#tw for mental health issues and me just generally talking about struggling i guess

[hwanghyunjinenthusiast]

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[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi guys! Got an anon ask with some triggers, so I'm copying it here so I can put a 'read more.'

TW: ED, SH

Here's the original ask:

hey Cas!

hru today? <3

I rlly don’t wanna bother u but I just need some advice bc I’m in a pretty tricky situation and I don’t know who I couldn’t turn to who wouldn’t then tell OTHER people (adults etc)

also a TW b4 anyone reads further: ED (not me but a a friend) and generally bad mental health (including sh and sui)

Basically I have this friend (one of my best friends) who’s struggled with really bad mental health and attempted in the past (we weren’t friends during this time but they’ve shared it with me) they have told me they no longer sh but I’m not entirely sure if I believe him on that but I guess there’s nothing to do except just take their word for it and they are definitely doing better than they were before (about a year or two ago)

thing is this friend does still have a (pretty bad I think) ED (specifically I think they have anorexia but I’m really not sure because I don’t know that much about EDs. I’ve tried to do some research but it’s actually incredibly hard to find any info about them especially in terms of ways to emotionally show support. In a medical sense they always seemed to be talked about like minor things(?) idk it’s hard to explain but often times I’ve been reading actual factual medical stuff and just been disgusted at the ways it’s discussed, like they try so hard to describe it from a technical viewpoint that they essentially the entire mental health aspect of it which kind of demeans the whole thing bc EDs ARE a mental health disorder)

sorry went on a little side rant there but basically I’ve tried to find stuff out but it’s really hard to learn about the mental health aspect and even harder to find stuff out about how to HELP someone through an ED

I’ve even resorted to looking thru some more unsavoury places for info (including anablr), I know these types of places encourage EDs and I am actually not a person who really loves their body very much but I do think I’m in a strong enough place emotionally to do this (and so far I’ve been correct, I’m unaffected) because I just wanted some actual insight on what it’s like

the problem with my friend is that she’s ALREADY in therapy. Her parents put her in it when they found out about her vaping habit but they just lie all the time (she tells me about it) because they have like serious trust issues due to past trauma and I’m gonna be honest, I 100% believe therapy is a good thing but sadly it is also entirely useless if the person doesn’t make any effort to get better

all I can do in that aspect of it is hope the therapy is going better than the jokes he makes about it or that eventually she will feel comfortable enough to share and process her issues

in terms of the ED what im really lost with is how to help

and don’t get me wrong, I know you can’t really help a person who doesn’t want to be helped but honestly I’m not giving up on this person I care about that easily. I will NOT be another person in their life who abandons them for being ‘too much’ or ‘too difficult’. I’ve already accepted the fact that I will not be able to help them out of it really (as best as I can at least)

I’ve already taken to carrying gum and mints in my school bag as much as I can (usually I’ll have a pack of both and I just share them with everyone so this person doesn’t actually catch wind that they’re the reason I do as quite often when they skip lunch they do help themselves to a few of my mints or gum pieces but ik if they knew it was for them they’d stop bc she’s just like that)

I just don’t know how else to help emotionally though, I’m one of the only people (I might be the ONLY person at all) that they feel comfortable enough to talk to about these issues and I just think its better that they’re telling someone who cares about them and is trying to help than telling no one at all which seems to be the alternative. The issue is I don’t know how to respond or show support especially because (thank u trust issues and trauma (/s) the window of vulnerability is SMALL (I’m talking a couple of seconds literally) before they’re joking and changing the subject

Also a small (but frankly compared to the rest of this, not very important) detail is that like I previously mentioned I am also not suuuper happy with my body ( I don’t sh really or have an ED in any way shape or form) and sometimes the stuff he says slightly upsets me (just like once I told him about how my mean grandma told me I was fat and had to eat less and he said his grandma forces him to eat more and that my grandma ‘sounds like her wet dream’ - I know this was just a joke obviously but I didn’t rlly love it considering my grandma is a pretty big source of my looks based insecurities)

like I said in no way is it on the same level and obviously I know it’s not coming from a place of malice because this friend also really looks out for my mental health like way more than my other friends tbh (I don’t know if it’s bc they struggled with it or whether they’re the only one who seems to notice I’m the therapist friend haha but they are the FIRST person to ask if anything’s wrong if I’m acting different and I rlly want to stress that because I know that from what I’ve said so far they may have come across as selfish or something but they are actually one of the kindest people ever) that’s especially why I’m worried if I bring anything up about wanting to help with little things or especially anything about not being a fan of little jokes that she’ll just stop talking about it at all in an attempt to make me feel more comfortable)

for context for all of this, I’m 15 (we both are) so still in school and they’re parents absolutely SUCK (in the most non violent way possible I would like to kill them [not actually but I do really hate them and wish them only the worst]) so there’s no emotional support coming from home for him

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this in real life because (for privacy reasons) they’ve asked me not to share it with like my other friends and I don’t have the greatest relationship with my parents (they’re not like abusive or neglectful or anything but we just have a lot of differences and just I’ve very much emotionally distanced myself from them)

sorry if this is too much because I do know it’s a really tricky situation and even though all of us sort of deify you, you’re still only one person and if this does make you uncomfortable or upset (not just if it’s triggering I mean just in general if you’re reading this and you don’t feel comfortable) in anyway please don’t force yourself to answer or feel guilty if you don���t because the last thing I’d want to do is put you in that kind of position

Im not sure if ill send in more anons but if I do then ill refer to myself (and you can call me) lacy anon so you know who I am (yes after the song bc i rlly love it haha)

Anyway sending lots and lots of love from the person who does basically look up to you as their adult role model and who I wanna be like when I’m older <3

Hi love! You're not bothering me at all!

So, first, I want to let you know that I am an adult, but when I say this, I hope you don't take it as...condescending, I guess? Because I don't mean it that way at all. I want to be realistic in the fact that these things you are dealing with are VERY grown-up and scary, and you are handling them in a remarkably mature way, but you are still legally fifteen.

This is way too much for a fifteen year old to take on.

You genuinely seem like the most amazing person. The fact that you have done research and carry around things for your friends, all to help them with their ED is frankly restoring my faith in humanity a bit. But I worry that you are placing WAY too much of the responsibility on yourself. I don't mean to be bleak or too blunt, but if god forbid anything ever happened, I would hate for you to blame yourself, and it sounds like you would. Your job is to be this person's friend. Not their therapist or caretaker.

So, here's my advice: I absolutely agree that you should not give up on them! But make sure you have boundaries. It broke my heart to read that you were going to places like anablr just to help- that's not healthy for you! As a friend, especially at your age, your most important job is to make sure your friend doesn't feel alone. And you're doing an amazing job, in my opinion. They seem to be willing to talk to you, and that's a big deal. But, in the best way, you are fifteen, and you don't have to have all the answers! Sometimes, the best way to support someone is to remind them that they are loved and they have someone in their corner. BUT remember that being there for someone doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself or your mental health. Say something if a joke makes you uncomfortable. "I love you so much, but that joke makes me feel uncomfortable. Can you maybe not joke like that?" It's okay and healthy to set those boundaries.

Please remember, you are not responsible for this person. You can love them and be there for them and care deeply, but you are responsible for you and your own health. Don't forget you.

My last very gentle suggestion is this: If you ever get to the point that you are so genuinely worried about this friend that you think it is a life-or-death situation, please don't take that on by yourself. I know it is scary, and I know that telling adults mean that there can be ramifications, but remember that if you are genuinely scared, then an adult needs to be there to keep everyone safe. Very bluntly: Trust can be rebuilt but you can't bring people back from some other very permanent decisions.

Again, you are a wonderful person, and a fantastic friend. But remember to take yourself into account and stay safe in all ways. I know this is probably not the advice you want to hear, but I hope maybe you'll consider it.

Sending so much love! <3 <3 <3

[highnsleepdeprived]

Tw and this will be the longest post I will ever make and have ever made. But I need to get this off my shoulders I need to say anything to anyone who may or may not listen. If you read this, do me or comment I need input. I guess this is a sort of aita or just how do I make ppl happy without destroying my mental health in the process? I need balance, I need something, anything. Really, I’m not sure what I need. But any words are encouraged. I know I’m not gonna get answers. But just, is this normal ? Am I being too much? Should I keep to myself? Is any of this worth it anymore?? Anyways, bless your heart if anyone reads this novel lol.

Anyways.

I’m a week sober now.

I thought life would be so much better. But my old repressed problems arose so fast and out of nowhere. It’s been extremely difficult.

Every night I have dreams of trying to use and I never get to in my dream. I wake up before I can get high at least in a dream. Then I’m awake and have nothing to satisfy the urge. So I go back to sleep. Then, The dreams get violent, terrifying, and too real. I wake up screaming, sometimes yelling my boyfriend’s name. He’s always in the other room. Used to run in and hug me tell me it’s just a dream etc. Now he seems to get annoyed, doesn’t come in now, and seems to like it better when he doesn’t know what’s going on in my head. Everyone seems to like it better actually.

My ptsd has come back with a vengeance during sobriety. It feels like the (tw) rape, near death experiences, guns to the head, knives to the throat, no one coming when I’d scream even in a house full of people…being drugged, the attempts on my life, overdoses, the hundreds of hospital and psych visits, the physical and mental abuse, the homeless months doing things I wouldn’t ever have thought I’d ever do, getting beat the shit out of for no reason other than being an easy target, even just little things I regret.. the general trauma I guess..it’s all replayed all over again in my brain, many times a day. It’s like I’m really there again. I’m always brought back to those moments, those feelings. My god it feels so real. It’s so vivid, I can smell the air of the memory, I can feel it all happen again, I can see the surroundings like I never left In the first place. Worst of all is seeing the look on their pleased faces after all is said and done. The pain in my stomach. The bruises and suffocation. The guns and knives to my head, my neck. Every detail of it all. I feel it. I see it. I smell it. I’m back there, like I’ve time travelled somehow to the worst times of my life.

So I got the courage up to tell my boyfriend, and my mother. I explained only the fact that the ptsd is back and the nightmares. I said I feared if I didn’t let someone know I would do something reckless and irrational trying to make it all stop in my head. I asked if they could check up on me sometimes, or even just support me in this hard time.

My god was that ever a mistake.

I was told me telling my struggles and my cries for help are abusive..I’m told I’m burdening the people I love. That I have control over myself and my mental health. That no one should have to hear about it because it’s not their issue. My mother said “why are you telling me this? Why are you doing this to me? What did I ever do to you?” Like I had said it was her fault or something. It was like I explained it all word for word, said it was her fault, or called her the worst names under the sun. But I didn’t.. I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong, I thought maybe she thought I felt this way because of something she thought she may have done so I said it isn’t her fault and that I never thought that, and never wanted it to come across that way. She said it didn’t, but I am torturing her by telling her my struggles cause she doesn’t deserve to hear it. She said That it’s abusive to put my problems on others, which was not my intention so I felt terrible.. I promised I wouldn’t talk about any negativity to her no matter how I feel.

My boyfriend told me to stop being so negative and said only I can help myself. He thinks I’m focusing on these awful memories like I want to, not that they invade my mind whenever they feel like it. He said I’m “playing victim” and continued by saying “ it’s over with” and to stop acting like I’m some weak victim still, but In my eyes, I was a survivor not a victim.. I was only trying to speak of how I felt for my safety and maybe get feedback on what may be helpful for these moments, or just get some physical love, a hug, at very most maybe just feedback from the two people who I thought know me best..

