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angstyandromanticwriting · 3 days ago

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Cynthia Hammond (an OC, reimagined) X Fem!Reader Angsty, Cute, and Fluffy Prompt [Full Version]

• New idea for this character as previously introduced - will be progressed further later on;

• Cynthia’s face-claim is Reneé Rapp;

• There will be more!

!TW(s): Features of a dystopian atmosphere, references to criminal activity + possible near death experiences + near death experience(s) in general, hints of jealousy, smoking, implied suffering from depression + anxiety + separation anxiety + elements of self-loathing, implied system of societal homophobia in place + forbidden love; its trials and tribulations, implied discrimination in regard to wealth/social classes, description of perversions, violence, threat(s), injury detail, presence of weaponry, rape-y + rakish behaviour, swearing, depiction of murder(s) + capital punishment, blood, depiction(s) of assault + sexual harassment, having to have stitches done, implied sexual occurrence(s) + mild depiction of them + sexual references, theft, mention of self-harm, series of sexual ‘cheating’, insult(s), series of break-ups, presence of drugs; substance abuse + being spiked, mention of having nightmares, nudity, mention of drugs + alcohol, depiction of panic attack(s) + falling unconscious - if I’ve missed any, please feel free to let me know; thank you!

Just a Minor Misdemeanour/Fools Rule

On the edge of town, there wasn’t space for peaceful coexistence. There, there was no space for what might be casually known as a ‘fun’ life; a fun moment - the fun here was mainly centred around doing things that could get you killed, if they were done wrong. These very things exist in many different variants. There was stealing, not just because you may be starving; there was murder, whether or not you’d been wronged by the victim, or victims. There was prostitution, too - it got more dangerous to be in such a profession the further down town you might go.

But where you were, things couldn’t be more heavy. More painful - you weren’t sure why, without delving into each law set in place for the area, before it started going uphill and into the richer neighbourhoods. You normally hated them; the townsfolk, up there, drinking and eating whenever they wanted to. You sighed, staring at the wall ahead of you; you still don’t know how you’d ended up getting involved with one of them.

Cynthia - well, she liked to be called ‘Cynthy’ by you, a lot of the time - had been living up there her whole life; that didn’t mean she liked it, either. She’d come by the less fortunate and ‘clean’ side of town by accident, forgetting to take the right turn she needed to do so to get back home, leading her effectively onto a wild goose chase she’d never forget. You hesitantly turned to face her, serenely watching her sleeping peacefully beside you, before you ran your left hand over your face, and pressed yourself up off of the ground to get yourself dressed back up again.

You stretched, thinking about maybe waking her up, considering it was probably supposed to be a school day, or whatever they called it. However, you couldn’t bring yourself to do it, subconsciously smirking in her direction as you leaned heavily against the wall behind you, lighting yourself a cigarette as you did. As soon as she began to really feel the cold, especially now that you weren’t laid beside her, she frowned, before yawning, and looking sleepily toward the leaning and dark frame of her - well, partner?

She couldn’t be sure; you’d never necessarily agreed to anything like that, much to her dismay. She tried to hide that the thought had flustered her a little, prompting her to wince, before she made to try and hide behind a soft smile, somehow.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” you remarked gently, and she appeared taken aback by your voice, her heart skipping a beat as she watched you smile back at her, before you flicked your cigarette down onto the ground, and stamped it out painfully slowly before her.

“Morning,” she managed timidly in response to you, “hey, you - you’re not leaving, are you?”

You tensed up, a pained expression on your face though you’d tried to hold it back. She faltered, her smile fading a little as you looked away from her, trying to hide that it was hurting you, too, to have to part from her again this early in the day.

“I’m sorry-”

“You promised,” she spat, slow and deliberate, and you faltered, nodding gravely, as she got up off of the blanket you’d managed to steal for you both not too long ago, now, “when are you going to actually..” She sighed heavily, before shaking her head; you just wanted the pain to stop, now, but you knew it probably never would, now that you’d met her and found yourself shamefully enamoured with her. “Nevermind, it - it’s fine; I know it is, I just-..” She frowned again, rubbing her left arm as she tried not to let herself break down in front of you, knowing it would probably drive you away from her, somehow. Clearly, she didn’t yet know the lengths you wished you could go to, for her, if only it weren’t forbidden by the state around you both. “I’ll see you around, okay?” She concluded gently, her voice briefly trembling as she pushed herself to walk away from you.

It had never been so hard, before, to stop yourself from being able to act on your urges, like you had to with her, that day. You just wished you knew how much it would hurt, before you had to see her trying to put more and more distance between you both more than she ever had, before.

🜚🜸🜚

The next day, she didn’t bother to come back. You spent much of your time pacing back and forth within the alleyway you often slept within, a pained expression on your face. You knew you should have tried to stop her, before, but you were scared, and didn’t know what else to do. You grunted, wishing she didn’t make you feel so weak inside. You ran your right hand over your face, before you walked toward the back wall, and jumped up to grab onto the ledge that hung above it, allowing you to pull yourself over, before you ran for the broken down border between the wealthier layers of the town.

🜚

You could say you regretted your choices instantly, but that would be too easy. You found yourself lingering behind the building she tended to be educated within, your heart pounding as you waited patiently for her to come out - some already had, it being that time, and all. They all got to go back to their cosy little homesteads. You sighed, trying to ignore the twinge of jealousy that flowered within the deepest depths of your chest.

It was only when you saw her, that the feeling instantly dissolved, as if it were never there in the first place. You couldn’t help, but smile softly, until you noticed the boy trailing beside her. Your heart dropped, and you couldn’t stop yourself as you followed along the left side of the building, trying to keep up with them without being seen as you raced beneath the tree line that came up a few paces after the building wall had come to an end to your right.

You really had to strain your ears, to hear their conversation. You only wished you didn’t, when it was too late not to.

“So, you said you wanted to talk to me - huh?” Cynthia began, and her voice made you feel warm and fuzzy; you still wished it didn’t have that effect on you, sometimes, no matter how perfect it was.

“Yeah,” he began timidly, running a hand through his hair as he surveyed her keenly, only making your blood boil even more in regards to how confident he seemed to be, around her, “I, er - I’ve been thinking about it for a little while, I guess. And when I did, I always came to the same conclusion. I like you, Cynthia.” She tensed up, but you hardly noticed, your right hand balling into a fist as you stared ahead of you, trying to fight back the lump forming within your throat, right now. “I think I have for a while, now,” he added, “and, y’know, if you ever wanna come round my house sometime we can maybe-”

“Sure, whatever,” she interjected, hardly able to bear the rest of whatever he might have intended to request of her, “but, hey - can-.. can you maybe hold this for a minute?”

He would appear confused, his eyebrows furrowing as he looked down at her hand for a moment, before allowing his gaze to return to her own. And, no, you didn’t miss how he’d tried to hide that his eyes had briefly lingered upon her chest for a bit longer than you’d ever care for it to.

“That’s your hand?” He answered, sounding perplexed for a moment, before he realised, and smiled sheepishly over at her, but before he could take it, she used her other hand to slap him across the face.

You couldn’t help it, as you smiled over at her again subconsciously; everything about her was just - amazing, in every way, shape, and form. She was nothing like the other girls you’d met, so far. You didn’t think there could be anyone else quite like her - in your eyes, at least.

“Do you think I’m stupid, or something? I heard what you did to that other girl, buddy, and I’m not letting you do it to me, too, so you better count your blessings, before I make you regret ever moving here, alright?” She spat, and he would roll his eyes, a dark look crossing his face, but he knew he couldn’t take action against her in public as he scoffed, before walking away as he uttered a barely audible ‘bitch’ under his breath.

You wouldn’t let him get away with it - not when you knew he was a possible threat to her safety. You’d never been more thankful, to follow someone the way you did him, especially not when you realised he wasn’t intending to let her get away with the way she’d reacted to his advances.

🜚

You didn’t waste one single moment. You followed him hastily through each street, without hesitation, even as they became more and more decrepit, your eyes occasionally flicking toward her, walking a few paces ahead of him. You guessed she didn’t take long to realise he was following her, when she picked up her pace, and he picked up his. She then shouted something barely audible, but you couldn’t focus, launching into a run as soon as he had behind her.

“Get away from her!” You cried, but he didn’t pay any attention to you. You lunged toward him, almost snarling as you took him down, but he didn’t hesitate to fight against you, kicking at your legs and feet as you winced, trying desperately to keep him down for her. You guessed it should have been obvious to you that he would have a knife on him - what else would he have to threaten her, besides a weapon like that, or a gun?

You didn’t stop without putting up a heavy fight, though, even as you felt the blade enter your stomach. You cursed shakily, punching his right cheek as he grunted, before managing to force you off of him as you grew ever weaker, faster than you ever had before. Your vision soon grew blurry, and you stared feebly up at the slowly dimming sky above you. You sighed, wondering if anything had ever felt this peaceful before, until you remembered that morning; how you’d laid beside Cynthia, her sleeping peacefully beside you.

You smiled softly, but it didn’t take long to falter, when you were reminded of the situation at hand, Cynthia crying out for help, and the shouts of the boy who had decided to pursue her.

“Please! Just - Just let me go!” She cried, desperate to get away, somehow.

He held her tightly against a rough stone wall, grinning sadistically over at her. There was no way he’d let his prey go, now that he’d caught and latched onto her like a true slimy leech. Until you’d finally gathered the strength to push yourself back up again.

“You smell nice,” he remarked, pressing his nose into the crook of her neck whilst she winced, tears forming within her now glossy orbs.

“That’s - kinda creepy,” she returned, but regretted it instantly as he slapped her roughly across the face, before gripping her chin as she tried not to break down anymore than she had already allowed herself to do so.

She wouldn’t let him win, not without her dignity still intact. You’d always admired her for that, even the day you’d first met her, and had found out about her being from the wealthier neighbourhood right at the top of the hill you hated climbing, but would do so for her anyway, no matter what, or why. Her presence just drew you back. Every. Single. Time.

“You oughta be careful down here, darlin’,” he commented sneeringly, “I’m surprised you even know your way around these parts - what’s the deal with that, huh?”

You winced, though it didn’t escape you that a burst of pride flowered within your chest at that fact. You clutched at your stomach feebly, trying to keep as much pressure on the wound as you could; you couldn’t let go, not yet - not when she was still in danger of being violated, maybe even killed by the man who currently held onto her like a tiger would its fresh target. You scowled, pulling yourself closer to the corner they’d both descended upon, before you peeked around, and tried to get your bearings.

You grinned, noticing the rake perched against the wall behind the two. You didn’t hesitate, drawing yourself closer slowly, but surely, to the weapon, but you guessed you weren’t good enough yet still, for the benefits of being a stealthy criminal. He kicked you against the wall, and you groaned, falling against it hopelessly as Cynthia stared over at you in shock, a pained expression on her face as she tried to breathe; tried to think, but the time was running out, so she knew she would do what her instincts told her to do.

She threw herself against the man, taking him down as he cursed, trying to stop her, but it wasn’t hard to hold him down, considering he was a similar size to the two of you. It helped especially, when you grabbed at the rake, before bringing the blunt end down upon his head. He fell limp in an instant, and you breathed heavily as you stared back at her, small tears leaking down your cheeks.

“I-”

She didn’t waste any time, throwing her arms around you as you tensed up within her hold for a brief moment, but it didn’t take you long to relax within her arms. She cried quietly into the crook of your neck, and you rubbed her back using your right hand, no matter how much it pained you to do so. Of course you tried to hide it from her, as your face scrunched up as you fought back a further wince.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered shakily, “I’m so-”

“No,” you managed a little feebly, your voice sounding a little more raspy than it did, before. She didn’t miss it, at all, as she held you at arm’s length, only then noticing the blood staining your vest. “Shit,” you cursed barely audibly, but she didn’t pay attention, a hurt look on her face as she rested her right hand subconsciously on top of your now even bloodier left one. “Cynth-”

“Why didn’t you-”

“I’m okay,” you managed timidly, but she scoffed, before hastily shaking her head, “I swear, I - I’m fine, baby, I-”

“You’re not okay,” she contradicted dejectedly, “Y/n, that - that’s a lot of blood.”

You sighed, before nodding gravely, but you didn’t dare meet her gaze again, knowing you’d most likely just break down alongside her, if you tried, and you wanted to stay stronger for her, no matter what, especially after what had just happened between her and her previous attacker.

“I guess it is,” you agreed reluctantly, “but I’ve handled it before; I can-”

“No, you’re not doing it alone,” she interjected softly, but in a manner so passionate you hardly had time to recover from how your heart skipped a beat in response to her decision, “I - yeah, I-.. I think I can do this.” She managed a faint smile, and you were helpless to stop your eyes from meeting her own. “I think I can help you,” she stated, and you would appear skeptical, but it didn’t take you long to begin feeling guilty in response to such a thought.

