#tw: suicide idealization

[medievalthymes]

fitzchivalry farseer - realm of the elderlings / pierre bezukhov - the great comet of 1812 (dust and ashes)

[braedenhales]

TEEN WOLF MEME [6/8] SCENES ⟹ "MOTEL CALIFORNIA" [3x06]

[lloydfrontera]

i don't buy that lloyd would get over his fear of the restoration of fate that quickly. he was doomed by the narrative for years and now he's supposed to shake it off in less than two weeks? absolutely not, he literally tried to kill himself in order to avoid it, ain't no fucking way he just stopped being scared about it in a couple days i don't believe it

anyway. this is my way of saying that lloyd refused to cross dimensions until he made javier swear that he would kill him with his own hands if there was even a hint of the restoration of fate starting up again. he wouldn't consider going back if it meant putting his family and home in danger again even if it meant being left behind in a place he would've rather died than stay at.

and they both know that javier would fall on his own sword before hurting lloyd but they also know lloyd would take his own life before allowing him to do that or to let his existence put his loved ones in danger again. they know lloyd doesn't really need javier to kill himself, not if he's really committed to it. he's done it before it after all.

him asking javier this is. a warning. of what he's planning to do if the restoration of fate starts again. it's his way of telling javier that he cannot promise things will be okay if he comes back. that he must be ready to lose lloyd again if necessary because lloyd won't allow anything else.

it's also maybe... an indulgence on lloyd's part. he's felt himself die so many times now. and so many of his deaths were painful or terrifying or surrounded by his enemies and sometimes all three at once.

but he remembers a sunset, a coat over his shoulders, shaky yet reliable hands holding a sword. a quick, peaceful death on his own terms, done by someone lloyd trusted with something far more important than his life.

and he knows it's selfish, he knows it's cruel, but if he has to die, for real this time, can't it be at the hands of his best friend? if he has to be killed, can't it be done by someone lloyd knows cares for him? if he has to close his eyes and never open them again, can't the last thing he ever sees be the face of the person he loves enough to die for as many times as necessary?

and javier agrees because. what else can he do. he spent so long hoping lloyd would finally trust him enough to tell him what he was planning so javier could help him in anyway he was able to and now. now lloyd is asking this of him.

he desperately doesn't want to say 'yes'. but he cannot say 'no'.

what else can he do.

what's the point of being the most powerful human on the world if he can't even protect the one person he swore to protect above all things. what's the point of him if the only thing he can do is promise to kill his best friend because he has no other way to protect everything they've worked for.

how can he promise lloyd that everything will be okay, that things will work out, that if needed javier will die for him before letting anything happen to him, when he already failed before.

what else can he do

anyway. i don't think any amount of end spoilers and confessions to the jewel of truth are enough to soothe the terrified, paranoid and utterly traumatized part inside lloyd's chest that goes tight any time anything goes even remotely wrong for a good while. it takes a couple months, maybe a few years even, before lloyd stops going cold every time there's even a hint of trouble around him. before he stops reflexively looking to javier's sword to calm himself down whenever things don't go perfectly right in every way.

it takes a while. but it does happen. and things aren't perfect, that's not how life works, but they're good and even when they aren't, lloyd can finally face them and believe they're not his fault. that his existence is not an obstacle for the happiness of the people he loves.

[bubblespalace]

Hiiii!! I hope ur day is going good !! („• ֊ •„) I really really hope I’m requesting in the right spot (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ) Anyways, can you do how the Sakamaki brothers would react to falling deeply in love with someone who is dying and there is no way to prevent it? Take ur time ofc and if there is a character limit and I just didn’t see it you can just choose randomly if you’d like !! Hope u have a good week !! (⌒▽⌒)♡

Bubble: I absolutely love angsty asks so ofc!! Thank you for the love, know I am sending positive energy back! I wanted to make this accurate, so I do mention suicide. Please note, I am not trying to idealize anything. I have struggled with this. But this is how a select few boys would actually think.

Trigger Warning

"Even if it's not something I can prevent, I'll stay. Until your end, I promise. I have never, ever, felt as though I need someone so much... I'd be willing to go after you, if that's what you'd want."

"I refuse to believe there isn't a cure to this. I shall search day and night, no rest. You will not be leaving me... Not when I'm accustomed to you the way I am."

"I'm not allowing what's mine to leave me, chichinashi. I'll get that Tableware Otaku to come up with something!"

"I don't want you to ever leave. Why must I have the most unfortunate luck, to fall in love with the one dolly I can never keep. You must promise to not leave me entirely, please. I love you too much..."

"I'll spend as much time with you as I can, Bitc- ...Y/N. I won't let you have a single bad memory during this time. I'll give you everything, even during your last moments... Why do I have to lose you when I finally have you to care?"

"I don't... I won't be able to go on without you, you know. I'll be dead the moment you die anyway... Just hold on, for as long as possible. For me, please."

[starwrighter]

I have a cold and that’s scarier than anything I could write this October. Tw suicidal idealizations

So! 3/??? Halloween prompt.

