katieslittlethoughts - Tumblr blog

[katieslittlethoughts]

to those who stayed, who understand, who love

we must emerge from the darkness ourselves, but it’s the extended hands that remind us we can

I once walked around with my beating heart in my hands. For a time, I thought that if I just poured into everyone I loved, my love would be felt in every moment; it could be the anchor for those I loved so they wouldn’t float out to sea; for a time that was what mattered most.

But ripping your heart out of your chest and placing it in the hands of others—without discernment—leaves a cavity where your heart once beat, in your own chest.

My legs went numb. My cells starved for oxygen. My heart, once pink and beating, now withered, battered, and browned. And my mind… well my mind blamed love for my pain. It was a dire misattribution, but one I’m ultimately glad for.

In its desperation to preserve, my mind reclaimed my heart, nursing it back to health. My legs found its feeling once more, my cells were replenished, and my heart had returned to its soft pink, and strong beat.

But my mind, oh my poor, weary mind, my mind didn’t forget.

You see, it was angry. It was angry I had been so close to death. It was angry that while I had poured into so many others, I had been rotting. Anger exploded all around. And here’s the bitter truth: anger for caring about others at your own expense is much more complicated than directing your anger at everything, everyone, indiscriminately, forgetting the original catalyst.

Each day became a delicate calculation: never caring more than the other, hardening myself against the world, always an attempt not to let myself love until there was nothing left.

Distrust in others was decided to be the only option. And so I learned to be distrusting. Distrusting others with my love, my thoughts, distrusting others in their capacity to understand—distrusting everyone without discernment, just as I had once loved. The distrust permeated each interaction, each moment, each breath.

I no longer believed my love stood a chance against the harsh realities. I no longer believed my love could be the tether that held the people I loved in this world. I no longer believed in daybreak. I no longer believed in anything at all.

I locked away my heart, resigned to never again be so close… so close to being nothing at all. My mind made a promise: never again.

My heart, now buried under layers of defense, each one, only a reminder of the pain, the loss, the neglect. This fragile ember, only faintly glowing, was carefully guarded, shielded away from harshness, but still yearning to love.

But my mind, oh my protective, loving mind, refused its most longing desire. I led with my anger, my negativity, my pain. Decidedly, those were the only things I trusted to keep me safe. If I covered myself with enough thorns, enough darkness, enough scars, I could mask my vulnerability and shield myself away; I convinced myself I no longer felt any pain. I built a wall of stone, to keep everyone away. Everyone was just a threat, a threat to my livelihood, a threat to my soul. My bitter soul dared all those willing to approach; they would bleed before they even got close.

And so, my love was shielded away, forced to hide. My heart withered away once more, despondent, convinced it no longer served a purpose. How foolish was I to forget I could love myself?

Love isn’t pain. Love isn’t a thing to fear. Love wasn’t what almost destroyed me… it was its lack that nearly took me away. Not the lack from others, no, we aren’t batteries powered by the love of others. It was the lack of love for myself that nearly brought me to my end.

As my heart emerged from beneath my mind’s defense, it shed its protective shells. Each layer, a remnant, a reminder, of pain, of loss, gradually fell away. The jagged thorns and heavy bricks were let go, replaced with gentler defenses, defenses that allowed the light to seep through.

Gradually, my heart urged my mind to open itself to love, to beauty, to joy. The first glimmers of light, pierced through distrust, gently revealed a scene I had mistakenly feared. The scene that was revealed was nothing at all like what I had feared: the fields were lush, the flowers in bloom, the sun cast its golden light across each corner, I could see it all so clearly now. A picture of light painted to rival the darkness, the darkness I was convinced would keep me safe. The golden rays began to warm the coldest corners of my soul, welcoming back its vulnerability. The air, filled with the scent of fresh earth and blossoms, all a gentle reminder of the warmth and life that had waited patiently beneath the surface, waiting on my cue to emerge. As the darkness receded, hope offered a bridge from the pain of the past, to the promise and possibilities of tomorrow.

