#tw depresson

[massivekryptonitechaos]

My Weight Loss Tips

•Cardio. It pushes you into autophagy faster. 16 hours of fasting before working out is best (but i don't advice you to do it! look for help please!).

•Caffeine. Black coffee, tea (black or green). Lots of water too. I CAN'T STRESS IT ENOUGH: DRINK DRINK DRINK.

•Five meals a day. I aim for a total of 900-1000kcal generally but sometimes I go up to 1200kcal. Which is very little. If you exercise, please eat enough calories that you are burning.

•Only eating whole foods, nothing overly processed. This means no zero kcal food, halo top, weight loss bars, fibre 1 stuff, etc. Avoid take outs and if you are going to restaurants and situations where you're unable to prepare your food yourself, eat small portions and make veggies your bestfriend.

•Track calories and macros and log it.

•Stay active, in and outside the gym. Clean a lot, walk to where you need to go if it's not time sensitive, take multiple trips when putting stuff away, go the extra mile at work and do the physically demanding work your coworkers avoid.

•Eat enough to stay active, that means don't fast for too long if you're planning on being very active within those fasting hours. It could limit the calories you're able to burn off through activity and actually negatively impact your weekly deficit, plus impact your ability to function and get things done.

•Have goals outside of weight loss you can focus on. Obsessing over just one aspect of your life will cause you to neglect others- plus keeping your mind off of food and eating is a side effect of this.

[shiroi---kumo]

Anonymous whispered:

Are you certain there are none of your people left out there wandering Wonderland, Makenshi?

Are you so sure you're alone?

Is he sure that he's alone?

Is he sure that he's the only one left?

Can he say that without a shadow of a doubt in his mind that he is, in fact, the last MIsterican?

No.

Plain and simply put.

No.

His eyes drop. His gaze breaks. His face flushes to the faintest shade of pink as the prince begins to mumble out his thoughts aloud.

"Well no I - " He starts with his gaze descending faster and faster towards the ground below.

" - No I can't say that for a fact. I can't. However it .... it doesn't make any sense otherwise. I - I've never found them you see. I've never found.... anyone. I - "

His hands stitch together as his fingers begin to awkwardly push and pull at themselves. Fingers picking at the skin around his nails as he feels his face grow hot.

" - I - I - I have found my home within the bounds of Wonderland but ... it was - it was... - it was empty. It was - it was a - it was a ghost town. I found it. What little remains of Misterica here but within it's bounds was nothing but an empty city of crystal. Our buildings remained. The palace, the church, festival square, and the town. All of it was there but .... it was only filled a stillness the Kingdom has never known before."

"The problem here is - no one could have survived Misterica's fall. I remember it so vividly. I have seen the destruction of my home hundreds, no thousands of times in my dreams - and yet it took years for me to realize that not even I survived it's fall.

I was - I was a young foolish thing at the time. Just a boy, without a clue as to how the world worked or the universe functioned. I did not know I was immortal nor had I ever heard of a thing like The Unlimited. I couldn't even fathom the idea of dying and then coming back from it as if it had never occurred at all.

I was seventeen. I was seventeen and I woke up on Windaria terrified and alone. All I had was the Maken at my side and not a clue where I was. I didn't have a clue until a girl with deep hair, a shot gun and speaking a foreign language found me. Speaking the language of my enemy. I thought - I thought I survived it somehow.

I thought the Maken had gotten blown away in the destruction and somehow - by some miraculous blessing of the Celestial Mother - I survived it and merely woke up on Windaria. It wouldn't be until three years later when I woke up in Wonderland that I realized what had actually happened.

I thought I survived Misterica. I thought I survived Windaria. I thought I just woke up in these different worlds after falling unconscious but that was hardly the case. I did not wake up - I revived.

So in all my years in Wonderland, I have only been able to move about it freely within the space of little more than the last year. So I - I haven't had the time to look for them. I am always looking. I am always praying. I am always holding my breath that one day I'll prove myself wrong and I'll find someone. Anyone. But no I cannot say that for sure... but yet I just - I don't know how anyone else would have survived."