🜚

It didn’t take her long to stitch your wounds up - it was something she was used to having to do, now, ever since she’d become aquatinted with the area. Since the first accident, she took the required tools everywhere with her, especially since she knew what to do with them, being given many demonstrations before alongside her peers due to the fears of knife crime reaching further up the richer neighbourhoods the town was wielding a few hills away from this one.

Sure, it was still hard to move - you didn’t even care much to try. She insisted she stay with you that same night, her heart pounding blissfully alongside your own as she carefully held your body close to her’s, making sure to not touch the stitches she’d recently done for you. You sighed subconsciously, staring up at the stars above you both - nothing had ever been more beautiful, than the sight there right in front of you. Well, you’d be lying if you made such a claim, actually.

There was something more beautiful - someone. You tried to stop your gaze from drifting over to her, your heart still beating much too fast for you to gather your thoughts clearly. She shuddered, feeling your left hand brushing against her right one. This only prompted a wince from her, as she forgot how to breathe for a brief moment, trying not to show it too easily that you’d had such an effect on her.

“So-.. this - this might be a stupid question, but..” She began timidly, and you were helpless not to let your eyes fall upon the angel beside you. “Have you - Have you ever liked someone, but you’re too scared to say it?” She asked, and you would fall quiet, your heart skipping yet another beat after another.

It only made your face feel much too warm, to find her glancing back at you with a soft smile playing on her lips. Thank god for the darkness, maybe she wouldn’t be able to see that you might be blushing right now - at least, you hoped she couldn’t, somehow.

“Yes,” you answered simply, after a brief moment of damning hesitation.

She raised her eyebrows, your heart still pounding against your ribcage. She grinned, noticing that you were definitely trying to hide your face from her.

“And?” She pried, too curious for her own good.

You tried to appear none the wiser, shrugging as you looked blankly back at her.

“And - what?” You asked, as if you really had no clue as to what she was trying to pry out of you, right now, but she wasn’t about to give in - why would she, when she still hoped that maybe you could still be experiencing the very same feelings she was?

“You know what,” she insisted, but you scoffed, shaking your head as if you really didn’t, but she knew you were lying - your eyebrows furrowing was a very telling move you were deciding to play with her, “who was, or is it? Y’know, that you liked, or still like?”

You frowned, not sure if you should say. Even if you’d both been a little too familiar with one another recently, it still felt like a boundary you couldn’t break through - not yet, anyway. Her heart sank, as you turned away from her, especially when she was still afraid that maybe you’ll get yourself worse all over again, after only recently having your stitches done by her.

“Just go to sleep,” you answered dejectedly, and she tried not to protest, though she knew she should, especially when you sounded like it was something heavy weighing down upon you, when it didn’t necessarily need to be, whether you did, or didn’t feel the same way that she did, for you.

She rolled her eyes, before nodding gravely, and turning to face you properly so she could wrap her arms around your waist again. You tried not to tense up in response to the feeling of her arms being around you, but god was it hard for you to try and stop yourself from having any reaction whatsoever.

“Sure,” she replied reluctantly, though it wasn’t missed by you at all as she tried to make her voice too bright than she could muster, right now, “just - don’t you dare steal the blankets, tonight, okay? We’ve got a big day tomorrow, remember? Regardless of whether you’re well enough to keep the tradition going.”

Shit. It was only then that it hit you; you’d forgot about Friday - or, more well known as especially after she’d coined the term the first time you’d heard it from her: ‘Friyay’. You tried not to sigh - if you wanted to make things right, somehow, you knew that this could be your only chance - well, probably not, but you still wanted to treat it that way. You grinned, allowing your left hand to delicately close over her own.

“As if I’d ruin Friyays for us,” you remarked, and her heart skipped a beat a little - it always tended to, whenever you used that word: ‘us’, as if there was still a chance that maybe you held the same feelings for her that she did, for you. She allowed a soft exhale of relief to escape her, but only briefly, before she lovingly pressed a kiss to the left side of your neck - tomorrow would be a long, but beautiful day. One could only hope that it would be, anyway.

🜚🜸🜚

She woke up with a start, the next morning, half-expecting to see you gone from her side again, but this time you were still there beside her, and her heart had never felt so full before.

“G’morning,” she managed lazily, and you giggled softly, before you leaned forward to press a soft kiss to her lips.

She shuddered, and you smiled lovingly against her.

“Happy Friyay, Cynthy,” you cooed delicately, and she lifted her right hand up to your left cheek, the touch making you almost melt into her completely.

You only wished you could, at this point. She slowly sat up, though she’d rather remain by your side for the rest of the day - maybe even her life. She sighed, noticing the sky looking light enough to be the time she knew she had to head off by, to get back home in time for her sessions, today. You frowned, guessing exactly what was on her mind, except you wished you couldn’t, like you had, noticing the way her smile dropped just in time for your own heart to do so even before this reaction had befallen her.

“I just wish-..” She sighed, and you would falter, before shaking your head, and carefully wrapping your arms around her waist,

“Then - Then stay,” you requested, “baby, please, you can afford to-”

“If I don’t go, my parents - they’ll know something is wrong, okay? I can’t let them find out about us,” she stated determinedly, and you couldn’t stop the hurt from showing upon your face, only making her heart hurt even more than it ever had before, “they’d hurt you-”

“But-”

“Y/n, no,” she interjected sharply, but that didn’t stop her voice from being gentle, the way it usually tended to be, whenever she was around you the way that she was, now, “I’m not letting you get hurt, okay? I-.. you-.. shit.”

She appeared a little flustered, her face growing too hot as she tried to find the right words to say, but it was impossible, so instead she allowed herself to bow her head, even though you’d already noticed how much redder she was now, than she had been before.

“Are you blushing?” You questioned, your heart beginning to pound steadily against your ribcage again as she winced, before scoffing, and trying to shake her head convincingly, as if she really believed she weren’t, somehow.

“W-What? No!” She claimed, sounding much too breathless than she usually did. You knew you shouldn’t, but nothing could stop it now as you smirked subconsciously over at her, your eyes glinting with new purpose like they never had before, as long as it was her you were close to, more than anyone you’d ever met before. “Y/n,” she whined, and you raised your hands up in surrender playfully, as if you didn’t know what you were doing to her, right now, “why are you like this?”

You appeared puzzled, but the smile never left your face, even as your eyebrows furrowed quizzically again.

“Oh come on, Cynthy, I know you love me,” you responded teasingly, and she would fall quiet, her heart skipping a beat as her eyes briefly met your’s, and it almost felt like a brief hint of electricity was surging between you both, even when she bowed her head, and fidgeted anxiously with her fingers before you. “Hey, are you-”

A wave of dread passed between you, as shouting rang out from somewhere beyond the alleyway. She warily looked toward the dark entrance, appearing more alarmed than you’d ever seen her before.

“Y/n-” She began, but she hardly had time to continue before a strained sob escaped her lips at the piercing cry of another woman being shot most likely after trying to steal some bread from the local bakery, not too far away from here.

It had happened a few times, before, too. You didn’t hesitate to hold her body close to you, carefully covering her mouth using your right hand whilst making sure not to obscure it too much to the point that she couldn’t breathe.

“It’s okay,” you cooed softly, your voice a little shaky, whilst still being close to the faintest whisper, “everything’s going to be okay, I promise - she’ll be in a better place now; n-no more suffering, okay? Everything’s gonna be fine; I-..”

You frowned, before biting back your tongue, knowing you shouldn’t allow such words to escape your lips just yet; you doubted she’d want to hear them, no matter how much it truly pained you to think in such a manner as that was. It wasn’t long, before raspy cries and breaths began to die down. Once you were sure Cynthia had calmed down some more; just enough, you removed your hand, and she cried quietly into the crook of your neck, hugging your body close to her’s tightly as she tried not to let her own sobs come out louder than they should, right now.

“M-Maybe you’re right,” she murmured faintly, “I - I should stay with you, today, but-.. we’re gonna have to come up with the best lie anyone’s ever heard, before, alright? C-Can you help me with that, maybe?”

You grinned, before nodding, your forehead affectionately connected to her own again.

“With pleasure, Miss Hammond,” you replied lightly, and she couldn’t help, but giggle softly alongside you as she sniffled away the last of her fright and tears, but it didn’t stop her from harbouring at least some regrets, mostly centred around the fact that she still hadn’t told you that she loved you, yet, not even in the face of danger.

🜚

You wanted to make the day tolerable for her to the best of your ability, so you stole a pack of cards for her - sure, not the most romantic thing you could do, but you didn’t know much else about stuff like that. It didn’t stop her from beaming up at you as you snuck back into the alleyway, smirking sheepishly over at her as shouting erupted in the distance - most likely the disgruntled shop owner having a fit after you’d pulled off such a snatch.

She raised her eyebrows, noticing the pack within your hands. Before she could even open her mouth, you knew she would question you, but it seemed like she thought better of it, shrugging, before she pat the ground before her, and you timidly crouched down before her.

“Hey,” she began shyly, and you couldn’t help, but giggle softly in response to how small her voice sounded, as if she were still not used to being around you - although, you couldn’t talk, with your heart pounding anxiously within your chest at the very sight of her before you, all over again.

“Fancy seeing you here, again,” you replied brightly, your voice light as a feather, and she had to stop herself from leaning forward to kiss you again, no matter how hard it was for her to do so, right now, especially as your eyes began to glint the way they did as soon as they had locked with her own.

She never expected things to turn South, the way they did, but she guessed she should have known as soon as the question slipped her lips, right?

“Look, I - I wasn’t gonna ask, but - I was thinking, yesterday,” she began a little exasperatedly, fiddling with her fingers again as you sloppily opened the pack of cards, segregating the cards as needs be - well, depending on whatever game you both decided you wanted to play together, “why did you save me?”

You tensed up again, your heart skipping a beat as you winced, before slowly setting the pile of cards that remained down upon the ground between you and her.

“Why wouldn’t I?” You asked, your voice threatening to tremble, and she hesitated, a pained expression on her face, though she wanted more than anything to know what you might have been thinking, before, getting yourself stabbed like that just because she was in danger, the way that she was before.

“I-.. I don’t know, I just-.. don’t worry about it, let’s just - let’s just play, huh?” She encouraged, and you would try not to frown, glancing back down at the ground though it pained you to do so.

“Killer?” You suggested, and she shrugged, managing a too bright ‘sure’, before you began distributing the cards, not forgetting to shuffle them beforehand, of course, but the mood felt - off, after that moment, and you couldn’t deny that it hurt, feeling such a change in the air between you both, like you had, a brief moment ago.

You should have known it would have carried on the way it did, even by the end of the first game.

🜚

“Seriously?” You remarked, evidently a little exasperated as she set down another winning card, knocking you out of the game effectively given you had been on your freebie, the rocks you’d previously had being added to the reward pile between the two of you.

“What? I won, fair and square,” she commented, as if holding back a giggle, “why you looking at me like that, huh? Like I betrayed you, or something?”

“You lied,” you whined, “you know I’m a sore loser, at least be honest with me, Cynthy-”

“Oh, c’mon,” she complained knowingly, but her smile never went away alongside your own, “of course I lied, Y/n - do you think I’d actually tell you the truth if I had a good card, especially in the position I’m in, huh?”

You hesitated, before nodding gravely, and managing a faint smile up at her.

“You seem to like lying to me,” you mused, and she would falter, a pained expression on her face as she bowed her head, not sure what to think anymore, “but - hey, I - I erm-.. sorry, I.. I didn’t mean anything by that, I know I didn’t, I just-.. it’s fine, okay? I-.. I hope-.. I don’t know what I’m even saying, at this point, but-..” You winced, before appearing taken aback by an idea you’d just had - thank god it came to mind, though, before it could get any worse between you both, right now. “Hey, erm - you - d-d’you wanna have a Harry Potter Marathon?” You inquired, and she would appear surprised, too, alongside you - it was so random, but it didn’t take her a lot to think that it was cute, to see you in a flustered state such as this one, just because you wanted to go to great lengths for her, somehow, all for a reason unbeknownst to her, as of this moment in time.

“Y/n, what - what the hell? It’s 2am,” she reminded you, and you would appear taken aback by such a claim.

It didn’t even occur to you that such a possibility could be as ridiculous as it was, the sky still quite light above you, but you found yourself too distracted by her eyes to even care about times of day anymore.

“So?” You pried, in a dumbfounded manner.

She couldn’t help, but giggle, though she tried to hold it back, but it was much too hard right now, seeing the effect she seemed to have on you in person still, like this.

“I have school work to do, tomorrow,” she reminded you innocently, and your heart sank deeper than it ever had before - the look on your face was enough to make her own start aching deep within her chest, “Y/n-”

“Cynthy, I - I.. er-.. I really-.. I think we should-”

“Cynthia!” A deep voice shouted nearby, and you would fall quiet, a hurt look on your face as she wrapped her arms around you again, as if it had startled her to hear it, but something also made her feel as if it were an excuse for her to hold you again like she had, earlier.

