#tw: involuntary drug use

[allthecanadianpolitics]

The New Brunswick government is pursuing a controversial approach to addressing drug addiction that could result in people being forced into treatment against their will.

That approach would be carried out through legislation giving police officers the power to order someone to undergo drug rehabilitation in the "most extreme cases," where they pose a danger to themselves or others, said Public Safety Minister Kris Austin, in an interview.

"The objective always is to get people the help that they want but some people are so deep into their addictions that they simply can't make that decision," Austin said.

Full article

This is a blatant attempt to remove autonomy from people who use substances- especially mentally ill people. It implies that people who deal with addiction don't "deserve" the right to make our own choices, and gives cops the framework to take that away from people. Involuntary treatment does more harm than good, and many people subject to it are placed under inhospitable conditions that only make their situations worse.

(commentary from Samira, @politicsofcanada )

[aftgficrec]

You’re so right, friend, it’s been far too long since we’ve recommended this fantastic fic!  Thanks for submitting it. - S

We Used To Be Friends by gluupor [Rated M, 104576 words, complete, 2020]

Neil's life is thrown into disarray when his best friend is murdered. As he starts his senior year of high school, he finds himself on the outside looking in, a social pariah whose former friends are only too willing to bully and ostracize him. Working for his father, a private investigator, leads him to evidence that his friend's murder may not be as straightforward as it seems. Neil throws himself into the investigation, hoping that solving the case might help him regain some of what he lost.

tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: implied/referenced drug addiction, tw: non-consensual drug use, tw: involuntary outing, tw: classism, tw: racism, tw: bullying, tw: violence, tw: homophobia, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced murder

[oliversrarebooks]

we'll make great pets

This bit of pet whump was partially inspired by Stray by @sowhumpshaped and by my innate desire to write protagonists who are kind of assholes.

tw: pet whump, dehumanization, brainwashing, involuntary drugging, captivity, abuse, dystopia, whumper turned whumpee

"Morning, Scout," said Max in a groggy mumble as he ruffled his pet's hair. His pet looked up at him with adoring eyes, as always. It was curled up safe and warm in its nest under a pile of weighted and woolen blankets, and Max couldn't help but be momentarily jealous. He'd love to slide back into his warm bed, but the driver would be here soon and his dad would kill him if he kept skipping out on his stupid business classes. 

Pets didn't have to worry about any of that. They didn't have to worry about boring-ass college lectures or overdue papers or their parents riding their ass about the family legacy. All they had to do was eat, sleep, and obey their masters. Must be nice, in a way.

"Here, I brought you breakfast." As Scout sat up, yawning adorably and rubbing the sleep out of its eyes, Max tossed it a breakfast packet in one of its favorite flavors, egg and cheese. Max always bought it the good stuff, premium pet food with lots of protein and all-natural, high quality ingredients. His pet ate as good as he did, most days. Scout happily slurped up the food as Max refilled its water bottle and dumped its pills out into his hand. 

"Down the hatch, boy," he said, popping the pills into his pet's mouth and quickly following it up with the water bottle before it could spit the pills out. Scout was well-behaved, having come from one of the finest pet facilities on the Eastern seaboard, but it was sometimes a little fussy about its pills. Max's dad used to slap and yell at the poor thing as though it were capable of knowing better. It had been a lot happier since accompanying Max to college, several hours away from his parents. So had Max.

With his pet all settled, Max turned to his closet to dress himself. Half his clothes lay in a pile on the floor where he'd tossed them aside, dissatisfied, the other day. The housekeeper wouldn't be coming until tomorrow so he'd just have to live with that. "I can't believe how trash all these clothes are. I gotta go shopping. Don't you think so, Scout?"

Scout nodded from his bed.

"Exactly. You get it. Just don't tell Dad how much I've been spending. It's our little secret, okay?" He ruffled Scout's hair as it laughed softly. Scout rarely ever spoke, much less gave up any of Max's secrets. It was a bad habit of Max's to talk to Scout as if it were a person, especially when no one else was around. Scout had been a birthday present for Max's seventh birthday, back when he'd been his parents' great hope instead of their great disappointment, and he couldn't help spoiling it a bit.

Max finally settled on a 90s inspired outfit with a bold floral print, paired with chunky jewelry and an oversized watch. He admired himself in the mirror, slicking back his hair and appreciating his flashy fashion sense.

The next thing was to delve into Scout's clothes to find something complementary. Scout's wardrobe was nearly as large as Max's, and far less constrained, since no one expected a pet to be dressed in the latest designer fashion. Max was free to outfit it in thrift store finds and homemade altered goods, soaking up the compliments he received on his picture perfect pet. 

Fashion was his passion, after all. His parents just didn't get it.

His phone was buzzing insistently by the time he finished up with Scout, and so he grabbed a granola bar, clasped Scout's leash on, and dashed out the door to the driver. Scout lay its head in Max's lap in the backseat of the black SUV as Max checked his schedule for the day. He groaned and suppressed the urge to fling his phone out the window when he saw his entire morning would be filled with Economics 300 and Business Negotiations II. 

Screw it, he'd just sleep through those. He could scrape a C no matter what he did, and Cs got degrees.

In the afternoon he had -- ugh, he'd forgotten that mandatory pet testing was today. It was required each year from everyone between the ages of sixteen and twenty-four, designed to make sure the pets occurring naturally in the human population were found and given appropriate treatment. It was, of course, trivially easy to pass if you were a person, but it was over three hours long and insanely dull.

Max had always passed with flying colors, of course. It was ludicrous to even test the heir and scion of the Parkington Corporation, as if he could be a pet, but it was federal law and apparently not possible to buy his way out of it. 

His little brother, the obnoxiously hardworking golden child who could do no wrong in their mother's eyes, had passed his first pet test just last week, and of course their mother had thrown a disproportionate celebration. Max never got a cake and presents for something as silly as passing a pet test, that was for sure, but darling little Robbie was a genius no matter what he did.

Like it was so hard to prove that you're human.

A soft noise stirred Max out of his thoughts. Scout was looking up at him with a concerned expression. "It's all right, boy," Max soothed, running his fingers through his pet's silky hair. "Just gonna be a crap day. You don't have anything to worry about."

The car pulled up to the main building of McKinnon University, just a few blocks away from the Parkington Building her family had donated a few generations back. Fifteen minutes and one purchase of an enormous latte later, Max was dropping off Scout at one of the university's pet lounges. Pets weren't allowed in educational settings, of course, as too much mental stimulation was bad for them. It was a shame, as Max always found it easier to focus with Scout curled at his feet.

"Be a good boy, Scout," he said, ruffling its hair and handing it its favorite plush cow. "I'll be back soon."

Scout leaned into the touch with a dazed smile on its face. Its morning pills always made it drowsy, so Max knew it'd probably sleep most of the morning. They could go out for a walk in the park once Max was done with classes and his test, maybe play some frisbee, get some exercise.

With no small reluctance, Max left his pet behind and trudged to the lecture hall, ignoring the dirty look from the professor as he took his seat ten minutes late.

The classes seemed to drag on forever, as Max floated in and out of sleep, only catching bits and pieces of his professor's droning and powerpoint presentations before his eyes slid shut again. It didn't matter, none of this mattered. His parents' company was mostly run by the board anyway. He'd just let them handle all that shit while he built his fashion empire, his haute couture gracing celebrities at the Met Gala. Clothes that would make waves, clothes that would make people smile, clothes that would make people look good and feel good. What was even the point of being young and rich if he couldn't have fun?

Finally, Max was released from his last morning class, having learned precisely nothing. He had enough time to grab a bite to eat before the pet test, so he picked up Scout from the pet lounge and headed to a campus cafe that made a great quinoa bowl. He needed the protein and greens if he was gonna stay focused during the godawful pet test. 

Since he had a few quiet moments to himself, he pulled out his sketchbook and began drawing out some ideas for a portfolio. Seeing the pet lounge this morning had got him thinking of comfortable and basic looks -- oversized sweaters, leggings, pastels, messy bedhead. Maybe a touch of academia, too, with chunky glasses and pleated skirts. One good thing about campus was that there was never a shortage of people and clothes to draw.

"Hey, Maxie!" Nathan was calling him from clear across the quad, his voice almost as loud as his jacket. He was, unfortunately, one of Max's closest friends since grade school, as their families lived in the same area and they went to the same vacation spots a lot. "Nice outfit. Love the colors."

"Thanks. Love the tiger print."

Nathan laughed. "You hate it, don't even pretend you don't. Hey, Scout." He knelt down to the pet's level as Scout nuzzled against him. "Want some chocolate, boy?"

"Hey, don't feed my pet human food. It's not good for it."

"A little chocolate's not gonna kill it. It's not a dog, you know." Nathan plopped in the chair across from Max as Scout happily munched the chocolate bar. "Whatcha drawing?" He pulled Max's sketchbook from his hands without warning. "Oh, nice. She looks awfully cozy for a stick-thin supermodel."

"That's the idea," said Max, taking his sketchbook back. "I was thinking of the aesthetics behind places like pet lounges and schools and --"

"Excuse me, can I have a moment of your time, please?"

They looked up to see a student with mouse-brown hair and wardrobe to match, clutching a sky-blue clipboard. Max groaned inwardly. A fucking survey or petition or some crap.

"Um, I'm with the Student Ethics for Pets Association..."

Of course it was SEPA. They infested the campus year-round, but they were always out in full force when there was a pet-related event, like the mandatory testing or the annual Pet Festival. 

"I'm not interested," said Max. He agreed with the ethical treatment of pets, obviously, and if that was what SEPA was about, he'd be all for it. But they weren't just against mistreatment of pets, they were against pets entirely, even going so far as to claim that some pets were humans who had been unfairly forced into pet facilities.

"Most pet owners mean well, but they don't know the realities of the cruel tactics facilities use to train pets," she said, trying to push a pamphlet at Max. "Dangerous drug cocktails that result in intelligence and memory loss, brainwashing devices to ensure compliance, restraints that cause permanent joint damage..."

Max couldn't help his blood starting to boil. "I don't know where you think I got my pet from, but it wasn't some cheap pet mill in the slums that tortures pets. Scout lives better than I do. Does it look mistreated to you?" 

"That's not the only problem with pet ownership. There's also the mandatory pet tests. How do we know that people aren't getting caught up in the inhumane pet treatments due to a flawed test?"

"Yeah, right. The pet test is super easy to pass if you're not a pet." Down by his feet, Scout was pressing against his legs, clearly stressed and whimpering. If this kept up, he'd have to Tag Scout, and he hated to do it. "For someone who cares about pet ethics, you sure don't care that you're upsetting my pet."

"All I'm saying is --"

"All I'm saying is get the hell out of here with your propaganda and leave me alone."

"Fine, I can take a hint," she said, turning on her heel and flouncing away. 

Max scowled after her. SEPA was such a ridiculous organization. They would try to reel students in with reasonable-sounding arguments about saving abused pets and then start with their radical bullshit. It happened to gullible students all the time, and they'd go and look like idiots chaining themselves to pet training facilities and showrooms. "Friggin' ridiculous," he said, looking over at Nathan, who was watching the girl leave. "Nathan?"

"Huh? What'd you say?"

"Nathan, you don't actually believe any of that, do you?"

"What, SEPA stuff? Nah, not really," said Nathan, taking a long drink of his soda. "But don't you ever think about it?"

"Think about what?"

"What if the test is wrong sometimes? What if actual people get carted away to some pet facility and treated like a pet?" he said. "Wasn't there that girl who got taken from here a couple years back...?"

"Oh yeah, Victoria... Victoria what's-her-face. Her dad owned some tech startup, right, and it tanked after his daughter turned out to be a pet. That's gotta be super embarrassing for her family."

"Yeah, but... what if it's actually wrong sometimes?"

"You're not seriously worried that you're gonna fail the pet test, are you?" Max laughed. "C'mon, that doesn't happen. That pet probably knew deep down what it was. It was just pretending to be human 'cause it was afraid of getting caught. That's why they need the training and stuff, right?"

"I guess," said Nathan.

"Scout failed its test when it was my age, too," he said. "But, like, it was obviously failing out of college, getting super stressed all the time, crying in class... because it's hard for pets to pretend to be human. Don't you think the other way would be messed up, too, if we forced pets to just pretend to be human forever?"

"Yeah, that would be pretty messed up. They wouldn't be happy like that. I just don't like having to take this stupid test every year."

"Only a couple more years for us and we'll be done with it." Max's phone alarm went off. "Oh damn, we'd better get going if we're going to make it to the test on time. I don't wanna have to take the makeup test." They stood up, but Scout remained on the ground, curled up into a ball and whining. "Scout?"

"Is it okay?"

"It's upset 'cause of that crazy girl from SEPA. You can go on ahead, I've gotta get Scout calmed down," he said. 

"Alright. Good luck on the test." 

"Yeah, you too," he said, as though they needed it. He crouched down to eye level with his pet. "Hey, Scout, what's the matter?"

Scout flinched, shrinking away from Max. That was really strange. He hadn't acted like that with anyone but Max's dad.

"You gotta relax, boy. It's okay. I'm not gonna let some SEPA person liberate you or whatever," he said. "They let pets in the test room, but only if you can be calm. If you can't calm down, I'll have to Tag you."

Max should've know that would only upset Scout more. Scout backed away as best as it could, pulling at the leash, starting to actually cry. Shit. He couldn't leave Scout at the pet lounge like this, either. He didn't have a choice.

"All right, then, Scout, kneel."

Scout shook its head rapidly. "No," it said, almost too quietly to hear.

"C'mon, don't be like that. This is for your own good. Kneel."

It knelt down in front of Max, still teary and whimpering, as Max fished a Tag out of his bag. They were little disposable things that you clipped to a pet's neck that made them real quiet and docile for a few hours, perfect for calming agitated pets. They were also good for situations like vet visits and long flights, since it made the pet unable to form clear memories. Max bet the SEPA girl thought Tags were abusive, too, even though they were literally to help pets not be traumatized. Max normally tried to avoid Tagging Scout much, since he liked his pet to be active and happy.

Scout shut its eyes and bent over slightly so that Max could attach the Tag, a forlorn look on its face as he pressed the little disc just over its spine. "There you go, boy. See, that's not so bad, is it?" He pet Scout gently as the Tag's effects kicked in, its expression going glassy and vacant, a dazed smile replacing its earlier distress.  "C'mon, we gotta get going or we're going to be late."

Max was glad he had resorted to Tagging Scout when the pet curled up safely under his feet in the testing room. It wasn't that Max was nervous about the pet test, but it was boring as hell, and having Scout there helped him focus.

A big portion of it was just a bunch of bullshit psychological questions, which Max breezed through without thinking about them. Then there were questions about current events, word puzzles, a bunch of really weird abstract stuff... but obviously Max was human, so he was sure that his answers must be the right ones. He'd definitely know if he were a pet.

Finally, the test was over, and the entire auditorium of people had to be held there while the tests were scored electronically, so that they could take any pets aside. Max whipped out his phone and fully absorbed himself in his feeds.

"Mr. Parkington."

"Huh?" He looked up to see the test proctor standing by his desk. "Hey, yeah, what's up? Was there a problem with my test or something?"

"Could you come with us, please?" The proctor gestured at the exit door.

"What...?" No, it couldn't be. He couldn't have failed. There was probably some kind of mistake with his form or the grading machine. "Is there a problem?"

"There's no problem," she said curtly. "We just need you to come with us to discuss your test."

Max glanced around the auditorium. Everyone was staring at him, and not in the way he preferred. Well, no wonder. The stupid goddamn proctor was making it sound like he failed his pet test, in front of half the campus. He'd never live this down. "So was my test form unreadable or something...?" he said, hoping to salvage the situation.

She was implacable. "You need to come with us, Mr. Parkington."

He groaned, fighting down the urge to cause an even bigger scene. The people around him were already chattering about it. His parents were going to be absolutely furious about the rumors that would fly, as though it were his fault. They'd sue the school, no doubt, but by then it'd be too late. Goddamn it.

"Fine, let's get this over with. C'mon, Scout." He chucked his phone into his bag and picked it up, tugging Scout's leash. It seemed nervous, resisting a bit, even though there was no way the Tag could've worn off yet, but it followed Max out of the room just the same. They were led out of the auditorium and into a small side office, where there were a couple of cops from the Federal Pet Agency waiting, the ones who had supervised the test taking.

"We have good news for you, Mr. Parkington," said the proctor, taking up a seat behind a metal desk. 

"Good news? What kind of good news could --"

"Your pet test returned positive."

"What? That's it? You humiliated me in front of everyone to tell me that I passed? No shit, of course I'm a person."

The two agents glanced at each other.

"No, Mr. Parkington, I don't think you understand. I mean that we have positively identified you as a pet. You will no longer be required to act as a human, and your treatments can start today." Her smile didn't reach her eyes. "Isn't that good news?"

"...What?" Max felt as though the floor was dropping out from under him. "What the hell? What are you even talking about?"

"Your treatment can start right away, so if you'll just go with these agents --"

"What the fuck?!" he said, no longer caring about making a scene. Scout whimpered at his feet. "What the fuck are you talking about? Is this a prank? Is this some kind of viral stunt? Because I will definitely sue you to have the video taken down."

"It isn't a prank, and there is no video recording. Your test results are very clear cut."

"The hell they are! I've taken my test every year and I've never failed."

"I'm afraid you're mistaken about that."

"What do you mean by that?"

The proctor sighed and slapped a thick manila envelope onto the desk. "Your previous tests -- your real ones. Each one clearly showing that you are a pet."

"That's impossible! Then why --"

"There's a little known federal program that allows test results to be... deferred."

Max's stomach clenched. "Deferred?"

"It's an expensive option, and not widely publicized, but it allows families to suppress undesirable results for a year, while they get things in order," she said. "In your case, your family spent a great deal of money for seven years to delay the inevitable. However, this year they did not enroll in the program, so this is your final test result."

"No. No, that's not -- you're lying! You're making that up. There's no way. There's no way I failed any pet test, or that my parents paid money to cover it up. No way."

"It's all right," she said in a sickeningly condescending tone. "I know this must be very confusing, and that you've obviously been suffering without your necessary treatment for so long..."

"I'm not suffering!" He slammed his hands on the desk. The agents stepped closer, but the proctor was unfazed.

"Your grades in everything but your fashion drawing classes are --"

"I am not suffering because I'm bad at the business classes my dad forced on me!" Burning with frustration, humiliation, and a growing ember of dread, Max pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Actually, I'm going to call my dad right now. He'll put an end to this."

He was somewhat surprised that no one in the room stopped him from using his phone, until he turned it on and found no signal. "What the -- c'mon, you stupid thing --"

"Your phone service has been terminated," the proctor said. "Your parents have already been contacted by our team. They have been aware of this possibility and have made prior arrangements for you."

"No." Max's throat felt dry and his arms heavy as he dropped the phone. "There's no way. Even my asshole dad wouldn't let me be taken as a pet. I'm the heir --"

Wait.

The realization hit Max with the force of a semi-truck. The heir to Parkington Corporation. With Max out of the way, no longer a person, that heir would be --

His brother. His golden brother Robbie who could never do wrong. If they suffered the temporary humiliation of letting Max be hauled away as a pet, Robbie would be their only child. It wasn't just a matter of writing Max out of the will -- they wanted their un-favorite son to be out of the picture permanently.

Would they really go that far? The serious-looking proctors and agents in the room were a strong indication that they would.

And for the first time, Max felt true fear. This might not be a prank or a misunderstanding or an inconvenience. He might not be able to call his lawyers or his family to get him out of trouble. Even if it was a mistake, if he let them get their hands on him and process him as a pet... could you even come back from that? Wouldn't it be too late?

"I'm not going to let you take me anywhere," he said, inching towards the door. "I'll go borrow a phone and call my lawyer."

One of the agents immediately moved to block the door, unsurprisingly, as the proctor stood up. "As I was saying, your parents were aware of this possibility and have made prior arrangements for you."

"What arrangements?"

"You're going to be sent to the finest pet treatment facility on the Eastern seaboard, one that produces only high-end luxury pets. You're very fortunate."

Max swallowed hard. That sounded like the facility where they had purchased Scout for him. The thought of going through the same treatment as Scout...

That's when he realized that Scout was no longer at his feet. Instead, it was kneeling in front of one of the agents, having its head scratched. "Aww, who's a good boy?" he said. "It's you! Yes, you are..."

"Hey, Scout, what are you doing? Get away from him!"

Scout didn't even respond to him. 

"Don't worry about Scout. We're going to send it to the same facility where we're sending you, for retraining and rehoming. It's a very good pet and I'm sure it'll find an excellent new home."

Scout had been custom trained to Max's childhood tastes. They had grown up together, inseparable. And now Scout was going to have its memories of him wiped, ready to be sent to a new owner...

And he was next.

"Scout. Scout, c'mon," Max pleaded, desperation in his voice. "You're not going with them. You're going with me. C'mon, Scout."

Scout had always been the most docile and agreeable of pets, always listening to Max, following at his heels and coming at his beck and call. And yet now it steadfastly ignored Max as though he were not there.

"Scout!" Max didn't want to go near the agents, so he stood a few feet away from his pet. "Scout, listen!"

Finally, Scout turned and looked at him. It opened its mouth, then closed it again. Finally, it smiled. It wasn't the vacant smile from being Tagged or the excited smile when they went out together or the sleepy smile it had going to bed at night. No, this smile seemed almost... malicious.

"I hope we can play together when you've been trained," Scout said.

Max felt the world spinning around him. Even his pet thought he was a pet. This couldn't be happening, it couldn't.

An agent was approaching him in his daze. "Now be a good boy and come with us."

"No!" He jerked away from the agent's hand. He had to get out of here. He couldn't let them take him. He had to escape, find someone who understood. Maybe that crazy girl from SEPA. Maybe...

"You'll feel so much better once you've been treated," said the agent on the other side of him. "Don't resist."

"Like hell!" Max pulled his arm free of the agent's grasp and tried to barge between them, only to be met with sturdy arms knocking him backwards. While physically fit, he was no fighter and no match for two highly trained federal agents. In a minute he was been forced to his knees with his arms pinned behind his back, restrained. "Let me go!" he screamed as he thrashed. "Let me go right now!"

"The pet is resisting. It'll need to be Tagged," said one agent to the other, who nodded and pulled out an all-too-familiar flat black disc.

"No! No, don't! It's illegal to Tag a person!" said Max, knowing it was futile. 

"This is for your own good." One agent held him down as the other attached the tag. He could feel the cool plastic against his skin and the bite of small needles piercing his skin, a cool and numb sensation as the Tag took hold.

The world blurred around him as a kind of dazed drowsiness took hold of his body. "No... it's not..." he slurred.

His head lolled to the side as the agents hauled him up between them, keeping a firm grip on his arms. A distant part of him still wanted to put up a fight, but he felt so far away... so out of it... so strangely calm and peaceful. He blinked, and he was already out in the hallway. The agents were shooing away the students who tried to crowd around them and shove phones in his face. This was going to be all over social media. His parents would be so mad...

...no, they wouldn't. They knew this was going to happen. There was no one coming to rescue him, not even his dad's money. Max tipped his head forward and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to avoid the crowd's gaze.

"Maxie? Maxie, what the hell? What the hell, man?" said a familiar loud voice. 

"Nathan...?" He could just pick out Nathan's loud jacket in the crowd. "Help..." he said feebly. "I'm not a pet... tell them..."

"Holy shit." Nathan was rooted to the spot. He didn't seem to be moving to help Max at all as he was dragged away.

"Nathan...!"

Nathan pulled out his phone, took a picture, and then disappeared into the crowd.

The agents dragged him through the double glass doors of the auditorium to a black van waiting in the parking lot. Max couldn't find it in him to put up any resistance as he was loaded into the back seat and the doors were closed and locked. His head hit the window as he looked out at his college campus for possibly the last time. 

It felt so unreal. It still felt like something that couldn't possibly be happening to him.

Would he really be turned into a pet...?

No... they'd figure out he was a person before it was too late. They had to.

[slvt4em1lyprenti2s]

hii !! as i am a sucker for hurt/comfort could you maybe please write smth where emily prentiss x f!reader are already in a relationship and rewrite the episode with tobias hankel to be with the reader the one who gets kidnapped instead of spencer? thank you !

It’s not your fault

Summary: Rewrite of the Tobias Hankel storyline but reader gets kidnapped instead of Reid, Emily and reader are already in a relationship.

TW: kidnapping, torture, drug addiction, involuntary use of drugs, depression, hurt/comfort

Pairings: Emily Prentiss x fem!reader

A/N: I've never rewritten an epsiode before so tell me how I did!! Hope you like it anon 🫶🏻

Emily pov:

JJ's here, y/n's..... where's y/n? Oh god please. "JJ look at me." Morgan cut off her panicky rambling. "Look at me. Where's y/l/n?"

"We split up. She said she was going to go in the back."

I hear someone yell that the house was clear.

"So where the hell is she?"

My heart dropped into the my stomach. 

I frantically start searching the property for some sign of her as I walk towards the corn field, it looks like someone was dragged through it jeez. Wait, it looks like someone was dragged through it.

"I think y/l/n followed him into the corn field! It looks like somebody got dragged."

Instantly the team is by my side, desperately searching for y/n/n. My girlfriend, the reason I wake up in the morning. Gone. My chest starts to tighten and tears prick my eyes, I swallow down the lump in my throat and keep looking. I can't break down right now, I need to find her.

—

Reader pov:

My eyes are blurring and my head is pounding. I try to move but my hands and feet are bound to a chair, painfully tight. My thoughts are all over the place, where am I? What happened out there? Did JJ get taken too? Just as I'm about to try get out of the binds a person slams open the door.

He's carrying fish. It stinks.

"They're burning fish hearts and liver to keep the devil away." I stare at him without saying anything, I don't want to.

"They believe you can see inside men's mind."

I hold back the urge to roll my eyes.

"It's not true. I study human behaviour."

"You know what this is? It's god's will." He says totally ignoring my response already set in his ways. "Time to confess, y/n y/l/n."

"I have nothing to confess."

He slapped me. Once, twice, three times.

"CONFESS!"

Tears slip from my eyes, I don't say a word. He pulls out a knife and starts to slice my skin. A crimson river flows out of my paling skin, pain coursing through my body. I still don't crack. His fist makes contact with my face.

I just want this to end. I finally give into the exhaustion slipping into a dreamless sleep.

—

Emily's pov:

"I'm talking tomorrow morning to some guy who knew Hankel from narcotics anonymous. You should come with me. Why don't you come with me, get out of the house?" I say to JJ as I enter the bathroom.

"Yeah." she says back, clearly shaken up and deflated from the recent events.

"Okay. Great." I walk out of the bathroom and into my room.

There it is again, that funny feeling, like I'm being sat on. Or like there's a weight in my chest. Climbing into my bed I can feel it constricting my breath. Tears are pouring out of my eyes at this point, my legs are tucked into my chest and my breaths are short and fast. A wave of pain comes over me as I think about what's happening to y/n. She's hurting and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm failing her.

—

Reader pov:

"What's your name?" I ask the same man who walked in before. He's got multiple personalities that I need to differentiate between, I need to play this right.

"Tobias."

"Tobias? Who was here before?"

"It was probably my father. I'm sorry if he hurt you."

I see him reach into his pocket and pull out a bottle and a syringe. Oh god, please no. Don't do it Tobias please.

"What are you doing? Don't. Please don't."

"It helps. Don't tell my father. He doesn't know they're here."

"Please I don't want it. I don't want it please."

I can feel the warmth pulsing through my body. My system being thrown into a high almost immediately. I hate every second of it. I start to slip in and out of consciousness. I need Emily. I need the warmth of her skin, the softness and comfort of her voice. I need her kisses on my skin. I fight to keep my eyes awake but fail.

—

Emily pov:

"So what was Tobias' drug of choice?"

"Dilaudid."

The man keeps talking about how Tobias' dad used to beat him and burnt a cross onto his forehead. That's one hell of a stressor.

My head is spinning as we get back to the local PD. The evidence was all adding up, we had a name, address, background, information about his personalities. Why can't we find her? We even have live footage of her door goodness sake! I try to control my anger and begin licking furiously at my fingers, biting my nails. I need to find her.

"She's in a cemetery."

We call Garcia and get her to find a cemetery near by and there's one right by the barn. I don't think I've run to an SUV faster to be honest, I need her, need to hold her. To know she's okay.

—

Reader pov:

Im digging my own grave. This is not the way I wanted to go out.

"I ought to bury you alive in there, give you time to think about what you done." He stares daggers into my back as I dig.

"Dig faster!" He yelled at me, I can't dig any faster.

"I'm not strong enough." I say, dejected. I can't do this anymore.

"Y/L/N!" I hear someone yell in the distance.

"Over there!" Another voice calls out, I'm too delirious to register who.

"You killed him." Tobias said to me.

"Tobias" I say, suddenly feeling remorse for him, I don't know what's happening.

I see his body fall limp and realise somebody had shot him, it was over.

“Are you okay?” I hear Hotch say.

“Yeah, uhm can I have a minute alone?” I slowly walk up to Tobias’ body and stealthily reach into his pocket and take the dilaudid. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the only way I can cope right now.

As I’m walking away, Emily is straight by my side, just like always. She’s the only person who knows me, like really knows me. She’s everything to me.

“How are you holding up?” Her gentle voice breaks through the mist of confusion that had descended over me.

“I’m okay. Or, I will be.”

“Yeah, you will. I promise.”

—

Time skip to around a month after

Emily pov:

I’m walking through the doors of the apartment me and y/n share and I hear- well, nothing. Which is strange because normally she’s watching tv, doing something in the kitchen or making some kind of racket.

She might’ve gone out.

I try to reassure myself but have a sinking feeling of dread in my stomach. She’s not been the same after what happened with Hankel. It’s like someone flipped a switch while she was there, like something happened and now she’ll never be the same again.

I’m sure she’s fine.

I try to distract myself and go to take a shower. I walk into our bedroom and see the bathroom door is ajar, I go to look inside and see who’s in there - I assume it’s y/n/n. The sight before me is an awful one. She’s sitting on the floor, needle in hand, taking dilaudid.

“Oh my sweet girl.”

The look of guilt on her face as she realises I’m there break my heart into a million pieces.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I tried to stop, I really did. I didn’t want it I promise, I’m so sorry em.” Her eyes never met mine.

“Honey, it’s not your fault. Let’s stop this okay?”

She reluctantly nods and hands me the drugs. I tip the rest down the toilet and flush it. I put the needle on the side, planning to dispose of it later.

I offer her my hands and help her off the floor. As I bring her into my embrace, she’s noticeably thinner. The more I found out the more my mind races. What do I do? What do I do?

—

Y/n pov:

Oh god, oh god. I didn’t want her to find out. I’m trying to get a handle on it, she’s gunna be so mad at me.

I can feel my hands shaking and tears pooling in the corners of my eyes. Her hands clutch mine and helps me to my feet and pulls me into her. That’s when I finally break down.

“I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise. You didn’t do this. We’re going to get you help yeah sweetheart?”

