When your eyes opened once more, you were still in the strange marble room.

You groaned, standing up and shivering as your feet touched the cold stone floors, polished to a fine sheen that reflected the dim torchlight lit on various oil lamps lining the room.

You looked to your side and noticed some kind of balcony, the night sky just beyond.

You frantically ran for it, hoping that maybe you might be able to call down to the street below for help, but... no luck.

Your hands wrapped around the stone banister and your jaw dropped. You weren't met with the night scenery of some kind of city or town, or even a sprawling estate.

Chalky dust, dented with craters and rocks and boulders stretched out beyond your vision's limits. And hovering in the sky where the moon should be, was...

The Earth. A shiny blue-and-green marble that lazily hung in the void of space, one side dimly lit by the sun while the other was black, lights from the cities below dotting it with a golden hue in the shadow of the--the fucking moon.

You were on the fucking moon?!

"How the hell... what..." You said, your heart thudding in your chest as you walked back into the ornate, pale room you'd exited.

Honestly, you were the darkest thing in there, dressed in all black, the silk hanging from your body and clinging to you in all the right places...

How were you breathing? What were you breathing? How were you even alive--

"Well... this is interesting." A deep voice mused from behind you.

You could feel someone looming over you. An oppressive feeling bearing down on you like whoever this was towered beyond your height.

You spun around, swallowing the lump of fear in your chest; but whoever spoke was no longer behind you.

"It's been some time since anyone has performed that ritual." The voice said again, "Though... uour friend should have worded it more carefully. Her mistranslation may cost you more than intended."

You looked towards the balcony, the thin curtains swaying in the breeze-that-should-not-be, a tall, imposing shadow barely showing through the other side.

An impossibly large man. Or... what looked like a man... if it weren't for the silhouette of the bird skull where his head should be.

Fear spread through your body at every leap of your pulse, dreading it as the figure began walking to the edge of the fine drapery. You anticipated some kind of horror show, but... well. You got the opposite.

A man with impeccably tanned skin, dressed only in a gold bejeweled collar and bracers stepped out, his white shendyt wrapped in some sort of sheer cover, his toned waist disappearing beyond, a thin trail of dark hair trailing up to his navel as his bare feet padded silently across the polished floor. On his chest was a crescent moon that looked like it was painted in some sort of gold across his skin.

His hazel eyes glimmered at you with an inhuman inner light, his mouth quirked up in a cocky smile that stretched his beard; his long, curled black hair striped with wisps of silver as it hung low against his shoulders.

One of his hands held a long staff, topped in a golden crescent moon, like the one tattooed on his chest. His eyes trailed you up and down as he slowly made his way over to you.

You were transfixed.

You were so struck by him that you didn't flinch until his fingers tipped your chin so you would look up at him, your mouth going dry. What the hell was happening?

"Well... at least you are pleasing to look at."

You felt your ego take the punch, and your awe at his beauty was shattered. Oh. So he was a dick.

"You--"

"Do you know why you're here, little dove?" He hummed, tilting his head slightly with a coy--but knowing--smile.

"I... My friend did some stupid magic circle, that's what!" You say, twisting your head free from his grasp, stepping away to wrap the silk robe around you tighter, suddenly feeling very self conscious.

"I asked not what brought you here... but if you knew what your friend's ritual has ordained for you." He chuckled lowly at your sense of modesty.

"I..." You flounder, wishing you had been listening to the details Zoey had been spitting as she set up the circle, earlier as Max and Kayla got you ready. "Something about..."

Your body shivered at the realization.

"... something about fertility?"

The man moved towards you in a blur, suddenly behind you once again; his body heat bleeding into you like the scorching sun on a summer day, his heavy hands circling your waist and toying with the knot in the robe.

"Close." He had whispered, his lips touching the shell of your ear as your body went rigid in his embrace.

"Your friend mistranslated "offering"." The ridiculously gorgeous man hummed deeply. His lips skimmed your bare neck in appreciation; "She said "wife". Imagine my surprise, while I was overseeing my Fist's duties and I heard that incantation over the divine space. I simply had to see who performed such a ritual."

"W-wait you can't be saying that..."

"I am afraid so, little dove." He breathed, his mouth leaving a hot kiss to your leaping pulse, making heat pool low in your belly. His hands slid beneath the robe, touching the soft nightgown that covered you beneath; barely touching the undersides of your breasts.

"You belong to me, now."

You stood ramrod stiff as his hands roamed you, mapping out every dip and curve your body had; every hollow and mark in your skin, driving your body mad with desire despite the shock of your current situation.

"It is human custom to consummate a marriage after a ceremony, yes?" His mouth once again found your ear, his words hot on your skin, one of his hands slipping beneath your robe and gown to brush his thumb over one of your pebbled nipples; his other sliding down to slowly hike up the skirt of your nightwear, his hand groping and squeezing the fat of your thigh.

"It has been... overlong since I have indulged in such pleasures. But I assure you, I have a--very--good memory."

All six of them had been in a constant state of panic, frantically wondering if they should call a priest or the police. The sun was beginning to creep over the horizon, painting the sky in gorgeous colors as clouds lazily danced about the atmosphere.

Max had yanked at his curls, "I'm to gay and gorgeous to go to jail!"

"It was magic not murder, you drama queen!" Mari shouted, shaking Max's arm frantically.

"Who the fuck should we call?!" Lizzy shrieked, waving her arms over her head. "The fuckin' Winchester brothers?! Fucking Constantine?!"