Danny is in Gotham because his sister was invited to tour some prestigious school in Gotham because of how smart she is. Danny’s not resentful, truly he isn’t. He’s proud of her. He’s happier for her than he’s ever been for anyway. It’s just… Hard knowing the future his death stole from him.

Seeing his sister succeed while he still has to fight to keep what little remained of his life is bittersweet. He’d never say any of this out loud because he loves her and she’s one of the only people he can truly count on to support him.

After a few days in Gotham with all these bitter and depressing thoughts Danny start to believe that he needs to die. He doesn’t want to kill himself he just… Wants to not be Fenton or phantom anymore. He doesn’t want be the stupid failure of a kid in a family full of geniuses. He doesn’t want to be seen as a villain or hunted for trying to help people. He’s just so, so so so tired and just want’s to not deal with any of this anymore.

Danny goes ghost for the first time since entering this city. Sitting on a roof with his head tucked in between his legs. When he hears someone drop behind him going on this whole spiel on “Not jumping,” it strikes him as odd because the usual response to seeing phantom is anything but compassion. Danny waves the guy off with a mournful smile and a reassurance of “I think you’re a bit too late to save my life, most that’d happen now is me phasing through the core of the earth”

The guy sits next to him, shocked when his attempts of patting Danny’s shoulder passes right through. Danny can’t help but snicker. “Don’t worry about me I’m still new to the whole ghost thing,” he looks disturbed at Danny’s response but not in the way people usually did when they saw phantom. He introduces himself as nightwing and Danny finally recognizes him as one of Gotham’s vigilantes.

“How do you do it?” The question spills out of his mouth bitterness leaking into his words. Nightwing looks confused.

“Everyone loves you guys, everyone trust’s you,” his eyes water as he speaks

“No matter how many people I save, how many buildings I stop from collapsing and criminals I stop, they still paint me as this monstrous villain,”

“I can’t believe I died for this shit,” Danny scowls, Nightwing is speechless. Danny then decides that he doesn’t want to be turned in to the GIW by a vigilante and dips.

Dick and the entire fam who were listening to the entire encounter are horrified because apparently there is a child who fucking died being a vigilante and people are attacking for it?! They make the connection with the ghost dick talked to and phantom but not the connection between phantom and Danny Fenton. Danny is very confused when the entire justice league comes down on amity park the moment they get home.

[tubborucho]

Tubbo and Badboyhalo – I look in the mirror and remember when I saw/know that I will see you as a reflection

taglist: @pastelvangelion @smallz-o @salineroses @dynamicworms @cindersnows @deadfishisyeq @snyland @missstrawberry @frubbotoxicyuri @haloberry @thecardboardbutterfly @avianchorus @qtubbo @an-egghead @kadextra

dm me if you want in or out of taglist

credits:

1. https://pin.it/1nZjUdS

2. N/A

3. @.dvoyd

4. “So Far So Good: Final Poems” Ursula K. Le Guin

5. “Broken Hierarchies: Poems” Geoffrey Hill

6. “House of Earth and Blood” Sarah J. Maas

7. @.warpromised

8. “How to Cure a Ghost” Fariha Róisín

9. “Dance Dance Dance (The Rat, #4) Haruki Murakami

10. @.aesterismos

11. https://pin.it/1afKWH0

12. https://pin.it/23agLaj

13. https://pin.it/1Bdwsi6

14. “My Year of Rest and Relaxation” Ottessa Moshfegh

15. @.ostolero and @.charlotteinfinityxx

16. darkoceans, the washed up collection

17. https://pin.it/3jictRn

18. twt: @.yuriando

19. “English Song” Fernando Pessoa

20. “Prayer for the Newly Damned” Ocean Vuong

21. @.mjalti

[khaopybara]

❝My wife.❞

LEE SOOHYUK as PARK JOONGGIL and KIM HEESUN as KOO RYEON episode 14 of TOMORROW

[goldenrodchef]

What will you do if you can't get everything you want, and you have to choose? You can't ignore that possibility forever.

I'm going to be human again. Stop saying that I won't be!

I'd rather die than be stuck like this for the rest of my life.

[blueshistorysims]

Late July 1925, London, England

“I’d like to go back to Scotland,” Montgomery mused, combing his fingers through Samira’s hair as she laid her head on his bare chest. “Fuckin’ tired of England. I’m ready to go home.”

Samira nodded. “Always wanted to go to Scotland. See the Highlands. That’s where you’re from, right?”

“Aye. North Perthshire, was born near the clan seat before me family moved to Edinburgh when I was ten.” He swallowed. “Would ya like to come with me?”

Samira was quiet. “Leave London society and be a housewife?”

He frowned, sitting as she slipped behind him. “I’d never force ya to do anything ya dinna want to.”

“I know that. …I don’t mind being your mistress—oh, don’t make that face. It’s what I am. Your mistress.”

“Mistress to who?”

