#soo something is obviously still wrong with me and I hate it

[running-in-the-dark]

My sleep schedule was great for the first month or so after moving into the new apartment! I went to bed at the same time as my partner and woke up early, too! It felt really good, not because it's what my body wanted but because I've been taught to hate myself for waking up any later than 9 (and even 9 is pretty bad - 'why are you so lazy?? why are you still asleep at 9?? you're a bad person and should be ashamed!' my brain tells me)

It's three months later now and my days all look like this:

spend all day trying to clean/organise/get the apartment ready finally, be exhausted and stop around 21:00 - feeling like I haven't done anything at all all day because it doesn't look like anything has gotten done

eat dinner and watch TV with my partner, often half asleep already

fall asleep on the couch soon after my partner goes to bed because I'm sooo sure I'm still awake enough to stay up and do something fun before going to bed

sleep for 4-7 hours on the couch (occasionally waking up to pet the cats and feel bad for not being in bed yet, and sometimes enough to do something for a couple minutes before falling asleep again)

go to bed around 5-6 in the morning, my back hurting, my brain disappointed in me, feeling live I've failed again

wake up around 11-13:00 and stay in bed for at least another hour, usually more, because I'm too tired and what's the point in getting up anyway

and repeat over and over again.

I'm tired all the time, I feel like nothing is improving and everything is a mess and awful and it's all my fault, and I can't even do the one thing that 'normal people' are supposed to do (go to bed and get up at a reasonable time)

[ezra-editss]

Just watched X-men Apocalypse. What the hell.

Okay, so I kinda have a take on all this and idk if that's just how it feels to me, but that's what I wanna know. (I don't think this actually happened, but it's the vibes it is all giving)

So it started when I told my mom about First Class (keep reading I'm gonna get to apocalypse eventually) and we came to the conclusion that it feels like they wrote the script, looked at it again and thought:

"Hmm, this seems pretty gay.. Erik and Charles both have no female love interests and they have those lines that seem pretty romantic. Also, Erik seems almost obsessed with Charles at the end with how overprotective he is. Let's fix that!"

And then they gave both of them a kiss with a woman they weren't interested in and added the line "We're brothers, you and I" and then were proud of how well they "saved" it.

And then they made Days of Future Past and didn't even think of it, but when it came out they saw how people were shipping it and then they were like "oh shitt"

And in the first hour of the movie, I thought they were just doing all of this stuff to "erase" any potential gayness people thought there was and wanted to make sure nobody got the wrong idea about the recent movies. But it was more the reminder they like women, before the EXTREME GAYNESS in the second half.

(This is getting so much more unserious than initially intended💀)

Anyways, Apocalypse.

Either I missed something or Erik settling down and HIDING makes NO SENSE. In the last timeline it was 100% clear that he'd never stop believing in what he did, he would never stop fighting his war. So yes, this is a different timeline, but there is no reason given why he suddenly decides to try Charles way. He failed in Days of Future Past and Charles let him go, but there is no way that's enough. And they played this off like that isn't the thing they both wanted since forever and never seemed possible. Being on the same side. Erik switching to Charles side is insane, why wouldn't he talk to Charles in all those years then?

I can't believe they threw away everything that IS Erik, just so he had a reason to be angry enough to join the guy.

(They also died in such a weird/lame way)

And Charles and I still don't really know her name😭.. I have to admit the scenes where Charles was nervous were cute, but that's just because Charles is adorable. But in First Class she was obviously only there for the plot, in Days of Future Past, she wasn't even mentioned and in Apocalypse, she was, again, only there for the plot. She literally doesn't say anything the entire movie after the beginning. She has like two lines. And in the end fight, she's just standing there. And then Charles makes her remember and the flashbacks are soo bad, BC THEY HAD NO MOMENTS. (Especially bc you can compare it to Erik's flashbacks, we're gonna get to that)

(I don't think I have to say it, but to be sure. I have absolutely nothing against straight couples. I don't care if it's gay or not. But if one of them were a woman, I wouldn't be writing this. I just hate how often they prefer to write a heterosexual couple that has no chemistry at all instead of making the two guys/girls kiss.)

Let's talk about the ending. Sometimes when I talk about this stuff I'm a little worried that I interpret things wrong bc I want it to be like that and I'm not being objective anymore, but I was proven right so many times in this. When Mystique and Erik kissed in First Class, it felt really weird to me because Erik obviously had no interest in her. (I suppose it was to show her she's beautiful) And that was pretty much proven right when she talks to him and he barely reacts to what she's saying. I also thought that he probably didn't know Charles was dying, bc he wouldn't let that happen. Then Mystique says "Charles" and suddenly he does show a reaction and when she's gone, he has those god damn flashbacks. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS ISN'T A ROMANTIC PLOT?😭 and then the specific one of Charles turning away and leaving him. (Could be a metaphor for Charles giving up on him) THAT'S WHAT GOT HIM.

And they make it even more clear when Mystique is dying and Erik doesn't react, but when Charles is dying, is when he steps in.

Ending was cute, but damnn the "you can make me do anything" was crazy.

(This turned out soo long, I've never been so obsessed with something.)

[lillysturns]

Breathtaking - matt sturniolo

Based on this request

Summary: You and matt get invited to a birthday party and with the dress code being dress, (for the girls obviously) you struggle a bit.

Warnings: A little cursing here and there but else none just total fluff. :)

Reminder: English is not my first language so i’m sorry if there is any misspellings, also my first fanfic so i’m sorry again if it’s bad or not what you wanted!

Me and Matt are sitting in the kitchen, when my phone alarm goes off. “Fuck, that scared the shit out of me” he says and dramatically puts a hand on his chest.

I chuckle slightly, then press the alarm away and stand up from my chair. “You gonna get ready now too or no?” i ask him while leaning against the kitchen counter. “Mh, give me ten minutes and i’ll start” he says while also standing up and walking over to the couch to sit down.

I sigh and walk into our bedroom, closing the door behind me. I sit down at my makeup desk and pull out my phone to connect it to my speaker, because i wanna listen to music. The music starts playing and i start doing my makeup while vibing a little, since my favourite song is playing.

After around 30 minutes i’m done with my makeup and spray on some setting spray on it, smiling at myself in the reflection slightly. I get up from my chair and open the bedroom door to see what matt is up to, obviously he’s still on the couch not getting ready.

“Matt i swear you better get ready now” i say while looking at him, laying on the couch and watching some lacrosse game. He looks at his phone and sees the time. “Oh shit, yeah babe don’t worry i’ll get ready now-“ he stops mid sentence and looks at you, “Wow you look stunning” he says while getting up and walking over to me. I smile shyly and shake my head.

“Don’t lie, lying is not good you know?” i say as i softly press a finger against his forehead. He just laughs slightly and kisses me softly. I kiss him back and swing my hands around his neck, then pull away from the kiss. “I still have to change, ill be right back and while i’m gone you better be getting ready” i say while giving him a quick peck on his lips, then disappearing into the bedroom to get changed.

I hear him chuckle from outside the bedroom and slightly smile, then walk over to my wardrobe and search for something to wear. A second after i begin searching, my best friend calls me, i obviously pick up.

“Hey girl, soo i hope you didn’t forget about the dress code i made for us girls” she says with alot of excitement. Then it hits me, i have to wear a dress which i normally don’t do because i hate wearing tighter clothes. „O-oh yeah no, i didn’t forget…” i say while looking at myself in the mirror. “Okay amazinggg, see you soon girly love ya!” she’s says and hangs up.