Zoey practically sobbed, emotionally raw and scared. She hadn't expected anything to happen with this! After all, none of her other dabblings caused something like... like this! What if she mistranslated in the wrong language and accidentally sent you to Cthulhu? What if she cursed you to one of the circles of hell? Did she say something wrong?!

"I'm sorry!" She sniffled as Eli rubbed her back, trying desperately to stay calm. "I didn't know!"

"Well, we are not ever doing goddamn magic ever again!" Kayla hyperventilated, fanning herself desperately with her hand, the other holding her long hair up in a bunch to get it off of her sweaty neck. "God damn it, this shit always happens in horror movies! Me and my big mouth--"

They were all almost knocked to the ground again, when, in a bright flash of light... you were dropped onto the plush mattress once again. Only this time, your appearance was far more disheveled.

Your makeup ran down your cheeks, mascara tracking down your face from dried tears, your lipstick smeared and hair messy; your clothes haphazardly askew in several places.

You blinked, your eyes not entirely focused as you sat up and looked at your friends. You zeroed in on Zoey. You didn't seem... hurt? Mad at her?

Instead, your usual coping mechanism kicked in. Humor.

"Scully.... You're not gonna believe this..."

[gonnahaveabigtalklater]

another character in this category: Roland Borderlands. strategic genius, incredibly handsome, deeply compassionate, talented, funny, literally everyone is like 'oh shit hes my bff now' upon meeting him. also he just like calls you up on the phone while hes peeing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

kim kitsuragi is the most character of all time. he's smart and gentle and talented and SUPER cool. but also he's decided to base his entire emotional wellbeing on the opinion of a deranged guy he found in an arbys dumpster last week.

[sins-of-the-sea]

It seems Shylow's cousins have come for a visit!

The shadows all giggle and wiggle as they form a line of children lead by a very large humanoid bat. "Pardon the intrusion, Captain," the bat greets "my class today is learning about different sailing ships and Servac mentioned you wouldn't mind if we dropped in? He said you'd be happy to answer their questions."

The children are all practically scrambling over one another, their hands raised and begging to be called on first. Though that doesn't stop some from just calling out their questions before they can be picked.

"Why're there so many sales?"

"What's that big stick on the front for?"

"How's the wheel connected to the turny thingy under the water?"

"Where do you go to the bathroom?"

"Have you ever met a mermaid?"

"Have you ever punched Poseidon?"

"How do you pronounce anemimey- an- aninimy- amemory-"

@thegcblinfather

Use anon to send some children to ask my muse questions.

Abena couldn't help but tear up as she watches her husband beam joyously as he is being surrounded by so many children.

"Settle down! Settle down! We'll answer your questions! We're more than happy to!" He takes a moment to recompose himself. "We'll answer one at a time. Why don't we start with you, love? Why does a ship have many sails?"

"Oh, sweetie, it's because as much as boats can float, it's still very heavy and at the mercy of the waves! The bigger the boat, the more sails we'll need! Winds can only blow so hard with one sail, and depending on the weight of the vessel and its shape, it may not go very fast either! So a big boat with lots and lots of sails not only can make it go where it needs to go, but it can go really fast too! And you'll need those many sails to go the direction you'll need to go too! Now, Ruixiong, what is the big stick in the front for?"

"Ohhh, I got this! That big stick is called the bowsprit! Not every vessel has one, but when it does, it's intended to support the forestay--the rigging (rope) that supports the forwardmost sail. If it stick out far and strong enough, it can be used to support the figurehead as well--the lady that is carved or stuck onto the front of the ship's hull! It's a dangerous place to go unless you're an experienced sailor who can balance well, so don't try to walk the bowsprit on your own, children--you could fall off and hit the ship's hull along the way! And it'll hurt! As for the wheel connected to the 'turny thingy'… Rashid can do that one better!"

Rashid couldn't help but chuckle at the children's enthusiasm. "The wheel is called the 'helm', and usually the one tasked to handle it is called the 'helmsman'. The turny-thing in the water is called the 'rudder'. The helm is connected to the rudder by a series of beams, spindles, and other wheels within the back of the ship that directs the rudders a certain way when you turn the helm a certain way. It's not as easy as it looks--it's very heavy, the movement will not pick up subtle turns like it would for a car or bicycle, and the results of your movement may feel delayed. You'll also need to take account of the sails' direction to go where you need to go. That's why a ship needs more than just someone at the wheel--it needs a whole Crew. Now why don't you answer the one with the bathroom, Guy?"

"Why me?" The man chuckles nonetheless. "Back in the old days, we just use chamberpots-- ceramic pots where you do your business in them and collect the waste before you dump it overboard at later time. Eventually, though, ships may have a bathroom installed in them simply called the head--because it's located in the front-most part of the ship's hull below deck, just above the waterline. It simply uses gravity to get the gross stuff down, then we wash up with seawater if there is a pump or bucket for that. Our ship thankfully has a head, though if it gets stuffed up we know precisely who to blame."

Rashid glares as the rest of the Crew laugh.

"I'm afraid we have yet to meet a mermaid, children, though sometimes we like to think we do! No, we never punched Poseidon, I'm pretty sure that's rude. And-"

"…..What?"

"I think they mean 'anemone'. As in the sea anemone!"

"Of course! It's tricky in English, but we call it by other names in other languages, heh. Don't touch one if you see it, however! It can sting!"

[wolftheawoo]

Chapter IV - How things go.

