#tw discussion of suicide and suicide related themes

[faislittlewhiteraven]

Undertale Yellow: An amazing fangame with one glaring thing I hate about it (that I need to rant about or else I'm going to go insane).

As the title says, Undertale Yellow was a game I really enjoyed playing. Lots of fun dialogue and designs, utterly fantastic art and animation (holy hell that Flowey fight! <3 <3 <3), great music and feels, etc. Seriously it deserves a ton of praise, not only as a fully completed fangame that took years of development, but as genuinely amazing prequel to one of my favorite games of all time.

...Unfortunately. Much as I truly enjoyed playing through the majority of the game, when I finished the True Pacifist route I was intensely unhappy with how that went and while the credits scenes and funeral for Cover helped ease some of the worst of it, I cannot help but wonder who the flipping f$%& in the development team thought presenting Clover's suicide as the 'just and happy' ending that all the friend characters accept with barely any argument was a good idea?!

Now to clarify: I went into Undertale Yellow knowing that Clover was going to die and that there were good odds their death was going to be self sacrificial or involve suicide. Undertale Yellow is a prequel to Undertale after all and children being murdered and/or sacrificing themselves for the greater good of lovable monster kind is an established part of the setting.

I came in knowing this game was bound to end tragically. I was excited to see how this game would pull that inevitable tragedy off while exploring the Yellow soul's theme of Justice and staying true to Undertale's established canon.

And all the way right up to the end of the True Pacifist ending I truly thought they'd nailed it: The constant pressure of the monsters suffering and being trapped in the Underground despite their sweet and earnest natures, Dalv's clear issues regarding a human, Starlow's unintentional reinforcement of the 'one sacrifice for the greater good' idea with his trolley problem reenactment, the repeated back to back betrayals from characters who should be friends (the Feisty Five, Starlow, Ceraba) hurting Clover instead, the dull realization in universe for Clover that all their efforts to find the missing human children were all for nothing...

It was fantastic. There was a real sense of looming dread for me, seeing all those moments and just knowing in my gut that after the desperate struggle with the agonized and grieving Ceraba, ranting about how monster kind is doomed as it stands, that Clover would start thinking of sacrificing their life for monster kind, especially when their 'sense of Justice' at the start of the game had them willingly jump into a gaping pit they couldn't have possibly have known the height of, for the sake of mission they (according to Flowey) easily abandon when offered a loving home instead. (aka implying not so great things about how much they value their own life)

So. With all that 'hyped for tragedy' in mind, there I am at the True Pacifist ending. I've just spared Ceraba, the friends are all arguing as to how to keep Clover (and possibly any future humans who fall) safe and Clover begins to go into something of a zone out, thinking about all the things they've heard and seen over the course of their adventure.

This is it! I think to myself as I watch it play out. This is where Clover, after everything they've been through, makes the tragic yet understandable mistake of running away from their friends and confronting Asgore just as Flowey kept encouraging them to! Not to fight and bring Asgore to justice but to try talking him down and when they fail that, offering up their life to help and 'save' their friends even as the narrative will (matching Undertale) will make it clear that this is a mistake and only hurts everyone involved, just like every suicide and child murder in Undertale hurts everyone involved until Frisk is able to end the cycle of pain by rejecting the Kill or be Killed premise and setting the monsters free! Wow, I can't believe it, they set it up so well, what a perfect way to tie into Undertale's greater narrative via tragic prequel, I love this eeeeee!

Except of course that's not what happens.

My first hint something is off is when the quotes Clover's 'remembering' in their little bubble start being way too positive for the set up (also there's nothing from the trolley problem section). The second is when the music shifts from quiet to holy and then outright happy.

And third is when Clover snaps out of it and point blank tells their friends they choose to die. Now, I'm getting a little confused and wary at this but alright, this is a pretty long sequence already but I guess we get to have one final hope moment before Clover somehow gets away from their friends to die (maybe Flowey if not Asgore?)-

-and then I am left absolutely flabbergasted as the friends who just spent the last huge chunk of the game trying to protect Clover/getting talked out of killing them because 'its not right' end up agreeing with Clover's decision after a pitiful amount of arguing against it (where the utterly stupid 'there's no other option' reasoning is used as the primary reasoning despite all the other options being very clearly stated just moments ago), before the woman who's entire massive trauma arc that is centered around her accidentally killing her own child out of blind faith for 'the greater good', proceeds to assist Clover with their suicide (who she clearly views as a surrogate child despite her best attempts not to) while the other characters meekly say goodbye, give hugs and leave all while bittersweet but mostly sweet 'great job honey, this sucks but we're proud of you' music plays (also Flowey says stuff but like, its Flowey so frankly he could say anything and it'd be fine. He's not the issue here).

...Wow.

What a screwed up way for that to end. Like, I clearly get the 'idea' that Clover is meant to be noble and good and such but like, really? A fan game of Undertale (where one of the main ending messages was 'Don't kill and don't be killed', where a child's suicidal attempts to free monster kind lead to every major tragedy in the game, and where suicide was repeatedly shown to only make things worse through Asgore and Alphys in numerous neutral endings) is the game that decides having its protagonist's pointless self sacrifice should be honored and treated as a good ending by the narrative?????

How did none of the otherwise clearly brilliant people working on this miss the very bad, no good implications of Clover's friends being talked into letting them kill themselves and having the narrative frame it as anything but the worst end?????

I have many, many questions. And concerns. And...

Look, I do get it. Undertale Yellow is still a fangame. There are going to be weird notes in the tone due to different writers and such, and I should just be happy that the game was finished it at all, and accept that this god awful scene is probably just the result of its creators really, really wanting their beloved characters to go out as kindly (and beautifully drawn/animated) as possible with all the hugs and feels of canon Undertale without taking into account how much the very different context might warp the tone and the characterizations of everyone in the entire scene.

But like. God damn. There is something very off putting about not letting brave kind Martlet refuse to take this as an answer and then finding she actually can't stop it happening (and no her saying that after like two sentences from 'Ceraba who's judgement about the human sucks' doesn't count). About Starlow not recognising he and his posse might've had something to do with why Clover is thinking this. About Ceraba not on some level going 'IF THIS IS YOUR CHOICE THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME USE YOU TO SAVE KANAKO?!' Edit: Also a totally waste of prequel opportunity not to let Asgore visibly make the worst choices we canonly know he made on screen. Yes, he gets to stab Clover in the Flawed!Pacist route but Clover's trying to shoot him in that one; the fact we don't get to see him stab a 'far too willing to die for their friends and not defending themselves' Clover as the friend trio can do nothing to stop it from happening feels like such a cop out I swear XD

I'm all for 'Clover dies willingly' at the end of the True Pacifist but they way they did it was just... Really ugh in a way I'm finding tricky to word and I'm honestly shocked I haven't seen more people point it out (though admittedly that might be because I haven't really looked around much). ...So yeah. I know its too late to change said ending but really kinda hoping at some point one of the Undertale Yellow team realizes this might be an issue and thinks to add a content warning in the game's opening or something because it could really use one of those. Also that for any future projects they do, they happen to do a little more research into how to avoid accidentally glorify suicide as opposed to having it as a tragedy because damn they did not manage that here whatsoever.

---

ANYWAY, with all that rant finally out of my head some other stuff about Undertale Yellow I be feeling strongly:

Flowey's boss battle and the lead up to it is incredible and without a doubt makes the neutral route the most amazing well crafted route in the game. 10/10 may have already mentioned this in the massive rant above but if so gonna repeat it anyway because it's just that damn good.

Genocide route being a deconstruction of the 'disproportionate revenge is justice' 90s Anti Hero is very cool theme wise but the lack of the lack of stuff like notes in shops saying 'please don't kill my family' and monsters with less screen time getting more fleshed out drags it down a little, as does Clover not actually choking on dust or getting attacked by the human souls or something at the very end. Really do love the Martlet battle flashback moments and Axel's horrifically timed confession scene though.

The general uselessness of the ACT menu in big 'endurance' fights as well as the lack of 'alternative sparing ACTS' makes fights a lot less fun than they could be and I found myself a lot less willing to use them in general as a result despite them being my favorite thing about Undertale. Did still adore what fun stuff was in them though so I think it's just a case of them being a tad too out of focus compared to the bullet hell gameplay (which I'm not that good at) for my tastes.

Pacifist route could've really used some more optional hangouts and/or letters from the main friends. As is, the peak 'hang out' part of the game for me was the nap room I spent maybe two minutes in, and Dalv especially could've benefitted a ton from a bit more presence (I got more interaction from Mo and the rabbit who's tongue was stuck to a pole and I'm not happy about that? If nothing else not getting to see the inside of Martlet's house or help Dalv build his new home feel like lost opportunities).

Personal pet peeve and nothing too serious but not a fan of Asgore not getting the kill on Clover outside of Flawed Pacifist. Makes sense on most routes (glares at T!Pacifist again) given the way the plot is set up and all but given Toby Fox has repeatedly stated Asgore killed all the humans who fell post Chara it just drives me nuts XD (As does the poor Blue Soul getting treated as a killer/evil but like, I can see where people are coming on that one and Undertale Yellow uses that to amp up Chujin's nightmare fuel vibes fantastically so I shall reluctantly congratulate that theory's use there and steel myself for the inevitable 'wait you're using Undertale Yellow lore but Axis didn't kill Integrity?' questions that will be posted on my 'will eventually be posted' Undertale fanfics XDDDD)

Love all the main cast, especially Martlet, and I am way too hyped for the day Undertale Yellow and its main cast get their own fandom tags on AO3.

...Kanako's death was incredibly stupid and avoidable but like, that's kind of what I like about it? I really also wanna know which Amalgamite she became (I'm thinking probably the one that tucks Frisk in to sleep and pats them on the head because of her and Ceraba's little 'going to sleep' game but like, I could see a very heart wrenching case for her being part of So Cold as well).

Anyone reading this who somehow hasn't played Undertale Yellow should really stop reading this and go play the game. It's free, its (one major thematic issue I have moral objections to aside) pretty decently written, and hey, more Undertale stuff to have fun making fanworks with <3

Goddamn has Undertale Yellow kicked my drive to write Undertale fanfic into overload XD Thank you Undertale Yellow team for helping me get all fired up again and sorry about all the grr but dang it, it needed to be said and now that it's out of my system I can throw myself into finding ways to incorporate your settings and characters into fanworks of my own (admittedly the AU elements might make things kinda tricky -Asgore having to kill EVERY human child even more so- but that nifty little detail of early Royal Guard Martlet having and being willing to abuse her access to the Hotland Lab allows me so many ways to have Chujin be a well meaning awful person and I am living for it!) <3 <3 <3

[redfoxwritesstuff]

Posting schedule: Friday Misdemeanor, and Wednesdays for one the occasional one shot. Tag lists are always open. 

Join us in the VoxTek Discord server for a Vox themed Hazbin place to hang and get teasers for upcoming chapters! 

my AO3 and Kofi

A Misdemeanor Of The Heart 

Cover done by @redvexillum

Human Alastor x married reader Rated Adult for adult themes,triggering content and sexual content. Potentially DD:DNE, mind the warnings Series Trigger Warnings: Adultery, stalking, Sexual assault, Rape, smut, Domestic Violence, Time period accurate views on women and domestic violence and skin color, murder

Summary: Fading away in an abusive marriage, each day passes just the same as the last. Painful monotony eats at you until a pair of warm brown eyes sparks the idea that you could have something more. When a business deal between men sparks a torrid affair, how long can you keep things going before the fire either leaves you a burnt out shell or burns up everything around you?

And what becomes of the radio host who thought he was above the fickle fires of the heart when the match he strikes burns his hand instead? Can he possess what rightfully belongs to another man without leaving everything he has fought for in ashes?

Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59. 60

MisD Sidepieces: One shots or fics that take place in a MisD AU or are MisD canon but written by another.

Inappropriate Demeanor by @nyx-umbrakinesis (Canon placement, end of chapter 22)

Audio Chapters by Nyx Productions: Chapter 1: part 1 part 2, Chapter 2:  Part 1, part 2, part 3, chapter 3, Part 1, part 2, part 3, Chapter 4: Part 1, Part 2,  Chapter 5: Part 1, Part 2, Chapter 6: Part 1, Part 2

For Eternity (Completed)

Banner by @redvexillum

Alastor x Angel!Wife Oc (Isabel) Rated: Adult Warnings: This fic contains sexual content, explorations of consent within Angel Dust's contract in relation to sex work, Sexual assault, Possessive and obsessive behaviors, Power dynamics, Adam being an ass, kidnapping, Vox is in hell for a reason, Val is in hell for a reason, Vox has a weird thing for Alastor, Angel Dust is sweet as pie, murder, revenge, implied sexual assault and harassment, miscarriage and death.

Summary: Isabel died young, leaving behind her husband to pick up the pieces. Finding herself in Heaven, she waits for her husband to join her. And waits. And waits. Years and decades pass as she faces the realization that Alastor may not be joining her in Heaven, leaving her largely alone in a realm of double standards and fake smiles.

She must decide if she is going to move on from her marriage or do whatever it takes to reunite with her husband. Would he even still want her? Would she survive the dangers to find him? Would the cost be worth what could be gained?

Is Heaven really Heaven if the one you love isn't there with you?

Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13

Another day in Paradise (On hiatus)

Pairing: Eventually Alastor x OFC, later- light Alastor x ofc x Lucifer Rated: Adult for eventual smut Content warnings: It's Hazbin Hotel- this feels redundant. Sex, eventual smut, referenced implied suicide to be discussed in more detail later, drugs, drinking, poor coping, toxic behavior, controlling behavior, cannibalism, idk, it's fucking Hazbin Hotel, if it's worth a content warning it's probably going to come up at some point? Religious trauma. reader has a name/is a oc.