“You’re still in love with Edeline.” It wasn’t an accusation. It was a fact. “And I know you’re in love with Byron—even if he doesn’t realize it… or return it. I know you’re not ready to be married again, but I know you love me as well. And I’m content to be your mistress in the meanwhile.”

Montgomery sighed, closing his eyes. “Sometimes I think I’m the most selfish man in the world. I dinna deserve any of this.”

Samira hugged his body tighter. “You’re speaking nonsense. I don’t fuck selfish people. They always focus on themselves and not their lover. You certainly do not.”

He snorted at her bluntness. “...I feel guilty so often. What’d Edeline think of me?”

“Well, would you have acted on your attraction to Byron if she lived?”

“I wasn’t aware I was attracted to him until we met again. Perhaps I’d ‘ve found him attractive but never acted on it. I dinna ken.”

“Then why should you feel guilty?”

“He’s still me brother-in-law.”

“Men marry their dead brother’s wives all the time.”

“That’s different.”

“Is it?”

“I miss her so much,” he whispered. That wasn’t a confession you were supposed to tell your lover. “I was… lost when she died. I dinda know what to do, what the point of livin’ was. …On the first anniversary of her death, I was in Greece, had spent the day in the ruins of the Temple of Poseidon in Sounion. Standin’ on the cliffs, overlooking the ocean… considered jumpin’ off. To be with her. End me misery. In the end, I was uh too much of fuckin’ coward to do it, so I walked back to me hotel room and drank ‘til I passed out. It wasn’t the first time I’d considered suicide. Or the last.” He sighed, sniffling. “I’ve never told anyone that. I’m just… so afraid of bein’ alone.”

Samira rubbed his back gently as he bowed his head, near tears. “You’re not alone. You have your family, friends who care about you, patients who rely on you. And of course, you have me. I have you in my claws, you’re not getting away from me anytime soon,” she added, chuckling. 

Montgomery pulled her into his lap and buried his face in her neck. “I love ya,” he whispered. 

She nodded. “...I’m going to India after Byron and Eleora’s wedding. I think my parents would actually like you considering you hate England, hate the empire, and support the independence of your own nation. You’re everything they would want in a husband for me, except that you’re white and Christian.”

He chuckled.

“I want to show you the real India—you haven’t lived until you’ve tried my Ājī’s Basundi.”

“If ya’ll have me, mo ghràdh.”

[hurtmyfavsthanks]

Whumptember day 28

“I never should have let it come this far” Failed hero | Hospital stay | Begging for help

Content warning: Some of Whumpee’s dialogue could sound like suicidal ideation. Self-harm in the form of overworking. 

Whumpee couldn’t sleep. They rarely could, but it was especially bad when they were stuck in the hospital. They felt useless, desperate to claw their way from underneath the covers and get something done. More than that however, Whumpee was being kept awake by an overwhelming feeling of dread. Though they knew it was childish, they felt like a little kid waiting for a scolding.

They tried not to flinch when Caretaker walked in.

“Oh thank god–,” Caretaker rushed to their side, falling into the bedside chair and grabbing their hand. They were panting slightly, as if they’d run all the way to the hospital. “I came as soon as I could; I was so worried when they said you collapsed. What happened?!”

It was the question Whumpee had dreaded hearing. Not that it mattered, because Caretaker already knew the answer. As soon as their brain caught up, as soon as they noticed the bags under Whumpee’s eyes and the ink stains on their fingers, they’d realize. Whumpee averted their gaze.

Sure enough, Caretaker’s expression fell. “Whumpee–,”

“I know, alright? I overdid it. We don’t need to have this argument again,” Whumpee cut them off, pulling their arm away.

Caretaker didn’t look convinced. “We clearly do. You’re supposed to be in recovery Whumpee, not spending all day running yourself ragged. When was the last time you got a full night’s sleep? The last time you ate an actual meal?”

“I’m fine. I can do all that once this is over, and it won’t be until Whumper is caught.”

Caretaker sighed, some of the frustration in their expression fading. “We all want to see them caught, but we don’t know when that’s going to happen. You can’t put your recovery on hold for something that could take years.”

Whumpee squeezed their eyes shut, cursing themselves were the spike of terror that ran through them at the thought. Years. It could take years to find Whumper. What if Whumper found them first?

The beeping of Whumpee’s heart monitor sped up. Caretaker was kind enough not to mention it.

“You’re hurting yourself, and I can’t just watch you do it.” Caretaker’s voice wavered. “Do you know how scared I was when the hospital called me? Terrified. I thought,–I was so scared that something horrible had happened to you. You have to understand how much it hurts me to see you like this.”

Whumpee did understand, and they hated it. They hated making Caretaker worry, hated being the reason for their tears. It gnawed at Whumpee, making them feel guilt for something they had to do. They had to find Whumper.

Whumpee’s eyes stung, a shiver running down their spine. They bit their lip. “I should have never let it come this far. The reason I have to do this is because–,” because they’d been a coward. They’d been so terrified of Whumper, so terrified of everything, that they couldn’t bring themselves to leave the comfort of their bed. They’d wasted so much time. “--because I was being lazy. If I’d acted sooner, Whumper wouldn’t have had the chance to get so far. Now I have to catch up.”