I nod into her neck, where my head lays. My frail body feeling exhausted after this sudden intervention in my daily dose, the withdrawal settling in.

“Em..”

“I know, I know. And I’m going to be with you through it, okay?”

“Thank you. I love you so much emmy.”

“I love you too y/n/n.”

It’s going to be a long road, but, being with her is going to make it so much easier. I’m so grateful for having her in my life.

A/N if you ever struggle with addiction, please never hesitate to reach out and please seek help, you are never alone. You don’t have to suffer in silence.

[jujutsukatsuki]

Tw: toxic situationships, spitting, blowjobs, Bakugou being mean lol

This is dedicated to @ssplague, a wonderful mutual who i adore seeing in my notifications. <3

—

The phone was pressed to his ear, as he yelled into the umpteenth voicemail he left you.

“Answer the damn phone!” He yelled and paced around his living room

“I don’t pay for it just for you to send me voicemail, so pick up your damn phone!”

He hung up and tried again, it rang once and a half before he was sent to voicemail.

“God Y/n, I can’t fucking stand you, you know that? I fucking hate knowing you. I fucking hate that your shit is in my fucking house. I fucking hate that I love your stupid ass. You’re so just- god!” He scoffed

“It’s like, it’s like I need you like you’re some kind of fucking drug! Is that what you wanna hear? How bad I need you? Pick up the fucking phone!”

You giggled as you watched the voicemails stack up and the text messages make your phone buzz uncontrollably. You and him weren’t even officially dating, just fucking. But this, this was so fun after you two had gotten in a fight.

The voicemails and texts seem to stop. Until an hour later, he sent you a video of some girl with her face scribbled out, blowing him. Your blood was boiling.

You stormed to his house, using the key to let yourself in. You practically kicked his bedroom door open, greeted with him sitting on his bed with a snarky smirk. Not a girl insight.

“You fucking bastard! Where the fuck is your girl? Huh?”

“That was you dumb ass!” He stands from the bed and towers over you.

You stare at him, dumbfounded. Before you can think you slap him. His ear rings as he is now looking at the door to the bathroom, you watch the hand print form on his cheek, your palm stings as you stare at him. He looks back at you, it’s not anger or fear in his eyes. Lust. He’s getting off on this just as much as you are. The grip he has on your upper arms hurts, his nails digging into the flesh. You don’t have enough time to think about it as your back hits the wall behind you, it nearly knocks the wind out of you.

“You’re nothing but a dirty slut, you know that? Nothing but a dumb little cock sucking whore.” He hisses and forces you to your knees, he fists your hair tightly, nails now digging into your scalp. The pain feels good as you look up at him, with big doe eyes. Red eyes peer down at you, his cock is painfully hard beneath the grey sweats you loved so much on him.

“Be a good girl for once in your life and suck.” He hisses from behind clenched teeth. Bakugou shoves his sweats down, cock springing out. The tip is red and leaking precum. “I fucking hate you.” You glare at him before you spit on the length of his cock, you wrap your hand around the base and squeeze a little harder than you normally would. He grunts before he smacks your face a little harder than he normally would with his free hand.

“Did I fucking say to talk? No. I fucking didn’t.” He forces your mouth opens before shoving his cock down your throat. Your nose is buried in the little blonde hair of his happy trail, eyes filling with tears as you gag. You let your teeth lightly graze against the skin, earning another hiss and a harsh tugging on your hair.

“God look at you, gonna cry? Hah? Gonna cry like a little slut cause my cock is too big in your throat? God you’re so fucking dumb. You forget that I could careless princess. You’re mine to use however I want. Don’t you ever think you’ll get rid of me. You’re. Fucking. Mine.”

He’s facefucking you now, controlling how fast his cock is pushing down your throat. Spit is spilling down your chin and soaking your shirt. Tears staining your cheeks. You can feel the heat between your legs as he keeps mumbling how you’re his forever. The possessiveness is such a turn on.

Right before he’s about to cum, he pulls out. You let out a involuntary whine, Suki holds his hand in front of your face.

“Spit.”

You look at him as you do so, his cock jumps was he watches your brattiness breaks away, forcing you into being his submissive slut once more.

“Good girl.” He coos gently before he rubs the spit over your face, smearing the make up you wore. He yanks you to your feet before he shoves you onto the bed.

“You think its a good idea to piss me off, huh? To walk out of here like you did and not answer your phone? You think I want…” He stops talking as he stares at you, eyes staring at him waiting for his next move, spit and tears covering your face. He lets out a gentle sigh as he hangs his head, forehead touching your shoulder.

“I love you.” He says as he pulls his sweats back up. He grabs a tissue from the nightstand and wipes your face up.

“I love you and I hate it, I hate how you make me feel and how you make me feel better when your nails scratch my back after I had a bad day, I hate how you call me Suki in public and how you giggle at the stupidest things. I love you and i fucking hate you for it.”

You couldn’t help but start laughing, he looks at you like you’ve gone mad. “What?” He huffs as he stands over you, arms crossed.

“I love you too stupid. God do you really think I would have kicked your bedroom door in when I thought some other girl was sucking your dick? No. Do you think I’d be in your bed every night and morning? No. I love you.” You sit up and look at him.

“So.. what do we do now?” He asks as he sits on the bed next to you.

“You’re gonna ask me to be your girlfriend, I’m going to go home, get some clothes, my toothbrush and phone charger, and I’m going to stay the night. We’ll wake up in the morning, you’ll go to work. Ill kiss you goodbye, and then Ill go to work and we’ll repeat.” You smile and crawl into his lap.

“Okay.” He swallows, his hands cradling your hips. “Just.. promise me something.” He looks up at you, his hand comes up to brush a stray hair behind your ear.

“Anything for you Suki.”

“That you’re gonna be my pretty little slut.” His smirk is one full of devilish intent.

“Always.” You hum before you kiss him.

[astral--horrorshow]

Involuntary Blood Drive - Yan! Vampire Donatello x Reader

Based on @yanteetle 's wonderful vampire turts art!! I may or may not be planning stories for all of them 👀👀👀👀

This can be interpreted as platonic or romantic!

Sorry if any writing is goofy ahh, my brain was being weird when I wrote this.

Summary: Donatello keeps you as a one-person blood drive

TW: Blood, needles, blood extraction, implied kidnapping, condecension, toxic relationships

Word Count: 568

☆~☆~☆

You hugged your knees to your chest under the desk with one arm, using the other to hold your hand up to your mouth in an attempt to muffle your breathing. All in vain, for several steel, spider-like arms shot towards you and dragged you out by your clothes.

You were held up by them in front of the very person you were hiding from. You still didn't know if was right to call Donatello a person or a turtle or a mutant or whatever. You refused to look at him, but you could tell that he looked like he always did whenever you displeased him. His arms crossed, with a glower on his face. "There you are. Do you know the time that you wasted? I spent a whole two minutes looking for you," He scolded, "Because you decided that you weren't going to behave, our schedule is off for the whole day. Are you happy with yourself?"

He used a steel arm to grab your face and force you to look at him. He looked at the digital clock on the desk you were hiding under and heaved a frusterated sigh. "I'll let you off the hook this time, but only because we're already off schedule. Let's go." He set you down, but the spider-arms didn't let you go, they only continued to drag you along. "I don't want to! Leave me alone!" You whined as you fruitlessly tried to tug yourself free. Donatello turned around with a dangerous look in his eyes that froze you still.

"Stop fussing. Don't make me change my mind. You're already on thin ice." He flipped around again, continuing to drag you to the main hub of his lab. The vampire pushed you down onto a chair and strapped your ankles and one of your wrists down to to arm and legs. He kept your other wrist free to puncture your arm, finding a vein and sticking a needle in it, akin to a blood drive. You turned your head away from the sight of your blood being sucked through that clear, plastic tube like you always did.

The first time he did this was too soon after your arrival. He had to subdue you with a drug the first few time because you wouldn't stop struggling. He acted like it was because you wanted to be a brat and make things difficult for him. You just didn't want to be there, you had tried to explain to him. He had ignored, as he often did when you tried to argue against his treatment of you. You lowered your head and pouted, which Donatello didn't like very much.

"Hey," He grabbed your chin and forced you to look up at him, "Don't act like that. You're alright. You aren't dying or anything."

"It feels like I am..."

"No, it doesn't. Don't be so dramatic."

Donatello removed the needle from your arm once the bag was full, carefully sealing the hole in the bag. He walked over to you when he was done, using his metallic arms to pick you up again, holding you from under your legs. You were carried to the bedroom you were usually kept in and placed in an armchair, Donatello pulling out a water bottle from seemingly nowhere. You drank as he told you to, and you could almost see the slightest smile on his face.

[angstyandromanticwriting]

Molly O’Shea X Fem!Reader Angsty, Cute and Fluffy Imagine Prompt

• WIP!

• Based around events of Red Dead Redemption 2 game (Starting officially in Colter, Grizzly Mountains, but this might change - introduction is in Blackwater)

• There will be more!

!TW: Implied suffering from depression + Separation Anxiety + Anxiety, having to endure/hide from homophobia, jealousy, involuntary drug use, implied sexual occurrences, swearing, smoking, violence, self put-down(s) + elements of self doubt, mention of previously being kidnapped + abused, mention of child abandonment, weaponry, animal attack, injury detail, blood, implied suffering from PTSD, Hunting/Animal death + skinning, suicidal consideration(s)+ intent(ions) + attempt(s), presence of alcohol + implied substance abuse - if I’ve missed any, let me know ❤️!

You and Molly O’Shea had always been best friends - even verging on being something more sometimes, but eventually the time came when she’d visited you at Old Trail Rise near Lemoyne to tell you that she’d officially got together with a man named Dutch Van Der Linde, leaving you feeling unexpectedly as well as excruciatingly empty inside; you never thought that you’d lose her to someone else, though she’d suggested that maybe it would be better that either you or her, or the both of you find male partners to avoid suspicion regarding your and her sexuality - it wasn’t widely acceptable, and often punishable by death, to be attracted to the same sex, and she wanted to protect you from being hung, somehow, to the best of her ability, no matter what that might mean for you both, but she was determined to not let this new development stop you both from seeing one another in secret.

As soon as she’d suggested you join the gang with her help, you couldn’t say no, though it was painful to think about how you’d be having to see her and Dutch together, and you didn’t like being reminded of how you wouldn’t be able to spend as much time together, after you’d been able to before she’d met him, the leader of the gang. It seemed to be going okay, at first; nobody suspected you, and that remained to be the case now, but sometimes seeing her and Dutch together proved to be enough to be excruciating for you to the point that you couldn’t help, but allow your jealousy to take over, resulting in a fight taking place between you and her regarding the situation. However, it wasn’t often long after that fight before you began to break down following your and her brief avoidance of one another, crying within your tent whilst she cradled you close to her after secretly drugging Dutch to make him sleep more deeply, allowing her to tend to you without risk of him catching you both somehow. As you were terrified of losing her, you often showered her with apologies and shaky sweet nothings whilst you buried your face into her right shoulder, and silently begged her for forgiveness that she had already given you several times over before you even had to ask her, and try to prove yourself to her again as you wanted her to feel how special she was, and wanted her to know that you valued everything about her, and knew you always would, no matter what the future might hold for you both.

“I - I know you’re doing it to protect us,” you reassured her in a shaky voice close to a whisper, and Molly would nod slowly whilst she stroked your hair using her right hand, a pained expression on her face whilst she began to regret getting with Dutch the way she had, but she tried to tell herself that she was doing the right thing for the both of you, knowing that as long as she was with him, nobody would ever suspect you both, therefore deeming you safe from the possibility of having a noose around your neck as a result of having your sexualities exposed. “A-And I know I should never have reacted like that, I-.. I’m so sorry, Mol, I really am, I-”

“No, Y/n,” she interjected gently, before affectionately connecting her forehead to your’s, silencing you whilst you subconsciously admired her, and couldn’t help, but smile softly whilst your eyes locked with her stunning icy blue ones in the best way possible, “don’t apologise; I know this is hard - t-that it’s hard for you to see me and Dutch together, but - you know I love you, don’t ya? And that will never change, I promise; it will always only ever be you for me, no matter what, just promise me you’ll never forget that, will ya?”

You would pretend to think about it for a moment, prompting her to pout a little, and you to grin, before you giggled quietly, and would lean forward to delicately connect your lips to her own, prompting her and your heart to skip a beat whilst they raced together blissfully.

“I’ll never forget that you love me, I promise; how could I ever forget anything that the beautiful Molly O’Shea tells me?” You replied, prompting her to appear flustered for a moment whilst blood rushed up to her cheeks, but she would try and hide it by smirking over at you, and silently thanking how dark it currently was within the tent she’d had set up for you.

“Oh stop it, you,” she responded exasperatedly, before leaning in to initiate a slightly deeper kiss whilst you both would cling to one another again, and whilst she had control she would manage to trap you beneath her - it was time for your and her next round of the ‘try to be quiet’ game, and you both loved it.

🜸🜚🜸

The next time you both met up secretly together was up in the Grizzly Mountains in Colter after you and the gang had had to flee from Blackwater following the failed robbery that had taken place there due to Dutch’s developing ability of putting together poor plans that seemed to get you and the others nowhere good for very long. As you still weren’t exactly used to being around the others, you agreed to sleep in the stable with your and the others’ horses, Murphy - your Friesian - constantly whinnying you a greeting whenever you entered through the double doors, often anxiously awaiting Molly O’Shea though she’d agreed to meet you during the early hours of the morning, or slightly before depending on whether Dutch was still out searching for food, John, and Micah with Arthur.

“Do - Do you really think she’s gonna turn up, Mur?” You mused quietly whilst you gently pat your companion’s neck whilst she snorted, and flicked her mane impatiently; she, too, seemed to grow a little agitated sometimes when Molly wasn’t around as you both often used to be together a lot more before she’d joined the gang, and partnered up with Dutch. “Sometimes I just get scared that maybe she’s bored of me,” you admitted dejectedly, as well as a little guiltily as you felt bad for thinking such things after all she’d promised you in the past regarding her feelings for you, “I - I mean-.. what if-.. shit.” You then lifted your right hand up to quickly wipe your eyes as small tears had managed to invade them, before you giggled feebly, evidently embarrassed at yourself for being so weak whenever you were thinking, or talking about Molly. “I ain’t sure why I’m crying, I just-..” You murmured, whilst Murphy innocently nibbled at the material of your waistcoat. “Sometimes I think she deserves better than me, I guess,” you concluded, “a-anyway - I shouldn’t be wasting your time with my problems, should I? Sorry, girl - how are you, today?” Murphy then whinnied, and nuzzled at your nose, prompting you to start giggling again whilst you wrapped your arms around her neck, and affectionately connected your forehead to her snout. “I’m glad,” you replied, “I don’t know what I’d do without you, you know that, right?” Murphy then snorted, prompting you to grin sheepishly in response to her action, before you sighed heavily, and begrudgingly let go of her to lean against her stall door, and take out a golden pocket watch you’d recently managed to steal from some random guy who’d threatened Molly on your and her way to the gang’s camp when it was back in Blackwater, after you’d agreed to join it to maintain your and her relationship somehow without being caught by the others. Of course you’d offered for her to have it, but she insisted that you keep it as you’d done the honours of saving her life, and you didn’t want to upset her like you knew you would if you turned it down, and recalled - with a soft smile playing on your lips - how you’d gently kissed her on her lips, left cheek, and even her nose to give her something back, as well as to make her giggle as you loved to hear her laughing; seeing her happy made you happier than you’d ever been before, as you’d always only ever wanted to do all you could to make her happy, and to show her that you valued her more than anything you ever had before you’d first met, and fallen deeply as well as helplessly in love with her.

“I guess there’s still time, right-?” You inquired, as if Murphy could answer you, before you winced, and would shrug, before slipping the pocket watch back into the compartment you’d drawn it out from, and would smile over at her, whilst trying to think of things you could do to distract yourself as well as your impatient friend who was now stamping her front right hoof, and snorting at you whenever you looked over at her; you loved her occasional random changes of demeanour, and couldn’t fathom how you’d got so lucky as to find her the day you had, before you’d stolen her from Emerald Ranch as you’d always struggled with acquiring much money for anything, or any horses currently on offer to you, and naturally you’d never been good with taming wild horses, either, never finding the right one you could feel an immediate connection to, until you’d found and stolen Murphy. “I might go and have a smoke outside for a bit, s-see if she turns up,” you decided, and Murphy would flutter her lips again, before you briefly scratched at her right ear gently, and would open the stable door to go outside, and take out your pack of Premium Cigarettes whilst snow continued to pour around you, settling upon the shoulders of your coat, as well as on each of the surfaces of your hat that it could land on, and stick to successfully.

Whilst you were distracted trying to light the cigarette with matches that seemed to keep failing you due to the strong wind, Molly was timidly walking up to you, wondering why her heart was beating so fast and overwhelmingly after her gaze had blissfully fallen upon you adorably failing to light the cigarette you were currently holding in your right hand, prompting her to grin whilst she tried to fight back a laugh, evidently finding what you were doing to be amusing, and you couldn’t blame her; you knew this probably looked funny, whilst you found it frustrating that the wind was strong enough to stop you from being able to light several matchsticks; you’d have to buy some more soon, once the gang moved somewhere closer to a town consisting of a general store.

“D’you need some help with that, Miss L/n?” She offered, and you would falter upon hearing her voice, even almost dropping your cigarette only to have her manage to catch it for you, before she gently placed it within the palm of your right hand, and would affectionately hold it in her own left one whilst she smiled lovingly over at you, prompting your heart to skip a beat, before it began to race overwhelmingly alongside her’s whilst you stammered a little barely audibly, finding you couldn’t even think whilst you admired her, and revelled in being so close to her again. “Here,” she took out another of your matchsticks, before shielding the wind with her right hand to light it, but you found you no longer wanted the cigarette now that she was here with you again.

“Screw the cigarette,” you mustered, your voice briefly trembling, and Molly would smirk over at you, before dropping the matchstick, and stamping it out though it was already being extinguished by the snow, but she knew that - by doing it anyway - she would have more of an effect on you, and she was right, “y-you’re one hell of a woman, Miss O’Shea.” You then carefully, as well as hastily, guided her into the stable, knowing that it was too risky for you to kiss her outside where you both could easily be caught by one of the other gang members, unable to fight back your feelings for her anymore.

🜚

“I - I was scared that maybe - maybe you wouldn’t come; that Dutch and Arthur had got back already, o-or - or you just - I don’t know,” you admitted timidly, your voice close to a whisper whilst you were both cuddled up together again, the blanket you were using covering, and shielding your and her naked bodies from the cold of the snow storm outside, “I thought that you’d get bored of me, by now, I guess.”

Molly would appear taken aback by your thought; she never thought you’d think something like that, even after all she’d promised you, and it pained her slightly to think that you still doubted her feelings for you, even after all you had both already been through together ever since you were both a little shorter, as well as younger.

“Do you not remember me, Y/n-? Have I ever broken any of the promises I made ya?” She inquired, and you would frown, before shaking your head hastily whilst you appeared guilty again, wishing you’d not brought it up in the first place as you hated upsetting her like you could see you had. “So why would I, if I was bored of ya?” She pried, and you would wince, before bowing your head a little to try and hide that you were trying not to cry, knowing that it would only hurt her more to see you like this, though you couldn’t imagine why.

“I - I don’t know, I just-.. Mol, you-.. you’re everything better than me-”

“Hey,” she interjected before you could go on putting yourself down, “don’t - don’t ever say something like that, because it’s far from true; Y/n, you - you’re perfect, and I love you, just the way that you are - nothing could ever change my feelings for you, because you’re always gonna be the most perfect woman I’ve ever met, no matter what, so don’t you ever go and think that you’re not good enough for me, or I’ll have to punish you somehow, you got that?”

You would raise your eyebrows, intrigued by what she planned on doing to you if you put yourself down again whilst you grinned back at her, and would inch closer to her a little to close the gaps between you both completely; you hated having gaps of any kind between you both, always longing to feel the warmth of her own body against your’s as you felt empty whenever you both were away from one another, not making physical contact of any kind, somehow, just like she found she couldn’t bear being away from you, too, for the same reason.

“You’d punish me, Miss O’Shea?” You mused, and she would try her best not to appear flustered whilst she smirked back at you, and nodded whilst she affectionately connected her forehead to your’s again. “I’d like to know how, just - just so I’m prepared for whatever you might have in store for me,” you claimed, and she would pretend to think about it for a moment, prompting you to pout a little, until you tensed up, and shuddered a little whilst you felt her right hand painfully slowly trailing down your chest, and stomach, as if she truly were preparing to give you a demonstration of what she had been planning on doing as a makeshift ‘punishment’ for you doubting yourself, and therefore her feelings for you, but it was then that you both would falter upon hearing the sound of galloping hooves approaching - Dutch and Arthur must have just got back from their brief quest.

Your smile would then drop, and heart would sink alongside it whilst you and Molly locked eyes sadly for a moment; you’d have to part from one another now, for the night, and god knows how long you’d have to wait before she could return to you safely as she often had to wait to make sure sometimes that the drug she’d snuck him had efficiently knocked Dutch out before she could return to your side during all the nights she had done so before just to spend more time with you, though you again couldn’t imagine why she’d bother, even after what she’d previously told you; when you were low like you were, now, upon realising she’d have to leave your side again, it was easier for you to begin subconsciously doubting yourself, and therefore your worthiness to be loved by her, but you tried to hide it from her better this time, not wanting her to feel bad for leaving when she had to, as you didn’t want her to be hung, or harassed if ever she was caught with you like this somehow; you couldn’t imagine your life without her in it, and knew you’d have to die alongside her if you ever somehow lost her.

“I guess I should-..” She began, before gesticulating to the door, and you would nod gravely whilst you smiled faintly over at her, and would stare ahead of you through darker eyes whilst Molly sat up, began to collect up her clothes, and then to redress herself. “Hey,” she continued gently upon noticing the pained expression on your face, and you would wince, before glancing up at her again, and smiling shyly over at her whilst she crouched down in front of you, and would gently place her right hand on your left cheek, prompting your heart to skip a beat, and eyes to glint a little again whilst you couldn’t help, but admire her, and revel in how close you both were again, “I’ll be back tomorrow night, I promise - you’ll be okay, won’t ya?”

“O-Of course I will, as long as I’m thinking of you,” you answered, prompting her to smile softly whilst she nodded her head a little, before she leaned forward to delicately connect her lips to your’s, “see you tomorrow, my beloved Miss O’Shea.”

“See you tomorrow, my beloved Y/n L/n,” she returned, before begrudgingly getting up after she’d pressed an even gentler kiss to your forehead, and dragging herself out of the stable to greet Dutch and Arthur, as well as Micah who they had sadly returned with, whilst you curled up upon the blanket, and would stare ahead of you at one of the empty stable stalls, trying your best to fight back the tears that were currently clouding your vision whilst you tried to stay calm by filling your mind with thoughts of her, and the future you wished you could have with her.

🜸🜚🜸

The next day was unbearable; seeing Molly and Dutch together was unbearable - you couldn’t stand it; couldn’t stand him, and the possibility of you still losing her after all you’d both done together, before this moment in time. You were stood uncomfortably leaning against the stable door whilst you watched them talking to Arthur, before he walked off to join Javier on his quest to locate, save, and return John to camp, leaving them together as he turned to face her, and she would then wrap her arms around him whilst he returned the embrace, prompting your heart to sink a little whilst your eyes would even darken.

“She doesn’t love you,” you uttered down at the ground, subconsciously kicking at the snow with your right foot whilst you tried to remind yourself of your and her secret meeting yesterday.

“Miss L/n!” Susan Grimshaw called, and you would grunt, before begrudgingly turning to face her whilst she stormed up to you, ready to scold you for the lack of work you were doing for the camp.

“Yes, Miss Grimshaw?” You replied, as if you didn’t know what the purpose of her interruption was, when you’d been scolded by her before whilst the gang were residing within their camp back in Blackwater before the failed robbery there had taken place, driving you as well as them up here.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you doing any work-”

“Is surveying not work?” You interjected, and Susan would appear taken aback by your interruption. “I’m keeping us safe by watching over the camp-”

“You’re doing nothing for us,” she contradicted, “now I suggest you start doing something, or I’ll start readying my gun to give us all one less mouth to feed, because that’s what I do to the people I don’t trust here, got that?”

“Loud and clear,” you responded begrudgingly, and wondered why you could feel someone watching you, but you wouldn’t dare look up at where you’d last been watching Molly and Dutch together, “I’ll go out hunting, or something-”

“No need for that,” another voice interrupted, and you couldn’t help, but scowl subconsciously down at your feet upon recognising the voice to belong to Dutch Van Der Linde, “don’t worry, Miss L/n, you can stay here; Miss O’Shea’s kindly told me about all you went through with the Skinner Brother gang before we found you, and I want you to take it easy with Mrs Adler, okay?”

“Sure,” you murmured, whilst you wondered what Molly was doing; you couldn’t sense that she was nearby like you usually could whenever she was close to you, but you could still feel that someone was watching you, flustering you a little, but at the same time you couldn’t help, but feel safe within the gaze of your surveyor, suggesting to you that Molly was still where she was, before; still watching you longingly, and wishing she could be more open with you, somehow, despite being with Dutch, and being a woman like yourself, “thanks.”

“No problem,” he returned, before returning his attention to Susan, “now, Miss Grimshaw - walk and talk with me for a little while whilst Arthur and Javier are out looking for John.”

Dutch then began to guide her away whilst you began to feel empty, cold, and alone again, and of course you could hear - before they’d turned a corner, Miss Grimshaw complaining about you, but you were used to how it felt to be hated by now, as everyone before you’d met Molly had made you feel like shit, starting with your parents who had abandoned you for a reason unbeknownst you - you assumed maybe they just didn’t want you; maybe you weren’t good enough for them, when - little did you know - they’d let you go to protect you, knowing that in a few days time they’d probably be killed by a debt collector as a result of not being able to make enough money to repay their loan in the form of a successful harvest, and they didn’t want you to suffer alongside them for their actions, so they left you to begin a new life for yourself, instead of having your’s taken away alongside their own.

“I see the snow storm’s still going strong.” You would falter upon hearing Molly’s voice, before glancing up at her without hesitation, your eyes glinting a little after your tears had been shocked out of your eyes in response to her sudden appearance a few paces away from you; she’d never cease to amaze you somehow.

“Too much for us to keep on moving, right?” You guessed, and she would smile sadly, before nodding gravely whilst she bowed her head a little, finding herself nervous to make eye contact with you after she’d told Dutch about what had happened to you not too long ago now, regarding how the Skinner Brothers - a notorious gang residing back in Blackwater - had one day captured you, and abused you until Molly had managed to find you alongside Arthur Morgan who had ended up introducing her to Dutch and the rest of the gang, resulting in her deciding to become Dutch’s partner, as well as to join the gang to ensure extra safety for you as well as herself.

“With any luck, it’ll get better soon, right?” She replied, and you would nod timidly in agreement with her, before quickly wiping your eyes clear of any remaining tears, and smiling softly up at her whilst she nervously rubbed her right arm using her left hand, wishing things weren’t so awkward outside of your and her secret meet-ups; she hated that you both had to try and hide your feelings for one another in front of the others, but knew that there was nothing that could be done to change that now, if you both wanted to try and protect one another from being strung up with a noose around each of your necks for being two women in love with one another. “W-Well, I - I should go back inside, I guess-”

“N-No-!” You blurted out feebly, and she would stop in her tracks, a pained expression on her face whilst she glanced back at you, faltering when she noticed the fresh tear stains on your cheeks; she’d not noticed them, before, prompting her heart to sink whilst she wondered why you’d recently been crying, but before the question could slip from her lips, you would continue, your voice trembling a little whilst you did. “Mol, don’t - don’t go, please,” you begged, and she would frown whilst she began to feel guilty, wishing she could do more for you somehow to try and make you happy again; to try and stay with you for longer without causing any suspicion like she feared she might by staying here with you after she’d claimed before to certain members of the gang that Dutch was all the company she needed, just another of her attempts to try and avoid rousing suspicion regarding your and her true sexualities, as well as forbidden feelings for one another. “Just - Just stay for a little while longer,” you requested, “I - I miss talking to you the way we used to-”

“Y/n, you - you know we can’t,” she reminded you dejectedly, and you would fall quiet, a pained expression on your face, only making her feel worse as she hated seeing you upset like she could tell you currently were, “if the others see us-”

“We’re only talking, Molly,” you reminded her, “h-how is that - how is talking wrong? Mol, please-”

“Just wait until later, Y/n; I’m not risking you getting hurt, or even killed for being seen with me,” she insisted, but you would hastily shake your head, not hesitating to follow her closely as you couldn’t bear to be away from her like you had been for a little while, now, since she’d left the stable last night.

“What happened to us, Molly?” You questioned weakly, and she would appear taken aback by the question, before turning to face you sharply, prompting you to falter before you could bump into her, afraid of possibly hurting her by doing so; you’d never be able to forgive yourself if you ever let something like that happen somehow, so of course you stopped in your tracks as quickly as you had.

“Why? Do you seriously think there’s something wrong with the way we are, now? Y/n, I told you-”

“N-No, I know, I - I just-.. It’s nothing-.. I’m sorry, Mol, I - I should go and check on Murphy,” you decided, not wanting to burden her anymore than you could tell you already had, “I’ll - I’ll see you later, right?”

Molly then shook her head hastily, not wanting to leave things between you both there like that until you got to meet later; she couldn’t bear to think of how painful it would be waiting until nightfall, and constantly thinking about how you might be breaking down in the stable in secret whilst she tried to hold herself together as much as she possibly could around Dutch whenever he was with her, and she couldn’t go and see you no matter how much she always wanted to, so she vowed to try and fix things before you could both part again, warily looking around to make sure the others were still inside, and both Dutch and Susan still out of sight, before she began to rush after you before you could disappear back into the stable.

“Y/n, wait-!” She called, and you would falter, before timidly turning to face her, and smiling softly to show her that you were listening, prompting her to smile shyly back at you whilst her heart raced alongside your’s again blissfully. “J-Just take my hand, and let me promise you something, before you go back inside,” she requested, and you would appear surprised, as well as elated whilst you couldn’t help, but beam over at her, before you - without hesitation - allowed the fingers of your right hand to intertwine with the fingers of her left one in the best way possible whilst you admired one another for a moment, until she had managed to recover herself after she’d found herself so easily forgetting how to breathe, being so close to you like she currently was, an effect you’d both always seemed to had on her ever since you were shorter than you were, now.

“You make me too many promises,” you mused, and she would scoff, before shaking her head, and smiling lovingly over at you whilst she wished she could hold you close to her, and connect her forehead to your’s; she hated having gaps like this between you both, but she knew that - in a more open area like the one you were both currently in together, you could easily get caught, and harassed, and she couldn’t let that happen to you, knowing she’d never be able to forgive herself if she did, and she feared what might happen if she ended up losing you somehow, knowing that she most likely wouldn’t be able to go on living in the pain she didn’t doubt she’d be in.