But talking about how I’m feeling and hoping for some empathy or what would be above and beyond to me, would be an idea or plan to make things easier when episodes happen and I’m alone, because I don’t have a counsellor yet that’s coming this week. So, thinking he’d say let’s watch a movie to distract or something, was so wrong. Wanting support knowing I’m unable to handle it myself, or talking about the issue at all apparently makes me some kind of monster..

But How do you explain to some who doesn’t get flashbacks that there’s no way to control it? They don’t seem to get it.

I’m told I seem to want to be a victim. That I’m weak. Should’ve been over it by now. The people who are supposed to love me and care, think I’m abusive for wanting help, advice, comfort, anything..even just company which was all i ended up asking for at all. there were no harsh words said, no abusive behaviour done, I was just wanting comfort. And somehow that is abusive of me, to want sympathy. Not pity. I don’t fucking want pity. That is the last thing I want, it feels demeaning and desperate on my end if that’s what I wanted. I hate pity. I won’t give it and don’t want it. But I will give understanding and empathy. And obviously I want that too.. Or even just a hug.. all I asked was for my boyfriend to sit with me so I don’t feel so alone. I need something just until counselling is ready for me after creating a new file and giving me a worker. But It’s abusive to put that on someone else they said. To ask for the man I love to sit in the same room as me, just for comfort, is being an abusive burden. Being upset that I still have to deal with the past like it’s the present makes me a victim who wants to play that role still apparently. Thinking it’s not fair to still have to relive it after it’s all done years later, they say, makes me unreasonable. talking about it is unreasonable, so is hoping for at least an indication that I’m allowed to open up like I always have been before, an indication that the people I care about the most have my back. It’s my mom and boyfriend, I thought they did... they always have. I’m hurting and it’s my fault that I can’t stop, they say it like I don’t try, that I haven’t tried dbt, cbt, inpatient trauma rehab, every medication I could have tried, individual therapy with over a dozen different therapists, even 45 visits to the psych ward. But I’m still not trying enough..? Or haven’t at all!? I’m victimizing myself and it’s my fault I’m struggling because I feel all the past trauma happen all over again because of a disorder that I haven’t gotten under control of yet?? I should be stronger I’m told, not let it get to me. I agree I should be stronger. After all this time I should know better, feel better. But the drugs numbed me for so long I haven’t felt this in so much time that it feels worse than before. Opening up about it to them both, to me, took strength.. but I wasn’t just shut down I was told everything I feel is invalid, everything I’ve done to make progress wasn’t really progress cause I wasn’t really trying, and in some weird way I agree. cause it didn’t work. And to talk about it to the loml, to my family, is evil of me. They act Like I’m putting it in my mind myself , starting the flashbacks on my own, and talking to them for some type of relief, to them is me trying to make their day worse and make them feel guilty. They’ve always done more than enough and I make sure they know I feel blessed, this all felt so out of nowhere..

How do I make them see that I can’t control it? That I could be thrown back into a terrible memory, so vivid I can see it and feel it all over again, one that completely ruins the progress I’ve made. How do I get them to see that I try to build myself back up all over again, but that it’s almost impossible to do alone, and that I can’t help it I can’t control ptsd episodes and if I could I would. Why would I want to remember this shit? Let alone relive it?? Is it so evil to know that I need support from people who matter most to me to build myself back up and ask for that support in the form of just being nearby ? I live with my bf, neither of us work currently, so asking to sit in the same room shouldn’t be so terrible it shouldn’t be something evil to ask.. we always spend every hour of the day together and it has always been great, we don’t get sick of each other etc.. but today he’s been ignoring me and playing video games. I’ll repeat myself and he will reply “I heard you. Not sure what to say”. But he always knows what to say. I think he’s just sick of my baggage, sick of me not being better yet. I thought he knew I do what I can though, and that it’s not a mind over matter type thing. When I told him he didn’t believe me.

They don’t say all these things about my seizures and it’s the same type of thing. Even if I feel it coming on, I can’t stop it. If I say I feel like I may have a seizure they listen and jump into action but when it’s my mental health it’s horrible of me to make it clear that I’m struggling. They say they think I want to stew in my emotions and drag them into it. I’m working on getting help through new resources, but until that day comes, I thought the people who always have helped would be supportive. Or even just be nearby, at least respond. I do what I can, it’s not enough. If all this happened without the calling me abusive and a victim etc, I’d understand. I know they aren’t professionals and have no obligation to help I don’t expect anything but a hug or even to just sit in silence with someone. But why is my pain what makes me so horrible? If I did shit like blame them, or told them they aren’t helping or doing enough, swore, called names, directed anger to them, I’d understand then.. ya that’s abusive behaviour. but to want to feel loved, not alone, and just a bit of empathy, To want any sort of support I think is okay… but in their eyes it means I’m weak for wanting that or even feeling how I do. I have to do it alone or I’m “trying to be a victim”, “trying to get attention” “want to keep the victim mentality going so others pity me”. Pity to me, is the last thing I want. But if to want support or ask to talk, to sit in a room together, is evil and abusive and makes me a weak victim that doesn’t want change then what am I supposed to do? These words make me feel unworthy of life and unworthy of treatment, like I don’t deserve to get better. If that’s how I am why should I deserve any good at all ? Would I still be so terrible if I began keeping my pain, my thoughts, my body, my everything, to myself? Would they love me more if I were silent? Put on a smile, wear a mask of a person who is doing well, play the part, bottle up whatever’s not pleasant for others sake (and mine so I’m not alone) so I can open it when I’m alone, vulnerable, irrational, at risk? or maybe never open it again..? Have my mind suffer but keep it separate from the persona everyone wants to see. The caricature of someone with no baggage, happy all the time and doesn’t have any diagnosis that makes me more than imperfect but makes me totally unbearable and makes everyone near me miserable. I feel like with a bit of time and help professionally, mixed with support from loved ones, I’d be that person eventually, maybe not exactly but I wouldn’t be faking at least..

They deserve the best, I love them both to death and they’re great people so I must be doing something wrong, they’re probably right and if I’m not at my best and it makes me a monster for them to know that, then I’ll act okay again. The fake it till u make it doesn’t work in this specific scenario ptsd doesn’t work that way for me, but It seems like the only solution right now, to keep my family and boyfriend happy hopefully, or at least keep me in their lives.

I thought I was a survivor..but apparently I’m still a victim. Or at least that’s what others see. Someone who will always be or “want” to be the victim.

I just wanted to be a survivor. I thought that’s how I came across..like a kind, loving, strong, survivor. Not a weak, abusive, victim who is a bother to be around or know..

The lines have began to blur. Is it really so wrong to explain your feelings to the people closest to you ..? Am I really so terrible?? Should I even keep getting real help and more of it if I seem like a victim, like I’m trying to be one? Do I really not seem like a survivor? Does pain mentally really make me weak..?

I don’t know what’s real anymore.

I don’t know what to think or feel anymore.

I’d rather feel nothing at all.

Hear nothing.

Be nothing.

Because Then who will I burden?

I can’t be a burden if I’m alone. If I’m gone.

Maybe it’s what’s wanted, what’s needed. I’m not even sure what to do or what’s worth it anymore. Doesn’t seem like anything is tbh. I try so hard to be a good person, at least be better than before.. to hear I’m doing the opposite today, when before i was told i was doing well because I didn’t complain about my mental health, hearing this is how loved ones think of me, no matter how much I have tried, is so discouraging. I’m looked down on. All I wanted was to hear it’ll be okay. Hear “I’m sorry that must be hard” or an “I’ll be here if you need”, even offering a damn tea.. I would be so happy, I’d know they’re trying too. In times like these, I think anyone and everyone deserves kindness. In dark times sometimes we can’t be our own light. These two people have always been that light for me, but they must have had enough. I don’t blame them.

I need to be strong for the ones I love, not trauma dump and in return be looked down on and seem like I’m trying to keep myself in pain or bring others down with me.

That’s not who I am. I can’t believe this is who I’m seen as now.. I’m gonna lose the people I love and need most over my mental heath being too much baggage, and my past following me into the future. If only I hadn’t been so trusting, letting these traumatic bs things happen to me. I should have had my guard up. I only wanted a shoulder to cry on, to vent a bit or hear a couple kind words, I just wanted to feel loved. I never wanted to seem so horrible, seem like I’m trying to make this who I am or ruin someone’s day or relationship with me by speaking about my issues. I figured they know me best, they’d know what to say or at least how to reassure me. I can’t always do this on my own but I’m gonna have to until a counsellor picks up my case. But then will I burden them..? I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know who I am anymore. I know when I do wrong and I know when to apologize I do everything I can to be the best I can. Pain changes people, I wanted to get input from people closest to me before the pain changed me for the worst. But I’m already not the person I thought I was apparently I’m everything I always wanted not to be… if anyone has any sort of words good or bad I just need to know what to think at this point. Should I keep to myself from this point on?? Just deal with the flashbacks hold back tears and pretend it didn’t happen ? Am I really being that way to them ? I see how it’s unfair because both don’t like to open up about feelings but I make sure constantly that they know when they’re ready to they can. It just hurts knowing that isn’t reciprocated. If anyone can give me an idea on how not to be so awful to them but still hopefully get the support I need I would be very grateful. I know there’s probably no one reading this. But if you did thank you. I just need to turn this around so I’m not the person they see me as cause now it’s all I can think about.

[snailsagere]

Please read my dni in my bio before interacting

Life update #1

So you guys voted for the life updates so here we are :3

I'll post them whenever something significant happens and I'll include a trigger warning at the top of each post!

Tw- mentions of ED, talk about poor mental health, m*d!ca! mentions etc this post will pretty much be a brief rundown on why I am so not good haha, I'm not going to go into detail but still!

So I originally started my silly tumblr account in 2020 and definitely wasn't expecting to get as much attention on it like I did, obviously I appreciate it so so much but I wasn't expecting it, but I am mentally ill so it makes it hard sometimes for me to post-

1) I have anxiety so interacting with people is very hard for me which is why I think I may come across as rude sometimes, I really don't mean to but I just struggle talking to anyone because of my brain

2) I have depression so my motivation is usually not very good, I would like to be able to complete requests faster but I really can't and I'm sorry about that

As well as all this I have a lot of issues with my day-to-day life, I don't really talk about more serious topic but a quick run-down of my diagnosis' and extra stuff I guess-

I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, ptsd and autism

And I believe I had anorexia and am currently recovering from that, I also strongly believe I have borderline personality disorder due to childhood trauma which I don't really want to go into rn and I'm very certain that I have chronic pain as I have had constant back pain since I was around 12 after my spinal surgeries I had when I was 10 and 11 (I had really severe scoliosis), also I have come to the conclusion that I likely have these things based off lots of research! I believe you should always make sure to research anything before assuming you may have it! And I do want to talk to my doctor about a bpd diagnosis at some point but my ptsd is medical (from my surgeries) so doctor trips are not ideal so I've been a bit slow with it but as I said I have done lots of research into it!

In general lots of stuff in my life make everything really difficult for me so yea, but I'm trying my best!

I will post these little life updates whenever something significant happens etc as you all voted for me to post these so I will try my best to do so!

If you wanna ask any questions about anything really I'm fine with that! Obviously if I don't feel comfy answering I won't but I'm ok answering most things I believe! Just please be kind! :3

[puyoginge]

What's been going on with me.

3 years later I’ve decided to resurrect my Tumblr because it is my sanctuary and the social media ever. I disbanded twitter because it makes me angry all the time and for the sake of preserving my dwindling adult sanity. lol.

You may remember me from my few posts under the username yaboinate28. very 2018 lol. I posted a lot of trans / general mental health relatable stuff to manage my struggle with gender dysphoria and hopefully connect with others who felt the same as me. If you want to get a taste of what's been going on since then then please do read on below!! (TW mental health stuff)

WHY I LEFT

Some time in 2020 I purged all my trans posts, removing all my incentive to return to this new decade apocalypse of a site. I guess was feeling really insecure about the discordance between my Tumblr open-transness (??) and my irl extreme stealth thang. I was chronically worried about people from my real life finding my account basically. 

