#truly post med posts recently

[yeasty-boy]

Its late at night and the thought of death is a little more tangible so you know what they means :D

I'm a week out from my last final

I'm going to be going back home which I have a lot of feelings about. I'm going to be seeing my friends that I have back home but I know I will miss the friends I made here too (one person in particular i know I will miss the most)

It's sort of funny cause I know I'll be calling her probably every day but I know I'll miss her regardless. It's made worse by the fact that I know one of these semesters she's going to be studying abroad and will have an over 14 hour time difference. It's scary how easily she became such a fixture in my life. I keep rolling over in my head what I will say to her when I say goodbye. If there will even be one. I haven't even left yet and I miss her already just thinking about it

[rumoredtoexist]

being medicated for adhd is amazing until you start mourning the loss of all you could’ve been doing all that time when you were begging your parents to get you therapy and to get you checked for adhd

atp idek if i have depression i think it was just horrendously bad executive dysfunction?? or at the very least depression that isn’t as bad as i had originally thought. it’s just frustrating and kind of awful to think about sometimes because i had so much h potential and everyone saw it too they just thought i wasn’t applying myself ir was being lazy in purpose

[izvmimi]

momentum - izuku x reader

cw: very slightly canon divergent. post-chapter 431. friends to situationship to lovers. missed connection. angst with eventual happy ending. original character(s). bakugou as perhaps too good (and too bad) of a friend, but remains platonic. reader went to med school. selfship-coded. female!reader. alcohol mention. a/n: part 1 of likely 2. 3.1k words.

For what is worth, despite all the years you’ve spent trying to give Katsuki a taste of his own medicine, he’s grown to be a trusted and dear friend of yours, which tonight just may turn out to be his biggest mistake.

He’s been at this bar with you for close to an hour by now, and while you’d stumbled in here haughtily, acting as though you weren’t the one demanding to see him well after work hours (it’s nearing 9:30pm, close to his bedtime for a Thursday night, and he had to leave his house for this), now you’ve slumped onto the bar counter, your eyes looking directly ahead, a pout on your face.

Your eyes shine wet in the dim light but you haven’t explicitly cried yet, but he knows it’s coming. You’re one of the most dramatic women he’s ever known - save for your friend that he’s rather uncomfortably fond of - and even the reason why you’re out together is a sign of that.

You sip the last of a Long Island Iced Tea through a straw dejectedly, then turn to him.

“Kacchan…”

He braces himself, taking his last swig of beer, knowing that when you use his friend’s childhood moniker, it only precedes a ridiculous statement.

You bring a finger onto the counter and trace a circle onto the hardwood before looking at him and a shiver practically runs down his spine.

“Yes?”

“Am I ugly?”

He groans, and you sit up quickly and pout. “Is that a yes?!”

He rolls his eyes and does not bother to answer, instead focusing on a group across the bar that appears to have recognized him. Secretly, he hopes no one will ask him for an autograph, having recently been told to work on his demeanor while in the general public, but he’s already starting to develop a headache between you and Izuku asking him to come out to talk.

“You’re not ugly,” he says, flatly.

You don’t seem satisfied by this answer. Pressing further, you lean in a bit closer.

“Okay, well what if we-”

Katsuki’s eyes immediately narrow as he picks up on your intention. “No.”

He can practically see your cheeks darken in the dim light as, flustered, you fire back, your hands on your hips as you balance on the barstool.

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

He raises his eyebrows and you lower your voice then slump back onto the counter. “Fine, be that way.”

Katsuki’s limit has finally been reached.

“Okay, listen to me right now.” 

You look up at him and he’s annoyed enough that you actually feel embarrassed, running your hand through your hair. You’re being unreasonable, whiny, pouty even, all because a man you’ve pretended not to like for nearly a decade actually believed you and considered moving on with someone else. Katsuki is gracious enough to have tolerated your whining this far, but perhaps this might have been the last straw, and you’d deserve it.

“One, I’m not going to fuck you to make Izuku jealous, firstly because I’m not interested, secondly because YOU’RE not interested and thirdly because I’m not taking a rain check on a future ass-beating when the two of you do eventually get together.”

Your mouth opens and he raises a finger. 

“Shut up for a second, let me finish.” You bite your lip but nod, and he continues.

“Two, both of you need to talk to each other, not to me.”

Your eyes flutter. “What has he been saying?”

Katsuki’s eyes open widely and you let that thought die, curiosity truly being the killer of many cats, and potentially you. He continues further.

“Three, we’re leaving, you’re drunk and pissing me off.”

With that Katsuki gets up and you drag yourself off of your own chair, his stern gaze on you somehow steadying you better than an actual hand on your shoulder would. Slinging your purse over your shoulder, you remember that you have to make sure not to look upset or too drunk lest the two of you end up in the tabloids, the same way Izuku and Ochaco’s mere handshake in the square ended up in the tabloids and messed up your entire week.