The moment she hangs up i look into my closet, hoping to find a wider dress. I finally find a little bit wider one and put it on, but the moment i put it on tears well up in my eyes. “I can’t wear a dress i feel too big” i think to myself while trying to hold the tears back. Moments later matt comes in.

“Okay you ready sweetheart because-“ he stops talking once he sees that i’m on the verge of tears. “Baby what’s wrong?” he says while going up to me and lifting my chin up with his fingers, so i look at him.

“I look stupid in this, matt” i say while looking at him with teary eyes. He shakes his head. “You look perfect in that dress, it suits you so well” he says while softly caressing my cheek. “B-but look at my tummy” i say while turning around to look in the mirror again. “Beautiful yes, now stop looking at your reflection” he says while trying to cover the mirror with his big hands.

I chuckle softly seeing him struggling to cover the mirror. “See that’s what i wanna hear, non of that other stuff okay?” he says while pulling me into a hug. I instantly melt into the hug and smile against his chest. “I wish you could see yourself with my eyes, because you’re literally breathtaking” he says while holding me close. “Stop it, im gonna cry” i say while looking up at him.

“No no, no crying here” he says and lifts me up. “Heyy let me down” i say while squealing slightly. He shakes his head and spins me around before setting me back down. “You ready to go, pretty girl?” he says while taking my hand, intertwining fingers with me. I just nod and smile at him.

“I’m so happy to have you, you know that?” i say while we walk out the bedroom, leaving for the party.

I really hope yall like this and if anyone wants to be on the tag list let me know!

@honeybee240 here you go!!

[vespertin-y]

OKAY I FINALLY WATCHED GRAVITY FALLS. TEN YEARS LATE I KNOW. i was expecting to have to power through a bunch of boring kid stuff to get to the actual interesting drama and i was so so wrong i locked tf in and finished it in two days. it's so good what the actual fuck. heres my thoughts on the main characters

mabel: when i was the actual target audience for this show i saw a bit of mabel while flipping through disney XD and i immediately concluded that she was annoying af and i would never watch this show because of her. i would like to repent for this evil evil take by flinging myself belly down onto shattered glass. MABEL MY BABY GIRL...if they ever put her in another Situation or Scenario ill kill someone fr. she's a little too selfish and a little too pushy sure but so genuinely KIND and SWEET and so willing to make a fool of herself to pull her dumb brother out of his head. that unicorn doesn't know jack i hope she gets everything she wants forever

dipper: if i had watched gf as a kid i would have been in very real danger of naming myself after this guy (which doesn't even work bc im not nearly as cool as him!! the woodland creatures would have eaten my ass). it would've been so easy to give him a generic gaining confidence arc but he is never a coward when it really matters and i think that's great. he may not be able to talk to a girl but he can and will beat a gnome to death with a shovel for touching his sister!!! also yeah he is extremely transgender.

stan: OUUUUUGH. STARTS SOBBING. stanley pines the man that you are. i assumed at first that his plot would be about Learning To Love but no he is 100% on board with being the world's best grunkle from minute one. he definitely fucks up sometimes (putting waddles outside comes to mind as does. The Other Thing) but he always tries his very best to fix it. every action he takes just oozes with care for his family. every time i thought he had a motivation that wasn't his family they pulled the rug out from under me and revealed that it was, in fact, just his family again. he would give everything for them. AND HE LITERALLY DOES??? im gonna vomit. he hand stitched fishing hats 😭😭😭

wendy: definitely my least favorite of the main cast im sorry wendyheads...i just feel like there isn't a lot to get into here. every time they imply there's something more going on with her or her family they just snap her right back into The Coolest Girl In The World which might be fun but it's not that interesting.

soos: SOOS MY FRIEND SOOS!!!! i wobbled on him during the middle of the show bc i felt like they were making him Genuinely Dumb instead of just a good babysitter but they pulled his characterization back around by the end i think. he is like me in that he would also die for the mystery twins without hesitation or regret 💖. a lesser show would've been really mean about soos but gf is BASED and SOOSPILLED so he gets what he deserves. he does not have to lose weight or drop his "childish" interests or stop living with his grandma to WIN AT LIFE. awesome girlfriend! dream job! big house! stan using that boat to hunt down his bio dad and kill him, probably!

ford: ill be honest and admit i hated this guy at first but eventually i learned to live laugh love about his massive incredibly fragile ego ruining everything all the time and now i am a big ford enjoyer. what a FREAK oh my god. he believed his journals to be capable of destroying the world and still refused to destroy them because they're His Life's Work????? he had the painfully obvious option to tell bill he didn't know the equation and stall for time and chose instead to say that OBVIOUSLY he knows it he's the SMARTEST MAN ALIVE he's just not TELLING YOU 😤 and then immediately got tortured????? he spent most of his screentime projecting his relationship issues onto an Actual Child?????????? he needs to go to therapy and learn he's not the main character of the universe but he will not be doing that so i can only hope the boat fixes him. if i was stanley i'd've fed him to the shapeshifter.

bill: SIGH. YES OKAY HE'S MY FAVORITE. I KNOW I'M FUCKING PREDICTABLE DON'T @ ME. i spent 90% of his screentime cracking up and the other 10% making Homosexual Detection Eyebrows at my brother! the ideal ratio!!!!! i can't wait to get my hands on the book so i can poor little meowmeow him more efficiently. i knew i was saving that barnes & noble gift card for something important.

[thementalshawty]

My New Beginning (My way out)

(Mentions of disabilities, mental, emotional, physical abuse, S*x abuse, bullying, self harm, suicidal ideation, Domestic violence, be wary before reading).

So where to begin……. This is about familial abuse, so this has been something happening my whole life!!! My “mother” is a narcissist. She bullied me and my sister our whole lives, I am the third of 5 kids, she would pit us against each other and watch us fight to laugh and make fun, most of my insecurities stem from her clowning me in front of my brothers, funny enough she is NEVER ALONE, my father he abused us including her but he left and I thought we were better off for it, I wasn’t wrong but little did I know the monsters she’d allow into our lives after, I was getting molested by older brother and my mothers boyfriend before I even got to elementary school, my brother started when I was insanely young, and I still protected him as I didn’t know what tf was happening, her boyfriend started when I was in 4th grade, he wasn’t a drunk or anything just a pedophile, she knew he was because he got caught cheating on her with teenage girls and yet she still kept him around for a decade so wherever we moved he was there and I started to become angry, rage grew inside my soul like a fire that had no intention of burning out, on top of that he was abusive hitting and bruising me and my siblings who all have disabilities, you know my sister as she’s a tarot reader on here so I’m not going into specifics about them, but she would sit and watch and do nothing, she would hide food with him, have us stand in the corner for hours on end while they are food in front of our faces “mmmm that’s good”. She even forced to drink her breast milk in front of him, she despised us having friends, soo when I would have a friend she wouldn’t let me see them or go out or we would move, I’ve never stayed more than 2-3 years in any place my whole entire fuccin life! I don’t know anything but toxicity when it came to relationships, I tried to kill myself multiple times but they failed so I decided to be a burner, I just burned myself, the fire it was the rage inside me felt outside, I decided to tell my mother about the molester from her boyfriend when I was 15, because I told someone in school he told me I had to tell her or he would so I wrote her a letter, he had a gun in the house and put it to his head and said he was going to kill himself (gaslighting), she kicked him out for a day, brought him back then told me that I had to share her with him, so at 15 and with her knowledge of him molesting me, we all moved to California, we drove there, and that was awful, we all fought and he screams how he didn’t care about what he did to me and he was laughing in front of her, i ended up just sweeping that under the rug because i went to focus on my career I had acting classes so my mind was focused but I met a guy from school and he automatically hated him (the boyfriend) he told my mother and automatically I was told to stay away from him, I didn’t I had got arrested the year before so I had community service and he was helping me with that, I told him what happened I thought we were meant to be but he cheated on me with his sister and I found myself in her another Jerry springer bind but I found that out months after we broke up, but he stood up for me and he was the only one on the outside that actually came and defended my honor as sick as he is I will give him credit for that. A year later we’re moving bacc to NYC, before we did though, they got Into a fight (my mother and the boyfriend), pretending to break up, he went to the gas station filled a gas canister wit gas came back to the front door and poured gasoline on himself, obviously not lighting himself on fire because it was an act, he went to jail a week or two later she invited him back into her life, I already knew that it was going to happen because the shit was predictable at that point, Skipping ahead to 17, we moved back to NYC, we came separately, I came on a plane with my mother and the rest of my siblings drove back with him, because obviously she trusted him with children why wouldn’t she? She already knew what he was capable of, she didn’t care 🤷🏽‍♀️, when we got back to NyC she