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4

A Taste of Sugar

Alastor x reader Rated: Adult for smut TW: blood kink, bondage, reader with trauma from food insecurity Summary: As you work through the trauma of your life and starving to death, you dismantle your stash of snacks for what you hope will be the final time. Snack cakes, cookies and crackers are given to everyone around you, except one resident in the hotel whom you knew wouldn't enjoy or consume the treats. Then, as the flow of treats tricked to a stop, stash dismantled, small brown boxes containing treats began to appear at your door. Simple, delicious and seemingly homemade treats without so much as a note.

He watched and he waited, each week for your offer. Each week, no offer came and again he left his gift at your door. Why would you not think of him? Why would you not see him? What did he have to do for you to consider him?

Chapters: 1,  2 

Wild Flowers (One shot)

Alastor x readerRated: Adult, 18+ Content warnings: Sex pollen trope and related questionable consent due to intoxication, oral (f receiving), multiple orgasms, knotting, praise, dancing that shouldn't be that sexy, biting, a touch of blood drinking, female masterbation, some possessiveness, Alastor being a bit of an ass

Summary: You had always loved flowers, so when you found a patch of pretty purple wildflowers growing in the small forest behind the hotel, you didn't think twice about picking a small handful to bring back to your room. While they smelled lovely, you were wholly unprepared for the side effects of exposure or the repercussions of offering the terrifyingly handsome Radio Demon a smell on your way to your room.

With your body burning from the inside out with an overwhelming need and a displeased Radio Demon pushing his way into your room, you have no idea what you're in for.

All you wanted was to pick some flowers but you got so much more.

Audio version brought to you by @nyx-umbrakinesis,  Pt1, Pt2, Pt3, Pt4, Pt5, Pt6.

Steamy Situations 18+  (One shot)

Alastor x readerRated: Adults only Warnings: Smut. It's shower smut. Female bodied reader. Careful with your shower sex.

Summary: You're hot and bored and your husband is busy working. If only there was a way you could distract him, get some of his attention and cool off. Audio Fic credits: Read by the lovely @nyx-umbrakinesis (Audio fic part 1, part 2)

Read me to sleep? (One shot)

Alastor x readerRating: G Summary: After a long, shitty day out and about you drag yourself home to the hotel to seek shelter and comfort in the one place you knew you could find it.

Home is where the heart is (One shot fluff) 

Vox x Reader Rated: General Warnings: I accidently spilled a little angst on the fluff serving. Sorry?

Summary: You're cooking dinner when your secret boyfriend comes home. Caught up in the moment, confessions are made and hearts are put on the line.

A Bed of Electric FLowers (One Shot)

Header done in part by the wonderful, amazing, fantastical @redvexillum

Vox x ReaderRated: Adult CW: Sex pollen trope, sex toy use, female masterbation, Vox's glowstick dick, way too many tv details, Male receiving oral,

Summary: A unexpected floral arrangement is delivered to your door as you're trying to ignore the lingering absence of your flat faced boyfriend. When Vox returns home and finds you in a compromising position, he's eager to assist even without a clue as to what has you so worked up.

Sister Dearest (One shot)

Requested: Vox x Alastor’s!Sister!Reader rated: Adult

Summary: Sneaking out of the protection of the protection of your brother's district was dangerous. Not only did you risk Alastor's wrath, you risked catching the eye of some unsavory characters. While you could meet many friends upon the streets of the forbidden tech district, you find Vox and his alluring promises of a good time.He knew of your brother and seemed to hold no animosity, surely he was a friend to the Radio Demon, right? Surely you could trust his company, right?Right?

Power (One Shot)

Vox x Reader Rating: Explicit 18+ Warnings: Porn without plot, Power dynamics, Secretary reader, Choking on dick, Office blowjob. 

Summary: Vox is wound tight after his on air showdown with the newly returned Alastor. The show must go on though and you have just what he needs to get into the right headspace to move forward. 

(None, for now)

(None, for now)

[m-o-l-d]

Werewolves Timber, a tired druid, and Eirwen, an energetic necromancer, embark on a journey to undo a magic bond accidentally set by an act of good will.

Together they will learn what life has to offer...

or

Together, they will die trying...

FULL STORY CHRONO First Part

CHAPTER 1--Ties That Bind || Chrono | First Part Ask Block #1 || Chrono | First Part CHAPTER 2--Blessed Snow || Chrono | First Part

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

WARNING

IN TIME, THIS BLOG WILL CONTAIN THE FOLLOWING THEMES, MENTIONS, AND IMAGERY:

DEATH INJURY/BLOOD VIOLENCE SUICIDAL IDEATION SEXUAL ASSAULT MISCARRIAGE SPIRITUAL/SOUL DISCUSSION. (Not really in a Christian sense, but I'll try to tag it as such if it gets too close.) CHILD ABUSE CHILD NEGLECT CHILD INJURY/ENDANGERMENT CHILD DEATH

I will do my absolute best to tag and warn appropriately for each part. If ever one is missing a tag/warning you think it needs, please kindly let me know in the comments or over on my main blog, @loupy-mongoose. I am human, relatively naive, and my mental filter doesn't always work the way I wish it would. ^^

To those ready to take those themes, welcome! I hope you enjoy the story to come! ^w^ And to those who choose to skip this blog altogether for ANY reason, I completely understand, and wish you a wonderful day! <3

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

EXTRA THINGS

-Tag for Lore related to this story HERE

-Extra character information can be found HERE

-Closer look at twins Timber and Brook here, in case you have trouble telling them apart.

-AU exploration HERE

-Extra art related to MOLD HERE

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

List of tags relevant to the above topics if you wish to block: (putting it under a bar for space saving reasons--I will add to it if needed)

#TW: Death -- #TW: Injury -- #TW: implied injury -- #TW: Blood -- #TW: Violence -- #TW: Suicide -- #TW: Suicidal Ideation -- #TW: Suicide Mention -- #TW: Sexual Assault -- #TW: SA -- #TW: SA Mention -- #TW: Miscarriage (I haven't seen that one mentioned as a trigger, but just in case.) -- #TW: Christianity (If it comes up, but I don't expect it to.) -- #TW: Child Abuse -- #TW: Child Neglect -- #TW: Child injury -- #TW: Child Endangerment -- #TW: Child Death

[rnsk-kousatsu]

"Becoming as One" and the Themes of Harmony in Digimon Survive

Overanalyzing Aoi and Shuuji again, because this is my new hobby ever since I played Survive.

They share many parallels, both obvious and subtle, that I feel are often overlooked. One of the lesser-discussed similarities is how their corruption arcs culminate in “bio-merging” with their respective partnermon, a process where the human and partnermon become a single entity. Since both characters are Harmony-aligned, I believe it’s worth exploring how these instances of bio-merging relate to and represent the themes of Harmony. More under the cut.

TWs: discussions of self-loathing and suicidal thoughts

Given that the partnermons are meant to reflect their human partner’s true self, I find it somewhat ironic that in two out of the three instances of bio-merging in Survive, the result paradoxically embodies a loss of self. While it makes sense when you consider the Harmony kids’ common thread of seeking conformity, one might expect that merging with one’s true self would lead to the realization of true selfhood. Instead, these unifications become vehicles of self-erasure, where the former self is submerged by a new identity, as they are represented as dark evolutions that occur when the ideals of Harmony are taken to an extreme.

To get what I mean, let’s consider Kaito’s corruption arc. Symbolically, Kaito letting go of Dracumon by fusing Vamdemon (Dracumon) with Piemon can be seen as him discarding his conscience to further his selfish desires without any regard for others. This makes sense to most of us easily, because we’re consistently shown how Dracumon acts as Kaito’s restraint throughout the story — his “moral compass”, if you will. Without Dracumon, there’s no one who can keep Kaito in check anymore. So, the “death” of Dracumon being the metaphor for Kaito going morally bankrupt feels pretty intuitive, at least to me personally.

In contrast, I didn't find the symbolism in Shuuji’s and Aoi’s corruption arcs—particularly their fusion with their partners—as immediately intuitive, for the reasons I’ve outlined earlier. However, after mulling over their arcs a bit more, I’ve come to the realization how both of them becoming one with their respective partner can actually carry multifaceted symbolism that may not be immediately apparent. Also, the different nuances in how the themes of Harmony manifest in their arcs mean that the symbolism works a bit differently in each of their arcs too. Let me explain.

First off, we’ll look at Shuuji and Lopmon. Shuuji’s arc revolves around his struggle with self-acceptance. Through his father’s relentless expectations, he’s always made to feel inadequate, and in turn it drives him to constantly force himself into an imaginary mold that he doesn’t fit into. He does this by repressing his true feelings while trying to live up to (what he believes to be) his father’s idea of a perfect self. His very apparent hatred of Lopmon is mostly meant to represent his self-loathing, among many other things — in a way, Lopmon serves as a reminder for Shuuji that he hasn’t truly changed into the person that his father wants him to be. This is why Shuuji keeps trying to force Lopmon to change as well, even if it means cruelly pushing him beyond his limits.

The outcome of Shuuji’s arc depends on whether he comes to recognize his mistaken beliefs. If he fails to do so, Lopmon evolves into Wendimon and devours him. As this post has already described, this scene serves as a metaphor for Shuuji succumbing to the self-hatred that has been eating away at him from within, leading to a complete loss of self. Because, in both a figurative and literal sense, no trace of Shuuji’s former, “true” self remains—just as there’s nothing left of the Lopmon we once knew in Wendimon.

Most people believe that this is the moment where Shuuji finally dies, but I think that isn’t the case. In Survive, the lore states that a partnermon dies the moment their human dies. However, Wendimon doesn’t die right after he completely consumes Shuuji, and instead, he gains the ability to speak. Make of this what you will, but in my opinion, this gives a clue that Wendimon being alive after consuming Shuuji isn’t merely a narrative convenience to keep him around for the fight, and that Shuuji has actually been absorbed into Wendimon. In other words, Shuuji and Lopmon are finally unified in their suffering as Wendimon, with Wendimon’s monstrous form serving as a visual manifestation of both Shuuji and Lopmon’s new identity, warped beyond recognition even to themselves.

If you pay close attention to Wendimon’s speech, you’ll notice that he actually speaks with two voices — both Shuuji’s and Lopmon’s. It can be hard to tell since the voices are heavily filtered, but Shuuji’s voice has a slightly deeper pitch than Lopmon. Even if you can’t tell, the story hints at this detail by showing how the other kids and partnermons can distinguish between the voices when Wendimon speaks.

“IT HURRRTS… I’M SCAAARED… I DON’T WANNA DO THIIIS…” “WHAT’S… WRONG WITH ME? WHAT SHOULD I HAVE DONE…?”

I bring this up because it’s intriguing how Wendimon speaks in dual voices despite supposedly being a single entity. It’s as if the story is trying to convey that, even in their merged state, Shuuji and Lopmon aren’t truly reconciled — and it’s because Shuuji hasn’t silenced the part of himself that continues to question and doubt. To understand this, notice how Wendimon wails about two entirely different things: in Lopmon’s voice, he cries about how he doesn’t want to do any of this anymore, how he’s scared of this and how it hurts. Meanwhile, in Shuuji’s voice, he rants about not knowing what he should have done to make others happy (but especially to please his father, as I believe his words are primarily directed at his father) and wonders if it’s better for him to disappear if his existence is a nuisance to other people. While Lopmon continuously voices Shuuji’s true feelings that he buries deep inside, Shuuji himself remains fixated on seeking external validation and is concerned about what others think of him even at the expense of his own well-being.

To understand why Wendimon having dual voices is relevant to this discussion in the first place, let’s now turn our attention to Aoi and Labramon. Aoi’s character arc revolves around her desire for authority and proactiveness, which she struggles with because her self-consciousness constantly holds her back from taking actions. This is largely why Aoi and Labramon’s dynamic is vastly different from Shuuji and Lopmon’s relationship, because while Aoi also represses the side of her that Labramon displays — whether subconsciously or not — Labramon’s outspokenness instead embodies the part of Aoi that she wishes she could express more freely but is suppressed by her insecurity.

When Aoi merges with Labramon, the situation is slightly different from Shuuji’s experience, though it carries its own tragic implications: in an effort to save Aoi, Labramon sacrifices her own “self” to become the new force that sustains Aoi’s life. Perhaps because it’s also fueled by Aoi’s overwhelming guilt and frustration over her perceived powerlessness, the act leads them to bio-merge and dark-evolve into Plutomon.

While not entirely analogous, I think it’s fair to make a comparison between Plutomon and Wendimon. The game itself does this as well: upon seeing Aoi becomes Plutomon and kills Piemon, Kaito instantly makes a remark of Aoi becoming like Shuuji. In English, the line is worded as:

“Don’t tell me this is like with Shuuji… When he turned all evil!?”

However, in Japanese, the line is:

“まさか……シュウジのように……暗黒進化か！？” “Don’t tell me… she’s become like Shuuji… is it a dark evolution!?”

It’s interesting to me that Kaito immediately draws a parallel between her and Shuuji. And I have to emphasize that it’s specifically Shuuji, not Lopmon. I’m saying this because they all perceive Plutomon as Aoi instead of Labramon (the game emphasizes this too by having Plutomon’s name initially written as “Aoi?”), whereas we (as the players) tend to perceive Wendimon as Lopmon instead of Shuuji. See where I’m getting at here?

“Aoi, you say? No, I’ve cast off that weak persona.”

Now, unlike Wendimon, who retains both Shuuji’s and Lopmon’s voices, Plutomon speaks only with Aoi’s voice. One interpretation that we can draw is that, unlike Wendimon, the singular voice might represent Aoi and Labramon reaching a true level of mutual understanding and harmony where they don’t have to speak over each other in order to be heard. But I think there’s more to it: given that Labramon is consistently depicted in the story as voicing Aoi’s inner thoughts that she keeps holding back from expressing, I think this is meant to also symbolize her internal resolution where she no longer has the need to externalize her inner thoughts through Labramon, as she now fully embodies those thoughts herself. This might seem empowering at first, seeing how her newfound confidence seems to have conquered her lingering self-doubt that used to haunt her. However, on the other hand, the loss of Labramon’s separate voice means that Aoi has lost an external perspective. The implication is that Aoi is now entirely self-reliant, with no external check on her thoughts or actions. In other words, Aoi has lost the ability to see herself from an outside perspective that used to keep her grounded and connected to the world outside herself.