Much of my stuff was very Tumblr cringe and probably stuff you’ve seen before but there were a couple of self help posts that were actually insanely good resources for coping with gender dysphoria (particularly in the early stages of social transition) which I seriously regret deleting. I remember a lot of my memes “blowing up” which made me feel really special and like I could contribute something to the world. As a young teenager struggling with self harm and severe depression as well as navigating my life within a home that outright rejected my trans identity, my Tumblr was my lifeline, the people I met made me feel hopeful for the future, and seeing people reblog with “I needed to hear this” or “thanks so much for posting” meant everything to me.

But its important for me to address that I’m not the person I was back then, !!and whilst I'll be attempting to find and repost some of those self help resources!!, I probably won’t be posting about my trans experience much anymore other than within this entry. But please please reach out if you need someone who’s been through it to talk to. I’d love to support you however i can!! I’m only a message away. 

LIFE STUFF

Since 2019 my attitude on life has changed a lot and whilst coping with my mental health issues are still a daily hurdle, I’ve found myself a groove in which to sit and ride the wave. Essentially I’m managing and I’m happy and able to maintain a positive outlook on life, which is good. Additionally, with time my family have softened to my trans identity. Its not perfect, but I’m not at risk. I love my family and I don’t blame them for their actions, I’m just taking it slow. 

Passed my GCSES with flying colours, passed my A-levels with regular colours, and I'm going to uni. Life has continued and its good. And whilst I would rather eat my own shit than go back and relive the days when my mum had to force me me out the door to get me to go to school, I made it through every last day. That's fucking badass, and tbh I'm pretty resilient now because of it lol.

I guess my point is (crass warning) see the joy in what you have. Take life day by day. Don’t let yourself take the easy route, because then you’ll learn how fucking strong you are. And you are stronger than you think even if all your cards are stacked against you.

TRANSITION STUFF

Since the last time we spoke I’ve legally transitioned, and am (at the time of writing) dealing with the initial admin of medical transition. I’ve been speaking regularly with a gender specialist therapist for 2 years. more recently I’ve been exploring my gender expression with my new found freedom. AND I’m in a relationship with someone who is beautiful and kind and couldn’t be more supportive of me (I adore them). And.... I’m still as stealth as ever. Just as resistant to say “yAYYyy i’m trAns!!!” as I’ve always been. I fucking love it. Some things never change lol. As I said family are being dragged by the tail along with me and have warmed to the whole thing. Support is not the word, but acceptance is pretty apt. They both realise it’s always been “me” at this point and that's enough for the time being.

WHO I AM NOW

I’m now an adult (wtf so surreal????) I have allowed my passion for retro gaming to flourish, recently got super fucking into rhythm games, developed a healthy collection of games and consoles which I may post about perhaps. Resurrected my love for anime, particularly dumb slice of life shows and Madoka Magica (all hail you beautiful broken masterpiece of infinite spinoff potential)

I found my interest in psychology (wowwww surprise!!) Got a job, found some friends, told some people a long overdue fuck off. And rounded myself into a much more open minded person than I used to be.

I couldn’t care less how many people read this, mainly I’m doing it for me. To provide myself a clean slate and stuff. But if you do read this, and you used to enjoy my silly little posts or find them helpful or whatever: I hope you’re well, I’m glad you stuck around and I hope you stay :)

[inyourwildestdreams22]

I’m sorry to spring this on you. I’m only sending you this because you work with mental health issues and I don’t really know what to do. I’ve been thinking about asking you this for almost a week now and even more so with the passing of Fez. I’m sorry if this is too much and I understand if you don’t answer.

My best friend committed suicide just over two weeks ago. The thing is I knew she was feeling suicidal and I didn’t say anything about it to anyone. Everyone, family and friends, knew she suffered from depression but she only confided in me about how bad it actually was. A few days before her death she was the happiest she’d been in a long time and I thought that she was finally okay. It was the summer break and we were doing all of the things we both loved to do. There was no indication that she was feeling depressed again. In March she attempted to drink pills but she called me before she took them and we stayed on the phone that whole night and talked it out. I know it’s not an excuse but I honestly thought she was okay after that. I know I would’ve said something if I thought it was that bad and now I feel guilty because it could’ve been prevented had I just said something. I know the grief her family is feeling right now could’ve been prevented if I said something. Last week her mother mentioned something about how it was like we had the old Alissa back for a few days and it truly felt like that. I don’t know, I guess I’m just wondering if you think I should let her family know that I knew she was suicidal? I feel like I would be even more of a coward if I didn’t let them know that I knew how she felt.

You can obviously ignore this, I guess I just needed to get it of my chest. I’m sorry for putting this on you. :)

TW: suicide

this is such a heavy topic to answer here and complicated to unpack, first of all sorry for your loss. i don’t know what to tell you about telling their family, if you feel like you need to tell them to get it out to deal with grief then do it, I don’t know how they would respond to that, take into account they lost her and nothing is gonna bring her back so the response could be a bunch of things, grief is complicated.

As a general thing and please don’t take it as if I’m blaming you or anything cause I know is complicated to deal with those things, but I want to take the oppportunity to say to whoever is reading this that if someone confides in you about suicidal thoughs always, always take it seriously, there is a big misconception that if someone vocalizes it they won’t do it and it’s not true, also recommend them to get help. There is also a big common thing of suicidal people that they suddenly get better and look happy before doing it, mainly because they finally made the decision and they feel at peace, so if someone who struggles close to you suddenly gets better ask them about it, it’s not always the case of course but it does not hurt to ask. Also don’t be afraid to ask about suicidal thoughts, another big misconception is that asking makes it worse and it’s not true.

Lastly I feel like you should go see a therapist, I feel by what you wrote that you really need to talk to someone and a therapist would help you inmensely to proccess that grief, specially being that traumatic. Sending you love.

[lighthouse-system]

You wanna know what made me so pro self-dx? TW for talking about dead shit and corpses in general.

I had an issue with my dissociative disorder where I genuinely believed I was dead. Like I feared cracking my knuckles at the risk of snapping off my fingers or tugging my hair too hard while brushing it in case I ripped my scalp or something. I struggled to eat regularly because I was convinced I was dead and the day this started was that final .05 seconds before actual death where the brain just fires off every chemical it can in a panic. Every day after that in my mind was post-death and my brain slowly just dwindling into nothing.

This very understandably scared me shitless. I felt very disconnected from the rest of the world as I called existence itself into question. To make it easier, I projected these feelings onto 2D. I said it was like Cotard's Delusion. And I got messages calling me an ableist dick for appropriating the whole thing. Well, turns out when I talked to my trauma therapist, guess what the label for the experience was. Yeah. I know Cotard's Delusion is not a DX but a symptom, but still. The sentiment of why this mindset is harmful shows clearly in this example. I almost didn't tell my therapist because I was told I was being a dick, so I figured I needed to just write it off as me faking or something. I only said something because it started to affect my physical health as well. How are we supposed to move forward in normalising mental health if we silence mentally ill people whenever they talk about their mental health?

That really pissed me off with the anti self-dx mindset because its people telling others they're part of the problem because their experience isn't 100% alike.

[imsupposedtobearesponsibleteen]

I was put in a less than ideal situation and I'm mad about it

Hello, before I start telling you this story, quick tw; themes of suicide, self harm, bipolar disorder, and mental health services.

For the record, I have bipolar type 2, and I live with 3 girls. I'm a trans guy (this is relevant later, as is the next piece of information). For the past 5 weeks, my housemates have all been a little bit off. Couldn't put my finger one what, or why. this was, but they were. For the past 3 of those 5 weeks, the three of them have barely spoken to me, and the most I've managed to get out of them is "the next time you're in the living room, open the windows."

So, on Thursdays morning, i woke up to banging on my bedroom door and 2 men yelling. I check my phone, its 2am and I have 5 missed calls from a withheld number. At this point, I'm scared and confused, but know that if i don't answer my bedroom door, whoever is yelling is gonna come in my room (I have a funny thing about people in my room). I open my bedroom door to find 2 paramedics stood there. No hi, hello, no "we're here because of A, B, C," what I'm met with is "we know you have bipolar, are you taking your meds?"

At which point im like, what the hell? like what is this? whats going on? start from the beginning, what?

One of them then asks me if I know why they're there, and I'm like, well no, obviously, it's 2am and you've just woken me up whats happening?

The same guy then proceeds to tell me that the ambulance service have had a phone call from someone saying I was planning on taking my own life and that I was actively and "seriously" self harming (they were his words not mine, I don't believe that the way someone self harms or depth someone goes is a relevant factor in severity, but elitism in struggling i guess is where this guy was coming from?).

At which point i have to stand there and tell him I am fine, none of this is true and all of what he's been told is unfounded, baseless and a bit of a shock on top of the one I've already had.

The issue is, these paramedics are now doing a welfare check. They can't have me say "I'm fine" and then just leave at this point. So I'm put in the back of the ambulance and we sit there outside my house, and he does my obs. He starts to complain about how high my blood pressure and heart rate are, at which point I remind him of the situation that is currently happening to me and not him. I then have to speak to the crisis team and I get given a crisis appointment at 10:30 am.

I get on the bus at like, 8:15, but while I'm waiting, I send a message to the group chat for my house saying, "can someone please explain what the hell happened at 2am because I'm really confused and rattled."

I then have to explain the entire situation to them, who say that I shouldn't have been put through any of that. The only good thing that came out of me going there was figuring out that my GP had actually given me the wrong information about how to take 1 of my meds, so I'm happy about that so I can take it properly.

On my way back home, I get a reply. "We were concerned about your safety so rang 111 (non emergency general advice medical line in the UK) who told us to ring 999 (the UK solution to 911) so we did."

Bearing in mind that these people have bearly acknowledged my existence for the past month. Hardly. So I ask, "well, none of you have said you were concerned or anything really so like whats the deal? why didn't you ask?" They all see my message. Nobody responds. So I ask again, "none of you have expressed concern or worry, nobody gave me a heads up about the fact you'd rung 999 and Im very shaken and this entire thing could have been avoided if someone had asked, and none of you did, whats the deal?"

Turns out the three of my housemates and the rest of the wider friendship group have been talking about my mental health behind my back. One of them that I live with has admitted to going to university mental health advisors and other people about me and my mental health without talking to me first.

The exact quote "I didn’t decide to ring an ambulance out of the blue to traumatise you, I had been gathering professional advice for weeks on what to do, I met with a mental health advisor who told me to ring 111 asap and the rest was me following professional advice, I was doing what I was told was the correct procedure." In an earlier text she'd said, "I really hope you take on an active role in your own recovery and engage with the support from the uni."

A few things about these 2 statements; number one, I am receiving professional help from a psychiatrist and other professionals outside of the university, hence my bipolar diagnosis and stuff. There has been an assumption made that I'm not receiving help and I don't agree with it, and I can't quite tell if this comes from a place of "you're bipolar, why would you engage?" or if this comes from a place of "I haven't heard you talk about support in our 1 brief conversation about your bipolar so I'm assuming you dont have any." Either way, this comes off as passive aggressive, and shocking someone in a traumatic situation does not push them towards help, it can push them away from it.

Secondly, "I didn't do it to traumatize you." I'm telling you, you traumatized me. Intent isn't impact. The correct response to me telling you that's what you did is communication and acceptance, not deflection.

