#try again because there's no point - I'm 'young and healthy' according to her so.

[running-in-the-dark]

My sleep schedule was great for the first month or so after moving into the new apartment! I went to bed at the same time as my partner and woke up early, too! It felt really good, not because it's what my body wanted but because I've been taught to hate myself for waking up any later than 9 (and even 9 is pretty bad - 'why are you so lazy?? why are you still asleep at 9?? you're a bad person and should be ashamed!' my brain tells me)

It's three months later now and my days all look like this:

spend all day trying to clean/organise/get the apartment ready finally, be exhausted and stop around 21:00 - feeling like I haven't done anything at all all day because it doesn't look like anything has gotten done

eat dinner and watch TV with my partner, often half asleep already

fall asleep on the couch soon after my partner goes to bed because I'm sooo sure I'm still awake enough to stay up and do something fun before going to bed

sleep for 4-7 hours on the couch (occasionally waking up to pet the cats and feel bad for not being in bed yet, and sometimes enough to do something for a couple minutes before falling asleep again)

go to bed around 5-6 in the morning, my back hurting, my brain disappointed in me, feeling live I've failed again

wake up around 11-13:00 and stay in bed for at least another hour, usually more, because I'm too tired and what's the point in getting up anyway

and repeat over and over again.

I'm tired all the time, I feel like nothing is improving and everything is a mess and awful and it's all my fault, and I can't even do the one thing that 'normal people' are supposed to do (go to bed and get up at a reasonable time)

[zavoralx]

I do not get on Star Wars much but I'm adding my own two cents to this. The way I correct Ahsoka's montrals and lekku length problem plot hole is by world building and just saying she's physically stunted. She was in war as a child so she had to do more physical activity then what was healthy for her. Same thing happens with gymnasts, if they practiced since they were a child they end up stunting their growth and end up staying short. Montrals and lekku would probably be hurt in the battles and constantly throwing her body around without rest. Her body was focused on healing, no growing.

"But Ahsoka's tall!" you may say.

Well, her head problem may be malnourishment. She basically lived on a warship that most likely only had rations for humans. The rations for humans may have the correct things for her body but not her montrals and lekku as they are built differently than the rest of her body. Most likely her species' diet was not taken into account or it was ignored as she wasn't human in a society dominated by humans.

No, she couldn't receive the nutrients later and grow her montrals and lekku the correct length that's not how biology works. If a child doesn't get the right nutrients, especially during childhood or puberty, they won't grow right. What causes kids to grow will usually only be released at certain points in time, like childhood and puberty, and not be released at any other time.

"They grow throughout her life!"

And it is possible what makes her montrals and lekku grow may have been damaged. We see that comparing young togruta and older togruta their montrals and lekku lengthen noticeable in their teen years. As such, we can assume that this is the real start of growth that will continue for the rest of their life. This is similar to how you already have head hair but body hair grows around puberty and won't stop growing for the rest of your life unless you get a disease that makes it stop growing. Or just so old your body dies on you.

Because that starting point of growth is damaged with from battle wounds and/or malnourishment it still means Ahsoka's montrals and lekku probably won't grow correctly, leaving her with short ones for her age for the rest of her life. They may even grow the wrong shape from the damage.

If you compared Ahsoka to Shaak Ti just remember Shaak Ti grew up in peace time and most likely was nourished properly according to the Togruta diet. Shaak Ti had a healthy life style and her montrals and lekku would grow correctly for the rest of her life unless she received an injury that somehow permanently damaged them in some way.

If I remember correctly there was the release of an official answer about why Ahsoka's montrals and lekku were so wonky. They were really trying to cover the differences instead of giving an actual explanation besides "that's just how it grows".

And before you go asking about the force fixing it, don't even try. Not even canon knows anything about it and this is a headcanon thing from someone who only dabbles in the Star Wars fandom from time to time. To me I would rather have this interesting world building explanation to fix a continuity inconsistency over leaving it be or just slapping the force over it to fix it.

Again, casual enjoyer, I don't know if the fandom has already come up with this or another explanation. Just tired of people constantly arguing about it and here's my two cents on how to basically ignore that to simply focus on watching the show.

[chaifootsteps]

Reading Viv's callout post for DollCreep is kinda frustrating tbh. I wasn't there and none of us know exactly what the dynamic was like but that's why evidence is provided in these callout posts. To convince us that DollCreep is really bad. but.. the evidence provided isn't really on her side?

DC doesn't seem nice, exactly, but I'm not really feeling a lot of malicious intent? Not in the messages where they have normal-ish conversations and when their friendship still kinda existed? I'm not feeling much actual intent on abuse? I've been through some pretty nasty abusive relationships and I can understand being sensitive sometimes and needing a little more assurance but I don't think I'm comfortable calling DC totally abusive? Not without more evidence.

DC has an obsession with copying which isn't healthy. I dunno if I agree with him that the Viv ocs are copies but that also is more of an issue on his part rather than an intent on abusing Viv. I feel like there's gotta be more to that story.

Some of the messages seems more like critique than anything. The whole "those teeth look weird in your style" posts are more critique than abuse. It's not a nice way of phrasing it but DC doesn't seem delicate in general? His language is casual-harsh from the messages. Not horribly cruel? Maybe?

DC seems kind of exhausted with Viv saying the relationship wasn't healthy. To be honest it's probably not a healthy relationship and these two should've just stopped talking a long time ago. When DC does cut Viv off it seemed like it had been a long time coming. I've had to do something similar in my own life. Just sometimes on a certain day you chose to do it. It's not always because of a big blowout it can just be exhaustion. and if panic attacks were happening on the regular then it's not a bad thing they cut each other out.

DC gave Jiji to Viv as something of a peace offering. and in that message in particular (not underlined by Viv) Doll mentions that the copying obsession and character credit issue IS a personal problem that they're trying to work through. Something that isn't acknowledged in the rest of the callout. Viv obviously knows he has an issue with this subject and I feel like she could've spared a little more grace in acknowledging this is a personal problem for him. It's wrong for him to feel that way but it's clearly not just a 'DC is an asshole' situation. It's a mental issue. A hangup. A really nasty and unhealthy mental hangup.

His Afkinz stuff about Viv saying 'It's my story' in her underlined bits.. She bought Afkinz from DC. It seems like he's offering his own thoughts based on the character concept he created. He's not demanding anything just saying what he would've done with the character concept he created? Again, not in a NICE way but still.

I understand why Viv would remove part of DC's credit in Die Young but I still think she shouldn't have. She was angry at him but it doesn't change that it was a bad decision. In the art world credit is more highly valued than it is anywhere else and 'special thanks' doesn't mean much in comparison to a design credit.

Some of the parts towards the end are a bit.. weird. I dunno why she put up the original Jiji art mixed with rp logs to.. make fun of Jiji? The character made by DC was obviously a parody of scene girls.. not a real serious character. So it seems strange to say "wow so smart and original". She wasn't a character used in a real project so..

She's calling DC a stalker for just.. visiting her blog? I don't think that's terribly unusual? and Viv rants and talks about DC about as much as he did her? So.. I think they were both being annoying about all of this.

He made a crappy drawing of Viv.. but Viv made Jojo. So.. According to the writing under the drawing this was made AFTER Viv made Jojo. So.. I don't understand why she's shocked when she did the same thing first? and the 'dislikes' part is pretty.. concerning.

I really feel uncomfortable with Viv pointing out DC's characters that do 'extremely disturbing' things. Why even put this here? It adds nothing to the allegations and serves to shame DC. Especially when Viv does the same thing in romanticizing abusive relationships. Which.. I personally don't think is always wrong in every circumstance. and I know Viv doesn't see that as wrong either considering her OWN characters. So the only reason she put it there is to shame DC.

All in all. Pretty wild? I do think DC was a bad friend and they had a very toxic relationship but.. This is also something that should've been handled privately? Callouts really only need to happen if there's a clear and present danger to the general public. Nothing DC did was a danger to anyone but him and Viv. They should've went their separate ways and never spoken about each other again.

Instead this happened. Making it public was such a horrible idea and did nothing positive at all. It COULD NOT have had a positive outcome.

I think that's my takeaway from the whole thing too. DollCreep was no saint and they seem like they were both bad for each other, but from what we've heard of DollCreep, they seem to have disappeared, grown up, and become a better person. Vivzie hasn't.

Also, Dollcreep made a crappy drawing of Viv. Viv made a transphobic caricature of Dollcreep. Viv, you don't get a checkmark on that one.

[llycaons]

ep46 (3/3): this is what it's all about. but I talk about surgical policy and jc's innumerable issues for several paragraphs first

this is legit one of the most achingly tender scenes, maybe the moat romantic and beautiful until the very last shot. or even more so. debatable. I really love the last shot. but we're starting with...torture

so in order to wrap my head around the truly absurd prospect of someone being awake for 36 hours straight AWAKE given that the pain and physical stress of surgery would cause way more issues, I'm going to assume that the pain wen ning refers to is only partially physical. the rest is what he describes above - the spiritual pain of tearing out the core and feeling that life and energy drawn out of him until he's empty and cold inside. that makes sense to me. the ramifications of having a blood-and-guts awake operation for that long is dizzying. that is straight up torture

ALSO saying he couldn't have painkillers and had to be awake is such a blatant angst-milking from mxtx. usually the story toes the line just enough for believability but this (and wwx living on the streets as a 4 yr old too, tbh) really stretches the imagination. not that homeless young children don't exist but it seemed like wwx really had NOTHING and he hadn't starved to death or frozen or been mauled despite frequently being attacked by wild dogs so idk it seems like a lot to accept. ANYWAY

god this is so depressing for wwx. so I don't want to critique wen qing because modern medical ethics around surgeries were decades in development and it was kind of an unusual situation, but I really don't think wq should have done the transfer. wwx was a healthy individual with a very high risk of death from this procedure. according to some googling (I know), the highest risk for a non-emergency surgery is an exploratory belly case, with a 47% chance of death.

surgeons can and do refuse to operate if the risk is too high (which is partially about surgeons maintaining their numbers, but still). and jc didn't medically need this surgery, so there was no risk of death on either patient. wwx pestering her to try shouldn't have even mattered...like not to deny his bodily autonomy but that kind of medical decision would never fly today. also jc didn't consent blah blah but actually he did? it wasn't fully informed but he knew he was getting a gc from somewhere. also you could argue he wasn't in his right mind but I'm not the surgery police so whatever.

