#trying to distract myself but nothing is helping
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One Shot - Help a Girl Out
Matt is sick of hearing how you’ve been unable to come. From men and on your own. So, he takes it into his own hands.
Relationship: Matt Murdock x Reader
Tags: boss/ employee vibes kinda not really. There is an actual like story, not just smut. But, Smut. A little kinky if you squint. He counts your orgasms. Office sex.
•••
Authors note: Happy Daredevil: Born Again Eve to those who celebrate. Very excited for tomorrow.
•••
The first time Matt hears of your issues. It’s early on a Monday morning.
Matt first learned about your issue on his way into the office.
He doesn’t mean to listen—doesn’t want to listen—but the moment your voice filters through the air, he can’t stop himself.
You’re perched on the edge of Karen’s desk, your morning coffee barely making a dent in your exhaustion. It had been a long night, and Karen needs to hear all about it to make yourself feel better.
“So,” you sigh dramatically, “I don’t think he was confident enough to use anything other than his hands. It was like I was his guinea pig. Just kinda laying there pretending to moan, pretending to feel something.”
Karen pouts back at you, understanding your predicament like most women would. “Oof, that is bad. At what point did you call it?”
“When he kept trying to make eye contact with me…from down there, it gave off weird vibes. So, I just patted him on his head and got up.”
“You did not!”
You groan up at the ceiling, covering your face with your hands. “It gets worse…after he left, I tried to help myself -yah know. And nothing.”
“I think you might be cursed.” Karen has already given you all the advice she could. What helped for her, what didn’t, even which brands of lube that might help. But nothing. Literally nothing has helped.
“Yeah, no shit! I’m convinced I’ll never know how it feels to have my own mind blowing, out of this world, orga- “
You stop dead.
The weight of your stare pressing against him even though he can’t see it. He clears his throat, adjusting his glasses as he enters the room.
You quickly shoot a look to Karen who just smirks.
“Morning Matt” you both chime, dripping with innocence.
He grumbles a response not really stopping to interact with you. His mind running a mile a minute. Have you never had an orgasm? Maybe I could help?
Matt doesn’t know why that gets under his skin as much as it does. But it does.
He drops into his chair, flexing his hands at his sides. Your voice is still there, looping in his head, and it shouldn’t be this distracting.
I’m convinced I’ll never know how it feels…mind-blowing, out-of-this-world…
Christ.
He doesn’t need this. He’s had a hell of a week already—barely any sleep, too many cases piling up, and now? Now he’s going to spend the rest of the day haunted by the mental image of you—spread out, breathless, wanting.
Matt knew the dynamic between you went beyond friendly colleagues. There had always been something there, an unspoken tension simmering beneath every playful jab, every stolen glance. But he had never taken it seriously.
That changes now.
He moves before he can stop himself, heading to the office kitchen. Two cups of coffee—one for him, one for you. It’s a rare gesture, but he knows you’ll appreciate it.
“For you.” He grunts shoving a mug towards you. Your fingers brush his as you take it. Matt lingers for a moment longer than necessary. His eyes boring into yours intensely. The telepathic message he’s sending not quite reaching you.
Just when you think he is going to say something his lips smack closed and he’s walking away.
The words I can help lost in his throat. Matt scowls at himself for chickening out. He couldn’t embarrass you like that. It really is none of his business.
All you notice however, is how his fingers are flexing at his side, as if your quick brush has stung him. The gesture of coffee confuses you, but you’re too distracted by his hands. You picture what they can do for you, take you to an edge you’ve never experienced before.
“Well, I don’t get coffee like that” Karen snides from her side of the room. You flush and hide behind your stack of papers. You take a sip and hum. It’s just how you like it, Matt always knows how you like things.
Matt spends the rest of the morning trying—and failing—to focus.
The sound of the office hums around him, phones ringing, papers shuffling, the steady rhythm of keyboards clacking. But all he can hear is you. Your voice, looping in his head, the way you sighed when you talked about last night, the frustration laced in every word.
I’m convinced I’ll never know how it feels…
His fingers twitch against the edge of his desk. He shouldn’t care. He shouldn’t want to care.
But he does.
And that’s the problem.
By the time lunch rolls around, he needs space. Needs air. Needs to clear his head before he does something stupid.