I hope you won’t find it strange, but I’m grateful for the darkness. In the depths of my pain, in the darkness, I had found love for myself—a love I now know to be a strength, not a weakness. The world is not vile, the leaves don’t shake with ill-intentions, but at times, we must await the regrowth. The rain comes and it goes, the same way people do. Mold grows, apples rot, trees die, rain falls. But the clouds don’t envelope all landscapes limitlessly, we just have to be willing to leave, to move on, to find the sunshine, to find where we belong.

To those who stayed, to those who waited, to those who understand, thank you. My heart is now strong, my mind no longer distrustful, and my soul no longer bitter. Much awaits, and there is much to be seen. Thank you for staying by my side and extending your hand when I was ready. I’m alive because you loved.

[katieslittlethoughts]

on life lost too soon…

Everyone’s favorite thing to say in response to grief is that it gets better with time. One day it won’t hurt this bad. One day you’ll be able to say their name, think about them, talk about them without reliving their death, over, and over, and over again.

It’s a lie.

Not everything gets better with time. In fact, you’ll be walking down the street, be reminded of them, and lose them all over again. The tightness in your throat will remind you it’s still there, like the cricket that lives under your house. Grief doesn’t always get better. In fact, oftentimes it never does, life isn’t taken quietly; we aren’t ripped away without a sound.

I was 12, she was 13, and now I’m 21, but she’ll stay 13, suspended in the eternal nothingness that awaits us. Nearly nine years have passed, almost a decade, nearly the length of time she left her indelible mark. That’s nine years she didn’t get. Nine years since her loss ripped apart my skin, revealing a crimson stream, a stream I now frantically seek. The first day of high school, eighth grade culmination, the first kiss, the first time getting too drunk, high school graduation, the first day of college—just moments to some, but to me, it’s an entire life left unfinished.

Every milestone is just another she’ll never have, another reminder of the unfinished story left in obscurity. And with each milestone, the belief, the one everyone says and regurgitates back at you, the one you used to roll your eyes at, the one you used to never understand, gets stronger and stronger until it is woven into every thought: it gets better.

It gets better.

Just three little words: it gets better. Three little words everyone hates to hear in the trough of grief, depression, hopelessness, in the moments you can’t imagine life going on, and yet they persist. Three little words that with each chasm bridged, you find yourself believing in, more and more, until you find yourself saying them. You almost want to laugh. Those three little words you came to dread, those three little words you hated, those three little words you now find yourself clinging to because you finally understand: it’s a promise.

The sadness, the emptiness, turns into nothing more than a whisper, just as promised. You have one good day, then you have another, and eventually, that darkness you had resigned yourself to will be nothing more than a memory. A harmless memory to remind you of how far you’ve come, a memory making you want to dance in the rain, inspiring you to send letters littered with childish joy, overfilled with love to everyone you love.

That darkness you thought you’d never escape, that pervasive darkness without even a whisper of light, overcome as if it was never even there.

I wish I never knew it, so life could go on without this knowledge. I wish I couldn’t even imagine the darkness that devoured her. But if this was my destiny, I wish I never knew what it was like to catch that fragile glimpse, so soft you almost miss it. I wish I never knew what it was like to search for it, for it to get brighter, and brighter, and brighter. I wish I couldn’t say now that I see where the darkness ends, so close I can almost touch it. I wish I couldn’t look back. I wish I didn’t even know I could, and sometimes, I wish I never made it out. Is it awful to wish, wish to go back? To wish I couldn’t even imagine the end because now I’ll be wishing for the rest of my life she saw it too.

This light that committed the worst betrayal. How could it not have revealed itself to her? How dare it not reveal itself? This mocking light that brings hope—how could it hide away? This hope, this hope I never wanted to know, because she never did.

How dare it even be real? And why reveal it to me, and not her? If it was so precious, it should have been hers. With her bright smile, her shameless joy, her unapologetic passions, her endearing quirks, her overwhelming talent—she was too remarkable, too breathtaking, too bound for greatness to be lost so soon. The grey-haired veterans love to tell us our lives haven’t even started, so how could hers have ended?