“Lazy? Whumpee, you were recovering! You should still be recovering. You went through something horrible; nobody expects you to just be fine afterwards,” They could hear the tears in Caretaker’s voice. Caretaker grabbed their hand again, and this time Whumpee didn’t pull away. “Just–look at me.”

Whumpee did. Tears dripped down Caretaker’s face, their expression pleading. Whumpee could feel them shaking. “You’re killing yourself Whumpee, and I can’t watch it happen!” Caretaker shouted, choking back tears. “I can’t lose you again, not after everything that’s happened!”

Whumpee couldn’t stand to see them like this. “I’m right here, you’re not losing anything.

Caretaker shook their head. They held Whumpee tighter, as if terrified that they’d vanish right before them. “Please Whumpee, you have to stop this.”

But Whumpee knew they couldn’t stop. Not yet, maybe not ever.

At least if they were dead, Whumpee thought as Caretaker sobbed, they wouldn’t have to be so afraid of Whumper anymore.

[mr-urple]

Rambling about some sensitive topics (depression, suicide idealization, self-harm) Proceed with caution.

I was talking about how my tumblr family is my only lifeline in my last post and like. It’s true. Val. Tomi. Cin. Phan. Endy. They’re the only people really stopping me from completely ruining and/or ending my life. This post isn’t me trying to pressure them or anything. I just. I don’t think I say it enough, but I really do appreciate all of them. I think if I lost any of them I don’t know what I would do. Maybe getting attached to people online isn’t the safest thing, but I genuinely do love all of them so much. Each in their own different way. I’m not the best with words, and a lot of the times I feel like I’m too blunt or not emotional enough (especially when someone’s venting: I’m VERY solution oriented and I usually try to give advice instead of comfort 😓), but I just want to say I love all of them so. SO much. I’ll admit that I’m actually avoiding the kitchen nowadays because whenever I hold the knife to cut up ingredients, my brain almost always thinks about either cutting my skin or just straight up stabbing myself. I… actually do harm myself in several different ways. Starving myself, banging my head on the table until it bruises, even clutching my throat until I’m about to pass out just to feel the sensation of being near death. But I stop myself from going further. I stop myself from actually choking myself to death or slitting my throat or running into the middle of the street solely because I think about what the gang would do if I suddenly disappeared. I think about how I would never get to hang out with Cin and Tomi, how I wouldn’t be able to maybe attend Phan and Endys’ wedding, how I wouldn’t be able to hold Val close to me. And I don’t think I could handle not experiencing those things. I might care about them a little too much, but I suppose it’s a good thing. Because it’s stopping me from doing anything too rash. Unfortunately my mental state is still rotting in the gutters, but at least I’m trying not to make it worse. I want to get better for them. I don’t give a single shit about myself, but I would do anything for them. And honestly I’m. Grateful for that. I’m grateful that they haven’t pushed me away or rejected me. I’m grateful they consider me their family and talk to me and think I’m somewhat worth being around. I’m grateful they deal with my bullshit and listen to me ramble. Because that - THEY give me some form of happiness in my life. They motivate me to get through the day. They’ve saved me from going down a spiral countless times. And. I don’t deserve them. But I’m glad they’re here.

[dazzelmethat]

Long time no Bud. Wow the last time I made her a ref was 2018. I experimented some with her pallet. Unsure if I like the profile head but oh well, open mouthed anime inspired profile faces are notoriously hard for a reason.

Sigh. What am I going to do with her.. my writing conundrum workshopping in tags. My tag rant mentions plot related suicide and ableism (in relation to the zombie trope).

[lil-miss-pitiful]

Sometimes, when bad things happen to me, I pretend that I’m going to die soon.

Acting like I’m about to die any day now makes me feel like none of it matters, and it’ll be all over soon

Of course, I never die in the end.

But maybe if I wish hard enough…

[rubberduckyrye]

So, a friend of mine showed me a "Kokichi Defense" video that mentioned one of my metas a couple of times. And while I watched it mainly to see if they referenced me anywhere else (and just for the shits and giggles), it does remind me of my own theories regarding Kokichi... and how a part of me st ill feels like I never quite finished analyzing his character as shown on screen.

I wrote a LOT about certain aspects of him, about the things I saw in his character arc and story--but despite me not really knowing what else I could have added to the table, it still feels like I left things on a cliffhanger. Like there was more to dig but that I couldn't see, or got burnt out to the point everything was a bit of a blur.

However... There is one thing I do know I want to talk about, and it relates to my Mass Mercy kill Theory, and why I believe that Kokichi's actions towards the mercy killing were genuine. Something that I was thinking for a long minute about after I had watched the defense video. Not something related to Kokichi, but to my perspective on things, and why I came to the conclusion of his Mercy Killing plan being more genuine than others like to believe.

It's because... well, I know what it's like first hand.