[atlantahammy]

Know, I wasn't looking to be annoyed today but, man something on my dash just fuckin' really went and said "lol know what?"

And it's like, it's not a person but a whole situation that just grows and grows to piss me off and there is no fucking way for me to block that shit with tags, especially when they aren't tagged.

It's just the SHEER hypocrisy frustrates me and brings me back to Lily Pete levels of irritation and frustration because the arguments are so bad fucking faith to the point they call a Jewish woman a Nazi,.

Like THAT level of frustration and I have no clue how to articulate it, shit I don't really want to cause I know I'll be talking to a wall and nothing will change and I'll just be wasting time and energy.

When all it can just be boiled down to: Content creators, Animators, Writers, Show Runners, Fandom, etc, are not responsible for your fucking children, you are, stop trying to shift the blame to someone else for YOU being a SHITTY parent.

Jesus fucking Christ, you have tools, fuckin' use them.

[miwachan2]

Just ignore this ,,uwu,,

[positivelly-pessimisticc]

you know, it’s really sad how scared i am of my mom.

i’m scared of her finding out that i started cutting again. i’m scared of her knowing that i’m not better and i still wanna die. i’m scared of her knowing how much i truly hate myself. i’m also scared she’ll take it out on herself. that she’ll blame herself for the way that i am.

last night i dreamed that my mom found my pocket knife in one of my drawers. idk why she was in it, but a feeling of dread washed over me and i was freaking out so bad i woke up almost in a panic attack. why does my mom scare me so much? well maybe because i can’t tell her anything without her yelling at me for feeling that way or hitting me. does she hit me because she thinks she can scare the feelings away? you can hit me all you want, but that won’t make it any better. you can’t whack away all the negativity inside of me, all of the emptiness and the sadness and the anger. does it make you feel better? watching me hurt. watching me cry because of the pain. watching me starve myself because i hate the way i look. if it does, stop trying to shove food down my throat, stop getting upset with me for feeling depressed and alone. i can’t help it. if i could, don’t you think i’d have made those feelings go away?? don’t you think i’d be happy rn? 

i wish i didn’t have to hide from my parents. i wish i could go to them when i’m feeling down. i wish i could tell them things without being a disappointment. i wish i didn’t have to be perfect for them to love me. but i could keep wishing and wishing and none of it will come true.

[bobasheebaby]

Gilded Cage- When Fairytales Break chapter 1

Pairing: Liam x MC; Bastien x MC

Word count: 1,589

Warnings: angst, feelings of being trapped, depression, suggestion of past adultery. 

Summary: Everly finds herself contained in the worlds most beautiful cage, but all she wants is to break free. 

A/N: I blame my muse and PB for this series literally no one asked for. My first thought when I saw the cover for TRR4 was “what if the baby comes out looking like Bastien?” My muse took this to a kinda dark place. There was no scandal, Everly was chosen right away. Canon Liam is slightly oblivious, especially when it comes to MC having feelings for one of their friends, well this Liam is REALLY oblivious. You’ll see, he’s not evil, just a little blind to the facts.

Series warnings: dark, depression, feeling of being trapped, past cheating, cheating, may go NSFW. By asking to be tagged you acknowledge you are at least 18 years of age and can handle the content. 

Let me know if you want to be added or removed from my taglist.

Disclaimer: I don’t own the characters, I’m borrowing them. 

When I first stepped onto the fancy private jet with Maxwell I had big plans. I would fall deeply in love with a prince and his country. We would get married and live happily ever after. It was supposed to be the perfect fairytale, and I was supposed to be the star, the modern day Cinderella. I didn’t realize then what I realize now, I’m not cut out for royalty. 