obviously that's not the point and I'm not castigating wq for doing a favor for someone she felt she owed deeply and probably preventing jc from like killing himself, but I can't help analyzing it from a modern periop perspective bc that's kind of what I'm trained for

god, I kind of wish jc had died though. sure it would have been rough and wwx probably would have been hounded by guilt forever and the jiang clan wouldn't have been restored bc jyl would have never gotten the kind of support she would have needed, but ummm maybe wwx could have married lwj + convinced him to help the wens and jyl could have married jzx and it would all have been fine? no, that's silly. jgy was still out there, and if he'd killed jzx and broken jyl's heart then wwx would never have let the matter go. well it's nice to dream

btw I read a fic once where he died and it was a really boring modern AU. jc is a really great rich character I would miss him I'm just SO sick of him these days. start weeping again IDIOT

*glares at the fanfic that made wwx say he would rather die than be ordinary*

REGRETFUL FLASHBACK TIME!!! strictly speaking lwj didn't NEED this the way jc did because he always changed his ways but he wouldn't be lwj if he didn't take it hard. and he's already been supportive but I can see this making him even more caring and attentive bc jesus christ what a thing to learn

aw yeah the elbow grasp. I love this shot. so many point of contact

wwx bitterly reflecting on what a brat jc's always been - petty, looking to hurt, brash, saying anything as long as it gets a reaction. you'd think he'd grown out of it but wwx seems to be resigned to the fact that he just hasn't grown up at all

...so THERE fanfic author that make him react happily when jc insults him! canonically he dislikes it and is annoyed that jc can't grow the fuck up! it's so annoying when fics make jc the mature one to wwx's silliness bc that's literally the opposite. jc being mean and harsh doesn't mean he's mature and it's really bizarre to see people take him so shallowly. and if reconciliation is to happen jc HAS to get over this he HAS to mature a bit and not act like a bitch when he's mad and take out his rage irrationally on other like that!!! even if he blames wwx for jyl it makes zero sense to blame lwj for his parents he just wants to cling to a justification bc otherwise his life's tragedies have made zero sense. anyway he has issues

awww he was worried about lwj! dw baby I don't think he cares what jc says about him

oh my god it's shijie 😭 the music going I'm going to cry. he sees her in the woods he sees her in the water he loves her so much he misses her she was everything to him love and safety and parent and stability and affection and family and he's never going to stop loving her or missing her is he! I'm miserable

and of course wen ning is like ? and then she vanishes and wwx feels so lonely and empty and sad he just repeats what he used to say to her bc she understood when he needed comfort bc showing love and family through food is such a huge theme in this series

here's what I don't get. why did wwx do this himself and then have lwj scold him?

that isn't very tender lover of you lwj!!! who cares if the lake has an owner, wwx is hungry!!

god wn is so funny here sitting with his lotus seeds <3

what they should have done was have this happen FIRST! lwj sees wwx is hungry and reaches down, breaking the stem and the precepts in one fell swoop! anything for his beloved, who he's just realized has been through even more terrible suffering than he could have imagined! I like to think they get there and he's still not used to this, but come ON writers!

all else being said, it IS a very romantic scene. even if wwx looks flabbergasted like that. like, touched, but also very confused

and HE LOOKS TO WN FOR CONFIRMATION I love that moment and wn is like nodding like yeah young master wei! it's okay! he loves you! yeah it is a surprise he did that isn't it! but it's okay! let's eat some lotus seeds! what a sweetheart

nice shot of wwx looking happy for once in this goddamn episode. happy ending to this awkward yet very sweet impromptu comfort food-stealing boat ride

omg I forgot that it's from the jin clan. fics will have the lans use these ALL the time.

and this is so funny too he gets so excited the boat rocks and lwj has to steady him

I always loved this opening shot for yunping! so so colorful

I had to delete some other shots bc I love this so much. excited about being remembered like this

and then so happy!! this is one if his most enamored looks. sappiest. most in love, even

personal highlights: this is such a delicious episode. SO satisfying

all of wwx's longing looks staring at the ancestral shrine. gutting

wwx sideways acknowledging just how much myu punished him

jc really pressed all of my buttons but in ways that made the response from lwj and wn really satisfying, so I guess he was a team player for that one

that one shot where jc looks just like his mom? their mannerisms are SO similar

wwx stopping lwj with a hand an inch from his pelvis region. awkward and yet very intimate

lwj pushing jc away from wwx very roughly and then so so tenderly bringing wwx to safety

wen ning's passion + excellent memory

jc sobbing. YESSS CRY

"let's quickly take young master wei away from here'

my epiphany that wwx's surgical pain is partially spiritual. it's still pain but do not take this away from me I can't understand it otherwise

elbow grasp 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

wwx complaining about what a terrible personality jc has always had

'I'm hungry' 🥺 and after an awkward stumble lwj came through!!! yess that's what wwx needs

wwx's adoring and pleased little smile at the very end. he's in loovveee

[ficsex]

another round-up of asks that don't need answers:

Re: anon who discovered maturation at a very early age.

I work in a preschool and people don't realize that very young children, ages 3 and 4, do very commonly masturbate because it feels good. It's not really sexual because they're too young to understand that concept, but parents are often so freaked out about catching them do it because they just don't realize that it's normal.

This is an article I read years ago that I love, about responding to young children touching themselves (and how a good response can set kids up for a good and healthy future!)

To the anon wondering what the cervix feels like: There's a higher chance that you'll be able to identify it if you try feeling for it shortly before or during your period (with clean hands, obviously), as it sits much lower during this time and feels like a larger protrusion rather than a nub. Once you've been able to feel your cervix like this, it's easier to recognise it when it sits higher up as well (at the top of the vagina, so if it feels like it's disappeared, reach further in).

really good point!

I successfully masturbated and orgasmed for the first time recently, and I have to say that your blog is probably a big reason why I was able to get there.

oh, wow! I'm genuinely honored to know that

re: squirting - is it even possible to learn to do this? I used to do this in my late teens and twenties. It happened because I was really turned on and squirted as I had a clitoral orgasm - not because I had consciously decided to do it through a process of learning how to. It just happened! I was also not taking hormonal birth control or hormones for any other reason, which I think may have had an influence.

gosh, bodies are all so different! some people wish they could squirt and haven't figured it out yet, and other people just do it regularly and without effort!

hi, i really appreciate what you do here! just wanted to add on to your last ask- many trans men (i would have said a majority, but according to the NHS it's 48 percent) who have metoidoplasty could not penetrate a cisgender boyfriend, as they would have neither the requisite length nor pleasant sensation from that. meta generally (not always, but most commonly) does not change the length of the penis from what testosterone makes it (generally between 1 and 4 centimeters), it just releases it from the pubic bone

sorry, edit to my last ask- 48 percent of people who had a metoidioplasty could penetrate, period. now i'm going to show all my cards here- i've never topped for anal sex, but from what i know, it seems like it would be easier to penetrate the vagina than the anus, especially when sensation and "slipping out" are both concerns, so i think it's fair to say that the majority of post-meta trans guys couldn't top for anal sex. once again thanks for all you do on here!

From what I know, I think you're completely right. Vaginal penetration can work with a lot less effort/pressure, and can be a part of just like... grinding around and being slippery. Anal penetration is more difficult, and takes some concerted effort/pressure!

not an actual question but i stumbled upon your blog recently and i want to say how much i appreciate what you do! especially with regards to how inclusive you are regarding trans folk and such! as a transmasc person it’s really validating to see sex talk that doesn’t equate genitals to gender

<3

Wahoo!

Just stopping by to thank you for this blog. I love it! Found so many answers to questions I never dared to ask. THANK YOU!!!

Wahoo again!

I would like to comment on the anon who said:

"I wanted to share my experience. My wife made the decision to go off the pill years ago, and we've been using condoms ever since. I can't pretend like I was psyched about this, and I probably voiced opposition to it at the time. However, she gets to decide what happens with her body. I respected her decision because doing anything else would be unthinkable."

THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing your experience. My body cannot stand hormones and I was VERY worried about disappointing my partner or just idk being the black sheep. So reading this made me feel so much better.

Thank you to everyone who shares their experiences and ask questions. And to you for creating this blog.

so, so grateful for the community of folks who read this blog <3

[herinsectreflection]

I want to talk about this scene, from Bargaining when Willow kills the fawn. You might guess from my icon that I am a big fan of this scene. It's pretty short but it sets the stage for Willow's arc throughout S6 excellently.

It opens with her in this gorgeous riverside greenery, dressed in pure white, the very picture of fairytale innocence, bathed in bright sunlight. It's such an unusual shot for the show, which almost exclusively either has shots inside or at night (for obvious reasons of being a vampire show), and that immediately makes it quite memorable. Especially as the rest of the episode is almost entirely set at night, filled with demon bikers, dismemberment, fire, broken down towers and digging out of graves. It's like this little meditative moment of peace in between all that.

Or, it would be if it didn't include a teensy little animal sacrifice.

WILLOW: Adonai, Helomi, Pine. Adonai, Helomi, Pine. The gods do command thee from thy majesty. O Mappa Laman, Adonai, Helomi.

Willow says her words and summons forth a young fawn from the trees. The fawn is another symbol of innocence, like Willow's white dress. As she reaches out and and touches the animal gently, we're reminded of the soft innocent Willow of S1, who shied away from any conflict and seemed incapable of ever hurting a fly. She's like a disney princess, sitting in the woods singing to woodland animals. Only Snow White never stabbed Bambi in the heart.

The entire plot of the previous season revolved around the blood sacrifice of a child. This is what Glory was trying to achieve, and it's what Buffy has to stop. Buffy gives her life in order to stop it. And now, Willow recreates the same event, performing the blood sacrifice what is specifically an animal child. She steps into the role that the previous season's Big Bad performed, and so tells us that this season, she is stepping into the role of Big Bad. The fawn fills the role of Dawn - the situations rhyme as well as the names do.

