#tw discussion of child abuse

[frownyalfred]

What if bruce had an abusive childhood ( i love thomas and martha but WHAT IF) and the batkids and clark just find out

I actually have lots of thoughts about this, anon. Not abusive in the sense of like, really overt hidden physical abuse, but the abusive-adjacent childhood of someone growing up into a ultra-wealthy family and all of the emotional distance and insane boundary crossing that happens in those kinds of situations.

Some initial thoughts (not that this is canon or even something I hc, but still pop up in my mind):

Distant parents (Bruce never saw them, except for when they were going to events together)

Bruce was raised by nannies and Alfred (first steps, diapers changed, fed and bathed, etc only by servants)

Strict behavioral expectations even in early childhood (language and music lessons, various etiquette courses for dinners, events, etc. Sitting still for long periods of time without moving or speaking)

Being ignored and/or referred to but not allowed to speak. Paraded out for events as a toy, essentially.

Missing out on childhood experiences like playing outside, getting dirty, playing with other children.

Being sent away from home at an early age to various boarding and preparatory schools, year-round.

The pathway to college, a job, a career was purchased for Bruce before he was even born, and there is no room to deviate from that path.

Punished for normal reactions (getting clothes dirty, making a mistake with cutlery, forgetting to ask permission for something)

Approval from his parents, when he does see them, is contingent upon how he performs for them while they are in public.

An absolute lack of almost any physical contact/affection.

If this was Bruce's childhood (I'm glad it wasn't in canon, it sounds awful) then his parents' deaths must be such a mindfuck. Because those memories are so tainted by his childhood upbringing, but at the same time -- were they good people? Beloved by the public? Was the show they put on in public convincing enough for people not to peek behind the curtain? Did Gotham society treat all ultra-wealthy children like this? Were the Waynes special because of their status?

How did Alfred feel about seeing this happen? Was there an awful feeling of relief when Martha and Thomas died, and he became Bruce's custodian? Maybe he snuck Bruce hugs over the years, here and there -- small cookies or permission to run outside once or twice.

Now, there are far fewer rules. But the damage from those rules is hard to undo, even at such a young age. And the first time Bruce asks him for a hug is the day that nearly breaks Alfred.

[teapetal44]

TW: ABUSE, CHILD ABUSE

“He wants to air this dirty laundry to the world does he…? Dabi, you fiend…you’ve been waiting for this moment…when they couldn’t prevent mass destruction…and faith in heroes is wavering.” - chapter 292

I truly, wholeheartedly, believe that MHA as a story upholds the myth of the perfect victim. I do not want to discuss if Horikoshi did that on purpose, or subconsciously because of inner bias – I find no meaning in doing so. For me the execution of an idea, in the grand scheme of the narrative, holds more value than the intention of the author. I’ve also had my fair share of people infantilizing Asian authors in the anime community for their poor writing decisions for one lifetime. It’s patronizing to both the author and the people reading it. Whether or not Horikoshi intended for his themes of abuse to paint the picture they did does not matter, because that’s how it reads as.

MHA puts victims of abuse in narrow boxes and softly dictates what’s an acceptable reaction to said abuse. Victims are continuously walking a tightrope between being deserving of compassion and sympathy and being unredeemable monsters who are too far gone and are only good for martyrdom after being put down.  

Eri fits the clean cut depiction of abuse victims that media usually gears towards. She is untouched by the cruelty around her - she preserves her innocence and kindness. She isn't assertive, but rather meek and passive. She doesn't fight back with force. And when offered help, she is receptive to it. That is not to say that Eri's depiction doesn't have a place in fiction, or that her portrayal can't be representative of the experiences of some - as we all deal with trauma and the inhumanity people throw at us differently. We see the same thing in the portrayal of Fuyumi, who shares many of the qualities discussed above. The same thing applies to her - i personally love the idea of all the siblings having different reaction to their childhood trauma and abuse. It shows that victims are not some type of monolith.

But the narrative treats the "forgiving" or "receptive to help/support" victims of abuse with more grace and with much more kindness. if you are willing to forgive, or the very least be quietly tolerant, the story grants you a happy ending. Forgiveness isn't a bad thing, it is an individual choice - but an abuse victim shouldn't have to do it for them to have a happy ending.

In a vacuum Eri and Fuyumi's character arcs and depictions of abuse are good but it becomes a problem when that's the only experience and type of victim we ever hold in high value or recognize as valid and deserving of compassion. Which the story reinforces.

Touya and Tenko's backstories aren't pretty nor comfortable or easy to sit through. Their responses to abuse aren't either. Reactive abuse is very much real.

[the-thirteenth-prime]

A slightly unhinged ramble-rant on Chairman Rose and how people are missing the entire point of SWSH.

Like, I keep seeing it pop up--like a fucking rank smell you only detect if you’re in a certain place when the wind is blowing in the certain direction--but man does it not bewilder me. Like, these guys who post tags like ‘Chairman Rose is a bad guy but is not a BAD guy’ or ‘I kind of agreed with Chairman Rose’ are just. Are you high?? Did you entirely miss the point of his character?? Did you completely miss the main plot of SWSH?

I’m going to be talking about some heavy shit (including non-sexual child grooming and non-sexual child predation), so I’m gonna put the rest under a read more, let me just say that the theme of SWSH is the relationship between adults and children on their Pokemon journeys, the responsibilities adults have towards children, and what happens when that relationship is abused.

First off, before I get some know-it-all coming at me about how there’s no evidence that Rose is a child predator or a groomer, let me just say there is. Is he a Chris Hansen ‘take a seat for me’ groomer?? No, he’s not, because child grooming is not purely a sexual thing.

Per a very informative article:

“Grooming can be sexual, romantic, financial or for criminal or terrorism purposes, and can target both children and adults. The common aspect is that a perpetrator manipulates a victim by building trust and rapport. The key to grooming is a power dynamic within the relationship: age, gender, physical strength, economic status or another factor.”

Now, with that out of the way, I’m not going to go into shit that’s super obvious to anyone with eyes, but Rose is a serial child groomer. Like, his most obvious victim is Leon, and it’s really wild that people can’t see it?? Like, Leon obviously comes from a fucked-up home situation with a mother who’s absent and neglectful at best (and the people who don’t seem to realize this REALLY confuse me). Like, he has canonically raised his little brother in a house with three adults that could have done the job for him, and the anime literally stated that he was so busy raising Hop and taking care of household chores that he could barely interact with other kids. He was endorsed by Chairman Rose at an age that is implied to be at least two years younger than the average Gym Challenger, and--per the sub of the PokeAni--Rose literally raised him from the moment he became Champion.

(Where was Leon and Hop’s mother during this, you ask? Obviously being terrible at home, since despite Leon being run ragged for all of his life and rarely being home, he still somehow raised his little brother. Let that sink in.)

So Leon has spent his entire life being moulded into Rose’s delusion of the Hero of Galar for the sole purpose of sacrificing himself to defeat Eternatus to stave off an energy crisis that will happen in a millennium and probably would be averted with solar power. THE SUB IN THE POKEANI LITEARLLY HAS ROSE TELLING LEON THAT HE HAS GROOMED HIM FOR THE EXACT PURPOSE OF TAMING ETERNATUS. I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP. I WILL PROVIDE SCREENSHOTS IF ASKED.

Does he know Leon may likely fucking die in the attempt? He sure does, because he’s already started to work on grooming Leon’s replacements! In the game, Bede is a trainer who came from a neglectful home situation who was noticed by the Chairman and given his endorsement for the Gym Challenge wait hold on that sounds really familiar.

Really, REALLY familiar.

Rose’s ploy with taking away Bede’s gym challenger endorsement after Bede literally did what he asked him to was a clear manipulation tactic, and if it hadn’t been for Opal intervening (and she ABSOLUTELY has Rose’s number and you can’t convince me otherwise), the tactic likely would have worked, because Bede would have done anything to get his endorsement back.

(Also Oleana is absolutely the fall girl set up to look like an obstructive villain while Rose can maintain his veneer of innocence. That’s a topic for another day tho.)

AND THEN. in the anime, he flat out tries to do this with Ash. AND IN THE GAME, HE TRIES TO DO THIS WITH THE MC, LIKE BEDE IS HIS PLAN B AND THE PC IS HIS PLAN C. However, the only child Rose has regular chances to interact with who DOES NOT get the manipulation treatment is Hop. Correct me if I’m wrong, but the Chairman always tries to pull shit with you when Hop isn’t around, and the two times he DOES interact with Hop are at the very end of the game where Leon’s been forced into trying to stop the apocalypse and after the Opening Ceremony.

What’s different about the Opening Ceremony, though? LEON IS STANDING RIGHT OVER ROSE’S SHOULDER SMILING STEPFORDLY. Which brings me to my next point: why Rose pulls his end game bullshit.