I think I mentioned it on my original theory that I didn't want people to argue with me about the Mass Mercy Kill theory in general because of "personal reasons." Well, this is why--it's because I know what that despair is like personally.

When I lived with my parents, it was a horrible situation no matter where I went. Abuse left and right, degradation, dehumanization, helplessness, worthlessness, hopelessness--there was no "safe" place for me. Hell, I once considered it to be safer to be homeless than to live with my parents, and had to be talked out of it by my friend.

When faced with such a despair... suicidal thoughts are easy to come by. Yet I think this is why my perspective on Kokichi's actions in the 4th trial are different than most--because where I think a lot of people don't think about their motivations for their suicidal thoughts as deeply as "I was miserable/depressed", I took the time to analyze it extensively. I guess you can say the thoughts I had during those times were so terrifying that, as a coping mechanism, I wanted to know its source.

I wanted to know what made me think living wasn't worth while.

Self esteem issues are often a big culprit, but... my main source for these thoughts, they were just... a plea for release. The mercy of death. The hope of everything just, finally coming to an end--because suffering was pretty much all I knew, and thought I would only know.

Mercy killing was introduced to my life in the form of pets who grew old and had to be put down, so the concept to me wasn't anything new. I knew when my first dog died, because my parents didn't lie to me about it. They told me straight up they put her to sleep. I was probably like five or six when my first dog died.

So when I had these horrible thoughts, it was really easy for me to like, immediately know where the desire was. I was suffering, so thusly death must be my only answer.

It is, at its route, mercy. Even in its most fucked-up, twisted form of logic, it was still a desire for mercy.

I think that maybe that's why I think of Kokichi's actions in trial 4 to be a genuine attempt at a mass mercy kill plan. Because I saw myself in that situation, except in a situation that was far more miserable and far more dire. One where living would be truly meaningless.

From that perspective, everything made sense to me, because I already know that feeling well. It was easy to make the leap of "Mercy kill everyone before the find out the horrible truth" in logic because I knew where step one was.

I often have memory problems when I think about my time with my parents--the first twenty years of my life. My mind actively tries to forget how bad it truly was, just for a semblance of normalcy. Like, maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe I was the one in the wrong.

But... no. That's just the lie my mind tries to tell me when I can't remember the first 20 or so years of my life well.

But yeah, sorry for the downer of a post. I just kind of wanted to get my thoughts out on it before I forgot.

[lolsonic-idk-man]

Talk to Me: part 3

I'VE FINALLY DONE IT! like a week ago

Part 1, Part 2, part 4, part 5, part 6

It has around 3650 words so definitely the shortest chapter. Anyway, I've made my sister cry and I have some trigger warnings :D

TW: Suicidal idealization, Attempted self-harm, panic attacks.

How was Nightmare meant to feel?

Dream was crying, wailing the following day, sometimes sobbing words of discouragement to himself.

Nightmare would normally relish the idea of hearing Dream suffer, but…

No. Maybe the horrible turning in his chest was because he hadn't gotten the chance to see Dream's suffering. Yes, that had to be it, he wanted the true satisfaction of seeing Dream's suffering, not just hearing it.

Sci would more likely than not have some cameras that would do, somewhere in his lab. He would be sending Dust to pick up at least ten, he has had quite enough of Sci for a month.

In the meanwhile he and the rest of his men would survey Dream's hiding place after he made his return to the Omega Timeline.

Nightmare knew that Dream's place was probably massive,(Why wouldn't Dream pamper himself? He's the oh-so-loved guardian of positivity.) It was going to take a time to properly comb his house.

The sooner the better he supposed.

A quick study of the tracker's precise location before it went offline was all Nightmare needed for a portal of swirling negativity to open in front of him.

" So this is where the banana comes to be alone huh? " Nightmare's right hand said as they entered the small apartment. " Would have thought he would choose somewhere nicer, ya know, being the Guardian and all. " 

Horror granted an affirmative to Killer's note.

The apartment had only one room and a tiny bathroom that sat right next to an even smaller closet with three sets of Dream's usual drapings hanging and black strapless jumpsuits folded on the ground. A twin-sized mattress lay on the ground opposite the closet. A counter, sink, mirror that could be opened, and cupboard sat on the same wall as the door, facing the end of the mattress. 

Frankly, the worst part had to be the smell of mold that had wrenched itself into everything. (How did Dream not reak of mold? HE'S SLEPT HERE.)

Was this what Dream had let himself fall into? Did he truly live in such squalor? He came here to cry? Pity himself? Hide.

Didn't matter. All this did was make Nightmare's life easier. He could ambush Dream here, watch to find more weaknesses of his.

See? Nightmare could work with this. It's not like he cared about Dream's well-being, and it's not like Dream cared for him, regardless of the lies he spewed during their battles.

He supposed the only problem with this was that there were very few places a camera could go without being noticed, if any at all. He could always hope that Sci would come in with a somehow perfect device for the situation.

Actually, who needs hope, it's Sci, he always has something.

On the topic of the coffee addict and cameras, he should probably get Dust before he agrees to be a test dummy for one of Sci's experiments.