“Shit,” she whispered, as the voice drew closer, her face pressed into the crook of your neck tightly, as if she were afraid of removing it from there ever again, after today, “I - I think that’s my dad - Y/n, I - I’m so sorry, I should-”

“No,” you whined, a hurt look on your face as you held her at arms length, “Cynth-”

“Cynthia!” He shouted again, a bit louder this time, as if he were trying to intimidate any unwanted creatures in the area, who weren’t his poor little daughter on the wrong side of town.

“I have to go,” she insisted, though her eyes began to glisten alongside your own, “I’m sorry, okay? I can’t let him find you; I-.. can’t let him find us, so-..”

“Right,” you murmured dejectedly, as you reluctantly removed your own arms from around her, as her’s lingered a second longer than they should have, at this point, “you’re-.. you’re right, I-.. I’m sorry, I - I should never have-.. have thought-..”

Her heart ached even more in response to how your face crumpled, but you didn’t let yourself break down, quickly bowing your head to try and keep the remaining tears in.

“Y/n, I-”

“There you are,” he interjected, but his voice didn’t take long to cut short as soon as his gaze fell upon the two of you still so close together, the cards you’d been playing with still spread out along the ground behind her, after she’d had to awkwardly cross them to get to you.

“Shit,” she began - not a great start, perhaps, as her father appeared taken aback by her use of such a term, “dad, I - I can explain, I swear, it’s not what it-”

“She was in trouble,” you murmured, and she couldn’t help it as she allowed her gaze to fall upon you again, her eyes even drifting down to your lips for a brief moment, but she knew she should try and cover it up as she winced, before rubbing her right eye using her hand as you tried to find the right words you could use to protect her again to the best of your ability, no matter what it meant for you, after today, “I stopped her from getting killed; you gotta take her back to where she belongs, now, okay? She’ll only ever get hurt here.”

Her heart dropped again as your glossy eyes met her own, and there were so many questions radiating off of her, ones you knew you’d probably never be able to answer, but you wished you could, as you got up off of the ground, but you guessed it should have occurred to you that he would have a gun on him, and he wasn’t afraid to use it, even in the most wrong of situations.

🜚

It didn’t take long for one of his bullets to escape from the barrel, but he guessed he wasn’t expecting Cynthia to take it on instead of you. She cried out as soon as it hit her, and you fell quiet behind her, a pained expression on your face as you looked behind you to find her leaning heavily against the wall to her right.

“Cynthy!” You cried, but her father would raise his gun again, and you didn’t know what to do, warily looking back at her as she silently begged you to run, and never look back. “No,” you whined, but you found yourself lost for much of a choice, as he made to pull down the trigger again, and the only thing you knew you could do to stay alive for her was run - and that was exactly what you did for her.

🜚

Later that night, with questions still circling her mind, Cynthia lay in her bed awkwardly, one arm draped over her left side, where the bullet had previously embedded itself. Even then, all she could think about was how she hoped you were safe, somewhere far from here, wherever that might be. A part of her even dreaded to think what might happen, if she never saw you again. She would never have expected it, how a small pebble hit her window, and she was distracted from her previous thoughts of you, and how she wished she could have done more, somehow, to stay with you, without him almost getting you killed, alongside her.

She winced, groaning as she sat up slowly, anxiously looking toward her bedroom window as she wondered if maybe the pebble was just a figment of her wounded imagination, but a second one came shortly after, and she had no doubts anymore. Her hands shook a little, as she pushed herself up off of the bed, gritting her teeth as her side throbbed excruciatingly beneath the bandages her father had had the local doctors apply shortly after he’d had the bullet embedded within her, anyway.

She slowly limped toward it, narrowing her eyes as she wondered what could be awaiting her, beyond her room. She only hoped her dad was still asleep, especially when she noticed that you’d climbed up halfway the house to get to the window she stood before.

“Fuck,” you uttered, grazing your right elbow, but it didn’t deter you as you pushed yourself a little further up, the fingers of your right hand still gripping onto one of the branches of the tree beside you. You only stopped, when you saw her looking down at you, her eyes glinting like the very stars above you both. You couldn’t help, but smile, your heart skipping a beat, but you knew you couldn’t get distracted as you reminded yourself of your position, gripping onto the windowsill above you, before you gesticulated toward the small balcony between her bedroom, and her father’s.

She didn’t hesitate, knowing exactly what you wanted her to do as she carefully pushed herself toward the door of her bedroom, no longer feeling her wound paining her the way that it was, before - not whilst she was thinking about you, anyway.

“Y/n-? W-What are you-?” She faltered at the door; you hadn’t made it, yet, and she winced, limping toward the railing sealing off the ledges, but she couldn’t see you - not until you finally had your arms around her, and were pressing your face delicately into the crook of her neck.

“Don’t move,” you whispered delicately, and her eyelids fluttered shut as you softly pressed your lips to her neck, only making it all the more harder to breathe than it was, before.

“Y/n,” she cooed, but you wouldn’t pull away; you’d missed holding her, like this, and you didn’t want to leave her alone again like you’d had to, earlier, “you shouldn’t be here-”

“Well I am here, aren’t I? Baby-”

“Stop,” she interjected dejectedly, and you would falter, a pained expression on your face as you reluctantly stopped, your heart dropping alongside the smile that had previously intruded upon your lips, the way it did a brief moment ago, “Y/n, we - we can’t be-.. this isn’t-..” She grunted, evidently frustrated. “Fuck, don’t you remember what I told you, the first time?” She asked, and you frowned, because of course you remembered; everything you’d ever heard her say stuck with you more than PVA glue ever could. “If we’re going to keep seeing each other like this, and - and keep being - y’know-.. involved, I guess, then-.. I want some clarity, okay? Can you do that, for me? Or are we gonna keep being something I’ll never be able to figure out, huh?” She questioned, and you would draw in a barely audible shaky breath, your fingers trembling as you bowed your head, knowing that if there was any good time you could tell her, maybe this would be the right slot to try within.

“Cynthy-”

“Cynthia?” Her father’s voice rang out again somewhere within the house, sounding too close for comfort as you tensed up again, before rushing up toward the door, and pulling yourself up onto the roof of their home.

She didn’t know why she felt so empty, when you were further away from her again; she couldn’t even reach you, anymore. She sighed, turning away from the door even as her father began walking toward it, before he stood in the doorway a few paces behind her.

“What do you want?” She uttered, leaning heavily against the railing before her as he winced, rubbing the back of his neck as he tried to find the right words to say in such a situation.

“Look, sweetheart, I - I’m sorry,” he began again slowly, but she scoffed, subconsciously shaking her head as she stared blankly down at the ground, her eyebrows furrowing a little as her eyes grew to be glossy all over again. “I was trying to get her, not you; you can’t trust the people down there - she could have easily-”

“She saved me,” she spat, and the bitterness came out so much fresher than it ever had before, “she would never-”

“And how would you know what she intended to do to you?” He pried sharply; a warning, but she didn’t heed it; she didn’t care anymore. She wouldn’t let him put you down like that, not for anything in the world. Not that there was anything much left within it for her to care about anymore, besides you. “It sounds to me like you care very deeply for this girl - maybe too much, how about that?” He asked, and you would tense up, as her heart began to pound too loud within her chest; she only hoped he couldn’t hear it, although she wanted nothing but to be able to scream her feelings for you upon every rooftop in each town.

Each country, even - if only she could, somehow.

“How about you mind your own business, huh?” She retorted, as she turned sharply to face him, even as her side began to burn all over again. “If she wanted to kill me, or - or do whatever to me - she would have done it, right then and there, right? She would have-”

“You’re tired,” he uttered gravely, not wanting to hear anymore, “go back to bed.”

She hastily shook her head, a hurt look on her face as she anxiously looked up at you, only briefly; she knew she couldn’t get you into trouble again, not for anything. No matter what.

“Fine,” she spat, though she wished she could keep fighting for you, somehow, without having you both almost get killed again, “just-.. leave me alone, already, okay?”

She pushed herself to meander around him, and your heart throbbed excruciatingly within your chest as she went, but you weren’t ready to give in just yet. You’d get to her, somehow, even if it killed you, in the end.

🜚🜸🜚

You didn’t expect the days to pass by as fast as they did, and it certainly pained you to find that they were the darkest days of your life, each one full of excruciating memories whenever you were reminded of the current situation at hand here; she was still being guarded by her father, and it was becoming increasingly hard to see her. You grunted, pushing yourself off of the wall behind you as you put out the cigarette you’d been smoking previously; you said you were gonna quit, but what exactly was the point of doing so, now?

You also said that there would be no more withdrawals, as the woman before you smirked up at you after she’d finally had done with you. You needed something to think clearly, and what better way to let other ‘undesirables’ of society like yourself get you to where you needed to be, as long as you could think about Cynthia as they did. They didn’t ask questions, if ever her name slipped your lips unintentionally. You sighed, forcing a smile back down at her, meandering around her awkwardly before she could lean upward and kiss you like she looked like she tried to.

You probably sounded like you were a bad person, but that’s okay. You decided what to do with your life, nobody else could dictate that thoroughly for you - well, nobody else, but her. You were still scared to think about the lengths you would go to for Cynthia, no matter what the situation behind your actions might be.

“You don’t like me, do you?” The woman inquired, and you would fall quiet, evidently surprised as you looked back at her, your heart sinking a bit - okay, so maybe you did sometimes feel guilty like any normal person would, but you didn’t like to show it a lot of the time, so it hit you harder especially when none of the other women you’d got involved with had never asked questions about your distant demeanour before.

“Why? Do you like me?” You questioned, and she would hesitate, before sighing, and beginning to re-dress herself alongside you.

“As a person, not really,” she admitted, and you shrugged; that was fine - you didn’t much like yourself as a person, either, so you guessed it was to be expected, especially from other people, “but your body? Sure. I just wish you’d be a little nicer about it.”

You would appear puzzled, your eyebrows furrowing as you sat down upon the sheet you usually slept on, as well as sometimes used in your sessions with Cynthia. You’d never used it with other women, however - a part of you wouldn’t let you, and you didn’t know why, but you guessed some things were better off just unknown, right?

“What do you mean?” You inquired, curious.

She raised her eyebrows in your direction, before scoffing, and slowly inching closer to you. You didn’t miss how she looked you up and down again, as she did, as if sizing you up still even after you’d both gotten intimate with one another, a few brief moments ago, now.

“You really don’t see it, do you?” She mused, a thoughtful expression on her face you’d never noticed before during each of your and her interactions, before now. Not even during the particularly heated ones, not that they were as frequent as your moments with Cynthia were, before now. “Maybe that’s for the better, huh?” She giggled lowly, before pressing a sloppy kiss to your left cheek, after you’d turned your face a little to avoid her lips touching your’s again - it only made things hurt a bit more than they should, right now.

You sighed gravely, once she’d disappeared around the corner; you needed to stop losing control of yourself, like that, if you wanted to keep Cynthia beside you, but at the same time you knew you’d both not exactly made any commitments, yet, and who was to say then that she wasn’t seeing people behind your back, too? The thought hurt in two ways, one made you angry at yourself for even assuming she’d do that to you, while the other part of you was jealous and achey at the thought of her being with anyone else, besides you.

You bowed your head, blinking back tears as you rubbed the back of your neck using your shaky right hand; you’d make a vow, starting today, to never let yourself get involved with other women like yourself again, if they weren’t Cynthia, if she even still wanted to be with you, from this point onwards.

🜚🜸🜚

The vow was hard to keep, especially whenever you felt like you were losing her. Sometimes, it even felt like she was distancing herself from you, one day or two not showing up at all within the alleyway you both tended to meet up in. Your heart dropped whenever you thought about how things were changing, but you guessed you didn’t blame her - if she wanted things to change, then you were happy, as long as she was happy.

There were oftentimes you could only think about one thing: you wished you had told her about your true feelings for her, before it felt as if it were too late for you to do so. Little did you know, she too wished she could do the same thing, but she was terrified of what you might say, or do; how it might break things up between you both, like her father had been trying to do so recently, even going to the extent of driving her to and fro between their house, and the school she was having to go to for her private courses.

You found it hard to move, too, whenever you thought about how things were; you didn’t know why - who would? Things just hurt too much, when they weren’t with her. You often cried quietly as you curled up upon your sheet, trying not to let it show too much the pain that you were in, for fear of what it would make the others think of you, now. Times of self pleasure didn’t do much to increase your mood or will to live anymore either, especially not whenever you were thinking of her again; the way she touched you; smiled at you.

A lot of it became a blur. You tried to push through it, but it became too much, eventually.

🜚

The self-harm and withdrawals came when Winter started showing signs of arriving, again. The air was full of a bitter chill, and snow occasionally came down in icy lumps or little crystals. You’d recently heard that there was going to be some sort of typical prom going on at her college, but she hadn’t told you, herself. She’d claimed she didn’t want to go, but she looked worried when she told you, after you’d asked her about it, shortly after you’d heard ongoing conversations here and there the further up town you worked around, mostly by thieving and - sometimes - allowing yourself to lose control again on the worst of days; she wasn’t around much anymore, so what else could you do?

