#trust me the quote was a deliberate choice

[stardusteyes]

"So through endless twilights I dreamed and waited, though I knew not what I waited for."

“Silver Key”

🗝️

Color: Fantasy Gold (code #ce8e24)

Base EGO: Zkauba

Tadaaaa. Limbus Company Randolph Carter be upon ye. I have little confidence in my digital art skills so you’re going to have to bear with this rough as hell sketch for now.

Here you go PM fans. I hope you at least like this little guy.

[bucked-it-up]

i wanted to ramble about where I think Buck and Tommy will be going into season 8 and what I think could possibly happen.

With the gap between S7 and S8 looking to be a shorter time skip and there not much development in the relationship, I’m quite excited to see what milestones they have passed together and which ones we will look forward to seeing.

This quote from Oliver interests me a lot “They’re still learning and figuring things out about each other and what a relationship might or could look like.” I feel like this could mean a few things, one being they are both firefighters and this is something new for Buck to navigate and also possibly new for Tommy as well. Both of them will have to get used to seeing the other leave for long shifts that mean they may not come home completely safe and sound. That will mean navigating the emotions that come with this, learning how to let one another go knowing that they will worry but they have to trust one another and having to live with the feeling that the other could get hurt without them being able to help/ get there as quick as they wish they could.

This is also the first relationship Buck has been in with a man and that will come with many obstacles, these could arise from being something that Buck hasn’t done before. A queer relationship come with pressures and negativity that straight relationships do not. Especially being in a queer relationship for the first time while having a boss like Gerrard and being separated from Bobby, someone he goes to advice and is a major part of Buck’s support network.

Another thing I get from this quote is they are working out how to be around each other and what they want their future to be like. This could include moving in which is something I would love to see but after this quote I am curious if it will be early season 8 or further down the line as a conversation talking about living situations could definitely come under what Oliver said.

I think as well the choice to bring back Gerrard will make things interesting for Buck and Tommy. I think it will give a good look at how they work through problems together and how they come to solutions. It will also show us more about how their relationship works, how they communicate and how they support each other. I hope that their relationship is explored in this arc because personally I think it would be a missed opportunity to not show how a newly out Bi character deals with a homophobic boss and how he communicates this with his boyfriend who has gone through it before.

Furthermore in S8 I really do hope we see many happy moments from them and we get to see ‘I love yous’ and milestones from them, I also hope we get to see some adversity. Preferably from outside sources rather than coming from within the relationship, such as one of them getting injured and having to navigate what that means for them and if they can cope. I would like to see them go through something like this and come out the other side even stronger.

As I have already said I would love to see them move in together and see Tommy’s house. To me this would signal that they (and the show) plan to stay with each other for a while and I would love to see Buck choose to live with his partner not because it just kinda happened like with Abby or out of some kind of guilt like with Taylor. I want him to make the choice and it be a deliberate and loving choice that allows him to spend more time with Tommy and increases their strength within the relatiionship.

To focus a little more on Tommy, I do hope he is featured in the opening arc in some way or another. I will be happy with any scenes he gets but i would love if he got a prominent role and we got to see his skills as a firefighter. I think having a pilot as a character is a good addition to the line up and allows for interplay between firefighters on the ground and in air support and means he can be included in more scenes as it has been shown he also does groundwork.

To end this ramble I hope that we get to see them happy and healthy. I hope the show explores their relationship and how different aspects of their life affect what they do and say. I truly hope that Buck is now off the hamster wheel and we don’t have to see him get back on it. I want to see Buck grow more within his professional life and outside of what he is like in relationships.

[obscured-everything]

​​OBSCURA trailer analysis & theories

The OBSCURA trailer is very pretty (watch it if you haven’t already <3) and is also full of interesting symbolism and snippets of Latin. In this post I’m going to be manually translating and providing notes on the Latin, as well as discussing what the numbers mean and giving my own plot speculations. SPOILERS for OBSCURA’s Chapter 1 with every love interest. 

I’m going to be working with the theory that the numbers correspond to the Major Arcana in a Rider–Waite���Smith tarot deck. I’ll be pulling tarot card information from A.E. Waite’s 1910 book ‘The Pictorial Key to the Tarot’, where he discusses the symbolism of the images in the cards and provides divinatory meanings. 

Shoutout to @/starlitmanta and @/mostlygayrage for posting their own analyses before me! I got inspired by both of them to both write down my thoughts and then actually finish the post after leaving it for months lol. @/mostlygayrage has some interesting stuff on the imagery and also delved into the Latin! Although he took it as one sentence which I won’t be doing – I’m going to take the double forward slashes as an indication of a break. 

Disclaimer that I haven’t formally studied Latin in years so if there are any errors feel free to point it out in the notes! 

Cirrus

18. Presbyter // Ecclesiae lunaris XVII: The Moon. Priest // Lunar churches 

18. Obsequium // ducit ad caelum Obedience // he leads to heaven TL notes N/A Tarot meaning To quote Waite, “The moon is increasing on what is called the side of mercy… the path between the towers is the issue into the unknown. The dog and wolf are the fears of the natural mind in the presence of that place of exit, when there is only reflected light to guide it…the message is: Peace, be still; and it may be that there shall come a calm upon the animal nature...” 

Upright: Hidden enemies, danger, darkness, terror, deception, occult forces, error. Reversed: Instability, inconstancy, silence, lesser degrees of deception and error. Speculation I think we can all agree that Cirrus is not trustworthy, hence danger, deception, occult forces etc. Nevertheless, Vesper (if you’ve got a good ending, at least) puts great degrees of trust in him. ‘A calm upon the animal nature’ calls to mind his odd ability to influence Vesper’s choices and force them into saying ‘yes’, but I also thought it might reference something about Vesper putting aside their instinctive reservations about Cirrus’ suspicious character to follow him into an unknown future. 

Leading to heaven is, to me, a bit double-edged; it could mean death or paradise. Very fitting, I think. 

Keir

20. Keir // Cavillatur fur XX: Judgement. Keir // Mocking thief 

20. Fatum // vestrum vel extraneus [Destiny / (calamitous) death] // yours or a stranger TL notes I’m inclined to believe that Keir’s name being his plain name rather than an epithet is probably just part of his blunt kind of character, and ‘mocking thief’ is probably related to his personality too. Also, there is another piece of Latin on that first screen – ‘cultellus’, which means ‘dagger’ and points downwards towards where his dagger is held. Also, ‘fatum’ is a very interesting word in that it carries an intriguing potential double meaning. Tarot meaning Upright: Change of position, renewal, outcome. Reversed: Weakness, pusillanimity, simplicity; also deliberation, decision, sentence. Speculation Waite’s initial discussion of Judgement is very Biblical which I doubt has much to do with OBSCURA’s use of it. I do think the divinatory meanings are very interesting – I think that at a good/best end of Keir’s route, he’ll be able to come out on top and secure a good and/or stable future for himself and/or Mouse Hole. 

My current theory is that, since we have had mentions of Keir and Oleander in each others’ routes, that they have direct effects on each others’ fates. This fits with ‘yours or a stranger’ of course, but also the double-edged ‘destiny or (calamitous) death’ – I’ll speculate more in Oleander’s route, but I think he and potentially most of Mouse Hole will not fare well if Vesper picks Oleander. 

I’m interested in why his dagger was explicitly pointed out and labelled. I’m kind of shooting in the dark here but I think it’ll be significant in the future – either as a symbol of his history (specifically with Oleander, perhaps?) or as a plot device of some sort. 

Oleander

11. Nerii // Periculosum scurra XI: Justice. Of oleander // Dangerous clown 

11. Patiuntur // sicut habes They are suffering // just like you are TL notes More technically, ‘nerii’ is the genitive of ‘nerium’, which means oleander. This makes sense to me when I think about how he’s had a history of changing names – he’s moreso embodying the qualities of oleander (a pretty but dangerous plant) rather than taking it as a definitive name. 

‘Patiuntur’ is in the plural, and suffering might be a strong word depending on how you look at it – the original word is like enduring through something difficult or unpleasant. Tarot meaning Waite basically says that the card has ‘obvious meanings’ so I don’t think I need to look too closely into it. 

Upright: Equity, rightness, probity, executive; triumph of the deserving side in law. Reversed: Law in all its departments, legal complications, bigotry, bias, excessive severity Speculation The second half of the second piece of Latin, ‘sicut habes’, is in the second-person and I’m assuming that this is meant to address Vesper/MC. Maybe Oleander is also looking for something that he can’t find or afford, although the plural throws me off a bit if that’s the case. Maybe it’s referencing Oleander’s previous Vigils (since Vesper is currently holding that position, ‘just like’ they have) or something…? 

