#tw medical photo

[honeyandbloodpoetry]

My Gender-Affirming Hysterectomy Journey

❗️❗️❗️Tldr: I wanted to write about my experience and feelings on getting a hysterectomy for both gender affirming reasons and as a medical emergency. There is a tw for suicidal ideation and organ photos are at the bottom. This does not cover everything in my journey of course, and I may write more on my experiences sometime. But this was just a very emotional write-up for me during my recovery s few days ago. ❗️❗️❗️

The lifelong journey to getting my hysterectomy was hard. As of right now, a hysto was the only gender affirming surgery I was interested in--I do experience dysphoria, but am uninterested in surgery. A hysterectomy held a lot of weight for me even before I knew I was transgender. The earliest moment I can recall dysphoria and pain over the ability to become pregnant/expectations of motherhood as an inevitability was in kindergarten. In fact, as someone with CPTSD, it is an astonishingly clear childhood memory. As I got older, the dysphoria and eventual phobia got worse and worse, no matter how hard I tried to stuff myself into a box. My dysphoria began to make my psychosis worse starting I'm high school, it affected my self esteem and bodily insecurities, it affected by sex life and relationships. Within the past four years, the dysphoria and phobia relating to having a female reproductive system began taking over my life and making me so genuinely miserable and honestly delusional over my own body.

All I wanted was a male body. And it felt like the most female and painful part of me was in a place I could never touch, but controlling everything bodily, sexually and mentally about me. Since childhood I was haunted by this and in an indescribable amount of pain. My first puberty hit and I had extreme reproductive problems--less than 15 or 20 periods in my entire life. Extreme pain. Then, starting in mid December symptoms started happening, and in January I started heavy bleeding for 80 days straight. I lost weight uncontrollably (I choose to be fat on purpose and weight loss or gain out of my control is a trigger for ED for me), I was in constant severe pain, I had cramps my doctor compared to birthing cramps, I could barely walk anymore. I fought with our healthcare system as a poor person who's trans wife was recently fired due to gender discrimination and has STILL not found justice to try and get emergency healthcare. I was told how sick I was, and that it was obvious I was at least in precancer stages, and that my entire reproductive system was basically a minefield. It was almost funny that the thing in my body that had caused me the most suffering in my life could be what killed me. My testosterone was also tanking during this time, slowing my transition and causing my estrogen to be higher than I would obviously want. It felt like my reproductive system was destroying me, and honestly it had been for a long time.

As I prepared for surgery and went to appointment after appointment, I had to keep returning to the maternity ward and gynecologist office. I was repeatedly misgendered in person and in documents and even told by an ultrasound specialist that my uterus looked fine and "there's no reason for her to have this surgery". I came out of most of my appointments crying and just wishing I had been born a man, or not at all. My mental health plummeted because I was convinced the surgery would not be successful, and overall my dysphoria was at an all time high. I never told anyone because I was ashamed, but the first gynecologist from my usual community clinic who referred me to a wider network basically walked into the room and told me I had cancer because I was fat and misgendered me the whole time. I did not tell anyone because I was ashamed and embarrassed, but my surgical team and other doctors have been amazing and let me know this was astounding medical malpractice. Still... all of these appointments really drilled into me and just hurt. It got very bad for me and I was unsure how to reach out. I felt like I was so wrong and bad inside and out, and that even my sickness was a burden. I was not sure how to go to anyone, but my suicidal ideation had gotten worse and worse since December and was beginning to peak to something that felt out of my control. It was terrifying, and at my breaking point I scheduled therapy and made the decision to go back on antipsychotics.

The day of the surgery, I felt resigned. I had hope, but I was also scared of what might happen. I have a notoriously frail body and was scared I would not make it through surgery. Or that it would be unsuccessful and... then what? I just held hands with my wife and sang to her in the car on the way there and let her love just sit with me. I hadn't slept a wink the night before and it felt like I was in a state of floating. As I was being prepped for surgery, I felt still. Somewhere in between. I got to be held by Millie one last time and I said a prayer to the diety who has walked beside me since childhood. As I was put under, all I could think about was going home and playing some video games and cuddling with my wife. Being peaceful. Being loved. Nothing wild or crazy or outlandish. Just peace.

Maybe being free of this burden.

When I woke up from surgery, the first thing I did was look around then down at my hands. My first thought was "I'm alive". After struggling so much with being suicidal, it felt so happy and real and I felt so happy to be here. I leaned my head back on the pillow and swam in and out of sleep for some time. I had no idea if my surgery was successful for an hour or so, but I was in pain and somehow felt at peace, like I knew. I finally felt like I was resting for the first time in a long time. The surgeon came to my bedside and told me that the surgery was a complete success--not only that, but it was astonishingly smooth and easy, one of the best surgeries she had ever done. I smiled and just thanked her and told her this was all I've ever wanted since I was a child. She almost cried and told me she was so happy she could help me.

Millie hugged me so tight when she could see me. We were both so relieved and so happy and I just got to tell her how happy I was. It was just tear filled joy and peace and the feeling of finally everything is okay. Finally something has went right. I will never forget how happy I was to see her and tell her it was successful (even though she knew before I did) and the feeling of wholeness I felt. Coming home really felt like coming home--plus, I had my amazing friends Nathan and Suyin there to help care for both of us and make an amazing dinner. I felt so warm and so loved and so OKAY. I'm learning to let people in and it is such a warming feeling, especially during recovery.