Because the last thing he wants is to come off as some arrogant asshole who thinks he has all the answers. The last thing he wants is for you to think he’s just like every other guy who assumes he knows what you need.
Even if, deep down, he’s pretty damn sure he does.
The thought twists in his gut as he heads back to the office, rehearsing ways to make a move that don’t end with him humiliating himself—or worse, pushing you away.
But the moment he steps inside, ready to test the waters, Foggy’s voice cuts through the air.
“…I know he knows what he’s doing.”
Matt stops. Freezes mid-step on the stairs.
He’s on about a blind date.
Someone else.
Someone else touching you. Someone else making you laugh, making you moan. Someone else failing you.
Whilst Matt was out Foggy took the opportunity to swoop in, grinning as he flops into the chair across from you. Getting you to spill all the details from last night.
You skim over the basics—the guy took you to a nice restaurant, knew how to flirt, wasn’t exactly your usual type but still tried. Foggy questioned if you managed to get off, which shocked you. You knew you hadn’t told him, which means Karen must have.
The snap of Matt’s jaw tightening echoes in his ears.
He doesn’t remember moving, doesn’t register the way his fingers crush the takeout bag in his grip, barely even feels the splintering pressure of his cane beneath his palm.
All he knows is that when he speaks, his voice is sharp enough to slice through the air.
“Oh, Jesus Christ, can you please leave our paralegal alone to get on with her work?”
Silence.
He’s standing in the doorway now, Foggy blinking at him in surprise, you stare at him like you’re trying to read him. Like you can feel the heat radiating off of him from across the room.
Matt clenches his jaw, forces himself to move, to breathe. Forces himself to walk away before he does something reckless.
It’s not my problem. It’s none of my damn business.
But the thought of anyone else fixing this for you—that is what has his stomach twisting. That is what has his grip tightening around his cane until he’s sure the wood is about to crack.
I know what I’m doing.
Your pulse, however, is unsteady as you turn back to your desk, your mind is spinning.
Matt never snaps like that—not over you.
And yet, the frustration in his voice, the heat behind it, the way he stormed off like Foggy had just personally offended him—
You swallow hard.
No. No, you must be imagining things. Reading too much into it.
But then some time later, as you return from the bathroom, you pause. Confusion flickers across your face as you spot something on your desk—a plate, half a sandwich, some chips.
You glance around, questioning, until Karen gives you a knowing smirk, tilting her head toward Matt’s office.
He doesn’t say a word. Doesn’t acknowledge what he’s done.
•••
It’s late. The office is quiet, save for the occasional rustle of papers and the low hum of Matt’s computer. Everyone has gone, leaving just the two of you in the dimly lit space. You’ve been pretending to focus on paperwork, but your mind has been elsewhere- on the weight of Matt’s presence, on the way he looks in the glow of his screen, his jaw tight with unspoken tension.
Matt, with headphones in, is distracted. He’s thinking about you, like he has been all day. Thinking about the way you might touch yourself when no one is watching. About how much he wants to be the one touching you instead.
The thought takes hold, creeping into his veins like wildfire. His hand drifts lower, pal, pressing over the hardness straining against his slacks. He exhales sharply, his mind flooding with images - your skirt bunched around your waist, your body arching against his, the breathless sound of your moans as he drives you over the edge. His fingers tighten. He’s losing himself in it, lost in the fantasy of you, of having you, of making you his.
He doesn’t hear you approach.
You stop in your tracks, eyes widening at the sight before you - Matt, head tilted back against his chair, chest rising and falling in ragged breaths, his hand gripping himself through his trousers. A bead of sweat slides down his temple. Your name spills from his lips in a quiet, desperate murmur.
Heat coils in your stomach.
You should walk away. Pretend you never saw. But you don’t.
Instead, you step closer.
“Enjoying yourself, Mr Murdock?”
His body goes rid His body goes rigid. His eyes snap open, unfocused but sharp, as if he can feel your presence more than see it. His breath is unsteady, his arousal still evident, straining against the dark fabric of his slacks.
It takes him a moment to speak. "You’ve done this to me," he rasps, voice rough, edged with frustration. "Drove me to this. I haven’t stopped thinking about you all day."
A slow smirk tugs at your lips. You take your time, stepping between his spread legs, savouring the way his breath hitches. You step closer, the air between you electric. His hands clench at his sides, like he’s fighting the urge to pull you into his lap and grind against you until you’re just as desperate as he is.