Leon is now in his early 20s, so he has obviously started to ask for his own agency and say no to things. He has also obviously realized that he does NOT want Rose around his brother, which is why he is fucking looming over Rose’s shoulder when he meets Hop and why Rose almost seems to deliberately avoid Hop for the rest of the game. Rose knows that if he so much as messes with Hop, Leon is going to absolutely turn on him, and he’s already become obstinate enough to be a problem. Rose is losing control of Leon, which is why he’s grooming his potential replacements.

It’s also why Rose LITERALLY HOLDS LEON HOSTAGE IN A TOWER. Like, I am amazed that people haven’t seemed to realize that Hop and the MC were ABSOLUTELY rescuing Leon from a hostage situation. Leon had been on top of the tower with Rose for HOURS at that point, and given Oleana’s personal fucking army and how much Leon clearly did not want to be up there, it’s obvious that there wasn’t a way he could easily extricate himself from the situation. What you do hear from his meeting with Rose sounds a lot like a guy trying to say no while also trying to de-escalate a volatile situation: almost like a victim to their abuser oh wait.

(Oleana also says that the reason she wants to defeat you and Hop is to break Leon’s spirit so he won’t have the strength to say no to the Chairman anymore. Like, that’s literally in game. It’s dialogue.)

So yeah. You’re rescuing a prince from a tower who’s being held hostage by an evil king trying to use the prince’s special power for nefarious purposes. This game is full of fairy tale metaphors. Like, a ton.

When you and Hop show up, you basically force Rose to let Leon go so as to not look like a complete fucking monster or cause a scandal, and Leon basically very politely tells Rose to ‘fuck off’ when he leaves.

So Rose--this narcissistic, megalomaniacal child groomer, who’s basically been shut down by the lynch pin of his plan--does the absolute most rational thing and RELEASES THE APOCALYPSE DEMON OUT OF SPITE. He literally says on a screen in front of Galar that oh no, his releasing Eternatus and causing the Second Darkest Day is actually all LEON’S fault for being so unreasonable and unrealistic. It’s manipulation. It’s emotional abuse. It’s Rose punishing his victim for saying no. It’s Rose throwing a tantrum because Leon told him to wait another week before doing something about something that would happen in a millennium.

Bede made a fool of Rose doing exactly what Rose and Oleana wanted him to do, so he punished him. Leon said no, so he punished him, and punished all of Galar while he was at it. He’s not doing shit for the good of Galar. He’s doing it for himself.

See, the game’s story exists to debate the relationship between adults and children in the Pokemon world. For generation after generation of games, children as young as ten have gone out in the big wide world with nothing but their starter and a Pokedex, and the adults they have met have never had any poor intentions towards them specifically. Yes, there’s all the evil teams and blah blah blah, but they weren’t targeting you, the child MC. You were just caught up in their messes. SWSH is the first game to show that no, there are adults who will try to take advantage of you because you are a child, and there are good adults who will try to protect you.

Opal protects Bede. Leon protects you and Hop. Leon has obviously gotten old enough to realize that what Rose did to him was wrong, and he tries so fucking hard through the whole game to protect you and his little brother from his boss’s machinations and all the bad shit happening in the world. I know people bitch about being ‘railroaded’ and not allowed to participate in the ‘plot’ until the end, but that’s the point. The good adults are trying to protect the children from the bad adults trying to harm them, and the children intervene only when the adults die trying to save them. Children should be allowed to adventures and have fun, but they should also be protected and shielded from shit that can harm them and shit they’re not old enough to understand, and this game--for better or for worse--is trying to strike that balance.

One last, very important thing. Leon’s life had been micromanaged and controlled from the moment he became Champion by Chairman Rose. He had to become all things to Galar--its fucking policeman, it’s regional hero, it’s unbeatable symbol of perfection, it’s hero, and--almost--its messiah--and when the MC becomes a Champion? He doesn’t hesitate to become Chairman, and he tells you--the new Champion--that your job is to explore and have fun. He doesn’t ask you to do sponsorship deals. He lets you do matches and tournaments at your own leisure. He calls you politely to ask if you want to do the Galarian Star Tournament. He doesn’t even know your PHONE NUMBER and I think about that a lot.

The game is about the responsibilities adults have towards children. It’s about how you don’t have to be the main character to be the hero. It’s about how you can’t and shouldn’t do everything alone. It’s about how child predation and abuse don’t have to be obvious or ‘traditional’ to be real and a threat. Finally, as Leon demonstrates so poignantly, it’s about breaking the cycle of abuse.

And THAT’S why SWSH is one of the best stories--if not THE best--that the Pokegames have ever told, regardless of its faults and the National Dex and a berry tree looking a little weird.

[0809sysblings]

Amane, indoctrination, and gaslighting

and why voting Amane innocent would be the best course of action

I've been wanting to write a big post on Amane talking about indoctrination and such. Because I see takes sometimes that make it clear the person doesn't really... Get It.

Most of what I'll be explaining comes from my personal experiences growing up.

Additionally, most of what I say when it comes to outcomes (i.e. "If x happens, Amane will do y") will be based on the assumption that realism, not entertainment, is prioritized in the writing and that there are no major holes in our knowledge of what's going on. Theoretically anything could happen since this is a fictional scenario and we don't know everything when it comes to the world, the cases, and the characters. Not to mention my situation was nowhere near as extreme as hers. So although I probably have a better understanding of it than most people, I definitely can't claim that I know what she's gone through.

Personal anecdotes I add to better support my points will be in the small font (this!) since I don't want them to distract from the main text and so that they can be easily skipped for those who may be worried about being triggered. But if anyone needs plain text descriptions, I'll happily provide them!

!! TW for child abuse, religious abuse, and cults !!

I recommend skipping my personal anecdotes if more detailed discussions about these topics are a trigger for you.

At the heart of "good" (read: successful) indoctrination is gaslighting.

Since gaslighting has been one of the many psychology terms completely watered down and distorted by the internet, I will define it just so we're all on the same page!

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation used to make the victim question their own sanity, sense of reality, or power of reasoning.

Basically, you can't trust yourself. You can't trust your thoughts, your feelings, your interpretations, etc. You become completely reliant on other people (usually specific people who are the ones doing the gaslighting) to figure out what's real/true or not.

Toxic/extremist religious groups like to take gaslighting a step further though. Not only do they make it so you cannot trust yourself to judge what is right or not, they may also teach you that what feels wrong is actually right. You can see where this can start to cause some issues lol.

Anything your gut may tell you that contradicts what the group/cult leaders tell you—"this is wrong!", "this is bad!", "I don't want to do this..."—must be ignored. Because those feelings and thoughts, according to the leaders, are actually the sinful part of you trying to lead the good and faithful part of you astray. They make you question yourself to make sure you never question them.

They will figuratively or literally beat this into you until your first instinct is no longer to listen to your gut and do what it says, but to dismiss it and do what it's telling you not to do. Existing becomes a chronic power struggle between your unconscious mind and your conscious mind. Unfortunately, the fact that you're struggling often then gets used against you as proof that you need to follow their teachings. Because if you're unhappy, then you must be doing something wrong. You just need to have a little more faith, dedicate a little more time to the religion/group, go a little harder into your duties... Only then will you feel better—feel more enlightened.

An integral part in making all this work is isolation. If you don't somehow isolate the members, they may figure out that they're being manipulated and abused.

Now, isolation doesn't always mean purely physical isolation (though Amane is being isolated physically to at least some capacity). Psychological isolation is almost just as powerful. An almost universal psychological isolation tactic used by extremist groups and cults is the "Us vs Them" mentality. We can see this being very prominent with Amane. A lot of things she talks about with regard to the cult involves an Us-vs-Them dynamic. There is "Us", the cult, and "Them", everyone else.

Personally, we were taught that those who weren't believers of our religion were out to get us or will, at the very least, get us hurt/killed somehow. We were told many people wanted us dead just for being believers. You had to be careful and watch out when interacting with non-believers; you couldn't trust them. God was constantly testing you via others, and you had to make sure you stayed faithful.

This in particular is why no matter if you vote guilty or innocent, that itself will not actually do anything to change her beliefs. Voting her guilty will not make her start to feel bad and then question her beliefs. Voting her innocent will not make her listen to us and then question her beliefs. If we make her have any doubt about the cult, that's just proof to her that what we're telling her is wrong and is just another "trial" from God for her to overcome. So, changing her beliefs should not be a factor considered when voting since it's completely irrelevant. Everything can be twisted to support the cult. That's just how it works.

I don't think any amount of punishment will make Amane "come to her senses". I mean... what could we possibly do to her that she hasn't already had to endure? Punishment will likely only escalate things even more. Not to mention that having a bit of a fascination with martyrdom isn't all that uncommon in those who have been religiously abused and indoctrinated. The threat of punishment may only serve to motivate her to double down on her beliefs and behavior. Not to say she wants and likes punishment. It's obvious she's both scared of punishment and wants it to stop. After all, that's most likely the motive behind the murder.