I end my days the same way: wishing I could share the light, wishing she could have felt it too… wishing.

A wish that never came true, and never will.

So now I cling to my anger. The anger at the world, at the cracks on the pavement, at the chips on the wall, the anger at nothing at all. The anger that life went on, just as everyone had promised.

I’ve made so many memories, so many memories meant for her, that should have been with her. I look around and in the face of my happiness I’m only reminded it’s happiness she’ll never experience. She’s dead and it seems all her unfulfilled dreams got buried with her.

I’m afraid one day I’ll forget the curve of her smile, the sound of her laugh, the way she made me feel—I’m afraid I’ll forget… her. I catch myself every now and again, laughing without holding her ghost. Has it already started?

Each milestone rips at my stitches, and I’m glad for it. My blood pours out, an unbroken current, waiting for my skin to be brought back together. If I forget the pain, will I forget her too? Is this all I have left? A wound, my only proof that she was ever here.

And so I’ll pick apart my stitches. I’ll piece myself together sloppily, hoping to be undone once again. And as I watch the crimson tide flow from my veins, I’ll hope to have just one glimpse—just one fleeting second—of the life she never lived.

[katieslittlethoughts]

turning off the road after waiting for an intersection

well hello, hello, hello. it's been awhile, I won't even pretend it hasn't been. lots has happened and I probably don't even remember most of it. I'll do a very quick recap:

I went to Nice immediately after Paris

Visited my friend in Switzerland before going back to the States

Went to Utah (what?) for my brother's volleyball tournament

Got an apartment in SF

Went to the Eras Tour !!

Started classes

Got a plant

that should be everything, but honestly I might be leaving some stuff out. many thoughts have come and gone so I honestly don't even remember half of my reflections for each memory, but I think I have some more overall thoughts about being abroad, and now, being back.

my entire life I've seen life as a road. I saw one unnecessarily dramatic image of a fork in the road that probably had the some dramatic quote at the top and decided: "that's it, that's life" as if any of us can sum up the experience of living through a simple metaphor.

all the same, I've always been intentional about life's forks...but honestly they look more like intersections to me. I pay attention when there seems to be choices laid out in front of me that will influence the trajectory of my life, if not for years, then a few months. at these intersections.

I don't just consider my options, I sit down in the middle of the road and try to imagine what my life would look like in the scenarios. after deliberation, I choose a path and embrace my choice. now, this has come around to bite me in the ass for a few reasons:

when I clearly made a choice that was not made for me, instead of turning around, I keep going

I end up spending a lot more time deliberating than actually living

so as you can see, this whole deliberating followed by intense commitment has not exactly worked out. being abroad somehow gave me the push I needed to turn off the road and just start aimlessly driving.

so I've been trusting my gut more, exploring different things that interest me, whether it's a haircut, hobby, or fashion choices. I've felt more authentic than I've felt in a long time and I'm definitely glad I've finally let myself start to live without the pressure of abiding by arbitrary rules of the person I think I should be.

[katieslittlethoughts]

istanbul!

last week I had the absolute privilege of going to Istanbul on a study trip ! I've been taking a history class about the middle east and it's been the first class in college where I feel like I'm learning things I have never been taught about. the lack of knowledge we're taught about the middle east is embarrassing.

there was so much history everywhere in Istanbul -- I'm seriously so glad I went with my school so that I could take advantage of having guided tours and having someone else show me things I should do around Istanbul. Since I went during Ramadan it was very interesting to go into different restaurants that didn't serve food until sundown.

while in Istanbul I got a Hamam and wow...seriously one of the best experiences of my life. I'll admit, I might be singing a different tune about my trip if it wasn't for the Hamam. traveling with 30 people is no joke, lots of different personalities, waiting around, and my friends and I got lost in the Grand Bazaar.

the cats around Istanbul was also so special. I love how everyone takes care of these cats and that they go into the stores and sleep. speaking of stores, the stores in Istanbul was also a definite highlight. I got some silk scarves, so many rings, a bracelet, and other knic-knacks.

overall I had a fantastic time in Istanbul and enjoyed that the city sat right between two different continents: Asia and Europe! I have some Turkish Lira left so Istanbul has definitely not seen the last of me...