Even just the thought of losing you was enough to prompt her heart to begin aching excruciatingly, but she would try and hide it from you to the best of her ability as she hated upsetting you like she knew she would if you saw that she was upset.

“What are you talking about? I don’t make ya nearly enough promises; you deserve a lot more-”

“Then you deserve double what you think I’m supposed to have,” you stated, surprising her as she made to protest, but before she could you both would falter upon hearing voices approaching - Dutch and Susan must be on their way around the area again, though you couldn’t imagine why they’d be having a conversation so long, especially when you thought it may be about how much you were sure Miss Grimshaw must hate you ever since Molly had brought you to their camp back in Blackwater. “Mol-”

“I love you,” she concluded gently, before leaning forward to kiss your right cheek, prompting your heart to skip a beat, “and I always will, I promise.”

“I - I love you, too,” you returned, and she couldn’t help, but beam over at you whilst she began to feel warm and fuzzy inside alongside you, “a-and I always will, n-no matter what - you’re my everything, Miss O’Shea.”

“I’m glad,” she replied in a voice close to a whisper, before she begrudgingly let go of your hand, and would smile sadly over at you whilst she waved, before beginning to drag herself back toward the main shack in which she, Dutch, Arthur, and Hosea were currently staying, before you both could be caught together, and suspected, harassed, or even reported, and hung, like she didn’t doubt you could be though neither of you knew how the others might react to your and her true sexualities, but you guessed you’d never find out, with her officially being Dutch’s partner, and not your’s.

Once she’d disappeared from sight, you began to feel empty again, prompting your heart to sink whilst you wondered why your now empty hand was stinging a little; it missed her’s excruciatingly, prompting you to sigh heavily, before you dragged yourself back into the stable, and tended to Murphy to distract yourself whilst you awaited nightfall; your and her next secret meeting, with a hopeful as well as heavy heart - all you wanted was to be free with her, but it seemed as if you’d both never be able to be free together, now, no matter how much you longed to be.

|

However, it soon got to be so late to the point that you decided she probably wasn’t coming, prompting your heart to sink a little, but you couldn’t blame her; you probably wouldn’t turn up either if you were in her position, meeting up with the nobody you believed to be yourself.

“She isn’t gonna come this late, Mur,” you murmured, before entering her stall, and carefully repositioning her reins to begin leading her toward the stable door. Once you’d got her outside, and closed the door, you would carefully climb up onto her saddle, and pat her neck gently using your right hand. “Take me back to Old Trail Rise, girl,” you continued half-heartedly, “it’s a bit of a trek, but-.. it’ll be worth it seeing it again - besides, I’m - I’m a little homesick, and-.. Molly’s probably caught up with Dutch, right?” Murphy then whinnied, before stamping her front right hoof impatiently as she wanted to get on the journey, or go back inside, prompting you to smile feebly; she always knew how to cheer you up when you felt low, like you did, now, wondering when, or even if things would go back to normal for you and Molly, but you doubted it would ever happen now, no matter how much you wished it would, after all you and her had already been through together. “That’s my girl,” you concluded, before you eased her into a steady gallop, and would brandish one of your shotguns just in case any wolves decided to try and make you their early morning snack.

On your way out of the camp, you failed to notice Molly looking out of the window in secret whilst Dutch was telling her about his most recent plan; she’d tried to drug him, and failed miserably, and upon noticing you she would falter, a pained expression on her face whilst she subconsciously shook her head a little, and wondered anxiously where you might be going so late, especially down the mountain where wolves would most likely try and hunt you, whilst it pained her heart to think that you were upset by her not showing up when she usually tended to before.

“Excuse me, Dutch,” she mustered a little shakily, before rushing out of the room, and Dutch would shrug, before diverting his attention onto his pipe, as well as one of the books he liked to read. As she was the only one without a horse, she knew she’d have to try and find someone else to help her get you back for fear of you getting hurt if she didn’t do so, and fast. Upon noticing that Arthur was still not within the building, though she’d heard he and Javier returning with John, she would rush outside, and desperately look around for him, or one of the others who might be willing to go out looking for you with her, as she was getting a bad feeling already - something must already be wrong, or would soon go wrong. “S-Someone, anyone - I need your help-”

“What’s goin’ on, Miss O’Shea?” She would express relief upon hearing Arthur’s voice, before looking toward him; he’d just come out of the larger building housing the other gang members, as well as John, now that he had been brought back after being attacked by wolves.

“A-Arthur, oh thank god,” she responded, “it - it’s Y/n.” Arthur would raise his eyebrows, before tilting his head partially whilst he wondered why she would be asking for his help, rather than Dutch’s, as she seemed to be warily looking back toward the shack she’d recently rushed out of, as if he didn’t know about her worries regarding your safety. “She’s in trouble, o-or soon will be if we don’t go out and get her-”

“We-?” He interjected, but Molly wouldn’t respond, rushing him over to his Amber Champagne Missouri Fox Trotter before he could protest, or even open his mouth to reply to her; she was desperate to find you, and make sure that you were okay, before she could lose you somehow, though she didn’t know yet that you were in trouble, but the bad feeling within her chest and stomach told her that if she and Arthur didn’t locate you soon, she would never see you again, and she was right.

🜸

It had happened so fast. Murphy had reared up in response to the close howling of a pack of wolves, and as you were in shock your grip on her reins managed to loosen just enough for you to fall off of her, and have your back hit the snow, leaving you feeling faint and numb whilst the wolves began to surround you after she had bolted. Whilst you lay there, you found yourself beginning to feel lost, and as if you no longer knew who you were, until you remembered Molly, and couldn’t help, but smile softly in response to the thought of her; you couldn’t give in, not yet, so of course you reached for your gun - you couldn’t be taken down without a fight if you wanted to see her again, so of course - for her, as well as Murphy - you had to try.

🜸

“I still think we should tell Dutch about this-”

“I don’t,” she replied without hesitation, whilst trying not to appear nervous or guilty in front of him, though he was already growing suspicious of your and her relationship, like he had been finding himself doing for a little while now, even before you and them had to flee up the Grizzly Mountains to reach Colter, and efficiently avoid the law as well as bounty hunters back in Blackwater after the failed robbery had taken place. “It’s nothing he needs to know about; there’s things he doesn’t tell me - he’s never told me anything about what happened back in Blackwater, so why should I tell him about this?” She inquired, and Arthur would wince, before nodding gravely; she had made a good point. “Look - w-will ya just-”

She would then fall quiet upon hearing someone crying out in agony, and they sounded very much like you, prompting her heart to sink, before it began to pound overwhelmingly whilst Arthur would sigh heavily, guessing he’d have to soon brawl with another pack of wolves despite already doing so to save, and bring John back to the new camp.

“I guess that means the wolves are out again-”

“Go!” She cried, desperate to get to you before the wolves could take you away from her, prompting Arthur to grunt, before he pressed his horse to carefully trot on closer to the point that they could hear you firing your gun, prompting Molly to express relief - at least you had something to defend yourself whilst they were on their way to save you.

“I’m gonna have to get off here, alright? You stay on the horse-”

“But-”

“No buts, Miss O’Shea,” he interjected hastily, knowing that he needed to work fast if they wanted you to come out of this alive, “just stay here, and I’ll call you when I’ve dealt with what she hasn’t shot yet.”

Molly would hesitate, before nodding gravely, though she’d rather help him save you as she couldn’t bear to stay whilst she anxiously listened to the new gunshots sounding out, wondering excruciatingly if she’d ever see you again following this moment in time, until Arthur had finally called for her to come down, and her gaze had finally fallen upon you again, despite the current bloody state that you were in.

🜸

As soon as you noticed Molly with your right eye that hadn’t been scratched, you couldn’t help, but smile softly, until you remembered the state your face must be in after one of the wolves had managed to achieve a strike at you, and would wince, hastily bowing your head a little though she’d already seen what had been done to you, prompting her heart to sink a little, and her eyes to darken slightly; she wished she’d got to you sooner, before the wolves could hurt you like she could see they had.

“M-Miss O’Shea,” you managed, and upon hearing your voice she would be dragged out of her thoughts, her heart skipping a beat, before she rushed up to you, and crouched down beside you, “t-this is a - a pleasant-” Before you could even finish your sentence, her arms were around you, prompting you to falter, before you subconsciously melted into her embrace, and wouldn’t hesitate to return it, beginning to feel guilty for making to leave the way you had, only to have her see you in a state like this, prompting your heart to sink whilst you drew in a shaky breath, before resting your head upon her right shoulder whilst your heart ached alongside her own excruciatingly.

“I’ll go and find your horse, Miss L/n; y’all look like you need some time alone,” he stated, and Molly would then appear fearful whilst she looked back at him, and he would shake his head to try and reassure her; he knew that it was hard for people in your and her position, and didn’t want to get involved to a point that might mean you both would end up suffering for something that shouldn’t qualify as being punishable, “don’t worry - this ain’t my business, anyway - I’ll be right back.”

He then rushed off to try and find Murphy before she could get any further down the mountain, and once he had gone, Molly would carefully connect her forehead to your’s whilst she tried not to break down alongside you, lifting her right hand up to your left cheek so she could gently cover the scar the wolf had recently given you in an attempt to stop it from bleeding anymore than it already was now into her palm.

“Y-Y/n, I - I’m so-”

“Don’t apologise,” you interjected gently; you could tell that this was what she was about to do, and didn’t want her to feel as if she had to, and she would falter, a pained expression on her face whilst she gravely shook her head, “I - I’m the idiot who decided to come out here in the first place, right? This ain’t in any way your fault, Mol-”

“It is my fault, Y/n,” she contradicted, wishing you’d stop lying to her though you’d never believe otherwise; you decided to go down the mountain, and therefore allowed the wolves to get to you, “if I’d come out to the stable to tell you that Dutch was still awake, you’d-”

“You know me, Miss O’Shea,” you remarked a little more playfully; you hated seeing her upset, and wished now that you’d tried to stay, or had at least been more careful to try and hide yourself from her view before you had begun to make your way down the mountain, “even if you had, I still would have done it - you know that, right?”

She would nod gravely again, knowing that you most likely would as you’d often tended to be quite reckless like that even before the Skinner Brothers had captured, and abused you for a little while.

“You’re right,” she agreed, “I do know you, and I know when I’ve hurt you, too-”

“You’ve never hurt me,” you contradicted, “it’s like I said before - I was an idiot, l-like I usually am, who decided it would be a good idea to try and travel back down the mountain alone, and that’s all there is to it, I promise.”

“So I didn’t hurt you-? By - By not showing up earlier?” She inquired, and you would shake your head, before smiling reassuringly up at her for a moment, until you felt as if you should lower your head again, though her right hand was currently still concealing your new scar.

“I probably look like a mess right now, don’t I? O-Or, at least, even more of one-”

“You could never look like a mess, Y/n,” she contradicted, not wanting you to think that way about yourself as she wanted you to feel valued, like she believed you deserved to be, and wished you could see yourself the way that she saw you: you would always be perfect in her eyes, no matter what, or how many scars anything might give you in the future, like this new one you’d been gifted so kindly by one of the wolves that had ambushed you and Murphy, “hey - look at me; you don’t have to hide anything from me - you know that, right?”

“Of course I know that,” you reassured her, and she would express relief, glad, before she smiled warmly over at you, and would then carefully move her right hand away as she’d not felt anymore blood escaping from the scratch in a little while, “I just - can’t believe you still want me e-even after-.. after the wolves; t-this scratch is probably gonna make for a bad scar-”

“As if I’d never fall in love with a beautifully scarred woman,” she remarked, “come here, you.” She then wrapped her arms around you again, before she delicately connected her lips to your own, and you would then instantly melt into the kiss whilst you smiled softly against her lips, and would subconsciously return the embrace again.

“I - I missed you,” you mustered in a voice close to a whisper, prompting her heart to skip a beat, before she smirked over at you, prompting blood to begin rushing to your cheeks, suggesting to her that she’d already managed to fluster you so unbelievably easily, an effect she’d always seemed to have on you ever since you were both shorter than you are, now.

“I missed you, too,” she returned, whilst you both admired one another for a moment, and you couldn’t help, but forget to breathe whilst your gaze locked with her’s again after it had briefly drifted down to her lips again, “but don’t worry - I’m gonna make it up to ya, I promise; Dutch said he’s gonna be going out with Micah, Bill, and Arthur tomorrow to find the O’Driscolls - apparently there are still some around here somewhere, so we’ll be able to spend more time together whilst he’s out with them - How does that sound?”

“Like music to my ears,” you answered seductively, and she would grin again, before initiating a slightly deeper, but still gentle kiss, and you wouldn’t hesitate to melt into it again whilst you found yourself wondering why she’d decided to come out looking for you; you’d never had anyone care for you as much as she always had, and you still found you weren’t used to it, but loved how it felt to be valued nonetheless whilst you hoped you were making her feel the same way as showering her with your love for her had been all that you’d ever wanted to do, and still was; undoubtedly always would be, no matter what the future might have in store for you both. “E-Everything you tell me is like that,” you added once the kiss had sadly ended, “I - I know I told you this earlier, but - I love you, Molly O’Shea.”

She couldn’t help, but smile warmly over at you whilst her eyes began to glint in the best way possible, prompting your heart to skip a beat - how could one person be so amazing in everything she does, says, and is?

“I - I love you, too, Y/n L/n,” she expressed, her voice briefly trembling, before she buried her face into the crook of your neck whilst you tried to provide comfort to her by gently stroking her hair using your right hand, even finding tears beginning to cloud your own vision, alongside her’s; you never thought something could feel so perfect before, like this moment did, until you both could hear that footsteps, as well as hooves, were approaching nearby, prompting your heart, as well as her own, to sink; you both hated being away from one another, but if you wanted to protect each other you knew you’d have to pull away from one another, and that was what you - begrudgingly, as well as gravely - did, just in time for Arthur to appear leading Murphy toward you both.

“I finally caught her for you, Miss L/n,” he began, and you would manage a weak smile of thanks over at him, before nodding your head, and pushing yourself to sit up a little more, “she almost got all the way down there, but - she ain’t quick enough to escape the likes of me, you see.”

“You wish she weren’t,” you contradicted, and Arthur would scoff, before shaking his head, “thanks, anyway; I’d never have been able to get her back if you didn’t go after her, so-..”

“Don’t mention it,” he replied, “anyway - we best get back, before Dutch starts to worry - right, Miss O’Shea?”

Molly would then falter, before nodding gravely whilst she subconsciously grimaced down at the ground, whilst you would tense up a little, your heart easily beginning to ache a little again, but you would try and - in an attempt to try and hide that the reminder of their relationship was painful - remind yourself of what she’d recently told you about how you both would be able to spend more time together tomorrow whilst he was out with Micah, Arthur, and Bill, finally.

“You’re right, we - we should,” she agreed dejectedly, before smiling sadly over at you, and you would try your best to reflect her smile, but she could see through it, and it was excruciating to see that you were in pain again, despite your and her previously shared moment, “come on, you - you need some rest after the wolves got to ya, and we’ll talk in the morning, I promise.”

She would then carefully help you off of the ground, before leading you over slowly to Murphy, and then climbing up onto the saddle after she’d made sure that you were stable behind her whilst she guided your arms around her waist, and couldn’t help, but smile softly upon feeling you resting your head upon her left shoulder.

“I can’t wait,” you managed, your voice barely audible, only prompting her smile to grow a little more subconsciously.

“You ready, or-?” She inquired, not wanting to begin moving Murphy until she knew that you were okay with her doing so, not wanting to make you feel uncomfortable, or to put you through anymore pain than you had already been through today.

“I was born ready, a-as long as you’re by my side, Mol,” you answered truthfully, and she would appear surprised, as well as flattered, before she eased Murphy into a steady canter to catch up with Arthur on his Amber Champagne Missouri Fox Trotter, and would secretly hold your left hand within her own, prompting you to smile subconsciously again whilst you began to feel warm and fuzzy as if you’d not been in pain a brief moment ago now that you both were making blissful physical contact again.

“I’m glad,” she replied, before gently squeezing your hand, and revelling in the moment alongside you whilst she wondered what tomorrow might have in store for you both, even dreaming about it, until the morning finally came, and she could be reunited with you again.

🜸🜚🜸

As soon as Dutch had gone out with Micah, Arthur, and Bill to locate the near O’Driscolls, Molly would hastily walk over to the stable to try and avoid being noticed, and therefore suspected by anyone of doing something questionable that might prompt someone to follow her, knowing that it might not end well for either of you if she did. As soon as she’d reached the stable doors, she would falter upon hearing that Murphy was distressed, whinnying and neighing as if something was wrong, prompting her to appear fearful whilst she began to think that maybe something had happened to you, resulting in her heart feeling as if it were dropping, before she rushed inside.

Once she’d opened the door, she could hear that you were crying quietly and whimpering, whilst you appeared to still be asleep; you must have been having a nightmare for a little while, now, and Murphy was worried about you, sensing your distress. She then hastily closed it, before rushing up to you, and crouching down beside you to delicately cradle your trembling body close to her in an attempt to try and provide comfort to you whilst you cried into her left shoulder, and struggled a little within her embrace, not fully conscious though you’d begun to stir once she’d wrapped her arms around you.

“L-Let her go, please!” You cried feebly, your voice weak, and barely audible, and she would frown, a pained expression on her face whilst she began to wonder if your nightmare was about her, somehow. “I need her-!” You pleaded, desperate to save her as if you were still stuck within the nightmare, afraid that maybe the Skinner Brothers truly had got to her the way that they had managed to capture you before.

“Hey, it - it’s okay, Y/n,” she cooed gently whilst she used her right hand to stroke your hair, prompting you to jump a little, evidently startled, and still in shock after the nightmare had taken place, “I’m - I’m here, now-”

You then would glance up at her whilst tears streamed down your cheeks, some even escaping from your wounded left eye, before your right eye widened a little, and you would shake your head hastily, before sitting up, and holding her at arm’s length as if you still weren’t fully conscious yet; still believed yourself to be in the same situation that you were before with her being threatened by a few members of the Skinner Brother gang whilst you were being held back, and helplessly made to watch whilst she had been crying for you to help her, though she’d successfully woken you up a brief moment ago.

“You - You can’t be here, Mol, they - they’re gonna hurt you, they - they-” You then couldn’t help, but break down, unable to fight back your emotions anymore whilst a strained sob escaped your lips, before you buried your face into the crook of her neck, and sobbed uncontrollably into it whilst you clung to her as if your life depended on her being there with you.

Molly then wrapped her arms around you again whilst she found herself trying to fight back tears alongside you; she hated seeing you like this, and wished she could do more for you, somehow; wished she could rid you of the trauma that you were facing as a result of how the Skinner Brothers had abused you, before she and Arthur had managed to locate, and save you from them.

“They can’t do anything to us, here, I promise,” she cooed, “we’re safe, now, and you’re never gonna lose me, no matter what; I love you, Y/n L/n.”

A pained expression would then cross your face, before you bowed your head a little, prompting her to frown, and her heart to sink again whilst she wondered why you seemed so down all of a sudden.

“You shouldn’t,” you murmured dejectedly, “Molly, I-.. people say I’m heartless; I heard Susan say it yesterday, too, a-and I’m starting to think they’re right; t-the Skinner Brothers, they - they were holding me, and I couldn’t move; couldn’t - couldn’t get to you-”

“Heartless?” Molly scoffed, before shaking her head, and lifting her left hand up to your right cheek to avoid hurting you by touching the bandages you now had covering the scratch one of the wolves had given you yesterday; Arthur had insisted he patch you up before Dutch could get involved within the situation to protect you both, no matter how much Molly insisted that she help alongside him, wanting to make sure that you were okay, and that your wound doesn’t end up getting infected somehow. “Y/n, you - you’re far from being heartless; your heart’s a lot bigger than you think it is,” she contradicted, “hey - don’t - don’t listen to what Miss Grimshaw says right now; she’s just - not used to you being here with us, yet, but she’ll warm up to you, I promise, I know she will. I mean - I warmed up to ya the day I first met ya, remember? And even if you were heartless, which is something you never will be, I will always love ya, Y/n, always, no matter what the future holds in store for us.”

You would appear surprised, before glancing up at her whilst more tears managed to escape your eyes whilst you wondered again what you’d done to deserve someone as perfect as her, sniffling quietly whilst you locked eyes with her in the best way possible, and tried to swallow the lump forming in your throat.

“I - I will always love you, too, Molly O’Shea,” you mustered up shakily, before you leaned forward to delicately connect your lips to her own, prompting her to instantly melt into the kiss whilst she smiled softly against your lips, and revelled in how her tears must be mixing with your own as some of her’s had managed to escape though she’d been trying to stay strong for you, not wanting to upset you any further than you already were.

“Hey, a-as long as you’re up for it, would - would you maybe wanna-?” She suggested timidly, and you would smirk upon noticing that she’d begun to blush. “I just-.. you know,” she continued, her voice close to a whisper, and you couldn’t help, but grin sheepishly over at her, before you inched even closer to her to flusher her even more, your lips now dangerously close to brushing against her’s again.

“I’ll think about it,” you stated, after you’d teased her by briefly brushing your lips against her own, as if you were about to accept her suggestion, before you got up off of the ground, and she would sport a dazed expression on her face, pouting over at you, and of course you couldn’t resist her puppy eyes, immediately giving in without any struggle as you giggled softly, prompting her heart to skip a beat, before you crouched down in front of her again. “You know I can’t resist you, Mol - of course I’m up for playing with you; I - I’m up for anything as long as it’s with you, Miss O’Shea,” you admitted, before you leaned forward to kiss her again, elating her as she wrapped her arms around your waist to stabilise you once the kiss began to deepen, before she carefully eased you down onto the sheet you’d been sleeping on ever since you, her, and the others had finally arrived here, and though you both hoped that it could always be blissful like this between you, you knew that you’d never be able to hide the pain that you felt whenever you saw her and Dutch together, and this was why you both ended up fighting again during the early hours of the morning, before she’d stormed out of the stable, and you began to feel empty again.

🜸🜚🜸

You seemed to cry endlessly that night, to the point that you were surprised as you never thought you’d had so many tears within you before; never thought you could cry as much as you had, leaving your eyes more sore than they had ever been. You couldn’t believe you’d let your jealousy take over you the way it had, and you hated yourself for it, especially whenever you remembered the hurt look on Molly’s face after you’d told her to just go and stay with Dutch, even going so far as to claim that you’d never loved her, anyway, in your moment of disorientation and pain, prompting her to scowl, before she slapped you, returned your remark, and then stormed out of the stable whilst you appeared crestfallen, though you knew you deserved what she’d said and done after you’d started the fight.

You didn’t dare even open your mouth to speak to anyone the next day, though some of the other women within the gang seemed more worried about you than usual; you didn’t doubt that they’d been talking about you, and even Susan seemed to be laying off of you - could you really be looking so miserable? Though you’d been trying hard to hide it through feeble, forced, and the faintest smiles you had ever been able to muster up before. It was harder than usual to muster up the two words ‘I’m fine’ whenever someone greeted you, and decided they should check up on you, and you couldn’t believe you’d not broken down yet, until you noticed Molly and Dutch together again, prompting you to feel numb, and your heart to ache excruciatingly. You even had to fight back a strained sob, hastily lowering your gaze to avoid eye contact with either of them, especially Molly; you knew you’d break down then and there if your gaze locked with her’s, but then again you found you couldn’t help, but glance up at her upon hearing her voice, prompting your heart to skip a beat beneath the pain it was currently putting you through, and had put you through the whole of the rest of the early hours of the morning the previous night.

“We’re gonna be hitting the train the O’Driscolls were targeting tomorrow,” Dutch informed, and Molly would force a disappointed expression onto her face, prompting you to frown upon noticing it, before you shuffled uncomfortably in place, “don’t worry, my lady, we won’t be out for too long, I promise.”

“You better not be,” she corroborated, “otherwise I’ll be lonely, without ya - I love you, Dutch, and you promised me we’d spend more time together, remember that?”

“I did, didn’t I?” He replied, before grinning over at her, and wrapping his arms around her waist whilst you watched longingly, appearing crestfallen again; you never thought anything could be so painful, before, but here you were, feeling as if you’d lost everything within you; as if everything you had left was collapsing around you, leaving you with nothing, but your now broken heart as a result of you feeling as if you’d now truly lost her following the events of the previous night. “Well, as soon as we get more money, and get away from here, we’ll be able to spend more time together, I promise,” he claimed, and Molly would force a smile over at him, before she leaned forward to kiss him, prompting you to falter, before you allowed your gaze to drop instantly alongside what remained of your shattered heart, “now - I’ve gotta talk to Micah about something, but I’ll be back soon, alright?” He then let go of her, before hastily walking off to go and discuss his plans with Micah, whilst Molly would briefly look over at you, just in time to meet your gaze for a moment, and you would silently beg her to give you another chance, scared of what your life might be like if she weren’t in it, by your side, and though she hesitated, a pained expression on her face, it wasn’t long before she dragged herself away, and disappeared back into the large shack she was staying in with Dutch, Arthur, and Hosea, prompting the last remaining hopes you had been holding to leave you instantly, alongside a couple more tears that had managed to escape your eyes, stinging your left eye that had been wounded the day before, but the tear didn’t cause you as much pain as your heart was, and had been ever since the fight had occurred.

You, then - feeling heavier than you ever had before - would shake your head gravely, before you bowed it for a moment to try and hide that you were starting to cry again, and would hastily disappear back into the stable to retrieve Murphy; you didn’t feel there was anymore point you going on without Molly, so you planned to do the world a favour, as well as her and Murphy, by trying to put a stop to your entire existence.

🜚

Once Arthur had arrived back with Charles from hunting for Pearson, and had skinned the deer he had managed to catch alongside his companion, he would be surprised to be approached by Mary-Beth as soon as he���d left Pearson to the stew he was preparing for the group.

“H-Hey, Arthur, could you do me and Tilly a favour?” She requested, and Arthur would try not to appear disgruntled by this request, being tired after he’d gone out hunting and only returned a brief moment ago.

“Sure,” he answered begrudgingly, before forcing a smile to avoid making her feel bad for asking anything of him after what he’d already done today, “what do you need?”

“Well - it’s Y/n,” she answered, and Arthur would raise his eyebrows, before grunting, and looking away from her; he couldn’t believe he had to help you again after you’d already got attacked by wolves the day before.

“It’s always Y/n,” he remarked, and Mary-Beth would wince upon remembering that he’d had to help you yesterday after being woken up by him returning you and Molly to camp, before he began to bandage up part of your face, covering the deep scratch you’d received from one of the wolves that had ambushed you. She would nod gravely, before smiling apologetically over at him whilst he sighed heavily, and would recompose himself, before deciding to give in; if you or one of the others needed help - if they weren’t Micah - he was (still begrudgingly at times) happy to oblige, therefore today wasn’t any different, so of course he decided he’d help Mary-Beth and Tilly with whatever it was regarding you, despite his helping you the day before. “Go on; what’s gone wrong with her now?” He inquired, and Mary-Beth would appear relieved; she’d been worried for a moment that maybe Arthur would refuse to help her find you for fear of what you planned to do after the way she’d noticed that you had been acting today, before you’d rode off with Murphy again back down the mountain, despite you previously being ambushed down there by the wolves yesterday.

“We’re worried about her - you see, she ain’t been right all day,” she explained, and Arthur would scoff.

“Sometimes it seems like she ain’t ever right,” he commented, “I mean - why the hell would she ride off the way she did yesterday after John was attacked by wolves nearby, too?”

“I - I ain’t sure, but-.. if you could go out looking for her - I think I saw her ridin’ out on Murphy again the same way she went last time - we’d be extremely grateful, of course; we just wanna know that she’s okay,” she continued, and Arthur would hum gravely in response to her request, before nodding, and trying not to sigh again; he couldn’t believe all that he was having to do for you recently, including not telling Dutch about his suspicions regarding you and Molly’s close relationship.

“In that case, I’ll try my best to find her for you,” he decided, and Mary-Beth would smile her thanks back at him, glad, before she nodded, and made to share the news with Tilly.

“Thanks, Arthur,” she replied, and he would nod, before lifting his left hand up a little briefly in response to her, “oh, and - we ain’t sure why, but - Molly also seems to be acting strange, too, but - we’re gonna talk to her, so don’t worry about that; just letting you know.”

“Sure, Mary-Beth,” he responded, and she would nod again, before smiling faintly, and then disappearing back into the blackboard shack; the largest compared to the others housing the rest of the gang excluding Micah, Bill, and Lenny. Arthur would then grunt again, before shaking his head, allowing his displeasure regarding the situation to show now that Mary-Beth couldn’t see his true feelings regarding his unexpected new task, but he’d accepted her request, and knew now that he had to fulfil it somehow, so he would push himself to walk toward his Amber Champagne Missouri Fox-Trotter, before he climbed up onto her saddle, and would pat her neck using his right hand, before easing her into a steady canter toward the slope you’d gone down with Murphy.

🜸

Once you felt you’d got far enough down the mountain, you would dismount Murphy, prompting her to snort, and impatiently stamp her front right hoof whilst she wondered why you both had stopped moving so soon.

“Sorry, girl,” you mustered up feebly, a pained expression on your face whilst tears began to cloud your vision, “I-.. I just-.. without Molly-.. you understand, right?” You then wrapped your arms around her neck, whilst you sniffled quietly, and would try and fight back a strained sob whilst you found yourself on the verge of breaking down again. “I’m so sorry,” you whispered shakily, “I love you so much; w-we’ve been through hell together, haven’t we? I’ve put you through so much - so much crap that-.. that it’s unreal, haven’t I?” Murphy then whinnied, before she began to nuzzle at your hair again. “It wouldn’t be right for me to put you through more, ‘s-specially when - when I’m hollow inside, right?” You then made to take off Murphy’s saddle, and bridle, before you dropped them onto the ground, and would take a step back, further confusing your friend, who anxiously shuffled on the spot, and snorted again whilst she distractedly dug at the snow with her right hoof. “Maybe we’ll see each other again in another lifetime, but-.. I don’t wanna restrict you, o-or risk you getting hurt anymore, so-”

“What the hell are you doin’, Y/n?” You would wince upon hearing Arthur’s voice, before gently slapping Murphy’s behind to try and get her to flee, even crying ‘go’, but he would then manage to catch her with his lasso before she could run off, and you could lose her.

“No-!” You cried, a pained expression on your face, before you took out your Volcanic Pistol, and aimed it up at Arthur, surprising him as he shook his head hastily, and raised his free left hand in surrender to try and get you to calm down.

“Alright, take it easy,” he replied cautiously, “put the gun down-”

“N-Not until you let her go,” you interjected hastily, your voice briefly trembling whilst you did, and he would sigh heavily again, before nodding slowly, and attaching the end of his lasso to his horse’s saddle so he could dismount his Missouri Fox Trotter, and then act as if he would release her whilst she appeared spooked, and neighed despairingly as well as in an agitated manner in response to the situation at hand.

