#tw for suicidal thoughts

[kangel-kinnie]

tw major vent under cut‼️‼️

containing s3lf h3rm, su!cidal thoughts/attempts, self hatred, depressive episodes/depressive thoughts, e3ting disorder, dissociative thoughts/ dissociation, not feeling real? dehumanization? (not sure abt the last 3 sry.

[heckyeahcolinbaker]

I really didn't want to say anything due to keeping up a happy front, but I've had enough.

BCP council are not helpful one bit, every time I chase them up on applications for financial aid— *crickets* Just the same jargon over and over.

For context, I've been signed off work for 2 months through no fault of my own, my health has been rapidly declining to the point I struggle to leave the house most days. I've been having multiple tests to try and determine what is wrong with me, and my sick pay is due to run out. I'm also now having to use a stick to keep myself balanced. I also use the local food banks and community places. I've put all events on hold as I can no longer afford to go.

I'm struggling to afford rent and I'm going to come up short for this months rent which is due in a week. And still no sign of financial help from the very people who said they would help me, they've seen me at my lowest crying my eyes out in the office. I'm having suicidal thoughts, it's horrible. I don't want to lose the roof over my head.

If anybody can help or at least share this, I would be forever grateful.

Links to help;

[rainywhispersblog]

[blueskittlesart]

Now that you're gone

[bunnymedley]

.

[winte-ry]

I'm sorry

Masterpost

Next

Previous

[skelekerrry]

I take you where you want to go

I give you all you need to know

I drag you down, I use you up

Mr. Self Destruct

Nine Inch Nails - Mr. Self Destruct

[saebaragi]

i can't kill myself just yet, xukun is literally going to met gala

[pancakemolybdenum]

worlds smuggest tween owning noobs on wizard101

[hamoodmood]

Just relapsed after 6 months

[kangel-kinnie]

@uzi-x33 <— my main !! (if yu wanna see my art/happier posts nd stuff. I’ll be following ppl on there.)

it’s uzi, this is my vent blog :p

pls dni if yu know me irl<3

[ im a minor, dont be weird pls T_T im not making moots on this blog, sry ]

I’ll make random text posts and whisper vents, that’s abt it🤷🏼‍♀️

this is basically my personal diary ig

trigger warnings for self harm (tho I don’t post pics of my sh I vent abt it alot.) suicidal stuff, ed, existentialism, many mentions of death and shit, panic attacks, social anxiety, anxiety, among other things.

I am incredibly pro recovery, except when it comes to myself. stay safe, love ya<3

🙏BLESS🙏

your average kangel / ame - chan kinnie <3!

[even-disco-baby]

THOUGHT GAINED: INFERNAL ENGINES

PROBLEM

The world is ending. You know it, your neighbor knows it, the dealer knows it, the jailer knows it, the king and all his men know it. All one has to do is look around to see it— the future is curdling into something pale and incorporeal. The infernal machine that is this stupid world is going to blow, sooner rather than later. So what are you doing? Why are you still here? Why is anyone still here?

SOLUTION

You are doing the only thing worth doing. You are living. *Why,* you ask? Try and remember now. Remember your mother’s hand on your shoulder. Remember the taste of a fresh catch. Remember the times when you were kind to the dogs in the valley and they did not bare their teeth. Remember the weight of a child on your shoulders. Remember the stars throwing their light against the wall of sodium and smog. Remember singing until your throat was raw. Remember crying just as loudly and publicly, and the gentleness with which someone opened your curled fist and pressed a handkerchief into your palm. Crying, laughing, running, eating, screaming, haunting, loving, fighting, fighting, fighting. The fight fuels you, and you fuel the fight. You run yourself ragged just for a chance to keep running. You never stop. You cannot stop. The world depends on it. *You* are the infernal engine. You are the world. And, simply put: you want to live.