Even prior to Amane's age, I was already fantasizing about being a martyr. A part of me almost wanted to be killed for my religion and community. It was seen as something extremely admirable. The ultimate sacrifice, if you will. We were taught that if given the choice between saving yourself by denying your faith or letting yourself be hurt/killed by standing your ground, you should choose the latter. Of course, I also did not want that to happen at all. It scared me shitless. But we weren't allowed to be scared about that stuff. It was seen as questioning God and the religious authorities, which was completely taboo. So I had no choice but to "want" it.

Isolating Amane is the worst possible thing we could do to her. No one gets better from being isolated, and this goes double for people living in abusive environments. She's been isolated her whole life. The best thing for her would be spending time with the other prisoners without restrictions. The more time she spends around people who have no connection to the cult, the better. Trying to argue with those in cults about why they're wrong and why they are in a cult (because most don't even recognize they're in a cult due to the gaslighting, indoctrination, and stigma) will almost always backfire. The best thing to do is to just be there for them to have someone to interact with who is not a cult member.

The only reason I left the extremist religious community I grew up in was because I made a friend who was not affiliated with it. I don't think I would've been able to see that the conditions I was living in were Not Very Good without that friend. He didn't even really do anything to actively help me. Just learning more about the real world through him was enough to make me start looking closer at my life.

To vote her guilty would be to continue isolating her. Not just physically as the guilty prisoners get restrictions put on them, but it's also an inescapable psychological isolation. Innocent vs Guilty is just another Us vs Them dynamic.

I fear that, if she ends up guilty this trial, she will likely be voted guilty again in trial 3. Her aggression will probably only escalate as she feels herself becoming more and more cornered. And since I know many people are voting her guilty solely to make sure she doesn't hurt Shidou or other prisoners, I can only imagine what the voting will look like for her in trial 3 once she's forced to become even more aggressive to protect herself.

And tbh... I can't imagine that having a prisoner with 3 guilty verdicts will make for all that interesting of a story for them. Not that it would be boring, per se. But having variety would, in my opinion, be the most interesting and entertaining! So, if nothing else I've said has been able to sway those who vote her guilty, then think about the entertainment factor!

Please vote this severely traumatized 12 y/o girl innocent. We can give her so many secret cakes to eat.

[fiendishfyre]

One popular fanon hc (cw child abuse) I greatly dislike is that Walburga (and sometimes Orion) used the cruciatus curse on Sirius (and sometimes Regulus). A curse so screwed up, it drives people to insanity. And yet...Sirius is sane. In fact he went to prison notorious for making one lose their mind and yet he still is sane..... Not saying for people to not use it but it's not sufficiently backable given what we know of in canon. So it does fall into fanon/extreme headcanon and a sirius having experienced that would be ooc (out of character) because it would scar him immensely.

Some think it's canon. (Funny how they use that from supposed canon yet dismiss everything else and act as if marauders fandom was build from nothing....) but it's not. (I also have a whole opinion on Black family using curses in general to punish their kids but that's separate.)

[yurious-george]

4'33'', by John Cage, is commonly remembered as 4 and a half minutes of silence. But contrary to popular belief, the song is not actually meant to be the sound of silence, but the sound of quiet. Ambient noises contribute to - and consist of - the performance. True silence does not exist. If one tilts their head right, the whole world sings. and, with that said, a playlist.

yeah, this one's a doozy. hi, cubewatermelon and co. miss me?

rhetorical question. don't answer that.

A few nitty-gritty things out of the way, first. this is specifically intended for the 2018 mod team for the sleepless domain fans discord server, primarily cubewatermelon/mary cagle. Folks who knew me are welcome to look on, but I'm not going to do much to catch people up to speed. hi, everyone! hope you're well!

I also might be a bit disjointed or biased in my recollection. For reasons that will be made clear extremely soon, I can't put my childhood on a linear timeline. I can only express myself, and hope I don't mess it up horribly this time.

Noooowww to the big stuff. re: stalking; i genuinely didn't mean to stalk anyone, and when they told me to back off, i backed off. I am not willing to discuss this further. not being able to conceptualize other people's emotions or the consequences of my actions has caused some problems for me

that's an autism thing btw. im autistic i dont think i told anyone that

And now, the special guest you've all been waiting for: a big round of applause for the elephant in the room! In accordance with the WMA Declaration of Tokyo, the deliberate overprescription of psychotropic medication is a form of pharmacological torture. Most victims of pharmacological torture and experimentation are children, because it is nigh-impossible to sue for brain damage when there is no fully-formed adult brain for comparison prior to the abuse.

Torture is a strong word, but I don't have another word to use. psychiatric abuse usually describes mistreatment in psychiatric wards; pharmacological abuse describes a patient who takes advantage of a prescription; medical abuse is when a doctor (usually physically) abuses their patient. Being able to understand what happened to you is a form of agency, and I don't even have the words. I identify as a torture victim; this may change.

This high dose was precedented and legal, but the vaginal stretching of intersex infants is also legal. much involuntary psychiatric & psychotropic treatment (such as restraints and solitary confinement) are legal, and child marriage is legal. abuse is not abnormal: it is profoundly normal. Because something is normal, legal, and precedented does not prevent it from being torture.

and when your mother hands you a poison apple and says "here, eat this; it will be good for you; i hope someday you'll forgive me" you have to eat it, because you are eight years old and you don't get to argue with your mother. despite all this, I don't blame my aunt for refilling the high dose. when I said the dose was hurting me, she listened. (thank you, auntie. i wouldn't have gotten out without you.)

And this brings us to you. oh, you four. (five? i forget myself!)

I'd like to establish some context. I was used to things getting taken from me. friend groups in particular: I didn't expect to keep any friends, because I constantly expected to have to pack up and move on. I moved a lot in my childhood, and in Africa, i was constantly told that at some undetermined point in the near future, i'd have to go back to the states. living with my aunt was a temporary thing, i was expected to eventually move back in with my parents at some undetermined point in the future. I relied heavily on online friends because they were people I could have anywhere, so online communities were my only lifeline - not to mention, i was basically in solitary confinement while in Kenya.

Most of all, I was terrified of my mental health/actions being exposed, examined, found lacking, and ultimately excluded. (this is why i was so afraid of psychiatric wards.) When you decided something had to be done about me - cutting me off from the server so i had to speak with you - It was either comply with your demands to communicate (which I could not, and did not understand why) or lose the community. I was so, so afraid of you i wanted to die when you all confronted me, and of course i couldn't say that, because only manipulative people would say "your attempt to solve this problem makes me want to seriously hurt myself."

But then I got called manipulative anyway <3 yay <3

Seriously: I wasn't trying to manipulate anyone, and i have no idea how you can manipulate someone without intention. (ah, that felt good to say!) Between medication spellbinding, alexithymia, and prior abuse, all my thoughts were so disordered i genuinely couldn't explain myself most of the time. Looking back, I have no childhood memory where I was fully lucid. I leaned into a manic persona because it was the only way I had any agency at all. I was something beyond both reason and self-recognition, and I willingly tried to brute-force my way through an extreme trauma response to please you. And you still hit me with my worst nightmare. that's why i was mad at you lol

I was so, so afraid, all the time, and I didn't even have the tools to understand I was afraid. How could someone as confident and impulsive as me be so fearful all the time? Was that manic persona freedom? Or was it a longer leash?

(Forgive my impulse toward rhetoric. I shouldn't ask questions you can't answer.)

I also couldn't say how badly i was hurting, because that would be venting, but you also accused me of venting when I was just talking about my day? or what was on my mind? I didn't understand that very well. autism moment, don't bother explaining it now. I also couldn't burden people with my actual mental health problems, because making strangers deal with that would be toxic! I resent you for setting up a system where it seemed safest not to speak and then punishing me for my inability to communicate. I resent every system that set me up for failure and punished me for failing, including yours.

And yet - I know that was not your intent! I can see in retrospect how hard you tried to be kind using the tools you had. The people with power over me, who genuinely did not want to do me harm and gave me multiple second chances, still upheld and facilitated the systems that tortured me; a miniature parody of the psychiatric system. (talk therapy and communication are useless if you struggle with self-awareness.) The same is true for the source: No person in my psychiatric treatment wanted me to suffer, and yet, here I am: a torture victim without a torturer. (except my parents, sort of.)

The logical conclusion, then: the system only intends to heal those who are already compliant, or prioritize compliance. The rest of us are treated to induce compliance, and if we still cannot, we are sequestered away. My medicine made me sick, and my prescribers made money off of keeping me sick - off of my torture. This is not a conspiracy: it is my lived experience.