Thirdly. Lets not lose track that in all of this, i got the shock of my life on thursday morning, but my mental health has been a topic of discussion behind my back and without my consultation or consent for weeks. Nobody bothered to to tell me what was going on for weeks. I feel violated and like I can't trust anyone anymore.

The last thing is, there is no "professional advice on what to do" in this situation. I'll tell you why, the only person that can give me proper mental health support and advice in my situation is my psychiatrist and my GP where appropriate. The "professional advice on what to do" is based one a one sided opinion from a person that did not bother to ask me first and is sneaking around behind my back. If the mental health professionals who are genuinely involved in my care thought there was some sort of issue, trust me, that would have been acted upon if it hasn't already been.

I brought up the fact that I'm a trans guy at the beginning of this, and you are probably wondering what that has to do with anything is this scenario. The reason is, i go by my name with the people I live with and with a number of the charities I do work with, but I haven't got round to changing it legally. That affected the conversation I had with the paramedics because I then had to go through the entire process of telling them about that. Was not a conversation I wanted to have at 2am on a Thursday morning in that situation. I appreciate my housemates calling me my name, but they know my deadname, in that scenario I'd have rather them just have used that to save me the trauma. On top of that, my housemates don't know my student ID number, so if the person that referred me to mental health in the university (which I am going to decline if I get the email because I don't need their support given what I have already) I doubt they'll get in touch because I'm not sure they'll be able to find me because my name on the register is my legal name.

[queer-adhd]

TW disordered eating ; TW neglect ; TW self harm mention

I was wondering if you or your followers have advice for me, since you have so many neurodivergent followers. I've already got a dietician helping me out with the food part, but I'm struggling with the autistic/ADHD part.

At the age of 31 I found out I have a ton of food allergies and intolerances. Apparently I've also developed a histamine intolerance along the way.

This suddenly put a lot of things in perspective: I've always struggled with food, and I realised this is because my parents/childhood environment didn't take these issues seriously and just continually told me to stop making a fuss and finish my plate.

I think I ended up developing ARFID because of this. Seemingly everything I ate made me sick so I just stopped eating unless I was on the verge of fainting, or unless my ADHD made me seek out dopamine (back when I was still unmedicated). I think the fainting thing might be hypoglycemia? I was always told that's a diabetes-only thing but the symptoms match up with how I felt the majority of my life and I recently read it can also be caused by eating disorders.

Thanks to my dietician, I now know what I can digest and what I can't and it's had a major positive effect on my health so far. We've been working on these issues for a year or so now. She's been amazing for the food part, but doesn't know anything about neurodiversity.

I keep getting stuck on the brain part of recovery. I've regained my ability to distinguish nausea from hunger, but I still constantly forget to eat. I've trained myself my entire life to ignore hunger. My sense of time is really bad, so a day will pass by and I'll only realise I forgot to eat all day around dinner time. My ADHD meds probably diminish my sense of hunger too. I enjoy cooking but executive dysfunction makes it hard even though I know I need fresh foods for the histamine thing. My ADHD makes me crave things I can't have whenever my menstrual cycle makes my meds less effective: I make sure I don't have any around, but the dopamine seeking thing makes it hard to eat something else at those times. Autistic sensory issues give me trouble with some safe foods which makes having a balanced diet difficult. I've also just been struggling to find safe foods in general because the various allergies are hard to combine and it takes a lot of research/focus to find new things I can safely add to my diet.

It's also taken me a long time to accept this is a type of eating disorder. Most doctors I talked to about these issues basically reacted the same way my parents did before I found my current dietician. So while I objectively know it's not my fault, I still constantly have to remind myself that I'm not just being difficult and that I really do need all of this. I try to do this with CBT techniques, but I also noticed a problematic trend: I don't seek out allergic reactions, but whenever I do react it feels like a validation of my struggles being real now that I know how to identify an allergic reaction. While I think I'm dealing OK with this at the moment, I'm kinda worried this has the potential to turn into a type of self-harm if my mental health were to take a bad turn in the future. I've already told my therapist, but she's not entirely sure how to deal with this either. (She's looking into it though.)

I can't be the only person struggling with issues like these? Given how ADHD/autism and allergies/histamine issues are comorbid. Does anyone recognise this situation? Any tips on how to deal with it? Or Tumblr/Discord/Reddit groups that talk about this? Or should I just give it more time?

END TW

-

Thank you for running this blog, by the way. Seeing other people's asks here and at Rouke's place has helped me figure out a few other minor health issues too. Your blogs seem to have had a positive impact for a lot of people. Really makes me appreciate the power of community.

So guess who had a response to this in his drafts and then got punched in the face by life repeatedly. Sorry! Here's what I had in drafts:

Ahhh I'm really glad that we've been able to help, even if it's just by linking people to other people who might know how to help better than us.

So I can't offer help on everything but I can confirm that ADHD also makes me forget to eat, and having a structured life kinda helps. I bring lunch to work with me and lunch break is a set time every day where everyone in my office stops to eat, so I don't forget.

I also think that possibly one of these might be helpful:

It's a vibrating wristwatch; it's got ten different alarms, so they're most often used for medication reminders but they're also honestly great for reminding you to eat. They're physical so they don't get silenced when I put my phone on do not disturb, and they haven't set off my sensory issues.

The lights are usually off unless you click the button to check, so the battery life is good and it's rechargeable via micro-usb cable instead of battery replacements.

Also, generally speaking I'd say that a safe food is better than no food or not enough food. Even if you're not managing to eat super healthy or whatever, jump on the opportunities you get where your brain or body says yes, particularly if they're rare.

Regarding the self harm aspect, I've definitely struggled with something similar. It's hard. Feeling validated like that is something very appealing, even if it's objectively miserable. I'd say that as long as you're not seeking them out, it's not too much of an issue. Maybe try and keep track of how often you find this happening; if there's an uptick, then it's time to break out the CBT and also potentially address any stressors in your life that might be contributing.

Also yes ADHD in general can be a contributor to disordered eating; our dopamine pathways are fucked. Food can be a major issue because of that.

As per, please anyone who knows more or has any insight chime in?

[lokislittlesigyn]

//okay just a personal post, carry on and ignore it if you like!

//tw for mental health mention, ptsd, some.. general vent-but-good stuff

So. Ah.

I’ve been wanting to make another personal post for a while. It’s just never felt right. I don’t want to upset people,or seem like I’m begging for attention, or over-share, but I also really appreciate the kind words and support people have. And.. I think I’m supposed to share? I should talk, if the time’s right? I won’t say it’s comfortable, because it isn’t always, and right and comfortable aren’t always the same thing. But I think this is right, even if it may not be comfortable.

Long story short, I brought my parents along to a therapy meeting with a new specialist that my original therapist transferred me to. I was worried my first therapist didn’t have a full grasp of the severity of what’s going on, and I needed my parents help - as the people who spend the most time with me - to express just how bad things are. The new specialist was.. Incredibly kind. He listened and cared and believed us, and suggested two things.

1. We pursue a higher level of care. Because of the severity, meetings every few weeks (or, maybe even once a week) might not be enough.

2. We conduct a series of screenings and tests to gauge what we’re dealing with, and the severity, with the possibility of getting medical necessity for further help/testing.

So this Thursday, we did the tests.

It’s a strange thing. I’ve been desperate to know what exactly is happening. What’s “wrong” with me so to speak. I suppose wrong isn’t a kind word for it, but it’s certainly not fun, the things that are going on... But I digress.

Only one came back truly negative: turns out I probably don’t have ADHD.

But depression? Positive. Moderate-severe. Anxiety? Positive. Moderate, but only because I have coping mechanisms - the specialist thinks it’s more severe than the test shows. OCD? Positive. Extremely high. Stress? I tested in the highest possible section. The same section as first responders. As people who charge into burning buildings. In the specialist’s own words, my stress levels were “off the charts.” And PTSD... I was abundantly positive and severe on that. He said if the population of the US were likened to 100 people, me and only 3 other people would be dealing with the level of PTSD I do.

And after talking to him, he confirmed my suspicions. I struggle with complex PTSD. Multiple traumas happening multiple times over... Years. Over almost my entire life. CPTSD, with symptoms of depression, anxiety, OCD, and high stress, all stemming from the underlying trauma. It was both validating and humbling to find all this out.

On the upside, these are all connected issues, like a bundle of roots from an invasive plant. On the downside, these are all connected issues, compounding on and feeding off one another.

I did another test too. A test for a certain “disorder” that came back two points away from positive. The specialist recommended better testing on that, because the written tests are flawed, and can be biased, and depending on the day results can be different. As I think about it, I realized, I think I answered some of the questions wrong. I misunderstood. And if I’d answered differently - more honestly - I think it might have been positive. I’m not sure.

I’m a little scared, honestly. I desperately want to know what’s going on. To have a name for all of this. To have a name so that I can start knowing what to do. But if I do have this... I’m going to need time to accept and process it.

I had a feeling this summer would bring a lot of self-discovery. I felt I’d find out a lot more about myself this year. Maybe these tests are part of how that happens.

For now, I’m grateful for what we know. We’re pursuing more treatment. We’re getting help. My parents have asked me to make lists of things they can do to help soothe me and make everyday life less hard - even just little things, in the hopes they’ll compound on one another. Good to balance out the bad.

It sounds very strange to me. I can’t help but wonder why we’d change anything. I’m coping well enough as is, aren’t I? I haven’t given up yet, so why should we change anything? But I think that’s the coping talking. I’ve learned that life will only ever get worse. Maybe things can get better? I just have to put faith in the fact they can... Which is immensely difficult. So many other things in my life have proven just the opposite.

But I hope I’ll be victorious one day. I have to hold onto that, right? Hold onto that and keep trying?

For what it’s worth, everyone I’ve told the test results to has been extremely kind. I wasn’t expecting it. I was expecting people to treat me different, I guess, and maybe reveal how exhausting and frustrating I am, or have been, and.. Leave.

But they didn’t.

I’m glad.

if you read this far, i commend you. this is very long and probably a lot of information. i don’t know if this will help anyone but... if you’re struggling, with anything, and you’re able? maybe try to get help. i know it can be hard, and scary, and it might not make sense. but even just in these sessions, i’ve tasted a little bit of kindness, a little bit of relief, a little bit of validation and understanding and proof that what i feel is real. i’m not just making it up or being dramatic. and that alone is worth the trouble.

be gentle with yourself.

[wexhappyxfew]

Shannon! I have a question for today, it might be a little broad, but how did you come up with Natia’s character? :)

AMY!!! hello! sorry that i have *just* gotten to this as my weeks have increasingly gotten insanely busy between my job starting back up, school, college stuff, and ap exam chaos as well haha! i did this at about 11pm(?) and i'll be queuing it up for the morning for you, but outside of tumblr, i've thought a lot about this question and what i really wanted to include in this question. having almost spent 10 months spent writing and developing natia to who she is today makes a whole lot of stuff move through my brain when i go back to my developing stages for her! thank you for the question (and the broadness, never fear, i absolutely love it!)

Natia's character really came from the idea of just wanting to really push myself out of the box and *out there* to see what I could do. And I will say Landslide is one of my most *out-there* projects in terms of content - I mean we have Death as a personified character, crazy Agent Mortem, all these past connections to Natia? It's chaos haha! But, I had experimented previously with a partly Polish-OC, Hazel Parker of "The Soldier of Stars", and from that, I went, well there's no centrally focused Polish OC yet that I have seen (this was back in like June-July 2020 mind you, so there probably has been Polish OCs created since this time!!) and I had always felt that the Warsaw Uprising was inherently important! I also read up on the Polish Resistance and how they were the most effective resistance group of continental Europe during the war, with ultimately the Warsaw Uprising being their last final push that did sort of end that.