“Labramon agrees, from deep down inside me.”

(I put the screenshot above because I find it interesting — I think the fact that Aoi speaks on behalf of Labramon, rather than letting Labramon speak for herself, further supports the interpretation of Aoi having absorbed Labramon’s voice into her own, leaving no room for external input anymore.)

This ultimately leads Aoi to form a singular belief system, one that’s entirely shaped by her internal convictions. And it drives her into a dangerously inflexible mindset where any form of disagreement or differing perspective is perceived as a threat to her newly discovered harmony. In her mind now, the only way to ensure peace and unity is to eliminate the possibility of conflict altogether by merging everyone with their partnermon, creating a single, unified consciousness. And Aoi is absolutely resolute in this, because she has now isolated herself in her certainty by silencing other voices, becoming rigid and intolerant of any challenge to her worldview — one rooted in a distorted sense of harmony that results in a situation where disagreement is eradicated, not resolved.

Some of you might find it ironic that, despite supposedly embodying the corruption of harmony, Aoi (as Plutomon) seems to act more on her own selfish ideals rather than striving for true consensus, even if flawed. However, this makes sense when you contrast her motivation with Shuuji’s: while Shuuji is driven by external pressures and doesn’t necessarily “enjoy” conforming to others’ expectations, Aoi’s actions stem purely from her own self-imposed ideals. Aoi genuinely values social propriety and seeks to uphold it (as @digisurvive puts it, she’s the reason why the group is very hierarchical — she always makes sure that everyone follows the rules of conduct properly), so it’s natural that the themes of Harmony would manifest this way in her corruption arc. So, while Shuuji being absorbed into Wendimon through devouring represents the ultimate death of self, Aoi’s bio-merging with Labramon into Plutomon instead gives her an epiphany of her ideal version of “Harmony”—one she feels compelled to enforce on everyone.

[dearmahiru-archive]

— together in death; dearmahiru's shinjū theory

tw: this post revolves around the discussion of group suicide and a toxic relationship

Before I Love You had released, I proposed Mahiru attempted to commit a lover's suicide with her boyfriend. It's hopelessly outdated (and terribly formatted) but, given we've recieved many confirmations about Mahiru's story, I wanted to try rewriting the theory with the new information. For reference here is the old post.

Yamanaka: ❝ When we designed the characters and their sins, we tried to design them in a way that is open for interpretation depending on how each viewer feels, and encourage differences in opinions. For example, some sins may be legally wrong, or something that you can’t forgive emotionally, and some may be interpreted differently due to cultural differences and different upbringings. So we encourage people from all walks of life to participate, to increase the diversity and depth in the results. ❞

Understandably, this post will paint Mahiru in an overtly sympathetic light given my bias towards her. However, I'm disinterested in rehashing the same "Mahiru is a bad person" points when everyone is aware of her flaws. I acknowledge proposing this theory would seem like an attempt to absolve Mahiru of guilt but that's not my intention. Like every character, Mahiru is morally gray and whether the audience finds her forgivable is up to them.

So, without further ado, let's begin.

01. Setting The Scene

This particular scene in I Love You is extremely important: namely, it's the location of her victim's death.

If we look at Mahiru's incarnation records, her victim died in Aokigahara, Japan's infamous suicide forest. This makes sense given he had died by hanging.

At least since the 1960s, Aokigahara has become associated with suicide, eventually becoming known in English by the nickname "Suicide Forest" and gaining a reputation as one of the world's most-used suicide sites.

Adding onto this, we know Mahiru went with her boyfriend to Aokigahara. First, ofcourse, the two are seen walking through a literal forest. Second, in Mahiru's Undercover memories, the sleeves perfectly align with the clothes Mahiru and her boyfriend wear. There's no other day where these sleeves align—trust me, I checked.

Q. Can you drive a car? Mahiru: "I have a drivers license. But I'm only a 'paper driver.'"

A paper driver is someone who's license is only 'paper' because they don't use it. Aokigara is a two-hour drive away from Tokyo which is where Mahiru lives. If she doesn't drive then this might mean it was her boyfriend who drove them to Aokigahara.

So to recap, Mahiru and her boyfriend went to a suicide forest together. This does beg the question though: why did Mahiru come along? If she knew her boyfriend was suicidal then wouldn't she try consoling him? Unless, ofcourse, Mahiru also wanted to die.

02. Love Is Mine

When you peek into Mahiru's symbolism you'll notice one reoccurring theme: clinging onto someone until you both suffocate.

Beginning with this shot of Mahiru and her victim, she's depicted as the literal noose tied around her boyfriend's neck. However, as many have noted, it can also be interpreted as her comforting him. As opposed Haruka who's straddling ontop of his victim, Mahiru's boyfriend is laying on her lap while she gazes into his eyes. Although violent, it's a distinctly intimate scene.

Personally, I'm partial to the name theory which suggests each prisoner's name reflects something about their crime. I noted the meaning behind Mahiru's name here but I'll regurgitate it. Mahiru's name means "Midday" which fits along her description:

A prisoner who is like the sun, always chatting and laughing.

So, with the theory in mind, Mahiru's crime relates to her eternal sunny presence.

Along with this, each prisoner has the kanji for "wood" in their name and removing that kanji reflects an aspect of their crime. (For instance, Haruka (嬰) would be "baby" or "necklace" and Yuno (堅) would be "strong" or "resolute" like her real personality).

With out the wood kanji, Mahiru's name is 隹 which means means "bird," obviously relating to how Mahiru and her boyfriend are both bluebirds suffocating within their small birdcage. Their relationship was doomed from the beginning—as bluebirds are wild animals and therefore cannot survive in cages. It was inevitable one of them would've become stressed out and died. Put a pin in the birdcage symbolism since we'll came back to that.

Moving on, in her first voice drama, Mahiru reveals how her victim died:

Es: "I see. So, you became a murderer as a result of some relationship conflicts? Jealousy… Grudges… Having your partner stolen from you… Those stories aren’t all that uncommon now are they?" Mahiru: "You’re wrong. It wasn’t that. I…never even wanted to kill anyone in the first place!" Es: [pauses] Mahiru: "I just… I was… just being myself."

(honestly really frustrating how people still theorize mahiru/her boyfriend cheated when she expressed multiple times that wasn't the case. all of the victims apart from kotoko's were innocent people and mahiru "loving my bf is my defining personality trait" shiina isn't about to tap someone's elses ass. if anything this is a demonstration she was only stressed out about her partner leaving her but whatever i digress)

And then later on these exchanges happen:

Es: It was your love which killed someone, right? Despite that, will you still try to love another person?  Mahiru: [thinks] Actually,��I was hoping you could tell me the answer to that, prison guard… If what I did was unforgivable.

Mahiru: Ah, this isn’t good. Be careful, okay? Um… Um… If you’re that kind to me, you could die as well. Just—kidding?  

So already, this theme of suffocation has been reinforced multiple times. Mahiru goes with her boyfriend to a suicide forest, she locks hands with him, she's symbolised as a noose hanging him, she's stuck in a birdcage with him, and it's her sunny disposition, her love for him which kills him.

Which forms the foundation for this theory: following her theme of clinging until suffocation, Mahiru tried to die alongside her boyfriend to forever stay with him.

Q. What is the ultimate form of Love?Mahiru: Being always together

Mahiru: My first shrine visit of the year was together with him. Obviously I know what I want to wish for. Please let us stay together like this forever. Please don’t let anyone else get in our way

Do you really think you know what love is? If you do, let's just overheat together! [Mahiru is outright singing, "Lets stay close together for so long we could die from the warmth.]

If you don't hug me, even our hearts will start drifting apart [Otherwise, "If you don't hold me close then I won't feel loved by you."

Mahiru: "Ehehe...I love, love, LOVE YOU!! Don't ever let me go, ok!"

The happiness we tightly bound up and suffocated, is no longer here

Which leads us to our third point: oh goodness Mahiru's relationship was a hot mess.

03. Love Is (Un)Dead

Okay, so we've established a lot but there's one thing missing: Is Mahiru herself suicidal?

Mahiru: It’s because I've… decided that I’m going to live for the sake of love

Mahiru: Hmm. If you can’t forgive me for what I’ve done, then there’s no point in living—to be honest. [laughs] 

Mahiru: Being in love is… If there was no such thing as love, then my life would be so bland. So, if you say that I won’t be allowed it anymore, then there’s no point in me living. 

An extremely unfortunate yes! Similar to how Shidou wishes to die because of his love, Mahiru only lives for the sake of love. (Infact, coasting off this shinju theory, I'd even say that both Shidou and Mahiru wanted to die for the sake of meeting their loved ones again.)

One specific detail I'd like to highlight are Mahiru's shoes.

In Japan there is a custom for people to take off their shoes before entering their homes, as to not track dirt into their houses. As a result of this line of thinking there is also a custom where people take off their shoes before they enter the afterlife as not to track dirt and such into their ethereal destination. Abandoned pairs of shoes in Japanese media have become symbolic of suicides, and they are also common in non-Japanese media.

This specific symbolism is seen an additional time with Mahiru and Kazui's victims in Undercover and Mu in It's Not My Fault, both of which are related to suicide.

In Mahiru first MV, there's always a shot where we can explicitly see her shoes. They're on in the beginning, off when she confesses to her boyfriend and they begin dating, and on again after something happened to her boyfriend.

I believe this may represent she was suicidal during the relationship. Apart from this, there's lots of little details which paint the picture she was unhappy with her life and dating her boyfriend.

When being interviewed, she tends to talk a lot, and she seems to have developed some special feelings for the prison guard, and sometimes also shows a lonely, vacant expression in contrast to her normally bright and cheerful self. [These "special feelings" for Es aren't necessarily romantic. Atleast, it's "love" in the same way Mahiru thinks of a murder prison as a romantic getaway. It's moreso developes a connection with Es because they uniquely give her attention and she finds their hardwork admirable. She finds them kind and, "if youre kind to me I'm going to start relying on you, thanks!"]

"Hello! I’m Shiina Mahiru, 22 years old! I may be incompetent, but it’s a pleasure meeting you!"

Mahiru: Right…… so you too, Mu-chan…Hmm, I guess it’s because of the environment here. Sometimes your mental state has an impact. Mu: …You’re the same, then? …that it’s gone…… Mahiru: …it’ll be fine, it’ll be fine. This sort of thing happens all the time~

I guess we can just say that this feeling is happiness I can't stop feeling like there's something missing

We can both feel lonely sometimes, but wonder if you'll get angry soon

We fought sometimes, I was happy to get hurt Let's have matching pain, this sickness is pretty bad

This is a claim of responsibility From the two of us with matching love Wanting to know everything about you, but wanting to die because it can't come true It's all because of love

Don’t lose focus even when exercising! The pastel tones mean not only do you look ready to go but also give off a cute oneesan appeal. Even for a rougher style of dress you can’t be careless! Painted toenails and a necklace show some attention to detail to make for a sexy casual style. Just because it’s outdoors doesn’t mean you can relax too much! Even when picking out a date outfit to protect you from the cold, you still want to protect that loveable silhouette.

Most damning of all I'll say is Mahiru's parasite cover. The song tells a story about a scorned girlfriend who was used for sex and seeks alcohol in order to deal with her lingering feelings for ex-boyfriend. At one point Miku throws a bouquet back mirroring Mahiru's desire for a wedding.

(hmm funny how the "mahiru is a yandere because she covered psychogram" crowd was silent about this cover i wonder whyyyy)

Why can’t you understand? I hate you! Never touch me again

Wait a second, when did things start going wrong? I loved the bad parts too, everything was fine

It’s even worse when you are nice to me, But I don’t want to be given the cold shoulder [Most of all, Mahiru desires attention from her boyfriend. In her T1 MV she mentions how he "not the brightest so he never notices that I go to the beautician." This is a likely a blow to her self confidence given the heavy emphasis she has on appearing pretty. Sporadically across the magazines there's lines about "not slacking off" in public because people are always watching.]

Hey, give me back the time I used loving you, You liar. But I still love you

Hey, please don’t leave me behind, Hey, I’m hungry [This line always makes me so sad. In Mahiru's cover there's a beep to imply she's leaving this as a voice-mail for her boyfriend. Once again fulfilling our "stay with me always" clinging symbolism quota.]

Pretend not to see spitting out saliva, You're going to throw me away as incombustible waste

It’s just a bunch of “why”, I can’t change, I want to…I don’t want to leave

Hey, I want you to let me hug you at the last moment, thank you. And now, you are too (a parasite)

It's the last line I'd like to highlight because, all in one song, we've reinforced Mahiru's happiness in the relationship and the clinging symbolism. Mahiru and her boyfriend were both parasites who's clung onto eachother and deprived eachother of nutrients. Both of you suck!!

Then there's Mahiru's two symbolic locations: the birdcage and the carousel. Both of Mahiru's mindscapes places her in the same location: her home, as evident by the couches with pillows.

Personally, I subscribe to the idea the Day 16's house belong to Mahiru or it's a shared home with her boyfriend. If the poor financial situation theory is correct then the two might've decided to live together to cut costs (or Mahiru pressured him into agreeing). Her boyfriend works at a convenience store so he's probably not as financially well-off as Mahiru who recieves an allowance.

However, on a subconscious level, Mahiru thinks of her their home as a birdcage. As stated before, bluebirds can't survive in birdcages, and this is represented by her boyfriend's feathers falling from stress. Something interesting I'd like to note is that Mahiru considers leaving the birdcage but instead decides to dive back into the feathers, causing her boyfriend even more stress. Say with me: clinging 👏 until 👏 you 👏 suffocate 👏 imagery.

"Hmm... I’m a little troubled that I can’t go home, but... It’s fine, I guess. Even if I go home, there’s nothing left... And, I find it fun talking to you!"