Fun fact - the words that Willow uses are taken from The Book of Ceremonial Magic, a 1910 book that compiled various grimoires. In this passage, describing an invocation to request something from God, Adonai/Helomi/Pine are the names of angels - specifically the angels of the East, who appear in human form dressed in lily white according to this passage - another link to Willow's costume here. The invocation seems to involve requesting these angels to appear to the caster in an intelligible form.

ADONAI, HELOMI, PINE, Whom you obey, do invoke, conjure and entreat thee, N., that thou wilt appear forthwith. By the virtue and power of the same God I do command thee from thine order or place of abode to come unto me and skew thyself plainly here before me in thine own proper shape and glory, speaking in a voice intelligible to mine understanding.

In this case, Willow is symbolically killing an actual angel of heaven, which is probably pretty high up on the villainy scale. Just drives home the fundamental Wrongness of this scene. It's also good to remember that the idea of killing one to save other(s) is a theme returned to again and again throughout the show, and the first major example of that theme in action is a certain Angel.

(Credit to this user on BuffyBoards for finding the source of these words.)

So the fawn is Dawn, and the fawn is an angel. But most importantly of all - the fawn is Buffy. Willow, in her attempts to bring Buffy back to life, first has to kill "Buffy".

WILLOW: Come forward, Blessed one. Know your calling.

The fawn is described as having a "calling" that it must "know", just as Buffy has a calling of her own, which over the course of many seasons she learns to know and accept (and eventually revolutionise and reject). It is also described as "Blessed", which in some definitions is taken to mean "one who is with God in heaven". Buffy at this point is literally in heaven (or at least some kind of heaven dimension, the theology is gratefully vague). The structure of the phrase "Blessed one" also reminds of the more relevant phrase - "Chosen One", which again would be Buffy. The spell ingredient, which we know is the fawn's blood, is called "vino de madre" - wine of the mother, implying a feminine source of power, just like The Slayer.

WILLOW: Accept our humble gratitude for your offering. In death ... you give life. May you find wings to the kingdom. In death, you give life. You might say that death... is your gift... yeah, so this really drives it home for me. Using death to give life is literally what Buffy has just done. It was core to her arc last season. And finally the "wings to the kingdom" line again plays into that heaven imagery. S6 loves this kind of imagery for Buffy, even giving her angel wings in one of the most delightfully on-the-nose shots in the show.

Buffy gave her life to give Dawn one, and with it gave a warning about the struggles of life - "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.". This is sad but lovely advice that Buffy herself must now spend S6 gradually learning to understand herself. She learns how to deal with the crushing despair of day-to-day existence. Willow, as the Big Bad of this season, doesn't understand this advice at all. For years now, Willow has used magic as a short-cut to avoid actually dealing with her emotions (see Lover's Walk, Something Blue, Tough Love). This goes into overdrive in S6, and it starts with her desperation to bring Buffy back to avoid really dealing with the reality of her death.

In fact it goes beyond magic - Willow is also the one who uses her tech knowledge to bring the Buffybot back online. She uses all her skills to desperately fill in the hole that Buffy has left behind. This is what Willow does, magic or no. And it's sympathetic - my heart breaks every time she talks about fearing where Buffy might have ended up - but it's not totally rational or healthy either. The main problem is that Willow, in doing this, is ignoring Buffy's final words, and misunderstanding the central theme.

As said earlier, by performing this blood sacrifice of a child, Willow is betraying the memory of Buffy, who died to stop one. (Symbolically of course. Morally there are light years between killing an animal and killing a teenager). Buffy gave her life to stop a blood sacrifice, and so Willow reverses the process - causing a blood sacrifice to give Buffy her life. And she betrays Buffy's final words with her refusal to accept the pain of life and live with it. And finally, she betrays Buffy spiritually.

Remember that Willow is Buffy's metaphorical Spirit, as shown in Primeval. It is a special kind of betrayal that Buffy's Spirit breaks her spiritually in this season. She literally rips her soul out of eternal bliss and contentment, causing an existential break within her. She beseeches the fawn/Buffy to find "wings to the kingdom", but in doing so robs Buffy of her wings.

Buffy suffers brutal depression this season, and describes it many times as feeling dead inside. This kind of emotional deadness is caused directly by her ressurection (though severely exacerbated by her unresolved trauma, grief over Joyce, and generally just living under capitalism). Willow has tried to give death to bring life, but because the action is a betrayal of Buffy on many levels, the act is tainted, and perverted, like a wish on a monkey's paw. She literally kills metaphorical Buffy, and so metaphorically kills literal Buffy. Buffy has life, but said life is causing a kind of death within her.

And what does Willow get for all this? Her pain isn't fixed by all this. She just gets blood on her hands (and later on her face). It sets off a chain of events that will end with far more blood on Willow's hands. She dips a toe into a darkness, but because she doesn't understand fully the emotions that have taken her there, she can't exert any control over it. She doesn't learn a lesson here that she shouldn't try to shape the world to deal with her emotions. Instead, she learns that she has power over life and death.

Willow is clearly deeply shaken by this, but it's not nearly enough to make her change her path. She ignores the very obvious foreshadowing here - her hands literally coated in blood - and carries on anyway. She takes the wrong lessons from this moment, which she clearly demonstrates in her argument with Giles in Flooded, where she ignores his anger over how she's warped the rules of nature, and instead focuses on how awesome she is ("The magicks I used are very powerful. I'm very powerful. And maybe it's not such a good idea for you to piss me off.")

This is a small scene, but it sets up so much for Willow. It shows how far she has come from the meek girl of S1. And it shows a glimpse of the future, how she has far to go but is now on a path to become the villain she is at the end of S6. She starts it by killing metaphorical Buffy in order to save her, and will end it by trying to kill actual Buffy in order to emotionally "save" her. At every point she can justify the blood on her hands as serving some greater purpose - but the blood is still there.

[oivsyo]

Hinata and Hanabi’s mother was an interesting concept, though the only things we know about her is that she was kind and died when Hinata was very young (one of many traumas Hinata had). I imagine her comforting Hinata after training sessions with Hizashi and shipping Neji with Hinata commenting things like they will be a cute couple making the both kids blush. And be loved by the branch family and almost hated by the majority of the main house. What do you think Hinata and Hanabi’s mother was ?

Hi! Once again, I’m late with the reply! I wanted to draw an art with Hinata’s mother and I even made up a concept, but I just can’t find the time to draw because I have 2 arts in process and I hope to finish them before the end of the month, I swear you will like them and forgive me for being so slow xD However stay tuned, I’m still eager to draw that art <3

Speaking about Hinata’s mother, I love your vision of her, it is very close to my own! The point about her shipping Neji and Hinata is really cute :3

I imagine Hinata’s mother as someone in-between Hinata and Hanabi. She was kind and soft-tempered, but at the same time she was a self-confident and cheerful person. She was not a beauty according to the Hyūga standards, but Hiashi always thought that she was pretty and he loved her bright smile and genuine laughter.

Their marriage with Hiashi was an arranged one, like all marriages in the Main house. From the very beginning Hiashi treated her as the most fragile thing he'd ever met and did his best to protect her, even though at first he didn't love her in the romantic way and didn't believe that she might love him. She appreciated that he treated her with respect and gallantry, so she started to like him soon. Thanks to her empathy and sincerity, it didn’t take her long to break through Hiashi’s cold façade and make him fall in love with her. I even think that gradually Hiashi started to love her even more than she loved him, but he never showed his affection to her in public, so most people in the clan thought that he didn't care about her. He did it to shield her from intrigues and conflicts between two Houses that were breaking out with renewed vigour.

She was a younger child in the Main house, but she was allowed not to bear the seal because she married Hiashi. That was a rare case and it happened so because there were no other candidates to marry Hiashi to - there were too many casualties in the recent war conflict. Hinata's mother was very young (barely turned 16, just to make it clear - Hiashi was only 20-21 as well) at the moment of wedding, so she didn’t have time to succeed as a shinobi but it didn’t bother her, she enjoyed being a housewife, tending a garden, making ointments and practicing medical jutsus.

She was the first person to understand that Hinata wasn't born for battles but she didn't see it as a problem.

She saw that the climate in the clan is not healthy and she realised that both Houses just try to set Hiashi and Hizashi against each other. The fact Hizashi had a boy who was much more talanted than their daughter who was the heiress only made everything worse. She wished with all her kind heart that Hiashi and Hizashi would get along together with each other again and lead the clan to the brighter future. She also didn't want Neji and Hinata follow their fathers' steps that's why she encouraged children to spend more time together. She believed that will help to improve Hiashi and Hizashi relationship too.

Despite Hinata's flashback about her family, I imagine that her mother died giving birth to Hanabi.

Hiashi insisted to bury her not in the Main house’s crypt, but in the branch house’s cemetery. Everyone thought it proved that he didn’t care and despised her, but he only wanted her to be buried under the sun among flowers she loved so much.

That is a small part of my vision of her, being frank I expanded pre-'Hinata and Neji period' lore a lot and there are many moments I'm still not sure about so I decided not to mention them. Maybe next time xD

[tangent101]

Max Caulfield and Post-Storm PTSD

One thing I find interesting (and have done so myself) is speculating on how broken Max will be in a Post-Storm (either Sacrifice Chloe or Sacrifice Arcadia Bay) setting. While some people (usually those who killed Chloe) like to say "she'd bounce back!" the predominant view is that we have a shattered Max after this who needs a lot of therapy. So I thought I'd unpack this and look at why I look at this this way.

At this point I should add there is potential triggers here. I'll be examining my own PTSD and elements of Max's state of mind that may in fact result in her being in declining mental health in the wake of the events of Life is Strange.

First, let's consider what PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is, and what causes it. And for this I'm going to start by sharing my own trauma. Because I have PTSD. I gained this after I saw a vehicle go out of control and hit two people and run over two others. The final person was trapped under the vehicle and they had to push the van at an angle to pull him out, do CPR, and... he was dead. Even if EMTs had been right there, he'd not have survived.

I suffer flashbacks thinking of this, though it's gotten better. I will flinch, visualize what happened, and feel nausea. I get tense over this and... well, it's not a happy experience to put it mildly. And I have what is likely a milder case of PTSD. I also developed it despite being in an environment that put me at a lower risk of developing it. And yes, I had minor twinges of PTSD writing this up. Two years ago I probably would have had an actual visualization and anxiety break. So you can get better with therapy and help.