You couldn’t sit around and cry all the time; it wouldn’t be keeping her safe, the way you wished you could, no matter how much it hurt to do so in the process.

“Hey,” she’d managed timidly one time, after peeking her head around the alleyway, before she slipped into it upon noticing you fidgeting with one of the pen-knives you’d stolen from some fancy place you couldn’t remember the name of up there, “s-sorry I’m late, I was just-”

“Don’t worry about it,” you managed, a faint smile tugging at the corners of your lips as you set the blade down, before getting up to wrap your arms around her. She, too, couldn’t resist a smile as she returned the embrace, wondering how she’d survived all those times without you beside her, like you were now. “I-.. I missed you, Cynthy, I always-..” You fell quiet, noticing an awkward figure lingering at the entrance, her eyes occasionally darting between you both, before they flicked toward the road behind her. Your heart dropped, but you didn’t dare make too much of a scene out of the moment. “You brought a friend, huh?” You guessed, the smile becoming a lot more forced, now.

Cynthia frowned, remembering the girl, as well as her manners, alongside her.

“Shit, sorry,” she managed a little exasperatedly, as she turned half-way, encouraging the figure to come closer than she was, right now, “Y/n, this - this is Stella, and - obviously, Stella, this is Y/n.”

Stella awkwardly shuffled upon her feet, a faint smile forming on her lips once your gaze had briefly met her’s.

“Hey,” you greeted awkwardly, as well as a little dismissively; this wasn’t something you were that used to doing, still, especially not around her, too.

“Hi,” the girl replied, before offering her right hand to you, and you would tilt your head partially, not sure exactly what she was trying to do, but you reluctantly allowed your hand to meet her’s, looking all the more perplexed as she began to move it up and down a little, before withdrawing her own from your’s again, “it - it’s really nice to meet you; I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“That’s funny,” you remarked a little bitterly, though it made you feel bad to do so, eventually, no matter how much you tried to hide it from the two of them, your heart aching a little at the reflection of your demeanour where it certainly was more than uncalled for, “‘cause this is the first time I’m finding out about you - right, Cynthy?”

She tensed up a little in response to your comment, whilst Stella looked a tad bit dejected to hear such a revelation.

“Y/n-” Cynthia began timidly as she eased you aside, Stella awkwardly taking a few steps back, acknowledging that this was probably supposed to be a private moment between you both, not meant for her own ears, regardless of whatever the context of such a matter might be.

“Two weeks,” you uttered dejectedly, and her heart dropped in response to your words; how small your voice had gotten all of a sudden as if all that remained of you was a shell of yourself, now, ever since you’d lost her like you felt as if you had, all those days ago, now, “so it takes you two weeks, and god knows how many hours to come back here like nothing changed, huh? What am I to you? Just - Just some fucking play toy for you to pick up whenever you want to? Why, Cynth? Why did you-?”

“I didn’t have a choice,” she interjected a little shakily, as if she were aching with it still like you were, too, so many parts of her threatening to break down alongside you that it was verging on being crazy, at this point, but what could be done to stop it? You wished for so many things, the top 3 being everything to do with her. The last thing had been you wanted to die, but now it was steadily crawling up the list faster than anything ever had, before. “Y/n, please, don’t - don’t be like this; I’m here, now, I-”

“Sure, you’re here,” you murmured, before you scowled subconsciously toward Stella again, “but you could have warned me about your friend before-.. never-mind; it - it doesn’t matter, so-.. let’s just-”

“I - I can go, if - if that’s what you guys need, right now? I mean-..” Stella winced at herself, before cursing quietly, and shaking her head as if she’d given up on something unbeknownst to the two of you.

“No, it - it’s fine, honestly,” Cynthia reassured her gently, and it made you burn to see the way she smiled at her, your hands threatening to ball into fists at your sides in response to such a sight, “we just-.. haven’t talked in a little while, I guess, so-..”

“Oh,” Stella responded thoughtfully, “r-right, sorry.”

Cynthia hesitantly looked back toward you, a pained expression on her face as she tried to find the right words to say, but her voice failed her almost completely, especially when she noticed how red your eyes had gotten, recently. You bowed your head a little subconsciously, before trying to swallow back the lump that formed within your throat - now wasn’t the time for breaking down over the smallest of things all over again, so you tried to stand a little taller, forcing a smile over at the both of them.

She almost believed it, if she didn’t know you as well as she did, by now. She guessed that was why everything hurt, like it did then, as you meandered swiftly around her, and gently pat Stella’s shoulder as if she were more to you than she was, already, even though you’d only just met one another, at this point.

“Make yourself at home,” you cooed a little too sweetly, your voice still threatening to crack as you gently squeezed her shoulder, before finally withdrawing your left hand from her, “any friend of Cynthy’s is a friend of mine, I guess.”

Stella appeared a little more at ease at that, managing a faint smile back at you - it was almost enough to make Cynthia feel the forming spiral of the beginnings of what could be jealousy, even though it was only a minor interaction between you and her. And hardly much of what a warm one would look like, at that. It eased her, too, to remind herself of what it looked like; you being genuine, whenever the two of you were together, before this moment in time.

“Thank you,” the girl managed, “that - that means a lot to me.”

You couldn’t deny you’d had a few too many interactions with her after that day, too, regardless of how much she made you hate her for her sudden relationship with Cynthia, the way that you did, then.

🜚🜸🜚

“I, uh-.. I think I’m in love with you,” she claimed one day, you faltering as you winced, and rolled your eyes, though it did make you feel a little guilty to do so once it was done, even though she hadn’t seen it happen when it did.

Moments like these only made you ache for Cynthia more than you ever had before, but you doubted she’d ever want to see you again, now, after your and her previous interaction.

“Is that right?” You mused, and Stella appeared a little nervous as she awaited a further response from you, hopefully maybe an ‘I love you too’? You did try, but the words stuck right there in your throat; they weren’t ready to come out yet, especially not when they were waiting to reach Cynthia’s ears, instead of her’s. Stella appeared a little dejected at your hesitations, visible as they were, right now, you trying your best not to stutter and break down, right then and there before her, but you didn’t know what else to do, right now. Things had just been - difficult… to control recently, to say the least. “Cool,” you managed, eventually, and her heart sank even further than it ever had before.

“Is that it? You - You just think it’s ‘cool’, huh?” She uttered, and you would sigh, before turning begrudgingly to face her completely, your gaze avoiding her own subconsciously as if you were afraid of her seeing right through you, somehow.

“I mean, it - it is cool, so - y’know,” you murmured awkwardly, shuffling upon your feet, as she warily got up off of the ground to wrap her arms around your waist. You flinched at her touch, though you tried to disguise it with a cough, but it was evidently not enough, as she smiled sadly over at you, withdrawing her arms again from around you. “Stella,” you began, but she shook her head dejectedly, and you knew better than to continue, especially when you noticed the hurt look on her face telling you you’d done enough to hurt her, by now, though you’d not exactly intended to do so.

“You love her, don’t you?” She guessed, her voice close to a faint whisper, and you would try and act none the wiser, though you knew exactly who she might be talking about, right now, your heart skipping a beat enough to take your breath away for a brief moment, at least.

“Who?” You questioned, narrowing your eyes over at her as you tried to appear dumbfounded, but it didn’t escape her that your eyes had begun to glisten, even as you bowed your head to try and hide that they were doing so, right now.

“Don’t play stupid with me, Y/n,” she practically pleaded with you, only making you feel worse as you grunted, before turning away to start buttoning up your shirt again like you were doing, before she’d interrupted you doing so, a brief few moments ago. “I know you know who I’m talking about,” she uttered, her voice briefly trembling, but you didn’t dare glance back at her, “Cynthia - you love her; I know you do-”

“I’ve never loved anyone,” you retorted dismissively, “I don’t know why you’d even think that I’d-”

“So this is what you’ve been doing, huh?” A too familiar voice rang out behind you both, and you’d never felt anything like the pain you did in that moment; it was like something was shattering within you, and you couldn’t stop it, no matter how much you tried to recompose yourself in that moment, your hands even shaking with it as you let slip the top button from your fingers.

“Cynthy,” you whispered subconsciously, before timidly turning to face her, Stella a dejected look on her face again as she bowed her head, not sure what to say anymore.

“I thought-.. Stell, you - you said-” She began again, her voice faint as she gradually began to put things together, looking between the both of you with a hurt look on her face, especially when her gaze fell upon you for longer than it should have. “You, too?” She scoffed, before she shrugged, and tried to laugh through it, but it was too shaky to be anything, but full of a pain you wished you could take away from her, somehow. “I guess I should have known better than to trust either of you, huh?” She spat, before making to walk away, but you didn’t hesitate to follow after her, even almost stumbling over your own feet as you caught her right arm gently, prompting her to falter in place for a moment as soon as she felt the familiar spark of electricity between you both again - not like it meant much, anyway, she reminded herself as she grimaced tearfully down at the ground beneath you both.

“C-Cynthy, wait, p-please,” you begged, sounding too exasperated to be anything, but calm, right now, “I - I can explain, I swear-”

“No, it - it’s fine,” she murmured, forcing a smile back at you, and you couldn’t explain how much it made you want to tear your heart out, seeing the layers of pain she was trying to hide away from you, right then, and there, as if she doubted you could see her the way that she could actually see you, too, “we haven’t made any - commitments, right? I’m just-.. tired, I guess; it’s been a long day, right?”

You subconsciously shook your head, your heart throbbing excruciatingly within your chest as she carefully withdrew her arm from your hold, no matter how much it pained her to do so, right now.

“Cynthy-”

“I’ll see you around, okay?” She interjected softly, but you wanted her to scream at you; to hit you - do anything to hurt you, like you’d hurt her.

You tried to inch closer to her, but she moved away as fast as she possibly could, and you guessed it did hurt, but the knife in your heart wasn’t enough to make you feel any better about the situation at hand, here.

“Wait, please, don’t - don’t do this, I-”

“What? Don’t leave, after-?” She fell quiet, before she sighed heavily, and shrugged her anger off to the best of her ability, again. “Whatever, it - it doesn’t matter, anyway; you can do whatever you want, okay? Besides, you don’t need me here right now, right? You have Stella, remember?” Stella looked like she wanted to interject, too, but she couldn’t find the right words to say as Cynthia smiled weakly back at you. “I’ll see you guys around, okay? Just-.. I hope you guys’ll be happy, alright? No matter what you decide, now,” she concluded, her voice sounding strained again as she quickly turned her face away again, not wanting you to see that she was still trying not to cry, as a result of the situation at hand, here.

You didn’t know what to do, as she forced a final smile up at you, her eyes glistening painfully, before she pushed herself to continue walking down the street; the way she came, before, her heart aching with every step she took, but she guessed she shouldn’t be mad about it, right? She even wondered if maybe she should do it, too, but no matter how much she tried, it always felt wrong, especially when you began to catch her with other women, too.

🜚🜸🜚

The first time was okay; she trusted her pick as Olivia - another girl attending the private college she was in, alongside her - pressed her gently (with some hint of urgency) into the nearest restroom, before she eased Cynthia into one of the stalls, the two having to occasionally stop kissing just to ensure they didn’t bump into anything more than they had, already. It was quick - it had to be; maybe that was why she didn’t enjoy it so much as she usually did, whenever it was with you.

The second time was a little rougher; she’d started going to the student bar more often, and that was where she met Jamie. The girl was leaning heavily against the bar, giggling with her friends, before her gaze fell upon Cynthia, and lingered upon her a second too long, or so. Cynthia smiled timidly back at her, before slowly making her way toward the bar, keeping enough distance between her and the other girl as needs be, to avoid any suspicion from her friends, at all.

It was when she felt Jamie’s hand upon her left inner thigh that she knew she would be the next one. There’d been two occurrences between them, one in the too hot toilet within the bar, where Jamie left Cynthia abruptly after the two had finished with one another, whilst the second had been a little more unexpected. She never thought Jamie would hurt her, but she guessed she didn’t know a lot about her, so what did she expect?

She sighed, uncomfortably rubbing at the bruises alongside her right side; it was hard to move, even, without them paining her the way they had been, previously, ever since their last session together.

“Fuck,” she whispered a little shakily, before pulling herself back up off of the ground, but she was still a little tipsy, and nausea befell her faster than her conscious could. She cried quietly, occasionally throwing up quite violently as she did, but she couldn’t take it back; she needed to be a little more careful, next time, if there even was one.

It was no surprise that there was, but she never expected you to be there in part for it. She’d dumped Jamie; had been talking less and less to Olivia, but still nothing felt any better than it was, before. She’d begun experimenting some more, mainly where drugs were concerned. It was another girl from the bar - Shona, she believed her name was, who introduced her to the stuff. Shona liked to call it ‘Mummy’s Powder’; the first time she heard it, it flustered her - she couldn’t deny that, but shortly after that moment there was no more thinking, as Shona led her prey outside, the two giggling as the girl pressed her against the wall, nibbling at her neck sweetly.