NSFW FANFIC - DDDNE

Reverse Fall(s) - Twisted Realities

Relationships: Bill Cipher/Ford Pines, Will Cipher | Reverse Bill Cipher/Ford Gleeful | Reverse Ford Pines, Will Cipher | Reverse Bill Cipher/Dipper Gleeful | Reverse Dipper Pines, Will Cipher | Reverse Bill Cipher/Mabel Gleeful | Reverse Mabel Pines, Bill Cipher & Will Cipher | Reverse Bill Cipher, Dipper Gleeful | Reverse Dipper Pines & Mabel Gleeful | Reverse Mabel Pines, Dipper Gleeful/Ford Gleeful, Mabel Gleeful/Ford Gleeful, Bud Pines/Gideon Pines, Mabel Gleeful | Reverse Mabel Pines/Pacifica Southeast | Reverse Pacifica Northwest TAGS/TW: DDDNE, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Rape/Non-con Elements, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Rape, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Underage Rape/Non-con, Underage Sex, Consensual Underage Sex, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Underage Kissing, Anal Sex, Anal Gaping, Piss, Vomiting, Object Insertion, Gore, Visceral, Violence, Reverse Falls, Alternate Universe - Reverse Portal (Gravity Falls), Alternate Universe - Reverse Falls | Reverse Pines (Gravity Falls), Reverse Pines Family (Gravity Falls), Ford is sadic as fuck here, Dipper and Mabel are very very bad, there will be blood, Bill is a spectator and voyeur, Voyeurism, Mabel suck his grunkle to get what she wants, Incest, Sibling Incest, Uncle/Nephew Incest, Uncle/Niece Incest, Stancest, pinecest, Spanking, Non-Consensual Spanking, Non-Consensual Touching, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Non-Consensual Oral Sex

Summary:

Bill Cipher, the most chaotic triangular demon in the universe, is about to discover that not all cosmic power is hole-proof. Stumbling into a dimensional rift, he plummets straight into the universe of Reverse Falls, where everything is twisted, sinister, and a little more broken than he remembered. Instead of looking for a way back, Bill decides to do what he does best: turn this chaos into his personal playground. With constant misfortune and characters darker than ever, he plunges headlong into a universe where nothing makes sense, but everything is potential for fun. For Bill Cipher, the more wrong the situation, the better. And in the end, he may even discover that the chaos of Reverse Falls is where he really belongs.

Chaos, acid humor and a lot of misfortune guaranteed. After all, for Bill, hell is an amusement park.

-------------------------------------

(⁠ﾉ⁠◕⁠ヮ⁠◕⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠*⁠.⁠✧ NOTES: Grenda and Pacifica, Mabel and Stanley, Will and Dipper... yeah, this chapter is full of people having intercourse. NOTES 2: I'd like to thank everyone who's been following my fanfic, and for all the kind comments and Kudos. You're all in my heart. Thank you very much.

Pacifica's body shook violently as Grenda thrust inside her. She was bigger than Candy had imagined, and watching what was happening made her wet, even though she didn't want to admit it. Mabel had told them both to clean up the place, but she hadn't said they couldn't have a little fun first. As Grenda drove her cock deeper and deeper into Pacifica, blonde strands stuck to her face and saliva dripped from her mouth; her legs spasmed slightly and her insides tightened. Southeast's small womb was brutally beaten by Granda who, close to the climax, grabbed Pacifica and held her body in her arms, crushing her until she heard her bones crack and, inside her canal, emptied herself until not a single drop of semen remained. Candy was perplexed and very excited, and as Grenda pulled out of Pacifica, her seed ran down the girl's legs who, when she was released, only fell to the floor in her own urine.

Mabel's two friends, as ordered, cleaned the bathroom of any residue that might have remained from the "game". They mopped it with the janitor's mop, and used a lot of toilet paper to leave everything clean. Pacifica, on the other hand, was left a mess of saliva, tears and cum.

“What do we do with her?” said the Asian girl, fixing her glasses.

“We leave her here. She must be too embarrassed to go out like this, and even more embarrassed to tell anyone.”

“Yes, you’re right…” and crouching down in front of the blonde, Candy smiled mischievously: “If she tells anyone, I doubt they’ll believe her. It’s easier to think she did it because she wanted to.”

Bill, in the little corner he had taken, stayed there the whole time Pacifica was fucked by Grenda. He had liked the way those girls were... they reminded him of his own henchmen who carried out his orders without question, but who were still his friends. The band of misfits and exiles from their own planets and universes. The gang of forgotten and despised people. Just like the six-fingered one who, if he wasn't so altruistic, might have been on his side. In any case, the triangle stuck around to see what the girl would do. And the two girls were right: she was too embarrassed. There was blood, urine, and all sorts of fluids on her body, running, dripping, dirtying her. When she tried to get up, her legs gave way and she fell miserably to the floor, and with her, the tears fell. She was pitiful.

With a restrained sob, Pacifica clung to the walls and, on shaky legs, got up to go to the sink where she turned on the water and began to clean herself. She took her hand between her own legs and touched it, rubbing her fingers against her vagina to remove the excess semen. When she looked at her own hand, her face twisted in a mixture of disgust and sadness. The smell, she contested, was horrible, and she almost vomited. In fact, she regurgitated some of what she had eaten in the canteen into the sink and, completely dazed, washed her hand under the cold running water. As if she had turned on autopilot, she did the same thing a few more times: she used her wet hand to wipe her pussy and then washed her hand in the sink, and repeated this until she felt clean and there was nothing left on her palm.

Then it was time for the legs, and the body. At least, the places Mabel had scribbled on. She rubbed the pieces of paper she'd torn from the dispenser until her skin turned red, and when blood balls were forming under her dermis, she stopped. Leaning against the sink, she lowered her head, letting the strands of hair cover her face. As curious as Bill was, he didn't have to move to notice that Pacifica was crying copiously and the more she cried, the more she trembled. She was on the verge of a breakdown: she threw, pushed, hit, punched, kicked and finally sat down. She punched the wall, kicked the garbage cans, knocked over the soap dispensers, threw paper rolls away and pushed open the cabin doors, then let herself fall to the floor to cry and cry.