“The things I’ve gotta do for crazy people like you,” he uttered, and you would grimace, before clicking the safety off of your gun, prompting him to wince, but he would manage to remain appearing unperturbed by the situation, despite how you could easily take his life in this moment if he made another wrong move. “Lettin’ her go now, alright?” He claimed, but before releasing Murphy from the lasso, he would secretly try and calm her down to get her to stay in place, allowing him to then hastily draw his own pistol from its sheath to shoot the gun out of your right hand, before he then caught you within the lasso, enabling him to hogtie you whilst you struggled desperately to escape, before even breaking down after your plan had evidently failed; you didn’t want to have to live with the pain of being away from Molly anymore, but now it seemed like you would have to, after he’d somehow managed to find you though he’d still been out with Charles by the time you’d decided to leave again, this time hoping that you’d finally be able to rid the others and Molly of the burden you believed your existence to be. “Jesus, you really ain’t right in the head today,” he remarked whilst crouching to your left side, and you would scoff, before shaking your head gravely, “what happened?”

“Nothing,” you uttered, “it’s - it’s none of your business; I - I ain’t ever been right in the head; there’s been no change.”

“I highly doubt that,” he replied, “anyway, you’re right, it ain’t my business, but - people are worried about you, Y/n. What were you gonna do, anyway? Why were you taking all of Murphy’s tack off, like you were gonna let her go completely, or somethin’?”

“I - I don’t need her anymore, and she doesn’t need me, anymore,” you uttered, “I was gonna-.. it’s not important, I just-.. Molly.”

“You weren’t gonna come back, were you?” He guessed, but you found you couldn’t even respond, or nod, feeling much too weak to do anything, and much too numb; the pain was overwhelming to the point that even the smallest movements seemed to pain you. “Mary-Beth told me Molly’s also been actin’ strange today,” he stated, and you would frown, before shaking your head gravely.

“She-.. She seemed happy, w-with Dutch, before I left,” you recalled whilst your shattered heart began to ache again, prompting him to tilt his head partially, “why - why would she-.. why would she care if I-?”

“Look, I don’t know what’s goin’ on between you two, but - whatever it is,” he began again gently, “y’all are gonna be just fine; you’ll work it out, I’m sure you will, come on - we gotta get you back, before you freeze, and Murphy bolts.” You would nod gravely, appearing crestfallen whilst you stared ahead of you, your vision clouding over with tears again; you couldn’t believe you’d failed again to rid Molly and the others of your burdening existence, but you were determined to keep trying, believing that they’d all be better off without you, especially Molly and Murphy. “Oh, and - before I forget,” he continued, before confiscating your guns to try and weaken the possibility of you trying to take your life, prompting you to grunt, “sorry, but I don’t think you can be trusted with your guns right now - anyway.” He then would cut you free, before he helped you up off of the ground, and you would lean heavily against the boulder whilst he put the tack back on Murphy. “C’mon, let’s go,” he encouraged, and you would begrudgingly nod gravely, before making to get back up onto Murphy, but he would direct you away from her before you could. “You ain’t ridin’ back on Murphy - not in a state like this,” he stated, and you would roll your eyes, before climbing up onto his Missouri Fox Trotter, “good.” He then climbed up onto the saddle, before whistling for Murphy to follow behind you both. “You ready?” He inquired, and you would force a nod again, before managing a faint smile, and then bowing your head again.

“Sure, I guess,” you answered, and he would nod in response, before easing his companion into a canter again, whilst you stared down at your hands, and cursed yourself for your failure the whole way, whilst you dreaded the pain you knew you were going to be in upon arriving back into the camp, but you knew you’d never be the same again anyway, not without Molly, so you guessed you’d just have to live with it, until you could finally take your life without intervention from Arthur, or one of the others, no matter how long it might take; you’d do anything to try and make Molly and Murphy happy, and if suicide was the only way, you’d do it for them without the slightest hesitation.

🜚

“Hey,” Arthur spoke up again once you’d both arrived back at camp, and you would hesitantly stop walking, and look back at him after you’d dismounted his Missouri Fox Trotter, “take it easy, alright? You’ve been through a lot recently - I’ll go and tell Molly and the others that you’re okay-”

“Wait-!” You cried feebly, your voice close to a whisper, and he would halt his horse before it could continue any further, nodding to show that he was listening to you, and you would then appear dejected for a moment, feeling guilty, though you doubted Molly could be worried about you after you’d disappeared. “Don’t-.. Don’t tell Molly; I-.. I’m scared of-.. of what she might think,” you admitted timidly, and Arthur would nod gravely, before smiling sympathetically over at you, though he knew he should tell her for both your and her sakes, and therefore intended to do so try and protect you both somehow, to avoid either of you trying to take your lives again to the best of his ability.

“Sure - just rest up, okay?” He replied, and you would nod your thanks, before mustering up the two words, and then leading Murphy into the stable, whilst he would then hitch up his horse, before making toward the main shack that he assumed Molly was still currently within, but he would be surprised to walk into her and Dutch’s room to find her crying whilst Mary-Beth and Tilly were trying to provide comfort to her. He would then awkwardly clear his throat, before stepping a little further into the room. “Ladies,” he began, “Miss O’Shea - you alright?”

“O-Of course I am,” she claimed whilst she tried to recompose herself, hastily wiping her eyes, before she allowed herself to look up at him, but he could see that she’d been upset for a while, now, and had previously heard that she was crying in a strained manner as if she was trying not to break down completely in front of the others for fear of what they might think; how they might suspect you and her as a result of her change in demeanour following your and her fight, whilst you, too, were appearing to be in pain despite trying not to show that you were, “why - why wouldn’t I be?”

“You ain’t okay,” he contradicted, and she would groan, before bowing her head, a pained expression on her face whilst she anxiously fidgeted with her hands, and he would then return his attention to Tilly and Mary-Beth who were rubbing Molly’s back. “Sorry, ladies, could I maybe talk to Miss O’Shea alone?” He requested, and they would share a look for a moment, appearing worried, before Mary-Beth looked up at him, and would voice her concerns as she feared that maybe something bad had happened to you due to the way he’d requested to talk privately with Molly, as if he were about to deliver her bad news regarding you after he’d gone out looking for you, and had recently - currently unbeknownst to them - brought you back, before this moment in time.

“Arthur, you - you did find Y/n, didn’t you?” She inquired, and he would realise, before nodding hastily to reassure them that you hadn’t got yourself killed this time, barely, but he now knew you would have if he’d not got to you in time.

“I found her, barely,” he answered, “but if I’d not got to her in time we’d have lost her.” Molly would then falter, glancing up at him with a hurt look on her face whilst she wondered what had happened to you; why you’d even decided to run off again in the first place, and he would then sigh upon noticing the look on her face. “That’s partly why I wanna talk to you alone for a minute, Miss O’Shea - would that be alright?” He asked, and she would appear nervous for a moment, before nodding gravely, and bowing her head again whilst she wondered what you might be doing, now; wondered if you were okay where you were, and if you’d still be upset with her if she came to check on you tomorrow whilst Dutch, Arthur, Bill, and Micah were out robbing the train the O’Driscolls had been targeting before Dutch had previously raided them. “Ladies?” He continued awkwardly, but they would understand, and nod hastily, before getting up to leave.

“Sorry, Arthur - we’ll get out of your way, now,” Tilly reassured him, before she and Mary-Beth left the room, and Arthur would then warily look outside, before closing the door, and leaning a little heavily against it whilst Molly continued to fidget with her hands warily, evidently anxious about what he might ask her, or be about to tell her regarding you briefly running off again earlier after you’d seen her and Dutch together, and she’d refused to give you a second chance, afraid of what might happen if she did, though she longed for things to return back to the way they were between you both; she missed you dearly, like you missed her more than you could ever miss anything else, excluding Murphy.

“So - what did ya wanna talk about, o-or ask me?” Molly began timidly, her voice briefly trembling whilst she bit down on her tongue a little to try and stop her voice from shaking anymore than it already was, and he would frown, before tilting his head partially; he couldn’t tell if she’d begun to cry again, but he’d certainly never seen her like this before.

Little did he know, she was trying not to break down again, but she was on the verge of failing miserably, and knew she might not be able to hold back her emotions again soon, especially when she knew that he wanted to discuss you, as well as her, and your secret relationship with one another.

“I’ll start things off easy,” he remarked, and she would nod again slowly whilst she tried to recompose herself, fighting back her tears to the best of her ability whilst she tried to stay focused so she could answer his incoming question, and do so whilst trying to protect you as well as herself from being hung, or harassed for your and her true hidden sexualities, and love for one another, “what happened between you and Y/n, earlier?”

She would try and appear puzzled whilst she tried to think up a response, rubbing her right arm with her left hand whilst she did subconsciously, and he then knew to expect a lie from her, at first.

“W-What are you talking about? Nothing happened between me and Y/n earlier,” she claimed, and he would raise his eyebrows, before grunting, and lowering his gaze a little; he’d have to get straight to the point if he wanted real answers from her, that much he could guess at this point, “we - we’re fine; h-happy, the way we are, not that it’s any of your business - you said as much, remember?”

“I did, but it is my business, now,” he contradicted, “it becomes my business when one of my companions tries to take their life, so-”

“T-Take their life? As in - As in suicide? Arthur, what - what are you-? But-” Her voice then failed her, and he would wince, realising she must think that maybe he’d lied to the others; that maybe you’d taken your life earlier, and she would never see you again, prompting her to shake her head hastily whilst tears began to stream down her cheek; she never thought that maybe she’d lose you like that, and the pain linked to the possibility of her never seeing you again was more excruciating than she had ever thought it could be. “No,” she whispered shakily, “A-Arthur, no, you - you said - you said Y/n was-”

“She’s fine, now,” he reassured hastily, “sorry, Miss O’Shea, I didn’t mean to suggest that she’d actually managed to-.. y’know.”

Molly then would allow a strained sob to escape her lips whilst her expression softened, and he would smile apologetically over at her, before awkwardly shuffling on the spot, and looking anywhere, but at her, until she spoke up again.

“I don’t know what I’d do without her, Arthur,” she admitted dejectedly, and he would nod gravely; he’d had similar fears after he and Mary had had to part ways, but his picture of her allowed him to feel as if he and her were still close together, though he’d never admit it to anyone, not even Dutch, Hosea, or Lenny. “Everything’s been-.. miserable,” she added, and he would nod again to show that he understood how she felt right now after whatever might have happened between you both to prompt you to try your hand at suicide, and she to seem like a shell of herself, as Mary-Beth previously suggested, and he now could see her to be, “w-wait, so, she-.. she tried to-.. b-because of me? I - I’m such an idiot, I-”

“Hey,” he interjected, “don’t start on yourself like that; you ain’t an idiot, and you didn’t know she’d try and do that after whatever it was that happened between you two.”

“Me and Y/n, we - we fought yesterday, and things haven’t been the same since,” she explained, and he would realise, “I-.. I never meant to hurt her like that, I swear; I - I just thought-.. I don’t know what I thought, now, I just miss her so much; I-.. I love her, Arthur.”

“I thought as much,” he replied, “but it ain’t of any concern to me, just - make sure you’re always keeping a low profile with Dutch, alright? I know it’s hard for you right now, but I don’t see any problem with it; you and Y/n are still my acquaintances, and somethin’ as stupid as love and relationships ain’t gonna change my mind about that.”

“Thank you, Arthur, that - that means a lot,” she responded, before managing a faint smile up at him, but it would soon fade shortly after she’d lowered her gaze again back down to her slightly shaky hands as a result of her shock over her mind being invaded by the possibility of her losing you, somehow, whilst her heart even seemed to still be aching despite her relief as a result of being reassured by Arthur that you were okay; that she had not lost you, though she’d feared that maybe she had as a result of his previous phrasing. Also, she couldn’t ignore the ache in her heart as a result of you not being there with her; that things hadn’t been resolved after the way they’d ended yesterday, and it was painful to remember the hurt look on your face that she’d noticed earlier once you’d both locked eyes for a moment after she’d briefly spoken to Dutch before he had rushed off to talk to Micah about his next plan regarding the gang’s future, and she hoped that maybe tomorrow - whilst Dutch and some of the others were out robbing the train the O’Driscolls had been targeting - she would be able to fix things with you, somehow; remind you of her never-ending feelings for you, as she knew she’d always love you, no matter what the future might hold for you both, she just wished you could remember whenever she reminded you of them.

“I can see this is still hurting you,” he observed, and Molly would frown, before nodding gravely; she didn’t dare respond verbally for fear of breaking down in front of him as she could tell that she was on the verge of doing so as a result of the overwhelming feelings that she was currently experiencing, “you should talk to Y/n; she misses you, I can tell she does, and the fact that she-.. y’know-.. went to such an extent as to-.. look, I ain’t good at these things, but - y’all are great together, and I don’t think you should let each other go, despite your situation, so - talk to her, as soon as you can, alright?”

“I’ll try, but - what if she doesn’t even wanna see me after earlier?” She inquired, and Arthur scoffed, before shaking his head.

“She wants to see you, Miss O’Shea, I can tell, though I ain’t one of those therapists, or some magical person who can read minds,” he insisted, “so don’t be scared, because the moment she notices you, she’ll be happy again, I know she will. Good luck, and don’t forget what I said about Dutch, and keeping a low profile.”

“Thanks again, Mr. Morgan,” she replied, and he would nod his head in response, humming quietly, before he left the room, and began to prepare himself for bed after the long day he’d had, whilst Molly - with newfound determination - would begin mixing the drug she had been using recently to get Dutch to sleep deeper, hoping that she’d be able to see you tonight, and therefore fix things before she could truly lose you.

🜚

Once Dutch had finally got to sleep, Molly wouldn’t hesitate to get up out of bed, before she quietly as well as hastily walked out of the shack, faltering upon noticing the stable a few paces away from her, prompting her to draw in a shaky breath, before she smiled softly, and would push herself to continue walking toward the building, hoping that tonight would be the night that you both could go back to being happy together again. It was when she heard crying behind the stable doors that she faltered, a pained expression on her face whilst she lingered by the door, before she opened it, and would frown when she noticed you curled up upon your blanket, crying into your right arm whilst you tried not to sob uncontrollably, until you heard the door open, and would allow a strained sob to escape your lips; you’d evidently been startled by Molly’s sudden appearance, until your gaze fell upon her, and you would forget how to breathe for a moment.

You would then pull yourself up off of the ground, leaning heavily against the stable door for a moment; you’d evidently been drinking for a little while, prompting her heart to sink even further; she couldn’t believe she’d driven you to try and take your life, and now to start drinking again after you’d both fought, and she had disappeared back into the shack after talking to Dutch.

“M-Molly-?” You strained out weakly, your voice barely audible, and she would falter upon hearing it, before allowing a faint sob to escape her, and then rushing up to you to embrace you, and you wouldn’t hesitate to cling to her whilst you both broke down within one another’s arms, sobbing uncontrollably whilst you revelled in the moment, clinging to each other as if your lives depended on holding each other the way that you were, now. “I - I’m so sorry,” you whispered shakily whilst you buried your face into the crook of her neck, and she would hastily shake her head, not wanting you to feel as if you had to apologise for the fight as she felt as if she were responsible for allowing it to go on the way it did, “I - I love you so much, Mol, I-.. I need you; I can’t do this without you - I - I still find myself falling asleep with you on my mind, a-and it - it hurts; hurts so much - p-please, don’t - don’t leave me; I have nothing without you; I am nothing without you, Miss O’Shea-”

“That’s not true, Y/n,” she contradicted, “you’re everything with, or without, me; you don’t need me to be everything - you know that, don’t ya?”

“No, I - I don’t,” you answered, “b-but that doesn’t matter, now, a-all that matters is that I love you, Molly, just-.. promise me something.”

“Anything,” she replied, “I - I’d do anything for you, Y/n - what do you want me to promise ya?”

“Promise - Promise me that - that you’ll-.. you’ll stay, just for tonight, if - if you don’t wanna see me again after today; I’d understand if you didn’t, I just - I don’t know-.. I don’t know what to do, or - or even think anymore-”

“Hey,” she cooed gently, before lifting her left hand up to your right cheek gently, prompting you to fall quiet, and instantly melt into her touch whilst you locked eyes with her blissfully, and couldn’t help, but admire her whilst more small tears began to cloud your vision; you couldn’t believe you’d fought with her again, and hated yourself for it - how could you fight with someone so perfect, and risk losing them; risk losing the only person who’d ever made you feel happier than you had ever been before? How could you hurt her the way you could tell you had? Her eyes were a little red, like your’s, excluding your wounded left eye which you could barely open after it had been scratched by one of the wolves that had recently ambushed you. “Why would you think that I wouldn’t wanna see you again after today?” She inquired, and you would frown, before bowing your head a little, and then begrudgingly escaping her embrace carefully without hurting her so you could walk up to Murphy, and pat at her neck using your right hand gently whilst she watched you, a pained expression on her face; to lose physical contact with you made her feel empty, and numb, whilst she longed to feel your arms around her again after you’d both not been able to embrace one another for a little while, now.

“T-The fight,” you began again faintly, and she would realise, before nodding gravely, and glancing down at the ground whilst you cursed yourself again for starting it the way you had; cursed yourself for allowing your jealousy to take over the way it had after you’d seen her and Dutch together again. “I thought-.. I thought you’d hate me, after-..” You admitted, and she would hastily shake her head, before closing the gap between you both again, wrapping her arms around your waist blissfully whilst she rested her head upon your right shoulder, and you would appear surprised, but you wouldn’t hesitate to melt into her embrace subconsciously, smiling softly whilst you rested the back of your head against her left shoulder.

“Y/n, you - you know I could never hate ya,” she cooed, “I love ya, and that’s never gonna change, I promise.”

You would then carefully turn around within her arms, before you smirked over at her, and would wrap your arms around her waist whilst you affectionately connected your forehead to her own blissfully, prompting her heart to skip a beat whilst she admired you again, and easily grew to be quite flustered whilst her cheeks began to warm up as a result of how close you both currently were together.

“I thought you said you wouldn’t fall in love with someone like me,” you reminded her, and she would wince, before shaking her head hastily, and then teasing you by brushing her lips against your own for a moment, prompting your heart to skip a beat alongside her’s whilst it began to race a little overwhelmingly in the best way possible.

“You know I didn’t mean that,” she replied, and you would raise your eyebrows whilst she pouted a little in response to your reaction, prompting you to giggle whilst you subconsciously raised your right hand up to her left cheek so you could feel her soft skin again, and even connect some of her freckles together using your thumb without even needing to look at them; you just knew where they were, now, though you liked to look at her freckles whenever you woke up before her, finding them, as well as her entire being, to be adorable. “How could I not fall in love with someone as beautiful as my beloved Y/n L/n?” She remarked, flustering you even further as you made to protest, believing yourself to be the opposite of what she saw you to be, but before you could even open your mouth to do so, she would delicately connect her lips to your own, before she then picked you up off of the ground, prompting you to giggle whilst she carried you over to your sheet and blanket, smiling lovingly down at you when she wasn’t kissing you, until she reached the sheet, and could carefully lower you down onto it, intending to make yesterday night, and today up to you to the best of her ability.

🜸🜚🜸

As soon as Dutch had left the next morning with Arthur, Micah, Bill, and Lenny to rob the train the O’Driscolls had previously been targeting, Molly would sneak out to find you, surprised, as well as elated to see you waiting outside for her timidly whilst you were anxiously fidgeting with your hands, evidently nervous to see her though she couldn’t imagine why; you - unbeknownst to her - were always afraid of disappointing her, somehow, knowing that you could never truly be good enough for her, no matter how much you longed to be exactly that for her, or maybe even more; she deserved someone who could be perfect for her, and no matter how much she tried to deny it, you knew that that wasn’t what you were, and most likely could never be what you were for her.

She then would falter in place when she noticed Mary-Beth walking up to check on you, surprised by the pang of jealousy she then experienced, but she would quickly lower her gaze, and act as if she were interested in one of the patterns on the dress you’d bought for her recently as a gift for her birthday, until you were alone again, and would make to distract yourself by cleaning the saddle you’d hung up upon one of the hitching posts outside to the left side of the barn’s entrance. Following her noticing that you were now stood with your back to her, Molly would smirk, before making to approach you again, and once she’d got close enough to do so, she would warily look around to check that the surroundings were clear, before she wrapped her arms around your waist, prompting you to jump a little, before your heart skipped a beat, and began to race again.

“Do you, or did you, now, miss me, Miss L/n?” She inquired, prompting you to grin whilst you subconsciously melted into her embrace, allowing your head to rest blissfully upon her left shoulder.

“You know very well that I did, Miss O’Shea,” you answered, before smirking up at her, and she would beam back down at you, before she then leaned down to delicately press her lips to your neck, prompting you to shudder a little, as well as to giggle softly in response to feeling her soft lips against it; her kisses were so light, but they still made you burst out so easily into fits of uncontrollable giggles. “Did you miss me?” You asked when you had managed to briefly recompose yourself, and she would then appear taken aback by the question, before opening her mouth to answer it, only to be interrupted by the sound of a door opening nearby, startling her, but to appease her you would then manage to ease her around the corner to keep her and you hidden whilst you gently pinned her to the wall, flustering her, as well as yourself whilst you both occasionally locked eyes longingly, but you knew that if either of you gave in to your feelings, and made any kind of noise whilst whoever had just come outside was talking to a companion, and could easily catch you both together - something you both feared regarding one another’s safety - as you knew that they could easily harass you if they found out about your and her secret relationship; you could easily lose one another if anyone else found out about you and her, and believed yourselves lucky to be supported by Arthur, somehow, though you’d previously believed he might not support you like you hoped he would the first time he revealed his suspicions regarding your and her seemingly ‘too close to be just best friends’ relationship.

“I heard from Miss Grimshaw that we might be moving down the mountain soon,” a familiar voice you could only assume belonging to Mary-Beth would sound out more clearly, and you would appear surprised, as well as a little disappointed; you’d been getting used to sneaking around with Molly here, and feared what changes a new camp might bring for you both, but you would try and hide this from her, hiding your face from her to the best of your ability whilst you seemed to begin blushing a little more profusely upon being reminded of the position you were both in, with no gaps left between you both in the best way possible. “To some clearing called Horseshoe Overlook,” she added, “hopefully you, John, and Jack settle down more there - do you think you will?”

“I mean I hope so, but - I don’t know what to do about John; he just ain’t interested in spending time with Jack,” you then realised that Mary-Beth must be talking to Abigail regarding John’s awkward and distant relationship with his - though possibly not biological son - Jack, after he’d briefly run off following Abigail’s giving birth to Jack. “I guess this is just-.. the way things are between them now,” she concluded dejectedly, “I’m glad to get out of this snow, anyway; it ain’t warm enough here, and I’m sick of bein’ cooped up within that shack all day.”

“I hear ya,” Mary-Beth corroborated, “it’s horrible; always too crowded, and it ain’t gonna be doin’ Mrs Adler any good to be stuck in there, either - some fresh air would do her some good; it would do all of us good.”

“I sure hope so,” Abigail expressed, and you would then express relief upon hearing another door shut - which one you couldn’t be sure, but your guess was that they’d gone into the smaller shack whilst Bill, Micah, and Lenny were out to continue their private conversation without any interruption by the other companions who hadn’t accompanied Dutch and the others to rob the O’Driscoll’s previously targeted train.

You then - begrudgingly - made to move away, but she would hastily shake her head, before wrapping her arms around your waist to keep you in place, surprising you, but you wouldn’t protest against her action, instead smirking over at her whilst you tilted your head partially, and wore a knowing expression on your face.

“D-Don’t move, yet,” she requested exasperatedly, and you would nod, before smiling lovingly over at her, and affectionately connecting your forehead to her own, prompting her heart to begin pounding whilst you both revelled in the blissful moment; revelled in being so close again whilst both of you began to feel warm and fuzzy all over again, your eyes glinting whenever they locked with her’s in the best way possible.

“You’re strong - you know that, don’t you?” You remarked, and she would appear taken aback, as well as flattered and further flustered by your compliment due to the unexpectedness of it.

“I’m not strong, you’re just weak, Miss L/n,” she teased, prompting you to pout over at her in response to her reaction, and she would have to try her best not to giggle, and give into your now one puppy eye due to your inability to properly open your left one after one of the ambushing wolves had scratched you across that side of the face, getting your eye alongside your cheek. “I also noticed you jumped earlier when I hugged you,” she reminded you, and you would wince, evidently embarrassed, before lowering your gaze hastily whilst she smirked over at you again, “are you afraid of me? Of your best friend in the entire world, Molly O’Shea?”

“Never,” you answered, before leaning forward to delicately connect your lips to her’s, and she would instantly melt into the kiss, smiling against your lips.

Once the kiss had sadly ended, you both would sport flustered as well as dazed expressions on your faces whilst you smiled lovingly, and admired one another, she lifting her left hand up to your right cheek, and you lifting your right hand up to her left one, whilst your free arms remained around one another to keep each other close, and to banish any of the remaining gaps that had been left between you.

“Good, because if you were, I’d have to punish ya, wouldn’t I?” She teased, and you would raise your eyebrows, before smirking over at her again, and then tilting your head partially whilst you inched even closer to her, somehow flustering her even more whilst she began to find it harder to breathe, but in a comforting way that made her feel as if she shouldn’t panic whilst she focused on you, and only you, her eyes glinting in the best way possible alongside your own.

“Is that a threat, Miss O’Shea?” You inquired, and she would grin mischievously, before pretending to think about your question for a moment as she knew what you were planning on doing, and she wanted to fluster you even more by making you wait for it for a brief moment, prompting you to pout again, and she to giggle whilst she lovingly booped the tip of your nose with her own to get you to start smiling again; she already missed your smile, though she found you to be adorable whenever you began to pout like you had a brief moment ago.

“Why? Do you want it to be?” She questioned, and you would vaguely shrug, before grinning up at her whilst you wrapped your arms around her waist again, prompting her heart to skip a beat whilst she subconsciously glanced down at your lips for a moment; they were so close again, and all she could think about was kissing you again.

“No, but - whatever you’re doing is working,” you remarked suggestively, “I’m terrified of you right now, and am even more scared of what you might do to me, now that you know that.”

“Really? ‘Cause I think you know what I’m gonna do, Miss L/n,” she replied, and you would feign knowledge regarding what the next moment might bring whilst you shook your head, and would try and appear puzzled, “you’re gonna hate it.”

“Why do I doubt that?” You responded, between the brief and blissful kisses that you both were currently sharing.

“I don’t know,” she answered, “maybe you will, maybe you won’t - let’s find out, shall we?”

“I’d like that,” you corroborated, and she would then beam over at you, glad, before she led you slowly- after checking around the corner to make sure that there were no other outside wanderers around - around the same aforementioned corner, and then disappeared hastily back into the stable with you, passionately kissing you briefly, before she closed the door behind her to give you both a little more privacy, until Dutch and the others had sadly returned, meaning you both had to part temporarily, until the early hours of the morning had finally come around again.

|

Once he’d returned, Dutch had confirmed his plans to begin moving down the mountain, instructing everyone to begin packing ready for their move the next day. You recalled how you and Molly briefly shared a worried glance; you weren’t sure how easy it would be to sneak around, now that you were going to be residing in some other place, but you knew you should try and provide comfort to her, so you would smile softly in her direction, prompting her heart to skip a beat, before she smiled timidly back at you, and would warily look over at Dutch to make sure that he’d not noticed, but he was already too immersed in his brief speech about resilience, and freedom, to pick up on your and her connection.

A few hours after that moment, Molly was making her way toward the stable, until she faltered upon hearing two voices within it, one belonging to Mary-Beth, and the other you. Her heart would then sink, before she bowed her head a little, though she wasn’t sure why she was jealous, and anxious regarding how you and Mary-Beth had been talking a lot recently, but before she could even begin to argue with herself over whether she should return to the shack in which she’d left Dutch deeply sleeping again, the stable door would begin to open, panicking her as she rushed over to the same wall she’d been hiding behind with you earlier.

Being here again seemed to prompt her to smile softly whilst she recalled the way in which you’d gently pinned her to the wall to avoid being seen by Mary-Beth and Abigail, and the way you had so delicately kissed her as if you viewed her to be a tender flower you were terrified of crushing, somehow, making her feel content again, as well as a little guilty for assuming that maybe you’d do something behind her back like cheat on her with Mary-Beth, as if she’d not briefly been in pain before following her hearing Mary-Beth’s voice alongside your own within the stable.

Once she’d heard the door to the shack in which she resided alongside most of the other gang members open, she would peek her head around the corner to make sure that she had gone, before she warily snuck around to the stable door, and would then timidly knock upon it, not wanting to surprise you by entering without making you aware of her presence. As soon as you opened the door, you couldn’t help, but beam over at her, evidently elated to see her again though you’d both already seen one another a few hours ago, now.

“M-Miss O’Shea-”

“Can I come in?” She requested, and you would falter, before nodding hastily, and stepping aside to allow her to enter the stable, before you closed the door whilst your heart seemed to sink a little, though you weren’t sure why; you had been taken aback by her reaction, and were evidently worried that maybe she was upset with you, for a reason unbeknownst to you, leaving you terrified that maybe you might lose her again, somehow, and this thought would prompt your heart to begin racing overwhelmingly, as well as excruciatingly whilst you warily watched her seeming to look around subconsciously as if she were searching for something incriminating, though you couldn’t imagine why; Mary-Beth had only come in to check on you after you’d disappeared with the intention of trying to take your life a couple of days ago, now, wanting to make sure that you were okay, now, especially due to how you were often alone within the stable - well, they (excluding Arthur) were being made to believe that you were, a lot of the time, when - whenever Molly was available - sometimes you weren’t, obviously unbeknownst to them.

“Hey,” you cooed, and she would then wince, before timidly looking over at you, “are - are you okay? You seem-”

“What, Y/n?” She interjected, unable to stop herself, and you would fall quiet, a pained expression on your face whilst you wondered what had happened to upset her the way it had, even cursing yourself quietly for whatever it was that you had done, prompting your heart to ache again whilst you puzzled quietly over whether you might have said something earlier that she might have disagreed with, and it frightened you even more to think that maybe something you’d done had hurt her, somehow, even prompting small tears to cloud your vision as you knew you’d never be able to forgive yourself if you ever ended up hurting her; you’d only ever wanted to make her happy; to make her feel special, and valued, the way she was, and had always; would always deserve to be treated, her new demeanour prompting you to begin doubting excruciatingly your ability to try and do such things for her, the way you had feared you couldn’t before, following the first ever time that you’d both shared a blissful kiss. “What do I seem like to you, right now? ‘Cause I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me; it’s you,” she continued, her voice briefly trembling whilst she did, and you would frown, a crestfallen expression on your face, before you bowed your head dejectedly; nothing had ever hurt so excruciatingly before, but you weren’t surprised by her revelation, due to how you’d often viewed yourself to be nothing, compared to her, and always feared that maybe you could never he good enough for her, “what’s going on between you and Mary-Beth? Tell me, and I might change my mind, but if you don’t tell me-.. well - you - you already know what’ll happen, don’t ya?”