Despite this, Katsuki steps aside for you to walk in front of him, his hands in his pockets as you walk out. 

…when the two of you eventually do get together.

How can he be so sure, you think?

You should ask, but you don’t. Instead, you get into the passenger seat of his car and buckle before Katsuki can tell you to.

You can’t stop thinking about Izuku and Ochaco together. A date last weekend with a so-called investment banker with an ego bigger than his financial portfolio didn’t help, calling your mother and your female best friend and venting your feelings didn’t help, and you’re not sure this particular conversation with Katsuki is helping at all. 

Although he seems to know something you don’t know, and always has, ever since he asked you about your own very blatant crush on his friend.  

You have to tell him first.

Katsuki had maintained this while you oversaw one of his last physiotherapy sessions years ago. All you had asked was an innocuous question about Izuku, and Katsuki had surprised you by telling you it was time to make your intentions clear, that way you could ask those questions yourself. Natural dispersion after graduation had made it easier for you to lose touch from the others, especially since you’d chosen not to go the route of joining hero agencies, so it wasn’t an unreasonable question, and you’d felt quite taken aback.

But he had a point, and you’d taken the point enough that you’d reached out to Midoriya that evening enough to become friends. Friends enough that you knew everyone of his students’ names by heart, even if that offer as UA’s part-time school nurse is still pending, friends enough that his mother calls you for every ache and pain or just to say hello, friends enough that tubs of ice cream in the flavor only he likes are taking up valuable space in the freezer.

Friends, but you know what his lips feel like still when you’d ‘kissed’ and quickly wrote it off as a desperate use of your quirk.

Friends, but here you were lamenting because if he wanted you, he had to be the one to tell you first.

And clearly that hasn’t worked out for the best.

“Why haven’t you told me to get over him yet?” you ask Katsuki finally, breaking the silence in the car. Your voice is soft, perhaps the depressive effects of alcohol setting in.

He keeps his eyes focused on the road.

A few days ago, he and Izuku were at the same bar, and Izuku was asking him for advice.

“I feel nervous, like I’m forgetting something crucial.” Izuku pauses, takes another sip of beer. “I haven’t talked to a girl in years that way and I just-”

Katsuki frowns at the thought. Even then he’d felt guilty - something about offering his friend relationship tips knowing full well how much you love him while keeping your mouth firmly shut feels wrong, but it’s of your own accord.

It shouldn’t come from him, he decides. If his friend shoots his shot at the wrong hoop, it’s not on him. And after all, even if he’s convinced himself that you are perfect for each other, what does he know?

And yet you look at him expectantly and he frowns.

“I don’t know. Maybe you should move on,” Katsuki says. He watches your face visibly pucker and his eyes shift back to the road.

—

“Can you delay any longer?” your friend asks you, leaning in over a steaming mug of hot chocolate. The way her breasts look in her low cut nightie is distracting even to you, so you can’t imagine how Katsuki felt when he shoved your inebriated self into her arms for safekeeping, leaving without much more than a grumble but a clearly protracted look away from her face. You tuck the idea of teasing him away for safekeeping in the corner of your mind and answer your friend’s question at hand.

“I think I’m just going to say no,” you offer, stirring your own hot chocolate. You’ve mostly sobered up by now, but the discomfort is still there now that it’s out in the open. 

Maybe you should move on, you repeat Katsuki’s words in your head.

Considering that you’ve been in love with the same boy for almost half your life, you doubt it’ll come easy. 

“Just because of him?” your friend exclaims. “___!”

“Don’t get your tits all in disarray, it’s not just because of him,” you lie frankly. “I’ve been hesitating for a while and it’s probably too distracting to have too many gigs all at once. After all, your company still uses me for consulting and I have the clinic and I’ve considered getting on the field…” you trail off as she raises an eyebrow, shockingly reminiscent of your surlier friend from earlier today.

She huffs, crossing her arms over her chest. But then a couple moments pass, and she smiles again.

“Okay but did they look good though?”

You give her an annoyed look but her smile is so genuine your frown cracks and you end up giggling.

“Amazing, actually, I know Mr. ‘Routine and Discipline’ is not going to sleep at a reasonable time tonight.”

She blushes and you laugh.

Crawling into bed together later that night, you find yourself staring at the ceiling a little too long.

“Stop thinking about him,” she hisses without even turning. “Or I’ll send you home before you put bad energy into my house. Ran out of sage.”

You sigh loudly, then wrap your arms a little too tightly around her shoulders.

“You’re right! And speaking of bad energy, just so you don’t hear this misconstrued from someone else, I did ask ‘Bold and Brash’ if he would help participate in revenge fucking and-”

You don’t finish your sentence, promptly kicked out of bed, which has you bursting into louder laughter.