However, even if i could communicate perfectly, we still would have had massive communication issues. Like - you know that one page where ben and steffi talk about dating, and ben says he thought steffi was gay? and steffi gets super defensive and it escalates into a screaming fight? I found that offensive, because a character getting that offput by the concept of not liking men (or a man) is kind of lesbophobic! But I understood that it would be a pain to redraw/write the page so they they fight about something else, don't fight, or some other solution, so i didn't need it to be fixed - just wanted to point out that was a reasonable interpretation, and one to be aware of in the future. but somehow my concerns got interpreted as a phrasing issue…? like, Ms. Cagle rewrote the page to say "weren't into guys" instead of "gay"..? You were very polite about it, Ms! But I found this interaction so baffling I didn't even try to correct it. that… wasn't what i said…

frankly we should bring back mildly homophobic steffi. twas narratively appropriate (<- different essay for a different time)

but yeah the whole communication operation was doomed from the start. rip!

The issue was always my inability to communicate, but my meds made it nigh-impossible to understand what I was feeling, and when I did, expressing myself could get me institutionalized. My suffering was inevitable but always, somehow, my fault. Awesome! *disintegrates into a pile of sand*

I cannot deny I was a girl like a box of matches waiting to be struck. You had no choice but to do as you did. But is it really what you ought to have done? (On this, I have no answer. I hope you have one that satisfies you.)

(that was genuine, by the by. i've spent a lot of time pondering this mess, and I still haven't found the "right" answer. I don't think there is one - though action or inaction, there is no version of this story where I don't suffer. I can only hope it was worth it. wait, hold on *adds the omelas child to my Kin List*)

Nor can I deny making my previous open letter in a small attempt to 'get back' at you - i'm not above that. lord knows i'm not innocent. but i really was trying to channel that rage into something productive. unfortunately i was doomed to fail because i didn't know what i meant. if you showed me that letter now, you'd hear a lot of "what? I don't know why I said that" "i have no idea why i would complain about something so minor" etc. You can disregard all that. This is what I was trying to say. the obsession, the trauma, the projection: all of it. So much of my obsession was talking around an issue i couldn't identify.

(meguka image) I know now

I knew I would be traumatized by this whole situation. I saw it coming and i could do nothing to stop it. But Gear was crucial to deciphering all this - in fact, suddenly thinking about her last year prompted me to really dissect my medical situation and realize i was tortured. I couldn't have done it without her. cassie & maggie, against the world.

Gear scans surprisingly well as a victim of long-term torture, actually. I don't think you meant to do that but good job!

speaking of her - i still don't think she's consistently suicidal. she's a real cockroach of a character, and I love her for it! But sometimes, i want to die and i want to live mean the same thing, because they both mean i need to get out of here. Imo, her thought processes and desires frequently contradict themselves, like mine did. and making your favs kill themselves in increasingly gruesome ways is really fun catharsis!

But please don't take this to mean I consider myself - or Gear - blameless. I love her because she's not blameless, because she's cruel for fun, because she'd rather be wicked than helpless. Like knows like. What I mean to say is, as of 2018, there is a black space between little Margret and Gear, and I saw all the signs of something very, very bad happening in that space. I know because I shared that space. what I mean to say is, teenage girls don't go out of their minds over nothing. Everything I made here is just an expression of what I heard in the narrative's silences.

and thus my biggest apprehension around revisiting the comic. knowing the author and I have such fundamentally different experiences with mental health - what if the signs of torture i picked up on weren't intended, or i completely made them up? what if, in the parts i haven't read yet, there's information that uproots my entire interpretation, or berates her for refusing mental health services that hurt me profoundly? how do you reconcile that a character so crucial to deciphering yourself may not be anything like you at all? I Don't Know. Shitpost, probably

You're welcome to share those shitposts and whatnot by the way. Creating this let me put down years of hurt, and i hope it relieves you, too. I don't need to go back on the server, or forgiveness, or anything besides understanding. consider this a peace offering. the terms are yours.

Despite writing nearly 10k words, I still probably missed something or was callous or whatever. Self-expression and self-understanding are… new to me. My apology may be understated, but please take it as I meant it, with utmost sincerity. My askbox is open, and I'm more than happy to discuss antipsych resources, KB, What The Hell Is Wrong With Gear, artistic choices made in this comic, etc. I'm even down to reconnect on discord! Maybe. Uh, I'm conflicted. I reserve my right to not want to talk, be slow in responding, and so on, as should you. we've no obligations and all the time in the world. Let neither of us hurt ourselves in meeting because it's the "right" thing to do. I'm not blaming anyone or trying to start drama. If it would give you the most peace of mind to completely ignore this, please do so.

or, translated: as of right now, I'm not ready for any information about KB after steffi reunites with her dad, or difficult emotional reunions. I would really like to hear from everyone, and I'd appreciate casual well-wishes. I don't want things to be the same, I want them to be peaceful. Baby steps, cassie, baby steps. (very large and fearful prey animal tries not to run into oncoming traffic)

mostly, making this was for me. Perhaps I've said too much, but after spending so long unable to express myself freely, my art was cathartic and necessary. I'm no one's martyr or innocent, I'm just a torture victim trying to make sense of it all. I want to articulate some thoughts I couldn't figure out how to say before and make some silly things that make people laugh. Most of all, I'm happy in ways I never thought I could be, and I would like to share that joy with old acquaintances and other fans of a story I adored.

What I mean to say is: The train's about to leave the station, and there's an empty seat beside me. The train will still leave whether or not you board; but I would be honored not to go it alone!

Thank you to everyone who stuck by me even after the drama. Ethel, Felipe, Chris - even though we've fallen out of contact, your kindness and patience meant more than i can say. special thank you to @stars-in-a-jam-jar, the first person i confessed everything to after the smoke cleared, and someone i consider myself close with no matter how long we fall out of contact. My close online friends, @shafpanda, @theoandmoon, @dvanaestmrva, my honorary cousin @my-name-is-jimmy, and everyone else I confided in about my torture. and, of course, my partners @transloo and @teenyjellyfishy, and my little sibling, @aroacenezhaanddainsleif, the three people I love most in the world. Thank you, all. it is an honor to love you, and be loved by you.

[good-beanswrites]

A little alternate scene to @kyanako5972 's Amane request. I like the other drabble a bit better regarding how things would actually play out, but I couldn't resist trying something that included Fuuta. He's Amane's closest friend. He's the other person to openly say he'll go after a child and not give them special treatment. He literally looks like the orange cat she saved. I couldn't cover it all but there's just so much going on with them. Warning for references to Amane's cult/abuse mindset.

“Jeez, you scared the crap outta me…” 

Fuuta looked up to find Amane standing over his bed, staring intently as he woke. Amane knew he was doing his best to appear upset with her for the intrusion, but his grimace could be mistaken for pain in his condition. 

She knew she didn’t look much better, an eyepatch tucked under her short hair and bandages circling her body. It had taken all her strength to rise and make her way to his cell. She was used to walking off a bit of pain, but this was a different level altogether. 

She opened her mouth. She had come in here with a mission. She had her speech prepared. She didn’t write it out like her father was known to do, but she did rehearse it a few times quietly to herself, as she’d seen from him. 

Fuuta had listened to her when no one else would; there was a chance her passionate words could convince him to reject that doctor’s evil work and find the light. They could shed these bandages together, becoming pure and following their intended paths. She’d already tried removing her eyepatch several times, but there was always someone there to put it back on. It had been hard to fend off so many overbearing adults, the way her body screamed at her each time she tried. She despised them. She was suffocated by them.

But with Fuuta by her side, she could do it. There was power in numbers. Her mother, Es, Kotoko – all of them thought she was wicked. They weren’t important. They were only human. She could still be a good girl, in the ways that mattered. They could be good together. 

“Kajiyama Fuuta.”

“What?”

But the words caught in her throat. 

His voice was so weak. It was nothing like the way he spoke to her before. His eyes dulled with exhaustion, half-hidden under ginger hair. She couldn’t keep her gaze from the makeshift sling Shidou had put together with one of the bedsheets. It didn’t look much different than her own handiwork. The thought brought with it a surge of pride, which immediately made her tremble with shame. 

He had changed so much. This wasn’t the same person she had found camaraderie in before. If only she could help him. If only she could save him.

No. There was a right way and a wrong way to help him, and she mustn't be led astray. She had come here to help in the right way. Thoughts spun rapidly through her mind. Her trembling worsened. Her chest ached, and she couldn’t tell if it was from the emotions or the broken ribs. She just had to follow through. She had to be good. She had to –

“Stop being creepy,” he wheezed. “Just spit it out.”

“I – I have to go.”

She spun around. She could save Fuuta another day.

“Oi, Amane.”

“I said I have to go.”

“I'm sorry.”

She paused in the doorway to the cell. She glanced back at him, curious.

“You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I’m just... Sorry that happened to you. It was a fucked up thing to do.”

Amane shook her head. She held her chin high. “It was meant to be, and thus, I can bear it. You must, too.”