Then, after her boyfriend's death, she thinks of their home as a carousel ride. The ledge at the beginning of the MV implies that—rather than an expansive space like Mu's beehive—the carousel is a small space. It's only Mahiru, the couch, the carousel, and a dead corspe. All she's able to do is fall asleep or ride the carousel again by herself, knowing she'll have to get off at some point. It's once again that imagery of something which is cramped and suffocating.

Both of her mindscapes cut them off from the outside world. Within her own mind all that matters is simply her and her boyfriend.

04. The Only You Can('t) Leave

Finally, I'd like to note something which has been sitting on my mind: Mahiru's themes of destiny and rebirth.

Q. What do you think happens when people die? Mahiru: They go to heaven!

Lovers committing double suicide believed that they would be united again in heaven, a view supported by feudal teaching in Edo period Japan, which taught that the bond between two lovers is continued into the next world, and by the teaching of Pure Land Buddhism wherein it is believed that through double suicide, one can approach rebirth in the Pure Land.

(big credit to doctorbunny's and archivalofsins's work on the this is how to be inlove with you locations for pointing this out! ily2 please check them out)

On Day 8, Mahiru goes with her boyfriend to go see "Your Name." Take this with a grain salt because I haven't see the actual movie— I refuse to watch a Makoto Shinkai film until he's allowed to write yuri—but the general gist is that two teenagers from 2013 and 2016 end up swapping bodies. Later, it's revealed that Mitsuha, the main heroine, is fated to die from a comet hitting the earth in the future. Fortunately, through time shenanigans, her fate ends up being altered and both teens end up surviving.

A romance movie featuring a dead lover and a mid relationship? Why, it's perfect for Mahiru!

The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break. This myth is similar to the Western concept of soulmate or a destined partner.

Okay, okay, jokes aside that's not the sole reason I'm bringing up Your Name. Ofcourse, what's most interesting is it's theme of soulmates and how it relates to Mahiru.

Mahiru: Yeah. – Him and I… we loved each other. Properly as boyfriend and girlfriend. We met in college… It was the first time for me, so I don’t know if it was good or not, but… I think we were just normally going out together. I thought it was fate. He said it was, too.

Q. How did you meet your lover? Mahiru: We met eyes at the university terrace. I really felt like it was fate.

On the terrace at university, when I met eyes with that person I knew it must be fate. I might have been born purely so I could one day end up together with him. Or not, am I just overthinking things?

I ran into the person I’m interested in at the bread shop. This has to be fate, right? In the end I ended up buying the same bread as he got, but maybe I don’t need this much… > < I wasn’t thinking about the calories.

We went to one of the filming locations for a movie we both like! This sort of thing can only happen in Tokyo huh! It really must be fate that even our taste in movies lines up. I feel like a totally different person to before I met him… [Once again the movie she's talking about Your Name which is one of the highest grossing anime films of all times... bestie... ily but your rose colored glasses are blinding!!!]

Namely, once again, we're reinforcing the theme of clinging together until you suffocate. Two soulmates forced into loving eachother by the hands of fate. It's a very romantic idea twisted into something heart-wrenching.

The idea of "saving your lover from death" is briefly reflected Day 8 where Mahiru gives her boyfriend a hangover cure from called Corspe Reviver. A bit on the nose, don't you think?

This sections dawdles a little bit from the whole Shinju Theory but it felt off if I didn't include it. Given Shidou's entire character revolves around killing in order to save his loved ones, I can almost imagine Mahiru's murder was to save her boyfriend as well. There's not much evidence but... it's certainly there, right?

05. Conclusion

Aha, this post kind of devolved from "heres my shinju theory" and moreso "wow, Mahiru has a lot of suffocation imagery" which is true. There's so much of it. I don't even think this is all of it!

Theres alot more I wanted to add but... I'm not good with writing long posts if you couldn't tell! If anyone would like to add onto this for me I'd be thrilled ❤️

[rattling-reverberations]

The Sounds From All Around

This blog is dedicated to my original Wuthering Waves characters. The mod of this blog (@drowning-in-cabbages) is the same mod who runs the following blogs

@thewanderingpuppet (Kabukimono)

@tales-of-eternity (Genshin original characters x4)

@feathers-and-song (Honkai Star Rail original characters x2 + AUs)

@not-someones-shadow (Vanitas from Kingdom Hearts)

I am Oc, AU, and Crossover friendly!

18+ only as this does deal with very intense topics

Because of the nature of my character, Hawkmoth, this blog does deal with dark subject matter such as:

Possessiveness

Obsessiveness

Body horror

Arachnophobia

Bug eating

Deathly illnesses

Religious themes

Implied cannibalism

Death and murder

And many other topics related to mutilation of the human body

Suicide and self-harm mentions

Depression

Mental issues

Subject matters will be tagged accordingly

Click here to read more about Hawkmoth, the muse of this blog!

(More muses to come....maybe)

Open prompts and always accepting

Rules are as follows:

NSFW is allowed, but keep in mind it is more than just sexual content. This will also include depictions of gore and body horror.

Don't be rude. Those who are will be blocked

No shipping wars

While ships don't necessarily have to be discussed, I would prefer if they were. If you think your muse would bond well with Hawkmoth (or any of the others as they come out) please discus through a dm with me first. I will make exceptions if I think the two have good chemistry.

Please have fun

Tags:

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TW: [insert trigger here] (Post contains sensitive subject matter)

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[bigjimbopickens]

About What Happened From Feb 7-9th

Hey everyone, I’m making another post and I promise it will be the last time I talk about this here, unless there’s a huge update. Since last time it was emotionally driven and I wasn’t in a good headspace I thought I would make another now that I’m in a better mental state and can think more clearly.  

For those who don’t want to read this insanely long post, here is a summarized version: February 7th Kevin uploads a sponsored video on Hogwarts Legacy. It brought a lot of transphobia into the community and it turned on each other. On February 9th Kevin wrote an apology on his subreddit and it has a mixed reception. 

With that out of the way I would encourage you to read the full post as I go into more detail, analyze Kevin’s post and also touch on the video itself since I did watch it when it was uploaded. 

Some trigger warnings will be needed for this. 

TW // transphobia and antisemitism mentions, topics on or related to suicide.

Should also mention that I am only trans, not Jewish, so I cannot speak on their behalf. But since HL has heavy antisemitic themes it would be unfair to leave them out of the conversation.

I am documenting this so it is not forgotten and we can learn from it. There may be things I missed and can add if I am informed. This is also all mostly from my perspective as a trans guy who was very active in all sides of the community during this, not just the subreddit or YouTube comments. 

A recap of the situation:

- February 7th at 12pm Pacific Standard Time, the video “Being a bad wizard in Hogwarts Legacy” by Call Me Kevin is uploaded. It is a sponsored video. 

- Within minutes of the video being posted, the comments become very toxic. People express their concern and/or disappointment that Kevin would promote that game to his audience. People in the replies tell them to off themselves or call them 41%ers, referring to the suicide rate of trans people.

- r/CallMeKevin discusses it in the comments of the bot post and the discussion is mostly respectful.

- The hate then spreads far into the community starting with the subreddit.

- A user wrote an open letter to Kevin about all of this and the comments were horribly transphobic with several upvotes and the thread gets locked. 

- People take to twitter to discuss it and fights break out there as well. The amount of tweets covering it makes the situation spread far outside of the community as outsiders also share their thoughts.

- Other subreddits, specifically trans ones, also cover what happened to what was once a safe space for trans people. 

- February 8th, 12 hours after the situation begins, Instagram account cmk_things, which is run by three trans admins, makes a statement. The comments on that post also become horribly transphobic, thus spurring on the hate to the CMK Instagram community. 

- Allegedly, Anna_Chess is also harassed about this. 

- February 9th at 5am PST Kevin makes the subreddit post titled “A letter to the CMK community”. It has a mixed reception with some forgiving him and others not. 

- A much smaller scale fight breaks out between the people most affected by this and people calling them soft for not wanting to immediately accept Kevin’s apology. 

- By the end of the day things begin to finally calm down. The worst of it has ended.

End of timeline, for now (but I hope it doesn’t continue unless it’s positive). 

Needless to say, this entire situation was horrible for everyone involved. I truly don’t want it to happen again and we can all learn something from this, which is why I have documented it. Next I wanted to analyze the post Kevin made to the subreddit.

Kevin’s Apology Post Link to the post if you haven’t seen it: https://www.reddit.com/r/CallMeKevin/comments/10xu9ot/a_letter_to_the_cmk_community/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf  In this section I wanted to touch upon this more since the wording of it confused me at first, but now that I am feeling better mentally I can properly comprehend it. This is all coming from the perspective of a trans man who’s been a very active community member for 3 years and an active viewer for 5 (and also was an A+ English student who did these a lot). I am not meaning to defend him or anything, rather just explaining it from how I see it. It starts off with him saying he is sorry and that he wanted to explain it from his side. In the next one he wrote “I'm not sure how this whole thing was covered in other countries but as someone who does not use social media this boycott was pretty much invisible.” I am from Canada and this pretty much wasn’t covered at all except online in places you’d only see it if you were from a minority the game impacts, so I will give him that. However, you’d think a gaming YouTuber would at least try to keep up with what’s going on in the gaming world. Kevin also wrote “I'm surprised that I've not heard any discussion within my recent streams or on my comment section given the scale of it.” There was discussion of it, though it was usually just one or two comments or were in places Kevin wouldn’t have seen it. During the stream on February 5th there was a conversation in the chat about it that did get missed where someone asked if he was going to play it and people started saying that they hope he doesn’t for obvious reasons. Though I understand why it was likely missed, Kevin wasn’t reading the chat much as he was playing with other people when it happened. In the next paragraph Kevin wrote “I had also heard of there being a boycott of some kind on the game but honestly assumed this was not a big thing, every other day I hear of someone/something being a problem and I just don't engage with that news.” So he admits to hearing about the boycott after saying it was invisible to him? Strange. Sometimes these things aren’t huge issues as the internet does like to blow things out of proportion (I mean, just look at this situation haha) but oftentimes it is serious and should be treated as such. I wouldn’t be surprised if he heard about it early on before the weeks leading up to the launch and made an assessment based off of that, but on the other hand, I still find it really strange how he didn’t know about how serious this was. Again, you’d think a gaming YouTuber would keep up with these things. Other ones I watch do, like RTGame and Kwite/Kwote. “When it comes to boycotts in a general sense I would disagree that buying something is endorsing the view of everyone involved.” Is the first line of the next section. To an extent he is right, not the devs’ fault that Rowling is a shitty person. Though giving your support to things like this gives the companies involved more incentive to continue, which is one of the reasons why the boycott happened. The problem also wasn’t entirely the fact he played it, rather it was the fact he was paid to promote it to his audience of viewers who were impacted by the game and how his community turned on itself. There is another line in this part that I pretty much have the same thing to say about so I won’t repeat myself, but it’s along the lines of “but JK Rowling wasn’t involved.” Kevin then addresses the comments. The first two statements have no issues, he is correct. Not everyone is as informed as others are. In the third one he explains that usually when his videos are promoted to an outside audience it does get more hate than usual. That is pretty standard for YouTube. He then explains that this time the hate was amplified by the situation and he disabled the comments on the video, which is good on him. Kevin ends this section essentially saying he doesn’t support people attacking others for who they are along with his community because “from my experience [the community] have been the most kind and supportive group of people.” I do a little gatekeeping here, I always have. I believe that genuine fans of CMK wouldn’t be transphobic or antisemitic. Though a lot of the bigotry came from inside the community with users who were either active subreddit users, had CMK related usernames and/or pfps or were usernames I recognized from previous kind comments I got on my artwork. I guess it was the 1% Kevin left out when he said 99%. Kevin then explains how he can see why someone would be on either side of this situation, which is probably not the best thing to put in an apology letter to your community after alienating them and, albeit unintentionally, enabling transphobia and antisemitism to go on. It’s not really a good idea to be neutral on things like this as one side will assume you’ve taken the other’s side and vice versa. It’s like he doesn’t want to make a definitive statement. I know he probably didn’t mean it like that but the way he worded it makes it sound like such. The final part is about how he doesn’t want to put out any more hate and apologizes about everything. When I first read it I actually started crying about the last line, probably because I was at my lowest during the situation and it was 5am. I didn’t sleep at all during those two days. The last line was “I'm sorry for any hurt I've caused you, I have felt terrible knowing I've hurt a group that have been nothing but nice to me.” I am glad he said something as I was very worried he was just going to remain silent or only apologize in a reply thread on Twitter where only a few would see it (like last time). Part of me wishes he did a bit more but I’m satisfied with this. I never once believed he would endorse this behaviour nor did I think he was transphobic. He made a huge mistake that has ruined his reputation and the trust his community had, he’s going to have to work hard to rebuild that. I’m a huge believer in that you can accept an apology but not forgive anyone for anything they may have done. I personally did accept the apology but haven’t forgiven him yet. He shouldn’t have done this in the first place and this situation could’ve been avoided. Though once more time passes and things calm down more I imagine I will. I am in a position to make that call, I am a transgender man who was targeted during this situation as I was very vocal about it. Though I’ll return to the community soon, I have projects that I started before the situation that I don’t want to scrap. I’m just glad that the worst of it is over, we can only improve from here. If Kevin is somehow reading this then I have this to say to you: I know I seem harsh but I don’t mean to be, though sometimes the truth hurts. I genuinely hope you learn from this and I know you never meant for this to happen in the first place. You’ve never come across as that type of person to me. For a while I’ve relied on your content and community as an escape from the real world that was nothing but harsh to me because I’m not the perfect cishet neurotypical catholic woman my family wanted. I would’ve hated for it to all end over something like this. Please, don’t let it happen again. I don’t want to see you become known as a YouTuber who prioritized money over real human lives instead of fictional. And also, skill issue tbh.

Not sure what else I expected from my favourite clueless cishet. It’s sad how he is the only YouTuber I watch who did apologize for this. All the others doubled down and I had to unsubscribe. Grateful Kevin didn’t go down that path.