“I’ve been thinking about you all day,” he confesses, voice tight with restraint. “Every look. Every word. You have no idea what you do to me.”
You hum, tilting your head as if considering his words. “And what exactly have I done, Mr. Murdock?”
His jaw tightens. He’s unraveling, restraint slipping through his fingers like sand. You see it in the way his breathing turns ragged, in the way his control—so carefully maintained—is fracturing before you.
“You already know,” he growls.
Your hands brush along the armrests of his chair, caging him in, your body close enough that he can feel your warmth. His fingers twitch, aching to touch.
“You’ve spent all day thinking about me?” you murmur. “Thinking about what you’d do if I let you?”
His control snaps.
One hand grips your waist, dragging you onto his lap in a fluid motion. His other hand tangles in your hair, tilting your head so your lips are a breath away from his.
“Say the word,” he rasps, mouth ghosting over your skin, teasing, tormenting. “Say the word, and I’ll show you exactly what I’ve been thinking about.”
Heat coils in your stomach. His fingers dig into your hips, firm and possessive, as if grounding himself.
“Then show me,” you whisper.
It’s all the permission he needs.
In a blur, your skirt is bunched around your waist, and his mouth is on you—hot, open-mouthed kisses trailing down your neck, each one laced with the promise of what’s to come. His hands roam your thighs, spreading you open, savouring every inch of exposed skin like it’s something sacred.
"You smell incredible," he murmurs against your lips, voice reverent, like he’s memorising every piece of you. His touch is maddening—just enough to make you shiver, but not enough to satisfy the ache burning between your legs.
He lowers himself to his knees pulling you to the edge of the desk. Bringing one of your legs over his shoulder, placing gentle kisses until he reaches your centre.
His breath hitches as he finally—finally—tastes you. A low groan vibrates through his chest as his tongue drags over you, slow and deliberate. You gasp, your fingers threading into his hair, anchoring him there.
“Fuck,” he murmurs against you, voice thick with reverence. “You taste even better than I could ever imagine.”
His tongue moves in long, languid strokes, teasing, savouring, drinking in every sound you make. His grip tightens when your hips jerk against his mouth, an unspoken command to stay still.
But he’s not done teasing you. Not yet.
“You’re going to be good for me, aren’t you?” His voice is low, gravelly, sending shivers through you. “Going to do exactly what I say?”
You can barely form words, nodding, breathless.
“Good.”
And then he ruins you.
His tongue works you over with practiced precision—each flick, each stroke designed to drive you higher. Your body trembles, a desperate whimper escaping your lips as pleasure coils tighter, hotter.
“You like this, sweetheart?” he taunts, voice dark and full of promise. “Like knowing how fucking desperate I’ve been for you?”
You moan, back arching, legs trembling as you lose yourself in him. He keeps going—pushing you closer, dragging it out until the pleasure is unbearable. It’s almost a pain mixed with white hot pleasure. You beg for more. For it not to stop. It can’t stop. You grip Matts hair to be sure it doesn’t. He sucks on a spot that makes you want to scream. Or maybe you are. It’s all too much and you need it. And then you reach a point where it is too much, and your eyes squeeze close and your thighs shake.
And then—release.
You shatter, thighs tightening around his head, a strangled cry escaping your lips. He groans against you, lapping up every last tremor, drawing out every aftershock until your entire body is shaking.
And still—he’s not finished.
Before you can catch your breath, he’s pulling you into his lap, large hands tracing slow, grounding patterns along your abdomen. The fabric of his slacks is rough against your oversensitive skin, the hard press of him impossible to ignore.
"That’s one," he murmurs, lips brushing against your temple.
You barely register the words before his fingers are sliding back between your legs—tracing, teasing, pushing inside you with a slow, deliberate rhythm. Your body jolts, oversensitive, but Matt doesn’t stop.
“We’re not done yet, darling.”
You grind against him instinctively, chasing friction, chasing him. His head tips back, jaw clenched, as you roll your hips over him.
"Fuck," he grits out, hands gripping you tighter. "You're going to kill me."
His fingers curl inside you, stroking that perfect spot with devastating accuracy. His breath is hot against your ear, murmuring filth that makes your toes curl, your body tightening once again.