The fancy dresses and parties where nice at first, but they weren’t me. I quickly felt trapped, like a caged bird desperate to spread her wings and once again fly free. I found myself ducking away from all the glitz and glam, taking refuge in the gardens. They were the one place at the entire palace that felt normal, calm, serene. It was there that my fairytale was both saved and broken. It was there that my knight in shining armor found me, hiding away trying desperately to pull myself together to be who I was expected to be. It was there that I finally fell in love, not with the prince, but his knight. He found me, saved me. I felt free for the first time since stepping foot in Cordonia. I was once again laughing when I was with him. I felt carefree and normal when I was by his side. I felt hope of still getting a happy ending to my fairytale. I felt like I might once again fly free.

If only it was that simple. 

While my knight saw me as I was, a broken bird in a gilded cage desperate to be set free my prince saw me for who he thought I was. He saw a girl who would be a wonderful and benevolent queen who would rule by his side. He didn’t see how broken I was inside. He didn’t see the dried tears on my cheeks, or the forced smiles. He saw his happily ever after in me. He found his love with me, and I was once again trapped in my beautiful gilded cage from the second my name left his lips ‘Everly Thomas’. 

My heart had sunk to the pit of my stomach. No, it couldn’t be. Couldn’t he see I wasn’t who he thought I was? Couldn’t he see the broken girl I had become? Why would he insist on trapping me within this gilded cage? 

I tried to reason with him, tell him that I wasn’t who he thought I was. I tried to tell him I would make a horrible Queen. He brushed my words away as fears, cold feet. Everyone I tried to reach out to did. Everyone but my perfect knight. He was the only one who saw me as both the broken bird I’d become and the beautiful bird flying freely by his side. He was the only one who saw me, truly saw me. The real me. 

I know you think I should be happy a prince could fall for a lowly waitress like me. I should stop complaining and be happy. The problem is, whether or not the cage is gilded or not one fact remains, it’s still a cage. 

Tears dripped onto the page, ink running, as Everly dropped her pen. She rested her hand on her slightly swollen stomach. “Oh my little bird, I wish we could be free to soar.” She whispered softly. “I wish I hadn’t failed you so. You will grow in this gilded cage looking out at the world wishing to fly free. If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in fairytales and happy endings we would both be free to soar in and out of the clouds. I’m so sorry little bird, please forgive me.” She sniffled as she looked out over the courtyard from her balcony. The most beautiful cage is still a cage. Oh I wish I was free to fly. As much as she felt trapped and hated her life, the life her child would be born into she knew she would never have her little bird if she hadn’t come to Cordonia. How can something be both your fairytale and your worst nightmare? 

Everly closed her journal as she wiped her tears away. She stood and walked back into her large bedroom. Fit for a Queen. She tucked her journal away in the back of her underwear drawer, closing it just as she heard the door to their quarters open. She plastered her fake smile onto her lips, she never had a true smile grace her face anymore. The smiles that made her face split in two and her eyes sparkle were gone the day he stepped away. He couldn’t be hers, he never was and never could be. As much as they both hoped with all their hearts that they could have their fairytale ending it wasn’t meant to be. So he stepped aside when the second ring was slipped on her finger, the final nail in the coffin containing her freedom, her final chain securing her safely inside her gilded cage. 

“Hello love, how’s our little bird today?” Liam asked, his arms slipping around her waist, hands resting on her small bump. He kissed the crown of her head smiling into her hair. 

Everly blinked back hot stinging tears, from her grass green eyes at his use of her nickname for her child. They are my little bird. You took my freedom, do you have to take everything? Her heart ached in her chest, nothing was hers anymore, she lost all her freedoms the moment she said ‘I do’. “Little bird is doing great.” She said turning in his arms, false smile on her lips. This is your life now. There is no getting out. She froze in place, her forced smile faltering when she saw him over her husband’s shoulder. Her white knight, the man she loved and lost. The man she was doomed to long for eternity. What’s he doing here? He never comes into the quarters. Her heart raced as her tear filled grass green eyes met his stormy grey. He stood, back straight, hands clasped behind his back, his stoic face twitched as their eyes met. “Liam, why is Bastien here?” She asked pulling back, struggling to conceal her emotions from her face and voice. 