You would then glance up at her, appearing taken aback by her question, before you hastily shook your head, and would timidly step closer to her, only prompting her to step back reluctantly, prompting your heart to sink again, before you faltered, and found your heart aching again excruciatingly within your chest.

“Mol, what - what are you talking about? What’s Mary-Beth got to do with anything?” You questioned, and she would frown when she noticed that you’d begun to cry, prompting her own heart to sink again alongside your own as she hated seeing you upset like you were, now, wishing she’d never brought her suspicions up as she knew that you’d never intentionally hurt her by doing something like that to her.

“I saw, and heard her in here, Y/n,” she clarified, “and I saw her talking to you earlier - why are you two so close, now, huh? What has she got that I haven’t? Am I not good enough for ya, or something? Not enough for ya-? What even am I to ya, Miss L/n? Because I’m not sure anymore.”

“Molly, you - you’re everything to me,” you expressed shakily, and she would falter, a pained expression on her face whilst it softened, and she began to feel guilty all over again for even thinking that you’d cheat on her like she’d feared you had, a brief moment ago, “Mary-Beth’s just a friend, I promise; I love you, Miss O’Shea-”

“Yeah, but - we used to be friends to be just friends, too,” she reminded you, and you couldn’t help, but smile softly over at her, before you timidly rubbed your right arm using your left hand, prompting her to tilt her head partially whilst she wondered for a moment what you might be thinking about; what you might be about to say, even feeling her heart beginning to race overwhelmingly as she could tell by the look on your face that you were about to say something that might end up easily flustering her somehow.

“Sure, we used to merely be friends, before, but,” you began again, before you inched closer to her again, and this time she found she couldn’t move away; couldn’t help, but admire you, and allow you to draw closer, after you’d both been separated for a little while ever since Dutch had returned from the train robbery he’d planned, “Mol, you - you’re so much more to me than that, now, and nobody could ever be as special to me the way that you are; you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Molly O’Shea, a-and I - I’m never gonna stop trying to prove that to you, u-until you - you decide you don’t want me anymore-”

“Hey,” she interjected gently, before wrapping her arms around your waist, and you wouldn’t hesitate to melt into her embrace whilst you returned the hug, and would subconsciously connect your forehead to her own whilst you admired her, and couldn’t help, but smile lovingly over at her, “there will never be a day that I wake up, and decide that I don’t want you anymore, I promise; I love you, too, Y/n, and that’s never gonna change, n-no matter what, you know that, right?”

“O-Of course I do,” you reassured her, and she would express relief, before smiling warmly back at you, glad, “it’s like I told you before; I remember everything that - that my beautiful beloved tells me, a-and I always will, just - promise me that you know - that you know I could never hurt you like that; I’d - I’d never be able to forgive myself; w-would never be able to even - even go on living if I-.. Molly-..”

A strained sob then slipped from your lips, and she would frown upon hearing it, before shaking her head, and then lifting her left hand up to your right cheek to try and provide comfort to you, prompting you to instantly melt into her touch whilst more tears began to stream down your cheeks again; it was painful to even think about waking up, and realising that she was no longer beside you, and you couldn’t let it happen - just couldn’t; you couldn’t lose her again, so you were determined not to, for as long as she still decided that she somehow wanted you, despite all that you had both already been through together over the years.

“Don’t cry, Y/n,” she cooed whilst she held you close to her, and you would cling to her whilst she rubbed your back soothingly with her right hand; she wished she could do more for you, “you’d never hurt me; I know you wouldn’t, so don’t ever worry about something like that, because I trust you, and I know everything about ya; I love you, Miss L/n.”

You couldn’t help, but smile softly whilst you buried your face into the crook of her neck, and she would smile lovingly alongside you whilst she lifted her right hand a little to blissfully entangle her fingers within your hair.

“I - I’m glad, because - I love you, too, Miss O’Shea,” you returned, your voice briefly trembling whilst you continued to try and recompose yourself after you’d broken down a brief moment ago, “I always have, a-and I always will, I promise; I - I swear it on my own life-”

“None of that,” she whined, before holding you at arms length, surprising you as you began to feel empty upon the loss of warmth you had experienced being so close to her previously, and it would even prompt your heart to sink to have gaps between you both again, but the pain would instantly fade away when your eyes locked with her’s in the best way possible, prompting your heart to skip a beat, and you to smile faintly whilst you admired her blissfully, “I don’t wanna lose ya, Y/n-”

“You won’t lose me, I promise,” you reassured hastily, not wanting her to think that she would, especially depending on your feelings, “because - the only thing I’m certain of now is the fact that I love you; t-the fact that I wanna spend the rest of my life with you, and maybe even whatever comes after that if - if we can still be together, but if we can’t, I’d reject whatever afterlife I’m given, because I only wanna be with you, Mol, and that’s never gonna change, n-no matter what the future holds for us.”

Molly then found she couldn’t hold it back anymore as she began to cry quietly, prompting your heart to sink, and expression to soften whilst you shook your head, and would try and provide comfort to her by affectionately connecting your forehead to her own, before you lifted your right hand up to her left cheek to delicately brush away her tears, and smile lovingly over at her whilst she clung to you, and gradually begun to recompose herself.

“W-What did I do to deserve you, Y/n?” She inquired, her voice close to a shaky whisper, and you would appear taken aback by her question.

“I should be the one asking what I did to deserve someone as perfect as you,” you answered, and she would frown, before hastily shaking her head whilst she wondered why you kept putting yourself down, wishing again that she could do more to show you how perfect you were, and always would be, in her eyes, scar and all. “Molly, you - you’re everything, and I’m-”

“Perfect,” she interjected, prompting you to falter, and fall quiet whilst you locked eyes with her in the best way possible, “t-the most beautiful, caring, funny, talented, and bravest woman I’ve ever met, and that’s never gonna change; I will never stop trying to prove that that is what you are to me, Y/n; you’re everything to me, and do ya remember what I told you before - a few days ago - about what I’d have to do to you if you ever started believing that you’re not good enough for me again?”

You then couldn’t help, but grin toothily over at her whilst you recalled the very day she was referring to, prompting your heart to skip a beat whilst you recalled the way she’d run her hand down your chest, and stomach, before you were both interrupted by Dutch, Arthur, and Micah’s return to the camp after they’d gone out looking for a food source, John, and had had to take on a few O’Driscolls that had settled down in the nearby area, prompting you both to have to briefly part ways for the night the way you had, just to avoid them suspecting either of you, therefore protecting one another from possibly being harassed for your homosexuality, as well as the possibility of either of you having to come face to face with the noose.

“I might remember - if you remind me, maybe, of what it is that you’re planning on doing to me for my crime,” you bargained, and she would smirk, before raising her eyebrows a little, and easing your body even closer to her own to close the gaps between you both, as well as fluster you whilst you timidly glanced up at her, blood rushing to your cheeks instantly in response to her action.

“I’d love to, Miss L/n,” she replied, before leaning closer to you so her lips could be dangerously close to brushing against your own, prompting you to have to fight back a whimper whilst you silently begged her to kiss you, desperate to feel her lips against your own again though you’d both recently kissed a little earlier in the day whilst Dutch and a few of the others had been out robbing the O’Driscolls previously targeted train. “With pleasure,” she added, before she finally connected her lips to your’s delicately, and you would instantly melt into the kiss, before she picked you up off of the ground, prompting you to giggle, and cling to her shoulders whilst she carried you over to your sheet, kissing you again a little more passionately once she’d recovered from her own giggling fit, before she lowered you carefully down onto it, and would then clumsily straddle you, prompting you both to laugh again as you knew you must look funny the way you were currently positioned, before she’d stabilised herself, and would then continue to kiss you deeply, as well as still gently, until she finally felt confident enough to make the first move.

🜸🜚🜸

Originally, you’d both travelled down alongside the others to Horseshoe Overlook with hopeful hearts; you thought maybe it would remain to be easy for you both to continue sneaking around together, but it seemed to be slightly harder now, and a tad bit more risky; you’d have to travel a little further away just to go on meeting one another the way you would up in the mountains. The clearing, and higher rate of civilisation around it, only posed more risk of you both being caught together, somehow, and therefore the risk of you being hung for being two women romantically involved, something you thought that maybe they’d never agree with, no matter how many years might pass; how many you and Molly might see through together without being excruciatingly parted from one another.

The thought of losing her again would prompt you to tense up, and wince whilst your heart began to ache overwhelmingly; you were terrified to think of a world in which you’d never be able to hear her voice again; couldn’t even fathom what it would be like to never even hold her, or have your gaze blissfully fall upon her, but the universe seemed to also be against you both being together, as things soon seemed to go wrong again, and so painfully quickly that you feared you might never be able to truly recover from the upcoming events. They started with you witnessing Molly and Dutch kissing, though you knew it was meant to be something you’d got used to already, with them officially being together, now, and you just her supposed beloved side piece, no matter how much she might insist that Dutch was the one who was the side piece in the matter; you’d never be able to believe otherwise, not anymore; you’d stopped believing ever since you’d joined the gang after being encouraged to by her, and sometimes you wished that you’d never made such a fateful decision, especially after days like today.

You were leaning against Murphy’s hitching post, when you timidly looked over at Dutch’s and Molly’s tent; you’d heard Molly’s voice, and as usual it prompted your heart to skip a beat, and you to smile softly whilst you subconsciously admired her upon noticing that she’d left the tent to strike up a conversation with Dutch. As this was more of an open area, she guessed she should do so to avoid suspicion being struck up again like it had regarding Arthur, and his now awareness of your and her situation, but she’d never thought that she would have to do so quite as often as she was having to, with Dutch being around camp more, now.

Knowing that you were watching, she was trying to be careful, afraid of hurting you again, but he had been the one to begin flirting with her the way he had, only making things harder for her to control as she knew that him flirting with her meant that she should return the favour, in the eyes of the others, and that was when he turned to face her, wrapped his arms around her waist, and then leaned forward to connect his lips to her’s, and of course she couldn’t pull away, reminding herself of what might happen to you if you both were exposed for being the way that you always had, and always would be, so she fought back the urge to escape his embrace, instead returning it, and pretending to melt into the kiss, but it looked real enough to you.

As soon as they’d kissed, you began to feel numb again, your heart sinking, and aching excruciatingly whilst you faltered in place, and would find yourself feeling lost again, though you knew that - with them being together - they would eventually kiss again, with or without you there to witness it happening. Once it had ended, you would hastily bow your head, not wanting her to look over - though you doubted why she’d even bother doing so - and see that you were trying not to cry, not wanting to hurt her by having her see that you were in pain as a result of what had just taken place between she and him.

“You alright there, Y/n?” You would wince, before hastily wiping your invading tears away before Arthur could notice your change in demeanour, and question it again, despite his knowing about you and Molly, now.

“Sure,” you claimed, avoiding eye contact with him to the best of your ability whilst you also occasionally bowed your head whenever you felt more small tears beginning to cloud your vision, having to bite down on your tongue slightly to try and avoid having your voice tremble no matter how much it seemed to long to whilst you were verging on breaking down again, “why - why wouldn’t I be?”

“You look lonely over here, that’s all,” he explained, and you would scoff, before turning to face Murphy, prompting her to whinny gently whilst you pat at her neck using your right hand, and scratched at her ear as you knew she liked you to do so, especially whenever she was bored, and having to be tied to this post whenever you both weren’t riding out of the camp quietly with Molly, often only just managing to get passed whoever was on duty guarding the camp each time.

“Well I’m not - I have Murphy, don’t I?” You reminded him, and he would appear embarrassed for a moment, glad that you weren’t currently facing him, before he cleared his throat awkwardly in response to your contradiction.

“Still; you could surely do with getting some more fresh air with the others, couldn’t you?” He pried, and you would roll your eyes, before turning to face him again whilst you crossed your arms impatiently, and would appear skeptical of what he might be getting at.

“What do you want from me, Arthur?” You questioned, and he would wince; he could tell you weren’t in a great mood, and knew then that you’d probably refuse his upcoming suggestion, though he’d been hoping that maybe he’d be able to keep you distracted for a while as he could easily infer that you had been struggling a lot more recently due to you often noticing Molly and Dutch together, more than you had up in the Grizzly Mountains. He also knew that getting you out of camp for a little while would further protect you from Susan; she’d still been bugging you recently again for not doing much around camp away from where Dutch might be able to see her doing so as she knew that either he or Molly would try and dissuade her from you if they caught her having a go at you again.

“Nothin’,” he answered simply, “I just thought maybe you’d wanna join me, Uncle, and some of the others on a trip up to Valentine, a town near here; it could do you some good bein’ out for a little while, don’t you think?”

You would scoff, before shaking your head gravely; nothing, but Molly, could restore you whenever you found yourself in pain, like you were, now, as a result of you being an unlucky nothing witness to her and Dutch’s previous kiss.

“Maybe some other time, but-.. I can’t, today,” you uttered, and he would nod gravely; he’d been expecting an answer like that from you, and he would sigh heavily after you’d turned away from him again to distract yourself with Murphy to the best of your ability.

“Look, Y/n, you - you know Molly loves you, don’t you?” He began again, and you would falter upon hearing the question, before you warily looked back at him.

“How did you-”

“It was obvious, really,” he remarked, and you would frown, before nodding gravely whilst you lowered your gaze again, and wondered again why the smallest of things kept hurting you the way that they were, recently, “I didn’t need Molly to tell me the night you disappeared again.”

“Wait, she - she told you?” You mused, and he would nod, before shrugging; he didn’t think it to be a big deal, especially when he wasn’t the harassing kind of type when it came down to situations like these.

“Sure, she told me,” he repeated, “why? It ain’t a problem; you know I ain’t one of those people who’d think bad things about people like you and Molly - I don’t see anything wrong with it; love’s just some stupid thing you get sidetracked by, anyway, so why should it concern me enough to make me want to make anyone suffer anymore than they’re already being made to?”

“Love only makes you suffer when the person you’re in love with makes you feel like you mean nothing to them,” you murmured dejectedly, and he would nod gravely, before looking away from you for a moment as if what you’d said had reminded him of his own experience with Mary, prompting you to wince, before you hastily shook your head, “sorry, Arthur, I didn’t mean-”

“I know what you meant, Y/n,” he reassured, before smiling faintly over at you, “but you know it ain’t like that, don’t you? Molly could never intentionally hurt you like that-”

“Y/n-?” You would falter, a pained expression on your face following you hearing her voice again, and he would fall quiet, before awkwardly smiling over at her, and tipping his hat a little to greet her.

“Miss O’Shea,” you managed, your voice close to a whisper, and she would frown, wondering why you were trying to hide your face from her.

“I’ll leave y’all to it; Uncle’s probably getting impatient to get movin’, so - I’ll see you both in a bit and check on you, alright?” He concluded, before rushing off back to the wagon before Uncle could give him an earful, keeping him and the ladies (Karen, Mary-Beth, and Tilly) waiting for him to join them.

“Y-Y/n, I-”

“I think I’m gonna try out hunting,” you decided, and she would falter, a pained expression on her face whilst she watched you unhitching Murphy, your hands shaking a little whilst you did, prompting her heart to sink, before she gently held your hands within her own in an attempt to try and provide comfort to you, and you would appear a little more relaxed, your hands instantly ceasing to shake as soon as they were immersed within her warmth.

“Talk to me,” she cooed, her voice briefly trembling, and you would frown, before glancing up at her whilst she silently begged you to stay, “Y/n-”

“T-There’s nothing to talk about,” you interjected in a strained manner, before forcing yourself to remove your hands from her own, prompting her to appear crestfallen upon losing physical contact with you so soon, “I - I’ll be back later, okay?”

“But-”

“Just - go back to Dutch before he starts thinking I mean anything more to you,” you uttered, before climbing up onto Murphy’s saddle, and she would shake her head hastily, desperate to try and stop you from leaving like this as she could tell, now, that you must have seen them kissing earlier.

“Y-Y/n, no, please,” she begged feebly, “stay, I - I love you, I-”

“I don’t need you to lie to me anymore,” you interjected, “Mol, n-nobody’s ever wanted me; my parents didn’t even want me; I guess I should have realised that this was all just too good to be true, right?”

“No, Y/n, that - that’s not-”

“Have a nice life, Mol,” you strained out, before you eased Murphy into a gallop before she could try and stop you; you didn’t want to break down in front of her again, knowing you’d hurt her even more if you did, and you knew that you’d never be able to forgive yourself by doing so, though you already knew you’d forever hate yourself for reacting the way you had, especially after you’d begun to come to your senses after a little while, but of course you always seemed to do so when it was far too late to take back what had already been said and done.

🜚

Once you’d got back to the camp, you were greeted by Arthur and Susan rushing up to you, whilst Dutch hesitated, before following behind them, Molly warily watching, and seeming to examine you from afar with a pained expression on her face to make sure that you were okay; make sure that you hadn’t returned wounded, but as soon as you locked eyes with her, she would falter, appearing to be stuck in place for a moment whilst she admired you, before she forced herself to bow her head, and would disappear back into the tent as she didn’t want to break down in front of you and the others, especially when she could tell that she was verging on doing so.

As soon as she’d disappeared, your heart would sink, whilst small tears began to cloud your vision again; you couldn’t believe you’d messed up with her all over again. You then bowed your head whilst you bit down on your bottom lip in an attempt to try and stop it from shaking, somehow; you couldn’t stand being so far away from her, and knowing that you’d left things the way you had, leaving you feeling numb inside, and as if you’d lost everything now that you knew she’d probably never forgive you for the way you’d treated her earlier, prompting you to curse yourself internally, not even jumping when Susan raised a shotgun to you, whilst Arthur and Dutch shouted for her to lower it.

“Where’d you go without telling anyone, huh?” She questioned, before having Arthur grab hold of the gun, and would pry it from Susan before she could shoot you down off of Murphy for leaving so unexpectedly earlier the way you had.

“Lay off her, would you?” Arthur commanded, and Susan would appear shocked, scowling over at him whilst she shook her head subconsciously.

“Sometimes I can’t quite believe you, Mr. Morgan,” she retorted, before storming off to go and find someone else she could pick on.

“What the hell were you thinking, Y/n?” He questioned gruffly, and you would simply shrug, before bowing your head a little whilst you stared down at the reins of Murphy’s bridle, before you glanced over at the wild flowers in your right hand that you had picked for Molly, hoping she’d accept them for your previous behaviour earlier, though you doubted that she would, now, prompting you to frown, whilst your heart began to ache overwhelmingly; you’d never do anything right, of that fact you were certain, now.

“I - I don’t know what to think, anymore,” you admitted weakly, your voice briefly trembling whilst you did, before you scoffed, and silently cursed yourself again for being so weak, hastily lifting your free left hand up to try and rid yourself of the tears that had managed to escape your eyes again, “I never did-”

“There she is!” Dutch greeted once he’d reached you both, and you would tense up, before silently grimacing down at your hands again; you knew you couldn’t openly oppose him for fear of what might happen to you and Molly if you tried, no matter how much you longed to let him know exactly what you thought of him. “Where’ve you been, Miss L/n? We’ve all been worried sick about you; Miss O’Shea’s not even said a word to me ever since you left,” he stated, and you would falter, appearing surprised, as well as a little hopeful whilst you looked over at him, “do you need us to get you anything, or are you okay, now?”

“I’m fine, now; I’ll live,” you managed, before dismounting Murphy, and leading her over to the hitching post whilst Dutch and Arthur curiously watched you, before Dutch began again.

“That’s good to hear - well, welcome back anyway, and make sure next time that you let one of us know where it is that you’re going, alright?” He advised, and you would nod begrudgingly whilst you leaned heavily against the hitching post, before he walked back to his and Molly’s tent to share the good news that you’d returned with Molly as he hadn’t noticed her peeking out of the tent a brief moment ago following your sudden as well as a tad unexpected return, and therefore assumed that she didn’t yet know about it, when she did already know, unbeknownst to him, and would express relief again following his informing her of your return, and upon him asking her if she’d like to see you, she would falter, and hastily try and come up with an excuse, eventually coming to the conclusion that she was currently not feeling well, and was afraid of making you feel the same way, and surprisingly he seemed to believe her, relieving her even more as she’d feared that maybe he would begin suspecting you both for the way in which she seemed to be trying to distance herself from you after what had taken place earlier, no matter how much it pained her excruciatingly to leave gaps between you both again.

“You can be a real idiot sometimes, you know that?” Arthur remarked, and you would grunt, before hitching Murphy up again so you could begin to brush her to try and hide from him the pain you were currently in, though he could already tell that there was something wrong, and had guessed that something had happened between you and Molly after he’d heard from her that you had run off on Murphy. “Me and Charles, we went out lookin’ for you,” he stated, and you would wince, before reluctantly putting the brush away, and then turning to face him whilst you subconsciously tried to hide the wild flowers that you had picked for Molly.

“Yeah, well, it’s not like you had to; I only went out hunting,” you retorted, and he would raise his eyebrows, before tilting his head partially after he’d looked over at Murphy to find no animal corpses stashed upon it; you hadn’t even caught any smaller animals that you could stash within your satchel, or hang upon the side of her saddle.

“It don’t even look like you tried to catch anything,” he remarked, and you would then tense up, before lowering your gaze hastily, “what are you hiding in your right hand, Y/n? Did you catch a damn rodent, or somethin’?”

“It’s none of your business, so why should I show you?” You questioned him, and he would grimace, before making to step closer to you, and you would appear startled; he still had your gun, so you couldn’t keep him back without it, and this would prompt you to hastily reveal the flowers you’d picked, and he would appear surprised.

“Ah, I see; you went out hunting for flowers, and not animals,” he stated, and you would - appearing embarrassed - then bow your head partially again as you had tried to hunt something like they would, but of course you had to go and miserably fail, proving yourself to be what you believed yourself to be: a nothing coward who couldn’t even provide for the gang you live within, as well as Molly who you always seemed to mess up with ever since she officially got together with Dutch.

“I-.. I wanted to make it up to Molly, somehow,” you admitted dejectedly, “but-.. I don’t think she wants anything to do with me anymore, s-so-.. I guess.. if anyone wants them-”

“What? You’re just giving up?” He interjected, and you would frown, before nodding gravely, and awkwardly shuffling on the spot. “You really are pathetic, if you think that what you both have between you ain’t something you should try and hold onto,” he remarked, and you would bow your head again whilst you shrugged, feeling emptier and more lost than you had ever felt before now that it had begun to feel as if you truly were losing her, this time.

“She’s probably better off without someone like me, anyway,” you mused, before glancing down at the flowers again, “you - you should have seen the look on her face; she hates me-”

“She doesn’t hate you, Y/n,” he contradicted, “she could never hate you; she loves you - she’s just upset, after earlier; she told me what happened - maybe you both should try and talk later; try and fix things before it’s too late for you to.”

You would think about it for a moment, before you nodded slowly, evidently nervous; you were terrified of what she might think of you, now, and were fearful of how she might react to your presence after you’d reacted the way you had to her and Dutch kissing earlier.

“I - I guess I could try,” you decided, and Arthur would nod, glad that you were doing the right thing, “thank you, Arthur.”

“Don’t mention it,” he replied, before making to walk away, “see you around, and keep out of trouble, okay?”

“Sure,” you responded begrudgingly, before you warily looked toward Molly and Dutch’s tent again, and would draw in a shaky breath, before you slowly began to walk toward it, Murphy grazing whilst you did, recovering from the previous ride you’d both recently returned from. Once you got close enough to do so, you would set down the flowers you’d picked for her to the left side of the tent, before you lingered for a moment, a pained expression on your face; you were desperate to see her again; desperate to hear her voice again, and that was when you could hear that they were laughing within the tent, prompting your heart to sink, before you nodded gravely, not sure what else you had been expecting to hear whilst you dragged yourself away, making to return to Murphy, until Karen, Mary-Beth, and Uncle stopped you.

“You ain’t gonna be over there with the horses all night, are you?” Karen began, and you would wince, before hesitantly turning to face her; she was sitting with Mary-Beth and Uncle by a lit campfire; it had been growing to be quite dark for a little while, now, even before you had returned from your unexpected outing.

“I don’t know; it doesn’t sound like a bad idea to me,” you answered, and she would scoff, before getting up, prompting you to tense up whilst she walked up to you, “w-why’re you asking, anyway?”

“Because you look lonely, and I think you could do with a drink,” she answered, “could you?”

You would think about it for a moment, before you warily looked toward both Mary-Beth and Uncle who were also encouraging you to join them, whilst Uncle held up a spare bottle of beer for you.

“I-.. I guess it couldn’t hurt,” you decided, before forcing a smile over at Karen, who would beam victoriously, glad that she’d managed to convince you to join them as Mary-Beth had recently confessed to her that she’d begun to develop feelings for you, prompting her to begin trying to put together a plan to get you both together, somehow, as she was unaware of your and Molly’s secret relationship, or what used to be her and your secret relationship, now that you’d messed everything up with her again.

“Damn right it won’t,” she agreed whilst she led you over to the campfire, “come on; we’ve got a few beers left with each of our names on ‘em, and I got a feeling they ain’t gonna be waiting much longer, especially not with Uncle around.”

|

It didn’t take you too long to get drunker than you should be, after you’d recently made a vow to never drink as much as you used to, and you now wished you’d never allowed the beer, as well as your soft conscience to encourage you to join them the way it had, but you couldn’t take back your choice, now.

“Who wants to play a fun game?” Karen suggested, her voice a little slurred; she was evidently drunk alongside you, and Uncle who was already half asleep.

“I’m up for it,” Mary-Beth chimed, before she timidly looked over at you, “Y/n? W-Would you maybe join us, or-?”

“I don’t know,” you answered, before warily looking around as you could feel that someone was watching you, though you weren’t sure why, and were a little more disorientated than usual, “it’s getting late-”

Karen scoffed, before shaking her head, and taking out another bottle of beer.

“It ain’t late enough,” she contradicted, “come on, Y/n, don’t be a party-pooper, and join us - here, maybe you need one more of these?”

She would then offer you the beer, and you would hesitate, a pained expression on your face whilst you thought back to Molly, prompting your heart to begin aching again, to the point that the pain was excruciating enough for you to shrug, before nodding, and accepting the beer bottle from her; it was the only way to numb yourself right now, though it never seemed to rid you of the pain that you were currently experiencing. Only Molly could rid you of the pain, but you doubted now that she’d ever wanna talk to you again after what you’d said and done earlier, leaving you feeling emptier than you ever had before, so why shouldn’t you have another beer, and hope that maybe it would kill you sooner rather than later? There was no point in you living anymore, now that you’d ruined everything with Molly again.

“Sure, why - why not?” You replied, prompting Karen to cheer, before she took out another bottle for herself, and would begin thinking up some bets she could make that would be entertaining.

“Okay, so,” she began, “I’m gonna make a bet that might surprise you guys, but you have to do it, otherwise I’m gonna have to go around and call you chickens for the rest of the night, and probably for the whole day tomorrow, so - if you value your honour, you’ll do as I say, how does that sound?”

Mary-Beth would appear wary for a moment, before she glanced over at you, wanting to do whatever you were planning on doing.

“It doesn’t sound bad to me at all,” you remarked, “I mean - I have nothing left to lose, anyway, so-..”

“Good,” Karen chimed in response, before she looked over at Mary-Beth who would then smile timidly back at her, “are you up for it too, Mary-Beth? Or are you scared of what little old me might come up with?”

“I’m up for anything, a-as long as Y/n is involved,” she stated, and you would appear surprised, before looking over at her skeptically, and she would then wince, before adding hastily: “I’d rather not participate alone, so-.. y’know. A-Anyway, what’s the bet?”

“Okay, so: I bet you both couldn’t kiss without never wanting to talk to each other again after you do - prove me wrong,” she revealed, and you would tense up, a pained expression on your face, before you bowed your head a little whilst Mary-Beth would appear flustered for a moment, stammering quietly, before she glanced timidly over at you.

“Y-Y/n?” She cooed gently, and you would wince, before glancing up at her after you’d quickly wiped away the tears that had managed to cloud your vision again; this felt wrong, so wrong, and you were terrified of what Molly might think if she saw you and Mary-Beth together, until you reminded yourself of how you’d witnessed earlier her kissing Dutch, prompting your heart to sink, and you to have to try and fight back a grimace. “Are you okay-? L-Look, if you, - if you don’t wanna do it-”

“Don’t try and dissuade her, Mary-Beth, she’s gotta do it - like I said earlier, your reputations are on the line if you don’t do what I say,” Karen reminded you both, and you would force yourself to nod, before you got up, and then crouched down before Mary-Beth whilst you reluctantly lifted your right hand up to her left cheek whilst she would begin to blush faintly, finding she couldn’t breathe for a moment whilst she admired you, and wondered if you could hear her heart pounding overwhelmingly within her chest.

“I - I ain’t scared of anything anymore,” you claimed, though there was still something you were terrified of, and that was the possibility that you might never win Molly back, now that you’d messed things up with her again due to your stupid bouts of jealousy despite you knowing that she was just doing all that she was doing with Dutch to protect you both from being harassed, or even hung; painfully being torn away from each other, somehow, one way or another, just because of your true sexualities, and the homophobic views often shared at the time. “Do you want me to do this, or-?” You inquired, not wanting to kiss her without her permission, and Mary-Beth would find herself stammering a little, her voice barely audible, before she nodded hastily, and you would manage a faint smile, before hesitantly leaning even closer to her, until you could delicately connect your lips to her own, prompting her heart to skip a beat, before she melted into the kiss, and you would have to try and stop yourself from pulling away no matter how wrong it felt to be kissing her the way you were, now, instead of Molly, prompting guilt to flood your already broken heart, but you would try and hide it from them to the best of your ability, worried about what they, especially Mary-Beth, might think if she noticed the crestfallen expression that wanted to cross your face whilst you felt as if you’d betrayed Molly, no matter how small and light the kiss had been.

“T-That was-” Mary-Beth began quietly, before she would falter upon hearing Molly’s voice nearby, and that was when she noticed that Molly was storming up to the campfire, a hurt look on her face, worrying her as she wondered why Molly might be mad at you both for kissing the way you had as she was still unaware of your and her secret relationship, like all the other members of the gang, except Arthur, of course.

“Get away from her, or I swear I’ll-”

“Woah, Molly, take it easy,” Arthur interjected whilst he rushed up to her, and managed to hold her back before she could get any closer to you and Mary-Beth.

“Let me go, Arthur,” she demanded, but he wouldn’t let go, knowing that he had to try and get her to calm down, somehow, before she could lash out at either you or her.

“I think you should get some sleep, Miss O’Shea; it’s been a long day,” he advised, before looking over at you, evidently disappointed to see that you’d let yourself go so easily, allowing yourself to kiss Mary-Beth despite your commitments to Molly, though you didn’t think she’d care like she evidently did, after you’d seen and her Dutch kissing earlier, “and you - you better sleep off the alcohol, before you get into any more trouble, alright?”