“He said no, very quickly, might I add.”

“He should have said yes, what a missed opportunity,” your friend says, but she leans over to help you back in, knowing you would never have meant it in the slightest.

You nuzzle your face into her back cloyingly. “He was very upset, probably thinking about you the whole time.”

You can practically feel her rolling her eyes into the back of her head but she doesn’t push you away and soon, you both doze off.

—

Two weeks have passed since the UA reunion and it’s blatantly obvious to Izuku that you are actively avoiding him. 

In the first week, he’d been foolish enough to think something was truly wrong, that perhaps something awful had happened to you that he’d be the first one to notice, sending increasingly more concerned texts after many hours then days passed before you bothered to return his message, culminating in him showing up at your doorstep with fried chicken and the sparkling soda you prefer over beer in hand.

An update to your Instagram story with your best friend from the inside of your apartment he no longer had access to made it quite clear that you were busy entertaining anything but him.

Katsuki had reassured him nothing was wrong with your phone, saying nothing more to him to assuage the situation. Izuku had found this suspicious, but wasn’t sure exactly what to say to him that sounded any more substantial and non-whiny as the simple words:

Why won’t she talk to me?

In the second week, Izuku would find himself a bit too concerned with every one of your social media updates, his stomach in knots as he watches your bright smile in video after video, old and new, the sight of his own face and voice far too frequent in your archives only worsening the firm twist in his intestines.

He didn’t realize how close the two of you truly were until suddenly you were no longer.

He could delude himself into believing that you were simply just that busy, but no one is, not you who naturally makes time for anyone you love no matter how busy your schedule gets. When his thoughts drift to the foreign arm in some of your most recent pics, he’s quick to slip some sneakers on and go for a run and as more days go by it’s harder and harder to outrun his thoughts. 

Jealousy is an ugly emotion, one he intentionally gave up when it came to you years ago.

When you finally respond to his messages with something clear, direct and painful in its professionalism stating that you appreciate him caring for you all this time but for now you may need some space, something lying deep within his chest feels far uglier than jealousy but far more vulnerable and tender than the smallest of newborn babes.

…

Four weeks pass, and he’s sitting with Ochaco over afternoon coffee, who is gushing over an admittedly gorgeous woman she’s met at a civilian safety conference, and Izuku encourages her to make the trip to Australia to meet her. By the end of their second date, they’d found that there was not much in common aside from collective trauma, and a kiss on the cheek had enticed more, but their lips meeting had felt wrong, and arms wrapped around each other had felt bulky and awkward. Comforting somewhat, but more like a hug between siblings than anything else and clearly lacking passion. 

Izuku, optimistic as always, may have imagined that it might have gotten better over time, but Ochaco had quickly said what they were both thinking.

“That wasn’t exactly what I was expecting.”

The good humor in her voice made it impossible to be embarrassed but it was clear romance would not be in the cards for the two of them. 

Izuku woke up the next morning with the sensation of his lips tingling, remembering the spark of your Quirk coursing through the length of his body, and everything he’s been trying to deny as the reality of his situation, crashes into him at once.

—

Today, you have the genuine blessing of being on a date and this man genuinely, in no uncertain terms, sucks ass. 

“Naturally if you invest in stock in these three venues, there is no possible way your financial profile won’t grow, but I understand that this might be a difficult topic for someone such as yourself,” he starts, and you raise an eyebrow, but he continues to wax poetic about investment schemes that start to sound suspiciously close to insider trading, and you instead let your eyes glaze over, a piece of bread dipped in oil stuffed in your mouth.

Perhaps you just have remarkably bad taste.

When the two of you part ways, and you plan to immediately never see him again, you’re quickly texting your friend the beats of the date, a to-go bag hanging on your forearm as you let the train take you home.

“I think I’m going to give up on dating completely because I feel like at this point this is a sign. You know he expected me to pay the bill and said, verbatim, I “make enough” per my profile so I should consider taking him out to show I’m different from the rest of the other girls he’s considering talking to. Mind you, this is the same guy trying to give me a finance 101 lesson I didn’t ask for an entire hour.”

The elaboration comes on a Facetime call, as you kick off your heels and pull down your updo, a bobby pin dropping and bouncing on your apartment floor and out of reach. She grimaces as you bend over to look. 

“And let me guess, you actually paid.”

You rise up and scoff.

“What was I supposed to do? Argue? I was trying to get out of there.” You sigh. “I’m soooooooooooooo sick of going on these dates,” you insist.

“I mean the easy solution to this is to… I dunno, perhaps tell one freckled dumbass that you actually care about him.”

There’s a quick pause in the conversation before you quickly reply, “I told you this was a forbidden topic,” then add, “Especially since I literally don’t.”

