I guesssssssssssss…
I have a thing to say:
And that thing is to say that I really appreciate the people who stuck around for my breakdown and the people who stuck around to find out the ending of the fic and stuff. H o w e v e r. I went to see a very solid, very down to earth therapist about a year ago (and have been in treatment….. and have been in the midst of treatment…. And I’m t i r e d) and she warned me that some of the stuff that I have been just kind of like, walking with/living with/dealing with is what they apparently qualify as “unprocessable” in the field of psychiatric and mental health. And I’ve been fighting some of these really rough impulses to just like, destroy all records of my past for a really long time because of that. It doesn’t probably make a whole lot of sense to just be reading this right here right now (as this is tumblr #4 or 5. As I’ve been Oakley and Schrodingers-Gay-Cousin and faerlie-certain a few others as well). Buuuuuuut…… those are unfortunately just like. Online internet examples of this like. Process in my brain.
I know what it means. (I’m not an idiot) I’ve done enough like, therapeutic processing and work on myself and idiot shit this year trying to bury things down to get to this point. So I guess… here we are? I somehow ended up with two therapists. And a safety plan. Which is like, regular shithead speak for suicide watch if you haven’t done enough problematic crap in your life to get to get to that point in your adult journey, or whatever. And all of this just seems very like, a bit much to me? To be honest? Because I still show up to my job Monday through Friday and eat when my roommate cooks for me and remember to do like, most basic hygiene things. But at the same time. I did also go to the ocean with my friends and leave a note this past summer and just walk out and like, keep going, you know?
I don’t feel safe. Is what I’m getting at. And I need to get to a place where I do. And eradicate all the things that aren’t safe. And that’s impossible. But things are finally looking up, like… I’m starting to put away some of the knives at home and the paper clips at work…
I would just really like to make it to 28. I would just really like to live to see 28 with this new name. That’s all. So, this place is an unsafe place for me in a lot of ways for a lot of complex reasons. And I gotta go.
But! I’m gonna try not to erase a record. Because part of my job right now is keeping records of things. And it’s really struck me how like, important that is. Even just on a person by person basis. And how fucking destructive it is to destroy records or to just. Leave nothing behind. So. For the like, 2 people here: you are loved and thought of and you will be missed. But I gotta go. Ask me for my email or something, lol.
My name’s Alexei.
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Terfs are making edits of my comic on Twitter. It’s joever y’all
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AND ANOTHER THING! I’m imagining William at Charlie’s funeral…he’s standing there, putting on his most convincing act, dressing in his best suit, comforting Henry and hugging him as his friend sobs over his dead daughter’s casket…as if he wasn’t the murderer ahhHHHHHHHH!! Giving a speech during the funeral— “she was such a sweet girl, whoever did this to her must’ve been absolutely sick in the head, I cannot even FATHOM it…one day, justice will be served and they’ll catch the monster who did this.”
Guys I’m going insane
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Finally went back and finished this Nagito I started a while back
Also did like a whole background and stuff but I think it's a bit too busy
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Love me some dangan ronpa gore
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