She thought Shona cared about her, the way she handled her as delicately as she did, that night, even helping her back to her parent’s house as her head throbbed, and body ached still as the drugs, alongside her previous high, slowly wore off of her. She remembered hearing Shona giggling with her as she almost tripped over her own feet again; how she thought her laugh was pretty, but she couldn’t deny that something still felt - wrong, about what she was doing.

A part of her was still empty, somehow, even before her blurry gaze fell upon the figure stood a few paces away from the two.

“Who’s that?” Shona inquired, her bright voice and giggle dying down a little, and Cynthia couldn’t take the silence, even missing the girl’s laughter as she narrowed her eyes dejectedly in your direction.

It was painful, the way your heart just sank hopelessly as you stepped back for a brief moment, holding the flowers you’d managed to buy for her behind your back, still. She winced, her head paining her the more she tried to think, so she gave up, and smiled weakly over at the girl still holding her up the way that she was, now.

“Don’t worry about it,” she managed, her words threatening to stumble over one another as her ears even began to ring a little uncomfortable, “l-let’s just get to the door, and I’ll be fine from there.”

“You’re sure?” Shona asked, and Cynthia nodded half-heartedly, even as she smiled sadly over at the girl, awkwardly stumbling alongside her down the pathway as you forced your gaze away from them, wondering why nothing had ever hurt as much as it did, now.

You scoffed, trying to harden yourself again as you pressed yourself to walk back the way you came, until you remembered the flowers again, and reluctantly looked back toward the house she’d disappeared into, by now, Shona long gone from where she’d last been stood, previously, before you. Your expression faltered, your heart skipping yet another painful beat, before you encouraged yourself to walk back up toward the estate, until you’d got close enough to leave the flowers by the gate, the note you’d attached to them saying you loved her flapping about in the wind like a fish out of water.

It didn’t make the pain ease up, though, like you’d hoped it would, maybe. Not when you still hadn’t been able to get the words out, verbally, before her. You sighed a little shakily, trying to force back the tears that began to cloud your vision again, before you took off back down the street - if anyone saw you, you knew they’d start asking questions again, and it didn’t exactly go well for you, last time, as long as you could still recall it, the way you did a lot more often, now.

Maybe that was why the nightmares started, that same night, but you didn’t blame her for them. There was only yourself to blame for the way that she had begun to change, now.

🜸🜚🜸

You found it hard to do much, after that; after you felt like you’d lost her, that day. You were curled up upon your sheet again, staring tearfully over at the brick wall to your right, wondering why you were even bothering with anything anymore. You sighed a little exasperatedly again, as you tried to stop thinking about her, but there was not a lot you could do, now, even as the woman from before appeared a little worried at seeing you in such a state, shortly after she’d peeked around the corner, and into the alleyway you often stayed within, ever since you were - well, smaller, now.

“Being lazy, again?” She guessed, and you grunted, before burying your face into your right arm, and rolling your eyes as you silently hoped she would go away, soon, and give you some more space to breathe, though it was hard to do even something as simple as that, now.

“Not right now, Suze,” you uttered, “just - just leave me alone, okay? Please-”

“But-”

“Suzi,” you spat, and she would wince, stopping in place as you scowled over at her, but it didn’t take long for your expression to crumple again, and her heart would sink at such a sight as you shook your head gravely, before turning your face away from her again, not that it would do much in your favour, now. “I-”

“Look, I know there’s something wrong,” she cooed softly, before she crouched down before you, but you didn’t dare glance up at her, even as she held your hands delicately within her own, “and I know I said I don’t like you as a person, before, but-.. maybe I can, if you’re honest with me, for once - just-.. talk to me, please.”

You hesitated, before you glanced dejectedly up at her again.

“Why? W-Why would you even care if-?” You faltered, as she shook her head slowly, and you knew it wasn’t your place to pose such a question, right now.

“You know why,” she answered gently; slowly, so you could try and process each of her words one at a time, especially in the state that you found yourself in, right now, “we’re sick of seeing you miserable - seriously, what’s your deal - huh? We’re used to you scowling around at us, sure, but this is just-.. unlike you, I know it is, so - c’mon, from one so-called ‘undesirable’ to another - what’s bugging at you, sweetheart?”

You grunted, wishing she’d just give up on you, at this point; you’d not been exactly good to her, either. You sighed, shrugging, as you looked anywhere, but over at her, your heart pounding uncomfortably within your chest as she waited patiently for you to talk to her. You didn’t know if you could hold yourself together much longer, though, as you sniffled a little, and tried to hide it pathetically as you coughed unconvincingly into your hands, but still she gave you time, and still you couldn’t imagine why.

You half-expected her to kill or rob you, right then and there, seeing you at your weakest point, but she didn’t dare exploit you like that, especially not when she’d been suffering alongside you here for a little while, now.

“It’s just-.. stupid; n-nothing important, so-”

“Right,” she interjected, and you tried to hide that her response had relieved you, until she decided to continue again, “so you’re spitting bullshit again, I see - look, if you’re just going to lie to me, at least try and be convincing - jeez-”

“I didn’t ask for you to come and question me on nothing that important, okay? Look, I just-.. I’d rather be alone, right now, so-”

“I can see that,” she stated plainly, a blank expression on her face, “but I can see right through you, Y/n - you need help, and I think maybe if you tried to do one honest thing in your entire lifetime, we could help you. So, what’ll it be? Are you gonna sit here and suffer all day, or are you gonna actually confide in us, for once? Hm?”

You hesitated, your eyes briefly meeting her’s, but you didn’t have much time to think about it, especially when you heard a familiar cry ringing out somewhere not too far from the alleyway. Nothing had ever made your heart stop like that scream did, right then are there, but you didn’t think about it, not that you could, as you meandered around her, taking off around the corner, but part of you regretted it, while the other just filled you with hatred all over again.

🜸

You guessed you should have known better, stopping where you did in the alleyway, Cynthia half-naked a few paces away from you as a familiar girl laid at her feet, bleeding out onto the gravel beneath them both. She shook against the wall, tears leaking down her cheeks as you warily approached her, a pained expression on your face.

“Cynthy-”

“No-!” She cried, her voice shaking as she recoiled from you, her heart pounding uncomfortably within her chest as your heart dropped in response to such a reaction from her.

“It’s okay,” you cooed, “Cynthy, please-”

“Shut up!” She spat, before leaning down to pick up a shard of glass laying upon the ground, and you didn’t miss the splatter of red already staining it, somehow, your gaze briefly flicking down toward the body again as if you were piecing things together, already. “Just - Just shut up, okay!?” She practically pleaded with you, and you faltered, as she held the shard up in front of her as if to try and defend herself from you; as if she hadn’t recognised you yet, somehow. “I - I didn’t-.. it wasn’t-.. I-” Her breathing grew steadily heavier and more panicked; raspy, as if she were on the verge of a panic attack as a result of what was going on, here, at this point.

It made you ache, to see her like this. Especially when you knew it was your fault, more than her’s.

“Cynthy, it - it’s okay, I-.. It’s fine,” you cooed gently, inching closer to her slowly, but surely, her hands shaking as she watched you, her eyes wide, and bottom lip trembling as she tried not to break down any further then she already had, somehow. “Everything’s okay,” you continued softly, “everything’s gonna be okay, I promise, I-.. I’m here for you; I love-” You winced, realising the words had almost escaped your lips again. But fuck it, you wanted nothing more, but to do everything you could, for her. “I love you, Cynthia,” you managed weakly, and she didn’t know what to do as she tensed up, not sure how to explain how she felt in that moment, her heart still pounding against her rib cage as you carefully eased the shard from her fingers, before chucking it back onto the ground where it was, before. “I’m here, baby, a-and I’ll - I’ll always be here, I promise, I-.. I’ll never leave you, okay?” You whispered, as you affectionately connected your forehead to her own, all whilst she subconsciously clung to you, pressing her face into the crook of your neck as she sniffled barely audibly, her body shaking against your own as if she were a deer stuck in headlights, somehow. “I love you, okay?” You repeated delicately, and she tried not to nod, not sure what to believe anymore, by now.

“Why - Why are you doing this?” She asked, her voice cracking as she held you at arm’s length, a little speck of blood on her right cheek. “Y/n-”

“Cynthy-”

“Why?” She pressed, and her voice broke you, small as it was during that moment in time.

“You know why-”

“Bullshit,” she spat, through gritted teeth, before she made to begin pulling her jeans back on, and it was then that you remembered the state she was in, and your heart skipped a beat, but you weren’t the type to hurt her like they would; you couldn’t, and even thinking about how the others would do so made the pain hurt even more than it ever had, before.

“I love you, Cynthy - I - I always have, I-.. I’ve never not loved you, okay? I - I was just scared of what you might think, if I-”

“It’s too late,” she uttered, though it pained her to make such a claim, her heart aching as she stared solemnly back at you, her heart pounding steady within her chest again, “I don’t want you anymore, okay? I never-.. you’re nothing to me, a-and that’s never gonna change, now. Just - let me live my life, and I’ll let you get on with your’s, whatever you decide to do with it.” She meandered around you, but she stopped briefly at the opening of the alleyway, the fingers of her right hand trailing along the wall subconsciously as if she were still deciding whether she should stay, or not, regardless of what had just happened, a brief moment ago now. “Oh yeah,” she continued a little harder, while her voice sounded a tad bit brighter than before, despite the way it cracked toward the end of her sentence, “say ‘hi’ to Stella from me, will you? Thanks.”

And with that, she was gone, and you’d never felt so lost before.

🜚🜸🜚

“You’re kind of beautiful,” Cynthia remarked a little teasingly as she leaned heavily, but no less composed, against the student bar, the girl to her right raising her eyebrows as she smirked a little cockily back at her.

“Kind of?” She questioned, and Cynthia giggled softly, bowing her head for a brief moment as she - maybe a tad bit suggestively? - brushed her hips against the counter once or twice.

“Sure, for the purposes of tonight - maybe you are,” she began again, and the girl appeared a little skeptical of her, her smile fading a little, as Cynthia winced, realising she might be doing the whole ‘seductive badass’ thing wrong, at this point, “what do you think you are?”

“I-.. need to go and meet someone, sorry,” the girl answered a little dismissively, before she quickly disappeared back into the crowd of people behind her.

Cynthia sighed, not sure what to do as she looked around a little apprehensively, waiting for someone else she could try her new game on. It did hurt her, though, to think in such a way; to think she was just trying to rid herself of the emptiness, so she tried not to think at all about it, her eyes glinting when she noticed Shona enter the bar after the previous girl had gone out before her. She didn’t need to think much, making to go over to her, until she noticed that she wasn’t - in fact - alone, like she’d hoped she might be.

Her heart dropped when she noticed the red-haired girl who was holding her hand, and she wondered why she’d ever thought that maybe she meant something to her. She gritted her teeth, before bowing her head again, and awkwardly turning back toward the countertop.

“Cynthy.” She faltered, her every defence dropping as your voice rang out behind her. She panicked, her eyes widening as she held you at arms length, her heart pounding uncomfortably against her ribcage.

“Y/n!? What the fuck are you doing here?” She whisper-shouted, and you couldn’t help but smile timidly back at her, your eyes getting so easily lost in her’s as she admired you subconsciously, noticing you were wearing a lot more comfortable attire than she’d ever seen you in, before. “W-What the hell? How is this even happening, right now? Y/n-”

“It’s a long story,” you managed, eventually, and she fell quiet, before nodding slowly, and trying to re-compose herself.

“Okay, well, that-.. that’s - something, I guess? But-..” She lowered her voice, knowing she had to be careful with you here, amongst the others, now - somewhere you and people like yourself were currently hated by most, excluding herself. “C’mon, we can talk through here,” she began again, before leading you hastily out the back door when she hoped nobody was looking, her heart never ceasing to pound over and over again alongside your own, “okay, t-this should be-.. yeah, this should be good.” She looked around awkwardly again, before smiling awkwardly back at you, blood rushing up to her cheeks as she did. “Okay - explain,” she began again a little exasperatedly, “just - make it quick, just in case.”

You appeared a little nervous, and it made her heart skip a beat to see you so scared, like you finally were, now.

“I - I-.. erm-.. I just wanted..” You sighed, and she tilted her head partially, finding herself glancing down at your lips again for a brief moment, before she silently cursed herself for doing so like she had again, as if nothing had happened between you both, not too long ago, now. “Fuck,” you uttered, evidently frustrated at how hard it was to find the right words to share with her, right now, “Cynthy, I-.. I don’t know how else to say this, but-.. I just - I wanted to see you again, okay? I - I can’t stop thinking about you, a-and I don’t know if - if I can do this without you, I just-.. I love you, I - I’ve always-”

“Cynthia?” You both faltered, a worried look on your face as Cynthia looked toward the voice, Shona stood a few paces away from you both.