“Love, I have to go away to save a deal.” Liam stated, brushing her cheek with his hand, not noticing her flinch away from his touch. 

Everly’s face fell, for all the luxuries she was supposed to gain by being Queen, she saw none of them. She thought she might at least see the world, but she was almost always left behind, always held in her gilded cage. Her eyes turned downward, she knew what was coming he was leaving she was staying, and her knight would be off with her prince while she sat alone in her cage. 

Liam tilted her head up, his chestnut brown eyes warm and loving locking on her solemn grass green. He didn’t flinch, he never noticed when she was sad or broken, not really. The only man to ever notice was the only man she could not have. 

“Now love, I know you’re sad and will miss me, but I’ve asked Bastien here because I want to leave him with you. That way I know my love and little bird are safe.” Liam said looking deep into her eyes. 

Everly’s heart pounded in her ears. He’s leaving me with my knight? He wouldn’t if he knew. Her mind raced, did he know, suspect? Was this some sort of test or trick? She glanced at Bastien seeing the same surprise painted on his face. Her eyes met Liam’s once more, all she saw was warmth and love. No, this wasn’t a test. He still had no clue what Bastien meant to her. He had no clue that she was a bird trapped in a gilded cage begging to to set free. He was clueless and may never know. She swallowed turning away. “Okay.” She replied nodded. Her hand grazed her bump, if only things were different little bird. How could she ignore her feelings with him stuck in her cage with her? She had been sure her prison could never be worse than it was, she now knew she had been wrong. Her love, the man that held her heart trapped by her side was almost a fate worse than the lonely existence she had grown used to. She wasn’t sure she would be able to resist him or stay away if they were alone together. 

“Sir, are you sure I wouldn’t be more needed by your side?” Bastien questioned.

Everly turned at his words, eyes locking once more. She saw everything she felt floating in his stormy grey eyes, fear, confusion, love.

“Nonsense Bastien. Everly is far more important than I am now that she is carrying our heir.” Liam replied. 

Everly flinched at Liam’s words. Heir, that’s all she was useful for, providing heirs. She sat in her gilded cage and was supposed to be happy surrounded by riches, never leaving. She was seen as a means to an end by many, a way to get an heir. I’m sorry little bird. Oh what she would give to escape her gilded cage, to fly free once more, to be by the side of her handsome knight happy and free. Her hand grazed her bump. If only… If only it were his, then she could be free of her gilded cage. 

Feedback fuels me, please like, comment or reblog to let me know how much you like it. I can handle the screams, so scream away. 

Masterlist can be found in my bio.

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[cetramoon]

I’m tried

I’m tried of trying my hardest to please you,

I’m tried of always trying to be my best for you and you not noticed me.

I’m tried of feel so depressed, stupid , worthless , ugly and just a complete idiot because of you.

I’m tried of sending you texts and trying to keep a conversation going, but you blow it off. Say you just don’t feel like talking, blame it on me, I don’t know

All I know is I’m tried, I’m tried of trying for nothing,

So before you get the chance to leave me, I’m going to leave you ...

[justabitbelowaverage]

The Importance Of Validation In The Mental Health Community

DISCLAIMER: I can not diagnose any of the conditions you have through a screen. If you display behaviors similar to those associated with the conditions I describe, it does not automatically mean that you have these conditions. If you are worried about your own mental health, please seek out a medical professional qualified to help you.

I discuss serious topics in this post. I don’t believe any material would be too triggering for someone to read but I can’t pretend to know how my words affect everyone so read at your own discretion.

I discuss topics including but not limited to: cognitive distortion, depression, anxiety, habitual lying, histrionic personality disorder, the idea of faking symptoms, and past internalized homophobia (Very briefly. You’d have to squint to see it)

I once walked in on my mother and sister reading my diary together when I was little and laughing about what I’d written. From then on, I got into the habit of hiding my diaries in places I knew nobody would find them. Well, after doing some Spring cleaning recently, I managed to unearth a lost diary of mine from at least eight years ago.