Promises me that he’s not coming back into our lives that it’s over this time, I told her he’s going to gaslight her she says not gonna work, fast forward to when they all made it to the apartment, she approached me with the sob story I said he would come in with so she said she is letting him stay, I was going to just walk away, but my sister told me that she fought with him on the drive here, she stood up for me, he yelled at my older brothers and her that he did What he did to me cos he truly wanted to and he’s unapologetic for it, the flame it was uncontrollable and I blacked out I went into the room and I kicked him out myself. He yelled bullshit but he left, she hated me for that, so she started to sneak him in secretly then they started hiding food again, leaving us to literally shake, starve and feel sick, we learned how to improvise with what little we had. I was going to school so I didn’t care, speaking of school I was supposed to be on my last year of school, and I couldn’t graduate because my principal explained because I moved so much my credits were all over the place, so she told me I had to repeat a year that was devasting to me because in California I only had a few credits before I could graduate, I got two jobs because I just wanted to save up money to leave, she told my grandma lies oh she has a whole bunch of recruits that she tells constant lies too about us and what we do never the truth because they already feel she’s sick but they do nothing about it, family tho right? My grandma called me and so again we told her the truth and she helped us kick him out for good, (so that’s the end of boyfriend 1…. For now) I was finally 18!! So again I have no friendships nothing ever stuck, but I had two jobs and I was saving up for an apartment, I shouldn’t have done this but I was so proud of myself! I told her (my mother) that I was going to move out, get my own apartment and live on my own, she didn’t like that, she was saying that it was disloyal and what was she going to do without me and she needed help because most of my siblings have a disability, so I stayed, I couldn’t be disloyal when she needed me, that was a big mistake. A year later we are moving BACC to California because she has found A NEW BOYFRIEND, some guy she met over the phone, guess who helped her move back to California though (boyfriend #1), my brother who molested me left to go into the army, don’t worry he’s not in it any longer dishonorable discharge (it was fitting). So anyways the new boyfriend was some white guy who I felt meant no harm the fuccin dude was quiet and softspoken so I paid it no mind, but I was wrong, he was a drunk, not only was a he a drunk, he was a RACIST DRUNK! Did she care???? NOOOOOOO! Everytime I tried to leave she stopped me, til we fought then she would say to leave knowing I had nowhere to go, if I had a friend to go too she would hate that friend, funny thing is most friends that want to take me away from this be friends she introduced me too, she wanted to be friends with them but they wanted to be my friend yes they are younger people, I don’t have those friends anymore because they were very similar to her go figure right ? I thought I should call the cops, call for help, but everyone I reached out too did nothing INCLUDING COPS! So I felt backed into a corner, well I had my sister my little sister my rock, funny fun fact though, her new boyfriend ALSO LIKES LITTLE GIRLS oh and BOYS! He got arrested and she stood up for him, while he was doing that in her home, she would run away and leave us all my siblings in the house with him drunk calling us the N word, kicking doors down and causing mess, I couldn’t leave my siblings who couldn’t understand what was happening behind all I knew is that they were scared and their mother wasn’t there all she did was make excuses for him she told me I should kill myself, that I was a cunt that didn’t deserve her name, ( I don’t have it, I have my dads last name), that I was going to be nothing more than a whore, by this time………………

She knows about what my brother did to me I didn’t mention that confession because she just skipped right over it. She literally didn’t care and she told me to my face she believed he was only playing with me and I am confusing it all and that I know nothing about it because it happened to her and she the only one who knows pain and my pain doesn’t matter she tried to assault me and again tried to tell family but she already took the narrative so they weren’t trying to hear me out or help, in august of this year, me and my sister left, we went to stay in a motel for a week or two, with the help of my booking agent we didn’t have enough money to stay and the homeless shelters were all full and we’re not answering back, so we had no choice but to go back, we are back and nothing even a week later back to the drunk racist, not eating, starving routine, I wanted to die and I felt like a failure! I couldn’t even get out of bed I felt like I deserved this I got my sister out to end up right back 2 WEEKS LATER?!?!! I fuccin hated myself! He was drunk and again causing ruckus, she came back a morning later and was telling him to leave, he was going to hit her, my brother (diagnosed with MR) was out there with my younger brother (autism) and they were scared and standing up for her and the boyfriend was in their faces what was I supposed to do???? Me and my sister tried to help and she tried to tell us to leave for helping her!!!!! Me and my sister decided to just call the police, they started to fight, and he tried to kill her, the police got him out, and they told her that she was lucky to have her kids here, we cleaned up her room after he broke her whole house apart, I mean EVERYTHING IS TORN APART RN!!!! she decided that she was going to move down to Texas with the molesting brother because he has kids, (oh yeah other fun fact she kept forcing me to have kids she even wanted me to give her my eggs so she can have kids with both of those boyfriends she approached me TWICE ABOUT IT, one she wanted my eggs and the other she wanted me to be pregnant for her!) So now my brother has kids she was like saying she knows I’ll never have kids and I’ll be forever alone, that no one will ever love me, anyways skipping to now my birthday came and left I’m 27 now! The housing program that me and my sister signed up for began to pend and we found a place! We didn’t tell her we found a place and that we were in a program we didn’t even tell her that we went down the city. We ended up getting a random woman come into the house and serve us she was evicting us (my mother) even on the eviction notice it says no fault just cause, she didn’t even tell me, so we have 60 days to leave and vacate her premises! Funny enough yesterday my sister got her APPROVAL NOTICE!!! Mine is still pending but I know that I’m getting approved and if all goes well we will be in our transitional home on SATURDAY! We finally did it, dug our way out, I didn’t think that I could and that I would, I would’ve been opened up to someone if I didn’t believe that it was against the family or that no one would love me like she did, she painted the world as such a unloving place and that this toxicity was normal and for the longest I believed it, but I am waking up now! And I am looking forward to beginning my life AWAY FROM HER! Just me and my rock @silvershiningtarot I AM NOT ASHAMED OF MY STORY, I’m only ashamed I kept quiet for so long, I allowed them to get away with everything and they took control of the narrative but I’m taking my power back! This is the first chapter of my success story! I’m not looking for claps or sympathy or for yky to actually care or anything I just wanted to put my story out there because this shit shouldn’t be in the dark anymore, mothers can be demons, family can be a dark and scary word for people and they’re not family, only relation! And I wanted to make that clear! RELATION DOESN’T MEAN FAMILY

I feel more familial love from you guys on here than I ever did anywhere! My music gave me hope and tarot gave me community

You deserve to know your reader through and through!