Something I've really enjoyed about creating Natia's character was putting a great focus on her flaws. Now, her strengths are just as important - she is a great soldier in the field, she's highly intelligent and can make quick decisions on the fly, she withholds a lot of strength when it comes to situations where she needs to focus, she's observant, and she keeps herself fairly humble when not bursting at the seems. She doesn't let herself get stepped over very often (unless it's Mortem) and if anything she will insert herself, and show what skills she has, but she won't go overboard. She's also passionate about her country and her people and she always has something to fight for and even when she feels all hope is lost, she withholds a tiny little sliver no matter what, even if she doesn't feel it. But her flaws I feel are a massive part of her character. She's stubborn, she won't let people help her, she has trouble expressing emotion, she numbs herself more often than not to not feel the pain that she is supposed to feel, she blames everything on herself, she gets hot-headed quite easily, and grows to the point of nearly irrational at some moments in time and even will let her emotions get the best of her in times like this. But that makes up who Natia is as a character and who she is as a person in general.

But even with the strengths and flaws of her character, it makes her very much still a human being. And that was one of my main goals when creating Natia - make her human enough to make that angst HURT, but make her human enough that when you see her succeed or even the little wins here and there, you want to cheer. Because those are human moments. And I know this sort of character creation is not for everyone, but for me over the past near-year, this has been one of my favorite things about creating Natia because I've found myself able to relate to her even though I'm so vastly different from her.

I did some research on a British-Polish SOE Agent, Krystyna Skarbek otherwise known as her alias Christine Granville and I took a few liberties from this amazing woman and used it on Natia. But things such as Agent Mortem, Death/War connection and the eventual introduction of another character Solomon Campbell (who will be in Part 3), as well as the Resistance group of Part 1 and her siblings and parents, are all more of my own ideas and connections!

Something I have had a LOT of fun doing is showing that even though on the exterior Natia seems cold-hearted and dark and numb, and whatever other *cold+dark* ideas can be thought up, she is very much underneath -- not that. We can see how much evidently she cares for someone like George Luz; I mean even Joe Liebgott has pointed it out to her. She always is just trying to do her best and do what is best in the situation - no longer it is about what is good or bad anymore to her, it's about doing what's best in the situation for the time being, and I really love that aspect of her character a lot! We can see that when the war ends, she wants to live on the English coast, far away from war all alone with a dog and even a little goat in a seaside cottage. She grew so attached to the word AWOL after Joe Toye came and sat with her that night in Holland and they talked for once about something other than war. She even withheld her name, her nationality and just about everything else to keep the idea of the cold-face agent she thought she was up so the men of Easy Company don't have to know the real her. But -- was it to protect her...or to protect Easy? All these little ideas I threw in there to show that she is actually, very, compassionate in many ways, and caring and attentive and observant of the men and women she works with.

I really try to show that Natia listens when she listens to someone speak and she observes and she pays attention more than anything. And she ends up, holding information like that close to her and finding comfort in it.

My goal with Natia was to show that there can be a balance to "the bad-ass fighter" idea who fights for what she believes, but also remain human as well. We can see how much things affect her, especially the loss of friends. Of course, she doesn't show this to other people, but to use as readers, we see this and we see her occasional breakdown - and in a way, she continues living on their legacies because she listened to what they had to say. For example, Zdzich told her to not let the war overtake her, and throughout the story so far, we've see her sort of repeat this to herself in various ways. Because Zdzich meant that much to her. She's lost so much by this point in war that almost it's so sad to see that she, from what we all know of BoB, still has to go through so much, but at that point, she's fought so much, that all she can do it keep pushing on with it.

I think one of the most interesting moments from writing Natia was when the first few chapters were actually uploaded on platforms and there was someone really coming after Natia for her decisions and for this, that and the other thing (amy if i vaguely remember i think you remember who this person is as well because you clapped back at them once, and man your response was GOLD!!!). One of those things was Natia's approach with food (TW: mentions of struggling to eat with food, references of depression and struggling to eat, mental health issues relating...) and the person who commented would always be saying something about how she needs to eat, and she needs to remain strong and she needs to snap out of it with her depression and all this other stuff and to be honest, I sort of sat there for a moment like??? But there's reasons WHY she's not eating? Why she's holding back? (And of course ones I had mentioned so...) But let's move on.

Mental health was a prevalent thing in World War 2, though it was not looked upon fondly and Natia essentially does have depression as well as a border-line eating disorder. And so when the comment said that she had to snap out of it, I don't know it sort of off-put me because I have family with both those disorders and they've had treatment for it for years and you can't just snap out of it. I really tried to stress that 'the snapping-out-of-it" does not work, and the person kept firing back a bit at it, so I just moved on from it and ignored it. Natia's struggle with eating, as one can see, also comes from the heavy guilt and grief that is slowly uncovered throughout the story of what Natia has done and what has happened throughout the course of the war to her. Natia's number one thing she constantly does and has now become the focus of many character relationships with her (ie Doc Gene Roe) is the clenched fists, that she squeezes until they bleed and eventually need wrapped up by the Doc. Something she also refuses to accept she has a problem with. As we can see, acceptance is a concept she struggles with more than anything and something she will essentially have to learn to simply, accept.

That's just sort of one of the many bits of information about her character that I added, especially in society today as mental health is so important and so I just wanted to share a bit of the backlash I got from someone for it. But I guess that's life, but I'll continue to write Natia Filipska as an OC who does struggle with depression because of her life in war.

Natia's character and her story is probably one of the most complex characters and stories I've written and crafted and created and I'm just extremely happy with how she ended up coming out in the end! I'm about to go and do some writing and editing for her and it's just so exciting writing her because of all these various levels she withholds and she slowly lets uncover as the story unfolds! I just love it! OH - and we can't forget about the infamous mentions of the piano....yep that'll be coming up soon haha!! <3

THANK YOU FOR THE QUESTION AMY!!! IT MEANT SO MUCH!!!! just getting to talk about Natia a little bit and her character and what my mind set was creating her - it means so much. my mindset with her is somehow always changing and shifting as she goes through her character arc throughout the story and how her developmental shifts and it's just something i really love and enjoy more than anything!!! <3 so thank you for letting me just talk about it for a little while as well as my thoughts and opinions, it means a lot :)

[enkelimagnus]

Delacroix

Bucky Barnes Gen, 2565 words, rated T

Jewish Bucky Barnes, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier: Episode 5 Truth

Bucky spends a few days in Delacroix with Sam and his family. On one evening, as they both have a beer before dinner, watching the sun set, they have a conversation about life, about therapy, about work.

TW: US healthcare system and the military industrial complex, mental health

Read on AO3

Part 33 of Making a Home - the Jewish Bucky series

--------------

Sam’s family house is more of a home than anything Bucky’s lived in since he was deployed.

It’s warm and luminous, with big windows and light paint on the wood and the walls. There’s a poarch where they all end up sitting at the end of the day, when the sun sets over the bayou. The walls outside are blue and the roof is red. There are crayon drawings stuck with magnets to the fridge and mismatched furniture and containers. It’s been lived in, loved in.

A few days after his surprise arrival, Bucky stops feeling like a blood stain on the tapestry of life of the Wilson home.

Sarah’s nice and warm. He immediately takes a liking to her, and her to him, and he can see how much that infuriates Sam. What can he say? She’s a gorgeous woman, funny and bright and caring and her smile is honestly the kind that probably stopped a few hearts in her lifetime. Yes, she’s his sister, but he still has eyes, and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t at least show appreciation. Besides, she seems to enjoy it. He’d stop the second he’d sense uncomfort.

He hasn't gotten to flirt and be comfortable with flirting in a really long time. It seems to be the same for her. What if they’re just… enjoying the flirtation? And enjoying infuriating Sam? Bucky considers it his duty as Sam’s friend.

Delacroix is unlike anywhere he’s ever been. It’s half an island and half a town. It’s relaxing. And the food… Bucky doesn’t think he’s eaten as much seafood in his life as he had in the past week.

It’s a slow end of day in Louisiana when Bucky and Sam find themselves sitting on the plastic chairs out back, with beers, watching the surface of the water. There’s music playing in the house, the kids are doing their homework.

It’s simple. Bucky breathes in and out, unobstructed.

He hears Sam’s intake of breath and knows a hard conversation is coming from that alone. No, that’s a lie. Sam’s shifted, ten seconds ago. He’s looked between his beer and the water four times in the past minute.

“We haven’t had time to talk about Madripoor,” Sam starts and Bucky immediately tenses.

He’d almost forgotten he’d told Sam they’d talk about that later. Because still, he’s not ready to talk about it. He’s not ready to talk about that part of his past. It’s still an infected wound in him. It’s still hurting. He can’t do it. He’s about to say that when Sam holds up his hand.

“We don’t have to talk about it,” he says, surprisingly. “I don’t need to know shit if you’re not ready to tell.”

Bucky goes back to breathing. It’s a reprieve. Even if one day, Sam might expect him to be ready… it’s extra time. He’s so thankful for it.

“I’ll tell you though,” Sam keeps going. “You need a new therapist. Because if I know one thing, after everything, and what I saw in that precinct? it’s that Raynor’s not working for you. You need better. You deserve better.”

Bucky looks up at him then. Sam is looking at the water, but there is that look on his face. The look of determination, of drive, the look that Bucky knows… there’s no use in trying to go against what he is saying now.

No one has ever told him he deserved better.

He’s told himself that a few times, in the few moments where the clouds parted and he didn’t feel like the worst person in the world.

But he doesn’t think anyone has ever told him that. Even Steve. There was a couple ‘you deserved better’, but they were all in the past tense, all regarding Hydra, not Bucky’s current situation. Because his current situation is good. It’s great, compared to the past seventy years. Maybe even compared to what was there before. Because he doesn’t break his back in the factory during the day and in the docks at night anymore.

He’s so silent and shocked Sam just keeps going.

“And don’t give me bullshit about not needing help or whatever. I know your generation didn’t do therapy but that ain’t gonna fly with me. You deserve a therapist suited to your needs, and I know that’s gonna be hard to find, with your trunkload of decades of trauma, but we’ll find them.”

He says it with such determination, like it’s his new personal mission. He has much better to do than try to help Bucky more than he already has, and yet… Sam looks at him finally, for a long moment.

“Raynor’s not a bad doctor,” he says. “She’s just not the right fit. And that’s not uncommon. We just need to find you someone that’s better. And someone that’s not me. Because I can’t be your friend and your therapist, man. And out of the two, I’d much rather be your friend.”

Bucky’s still staring. He doesn’t know how to handle this. Nowhere in his databank of social interactions is there something that prepares him for this. He’s had long talks with people before, hell, even with fucking Zemo, but this is entirely different and he has no idea how to handle it.

“I’m sure you’re a great therapist,” Bucky says quietly after a moment, before he takes a big swig of a beer.

Sam chuckles, shaking his head. “You do realize I ain’t a therapist right? I’m a counselor.”

“You’ll have to give me the difference on that because we were still using alienist the last time I heard about psychoanalysis,” Bucky points out.

“There isn’t much of one. I guess I’m more about… finding practical solutions for people to deal with their trauma than really knowing the root cause of it. Probably because, since I worked with the VA, I knew what the root was.”

Bucky hums, nodding. That makes sense to him. More than the ‘how does that make you feel’s. “Either way, I’m still sure you’re a great counselor.”

“It ain’t difficult, with your experience,” Sam shrugs, watching him. “You don’t know better, old man.”

Bucky snorts at that, watching the water again. Sometimes, his eyes catch motion, but he’s never sure if it’s wildlife under the surface or just a trick of the light.