It was a long time. Long and tortuous minutes until the bell finally rang, telling them to return to their classrooms. Two more bells rang before Southeast had enough courage to get up. She was more or less dry now, and finished drying herself with toilet paper. She washed her face to uselessly hide her tears and reduce the swelling a little, and, taking a deep breath, smiled at the mirror before leaving. She had to grab her backpack, and she did so, telling the teacher that she wasn't feeling well and needed to go home. Sent to the nurse's office, the poor woman who attended to the students there let Pacifica call her parents, noticing the girl's visible emotional distress. She needed her home. She needed her mother's lap. She needed to go back, that's all.

[…]

Mabel wrapped her legs around her great-uncle's waist as the thrusts became more intense and less spaced out. The girl's thighs pressed against his sides and her heels on the older man's lower back squeezed him enough for his fat, hard cock to enter his grandniece's little pussy completely, making even more of the juice that wet her drip. He was so close to cumming inside her that his moans became even hoarser and lower, close to the girl's ear, who felt shivers run down her spine. The pleasure was overflowing just as was the liquid that dripped from her tight entrance, and as Stan thrust his cock deeper and deeper, Mabel let her voice be heard more and more, moaning like the little slut she was.

"Ohhh, darling... like that, like that... my god, what a delicious pussy... and all wet like that for your great-uncle... what would they think of you if they knew you were my personal little whore?"

The laugh that came from his throat made Mabel arch her back and groan. The girl couldn't think clearly, much less contain herself. Meaningless words left her mouth as her nails dug into Stanley's back and served as an incentive for him to hold Mabel's waist in his arms, lifting her hips off the bed, lifting her so he could fuck her harder and faster. He was going to cum, he was sure he was going to cum because she was squeezing him tightly, and when he reached her womb, the walls of her vagina contracted and crushed him inside.

Stanley's belly rubbed against Mabel's thin abdomen, and his hair tickled the girl. He was sweating like a soccer player on top of the girl, and the strong smell coming from his old body was masculine; a mix of wood, aftershave, cheap perfume and manly body. That delicious body smell that men produce when they work out. Mabel was so horny for it that she would sink her face into Stanley's neck, chest and sometimes armpits just to smell him while she was being fucked hard by him. The rogue's fat cock gave another three thrusts before he buried his cock as deep as he could in his grandniece, making her moan and melt all over his cock as his testicles contracted and he spilled his sperm inside her, filling her up. They didn't usually use condoms, and Mabel loved that. She liked it when she was full, full of cum. She liked it when she put on her panties and, in no time at all, she'd get her entire panties soiled with her uncle's sperm. She liked to feel it running down her legs, and to force it out, and she liked it even more when Stanley decided to fuck her with his fingers, pulling the cum out before shoving the same fingers he'd used in her vagina into her mouth. And Mabel sucked; she sucked with pleasure, moaning and delighting in Stanley's thick, rough fingers.

“Ugghn... yeah, like that... good girl, good girl...”

When he pulled out his still dripping cock, Mabel's pussy was throbbing. She hadn't cum yet, so the old man slipped two of his fingers inside her, bringing his mouth closer to her clitoris and sucking on it. Gleeful wriggled on the bed and tried to push the old man's head away, to no avail: he licked and rubbed his mouth on her, sucking on the labia minora and smacking his lips on the girl's sensitive little button, as she moaned Stan's name. She even grabbed him by the hair, but as he was bigger and stronger, he wrapped both of Mabel's wrists in one hand and held her like that, still, trapped and receiving a pleasurable oral while he lasciviously fucked her little hole with his fingers.

The orgasm came when Stan stuck his index finger up Mabel's already trained urethra and she spasmed and urinated all over the bed, soiling not only her grandfather's hand but also the mattress. The orgasm had been so intense that afterwards she didn't even have the strength to move or clean herself up. Stanley just laughed at the situation, slapping his niece's pussy, teasing her about being a pisser; and he absolutely loved it. He loved knowing that he was making her piss herself with pleasure. He loved knowing that he was making her almost pass out from exhaustion. He loved being able to empty his sack into her and have her beg for more. Mabel was his sex toy, and as much as he loved it, she loved it too.

The girl's calls for Will to go to her room and clean up the mess while she showered were in vain, as Dipper was already busy with the blue triangle demon of that universe.

Stanford wanted to be left alone, as was often the case. He dismissed Will who, still wondering how he was going to find the extra-dimensional being, found himself pacing back and forth until Dipper called out to him.

“I need your help,” he said, grabbing the thick chain that was welded to the metal collar around Will's neck. Tugging hard just for the fun of watching the demon stumble, Dipper dragged him into the very room he affectionately called his laboratory. It was there that he trained his spells and, when he managed to steal Ford's books, studied them to understand more about science and the weirdness of the Falls. As they entered the place that Will already knew with the palm of his hand, Dipper pulled the chain so that Will was forced to kneel down, hitting his knees on the wooden floor, making a loud sound. The wooden door closed and Dipper sat down, staring at Will.

“About this creature you sensed... what else can you tell me?” The way the boy crossed his legs and leaned his head on his hand, that... was typical of Ford. Furthermore, not only did he imitate the posture, but he also kept the chain in his free hand tensioned, forcing Will downwards the whole time. “Answer, slave.”

“I only know that it was as powerful as me, if not, more...”