Fuuta's laugh turned into a cough. “You’re a weird kid. But tougher than I gave you credit for.”

Amane couldn’t meet his eyes. “Thank you.”

[moonmaidensblessing]

I love Mystra as a character 100% she is an interesting character and I adore a morally questionable woman with my whole heart in fiction but I’m trying to get why ppl get so up in arms about her. The concept of a god having a relationship with a mortal is nothing new; I wrote a paper last semester comparing Gale to Odysseus from the Odyssey for the very reason they both had relationships with goddesses. It’s an age old situation in storytelling and it’s not going anywhere.

I want to posit the idea that Gale’s specific dynamic with Mystra is meant to say more about his character than her, though, since he’s a major character. His relationship with her is meant to tell us how powerful he is as a magic-wielder and his connection with it is beyond what the average magic user could ever dream of (looking at you, Rolan). He is written in a way where his hubris could easily lead him down a bad path as it had done several times for him already. He is messing with things beyond his scope, though, as he learns more and gains more power. A line I always feel people ignore is the one where he admits Mystra gave him a boundary, appropriately seeing what it was (Netherese magic that had almost killed her before), and tend to majorly focus on the fact that she asks him to sacrifice himself with that same dangerous magic. I mean, i can see a perspective that she sees Gale as potentially dangerous since he disregards her request ultimately for his own purposes. Keep in mind that he not only has the parasite, but the orb would not be kept docile forever. He became dangerous not only to himself but to anyone unfortunate enough to be too close should something happen. He poses an immense threat after crossing Mystra’s boundary (his exact words in the game) to Faerûn, the Weave itself, etc.

Does this make Gale evil? No. He had the potential to be misguided, though, in the story, and I think that’s the writers’ point was how easy it can be to fall from might and grace with a few bad choices.

To be frank, the dynamic between Gale and Mystra is already at a power imbalance. It isn’t like the other characters’ relationships with their respective gods because they do not have a romantic/sexual relationship with them. That is a curious distinction, which would lend to it being an unusual practice in the pantheon of the gods. However, not in the world of literature, I reiterate. Odysseus has intimate encounters with several goddesses in his journey, but the power dynamic is written a lot differently than how Mystra and Gale are written.

If it is not common practice for the gods to have intimate interactions with mortals, then it stands to reason that it is a discouraged practice among them. We hear a line in the game where Gale says Ao would not permit Mystra to interfere with their quest directly, and it makes me believe there are rules for the gods when it comes to behavior and actions. For some reason, Mystra is permitted to have romantic relationships with her worshippers, and I have to wonder why that is. Apparently it isn’t common for her to pick someone, either, as she only chooses the most powerful magic users, her chosen ones. And that’s where we start to run into the power imbalances.

In a way, Gale seeks the missing magic for Mystra to feel equal to her, a dynamic that would never change no matter what he did. Who is really to blame? The one who wasn’t content in his role, or the god who appointed him to that role in the first place? Was Mystra trying to influence Gale to stop him reaching beyond mortal limitations, fearing (for him or perhaps herself even) that he would go too far one day just like Karsus before him? Did she have valid reasons to fear for herself and the world of magic, or was it a selfish act borne out of fear of losing control of her realm and devotees? I don’t think people are thinking this deeply about it.

I think why it bugs me in a way that kids keep giving her the “bitchy mean girl” treatment is because it sort of cheapens the intent of the characters and what its supposed to mean to the story. I mean It’s funny but I cannot look at a single piece of fan art online that features her without 15 ppl all unironically claiming acts of violence against a video game character. I guess its ultimately harmless, and it’s good they are able to recognize the harm that is present there, but it feels like a simple, immature take just all on its own.

Oh and I definitely hate the take that Mystra groomed him. That makes me pretty sick, and it isn’t a one to one comparison at all. I sincerely doubt that was the writers intention at all, and as someone who was it makes me pretty mad to see. But I understand since most of those saying it are most likely children who don’t have a full grasp of it. Grooming is intentionally selecting a person with little to no agency, usually a child, and trying to influence them into inappropriate situations. I feel like comparing that dynamic to grooming demeans and lessens the importance of it in real life. Gale was not a child, he has agency in his life, and it’s cheapening even to the character to imply he had no control over what was happening to him. Unless I’m missing some crucial piece of lore here, I don’t think Mystra picked Gale as her chosen and romantic partner to make him find Karsus’ tome and unleash the magic that nearly killed her and destroyed all magic.

I get it, though, why young people jump to that conclusion. Again, I’m glad that they see the surface level issue. I’m glad they can recognize danger and harm. That’s good. I’d never discourage someone, especially children, in being vigilant with those sorts of things.

And of course all this said not so much in defense of Mystra (though I love her as a character) but more in defense of the people who wrote it. This game is so well written and it’s one of the reasons why I love it so much. The fact that I CAN write an essay for class about it makes me over the moon and goes to show just how much depth and meaning is present.

[annakenziesworld]

Stitchy isn't as nice as he thought

Hey! I just wanted to say sorry for not posting for a hot minute, I had gotten pretty sick and as I have a weakish immune system I couldn't work on any of my bigger projects. I will be repicking up ask little eclipse! I been thinking due to how well I feel its going, I may make a blog specifically for it. For now take some FC angst! He is one of my favorite characters next to Lunar.

However on FC I feel he's been getting much to hate recently, it's like people are forgetting it isn't just an act, FC is an actual child. He needs more guidance and neither Stitchwraith or Foxy can provide that stability so he chooses the 'better' parent based on strength and strength alone. People don't pay attention to these facts of FC being emotionally neglected by Foxy, and physically neglected by Stitchwraith with the exceptions of updates and repairs. But even then the only one emotionally caring for FC is Jake, while the other one exhibits abusive behaviors regularly and snaps at FC consistently. When Foxy was parenting properly he still seemed to be a bit neglectful, he was constantly dropping FC on those around him so it is understandable when people started to tell him no.

In the end my total thoughts are: FC is in an abusive situation, he needs some sort of third party caretaker that can properly guide and care for him, he needs more proper (supervised) bonding time with Foxy, FC could benefit from therapy, he needs to be properly acknowledged as a child and even though Foxy will need help healing he needs to stop seeing FC as some sort of adult that's there to use him and abuse him. Considering the fact FC is a child that is something he cannot comprehend properly, considering the facts he still uses a bottle and pacifier and the fact Francine is smarter then him I believe he is between the ages 2-6, he cannot be held responsible fully to his actions if he cannot even understand his emotions.

---

This art was lightly referenced off of the scene back during 2022 October takeover when Lunar had been slapped inside el' chips. Here the other one had finally snapped hard enough due to the fact Foxy didn't want his son at all, slapping FC as hard as he could due to how badly he messed up. He didn't even care about hurting them and Jake didn't have the ability to step in yet, FC was trying to desperately explain why he did what he did but he was struggling to de-escalate the situation. Due to how sharp stitchys hands are they sliced poor FC's face open causing oil to drip and fall. FC was internally begging to be saved by the great foxy! He was scared and his face hurt so bad. He knew better that foxy would of never let this happen to him.. He wanted to snuggle next to his father and watch Bluey again. He knew he was bad but he was hoping and near praying Foxy would still come save him and take him home, he wanted to play gatorgolf, he wanted daycare, he didn't wanna be Stitchys helper anymore.

[shrimplymoray]

Neurodivergent, traumas and of sorts headcanons for creepypasta

Why? cuz obviously a bunch of traumatized psychos who live in a manor together can't not be neurodivergent and/or mentally ill in some way.

part 1 of some. idk when i'll make more but i like these.

feat. Jeff the Killer, Homicidal Liu + Sully, Jane the Killer and Ticci Toby

TW: Trauma discussion, Child abuse, PTSD discussion.

Jeff the Killer

Jeff and Liu grew up in a heavily catholic family, so you can imagine for a very emo and punk kid like Jeff it was hard to deal with.

Jeff, in my au, has Bipolar disorder, beside anger issues, and due to his family (excluding Liu) belief it was "the devil doing this to their son", he is neglected any sort of mental help.

Due to this religious trauma of being dragged to churches and being treated with physical violence for his likings and attitude, Jeff never learned a good coping mechanism, and resorts to violence to relief himself from his negative emotions.

When he is in a specially depressive episode, he tends to isolate himself and do the bare minimum to be alive.

But on his maniac episodes, he tends to be extra aggressive and violent. It was in one of those that he did his first killing spree.

Homicidal Liu and Sully

Like i said, Liu and Jeff grew up in a very catholic family. While Jeff's likings collided a lot with their parent's beliefs, Liu's were more accepted, albeit reluctantly.

Their parents had very high expectations of Liu, and whenever Liu didn't meet those, he was phisically punished.

Liu, was very distant from both of his parent's, due to fear of them, and he also didn't have many friends due to the excessive times his family moved in and out of cities.