AJ and Cass seem to be debating with their mother whether they can finish their homework later, after dinner. Bucky barely knows them, but he already knows it won’t actually get done if they follow their plan. Kids are kids. Bucky’s sisters could never finish their homework after the radio show either. Too distracted, too tired.

He turns his attention back on Sam after a moment.

“Walker is in a bad shape,” Bucky says quietly. “Now, and before Hoskins died too. The second we saw him in Germany, I felt it. That guy didn’t get help.”

Sam sighs heavily. “Yeah. Not enough of them do, when they come back. You wouldn’t, if you weren’t forced to.”

Bucky can’t deny it. “Yeah, but I’m 107.”

If Sam noticed the year added to his age, he doesn’t mention it. At least for now.

“Some of it hasn’t changed that much,” Sam explains. “The army… You know that culture of toughness, right? Gotta be strong, gotta be a man. Can’t cry, can’t show you’re struggling. I’m sure they had that shit too, in your day, probably even worse.”

He’s not wrong. There were a lot of issues in his day but that was part of things. Emotional outbursts that weren’t from anger were frowned upon. Once they got to the war, it was even worse at first, until it started really getting hard. And then there were two options. Either you fucking cry with your buddies, or you end badly. Bucky had Steve, and the Howlies.

“Men like Walker… Because they’re these tough white guys, they’re encouraged to be like that. Aggressive, emotionally-closed off, fight-hungry. They’re the ones that shove you and call you a pussy for not laughing at their frankly horrible offensive jokes. It’s like they think the trauma we all face just won’t touch them. Or that they can’t show anyone it touched them. So they keep it all in. And the only way they get to be… emotional is in combat.”

Bucky nods quietly. They’re worse off than he thought.

It wasn’t good in his day either, but it just feels worse now. It churned and churned and got bigger with every spin, and now it’s all a giant fucked up stick of trauma cotton candy, all twisted in itself and sticking to itself.

“When I work for the SRT… Sometimes I see these kids,” Bucky mumbles. “They’re what? 22? And I ask them why they’re here, you know, try to pass time. And they tell me they enlisted for college. Or healthcare. And it’s…” He closes his eyes. “It’s been eighty fucking years…”

He takes a swig of the beer again, shaking his head. “When the crash hit, in the 30s, things were bad. No one could afford shit, there was polio, there was syphilis… It was really bad. And they made plans. They tried to get healthcare on the way, and they half succeeded. And more than like… two thirds of the population was for it too. And we had basically none of the resources we have now.”

He looks up at Sam for a moment. “It hurts to see… that it’s still… We’re still here. At least on that issue. On other stuff… Rights and all, that’s getting better.” He finishes. “But healthcare… and college…” He shakes his head. “It’s criminal. That’s what it is. It feels criminal.”

Sam bumps his shoulder with his fist, chuckling. “Don’t say shit like that next to journalists, they’ll say the Soviets put communism in your brain along with the murdering.”

Bucky chuckles at that. “Nah. That was all America. Living in it. Dying for it.”

Behind them, AJ and Cass have lost their battle of wits with their mother.

“You happy with what you’re doing?” Sam asks after a moment.

Bucky takes a deep breath. The answer is easy. “No,” he mutters. “But I don’t have a say in the matter. Until they decide I’ve done enough to undo the damage I perpetrated as the Soldier… I’m gonna be clearing Hydra safehouses. And after the shit I pulled with Zemo, I’m gonna be at it for a while longer, I think. But… I was expecting that.”

He can feel Sam’s eyes on him. “You knew what would happen.”

“Yep. On all accounts. With the Dora Milaje, with you, with Walker, with the U.S. government, and the GRC, and everything… Still did it.”

Sam huffs loudly. “Stubborn ass.” He shakes his head. He’s smiling, beautifully, brightly.

Bucky smiles at that. “You know it. Wouldn’t be alive without it.”

The sun is starting to set over the bayou. Every evening, Bucky finds himself thinking he’s never seen anything quite like it before.

“Whatever happens,” Sam points out after a moment, looking down at his empty beer bottle. “You got a couch here. Somewhere to crash. Somewhere to rest. I don’t know what your situation is, up north.”

Bucky sighs a little. “I got a house,” he answers, looking back at him. “A townhouse, in Brooklyn.”

Sam’s eyebrows rise up to meet the descending sun. “Well excuse us, mister.” He teases.

Bucky shakes his head. “It’s not like that,” he starts. Sam looks even less like he takes him seriously. “It’s a former Hydra safehouse,” he adds, and now his friend’s eyes get a little sadder, a little darker. “The army got tired of me taking space in their housing, so the second we raided a place within proper commute distance, they handed it over to me.”

Said like that, it sounds even worse than it actually was.

“It wasn’t like.. Full of Nazi or Hydra shit, or anything. It was just a house. They got rid of the bodies.”

The emotional journey on Sam’s face as he talks is worth a good dozen of sunrises.

“And you live there?” Sam asks. He’s struggling not to let his bewilderment and horror show, but he’s failing.

It makes sense. It sounds like an absolutely terrible situation to be in. It is an absolutely terrible situation to be in. As much as owning a townhouse in Brooklyn can be terrible.

It’s been about four months now since he signed those papers and moved his bag of things into that pretty house with the marks in the doorways and the basement he still hasn’t stepped foot in. And now that he’s been away long enough…

He guesses he kinda misses it.

He doesn’t miss the house in itself, much. He does miss… everything else though. Charlie, Miriam, the neighbor whose name he still doesn’t know, the familiar commute, the Chinese place he gets a lot of very late night food at, the proximity to his childhood streets, the way life feels there. He misses his night jogs in the relative quiet. He misses the weather, and the oven he baked kugel in for the first time.

Brooklyn has become familiar again, in all of its differences with his memories.

And he didn’t even realize it was happening.

“You should come, one of these days,” Bucky shrugs. “I have a couple guest bedrooms.”

Sam punches him lightly in the shoulder. “Fancy ass ‘couple of guest bedrooms’.” He teases and Bucky smiles. “So I’m guessing I should try and find some good therapists for you in New York then,” he adds.

Bucky shrugs lightly. “I feel like… I have some stuff tethering me there.”

Sam’s expression shifts for an instant. “Like the SRT?”

Bucky shakes his head. “Nah. Like my childhood congregation, that somehow still exists, and has a shul not too far from where I live.” He points out.

“Shul?” Sam asks.

Bucky smiles lightly when he looks up at him. A few days ago, Sam spoke of his teetee and Bucky probably made the same face Sam’s making now.

“Synagogue,” Bucky explains. “Jewish temples. Shul’s yiddish.”

Sam makes a small ‘ah’ sound and nods. For a moment, they’re silent again. The noises of the world around them aren’t threatening to overwhelm them though, they’re… comforting. A warm tapestry in the background.  

“You’re Jewish, I take it?”

“No, I’m Mormon,” Bucky replies with the straightest face he can muster before chuckling.

Sam punches him again, a little harder this time. “Come on, dude.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m Jewish.”

That’s the first time he says that out loud in… He’s never said it like that ever. This is the first time in his life that he says it that way. The first time he’s not afraid of the outcome of such an admission.

It’s a heady, wonderful feeling. He never thought he’d ever be comfortable enough to do that. Somehow, he might have Zemo to thank for that. Zemo and his fucking questioning. Not that he’s going to be asking much more questions from the Raft.

He’s Jewish. That’s a truth that doesn’t deserve to be hidden right now. Not when he can carry it. Not when he is strong enough to bear it proudly. He feels like his heart is going to burst with something he cannot name.

“Did Steve know?”

Bucky bursts out laughing.

[nepenthendline]

Mental Health Headcannons - Tsukishima, Kageyama, Ushijima, Tendou & Bokuto

All these are from my knowledge and based off of each character’s actions haikyuu, this is all my opinion so feel free to discuss other thoughts! I’m happy to talk about each more in depth if anyone would like it :) this is just me projecting my own problems on fictional characters

You can also message me if you wanna talk about these too!!

This is going to be long

TW: Mental health, learning difficulties, eating disorders, self-harm

Tsukishima - Depression, Anxiety & OCD

Tbh someone else (I’ve been trying to find their username to tag them but I can’t find it, they’re called something like theguessmonta but idk) has amazing posts about Tsukishima and his mental health which I totally agree with all of it so some of this is going to be pretty similar

I think his mental health problems started when he was quite young, around the time when the Akiteru drama happened so he’s been dealing with these for a while

Having depression can often make a person seem very disinterested/sarcastic/negative as a way of pushing back emotions and self-protection which explains a lot of the way Tsukishima acts towards some people (I have a whole post on how he isn’t just some asshole)

His anxiety stems from a place of terrible self-esteem and self-image, it’s clear to see he has a bad sense of self-worth when he talks about how people are obviously a lot better than him, he’s just there to ‘stop trouble happening’

Tsukki suffers from panic attacks quite regularly (especially when he was a bit younger) but he tends to shut himself off then they happen, he doesn’t want anyone else to see him like that

His anxiety and overthinking is often why he keeps his headphones on him at all times, listening to music helps drown out the sounds around him and those in his head

His OCD got worse over time - first it was things like turning the light switch on and off repeatedly until it felt right, or tapping on his desk before he went to bed, but as his anxiety and self-esteem got worse it developed into him needing himself to be perfect

This included only eating a certain amount of calories a day (no where near the amount he should be eating) or getting a very specific grade on an exam, where even one number over or under set him into a panic

Things got to their worst for Tsukki around the age of 13 - this is where he was much too underweight and self-harming on his hips (so no one else could see)

Probably also thought about suicide a couple times around this point

He has tried a couple different types of anti-depressants in the past, however none have seemed to help

He likes a lot of time alone - he gets too overwhelmed dealing with other people

The only person besides his family and Yamaguchi that knows about his OCD is Kageyama - they both noticed each others odd, repetitive habits until Kageyama asked him about it one day, while they don’t get along too well, they feel some comfort in each other understanding their actions

Kageyama - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

wow what a smooth segue 

this boy is like a walking definition of ASD - coming from a person with ASD

Kageyama was diagnosed with Type 1/High-functioning Autism when he was very young (probably around 3-5 years old)

He struggles with social interaction, knowing what to say to people and most importantly, how to say it, e.g. when he smiles people often think he looks angry

Kageyama has never had many, if any, friends before Karasuno, as he has often struggled with conversation and speaking in an inappropriate tone that may make some people uncomfortable or even scared

He isn’t very good when it comes to remembering academic studies but if it relates to his fixations (volleyball) he is extremely intelligent - this is seen clearly when Daichi shows their team hand gestures and Kageyama says he remembered them in a day

Kageyama uses masking a lot - it’s a technique people with ASD tend to do which involves copying other peoples actions in order to understand social situations, he does this many times in the anime/manga such as his awkward BBQ song dance, or high-fives

He visited a social worker once a week while he was little until he started middle school, resulting in his behaviours getting worse

Towards the end of his first year at Karasuno he went back to therapies regularly and has anger-management training in order to help him express himself in a manageable way - he probably won’t admit it but it helps a lot (key note is that having anger-management training often does not have anything to do with anger, simply just managing emotions in general but it often a great type of therapy for those with ASD although he is a bit of an angry boi sometimes)

ASD comes with repetitive, almost OCD-like tendencies - two examples include filing his nails every single day and having a very specific routine before going to bed that consists of drinking milk, putting on pjs, laying in bed and throwing + catching a ball, brushing his teeth and going to bed on his left side - if he doesn’t do these things at the right times/in the right order, he gets extremely anxious and agitated

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Ushijima - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

autism buds with kageyama

I kid thats probably a bad idea

Ushijima was also diagnosed with Type 1/High-Functioning Autism when he was 5

Unfortunately due to the stigma around Autism, his family (besides his father) were not very accepting of this and he was put into therapy at a young age