Among the entries of confessions of lies I told my parents and admissions of crushes I had on the “wrong” gender, I found something rather disturbing. Don’t worry, this isn’t just a post about my whole diary. Instead, it’s one little collection of words that continued to come up on the many pages.

I spoke to my diary like it was a person. Feeling like I had to resort to speaking to empty pages probably should have been my first warning sign that I needed therapy but that’s not the point I’m getting to. See, I would often apologize to my diary for rambling or instruct my diary not to tell anyone the secrets I was about to write. This is important because the thing that I kept saying in my most vulnerable entries was:

“I don’t know if I’m just making this up for attention, but...”

A child who knew that nobody but herself would ever read her diary was actively prefacing each entry with the fact that I may be a delusion pick-me girl. That’s...concerning, to say the least. The reason I said it was because there were so many people whose opinions I valued that convinced me to think that way.

I grew up with an older sibling who was a habitual liar. As such, they paved the way for me with parents that had little faith in whatever I told them. Most stories I told about teachers that treated me unfairly or random “malfunctions” as I was keen on calling them (ticks and stims) were met with a lecture about the dangers of crying wolf.

This created a disconnect in my own mind; an experience I wish could say was exclusive to me. I viewed myself as such an unreliable narrator that in a way, I caused my own mental illness on top of the ones that I actually did have but nobody believed me about.

That’s why it’s so important in the mental health community that we don’t ever accuse anyone of faking their symptoms. It can not only worsen the problem but open the door to new problems that I’ve been unable to even find a name for. A mental illness that convinces you that you are faking your own mental illness.

It’s a lot more common than you might think.

The closest thing we have to a similar diagnosis (to my knowledge) is anosognosia, a condition in which you are cognitively unaware of a medical condition such as a mental illness. But you can see how this is not the same as what I’m describing. What I’m talking about is the denial of your own mental illness even when you are aware of your symptoms.

Maybe if imposter syndrome and anosognosia had a child with a depressive disorder, that would relate more to this symbiotic curse of your mind concocting new mental illnesses based on your pre-existing ones.

Let’s say that someone is faking their symptoms. Let’s say we have a 100% guaranteed way to prove that someone does not actually have a condition such as depression or anxiety and we somehow know for a fact that their symptoms are inauthentic.

Why are they faking it? That should be the next question we ask instead of diving in with some kind of persecution. Their reason for faking one mental illness could be its own mental illness.

May I introduce you to: histrionic personality disorder.

This would be a mental condition where someone has a distorted sense of self, unstable emotions, and a detrimental desire for approval. This disorder can make a person display attention-seeking behaviors. It’s not like it’s an easy one to treat but that’s because personality disorders as a whole are...complicated.

But I digress.

What do you think would happen if a person with histrionic personality disorder were suddenly met with a barrage of hate for acting out to get attention? While nobody can say for certain, know that it could be cataclysmic. 

In conclusion, don’t take it upon yourself to determine whether or not someone’s mental health conditions/symptoms are authentic and especially do not try to tell them that they’re faking. It can have some real consequences that nobody seems willing to talk about lately.

But I also harbor the unpopular opinion that even a psychological professional can’t determine if a person’s mental health symptoms are “real” or not so don’t feel the need to agree with me.

In fact, feel free to voice your own opinion as you are always welcome. If you want a response, let me know. If my responding would make you uncomfortable, also let me know. My inbox is always open for asks and anonymity is always an option there.

[massivekryptonitechaos]

Today is one of those days i just want to have become skinny and dead, so that i would have accomplished somenthing in my life.