[katieslittlethoughts]

les vieux et nouveaux visages

this week is my brother's spring break so my whole family (minus my dog) is here visiting me...for two days. let me explain. there's a study trip for my History of the Middle East class to Istanbul I got a pretty hefty scholarship for it so my family is going to Rome tomorrow and I'm leaving for Istanbul Thursday. It was great to see them today and yesterday, but I can't help being more than a little thankful that we won't be spending the whole week together.

the last two days have been various iterations of me asking my family what they want to do, my mom saying she wants me to just show them around, me starting to direct us somewhere, then my mom telling me she wants to go somewhere else, and then me (kinda grumpily) changing course, because typically, the different place is the opposite direction of my initial choice.

add in mildly condescending comments, my mom disagreeing with facts I say, and our overall complicated relationship and yeah, if this went on for longer I think I'd be more than a little miserable. my saving grace has been my dad's comedic timing and my parents' slow realization that while they have over-prepared me for life, my brother is sorely under-prepared.

I think seeing my parents is a great reminder of how far I've come though. It's like going back to your hometown after moving away, you get to test whether or not YOU changed or if your changes were just due to your environment. I got to see my parents, specifically my mom, (rather begrudgingly) impressed with me and my growth. It's a great reminder that while someone's exterior changes or stays the same, the most disillusioning change is the internal ones.

[katieslittlethoughts]

rain and cloudy dreams

It's been raining recently in Paris. Growing up in Southern California, I haven't experienced rain very often, so to say I was shocked when the sun was out while it rained, is a bit of an understatement. Spring is officially here and I'm so tickled by the blossoming flowers and the abundant rain.

I've been taking an architecture art history class and it has changed the way I walk down streets and experience architecture. I see a building with columns and I immediately recall what column it is and try to ascertain its style, which happens a lot being in Paris and all.

Somehow hours faded and turned into days, which turned into weeks, months, and suddenly, I only have one full month left in Paris. So the frenzy of figuring out what else I want to see while I'm here starts, all while trying to prepare to go back.

As I've been picking classes, I've realized that I'm getting to a point where I should finalize my minors. When I came to Paris I realized that I don't want to go to law school right after undergrad, and I might not even want to go to law school anymore. So I've been playing with the possibility of dropping my legal studies minor.

What's more, I have no idea what I want to do for my career. I know I have all of these interests, but I don't know what that is going to lead to career wise. But hey, I'm 19, I have all the time in the world.

[katieslittlethoughts]

29 mars 2023 - qui vivra verra

My most recent obsession is The Ultimatum: France...I don't know how I forgot to mention it yesterday, except yes I do: I was deep in my feels. Just goes to show that sometimes my internal world doesn't always align with my outer world, and that's ok.

My internal world: healing and unveiling suppressed emotions. My external world: watching inconsequential reality tv.

With that said, I was learning so many fun phrases while watching my silly little show. My favorite was qui vivra verra which roughly translates to "who lives will see" and can be understood as the french equivalent of "time will tell." For anyone learning french I cannot recommend the show more, I do think reality tv is very conducive to language learning. Even if you're not learning french and just enjoy reality tv, this show is so messy and will definitely be an enjoyable watch if you enjoy reality tv.

After my very tipsy musings on life last night, I went to sleep and woke up very settled in focusing on myself and my happiness. Today, that meant not going to my literature class. I attended class online but I find it hard enough to pay attention as it is when I'm in person...nevertheless I got the main gist of the class.

Now, I could have stayed home all day, and truly, I almost did. However, I already did that yesterday with the protests and transport strikes so I decided to get ready and go out. I think that the universe could sense that I needed some motivation to leave my house as well and today, that came in the form of my friend asking me to go to a coworking cafe, but more on that later.