Now, here is my plot theory which may or may not be insane. We know that Oleander has committed murder, and was very blasé about it; presumably he’s done this sort of thing before. We know that in his route, Keir has been alluded to, Griff has shown up and Keir is presumably going to show up at some point. I think that Oleander’s involvement with Keir is going to end very poorly for Keir, even leading to the calamity insinuated in Judgement. Specifically, I think that Oleander and Keir are going to be caught up in a serious crime and Keir is going to take the fall, leading to a permanent end for him (death, probably) and the following collapse of Mouse Hole. Oleander will get off lightly or scot-free (Justice’s ‘triumph of the deserving side in law’, ‘deserving’ as opposed to Keir who is indisputably a criminal and receives ‘excessive severity’). 

This could be from Keir and his group failing the burglary since Vesper isn’t there to cover for the injured lookout, or it could be something else that brings in the dagger which was pointed out in Keir's portion of the trailer. I’m thinking murder, honestly. 

Francesco

10. Franciscum // innocentes nobiles X: Wheel of Fortune. Francisco // innocent nobles 

10. Tempus // decurrit Time // runs out TL notes Grammatically, ‘Franciscum’ is in the accusative (the case used to mark the ‘object’ on which a verb acts). This could be a stylistic thing or it could allude to how he’s being ‘acted upon’ by whatever power/influence his family have. 

‘Decurrit’ is literally ‘runs down’ which fits with the hourglass imagery, but I imagine that the spirit of the phrase is ‘runs out’ especially since his route already alludes to that. Tarot meaning To quote Waite, “the symbolic picture stands for the perpetual motion of a fluidic universe and for the flux of human life … the essential idea of stability amidst movement. Behind the general notion expressed in the symbol there lies the denial of chance and the fatality which is implied therein.” 

Upright: destiny, fortune, elevation, luck, felicity. Reversed: increase, abundance, superfluity. Speculation I think that at some point within Francesco’s route, his family is going to be further involved. I assume that these are the ‘innocent nobles’, which makes me think that whatever state or situation that they find Francesco in won’t be very innocent at all. Alternatively, it could be that his family is more innocent/harmless than they present themselves as – depending on circumstance, this could be a big win for Vesper or a big loss because they don’t have the family backing that they thought they did. 

The Wheel of Fortune carries connotations of luck and change in fortune. I assume that Vesper provides Francesco with some degree of ‘stability amidst movement’ and that any ‘denial of chance’ involves Francesco leaving the marketplace and returning to the very clearly mapped out future that his family has for him, thus leading to a bad end. ——————————

Thanks for reading to the end!

[mtkay13]

-你身上有光 dyptich-

BACK AGAIN with more "Light on you" stuff! I really can't let go of this passage, haha. And I have A LOT MORE TO SAY so Let's go! (LONG post ahead)

This post will contain:

my own attachment and what I love in this scene

what lead me to depict them like this

a personal translation of the passage in the book

But to begin with, a little something about storytelling. In order to help writers, some "storytelling rules" have been set up and theorised about. Those rules are, of course, meant to be broken, and one does not need to follow them in order to write a good story; but during the storytelling course I followed, a few of those rules have stuck with me, especially this one:

The main character, the hero of the story, will be the one to shine or to "save the day" in the end.

Again--does this rule need to be respected for a good story? Not necessarily, but when struggling with how to manage an ending or a main character, it can be helpful.

Anyway. For me, this scene, the "there's light on you" scene, kind of is that scene--that one scene where ZZS is the main character, is the hero. TYK has an interesting story structure, where if you go by the book of typical wuxia stories, ZCL would be the main character; and if you look at whom goes through the biggest internal journey throughout the story, it would be WKX. ZZS's own story technically spans across both QY and TYK, which makes TYK a bit more about WKX's journey than ZZS'.

But that very scene is not only ZZS saving WKX, but also ZZS reaching the conclusion of his own journey. By the end of QY, ZZS didn't go and meet with Jiuxiao. He deliberately looked the other way, too scared to go check on him, too superstitious; and in the end, Jiuxiao died. TYK puts ZZS in a similar position: someone he loves is away, and the choice to go reach them is in his hands. He decided to respect WKX's wish to go and fight his own battle alone, yet he ultimately went against it, changed and moved on from who he was in QY, to go and fight by WKX's side.

It's no surprise that I'm very into ZZS, and this image of him bathed in light, beating the scorpion to his own game and "taking back" this main character spot... It makes me go insane. Not to mention all the incredible quotes of this passage. "His person"? "There's light on you"? Come on!! I'm also. Obsessed with how and what WKX saw. What he must have felt, as he was ready to die, when he saw his person, his husband, dashingly get rid of all the enemies, almost at the peak of his power, come and "collect his corpse"--save him? Just!! Imagine!!! Imagine being WKX and this is how it ends!!! You're the GVM, you've had the life you've had, you finally meet someone that you truly love, the guy's about to die, then maybe not, AND THEN HE COMES TO SAVE YOUR LIFE AGHHHH 😭😭😭 Sorry, I REALLY like this. REALLY.

-------

cough--So, about their expressions and what I wanted to represent. For ZZS, to me... it was a mix of closure, fondness, and satisfaction. I think that ZZS had a "good time", going back to who he was before: tailing the scorpions, going undercover, ambushing from the shadows--not to mention slowly retrieving his full power. I think that this ZZS feels quite good, especially now that he got the confirmation that WKX is still alive. Then, the feeling of having done "the right thing". He's... beyond regret, now. He was able to follow his heart, quite literally, and that also feels good. The fondness is of course because he's looking at WKX. What else is he supposed to feel?? They haven't met for 3 months! I think that he's worried, but they trust each other. He trusts that WKX will survive this, that he'll be strong, that he won't die on him. So yeah. I wanted this ZZS confident--in himself, in WKX, in the future. WKX is a bit dazed, there. Probably in pain, and a bit stunned as he wasn't expecting it. But he's also... a bit enthralled; by this light, by how impressive and efficient his husband is, and, of course, the fact that ZZS came for him. The person he loves, the person whose life matters more than everything else now that WKX has reached his goal, came for him, came to save him. This stupid guy came for him instead of going to the mountain to prepare on his own. Yet another blatant show of them being so alike, isn't it? I guess... it's just a lot of love, a bit of pride, the faintest hint of him being amused, even--and maybe relief, as well. He won't die, and ZZS is there, and he's strong, and again, like for ZZS, there's a future--which he never allowed himself to properly consider, I believe. -------- Finally, a personal retranslation of that scene. I did it not because I thought it really needed it but because the only existing TL of this part of the book doesn't allow for reposting and I figured I may as well try. So for anyone who doesn't remember the passage or hasn't read the book/reached this chapter, here it is!

The Scorpion raised his hand and was immediately handed a weapon. His smile vanished as he looked at Wen Kexing leaning against the tree, already quite injured. He said: “For someone like the Ghost Lord, I must act in person—it would be quite disrespectful to get someone else to do the job.” 

As he spoke, he raised his hook across his chest and approached slowly. He continued in a low voice: “I invite the Ghost Lord to walk ahead on the Yellow Spring road.” 

He then fell silent, raising the hook higher and higher. Wen Kexing opened his eyes, quietly looking at him, his pitch-black irises like two dark pools of murky water, calm as if he wasn’t the one about to die.

The Scorpion suddenly felt a violent gush of wind surging from the side, charged with killing intent—electrified by an aura of death, goosebumps rising on his skin, he shouted as he lifted his hook in the air and promptly sliced through—the assailant was wearing the black robes of the scorpions, but didn’t wear a mask, had a soft blade in hand—he swiftly avoided the hook; a sudden, sharp pain made the Scorpion cry out as the soft blade wrapped around his arm which, at once, was ripped from his body and fell to the ground. 

The several scorpions standing behind their leader immediately assumed a tactical formation—but then, a dashing figure, a metallic chime, and they all stood, dazzled; one swift move for it to be settled: one man standing, several men on the ground. Whether they were dead or alive, all of those who layed still were missing the arm holding their weapon. 

Wen Kexing recognised the man. He abruptly sighed, and said in a low voice: “Idiot, what are you doing here?”

Zhou Zishu threw him a side glance and sneered: “I came to collect your corpse, madman.” 

The effects of the Nails of seven apertures and three autumns were suppressed by the medicine Da Wu had given Zhou Zishu, and at that moment his gong fu had been restored to nine parts of its peak capacity. If the Scorpion already wasn’t on par should they have a fair fight, then he didn’t stand a chance when ambushed from the shadows. 

Zhou Zishu turned to the Scorpion, the pointed end of Baiyi slightly angled down, and he sharply asked: “You dare threaten my person?”