[whentheresidentsareevil]

Have I been having a massive depressive episode? Yes

Will I be doing anything about it? No

[all-this-panic-still-no-disco]

Suicidal depression is not wanting to be alive but you don’t want to die either

[maudsaysstuff]

Me, finally happy again and very excited to really enjoy christmas again: :D

Depression: *hits 3 weeks before Christmas*

Me: :/

[bobasheebaby]

The Caged Bird Sings- When Fairytales Break chapter 2

Pairing: Liam x MC; Bastien x MC

Word count: 2,375

Warnings: angst, cheating, feeling of being trapped, depression, dark

Summary: Goodbyes are said and Bastien checks in.

A/N: I blame my muse and PB. My first thought when I saw the cover for TRR4 was “what if the baby comes out looking like Bastien?” My muse took this to a kinda dark place. 

Series warnings: dark, depression, feeling of being trapped, past cheating, cheating, may go NSFW. By asking to be tagged you acknowledge you are at least 18 years of age and can handle the content. 

Let me know if you want to be added or removed from my taglist.

Disclaimer: I don’t own the characters, I’m borrowing them. 

I never wanted this life, not really. I wanted the fantasy version of this life that I held in my head. Some over romanticized whirlwind romance ending with happily ever after. What I wanted was a fairytale, what I got was a nightmare. 

I was engaged to one man, trapped by the promise I made at the beginning of the social season that I was competing for his hand. I was in love with another, a man who made me feel like anything in the world was possible. Even breaking free. In my heart I knew the truth, I would never again be free, I was trapped, chained to a gilded cage. 

It was the night before my wedding, I was meant to go to bed early with a smile on my face. It felt like all I did was smile, but not a true smile. No those left the day I realized my choice had been made and I would remain stuck in this gilded cage for the rest of my life. 

I couldn’t smile, not anymore. Not a real smile or a fake one. Not then, not that night.

I laid in bed staring up at the ornate ceiling, my heart completely shattered, tears staining my face. I couldn’t sleep. All I could do was think about him and the life I dreamed we could have if I was free of my gilded cage and allowed to spread my wings, flying free. 

I wasn’t surprised that I ended up at his room that night, tears actively streaming down my face. I knocked on his door, my fist coming down on the door over and over again incessantly until the door was thrown open. He stood only clad in striped pajama bottoms staring at me, a shocked expression on his face. His lustrous obsidian hair was disheveled, and he rubbed at his eyes like I had woken him. 

None of that mattered. Not to him, not to me. Not in that moment. 

At the sight of my tear stained face all questions left his mind, he knew why I was crying. He knew why I was there. He would always know. He got me in ways that I had only dreamed of and it broke my heart in two that I had to leave him behind. 

‘I can’t marry him!’ I sobbed as he pulled me into his arms, my body molding to his just like it always did. I took comfort in his arms, the way the warmth permeated my body from his, the way he smelled of Scotch, peppermint, citrus and sandalwood. The lingering scents of alcohol and his body wash swirled around me, engulfing my senses making me feel safe, protected. I always felt safe and loved in his arms and I never wanted to leave. I wasn’t ready to give this up, leave him behind. I squeezed him tighter, praying I would never have to let go. But I knew, oh I knew that I had to. 

He brushed back my almond colored hair kissing my crown, a silent ‘I know.’ We both knew how I felt, who I loved. We both knew there was no escape. Not for me. For us there was no happy ending. All we would ever have was love and heartbreak. That’s all our love story was ever meant to be. 

‘Run away with me.’ I pleaded looking up at him, my grass green eyes silently begging his stormy grey to say yes. I knew the answer before the words even escaped my mouth, but still I needed to voice them. 

He didn’t answer. He didn’t need to. He knew I knew the answer was no. We couldn’t. He was bound by his duty to the crown and I was to be the next queen. 

I found myself silently wishing I never said yes to Maxwell, never entered the social season. I would have lost him, but he was never mine to begin with. Not truly, not in the way that mattered, the way I longed for in my heart. I would never had known what true love felt like, but I also wouldn’t be about to be trapped in this life I didn’t want. 