Even though it was well past noon before I left my house, I was glad I put on some makeup and a cute outfit. Yes, she didn't see the light of day for very long, but it helped me feel confident and happy as I walked about Paris so the effort was 100% worthwhile.

My first stop of the day was to CityPharma. Now, for those of you unaware about french pharmacies (like I was), I promise that once you are exposed it is all downhill from there. Specifically, once you to go to CityPharma and notice the prices at other pharmacies, you will feel like you're walking into Disneyland every time you set foot into CityPharma. The prices here are gloriously less than any other pharmacy AND it's huge...three stories huge (and I thought CVS was a blessing). The one con is that it seems everyone loves CityPharma so I never really take any pictures when I'm in there because it feels so overwhelming. All that being said, anytime I have an excuse to go to CityPharma I'm smiling like a toddler with a balloon.

A visit to CityPharma was crucial today since I'm all out of body gel. I've been wanting to try Roger&Gallet, so that is just what I did. Another thing about CityPharma, there are consistently sales! Not only are the prices lower, but there's sales on top of them. I was able to get body gel discounted and I even found bar soaps with the same scent for 2 euros each!

I finished up at CityPharma as my friend finished up her class so I decided to walk over to the coworking cafe we were meeting at since it would take around the same time as her metro trip. The coworking cafe is called Nuage Café and it was fantastic!

Truth be told, I've seen a lot about coworking cafes, and I was extremely skeptical:

I don't like being timed

I wasn't sure if I would like the vibes

I haven't been doing enough school work to desire going to a coworking cafe

Well, let's just say I'm glad I got asked by a friend to go because I really don't think I would've due to the above reasons. Even though I didn't have a lot to do, I enjoyed getting two cups of coffee and some nuts to snack on while I started a book about art in Europe during the 19th century. The atmosphere was so fantastic: the decorations were so cute and there was a large array of seating to suit anyone's preferred environment. Though I didn't have a lot of work to do and was just reading, I enjoyed myself and saw myself going back.

My recent revelations have made it clear to me that I need to prioritize my happiness and wellbeing. I do believe that it's important to push ourselves and that we do, indeed, need to leave our comfort zones, but also that this shouldn't mean feeling burnt out. I've been reading a lot about how easy and common it is for people with ADHD specifically to feel burnt out, and for awhile, I normalized feeling burnt out because that meant functioning at a level that was more similar to being neurotypical. But hey, I'm not neurotypical, and there are other ways to manage my ADHD that does not involve exhausting myself.

Life can be so unpredictable and there are so many challenges ahead of us, but that doesn't mean it has to be scary. I've found myself wondering if I was really living if I'm constantly afraid of what comes next. In my case, I think the answer is no. You won't know what happens, and really, only time will tell. So I've decided to focus on being more present and trusting myself to get myself where I need to go. Yes, it is much harder than it sounds and no, is not the most realistic goal for everyone right now. But, it's a goal I came to after lots of reflection and patience.

So that's what I will leave you with. Go outside, journal, take a walk, meditate...sit with yourself and take stock of what makes you happiest and what might make you sad. Just remember, qui vivra verra.

[katieslittlethoughts]

musings from a recovering anxiously attached American abroad

Well, in a manner that is oh so typical to myself, I wrote two posts and have neglected to write any more. I'm learning that this habit of picking up and betraying hobbies, is not one that I should be ashamed of, but rather accept and make use of. I've noticed that often it is the self-contempt of yet another hobby I've left aside that stops me from picking it up again, so rather than letting the crippling self-hatred set in, I've decided to make the conscious decision to be understanding and patience with myself.

Now, for the content that I'm sure people are actually interesting in: what Katie has been up to abroad! Since January I've been up to a lot (mainly in the 3rd and 5th arrondissement). I've not been experiencing life abroad the way I've heard from many others, that is traveling abroad every weekend. In full honesty, I've only traveled to two other places: London and Madrid (which were both during spring break). A quick word on that, I've found that staying in Paris has been extremely conducive to my own self-development. I've been able to experience truly living in a city, rather than it feeling like a glorified vacation (though I do still find myself pinching myself every day).