My own apology: Now I want to take some time to apologize for the confusion that I have caused. I will admit I was not okay mentally when I wrote all those things and I said things I didn’t mean. I also understand that my words could’ve been easily misinterpreted, which did happen. I reek of undiagnosed bipolar disorder and I also have autism. I usually try to not let that fuel anything I talk about online but sometimes it gets the best of me. I’m not trying to use that as an excuse, rather it’s an explanation to why it happened. I will do my best to not let it happen again. I’m sorry. The video itself: I did actually watch the video. I wanted to so I could see if there was any mention of the controversy and so I wouldn’t make assumptions. I watched it while in a call on a Discord server I’m in. We all shouted “KEVIN NO” when we got the notification and continued to shout that once I said it was sponsored. The video itself doesn’t have many issues, aside from the obvious. It was an unbiased look at the game and didn’t feel any different from other CMK videos. If I am going to be honest, I would rather have Kevin do a video on it than someone who’s very clearly biased and the “I bought this game to own the libs” type. Though I still preferred there to be no video at all. He’s also not the only Irish Lad to do a video, Terroriser and Nogla also have and I’m not surprised. Its a video I won’t ever be watching again though. The first CMK video I actually hated watching. 

Addressing comments: During this I have gotten many comments and messages as I was very vocal during this and I’m also a fairly well known user. Even if you’ve never heard of me you’ve likely seen the things I’ve done. I wanted to publicly address them as it offers more insight to the situation. The most common one I’ve gotten were things along the lines of “You should’ve seen this coming” because he’s played the other Harry Potter games. Yes, I did see this coming. I knew he was going to play Hogwarts Legacy and I warned people that it would likely cause a divide. I never thought it would be this bad, I thought it would just be an argument on the subreddit again or something. If it was just a regular video that didn’t cause this mess I probably wouldn’t have cared as much. Another was “but Kevin played the other ones, does that mean those are bad too?” No, in fact I used to recommend Kevin’s videos to people who still wanted to consume Harry Potter content without supporting a TERF. I was never into HP growing up but I still loved his videos on it. Those games are old and you can’t buy them new anymore, so him buying them isn’t supporting J.K Rowling. It also wasn’t entirely about the fact he played the game, it’s the fact he was paid to promote it to a community that is harmed by Rowling’s actions and it turned his once kind community horribly transphobic and antisemitic. That was the issue. “But don’t you have more important issues to focus on?” I see where you’re coming from with this but do you think we have that kind of power? Also, what group of people are making these anti-trans laws? Definitely not trans people. We are doing what we can to tackle those issues too, trust me. There’s only so much we can do. I guess it only becomes an issue when it slightly inconveniences you. “Why are you so soft?” “You can’t hold onto this forever.” “He apologized so get over it.” If you’re not trans and/or Jewish you don’t get to make those calls. When I say “trans” I am using it as an umbrella term, it affected every non-cis person in the cult too. What happened was absolutely fucking horrible and it’s understandable to why we aren’t quick to forgive Kevin and the community. We had our trust completely broken and it takes a while to heal from that. You wouldn’t be quick to forgive someone either if this happened to you. What someone does is not up to you to decide, if some choose to never forgive him then that’s their choice and we have to respect it. “I wish he would take down the video though.” I do too, but since it’s a sponsored video he likely can’t as he’s bound by a contract. If he breaches the contract he can be sued and he’s not winning that lawsuit from Warner Brothers. A situation like this has happened before where he took a sponsor from Activision/Blizzard while they were being sued for allowing sexual harassment to go on, so I hope this doesn’t become a continuous pattern. Hopefully he learns his lesson this time.  “But people were harassing him!” Where? Fucking where? I mean sure there may have been a few extreme people but all I saw were people expressing their disappointment and getting called slurs for it. The only people being harassed in this were the people who spoke out. I’ve been sent death threats, told to “join the 41%” and purposely misgendered because people thought I was attacking Kevin. Trans rights, until it means your favourite YouTuber gets criticized for enabling transphobia. “It’s not that big of a deal.” How fucking privileged and/or oblivious are you to see all this happen and go “eh, not a big deal”. As ridiculous as this all was, it was a huge deal. Huge enough to damage Kevin’s reputation online and, well, you know the rest.  And these comments weren’t addressed to me but I thought they were funny. Basically people congratulating Kevin for “not going woke”. Like, the existence of his sims and GTA RP series invalidates your entire sentence. You gotta be new to the channel or something or you think Grognak the Destroyer is cis or Jim Pickens is cishet. I also just hate that phrase, woke. 

As we reach the end of this really long thing I originally typed up at 8pm on a Friday night on a Google doc, I wanted to take a moment to thank a few people. It was a horrible situation for everyone and it reminded me that the genuine fans were still out there. Thank you to my friends and partners who supported me and came to fight for me. Thank you to everyone who sent me kind messages and/or left nice comments on my posts and art. It gave me the hope I needed. I hope someday we can restore the cult to what it once was, but it won’t be an overnight process nor will it be the same again. Despite everything, I stayed behind and watched everything happen so I could document it. If the cult was coming to an end I wanted to be there for it. I’m glad it didn’t. If you don’t want to come back then that’s completely understandable. I think we need to follow Jim’s rules more with the first one being “Be kind to everyone.” The cult was the only safe space I had for the longest time as I grew up in an extremely conservative area with an unaccepting family. I also sorta grew up watching CMK as well, I discovered him when I was 14 and I turn 20 later this year. His sims series was my first exposure to queer content and it made me feel so validated because I thought I was the only one who thought it was weird that guys can only like girls and vice versa. I would roleplay as Jim once with other members of the community and realize that being referred to as a man felt right. The community would pay to draw the characters in maid outfits and fund part of my legal transition. They would always come to defend me whenever bullshit happened because a few users got offended by a pride flag or a fursuit. CMK is a pretty big part of my life and I was very heartbroken when all this happened. Still am. I cried so hard I pulled a muscle somehow, that was neat. It’s poetic in a way that I made the last post on the subreddit before this shitshow happened. What happens before a storm? A warning, usually. I was the warning for the upcoming storm. My arrival in the cult was a prophecy. That or it was just a massive coincidence, that is more likely.  - SnowfallWarning/Big Jimbo Pickens

[cinnamons1999]

UPDATE TO THIS POST (TW FOR MENTIONS OF HARD DRUGS, SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL THEMES ON THAT POST)

also this post is QUITE LONG so if youre an "i aint readin all that" person (tbh me fr im just a yapper i cant listen for nothin) then maybe its best not to int w this post, cuz discussion will require you to read the entire thing for you to know what im on about.

TW FOR ( DRAWN AND MENTIONED) SH AND SADLY, MENTIONS OF ROMANTICIZATION OF SH, SUICIDE, DRUGS ETC.

ok so the prev post was about how much i realized menhera-chan was kinda like an inspiration to me, both in my art style and in the way i saw my own mental health. but honestly im way more detached from her now.

i've been clean for a good while since yk, its easier for me to distract myself from punching my own face now that i have wifey around. i honestly just dont think menhera-chan seems to encapsulate what menhera can be for me anymore, and knowing what type of person bisuko ezaki is i just don't feel comfortable knowing i used to look up to that work.

even with my recovery i still am going through therapy and potentially finding a diagnosis at the hospital, meaning i probably still have shit to work thru tho i cant predict the future

and with this i just dont relate to menhera-chan anymore, not just bcuz bisuko is a shit person but bcuz im more stereotypically masculine (obv, shes a girl in a sailor uniform what am i thinking), but bcuz even when some of the menhera-chan comic shorts seem genuine in the way they tackle self harm and mental health, but then i remember he made THIS ONE DRAWING (THIS IS NOT A CALLOUT POST. I HONESTLY JUST FEEL LIKE BRINGING THIS UP)

and apparently?? yamiko no seigi fetishizes girls who do SH, and even when im not a girl it all just feels less genuine bcuz of this. how u sexualizing SH yet still have comic shorts abt how you shouldnt upload your self harm scars bcuz ppl who romanticize SH could get to it.

(this comic short is the one im talking about btw)

it just feels less genuine to me bcuz of this, cuz if you really want to care abt mental health, spread awareness and share your struggle, then why make that shirt? thats just me tbh.

i've started liking the idea of making my own menhera mascot thing (menhera angel, who's kinda like menhera X by diy-menhera-blog in the way that they are completely genderless, also menhera angel is an angel ragdoll creature thing?? meaning they are completely raceless too.)

this image is also in a diff art post of mine.

my mental health has just gotten a bit better but cuz of therapy and school, and the stress of going to a gymnasium soon (yeah, SV system) i honestly just don't think im experiencing mental health struggles in a different way than menhera-chan is shown to be, and in a different way than most people who relate to menhera-chan/momoka sakurai do.

i respect those who are attached to her and can point out that ezaki bisuko is still a shit person but idk,, maybe when i can find community in the menhera space i can find others who are also not as attached to wrist-cut warrior manga like me.

just,, man. im really trying to find community w menhera people and in the menhera sphere so i hope i get welcomed with open arms but idk,,, (cuz a lot of menhera stuff crosses over w/ jirai and landmine and i feel like theyll see me as "too stable." n shit or just wont welcome me at all and will chase me out but thats just my anxiety talking.)

TL;DR: im more detached from menhera-chan's character cuz of bisuko himself and changes in my mental health, and i might find comfort in the menhera sphere if i get welcomed.

[peopledonttalkabout]

033 | CHARACTER ASSASSINATION: August the Delusional [1x03] -- follow to link below to listen!!

(TW: References to classism, suicide, and grief)

Margaret and Anton tackle a discussion of August in Young Royals Season 1, Episode 3. While finding the most understanding they've had yet for why August is the way he is, Margaret points us towards the unavoidable factor of his past trauma, and Anton imagines a younger August's reaction to the environment of Hillerska.

Check out our Instagram ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@peopledonttalkabout⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for all pod-related announcements and updates!

Also, we have a Threads at the ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠same handle⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠! Check out Margaret's shitposts and other random thoughts!!

The theme music for People Don't Talk About... Young Royals is a dynamically-modified version of a selected portion of ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠"The Lowest Place on Earth" by REW<⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠<.⁠

[honeysucklethornsandalligtrhorns]

dear lord. TW for mentions of transphobia and related topics.

My mom told me that she wanted to watch a documentary with me, one that she had been hearing a lot about. She said it featured a man who's name she couldn't remember, going all over the country asking people what a woman was. And shockingly, people were so rude to him! He just wanted to know what a woman was. And apparently it was very controversial. for context, I am closeted and genderfluid, though biologically female.

Hearing this, I assumed it would be something interesting; maybe something about how women are perceived, how the idea of a 'real' or 'proper' woman has changed over the centuries/millennia, maybe a dash here and there about societal norms, social constructs, etc.. I expected maybe a bit about trans women as well- nothing negative, just a discussion on womanhood etc., what they as trans women believed alluded to being a woman, since trans women are women, yet they have a different experience with womanhood from cis women.

The documentary turned out to be "What Is A Woman" by Matt Walsh. I quickly realized that oh, this was going to be NOTHING like what I hoped for. Just from watching the trailer and reading the descriptive language in the summary made it clear that this guy wasn't looking for a deconstruction of gender as a whole. The amount of misgendering in this film was appalling, first of all, and I noticed inconsistencies within how he acted on the documentary and how he appeared on things like Dr. Phil.

In this documentary, throughout most of it he seemed to take on the stance of 'guy trying to ask an innocent question sets off liberals and feminists'. He uses humor and the use of a 'calm and collected' attitude to appear like the bigger, correct person. But he seemed especially aggressive in the clip of the Dr. Phil episode he showed, not a man who 'just wants to know the truth', but a man with strong opinions and no respect for the people he was conversing with- a theme I noticed in the interviews as well.

Obviously, I could go over the many poor comparisons he made, such as 'what if I told you I was a black man' etc.. I could also point out that he seemed oh so confused when he was called an asshole at the women's march, even though he was told several times to go away, he visibly made people uncomfortable, and even brought a megaphone to shout at people.

Instead, I raise a counterpoint; what is a man? And, more importantly, why do you give a shit? And yes, again, I could go on about how in this documentary and in conservative media in general, they're extremely fond of describing puberty blockers as 'pumping our kids full of drugs/hormones'. So he could argue that he cares because of the children. But the fact that there's loads and loads of proof that trans kids who don't get proper care will and have committed self harm/suicide? Heck, looking at the bigger picture outside of gender... if it really was all about the children, wouldn't he also be making documentaries about the hundreds of other ways that kids are being harmed by our society?? School shootings, poor healthcare, poor/no access to mental health services, the rise of mental health issues as a whole, etc..

But nope, it's all about the leftists 'carving up' kids.

I will admit, I still have to do some of my own research on a few topics mentioned, like the bit about John Money etc.. But overall, I gotta say that I was not a fan of this documentary. Bonus- I doubt he got consent from the tiktokers featured in the film to actually use/show their tiktoks.

Anyways, trans women are women, and trans men are men. <3 love y'all, sorry this was so long. i have a lot to say on the topic.

[treatsf]

MANDELA STARS BELOW LORE!!!

Hello! I know that none of my followers have a flying fuck what Stars Below is, other than the stuff relating to it I've reblogged, BUT!! I have an AU that's a crossover of both it and Mandela Catalogue, my main interest A lot of the terms I use here probably won't make sense to someone not aware of the series, so here are some resources! https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFiR8xHGAPZKhnb-PdD-6Gz6pc1CWg4kM&si=zsR-MuiCCJ1MCILw https://toyhou.se/21038090.wip-kraizen-vani-species https://the-forever-ocean.fandom.com/wiki/The_Forever_Ocean_Wiki Now, for the Google doc, explaining the lore of the Main Four Victims (+ other snippets)! This thing will hopefully be updated at least semi-often, but there aren't any guarantees. I'll also copy and paste the information under the cut if one doesn't want to look at the Google Doc. Thank you!