“Shona? W-What are you-”

“Oh, c’mon, Sony - I’m bored,” another voice chirped and the red-haired girl Cynthia noticed before appeared at Shona’s side. “Who are they?” She inquired, evidently curious, and you grimaced as the girl looked you up and down. “I didn’t think you were planning on having a foursome with these two,” she mused, “I thought-”

“It’s not them,” she reassured her, and Cynthia scowled subconsciously down at the ground, a pained expression on her face, but she guessed Shona didn’t exactly say she intended to do anything more with her, after their first encounter. “It - It’s a couple of the other girls,” she stated, “they’ll join us soon, but-.. it’s - they weren’t-..”

“We’ll go,” Cynthia murmured, but before she could lead you from the passageway, Shona spoke up again.

“You asked about the powder, right?” She asked, and Cynthia faltered, a worried look on her face as she looked back at Shona, you warily watching her with a puzzled expression on your face.

“O-Oh, shit, yeah,” she managed, and Shona dove into her bag, before pulling out a small packet of the familiar drug from their previous session together.

“You can have it free,” she offered, and the red-haired girl looked a little bored, as well as a tad bit offended as she looked over at Shona again, a skeptical look upon her face as if she’d had a different kinda deal, before.

You’d seen other situations like it, before, and they never turned out very well, in the end.

“Shit, thanks, but-.. I-.. I don’t know,” Cynthia responded warily, trying not to glance over at you again, “I-..”

“I want you to have it,” Shona insisted, “you treated me really well, a-and-.. I guess I just wanted to repay you, for that - so-..”

Cynthia couldn’t turn her down, seeing the worried look on her face, but at the same time it scared her to think of hurting you, too, if she accepted the drug. It was a lose-lose situation, anyhow, that was all she could determine, now. She forced a smile, before accepting the bag, your heart sinking as she did. Shona looked relieved, though, smiling sheepishly back at her.

“Thanks - thank you,” she replied timidly, and Shona nodded, before returning her attention to the other girl, who didn’t look as happy as she did, previously. “C’mon,” she encouraged you gently, bag still in her free right hand, “let’s give them some space, huh?”

“Wait-” But you were both out the back door before you could manage any further words after her. “Cynthy,” you began again a little breathlessly as she closed the door behind you both, her eyes glinting a little as she turned to face you again, only making it harder for you to speak than it ever had been, before, “fuck, this is-.. what is this?” You couldn’t let yourself get distracted by the situation at hand, as she smirked over at you, unable to stop herself. “So you’re doing drugs, now?” You guessed, and the pained expression on your face only made her heart ache even more than it ever had before.

It was almost enough for her to want to quit doing it like she had been. Almost.

“N-Not as bad as some others do,” she tried to reassure you, but it still scared you nonetheless, “look, I-”

“You don’t think it’s just bad to be doing it, to any extent?” You interjected a little sharply, and she fell quiet, a hurt look on her face as you sighed heavily, your hands shaking a little as you tried to stay calm for her, though all you wanted to do right now was either break down, die, or shout at her for putting herself in danger like that. You couldn’t figure out which, quite yet, unfortunately. “Cynthy, what - what the fuck are you doing? This - This isn’t at all like you!” You cried, and she couldn’t help, but scoff, tilting her head as she couldn’t help, but hate you just a little for making any such assumptions about her, especially after what had been going on between you both, recently.

“Oh, so you really think you know everything about me, still? Even after-..” She sighed, before shaking her head gravely; she didn’t want to fight with you, not anymore, but you were determined to try and stop these changes somehow, before they could take her away from you like they could, her doing drugs and all, now. “Y’know what? No - I’m not fighting with you, about this, okay? N-Not after everything; it’s my life - I can do whatever I want to do with it, and you can’t stop me from doing what I want to do, okay? I gotta go-”

God, did your heart drop again after that. You scowled, wishing it would stop; you hated being so weak around her, but at the same time you loved everything she made you feel, even in the bad moments. It showed that one of you still cared, at least, and you’d rather care about her than not feel anything at all for her.

“No,” you interrupted determinedly, blocking her way as she had to quickly stop, before she could bump into you again, although the thought of doing so wasn’t as unappealing as it maybe should have been, right then and there, “we are fighting about this, Cynthy - I don’t care what it does, I just want to say it because I want you to know everything I think about you, okay?”

She hesitated, not sure what to do as she subconsciously stared back at you, breathing too quickly than was normal for her to do so, right now.

“Okay,” she began reluctantly, and you tensed up again, not sure where to start, or where to end. The very foundations of your feelings for her seemed to be many, all tied together like a beautiful flower would have its roots, “hit me with it.”

You wished you could, and it was when she looked a little dejected again at your silence that you couldn’t take the pain anymore. You shook your head, before you lifted your right hand timidly up to her left cheek, and she couldn’t help, but melt into your touch, her eyes locking blissfully with your’s again.

“I fucking love you, you idiot,” you admitted a little shakily, and her heart skipped a beat again as you leaned forward to press your lips to her own delicately, and she found she couldn’t take it anymore either as she melted into the kiss, hastily deepening it alongside you as you shuddered against her touch, as she desperately ran her hands up your back beneath your jacket and jumper to find, and fumble clumsily with your bra-strap.

You didn’t want to stop her, so you went along with it, as you made to remove your jacket, her pressing gentle kisses along your neck as you did, before she moved a little sloppier along your jaw. Once you’d finally removed it, you dismissively threw it upon the ground a few paces away from you both, before you eased her back against the wall, and passionately kissed her again, unable to stop yourself like you thought you might be able to do so, before.

Everything about her was just too - tempting, for you. You only stopped for a brief moment to let your gaze meet her own, breathing heavily before her as she stared back at you longingly, whilst trying not to be too pushy, the bag she’d previously had of the powder now on the ground with your jacket, long forgotten, by now. You couldn’t stop the smile as it found its way back onto your lips; you’d missed being closer to her, like you were again, now.

“So you weren’t lying, huh? You really do love me?” She asked, as she affectionately connected her forehead to your own, smiling sheepishly alongside you as her eyes began to glint brighter than the stars ever could again.

“More than anything,” you managed, unable to stop your voice from cracking the way it did, then, but she didn’t criticise you for it - how could she? She found it cute, to say the least, seeing she still had this effect on you, after all this time.

“Good,” she cooed a little playfully, “‘cause otherwise maybe you wouldn’t like me so much, if I handled things a little rougher with you.”

You raised your eyebrows, shamefully intrigued as you grinned back at her, so many questions flooding your mind, only to disappear in thin air whenever her gaze met your’s again the way it did, a brief moment ago.

“Naughty,” you teased, and she giggled softly as she lifted her right hand up to the back of your head, tangling her fingers blissfully within your hair like she had, all those times before, at some point during your and her usual sessions together, leading up to this perfect moment in time, “I honestly can’t believe I never saw this side of you, before.”

She smirked again as she used her left hand to ease your body closer to her’s, allowing her to reach your left ear, just about, without any complications or discomforts whatsoever stopping her from doing so.

“Really? Maybe I should let you see it more often, then,” she mused, her voice close to a little more of a whisper, before she delicately nibbled at the shell of your ear, prompting you to shudder, and forget how to breathe all over again; you’d missed being with her, like you were now. “I missed you,” she admitted sadly, “I-.. I never stopped; I can’t, I-..” Her heart dropped as she allowed her gaze to meet your’s again, and she then realised you were trying not to cry alongside her. “I love you, Y/n,” she whispered, “I’ve always-.. you - you know that, right?”

“I just-.. I wish I told you before, I-..” You sighed dejectedly, and she smiled sadly over at you, before leaning forward to delicately kiss you again. It was slower, this time - less desperate; she wanted to make it last for longer - not just the way it felt, but the moment, in general; it was perfect, being here with you again. After everything; so many losses, and the hurt she felt whenever she thought about you with someone else. She didn’t know how she worked up the courage to do it, as she carefully lowered her right hand down to your left inner thigh. You then pulled out of the kiss, your eyes meeting her’s again as you tried to search for any discomfort within her glossy orbs. “A-Are you sure?” You inquired, wanting to make sure that she was comfortable, before you let her proceed with you.

“I’m more than sure,” she expressed truthfully, her eyes glinting even more with a new determination that you’d never seen from her before, “I - I love you so much, Y/n, I-.. Just - Just let me-..”

She couldn’t bring herself to even finish her sentence, kissing you again as you both held one another closer than you ever had before, as if you had been scared to do so previously without hurting her, somehow. She smiled against your lips, her heart pounding too fast, but it didn’t scare her anymore, not now that you were both here together again. It still scared her, however, whenever she thought about what could happen, if ever she found herself losing you again.

🜚🜸🜚

“You’re hurting me,” she whined, as you playfully roasted what you made up about her - just something you both liked to do sometimes when you were laying under the stars.

It was probably a weird thing to do, but you both loved it nonetheless, almost more than anything else in the world, if it weren’t for you both having one another back in each other’s arms, again - a gift more special than any either of you had ever managed to receive, before.

“Oh, c’mon,” you complained, a smirk playing on your lips as you glanced timidly back at her, your eyes instantly glinting a little more as soon as they locked with her’s again, “you love it; I know you do, baby.”

“Fine,” she gave in, as you pouted over at her, as if you just knew she would react such a way, if you pulled such a move on her to try and get her to do so, “maybe I do, but - n-not as much as you; you’d top everything I can think of, honestly.” You raised your eyebrows, a little flustered as she grinned back at you, her heart pounding too fast within her chest again. “Shit,” she managed, “I only just realised how that sounded, I-.. fuck, sorry-”

“No,” you cooed gently, and she expressed relief as you held her hands comfortably within your own again, “it’s okay; you have nothing to be sorry for - I love you, okay? No matter how dirty your mind can get, sometimes - it’s not as bad as mine, for sure.”

“Right,” she responded a little thoughtfully, as well as exasperatedly, “I, er - I really - shit. I don’t know why, but - it always gets so hard, trying to speak, whenever I want to kiss you, a-and then I try and ask if I can, but - but then-”

You giggled softly, before you leaned forward to delicately connect your lips to her own.

“You’re adorable,” you whispered, and her heart skipped a beat as her eyelids fluttered open again, only to meet your own glittering in response to hers all over again - it was the best feeling in the world, that was all she could be sure of, now, “I - I love you, you - you know that, right? I’ve always-”

She couldn’t help it, as she leaned forward to press her lips to your own again, not too slow deepening the kiss as she wrapped her arms around you again, lifting her right hand up to the back of your head so she could tangle her fingers within your hair again, only making the air feel hotter than it ever did, before, around you both, during this moment in time.

“Fuck, I - I’m so-..” She winced, realising she’d not asked if she could make such a move, but you giggled softly again, and the sound caused her heart to flutter lighter than it ever had before.

“You can do it, baby; you don’t have to be scared,” you reassured her gently, your right hand resting upon her left cheek as she admired your facial features beneath the starlight, wondering what she’d ever done to deserve someone as perfect as she knew you were, more than anything, or anyone in the world, now that she’d finally managed to get you back again, somehow. Sometimes she still thought she was dreaming, and that maybe you were just a figment of her imagination all over again. “C’mon,” you encouraged her sweetly, “don’t tell me you’ve gone shy on me, now-”

But she hadn’t, smirking over at you suggestively, before she passionately kissed you again, and that was when you felt her right hand trailing down to your trousers, and through them again.

🜚🜸🜚

The next day, there was a pep in her step. She didn’t think she’d ever been this happy before, now that she’d got back to you, again. Although, there were times when she found it hard to stay put on the campus of her private college, whenever she found herself thinking about you over and over again, the way she was, now, leaning heavily against the student bar as she tried to distract herself to the best of her ability, hoping maybe you’d sneak back up there, but at the same time she feared still you being caught by the others, and exposed for who you truly are, in comparison to her and the others.

The thought was more than enough for her to will you not to come back up here for her. She sighed, taking another swig of the beer she’d ordered previously, as she made to begin pulling her coat back on again as soon as she set the now empty bottle back down upon the surface of the bar before her. She guessed she should have thought maybe the student bar wouldn’t be the best place for her to hang out, considering Jamie still liked to hang out in there, too, and Cynthia had perhaps stayed a moment too long than she should have done, if she wanted to avoid the girl again.

“Hey, you,” the voice rang out, before she had a chance to even turn around, and acknowledge the figure now stood behind her, subconsciously blocking her way of escaping, by now.

“Oh, h-hey,” Cynthia replied awkwardly, “h-how are you? I haven’t seen you since-..”

“Yesterday?” Jamie suggested, and she winced, remembering how she’d quickly walked away as soon as her gaze fell upon her again.