“And that's possible?”

“...but of course it is.”

A tug was given, and Dipper clenched his jaw. With the back of his hand, he slapped Will across the face. It was never as strong as Ford's slaps.

“Sir! You refer to me as sir!”

“Yes, sir”

“Well? Is it possible?”

“Yes, sir, it's possible”

“How?”

“Well... there are many universes. Many beings in countless timelines, dimensions and alternative realities. The time baby, for example, is very powerful. Just like me, who came from a place with beings from a very different dimension to yours... where I come from, people are 2D, whereas your reality is completely 3D... sir.”

“...I understand. And this being? What is it?”

“I'm not sure, sir... but... if you want, I can find out.”

“Not only can you, but you will.”

“Yes, I will, sir.”

“With you by my side, Mabel doesn't stand a chance. I order you, while we're hunting this creature, to obey only my orders.”

“...but your uncle...”

“My uncle won't mind. He didn't say anything about us not being able to use you. And I'm sure he'll be too busy studying or doing whatever it is he does in his spare time.”

“Yes, sir...”

“Good boy, Will. You're a great dog.”

Despite wanting to, Will held back the urge to roll his eye. The more Dipper tried to look like Ford, the less respectable he seemed. Still... he wanted to please him a little. That's how he got the things he wanted when it was with Dipper.

“Sir...” the boy muttered, crawling across the floor towards Dipper. “Let me... look after you... you look tense.”

As much as he hated it, he crawled towards the boy and, when he was very close, knelt down in front of him. Carefully and with great caution, he slid his velvety fingers up Gleeful's legs and untangled them, placing himself between them.

“When we find this creature together, your uncle will be so proud... and as a wish, perhaps you could ask him to give me to you, to serve you only and exclusively, what do you think?... Or maybe he could give you this creature... and it will be yours. Your first acquisition.” As Dipper's eyes glazed over at the thought of being noticed, Will deftly and quickly unzipped his pants. It wasn't long before he had the boy's meat out, and wrapping his hand around it, he began to stimulate it with slow movements. It was noticeable when he shivered, and when he locked a moan in his throat, since Ford would never moan. “Still... Mabel could get in our way... don't you think it would be more useful if I looked for this creature while you distract her?”

He was careful with his words so that there would be no suspicion. If he looked for the being on his own, and if he found it on his own, he might be able to hand it over on his own. Without Dipper, without Mabel. He would be the one to give Ford what he wanted, and receive the desire in return. The movements were slow, and puberty was brimming through the boy; his erection was already beginning to form, and he clutched gently at the swivel chair he was sitting in, panting softly.

“If we look together...” he started to say, and before he could finish, Will took him in one go, putting the length of Dipper's cock in his mouth. He didn't want him to finish his thought. He couldn't let him think clearly. He had to clear his head. The boy contracted and, moaning low, grabbed onto the blue hair of the tanned-skinned demon with both hands. Will's mouth was warm, welcoming and moist. He'd spent too many years sucking cock at Ford's behest, and had acquired enough experience to provide excellent blowjobs. Dipper's cucumber was nothing compared to Stanley's thick cock or Fiddleford's long dick. When Cipher had swallowed it, he touched his lips to the boy's waist and sucked on it, even smacking his lips around it.

There, he began to move his head, sucking him, slurping him, causing Mason to lay his head back and open his mouth, letting the hot breath escape. Will looked up to see Gleeful fully flushed, with his jaw clenched to stop him moaning and wriggling, twitching, close to cumming. Yes, he was fast, and that was great as it meant Will wouldn't have to keep his jaw sore. Pulling his mouth away from Dipper's cock, Will sighed, jerking him off with one hand while the other stroked the boy's testicles.

“Mabel can get in our way... she has Stanley, Fiddleford and Soos on her side... and you have me... if you can distract her, I'll find this extra-dimensional being and bring him to you, and then you can do whatever you want... Master Stanford will give you what you ask for, and it can be anything. Anything,” he said emphatically, noticing that Dipper was so close to cumming that he couldn't answer. He therefore decreased the frequency of his masturbation, “What do you say, Master Dipper?”

'Master Dipper', that had been his last card. Mason couldn't think with two hands so soft and so skillful caressing his cock and balls at the same time, and in his urgency to cum, with his ego softened: “Fine! So be it!”

Ohhh, but the happiness Cipher felt was great enough to bury his mouth once again, this time with real enthusiasm, in Gleeful's cock. He sucked and licked it, making noises with his mouth, so excited was he. Dipper, for his part, grabbed his slave's blue strands and pushed his head against his own intimacy, contracting his testicles as the seed filled Will's mouth, who, in turn, swallowed it without hesitation. In the end, Mason was limp in the chair, his pants down, and Will, licking his lips, helped him get dressed and clean himself up with wet wipes. It was only at the end that he heard Mabel's calls, and when he got to her room, he realized what had happened. She wouldn't be waking up any time soon, so he left everything clean so that he could start his search.

Was it possible? Could everything have turned out so well?

[...]

That night, Mabel slept like a baby, not even waking up to drink water. Dipper spent the night making plans on how he could keep his sister occupied, one of which involved drugging Stanley with enough Viagra to keep his cock hard. Pacifica cried when she ate dinner in her room, unable to eat without throwing up afterwards. She cried in the shower, scrubbing herself until bruises formed on her body. She cried herself to sleep in bed, and had a strange dream about a yellow triangle offering a deal. Gideon went home without his best friend, and his father counted the money his strange friend always gave him when he wanted to see the white-haired boy. And Will? Well... Will went off in search of the creature that had shaken the structures of that world with its presence.