MARK. AKA: VICTIM 1. (Second event chronologically): 

(TW: Vol 1, Suicide, Genocide, Religious Themes)

Mark Christian Heathcliff was always very religious. He lived a relatively normal life, however. Until he… well, one night, while his family was away, he was called to the forest in the middle of the night, where he found… Gabriel. A 50 foot BEHEMOTH of a creature, nothing like Mark had ever seen before. So, naturally, he decided that this was god. Or the devil, he wasn’t quite sure. Though, when it introduced itself as “Gabriel”, Mark decided that it was the former. So, when “God” told him that he was going to help him “rid humans of their suffering”, he was compliant. Even when that involves killing entire cities with giant light beams. If this was what “God” wanted, Mark would comply. He ended up moving to a house near the woods, away from society so that he wasn’t arrested for his crimes.

One day, however, he received… a phone call. From his friend Cesar? Cesar had gone missing a few months prior, so Mark was rightfully confused about what was going on. Though, when the man explained that he needed Mark to come and turn in his security cameras, he was hesitant, but willing after further discussion. Nothing could go wrong, right?

As Mark drove home from the Torres residence, it was quickly apparent that he had been followed. By.. well, “Cesar”, and an entity named N. The two locked him into his room for three days, where he subsequently took his life after enough mental torment. However, he was seemingly… “resurrected” by the powers N possessed, turning into a “Shadow” (a zombie), and securing Gabriel’s spot on earth. Because, by a technicality, Mark was not dead.

TL;DR: “HOLY FUCK IS THAT GOD????!!!!!! oh wait no I’m a zombie now”

-

CESAR. AKA: VICTIM TWO. (First event chronologically):

(TW: Vol 1, Dehumanization)

Cesar Torres was, well… there’s not a lot known about the real Cesar (as well as the majority of victims of the Shadow; it seems preexisting memories of these people from the ones closest to them have all been erased.) All that we’re aware of is that, one night, Cesar went… missing. In reality, he was “kidnapped” by N, who turned him into a “Patient 0” of sorts for N’s power, which is the ability to turn people into zombie-like entities called Shadows, which basically just corrupt someone and turn them into a version of them with their worst traits. For example, someone with anger issues would become volatile after being Shadowed, anger being their main, and only, emotion. At least, if they’re alive when they’re turned, of course; those who are turned after their deaths become your textbook zombie, at least mentally. 

However, Cesar was… different. Unlike a majority of the other Shadows, he maintained some sort of control of himself, even if he was fully turned. He was tasked, at least for a while, of being the “Commander” of the Shadows, considering N’s lack of ability to do that for… a variety of reasons. So, the shadowed part of Cesar did just that; corrupted people into shadows, amassing a large army of soldiers for the Mercy Mission, despite the real Cesar’s constant fight for control. He was even responsible for his best friends death at one point, though he did also bring the man back to life in the same instant. 

Legend says that Cesar is still active today, lurking in the shadows and observing the events unfolding in 2009 with a sharp eye, reporting his findings to his new master and leader, Gabriel. 

TL;DR: Man becomes a zombie shadow thing with a conscience and does Alt!Cesar like things… wuh oh

-

ADAM. AKA: VICTIM THREE. (Third event chronologically):

(TW: Adams Childhood, Vol 2, Vol 4, Catalyst, Presto, Sadism, Genocide, Radiation Poisoning, Death, Gore)

Adam Icarus Murray has always been tied to the Vani in one way or the other. When he was about three or four, both of his parents— Lynn and Jude Murray— were killed by Gabriel in his attack, and instead of being distraught like a normal human would, Adam was fascinated. The idea that any entity had the sheer power to kill thousands of people in the blink of an eye didn’t scare him, no; he was enthralled by it. He felt an inherent connection to these beings, and from then on, he became obsessed. Though, he usually kept this obsession to himself.

That was until one Sarah Heathcliff founded the “Bythorne Vani Society”— or just the Bythorne Vani Club at the time. Adam and Sarah used to go on missions together, but after an unnamed event, Sarah stopped, forcing Adam to find someone else to go on missions with him instead. And the person he chose was his childhood “friend” Jonah Marshall. Jonah had some sort of idea of what happened with Adams parents, so they were somewhat aware of Adams interest, but they didn’t know the pure extent to which it went.

The longer Adam and Jonah stayed in BVS, the deeper Adam dug himself into his obsession. Sure, the blond always had a fascination with the Vani, but never to the extreme he was in. Jonah attempted to pull the man back from the quickly approaching insanity he was digging himself into, but all attempts failed as Adam “came closer to the truth.”

One day, Adam found… a house. A house that had been rumored to be the old residency of one of the old Tethers— Cesar, was his name? Adam wasn’t sure. All he knew is that the house was calling him, and that to not go in was to risk everything. Jonah said the house scared the shit out of them, and they refused to go in, much to the blonds chagrin. Adam stays in the house for three days, Vol 2 argument happens, yadda yadda.

Jonah’s side of the story is for another day, but as for Adam? He finds exactly what he had been looking for all this time. In the basement of that house was a Vani who called itself “Six”, and it wanted Adam to help him. The man, now completely disconnected from reality, says yes, after very minor amounts of pushback. As it turns out, the reason the Vani kill is because of something called the “Mercy Mission”— or the belief that life is suffering, and that the only release from it is death.— Adam instantly believes in this narrative, as well as also… secretly having the innate desire to kill just for the fun of it, just like his Vani.

Each Vani has an Sembla (Element), and Six’s is Radiation. He can manipulate electromagnetic waves, and, well… give people radiation. A lot of the Vani also have certain items, called Amplifiers, which are modified technology from another race called the Omni that help them… kill people. Six’s is this suit that allows its wearer to go through electromagnetic waves, which basically makes it so they can transport through screens and the like.

Adam, after a quick walk with his new Vani to find the van Jonah had crashed, makes it back to his house. Immediately, he makes a video and posts it to the BVS YouTube channel, basically explaining how he had just found a real life Vani, and how all of his research and time spent trying to prove the existence of these beasts has been proven correct. What the viewer didn’t know, however, is that this video was simply a conduit for Adam, with the Amplifier Six gave him, to go through their computer screen and drag them into it, killing them from the amount of radiation after a certain point— vaporizing them, basically.

The first victim of this was Adams own boss, Sarah. However, because of the fact this was his first time, he grabbed her by her arm instead of her shoulders, which allows Sarah to escape with-… major injury in the process. Adam quickly learns from this mistake, however, and very little to no victims have escaped him after this event.

The one set back is that doing this isn’t very healthy for humans, and Adam soon starts getting mutations. At first he gets lumps on his head, which quickly turn to things that look like cat ears. Then, his nose changes to be more animalistic, and he grows whisker-like hairs on his cheeks. Finally, he grows a tail with a hand at the end, which acts almost like another limb entirely. His insanity has also been pushed even farther by the nuclear exposure, and instead of being horrified by these new growths, he is delighted. He is becoming closer to the Vani, is he not?

However, with these “up sides” come… very obvious side effects. He becomes weaker; he feels sick a lot more, and his teeth and bones start to ache and even fall out. Despite this obvious radiation poisoning, he continues. His brain has been altered too much to fully understand what was happening to him, however, and he goes on, despite Six’s minor amounts of protest.

No human body can be subject to the amount of radiation Adam has been subject to and still live, including Adam himself. After a few months of this, his body completely gives up on him. He falls, sitting in front of his nightstand, completely unable to get up. He can feel his bones rotting away and breaking. It’s excruciating. Sores have been appearing on his body, and all he wants to do is pick them until they bleed, but he can’t even move his arms up to do so. He tries to scream for someone to help him, anyone, but the pain is so bad that even so much as opening his mouth is a challenge.

Finally, after days of this torture, Adams jaw… falls clean off his face, along with whatever parts of his throat and esophagus that are left. This, of course, kills the blond, but instead of feeling death as a good thing, he realized how painful it was, how excruciating it was— it wasn’t mercy! He believed so much in the “Mercy Mission” he was told about that, when his death felt like it did the opposite of release him from the “pains of life”, that broke him in some way. It was a lie served up to him on a silver platter that he immediately fell into, and formed part of his identity around. But it was fake. It wasn’t true. And now he was going to die a fraud.

Right before his death, he felt a presence, but he couldn’t tell who or what it was until it was the last thing he saw. But, as he soon realizes, the thing was there to… save him. He was alive again, almost a squid jog as he was killed. He didn’t know whether this was punishment for what he had done— even if he didn’t exactly regret it— or charity work. He was a shadow now, but with one key difference: he could control himself. He had already become the worst parts of himself, so mentally, there was very little change.

Soon enough, Adam is found by someone. By one… Thatcher Davis. He is referred to as “Victim Three”, which angers him: he isn’t a victim! Or, well, he was, but more so because he was victim of being shadowed, and not that he was a “victim of the Vani”, or whatever. After being taken to their base, he was put into questioning, where he was forced to explain what happened and why he did what he did. And, seeing no other option, he did exactly that.

Now, he has been put into captivity by the Main Party, having an agreement with the four that he could stay if he helped them and gave them the relevant information when asked. He doesn’t fully like this agreement, but it was better than becoming “just another Shadow”, so he complies. Even if two of the people he was now put under were his biggest enemies.

TL;DR: Who knew the orphan obsessed with Vani would go on to believe in the Vani's mission and kill people??? Also he’s really radioactive. And dead. Oh wait nvm, he isn’t anymore. And now he’s caged up.

-

JONAH. AKA: VICTIM FOUR. (Fourth event chronologically):

(TW: Vol 2, Toxic Relationships, Kidnapping, Hostage Situations, Drug Addiction, Dehumanization, Torture, Religious Themes, Genocide)

Jonah Edmund Marshall was… well, a normal guy. His mother was turned to Shadow, but other than that, he was largely unaffected by the Vani crisis. However, his best friend, Adam, was… at the complete opposite side of the spectrum, and after a while, invited Jonah to join this society called the “Bythorne Vani Society”, owned by one Sarah Heathcliff. Seeing as one of goals of BVS was to help people affected by the Vani crisis, and Jonah didnt exaclty mind helping people, he joined. Besides; It’d piss off his dad, Mervin, who wanted Jonah to stay as far away from Vani as possible (for mostly selfish reasons), so that was another plus.

The longer Adam and Jonah stayed in BVS, the longer Adam became… obsessed. Sure, Adam always had a fascination with the Vani, but never to this extreme. All of Jonah’s attempts to pull Adam away from his obsession were met with anger and rage, and the more and more Adam dug himself deeper into the hole of his past, the worse and worse Jonah began to feel, both mentally and physically, their jobs taking a hefty toll on the man.

One day, Adam found… a house. A house that had been rumored to be the old residency of one of the old Tethers— Cesar, was his name? Jonah wasn’t sure. All he knew is that the house scared the shit out of him, and he refused to go in. Adam, wanting to check the house out for a few nights, just to find evidence of Vani activity, stays in the house for three days. Queue Vol 2 argument, yadda yadda.

Adams side of the story is for another day, but as for Jonah? Well, he ended up crashing the van into a tree right outside of Mandela County after something had gotten into his radio speakers and began taunting him for “Leaving (Adam) behind.” Jonah fell into a coma, but was quickly found by… Preacher, his tether. This was all an elaborate scheme to trap the two tethers, it seemed.

After a few days, Jonah woke up in some sort of hideout. At first, he’s confused and disoriented, but he soon sees… something… in the corner of his eye. Something with the familiar Green, Blue, Violet, and Red patterning. Realizing what that is, he… freaks the fuck out. Rightfully, of course— he believed he was going to be killed by a Vani, the one thing he had ran away from!

Oh, if only.

Soon, after Jonah fully recovers and his mental state is “stabilized”, they’re forced by the Vani, which calls itself Preacher, to use a staff to go into people’s dreams and suck their life force. As it turns out, Preacher… believes herself to be a disciple of God, and Jonah as one of God's new apostles. She views these killings as “part of God’s plan”, and that Jonah has to be apart of it, whether he likes it or not. And Jonah-… well, Jonah hates it. Despises it, even. But he has no real way of escaping, so he just does as Preacher says.

The one reward Jonah gets from these killings are… Dreams. The dreams that Jonah takes from people are basically like drugs, and heavy ones too. He gets instantly hooked, now not able to leave not just because of the fact he was basically kidnapped and is now held hostage, but because he has gained a crippling addiction to a drug only Preacher can provide. Only death can provide.

However, after months of this torture, something finally… snaps, in Jonah. Maybe a stunning revelation, maybe the guilt stacking up too high, who knows. All we know is that Jonah made a plan. A plan that, in the end, worked. With the end part of Jonah’s staff, made out of a material called Vanium, which can pierce through a Vani’s brand, killing them, Jonah snuck into Preacher’s hiding spot in the middle of the night. Then, without warning, he killed her, and promptly escaped.

Jonah is now being treated for the severe addiction he gained and the countless mental issues the whole ordeal caused, and he ended up joining the “Main Party”, now trying to help them stop the Wisconsin Vani once and for all.

TL;DR: normal man turned monster hunter turned drug addicted killer turned good guy -

Sadly, most of the main cast don't have complete designs, other than Six, Adam, Preacher, and Jonah, So here they are!

[phantom-witch]

Phantom's Finished: Doki Doki Literature Club!+

DISCLAIMER: This is specifically about the Side Stories new to the console release, as that is basically its own game and I am unable to play the base game. Furthermore, it was through my partner @shioripresents so I didn't have to play the base game due to triggers! No Meta/Psychedelic horror triggers but there IS...

TW: Suicide Mention, Self-Hate, Panic Attacks, Anxiety and Depression (brief mention of derealisation but I don't go into it)

A year ago, I would have never imagined playing this game! I had a very bad experience when I was 13 and this game was EVERYWHERE online. As to be honest, I was myself Suicidal at the time (and still struggle with Suicidal thoughts today)

And to be quite honest, I am not too keen on the base game still. I respect the reason others love it, but it triggers my derealisation and suicidal ideation quite easily. So low and behold when I met my to be girlfriend, Shiori! And wow she loved this game and I always had respect for it but wasn't ready for it to be discussed loads. Overtime, we've grown closer and closer the past 9 months (especially the 6 months we've been together) and I felt I wanted something to get closer to my partner and understand her better...