But what specifically is PTSD? According to the website for the National Institute of Mental Health, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) develops in some people who experience shocking or dangerous events, with people who have PTSD feeling stressed or frightened even when they are not in danger. PTSD can occur within 3 months of traumatic events or even have you be fine and then crop up *years* later. And symptoms include flashbacks where you relive the trauma, bad dreams, and frightening thoughts which can disrupt a person's everyday routine.

People with PTSD are easily startled, can feel "on edge," have angry outburst, and have difficulty sleeping. They could go through avoidance of staying away from reminders of the experience and avoiding thoughts or feelings related to the event. Further, cognitive and mood symptoms include problems remembering key features of the event, self-negativity, distorted guilt or blame feelings, and loss of interest in enjoyable activities.

Okay, so how can you avoid PTSD? And how could Max avoid this? Well, factors promoting recovery after trauma include seeking support from friends and family, finding a support group, learning to feel good about your own actions in the face of danger, positive coping strategies, and learning to act and respond effectively even when feeling fear.

And this is the kicker. This is why Max is likely screwed as a result of the events of Life is Strange, especially in a Sacrifice Chloe setting. Because Max blames herself and her time travel for the Storm and all the weird shit that happened. She may very well believe that if she uses time travel for any reason, it will result in the Storm and a lot more people dying. And this will get in the way of being in a healthy environment to avoid PTSD.

First, consider friends and family. Max can't tell them what happened because she has absolutely no proof of what she went through. She can't prove her time travel because if she does then she dooms wherever she is and a lot of people die. (It doesn't matter if this is the case or not, she assumes it is true.) So Max is not going to confide in Warren or Dana or Victoria or anyone. She can't. And she's quite likely going to isolate herself because we have already seen at the start of the game, Max is a bit of a loner who doesn't have many friends.

In fact, her two "friends" are Warren (who she feels threatened by due to his attraction to her, as seen by his inclusion in her Nightmare sequence including learning he doctored photos of her to include himself in the picture, his peeping activities on the second day, and the honestly-creepy "Go Ape" thing), and Kate. Kate is going through her own shit and Max remembers Kate killing herself. Is Max going to unload her own issues on someone going through a lot of shit as well or is she going to swallow her problems so not to trouble her friend? And Warren is someone she feels nervous around and who has engaged in some activities that set up warning flags in her psyche. Further, when she told Warren the truth, he promptly blames her time travel on fucking everything up. In short, she trusted Warren and Warren said "you caused all this destruction." (Even if Max initially blames herself, he reinforces that point of view before Max jumps through the photo to save Chloe.)

Nor can I see her telling her parents. Again, she has no proof. Her parents are overprotective already. If she starts going off on this fanciful tale, are they going to believe her? Or are they going to assume their daughter is cracking and force her into therapy and possibly hospitalize her "for her own good" (and thus she ends up medicated and miserable, having lost her autonomy and agency)? It doesn't matter if they wouldn't as Max will worry this could happen. It is better to never say a thing. So Max internalizes everything. And we already see evidence that Max has done this sort of thing in the past. Max keeps her secrets close to her heart. She never told her parents of the time travel even when she could have had proof. So why tell them after Chloe died?

I have been overcoming my PTSD by revisiting it and working through it. Part of this was guided by therapy. Max would not be in a position to talk about this. And how could she? After all, she didn't find Rachel Amber's body (and we have no proof her body is uncovered in a Sacrifice Chloe setting). She didn't see the Storm. She didn't see most of the incidents. The closest that happened was being in the bathroom when Chloe was shot. And her story of what happened would change from the week that beta-Max was in charge and when Max Prime returned to the timeline. So even if she was talking to a school counselor? She'd quickly learn that her story changed and probably shut up and stop seeing them so not to give away her story.

Remember: Max cannot admit to the time travel because doing so means either killing hundreds of people due to the Storm or being locked away for being crazy because she has no proof.

Next, we have feeling good about her actions. For five days Max had hammered into her skull her actions have consequences. More, those consequences are predominantly bad. Far too often Max has to Rewind to fix things from her actions. If she can't Rewind? That means by acting, she's going to fuck things up. In fact, the fundamental aspect of Sacrifice Chloe states that her action to save Chloe caused all of this destruction. Max is going to second-guess herself constantly.

I mean, if she sees Kate on the roof again at a later point (because women who are the victims of crimes are often blamed by society for the crimes inflicted against them as seen time and time again with how we blame victims of sexual harassment and rape for the crimes committed against them, so of course her church and mother and aunt will continue to blame Kate for what she went through), will Max dare to act? If she does, then she might cause another Storm. She might cause damage. If Kate is on that rooftop again, maybe she was supposed to die. Who does Max think she is by trying to stop Destiny?

So yeah. Max is not going to feel good about her actions. She is going to second-guess herself. She already had that tendency at the start of the game, and Sacrifice Chloe hammers down the truth that action is bad. Better to do nothing and not interact.

We end up with Avoidance. Well, what is the biggest Avoidance? Photography. Max already has a murderer who kidnapped her associated with photography. She remembers being in the Dark Room, being powerless in the face of the man who murdered her Chloe. (Just like she murdered her Chloe. She might not have pulled the trigger, but she caused Chloe's death.) She will see Chloe's death and Rachel's death and her own suffering each time she looks at a camera and remembers Mark Jefferson. More, she knows if she focuses on a photograph she could end up traveling through time and causing the Storm. So she can't even enjoy pictures anymore because they are a threat.

That's not to say that the Sacrifice Chloe setting is all dark and dire. She does have music. She loves music. So if she puts aside the camera she might pick up her guitar and embrace music. (Hannah Telle, Max's VA, once speculated that Max would enter a career in music, probably due partly to her own musical inclinations.) So while she might give up her greatest loves, she might eventually embrace a future in music. I doubt she'd ever play in public but... that might be an outlet for a hurting soul.

Now, I've gone on at length about how dire things are for Max in a Sacrifice Chloe setting, but what about Sacrifice Arcadia Bay? Well, things end up a bit more positive in this setting because she can actually talk about going through some of these things. For instance, Max dug up a body with Chloe. She saw Chloe almost shot by Nathan in the bathroom. She saw Kate attempt suicide (whether or not she stopped it is immaterial to the suicide attempt). She learned that a trusted teacher and mentor was in fact a predator who was kidnapping young women, saw pictures of these crimes, and thus "suffers flashbacks visualizing herself in this setting." She can go to therapy and talk about many things she cannot in a Sacrifice Chloe setting and in doing so she can start to work through elements that could result in PTSD developing.

She can also talk to Chloe about what happened. Chloe knows about the time travel. She knows about almost dying (and Max witnessing Chloe's death multiple times). This gives Max a needed outlet for overcoming her own fears and concerns. But more importantly is this: Chloe is likely to tell Max to face down her fears. Chloe is the person who always pushed Max to try new things. And I honestly cannot see that changing as a result of what they went through.

Max also will learn to feel good about her actions. I mean, she chose Chloe over Arcadia Bay. This is the ultimate action, and while she may feel remorse for those deaths and that destruction... she also knows she saved Chloe and Chloe is by her side. She knows that her actions led to the capture and arrest of Mark Jefferson and saving Victoria Chase's life. Hell, it led to David Madsen (and probably a couple Arcadia Bay police officers) surviving the Storm because they were in the Dark Room at the time of the Storm. Her actions have consequences... and those consequences need not be dire. They can be beneficial.

So the Max of Sacrifice Arcadia Bay has a support group, she has access to therapy and can talk about some of the things she went through, she has someone she loves who believes her, she knows that her actions have benefit, she has someone who urges her to move forward. This isn't to say she won't have PTSD... but she is in a far better environment to overcome this to the point that in Life is Strange 2, we learn (in the Save Chloe timeline) that Max is submitting to galleries and that Chloe is still with her. So she's taking pictures and is in a good place in her life.

Now, what about Chloe? After all, Chloe went through some truly horrific shit herself. Chloe was almost shot by Nathan, she almost got hit by a train, she was threatened by Frank, she dug up the body of a girl she truly cared for, dozens of yards from where she was hanging out regularly, she saw a huge-ass Tornado wipe out her home town and kill her mother... yeah, Chloe's been through some horrific stuff, about as horrific as Max. More, she is in an unhealthy position at the time of the game.

But much of what benefits Max in the Save Chloe timeline also benefits Chloe. She can talk to a therapist. She has Max by her side. She has Max by her side and Max out-and-out chose her over hundreds of people. Joyce chose David over her, and for four years Chloe was in an unsafe environment. Rachel was... Rachel, and she was cheating on Chloe anyway. But Max... Max comes back, she saves her life several times, she helps Chloe time and time again, and at the end she chose Chloe over Arcadia Bay. That is big. That is bigger than big, it is... for once, Chloe was told "you are important." I mean, I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking of how big this is. Chloe has realized just how much Max loves her.

So... Chloe might develop PTSD. She is at risk of it. I think her triggers might similar to Max's - both girls probably will freak over thunderstorms for a while, and both may develop an aversion toward guns... at first I thought they'd differ but really, they'd align fairly well. About the only trigger issue Max would have Chloe doesn't has to do with photography (which is why Chloe is the person who'd help Max overcome any such issues).

[jillianreneewriting]

Ok, Hear Me Out...

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST RANT AHEAD (specifically about Emma Watson and Dan Stevens 2017 remake).

Ok. So. I think I do this rant much better justice in my podcast (yes I plan on being more active again and uploading my podcast episodes as they come out here as well, though in the meantime they are available on Patreon and Spotify but I'll make a separate post about that later), but I still want to impart this wisdom upon others ASAP.

So for background, yesterday in my open discussion creative writing workshop course (we haven't started workshops yet so we're just discussing different topics each week, example this week was mostly characters) and we came upon the topic of tropes and how we raise the stakes, and suddenly I made a GIANT connection that I hadn't made in the past 4 years about this one movie. And now I can't get it out of my head - hence this post.

Before I explain where I'm going with this, please listen to just this snippet of Days in the Sun from Beauty and the Beast (2017), and keep it in mind as you continue to read onwards. (skip to 1:27 to get to the lines I'm talking about here. The segment ends at 1:55)

"I was innocent and certain, now I'm wiser - but unsure.