I slid my hands up to his cheeks, his beard gently rubbing against my soft palms as I pulled his face down to mine, crashing our lips together. We poured every feeling into that kiss. Every ‘I love you’ that would never be said. Every ounce of love for each other and every bit of regret that we could never be was poured into each other. I memorized his feel, his taste, his smell, every soft sigh. I had to say goodbye but I refused to forget. 

I couldn’t forget him if I tried, he was a part of me now. There was no going back, no changing who I loved, no changing who I truly belonged to. I was his, and he was mine, but it wasn’t built to last. 

He pulled me further into the room closing the door behind us. We broke apart breathless, lips kiss swollen, cheeks wet with tears—probably mine but maybe his too. Both our hearts broke that night as we kissed each other over and over again. We put every bit of love we felt for each other into one single night, our bodies coming together again one final time. We spent the night loving each other the way we wished we could spend every day for the rest of our lives. We said goodbye, though all we wanted to do was fly away and be free. 

I silently snuck back to my room in the early dawn hours. Dark bags hung under my eyes from lack of sleep. My heart was heavy knowing that I would never know him in that way again. I was to be wed, and we could never be. 

Everly reread the words she just wrote, tears splashing onto the paper making the ink run. Every page in her journal covered with the same beautifully loopy handwriting, dotted with tears and running ink. She wasn’t sure why she wrote it all down, what purpose it held. All she knew was she felt like she was drowning, constantly gasping for a breath that never came. She needed to breathe, needed to get past the intense brokenness she felt. So she wrote. She wrote her story, getting it out, explaining why she felt the way she did, why she was this completely broken shell of a woman that she used to be. 

Everly shut her journal, plain, simple, nothing special. She needed one thing in her life to be ordinary or she felt that the ornate walls might cave in on her, suffocating her. She glanced out the window, the weather matching her mood. 

Outside it was wet, the rain coming down at a gentle pace, the soft sounds of the drops pinging as they hit the cold wet earth and windows resounding in her ears. The air held a slight chill, and the wind blew harshly, making the trees bend nearly in half, she wondered how they could bend so far and yet remain unbroken, nearly unchanged. She had bent and given up so much, inside all she felt was broken. There was no coming back, no return to who she was. Not for her. She wasn’t ever meant for a happy ending to her life story, that much was clear. No, her life was meant to be the sad lonely existence, trapped, forever kept from the man she loved. 

Everly jumped, her heart leaping in her chest as she heard a gentle tap at her door. Her hand came to her stomach. “It’s okay little bird.” She stood throwing a quick glance at her journal, before she crossed the space. She felt her breath catch in her throat as she opened the door to Bastien. Her mind raced. Did something happen? Could I be free? She knew no matter what she would never be free, as long as she carried her little bird, their heir. Heir, oh how she hated the word and all that it meant. “Bas—” Her voice breathy and full of surprise. She cleared her throat. “What can I help you with Bastien?” She cringed at her own hardened tone. She wanted to wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him until she was breathless, but she had to be strong.

Everly saw a flicker of pain in his stormy eyes. Bastien stood straighter, smoothing his suit jacket as he cleared his throat. “I wanted to ensure you were okay. I haven’t seen you leave your quarters—”

“Well as you can see I’m fine.” Everly cut him off. “Why would I want to leave when I’m locked in such a pretty cage?” She said in a mocking tone. 

Everly watched his face fall. “Evie.” Hot tears stung at her eyes and she felt her heart crack, she hadn’t heard him call her that in too long, hearing it now hurt far too much. “You know you aren’t required to stay in here….you never go to the gardens anymore.”

“I can’t go to the gardens anymore, it hurts too much. It’s full of memories of us and it just wasn’t meant to be.” She said voice breaking, fighting back tears. Stay strong. 

“Evie—” Bastien said reaching out to touch her. 

“Bas, please.” Everly said pulling her arm back. “You can’t talk to me like that if you expect me to let you go.” She shook her head. Can I really let him go? I have to. But… Grass green met stormy grey and she felt her resolve break. She still loved him, and she couldn’t do this anymore. Her life was so lonely and nothing like she had thought it would be. “I’m so alone and empty. I love you, I need you.” She said, her hands gently cupping his bearded cheeks. Her grass green eyes bore into his stormy grey, silently pleading him to love her the way she needed.