He then made to lead Molly back toward her and Dutch’s tent whilst Dutch - already asleep - was unconscious within it; she’d used the drug on him again as she’d been planning on trying to fix things between you both somehow, especially when she’d noticed the flowers that you had left for her, until she had caught you and Mary-Beth kissing, prompting her to begin feeling empty the way you had earlier, whilst it felt as if things had begun to collapse within her excruciatingly; she never thought you’d do something like that to her, and wished now that she’d never begun to trust you so heavily; wished she had never fallen in love with you the way she had, just to find herself in excruciating pain following your kissing Mary-Beth as if she didn’t mean anything to you anymore just because of what had occurred between you both earlier.

“I hate you, Y/n!” She cried shakily, whilst Arthur dragged her back toward her and Dutch’s tent. “I will never forgive you for this, never!” She added, before they both disappeared into the tent, and you began to feel lost again whilst your heart ached excruciatingly alongside her own; she’d never said such things to you before, but you couldn’t blame her - how could you, after you’d allowed yourself to kiss Mary-Beth following your reminding yourself of how you’d had to witness Molly and Dutch kissing a few hours ago, now.

Mary-Beth then began to appear worried all of a sudden; her eyes wide, and glistening a little whilst she looked over at you, not sure what to think, now, following Molly’s suspicious reaction to your and her kiss.

“Y-Y/n, what - what was she talking about? Why would she react like that?” She questioned, and you would frown, before glancing up at her again with a guilty expression on your face, prompting her to falter, before she shook her head, and would then get up off of the ground to storm off back to her shelter; she couldn’t believe she’d never thought about why you and Molly seemed so close, before, and cursed herself for being so oblivious, resulting in her heart beginning to ache the way that it overwhelmingly was as a result of you basically lying to her the way that you had, making her think that maybe she’d have a chance with you, though you were already sneaking around - or had been, now - with Molly.

“Wait a minute - Y/n, are - are you-? Have you and Molly been-?” Karen questioned, evidently surprised as she hadn’t been expecting this from you, and it wasn’t because of your sexuality at all, but more because of how it was something she’d never picked up on before; she had never suspected that you and Molly were any closer than you made out to be, especially due to how Molly had been making out to be smitten with Dutch ever since they’d got together, even before she had brought you to them, and they had welcomed you into the gang.

“Not anymore,” you murmured dejectedly, and she would frown, feeling bad for bringing it up, before she winced, and remembered what Mary-Beth had recently told her, worrying her as she got up off of the ground.

“I - I better check on Mary-Beth,” she mused, and you would nod gravely, before bowing your head a little, “you should have told us before, you know that, right? She loves you; she told me, and you had to go and act like you ain’t already with someone-”

“That’s because I don’t even know what me and Molly are, anymore,” you interjected feebly, “you heard her, Karen, she hates me-”

“Yeah, well, maybe she should - see you around, maybe,” she interrupted, and you would nod gravely, before bowing your head again once she’d walked off, leaving you alone with a now snoring Uncle; she was right, you knew that, now, and hoped that - now Molly seemed to truly not want you anymore - you would stop being a burden on her, but despite you sporting this assumption, you would be surprised to find her - the next night - catching you before you could fall again following her catching you trying to take your life again after you’d drunk more than you should, leaving you feeling empty, and as if you had nothing left within you, not without Molly by your side, driving you to feel as if you should try and end everything again, for the sake of Molly, Murphy, and the others, and you would have done it this time, if you didn’t feel her arms around you when you did.

~-~

The next night, whilst everyone seemed to be busy scolding or praising Arthur for his involvement within the fight that Bill started up in Valentine, you would sneak out again to pick more wild flowers for Molly, though you doubted she’d accept them, this time, but you still wanted to leave them for her as a parting gift before you could try and take your life again. You even tied a note to them, and whilst you had been writing it, you couldn’t help, but allow small tears to leak from your eyes, and it wasn’t long before your shattered heart had begun to ache excruciatingly again.

Once you’d finished tying the flowers and note together, you warily walked up to her and Dutch’s tent, before you laid them down the same place you had last time, trying to ignore the fact that you could hear them both laughing again, but you were glad - at least - that you thought she was happy, before you lingered for a moment, a pained expression on your face; you just wished you could see her again; wished you could pour all that now remained of your heart out to her, but it was too late, now, and you guessed you just had to try and accept that as you began to drag yourself away from the tent whilst tears began to stream down your cheeks endlessly again.

“Hey.” You would falter upon hearing Arthur’s voice, before you winced, and looked back at him whilst you pat Murphy’s neck gently. “Are you off flower-hunting again? It’s probably for the best if you are, seeing as you’ve already had a few drinks recently,” he recommended, and you would frown, before nodding gravely, and pulling yourself up onto Murphy’s saddle.

“Sure, Arthur,” you replied, and he would appear concerned for you, as well as skeptical as he could tell that you were still struggling, and wondered if he should maybe try and stop you from leaving, not trusting you to keep yourself safe in the state that you currently were in.

“Maybe I should come with you, make sure that you’re alright, before you come back wounded, or somethin’-”

“I’m fine out on my own,” you interjected, “but thanks, I appreciate it.”

You then encouraged Murphy to begin trotting away from him before he could further question you, or try and follow you; you couldn’t let your plan fail, this time, wanting to keep both Molly and Murphy happy - something you thought you knew they would be, without you, until she’d found the flowers you’d left her, and had been notified of your leaving by Arthur, panicking her as she hated to think of how you could easily get hurt, or try and hurt yourself whenever you were travelling outside of the camp alone, and as soon as she read the note that you had left with the flowers, it began to grow clear to her what you were planning on doing, and she couldn’t let it happen; she couldn’t lose you again.

🜚

Though Dutch had seemed skeptical at first regarding Molly wanting to go out and find you with Arthur, he knew how close you both were (well, he thought he did), so he begrudgingly decided to let her go with him, not wanting to fight with her regarding the matter, allowing her to rush after him once she’d recovered the flowers and note again away from his prying gaze, but it didn’t take them both too long to realise that they’d need more help, if they wanted to find you before it was too late for them to do so, as you were already halfway across the nearest train-track, not too far from Valentine, walking slowly over it whilst you waited for a train to come, or to reach the middle, determined that today would be the day that your plan finally worked, whether you needed a train to hit you, or not.

It was when you’d finally got half way that someone had shouted out something inaudible, prompting you to falter, before you looked back in the direction you’d just come from to find two familiar figures dismounting an also familiar looking horse, prompting you to curse quietly, before you warily inched closer to the edge of the track, staring down at the water below whilst tears began to cloud your vision again, and your legs began to shake a little beneath you; you were terrified, but you knew that this was something you had to do, so you inched even closer, preparing yourself to jump, until someone had managed to wrap their arms around your waist tightly, prompting you to cry out ‘no’ shakily whilst tears streamed down your cheeks again, and you would struggle against your restricter.

“I’m not letting you do this, Y/n,” Molly mustered up in a strained manner, her voice briefly trembling whilst her eyes glistened alongside your own, and a pained expression would cross her face; she couldn’t believe you’d tried to take your life again like that, after everything you’d both already been through together recently, “I’m not losing you again-”

“Molly-?” You whispered feebly, and she would falter upon hearing your voice, her heart skipping a beat whilst she eased you away from the edge of the train-track. “W-What are you-”

“No,” she interjected sharply, before turning you to face her whilst Arthur rushed up to you both after he’d taken a little longer to get off of his Missouri Fox Trotter than Molly had as he’d been surprised to see her jump off so quickly, as well as a little frustrated due to the way in which she’d not listened to his instruction, detailing that she should stay behind to keep safe, just in case a train decided to make an unexpected appearance. “You don’t get to ask me anything, Y/n - not until you answer my questions, you got that?” She questioned, and you would frown, before nodding hastily; you certainly owed her that much, and more, after all that had happened between you both recently. “Good,” she replied, “because you’ve still got some explaining to do-”

You both would then be interrupted by what sounded like the blaring of a train whistle, prompting you to tense up, before you warily looked toward where the noise had come from to find a fast approaching locomotive a few strides away from you both.

“Get off the tracks!” Arthur yelled, but you felt you couldn’t move for a moment, terrified, prompting Molly to falter, before she looked back at you to find that you weren’t following her, panicking her as she looked over at the train, before looking back at you, her eyes wide and full of her fear during this moment in time; she couldn’t let you get hit by it, and so she rushed back over to you, prompting Arthur to curse, before he made to try and get you both off of the tracks himself.

“Y/n, look at me,” she cooed shakily, whilst affectionately connecting her forehead to your own, prompting your heart to begin racing overwhelmingly whilst your breathing pattern seemed to grow staggered and uneven, as if you were on the verge of having a panic attack, “look at me! We have to move - you said you’d do anything for me in your note, so do this for me, please - I - I need you, I - I love ya, I-”

Reality then seemed to hit you like a ton of bricks, springing you into action as you managed to rush her off of the track, and protectively cover her whilst you both held onto one another tightly, shaking within each other’s arms whilst the train zoomed past you both.

“Damn it!” You both heard Arthur shout, before he managed to jump to the side alongside you both before the train could hit him, following his notice that you both were now no longer on the tracks the way you had been, a brief moment ago.

Once the train had gone, you both would appear to relax after a brief moment of remaining to cling to one another the way that you currently were, foreheads still connected, and fingers still clinging tightly onto each other’s clothing as if you were terrified of what might happen if you let go of one another too soon, after you’d tried to take your life again. As soon as she felt able, she would shove you away from her, prompting you to falter, a pained expression on your face whilst you watched her walking over to Arthur.

“M-Molly, wait, I-”

“Save it for when we get back,” she instructed sharply, and you would hastily shake your head, rushing after her as you wanted to try and fix things between you both after she’d - just through holding you the way she had, and through cooing sweet nothings to you to try and encourage you to move over to the side with her before the train could hit you both - reminded you of all that you still had to live for, though you’d previously thought that maybe - as she seemed to no longer want you, before - you’d already lost such will following you witnessing her and Dutch kissing, and then hearing her claim that she hated you after you had kissed Mary-Beth.

“Mol, wait, please-!” You begged, desperate, before catching her right arm within your right hand, prompting her to then turn to face you, before she freed her arm from your grasp, and would then use her left hand to slap your right cheek, not wanting to slap your left cheek as it was still healing; your scar had already begun to form, except it was still quite red, and your left eyelid was still often having to be heavy - you’d even heard talk that maybe Pearson was gonna craft an eyepatch for you, just to make it more comfortable for you, as it was overwhelming and painful for you to sometimes have the sun hit your left eye, despite it often now seeing things to be blurry, and quite dark, ever since you’d been wounded by one of the wolves that had ambushed you back in the Grizzly Mountains. You would wince, before lifting your left hand up to your right cheek, whilst she tried not to feel bad for what she’d just done, bowing her head a little whilst you cursed yourself again quietly for what you’d done yesterday to cause such a rift between you both. “I-.. I deserved that, I know, I’m so sorry, Molly, I - I love you so much, a-and I swear I - I hated every moment of what happened yesterday-”

“It didn’t look like you hated it,” she contradicted dejectedly, and you would frown, before hastily shaking your head - of course you’d hated it; it had felt so wrong, and whilst it was happening your heart was aching excruciatingly, and you couldn’t stop thinking about her - only her, and that’s why it hurt so much, and felt as wrong as it had - you were meant to be kissing her, you knew that now, even after you’d seen her kissing Dutch the same day.

“M-Molly, please-.. I-.. I can’t live without you, I just can’t, I-..” You admitted feebly, and she would hesitantly glance up at you again, a pained expression on her face whilst she wondered why she’d not tried harder to stop you, before you could gallop off on Murphy after you’d witnessed her and Dutch kiss the way you had yesterday; she doubted this would have ever even happened if she had, as she would have been able to try and remind you of her feelings for you before you could go and assume that you meant nothing to her the way you had.

“Yeah, well, maybe you should have thought about that,” she retorted, and you would fall quiet, a crestfallen expression crossing your face, before you bowed your head partially, and would nod gravely; you guessed that meant she really did not want you anymore, prompting your heart to sink again whilst you began to feel empty all over again, and she would then begin to feel guilty for reacting the way she had; she hated seeing you like this, and couldn’t allow you to go on suffering much longer, especially after you’d tried to take your life for her again, and had gone to the effort of finding more wild flowers for her the way you had earlier, before you had ‘snuck’ off again to try and rid her and Murphy of what you believed to be your burden of an existence. “But,” she began again gently, her expression softening, prompting your heart to skip a beat, before you looked up at her again hastily, your eyes glinting whilst your heart began to race again, pounding overwhelmingly against your ribcage whilst you awaited what she might next be about to tell you, “maybe I could think about forgiving you, if you answer a question for me.”

You didn’t even need to think about your answer to that suggestion, hastily nodding whilst you stammered a little, before blurting out shakily the word ‘anything’.

“M-Mol, I’d - I’d answer anything you asked me,” you added, before timidly inching closer to her, and she would have to try and fight back a soft smile whilst her eyes locked blissfully with your own, “I’d do anything for you; e-everything in my note was true - I love you, Miss O’Shea, and I always will, I promise, n-no matter what; my heart would never stop calling your name, even if you decide after today that you don’t want anything more to do with me, it will always only ever be you that I see whenever I close my eyes.”

She then found she couldn’t hold it back anymore as a strained sob escaped her lips, before she threw her arms around you, and you wouldn’t hesitate to return the embrace whilst you smiled lovingly, and would bury your face into the crook of her neck, sniffling quietly whilst you, too, fought back tears again alongside her; you never thought anyone could ever make you feel this way, before, but here you were - Molly was your Achilles heel, and you knew that if you ever lost her, that would forever be the end of you; you couldn’t live within a world in which she wasn’t by your side, and you knew you’d never even try, if you did, somehow, but you would force the thought from your mind, reminding yourself of how she was here with you, now, and you hoped that that would never change, until she decided she no longer wanted you, like you assumed she would after a little while; you’d never be good enough for her, and knew you could never truly keep her happy, so of course you doubted she’d wanna spend the rest of her life by your side, until she held you at arm’s length, and would blissfully connect her forehead to your’s again.

You both couldn’t help, but lock eyes blissfully for a moment, prompting you to forget how to breathe whilst you admired her, and couldn’t help, but smile shyly over at her whilst you lifted your right hand up to her left cheek timidly, connecting a couple or so of her freckles together subconsciously using your thumb gently, whilst she tilted her head partially, melting into your touch a little whilst she wondered why her heart was racing so fast so soon after she had initiated the embrace.

“You almost getting yourself killed,” she began again, her voice close to a whisper, and you would frown, your heart sinking a little again whilst you nodded gravely to show her that you were listening to her, “was that part of the bet that you mentioned in the note?”

“Of course not,” you answered hastily, not wanting her to think that, “Molly, I-.. I only did it, or tried to, b-because I-.. when you’re not with me, there-.. there’s nothing left for me to live for-”

“You know that’s not true, Y/n,” she contradicted, and you couldn’t help, but smile softly over at her, before you lifted your hand a little to tangle your fingers within her soft hair.

“I know,” you replied, “you tell me that all the time, but - you’re never gonna be able to convince me otherwise, Miss O’Shea, you know that, don’t you?”

“Knowing you,” she mused, “yes, I do know that, sadly, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna give up; I’ll always try and put you back together again, and I’m never going to stop, Miss L/n; I’ll fight for you until the very end, and maybe even after that, I just-.. hope we’ll see each other again, even after-.. after we-.. you know.”

“I hope so, too,” you corroborated, “but - Molly, I - I promise you - no matter what happens, wherever we might end up, and if we aren’t put there together - I will never stop looking for you, ever, because it’s you who I wanna spend eternity with, and I could never want that with anyone else, because you are my soulmate, Miss O’Shea - you always have been, and you always will be, no matter what the future might hold for us, I will always return to you, and you only.”

This only seemed to prompt her to begin to cry quietly again whilst she wrapped her arms around your waist, and would subconsciously play with your hair using her right hand like you briefly had with her’s, before this blissful moment in time.

“I love you so much, Y/n,” she whispered shakily, before she leaned forward to delicately connect her lips to your’s, and you wouldn’t hesitate to melt into the kiss whilst you clung to her as if your life depended on her being here with you, holding you the way she was, now, “just promise me something.”

“Anything,” you replied exasperatedly, “I - I wanna make you happy, Molly.”

“Promise me you - you won’t drink too much of that stuff anymore; I’m scared of what it’ll do to ya,” she admitted, her voice briefly trembling, and you would nod hastily, determined to stop for her, if it meant that you wouldn’t end up losing her again, and meant that you’d never hurt her again the way you could tell you had recently, something you still hadn’t forgiven yourself for, and knew you never would; never could, as all you wanted to do was shower her with your love, and make her happy to the best of your ability despite your fears regarding your worthiness of someone perfect, like her, “I can’t lose ya, Y/n, I - I just can’t, I-”

You would shake your head hastily again, before you leaned forward again to gently connect your lips to her own, silencing her, and leaving her with a dazed expression on her face whilst she smiled softly against your lips, and wondered if you could tell that she had so easily begun to blush as a result of your gentle touches, and soft kisses.

“You’re never gonna lose me, Mol; I’m gonna try and stop drinking for you, I promise, b-because I value my love for you and Murphy more than I could ever value anything else,” you reassured her, and she would then appear puzzled, realising she’d not seen Murphy yet, on her and Arthur’s way here, worrying her as she knew it would hurt you to lose Murphy, especially now that you’d come to your senses again following your being blissfully reunited with Molly. You would then appear concerned, wondering why her demeanour had changed so suddenly, worrying you as you wondered if something you had said had upset her, when you could not be more wrong. “Molly-? What - What’s wrong? Did - Did I say something-? I’m so sorry, I - I didn’t mean to upset you - what did I do? Tell me what I did, and I promise I’ll try and fix it, I swear; I love you-”

“No, Y/n, it - it’s not you, I just realised something,” she reassured you hastily, not wanting you to think that you’d done something to upset her; she didn’t want you to panic over possibly losing her again like you had thought you had, before she’d saved you a few moments ago, and confessed to still being in love with you despite all that had happened between you both recently, “it’s Murphy - where is she?”

|

You all then regrouped, and met up with Charles who they had recruited to help them find you, with you riding on the back of Charles’ horse, and Molly riding on the back of Arthur’s, but despite your searching, you ended up having to return to camp with no Murphy, and a newfound heavy heart; you couldn’t believe you’d messed up so badly, letting her run off the way you could tell she must have, considering she was no longer where you had left her, before.

“We’re gonna find her, Y/n,” Arthur stated, after Molly had helped you off of his horse, but you found you couldn’t even respond to him, scoffing, before you dragged yourself away from him, and Molly would smile apologetically back at him, before she rushed off after you, worried about you.

“Y/n, wait-”

“I - I’m fine, okay?” You interjected feebly, and she would falter, a pained expression on her face, before she nodded gravely.

“I know, I just - I was wondering if maybe you’d want me to stay with ya, tonight - I’m sure Dutch wouldn’t mind, i-if I tell him about - you know - what happened today?” She suggested, and you would appear surprised; you didn’t think she’d want to stay with you under the shelter you often slept within, and of course you couldn’t say ‘no’, managing a feeble smile, before you nodded timidly, and would shyly then avert your gaze whilst blood began to rush to your cheeks; she always knew how to make you feel okay again, as if you’d not previously been in pain, before, though you’d never stop blaming yourself for Murphy’s disappearance; you couldn’t, as you’d been the one to leave her where she was, being in the drunk state that you had previously been in at the time.

“I don’t deserve you, Molly,” you mused, and she would frown, a pained expression on her face, before she wrapped her arms around you, and would try and provide comfort to you by rubbing your back using her right hand, and you wouldn’t hesitate to melt into her embrace whilst you clung to her, and couldn’t hold it back anymore as you began to cry quietly again, strained sobs escaping your lips, sounding out muffled against her neck, prompting her heart to ache excruciatingly, before she delicately kissed your forehead, prompting your heart to skip a beat, before you lifted your right hand up to the back of her head to tangle your fingers within her hair again.

“What are you talking about? You more than deserve me, Miss L/n,” she contradicted gently, and you would try not to protest, knowing that by doing so you would upset her, so instead you stayed quiet for a moment whilst you tried to recompose yourself, knowing you should try and stay strong for her, somehow, “come - I’m gonna talk to Dutch, and then we’ll go and cuddle up together, alright?”

“Mol, w-wait,” you strained out, and she would fall quiet, before turning to face you again, and nodding whilst she smiled encouragingly over at you to show you that she was listening to you, “you - you know I love you, right?”

“Of course I do,” she reassured you, before intertwining the fingers of her left hand blissfully with the fingers of your right hand, prompting you to smile lovingly over at her whilst you revelled in how it felt to have your fingers intertwined with her own again, “why?”

“I - I don’t know, I just - I guess I just wanted to make sure that you knew,” you explained, “y-you do so much for me, a-and I want you to - to always know that - that I appreciate everything that you do for me, a-and always will, no matter what, I promise; you’re everything to me, Molly O’Shea.”

She then couldn’t help, but smile warmly over at you whilst her eyes began to glint again in the best way possible, before she held your free hand within her’s, and would blissfully lock eyes with you, prompting you to forget how to breathe so easily whilst you both admired one another for a moment, amazed by each other, and how you seemed to have done something to be worthy of one another despite the fact that you often doubted your aforementioned worthiness to receive love from someone as perfect as you both saw each other, and had always; would always see each other to be, no matter what the future might have in store for you.

“I’m glad,” she replied, “because you are everything to me, too, Miss L/n - now, what do you say? Do ya wanna cuddle up with me under the shelter, or go somewhere a little more private?”

|

That same night, you found yourself having a nightmare about her, before you woke up crying quietly within her arms, and clinging to her whilst you buried your face into the crook of her neck, until you began to feel guilty, knowing that you might wake her up soon if you stayed there with her in a state like this, prompting you to carefully remove yourself from her embrace, before you got up off of the ground, and would drag yourself hastily toward one of the boxes of beer; you needed something to try and stabilise yourself, wanting to hide your pain from her to the best of your ability, and that’s why you managed to drink a full bottle of beer, before Molly had begun to stir.

🜸

As soon as she had begun to wake up with a now empty space beside her, Sadie still lying down a couple or so paces away as you had been sharing the shelter with her recently; you’d given up the tent that Molly had got Dutch to arrange for you back in Blackwater, knowing it would be unfair for you to go on using it whilst the others - excluding John and of course Molly, and Dutch - were using shelters like the one you had previously been under, she would yawn, and stretch, before using her right hand to feel if you were still there beside her.

Once she had felt that you were gone from her side, she would begin to panic, hastily sitting up whilst she looked around, before getting up whilst she tried to recompose herself; the pounding of her heart, and staggered breathing pattern, leaving her feeling disorientated whilst she felt lost and empty with every passing moment she found you no longer within her arms.

“A-Are you looking for Y/n?” Mary-Beth asked, and Molly would falter upon hearing her voice, before she looked over in her direction; she was stood a couple or so paces away from her, and must have been awake for a while as she looked exhausted, as if she had been having no luck sleeping under the shelter that she had been within, next to the one you and Molly had been previously sleeping in, before you’d woken up from the nightmare, and had quietly rushed off to get yourself an alcoholic beverage.

“W-Why? Did you see where she went?” She inquired, her eyes then widening a little whilst she appeared hopeful, and tried to stop her voice from trembling the way it briefly had, and Mary-Beth would then nod hastily, before smiling reassuringly over at her.

“She went that way,” she answered, before gesticulating in the direction that she’d seen you go in using her left hand, and Molly would muster up an exasperated ‘thank you’, before she made to rush off after you, until Mary-Beth spoke up again. “Molly, wait,” she began once more feebly, as well as timidly, and Molly would then falter, before she half-turned to face her again, appearing nervous about what Mary-Beth might be about to tell her, or ask her, after you and she had recently kissed to save your honours following Karen’s bet for you to do so, and remain to be able to talk to each other after you had done so. “I’m-.. I’m sorry,” she expressed, and Molly would frown, before nodding gravely whilst she bowed her head a little in response to her, “the kiss meant nothing, I swear, it was just-”

“A bet,” Molly finished for her, and Mary-Beth would appear surprised; she didn’t realise that you’d already told her about the bet, before she nodded again, and smiled reassuringly over at her, “I know it was, now, but - I appreciate it, Miss Gaskill - thank you.”

“N-No problem,” Mary-Beth returned, “so - we’re still friends, aren’t we? Y-You wouldn’t mind if we were?”

“Of course I don’t mind,” she reassured her, and Mary-Beth would express relief, before she beamed over at Molly, glad that she hadn’t lost you both, though it still pained her to be reminded that she could never have with you what you shared with Molly, “I was overreacting, anyway, I - I see that now; I should have given you and Y/n time to explain, and I’m - I’m sorry - really, I am.”

“No, it - it’s okay,” Mary-Beth hastily reassured, “I’m just - glad we’re back to normal, now - a-anyway, I - I’ll let you get on; I can see you’re worried about Y/n, a-and I don’t wanna hold you up - see you around?”

“Sure - See you tomorrow; I’ll go and see what Y/n’s got herself into, now,” Molly returned, before she managed a faint smile back at Mary-Beth, and would then continue in the direction she had been previously guided toward, desperate to find you, and make sure that you were okay, especially after Murphy’s disappearance, and your trying to take your life again, only stopping once she had noticed you sunk heavily against the alcohol box you’d recently taken a spare bottle of beer out of. The sight of you in the state that you were currently in would prompt her so easily to falter, a pained expression on her face whilst her heart began to ache excruciatingly again; she couldn’t believe you’d already broken your promise regarding you not drinking as much anymore, and though it pained her to think that maybe she didn’t mean enough to you to get you to stop, she couldn’t leave you like this, hastily rushing up to you, before she crouched down in front of you, and subconsciously examined you to make sure that you were okay. “Y-Y/n-?” She strained out, her voice briefly trembling whilst she held you at arm’s length. “Say something, Y/n, please,” she begged, “I - I need to know that you’re okay, just - just say something for me-”

“I - I thought-..” You mustered up in a voice close to a shaky whisper, and she would frown, before trying to provide comfort and encouragement to you by cradling your trembling body close to her own, and you wouldn’t hesitate to cling to her whilst you affectionately connected your forehead to her own, and would revel in being within her arms again whilst you admired her blissfully for a moment, before you managed to recompose yourself, and continue. “I thought I lost you, Miss O’Shea,” you managed, and she would appear taken aback, wondering why you’d think something like that, until she guessed that maybe you’d had a nightmare, prompting her heart to sink, and she to feel a little guilty upon realising that that must be the reason why you’d had another beer, as if you believed it would help you deal with the pain, somehow.

“Why would you think something like that? Did ya have another nightmare?” She questioned gently whilst she stroked your hair using her right hand, and you would frown, before nodding gravely whilst you bowed your head a little. “Do ya wanna talk about it, or-?” She inquired, and you would wince, before hastily shaking your head; you didn’t want to have to relive the events of it; didn’t want to have to recall how you’d seen her get shot down, before you ran up to her, and desperately tried to wake her up, only to excruciatingly receive no response from her.

“I’m scared, Molly,” you admitted shakily, and she would frown, before nodding gravely whilst she lifted her left hand up to your right cheek, prompting your heart to skip a beat whilst you melted into her touch, and began to feel warm and fuzzy all of a sudden, as if you’d not been in pain before.

“There’s nothing for you to be scared of, I promise,” she cooed, “you’re safe, Y/n; we both are, as long as we stay here together with the others-”

“No,” you whined, and she would fall quiet, surprised by your reaction, “Molly, I - we can’t stay here-”

“Why not? Y/n, this is where we belong, now,” she reminded you, “and the law can’t get to us as long as we stick together; a-as long as we follow Dutch, no matter how much it hurts us both to have to live the way that we are.”

“T-That’s not the point, Mol,” you contradicted exasperatedly, desperate to try and get her to return to Old Trail Rise with you after the nightmare you’d experienced a brief moment ago, “if we stay here, we’re only gonna lose each other again; someone’s gonna separate us, a-and I don’t know how, but - but I can feel it; we have to go back; Molly, if - if I lose you-”

“You aren’t gonna lose me, Y/n,” she insisted, “look, you’re - you’re tired, and it’s probably the alcohol talking through ya, at this point; you need to sleep this off-”

“But-”

“Come on - let’s get ya back to bed, shall we?” She continued, before she carefully helped you off of the ground, but before she could, you would manage to step back before she could guide you back toward the shelter, prompting her to falter, before she glanced back at you, a pained expression on her face whilst she wondered why you were so certain that something bad like that would happen after you’d already recently got drunk, and now had already had another beer after you’d awoken from the nightmare you’d had to endure not too long ago, now.

“Molly, please, you - you have to listen to me; I can’t lose you-”

“I don’t have to listen to you,” she interjected, “especially not when you’re like this; you promised me that you’d stop drinking, Y/n, o-or that you’d only stick to one or two drinks, and I wouldn’t mind if the empty bottle down there was the only one you had today, but it wasn’t, was it? You had more earlier, too, didn’t ya?”

You would then falter, realising, a pained expression on your face whilst you subconsciously shook your head; you couldn’t believe you’d already messed up again, prompting your heart to sink, and grow heavy whilst you bowed your head slightly, wondering why she was still here with you; why she’d not rejected you earlier like you believed now - especially - she should have, instead of continuing to waste her time on you, and being burdened by you like you could tell that she was, though she’d never dare admit it, or even think as much as she knew it would hurt you, as well as herself, to ever think something like that about you, also finding herself worrying occasionally that maybe she was a burden on you, sometimes, though you could also never think something like that about her, either; she would forever remain to be perfect in your eyes, like how she knew that you would always be perfect within her own, no matter what the future might have in store for you both.

“Mol, I-.. I’m so-”

“It’s fine, Y/n,” she claimed, whilst you grimaced, and shook your head faintly; it wasn’t fine, you knew that, and you’d never stop hating and cursing yourself for being the way that you were, especially whenever you ended up hurting the way you could tell you had recently as a result of your jealousies and anxieties which you believed to be nothing, but petty, whenever you experienced them, “I value your happiness over mine, anyway, so it’s a good thing I at least kept, and am still keeping all my promises, right?”

“I - I’ll be better for you, I swear, I - I love you, Molly, I - I can change for you,” you expressed, certain that you could, and she would appear surprised, evidently not expecting you to be so willing to try and change for her, “p-please just - just stay with me, and I swear I’ll - I’ll make things right again, b-because I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you; I need you, Miss O’Shea, m-more than I could ever need, or desire anything else, just please don’t-..” Your voice would then fail you as a strained sob managed to escape your lips, prompting Molly’s heart to sink whilst she timidly inched closer to you, her expression softening, and eyes glinting a little upon hearing you pour your heart out to her the way you just had to the best of your ability. “Don’t give up on me yet,” you managed, your voice trembling briefly whilst your now glistening eyes blissfully locked with her’s in the best way possible, “h-hold onto me, and tell me you love me, only if I’m still what you want, b-but - i-if you don’t want me anymore-”

Molly then found she couldn’t hold herself back anymore as she wrapped her arms around your waist, before she delicately connected her lips to your’s, silencing you instantly whilst you melted into the kiss, and couldn’t help, but smile against her lips blissfully; nothing had ever felt so perfect before, and you still couldn’t believe how every kiss you both shared seemed to always be just as perfect, or even more perfect and magical than the first you’d both ever administered to one another.