I can't go back into my childhood, one that my father made secure...

I can feel a change in me, I'm stronger now but still not free..."

A bit more background... as a reminder, this song begins, as Belle is tending to Prince Adam/The Beast's wounds after he saved her from the wolves. This is the turning point of the entire story, this is when she starts to notice that he isn't all roughness and rudeness. This is not entirely where I am going with this though.

We have all grown up knowing that Beauty and the Beast was a beautiful love story. There have been many adaptations for books, movies, musicals, and television shows, but one thing remains the same - that it is a romance. Period. Why do I bring this up? Because of having this knowledge going into this movie every time I've watched it for the past four years, I never noticed what I finally did yesterday.

Perhaps no other telling of this story is supposed to be like this (though I'm definitely going to do some digging and see if there's anyone else with similar thoughts and if so what their thoughts are on other popular remakes/adaptations), but even without this song, without these three specific lines being written by Alan Menken, it is clear that this telling is no longer the simple romance that we see the original story as, but instead, something much - much deeper, that anyone of any age can connect incredibly deeply with.

No, instead I think its main theme is the crossing of the threshold from being a girl, from being a child, to being an adult and young woman. This song merely reinforces it, if not screams at the audience "hey, pay attention to me, listen to my words, LOOK I'M NOT JUST A ROMANCE, I'M IMPORTANT." It quite literally in this regard, is a coming of age story, a coming of age romance.

Yes, Belle is supposed to be 17 according to Disney. She is an adult already age wise when the story starts, especially according to the time period this remake is set in - supposedly in the mid 1700s. But according to everyone around her, she is far from an adult. She lives alone with her father, she spends her time reading and inventing, and trying to teach children to read. She rebukes every advance from Gaston, seemingly the only "eligible bachelor" in their little town, their quiet village. None of this is what people would think of an adult woman would act like. She is far from considered to be an adult in their society.

In Days in the Sun, she addresses this herself when she refers to everything that had happened before that point in time, before she arrived at the castle, before her father left their home, as her childhood. She has stepped into the unknown, she has left her home, her father, everything she's ever known. Due to her forced separation from her father and her "provincial life," she is forced to grow up - and with that, we see her own character development, alongside Prince Adam's. When Gaston rounds up the villagers and goes to kill Adam, and Belle finally is able to get to the castle, she isn't just rebuking Gaston anymore, she is completely standing up to him, snapping his arrows in half - she is fending for both herself and for Adam, which is something she may not have had the instinct to do before her "crossing the threshold" into adulthood, into womanhood.

She never fully conforms to how most would expect a woman to act as an adult would. She continues her reading, Emma Watson herself had gripes about the lack of a scene she had wanted to end the movie, of them opening up the library to the public and her teaching young girls to read. She never gives up her passions, but instead embraces both the change, the uncertainty, alongside the interests she clearly displayed since the first mere minutes of the movie.

Moral of the story: 2017's Beauty and the Beast starring Emma Watson, Kevin Kline, Luke Evans, and Dan Stevens, isn't *just* a romance. Instead its main theme or focal point may indeed be the crossing of the threshold between childhood innocence and surety, to adulthood, loss of innocence, and uncertainty - the fear of the unknown. Just with a healthy sprinkling of romance thrown into the mix.

"I was innocent, and certain, now I'm wiser - but unsure,

I can't go back into my childhood, one that my father made secure,

I can feel a change in me, I'm stronger now but still not free..."

- sincerely, an English major who might be taking critique and reviews a bit too seriously...

[running-in-the-dark]

okay so

I want to get better. I feel so bad most of the time. most of all I'm just so, so tired. always. I don't remember the last time I felt well rested* and it's so hard to do anything like this

but I really have no idea what to do about it anymore? my GP doesn't care. I've tried to talk to her about this so many times and she keeps dismissing me (I'm 'young and healthy' according to her 🙃). I've been trying to find a new GP for years but no one is accepting new patients (I'm only calling specific ones that have been recommended to me, because there really would be no point switching if the new one is just as useless - I could probably find someone if I didn't care what they're like).

there's probably things you're supposed to do in a situation like this but I really don't know, and I'm so overwhelmed and to be honest I'm also afraid there really is nothing wrong and I'm just a lazy idiot who needs to get their shit together and just fucking do things. like just don't sleep all day, just don't fall asleep all the time, just. I don't know, make my brain be able to think again 😭 maybe if I tried harder and wanted it more I'd be able to do it 😭

*actually it was a few days ago after I took Lorazepam for an MRI, and then slept like 8 hours. it was amazing. but about an hour or two later I was already tired again so it doesn't really count imo

[indiacater]

UNFINISHED CHAPTER

I have made the decision to completely redo this story. I just wasn't feeling connected to how the story was currently going. The way I was writing it no longer felt authentic to my style. And I will admit that I'm a perfectionist with my stories (who on this platform isn't?) So the remake will be posted after the new year. Outlaw will still continue and I do have another story in the works. In the meantime here is the unfinished chapter of addicted.

Tagging: @ao719 @desireepow-1986 @emceesynonymroll @dcbbw @bebepac @cordonianroyalty @texaskitten30 @glaimtruelovealways @kingliam2019 @bobasheebaby

Addicted ch.2

A week after meeting with the King and Lord Darren, Dr. Sugar was preparing to meet with the selected people for his insight intake. He looked at his pad and saw that he'll be first talking to Liam’s personal guard, Andrew. Then it was Duchess Olivia, who grew up with both Liam and Naima. Then lastly meeting with young Mr. Drake Walker, who also grew up with both Liam and Naima, and is Liam’s closest friend. As James continued to prepare he thought more of his opinion of the situation he was brought into. With what Constantine and Darren had told them Liam and Naima were expressing a healthy, yet reckless sexual relationship. However when both men mentioned the intimacy between the two didn’t start until after the deaths of their mothers. “Replacing emotional anguish with physical distractions is common, and a healthy coping mechanism.” He thought to himself. Yet he couldn’t shake the curious intrigue of this case. James thought back as he left the palace after meeting with Constantine and Darren, and seeing Liam and Naima their behavior would seem addictive in perspective but really looking at their actions they were more of overzealous newlyweds on their wedding night. Dr. Sugar chuckled at the thought and decided to speak with Liam and Naima before his sessions. 

THE NEXT DAY

Dr. Sugar arrived a short time before his meeting with Andrew, as he set up his notes for the day he asked the palace staff of Liam and Naima’s whereabouts. Most advised him to steer clear of them, unless you walked in on them. Eventually he learned that they were in the adjacent library on the bottom floor as he approached he overheard an already strained conversation going on. 

“Why do you need to head back today?” Said a man’s voice between breathlessly. “Come on just stay one more day. Let me convince you again.”

“I don’t need to be convinced anymore. I really do need to head back to the Valtoria estate.” A female voice responded. “Besides there some guy hovering outside the door.” 

Upon hearing that James kept his head low as he walked in. Trying to keep his composure he addressed them. 

“Good afternoon your highness, your grace. I’m Dr-"

“Who are you speaking too? Us or that floor?” Naima interrupted. “We’re fully dressed now.

Feeling slightly more embarrassed James lifted his head and continued. “Apologies. I'm Dr.  James Sugar. Your fathers had hired my services to help you both. I’m meeting with some friends of yours to get a better idea of what I’m being brought in for.” James began to feel that meeting them at this point was a regrettable choice as he assess the looks of both Liam and Naima. With Liam he looked irritated by him being there, where Naima was more of a curious indifference. Feeling he already done this much he might as well finish. “I was hoping to meet the both of you beforehand and just introduce myself and plan ahead on when we can meet. Preferably I would to meet with you individually--" noticing Liam hard stare, immediately corrected himself. “Or if you’re more comfortable meeting together, I’m okay with that as well.” James finished. 

A brief intense silence followed. Eventually Naima got up and pulled out a card from her bag and handed it to James as she got up and walked halfway out the door. “My personal estate number is on the bottom. Try to schedule something with me before the end of the week.” Naima spoke in a serious yet nonchalant tone. “A pleasure Dr. Sugar.” And with that she walked out. 

Liam rushed to follow her but got halfway out the door before James called out to him. “Your Highness?!” Liam stopped abruptly and turned to James with subtle annoyance. “I still have time before my sessions begin. Why don’t we chat for a bit and schedule our session in the meantime?” James continued as he sat down. Liam hesitated at the door, then throws up his arm and grabs a chair.

“Seeing that you’re on our father’s  payroll and determined to be in our business.” Liam scolds as he sits down. “Sure let’s chat.”

James straighten up and started with a softball. “Okay I won’t beat around the bush then. Are you or her grace aware of why I was brought in to talk to the two of you?” 

“Who cares.” Liam answered as he leaned back in his chair. “Our father’s really need to mind their business of what goes on with me and Naima.”

“Well according to your father specifically, the two of you have a habit of making your business public for all to see.” James retorted, not intending to making it sound as rude as it did. He expected the young prince to be more agitated but instead Liam stood up and smiled. 

“That’s why you’re here?” Liam asked, sarcastically. “Because Naima and I have sex? That’s a pretty low excuse to force Naima and I to meet with a therapist. I’m sure you can understand.”

James shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t disagree with that. However from what I have been told so far and from what I have briefly witnessed during my last visit, one can’t help but to be curious.” James noticed Liam’s demeanor soften slightly as he continued. “Normally any other psychiatrist would just roll over and beg at the hand that’s feeding them just to use the opportunity to bolster their reputation.”

“We should be so lucky.” Liam said with a hint of sarcasm. “Well doctor Sugar I shouldn’t keep you from you appointments. Feel free to get in touch with my father’s assistant to plan our appointment after confirming a date with Naima.” With that Liam got up, curtly bowed his head and left the room. 

With a deep breath James got up and left to start his profile interview.

ANDREW

Liam’s personal guard was first. James figured that he more than anyone had seen the progression of this relationship and would be the perfect person to begin this fun journey. He arrived shortly after 11am and kept a stoic façade. 

“Good morning, Andrew." Dr. Sugar began. “I appreciate you having the time to meet with me. Albeit it was at his majesty’s request but know it is appreciated.”

Andrew answered in a slight nod.