It doesn’t take long until your second orgasm hits like a freight train. "That’s two."
And then he’s standing, lifting you like you weigh nothing, and bending you over the desk.
Your cheek presses against the cool wood, the contrast to his burning heat making you shudder. Light brushes against your shoulder blades as he moves your hair aside, placing slow, reverent kisses down the curve of your neck.
"You have no idea how perfect you are like this," he groans, his hands steadying you, grounding you. "Falling apart for me. Letting me take what I want. You deserve to feel it all."
Your mind is blank—no, not blank, just utterly consumed by him.
"You still with me, sweetheart?" His touch is slow as it glides down your spine, teasing, taunting.
You barely manage a nod.
He chuckles darkly. “Think you can take one more?”
A whimper is all you can offer.
"That's what I thought."
And then he’s inside you.
The stretch is exquisite, overwhelming, a perfect contradiction of pleasure and desperation. He gives you a moment to adjust—to feel every inch of him, to let the sensation take you over.
And then he moves.
Deep, unrelenting strokes, each one angled to wring more from you, to keep you right on that edge where pleasure and pain blur into something devastating.
"So tight," he groans. "So fucking perfect for me."
He fists a hand in your hair and pulls you up, your back flush against his chest. The movement is purposeful—possessive. His free hand finds your throat, not squeezing, just resting there, feeling the way you gasp for him.
You’re babbling, incoherent, barely able to hold yourself together. And Matt loves it.
His rhythm falters, hips stuttering as the pleasure consumes him. "Fuck," he hisses, his grip on you tightening. "You’re going to make me—"
Your body clenches around him, and that’s all it takes.
He groans your name into your neck, the sound raw and wrecked as he tumbles over the edge, heat spilling inside you. His hold on you tightens as he rides it out, dragging you with him, until the only sound in the room is your ragged breaths and the frantic pounding of your hearts.
And still, he doesn’t let you go.
His arms stay wrapped around you, holding you firm against him, his breath still ragged against your ear. His hands, once gripping with desperation, now trace slow, grounding circles over your skin. Neither of you speaks for a moment—just the sound of your heartbeats, the slow rise and fall of your chests in sync.
Then, finally, Matt exhales, pressing a lingering kiss to the curve of your shoulder. His fingers slide down to your waist, squeezing gently, almost reassuringly.
“You okay?” His voice is lower now, softer, a stark contrast to how he had just wrecked you.
You hum, too blissed out to form words. He chuckles, the sound warm and satisfied, and the vibration of it sends a pleasant aftershock through you.
For a while, you just stay like that, his body still pressed against yours, neither of you willing to move just yet. He runs a hand up your spine, then down again, like he’s memorising every dip, every curve, every shiver you give him.
Finally, reluctantly, he pulls back just enough to let you turn in his arms. His face is unreadable, but there’s something intense lingering behind his expression. Something possessive, something tender.
His fingers ghost along your jaw, tilting your chin up. He studies you, like he’s committing this exact moment to memory.
“You’re incredible,” he murmurs.
You blink up at him, dazed, still trying to process everything. A small, breathless laugh escapes you, and he grins, brushing his thumb across your cheek.
A beat of silence stretches between you. The weight of everything settles in the air—what just happened, what it means, where it leaves you both.
And then, a smirk tugs at the corner of his lips.
“So…” he murmurs, a teasing edge creeping into his voice. “Still convinced you’ll never know what a mind-blowing orgasm feels like?”
Heat floods your cheeks, and you swat weakly at his chest. “Shut up, Murdock.”
He laughs, catching your wrist, pressing a kiss to your pulse point. “Just making sure you’re keeping count,” he teases. His lips trail down, ghosting along your collarbone, dangerously close to starting something all over again.
You arch a brow at him, trying to feign exasperation, but you already know the truth.
You’ll never be able to get enough of him. From the look in his eyes, he feels the same. And that? That might just be the most dangerous thing of all.