Liu due to the physical abuse, reclusiveness and lack of attachment to anyone, including Jeff on his earlier years of life developed DID.

He only learned about DID, after Jeff's attack, when he was 15, though.

Besides DID, and him meeting with Sully, his protector, Liu also has heavy insomnia issues and PTSD from beds. Due to that he has a coffee addiction.

Sully, after being split, held a trauma holder role on the system. He grew very angry at Liu's parents, and slowly but surelly started having a more protector role, not only for Liu but, at the time, for Jeff.

After Jeff's attack, Sully grew even more bitter and split himself again, his trauma holder role staying with one part and himself, Sully, staying as a protector. That's when Liu noticed how sociopathic Sully grew.

Jane the Killer / Jane Arkensaw

Jane, before the Jeff incident, was completely normal. The max she had was one or other little insecurities with her appearance, but she had a safe and healthy childhood and family.

She was shy, but nothing that would be deemed worrysome.

After what Jeff did, whoever, her insecurities with her appearance ran out of the roof.

She always covers as much of her body as she can, too worried about anyone seeing her burnt scars and almost leathery skin.

She has an immense hate for Jeff, obviously, but she is extremely empathic with the ones that got hurt by him, including inside the manor by some reason and other people who were hunting him down, like Sully for example.

After her kidnapping, and even before that, after Jeff's burning alive, she grew a extreme anxiety disorder, and regularly does trades with Ann to get medication for it without having to notice Slenderman or the proxies.

She has heavy traumas of kidnapping, torture and tends to have panic attacks when assigned something like that.

Ticci Toby

Toby, of course, has Tourette's syndrome, as stated by his killer name.

Though in this au, Toby's main motor tics are more concentrated on his face, like multiple repeated blinking. Other tics he has is jerking his head to the left, stomping his feet, and turning his eyes around.

On the vocal tics category, he mainly ends up repeating sounds, while rarely he may repeat a word or whistle.

He also has CIPA, and that is what made him be so enthranced by fire since a young age. He didn't feel the burnt or the hurt, he only saw the pretty colour of fire.

Toby has some heavy trauma of cars, which results in most of his missions he walking to his victims. He only accepts entering on a car if another proxy is the one driving, and he can't be on the front.

Toby also has heavy trauma of drunk people, so most times on the comemorations inside the manor, he will stay in his room or outside putting something on fire.

He copes with most of his traumas and fears and honestly anything he can by putting stuff on fire or throwing stuff at people and getting away with it by being a proxy.

Happyness is in the little things <3/j

Toby also has ADHD, with an emphasys on the hiperactive.

He has trouble remembering stuff that are not written down, so if you hear an alarm going off in the middle of the night, it's probably Toby trying to remember something.

i'mma stop here because i got tired lol but this was fun.

[kinkajouwof]

JERBOA AND BOA IS THE SADDEST PARENTAL RELATIONSHIP IN WOF TO ME

THE INNOCENCE OF BOA LOVING HER MOTHER AS A CHILD SHOULD, ENTIRELY OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT HER ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN CONSTRUCTED TO BE MORE CONVENIENT

THE FACT SHE TRIED TO ESCAPE FOR 2000 YEARS. AND FAILED. THE ABSOLUTE TERROR AND HOPELESSNESS OF BEING AWARE SHE WOULDNT REMEMBER THIS, AND AS EXPECTED, HAVING THAT ALL WASHED AWAY

STUCK ON A CONSTANT LOOP OF HER LIFE MAKING FRIENDS WHO SHE NEVER SEES AGAIN, ONLY TO HAVE THEM REPLACED AND THEIR MEMORY FORGOTTEN ENTIRELY

ITS ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIC AND I FEEL SO MANY THINGS ABOUT IT I CANT PUT INTO WORDS

THE ATTEMPT TO LOVE YOUR PARENT DESPITE THEIR CLEAR ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR

THINKING SHE WAS LIVING A HAPPY LIFE UNAWARE OF HER PAST LIVES AND PAST TRAUMA

AND FINALLY FINDING IT ALL OUT

OUGH I FEEL SO MUCH ABOUT IT

[lookslikethatsallthetimewehave]

If Poptropica weren't targeted for kids, I think Raven and Edgar's interactions would be legitimately called into question... especially considering he's shown hypnotizing Edgar in the actual game.

You know what? Yeah, you're right. Their relationship can be seen as very suspicious, and... creepy, honestly.

Reminder: Edgar is an orphan/runaway child who joined Raven's carnival.

Raven is (unfortunately) the one taking care of Edgar. And Edgar 100% trusted him.

But thankfully Poptropica is for kids, so we don't have to consider any potential offscreen creepiness. It's totally innocent 😇 more or less.

[monsterfucker-lisa-swallows]

this is going to be a very uncomfortable and potentially triggering conversation so i suggest you scroll past if you have a lot of empathy because this isn't fun at all

also wanna preface this by saying i'm not interested in spreading conspiracy theories or "truther" claims because i feel that's incredibly disrespectful and potentially harmful to the people that need the most help. any allusions to unverified rumors will be presented as uncorroborated, not as fact (only bringing them up because i know that's the kind of rumor floating around and i don't want to seem like i'm participating somehow in dismissing concerns). because we simply don't know. and it's not our business.

i've had this bad feeling about amanda bynes for the past decade. it's the same pattern we've seen with child stars over and over again. the drugs, the mental breakdown, the conservatorship. but i pushed those nagging thoughts away. i didn't have the bandwidth at the time because i was living in an abusive household when her most public battles were happening. i didn't have the time or the emotional understanding to put towards what was happening to her even as i felt it mirrored what i was going through or what my mom was going through. then i found out about dan schneider a few years ago. i didn't really engage with the rumor and speculation about him - i was in my early 20s when this all broke and i didn't know most of the shows he'd been involved with except by the fact that my younger siblings watched them. i'd been an amanda bynes fan - hugely into the amanda show and what i like about you. my siblings watched drake and josh, icarly, and victorious. i didn't have the emotional bandwidth at the time to look into what people were saying. i knew it would upset me if i learned too much. but i couldn't stop thinking about amanda.

i heard about quiet on set from news websites. i saw the headlines about drake bell. it shook me to my core. the things i was reading were horrific and immediately put me in mind of what my sister went through as a teenage survivor of repeated sexual abuse by a man who was trusted with our care. she'd had a huge crush on drake when we were growing up. i wonder if she's heard about this.

this immediately made me think about amanda again. this time i couldn't push the thought away. i guess i'm finally ready to process the way this whole situation has felt to me.

the way people talk about amanda reminds me of how people in the 50s talked about judy garland. child star with incredible talent, far beyond her years, with incredible charm and personality and the whole world at her fingertips. everyone loved working with her. until she became erratic and had a mental breakdown fueled by drugs. (you could even argue there were parallels because both women were frequently typecast as the wholesome girl next door and not really allowed to break out of that infantilizing box.) and no one could ever think why. why does this happen.

i've come to believe that mental illness always has a cause. brain chemistry fucked up by trauma, whether that's long-term stress or a singular event or repeated traumas stacking on top of each other. the mind can't cope. i really, truly believe something horrific happened to amanda bynes. and i know people will say, well, maybe it wasn't dan schneider. she was doing fine for years after she stopped working with him. i want to make one thing very clear. trauma doesn't always manifest symptoms immediately. not everyone comes out of a trauma looking shell shocked. i know from my experience because i didn't have my breakdown until a year after my abuser was exposed and i'm still feeling the consequences to my psyche to this day. and i think it must be difficult for child stars to process this trauma. the pattern i've seen is the child star endures something terrible, gets incredible fame and begins taking on more and more pressure, then when this isn't enough to make them happy they turn to drugs. you think because they got out that it would all just go away? no. they were raised to play characters so they played those characters. there was incredible pressure to just play those characters because that's what the fans want. having struggles isn't part of the brand. it had to be especially rough on nick stars because there wasn't much separation between them and the characters they played. it was the amanda show. drake and josh used their real first names. the separation between who they were and who the character was was probably a very blurred line.

i wonder how long this documentary has been in production. tracking down these people and petitioning courts had to have taken ages. amanda was supposed to be at 90s con last year but cancelled due to illness and had another psychotic episode. 90s con itself may have been a trigger for her, but if someone had reached out to her or if she'd heard about this production...i could see that triggering her and making her relive the horror she went through. there are so many unsubstantiated rumors floating around. i can't speak to whether she was high on adderall during that interview when she was 12 (she could've just been a hyper child but they could've been pulling a judy garland on her and i don't trust these people plus she's said she got hooked on adderall when she was a teenager for weight loss but she may not feel comfortable disclosing if the studio has her under NDA). i can't verify if that side twitter actually belonged to amanda. it could be some sicko thought it was funny to accuse her boss of knocking her up and forcing her to get an abortion at 13 or accusing her father of various things.