A bit stunned, Wen Kexing watched the back of the man standing in front of him, and slight shivers started coursing through his fingers resting on the ground. 

The Scorpion’s face was deathly pale, yet he still managed to smile and painfully say: “Ah… Brother Zhou, my apologies, I didn’t expect you to honour us with your presence.” 

He briefly gauged the two men, waving his remaining hand: “Great master, we won’t counter any further. We bid you farewell———retreat!”

The few scorpions that were still alive crawled and scrambled to their feet and hurriedly followed the Scorpion as he withdrew. Zhou Zishu didn’t try to follow and just turned around to face and look at Wen Kexing.

Wen Kexing’s eyes shone brightly, but he simply chuckled: “You should be more careful for…” 

Before he could finish, Zhou Zishu’s eyes focused, he swiftly twirled, the blade that was in his hand suddenly split through the air in a beautiful arch—a tinkling sound as it hit something, and soon enough a muffled groan rose from the woods behind them. Zhou Zishu shook his head and sighed: “Using the same move against the same person twice—are all these scorpions merely one trick ponies? And they dare claim to be on par with Siji manor?”

Wen Kexing watched him, slightly dazed. His mouth curved into a smile as he suddenly extended his hand in the air, trying to catch something.

Zhou Zishu frowned and asked: “What are you doing?”

Wen Kexing said softly: “There’s light… on your body. I’m catching it to see…” 

Thanks for reading!

[mylifeforchloe]

This a little abnormal for my blog as far as the kinds of posts I make, but I feel like this kind of a Public Service Announcement (PSA) is necessary for the fandom. Things like this make me really concerned-- not only for the LIS3:DE (new Max story) story that is going to be told, but also for the quality of working environment for those who work at Deck Nine.

Quotes from the linked article that bothered me...

[Edit: Original post was a link post with text after. I saw the link in the edit screen and scheduled the post. For some reason this caused the link to get removed when the article was actually posted. Editing to put the link in the original article. I also posted a follow up (before editing the original) to include the same info. Editing original for completeness only.]

Nazi imagery would be inappropriate in most games, but in a Life Is Strange title the dissonance was especially frightening.

...

According to over a dozen current and former employees across several departments, most of whom spoke to me on condition of anonymity for fear of reprisal, Deck Nine’s management has long let a toxic work culture fester at the studio. They claim the C-suite has protected multiple abusive leaders, encouraged crunch, and allowed bullying of individuals advocating internally for more authentic representation in Life Is Strange.

...

When they saw this version of the [True Colors] scene, a number of people pushed back, arguing that the scene would unintentionally trigger associations with date rape.

...

“It took a three hour meeting in the writers room and one of the writers sharing an extremely personal story to get Zak to agree to get the content out,” said Littleton. “It wasn’t about us not wanting to have difficult topics in there, but Life Is Strange shines because that type of content is chosen extremely deliberately and it’s given runway, it’s given space to breathe. This detail is irrelevant to the plot, it would have been traumatic for players, and there was no space to unpack it. We don’t have time to talk about what it means for Alex to be roofied by a man she trusted.”

fuuu...

Another anonymous source recalled Garriss suggesting that this pushback was only occurring because he was making a game about a woman, and that he wouldn’t have to deal with this if he was making a game about Nathan Drake.

fuuuuu...

[After Garriss' quit voluntarily] Once news got out [that Deck Nine mamagement wanted to re-hire Garriss], the narrative team erupted. Multiple people begged management not to bring back Garriss in a series of meetings, messages, and emails. One person familiar with leadership at the company recalls HR stepping in, noting that management was actively underpaying a number of workers, especially women, while considering a massive salary for Garriss. HR allegedly suggested that Deck Nine could be legally liable for Garriss’ behavior if they invited him back after the bevy of reports. When the company CEO and CFO persisted in arguing that they needed Garriss, multiple writers handed in resignations.

fuuuuuuuuu...

And given that what we've seen in the teaser videos are either

Missing any reference to Chloe

Including a minimalist reference (like a photo on the wall)

Including an awkward reference (Safi? asking Max about the blue haired girl in the picture Max keeps.)

And given that

3a - Either Bay ending, Max keeps a photo of Chloe from before the storm, or

3b - Max keeps a photo of Chloe, but Chloe isn't in her life (possibly not in her life any longer.)

And given that

Costs of developing a story where Chloe is present in only half of the story (the Bae ending version) and the ripple effect that might have on the plot...

I simply do not believe that Chloe will be a meaningful component. And the choices Max is making across dimensions, and the risk of not getting back to Chloe if she were still alive and still part of Max's life... the plot shown doesn't make any sense to me.

So I wasn't going to buy LIS3 to begin with, not without a proper story that included Chloe's presence in Max's present life. And now, after this article, I'm even less likely to buy [anything from D9, ever again,] knowing the cultural depravity of the development studio.

I would, of course, love to be wrong on all counts.

[demigods-posts]

Reasons why The Last Day of Summer from The Lightning Thief musical is an amazing song:

1.) “What do you do when it’s up to you to choose: has something ended or begun?”  It’s the end of the book, the musical, but Percy has to decide if this is the end of his story. This line does an amazing job at explaining Percy’s dilemma.

2.) “Do I stay because it’s safer? Back to the home I left behind. I could stay and train for a peace of the action, but what about peace of mind?” In Good Kid, Percy complains that no has ever asked him if he’d like to come around and stay, but in The Last Day of Summer, the camp directors are asking him exactly that - and he doesn’t have answer. Being a year-round camper allows Percy to strengthen his skillset as a demigod so he can better prepare for a world of monsters, but it requires him to sacrifice the chance to lead a somewhat normal life. I find it admirable that even though he has begun to embrace his godly side, he still has a grasp on his humanity. 

3.) “Perry Johannsson, this means you.” I love this gag that Mr. D deliberately choose to say Percy’s name wrong the entire musical, and also the entire five book series. 

4.) “Sometimes, family is worth the trouble. Believe me.” “I guess we both have a choice to make, Seaweed Brain.” I love the contrast between that moment in Killer Quest when Annabeth calls Percy Seaweed Brain in an attempt to insult him versus in The Last Day of Summer when it becomes almost a mockery of their initial rivalry. Here, Annabeth acknowledges their rocky start, but chooses to not let it define the future of their friendship, and I love that for them. Additionally, Annabeth lets her guard down and briefly confides in Percy, which goes to show that she has begun to trust him and, more so, heed his advice. Their friendship is portrayed so beautifully. 

5.) “Tough last day?” I’m really enjoy all of these callbacks we are getting in this song. When Luke ask Percy ‘Tough first day?’ in Their Sign, Luke has yet to decide if Percy will be a threat to his plan to overthrow the gods. Here, Luke knows Percy is a threat and intends on eliminating him.

6.) “You’re the lightning thief.” “The oracle warned you. ‘Betrayed by a friend.’” Percy saying the title of the show, and Luke quoting the line referring to his betrayal >>>>

7.) “I’ll do anything. I don’t care if I hurt anyone. It doesn’t pay to be a good kid, a good kid, a good son.” This line right here forces the listener to empathize with Luke. While we may not agree with the decision he makes, we understand why he makes them: because he was once was where Percy is. 

8.) “Soon, you’ll see what I did.” Throughout the PJO series, we see Percy have resentment toward Luke for good reasons, but when Percy denies the gods offer in 'The Last Olympian', he, in a round-about way, defends Luke. Even as Percy grows older, he understands Luke’s stance toward the gods and the shitty system they created of sending their kids off to do their bidding. Luke was right. In time, Percy would soon see what he did and why he did it.

The Last Day of Summer is such a beautiful song. The callback to previous songs in the musical, Annabeth and Percy becoming good friends, Luke’s reprise of Good Kid, the foreshadowing that Percy will grow up to understand why Luke is doing what he’s doing. Just, everything about it is so amazing!

[implausiblyjosh]

Cohost Criticism

The thing about cohost is that you have to walk on eggshells if you wanna talk about cohost, let alone criticize cohost. Here are two bits of criticism about cohost from me, one posted on cohost another posted on Twitter.