It's been a little over a week since my surgery and my recovery is going smoothly. My body is a lot stronger than I thought. I started my new medications yesterday, and while this isn't suddenly a cure all for my mental health, it genuinely feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My gender affirming healthcare is inspiring me to keep going. It saved my life in more ways than one. This dysphoria is no longer active--it is now a past trauma I can healthily process. I can now feel right in my body, right in my sex life, right in my gender identity in a way I never have before. Despite the mood swings that come with menopause and despite the pains of recovering from surgery, I feel more happy and whole and not-in-pain than I ever have in my whole life. I have never experienced gender and body euphoria like this before! I just feel...complete.

I am really happy I held on and had hope. I am really happy I fought my way through the medical system to get this surgery. I am happy I get to live my life with this healthcare. I look at the little boy me still deep inside my heart and hug him so tightly because WE DID IT! This feels like a new chapter to my life that I am incredibly happy to get to be here for. It's honestly difficult to put the gravity of all of this, both the euphoria, dysphoria and pain, into words. But I wanted to try.

I am unsteady, but I am okay. I am happy. I am free.

I AM NEUTERED BAAAAABY

[creepy-bi-day]

Im glad ur getting some sleep!! U deserve it bestie <3 also u can tear ur whole ass artery what?? I'm proud of u!! Hydration is important man <333

Bro I’ve been so tired.

And yeah, apparently. Here’s a little diagram

So this happens and it’s in my vertebral artery, the one that’s in your spine along your neck.

They think it might’ve kicked off some heart issues that have been hiding too so that’s fun. But I’m not the doctor so idk what’s going on lmao.

And make sure you drink water too dammit!

[can-of-woerms]

i don't think this is normal behavior.,,, (close ups under the cut)

[clegfly]

Mari and her boyfriend idol or something idk

(Original image below cut)

[destructionprincess]

[citrus-soda]

alcohol-marker practice with Pururu

[anarcho-masochist]

There should be an aesthetic around medical needle tracks and bruising from getting blood drawn, honestly. I've gotten my blood taken so many times during this hospital stay (which is a good thing—they're actually doing tests). Also, I'm finally free of my IV!

[l0ggia]

[magic-is-something-we-create]

cw: medical discussion (not personal, just interesting research)

i am once again researching real life horrific diseases/symptoms for writing reasons. last time it was TSEs (transmissible spongiform encephalopathy aka chronic wasting disease, mad cow disease, scrapie, etc.) for Whispers. now it's necrosis (gangrene) for Goddess-Touched

and like. ive researched necrosis before as one of the symptoms of the bubonic plague for a research project in middle school. and im starting to realize that willingly exposing myself to uncensored images of That at 13 may be why im completely unfazed writing and seeing things that make other people nauseous

[alittlebitbethany]

Warning mention of medical procedure

Today for day 7 of A Very Dolly Christmas Countdown 2023 we have something a little different. I had a medical procedure today and my mum gave me this lovely Holly Hobbie doll to keep me company. After the procedure Mum gave me a polar bear plushie. I named him Stanley. Mum took this photo of Holly, Stanley and I at the hospital today. Rest assured everything went well and I am now resting at home

Image Description: a photo of a woman who is wearing a hospital gown sitting in a hospital bed holding a Hollie Hobbie doll and a polar bear plushie.

[little-desi-historian]

Apothecary, Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic. 🇩🇴

[scuba-divers]

I do not know what the FUCK this is but yesterday I found some Dr. Evil's Evil Laboratory of Death and Destruction type shit sitting on the side of a garbage container.

[trinketfairy]

Got a sleep study done last night but I barely slept at all throughout the whole night so I'm not sure what the point of that was exactly

🦔 With Harlow (He/him) the Aurora Palm Pals Hedgie the Hedgehog

[vodenanimfa]

I genuinely felt so much comfort and ease. Everything is okay! 🍀

[pelipper]

It might be because of my COVID booster shot, the fact that I got up early today to go to Quest, or some undiagnosed c. diff (which is the reason I went to Quest), but oh man I am tired af today. I want to play some video games but I'm also freaking wiped out. 😩

I did manage to go for a Pokémon GO walk, so it's not like I didn't do anything today, but it feels kind of bad to not have the energy to do edits tonight. I might just curl up into bed with my Switch or DS after dinner...

[fairiencarnate]

🍄 Bigoted = blocked 🍄

🌸 I ♡ old aesthetics, animals, nature. I don't ♡ old values or industrial farms.

🌷 Pan. She/they, AFAB who's not fussed w pronouns after having them used against me repeatedly. I was a fairy in my last life, if u even care.

🌼 Ex-SDA, critical of most religions & superstitions. Agnostic I guess? I don't think any human knows much about the supernatural. I share my opinions here and you cannot change my mind so don't try to please ♡

🪷 Living w mental & physical shit, like most people. Doing my best and ranting about it here later

🪻 Original photos. No reposts ♡

🍄 Below are my frequently used tags 🍄