but i get why she wouldn't speak up because people won't believe her no matter what she says. i went through something and people in my hometown still debate whether i'm crazy or lying for attention. my family did everything they could to put me under control and get me diagnosed as paranoid or delusional so they wouldn't face justice. (really don't get me started on how the mental healthcare system is used by abusers to cover up their sins.) i wouldn't put it past her parents to do that, especially considering amanda had a bad relationship with them as a teenager which sent her further into that groomer's clutches. she doesn't owe us anything because it'll start a firestorm that could retrigger her as people debate if she's delusional or scrutinize her past mistakes to determine if she's a perfect enough victim to deserve sympathy.

which brings me to drake bell. i knew he was the victim before i watched the doc but it still gave me chills when he sat down in that chair. like it felt like the air drained from the room. it was so obvious that what he went through has affected him so deeply and that he had no one to turn to. my abuser had so much community support, so many people making us out to be lying opportunistic bitches. i can't imagine having to carry that secret. i wonder if the people around him can pinpoint it in retrospect when he started being different. i want the other kids on set to know that it's not their fault they didn't know and that they had a bad opinion of him at some point. my sister and i were pitted against each other by the man who assaulted her and it's only with context later that i can see what was going on. i have no doubt that schneider employed these tactics so no one would feel comfortable disclosing what happened to them.

i admit that i cried watching the drake bell episode. that had to be incredibly difficult for him to open up about it after all these years and i hope he can get some closure and that someone starts a support group for these former nick stars.

and to drake bell himself. you were a child. you had no idea what grooming looks like. most grown people don't seem to know what grooming looks like based on how they talk about these issues. you are not at fault for what that man did to you or not knowing how to handle it. you didn't do anything to encourage this and you're not at fault.

and to his father. i appreciate that you did what you could to try to protect him. my mother had a similar experience trying to protect us from my abuser but everyone assumed she was psychotic and had her put away. try not to blame yourself when you were the lone voice of reason and everyone else insisted you were in the wrong. i do have fault to throw on amanda bynes' parents to some degree depending on what part of all this is true, but i can't find fault with drake bell's father who did try when he saw something wrong.

and i'm sorry but dan being super nice to drake afterwards seems like an attempt to make himself look better and get another hit show. i don't believe for a second that dan didn't know anything or that he had any motives beyond making his own star rise. he wanted to churn out product, and couldn't have that product if drake bell was visibly distraught.

i want to know how many people have known it was drake for 20 years and said nothing. how many people were in peck's side of the courtroom and yet still had the audacity to think this child was at fault in some way. that's vile and utterly unforgivable.

i just want to end this by saying to leave these people alone. don't harass anyone who hasn't spoken up because they may not be in a headspace where it's healthy of them to say anything. they don't owe us any explanation of why.

[woodsborostabathon]

okay, so… thinking abt this further because i saw the most egregious examples of this today on youtube and the sheer disgust has just not left me quite yet.

i hate, hate, hate all the stupid little tiktok censorship words/phrases with a passion. like, they genuinely invoke some kind of rage in me if the context is serious enough. it really wouldn’t matter much if they were contained to that app (bc i simply don’t have it anymore), but w the way ts has spread… downright demonic.

and i know why it’s, like, a thing. because yadda yadda your videos get shadowbanned yadda yadda they get taken down. ok yeah. whatever. sucks for yall.

but if you’re gonna come onto another platform that doesn’t do all that mess and start throwing ts around there… you have zero business talking abt whatever it is you’re dancing around at all. none whatsoever.

like i literally do not care if that ‘affects your reach’ anywhere else. that doesn’t matter. it literally doesn’t. suck it up! because at the end of the day, that is absolutely not an excuse to come into, like, the comments section of a news report of a real life crime and say shit like ‘the victim was lured to her unaliving’ or ‘the unaliver’s father is a convicted grapist pdf file so(ffender) arrested for possession of corn-’ like it’s normal and a-okay and doesn’t absolutely make light of a real, horrific situation.

you can argue for intent all you want, or go with the ‘ohhh but it’ll get censored’ excuse, but there’s just no way that discussing the details of actual abuse/crimes with a vocabulary straight out of r/boneappletea to try and dance around the matter won’t come across as minimizing.

[cavinginhisfvce]

'No Other Way Out For Me"

Pairing: Harringrove.

Tw: suicide attempt, ED unspecified, implied child abuse, self-harm.

Loosely based off the quote "They never want to discuss what triggered you. Just how you reacted."

Was originally one part, but will now be two!

Nobody notices the way Billy seems largely put off by every meal. They don't see the disgust that courses through him with every bite, through every uptick in his calorie intake.

They don't see when he finally dips off to the bathroom to ralph every morsel he possibly can.

Nobody hears his cries over the rush of shower water, they don't hear him shouting to be seen, heard, and held. 

They don't see the drops of red that mix in with his shower water as it trails down the drain.

What they do see is Billy's unbridled anger. His hair triggers for any and all things. They see bruised knuckles, and split lips in place of his oh so evident pain. They see a nuisance, an unreasonably angry boy. They take what they see at face value, nobody digs further. Billy doesn't ask them to.

Nobody witnesses the days Billy can barely drag himself out of bed. Nobody sees the days where he's so tired, every movement feels like a war on his body and mind.

There's always a hidden layer of fatigue beneath his skin, some days it's easily ignored, while others it demands to be addressed. 

No one is around to watch as Billy Hargrove becomes a shell of his former self. Only Billy and the four walls of whatever room he's holed up in.

Nobody sees the papers that litter Billy's bedroom, or their contents. They don't see the "Dear Max'" and the "I'm sorrys". 

Not until it's too late, anyway. 

Now, Max watches, horrified as Steve Harrington and her step father alternate between applying pressure to Billy's wounds, and checking for a pulse. 

It all seems so hopeless. Her mother tries, and fails to shield her from seeing the panicked attempts at keeping Billy alive. The paramedics aren't too far, Max can hear the blare of their sirens, even over Steve's rushed words of, "stay with us, Billy. Please." "I got you, please." 

Please, please, please.

Max wonders if he's pleading with Billy or with the universe. She hopes it's both.

When the EMTs finally did arrive, Max watched with tearful blue eyes as they carted Billy off and into the Ambulance. She watched as Neil slipped in before the doors shut. She watched as Steve dropped to his knees and began to sob, his clothes ruined from the blood that was all over their living room floor. She doesn't know if she should comfort him or leave him be.

She didn't understand why Steve was crying. Was it because the situation was traumatic, even for them? Or was it because somewhere along the line, they'd become friends or something like it?

Sadly, Max wasn't able to wonder very long before her mom was guiding her back into the house. She tried to rush them past the spots where Billy's blood pooled the most, tried to keep the red stained floors from view, but Max had already seen. Max had already seen the state her brother was in when they found him. Had seen the lifeless tint to his skin. 

She thought for sure he was gone, but somehow, in spite of his own attempts, he was still fighting. Still alive. 

Weak, but alive. If the EMTs were to be trusted when they told her and her mom that Billy would be okay.

Her mom tells her to pack a bag, one for herself and one for Billy. 

She obliges. 

When her own bag is packed and resting at the foot of her bed, Max hurriedly slips into Billy's room.

She ignores the knowledge that she hasn't been inside of his room in almost a year. She pushes past the visible signs that her brother had been spiraling. There's beer cans littering just about every flat surface. There's papers everywhere, some ripped, some crumpled. 

But, worst of all? It's significantly empty, all his posters are gone, leaving his walls bare, lackluster. 

His once extensive record collection has dwindled considerably. He barely has six left. Max notes that almost all his favorite ones are gone, the remaining six are the ones she too found herself enjoying. Back when her and Billy hung out. Before they moved to Hawkins and Billy changed.

His clothes are all packed away in plastic crates, the kind meant for long term storage. 

She doesn't let herself consider how long Billy had been planning this. If she did, she'd probably see all the signs he laid out for somebody to acknowledge. 

He had long since swapped out his short-sleeved, tight shirts, for layers. His jeans followed the same fate, and were replaced by sweatpants and loose jeans. At the time, Max assumed the cold had finally gotten to him. She thought he was just conforming to a life in a brisk town, the same as her.

Instead of packing a bag, she reaches down and swipes up a piece of paper. It's crumpled beyond repair, but legible nonetheless.

"Dear Max, 

I'm sorry. For everything. I wasn't a good brother, and you deserved better than that. 

I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from him, any longer. Please don't hate me for this, Max. 

If you have to hate me, hate me for how I treated you. But please don't hate me for this. There was no other way out for me,"

The letter gets cut off there, Max guesses he wasn't pleased with how it was coming along.

Max drops the paper with a soft gasp, her eyes filling with tears once again. She wouldn't cry though. Because Billy was going to be okay. He was going to get better, and Max could be the sister he's always needed, and in turn she hopes he will at least try to be a proper brother to her. 