Criticism of cohost, on cohost

Transparency is not bad, I don’t think. But it’s incredibly clear that it’s been used to frame ASSC and cohost as some plucky little co-op that could, so that when criticism of cohost happens it’s immediately framed as a personal attack on Staff. Almost every single time criticism of cohost has happened on here, big posts go around talking about how they’re just 4 people and how could you ever suggest improvements, don’t you know you’ll KILL the site, criticizing the site is like yelling at the McDonald’s cashier, etc etc etc. I’ve said this all before, and like… idk, sucks that it took two different incredibly vitriolic discourses around accessibility to finally get people on staff to be like “please don’t fight on our behalf.” It’s also pick and choose, right? When criticism comes up, it’s the realities and transparency of financials and how it’s just 4 people and on and on, but like… hey, do we know how they got the money? What’s the relationship there? How were they able to just have what seems to be a friend loan for a few years with no delivered product/service? What happened to all the site ideas before cohost? It feels incredibly selective, and the selection is geared towards a parasocial relationship. I mean… people on bluesky are opening up about fallout from they criticizing cohost in private, so it’s not like this culture comes from nowhere.

I’ll quote something I read earlier that I agree with. No links, don’t wanna blow up the spot.

I think they were being deliberately dishonest about being a for profit LLC. I think they know that makes them sound corporate and that's why they call themselves a co-op and a non-profit/not-for-profit (both legal designations they do not meet). I think this is fully an image thing, they want to be the cool leftist co-op and not the company run by former Big Tech employees.

I think they have cultivated a parasocial relationship with their members. I am undecided on whether this was deliberate or if they just don't see the problem with it. They are far too personal about what they post and they explicitly want people to see them as friends, going so far as to saying you need to trust that they're doing things in good faith because they're your friends. Your users don't need to hear about which members of staff are in a polycule together. Your users don't need to hear that bug reports make you feel like a failure. When you make policy choices that cause the site to get into massive fights over them, you shouldn't be posting little jokes about the discourse. Trying to shame users for criticizing a moderation decision you made for not trusting you is absurd, they AREN'T your friends and can only trust you based on the actions they see from you, and if they don't trust you based on that you don't get to chastise them for it. Your hundreds of thousands of users are not your friends. But it was effective, because anyone with any criticism is shouted down by people who seriously think the staff are their friends.

Also, this bit:

To come in and say "we have no idea what we're doing but WE'LL always support you", while sites like Switter had to close down due to various government and corporate pressures, is just...fuck you honestly. If you want the techbro mindset here it is. "Nobody else is doing this because their Morals are bad and our Morals are good!" People who actually have done the hard work of trying to make safe spaces for sex workers failed, but no, I'm sure you all will do great. If they ever ship tipping (at this point I can't see it happening before they fold but let's pretend) they're going to eventually get cut off from their payment processors when it's being used for mostly porn and they're going to learn why everyone else had to quit and then they'll have to pull an excuse out of their ass for why all their grandstanding in the past just fell apart. It disgusts me to pretend like some big ally to sex workers then do this little research into what it actually takes to support them.

This bit gets me the most because, like… they’re remaking Project Wonderful and people are calling it revolutionary. We had creative/user-supported ads for years on sites like Questionable Content. This isn’t new! We’re getting the thing that the old internet had! It’s like calling neocities or SpaceHey or wikidot revolutionary.

Idk how to end this. I’ve been yelling about the culture here for what feels like ages now. It feels like I’m yelling into a void.

---

Criticism of cohost, on Twitter

Cohost post about cohost that’s too spicy for cohost: I don’t know that I’d call the LLC that is marketing itself as a non-profit that only keeps up with its promised monthly financial updates when they want more cash from users “transparent”, but that’s just me.

When the whole of the financial history is laid out and there are some big, glaring questions (who did you get this money from? Why can you not reach them? What happened to the promised features? why are user ads now, suddenly, a good thing?) it doesn’t feel transparent.

If yall haven’t been delivering features, or hitting targets, and acting like making a usable dark mode for your site was some impossible task, why did you give yourselves raises?

It feels like the “transparency” only exists to further a parasocial relationships in your favor. The important questions are left alone, but just enough is given to cultivate an active userbase that wants to fight any and all criticism on your behalf.

It happens in the comments of their posts. I saw someone ask completely sensible questions about the finances, on the finances post, and were immediately called a middle manager.

It happens on the site. People got real mad that someone would dare give links and document discourse on cohost. It wasn’t about the rancid vibes of the post*, it was about the act of linking to cohost from off-site period.

It happens off-site. People made pillowfort accounts to attack the person mentioned before. On bluesky someone is getting attacked for explaining their horrible experience with the founders.

This doesn’t feel like transparency, because the end goal here isn’t a “not-for-profit” that finally made a good site and made it last. It’s about a LLC asking you for your money when times are tough and discouraging criticism anywhere.

Another post about cohost that’s too spicy for cohost: Just because your friends run an LLC doesn’t mean your friend’s LLC shouldn’t be criticized as a business. Actively discouraging criticism cause your friends run the LLC has actively made cohost’s vibes rancid.

[philtstone]

🔥

🔥 wild card: dealer’s choice of quote from a wip

[daily affirmations voice] i WILL eventually finish this wip i WILL I WILL,

The bandages are just sitting there on the floor between them. She scowls, and grabs one. With fumbling fingers, she rips it open, then folds it over itself and applies it methodically to his scraped up knee, which is resting bent by her elbow.

Jamie does not try to stop her, and only watches silently for a moment. The bacta in the tissues must sting, and she can feel the sticky friction of congealing blood and marketplace grit under her ministrations. But she doesn’t stop, and he doesn’t ask her to. She can feel wet spots on her cheeks slowly dry.

Presently, his knee looks marginally less of a disaster.

“You really believe me?” Claire says finally, looking up from her makeshift tissues, browned and bloodied now.

She feels a bit like a Walker whose legs have been cut out from under it, struggling to find ground. Jamie’s exhale is as much a sigh of relief as it is the sort of aching, quiet empathy that is so hard to come by these days.

“Aye, Sassenach.”

“All of it?”

It’s not really a foolish demand -- question is too generous a word -- but Jamie raises one eyebrow, the corner of his mouth ticking again.

“Well,” he says, leaning in with the air of a conspirator. He flicks off his points on his fingers; at this proximity, Claire can feel his warmth even more acutely than before. “I already kent there was truth tae the Force, so that isnae much of a surprise. I dinna ken if ye know this, lass, but ye’ve a horrible sabaac face, so ye cannae be some sort of Imperial spy. I saw ye use the Force wi’ my own twa eyes -- which was kind’ve incredible, by the way -- so ye cannae be lyin’ about that ... all tha’ remains is whether or no’ the Jedi truly existed, an’ ye arenae jest some sort of deep space witch --”

“A deep space --”

“-- as Mrs. Crook used tae believe in. Our auld housekeeper,” he adds, at Claire’s undoubtedly baffled expression.

“What?” Claire manages, after a moment; he’s paused, that serious expression back in place. But his eyes are twinkling.

“I do believe you,” Jamie repeats, in a quiet, deliberate voice. “I do. Wi’ everythin’ in me. I trust ye, Claire.”

[divinekangaroo]

hi! i commented on the fic itself but i have to know more - absolutely loved ‘just enough to let me drown’ and very intrigued by the essay you said you could write about ‘the one thing he’s never done’ - if you’re up for it, i would love to hear said essay

Link to work in progress fic:

Many, many overlapping concepts, really, which are difficult to get into a coherent flow. I have attempted across a couple of posts!

Relevant interlocking quotes and some notes within:

Tommy’s standing in the hotel foyer conflicted between wanting and not wanting people to recognise him and Diana, and he thinks:

‘…a hope they were recognised [can someone on the outside see something’s not right here?], because it scratched [listening for the sound of something on the other side of the tunnel wall scratching through] at him uneasily [see below], this particular proving, her dressed like that [upper class] and him dressed like this [working man]. If Mosley was somehow contriving to hit him with a charge of rape[where did that word suddenly come from, Tommy, with no context for it?], or to blackmail him with this somehow [Mosley has blackmailed Tommy before], there might be some doubt if people witnessed him and her together at peace [peace is a loaded word for Tommy: truce? weapons down? death (RIP)?  Or simply acceptance?] … It hurt so much [being raped hurts] to think that word [rape] for some reason [why are you being vague, Tommy?  You know the reason]. Tommy Shelby, gone down at last [put in prison/convicted/hung] for rape. The one thing he’d never done [how so very ironic if he was convicted in a legal system for this, given further context below]. He was so careful about that [not committing rape]. [Because he’s so very careful that sex is either a clear transaction/trade for coin, hence the prostitutes, or because he makes sure to explicitly verbally articulate the question “Do you want to fuck/fuck me?” and obtains return consent.] He knew there was a line [reference to crossing the line, in the context of going too far and not caring about unintended consequences, raping children, impact to Charlie, abusing power, abusing trust, or in this context, committing a sex act a rape]. It was barely a thread [the line itself is very difficult to see and it’s so thin and easy to cross and it’s also very easy to break].’