“Evie—” Bastien’s fingers gently grazed her cheek, she closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. “Evie, you know I can’t.” 

“I know.” Her voice but a broken whisper. She opened her eyes. “I just miss you so much. I miss being loved.” She dropped her hands to her sides, turning her head away as she furiously blinked away fat tears.

“Liam loves you Evie.” 

Everly swore she could hear his heart breaking with his words. I was always yours, never his. I will always be yours. “No.” She replied shaking her head. “Liam loves who he thinks I am. You are the only one who knows the real me and loves me regardless.” Her eyes shut as she took a breath. “I miss you. I miss the way you made me believe in myself. I miss the way you looked at me with love and admiration. But mostly, I miss the way you loved me so completely.” She fluttered her eyes open, turning back towards him. “I’m just all alone in this beautiful gilded cage. I feel so sad and broken without you.” She looked into his eyes, seeing them full of regret and love. “You’re dismissed Bas, you checked on me, I’m clearly fine. I’m going to bed.” She turned from him, knowing she had to give up her hopes and walk away from him for good. She couldn’t allow herself to live in the what if’s or she felt like she might truly collapse under the weight of all her loneliness. It was time to truly set him free. She needed to free the only piece of her that she could, the last shred of her that believed that things could be different. 

“Evie, wait!” Bastien said, reaching out to grab her arm. 

Everly turned, her face wet with the millions of what could have beens that she cried. “What Bas?” She questioned, her voice flat, completely defeated. She was done hoping. She was done believing. She was giving up. This was her life and there was nothing in the world that could change it. The die was cast and her story written in stone. 

Everly watched the battle raging behind Bastien’s eyes. She waited for him to say what it was he needed to say so she could work on truly leaving him behind, work on forgetting all the daydreams she had as she looked out over the maze, their maze. Time moved in slow motion as she watched his resolve slowly fray, finally breaking. She let out a surprised gasp as he leaned forward his lips connecting with hers. She melted in the kiss, finally feeling complete for the first time in months. Her hands fisted his shirt, as she sighed contentedly into the kiss. 

The kiss ended far too quickly and Everly knew exactly what she’d see. She slowly opened her eyes, her heart breaking as she watched Bastien roughly run his hands through his hair. I never should have thought… I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. 

Bastien shook his head. “I’m sorry Evie I shouldn’t have.” 

Everly sadly nodded as she watched him turn and walk away. Her heart once again broken in pieces. She fought the sob threatening to break free as she closed the door behind his receding form. It felt like she was truly shutting the door on any hope for them, for happiness, for freedom. I’m so sorry my little bird. You deserve better than being caged. She should have known better, he always would be bound to his duty. She would never have him. She walked to the bed, collapsing in the middle letting out a broken sob as she clutched the her pillow to her chest. No wonder the caged bird sings. 

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams   

his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream   

his wings are clipped and his feet are tied   

so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings   

with a fearful trill   

of things unknown   

but longed for still   

and his tune is heard   

on the distant hill   

for the caged bird   

sings of freedom.

~ Maya Angelou 

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Masterlist can be found in my bio.

Will reblog with taglist.

[cetramoon]

I just want to be a pretty goth girl

But instead I’m fucking ugly and a waste of space

[csasurvivorthings]

Rant

So a few weeks ago I did a NEDA walk. And I formed a team of friends to walk with me. Then my one friend posted pictures from the walk, and cropped me out of her pictures. And I am super super pissed. Like it was my team, I organized everything, and she just pretended I didn't exist. And I'm the one who has actually struggled with an eating disorder for most of my life. So don't call yourself an ally when you use an event that means SO MUCH to someone as an excuse to continue to ostracize them.

[typos-in-my-brain]

https://youtu.be/zslYmBRhdOM

This is important every holiday season.