She wants to read another unfinished note, but it feels like an invasion, because Billy might've been addressing her, but the letters were still in his possession.

She's never hated him. She just followed the tune he played, it was better if Neil thought they were against one another. Even Max knew that without needing to be told.

But this whole situation? It changed the tune of the song, whether Billy intended for it to or not, Max was no longer following his cues. She didn't need to, because when Billy came home, they'd write the song together.

With that in mind, Max sets to pack his bag. It was easy, considering the way his clothes were packed up. 

Max, despite her protests, was sent to stay with The Byers' for over a week.

Usually, staying with her friends was a blessing, but this time it was a dreadful affair. She just wanted to go see Billy in the hospital, but she kept being told she was too young to see him that way. As if she hadn't seen her brother lying in a pool of his own blood. 

When Max was able to go home, Billy still hadn't been released from the hospital. At dinner, she finally asked why that was. 

Neil seemed to tense up at the question, his fingers clutched his fork so tightly the metal all but bent at the action.

"He's not well, Maxine. The doctors just want to keep him there a little longer to make sure nothing like this happens again." Her mom's voice cut through the silence that followed her question. 

Max, feeling pissed off, and put out for some reason, just nodded and went back to eating her dinner. 

Well, she tried at least. Most of it was burned, or just too bland. 

Her mom was never a good cook, not like Billy who would always manage to save Susan's dishes in some way. He always caught them before they burned, or snuck in extra seasoning whenever her mom would turn her back.

It was another two weeks before Billy was meant to come home, only five days before it all, Neil had taken off in the dead of night. He didn't leave a note, didn't even say goodbye. 

To Max's knowledge, her mother hadn't cried when she realized her husband wouldn't be returning. She blared the music Neil often complained about, Billy's favorite genre of music, and skirted around Billy's bedroom. She had Max help her unpack his belongings, his clothes returned to the closet, his scarce record collection was put into a proper display. 

Steve even came by and hung Billy's mirror up behind his door. To Max's surprise, he'd also replaced the posters that once covered the walls. He even went as far as to add additional posters, ones from bands Max knew Billy enjoyed. She just didn't know why Steve also knew which bands he favored.

The day they set out to pick Billy up from the hospital, Max had been buzzing with excitement. Three long weeks of not seeing Billy was finally coming to a close. 

Max couldn't remember the last time she had been so ready to see the blond, she thinks it might've been when their parents were only dating. They still lived in California, they still got along back then.

However, on the ride over, Max was starting to regret agreeing to come along. She initially thought Billy had been in Hawkins Memorial Hospital, it was nearby, and equipped to take care of him. 

But, when they drove beyond the town's limits, to a hospital in the next town over, Max had thrown her head back with a groan. 

Steve, who had offered to drive her and her mom, just laughed and glanced back at her when they pulled into a red light. "It's a long drive, right? I've made this drive at least six times this month." 

Again, Max was left to wonder just how close Steve and her brother had gotten without her knowing.

This time, however, she voiced her question to him. 

The elder seemed to pause, his hands freezing in their place on the steering wheel. He was almost dazed until Susan laid a hand on his arm and whispered something Max couldn't catch. 

Whatever it was, was apparently enough to have him nodding his head and breathing out. "We're dating? He's my boyfriend, I guess. I mean, it was purely physical for a long time, but..." 

Even though he sounded unsure, and was probably scolding himself for oversharing, Max detected the smile in his voice. She was shocked, for a multitude of reasons. But, mostly because Steve Harrington was dating her brother. The mere thought had her gagging out loud, her face scrunched up in obvious displeasure. She was shocked her mother knew, but that was a topic to broach on a later date.

"Okay, TMI! I get it." Her mom was the first to dissolve into giggles, but both Max and Steve were quick to follow suit.

It took almost thirty minutes before Billy was crossing the threshold of the hospital he'd spent nearly a month in. When he spotted Max, Susan and Steve, it was obvious they hadn't seen him yet. So, Billy did what any sensible older brother would do, and snuck up behind Max. His eye caught Steve's and he motioned for him to remain silent, before he was placing both hands on Max's shoulders and leaning into her space. "Hey, shitbird!" 

Max, who almost jumped out of skin, turned around and flung herself into Billy's arms. "Asshole!"

The latter caught her easily, his arms winding around her waist, both of them ignoring Susan's gentle scolding. 

It was at least a minute before Billy was playfully shoving her away, his face twisted up in mock anger, "alright  enough, you're getting little bitch all over me!"

Max slapped his arm, her lips forming a pout, "stop being an ass, I missed you!"

Billy just smirked at her, clicking his tongue as he glanced up at Steve, then at Susan. 

There was a mischievous glint in his eye, one familiar to all of them. 

Steve was the one to groan, "Billy, no, don't." 

But, his plea fell on deaf ears, because two seconds later, Billy was saying, "You act like I almost died, Maxie."

Again, Max slapped his arm, this time with more power than the first one. "Don't joke about that, Billy!" 

Her body seemed to betray her demands, because she was then giggling madly. 

"Only you two would find this funny." Her mom just shook her head, her disappointment overshadowed by the fond twinge to her tone.

On the ride home, Max and Susan both sat in the back, allowing Billy the opportunity to sit in the passenger seat.

He tried convincing Steve to let him drive, but he was quick to decline. None of them were too keen on the motion sickness that came with Billy's fast, reckless driving.

Every time Steve glances in Billy's direction, Max can't help but to wonder if he's seeing the same image that flashes occasionally in her mind. 

Billy, not breathing, bleeding too much for any one person, he was thinner than Max could recall. 

It was like Billy had been replaced before their very eyes. Only, nobody noticed the way his cheeks seemed to sink in, or the way his eyes always held dark bags, even after hours, and hours of rest.

Once upon a time, Max would've praised herself for how well she knew her step brother, but recent events proved she knew very little about him. It had taken him nearly dying for her to see his pain. For anyone to see his pain. Max wishes she would've seen Billy changing from abrasive to withdrawn for what it was. A cry for help. Instead, she wrote it off. She wrote him off.

[mad-hunts]

so, i'm gonna give y'all a warning for this post immediately because i have yet to talk about this on here besides with one or two people, and the last thing i want to do is make anyone uncomfortable... but if you believe that cannibalism is a trigger for you then please do not continue beyond this point. for those of you who are okay with it, though, let me start by saying this:

barton does engage in cannibalistic acts sometimes, and this is actually one of the few, if not the only sources of shame that he feels in response to the heinous acts that he commits pretty much on the daily. and this is because he believes himself that it is disgusting and not something to be proud of; so, in a way, it does kind of demonstrate that he has some humanity left in him albeit in a very unsavory way and that's mainly why i wanted to bring it up. because his relationship with this part of him... well, it really isn't good, for lack of better words. which is understandable considering cannibalism is a rather big taboo in society, but it has become somewhat of a compulsion for him. not to excuse it in ANY capacity, of course. that is honestly just the best word i could use to describe it as i've done some research about it and, like other serial killers, barton is SO perpetually lonely that by consuming his victims -- it makes him feel like he is no longer so alone anymore as he will always be able to 'carry' a part of them with him that way, so-to-speak, and they'll never be able to leave him.

now this is obviously not the way to go about dealing with his loneliness at all, as it is extremely messed up both morally and honestly, just wrong as a human being to do. but i also believe that there are other factors at work regarding his tendency to sometimes cannibalize his victims, and that is that because of the trauma he endured at the hands of his biological father (wesley mathis) whom forced him to eat people with him. it could sort of function as a very unhealthy coping mechanism for him to navigate that complex trauma; and this is because it may serve as an attempt for him to restore a sense of control over himself that he felt was stolen from him as a child, since he had no choice but to engage in it. plus, interestingly enough, antisocial personality traits are often an underlying element in those who divulge in cannibalistic acts. and cannibals in one study have been found to have more cases of abuse / have more family members who are criminals, so this could also be indicative that his environmental upbringing very well could have a hand in his subsequent (occasional) cannibalism after he commits his killings.

i also thought i would mention that, despite his apparent depravity, barton has taken extra care not to expose his own children to the same trauma that he had to suffer from as a result of wesley (what with the 'hunting trips' that they went on) and he would NEVER want his kids to see him eating people. so, although it still is unquestionably wrong for him to be cannibalizing people, things are a little complicated in that regard. while i'm talking about it, for my closing thought, i'd like to say that the police does highly suspect that the dollmaker is a cannibal but they haven't been able to confirm it as of yet. though i'd imagine that most of the underground knows that he cannibalizes people because rumors can be spread quite quickly, and i can totally imagine the way in which people found out being that they were unfortunate enough to have to stumble upon barton just... eating someone. and a lot more casually than one should probably be about it, because half of the time, he doesn't even remember that he's done it afterward because his mind literally just blocks it out. but that's something i shall expand on more later