“Oh,” she murmured timidly, and Jamie raised her eyebrows, even tilting her head a little partially as Cynthia began to panic a little, though she couldn’t imagine why - not yet, anyway. “R-Right, sorry-”

“Y’know, you don’t have to ignore me - you can just tell me you don’t want to see me again, and I’ll leave you alone, but you never really said anything like that,” she mused, and Cynthia tried to ignore her urge to run, the air feeling much too hot around them both, now, “so, y’know, naturally I thought, er-.. maybe you wouldn’t mind me coming up and talking to you for a little while - is that okay, or-?”

She didn’t know what to do; what to even say, as the girl took a seat beside her anyway, smirking in her direction, before she ordered a beer like Cynthia’s previous one, but before she could try and make an escape, the girl harshly gripped her inner left thigh beneath the countertop, effectively freezing her as she found it hard to breathe, not sure how to even think anymore as she begged you silently to come and find her, or else she knew what was to come, and none of it could ever end up being very pretty, like she knew it wouldn’t be, once Jamie insisted she walk back home with her.

🜚

She couldn’t move, shaking a little within one of the alleyways not too far from her home after Jamie had made her do things again. She knew she should have said ‘no’; that she should have at least tried, maybe, but she was terrified of what the girl might do. Jamie wasn’t the type to mess around, and at one point Cynthia even wondered if she had a knife in her right jacket pocket; she seemed to anxiously fidget with it a lot as if wondering if she should take its contents out whenever someone got too close, or Cynthia thought about running again.

“That was great,” Jamie stated simply, grinning down at Cynthia as she began to get herself dressed up again, Cynthia finding she didn’t dare look up at her again as she nodded gravely, finding it too hard to even speak after what had just occurred between the two of them.

“Thanks,” she managed, eventually, and Jamie giggled a little sneeringly, before forcefully gripping at Cynthia’s jaw, and pressing her lips to her own.

There wasn’t even any affection to it; it was just-.. well, there. Cynthia sighed gravely once Jamie pulled away, but the girl didn’t pay any notice to her prey’s change in demeanour, as she got up off of the ground, and simply walked away from her. No wave, no words, no ‘thank yous’ - no nothing. It only made it hurt more, knowing that she’d allowed this to happen between them again, only for such a reaction, and the thought then of returning to you only made it all the more harder to breathe than it ever had been, before.

So instead, she thought her chances better going back home, though it pained her to walk up the hill, instead of going back down again.

🜸

In turn, it terrified you. You didn’t know what to think, when it grew later and later in the day, to the point it got past getting to your and her set cut-off point for meeting one another the way you usually did. You tried not to pace too much, your heart pounding too fast as you looked toward the entrance of the alleyway one final time, before cursing barely audibly, and walking hastily toward where your sheet was still laid down.

Your next actions were full of desperation; anxiety, perhaps, as you crouched down to grab your bag, and sling it over your right shoulder, before you warily looked around, and decided finally that something must be wrong, and you had to go out and find her, somehow. Luckily, it didn’t take you very long, as you looked into the dark alleyways you passed, before coming upon one that looked like it had been used recently, minor stains on the ground, as well as what looked like a small hint of blood mixed with whatever other fluids were there.

You didn’t dare ponder on it for too long, but you did remember Cynthia saying she’d been having to use the regular pads and tampons whatever they were officially called recently, only making your heart drop steadily faster as you pressed yourself to walk further up the hill, hoping that if she weren’t in the next few alleyways, that she’d be at her house, maybe. You were blissfully mistaken. Well, she was at her house, but she was outside of it, and your heart skipped a beat as soon as you noticed her sat upon the front step of the porch, leading up to their front door.

“Cynthy?” You managed, your voice cracking a little, and she faltered as soon as she noticed you, her eyes glinting, until something made her smile falter, before she bowed her head again. “Hey,” you cooed gently, as you warily approached her, small daisies you’d picked for her along the way nearly cradled between the fingers of your right hand. “A-Are you-?”

“You-.. You shouldn’t be here,” she began dejectedly, and you faltered alongside her, a pained expression on your face. It only made her feel worse, even when she wasn’t looking up at you the way she was trying not to, right now, not wanting you to see that she was on the verge of breaking down, again, for a reason still currently unbeknownst to you, at this point. “Y/n, if - if anyone sees you-”

“I don’t care about what they want to do to me,” you reassured her determinedly, and her heart stuttered at the confidence within your voice, making it all the more harder for her to not meet your gaze, right now, “baby, I-.. I was worried about you, I - I thought - I thought that maybe you-.. y’know.”

You appeared a little embarrassed, and she couldn’t help, but smile softly up at you for a brief moment, though it pained her to see the worried look currently residing upon your face, alongside her own, now.

“I scared you, huh?” She guessed, and your heart skipped a beat again as you awkwardly rubbed your right arm using your slightly trembling still left hand, only making the love she held for you harder to contain as she timidly got up off of the step, her eyes never leaving your’s, now.

“Of course you did,” you answered simply, “Cynthy, I-.. we usually meet today, and stuff - why wouldn’t you showing up not scare me?” She hesitated, lingering timidly before you as you tried not to reach out, and ease her body close to your own, afraid that maybe that wouldn’t be what she wanted, if you tried to do so. “Look, I just - I thought I’d check up on you, okay?” You mustered up, eventually, and she wondered if the air was still hot, or if blood was rushing up to her cheeks again in response to such a statement.

“You’re too good to me - you know that, right?” She murmured dejectedly, and your heart dropped when you heard her voice trembling a little. “E-Even when I-..” She stopped, not sure if she should tell you about what had occurred between her and Jamie, or not, but she guessed she could try; that it would be better for you to know, wouldn’t it? “Y/n, I-”

“Shit, Cynthy, thank god you’re still up, I just realised I still have your-” Jamie fell quiet, noticing you both together, and your heart dropped again as you reluctantly turned to face her, before glancing quizzically back at Cynthia, as if you were still trying to figure things out, somehow. “Who’s that? I don’t know them from campus - at least, I don’t think I do,” she mused, and Cynthia didn’t know what to do, silently begging you to stay as her heart pounded uncomfortably within her chest alongside your own, but you didn’t know what to do, your heart aching even more when you noticed Jamie holding Cynthia’s phone in her right hand.

“What’s going on, Cynth?” You asked, though part of you wondered if you even wanted to know what had happened, before now, at this point.

Cynthia stammered a little, not sure what to do, say, or even think. She just allowed her gaze to meet your’s, but it still hurt more than anything ever had, before, to feel like she was close to losing you like she felt as if she was, somehow, all over again.

“Y/n-”

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on here, but I know for a fact it doesn’t concern me, so - y’know,” Jamie mused, rather loudly, as you scoffed, before scowling in her direction as she meandered around you widely to return Cynthia’s phone to her, and the way the girl looked at you. It made you burn, much too deeply. You grimaced, before shaking your head, but things only got worse from there, as Jamie grinned over at Cynthia, before pressing a kiss to her cheek; you clearly missed how it made Cynthia wince, to be so close to her again the way she was, now.

She could never have such a reaction to you, and she wished she could have found the right words to say, as you bowed your head in response to such a sight as the kiss had been, things growing too clear than the sun or moon could ever be, to you, as you drew in a barely audible shaky breath, before pressing yourself to walk back down the pathway, Jamie shrugging obliviously as well as a little smugly as you did.

“No,” Cynthia managed feebly, her voice sounding a lot more strained than it did before as she hastily meandered around Jamie to rush after you; she couldn’t let you go, especially not like this, without you knowing that she loved you, more than anything else that she could think of, right now.

She just wished the words she needed right now would stop getting stuck, the way they were, especially when she caught your arm, and saw that you were trying not to cry, again.

“Cynth-?” You managed, your voice close to an almost choked sounding whisper, tearing her apart somehow even more than the situation already had, before.

It was a confirmation - that was all she could tell, now. You were still trying to find a way out from believing otherwise, only to fail each time you did exactly that, breaking yourself down even more than you ever had, before, to think about how things had been, before now; how you’d finally been happy together again, as if things were finally clicking into place, only for Jamie to come back and shatter everything to pieces, again.

She couldn’t do it; she couldn’t lie to you, again. The words slipped out faster than any others ever had, before, and you knew one way or another when you heard them that you were right; she’d been intimate with Jamie again, either against her will, or with much agreement toward it.

🜚

You hadn’t stuck around to find out, shaking your head gravely as your face crumpled a little as soon as her apology had registered within you. She tried to wrap her arms around you, desperate not to lose you again, but you’d slipped away, even before she could allow your name to slip her lips again. Ever since that moment, you didn’t know what to do with yourself, cursing yourself for crying as you kept your head low, walking slowly back down the hill again, toward your decrepit home.

It was for a few brief moments that you wondered what might have been, if you decided not to save Cynthia that night. You wondered if things would ever hurt less, the way they broke you down continuously, now. You wondered if you should have stayed; should have let her explain, but what would the point have been? It would still hurt, nonetheless, and you knew you’d blame yourself either way, your heart aching as you tried not to think about her the way you were, before, wishing you could hold her close to you again.

But you guessed it should have been obvious to you, that eventually you’d convince yourself to turn back, not wanting to leave things between you both the way you had, before.

🜸

“Get off me,” Cynthia spat through gritted teeth as Jamie made to wrap her arms around the girl’s waist again.

“Oh, c’mon, don’t be like that, now,” she complained in a whiny voice, as if she were more innocent than the Jamie Cynthia knew, and hated (or feared, perhaps?) since the night she had been abandoned by her within the girls’ toilets of the student bar, not too long ago, now. “Cynthy,” she continued as Cynthia managed to push her away, scowling feebly over at her as if she were only just managing to hold herself together, right now.

“And - And stop calling me that,” she continued sharply, “y’know, I - I never said you could - ever, so-.. stop - please!”

“I thought you said you like me calling you that,” Jamie cooed suggestively, and Cynthia winced, a pained expression on her face as the girl inched closer to her, a mischievous spark forming within her eyes.

“N-No, I - I didn’t - when did I-?” She faltered, remembering how Jamie had led her hastily into the toilet again one of the nights she had lost her sense of self again. She grunted, before stepping back a little, but Jamie was insistent, grinning obliviously from ear to ear as she lifted her right hand up to Cynthia’s left cheek, and she didn’t know what to do, a pained expression on her face as she wished none of her last stands had even occurred, the way that they did. “That - That’s not fair - Jamie-”

“You said it,” she reminded her, and there were dangerous undercurrents within her voice that terrified Cynthia all over again, “don’t try and act like I’m stupid, or something; I heard you, regardless of whether or not it was the drugs or drink talking.”

That alarmed her; she had no recollection of taking any drugs whatsoever, that night, and Jamie had also looked a little worried when the word had slipped her lips.

“Drugs? I wasn’t on drugs that night, w-what are you-?” She fell quiet again, and Jamie anxiously looked around, as if waiting for someone to pounce on her for her previous behavioural habits. “Did - Did you drug me?” She questioned, her voice sounding smaller than before as her heart dropped even further, somehow, and Jamie winced, avoiding eye contact completely with her, now. “Jamie,” Cynthia commanded, her voice a little stronger though it still sounded strained, but still the girl wouldn’t give into her. “Tell me - did, or did you not drug me that night?” She pried, a little more desperately now, and Jamie tried to meander around her, uttering ‘fuck this’ under her breath, but Cynthia wouldn’t let her go without an answer, grabbing the girl’s right arm, before she eased her back to where she was, before. “You’re telling me the truth, right now,” she stated, crossing her arms as she tried to keep her breathing under control, eyeing suspiciously the girl before her, now. “So what’ll it be, huh? Are you going to actually tell me, or are you going to leave here and have me just immediately come to the conclusion that you did drug me?” She inquired, skeptical, and Jamie looked a little more fearful, now, rubbing her right arm as she looked anywhere, but up at Cynthia, at this point.

She knew she didn’t exactly need an answer, the girl looking guilty as sin, but still it would be nice to have some form of confirmation, right?

“W-What would you do, if - if I left, and you thought that?” She asked, her voice briefly trembling, now, as if her mask was giving way to the rest of her that Cynthia hadn’t got to know, yet - not that she’d even want to, now that she was even more aware of how much of a monster the girl had been to her, before, as well.

“Oh, y’know - probably just go back inside and act like nothing happened for the rest of my life,” she answered sarcastically, and Jamie rolled her eyes, recognising this instantly of the girl before her, “what the fuck do you think I’d do, Jamie? It’s not right to drug people! I’d talk - you know I would.”

“And risk your reputation as well as mine?” Jamie questioned, and Cynthia hesitated, her expression faltering a little as she thought about another way; how she could avoid being found out for who she truly was, without letting Jamie get away with her indecency, somehow.

“I could tell them you raped me,” she mused, and Jamie raised her eyebrows, before scoffing, “because you technically did - what would you do, then?”

She had caught her, Jamie awkwardly shuffling on the spot as the girl tried to find a way out of this moment, her heart pounding too quickly within her chest as Cynthia patiently waited an answer from her, thinking of anything further that she could incriminate the girl with, possibly, just to get her off her back, at this point, for your sake as much as her own.