Thank you!!! For listening and taking the time for hearing this sad ass story, I hope I didn’t drag your day down! 💋

[tangyangie]

Hii I saw u write a karma x reader with a entp gf.. and it was veryy good :)) i even followed u lol

i was wondering if u could write a reader x karma with a isfp gf.. she's very sweet, kind, artistic and likes taking care of others.. she's extremely insecure and hates that she's too shy and allergic to the word no 😂 lol...

She has been feeling a bit insecure about herself and hates herself because of her failures in communicating with others 😭 soo can u write general headcanons and also him comforting her

I'd really appreciate it if you will write this... it's ok if u don't wanna thoo

Thanks :D

blank canvas, blank mind

description. karma x isfp!girlfriend

genre. fluff / comfort

notes: i couldn't tell by what you wrote if you only wanted headcanons or if you wanted a scenario too.. so i did the scenario!! i hope you enjoy <3

— h e a d c a n o n s —

— he likes to take care of you. you relax on the couch as he throws numerous blankets on top of you as he tells you how much he loves you.

— he gives you things. whether that's paintbrushes, pencils, or plushies, you have an overflowing supply of these items. you're running out of places to put things.

— he's always with you. he simply doesn't want you being taken advantage of. he knows how much you hate saying no to people (even if your life is basically in jeopardy), so he's saying it so you don't have to!!

— he constantly compliments you. if you're insecure about your body, personality, interests, those worries will be fine in literally no time at all. he's great at distracting you from what makes you anxious.

— he's always watching you. not in a creepy way!! you just fascinate him. he could stare at you for hours and never get bored. you're just so pretty with your movements, especially when you're letting your creativity shine through.

— he gives you people lessons. he knows you're not great with interactions. he knows your troubles with communications with—well, anyone. so, the most illogical thing to do is help. so, he's constantly trying his best to help you in this kind of thing.

— s c e n a r i o —

you're staring at the wall.

thinking.

about anything—and everything.

thoughts keep filling your mind about your earlier occurrences. the things you said, if you made any weird faces, if you did anything at all that might tell someone you're doing something wrong.

"y/n? are you listening?" a certain redhead asks, brushing his hair away from his eyes so he can look at you properly.

"huh?" you spin, your eyes obviously puffy and tearing up. "yeah, sorry. what's up?"

"hey.. are you okay? did something happen? do you need me to shove wasabi up someone's nose? some habanero peppers, perhaps?"

you give a little chuckle and shake your head. "not today, karma."

"well, then.. what's wrong? you're acting unusual." he says with worry in his voice, carefully jumping backwards onto the bed to sit next to you.

"i was just.. thinking." you sigh, swinging your leg back and forth.

"...about?" karma asks, raising an eyebrow.

"it's just—uhm..." you begin, not knowing how to get the words out.

"i know i act weird around other people. but.. is there something i do without knowing that might make someone dislike me?" you blurt, still a little unsatisfied with the execution of the sentence.

"woah, where's this coming from?" he says, getting off the bed to place a hand on your shoulder. "what's going on?"

"i.. i just always feel like i've done something wrong. after i hang out with my friends, i can't shake the feeling that they'd start talking about me because of something i did." you spill, closing your eyes and resting your forehead in your palm.

"...i'm really sorry. but, i don't think you've done anything wrong, y/n. you're the kindest soul i've ever met and you're the reason i'm not in jail right now." he says, dead serious.

"still.. i just wish i could communicate with them better. i never know what to say to them when i want to talk." you say, looking back up at karma.

"i just wish there was something i could do about it." you say, concluding your point. you felt helpless.

"hey, it's okay. you can always work up to speaking with them directly. just stay out of your own head. you're amazing, y/n. there's absolutely nothing wrong with you or what you can do." he smiles at you, hoping to encourage you at least a little bit.

you wipe the back of your hand on your face, trying to get rid of the tears that had been spiraling out. "are you sure that they'll react well?" you sniff.

"y/n, there's nothing i can do to guarantee that. but, i do blue that they're not worthy of being your friends if they react badly to you wanting to talk to them." he says calmly, caressing your face with his thumb.

"just keep in mind, i'll be with you every step of the way. you've got this. and i'll have wasabi in my hands."

notes: i really searched my mind for this 😭😭 it was fun to write though!!

[cannot-decide-on-a-fandom]

https://www.tumblr.com/cannot-decide-on-a-fandom/754552911759114240/i-dont-think-ive-ever-seen-a-fanbase-talk-so

Your preaching to the choir on this. Especially on twitter where it happens soo much. And it’s so baffling. Like they refuse to accept people can actually learn and grow and do better. And it’s not like he never apologized. He has multiple times. And he’s proven that he’s learned from it and grown from it. And I really don’t think people like Aisha, or Angela would say the positive things they have and continue to say about him if he hadn’t. It was very clear at the time how the cast felt about what happened and in regards to him. And it’s like completely opposite vibes now. And then the way people will say they think he’s so hot and such a good actor and good dad and so brave for talking about his mental health but yet censor his name the entire time is like 💀💀💀💀💀 what are you even doing. You look goofy as hell saying R*yan. Like 💀💀😂

Honestly I try so hard to stay out of saying potentially controversial stuff about real situations (characters are a bit more...I obviously won't tag the character in negative stuff but it's fiction and all) but this has been baffling me and I'm glad some people agree. I just don't understand censoring for this reason most of the time anyway to be honest? Like I heard there was a time when people would censor Oliver's name so he wouldn't see their tweets because he apparently lurked (which is so funny, this is not an Oliver Stark appreciation post but from what I've seen I have to acknowledge that, that man is so funny) and that I get. If you try and censor a name to avoid people finding the post, okay sure.

But censoring problematic or supposedly problematic people's names has somehow morphed and become just an easy out for people who like to talk about someone who has done something wrong in their past (ie-is a human being) without needing to confront what them loving them must mean. Because it's either "I truly think this person is bad but I don't care enough to not talk about them" or acknowledging the fact that it's possible for people to have done fucked up stuff and still be good people after (which seems to be a foreign concept to some people, especially when it comes to celebrities)

If a post is about negative stuff a person did, you can censor it if you want but surely the context would give away you don't support them, and if it's positive stuff, then if you genuinely truly think "this person is a bad person" then buddy you're still fucking saying good stuff about the same person, just because there's an asterix in it doesn't mean you're not.

The only time I really get this type of censoring is if listing a group of people and you wanna make it clear that you're listing them for specificity alone. For example a group photo where one person is shitty, and you're trying to refer to that picture so you list all the people in it, and it's easier to make it clear you think someone in it is a shitty person without needing to write a separate explanation (which I would honestly never expect anyone to...ever have to but it's the internet)

Anyway, this ended up being way longer of a reply than I intended (and I've had a few drinks) but hopefully it made sense. I guess I'll just finish by saying it's bad for people using screen readers too so I sort of think the accessibility of "Hey blind people should be able to be online too" should probably trump "I want everyone to know I'm a good person by hating this guy who did something messed up 5 years ago" (or other instances of similar things)

[jamiesgotchu]

A little rant!! I had to get this out somewhere SBHFHDBFB //this is a bit of a difficult topic SOO I'll put it under a cut!! If you wanna read it :3 (tkl related with some motivational words at the end!!)