A portal grew from the shadows as Nightmare instructed his boys, " Find somewhere to place video equipment, I will retrieve them and Dust. " He walked through the swirling negativity as he finished.

Fuck, he was too late.

Dust was seated in a cheap office with one of his arms strapped to a metal table by him as he scrolled through his phone with his other hand, with Sci ready to inject Dust's arm with some unknown subsistence.

Nightmare's tentacles were quick to yank the needle out of Sci's hands grabbing his attention, " What was that for!? "

" You were about to inject my subordinate with something, and for all I knew it could kill him. " Nightmare snarled

" Oh please like I'd give him something like that, " Sci rolled his eye-lights. " It's just enough amino amides to knock out his ulna and radius so that I can get a proper sample. "

" And what do you plan on doing with it? " Nightmare crossed his arms, his tentacles twitching like a cat's tail.

" Figure out the density of magic that makes up his body. "

" Why would you want to know this? "

" Don't know, " Sci shrugged. " Thought it'd be interesting. Maybe useful in a medical field of some sort. "

" How large would this sample be? "

The scientist turned his head back to Dust's arm and studied it for a moment. He placed his hand on its side like a knife at the start of Dust's forearm, turned back to Nightmare, and shrugged.

" No, you can't have Dust's forearm. " Was he going to have to scold Sci like a child?

" Why not? He agreed to it. "

" I am his guardian, and I will not be giving you my consent. " Nightmare growled.

" So you admit you see us like your kids? " Dust piped up, still scrolling through his phone.

" I never said such a thing. "

" You said you're our guardian. "

" That is my title, and with how I have to look after you all I may as well be. "

" So you admit being like a father figure? "

" Do not put words in my mouth Dust. "

" I'm telling the Horror and Killer. "

" You will not. "

" Too late. "

The Guardian of Negativity rubbed the rig of his nasal cavity and groaned, already done with the next week. " We’re setting up so get your duff off that chair and grab the supplies. "

Dust shrugged and waited for Sci to finish grumbling about how Nightmare couldn't understand as he removed the straps holding his arm down and handed him the box with all of the supplies.

With the cameras in hand, Nightmare pulled Dust through the still-open cut in reality back to Dream's run-down apartment. Nightmare would not adjust to seeing that this was the type of person he hated so.

" Have you figured out where to place them Killer? "

" Cours' Boss, " His right hand gestured to a corner of the mostly empty closet, and the now open cupboard that only had a cup and plate. " And we could tempt underneath the mattress, but I don't think any of us want to touch it. Don't know what's growing on that… Maybe Horror would! "

A firm slap to the back of his skull that made him wobble and a growl from Horror was the only thing he got from the statement.

" Well damn, okay, just a growl would have been fine, " He turned to Horror in fake annoyance. " Who am I kiddin', it was well deserved. BUT! Onto more pressing matters, " Killer turned to stare Nightmare down with his non-existent eye-lights. " You admitted to being the fatherly figure none of us had/remember having? "

" No. "

" HE DIDN'T STAB ME! WE HAVE A CONFIRMED FATHER FIGURE! "