“Good.” Dr. Sugar said as he cleared his throat. “As you know Prince Liam and Lady Naima are the reason we're speaking today. I want to get your insight of their “relationship”. As you know them from a young age is there anything you would want me to know?” 

Andrew sat up in his seat and sighed. “Contrary to what you've been informed of. I’ve only been his highness’s personal guard for the past three years. Before that I was a mere palace guard. I only became Prince Liam’s personal guard due to having the most run in with him and lady Naima.”

Doctor Sugar looked through his notes to search a particular topic. Looking back at Andrew. “Can you give me an idea how their relationship came to be?”

Andrew shrugged. “They’ve known each other since they were kids and younger than that. Their mothers were very close and  would often have play dates. Just around a year before I became Liam’s guard is when I walked in on the making out. Just innocent stuff. About six months after I took the position I walked in on them in more progressive activities”

James looked down at his notes again. “What can you tell me about the headmistress incident(1)?”

Andrew’s eyes widen slightly. “I’m afraid that is classified. You could speak to his majesty or his highness, but I’m afraid I can’t help you there.”

The rest of the session went on smoothly. Dr. Sugar was able to learn that Liam and Naima graduated at the same time and would go off for days at a time together, but he wasn’t privy to give out that information. He did mention that there was an incident with Liam’s closest friend, Drake Walker (2).

Olivia

To say that Olivia frightened James was an understatement, it also unnerved him watching her toy with a stiletto blade.

“Thank you for sitting down with me Duchess.” He said, trying to mask any timidity in his voice.

“I really didn’t have much of a choice.” Olivia responded. “So what does my being here have to do with Liam?”

“I’m aware that you’re close with both Liam and Naima. What can you tell me about that?”

Olivia sits up straighter and places her blade down on the table. “I practically grew up with Liam. After my parents died I went to live at the palace until I came of age to rule Lythikos on my own. As for Naima she was around, we were sparring partners for a time, we attended the same schools. I wasn't that close to her."

"Hmmmm." James hummed. "Your Grace. If I may be so bold to ask have you had and romantic feelings towards Prince Liam?"

"Yes. It is bold of you to ask." Olivia replied, coldly. She remained quiet for a solid minute before breathing out a huge sigh. "If you're curious if I ever acted on those feelings then yes."

James eyes widen slightly as he leaned forward. "How did you act on them and how receptive was the Prince?"

"Last summer." Olivia began. "Naima was visiting her grandparents in America. They both were sick and didn't have long. So Naima was there for most of the summer. He and Naima would still chat in the morning and in the evening, but I noticed Liam becoming antsy. I seemed them together during Liam's girlfriend's incident (2). So one day I found him in the middle of self gratification and took advantage of the situation. Then we hooked up a few more times. I thought he finally noticed me, but sadly I was being naive."

"What makes you see that you were naive?" James asked curiously. Olivia shuddered a sigh and then responded.

"During the last time were together intimately."

[chillyravenart]

Hi, I'm curious about your opinion on a seldom discussed asoiaf matter: Rhaegar Targaryen's relationship with his mother, Rhaella. It's bugging me since there's little to no mention of it in any of the books. Safe to assume that Viserys was close to her, her crown was his last joy according to Dany. Dany herself sadly doesn't count, she only has stories about their mom. But Rhaegar has plenty of years. He must have seen her misery as well. Surely he didn't just stand aside and did nothing right?

It's a seldom discussed matter for a reason, we simply don't have enough material on their relationship and only mere snippets on them entirely. I have opinions and views of my own, but none of them are fully backed up by canon- because the info just doesn’t exist :( 

Rhaegar was born to thirteen-year old Rhaella during the Tragedy at Summerhall- an event that was said to overshadow him throughout his life. As per royal etiquette, I can only assume that baby Rhaegar was brought up by wetnurses and tutored by maesters as a child, with limited access to his mother. This would have been exacerbated by the fact that within the first eleven years of Rhaegar’s life, Rhaella lost FIVE babies. Her role was to provide Aerys with heirs and spares, and for a very long time, it ended in grief. I’m sure Rhaegar would have known of his mother’s misery, but there’s literally nothing to illustrate that point. Royal children did not share the same maternal relationship as children today, and whilst I’m certain Rhaella loved her firstborn, I just don’t know if they were super close on account of her losses, as well as Aerys’ increasing madness. 

I’ve done some rambling below the cut just to try and explore this further. Hope it makes sense lol!

To start off with, Rhaella and Aerys’ marriage was never a happy one. Aerys was unfaithful, and Rhaella clearly disapproved.

Sadly, the marriage between Aerys II Targaryen and his sister, Rhaella, was not as happy; though she turned a blind eye to most of the king’s infidelities, the queen did not approve of his “turning my ladies into his whores.”

This led Rhaella to eventually dismiss her friend and lady-in-waiting Joanna Lannister, who as everyone knows, married Aerys’ Hand, Tywin Lannister. Her marriage suffered as did her health when she lost 5 babies in a ten year period.

Relations between the king and queen grew even more strained when Rhaella proved unable to give Aerys any further children. Miscarriages in 263 and 264 were followed by a stillborn daughter born in 267. Prince Daeron, born in 269, survived for only half a year. Then came another stillbirth in 270, another miscarriage in 271, and Prince Aegon, born two turns premature in 272, dead in 273.

This tidbit had escaped me entirely but when Tytos Lannister died in 267AC, Tywin returned west and Aerys accompanied him with Rhaegar.

Though His Grace left the queen behind in King’s Landing (Her Grace was pregnant with the child who proved to be the stillborn Princess Shaena), he took their eight-year-old son Rhaegar, Prince of Dragonstone, and more than half the court. For the better part of the next year, the Seven Kingdoms were ruled from Lannisport and Casterly Rock, where both the king and his Hand were in residence…

This highlights a period of almost a year where Rhaella and Rhaegar were separated. Again, I can only assume they missed each other- as any mother and child would- but nothing is written of it. It was also during this time that Aerys’ relationship with Rhaella began to show cracks.

At first His Grace comforted Rhaella in her grief, but over time his compassion turned to suspicion. By 270 AC, he had decided that the queen was being unfaithful to him…

Aerys began imposing restrictions on Rhaella at this stage, forbidding her to leave Maegor’s Holdfast and having two septas share her bed. This probably extended to her relationship with Rhaegar too, sadly.

The march of the king’s madness seemed to abate for a time in 274 AC, when Queen Rhaella gave birth to a son. So profound was His Grace’s joy that it seemed to restore him to his old self once again … but Prince Jaehaerys died later that same year, plunging Aerys into despair….

Nothing is mentioned of Rhaegar during these troubling times, but again, I can only assume he was kept separate from the inner workings of the queen’s court and wasn’t fully exposed to his mother’s troubles. We also know he was a solitary child during his early years and preferred books until the age of ten when he decided to take up arms too. He was seventeen when Viserys was born, and was “everything that could be wanted in an heir apparent” and yet it was still overcast by Aerys’ deteriorating mental health. It’s also worthy of note that once Rhaegar came of age, his role in the workings of the court would have increased; he may have sat at council meetings and been prepared for the role of heir. This paired with the fact that he continued to read, train vigorously, and travel to Summerhall on his own indicates that he didn’t really have much of a “family environment” to speak of. I always wonder where he got his love of music from, and I’d like to think Rhaella enjoyed his sad songs and harp skills- but again, WE DON’T KNOW :’(

The birth of Prince Viserys only seemed to make Aerys II more fearful and obsessive, however. Though the new young princeling seemed healthy enough, the king was terrified lest he suffer the same fate as his brothers… Even the queen herself was forbidden to be alone with the infant…

I don’t think Rhaella and Viserys were as close as could be hoped during Viserys’ early childhood. Aerys was extremely paranoid, particularly after the defiance of Duskendale which broke him irrevocably and turned him against his wife and heir.

Convinced that the smallfolk and lords were plotting against his life and fearing that even Queen Rhaella and Prince Rhaegar might be part of these plots, he reached across the narrow sea to Pentos and imported a eunuch named Varys to serve as his spymaster…

Similarly, when Rhaegar wed Elia in 280AC, Aerys did not attend, nor did he allow Viserys to attend. Since there’s no mention of Rhaella being prohibited, we can safely assume that she was in attendance.

They were wed the following year, in a lavish ceremony at the Great Sept of Baelor in King’s Landing, but Aerys II did not attend. He told the small council that he feared an attempt upon his life if he left the confines of the Red Keep, even with his Kingsguard to protect him. Nor would he allow his younger son, Viserys, to attend his brother’s wedding…

Rhaegar and Elia took up residence on Dragonstone after the wedding, presumably because Rhaegar and Aerys were definitely at odds at this stage and rumours and paranoia were rampant. There were talks of Aerys possibly disinheriting Rhaegar, Rhaegar deposing Aerys etc. Again, no clue on how Rhaella would have felt about this- but you can probably guess! The only slight snippet we have is when Rhaegar presented Rhaenys in court.

When Prince Rhaegar returned to the Red Keep to present his daughter to his own mother and father, Queen Rhaella embraced the babe warmly…

This certainly gives us an insight to how pleased Rhaella would have been to be a grandma, so I can imagine this reunion would have been very dear to her too. Fast forward to the Tourney at Harrenhal, neither Rhaella or Viserys were present, and had been left behind at the Red Keep. During the Rebellion, we know Rhaegar meant to win the war and bring about change- for his own family too, “... changes will be made. I meant to do it long ago, but... well, it does no good to speak of roads not taken…”

But when Rhaegar was slain at the Trident,

When the word reached court, Aerys packed the queen off to Dragonstone with Prince Viserys…

Nothing is mentioned of her reaction to her firstborn’s death (but we can imagine) nor the nine months Rhaella and Viserys spent together, but it must have been a time fraught with worry and fear as King’s Landing fell and House Targaryen was unmade. I feel most deeply for Rhaella’s life, and I wish we had more detail on her direct relationship with her children- particularly Rhaegar- but alas, there is not much to work with. All I can say is, despite her woes and losses and the abuse she suffered, Rhaella was a strong woman, she held her own and was dignified until the end. I’m certain she adored all her children, and the pain she suffered throughout her life affected her acutely, but she remained with her faculties intact and was able to possess the fortitude to carry Daenerys to full-term and deliver her safely, before sadly perishing herself. 