#matt murdock smut#daredevil x reader#daredevil: born again#daredevil smut#matt murdock x you#matt murdock fanfic#matt murdock fanfiction#matt murdock#daredevil x you#daredevil fanfiction#daredevil#karen page#foggy nelson#no beta we die like foggy Nelson apparently
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Having a day. God I am not your strongest soldier
#got a warning that I might be fired at work and 2 hours later got informed i have pre cancer and need surgery#like either of those would be enough to destabilize me for a while let alone BOTH hours apart#and I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this#I’m just so embarrassed. for both parts for totally different reasons but I’m such a fuck up#my one friend that I do feel I can talk about this with I did and that was helpful but I don’t want to overburden her#I journaled right after the call w the doctor which I think did help a little to keep me from spiraling#but now it’s night and I’m alone and I just can’t help but feel like there’s no point#like what am I doing this for#trying to distract myself but nothing is helping
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sometimes ur sad so u gotta draw kon & krypto while watching yugiohs battle city arc
#i wanna make morr keychains#but i have keychains i need 2 sell aka the gummies#but im in sm doubt about them i stare @ them w/nothing but h8 rn fkfjos#like i just dont think theyre worth ppls money but the urge 2 create compells me#kaiba & mokuba r gonna make me cry i finished the yk kidnapping part & JUST AAUHGHG JOW HES HELPING HIS BROTHER GO AROUND & DO A JOB THAT HE#WNATS 2 DO BUT ALSO PROTECTING HIM BUT WHILE MOKUBA IS TRYING 2 HELP KAIBA BUT ITS LIKE HE DOESNT NEED 2 BC KAIBA IS USUALLY THR 1 ENFORCING#BUT ITS SO#I CANT WORD THINGSSSSS#if i distract myself w/silliness i will eventually get better just u watch#instead of listing away i will now b thinking aboit cards & dogs#still in the shadow realm((my mental health has decided 2 increase & try 2 murder me))
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i am so on edge my head is starting to hurt
#this is my first time living in a swing state during an election. and a southern swing state at that. which is not helping#also not helping are the conservative nutjobs threatening civil war if their candidate does not win so. either way we r in danger#luckily i already voted last week so tomorrow i will be going straight home after work#i also took wednesday off for my own sanity so#im just trying to distract myself considering the fact that there is nothing i can do#oughhggh#₊˚⊹⋆˚☂︎ bunny babbles ₊˚⊹⋆˚
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unfortunate and awful news- I lost my job and we're getting evicted from our hous🙃
#i still have no words#ive felt helpless at many points in my life but this is a whole new lpw#i truly dont know what to even begin to do like#it felt like juat as soon as i was feeling a slither of calm pf happiness it got ripped away from me#i feel so incredibly alone all the time#i dont know. i dont know where my family will go- from the help folks on reddit have given me it sounds like they'll seperate my family#ive cried so much over this i dont know what else i can do#ive never felt this gripped by fear and numb all at once#i dont kmow#i wish i could talk to any of my friends but theyre all so busy with their lives and im just this... nothing#having a job made me feel useful helpful#now i dont have one im back to being this... useless thing#i force myself to try and be distracted from everything in the real world but its digging into me and following me#im still mustering up the energy to even try and pick up my tarot i know thats like unconventional and its just cards but this deck i have#it just feels cosmically intertwined with my soul. ive genuinely never felt more alove when ive consulted it#i just#i hope this wont be the end of me#vent post#vent#personal vent
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I'm so tired
#not to come on here just to complain and feel sorry for myself especially because i know things are so much worse for so many other ppl#but as hard as i'm trying it's hard to believe things will be okay i'm trying so hard not to fall into defeatist attitudes#but fuck man. fuck. it's not even that i'm surprised or anything it's just. man#i want to curl up in a ball and just be comforted and cry and be upset but i can't do that and i have no one to do that#my worker's comp payments aren't coming through like they're supposed to and i have like ten dollars and barely any food in the apartment#my injuries aren't getting better the pain is still there even though i'm doing everything i'm supposed to#my meds aren't working but meds have NEVER worked on me and i keep hoping and praying some day i'll find one that will but i fear they won'#i have more psych testing in january but a part of me worries about doing it because if (when) i test positive for certain things it will b#on my record and considering..... the state of things i worry about what that means for me and my autonomy esp regarding anything medical#i still can't convince any doctors to take my issues that are almost CERTAINLY endometriosis seriously and again.... given the state of thi#i find it very hard to believe that will change and will in fact only get worse and i will never be able to get any kind of sterilization o#hysterectomy and if something ever ended up happening and i DID get pregnant well. it would not be good for me#i feel very alone and like i need to and must handle everything on my own but i feel like i'm about to break doing that#and then this. this. this this this this. i know it's not fair to be upset about it. like i said things are so much worse for so many other#but fuck dude. fuck man. mentally i have not been doing good recently and nothing has happened in my life to really help that