There's such a bad rap for the community (at face value, obviously). And ughh it's so hard to describe to people that don't WANT to understand the rest of the community yknow?? Because if something is bad.. it gets hyper focused on by people, and that's ALL they can see- regardless of whatever you say.

Grahh,, I always have this underlying fear when I post my art on here. Not because of the response it would get on tumblr, but,, in case someone who.. isn't a part of the community finds it, yknow? And puts it in other places to make fun of it?

Which sucks because! The only person that can tell you how you feel about something is YOU! Yknow!? Like!?

It caused me to doubt myself a lot.. when I see people make fun of this kind of interest I have (which is a minority btw, not everyone makes fun of this content!)

People saying there's no way this interest COULDNT be sexual reaaaally got to me. I felt awful, feeling like I have to justify my interests to MYSELF. Even though it's NEVER been sexual for me at all, I was worried that it was, and I was just in denial somehow.

I still struggle with that sometimes! BUT! I've also realized the truth is that some people just don't want to hear it. They LIKE hating (honestly,, I get it. hating feels GREAT sometimes. But that doesn't mean it's good to do.)

And in the end, they're wrong. You don't have to stop yourself from doing what you love - just because people give into the dopamine hit they get from making fun of people!

Whatever they do or think, it doesn't matter. You can post your silly little things, have your silly little interests, use your coping mechanisms, draw those tkl doodles!

And if someone finds your art and posts it somewhere else.. you can talk to them about it. But in the end, it's better for your health to not look at it. I know it sucks not to read what people are saying about you, I know the temptation to read it is overwhelming, but hey.

They can't stop you! If people comment on your posts, delete them! Just keep deleting them. It's your post, it doesn't matter what comments you delete and which ones you keep, that's all up to you!

If you're not harming anyone (which usually, tkl art is not), then go ahead and do it!!

Anyway.

TL;DR: People making fun of others is cringe. Do what you want! 🫶

[tobacconist]

i will always defend alex day/nerimon and i dont care what anyone says. literally what are the accusations? being sort of an annoying twat? being kinda bad in bed? sleeping around? (yeah, that last one is bad but cmon. thats what idiot teenagers do. he didnt need his life ruined over it.)

literally, if you know the name alex day you probably think 'that one time british youtube star? yeah i kinda remember but idk actually, i think he was a rapist or something? probably a pedophile rapist predator. thats what everyone says. idk but everyone hates him and he doesnt have an online presence anymore because idk actually i think hes buddhist now or smth? idc fucking rapist scum'

like, i understand completely how it happened (dont forget to be awesome!) there were soo many dirty fucking scumbags around in that era of youtube (and still are! more so, infact!) and like... seriously, im not trying to undermine the fact that there were (and are) actual predators on these platforms, or that he was close to them (dont forget to be awesome!) but so was LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE. it was fucking shameful how charlie, the vlogbrothers, everyone else just shunned him like that. youtube literally died that day, and if you dont believe me, try to find videos from that time. theyre gone. theyre all gone. they all want to forget about it.

i dont deny it was fucking scummy of him how he broke carries heart, or how he used his fame to get girls but... cmon. these were girls who were literally singing 'i want to be mrs nerimon' (iykyk) and flying from america to meet up with him. what 19yo dude who wants to be a famous musician wouldnt jump at that oppurtunity? im not saying he was/is a good musician btw. hes fucking awful.

but i actually beg everyone (who was there, digitally atleast, during the nerdfighter era and who remember those times. you know who you are. you guys who grew up with harry potter and loved it and hate yourselves for it today) ESPECIALLY those who hate him, to read his book 'living and dying on the internet' and try to hear it from his point of view. like, yes, obviously youre hearing the perspective of the annoying narcissistic twat we all know and love/hate, but also one who was one of the first vloggers in that wildwest era of youtube, who has a lot of insight, and who i believe really didnt do anything all that wrong, and even if he did has clearly fully repented in giving up his youtube career and everything. you can find it easily for free online, the book that is. its a good read.

i will say though that it was pretty scummy of him to publish the book having it detail his relationship with carrie (not explicitly, like) when she specifically asked him not to, and using pseudonyms to get around it, that was fucked up; but at the same time i cant fucking blame him! having all your friends suddenly turn on you to save their own reputations, everyone treating you as some evil monster for the smallest of human failings. i dont blame him for wanting to atleast give his side of the story.

idk, it really is a good example of the childish backbiting nature of the fandom-left i think, which WILL ultimately be its doom; and we all know it. and if you disagree with me, well, feel free leave a comment in the doobly-doo, and Dont Forget To Be Awesome!

[teddybeartoji]

6, 14, 21, 28 for moji and mihime pretty please :3

SALEMM!!!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEETHIS IS SO FUN!!! ILYY THANK YOU FOR DROPPING BY MY LOVE:33

FOR MIJI

6. what was the most embarrassing thing to happen between you and your f/o before, during and/or after sex?

me sobbing after it:////// not crying, SOBBBBINGGGG. like i just got so overwhelmed yk?? he fucks so good and so deep and he's so heavy and he's like everywhere and it felt heavenly and then it just happened... i mean he didn't think it was embarrassing, he was super fucking worried at first actually lmao. but then he gave me the aftercare i needed aaand he actually didn't tease me for it either. (too much at least)(i am very grateful)(bc i still feel a little embarrassed abt it..)

oh and for him!!! in the beginning of our relationship, he came in his pants:3 and obviously i don't think that's embarrassing but ohhh he was hiding his face and stammering out an apology and yeahhh:(((( i just reassured him that it's okay and that i think it's hot hehe

14. what's something that usually gets your f/o in the mood?

just when i'm all over him!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can get very clingy and touchy and i love just climbing onto his lap with my hands around his neck and just pressing kisses to his jaw and to his cheeks and lips and throat and adam's apple aaaand that gets him all squirmy and veeeery very handsy hehehehe:33

21. how does your f/o taste?

kinda bitter and liike salty?? bUTTTTTT DON'T GET ME WRONG I AM NOT PICKYY I AM EATING HIM UPP ALWAYS AND FOREVERRRR:333

28. how wrecked/spent does your f/o look by the time the two of you are done? do they have a dazed look on their face? completely disheveled hair? chest heaving for breath?

i answered this here too buttt!!! THE ANSWER IS ALL OF THE ABOVEEE!!!!!!!!!!! HE GETS SUPER FUCKED OUTT!!!!!! like yea ofc i'm way worse lmao but it's not like he's just sitting there all ready to go on with his day/night. he's tired, he's borderline dozing off on top of me or under me. oh and he runs sooo fucking hot. like the blanket isn't even on the bed anymore and he warmth stays in his body for soo long like it takes him a while to cool down. but hhhhhhh he looks sooo good like this:3333333333333 i luv him

FOR MIHIME

6. what was the most embarrassing thing to happen between you and your f/o before, during and/or after sex?