RIP Rhaella, your daughter is amazing and you would be so proud of her, and Rhaegar’s legacy also lives on. VIVA LA HOUSE TARGARYEN!!!! I really hope this answered your question, if not, it certainly made me sad AF to research all this.

[ellanainthetardis]

Uh uh... what about Lyssa being single, and she, in fact, does want Haymitch, and she flirts with him trying to get him in her bed and Effie is all crazy, and sad because she knows that when Lyssa wants someone, she has them. It's not like Effie has told her that she's in love with Haymitch so Lyssa doesn't think that she's hurting Effie. And in the end, Haymitch is like "I'm sorry, but I don't want you" and then goes after Effie.

Here you go ! |x]

Of Sisters, Bending & Pool Tables

“Well. I am separated. No matter what Mothersays, our marriage cannot be mended.I am entitled to some fun now.” Lyssa huffed, jutting her chin in the air. “Rufus certainly never let a little thinglike marriage stop him from finding alover.”

Effie toasted to that, happy that her sisterseemed to have found her backbone at last. Tired of being cheated upon maybeor, perhaps, it was the fact that the last affair had been made public in a fewgossip rags. Lyssandra had grabbed her children, slammed the door and showed upat their parents’ house. Needless to say their mother had been desperate tosalvage the situation as best as possible by urging Lyssa to go back and letRufus apologize. He was wealthy and powerful, asking for faithfulness was goinga little too far according to her.

Effie had unfortunately been present for thelatest lecture and had cringed when Elindra had pointed out that she didn’t want to know what theirfather did behind her back as long as he was discreet about it. She had takenpity on her sister and had invited her to come along to a Games party.

The new victor, the rude girl from Seven whohad pretended to be weak only to come at the tributes with an axe when theyslept, was in the clinic still and the Gamemakers filled the time with partiesand interviews so it was the right time to go out and celebrate.

Of course, Effie had remembered why she seldom went out with Lyssandra when shehad picked her sister up. Lyssa looked so fabulous in her blue muslin dressthat Effie felt underdressed. Heads and eyes had turned on her sister’s wakewhen they had entered the party and she was very aware that more than a fewpeople were eyeing them. Or, she supposed, Lyssa.

“Good for you.” Effie smiled nonethelessbecause her sister was upset and she needed the attention more than Effie didat that moment. “You should findsomeone else. When was the last time you even had good sex?”

“Oh, Effie!” Lyssa half-chided, half-giggled.“How improper! Shocking!”

“You’re being shocking behind my back, sweetheart?”a familiar voice snortedbehind her and Effie didn’t startleexactly but she stood a little straighter.

Lyssa instantly turned on the charm. “Hello,Haymitch. How nice to see you again.”

Effie chanced a glance over her shoulder at hervictor, disappointed that Chaff wasn’t with him for once – and she had neverthought she would ever feel that way.Haymitch, as it turned out, was smiling back. Not smirking but smiling withsomething akin to fondness.

“Lyssa, right?” he asked, outstretching a hand.“You’re Effie’s sister?”

Trust him to remember that when she couldn’t get him to remember a sponsor’s name formore than two minutes.

He must have seen Lyssandra three times in all.In ten years, she had been very carefulto keep them separate.

Lyssa shook his hand, her smile brightening.“You remember me.”

“You’re hard to forget.” he answered.

Effie almost rolled her eyes. Annoyed by thehandshake that was stretching to long, she bumped her hip against Haymitch’s. Accidentally, it went without saying.

“And what are you up to, this evening,Haymitch?” Lyssandra asked, tilting her head to the side. “Effie claims you arealways involved in some mischief. We could use some mischief tonight. Isn’tthat so, dear?”

The question was directed at her so Effielifted her eyebrows. “It depends on the mischief.”

Haymitch clearly hesitated. Effie wasn’t surewhat was planned – and with the victors something was always planned between the Games and the Crowning – but heobviously didn’t want to invite them along, which was just as well. Her hemight have brought if she had nagged him long enough but her sister wasn’t partof the group and…

“Drinks and pool in a bar downtown.” heoffered. “We can find more mischief after if that’s not enough for you.”

“Oh, downtown!”Lyssa clapped in delight. “How deliciously scandalous!I haven’t been in years. Effie, let’s go with him!”

Effie looked at him and he shrugged hispermission. That was easy. Too easy. “Who else will be there?”

“Chaff. Finnick. Beetee… Maybe Blight if he canget away.” he replied. “Look, you don’t want to come, that’s fine. Stay here.I’ll take good care of your sis…”

“Certainly not.”she huffed. “I will not abandon my sister to Chaff’s grabby paws.”

“He only has the one hand, you know.” hesnorted, his grey eyes sparkling with amusement.

“And yet he is very talented at pretending to be an octopus when it comes to groping defenseless women.” she deadpanned without a blink.

“Youain’t defenseless.” he mocked before turning to Lyssa. “And I’ll protect you.No need to be scared of Chaff.”

“Why wouldI be scared of Chaff?” Lyssandra dismissed with a flirty smile. “He is not whoI am interested in.”

Effie almost gasped.

Could she be even plainer?

Granted, she had agreed Lyssa should find aone-night-stand but…

“Right…” Haymitch said and, for the first time,he didn’t sound so smooth. If she hadn’t known better, Effie would have thoughthe was uncomfortable now. He offered her his arm – out of reflex, she was sure,she had trained him well after all – and she grabbed it before Lyssa could.Unfortunately, her sister didn’t take the hint and linked her elbow with hisother one.

Effie made a point of sitting next to Haymitchin the car but that only left Lyssa facing him and that meant they could talkmore easily.

Lyssandra was flirting and Haymitch wasteasing.

Effie wanted to strangle someone long beforethey even reached the bar.

As luck would have it, the other victors hadalready escaped the party and had grabbed a table in a corner. The bar wasshady and it made Lyssa hesitate but Effie, used by now to their choices ofvenues, marched on straight to the table and grabbed the shot of tequila thatwas waiting in front of Finnick without even a proper hello. She didn’t feelmuch better once she had drunk it and Finnick’s raised eyebrow meant she wouldprobably have to explain herself at some point.

“Well, hello to you too, love.” Chaff snorted.“Didn’t know you were coming…”

And he wasn’t pleased about it but Effieignored that and smiled, ready to apologize for her rudeness when all the eyesturned away from her and she knew, without having to check, that her sister wasstanding behind her. Even Beetee, who was by far the oldest man at the tableand also very much taken, was staring.

Since he was too busy gawking at her sister,Effie decided Chaff wouldn’t miss his shotof tequila and downed that one too. Haymitch’s hand was resting at the small ofLyssa’s back and Effie was dying to say something she had no right to say.

Introductions were swept out of the way quicklywhile Finnick rushed to grab chairs for them. The fact that Lyssa sat rightnext to Haymitch and that she was batting her eyelashes at him wasn’t lost onanyone.

Chaff went to grab his glass, found it empty andtossed her a knowing look.

“Your sister knows she’s stepping all over yourtoes?” he snorted in a miraculously lowvoice.

“I do notknow what you mean.” she snapped right back and pointedly turned to Finnick,leaving Haymitch and Chaff to compete for Lyssandra’s attention. Even Beeteewas desperate to buy her a drink, it seemed, but she was secured in the factFinnick had been crushing on her eversince he won and…

…she felt extremely disappointed when he jumpedon the seduce Lyssa bandwagon.

At long last, she finished her drink all thewhile trying not to listen to the general flirting and eventually stood up togo hustle money she didn’t need out of unsuspecting gullible men.

She liked pool, she was good at it and nobodyever thought she would win because she was too pretty.

The two guys she beat to dust were young andhad thought she would be an easy prey. Still, she felt bad about taking theirmoney because they weren’t in the richest part of town and those people clearlyweren’t healthy. She settled for their cigarettes instead because she didn’thave hers.

She was just lighting one and fighting the urgenot to look toward the victors’ tablewhen she felt a hand on her back, wandering dangerously low for a public place.

“Take it off.” she warned, knowing perfectlywell who it was.

The man was close enough that she could smellhim and he smelled like whiskey, cheap soap and faint sweat.

“Ain’t that my line?” he snorted in her ear,stealing the cue from her hand. “That dress would look better off, alright…”

She pursed her lips, narrowed her eyes, blewout smoke and crossed her arms, the cigarette carefully angled between herfingers so she wouldn’t burn herself. “Are you seriously flirting with me right now?”

He shot her a warning glance. “I don’t flirt.”

Flirting was too close to admitting heactually liked her, she supposed.

“You certainly flirt with my sister.” sheretorted, waiting for him to lose the shot before snatching her cue back, hercigarette held tight between her lips. She bent over the table to take thewinning one band restart another game. She felt him staring at her ass andregretted, not for the first time, the lack of pool tables in the penthouse.They could have had fun with one. Or, at least, they could have had fun with itif he hadn’t been attracted to her sister. “I told you once that if you ever slept with her…”

“I ain’t gonna sleep with her.” he scowled.

“No, you are just going to flirt with her in front of me all night, isn’t that it?” shesnapped. “And when you are done, you will take me to bed and you will thinkabout her while you do unspeakablethings to me. Things, by the way, that she would not let you do. She is quiteconservative in that area.”

He watched her for a few seconds, his faceunreadable, and then grabbed the cue back from her even though it wasn’t yethis turn. He didn’t try to play either.

She wondered if he was drunker than he looked.She would have said buzzed if pressed but buzzed was pretty much normal forhim. The night was young yet.

“I was just being nice.” he said quietly.

“You are nevernice.” she scoffed, looking around for an ashtray. “And certainly not withsponsors.”

He frowned. “She’s your sister and your assholebrother-in-law cheated on her. It’s on every gossip channel. Thought you’d wantme to be nice.” He shrugged and took an angry shot that missed its mark. “Nevermind. Don’t know why I even tried to do something nice for you. Think I likebringing Capitols along to a victorsevening?”

“You bring me often enough.” she retorted,glancing at the table where Finnick and Chaff were competing for Lyssa’sattention. “And they are not complaining.”

“You’re different.” he grumbled.