recently#i want to go back to being so repressed i genuinely felt/believed i was emotionless this was not a good year for the dam to break#i told my therapist the other day that i feel like a toddler. i was so repressed and emotionless for as long as i can remember#so i never learned to deal with big ugly and overwhelming emotions. so i react as a child still learning would because i never got the#chance to learn how to manage them and FUCK MAN i feel like i'm losing it#i know it's important to do what you can and not fall into overly negative mindsets but that's not something i was good at anyways#and now it's even harder but i'm trying. fuck dude i'm trying so hard i want to be hopeful i want to do what i can#i don't want to hate everything and jump immediately to wanting to kms or destroying my whole life because what's the point#i just. holy fuck. man i need a minute to breathe and i wish i had someone physically here to hold me and tell me it's okay#but i don't have that so i'll be a big girl and sort myself out like usual and just hope i don't break yet#i'm gonna go watch anime and try and read fic to distract myself but mannnnnnnn i feel like i'm losing it#kaz rambles
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Sometimes all you can do is find something to do to distract yourself from useless worrying, and sometimes that distraction ends up going surprisingly well, so here's a WIP of the thing I've been working on this evening:

I'm redrawing a favourite screencap and aiming for as much realism in the colours as I can muster, and it's going better than I expected.
#the thing i'm trying to distract myself from is a family member health situation#i've been very stressed about it since yesterday and it's still ongoing#and is on top of pre-existing worry about the same person#and it's all kicked off right in the middle of the big autumn cons#which is an added stress because i have So Much to do for those#so i'm considering getting any work of the art variety done at all as a victory#and it's also why i've been so talkative#distractions are helpful when there's nothing you can do to affect a situation yet#and turns out the obsessive focus that comes from trying to distract oneself#is helpful for making art progress#this is definitely a level-up on the colouring front#personal stuff
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you know, I keep thinking about how much I'd get written if I had any self discipline at all and then like. doing nothing about it bc like. who's gonna enforce it? not me.
#personal;#like the biggest issue I have is that like#once my laptop is on then at MOST I have until I catch up on tumblr#before I habitually open XIV#and once XIV is open nothing's gonna get done#days I do chores I do them in the morning before the laptop is on specifically for this reason (that and any later and I'm too tired)#like I know- I /know/- what I need in order to get myself to write. I know all the little things#but I don't have the self discipline bc by the time i remember i was gonna XIV is open#and the day is dedicated to dissociation of varying levels depending on what's happening in XIV#or if I get distracted with a game on my tablet#and like....I love my son but his insistence on being in my lap doesn't help#bc being unable to move makes it hard to not just fucking dissociate#but even if I kick him off he's back in like 5m and it gets frustrating if i try#the deck is stacked so SO against me#plus like.....#even if I do the thing what validation will I get??#and if no validation it's hard to even pretend to tru to start#plus the longer I go without writing like. an object at rest will stay at rest#at this point I think I'm lowkey terrified of trying to write and just staring at an empty document or putting out shit no one understands#hhnnngggg#anyway I've rambled enough for the morning I'm not trying to depression spiral here
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im still not over the sleep thing one sec i gotta rant about this shit
#i think the problem now is that historically my sleep habits have been Really Messed Up by what can loosely be called insomnia my whole life#its always kinda just been a given that if im in bed and i cant sleep there is absolutely nothing that can be done to help#and thats not for lack of trying i have tried every meditation and suggested solution possible. it does not happen.#if i cant fall asleep and try to force myself w/o distractions i will be awake staring at the ceiling for hours. usually till the morning#thats not an exaggeration it happened often before i gave up on it. so i figured out coping methods!#namely 1) making sure my body is taken care of as well as possible to make sure its not caused by pain or hunger or anxiety#and 2) not trying to force it and accepting itll happen when it happens. and then reading a book or watching a show on a dim screen#until i physically cant keep my eyes open and then i can fall asleep. if i try any earlier than that no dice. my brain wakes itself up again#these worked for years! but now thanks to adhd meds that actually make my brain quiet. uh. these same coping methods are. not working#im physically tired and start my usual routine and wait to pass out while reading but i just. dont. ever.#like. the physically tired feeling has never made a difference in my body cooperating with sleep. but now apparently it will????#and ive been ignoring it??? bc im used to it not working? i tried just. closing my eyes and trying to lay still yesterday and it WORKED#after like. 10 minutes or so. it was fucking crazy. i thought media and pop culture was lying about people doing that.#anyways. apparently i can fall asleep like a human and not some kind of weird chronically exhausted cryptid now.#(because of new adhd meds to be clear) but i havent been because i didnt even think to TRY it. since. yknow. cryptid status.#shits weird.