Oh for fucks sake.

~~~~🌕~~~~

Luckily after his subordinate's celebration, the rest of the setup went without a hitch. The cameras were smaller than they had thought, making it easier to hide them, and considering how little space there was, it was quick.

Dream didn't return to his hole that day or the day after, he came back after the Bad Sanses next supply run.

" It's fine Dream, you're fine, he says it every time, nothing has changed, nothing has changed, nothing. Has. Changed. " Dream was leaning over the sink staring at his reflection. " And… it won't ever change… he'll always hate me. " Dream looked like he was slowly reaching a tipping point.

" Did he always hate me? Was I just that terrible of a brother? How many times have I asked myself that, far more than I should have that's for sure. " Tears flow from his eye sockets. " He may as well have done it out of spite. I wish I could tell myself how wrong I am, how he wouldn't have done it just because he hates me, b- but it's clear that I never knew him. " A smile that didn't match his quivering eye-lights tightened its thread.

" Why can't I let go? "

The dim glow of Dream's tears fell in silence, filling the sink's shitty plumbing.

What was the sting in Nightmare's chest? Why wouldn't it go away!?

Why did his anger only make it worse?

Dream ended up sleeping on the mold-ridden mattress that night and arose with dark bags that challenged Nightmare's corruption underneath his sockets.

He struggled to even sit up and used the wall to force himself to stand so that he could wobble his mostly asleep legs to the mirror and open it.

Inside were a few bottles and pellets of white creams or compacted dust, Dreamed reached for one of them without thinking and applied it underneath his eye sockets in an attempt to hide the bags that had formed.

Once finished he placed it back, closed the mirror, and looked himself in the socket.

Why were Dream's eye-lights so dim? So dull. He looked so tired like he had pulled three all-nighters and run a marathon every day. Where was the blinding light that Nightmare was forced to adjust to so that he could fight him?

Dream let out a shaky breath after a few moments and attempted to sew on a smile, only for the stitching to be wired. " Come on Dream, you've been doing this for the past… all, your life… " His eye-lights dimmed as he sank into thought.

" NO! No, no. New idea, I stop thinking and get back to smiling, go to the Omega Timeline, and act like I never came here! " A strained smile forced its way to Dream's face. " yeah… I never went through that… "

Dream stayed quiet, still trying to make his smile seem natural and forcing his eye-lights to be brighter before opening the bathroom door and walking into a world that was not there before.

Well now Nightmare knew how people got into the Omega Timeline, but it probably wasn't that simple.

Anger swirled in Nightmare. At whom? He didn't know. But it didn't matter his frustration would just be let loose whenever he deemed the positive side of the spectrum grows too large.

To which it did.

Dream had barely gotten the word " brother " out of his teeth and Nightmare lashed out. His tentacles were lanced with the intent to kill and his words to scar.

And it seems that his words succeeded. The Guardian of Positivity entered his tattered apartment a little more than an hour later and immediately fell to the ground, pulling his legs to his chest and burying his skull in them. His breathing started to quicken and become strained as he started to choke on his sobs.

" I'm a moron. I'm stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! " Dream started to murmur into his arms that curled around him. " I'm a selfish prick! I'm useless! So useless and so fucking dumb! I'm an asshole! He said so many times before! He's not my brother! He's not my brother, he's not my brother, not my brother, not my brother, not my brother, he's not, he's not, HE'S NOT! " A few ragged breaths, " I lost him a long time ago, I lost the right to call him my brother when I ran away like the useless selfish asshole I am. I just stood there, I just watched, I JUST FUCKING WATCHED. I ran away, I ran away from him, I ran away from everything instead of facing it like I'm supposed to. I let them hurt him when I was supposed to protect him because I'm useless, useless, useless useless useless! And I had the guts to cry about being overworked! I didn't work enough! The villagers were angry because I couldn't do enough! It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault, my fault, my fault… "

He continued the loop for a few more minutes, slowing down till the only sound left in the room was the once-a-while hick in his breath as he slowly went limp, falling into sleep in the same spot on the floor that he started.

The black apple in Nightmare's chest stung. It wanted to go to its twin and comfort it, but it also wanted to hide. Run away from the pain that he caused.

But he didn't know why.

Normally his soul would sing to the idea of anyone's misery and especially loud at the idea of his brother's. After all, Dream neglected them for the villagers.

But Dream blamed everything on himself. Nightmare didn't even blame Dream that much. He couldn't blame Dream for the villagers' actions. They were not his.

In the past, he wanted to and did. The only reason he didn't now, was because his boys had questioned why he blamed Dream for what the villagers had done. (They also jammed the fact that Nightmare was much younger at the time and was no longer allowed to call his past form weak. BUT IT WAS!)

He admitted that he was a terrible sibling at least. He wasn't. So far that was one of the only good things to come from this venture, and with how it was going there was no point in having his boys waste their time watching this with him. He didn't want them to see his weakness.

Dream came back multiple times while Nightmare planned the next attack. Nothing new was said in his brother's latest cries for peace, the same guilty pleas as before. The only thing that was new were the stings of guilt from his soul and how they got worse every time he saw Dream's dim eye-lights.

His men had also grown worried for him as he locked himself in a room to watch and listen to his brother, but today was the first time any of them said anything.

" … Nightmare? " Horror was the first one to say anything.

" Is there something you need, boys? " The Guardian of Negativity looked up from his latest draft of a deal that should get them some new chemicals for Dust to play with and sell to Sci.

Killer, Dust, and Horror stood in the opened door of his office, each with varying levels of concern. " Not much, " his right hand continued. " Just wondering if you're okay, ya know, considering the Dream situation. "

Nightmare sighed knowing fully well that was what the question was going to be. " I am fine, just struggling to figure out what to do with the information we have. "

" Yeah, figuring out that you still care for someone is hard lol. "