“I’ll always want you, Miss L/n,” she cooed gently, her voice close to a whisper, whilst she affectionately connected her forehead to your own, and would lift her left hand up to your right cheek, prompting you to smile lovingly over at her whilst you melted into her touch again, feeling warm and fuzzy, and as if you might soon begin to blush profusely if you both stayed like this for much longer, though the likely possibility of the moment ending soon prompted your heart to sink whenever you were reminded of how you both would never be able to stay like this no matter how much you longed to, “and nothing could ever change the way I feel for you, n-not even the world somehow ending could stop me from loving ya, but - Y/n, I - I don’t want you to change the way that you are, I just-.. I’m worried about ya; if you keep on drinking the way that you are, now-”

“I - I know, Mol,” you admitted apologetically, “but - I’m gonna try harder, this time, I swear, I - it’s just-..”

She would then smile sadly back at you, before she nodded gravely, and would lean forward to delicately press a kiss to your forehead, whilst you couldn’t help, but wonder, again, what it was that you had done to deserve someone as perfect, caring, and understanding as her.

“I know it’s hard, Y/n,” she corroborated, “but - I don’t want you to feel as if you have to rush yourself into anything, s-so don’t worry about ever losing me, b-because I’m gonna wait for ya; I’ll always wait for ya, because I love ya, a-and it could only ever be you for me, a-and even if we do somehow get separated somehow - which we won’t - I’ll never stop waiting for ya, no matter what.”

You would then smile softly over at her, before you delicately connected your lips to her own whilst you both held one another close, and would melt into each other’s embraces once more.

“I love you so much,” you whispered a little shakily whilst you tried to fight back the tears that were clouding your vision, and she would couldn’t help, but smile warmly over at you, before she used the thumb of her right hand to delicately brush away the small tears that had already managed to escape your eyes.

“I love you, too, my beloved Y/n L/n,” she returned gently to fluster you, prompting your heart to skip a beat again whilst it raced overwhelmingly in the best way possible alongside her own, “now - d’you think you could try and get some more sleep for me, or w-would you maybe be up to doing something else?”

You would raise your eyebrows a little, before smirking, and tilting your head partially whilst you wondered what else she might have in mind.

“That depends,” you answered, “what do you feel like doing?”

It was then Molly’s turn to appear flustered as she tried to recompose herself; she could tell that you already knew what she might wanna do with you due to you both finding it harder to sneak around together recently, the way you could a little easier back in the gang’s old camp up in the Grizzly Mountains, Colter. You would grin over at her upon noticing that she’d already begun to blush a little faintly, despite her trying to hide it by looking anywhere, but directly at you for a moment, until she felt able to answer your question without stammering.

“I’m up for anything, as long as it’s with you,” she admitted, and that was all the convincing you needed to make up your mind.

“I’m glad,” you remarked suggestively, before intertwining blissfully the fingers of your right hand with the fingers of her left one, “b-because I’m up for anything as long as I get to do it with you, too, s-so - would - would you maybe like to - like to go on a little walk with me down to our spot on the other side of the river?”

She would then beam back at you, before nodding timidly whilst she eagerly anticipated what you both might do together, before the sun could come back up, and temporarily separate you both again.

“I think I’d like that,” she answered, and you would appear elated, as well as relieved as you had been worried that maybe she would reject your suggestion, before you leaned forward to gently kiss her left cheek, flustering her even more whilst you began to walk slowly with her toward the secret way in which you both often used to sneak out of the camp unnoticed by those who sometimes guarded the outside of it from lawmen, or any potential other gangs (specifically the O’Driscolls), until you both then could blissfully race each other down to the river, before Molly managed to catch you, and then playfully lower you down onto the ground so she could pin you down beneath her, allowing her to tease you at first by tickling you though she’d made it seem as if she had been going to do something else, before she began to passionately, as well as still gently kiss you a brief moment after you’d both blissfully locked eyes following your surrendering to her tickling, and giving up of your win of the race you’d both made up on the way down here, deeming this moment to be the beginning of your and her next secret heated session, until the sun had sadly begun to rise whilst you both had been cuddling up together following your and her bouts of fooling around until you were both tired, and sore, but you were determined to keep trying to meet up like this somehow, no matter what tomorrow might have in store for you.

🜸🜚🜸

As usual, whilst Arthur, Bill, and Kieran were out hunting Colm O’Driscoll - assuming he was at Six Point Cabin up in Cumberland Forest - Dutch was still in camp, meaning you and Molly had to wait until later to meet up again, knowing that you’d only create more suspicion if you hung around one another for too long; you both found it too hard to not kiss each other, and that was particularly dangerous, if you wanted to keep one another safe from being possibly harassed by the other members of the gang who hadn’t already put two-and-two together regarding your and her relationship, or maybe even hung if one of them went so far as to turn you into the law due to your (widely opposed at the time) sexualities.

So far, you were managing to avoid the tempting box of beers as well as whiskey, wanting to stay true to the promise you’d made Molly to the best of your ability, for fear of upsetting her, and losing her again, if you lost control of yourself, and messed everything up like you had been recently, until yesterday’s blissful as well as fateful events. However, seeing the hitching post that Murphy usually was tied to unoccupied only made things harder for you to bear, prompting you to wish that you could seek comfort from Molly, knowing that she would be able to temporarily rid you of the pain caused by your animal companion’s absence, until Arthur and Charles hopefully managed to find her eventually, somehow.

Your heart then sank a little; it wasn’t guaranteed that you’d get Murphy back, so you’d have to replace the word ‘until’ with an ‘if’, only leaving you feeling even emptier, and more lost than you had ever felt before whilst you were heavily leaning against the post, and trying to ease the painful sensation with thoughts of Molly, and your and her secret session last night, prompting your heart to skip a beat, and you to smile softly subconsciously - how would you ever get by without her?

“Rough night, huh?” You would falter, and tense up, upon hearing Mary-Beth’s voice, prompting you to wince, before you awkwardly smiled up at her thinly.

“How’d you know?” You inquired, and she would raise her eyebrows, before gesticulating to your slightly messier than usual hair, prompting you to appear embarrassed, before you tried to make it appear neater than it previously was.

“Thought you’d wanna know,” she remarked, and you would nod, before mustering up your thanks, and awkwardly shuffling on the spot whilst you warily looked around, and would express relief following your notice that Molly wasn’t watching; she was most likely either inside the tent, or around the back of it, “so - y-you and Molly-..”

She began again timidly, prompting you to nod again whilst you lit a cigarette, and would lean against the hitching post again, wondering why you could feel Murphy nuzzling at the back of your head, and right shoulder though she wasn’t there behind you, anymore.

“Y-Yeah,” you corroborated, “me and Molly.”

Mary-Beth would then avert her gaze for a moment whilst she found herself having to try and fight back a sad smile, taking a brief moment to recompose herself, before she glanced back at you when she felt able to do so.

“How long have you both been together? O-Or - I don’t know - been seeing each other?” She inquired, and you would think about it for a moment; it had been at least a few years, now, surely, which still surprised you sometimes as you often found yourself believing that you and Molly had already known each other for an entire blissful lifetime.

“A - A few years, I guess,” you answered, “w-why?”

“Sorry, I-.. I was just curious,” she explained, and you would realise, before nodding to show that you understood whilst you took another drag of your cigarette, avoiding eye contact with her to the best of your ability. Mary-Beth would then sigh heavily, before she timidly stepped closer to you, prompting you to tense up again, before you looked toward Dutch and Molly’s tent, but luckily she still wasn’t there watching you both; you couldn’t risk hurting her again, as you knew you’d never be able to forgive yourself if you upset her like you had with Mary-Beth last time, as well as knew that you’d never be able to get by without her if you lost her again due to her suspecting there being anything more going on between you and her, when an assumption like that could not be more wrong than it already was. “Please tell me it ain’t gonna be like this between us all the time, now,” she requested, and you would frown, evidently beginning to feel guilty for the way in which you had been acting with her following your and her having to kiss due to Karen’s bet ordering you both to do so, “I - I can’t lose you as a friend, Y/n, you-..” She would then draw in a barely audible shaky breath, before she stepped back again, and would shake her head gravely; she doubted things would ever go back to the way that they were, now, no matter how much she wished they could, missing all the conversations you both used to have back in Blackwater, as well as in the Grizzly Mountains. “Forget it - I-.. I’ll see you around; h-have a nice rest of the day,” she concluded, before making to walk away, but you would hastily shake your head, before you spoke up, and would timidly step closer to her, not wanting her to leave thinking that things would never go back to the way that they were before, between you both.

“Mary-Beth, wait,” you mustered, and she would then appear surprised, before looking back at you, and smiling shyly over at you whilst she nodded to show you that she was listening to you, “l-look, I-.. I’m sorry, for-.. for what happened yesterday, I-.. I should have told you about me and Molly, I know, but-”

“No, Y/n, it - it’s okay,” she reassured hastily, not wanting you to feel as if you had to apologise to her for the previous day’s occurrences, though you’d never stop blaming yourself for it, knowing you could have stopped it from happening by refusing to partake within Karen’s game, “I should be apologising to you-”

“That’s not true,” you contradicted, “I could have stopped it from happening, b-but I didn’t-”

“Y/n-”

“You’re never gonna convince me otherwise, Mary-Beth, so maybe you should give up,” you advised, and she would fall quiet, prompting you to feel guilty again; you’d not intended to snap at her like that, “I-.. I’m so sorry, I - I didn’t mean to - to snap at you like that, I swear, I just-”

“No - Don’t apologise, it’s okay,” she interjected gently, “Y/n, you - you have the right to snap at me, or anyone else, I mean; I’d be upset if my horse went missing, too, and you have to see Molly and Dutch together all the time, I mean-.. You’re taking on a lot right now, so if you ever wanna talk about anything-..” She would then gently as well as comfortingly lift her right hand up to your left shoulder, prompting you to tense up again, before you faltered upon noticing that Molly was now stood in front of the tent, Dutch talking to her about god knows what, and she was looking directly at you both, until she noticed you looking at her, prompting her to hastily look away, before she forced a smile over at Dutch as if she had been listening to him the whole time, instead of looking over at you. “You know where I am,” she concluded, before she removed her hand from your shoulder, smiled warmly over at you, and then waved after you’d absentmindedly replied ‘thank you’ in response to her, prompting her to then push herself to walk away from you though she had been enjoying your company.

You would then sigh heavily, before you leaned against the hitching post again, and would then take one more drag of your cigarette, before you stamped it out, and began to wait for an opportunity to talk to Molly, wanting to make sure that she was okay, after you’d noticed her watching you and Mary-Beth talking, and as soon as one was presented to you, when she actually made a move herself, passing by you, and gesticulating for you to join her, of course you had to follow her, and you were - as always - immensely glad that you did, after you so willingly had.

🜚

As soon as you noticed her waiting for you by one of the trees surrounding you both, you would meander around them to sneak up on her, before you quietly approached her once you had successfully got behind her without being noticed by her, wrapping your arms around her waist once you’d got close enough, prompting her to jump, before she subconsciously melted into your embrace following her feeling you delicately pressing your lips blissfully to the right side of her neck; she’d recognise the feel and shape of your lips anywhere.

“I was worried you wouldn’t come,” she admitted timidly, and you would frown, before glancing up at her whilst she rested her head upon your left shoulder in the best way possible, allowing you to rest your chin upon the top of her head whilst a soft smile began to play on your lips again, “I just-.. wanted to check on ya, I guess; I miss ya, Y/n.”

“I miss you, too,” you returned, “I-.. I always miss you, Molly, but I know that’s not the only reason why you wanted to see me.”

She would then tense up in response to your assumption, a pained expression on her face, before she bowed her head a little to try and hide her face from you, not wanting you to see that you were right; that she had been made a little jealous by seeing you and Mary-Beth talking the way you were, whilst she had been talking to Dutch, and felt as if she then couldn’t approach you and check up on you for fear of someone trying to hurt you both if they suspected either of you of being homosexuals, and had disagreeable views that led to them harassing you, or turning you into the law to be hung, the way that you could be if you both weren’t careful.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she contradicted, and wondered if she should move away from you, but she found she couldn’t, feeling much too comfortable, warm, and safe within your embrace to move.

“I saw you, Mol,” you began a little playfully, “whilst me and Mary-Beth were talking; you were watching-”

Molly would scoff, as if she was still trying to deny it, whilst you grinned over at her, and would raise your eyebrows a little, evidently amused, as well as flattered as you never thought someone could be made jealous by you talking to one of your other friends.

“You’re crazy if you really think I was watching ya - why would I be bothered by you and Miss Gaskill talking, anyway? She’s - She’s just a friend,” she reminded herself subconsciously, and you would nod in agreement with her, before you affectionately connected your forehead to her own whilst you smiled lovingly over at her, and would lift your right hand up to her left cheek, prompting her to melt into your touch whilst you both locked eyes blissfully for a moment, until you spoke up to tease her about it again, finding her reactions adorable, prompting you to want to fluster her even more somehow, until you knew you should stop.

“It’s killing you, isn’t it? Seeing us still talking?” You remarked, whilst your eyes glinted mischievously, prompting her to grunt, before she pushed herself to escape from your embrace, prompting your heart to sink a little in response to her action, and your loss of physical contact with her.

“I don’t know why you’d think so,” she uttered, “o-or why you might even care if it was ‘killing’ me-”

You would appear perplexed by her response after you’d dropped your teasing her, before you timidly inched closer to her whilst she was now turned away from you again, her head bowed a little, prompting you to feel guilty for your earlier behaviour with her; you’d not intended to upset her - of course you hadn’t; you’d just wanted to try and fluster her again, and make her smile her usual magical and adorable smiles that you often saw before, and valued more than you could ever value the stars in the sky; everything about her seemed to shine brighter than they ever could, anyway, prompting your heart to skip a beat whilst blood seemed to begin to rush to your cheeks. Shit - you’d not intended to fluster yourself so easily just by thinking about her, and all the moments she’d ever smiled over at you the way she often did blissfully.

“What are you talking about? Of course I’d care, Molly,” you expressed once you’d managed to recompose yourself, prompting her to hesitantly glance back at you, her eyes glinting a little once they’d locked with your’s again in the best way possible, only making your heart begin to pound more overwhelmingly than it had been, before, “I love you, and I don’t want you to feel as if there’s anything you have to get jealous about, o-or worry about, because it could only ever be you for me - you’re my soulmate, and I knew that the very day my gaze was blessed enough to be greeted by your presence.” Molly wanted to admit to the same feeling regarding you, but she found she couldn’t, the words stuck in her throat whilst tears began to cloud her vision again, and a lump began to form within her throat alongside the trapped words she wished she could share, whilst her face began to heat up a little the way it tended to whenever she found herself on the verge of breaking down during moments like these that she shared with you, and hoped to only ever share with you, and never anyone else, no matter what the future might have in store for you both. “Miss O’Shea,” you began again a little exasperatedly, your voice close to a whisper, before you held both of her hands in your’s, whilst she tried to fight back her tears to the best of her ability, “you know you can trust me, right? T-That - no matter what the universe tries to do to separate us, you will never lose me?”

She would then appear crestfallen, before bowing her head a little again after she’d hastily averted her gaze once her tears had been shocked out of her eyes following her realisation that nothing was stopping her from possibly losing you, somehow, though she had used to believe that maybe you both would always be safe together when you were both younger, and secretly smitten with each other at the time, though neither of you had ever thought that maybe the ties between you was the love that seemed to hold you both together, until your feelings for one another grew stronger as you matured more alongside each other.

“H-How can you be so sure that we’ll always be together? Y/n, we-.. we aren’t even allowed to be anything more than friends-”

“I’m sure because I will always fight for you, Molly,” you explained, your voice briefly trembling a little whilst you did, prompting her expression to soften, before she looked up at you again, and allowed her gaze to lock with your’s, “always; I love you, and I need by you by my side, you - you’re everything to me, and I could only ever want to spend my life tending to you; your needs, always, over mine, because I can’t lose you, Mol, I just can’t-!” To provide comfort to you to, as she could see that you needed it, she would soothe you by holding both of your hands in her’s, before she affectionately connected her forehead to your own whilst small tears continuously seemed to roll down her cheeks. “I love you, Miss O’Shea,” you repeated in a voice close to a shaky whisper whilst you, too, were verging on breaking down alongside her, “and that’s why I know that - as long as I’m with you - there will never be anything left in the world to part us, until you decide that - like you should - you deserve better than me, because you do-”

“No, Y/n, I don’t,” she contradicted, wishing you’d stop putting yourself down like that as she hated to see you upset like she could tell that you were, lifting her left hand up to your right cheek to brush away one of the tears that had managed to escape your eyes, “no one could ever be better for me, than you; I could never love anyone else as much as I love ya - you know that, don’t ya? I need you here with me, and only you, to make me happy, and because you’re set on only entertaining my needs, I’m gonna make sure I’m forever only set on your’s - race me down to the riverbank? Dutch won’t find out, I promise.”

You forgot how hard it was to fight back a smirk whilst you pretended to think about it for a moment, prompting her to pout whilst you giggled softly, and wrapped blissfully your arms around her waist whilst you couldn’t help, but wonder again, what exactly it was that you had done to deserve someone so perfect, compared to the nothing you had always, and would always view yourself to be.

“I don’t know,” you claimed playfully whilst you grinned sheepishly over at her, prompting her to raise her eyebrows whilst a mischievous glint seemed to form within the most beautiful eyes you had ever been so blessed to meet, and occasionally wake up to, “I’m tired of running - maybe you’ll have to carry me, then, if you want to play around with me again?”

Molly then couldn’t help, but grin whilst she shrugged, before making to pick you up, prompting you to squeak, and giggle uncontrollably again whilst you clung to her shoulders blissfully, and revelled within the moment, being so close to her again like you were, now, in the best way possible.

“Carrying you down there it is,” she remarked, and you would then timidly lean up closer to her to delicately connect your lips to her’s, prompting her heart to skip a beat, before she subconsciously began to smile against your lips, begrudgingly ending the kiss before it could grow to be too heated for you both to make it down to the riverbank, like you usually did, knowing that you had lesser chance of being caught down there than anywhere closer, or further away from the camp. “Miss L/n,” she began again playfully, prompting you to smirk up at her again whilst your eyes glinted alongside her own, “you’re desperate, today; do you think you’ll be able to make it down to the riverbank, or not?”

“As much as I’d love to stay and fool around with you here,” you began sadly, “I think we’d be better off by the water, so I’ll try my best to behave for you, but I can’t make any promises to not lose control of myself along the way.”

“Good,” she replied suggestively, “I’m glad, because I can’t make you any promises to not lose control of myself either.”

You then affectionately connected your forehead to her own again, whilst you tried to fight back the urge you were experiencing to passionately kiss her, your lips dangerously close to her own whilst you both admired one another like you couldn’t help, but always do whenever you were close to one another like you were, now.

“Then maybe we shouldn’t hold back so soon,” you decided, whilst trying to convince yourself that you both would be hidden well enough on the ground; that you were far away enough from the camp perhaps already though not as far as you usually were, by the riverbank, “m-maybe we’ll just lose, anyway, on the way down, in a more - open space.”

Molly would hesitate, evidently nervous whilst she thought about your suggestion for a moment, before she grinned over at you sheepishly.

“You’re right; maybe we should stay here,” she agreed, and you would express relief, appearing elated, before a dazed expression crossed your face whilst she teased you by brushing her lips against your own, “you’re full of nothing, but good ideas - aren’t ya, Miss L/n?”

“Yeah, well, you’re full of the best ones,” you returned, your voice close to a whisper whilst it trembled briefly following Molly’s lowering you back down, before she gently pinned you slightly to the tree behind you, “you’ve always been full of the best ideas, Molly O’Shea.” She then smirked over at you, flattered, before she slowly lowered your trousers and pants, and would then lower herself before you, before the fun began, and ended again with the setting of the sun, when you both knew that you had to return to the camp, no matter how much you longed to remain alone together, until you both could see one another again the following day, still hopeful that maybe one day would bring you both the freedom together that you felt you deserved, but there were still times that you excruciatingly doubted that things would ever get better for you both, no matter how blissful they seemed to be during moments like these.

~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed it! ❤️

[the-bjd-community-confess]

TW: Abusive friendships, mental health, emergency services, divorce, crime, substances

Toxic bjd friend anon update.

About 24 hours after my confession, I got fed up and picked a fight. She took the carefully crafted bait and ended up disowning me. Which was great, because idk what I would have done if she hadn't. I'm free! She still thinks it's her idea that she's out of my life, so she's left me alone. Turns out I have screenshots of her admitting to a felony. And a misdemeanor. Sadly the really good felony confession was an in person only event and the government already decided not to deal with that circus. (Felony under civilian law where we live, but military caught her. Victim didn't press charges and she claimed someone else did it.) If she tries to blackmail me, I can complicate things for her both crimally and civily. A few screenshots to the exhusband in progress (who's a disgrace of a human being, but legally the victim this time and trying to divorce her) and a report to a certain state agency, and her career is over. I didn't believe it then due to circumstances, but it lines up too well now. IDK if it's totally true, but the idiot did put in writing herself. If needed, I get along great with my local PD, in particular an officer who's dealt with similar idiocy before. My only regret is not lobbing a few insults back before we blocked each other. Sadly all the good responses occured to me the next morning and it helped the illusion. I did leave her a note thanking her for the trauma when I dropped off some stuff she'd left with me and kept a photo of it in case she tried anything. She's out of town so there's an enforced chill out period before we have to be near each other again. She's blocked so no more suicide attempts for dramatics. We called 911 on her the last time and even the cops didn't believe her- cancelled the ambulance and no involuntary holds, or even a warning for the self confessed drug DUI. Points for not traumating her farther, I guess? As long as I stay unreachable, it's not going to happen due to me or not my problem anymore. She has other friends now to traumatize. Notably, the only ones left are enablers/in love with her and us disowned folks stood up to her. 

I've got the energy to play with my dolls again and I'm making up for lost time. A doll clothing preorder happened to arrive a few days after this all went down, so there's been a lot of dressup. I'm customizing a playline doll into a character I've dreamed of for ages. Another bjd is finally getting some photography practice and I'm figuring out what I'm planning for the design of another. I'm starting to be able to focus long enough to do longer projects again, so hopefully I can get some clothes done. There's a backlog of things I really want to do but just couldn't. Not laziness- I would forget mid-stitch what I was doing or lose track of goals the second I tried to cut my fabric, even with a reference. Literally couldn't picture the next step or remember how to get there. I finally got my disaster of a bedroom cleaned for the first time in months, so the dolls have a nice place to be displayed. Physical health issues that defied blood test results resolved literally overnight after this, so I'm finally capable of doing more than survival/school/work now. Mental issues are uphill slowly, but in progress. I'm easing back into things with smaller projects, but hopefully I'll be able to do some bigger stuff soon too! Taking it slow though. I don't need burnout. I just need to get my life together and heal. 

I thought doing the hobby on my own would be lonely, but turns out it's just peaceful. I'm still trying to process the last three years, but I think things are going to be okay. The last week and few days has been the happiest, most peaceful week of my life since I was a child.  Ironically, due to the bait argument and what it would reveal, she can't even trash talk me too specifically without looking terrible.  I'm still being careful, but I think we're a lot more evenly matched than she had me believing. I'd love to make some less insane friends but I think I need some time to learn to be a healthy person. I don't want to accidentally continue this cycle. For now, I'm looking forward to a LOT of doll play time, catching up on sleep next to my kitty, and trying to build a future.

~Anonymous

Mod: Glad to hear such a happy update Anon! 💜

[brideofhantengu]

A Famished Heart: the collected diaries of GYOTENGU human!au

TW mentions of mental health, homophobia, drugs and ed/ana.

New York City, 1980 - After being tried before a jury on his alleged role in the breaking and entering of an older woman's home, Hantengu's mental state and physical condition (and endless excuses for his actions) call for a two-year involuntary rehabilitation. There, he is poorly treated for his kleptomania, health and behavioral issues but feigns his wellness in an attempt to be released. The year is 1982 and the unstable Hantengu has been released from the institution he has spent the last two Christmases in. He still suffers from disordered eating and dissociative identity disorder until he crosses paths with Gyokko, an ex-bouncer who frequents queer nightclubs. Gyokko wants to help Hantengu, but the relatively recent HIV epidemic stands between them as society struggles to accept their relationship. These are the recovered pages of their journals.

Hantengu

January 12th, 7:08 pm.

Run. Even if it hurts, run and keep running. If you can't move your legs, use your head. Run away from anything and everything that hurts. This pain does not belong to me, this pain was caused by others who wish nothing but to harm me. 'I couldn't possibly have committed such atrocities,' I say but no one ever hears me. Instead, I reassure myself of my purity until the past becomes a blur. Fuck. My knee's gone out. I can't stop here, I have to keep going. I won't get caught. It's not my fault. My entire life I've been a loyal servant of God. Each finger tip that I glide over each cold, bronze lock and every blade I caress with my thumb to test its dullness, is done in favor of my own self-defense. I've spent my life unwanted, orphaned at a young age. My mother claims she couldn't handle me and suggests I saw a psychiatrist. My father beat me until my mind went blank. I've never been much to look at, then again neither as my mother. I haven't seen my own reflection in years, so a clean, sharp knife is always a surprise. And a delight. But you didn't hear that from me, no. In fact, you didn't hear that at all. You're unsure of what you've just been told and I think I'd like to keep it that way. "Innocent until proven guilty," they say. But I know the truth. Since the day I was born into this accursed world, I've not once uttered a lie. Despite my plight, I'm a virtuous weakling. But no one ever gives me any sympathy!

I'VE NEVER TOLD A LIE!

*knock knock* "Uhh, Han-...Tang-Go?"

The staff always gets my name wrong.

"His name is Han-teng-gu."

"Thank you doctor, er, Hahn-teen-goo? You're set to go. You can collect your things at the nurse's station."

That's it? Just like that? No questions asked?

Until today, they'd fed me nothing but a paper cup of undisclosed medications the size of golf balls and about a drop of tap water. They must have heard I was stubborn 'cause they made me lift my tongue each time to prove I'd swallowed them. This isn't my first time in the madhouse, I've had my run-ins with the law throughout my youth, but my mother and father always swore up and down that I was in desperate need of help. Any mere second of my life spent in an establishment within this city is absolute punishment. For what, I can't be sure, I'm no criminal... But something about the idea of getting to do almost whatever I please and all I gotta do is hide my face and sob in front of a judge and say outlandish shit to get by is pretty liberating. Now I'm no spring chicken, I've got joints that snap, crackle and pop about as loud as a bowl of Rice Krispies when I stand, and my hair's surprisingly maintained it's shade although I'm partially balding, but come on, everyone's got their vices right? Everyone's got a deep-pitted and insatiable hole they gotta fill, don't they? For me, it's this unbearable craving for adrenaline. Even if it's for a fleeting moment I need it real bad.

I've hit just about everywhere these parts at night and it seems a lot has changed while I've been in the rooms. The streets are filled with garbage as they usually are, and the papers read of endless tragedy. Every day a young man dies from this auto-immune disease that eats away at their minds and bodies, painfully consuming them until they die, in this case, dropping like flies all around. Some are saying it's because of the queer but most are blaming it on dirty needles and prostitution. I've got no use for the red light district anyhow, I get my rocks off on the pity of others. Maybe it's because I felt neglected my entire life or maybe it's because I'm truly a sick bastard, but the sight of people clutching their chest as I grovel and cry and beg for mercy gives me enough pleasure to not need sex for weeks or even months.

I've never been a sexual person, as a boy I occasionally reached a hand below the waist line here and there but I can't tell you what my thoughts were that accompanied my self-awareness. Sometimes now, in my socially private moments which have become fewer and further between, I jack myself off to the thought of blood. The idea of picking locks and weaseling my way into the homes of unsuspecting victims just to creep through their halls like a filthy rat and pocketing whatever I can, no matter it's value, makes my heart pound with fervor and lust. My cock stiffens as I throw their possessions in my bag and sometimes when I'm caught, I simply throw myself to the floor and force myself to shake, evoking a sense of forgiveness in my victim. Victim. What an ugly word for the evil. If anyone's the true victim, it's me! I'd like to think of them as 'participants' in my schemes.

9:02pm

As I walk along the jagged sidewalk, cold wind gnawing at my skin pulled taught over my cheekbones, I quickly slip my black raybans on and pull my black trench coat shut. I hold my hat to my head as the wind blows hard, desperately trying to keep myself upright. The thin, deep red button down worn beneath lays like a thin sheet of paper over my chest, not enough to protect me from the elements. The sky is as black as the ace of spades, I gotta find somewhere to stop awhile where I won't be questioned. I shuffle my way quickly down a dark alley to my left, but not enough to look suspicious. I see some distant lights pulsating in the blackness and some fog emitting from the mouths of two male strangers outside a door. I take heed as I approach them, the sign above in hot pink saying "The Fish Bowl." I think I've heard about this place before, a homosexual patient disappeared one day after telling us stories in group about his "illness." The epidemic had him scared shitless that "God's wrath had come upon the gay community", so towards the end of his life he made numerous attempts to get "saved" in rehab, attempting to take his life numerous times, but tragically to succession before Christmas with a shoelace that was somehow sneaked inside.

Suddenly a pale, muscular man barrels out of the big steel door, shouting at the two men and wrapping each arm around their necks. He has two beers in his hands, spilling their foam all over the place. He's clearly inebriated, pushing an assortment of boundaries both profane and unintentional, boasting some illegible tangent about his days of being a body guard for the "Pink Flamingoes" club back in the day, before it became "The Fish Bowl."

Gyokko

January 12th, 9:05pm

The ground is moving beneath my wobbly feet and my world is spinning around me. Suddenly, I spot this strange and older gentleman, dressed in black with a studious, sickly form. "HEY!" I shout, "MiSteR 'I wEaR mY sUnGlAsSeS aT niGhT' GUY!"

Oh, crap! He's looking my way! Or so I think, behind those dark ass shades... "C'mere!" I take my arms back and extend a hand, offering him a beer. "I got TWO BEERS HERE, and ah, *hiccup* well, I want you to-well I wonder if you'll have one of 'em." The dark man just stands there, hesitant. Is he judging me? WHO IS HE JUDGING, BECAUSE I KNOW IT ISN'T ME! "What?! You some kind of beauty critic or something? Come on, it's a nice gesture! Take it!"

Fuck! He's coming towards me! I panic briefly wanting to make a good impression of myself but I'm piss drunk and covered in sweat and beer. "I won't bite. Promise!"

He took it! He actually took it!

"You cold? Come inside, you'll LOOOOVE iiiittt."