When he’s in the hotel room kneeling on the floor between Diana’s legs, the actual quote from palmviolet’s query:

‘This same odd ringing trepidation [anxiety/tunnels again, the looming dread of hearing and waiting for the collapse or explosion or bang] from before, that word [rape] like a bell [the institutional bell; institutions and the abuse of power particularly against children]. The one thing he’d never done [per the first quote, but the trepidation now intensifies because he’s actually in a sexual position now, and he also has a visual loop of sexualised violence playing in his head as a kind of unexpected thing which is making him hard.  The first quote using this statement was an intellectual response (they might be setting me up for rape) but thinking it now is because of this layer born from hyperanxiety/intrusive thinking (what if I accidentally do rape her?)] Why did he keep thinking it? [rape.  And why does he keep thinking it?  He can’t set the word aside.  More on this below] Imagine leaving Charlie with that for a father [more on this below]. Not that on top of everything else.  [Rape being the worst crime Tommy can think of, he’d accept going down for murder, for theft, extortion, tax crimes, smuggling, but not rape.  More on this below]’

And then after the act, where we circle back to his canon flashback on the narrowboat, when he ‘found himself at the narrowboat’ [also a deliberate choice of “found himself:” he’s back at his first childhood home to find himself after being lost and adrift with Diana]:

‘Sprawling on that narrow bunk where his father slept with his mother and fucked her willing and unwilling [confusing for kids because why could sex sometimes be ok and sometimes not?] for years while they all listened and did nothing.’ [Home was the first place he learned about rape, the source of why rape is the worst crime Tommy can think of because it's the only marker that now distinguishes himself from his violent father, and the first place he felt powerless against rape/sex generally.  More below.]

Broader Thought Piece:

Three layers in the quote palmviolet flagged

The first superficial layer, intended to be overtly read, is him thinking this: they have so much power over him, and sex from a position of power is rape; Diana could easily cry rape before, during or after, and her word against his would see him put away. After everything he’d done and contrived and hidden, it would be this stupid sex act where he’s not even actually raping her that sees him done and hanged. It would be ironic and horrible.

Except that’s the oh so very easy thing to think. Thinking that repeatedly and on loop lets him cope with the shape of the word rape without having to think the more disturbing and deeper thing, the thing that “scratched at him uneasily”. Because he doesn’t want to have sex with Diana, and yet he will have sex with Diana, and there’s no guarantee there is a transaction or a return benefit to make this an overt acceptable trade, because Diana didn’t agree to help him. And if he doesn’t want sex and there’s no transaction and yet sex is still happening, that’s rape, isn’t it?

Except he cannot think that about himself. Not only for the attack that the thought makes on his identity, masculinity and power, but also because the very law and mores of the time don’t even let that be considered. It’s not possible for a woman to rape a man. Yet this stupid word keeps bouncing around his skull, and he doesn’t know what to do with it.

So he pivots it even further into this twisted anxiety of ‘I might accidentally commit rape on her, because I am a violent man, and my mind’s decided to think some pretty violent sexual things which she can’t possibly want. And unfortunately I can’t actually speak (part of the oral trauma was the symbolism of violently silencing him, albeit he’s not that badly hurt) to ask her the way I might usually do, and so I have no way of navigating this sanely’.

These three readings as the guts of the fracture in Tommy’s thinking:

- ‘they have power over me and might get me for rape’ (which he thinks is rational but is actually irrational) – surface

- ‘why do I keep thinking the word rape? Why?’ (the emotional response/the anger and disgust and shame) the hook for the reader to recognise it’s him avoiding thinking he’s being raped – call this one the deepest layer, because he can’t even get near to thinking anything like this about himself

- the anxiety / intrusive thinking (which is absent of rationality rather than irrational) of ‘I might actually accidentally commit rape given my potential for violence and that this woman has made me angry.’ - call this the middle layer, he is aware of it at some level

Not forgetting Tommy’s rationalising that he’s doing this voluntarily, in order to eventually get what he wants out of them. He *could* just walk out of that room, right, she can’t stop him doing that. So the surface thought and middle thought are driving his actions, but the deeper thought/emotion is silenced but drives all his emotional trauma.

Gaslit into participating in his own rape

I refer to Diana x Tommy as Tommy being gaslit into participating in his own rape. He rationalises it to himself and hence participates. It’s only that deepest level of emotion/thought implied in the above quote that screams you’re being raped, trying to get him out of that room. (He manages immobility, and he manages one half-step backwards at one point, that's it.)

I speculate Tommy’s had some very open conversations with Dr Holford (a whole essay and fic in itself) which Diana and Mosley had full access to, plus a lot of background research by Mosley (alluded to with Mosely’s S5 reference to May and Diana’s S6 statement on ‘research’ to Ada; I headcanon they also spoke to Tatiana), plus Holford accessing Tommy’s earlier psychologist/psychiatrist records. They *know* Tommy’s mental/emotional state. So, when he reaches out to Diana for her financial/influential help, they contrive to put him in this situation and seem to greatly enjoy the fact he thinks he still has some kind of voluntary participation in it.

This is why I call it gaslighting and why I still think it’s rape, even though he does have all his layers of rationalising as well. The crux of this being gaslighting is: Tommy has already been given his false terminal diagnosis. His rationalising doesn't hold true if the basis of his belief is their lying.

Mosley (and Diana) have already decided that Tommy has no further use for them and he needs to die. They no longer need Tommy coming across to work under Mosley and bring political power with him. Diana fucking Tommy in this way, and the scene they then contrive with Lizzie, is entirely just Diana and Mosley fucking around for their amusement, seeing how far they can push Tommy before he kills himself or does something dangerous/destructive. His compliance is no longer meaningful to them in any political way. They just want him to hurt and they want to drive this man to suicide.

[more to come]

[fagziraphale]

🦃

🦃 - a big, meaty quote: deleted passage from primary succession:

“I killed Ligur,” he says, and here is how that happened:

It’ll take a while to regroup. They’re a rowdy bunch, his lot, and from what he knows and what Aziraphale has told him, Heaven isn’t any less red-taped these days. And they won’t walk into a demon’s lair. And demons won’t walk where Hastur’s big mouth has gone off about a holy water trap. So they have time.

“We have time,” Crowley says, because Aziraphale is staring at him. “Uh. They won’t come here. So. Sleep, yeah.”

Right. Aziraphale actually suggested sleep. He didn’t have to justify it at all.

“It’s not like-” Crowley starts at the same time Aziraphale says “When you say-”

They stop. Crowley thinks Aziraphale’s branch of the conversation is well and settled, just by the look he’s getting and the one he’s giving in return, so he continues on his own.

“It’s not like I had a choice,” he mutters. He processes Aziraphale’s facial expression enough to know he doesn’t want to look at it any more.

“Crowley,” Aziraphale says, very deliberately. “You did nothing wrong.”

Terrified. That’s it. That’s why he doesn’t want to look.

“Yeah, I know,” Crowley says.

“I’m glad you’re alright.”

“Yeah.”

“Is there any more,” he says in a whisper.

“No.”

Aziraphale relaxes, if relaxing looked less like relaxing and more like deflating, or just tensing up in a different way. “I should- where is the. I should clean it up.”

“Uh,” Crowley says, because here’s the weird part: “Gone, actually.” He gestures vaguely back towards his study, where they’d wandered in earlier. “I dunno if Hastur got him, somehow-” he couldn’t have, right? “-but, he’s not there anymore.” He waves his hands. “Just, poof.”

“The water, Crowley.”

“Yeah, the water too,” he says, and winces, because of course he’s concerned about the water, they’ve been over this. “You’d have seen it, trust me. Right by the door.” No suit, either. Is that what would happen to him, if Hell got what they wanted? Everything he’d ever conjured: gone? Evaporated, maybe?

Mopped up by an idiot? Who could tell. With any luck, he’d never speak to Hastur again.