.... when i couldn't get the strap on correctly. sighh that was horrible. like i put my leg in the wrong hole bc i was just so excited yk??? and i was red like a damn tomato................... hhhhhhhhhhhh i hated that. she laughed super fucking sweetly though:(( and then rushed to help me out

she got suuuuuper super embarrassed when we kindagot caught lmao. i didn't mind that at all but ohh my god she looked like she was abt to puke. poor girl:((( it didn't help that i... kept teasing her abt it too lmao she kinda hates me i think..

14. what's something that usually gets your f/o in the mood?

thigh and tummy kisses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she's soooo weak for them and it's the cutest fucking thing in the worldd!!!!!!! she gets super flustered and sooosooo twitchyy and sooooooo fucking wet - she's pushing my head away buuut in reality she's not even trying like there's absolutely no strength behind her shoves lmao she's adorable i love her so much

21. how does your f/o taste?

sounds super basic but... like heaven ok. she's so fucking sweet??? i didn't even know that was possible??? idk she has a magical pussy alright<333333333

28. how wrecked/spent does your f/o look by the time the two of you are done? do they have a dazed look on their face? completely disheveled hair? chest heaving for breath?

SHE LOOKS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PRETTYYY:((((((( HAIR SPLAYED OVER THE PILLOWS AND THE MATTRESS, CHEEKS N NOSE N LIPS N EARS N N NECK N CHEST ALLL RED AND BLUSHYY:(((( she's panting and squirming and she's hiding her face:((( she looks soooso fucked outtt wahhhhhhhhhhhh she's perfect!!!

spicy selfship asks

[justagalwhowrites]

Which Pedro asker here… Omg, I love that you chose that picture for NIT bc it isn’t one I see posted often 🥰 And that’s exactly how I pictured for Din!! That scene lives in my mind rent free. In the moment I probably read it like ten times. It was SUCH an amazing face reveal for all the Din fics I’ve read.

Good for them OBVIOUSLY like God damn.

Cannot wait for your next story to start!! You are so giving. Soo many great fics have an age gap which I like but I’m excited for one that isn’t (NIT has been such a nice balance where age is maybe a thing but not really relevant). Also, that era Pedro is just… something else.

Ahhh Hi Bestie!

I LOVE that photoshoot of Pedro. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Of course, that man is so damn photogenic that put him in front of a camera and I'm going to be happy about it.

And AHHHH OMG I'm so happy you loved that scene! That was one of the scenes that I came up with when I was first thinking about the fic. I knew the dynamic I wanted for Din and Doll, her background, that scene and their wedding. Everything else kind of built out from there but that moment for me was just PEAK.

I hope y'all like the new story! I think it's going to be a bit different. I'm not usually huge on super big age gaps? There certain power dynamic things can make me a little uncomfy with it (no hate AT ALL to people who read or write it, absolutely nothing wrong with it and I definitely understand the appeal, it's just not always my vibe.) BUT that's not a hard and fast rule by any means, @joelscruff 's Feelings on Fire is one of my favorite things EVER in part because of the age gap! It's just not necessarily something I think I'd be good at writing. I do enjoy the tropes of BFD and DBF Joel, though! It's been fun to write those in a slightly different way - where some of the taboo is still there - and I'm glad you're enjoying New in Town!

The age thing has been a weird spot for me as a writer? I think I'm older than a lot of writers in the fandom (I'm 33 so 🤷🏻‍♀️) and I prefer to write things I think I can connect with. I've never been someone in their 50s and my closest friends kind of top out in the mid-40s range. I don't feel like I intimately know life past like 45 so I'm not drawn toward writing it. But I do like putting Joel with someone more his contemporary for a lot of things. Yearling is an odd one for that, where there is a sizable age gap (Bambi is almost 43 at this point in the fic, Joel is about to turn 60) but since they met when she was in her 40s and he was in his 50s, their ages aren't really considered by each other. They're just two adults who are middle aged, the end. Compare that to Lavender where Joel was just 11 years older than Doc (a much more common age gap, I think) but their relative ages played a much bigger role early in the fic and then became non-existent as a concern. I haven't written a full fic without some kind of age gap for Joel - even though it's not really a focus of any of my fics - so I'm excited to write a Joel and a reader who are my age!

ANYWAY I went off on a tangent there but lol thank you so so much for reading and reaching out! Love you!!!

[inutaffy]

🧍🧍🧍

im not sorry. im pulling up a chair and you will be stuck here for a millennia

SO. NUMBER 1. “do you know why you’re leader of this team?” “well uh yeah. bc i asked to be? u said it wasnt bc of my skills.” THIS RIGHT THE FUCK HERE. OKAY. BITCH.

LEO ALREADY HAD SO MANY DOUBTS ABT BEING LEADER MAN ITS AWFUL. LIKE. FUCK. and this isnt to say that leo is like confident in his abilities bc HE IS. HE REALLY IS HE KNOWS HE’S GOOD WHEN HE NEEDS TO BE but like that doesn’t immediately get rid of the feelings of inadequacy, ESPECIALLY after he got beat down by shredder in s2 and the earth got destroyed in s3

to him, he’s just leader bc he asked to be, nothing special abt it. its not bc he’s the smartest or the strongest or fastest. he just asked and splinter said lmao sure why not (LISTEN I KNOW THAT THAT WASNT REALLY SPLINTERS REASONING. leo was always gonna end up as leader bc he IS GOOD AT IT. he knows how to lead n he’s inspiring or whatever but he doesnt say this to leo until later) so to him there’s NOTHING STOPPING HIM FROM BEING REPLACED IF BE SCREWS UP ONE TO MANY TIMES. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? IT LITERALLY MAKES EVERYTHING MAKE SENSE. like the shift in how he views leadership after s1. how he CONSTANTLY sacrifices himself for the cause bc WHAT ELSE IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN THINGS SPIRAL OUT OF HIS CONTROL?? just. dude. i fucking hate this. he sacrifices himself at any minor inconvenience (not really but 😐) and i hate that it makes since. he is only leader bc he asked, there isnt some special skill keeping him in this position (THERE IS. the others would be soo screwed if he wasnt leader. they’d make it obviously but DAMN) so he’s easily replaceable, and if something goes wrong to the point where he needs to REALLY get his shit together and DO SOMETHING TO FIX IT, HE SACRIFICES HIMSELF. BC WHAT ELSE IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO. he does it when they had to destroy the technodrome, he does it when he goes to fight shredder alone, he does it when they needed to get that black hole generator piece from that one lady, and he does it when trying to destroy the triceraton mothership. its the worst thing in the whole fucking world

number 2. “i knew that one day you would grow up to be the leader of this team, and when I pass on to be like a father as well.” OUGH. this hurts me so much. this is damn near the center of a good chunk of raph and leo’s fighting. not ALL of it obviously bc they’ve got their own stuff to work out but this definitely plays a part bc above all he wants leo to be HIS BROTHER. not his dad. NEVER HIS DAD. leo IS NOT their fucking dad and when he tries to act all high and mighty it IRRITATES HIM. WHICH IS SO VALID BC WHY ARE YOU THE WAY THAT YOU ARE. STOP. SERIOUSLY. WHO ARE YOU. yk? like fuck. he doesnt want leo to parent them dammit. imagine your dad dies or something and then your older brother is trying to fill that gap instead of taking time to GREIVE

AND TBH. I DONT THINK SPLINTER MEANT IT LIKE THAT EITHER. splinter probably meant this in a “when i die i trust you to take care of this family and be there for each other and support each other” way. not in a SINGLE MOM WHO WORKS TWO JOBS WHO LOVES HER KIDS WND NEVER STOPS WITH GETNLE HANDS AND THE HEART OF A FIGHTER IM A SURVIVOR kinda way

this gets lost in translation tho bc leo totally takes this and runs in the opposite ducking direction for a while which just

NUMBER 3. AND THEN WHEN SPLINTER OFFERS HIM SOME ADVICE/WISDOM LEO JUST. HE CLOSES HIS EYES AND SHAKES HIS HEAD AND TELLS HIM THAT EVERYTHING IS FINE. YOU ARE FINE. BC HE NEEDS THIS TO BE TRUE LIKE. ISNT THAT JUST AWFUL? you watch your dad get killed in front of you, then you go back in time and save him, only for him TO STILL DIE. that is AWFUL MAN.