" What did you say, Killer? " Nightmare's eye-light stared him down.

The sadist looked over to his coworkers, " See told you he hadn't figured it out! "

" Killer, what is the meaning of this? "

Killer chuckled a little, " Come on Boss, no one looks at someone who they say they hate having a panic attack so uncomfortable unless they cared to some extent~ "

" Out. "

A kackle, " Mmmkay, see ya Boss. "

That was a concept that Nightmare did not like. He had spent centuries with a hatred of Dream. How in all of the world could he care for him?

The statement that he hated oh so ended up being what he couldn't stop thinking about. Even during his latest battle with Dream. He was silent. Dream made a few attempts to talk to him, not once calling him brother, why did that hurt? All failed.

In all honesty, Nightmare was barely paying any mind to the fight, it was still in debate. And it seemed that his turmoil only stirred Dream's own.

" He didn't say anything… " Dream stood stunned and confused, to say the least. " Is that good? N-no, it can't be good, he was so angry last time. Is he planning something big? " He let out a singular huff of air. " Of course, he is, he always has something ready. But why was he so quiet? Was he trying to shut me up? That wouldn't be shocking, I doubt he's ever enjoyed listening to me blabber about things, even then. So what!? " Dream rubbed his face. " Am I just not worth talking to… Of course, I'm not worth talking to. When have I ever been? " He groaned, walked to his bed, and sat in the corner with his head hidden in his legs as he continued to question Nightmare's intentions.

Why? Why does it hurt Nightmare so? Why does Dream thinking he is only capable of causing pain, hurt his soul? Why in the name of Toby Fox would he care what Dream thought about him? Why would he care at all!?

Why does he want to hate the one being that has done nothing wrong to him? Why did he hurt Dream? Why did attempt to injure his brother? 

Why did Dream still care for him? Nightmare had done nothing but torture him since he had been freed of his stone prison. What was wrong with Dream!? Maybe something was wrong with Nightmare?

Dream definitely had something wrong with him, (Didn't everyone in this multiverse?) He returned to the small apartment a few days later with a small purple cupcake with a candle. He placed it on the tiny counter and opened the middle drawer, hesitating before reaching in, grabbing a lighter, and placing it by the cupcake with his hand still around it.

He stared the dessert down, letting out a sigh as his eyebrow creased. " It's gonna be seven years tomorrow. Well, I guess 507 years. It doesn't feel like that though. It doesn't even feel like one… " Letting go of the lighter Dream makes his way to his bed and sits in the corner. " I should be 19 tomorrow, not 507. "

How did Nightmare forget such a thing? The following day was the day Nightmare gained his freedom, the day the villagers regretted their actions, the day Dream was trapped in stone, the day Dream was freed from stone, and the day they were created.

" What are you going to do tomorrow? What big event is going to push the balance to its limit this time? "

Silence.

" Why am I even doing this? Why would you want me to celebrate your birthday? " 

Something shattered.

Dream's skull wiped to the source of the sound, the bathroom. Removing himself from his mold-ridden mattress and into the room of origin.

Glass was scattered across the room, when Dream opened the door – Yes, Nightmare had the decency to let his brother have the privacy of the bathroom. – A rock sat in the walk-in shower. Dream looked up at the small foggy window above the shower head that was now forever open.

" O-oh… " Dream's skull dropped. " Well, I guess that answers that… "

He sighs, " Why am I still doing this? Why am I doing any of this!? Why am I still fighting Nightmare!? Why am I trying to make sure the multiverse stays balanced when I couldn't even take care of a single village!? Or Protect my brother! I was the worst choice for this fucking job, also I never asked for it universe! " 

Dream grabbed his golden cerite off his head and threw it across the room hitting the mirror, making glass spray all around the small apartment. " I never wanted to be your damned Guardian of Positivity! I just wanted to sit under a damn tree and listen to my brother! " Tears prick out of the corners of his eye-sockets as he screamed angrily at the multiverse. " Why can't I have that!? My entire life has been centered around making everyone else happy! But I can't be?

" I could've been a normal person! Nightmare could've been normal! No one would've hurt him, neither of us would have been so stressed, we could have just been happy!

" I could just stop, what would you think of that universe!? Mmmm? Mmmm? What would you do then? What would you do if I stopped working!? Mmmmm!? " A few heavy breaths. " I could… I could stop… I could just quit. " A crooked smile crawled onto Dream's face. " The multiverse would be thrown into chaos, but who cares? I could be selfish for once! Would it be that selfish though? The multiverse would probably be better off if someone else took the responsibility, and Nightmare would like that! He wouldn't have to put up with me anymore! And I won't have to do anything anymore! "

Dream rushed to the counter where he left the cupcake and opened the same drow that he got the lighter from, but this time pulling out a box cutter.

Was he?

His brother pulled out his soul, staring down at it wordlessly as he held the box cutter.

The once soft golden glow his soul held was gone, in the apple's stead was a brown rotting mush of what should be.

Had Nightmare pushed Dream to this?

He did, didn't he? Nightmare had done nothing but torture, someone who had tried their best for everyone, had their childhood stripped away from them, had a larger responsibility than anyone should bear thrown at them when they were young, and his brother.

Dream had done nothing but try to understand, try to fix whatever the problem was, and Nightmare only pushed him away and blamed him for feeling scared of his abusers.

A sound pulled Nightmare from his realization. 

" No…  " Dream pushed his rotting soul back into his ribs. " I can wait till tomorrow. That way it's a birthday present for both of us, I can be free and he can do it himself. Like he's always wanted. It should be easy enough, I can slow down a bit. Maybe I'll trip. I've been fairly tired lately after all. "

Nightmare's original plan for their birthday was to attack the Omega Timeline, hence why he was trying to find a way in. Now though it was definitely too late to attempt that and Nightmare had lost the will to after all he'd seen.

But he was going to have to do something, or Dream would probably kill himself.

[quietwingsinthesky]

domestic destiel with baby jack except that dean wants to kill himself the entire time because he feels like he’s trapped and can’t keep going through these motions that he doesn’t feel