And I can happily say I do.

These side stories are some of the best writing of mental health I've seen since Celeste that it makes me wish this was what the game always was! I genuinely think of this totally differently to the original games' main story, to the point I feel they made this out of respect to those hurt by the popularity of the og game. My only gripe is that you HAVE to play the base game to get these, which my partner luckily already had unlocked

But back to the game in question! This game goes through chapters focused around 2 of the main 4 characters that ties into a theme linked with their mental health. This felt really needed and I love the characterisation of Sayori, Monika, Yuri and Natuski which was really needed. The smile on my face or even the amount of times it was too relatable hit extremely hard! Huge recommendation to experiencing this side story if you can

SPOILERS BEYOND THIS POINT:

This will be going into detail about each characters individually and showing spoiler art from the side stories!

Due to this, there will be a lot more mentions of the TW mentioned at the top so please keep that in mind, look after yourself first! Okay? Okay!

Sayori!

Sayori is the one I easily connected with the most, who is given such a lovely adorable personality that rubs off on everyone around her! When she first meets Monika during the clubs early days, she really helps with everything in the club and shows such enthusiasm and initiative. However, my favourite element of her is the "bad side" of her as she describes...

Sayori has depression, and also has to deal with Suicidal thoughts quite a lot. She hides this as she's afraid of how she will be treated by others and uses poems to represent these thoughts as she otherwise can't

For example:

Monika is the one to discover this (how she handles it I will get to with her section) and Sayori completely breaks in such a realistic way... and is finally able to just talk about her thoughts. How she feels like a burden worrying people, wanting to help others over helping herself, but... also dealing with thoughts she can't control, making her feel she doesn't deserve to be alive. That she should take herself away from the world, and that she would be better off gone...

I know this too well, as I've dealt with Suicidal thoughts myself, I still do. The position Sayori is was where I was a few years ago and I'm still early on to my recovery. I'm okay being honest about that here as to review the mental health I need to talk about my own 💙 Which Sayori's representation hits very close to home in a very realistic way, to the point that she portrays herself as happy and bubbly! Monika supports her so well here and gives Sayori what she needs and we see Sayori be the most vulnerable, completely empty expression and struggling with her mind. I was in tears at this scene because I felt like I finally understood something about myself!

But that's not all! She learns and grows so much in trying to support Yuri and then Natsuki later on. With Yuri, Sayori supports her a lot and we see Sayori really trying her best to help Yuri feel included and really sweetly comforts her and shows how kind and thoughtful Sayori is. With Natsuki she has to learn the opposite! Where she needs to give people space and once she realises, does everything she can to make it right and understand. It's really sweet how determined she is whilst also showing she isn't "better" after the first chapter as she still puts people before her. Even in a chapter not focused on her, she helps Natsuki understand Yuri by talking about how she struggles with her own head...

I love Sayori, she is my favourite and I really appreciate how she represents those with depression and suicidal thoughts well

Yuri!

Moving forward, I won't be as in depth as I have a lot to say on my personal experiences linked to Sayori, so I'll be more concise! Yuri is a very reserved yet passionate character who clearly struggles a lot around other people. She is shown to feel she's being selfish when she really isn't. She struggles interpreting other's feeling and is what I would call extremely Autistic coded! She has a massive breakdown over-worrying about bothering Sayori about her books only for Sayori to comfort her and for Yuri to explain how used to being considered "the weird one" which hit me close to home too. I only recently found the people that cared for what I loved!

There's also how she and Natsuki needs to connect, and Monika tries to help but Yuri feels like she keeps saying the wrong thing...

Monika supports her to help speak in her own way, as Yuri learns how to express herself differently due to her struggles with communication. It's really good as it doesn't have Yuri "fix" herself with how she struggles and instead find alternatives to manage better, which I really like!

I would get into the obvious "Self-Love" chapter, but that requires me to talk a lot about Natsuki, so I'll mention that in her section! Yuri is a really sweet personality that's also completely different from the og game and I find that for the better, as I think her writing was super problematic. She deserves the world and I loved her characterisation

Natsuki!

Going into this, I didn't expect to care at all for Natsuki! She always came off as bitchy or a very... certain anime trope beginning with L in the og game.

Here they surprised me as Natsuki is misjudged by Monika and how she overtime has to set boundaries whilst communicating them healthily with Monica, Sayori and then Yuri. I feel Sayori was important for her to begin learning how to communicate this as Sayori always wishes the best for her friends. But, we see how consistently made fun of Natsuki has been made fun of for her love of Manga

This leads me with what I left out in Yuri's section, the final standard side story "Self-Love". This shows the aftermath of Yuri trying to communicate better, and how Natsuki has been coming to terms with her previous friend group being extremely toxic for her as they don't understand or respect her needs. I heavily felt this story due to how I've been in this situation with friends/friend groups too many times. (if anyone of those people ever read this, no hate, just from my personal perspective and experience) Yuri and Natsuki chill together each lunch and grow closer, as we learn more about Natsuki's group and how Yuri dislikes how they treat her. At first Natsuki dislikes the comment but then realises how bad this group is for her. It scares her, going into how it's "just apart of my life" and how "its hard to just lose that". Eventually, Natsuki decides to cut them off, bringing cupcakes for Yuri as she feels it's the only thing she can do to prove her worth. After Yuri says she doesn't want all of them, Natsuki breaks down after admitting she split up with her group. It's a full on panic attack which I went through too in a similar situation. Yuri realises and all worry shuts off just so she can help Natsuki stabilise herself.

She makes it clear to Natsuki that she doesn't need to serve a purpose to prove her worth to others, and anyone that made you think that doesn't deserve you around. I had to breathe as I was reading this whilst I reflected on some things here, as this was a powerful moment that meant a lot to me, now more than ever. Natsuki was a lot more complexed than I thought firsthand, and represented panic attacks and lack of self worth so well

Monika!

Monika is weird for me, as she is similar to Yuri where she is nothing like the og game, except to an even more extreme. Monika is a lot more human and actually... a character?? See it's so weird to talk about her as I can't help but be baffled by how different it is to have this Monika!

That being said, I really like Monika here! She is super focused on making the club the best it can be, which she learns more about as she meets everyone. Sayori helps her learn about how this club can be help for those to understand their own emotions after supporting Sayori's depression. She fully understands and supports Sayori's needs after discovering a poem clearly hinting towards what Sayori goes through, and comforts her and tells her how much meaning to this world she has without worrying or treating her differently. This in turn also helps Monika grow out of her perfectionism to express her own feelings more over the course of the side stories. Then Natsuki helps her learn past her own biases and be a more considerate and understanding person, even pushing herself to learn the piano. Yuri helps Monika to learn she can't fix everything and has to learn to either step back or approach things differently to support everyone better!

She really cares about making a club for others to feel a place to belong in, and grows so much through the game as it recontextualises the one thing I liked about the og game: "Your Reality" This song, whilst originally meta, was so beautifully contextualised to mean more about one's own heart and using writing and expression to learn more about yourself through the good and the bad times.

"The ink flows down into the dark colours Just move your hand, write the way into your heart"

This side story was everything to me as I was able to spend time with my girlfriend... Thank you Shiori

[darabbitholes]

ocs infopost (last updated 8/15/24)

ok hi my name is spade and you can find my main at @spadefriend. this is my oc blog and even if my main is 15+ i'm putting a 16+ limit here. please do not follow if you are under 16. below the cut you'll find a summary of most of the ocs i'll be posting about here and anything else you need to know.

this also includes a full list of the content warnings for this blog. i'll be tagging all my posts so if the subject matter of any one ocverse is too much for you to handle you can mute those specific tags. i will also be supplying tws for the heavy stuff however; i will be tagging these as "#tw [subject]", or "#tw [subject] mention" if the subject is mentioned but not discussed in depth.

feel free 2 send me asks about any of these guys i love questions :3333333333333333

also read more about these guys on my toyhou.se!

-

the graveyard shift

set in 2011 in the usa's hidden magical underbelly, mostly the town of sonderwood, north dakota. focuses on a massive necromancy-based criminal organization known as the graveyard and the characters who end up wrapped in its decade-old conspiracies in their attempts to either escape it or go further in. current fav <333333 but also heavily in development

main characters:

daniella (she/her): forensic analyst who starts independently investigating the graveyard after a corpse gets stolen from her workplace

vanya (she/her): 10 year old girl & graveyard trainee (THERE ARE GOOD IN-UNIVERSE REASONS FOR THIS) who starts going to a therapist in hopes she can magically fix her anger issues

galen (he/him): the therapist in question & an aspiring poet. absolutely mediocre at his job. has a bunch of other Normal Stuff going on don't even worry about it. current #1 fav <33333333

pyrite (she/her): high-ranking member of the sonderwood branch looking to climb higher in the ranks, has a deal with daniella to give her information on the graveyard

blythe (aka tourmaline) (she/they): member of the sonderwood branch and sibling to its regent/boss, lucian (aka vivianite) (they/them). extremely strained relationship with their sibling.

rattenkönig (he/him): late governor's son and boss of the milstone branch. kindly sad old man :) totally not responsible for half the fucking content warnings [eye twitch] also the tag for this guy is gonna be just rattenkonig without the accent bc i am not copy pasting every single time i write his name sorry chat

donnie (they/them): head of a semi-organization focused on sheltering criminals. decades-long beef with rattenkönig for reasons unknown.

jackrabbit (???, referred to with they/them for the time being): lol

content warnings:

non-sexual/romantic grooming (specifically grooming into criminal activity, eg murder) (occurs to both adult and child parties) (though sexual abuse is not covered in the graveyard shift, and this form of grooming is explicitly non-sexual and non-romantic, grooming utilizes very similar tactics no matter what form it is in. depictions/discussion may still be triggering to people who have undergone sexual or romantic grooming (or any other form). please proceed with caution.)

emotional abuse & manipulation

organizational abuse

familial abuse

child abuse, neglect, abandonment, etc.

victim-blaming (including by wider public audiences. it takes a long time for some victims to get happy endings and others don't get that at all.)

cover-ups of abuse and other violent crimes. there are abusers who get away with their actions for a very very long time and potentially instances of some who never get outed at all.

transphobia (not a running theme but there is at least one instance of this and characters are frequently affected by internalized transphobia)

graphic violence, death, murder, physical assault, etc. (par for the course for a story focused on the mafia)

kidnapping & hostage situations

suicide & suicidal ideation, possibly self-harm (undecided)

unhealthy coping mechanisms

toxic relationships

adoption-related trauma

in-depth depictions of PTSD & other traumagenic disorders

body horror (in relation to re-animated corpses)

additionally, as this story is heavily centric around abuse & cycles of abuse/violence, there will be heavy examination of abusive characters. abusers are not one-dimensional villains and will not be treated as such. depictions of abusers as being complex or having positive traits, or hell even bettering themselves, do not excuse or absolve them from their actions even slightly. some characters who do horrendous things (while, again, not absolved of their actions) will be getting "redemption arcs" as self-improvement & rehabilitation is one of the story's major themes.

-

the death spiral

set after a magical apocalypse that wiped out society, creating a supercontinent where creatures with anomalous abilities called harbingers run amok. the capitalist country at the center of the continent, muezihia, is haunted by an ancient prophecy that speaks of a prophecy hero who will save society by bringing some form of mass collapse or upheaval and, later, rebirth. the only problem: the prophecy keeps repeating no matter how many times it's supposedly fulfilled.

main characters:

kit (she/her): suspiciously early prophecy hero candidate who's spent her life concealing that candidacy in hopes of leading a normal life for a while. i'm sure you can guess how that goes

foxtrot (she/her): another prophecy hero candidate, the first known half-human half-harbinger and raised to be a celebrity from birth

dr. blake (he/him (act I), he/they (act II), he/she/they (act III)): disgruntled scientist at symbiosa, the Definitely Ethical megacorp that studies harbingers & the prophecy

jaidre (he/him): former hero and ceo/overseer of symbiosa cursed to become a huge spider a century ago now hes moping in a cave in an alternate dimension LMFAOOOOO

gwyneth (she/her): most recent hero before kit. ex-symbiosa scientist who supposedly created foxtrot in her awesome hidden lab and mysteriously disappeared

content warnings:

workplace abuse/exploitation (psychological & physical if we're counting murder)

animal abuse/experimentation

body horror/transformation

medical horror

violence, death, murder, etc.

queerphobia (specifically against non-binary & aromantic/asexual characters) (internalized & systemic)

insects & heavy bug theming

child abandonment & mistreatment (possibly emotional abuse; unsure but keep in mind)

imagery around decomposition, rotting, anything in a similar vein

elements of cosmic horror

apocalyptic/post-apocalyptic setting

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nemesis antivirus

this one i am not going to discuss in detail bc the subject matter isnt something id like to cover here 👍 know it's about a 13-year-old girl who downloads a half-cybersecurity edutainment game half-antivirus and realizes her game avatar has become sentient and is up to some shenanigans like being her cool new friend and also murder

main characters:

liz (she/her (during the entire story at least bc there is no way she's not an egg)): the 13-year-old girl in question. horrifically isolated irl and going thru some shit online (aka the place she considers her only safe haven); downloads nemesis antivirus out of desparation

nellie (she/they/it): liz's sentient game avatar who is strangely fine-tuned to be a perfect friend for her. fiercely protective and takes her job as an eliminator of online threats extremely seriously.

content warnings:

again i'm not going to go super in-depth on this bc the subject matter is too heavy but know it's generally about online abuse and contains a lot of deconstruction of revenge fantasies/the idea of revenge and the responsibility that abuse victims may have towards preventing abuse and protecting people like them 👍

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the consumption of lotus institute

super wip but it's about a silly facility full of animal people, the staff who manage the facility and the ai who runs the whole show. again hopefully this is gonna end up a larger universe so not much of an overarching plot yet but the current main story branch is about the aftermath of an incident where adult humans are kidnapped from the surface by rogue staff and fed to the ai to be experimented on.