I should have held the door for him but I was so fixated on putting one foot in front of the other I practically let it shut on him. I glanced over my shoulder and saw him catch it with his hands, which looked knobby and frail like a ghost! "Hey, I'm sorry! I just- *belch* couldn't wait to get a new face in here." "HEY BARNEY!" I yell at the bartender, "MEET MY NEW FRIEND, HIS NAME IS... what's your name?" "Hanmurumurmur..." "WHAT?" "My name is humhmuhmhm..." "I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE MUSIC, WHAT DID YOU SAAAY?" "Nevermind." "NEVERMIND! MEET MY FRIEND NEVERMIND! Wait, that's not what you said..." after enlightening my new friend all about my budding art career and RICH history as a BOUNCER, I finally got the courage to ask him about himself. "Why don't you take those peepers off? The strobe lights bothering you or something?" He looks kind of old from what light catches his structure, maybe he has cataracts or somethi-

Oh. Oh my god.

His eyes.

HIS EYES!

THOSE HAVE TO BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND HYPNOTIC EYES TO EVER GRACE MY OWN! They're this stunning hue of red circled by a ring of an even deeper red, encapsulated by GORGEOUS dark and sunken sockets. His skin is tan and tight, thin wrinkles peppered in each curve. "I-iii-uhhhh," come on, Gyokko! This is no way to act! I'm a fisherman's son! I may be estranged from my family but I know how to navigate turbulent waters! Fuck! I knocked my beer over. I quickly get up to lean forward and wipe the table with a handful of napkins, noticing my new (and beautiful) friend's coat has become drenched. He notices and stands, quickly pulling it off and tossing it over the table, using it to soak up the rest. I slowly raise my head to look up at him and my eyes are met with a body just as or if not MORE beautiful than his face. He's remarkably thin, but certainly not helpless looking, not at all. His arms and legs are strong, adding an even further sense of mystery to his aura. The top buttons of his shirt are undone, showing off his collar bones and Adams apple freely. I begin to salivate as my eyes fall down his torso, landing on a black leather belt that seemed as if it was latched into it's slimmest size. "What's the problem? Catching flies, or something? You can't stop staring at me."

"Oh! Oh, I didn't realize."

What. The fuck.

I'm stronger than this, far more confident and sure of my surroundings! How could I let myself display such weakness! This is not how any artiste should act! This man might be my magnum opus! Oh, if only I could have him...get him into bed... No, he won't do that, not with this disease wiping out young men by the hundreds..."

"Look, um... I know we just met and all and I probably shouldn't trust you but then again, you probably shouldn't trust me considering we just met and all, but, ahh..."

What is he asking me WHAT IS HE ASKING ME!?!?!

"Do you happen to know anywhere I could crash for the night? Somewhere safe, at least?"

"HYOOOO! As a matter of fact, my roommate just moved out and I've got a bed and everything you can use in my apartment! I hope you'll happily oblige, dear friend! I could use the company."

"You sure? I mean you seem like a great guy and all but-"

"ABSOLUTELY! Come on, you can wear my jacket until we get home."

"Home?"

"ERRR, MY PLACE."

I took him to the back wall with me to grab my coat, I couldn't leave someone as delicate yet so handsome as himself all alone. Just my luck I'd have returned and he'd be saddled up on some other man's lap! Truth be told, I've been holding my piss this whole time in fears of him being swept away!

He flashes me a funny look as I pull my purple rabbit fur jacket off the hook. He shrugs and accepts my offer and we side step each other awkwardly as we decide on whether or not I help him or he puts it on himself. He finally just turned around and let me guide it on him, and god did he look cute! What better clothes to frame a beautiful man than my beautiful taste in outerwear! He turns around to face me and he looks so damn adorable with that fedora on. "How sublime, how sublime!" I grab my keys actually remember to hold the door open for him this time. The attraction I had for this stranger was intoxicating, but the adrenaline of taking him home so easily sobered me up.

"I didn't quite get your name, what did you say it was, again?"

"Hantengu."

"Hantengu. That's a lovely name. Truly sublime!"

We walked in silence, my rapid cycling thoughts drowned out the sound of sirens and traffic. We arrived at my complex, a bit rundown on the outside. "Now I know it's not much but, it's mine and I can express myself freely here, so." We entered and moved throughout the lobby, headed for the elevators when Mary Ann the crackhead called out from along the graffiti laden wall, "Hey, hey, honey! You got any change you can spare, even a nickel?" "Not today, Mary Ann, I'm kind of busy right now." "Oh that's alright honey, who's this?" She scratches at her neck, "This your new boyfriend?" We keep walking, "Nope, just a friend who's staying the night." "I feel you baby, but do be careful! That H-I-V be takin' all kinds of folks around the neighborhood." "Yeahhh," I reply, "can't be too careful, right?" I continue as she lights up a pipe shared by the emaciated and skin-sore covered man beside her.

I had to press the elevator button multiple times to get it to work, which caused Hantengu to look a little uncomfortable. I don't want to worry my handsome guest so I reassured him it was normal and never once failed me. He spoke to me in a trembling and anguished tone of voice, "Tragedy follows me everywhere I go..." This caught me off guard as I've never made a good therapist friend, for I lack that sense of communication since it's never really been shown to me, so I just guide him into the elevator and give him space to speak. Naturally, I'd have changed the subject about now to something that peaks my own intrigue, but I truly felt a connection to this guy and really wanted to take things higher, even if by a single decibel. The lights flickered in the lift, and I almost felt compelled to put my arm around Hantengu to keep him calm, but physical touch could easily blow it should that be something that causes him to spaz. We follow the corridor past some punched holes in the wall and the skunky smell of pot assaulted our nostrils and FINALLY arrive at my door. I fuck with the lock to get us in and the first thing he does is look around sort of amazed. "Whoa... these all yours?" He points to my collection of vases. "Yes, those are mine, how could you tell? The sheer glory of their handicraft and careful precision in each pattern?"

"Well I mean you're...colorful."

"Colorful?" I chuckle.

"Yeah, you know. Look at this jacket, I mean, come on. You've got style."

My heart soared at Hantengu's observation. I always felt the world needed more color in it, so I accepted the position of delivery to that vibrant and exotic touch the planet needed so! "Sit, sit! Make yourself comfortable. Want me to take your hat for you?"

"Um, no, I think I'll keep it on."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I feel weird without it."

"I respect your wishes but just know I won't judge."

I removed the bandana around my head and shook my purple hair out, tying it up into a half bun before rolling up my sleeves and opening the fridge. I think the sight of my hair loosened him up a bit because I saw him lean back in the corner of my eye and adjust himself leisurely. He spread his legs in a masculine way, which was turning me on but I didn't say anything. Instead, I cleared my throat and offered him something to gnash on. "You hungry, Hantengu? Can I fix you something to eat?"

"Oh, uh, no. No thanks."

"You sure?"

"Y-yeah, I'm...I'm sure."

I closed the fridge after grabbing a slice of cold pizza and brought it over to my sectional couches with me. I sat on the loveseat parallel to Hantengu who was seated on the full size. I'm sure it was impolite to eat before him, but I wasn't in the habit of being fully aware of my approach towards others. "Where are my manners," I sighed and shook my head before I continued chewing and spaced off. I noticed Hantengu was getting sort of agitated across from me, readjusting his legs and tapping his fingers on his knee. It looked like he was trying to cover his nose with his other hand, which made me wonder if the smell of the neighbors pot was bothering him. "Hantengu you look a little unwell, are you sure I can't get you something to eat?" Hantengu just stared at my pizza, glossy eyed. "HYO! Someone's contact high and got the munchies, huh?" What a dumb ass thing to say to my guest. What a way to make him feel welcome.

12:37 am

Some time passed of us just shooting the shit about the local news and drugs, and I noticed him yawning. I offered him the guest room but he insisted on sleeping on the couch, which I found quite odd but I understood his concern. My body was fatigued from a breaking myself into a sweat at the club, but something inside me felt so alive and giddy. I laid out a palette of old knitted blankets on the sofa and made sure he was comfortable before I took myself to bed.

January 13th, noon.

No idea how long I slept but the first thing I did was jump out of bed and go check on my company. The blankets were folded neatly in a stack and I couldn't resist the urge to look around and call out for him. "Hantengu?" "Han- oh my." I accidentally walked in on him taking a piss in the bathroom, to which he reacted shyly at first but then calmly as he flushed and swiftly walked past me. I felt my face go flush and my body froze completely. I thought to myself, 'Did I just... see his penis?" I ran back to apologize to him and he explained it wasn't entirely his sex he felt exposed over, but the fact that he didn't have his hat on! Silly me, I didn't even notice because my perverted eyes were fixated on his cock. It took a second for me to realize but his insecurity was the fact that he was balding, and had a rather large protrusion on his forehead. It almost looked something like leprosy or even some kind of tumor, even. Yet, the way his black wavy hair looked tucked behind his ears, his defined and angular jaw and tendons peeking through each muscle's movement took my breath away; something that only happens when I see my own reflection and finished artwork. "So are we not gonna talk about the fact that I totally just...saw you take a piss in my toilet? Orrrr,"

"Why, do you want to talk about that or something?"

"What! No, I mean,"

"Well do you?"

"I...!"

Hantengu stood up and tucked his shirt into his slacks, and spoke in a very straightforward manner, "Look, I appreciate you letting me stay the night. Take care, ok?" I wanted to saw my ears off at the sound of his take-off. By reflex, I jumped in front of my door and stuck my arms out at my hips, blocking him. "I'm sorry? What's going on here."

"WAIT!" I exclaimed. "Don't go. Not yet."

Hantengu sat down silently and looked down at his feet before he folded his arms and leaned back. "I don't know what your deal is here, but I gotta go." "Where." I demanded an answer. "Where do you have to be that's so important."

"Listen buddy, that's none of your bu-"

And like a total fucking goofball, I charged towards him and grabbed his chin, directing his gaze up towards mine. "Nowhere. Because if you did, you wouldn't have asked to stay."

Silence. He said nothing.

I noticed his eyes make some sort of triangle shape at each eye and at my lips. Something about the way he inspected my face put the world in a stand-still and all I knew at that point was, no matter how dangerous it may have seemed, I needed to kiss him. I leaned down to press my lips into his, and he didn't really react at first until I felt him part his thin, dry lips to invite my mouth deeper onto his. He stood up and took my face in his cold and wrinkled hands, covered in liver spots and veins. Each bulbous knuckle that bent ever-so-lightly at their joint, each hair on the back of his head that graced his narrow shoulders, each line and sharp angle of his face... I was beginning to admire him. This man was my muse from the moment we crossed paths. Star-crossed lovers, so to speak? Whatever it was, I was falling in love and knew I couldn't let myself be ashamed of it.

~End of part one~

[chaosandcrimson]

no way is that BEATRIX 'TRIXIE' VOS.. they’re a 28-year-old HUMAN notoriously known for being IRRESPONSIBLE  &  FLIGHTY but there are some people who have seen them being CHARISMATIC  &  NURTURING.  if you ask me, they remind me a lot of ripped jeans, messy bedsheets and messier hair, and little cuts and bruises from accidents, but that could just be because they’re considered the GOOD BAD GIRL around town. just keep an eye on them  &  see if their true colors shine through..

Splendidly selfish, charmingly helpless Excellent fun 'til you get to know her Then she runs like it's a race

OVERVIEW

Name: Beatrix Kendra Vos

Nickname(s): Trixie (by everyone), Beatrix (by Ian)

DOB: August 31, 2096

Age: 28

FC: Lili Reinhart

Height: 5'6"

Pronouns: She/Her

Sexuality: Bisexual

Occupation: Nurse at Moggadeet Medical Clinic

Relationship Status: In an undefined thing with Ian Dutton

[+] charismatic, spontaneous, nurturing [–] irresponsible, impetuous, flighty

BIOGRAPHY

tw: child abuse, involuntary drug testing, sex work

Trixie was born into a very poor family in the lower class district. She has two older brothers, Ollie and Halen, as well as a twin sister, Chandler. Their parents were generally neglectful and only treated them as a means to an end.

All of the Vos children were used to make money by being put into illegal and unregulated product testing—usually by the Big Three and their subsidiaries.

Like her twin sister, she was subjected to extensive drug testing as a teenager. Unlike her twin sister, the drugs she tested were not designed to be used in the medical field, but rather in covert military operations.

The effects of the drugs included but were not limited to inducing specific hallucinations in targets, lowering their inhibitions, increasing their suggestibility, and generally making them more submissive and compliant.

As soon as she turned 18, she moved out and severed all ties with her parents. Finally, she knew what it was like to have a clear head after escaping from years of being in a constant stupor, and she vowed to never take another drug again.

She worked as a cam girl and later an escort in order to save up money for her education. The service she provided as an escort was strictly limited to being a paid companion slash professional girlfriend. There was no expectation of sexual favours, but she did have sex with clients, on occasion and at her discretion.

She kept her job as an escort through her entire education and training as a nurse. At one point, someone in the mob hired her as a companion for the night and ended up offering her a job at a mob-affiliated clinic once she qualified.

She met Ian Dutton when accompanying a client to the VIP section where he works as a bartender. They eventually began an on-again off-again relationship that continues to present day. At first, it was simply impractical for her to engage in anything long-term due to the nature of her work, but now that she no longer has that excuse, she still finds herself incapable of commitment.

She enjoys her work at the clinic, and has ended up with a more favourable opinion of the mob than she has of the corporations—which is perhaps understandable considering what she went through at their hands.

MISC

She does not smoke, drink, or take any kind of recreational drugs. She is even averse to taking drugs for medical reasons and has to be convinced to do it.

[aftgficrec]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

I’m sorry if I did this wrong ( or made a maistake in submitting) , but i was reading this a few days ago and thought the writing plot were both stunning. if i did this wrong pls do tell me.

You did this perfectly, friend, this is exactly what our submissions are for!

Also, you’re absolutely right, this fic is STUNNING, and we’re very happy to be able to rec it once more. - S

We Used To Be Friends by gluupor [Rated M, 104576 words, complete, 2020]

Neil’s life is thrown into disarray when his best friend is murdered. As he starts his senior year of high school, he finds himself on the outside looking in, a social pariah whose former friends are only too willing to bully and ostracize him.

Working for his father, a private investigator, leads him to evidence that his friend’s murder may not be as straightforward as it seems. Neil throws himself into the investigation, hoping that solving the case might help him regain some of what he lost.

tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: implied/referenced drug addiction, tw: non-consensual drug use, tw: involuntary outing, tw: classism, tw: racism, tw: bullying, tw: violence, tw: homophobia, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced murder

[oliversrarebooks]

Brainwashing Chair CYOA 3- The Struggle

Masterlist Next

tw: pet whump, restraints, captivity, involuntary drugging

You chose: fake a struggle against the two men to sell the act

The two handlers are flanking either side of you, taking your arms and guiding you along. They're not really using force, as though they expect you to come with them without much resistance. 

But while you, the reporter, did sign up to do this, the character you're meant to be playing did not. It doesn't make sense for you to just go quietly, does it? You should struggle a bit to sell the act, and maybe get some juicy footage sent back to your group when you inevitably get subdued.

You take a deep breath, bracing yourself, and twist yourself out of the handlers' grasp just before they take you inside the double doors of the facility. "Let go of me!" you shout. "I don't want to be a pet! Let me go!"

Hopefully, that tiny microphone picked all that up. For a lot of people, this could be their first exposure to how pets are treated and trained, and --

You're caught off guard with how quickly the handlers grab you and press you against the wall. It's not forceful enough to hurt, but the cold concrete scrapes against your skin. "I told you to stay calm," says one of the handlers.

You see the needle out of the corner of your eye a split second before it pierces your skin. Shit! You just expected them to rough you up a bit, not go straight for drugs. You'd prefer to have your full faculties about you as you enter the facility, but it's too late now, with the cold fluid entering your neck.

They pull you away from the wall, your head already beginning to spin. What's in this stuff? Ugh, you should've known this would happen. After all, pets are always physically "perfect", so they had to be using means of control that... that...

The world blurs, and your thoughts slow down. You're too disoriented to put up any more of a fight, fake or otherwise, as they resume dragging you into the building. You're shaking your head in a futile effort to try and stave off the effects of the drug, but it's no use.

You blink, and you're standing in front of a desk. A hospital? It looks like a hospital desk. No... you blanked out for a moment. You're in the pet facility, you remember. It's a sterile, clinical place that really doesn't look much different from a medical building, though, and the receptionist behind the counter is a young woman in a green dress. You fight to keep focus. You have to keep yourself alert to...

...what was it you're doing here...? It's something... complicated, and whatever they put in your system is making complicated thoughts very, very difficult.

"New pet intake?" she says, tapping on her keyboard. "Name?"

You're not sure if she's asking you or one of the handlers.

Masterlist Next

[samucl-kane]

SAMUEL KANE

Full Name: Samuel Kane

Nicknames: Sam, Sammy

Pronouns and Gender: He/Him, Cis Male

Age and Birthday: 35 years old, July 14th

Birth place: Unknown, grew up in foster care in Charleston, SC

Sexuality: Homoromantic Homosexual

Occupation: Arborist at the Botanical Gardens

Residence: Ocean Crest Apartments

Time in Aurora Bay: 4 years

Face claim: Dev Patel

tw violence, weapons, drugs, foster care, mild mention of grooming, homelessness, substance abuse, involuntary manslaughter, homophobia, mental health issues, incarceration, relapse

HISTORY —

Samuel was a foster kid, never landed in an actual family and bounced around, diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, in suit depression, and dysgraphia. He had ended up in a group home from ages seventeen to nineteen when he befriended an older man.

He and that man both found a shoebox apartment together, and Sam slept on the sofa for two years, got involved in drug dealings, learned how to grow marijuana and mushrooms from his roommate.

It was a lucrative business, it kept him with a roof over his head, and it gave him money to afford health insurance to buy his prescriptions. He also briefly sparked a romance with his older roommate, feelings one-sided on Sam’s end, until he’d told Sam he was bringing a girlfriend to live with them.

He didn’t like her due to jealousy issues, but he was cordial. It never clicked that intimacy was something Sam was used for by the older man taking advantage of him needing a roof over his head.

At twenty-two he’d unknowingly been driving a car with marijuana in the glove box when he was pulled over, and his friend and friend’s girlfriend were able to take off undetected. Samuel took the fall and was locked up overnight and faced a sentence of a misdemeanor and served thirty days in jail.

His roommate did nothing to help or put money on his books at that time despite Sam not snitching on him, so their relationship was strained when he got out and had to hitchhike home.

The resentment grew and made the living situation tense, and it took about six weeks and Sam laced a small stash of personal weed with fentanyl. The girl overdosed and passed away, but Sam packed his things and left Scott-free. If asked today about it, he can say he knows it happened, but the memory is a blur. His present remorse for the action was completely nonexistent when it happened.

Sam was back to trying to find an apartment to live in. He found another means to grow and produce under the roof of an older woman who offered him a room for his assistance.

Around twenty five years old he started sampling the product, per se, and developed his own streak of addictive tendencies on and off for the next two years especially when he couldn’t afford his medications. Once belongings around the house went missing he was kicked out again with nothing but his backpack and the clothes on his body.

Once again he sofa-surfed, but he never had a permanent roof over his head. At twenty-six it was a particularly cold night in South Carolina. He broke into a convenience store for money and food using a crowbar to smash the windows and break down the metal gated barrier.

Little did he know that the owner lived in the apartment above the store and came down in a panic, and Sam, startled, swung the crowbar in his hands and cracked it to the older woman’s head.

Before heading down she flipped an alarm so Sam couldn’t escape by the time authorities arrived. She suffered blunt force trauma that resulted in a fractured skull.

Sam was charged with assault to the first degree and breaking and entering, sentenced to five years in prison after proving that the assault had not been a planned attack. He was also sentenced to drug rehabilitation while incarcerated, that he agreed to.

Sam got on well and ducked his head save for one poor run in with another inmate that led him to being beaten in the showers as a result of being queer. The trauma left him with partial hearing loss in his left ear. On a positive note, he did take advantage of the education system in there for botany.

Sam was released a year early after his case was appealed, and he proved his sobriety for the duration of his incarceration. He had to complete a year of probation. It was shortly after he did that he nearly had a relapse, and Sam sought out rehabilitation once more to keep on the straight and narrow. It took a few months, but once done he hopped to the West Coast.

Far from Charleston, far from his past.

He landed in Aurora Bay four years ago, his first job was at the flower shop. While he worked there, he continued online studies off of his associate's degree. Sam made a job change to an arborist at the botanical gardens after he earned his bachelors. The switch was made earlier this year.

Unfortunately, it wasn't smooth sailing and Sam hit a hiccup in the road, falling into a depression and relapsing. The habit made it impossible for him to maintain his work schedule, and within the week Sam took a leave of absence from work and put himself into a rehab in Laguna Beach.

He returned as of middle of December, and is getting back into the swing of things.

TRAITS.

+ Peaceful, humble.

+/- Intuitive, benevolent.

- Rueful, unpredictable.

HEADCANONS.

⊹ Sam's name was given to him by the orphanage, being it was in the bible belt, his first name is considered biblical. Samuel - Name of God. Kane was given as his surname as it means 'little battler', and he'd been found after a chill overnight that should have left him ill at the very least.

⊹ He is a vegetarian.

⊹ Despite his sobriety he has allowed himself a one drink limit of beer or wine when he is out with friends, and will switch to non-alcoholic. No hard liquor, however.

⊹ He has made conscious efforts for environmental services in Aurora Bay, from picking up trash on the beaches to advocating for accessible recycling locations to try and keep things green. He even composts some of his own food at home for his very small balcony garden.  

⊹ Sam has two lovebirds named Honey Dew and Agave. They are his life.

⊹ tba.

CONNECTIONS.

Sam is a friendly guy, especially after battling drug addiction he finds that trying to remain upbeat and talking to new people is a great way to keep himself occupied. He is a bit more standoffish now following his release from rehab. Suggestions for connections include any past ex-friends, exes, people he is on good terms with, anyone who is in N.A. with him, beach clean-up partners, any plant enthusiasts who visit the botanical gardens.

♡ @willxmeyers - wip.

♡ @ithinkitscami - wip.

♡ @ponderosus - wip.

♡ @dilcne - wip.

♡ @castellcnos - wip.

♡ @cricketcampbell - wip.

♡ @vanessagable - wip.

♡ @gwenxmoreno - wip.

♡ @auggievillanueva - wip.

♡ @sebitorres - wip.

♡ @keolalagaaia - wip.

LINKS.

⊹ pinterest.

⊹ inspo.

⊹ playlist.

⊹ personal tunes.

@aurorabayaesthetic

[paintcdnights]

Little pearl, you think you're in gold, but I can see the dirt in your lines | ABOUT DILAN

NAME: Dilan Azize Ozdemir

AGE: Twenty-Seven

GENDER & PRONOUNS: Cis Woman, She/Her

FACE CLAIM: Aslihan Malbora

EYE COLOR: Brown

HAIR COLOR: Brown

HEIGHT: 5'6"

DATE OF BIRTH: December 13th, 1995

SEXUALITY: Bisexual

ZODIAC SIGN: Sagittarius

LEVEL OF EDUCATION: High School

RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION: None

OCCUPATION: Singer/Songwriter & Hotel Heiress

HOMETOWN: Istanbul, Turkey, then Los Angeles, CA

IN TOWN: Fifteen Years

POSITIVE TRAITS: Effervescent & Charming

NEGATIVE TRAITS: Reckless & Impetuous

CHARACTER BACKGROUND (TW: DRUG USE, ADDICTION)

Growing up in Turkey, Dilan was sheltered from the world. Her father, Berat Ozdemir is the founder and CEO of the luxury hotel chain Azure Tulip Resorts & Hotels throughout Europe and Asia. Dilan and her older sister and brother had everything they could every want due to their status, but still her father tried to shield them from everything that could harm them. She grew up with nannies and tutors devoting their entire work and time to bettering her in every which way possible and she excelled with everything that was put in front of her. However, her father had aspirations to grow his brand into something larger.

Berat looked to the west for his newest and biggest hotel concept: Los Angeles, to be specific. It was a huge project that would take a number of years, something he would take care of remotely and with many trips to the states for. However, he began to realize it wouldn't be a task that he could continue to leave his children and wife as he had been doing for the last year. Making the hard choice, he decided to move his entire family to L.A., permanently.

Moving to Los Angeles was a culture shock for Dilan. All the things her father had hidden away from her was suddenly in her face and glared back at her. The luxurious things her father only gave in moderate were now everywhere in front of her eyes and readily available to devour. Designer bags, clothes and eventually drugs had consumed Dilan, a complete change from her former self. She took every opportunity to flaunt the wealth her father had provided her, throwing parties in the hotel penthouse, taking friends on trips around the world on their private jet and every other destructive thing she could possibly participate in.

Her father would attempt to interfere as much as he could, but the more he tried to control his youngest child, she would often fight harder against him. The wholesome relationship she had with her father and turned dark as she would oppose every restriction he'd put on her. It was easier for her to fall into the lifestyle that he had brought her into willingly. It seemed Dilan had gone from the happy go lucky daddy's girl to this disrespectful and deplorable woman Berat no longer recognized. He had given up on her as she continued to spiral and eventually she fell into an addiction that she couldn't get out of. It wasn't until hotel staff found his youngest daughter passed out on the bathroom floor of one of the penthouse suites with vomit spilling from her mouth.

Finally, Berat was pushed to the point of no return and pulled a baker act, putting her on an involuntary 72 hour hold so that his daughter couldn't hurt anyone or herself most importantly. Finally, he had come to an agreement with her: he wouldn't cut her off if she completed rehab. Throwing in the towel, Dilan finally gave into her father's demands and completed a ninety day sober program. It was there without an escape and anything to cloud her mind that she turned her anxious thoughts in to words on page, prose that flowed easily from her fingertips.

Once out of rehab, Dilan had dabbled into her old bad habits, just on a smaller scale and she was able to balance a life that her father would be proud of and the one he wouldn't. She didn't let her stint in rehab change her completely, but enough to have her father off her back. Now, she still uses her father's name and money to get her whatever she wants. All the effort she puts into the world deals with the music she attempts to make, but has never showed anyone her work and if she ever sings, it's just covers. Her anxiety still gets the better of her and she turns to illicit substances to help her through every bump in life.

Her father still has a secret that he's kept from his youngest daughter and swore the rest of his family to secrecy: their funds are not as liquid as they were once. Her spending habits, her rehab, everything Berat has done to support her without question as attributed to the significant amounts of money lost. Their family still has the Ozdemir power it always has, but they have been secretly saving money in hopes of returning to the same amount of prestige as they once did. It's only a matter of time before the truth comes out and Dilan spirals once more.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

her older brother and sister, one that may hold disdain for dilan and one that maybe takes care of her a little bit more

her ride or die best friend, one she’s known since she moved to la fifteen years ago

exes

people she knows through the hotel her father owns (people who worked there during college or parents have worked there)

other socialites and nepo babies

[devilsgatewayhq]

Name: Malcolm Cohen Age: 32 Time living in Tonopah: 6 months Occupation: Security at The Raven Gang Affiliation: Sons of Silence Prospect Neighborhood: Webster Village Face Claim: Paul Mescal

Biography (TW: drug abuse, overdose):

Despite the challenges he faced growing up in a rough and tumble small town outside of Boston, Malcolm Cohen always found comfort in the unwavering love of his family. Living a humble lifestyle, the Cohens were content with the life they had and never sought more than what they needed to survive. The trajectory of everyone's lives could have been different if Malcolm hadn't gotten mixed up with the wrong crowd in his youth. Joshua and Marie tried to search for any sort of reason in why the young boy would often find himself suspended from school, but the only thing they could see was the vacant look in his eyes, as if he was lost in another world. When asked why he did the things he did, why he couldn’t be more like his overachieving younger sister, Hannah, Malcolm would just shrug. There was no rational explanation for the destructive behavior, only a deep craving for the rush it provided. Or, perhaps, they just weren’t looking close enough at the sadness that lingered behind those bloodshot eyes.

Although Malcolm's parents knew he wouldn't attend college, they still hoped he would make wise decisions about his future. When he finally got a job at a local pub and found his own place, they felt a sense of relief wash over them, hoping that this long-winded rebellious phase would finally end. Little did they know that the road ahead was long and unpredictable. He sank deeper into depression, accompanied by a growing dependence on various illegal substances. Malcolm changed into someone his family and friends didn't recognize — withdrawn and careless. It all came to a head for him at twenty-seven when his sister approached him for help with studying for her law school exams. Despite his good sense, he gave her some Adderall he'd bought online, thinking he'd ordered it from that site countless times and used it for many shifts — what was the harm? Two days later, Malcolm received the tragic news from his parents that Hannah had passed away because of the pills he gave her, which were laced with a dangerous substance. The next year passed in a blur, and Malcolm's only option was to take a plea deal for involuntary manslaughter. His parents, wanting nothing more to do with him after his mistake, provided him with a lawyer as a parting gift. During his time in jail, guilt tormented him, and the isolation of losing everyone he loved was unbearable. Malcolm made a promise to himself to turn his life around. During his prison sentence, he worked hard to stay sober and focused on bettering his mental health and education. He made a conscious decision not to see his parents after his release, understanding that their relationship would be irreparably harmed. With no possessions and a heavy heart, he set out on a journey to start a new life across the country.

Tonopah Valley, where he settled, was a close-knit community with a low cost of living and easy access to nearby cities. Although his criminal record made it difficult to find work, he eventually found employment as a bouncer at The Raven. His growing friendship with Nate, his boss, quickly led to an invitation to become a prospect for the Sons. Although he was initially cautious and trying to avoid trouble, the Sons offered him a sense of belonging that he had been missing for a while. Despite being in town for six months, Malcolm is still trying to prove himself to the MC. Despite the constant battle against his own demons, he remains determined to triumph.

Headcanons: 

Malcolm has been sober for 5 years from both drugs and alcohol. He finds that he's the happiest he's ever been mentally, even if his circumstances aren't so great. He even leads AA meetings from time to time when they need someone.

He's generally pretty soft spoken, but at work or otherwise he isn't afraid to get in someone's face if they're out of line. He's from Boston, he's had his fair share of tussles.

He loves being outdoors and going on long hikes.

Has an 8-year-old staffy named Pepper that he adopted from the local humane society after getting out of prison. He credits Pepper with keeping him sane during those first few months.

[42donotpanic]

Writer's Pride Month 2023

Full Story: Safe Place

Chapter 1: Support / 1145 / TW: Unsafe Binding

Chapter 2: Community / 3265 / TW: Involuntary Drug Use

Chapter 3: First Realisation / 1830

Chapter 4: Attraction / 2156 / TW: Injuries

Chapter 5: Resistance / 1381 / TW: Transphobia, Injury, Self Harm, Implied Past Suicide Attempt

Chapter 6: Old Age / 1973 / TW: Transphobia, Body Dysphoria, Self Harm, Alcoholism, Drug Abuse

Chapter 7: QPR / 1581

Chapter 8: Intersectionality / 3297 / TW: Transphobia, Intersectional Homophobia, Unsafe Binding

Chapter 9: Aromantic / 3354 / TW: Body Dysphoria, Sensory Overload

@writersmonth