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man. i am SO embarrassed by my own existence. ashamed of every aspect of myself. everything i have ever done has been shameful in one way or another and i wish i could erase it
#and yet the need for attention persists so here i am. posting and embarrassing myself even further#i ate and i took a shower and i still feel this awful and i don't have clonazepam on hand so there's nothing left i can do to help myself.#i don't even wanna sh. I'm not in the mood for pain. which might be an even worse sign lol#i mostly want to bash my face in a wall but like trying to kms. i don't wanna face the long term consequences of that#i know it's nothing new but i really have no hope at all. even if a better life is possible it's still not good enough to be worth it#at this point the only way to help me is permanently altering my brain somehow but well. i don't think that's an option in the 21st century#i want to die. i want to have never existed at all. i want to be unconscious forever. i dunno. i just hate this so much.#vent#if anyone has any distraction ideas or help i can do from bed I'd love that. bc i do need to feel well enough to sleep soon :/
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Update they both hate me because I told the child one of them was harassing the acc he could block to try and stop it
#I knew they’d find out tbh and idc their reaction is all I need to know#the one that was harassing a minor is the same one someone said was a piece of shit when the psychiatrist stuff was happening#her bf stood by and watched her harass his friend like they’re both vague tweeting that oh well she didn’t know his age man idc the age just#made me more angry the fact that you did it in the first place is fucked up it always has been and y’all both know I think that#if y’all tweeted about not liking someone on priv and that was it I wouldn’t care#but it’s the constant pqrting because you know it’ll upset that person and give anxiety etc that makes it harassment and makes me mad#and now they’re both tweeting things like oh well you shouldn’t be following him at your big age how dare you disrespect us#an adult just knowing a minor is not a bad thing like holy shit get off the Internet please#plus I couldn’t message without following so I followed in hopes to be mutuals so I could warn him but I shouldn’t have to have an excuse#following isn’t some intimate thing y’all just wanna hate me more#she also tweeted about how I lied (I didn’t) and that she’d expose me#like for what? being a bad friend like two years ago? when we talked it out I fully agreed that yeah I shouldn’t have talked about those#topics etc bro I literally said there was no excuse and I’m sorry it all happened but it’s pretty obvious I have grown and changed to be#better you can’t expose me when I have receipts of me taking responsibility and doing what I could to show I was wrong#and I’m sorry how is trying to protect a minor who you are harassing the thing that drives you away for good#did I disrespect a toxic relationship oh no how dare I y’all need to get help friends of your partner shouldn’t be harassed just because bpd#jealousy like I have bpd too I really hate some of my bf’s friends and wish he wouldn’t talk to them but what do I do about it? nothing#i distract myself maybe but I know if I do what I want yknow like telling my bf to stop being friends with someone I know I’d be in the wron#and I know he should break up with me etc etc like that doesn’t mean I don’t have these thoughts which sure aren’t healthy but at least I’m#not fucking acting on them like at least give yourself a safe outlet idc when you just tweet about it on priv most of the time but this pqrt#shit has to stop if you wanna stay my friend I’m obviously at my limit with how y’all are both so content with how toxic y’all’s relationshi#is and won’t do anything about it to the point minors are being harassed but oh it’s okay I didn’t know and I stopped when I knew#how can you watch your bf harass a friend of yours just because y’all ARE FRIENDS god it’s so infuriating#she never apologized for the psychiatrist stuff btw lmao#I know they both want a reaction out of me so I’ll act first and apologize or something but I just don’t care anymore#I’m done man like that Drake and Josh episode but fuck Drake bell btw#kinda hope next time I open twt I’m blocked since they want a reaction so bad#like nah I’m tweeting like nothing happened because y’all really showed your priorities and morals#maybe y’all should do what your bpd tweets have been saying and just have eachother y’all don’t need anyone else
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How do you get over a really bad breakup? My girl just left me out of nowhere and I thought we were going strong. I just feel so lost and don’t know what to do.