[leatherbookmark]

making it a separate post because i’d talk forever and it’s annoying to talk forever in the replies--

gnomeicecream replied to this post:

Makes me wonder if Lan Zhan isn't 'remember that time you thought my boyfriend was evil and nearly whipped me to death? I do' then deliberately not helping. He was left alone for what, three years after?

oh dear, now that's material for a loooooong conversation i'm not sure i'm qualified for, but like. i don't think lwj blames lxc for his punishment!

considering what the punishment is for, he kind of got off lightly; on top of that, lwj says in the banquet extra that "during the years i spent in seclusion, brother would always come visit me and talk to me sincerely", implying that now that the situation is reversed, he can't do the same. he has to feel at least a bit regretful/conflicted about that.

the thing that irks me is that... lxc is just a forever afterthought. this line i just quoted is from literally a three lines long post-coital conversation that happens and fizzes out quickly (wwx then doesn’t reply and they just go to sleep). another occasion lxc is mentioned in the extra is at the beginning of part 2, in which wgxn can’t try fucking while lwj’s doing handstands because “lwj has to visit his brother”. i know the book is about wgxn and the extras are even more so -- just a chance for the readers to bask in their adorable life together -- but from my pov (i don’t really care about wgxn’s adorable life together and i’m heartbroken about xiyao) it’s just... sad.

it’s been a while since i’ve read the chapters earlier than the one with the post-burial mounds lotus pier jgy haters conference, so i don’t remember all instances of the gusu twin jades interacting, but i can’t help but think that the whole jgy business kind of... changed it in a way that i’m not sure is salvageable. what i mean is that after lwj realized wwx is back, he sort of -- yeeted him on the very top of his priority list, and forgot everything and everyone else in the process, well, save for lsz because he’s wwx’s Kid Buddy From The Burial Mounds. he trusts and supports wwx completely, even if he has no real empirical reason for it -- wwx says jgy killed nmj, so jgy killed nmj, duh. the jades have their thing with silent communication, but i don’t remember lwj even showing that he’s in any way concerned with how lxc might feel about this.

in the guanyin temple as well -- i believe they do it out of concern for lxc, but i can’t help but feel bitter when wgxn tell lxc not to talk to jgy, not to believe him and so on, when they don’t want jgy to Tangle LXC In His Web Of Lies Again. i don’t know how to put it, but it’s like -- lxc isn’t a full person in this situation? they sort of assume he’s been tricked by jgy. they treat him almost like a child who doesn’t know better, when he says it himself that it’s not that he didn’t know jgy was up to No Good, he just trusted that he was doing it because he had no other choice. no thought is given to this revelation! jgy is bad, jgy is an excellent actor and a skilled manipulator, so it’s best to just not let him talk to lxc at all.

i think that at this point, lwj doesn’t understand lxc at all. i’m not sure whether he’s aware of this, so focused on wwx. probably not. but before he leaves, he doesn’t do anything to even show lxc... anything, really? i’ll be there for you, brother? i don’t understand, but i feel your pain? anything else, just anything! but there’s nothing. and by the time lxc is mentioned next time, it’s in the context of lwj not trying to help him because “it would be fruitless either way”. doesn’t that sound just fucking bleak.

because here, i feel, is the source of the problem, lxc’s crown of the most tragic elder sibling: his little brother doesn’t even know how to help him. there’s nothing he thinks he can do in this situation. does he even have anything to say about jgy, or his relationship with lxc? does he have anything to say about how his beloved helped bring him down? is he sorry about that, does he feel bad that lxc can’t or doesn’t want to face the world?

we just don’t know dot gif.

we do know, though, that at the end of the novel wangxian agree that they’ll tell lxc the truth -- the horrible truth that might make lxc, gasp! realize new things about his friend -- when he asks. which is honestly... well, i think you can guess how i feel about it.

it’s funny, though -- we talk a lot about the yunmeng bros’ reconciliation, is it possible or not, etc, etc, even though through jin ling all things are possible so jot it down. the fact that jl stubbornly points out that jc clearly wanted to say something to wwx -- this, i think, is a hint that they will eventually talk. or at least it would be in a world that i think would make sense; in a world where wwx has relationships other than lwj and the juniors. what should be debated more, i think, is the relationship between the lan brothers. the problem of lxc is often glossed over in fics; of course he leaves seclusion and attends wgxn’s wedding as their first and main shipper&supporter, and of course he finds peace, whatever the fuck it is. but does he really? i think lxc “finding peace” primarily should mean him figuring out what he wants as a person, individual, not “sect leader lan” or “lwj’s big brother”, but he, lan huan courtesy xichen. and i think that one of these things could be... understanding. and i don’t know if lwj can offer him that tbh

[glowyhaze]

The Thin Thread of Forgiveness (and How It Snapped Anyway)

I like to think of love as a roller-coaster. Thrilling highs, gut-dropping lows, and the occasional feeling that you might vomit, but you hang on because you bought the ticket. Unfortunately, my ride was less “romantic movie” and more like those rusty county fair contraptions where you just know the bolts are loose. And in my case, those bolts were named “trust,” “self-worth,” and “common sense.”

You see, surviving with someone after they’ve cheated on you feels a lot like trying to carry a crystal vase tied to a string of dental floss. You hold your breath, you move slowly, and you tell yourself it’s fine—totally fine—while praying the weight of your feelings doesn’t snap the string and send everything shattering to the floor. But no matter how hard i tried, it will snap. That string? Not made for this kind of mess.

The first time he cheated, I didn’t want to believe it. The man I loved, the one I defended to friends who definitely saw the red flags before I did, had done the one thing I thought he never would. But did I leave? Of course not. Because love makes you stupid. I stayed, and I forgave, and I became a walking Pinterest board of inspirational quotes about forgiveness and second chances. “Love is patient. Love is kind,” I whispered to myself, as if love had anything to do with what was happening here.

And so began the painful saga of “trying to make it work” with someone who didn’t even know what “work” looked like. Trust? Gone. Every text alert, every unexplained late night, every moment his phone was face-down sent me spiraling into my best Sherlock Holmes impression. “Who is he texting? Why is he smiling? Why does he suddenly care about his hair?” I became that girl—the one who overthinks so hard, she creates problems in her own mind, obsessively accusing him for all the things he didn't do-or he does, i just can't put it altogether. all because someone decided honesty wasn’t his thing.

But I forgave him. Again. I stuck around because love is also stubborn. I convinced myself it was my fault he cheated. Maybe I wasn’t enough. Maybe if I was prettier, smarter, or just a little less “me,” he’d be happy. So I worked harder. I laughed at his bad jokes. I cooked his favorite meals. I canceled my plans to prioritize his needs. I turned myself into a human sacrifice on the altar of his approval, all while holding onto the thin, fraying thread of hope that maybe, by any weird constellation, this time would be different.

It wasn’t. Because when someone cheats on you once, and you let them get away with it, they learn two things: 1) they can do it again, and 2) you’ll probably stay. So he did it again, and this time, I felt the snap. I’ll never forget it—the moment I realized I was the only one trying to fix this broken mess of a relationship. It hit me like a bucket of ice water: he didn’t love me. Maybe he never had. I was just a placeholder, the person he called when it was convenient for him. The love I thought we had was nothing but an illusion I’d painted over reality.

And yet, even then, I didn’t scream at him. I didn’t scream at her. Trust me, I had every right to. Instead, I sat quietly with the weight of the betrayal pressing down on me, swallowing my anger like it was a bitter pill. I let him go, even though it tore me apart. I let him walk away with someone else because fighting for someone who doesn’t choose you is a battle no one ever wins.

Looking back, I realize I had an attachment to him that bordered on self-destruction. Maybe it was a mental thing, or maybe it was just that old, familiar craving for someone who didn’t deserve me. I validated his cheating like it was an exam I’d failed. “Maybe I wasn’t good enough. Maybe I wasn’t pretty enough.” But the truth? Cheating is a choice. A conscious, deliberate choice that says more about the cheater than the person they betray.

But the aftermath? Oh, it’s a special kind of hell. The insecurities it leaves behind turn you into a mess of questions. “What did she have that I didn’t? Why wasn’t I enough?” You start picking apart every inch of yourself, desperately searching for an answer, as if understanding why would make it hurt any less. It doesn’t. Because the truth is, there’s nothing to “understand.” There’s no logic in betrayal.

And the funny thing is, the damage doesn’t stop when the relationship does. It follows you. Into new relationships, into friendships, into quiet nights when you’re just trying to watch Netflix but your brain whispers, “What if he cheats, too?” You start side-eyeing every man you meet, convinced they’re all just better liars waiting to be caught. It’s unfair, of course, but heartbreak doesn’t care about fairness.

Even worse, you compare. Oh, the comparisons are relentless. No matter how terrible my ex was, he’d still win in my head. Why? Because dysfunction feels familiar, and familiarity—even when it’s toxic—is weirdly comforting. Letting go of that comfort, of that chaos, feels like stepping into the unknown with nothing but a flashlight and a vague sense of self-worth.

But I did it. I let go. And it took every ounce of strength I had. I cried more tears than I knew were possible. I begged God to take the pain away. I woke up every morning with a weight on my chest so heavy I could barely breathe. But I didn’t go back. I couldn’t. Because I finally understood that loving someone doesn’t mean you have to destroy yourself for them.