“I guess we’d have to see,” she answered a little apprehensively, “I could pay you? My dad could write a cheque, a-and then-”

“I don’t want your money,” Cynthia spat, “I want you to be honest with me, for once! You still haven’t answered my question - you realise that, right? It’s not hard, Jamie; I just want to know what you did to me, that night! So what did you do, hm? And don’t think of trying to backtrack, now, because there was no reason for you to bring up drugs like that, before; I told you I’d never done them when you asked me - I remember that, so what did you do to me? Huh? What the fuck did you do!?”

She was losing her patience, that was for sure. She could easily take a step closer to Jamie, and shove her the way she wished she could, right now, but she didn’t want to hurt her like that; she didn’t want to hurt anyone like that, even for this. Especially when Jamie scared her the way she did, before. She also just didn’t want to think about how maybe she’d regret it, if she did it, in more ways than one. Jamie sighed, before nodding gravely, as if accepting her fate at this point for a reason unbeknownst to either of them.

“I spiked your drink,” she admitted, reluctantly, and Cynthia’s heart sank again, “okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Why?” She questioned, her voice close to a whisper, now, as the air grew too hot around them both again.

“Because I wanted to make it easier to have fun with you,” the girl clarified, and Cynthia scowled subconsciously over at her, gritting her teeth, before she let herself go - just a bit - shoving Jamie, as the two stared over at one another, both breathing too heavily, right now, for the conversation to appear anything, but normal to you, as you slowly inched closer to the household again, a worried look on your face as you wondered if Jamie would hurt Cynthia for having such a reaction to her.

“I hate you,” she uttered, her voice trembling again as small tears threatened to leak from her now glistening orbs again, “I - I should - I should never have-”

“What’s going on out there?” A familiar voice rang out from within the house, and your heart faltered for a moment as you realised her dad must have been awoken by the commotion, and would soon most likely have her incriminated again if he saw her with Jamie, right now.

The two fell quiet alongside you, Cynthia anxiously looking toward each row of windows at the front of the house, but none of them were open; he was angry enough to be able to shout that clearly through them - that much was clear to her, right now. You got an idea; you didn’t think it was a good one, but it could do, for now. You quickly ducked down before the fence and bushes before the gate leading up to their porch, and performed your best triggered cat impression that you could, right now.

It must have been enough to clear him off, for now, as he turned the light that had been on for a brief moment behind one of the front windows - the one to the furthest left - off again, saying something inaudible that sounded like he was cursing something for being in existence, despite it not truly being there like you’d made him think it was. Apparently, it was good enough too to fool Cynthia and Jamie, alongside him, as Cynthia expressed relief, and Jamie looked too to have relaxed a bit more than she was, before.

You yourself certainly felt a bit better than you had, when the idea first struck you; it was certainly quite a risky one, in that he could either not believe your act, or the others would have exposed you for it, as well. You did prefer one idea more than the other, however, though it pained you still to think about being closer to Cynthia again after what had previously happened between you both, a brief moment ago, now.

“What was that you were saying-?” Jamie questioned, as Cynthia let go of her after she had pressed the girl against the wall just in case her father looked out the window, and saw the two together like they were, now.

“Shut up,” Cynthia uttered, evidently annoyed, “you know what I was trying to do-”

“Do I?” She asked, and Cynthia rolled her eyes, before subconsciously moving away as Jamie tried to get too close to her again.

“I can’t believe you’re still trying,” she remarked, and Jamie smirked over at her, pressing her hands to her hips as she watched the girl before her grimacing down at the ground, as if it disgusted her even to look over at Jamie after all that had happened between them both, recently, especially now that she’d effectively driven you away from her again, like she thought that the girl had, by now, your presence still unknown to her, currently, even after your little cat fight impression had occurred, a brief moment ago, now.

“Why would you think I was? Do you want me to?” Jamie further questioned, and Cynthia rolled her eyes, before turning to face the girl sharply, a more determined look on her face, by now.

“No,” she stated simply, and Jamie tried to avoid appearing disappointed by such a response from her, “look, maybe - maybe you should go. I can’t do this anymore - not-.. not with you, okay? Especially-.. not-.. not now.”

“Oh c’mon - all I did was spike you,” she complained, “that doesn’t mean I’m all bad, right? People have done worse, before-”

“Yeah, but-.. forget it, just - leave me alone, okay?” Cynthia retorted, before meandering around Jamie, but the girl didn’t feel like being done with her just yet, as she caught Cynthia’s right arm a little forcefully, before easing her back toward her as if she’d not yet made it clear what she wanted from Jamie, by now.

“That’s not fair, Cynthy,” the girl complained, as she tightly held Cynthia against her, her arms wrapped around her waist as Cynthia didn’t know what to do, a little scared as the girl breathed heavily upon the back of her neck, before brushing her lips against it as if nothing was wrong anymore like it was, before.

“Stop!” She cried, struggling desperately against Jamie. “Please, I - This - This isn’t-”

“You seriously think you can just get rid of me, huh?” She continued a little more roughly as she smirked against her prey, lowering her right hand dangerously close toward the opening of her jeans again. “You’re nothing, Cynthia,” she remarked, and Cynthia tried not to react as her hand got ever closer; she couldn’t let the girl get away with her behaviour, again, not like she had last time, and the other couple of times before that they had been together, the way that they were, before this moment in time, “do you hear me? Nothing.”

“Screw you,” she spat, but the girl just laughed, and just when she thought Jamie would try and violate her again, you came out of hiding, and managed to knock her out on the spot with the blunt side of the shiv you often brought around with you, the way you were as well, now, in that case.

Cynthia expressed relief upon feeling that Jamie was no longer holding her, before she winced, realising she could still be in danger, and turned around only to find you wrapping your arms around her as you sniffled barely audibly into the crook of her neck, not sure what to do with yourself anymore. She guessed she didn’t either, as she returned your embrace, crying quietly alongside you as you both tried to comfort one another again, Jamie’s body laying at your and her feet as you shook together, but you knew you should both come around again, soon, especially now that you had a still warm body on your hands.

🜚

You didn’t know what to say anymore, as you both carried the body down hill, fearing every second of the moment could bring around Jamie’s waking up, and realisation of what had just happened to her, again. You kept your head low, not daring to look over at Cynthia, no matter how much it pained to do so. She couldn’t take the silence, her heart aching as she tried to meet your gaze, but you didn’t dare allow yourself to even look up anymore, not when you didn’t need to, anyway.

You drew in a barely audible shaky breath, your heart pounding much too fast alongside her own as she tried not to break down again, her hands beginning to tremble steadily as she desperately tried not to even breathe or sniffle too loudly, though she couldn’t imagine why. You tensed up whenever you heard a fox cry; she relaxed when the animal revealed itself, before running away from you both.

“Not too far, now,” you mused, and she faltered upon hearing your voice again, her heart skipping a beat as she timidly glanced over at you, her eyes glinting as she silently begged for you to meet her gaze again. “D’you wanna stop, now, and let me take her the rest of the way?” You inquired, briefly looking over at her, but it was too painful to allow your eyes to lock with her own for too long, so you didn’t know what else to do, but look back down toward the ground again, only making it all the more harder to breathe for you, as well as her alongside you, but what else could you do to stop yourself from breaking down when you wanted more than anything to stay strong for her, somehow?

“No; I can continue - I know I can,” she uttered a little dismissively, though it pained her to do so, especially when she noticed how your expression faltered a little in response to the tone she’d subconsciously picked up a brief moment ago, now, but she didn’t know how else to react, or feel, after what had happened between you both not too long ago, now, with you leaving like you had before knocking Jamie out like that. She guessed she understood why you did it, but it still hurt, nonetheless, to think you couldn’t even stay around to allow her to explain herself the way that you did, earlier. “I don’t know why you even care at this point, anyway,” she murmured, and you stopped, a hurt look on your face as you glanced back over at her, your eyes glistening a little, now, only making the pain spread out more as she wished she could throw her arms around you again, but she didn’t want to give into you too easily - not yet, anyway. “I mean-.. why even come back for me, if-?” Her voice cracked a little, and you didn’t know what to do; you hadn’t felt so lost before as you hastily shook your head, and made to begin lowering Jamie’s body, but Cynthia wouldn’t do so alongside you, instead taking up the rest of her, before she continued slowly down the hill after meandering awkwardly around you.

“Cynthy-” She didn’t stop, scowling as she tried to fight back the last of her tears, but you didn’t want her to think that you didn’t care about her, because all you’d ever done ever since you’d first met her was care; love, even, and you certainly knew you’d thought about her more than you’d ever spared a thought for anyone else, before. “Baby, stop, please,” you begged, but she didn’t dare, until you caught her arm, and she felt anything, but confident again.

“No,” she spat, as she pulled her arm from your grasp, before laying Jamie upon the ground again, “y’know what? Fuck you - I hate you, okay? I’ve always hated you, e-ever since we first-..”

She winced, before bowing her head to try and hide the remaining tears from you, but you knew her too well by now to just give in like that, as you inched closer to her, your heart threatening to drop again with every step you took to get to her. You didn’t think it would take her any longer to step back, the way it did, when you decided to try and tell her everything again.

“C-Cynth, no, please - I - I didn’t mean-”

“Stop!” She cried, and you did, not sure what else to do as you stared after her hopelessly, feeling everything shattering within you the way it did, before. “You - You don’t get to try and - to try and do this again; I hate you,” she spat, and you nodded gravely, your eyes darkening as she wished she could stop; wished she could tell you everything she wished she could do so, right now, but she didn’t know what else to do anymore; what to even think, as she drew in a barely audible shaky breath, avoiding meeting your gaze again no matter how much she missed being able to do so, before, without it hurting her, all over again, the way it did before. “Let me get something straight, okay? I’ll never do a single thing for you again, after today; if you pay for my silence, I’ll scream. If you beg me to speak, I’ll sew my mouth shut,” she hissed, and you knew she meant it, as you nodded slowly again, avoiding eye contact with her once more, no matter how much it pained you to do so, right now.

“Okay,” you managed faintly, and her heart skipped a beat as she tried to blink back the tears further, somehow, her hands trembling a little again as she tried to swallow the lump within her throat, only to fail miserably as you tried not to break down again, thinking about anything, but how you were on the verge of losing her so easily, all over again, “that-.. that’s fine, I can-.. I can do that-.. I just.. I just wanted-”

“I don’t care about whatever it is you might want anymore, Y/n,” she interjected, though that wasn’t entirely true; none of what she had been saying so far was, and that was what hurt the most, aside from the fact that it was hurting you to hear such claims from her, with everyone being made, and directed half-heartedly toward you the way that they were being done, before.

“I understand, Cynthy; of course I do, but - but baby, please, I - just let me-”

“What did I just tell you?” She retorted a little more bitterly, like salt to a freshly opened wound. Your heart sank again as you didn’t know what to do; what to say; how to even breathe anymore as you nodded again a little more rapidly, your heart beating too fast again as you wondered if you were on the verge of having a panic attack, perhaps, it getting too hard for you to compose yourself anymore during this moment in time as you begged her silently to stop; to hold you close to her again, but you knew you didn’t deserve her care anymore - maybe you never did, so at the same time you wondered if you should just collapse, and die - maybe doing so for her would only help more; she wouldn’t have to deal with your bullshit ever again, and part of you just knew you’d do anything, to see her smiling again, the way she did a lot more, before. “I don’t ever want to see you again, okay? Do not push me any further than you already have, now, or I’ll make sure you regret every part of us - no matter what,” she warned, and you found you couldn’t think anymore, your breathing pattern growing to be too erratic as she narrowed her eyes over at you, trying to fight back the sense of dread that formed within her, her heart beginning to pound too fast alongside your own as she slowly inched closer to you, silently cursing herself for not being more careful with you, before. “Y/n? Hey, what - what are you-?” She inquired, her voice briefly trembling as you shook your head hastily, backing away though you couldn’t imagine why; you just were scared of losing control of yourself somehow; of breaking down again, and only hurting her even more as you tried to stop yourself from falling, leaning heavily against the wall to your left as if you were depending on it more than you’d ever depended on anything else, before. “Hey,” she continued again, this time a little more urgently, but even your hearing was beginning to grow fuzzy as she couldn’t take it anymore, holding you at arm’s length as her now wide eyes searched your’s desperately for any sign of what might be the problem at hand, here, but you couldn’t speak, your tongue feeling too heavy, and body feeling too numb as she begged you to say something; anything, but before either of you knew it, your vision was growing darker, and for a moment you felt like you could fly, before you crumpled into her arms, and fell for her all over again.

~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed it, and are looking forward to the next one! I also just wanted to say Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year! All your support means a lot to me, and I hope that we have an even better year ahead of all of us! Thank you, again, and I look forward to seeing you all again soon for the next bits of writing I have planned, but this is a wrap on the year for now in terms of my creative mindset, and unfortunately a peace out from me, until then! Happy Yuletide, guys! ❤️

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