If only Axolotl could see him now.

[therantsofawriterrr]

The Umbrella Academy Final Season: My Version

Part Four: Marigold Once Again.

Overview: Five and Clementine go on to search Gene and Jean's house. Jean and Gene find marigold, which then leads to something either hopeful or terrible.

TW: mature language, tell me if i missed anything Pairings in the chapter: Five×OC mostly (close proximity and all that) A/N: ok so the reason that I've written Five to be like a lot softer is cause imo in s3 he got like a little bit softer. and idk i just feel like he'd get even more softer in s4 but it'd be only for some select people to see. i do hope i've still kept his snarky personality tho lmao.

Masterlist

"Is there a reason we're hovering around a neighborhood at four in the fucking morning?" Clementine asked Five with a big yawn, sitting in his car. Well, it wasn't exactly his, he'd borrowed it from Viktor. "Because you might not sleep, but I sure as hell do."

"Don't worry, I got you this," Five said and handed her a cup of coffee. He was in another outfit, wearing a pair of casual jeans, a t-shirt, and two jackets to battle the early morning cold. Clementine on the other hand was wearing jogging pants, a t-shirt, and a hoodie.

"I don't drink black coffee," she stated. "It messes up my system."

"I know. That's why I got you a cold coffee with dark chocolate," he said, his face twisting in disgust. "As much as it pained me to say those words, I didn't want you running to the toilet between our mission."

"We're here for a mission?" she said after a big gulp of the drink, already looking a little alert.

"Yes. That there," he pointed to a house in the distance. "Is Gene and Jean's house."

"Okay. So?"

"Well, we need to search their house," Five said plainly, turning his head to look at her with a matter-of-factly look.

Clementine's eyes only furrowed as she tipped her head back to finish her coffee, shuddering as she gulped it in. Then, after wiping her lips with her sleeve, she turned to face him.

"Why?"

Five threw his hands in the small space of his car exasperatedly. "Why does it even matter, Tina?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because we should be focusing more on the missions that are assigned to us."

"Oh, fuck that," Five said in the same annoyed tone, his hands on the steering wheel. "It's easy as hell and you know it. This.. is a real challenge."

Clementine leaned back against the car door, looking at the house. Then, she sighed in defeat. "Fine. But this is absolutely off record."

"Obviously," he said, opening the door and exiting the car. Clementine followed, throwing the coffee cup into a trash can on the way.

They walked, keeping their heads down, shoving their hands in their pockets. They went round the back of the house, picked the lock on the back door, and entered through there.

"You know when the folks will be back?" Clementine whispered, switching her flashlight on, shining it around.

"Yeah, they'll be here till seven," he said, switching his light on as well. He'd kept a thorough watch on them for about two weeks.

They took different rooms to search, not really finding anything of importance, but making sure to place it perfectly as it was. After two hours, they stood in the hall tiredly, talking in hushed tones.

"Well, that's two hours of my life wasted," Clementine muttered.

"Believe me, Tina, I wouldn't have brought us here at an ungodly hour if I didn't think we would find anything," Five retorted back.

"Yeah, well, we didn't, did we? Do we have anything that we can write in a report? No."

"Yeah, fine, maybe I just need to tail them even more," he muttered.

Clementine took in a deep, calming breath, setting a hand on her hip. "Okay, no, alright? You're not doing that."

Five scoffed and looked at her with a challenge in his eyes. "Oh, what, are you gonna stop me, Clementine?"

She returned the look taking a step closer to him. "Yes. Drop this case or I tell Lance."

He let out a laugh with no humor, shoving his hands in his pockets. "You're gonna snitch on me?"

"Yeah," she stated plainly with a nod.

"I'd like to see you try," he said with a glare.

She opened her mouth to argue, but there was some noise outside. Keys jangling, one slotting perfectly into the lock of the front door. Two people talking excitedly.

Five and Clementine were frozen, Clementine's wide, panicked eyes on the door as Five's thoughts ran a mile a minute in his head.

He moved first, pulling her with him, to a basement downstairs that looked unused. Which probably meant that they didn't go down there much.

There were big shelves in there, and half of them were filled, helping them hide in a corner.

"I thought you said they don't come back till seven!" She whisper-shouted.

"They did for the last two weeks!"

"Well, darling, that was a nice find, wasn't it?" they heard from upstairs.

"That's Jean with a J," Five whispered to Clementine.

"Yes, darling. Though, what do you reckon it is?"

"And that's her husband, Gene with a G."

He saw her lip twitch into a smile, as she bit her cheek, making him smile in amusement as well.

"Oh, I don't know, Gene. And, y'know, who cares? All we know is we have more proof to get more people in on this," Jean replied happily.

Five and Clementine shared a curious look, straining to hear more.

"Oh, could you just hold this, darling?" Jean asked, followed by a noise of some tinkering, like glass against glass. "Oh, while you have that, just keep it outside the basement, yeah?"

Clementine suddenly jolted with a hand on her mouth, making Five jump with her.

"What?" Five gritted out.

"The door! We didn't close it properly!" Clementine whispered in panic.

Five looked at the door to check and found that she was right, the door was a bit ajar. They could get suspicious, given their nature and their jobs.

"Fuck," he cursed under his breath, and kept cursing, looking around and finding some old, dusty cupboard. He got up, pulling Clementine up by the hood attached to her hoodie, almost making her yelp as he pushed her into the small space and got in with her, closing the door on them, just leaving a crack to see through.

Both of them held their breath, Clementine's hands curling around his jacket as she looked through the crack. Five almost fell on top of her, his hand slapping onto the wall of wood beside her head and the other went to hold on to her hoodie pocket for balance. She gasped as she helped him regain his footing, both of them catching each other's eyes as they breathed once again, realizing their nearness to each other.