“i dont get it, you’re fine father. is there something your not telling me?”

I HATE EVERYTHING. leo is dodging EVERY hint that his dad could die soon, he refuses to even entertain the idea. like at all. and its so fuckinf sad bc he is clinging to this hope that no matter what everything will work out fine just like it did before, they’re going to come out on the other side bruised but whole, and it HURTS bc that is not what happens at all. splinter is still killed right in front of them and they carry his body away and bury him and that’s it. that’s fucking it and it’s TERRIBLE.

and its not just awful bc of that its awful bc splinter is trying so hard to prepare them for this, he knows he died once, and has come close numerous times, so its gotta stick eventually right? so the least he can do is make sure his family isnt without closure yk? he can make it so that he torn from them without any warning or goodbye, without something to remember him by, so he goes and he has a moment with each of them in this season before he gets killed and it hurts me so much bc he’s trying to gently prepare them and its just. ough. OUGH. can we just take these mfckers out of situations ffs

NUMBER 4. THIS SHIT.

HIS FUCKING FACE???? AS THEH WALK AWAY???????? KILL ME NOW PLEASE???????? he literally just wants his family to be ok and theh ARENT and it hurts me so. his brothers and dad look so fucking happy too but just. OUGH. the HORRORS man the horrors are coming

anyways. timestamp 3:25am. this is just my rambling from the first few minutes and these are all the scenes from the clip i tagged u in. we haven’t even gotten to splinters death or what leads up to it yet, things are deceptively calm rn and im so scared

GO TO BED

[lesbianboyfriend]

Would absolutely LOVE to hear your thoughts on King Lear...very conflicted about her my ownself

yes okay! so i haven’t studied lear in a bit and when i did it was very much in the style of russian formalism with like a tiny dash of new criticism?? which is so fucking funny to me…everyone in my lit theory class was like i HATE formalism this is so weird why would you do this and i was like ah. this is what i spent the entirety of my high school years doing i’m basically an expert on doing this

sorry okay tangent my point is that these thoughts are largely just going off of what i remember and that i’ve not done any like serious scholarly analysis of lear!

anyways the post i made the other day about how it could be good if it was good was mostly a flippant post moreso about the structure than the narrative of lear—it does this strange thing where it has an engaging plot but a significant portion of that plot takes place off stage and then a character tells you about it which was deeply deeply frustrating for me

narratively, though, i think the plot of lear is very very interested in reproducing and upholding dominant structure. we can see this through the way things like the family, the monarchy, and the body are portrayed.

despite the fact that lear seems like a pretty shitty dad, we’re still expected to be against regan and goneril for? wanting the inheritance owed to them? and of course the fact that they are women makes this even more unthinkable. when they are given this inheritance and try to exercise the power they’ve been rightfully given, lear still expects to hold the dominant position of authority as patriarch of the family and when that is challenged, it villainizes them even further.

and of course its obviously interested in positioning the monarchy as correct and just and not interrogating that in any way—although like mentioned before it’s clear that there is a specific way in which the monarchy is meant to operate that upholds patriarchy and the family (re: legitimacy of birth and edmund)

perhaps most interesting to me (<- disability studies guy) is the disabled body in king lear? the discreditation of lear not on the basis of the fact that he sucks so much or you know, his shitty policies, but because of his madness. and particularly the fact that this madness was “induced” by his daughters. there’s something fascinating to me about regan and goneril undermining him to the court as he becomes undermined to the readers…the way the narrative of discreditation is reproduced on multiple levels.

it’s also striking to me that disability exists solely as a sort of punishment. lear’s madness is a metaphorical punishment for trusting the wrong daughters. gloucester’s blindness is a physical punishment from regan and goneril for his loyalty to lear. the disabled body exists only to punish and discredit.

honestly the thing about lear is that from a deconstructive perspective there’s SO much to bite into. like this is not even getting into individual characters and their roles within the narrative, like there’s soo much to examine even furthering this and beyond this. like yes it very much exists within the dominant ideology but i think that means it gives a lot of doorways into examining and critiquing the structures of that ideology. so i honestly do enjoy me some lear, i just wish that someone had told shakespeare show don’t tell because by the fifth time someone ran onstage to tell me that a character had died off stage i was ready to throw my book.

anyways like i said this was very much off the top of my head i would love to hear anyone else’s thoughts on this or on other parts of lear !!

[riverstardis]

binge britain:

hmm i think this is the ep with michael stevenson's wife in

oh charlie and duffy are back from their honeymoon. and they've come straight to the hospital with all their suitcases and whatnot? do they just live here???

dylan tells ethan that cal called in sick claiming to have a stomach bug but his speech was slurred and ethan's like "i'm sure he just needs to get it out of his system... the bug i mean" sjfjjfgfgjk omg what did i say a while ago about ethan getting it in the neck every time cal skives off bc why is dylan telling him off as if he's personally responsible😭

aww ethan calls cal and leaves a message saying he just wants to know if he's okay🥺 i guess cal is probably still upset about what happened with alicia and ethan can tell something's wrong even if he doesn't realise why cal did what he did

sam's the new medical director😃🔫 can see a bit too many of the threads that lead to cal's death coming together now for my liking

lmaoo alicia tells ethan she's taking a quick break and invites him outside for some fresh air but he says he can't. soo now she's broken up with cal she wants ethan to forget that she wouldn't break up with him earlier so they could be together?

HELPSJSDJFJ iain's saying he needs to get out more and meet new people and jez is making fun of him for being old and says he should have a house party bc he knows loads of middle aged women he could bring and iain says he can't have a load of strangers in his house bc he's just had the carpets done shjsjfjf yeahh not sure you're helping your case there mate😭😭

yep there's lauren crace! aka chrissie flipping danes

iain and gem's mum😬

"seriously!? henrik, if sam strachan was your best choice for medical director i'd hate to see the other candidates" SHSJDJF so true though connie

grace isn't communicating and doesn't even seem able to hear them

lmaoo lauren's character has an arrow in her arm and dylan says that taking it out is the "fun bit" and then after it's out he asks her if she wants it as a souvenier and she looks horrified SJDJHFGHJGJ

lily's so autistic i love her

charlie says "i've never understood why people beat each other up when they get a few drinks" and duffy goes "same reason some people get a terrible tattoo, stupidity" SJDFJFJ of course he was never going to be able to hide it from her💀 does he still have it now? i don't remember him getting it removed?