While this was actually helpful for him, his family insisted his therapies should ‘cure’ him and were dismissive of the many times a doctor told them that ASD is not a curable disorder

Outside of therapy he does not receive much support from his family, except his father who got him a pair of noise-cancelling headphones he used to wear until he 8 whenever they went out together - he was only allowed to wear them if it was just him and his father, the rest of his family thought it made it too obvious there was ‘something wrong with the child’

Extending on this, Ushijima was very sensitive to sensory input as a child, and while he still is, it has become easier to manager as he has gotten older

His ASD is most prevalent in his lack of understand ways of communication, such as sarcasm or jokes, and tends to take things very literally 

@simp4satori and I came to the conclusion that if you were to call him daddy during sex, or ask him to ‘punish you’ the poor boy would have NO CLUE - would probably call your dad and tell him you needed to speak to him, or say you can’t watch anime for a week lol 

He is extremely direct when he talks, to the point where it comes across rude or hurtful but he doesn’t realise this until someone mentions it

Tendou probably helps him rephrase things from time-to-time in order for him to get his point across

He gets very anxious when faced with things he doesn’t know about or understand (this is mentioned by Tendou in the manga), this can include people, going to new places or trying new foods

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Tendou - Depression and Anxiety (also a highly sensitive person - that’s not a mental health disorder or illness but it does affect him)

Tendou’s mental health suffered from a young age due to bullying in school

This caused a lot of low self-esteem and low mood, and he was later on diagnosed with depression and anxiety

Only his family, Ushijima and his coach know about this, and even then, only his family know any details

No one would really expect Tendou to deal with such mental health issues as he always keeps a bubbly, happy persona around others - he doesn’t want people to think he is weak or cowardly

It is also hard for others to see and he is someone with high-highs and low-lows, so when he is happy or excited his emotions are quite extreme

Tendou’s anxiety relates a lot to his image, mainly his appearance and the way he acts, but he is also a general over thinker

He doesn’t have panic attacks as often as Tsukishima does, however they do happen occasionally when things just get too much

He often thinks that people are staring at him, or talking about him whenever he goes out, and he tends to hid this by seeming overly cocky or sardonic

When his depression hits, he tends to just feel sad or hopeless instead of numb, which tends to trigger his anxiety too

Tendou used to self-harm often around his hips/thighs however he hasn’t done so since the end of his first year of high-school 

Probably makes a lot of dark ‘jokes’, especially around suicide and people semi are like ‘...dude...you ok?’ and he’s just like ‘hahaha yeah im fine what’

He doesn’t like alone time too much as he tends to get trapped in his own thoughts

As expected of the guess monster, he is extremely good at reading and understanding people, which is how he finds it easier to help and communicate with Ushijima

Bokuto - ADHD

A lot of people at Fukurodani think Bokuto is just stupid, however he actually has ADHD

He was diagnosed a lot later than the rest at 12 years old

Bokuto tends to struggle with his studies as his attention-span is very low and can get distracted easily - either by things in the classroom or his own thoughts

He’s very forgetful, often forgetting his lunch at home or forgetting to do/bring in his homework, and this goes into volleyball too where he forgets how to do certain moves

Taking exams are the worst for Bokuto, he hates having to be still and quiet for such a long time and is very sensitive to little sounds or movements that distract his attention - you’ll often find his bouncing his leg or fiddling with his pen

He tends to butt into conversations or interrupt people when they are talking, he just gets a bit too enthusiastic to share his thoughts

He has extreme mood-swings too which we see often in the anime, especially when he is stressed or someone mentions his behaviours

Is very reckless - Akaashi has probably had to stop him from leaning too far out the window and almost falling to look something

The whole Fukurodani volleyball team are aware of his ADHD and do their best to help him and make him feel comfortable or accepted

They are the only people allowed to call him stupid - they will fight anyone else

I think there are more characters with mental health illnesses or disorders, such and Yamaguchi, Yachi, Kenma and Asahi having anxiety so I might write more at some point!

[shadow-stars16]

The crows in school(modern)(Singaporean edition)

TW ⚠mentions of eating disorders

Kaz

Kaz dislikes the uniform strongly because he thinks he looks weird in it as the rest of his wardrobe is filled with Black colour clothes except his school uniform. Kaz is always judged by his classmates since he doesn't talks much except to Jesper some girls would even gossip about Kaz and how dangerous he is. Even though with all the gossiping and the dislike from his classmates his teachers were being unhelpful for telling Kaz to just talk to his classmates which doesn't works. Kaz also gets good grades in like every subject and would sometimes help Jesper by giving him to copy his homework only Jesper not other classmates because Jesper is his best friend and only friend. One day Kaz walked passed a group of girls gossiping about him and realised this are his classmates so he went up and asked whether there is any homework. Kaz knew that the girls were gossiping about him he pretends to not hear it and asked the girls if there was any homework. The girls were in shock and one of them replied"errrr.... I don't know ask the teacher I guess." Kaz just replied with alright and he walked away. Kaz also joins a CCA( co cirliculum activity) since it's compulsory so he joins the robotics club with Jesper. Kaz is also adopted by Jesper's parents but he didn't change his last name as Jesper's parents leave it up to him.

Jesper

Jesper is okay with the uniform he just doesn't likes the rule that specifies no jewelry. Jesper compared to Kaz was a litteral mess, his worksheets are all crumpled but in the end he miraculously still managed to pass for many subjects but he does especially well in math. Jesper is not interested in any CCA like litterally no, since CCA is compulsory he is just forced to join one and he joins concert band, he does not enjoy and even skips practices sometimes since his father forced him to join after a year he quits concert band to join robotics club with Kaz. Jesper also occasionally goes to the library to borrow some books to read to Wylan generally Jesper is a chaotic mess and he scores mostly B's. Jesper also takes D&T( design and technology) as one of his subjects, he likes D&T and always finishes his work faster than anyone in his class(usually a few lessons ahead of everyone) . Even though he can finish school work on his area of interest he struggles with other subjects and often seek help from Kaz or Wylan or he just doesn't cares at all. To be honest he just seeks help because he needs to move on to the next level or else he gets retained.

Inej

Inej is the girl who much prefer to wear PE(physical education) attire than uniform because the PE shorts are way more comfortable than the skirt. Inej scores well for all PE assessments like no shit she's even better than the guys. She is in volleyball as that's one of the only sports CCA girls can join. Inej likes to play volleyball but hates her CCA mates. Most students in volleyball are just the mean girl type and Inej hates them to the core. Inej is also a really polite student which makes her many teachers favorites which make her look stuck up. Since inej scores really well for PE and she cares about it, she is her PE's teacher favorite student. Since inej is also a minority in Singapore she oftenly get makes fun of because of her skin colour and she chooses to ignore it. Inej mostly gets a B4 or a B3 for every class. Inej also goes to other sports class outside school such as taekwondo( Korean martial arts which involves like self defence) (if there is any of y'all who know more about taekwondo even more than me feel free to correct if I'm wrong). Sometimes Inej secretly wished that she had a lighter skin tone so she wouldn't be made fun of.

Nina

Nina is a really loud and popular girl in school, she's okay with school uniform and doesn't bother too much about them either. Nina have a lot of friends and has a huge Instagram following, she doesn't has the best grades for school to be honest she always just gets a C5 or a B4 and tends to fail one or two subjects. Nina also tends to joke around with teachers which some of the teachers don't mind. Before she was this loud and popular girl in school, she suffered from body image issues and had an eating disorder because of bullying from her classmates,since now she's a little slimmer than before and also transfered school as her classmates from her previous school makes fun of her body. Nina does not really care about school she genuinely cares for her friends and spends time writing cards to her friends for maybe the start of school or end of school since she had so many friends. Even though Nina doesn't seem like she cares about school she does do her homework all the time and does pretty okay for test. Nina finds a special interest in biology though for some reason maybe because of her heart rendering powers, but Nina wants to be a social media influencer which kinda had nothing to do with school. As Nina's popularity grows people thought that Nina was mean when they first started befriending her but it is not she just has too many friends and hangs out oftenly with only a few friends. Nina's Instagram stories are all filled with memories of her going out with her friends and talking about mental health everytime she talks about mental health she looses a couple of friends even though she feels sad about it, she knows that they are not mean to be and they should go. The closest friends she kept by her side all supported everything she did and she returns the support to them too. Nina's CCA is concert band and she plays the trumpet she likes concert band as it is fun and enjoyable.

Matthias

Matthias does not feel anything about the school uniform. Matthias is mostly very loyal to his friends he isn't the super popular type of guys but he has a few friends and his life works out fine with them. One particular not so masculine trait about Matthias is he likes cooking but he doesn't lets others know since they might think that he's gay. He scores pretty much like an B3 to an A1 for any subject that he takes. Matthias is the type of guy who sticks to a routine like waking up earlier just to work out or go for a run at like 4am and sleeping at like 8pm. Matthias rarely post on Instagram most of his post were only just workout stuff or his pictures when he occasionally went out. Matthias does half his homework when he is eating breakfast the other half from the previous night. He doesn't enjoy waking up this early and wished school would start later but he knew working out in the morning is better than working out after school. Matthias is in NCC( national cadet cops) a uniform group CCA, Matthias is also really good at PE like Inej. A lot of teachers like him because he is very hard working and puts a lot of effort into his work. Matthias also takes F&N( food and nutrition) , he usually gets really good grades. He is partnered with Inej for F&N and they usually come out as one of the best in class, they are a really productive duo and they know how to complement each other as friends.

Wylan

Wylan looks really cute in school uniform for some reason every feature of his just complements the school uniform and Jesper compliment him about it everyday. Wylan is a very smart person he gets like A2 or A1 for basically every subject and particularly excels in music he usually gets near to full marks for every music test and he is very happy about that even though his father is not the most happy about that since he should be scoring as well for his other subjects so he can inherit his wealth. Jesper and Wylan hangs out all the time in school they usually hang out at Jesper's house after school and he helps Jesper with his homework. Sometimes during the school holidays Wylan would come over for a sleep over and Jesper, Kaz and Wylan would just talk forever. Kaz can talk to Wylan about architecture building and how much is some art piece worth and they all chat happily together. Ones they decided they are going to go to bed, Jesper takes out Wylan's favorite book and reads it to him until he falls asleep. Wylan finds Jesper's voice mesmerising and could call asleep just by Jesper reading stories to him.

[anachronisticcrab]

I know that my posts don’t usually get seen when they aren’t about Nico di Angelo or Percy Jackson in general, but I feel like this needs to be addressed. School is shitty in places outside the US

I live in Canada. I don’t have to worry about getting shot if I go to school, but it’s still shitty at my school (especially at my old school)

Quick tw for this entire thing. It deals with eating disorders, mental abuse, physical abuse, psychotic episodes, teachers not caring, mental illness, trauma, and suicide. Please tread carefully before you continue

I’ve been going to Catholic schools since I was 3. I went to a catholic elementary school in Ontario for about 10 years before going to my current Catholic high school

At my elementary school, when I was in fourth grade, one of the girls in my class was struggling with her mental health. Her dad had died a few years before then (by the way, our school NEVER gave her a safe space to discuss what was going on in her life) and she had been through some other shit

Now, in fourth grade, I didn’t know anyone in my class except for her (there were around 70 kids in my grade, I didn’t know a lot of people). So we hung out that year. Some days, she was in a great headspace and was happy and we got along great. She was funny, smart, nice, easy to talk to, and she was probably the first friend I had that I had anything in common with

But as I mentioned, she was seriously struggling. About once a week (at the minimum), she would have what I am going to refer to as an ‘episode’ because I really don’t know any other way to put it. She would scream, throw things, chase people around the class with scissors, and just overall torment me and my classmates. It got so bad that the entire class had to be brought into the hall for our own safety on more than one occasion

Our of everyone in the class, she harassed me the most. I’m not entirely sure why, but I’m guessing it had something to do with her own self-sabatoge since I was pretty much the only person there for her that entire year

One time she tried to cut my throat. Another time she threw a textbook at my head. She followed me around for almost six hours straight, calling me names and harassing me.