At the same time, Gene was stumbling down the corridor that led to the basement. Balancing one crate of these jars of golden, glowing bullshit was one thing, but two of 'em? That was another thing.

It was harder because he couldn't see where he was going. He was relying solely on muscle memory as his arms started going numb from the heavy weight.

"Jean! I think I'm gonna drop these!" He called out to his wife.

"Oh, shit! Hold on, darlin', I'm coming!" Jean answered.

But, she was delaying too much. Gene's arms went fully numb, and the crates slipped from his arms, falling down. All the jars broke, leaving the golden, glowing particles to float into the air, flying speedily outside the window, and as if it had a mind of its own, parted into small groups, going to find their respective destinations.

A few of them went into the basement, going through the items on the shelves, including an old radio which had a cassette stuck in it. The power of those particles caused the radio to start up again, playing the beginning of Sweet Caroline, making Five and Clementine jump in the closet, their eyes going to look through the small space that the door left.

The particles went through the crack of the cupboard, looking like very tiny fireflies, but they didn't really notice, more focussed on the fact that Gene was coming into the basement to collect the old radio.

He chuckled, going out and calling out to Jean, telling her that the old radio was working again. Five and Clementine heaved relieved breaths, the golden particles that had been sucked out of Five, permeating through his skin

In the corridor, where Jean was fuming, Gene started to lead her in a dance to cheer her up, and even if she was sad, she started smiling. Dancing with one's love was always nice.

Where it began

I can't begin to know where

But then I know it's growin' strong

A group of the marigold travelled through various buildings and ventilation systems, to end up in Luther's apartment. It filtered in through the gate of a shaft in his bedroom, flying up, twinkling and gleaming as it flew into his slightly open, smiling mouth. His dreams hadn't been giving him trouble and despair for the past few nights.

Was in the spring

And spring became the summer

Who'd have believed you'd come along?

A pair of groups travelled an even longer distance, ending up in the home of Allison Hargreeves Chestnut. Allison, who was practicing lines, in the bright living room, didn't even think of anything else as she just sighed and gave it another shot, the marigold seeping into her skin.

Hands

Touchin' hands

Reachin' out

Touching me, touching you

Meanwhile in the basement, Klaus was munching on some midnight cereal as he watched a cartoon on the television. He was finally happy with himself for once. Content. He distractedly put the spoon in his mouth as the marigold went into the skin on his arm, illuminating it for a second before disappearing.

Sweet Caroline

Good times never seemed so good

I've been inclined

To believe they never could

Another ended up in a dingy motel room where Ben sat, lonely and bored, with his head bent and eyes closed. He was resisting the urge to call Klaus, to ask if he wanted to go for a walk somewhere. He took in a deep breath to calm himself, breathing in the marigold with the air.

But now I...

Look at the night

And it don't seem so lonely

We fill it up with only two

Another big group, travelled through a sweet neighborhood with houses filled with families, one of them being the house of Diego and Lila. The marigold entered through their bedroom window, where they were lying in bed entangled with each other. Lila hadn't been a big cuddler before Diego. But then, here she was, reaching for him while she slept, as he gathered her up in his arms, a hand cradling her head on his chest and hugging her to him in his sleep. Their shared breaths were filled with the marigold.

And when I hurt

Hurtin' runs off my shoulder

How can I hurt when holdin' you?

One group went to Dallas, to a little farm outside, going through the stables and scaring the horses, before entering the barn, where a boy was playing with his toys. Looking at the golden particles he smiled in awe, then went back to his toys, playing with them, as the marigold seeped into the skin on the back of his neck.

Warm, touchin' warm

Reachin' out

Touchin' me

Touchin' you

Another was floating in Nova Scotia, in a closed bar, where Viktor was drunk on half a bottle of whiskey, thinking about his fucked up dating life. The patrons had been right earlier, when yet another girl broke up with him. He had blown through all the girls in town. The last good relationship he'd had was with Sissy and he sighed. He missed her.

It was his last thought when his upper body fell facedown onto the table with a snore. The marigold went into his body by the skin of his hand.

Sweet Caroline

Good times never seemed so good

I've been inclined

To believe they never would

The other particles went to various different places, to various different houses and rooms, just like they had into their mothers before they were born.

Sweet Caroline

Good times never seemed so good

I've been inclined

To believe they never would

Awake or asleep, all 44 of them had the same vision. Albeit, for the ones who were awake, it was more like a flash of memory.

A world where all was fine. No powers. No apocalypse. No foreign elements. No mysteries to solve, nothing. Just people, living their lives, as time went about normally.

Only for seven people, was it truly a dream, one they would have liked to achieve the first time.

Another A/N: Omg i hope y'all like this one. I had so much fun writing this one. I feel like I should use this technique when I write my novels too, it just seems like a lot of fun. But yup, stay tuned for more parts! And yes, i do recommend listening to the song while reading it, like maybe just the scenes with the song.

Likes, reblogs and comments are highly appreciated!!! Tysm for reading🩷❤️💖

[weirdocvnt08]

Title: That Moment When You Gotta Use The Toilet In The Middle of The Night But The Air Be Too Cold To Leave Your Warm Bed

Relationship: R!Leonardo/Yuichi Usagi

TW: If this had a rating it’d be PG-13 bc of the cussing & butt touching but it isn’t meant to be sexual & is just these gay middle aged old farts being silly & unserious

Words: Under 700

Author is listening to:

Summary: It’s cold, so it only makes sense to use your spouse as your own personal heater 🙄👐 (I’m sorry if this seems like total crack but I swear this is fluffy and I’m just trying to be humorous </3)

~~<3~~<3~~<3~~<3~~

Leo opened his eyes as he awoke, his body feeling off and after a minute of staring off into space he finally realized that the thing he was feeling was him needing to empty the tank; in cruder words, take a huge fucking piss.