As I've already hinted, the 3rd and 5th arrondissement have thus far, been my favorite, with that I'm sure you can also add in the 4th and 6th, but those general areas have been shining stars. The 3rd and 4th have such a vivid community. My favorite church, St.-Gervais-St.-Protais, is in the third arrondissement, as well as my favorite thrift stores. I've always been someone who looked at those cool and stylish people in the streets and wondered how they did that, well my friends, I've learned the answer to that is thrift stores. I've yet to buy anything from a fast fashion store during my time in Paris because the thrifting scene is so vibrant and expansive. However, I will say that the thrift scene in Madrid was magnificent.

The fifth arrondissement, or more so, the Latin Quarter, which from a socal native, is such a misleading name! I heard Latin Quarter and immediately thought there'd be a Latin community, but when the French named the Latin Quarter they were actually referring to actual latin. Nevertheless, the Latin Quarter has amazing bookstores, including my favorite: San Francisco Book Company.

Overall, I've found that my french has not progressed nearly as much as I'd hope. Somehow the French hear my terrible french with the American accent and immediately decide to switch. I'll be honest, I understand that it may be easier for english speakers to just speak english, but it can be discouraging. Just the other day, I spoke in all French to a waiter at a restaurant only to get handed an english menu, truly nothing more humbling. However, while these experiences have been discouraging, I don't necessarily view the French, or rather, Parisians in a bad light because I do think that these experiences are character building. These experiences have, in my experiences, not felt super personal and really, it's helped me self-sooth and have a more innate and secure self confidence.

I've been so grateful for my experience in Paris so far and have found myself able to heal in ways that I didn't think was truly possible. Further, I've been rethinking the ways that I consider relationships, specifically friendships. I've unfortunately had some bad habits when it comes to friendships and being in a city where you can do so many things alone had made it possible for me to take a step back from some relationships and prioritize myself.

With that being said, I plan to be more diligent with my updates because I know I'll look back fondly on these memories.

[katieslittlethoughts]

le matin de 16 Janvier 2023 

A mildly interesting morning today since I woke up relatively early, early enough to get out of the house with my roommate, who has a 9 am; so early in fact, that I even had time for breakfast before leaving the house, which did not deter me from a crêpe when I arrived in the 7th.

After my roommate and I parted ways, I knew I wanted to sit in a little café for some coffee or espresso in the morning. I didn’t have a particular place in mind, with the abundance of cafés surrounding campus in the 7th I knew it was more so a matter of where I wanted to go, not what was available to me.

I ended up on Rue Cler, a classic spot for little cafés, produce, flowers, and anything else of the sort. I ended up in this little spot called L’Éclair. They were super friendly and had a really sweet ambiance, which drew me in to the place. I had a crêpe with raspberry jam and an espresso. 

I was a big fan of the espresso but the crêpe tasted a little too much like a pancake for my tastes. Overall it was a great 7.70€ spent. Something I learned today was that you can just choose where you want to sit in a café, still trying to learn those social norms/etiquette things. When I said by I was really confident in my ‘merci’ but mumbled the ‘bonne journée’ since I lost my nerve, but it’s getting there and really I think my nerves better represented me, and not my understanding of the language.

After my second breakfast of the day, I headed to campus to check out the little study spot overlooking the Seine. It was peacefully quiet this morning and the view is just as dreamy as it sounds. 

All in all it was a morning well spent. I got a double breakfast, got caffeine in my system (whether or not it works doesn’t really matter), and I got to practice some french. I think this will encourage me to end my nights a little early so I can enjoy mornings like these, where I feel well-rested and prepared for the day ahead. Wish me luck on my first class of the semester! 

[katieslittlethoughts]

hello !

since I’m studying abroad in Paris this semester I’ve decided to start up this little blog to chronicle my adventures, experiences, and little things I pick up along the way. let me know if there are places you think I should check out !