i’m so sorry you’re going through that 😔 i don’t know if im the right person to ask but honestly you just have to put in the work on making things better for yourself. just try and focus on the things that make you happy and surround yourself with people who care about you, don’t rush into anything new and don’t focus on what she’s up to. just focus on you~
the part people don’t talk about though~ if she does end up coming back even if it’s just to talk or whatever don’t entirely shut her out if you didn’t end on bad terms or even if you did and you think you can like talk through it to stay amicable because people do deserve that chance you know? and who knows maybe you can stay friends 🤩 just let her do her thing and you do your thing 🤍 it’ll be hard i know but you got this~!
#im currently working towards that 2nd part myself#it’s hard#but you got this#i know for me#i’ve been learning about my attachment styles and how to deal with my cptsd#that has nothing to do with getting over my relationship but it is helping me redirect my focus on more productive things~#i will say learning you’re not just anxious but anxious avoidant#it’s real fucking annoying#cuz the avoidance is more prevalent than the anxious#but that’s besides the point#just try to find healthy distractions#but honestly learning about yourself and working to make you the best version that you can be#great distraction#10000/10 recommend
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Idk why I thought the new year would suddenly bring immense change to me as a person, it was such a childish belief, I can’t believe I let myself fall for it. The years go by but I remain the messed up anxious wreck who starts crying the second she’s left alone with her thoughts. The new year won’t change anything, nothing will
#just look at me#I could very possibly graduate from school in half a year and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life#I can’t take the slightest bit of criticism or else I’ll feel like shit for a week#I need to be staring at a screen at all hours of the day because if I don’t distract myself I will break down#I’m so obsessed with pleasing people that when I can’t fulfill the simplest of requests I want to die#indulging in hobbies. things that are supposed to be enjoyable. feels like hell for me#through all my years of creating there is only one piece I can honestly say I like and am proud of#and I haven’t even touched writing since because I’m scared of not being able to reach that high again#art comes a little easier but I’m only capable of one or two pieces a month#I don’t have anyone irl whom I trust. I’m so lonely that I literally have imaginary friends. at 17#and I still haven’t figured out my gender or what pronouns I prefer. I don’t even like the name I picked for myself#I could go on forever#I don’t know how anyone puts up with me. I know I wouldn’t if I had the choice#I keep going on and on about how I want to get better. I don’t want to be so miserable all the time#but I just don’t know how#I try to be kinder with myself and I’ve been pretty successful at it but.. it doesn’t help#I can be soft and gentle all I want. it won’t make everything else go away#so there’s nothing left for me to do but cry all alone in my apartment at 2 a.m#I guess
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Opinions on cherik reunificiation in days of future past
HELP HELLO I AM SO SORRY I DID NOT SEE THIS ASK?? my inbox had some major issues with not showing my asks (it still tell me i have 8 asks when i can only see 3)
anyways. i cant really say much about these two. i liked the reunification a lot!! specifically the entire background of erik killing jfk (im really into the assassination of jfk. for some reason. if i had a nickle for every time one of my fav characters had some deep connection with jfks assassination i had two nickles). but man. they just need to talk shit out. it wont help. it'll make everything worse. well.
if i had to pick a side, it would probably be erik. this isnt exclusive to dofp btw.
#sorry this isnt really comprehensible but i havent watched the movie in a few weeks#and im currently pretty upset and just trying to distract myself alksdjfa#but i like them and i think the entire prison breakout was hilarious#i think they need to fight and fuck and then maybe see a therapist#nothing will help they are doomed by the narrative#ask#marvel
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#back with another rant because why the fuck not#I am somehow feeling worse than I was yesterday so fucking great#this time no amount of distraction is helping and that one fucking moment and the look on your face just keeps replaying over and over#and I'm done#I don't want to think about it I don't want to talk about it but guess I don't deserve a fucking break#I'm so fucking tired all the time I can't do this anymore I need to get out#why won't you let me out? I feel like I've been slowly killing myself these past few months but now shit is just spiraling#and there's nothing I can do to stop this#I'm tired of trying tired of fighting#I'm done#please let me out
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