He took in his surroundings and after scanning his eyes around he figured it was some time around midnight with the lack of light seeping into their room and Usagi still cuddling his form instead of being in another position (who could’ve ever thought that even in sleep ADHD continues to do its own hyperactive thing).

He tapped the side of his husband’s face and after a couple taps his eyes shot open and after seeing it was only Leo relaxed his eyes closed again and release a low “mmh” in question.

“I gotta pee.” Was all he told him and Usagi understood as he rolled himself onto his back and took his limbs down with him. Free from his grasp, Leo pulled their blanket back and he immediately regretted the decision when his senses got attacked by the frigid air. Goosebumps simultaneously littering his skin.

“Fuck, never mind” he voiced, not wanting to bear another second out in the cold temperature. He covered his body again and scooted close to Usagi. He then flipped onto his side and wrapped his arms around his neck, snuggling comfortably against him as his body just seemed to radiate such wonderful heat.

He laid there, sleep coming back to him as his eyelids started to droop but no matter how comfortable and warm he is right now that fullness in his bladder was so annoyingly persistent that once his leg started to bounce in urgency he huffed and begrudgingly detached himself, quickly lifting the sheets and getting up from bed before he could even try to talk himself out of it.

After slipping his feet into his fuzzy baby blue slippers he exited the room and made his way to the other side of the house to get the bathroom. With his arms tightly clutched around himself to garner some of his own warmth, he quietly yet quickly walked to his destination but halfway there he had to take a double take when he saw his third oldest child making herself two softball sized onigiri with the leftover rice they had for dinner and spicy tuna filling. In normal circumstances there’s nothing really wrong with what she’s eating but lately Gumi’s been feeling sick in the mornings and it’s because she eats so late in the night and goes back to bed with the food not having been properly digested, thus causing her to experience an annoying case of acid reflux.

She must’ve felt his presence since she hesitantly turned her head around and jolted when she saw him standing a couple feet behind her. She nervously chuckled and attempted with an excuse that she was just prepping them for her to eat in the morning and not now.

He wasn’t buying it, so he told her to put it in the fridge and to go back to bed since she had school the next day. She sighed dramatically; as much as an eleven year old could which was a lot, and wrapped up the last of her onigiri. Before she could put them away though she boldly asked, “Can I at least eat one though?”

“Girl” he reprimanded in English but it didn’t detour her from continuing to try and get him to cave as she gave him her best puppy dog eyes and pouty lip. Not really having the energy nor the time really to stay and continue back and forth with her, he told her she can only have half before putting the rest away and needing to floss and brush her teeth again before going back to her room.

After she flashed him a quick half of a finger heart in appreciation, Leo left to make the rest of the way to the bathroom and finally do his business.

When he exited, Gumi was out by the door waiting for him to finish up so she could use it next, and before retreating back to his room he bent down to hug and wish her good night.

Back in their room, Leo shuffled towards his side of the bed and settled himself back under the covers. It wasn’t as warm as it was when he first got up but he knows just the thing to get him all toasted up again.

Usagi was back to laying on his side facing Leo’s way, making it much easier for him to get really close and wrap and arm over him while his other one slid under Usagi to fully wrap him in an embrace.

He snuggled against Usagi’s warm bare chest and breathed in the comforting scent of his clean skin. Another full feeling started swarming inside of Leo, except this time it was just pure emotion as affection rushed through him at the sleepy sight of his spouse.

Everything else of Leo was getting acclimated to the tepidity surrounding them except for his hands which were freezing cold from washing his hands.

He first warmed up the back of his hands on the center of Usagi’s back which immediately caused him to inhale sharply and jolt from his touch. He groaned tiredly as Leo used his body like some sort of heater then drowsily opened his eyes when he felt Leo’s cold hands travel down underneath his underwear and rest on the cheeks of his butt.

“Don’t wake me up to complain how I farted with your hands still in there ‘cus I never told you to put them there. Just to give you a head up.” Was all he mumbled out as he adjusted his head onto his pillow and sighed as he tried to fall back asleep.

The warning did nothing to pull his hand away and in fact just made Leo give the fairly glutenous globes a playful squeeze.

“I’m just trying to warm my hands up dude. Not my fault your dump truck is like the warmest part of your body.”

“I’m feeling violated and used right now.” He flatly feigned to which Leo only nuzzled his nose onto Usagi’s adam’s apple, jokingly replying in a deep raspy voice “You know you love it baby.”

A firm palm then tried to push Leo’s head away, and Leo only laughed as he dug his face deeper against Usagi’s neck, giving the area a few nips and kisses.

It took about two minutes for heat to absorb into his hands and once Leo felt that he’d stolen enough from Usagi, he ran his hands back up onto the large of his back and trace various random shapes; the most notably of them all being a good amount of small hearts.

Drowsiness soon started to take over Leo’s senses the more comfortable he got. He could feel the way his consciousness slipped in and out of slumber, and the well-known weight of his husband’s arm laying over him and the cozy heat now shared between them aids in quickly lulling him to sleep.

Usagi on the other hand awake with the little consciousness he had left, was thinking about how he needed to go to the store and quickly replace their broken heater with a new one before cold hands and feet being shoved onto the warmest parts of him become a norm in his life once again.