“She won’t sleep with them.” she warned,finally locating an ashtray on a nearby empty table. It was half-full alreadybut that was the quality of services in that part of town. She crushed hercigarette and turned back to stare at him. “Finnick is too young and Chaff istoo Chaff. You, on the other hand…”

“Ain’t interested.” he said firmly, his eyesnever wandering away from hers.

She wanted to believe him. Oh, how she wanted…

But when it came to Lyssa… Men were never not interested. She had learned that thehard way.

He rolled his eyes. “Come on, Princess. Youknow better. If there’s a woman I want bent in two tonight, it ain’t yoursister.”

“Bent in two?” she repeated with a mockinghuff. “How very confident of you. Iam not in any mood to bend for youtonight, Haymitch.”

He took a step closer, very much in her space,trapping her against the pool table. “Maybe I’ll go down on my knees for youfirst…”

Now, that…

She pouted, her eyes darting from his amusedface – because he knew he had her – to the table in the corner where Lyssa waslaughing at whatever Beetee was saying.

“She ain’t prettier. She ain’t smarter. And sheain’t more attractive.” Haymitch said slowly. “That’s in your head, Effie.”

She flinched but didn’t try to deny it. Shestepped around him because they weren’t exactly inconspicuous pressed togetheragainst a pool table, even if the bar was shady and most people didn’t care –that was why the victors always chose that type of places. Discretion.

She slowly leaned over the table to take thewinning shot, making sure Haymitch had a good view this time.

“Perhaps we can convince the Gamemakers wesimply need a pool table in thepenthouse next year…” she hummed.

His hand briefly ran up her spine and coiledaround her nape in a possessive and affectionate squeeze she pretended not tonotice.

She trusted him, she decided. For this and foreverything else. It might not have been the cleverest move but it was too latenow. She trusted him.

[phoenix1966sbottom]

Hi Phoneix! Do you have any favorite fics discussing the more gloomy, realistic problems between Sam and Dean? Safiyabat's for example (just an example, it doesn't need to be something like that), but non-slash is fine with me. Preferably hurt Sam, and no fixing. Also, if you don't mind, I'm curious what's your idea on their dysfunctional relationship? Thank you! ( I understand this is a fic rec blog, please just ignore my question if you don't feel to answer :)

When I read your first sentence, I immediately thought of Safiyabat for their wincest and gen stories. I haven’t come across many that really focus on the dysfunctional nature of the family relationship as well as their stuff and stays close to canon (there are plenty of serial killer!AUs, etc., for example).

That being said, I have a couple of gloomy ones and ones that just focus on the broken, family dynamic. Hurt!Sam all the way. Heed the warnings where the stories are hosted as there are deathfics in this list, not to mention other disturbing content (also, John and/or Dean are not “good” guys in these stories):

Remember When…by darkroses on Ao3. Sam/Dean, Dean/John. Wincest. John is mysteriously back from the dead and Sam is happy about that until he walks in on his father and Dean. Sam is upset and jealous, so Dean reminds him of times in their past.Sam doesn’t want to think about those times. Dean thinks Sam is playing a game by shying away from him.

Don’t Let Me Know We’re Invisible by mimblexwimble on LiveJournal. Sam/Dean. Wincest. The sex is ambiguous. Sam just can’t cope with the hunting life.

Wild Men Who Caught and Sang the Sun by kroki-refur on adult-fanfiction.org. Sam/Dean. Wincest. Sam is Dean but Dean is not Sam.

What Doesn’t Kill Us by kroki-refur on LiveJournal. Sam/Dean, Sam/John. Wincest. Incest. Heed the warnings on this one! John and Dean use abusive methods to keep Sam in line. (this might be f-locked now)

Talk to Me by darkroses on Ao3. Sam/Dean. Wincest. John walked in on the unthinkable. He never wanted this to happen but he needed answers. He hoped this wasn’t true. He hoped there was another reason.

The Wolf At His Door by goandgetthegun on Ao3. Sam/Dean. Wincest.  Dean wants Sam in every way he shouldn’t, so when he gets an opportunity to have what he wants, he takes it.

The Virgin by darkroses on Ao3. Sam/John (non-con). Wincest. Sixteen year old Sam is on a hunt with his dad, brother, and Bobby. The thing is targeting virgins. John takes matters into his own hands to protect Sam.

And if I show you my dark side by ratherastory on LiveJournal. Sam/Dean. Wincest. Dean will never let Sam go, and Sam knows it. This changes nothing, but it changes everything.

These two are a/b/o by darkroses:

To Have Worth. Sam/Dean. Wincest AU. Dean claims Sam from a young age to be his omega. Sam wasn’t sure how he felt about that. His feelings changed with time. All he wanted was to be worth something. No matter what Sam offered, he could never have what he was searching for.

The Monster in the Shadows. Sam/John, Sam/Dean. Wincest AU. John comes to terms with how to treated Sam after he presented as an omega at the tender age of twelve. He only did what he thought he was right. He can never make up for what he did. He can never change what Sam thinks of him now.

And, finally, a gen one I really liked because it showed how Sam suffered for a decision Dean made (something the show, in my opinion, teases at but never fully resolves. e.g. Dean selling his soul and not really considering what hell he’s condemning his brother to in the process, allows an angel to possess him even though he knows Sam hated every moment of Meg and Lucifer). It goes AU after Dean knocks Sam unconscious and leaves him on the ground in 9X23.

How the Wild Things Start by foolscapper on Ao3. Gen. Sam-centric. "This is where it starts — the brightly lit ring, the screams, the glinting of knives, the baring of teeth. This, right here, is where it begins. Sam turns to Dean, Metatron just a hero’s walk away, and Dean slams his fist into the side of Sam’s face. It will bruise, but that’s not the point. Sam will not face Metatron’s blade and wrath, but that is not the point. The point is, Dean puts Sam’s hands on his chest, the action sickly sweet like perfume left on a tacky, bloated corpse — and then he walks away. He leaves Sam, dreaming black dreams on the ground, just outside of the impala. Baby does not protect him when one of Abaddon’s followers finds him. Baby does not scream for help or look for Dean when the demons drag Sam’s unconscious body away.When Dean leaves Metatron’s burnt-out husk, his bones screaming ecstasy from the kill, he finds Sam gone.“

As for my thoughts on dysfunctional wincest…I’ll put them below the cut so people can skip that if they want.

I started watching the show as it went on the air, so I have had 12 years to mull over all sorts of relationships, etc. Below are my thoughts on wincest in fanon. I am by no means saying it exists in canon or should exist in canon. These are simply my opinions. 

Wincest, to me, was there from the start. You’ve got the father (and one day I will sit down and write out my take on John) who raises his sons as soldiers (I know Sam described them as “warriors” in the pilot, but I suspect the word choice was intentional by the writers. There are rightfully all types of negative connotations to the phrase “child soldier”). Nevertheless, this is how they were raised.

The sons were never given the time or permission to form outside attachments with all the moving around John put the family through. They were taught at a young age to lie, and later to cheat and steal via credit card fraud and pool hustling at the very least (a reason the whitewashing of John’s character in these last few seasons irks me. “I raised you right” was John’s motto? Really? However, that is a discussion for another time)

Dean was given the heavy burden of raising his brother. John stripped him of his childhood and drilled into him to always “take care of Sammy” from a very young age. And that is where I see the seeds of wincest, with the older brother having proprietary feelings for his younger because John placed Sam (literally and figuratively) in Dean’s hands. And, at his end, John placed Sam’s life once more in Dean’s control by urging him to save or kill his younger brother while leaving Sam in the dark about what he knew.

John emphasized family first according to his rules and did not allow them to leave (except, of course, he was allowed to go off and not only father another son, but let that son have the life, including “normal” dad, Sam and Dean ached for). The price of leaving the family (and for college, not to run off to deal drugs, etc.)? Excommunication from the only family/support system Sam was allowed to have. Having made his sons so dependent on the family unit, I wonder if John secretly thought Sam would eventually cave and come crawling back to them (my speculation - nothing in the show overtlypointed to this).

For me, that sealed the deal that Sam and Dean were much like two people trapped on a deserted island, or like siblings trapped in an attic with a parent that was only sporadically present - ripe breeding ground for incestuous thoughts and feelings. No, I don’t for one second see it as a healthy relationship, because the boys were never allowed to know healthy.

Furthermore, Dean was always the controlling partner. I would say to the point of obsessiveness, which is understandable given the pressures that were placed on him by John. In the first season, we get to see Dean isolating Sam from the life he was building outside of the “family”. In “Skin”, he sort of mocks Sam for staying in touch with his friends, making him feel guilty that he is dishonest with them and agrees when Sam rather incredulously asks if he is supposed to just cut them out of his life. By the end of that episode, Sam is resigned to no longer really staying in touch. But Dean, like John, gets to live by different rules. We discover Dean did have a relationship with Cassie while Sam was away, going so far as to break that unspoken rule the family had about not revealing the hunting life to people they aren’t “saving”. That backfired on him, with her ending the relationship. When they meet up again in the first season, he promises to come back to her even though she doesn’t believe they have a chance. He never does return and even ignores Sam’s offer of staying there longer (Sam wanting Dean to have that life he himself had tried to fashion is once again echoed in the promise he extracts from Dean in Swan Song. Notice that when Dean returned from Purgatory [when he was thought dead], he harangued and punished Sam verbally and emotionally for trying for normal once again).

So, the show continued its slow reinforcement of the boys never having successful relationships outside of their tiny family. Sam “fails” at love when almost all his significant others die, and Dean “fails” at love when he is either rejected by them or he feels they are unsafe knowing him (in the latter, he makes one of his unilateral “I know what’s good for you even though this will take away some of your autonomy” decisions and has Lisa & Ben mindwiped. foolscapper did a dark fic au on how that choice played out in the end…ouch)

To me, there is so much fodder to play with in fanon for a twisted, unhealthy relationship with a dark, controlling Dean. Although I read very little written like that, it is my favorite wincest headcanon. This is not to say I don’t enjoy a romanticized version of wincest (because I do very much and it is usually my preferred reading), but, to me, the show enforces an unhealthy, push vs. pull relationship between the two that they will never completely resolve.

As an aside, I also find it almost humorous we all refer to them as “the boys” when they are men (if you take into account their age), as though we subconsciously acknowledge they have not grown up into adults in the conventional sense of the word and probably never will.

They truly are the lost boys doomed to never leave Neverland.