main characters (for the current story branch):

minerva madigan (she/they): "lead caretaker" of the facility, aka she's the head of the department managing the animal people & their wellbeing. prioritizes keeping the peace & keeping people happy at any cost. she's trying her best but ooooh god girl........

conan (she/her): survivor of the adult experiments; half-grey wolf. reluctantly took the facility's offer to live a life of luxury with them as an apology though she's got a bunch of weird feelings about the handling of the situation that she's pretending aren't there.

pallas (she/her): only other survivor of the adult experiments and minerva's ex before all that shit happened. EXTREMELY pissed at the staff for their poor handling of the whole experiment situation. disappeared into the depths of the facility where the ai inhabits.

the ai (temporary name) (it/its): sentient but non-sapient. this thing is an animals. driven solely by its own curiosities. has to be constantly babysat by the staff

content warnings:

human experimentation (including major complications such as death or being locked in a comatose state)

medical horror

body horror

kidnapping

violence, death, murder, etc etc

mass cover-ups of situations involving the above

-

ok i think that's mostly all of them but i also have some ocs for fandoms and such (mainly warrior cats) that i am going to put here later probably <333

will be updated as time goes on ofc

[shayberri789]

Aftg is my obsession and when you're done reading you won't know what to do with yourself and you will never be free. It's absolutely badshit insane and I went into it blind and almost every other chapter had me eyebrow raising

That said it's also hilarious and has deeply touching moments and tackles themes of consent, healing, revenge and numerous dark topics

It's about a boy on the run from his father, who I'd absolutely OBSESSED with this (made up for the book) sport called Exy (Neil is, not his dad). After neil's mother dies, Neil spends a year undercover in a town in the middle of nowhere and Indulges by joining the exy team to help stave off the grief despair and fear. Turns out he's a little too good and he gets scouted by the last ranked team in first class college exy, the Foxes, who are only last place because they only recruit kids with troubled backgrounds and that means they cannot work together to save their lives. Neil knows its a bad idea, being on television will get him caught and killed, but he loves exy too much to give it and free university up, and figures he can leave the moment he gets too much recognition- by the media, or by Kevin Day, his team mates and childhood friend who might remember Neil.

Neil gets into several fights, pisses off the mafia, becomes one of the best exy players in class 1 exy, makes a deal with a 5 foot nothing goalie with nothing to lose and nothing to live for with a perchent of violence and promises to protect Neil from his past in exchange for keeping Kevin on court. Neil resolves to make the foxes work as a team.

Also, neil's aspec and there's an amazing slowburn romance that's really only a slow burn the second time you read it because Nora sakovic does an EXCELLENT job of (entirely accidentally) writing a love story from the POV of a character who's prioritises aren't romance and never really considers it nor notices it in relation to himself. For someone who didn't know what demi-sexual was while she was writing it, she did a better job handling it than soooo many other authors out there tbh. After she was made aware of demi-sexuality, she said that was neil, but I'd say neil's either demi or fully aromantic too.

Also, there's found family. SO much found family and little dysfunctional people all choosing each other and supporting each other even tho they regularly fistfight. Neil bringing this team together and in the process they strip away the lies and make him a real person again.

. But also check tws. The ones off the top of my head are explicit torture, rape (character walks in on someone), sexual assault (both mentioned and on screen - I think it's just kissing without consent however), CSA/child rape (mentioned and discussed a lot), violence, knife violence, murder, slurs, mention of suicide, drugs, drug abuse (and recovery), mentions of conversion therapy (one character was forced to go as a teenager and talks about it a bit vaguely), alcoholism, etc.

I went in blind and was thusly blinds idea multiple times. But I had fun. On paper I should not have enjoyed the series as much as I did in reality. It's a series of audacity. It's so good and a little bad and very much insane. Let me know if you choose to read it

Alright what’s all for the game

[schweeeppess]

Just a quick tw: gonna discuss some suicidal themes in this, so be careful! Not the action itself at all, just thoughts and feelings related to an attempt.

——

see me

——

Nobody talked about it, he thought, looking at himself in the mirror.

There wasn’t exactly much to say about it, really, and the newbies honestly might not even have known. Unless they’d been very nosy and tried uncovering everything they could about him and his past, they wouldn’t know.

They wouldn’t know why he wore long-sleeves most of the time. Wouldn’t know that he wore makeup whenever he didn't wear them—wouldn’t know why he couldn't stomach bathtubs sometimes, or why Bruce hated blood on his hands and arms, or why Jason didn't like hospital vending machines, or why he hated the nickname "Golden Boy".

Because Dick didn’t talk about the time he’d tried to kill himself.

It wasn't...it wasn't a period of his life he was particularly proud of, obviously. He'd hit the lowest low he could ever possibly reach, and done something he'd never forgive himself for.

And they wouldn't know because Bruce never talked about it, ever, and Jason didn't either. Tim might have known, but just because he was a freaky uber-stalker who knew what Dick's blood-type was before he did. He didn't mention it either, if he did know. Didn't even imply having the slightest idea.

But maybe that was more just a respect thing.

Dick sighed, closing his eyes.

Some days were harder than others.

Some days Dick would wake up with the vertical scars down his forearms burning and with tears pricking in his eyes. Some days he would wake up feeling like his chest was hollowed out, and the sun was dimmer than usual.

Some days he couldn't even bring himself to get out of bed.

Jason was usually there, those days. Or Bruce. Or Roy. Or Donna.

Usually it was Jason, though. He was the closest of the rest of them, and the others had responsibilities to tend to. Not that Dick didn't know that he was more important than any kind of work, but Roy had Lian to take care of, and Bruce had Damian and the others.

Nobody knew that Dick was in a group chat with just Bruce and Jason.

Dick didn't mention it, and neither did Bruce or Jason. They didn't tell anyone it existed, much less that, on the hard days, Dick didn't send a message. They didn't tell anyone that Bruce and Jason made a deal with Dick to send a text every day, first thing when he woke up. They didn't tell anyone that on days Dick didn't send a text, Jason showed up to help him through the day. They didn't tell anyone that sometimes Bruce would show up and hold Dick together in his arms while he broke down in agonized tears against Bruce's chest. They didn't tell anyone that Dick needed help being coaxed out of bed, or to be guided to eat.

They didn't tell anyone, but for different reasons.

Dick didn't tell anyone because he was ashamed of himself and what he'd done.

Bruce didn't tell anyone because he was ashamed of himself and what he hadn't done.

Jason didn't tell anyone because he vividly remembered that night, and he remembered how scared he'd been.

Dick thought that, maybe they should tell the rest of their "family". Maybe he should come forward about the part of his past he regretted the most. Maybe he should just get it out there that he'd...

That he'd tried to kill himself.

But he hated just thinking those words.

He hated thinking any of the words used to reference the action.

There were so many ways to say it indirectly. "Attempted" or "tried to quit" or "reached a limit". Then there was the direct way of just "I attempted suicide". And he hated each and every single one of those phrases.

Long-sleeves were a must of Dick's wardrobe. Or a hoodie. Or a sweatshirt. Anything with sleeves that covered his arms. He didn't like leaving the scars exposed to the public eye for scrutinization, and he didn't like leaving the scars exposed to the rag-tag group that was the "Batfamily". Just the thought of it made his skin crawl in discomfort and he shuddered, gripping the sink a little firmer.

He hoped that one day, he'd reach a point of recovery that he'd be able to be open about his suicide attempt, and maybe his story would be able to help some of his friends and family.

Yet, at the same time, he also hoped he didn't. But that was just because present-him was so uncomfortable with the thought of telling anyone.

Dick sighed, moving a hand to rub his eyelids.

After he'd attempted, he'd been forced to accept the consequences that followed the attempt. The pain that flared up his arms post-hospital release. The guilt-driven depression that hit like a solid brick wall. The loss of muscle definition in his arms. The inability to look at a bathtub for months. The inability to look at blood for over a year.

The inability to go a day without a reminder of what he'd done.

Some days he hated his scars so much he considered asking to amputate his forearms. But that would leave him with prosthetics, and still be a reminder of why he'd wanted his arms gone in the first place, and he would be back at square one after yet another stupid decision.

But he knew that, at the time, it hadn't been a stupid decision. It'd been a desperate decision. And he knew that he couldn't put himself down for what he'd done, because nobody likes hitting that low, and nobody wants to. Nobody wants to be in that much pain, nobody wants to be in that much suffering.

He knew that.

And he tried remembering that.

Every day he tried to remember to understand his past self instead of hate him. Every day he tried to show compassion towards himself the way he did for others. Every single day he did his very best to take steps towards forgiving himself for what he'd done.

Some days he managed to take a good step towards it. Other days he didn't. And yet other days he took a few steps back from it.

And he reminded himself that it's okay, because he was still trying, and he wanted to get better. He never, ever, ever wanted to be in that position again.

So he did everything he could possibly do to prevent it.

He went to therapy. Bruce went to therapy. Jason went to therapy on and off.

Dick hated being the reason Jason and Bruce went to therapy every day, but...at the same time, he was relieved that they went through with it. He was relieved that they took the time to do it. Not just because it was a sign that they loved him and wanted to do everything they could to support him, but because they deserved to heal from their pasts, too.

He put his hand back on the sink and looked at himself in the mirror again.

"One day," he said, looking into his own eyes reflected at him. "One day, I'll be able to forgive you. One day, I'll be able to love you. Because you deserve to feel the love and understanding and support you craved before you hi—....tried to kill yourself."

Taking a shaky, watery breath, he closed his eyes and tilted his face down.

"You deserve to love yourself and be given a chance to live happily, even with your scars."

[killemwithkawaii]

Announcement: Goretober2022 💌🔪💘

[EDIT 10/19/22:

-A few minor edits were done to posts to correct errors and add missed tags. Thank you for pointing those out to me, anon! 🤗💖

-'tw corpse' has been added to the tag list and will be used from this date forward ]

Hello, my darling kouhai! 💕

Spooky season is just around the corner, which means it’s almost time for all the fresh new kouhai to find out that I don’t call myself “Killemwithkawaii’ for nothing…~ >:3c

I will once again be participating in Goretober this year. This is your official heads-up about the change in content: 

The majority of content posted on this blog during October will depict graphic, violent, disturbing and/or grotesque situations. I won’t be posting any screamers or jump-scares and will be tagging things appropriately, but only very long posts will be put under a ‘read-more,’ so please look through the blog at your own discretion. I WILL NOT BE OFFENDED IF YOU UNFOLLOW OR EVEN BLOCK ME TO AVOID TRIGGERING CONTENT!! I know many of you follow my blog to find a distraction, and I completely understand if you need to skip all of this stuff for your own mental well-being.

Disclaimer: All my content is a work of fiction. For any of my followers who may become concerned for my mental health or physical safety during this time, please rest assured that I am in no way a danger to myself or others and am not encouraging the actions depicted. The events that will take place on this blog during October are all in good fun, so please rest assured that your Senpai is safe and sound! ^^

The following is information about the event and a list of trigger warnings (in alphabetical order) for things I might be posting about during this event, though triggering content not included on this list may appear and tags will be added accordingly. All of my goretober art will be tagged as #goretober2022 and all event-related posts will be tagged as #the staycation 🏡💙. Please block any of these tags that may trigger you, and let me know if you see I’ve missed a tag or if you would like to request a tag to be added to the list. (all tags will begin with ‘tw’):

-Abuse

-Animal death 

-Blood

-Body horror

-Bondage

-Cannibalism

-CNC (Consensual Non Consent- any scenarios with this will have a lot of mentions of it being pretend, having a safe word, previous discussion of limits, the participants having fun, the dom checking in, etc. ex: two willing participants acting out a kidnapping, roleplaying being hunted down by a 'slasher’, etc)

-Corpse

-Death (including homicide, suicide, accidents, natural death, etc)

-Degradation 

-Disembowelment

-Dismemberment

-Disordered eating

-Drug use (including tobacco, alcohol, marijuana, sedatives, psychedelics and hard drugs, implied or explicitly used)

-Dubcon

-Eye trauma

-Gaslighting

-Impalement

-Injury (major and minor)

-Kidnapping

-Mental illness

-Necrophilia

-Needles

-Organs

-Police violence

-Religious sacrilege

-Self-harm

-Somnophilia

-Stalking

-Suicide

-Surgery (major and minor)

-Teratophilia

-Torture (Physical, emotional and mental)

-Unreality (feeling you are unreal or doubting the truth of reality, trouble with memories, mentions of multiple realities or universes, etc.)

-Unsanitary (bodily fluids, unwashed hands, dirty environments and generally not-clean things… just anything that might be considered kind of gross)

-Violence

-Vomit

-Weapon (including knives, guns, improvised weapons, etc.)

-Yandere (Generally unhealthy behavior toward a love-interest. These posts may contain dubcon and other more extreme yandere themes I don’t usually post about)

🍴💌🍴💌🍴💌🍴💌🍴💌🍴💌

>Thank you in advance for your participation! My goretober events wouldn't be a fraction of what they are/were without you guys sending in asks and helping to build the story, and I'm so grateful that you take the time to do it!!! I hope this year will be even more fun and entertaining for all of us (I've been working hard to make it happen)! 🤗💖💖💖 (note: due to the time restriction of the event, it is likely that not all asks that are sent in will be answered)

>If you enjoy my content and would like to treat me to a little something, you can support my redbubble shop or buy me a ko-fi here c:

>If you’d like to catch up on my previous goretober events (i.e. the ongoing 'Meet The Fishers' AU), please go to my archive and read the posts in order during the following dates (relevant posts will be tagged with the event title):

October 1st-December 1st 2020- 'Kewks Kidnapping' and 'Sally Stays'

October 1st-November 1st 2021- 'The Do-Over'

Please note: All previous events are 99% improvisational (so please excuse the plot holes lol) and may not reflect my current writing style. Some posts have been edited for continuity. 

Thank you so much for reading! I hope you’re forward to having some 'killin’ with your 'kawaii’ very, very soon~