None of this was a secret from our teachers. They all knew about this. Our principals knew about this. Half the school knew about this. But none of the adults, who were responsible for keeping us safe, did anything.

They let it slide. They sent her to the office (the principals did nothing). They brought us out of the class, but didn’t ever do anything to help her to stop her episodes or to help her with any of her issues. In fact, just so they could all avoid doing their jobs, they hired college students to come in and talk to me and her at recess a couple days a week. I feel so bad for those girls since they were busy with school and exams, but they had to help out two extremely traumatized and extremely fucked up kids

One time this girl tried to kill me. And I mean this seriously— she came at me and tried to cut my throat with a pair of scissors. There were three eye witnesses (outside of myself and the girl). There was footage of it on the security cameras. And the girl started chasing people with scissors after I ran away from her. Our principals did nothing. Our teacher did nothing.

I asked my parents and teacher and principals to move me to the other class because I couldn’t be around that girl. She tormented me, and I was terrified to go to school because I didn’t know if it was going to be a good day or if she was going to attack me and scream at me. I was terrified of the building, and that year led to a lot of the issues with school and mental illness that I have to deal with now. They didn’t move me. They switched desks and put mine right next to hers. Like, the fuck was wrong with those asshats?

Also, me and this girl were walking around the halls during indoor recess one time and heard our teacher shit talking me, her, and this one other kid we were sort-of friends with. He called her psychotic, called me ‘at fault for (the girls) episodes and aiding (the girls) delusions’ and made fun of our other friend for having a high pitched voice. Like, we were nine? I wasn’t responsible for this girl trying to kill me and having episodes all the time. She wasn’t psychotic, she just had some issues she needed to work out, and she needed help with it from adults. And our friend was allowed to have a high pitched voice, he was nine! Don’t make fun of nine year olds who are clearly dealing with some shit!

We told the principal what happened, and the mother fucking teacher got a raise. We asked the principal why, and he said ‘well, he’s retiring this year, and it’s not fair that he has to deal with all of this’. It’s not fair that I had to deal with that, either! Let the crusty old dude get into shit for making fun of nine year olds!

At the end of the year, my teacher had the AUDACITY to send an email to my mom, to thank me for ‘sticking by that girl even when it was difficult, and for supporting her’. Like, bitch, you mean doing your job and putting my nine year old self at risk? Shut the fuck up and help your students when they’re going through shit!

Now, if you’re wondering why I hung out with this girl, there’s a couple reasons.

My teachers, principles, and parents told me that she needed me around, and that she’d been through shit. They told me that she really did care about me, and she needed a friend. That her dad had died so she was allowed to abuse me. More or less, all the adults in my life said that she was struggling, and that her happiness was more important than my safety

As I said before, when she was having a good day, I loved hanging out with her and talking to her. She was really nice, and the first semi-real friend I ever had

I got an eating disorder that year, that still affects my life 6 years later. I got anxiety and depression from that year (there are other causes of it, but it is a big part of the reason). I now have a crippling fear of school and other people, as well as extreme trust issues. I have serious self worth issues and let people push me around because that year I was taught that I could be beaten and bruised and murdered if it made other people happy. I have suicidal ideation and cut myself because of the trauma I endured that year.

The school system did nothing to help. They let that girl fester in her issues and take them out on others, permanently traumatizing and scarring me in the process

And I started talking to that girl again about three years ago, after she’d chilled out and I wasn’t terrified of her anymore. She told me she would have killed herself if it weren’t for me. That her mom was still mourning, the rest of her family hated her, that our teachers didn’t care, and that I was the only one actually there for her. I don’t regret being there for her at that time. She’s one of my best friends and I would hate if she had killed herself

But it’s shitty that the only person supporting her at the time was me. If she had have gone through with it, it would’ve been my fault. I was the only thing keeping her from dying. And that terrifies me. I can’t even be trusted to keep myself from dying at this point.

This is just one of many, many, many stories I have about how fucked up schools are, and not just in the US. I don’t have to worry about getting shot, but my old school is still fucked up, and my current school is a little fucked as well. Let me know if you want to hear any more stories from my experience at Catholic school, or with this girl, or whatever.

[mattyfm]

new york’s very own matthew oliver was spotted on broadway street in converse . your resemblance to luke hemmings is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty-fourth birthday bash . while living in nyc ,  you’ve been labeled as being temperamental , but also benevolent . i guess being a gemini explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be bubbly laughter, the smell of fresh coffee, & long drives to watch the sunset  .  ( cis male & he/him  )  +  ( monique , 20 , she/her , pst . )

my name is monique i’m both the baddest and saddest bitch you’ll ever meet and i have NEVER written a concise intro in my life, so be prepared for a lot of jumping around, incomplete thoughts, and information you didn’t ask for. without further ado let me introduce you to my angel boy matthew oliver.

𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐬

full name. samuel matthew oliver.

nicknames. sam, sammy, matt, & matty (preferred name and most commonly refereed to as).

age. twenty-four.

date of birth. june 17th.

occupation. actor. (i might give him another job eventually but don’t hold me to that)

sexual / romantic orientation. bisexual & biromantic.

birthplace. asbury park, new jersey.

zodiac. gemini.

spoken languages. english.

𝐛𝐢𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐲

samuel mattew oliver was born to two extremely loving parents jeremy and elizabeth marie oliver, arguably one of the most influential celebrity couples known to man, at least that’s what it felt like growing up in the household, everyone was talking about the oliver’s and when they weren’t...well that never happened

as a middle child, preceded by his older brother mason, and succeeded by his younger sister cassandra, naturally he was born with a crave for validation, anything that separated him for his siblings

but naturally in his need to be different he found his closest allies, more so mason than cassie, but eventually she grew on him, and was most certainly not forced upon the dynamic duo of brother by their parents, but believe me he grew to adore her!

childhood was seemingly normal minus the bombarding questions from nosy students who wanted to know what it was like to have celebrity parents or be rich or live in a house with more bedrooms than necessary 

unlike his siblings however matty reveled in the attention way more than he let on, it was nice to be noticed for something, even if it wasn’t quite what he’d been hoping to be noticed for

but by no means was he stupid! he wouldn’t allow anyone to take advantage of him and had an unusual talent for knowing when people only wanted to use his friendship as some sort of gain for himself, and extended this talent to his sister cass, because boy oh boy did she need it

their dad who i forgot to mention was a professor at juiliard, his alma matter, caused a constant bouncing back and forth between their coastal home in new jersey and their urban townhouse in new york

both places felt like home to the trio! they made so many good memories, however matty was extremely preferential to the coast, and to this day maintains a beach boy vibe, swears everything is just better by the beach

going back to his upbringing for a minute high school rolled around for him and mason and he just became even more extremely protective of cassie, he went through things extremely unknown to his family

on the outside he was the model person and student, honor roll, a long glowing list of extracurriculars including sports, even holding down a normal job like everyone else at his high school, and not a single blemish in his criminal record, the squeaky clean olivers remained squeaky cleans

HOWEVER there was some shady stuff going on behind the scenes my guy, nothing too terrible, just the usual teenager with loving parents who raise a troubled teen, not because of any past trauma but a need to feel seen

DRUGS & ALCOHOL TW got into a lot of fight but always told them they had to fight after school, he got into drugs, nothing too hardcore, just weed (is that a weed i’m calling the police vibes).....at first.....but that’s a different story so moving on! he of course drank with his buddies at high school parties, honestly just vibing my guys, just straight vibes always

secret!!!!

CAR ACCIDENT TW & ALCOHOL TW & DEATH TW one day he’s vibing, it’s the summer they’re celebrating another school year complete, and by the end of the night nearly black out drunk at this point, he knows he can’t go home so he decides to get a ride home with a buddy he worked with, tell his parents that said buddy took him home after work, they worked on homework and fell asleep. and honestly had he had a little less to drink, he would’ve realized that his friend was just as drunk as he was, but they drove anyways. this lead to a drunken car accident, that ended in the death of a pedestrian. thankfully his friend’s dad was a lawyer, and they covered that shit up immediately.

after this whole ordeal choose an accelerated course of study to pursue his acting career, finally something people would talk about that would be solely his, like not really, but let him have his moment alright, he was desperate 

lowkey feels guilty about being a hypocrite towards cassie because he’s telling her not to do any of the thing 

ADDICTION TW he almost kicked his habit but getting back into acting and the guilt of having blood on his hands, was too much for matty, and he developed a drug / alcohol dependency, which he recognized was extremely harmful! he went to rehab! and has been very vocal about his struggle with addiction ever since

had an on set romance with a costar that crashed and burned, quite publicly, and was just not good for his mental health one bit! def didn’t help with his constantly teetering sobriety but he managed to get through it with the help of his family and his friends

acting wise he’s starred in a bunch of movies but his baby is the netflix show that he’s been working on, i would like to think it’s kind of a sitcom esque show mixed with the same comedic timing of the office, parks n rec, those kinda self-aware humor vibes

ADDICTION TW he plays one of the main character, and his dipped his toes into directing and writing a couple of episodes, the show truly gives me one day at a time vibes, just brings light to mental health, addiction, important issues you don’t normally see portrayed on tv, and he def plays schneider, the bumbling rich boy who does and says what he’s told, struggles with addiction, has a super childish nature, and just a hint of self-awareness but just a hint as a little treat

this is so ooc but i’m realizing he’s quite literally schneider from one day at a time

MENTAL HEALTH TW & ANXIETY TW has receded from that cool kid persona he once held back in what i refer to as his ‘glory days’ and is now extremely vulnerable to everything and everyone, will literally cry if you even look at him the wrong way. struggles with really bad anxiety, among other mental health issues (which is why his netflix show and he advocate so heavily for mental health!) but is quite literally one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet, softness runs in the oliver family ig.

IS LITERALLY SO CHILDISH....where was once extremely mature for his age....he now copes with his trauma by just acting like a toddler, literally mixes chocolate milk IN HIS MOUTH like a heathen, but that still doesn’t stop him from being fiercely protective of cassie, and will fight anyone for her

currently vibing! filming, being his best(?) self, and making trips to the nj coast

𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲

positive traits. accommodating, adaptable, affable, affectionate, agreeable, altruistic, amiable, attentive, caring, cheerful, communicative, compassionate, considerate, courteous, creative, dependable, easy-going, empathetic, exuberant, friendly, fun-loving, generous, gentle, genuine, gregarious, helpful, honest, humane, humble, joyful, kind, lively, loyal, loving, optimistic, outgoing, passionate, playful, reliable, resilient, romantic, sincere, sociable, tender, trustworthy, thoughtful, understanding, and warm-hearted.

negative traits. anxious, amenable, avoidant, awkward, critical, defensive, disorganized, dogmatic, (over)emotional, evasive, foolish, forgetful, forgiving, gullible, headstrong, hopeless, idealistic, impatient, impulsive, irrational, messy, moody, oblivious, (over)protective, sensitive, shy, thoughtless, and weak-willed.

𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

here’s some basic plot ideas but we can always brainstorm smth! friends, frenemies, enemies, friends to lovers, childhood friends, ex best friend, costars, unrequited crush, bad influence, exes, one night stand, roommates! i have