lmao a guy in a mankini

oh a creep in a mankini

alicia has a bottle of some kind of alcohol and asks ethan if he fancies cracking it open in the park "come on, we can pretend we're teenage reprobates" sjdjfjfg something tells me ethan never once did that as a teenager but he does seem to be actually considering it for a second but then he says he's going to stick around at the hospital a bit longer and she's like "didn't your shift finish half an hour ago?" "yes, it did, um, it's been a crazy night, i'd feel bad leaving everyone" "orr you could tell me what's really going on? come on, ethan, lying really isn't your forte." "it's cal, he's been staying out all night, he called in sick this morning and i can't get hold of him, so he's obviously in a really bad place. i just don't think it's a good idea for us to be spending time together." alicia says "right, er, yeah, that makes total sense. coool. I'll see you around then" in a way that suggests it is not, in fact, cool

awww ethan's face as alicia walks off :(( he's making a sacrifice for cal🥺

i guess it's BECAUSE lying isn't his forte that alicia doesn't realise how much he's actually hiding. i mean fenisha said the same thing only to be immediately shocked by him telling her about having HD but she only found out because he was planning to tell her anyway, whereas it's still so wild to me that despite he and alicia being so close, even when they weren't dating, for so long, she NEVER found out

i miss duffy they should've killed off charlie instead

iain says the only reason he joined the army was because he couldn't stand be around his mum anymore and had to get out

iain invites gem to live with him and she says only for a couple of nights until she gets somewhere more permanent... and then it actually takes until she moves in with alicia in s33 lmao

dylan saying he should've been a vet shjsfdjdfj

ah dylan suggests a booze bus

lileh

gem says that iain and lily are so going to get together and iain's like "what me and chuckles? nah that would never work, never in a million years" .........smash cut to them fucking in the hearse at cal's funeral🤢🤢

[dykelibraries]

sup its me jack welcome to my vent palace heres my motherfucking sityaaation trigger warning for maybe everything under the sun this is genuinely gravely serious but ill try not to go in depth w anything.

yah tldr here my awesome backstory dads a pedophile i cut him off a few years ago he did some narsty stuff and my mom knew and didnt dooo anything. and she says she hates him now but my brother still visits him and im not allowed to say anything. my dad also severellllyyyy neglected me (he had sole custody for a whilee)

uhh my mom keeps making Choices in men. her last boyfriend tried to kill us and my mom had me lie to the cops about it. her current boyfie is a racist and has referred to meee and my brother and family with slurful wordage maybe a couple times. and he constantly threatens to kick us out if we ever say anything negative about him but then my mom gets on my ass about not liking him.

my mom straight up fakes my identity constantly soo she has control of my bank account and medical records and like. i dunno. everything that should be private. she comes in with me to doctors appointments and will lie to the doctors if she doesnt agree with a diagnosis. also she hid my social security card and birth certificate so thaaat suuuuucks

she refuses to let me learn how to drive, and. gestures. i have horrible chronic pain, i cant usually walk past my driveway in all honesty. soo i cant really GO anywhere.

uhh my mom kinda gaslit gatekeep girlboss Manipulated me out of reporting my dad when i had a chance to. and then kinda sorta told me i couldnt trust my therapist. who i havent seen in a while so idk. my mom also refuses to get my brother help with his eating disorder and kinda. encourages it a lot if im being honest.

uhh i recently figured out that i think my mom may have been posting child porn? of my brother and i growing up. which isnt superbly sick i dont think. idk maybe im being dramatic. i posted a couple comics on here about some stuff shes said/done in this context so i guess yall can decide if anyones even reading this.

i guess this is more petty teenage bullshit than a serious problem but shes really mean to me. and its not great i think. idk she does this thing where shell act like im an unstable and horrible person and i have been since like..i think three? is the number she usually uses. but she acts like im the devillll and shes calm and collected so Obviously im in the wrong. and shell say really mean things and act like i started an argument by standing wrong. like leaning on a wall or smth. i guess shes kinda mean at kinda. vulnerable times too. like i remembered. something my dad did. and she kept yelling at me for crying cuz it wasnt a big deal. sophie said it was a really big deal but i dunno. or another time when i had a really really bad ptsd episode at school and when i asked to go home early she made me stay Past the end of the school day bc she wanted to teach me i couldnt quit. or another time when i had a chronic pain flareup while at work and my boss straight up TOLD ME to go home (librarians arwe chill like that) and she came to my workplace and uhh. gestures. had me stay multiple hours past when my shift would end. while i was like. yk breaking down cuz of the pain. she was there the entire time and just refused to take me home or give me the painkillers she keeps in her purse for Her chronic pain. i dunno. shes really mean to me.

uhh she checks like. a decent. amoutn of my social media. she slipped up one time and told me. n shes had friends in the past tell her things behind my back so i get kinda nervous telling people anything tbh. and she listens in on verbal conversations.

this isnt her fault i guess but it makes things harder for sure. but i dont havee my high school diploma. long and complicated story i dont feel like telling. shrug. and i dont have literally. Any friends offline, nor family i can talk to outside of this house.

i dunno what to say after this bwomp. if you read all this heres a sticker ⭐

[earanie]

soo. it's been a while since my last long rant. here we go. I'm currently ignoring the fact that I have a journal bc of reasons, so it's gonna happen here.

welp. my no-good weekend (lots of non fun stuff to do + horrible cold that won't get better + job-related anxieties + classic existencial dread) started as no-good and ended up being one of the worst weekends of the year. ha!

exactly, what does one do when one finds out that the person they love is seeing someone else? because I've tried going on with my day as I was supposed to, as if it didn't feel like a piece of ~something~ had been just torn away from me - and I don't feel like it has worked very well.

and I've got no right to feel like this. All this grief I'm feeling, I can't put it anywhere. I can't do anything with it. I can feel it on the tips of my fingers, I can feel it everywhere. I feel shattered and I've got nothing, nothing to show for it.

The person I love does not love me back. That's it. That's all.

And if I just hadn't convinced myself into hoping-- into thinking, into believing - in signs and words that oh so very clearly were not there!

I had one kiss - that obviously meant nothing. And that's all. As happy as I was in that moment i truly wish I did not have a memory like that to carry around. It feels worse. To know that we went so close and in the end they decided i was just not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough - just not enough.

They kissed me once and decided it was not worth repeating. And I was kissed, and let unravel in my heart all the love I've always carried for them.

It's unfair, it's not supposed to be like this, it's ugly. It's so ugly. I feel so ugly. And unwanted. And just a bit broken - like there's something in me that doesn't work quite properly, and it never has - and that's why I can't have what my heart so dearly desires.

And the worst is - there is nothing to say. There is nothing to do. There is no reproach to make. And nothing I can do better, or differently or - there is nothing. I can't put this grief anywhere. I'll just keep swallowing it back, as I've always swallowed back the love. Maybe they'll mutually water themselves down. Maybe one day there will be nothing left to swallow.

In the meantime I feel like my very soul has been scraped on the gravel - same as the knees of a child who has been told not to run. And in the same way I'm trying to hold back the tears of hurt, and humiliation, that I know are of my own doing. But it still burns so fucking much. And it still feels so, so raw.

I hate them, and I love them. And I hate myself for both of these feelings.

I truly believe that if it was not to be them, then it's not going to be anyone. I just won't have that kind of love. Maybe I sound ridicolusly dramatic, but so be it. I feel it, I know. As much as I hope to be wrong. I know they were ~it~ for me. The Person. They've always been. Since 10 years they have.

It's not fixable.