[monsters-demons-and-ai-oh-my]

TW: Talk about mental health and sui ideation and sui attempt

I feel the need to talk more about Jayce's "attempt" again because of what I learned from his journal in the "Council Archives"

There's a fair argument to be made that Jayce was already in a very bad headspace even BEFORE the explosion in his apartment.

If you read Jayce's journals it feels like Jayce was ALREADY spiraling before he got kicked out of the academy. For a few reasons.

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1.Jayce was very isolated to begin with.

He was working on experiments he knew were illegal and was so paranoid about being found out he started coming up with insults to call another student who almost caught him throwing away a failed experiment.

He also seemed to only be able to cheer himself up by talking shit about other people's work and how everyone else just couldn't measure up to how important his work was and would be. And when he finally meets Viktor he talks about never really thinking he'd take to working with another scientist.

(Honestly, pre-act 1 Jayce comes off a little more like his LOL counterpart which make me believe Arcane Jayce meeting and working with Viktor as early as he did is what helped make him the version of himself he is in Arcane?)

------

2. Jayce was not really sleeping and his schoolwork and grades were going downhill.

He talks in his journal about the fact that he's not getting to sleep until sunrise a lot of nights because he was trying and failing to make the crystals work.

And as a direct consequence of not sleeping he talks about Heimerdinger (the DEAN) having to come talk to him because his grades are slipping.

Jayce literally decides to make a graph correlating his lack of sleep to his poor academic performance.

(Later he expresses concern that he might get expelled from the academy because his work is slipping that badly).

And remember all the while when he is so sleep-deprived he can't focus on coursework he is FULLY CONVINCED he can figure out Hextech. You know a whole new field of study. It doesn't work, shockingly.

------

3. Ximena was already worried about Jayce wellbeing and trying to get him to go outside and be around others.

He eats some snacks insults some people's work to himself and then goes back to doing what he was doing.

Not a lot to talk about with this one except it's no wonder she tried to get him to back off magic if she could already tell he wasn't okay especially when we consider the state he was in at that point.

You also see that both his mother and Heimerdinger were expressing valid concern for him only for him to brush it off.

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4. Near the end of the journal entries before we get to the ACT 1 content he says some concerning things considering his later attempt on his life.

First he starts to doubt what he's getting anywhere he remembers something Heimdinger once said about most inventors failing a 1000 times before succeeding and he makes a self-deprecating joke about "I suppose I must be closing in...".

Then he straight up says he can't see a path forward.

And when makes a pros and cons list of his experiments where he talks about how the work with the crystals is very dangerous and if he pushes to much it could kill him but also how he's in danger of getting expelled if he can't sort out his schoolwork.

and then he writes.

"Which is worse? Killed or expelled?"

Which is certainly a Harry Potter reference but also given his eventual attempt is very telling.

And it's closely followed by him saying his mom was worried about him, which... seems valid.

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Also on a side note unrelated to the journal entries.

Jayce's attempt was not a choice made suddenly in a rush of emotion like Viktor's, he planned it.

Jayce not only left what was implied to be a suicide note he took the methodical time to literally WAX SEAL the note with his official house mark. And it took Viktor a long long while of talking to him to get him to back away from the ledge. He was fully committed to committing.

-------------------------------------------------

Final thoughts: I think Jayce was in a place in his mind backed into a corner.

He wasn't able to reach out for help or even trust anyone because of the nature of his work. He wasn't listening to people that were concerned about him. And the way in which Jayce was doing his work was damaging to himself and his life in general. He was spiraling.

He needed someone else there to share the weight of what he was trying to do, to be able to reach out to outside of his own head which was the person Viktor became to him.

Part of me even wonders if Jayce was already in a place where he might have ended up on that ledge without the explosion if he didn't change his ways or have a sudden breakthrough.

[sad-empty-lost]

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

[birdsribcage]

Just a silly little girl with silly little thoughts of suicide

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Autistic and “struggling to “let go”

Neurodivergent Lou