If you’re reading this and you’re in the same boat—whether you’re holding onto that thin thread or watching it snap—let me tell you this: you get to choose your battle. If you want to stay, if you’re willing to live with the anxiety, the mistrust, and the constant second-guessing, that’s your choice. I won’t judge you. I was there, too.

But if you let go, even when it feels impossible, I promise you something better is waiting on the other side. It won’t happen overnight. The sadness will pour down your heart like a storm that never ends—until it does. One day, you’ll wake up and realize the thread is gone, and so is the weight that came with it.

You’ll be free. Not instantly happy, not magically healed, but free. And freedom, my friend, is the first step toward becoming the person you were always meant to be.

So here’s to the hard lessons, and the heartbreak that teaches us what we deserve. May we never settle for less again.

[katieslittlethoughts]

turning off the road after waiting for an intersection

well hello, hello, hello. it's been awhile, I won't even pretend it hasn't been. lots has happened and I probably don't even remember most of it. I'll do a very quick recap:

I went to Nice immediately after Paris

Visited my friend in Switzerland before going back to the States

Went to Utah (what?) for my brother's volleyball tournament

Got an apartment in SF

Went to the Eras Tour !!

Started classes

Got a plant

that should be everything, but honestly I might be leaving some stuff out. many thoughts have come and gone so I honestly don't even remember half of my reflections for each memory, but I think I have some more overall thoughts about being abroad, and now, being back.

my entire life I've seen life as a road. I saw one unnecessarily dramatic image of a fork in the road that probably had the some dramatic quote at the top and decided: "that's it, that's life" as if any of us can sum up the experience of living through a simple metaphor.

all the same, I've always been intentional about life's forks...but honestly they look more like intersections to me. I pay attention when there seems to be choices laid out in front of me that will influence the trajectory of my life, if not for years, then a few months. at these intersections.

I don't just consider my options, I sit down in the middle of the road and try to imagine what my life would look like in the scenarios. after deliberation, I choose a path and embrace my choice. now, this has come around to bite me in the ass for a few reasons:

when I clearly made a choice that was not made for me, instead of turning around, I keep going

I end up spending a lot more time deliberating than actually living

so as you can see, this whole deliberating followed by intense commitment has not exactly worked out. being abroad somehow gave me the push I needed to turn off the road and just start aimlessly driving.

so I've been trusting my gut more, exploring different things that interest me, whether it's a haircut, hobby, or fashion choices. I've felt more authentic than I've felt in a long time and I'm definitely glad I've finally let myself start to live without the pressure of abiding by arbitrary rules of the person I think I should be.

[kittenninja14]

Hey y'all!!

I was watching some Christian tiktoks on YouTube and I stumbled upon this.

I took a snapshot to show this to y'all because this hit me hard.

So I think we all have had some tough days in life. So the question asked many times is what do we do on those days?

I'm actually working on it.

One time, I was sobbing in the bathroom because it was such a challenging day. But God reminded me that these emotions and feelings aren't the truth. And Jesus has placed me FAR ABOVE them all (Ephesians 1: 19-21)

So what I am learning to do is 1) cast all these feelings and frustrations on God because he understands me completely. He know what I'm going through. And he not only knows, he cares about me. 2) I also am trying to have a constant awareness that I am seated far above these negative feelings.

One thing I have learned is that God made feelings so that we can enjoy life. Our feelings were never meant to control us but we controlling them. So I'm working on deliberately try to stay in the perfect peace which God has for me (Isaiah 26:3 AMPC)

But it's always easy to preach but living it is another thing altogether. I'm learning to slowly give it to Jesus. Because it's an exchange. You give Jesus your sorrows and he gives you his joy. (Isaiah 61:3 NIV) It's an EVERYDAY walk with him that we're living.

But with all of these things said, that does not mean that we ignore or bury our emotions. We should learn to feel our emotions but not be led by them. We as Christians are meant to walk in faith, not by our five senses. (2 Corinthians 5:7)

Jesus is a gentleman. He will never force himself upon you. He gives you a choice. And YOU get to choose. He is a good friend. He'll be right by your side through everything. I like this quote from the movie The Shack "sometimes in the pain, you lose sight of me [Jesus]" (paraphrase mine)

The best we can do is to slowly learn to trust him with everything. Slowly learn to give him our pains and sorrow. Because he'll never force peace on you. He gave us a choice: curse or blessing, death or life, and he gave us the answer "choose life" (Deut 11:26-28)

Now with all this being said, it's okay to cry!

Crying is a way we as humans release pain. Whether it be physical, emotional, etc. pain.

But instead of crying alone in a secluded place trying to get away from everything, cry to God. I think that many people are forgetting that God is our Father and our friend! And better yet, he's a GOOD Father (Psalms 103: 13) and a friend who sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24).

So no matter what is going on with your life, keep in mind that you are loved by an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3 AMP). And that no matter what, you are never alone (Deuteronomy 31:8)

And always remember that God loves you, I love you, and JESUS IS LORD!!! <333

-KN

(Feel free to message me, write a comment, or ask a question on my Tumblr account if you have any questions!

https://kittenninja14.tumblr.com/post/731916269075480576/hey-yall-i-just-found-this-incredible-video-and

[feathery-dreamer]

Freefall (webcomic) quotes

fair warning, there's a ton of them

"Coming together to make music and sing is as old as the human race. It was likely the first non-survival related gatherings we did. For what is a community other than a friendly setting where you can make a complete fool of yourself?" ~Gregor

"If microgravity caused rapid fat loss instead of muscle loss, humans would have had a vastly overfunded space program and been an interplanetary species by the 1970's." Sam

"Benevolence. Philanthropy. Altruism. Thinking like an alien makes my brain hurt. Though in this case, totally worth it." Sam

"His Dad's is starting to warm up to me. His Mom, if she warmed up any more, she'd combust." Florence

"Encounters hardship and concentrates on solving the problem rather than complaining or blaming others? That is nonhuman." Tess

"Artificial intelligence won't be fully human for a while. They're too closely supervised. One day you'll read about a bowman's wolf embezzling from the pension fund and then you'll know they've finally reached parity with us." Tess

"In wartime, human officers who fought with the men they were supposed to lead sometimes got fragged. A fragmentation grenade tossed into the tent to remove that officer. What we're seeing here is an unpopular manager getting economically fragged." Sam

"Helix, I'm proud of those guys. I offered one ship, they want three and a station. The robots have learned how to mooch." Sam

"You can be part of humanity without being human. It's culture, not biology. It doesn't matter if you're organic, mechanical, or virtual. If you share the same core values and goals, you're part of our society." -Tess

"If an employee can go on line, create a new account and order a part from Amazon easier than he can get a part out of your own warehouse, you have a problem." Sam

"So we know to get people smarter than us to help. That's a kind of smart all on its own." Sam

"Well, if something is inevitable, the only course of action is to figure out how to profit from it." Sam

"In order to learn from your mistakes, you have to survive them." Sam

"Tell people you're doing something for them out of the goodness of your heart and they'll be suspicious. Tell them you're doing it out of self interest and you'll gain their trust." Sam

"Every now and then, I find it profoundly disturbing that someone trusts me with their life and even more disturbing that I want that trust." Sam

"It is strange. Humans are often more concerned over how something gets done than if something gets done." Rover17

"Most people get along just fine knowing less than one percent about most subjects." Sam

"Negotiation. Extortion. Two sides of the same coin." Sam

Rover17: "Should I take advice from someone who fails to magnetize their feet?" Sam: "People who lack common sense are the best teachers. We've learned from experience!"

Sam: "The Station manager is trying to trick you. By deliberately putting humans in danger, he knew robots would come to the station and provide low cost labor." Rover17: "So to avoid endangering humans, we have to be well paid?" Sam: "Bet you didn't know greed could be altruistic."

"This solar system is filled with people who made the leap to form a new colony. Pioneers, adventures, gamblers and explorers. If given a choice between an overprotected life of ease in the garden of Eden, or a life of hardship with the chance of greatness, they'll go straight for the apple every time." Sam

"You have tiny feet and yet you still find a way to make me worry when the other shoe is about to drop." Niomi

"There's no point in becoming a legend if no one remembers your deeds." Sam

"Hearts and minds sounds good. But if you really want change, you have to get wallets involved." Mr De Morel

"There are those who want power so they may command the wealth of others. Then there are those who want power so their wealth can not be commanded by others." Mr Hillman

"It's also about purpose. It's about being able to contribute to your community. People may not like going to work on Monday. What they like even less are Mondays with no job to go to." Mr Hillman

Mr. Hillman: "Your whole species lives on just one planet? Man, that would make me twitchy! Anything happens to that one planet and BOOM! It's all over." Sam: "Yes. It's a worry I never had until I met humans."

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

I REMEMBER WHAT I WAS GONNA ADD!!

⚠️I’m gonna talk about Marya Van Eck/Hendriks’ trauma and Alys Van Eck’s unsafe relationship and probably touch on Inej’s trauma again too

Alys Van Eck is almost always referred to as a girl rather than a woman, to my memory there is not a single instance where she is referred to as a woman but may I have misremembered. Even in instances that highlight the fact that she, by society at least, is viewed as a fully grown adult - mostly referencing her marriage, her status, and her pregnancy - she is spoken about through an infantilised lens - “she’s just a pregnant girl”. The response to this point is “getting pregnant isn’t actually a special talent, Wylan, ask any luckless girl in the Barrel” which, beyond many other implications, also uses girl over woman when we think of pregnancy as something that should happen only to adults. I made a post a long time ago talking about how important I think it is that this has been done as probably a deliberate choice to constantly remind us that Alys is incredibly young, we don’t have a fix on her age but considering descriptions of her next to Kaz and Wylan’s ages I would guess she’s around 19-23 (I personally picture her about 20/21), and that she is trapped in a potentially volatile relationship that she did not choose - “it’s not her fault her parents forced her into marriage with my father” (that may be paraphrased, sorry, I don’t have my book on me this second, but that’s the essence of the quote). This is a really important quote on many different levels, but it also once again emphasises Alys’ youth and infantilises her as someone controlled entirely by her parents/elders. By having the reader always view Alys through this gaze, we are made constantly aware of her naïveté and the danger she is in - and again I’ve talked a lot about the Van Eck marriages before so I won’t go into loads of detail now, but ultimately I do believe that Van Eck had been abusing Marya for a long time before he had her committed and although I don’t think he was hurting Alys during the duology I think that if he hadn’t been arrested and their marriage continued that he would have done further down the line - “my father trusts himself first, Alys only so far” really jumps out to me as a massively important quote on this matter because of the use of only so far. I think Wylan has recognised that Van Eck’s good nature always had an expiration date, and he also mentions that around Alys his father is the man he used to be around Marya and Wylan

But with everything I’ve said about the use of the word “girl” above, I think that there is another layer to the use of it surrounding Alys: she is defined as Van Eck’s property, and before that was the property of her parents. I am an Alys Van Eck defender for life and god I wish I knew her maiden name because I hate calling her Van Eck

(… petition to start referring to her as Alys Bajan??? Just a suggestion)

Back on my analysis nonsense but not quite awake enough to write a full essay right now so please enjoy this snippet of analysis about Inej, language, and the word “girl”. It’s all stuff I’ve talked about before but I haven’t given it’s own post before and I’ve been rereading some of my old stuff to get back in the mindset so I thought I’d bring this back up because I find it really interesting - I’m also really hoping to write the post about Fruszi that I’ve been planning on doing for basically since season 2 came out tomorrow or at least very soon so hopefully that won’t be too long

Inej Ghafa, Language, and the Word “Girl”

⚠️As always in my analyses, constant spoilers ahead!! 🖤

⚠️I’m going to talk about Inej’s trauma and her ptsd, and this post will also possibly include references to the other characters’ trauma and ptsd as well

Hi okay it’s been a while since we did this and I realise it’s probably the reason most of you follow me so sorry about that but let’s jump right in - I often say it’s after midnight and I’m thinking about Soc so let’s talk but today I actually have to say it’s almost midnight and I’m thinking about Six of Crows, so let’s talk: Inej’s internalised misunderstanding of the Kerch word for “girl”.

In the Bathroom Scene during Crooked Kingdom (which I have a full analysis posted of if anyone would like to read it; I can tag you or you can follow the link in my pinned post), we see Inej at the point she allows herself to be most vulnerable with another character. I think we forget this because we know much more about it than they do, but the other Crows know very little about what Inej went through at the Menagerie - Kaz himself in that very scene describes having “the barest inkling of what she’d endured there” - and previously when we’ve learnt anything about her experiences they have mostly been through flashbacks that Inej experienced during other events of the book. On the boat to Fjerda, in the surgeon’s cabin with Nina, Inej battles with flashbacks and insists Nina sing to her and teach her the chorus of the song to try and distract herself - Nina of course knows that something is going on, but only the reader is actually told what’s happening in Inej’s head - and when she has a flashback at Sweet Reef (the man who smelled of vanilla) she’s alone until Dunyasha arrives. This scene with Kaz is really the only time we see her express herself and, as openly as she can, attempt to speak about some extent of what she went through out loud. I’ve dissected a lot of what she says in this scene in the past and formed theories about it before, but I haven’t talked as much about this quote:

“Tante Heleen wasn’t always cruel”

After this introduction she goes on to explain the emotional abuse and manipulation that Heleen put her through, going so far as to specify that because endearment became something akin to danger she flinched the first time Nina hugged her, and she also mentions in the scene that sometimes when Jesper puts his arm around her she feels like she’s going to vanish. This particular description of Heleen has very strong parallels to descriptions of Van Eck’s abuse of Wylan, and though I don’t want to go into that in too much detail now bc I’ve talked about it before and how their parallels are what create a lot of the Wylan/Inej parallels I do think that it’s a relevant thing to mention as I bridge into the next quote I want to bring up; when Van Eck takes Inej captive and is claiming that he has treated her like this because this is what he know her to expect from her life experiences, she internally comments that he sounds like Heleen and we get a memory of this quote:

“Why do you make me do these things? You bring these punishments on yourself, girl”.

This obviously had very strong links to the way Van Eck abuses Wylan and teaches him to actively blame himself, which I’ve talked about in the last, but I also want to add that it’s so interesting when we see Heleen call Inej “girl” because she very rarely uses terms that don’t actively dehumanise her/any of the other children at the Menagerie. Of course the use of the epithet is still a big part of the way Inej was denied identity at the Menagerie, remember she audibly sobbed when Kaz said her real name out loud the night she left, but it doesn’t necessarily hold the same immediate, discomforting effect that other epithets Heleen uses, such as “little Lynx” (actively diminishing and dehumanising Inej whilst using an oxymoronic phrase to effectively imply that she is a tamed animal and even though she should be able to fight free she never will. As a side note linked to this, the word “little” is often used derogatorily towards Inej, most obviously by Heleen and Van Eck and most notably when she breaks his nose and he shouts “you little wretch! You little whore!” and she replies “go on Van Eck, tell me all the little things I am”). But I would actually argue that when Heleen uses the word “girl”, she intends it with all the same dehumanisation as she does “Lynx”.

Throughout Inej’s experiences in the duology, the word “girl” is used almost exclusively in two ways: 1) as an insult, 2) possessively. Whenever the children at the Menagerie are referred to as “girls” it is always in a possessive context, for example these quotes are the Ice Court Heist when Inej is wearing the Lynx silks:

“… in front of her girls”

“Your girl will be returned to you”

“Where is my girl?”

“That is not my girl”

And this is an ongoing theme throughout the books. However, the idea is most obviously presented in a quote by Inej herself, and this is where it quite truly breaks my heart:

“not really people, not even really girls.”

Okay I'm really tired and this post is already longer than I was planning so from this point forth everything in the quotation marks is directly taken from another post where I talked more briefly about this:

' As if “girls” and “people” are two separate entities. As if “girls” are not human. This is the language and the attitude that she was surrounded by at the Menagerie and is still surrounded by in the city, and what was forced upon her throughout her experiences in the country. But you know what else might be a genuinely horrifying little detail of this????? Inej may have actually taught herself that the words “people” and “girls” are not synonymous. Because when Inej was brought to Kerch she wasn’t fluent in the language, she spoke some of it and quickly learnt the rest through circumstance, so if this was the way she heard Kerch people use the word “girl” this is how she would internalise the definition of it. I hope this makes sense I’m not sure if I’m relating my thoughts very clearly, it’s kind of like how Matthias was forced to learn Kerch because he was in a Kerch prison so he doesn’t know words that would easily come to him in Fjerdan, like the snow goggles, but instead of simply having gaps Inej has actually learnt a false grammar system that defines “girl” as a dehumanising term because it means someone who is less than or someone who is property. '

I feel like I might have had something to add but if I did then I have forgotten it; if it return to me in the morning then I will return to add it but for now I am going to bid you all goodnight. Thank you for reading these mad ramblings and I hope they made some semblance of sense and/or were interesting <33

⚠️This is a theory and this is my personal literary interpretation; I am not saying that this is an intentional choice made by Leigh Bardugo, though it may be I have no idea, and I am not saying that you have to agree with me. Literary analysis is not about presenting one definitive answer, and if you have either differing interpretations or further points you’d like to add then please do as I would love to read them! <3