Your friend sighs then mimes flicking at the screen of her phone. “Shut up. A month is enough time to persist on this tsundere act. If you didn’t have any feelings this stonewalling would be completely meaningless by now… In fact, I’m tired of supporting it!”

“Well, it’s not like you’re having to do anything.” You’re rolling your eyes as you reach for makeup wipes.

“Do you know exactly how hard it is to be mean to Midoriya? Not all of us have scorn to carry us through.”

You look away from the mirror to glare at her for a moment, and she grimaces, then double downs.

“Don’t act like I’m not right.”

You go back to washing your face, then look at her again.

“All I’m saying is it takes a conversation. You love him and from the looks of how hard he’s trying to get into your good graces again, calling both me and Katsuki-”

“How’s he, by the way?” you interject.

“We weren’t talking about me,” is her flat response.

“We are now, lovebutt,” you insist after a splash of water onto your face. Your friend gives you a long look, then tells you she’ll speak to you later when you’re sensible and you laugh as she disappears off the screen.

She’s just as flighty as you are, you think.

Contrary to popular belief (literally just your own expectations), a month without Midoriya is harder than you anticipated. The very towel you dry your face with right now was bought for you as a gift from a toiletry specialty shop on one of his missions, extra soft and delicate enough that it’s one of your favorites, and as you pad through your apartment, you subconsciously take notes of all the things in your apartment that are either his or touched by him.

An extra pair of dress shoes in the genkan from when he fell asleep on your couch despite having class the next day, an unnecessary precaution; the slightly imperfect hanging of your medical school graduation photo he’d helped you with; stuffed animals on your couch you’d won on multiple outings together over the past decade; scratch paper in a small box below your coffee table from his impromptu long-winded stories to help you keep track.

Perhaps this is a testament to the fact that you were always far too emotionally reliant on him, even if he doesn’t love you the way you love him, and perhaps you should work on clearing your home. 

But that’s an issue for tomorrow’s you to handle, you tell yourself as you crawl into bed and indulge yourself in a book.

[buskingalbatross]

results of a quest to identify the cicada in dnp’s rodent boy summer instagram post

[video: an audio comparison of dan howell's mediterranean cicada imitation and two real cicada species from the med]

abstract: following a perceived dearth of interest in the cicada latched onto the wall in one photo of the ten in dan and phil’s most recent joint vacation instagram post, the authors of this post (buskingalbatross and an anon who instigated this quest) have endeavored to determine its identity at the species level. using resources such as naturalism networking site iNaturalist, various scientific research articles, a databank of Mediterranean cicada song audio files, and Dan’s imitation of cicada screams in the AmazingPhil video “How Phil Nearly Died,” we have concluded that the cicada is most likely an East Aegean cicada (Cicada mordoganensis). obtaining these results would have been impossible had we not received assistance from @/bitchslapblastoids, who generously provided the herein unnamed geographical location* of dan and phil’s summer rat and relaxation destination. I would also like to thank @/pierogish for providing feedback on comparisons of cicada audio files with Dan’s cicada noises.

[image: the individual in question]

methods, results, and conclusions below the cut.

*the authors of this tumblr post would like to flaunt their scientific achievements unencumbered by potential discourses surrounding the unearthing of this location, and thus have chosen to omit its name from this post. the authors of this tumblr post nevertheless understand that the location can be discerned by those curious enough to discern it. the authors moreover state that they harbor no wish to compromise dan and phil’s privacy.  

methods and results

iNaturalist’s search feature was used to gain an awareness of what species of cicadas have been observed on the mediterrranean peninsula where dnp went on holiday. a spreadsheet was created to organize data such as cicada common names, scientific names, the number of observations for any given species, the reliability of those observations (that is, how likely the observer was to have correctly identified a cicada; a high quality identification is referred to on iNat as a research grade ID), the period of time in which a species is the densest in numbers (most prevalent in its aboveground habitat), appearance, and, finally, a link to an audio file containing each cicada species’ song. audio files were the last piece of data to be acquired, and so were added to the spreadsheet very last.

once a list of species had been determined and entered into the spreadsheet, we compared the appearences of each candidate cicada species to dnp’s instagram image. all in all, we looked at seven cicada species: the black sorrow cicada (Cicadatra atra), the ash cicada (Cicada orni), the common cicada (Lyristes plebejus), the red cicada (Cicada haematodes), the east aegean cicada (Cicada mordoganensis), the geminate cicada (Lyristes gemellus), and Cicada lodosi (a species name now possibly defunct but with 4 observations in the area of interest in the past five years).

[images: left - the east aegean cicada; right - the ash cicada]

then, I decided to read a truly excessive number of scientific research papers about cicadas in the mediterranean. why did I do this? besides reasons of entomology-associated passion (and legitimate professional interest), I did it because I learned that it turns out that basically, the aegean sea constitutes a “hot spot of cicada diversity,” with numerous species across different genera that nevertheless look—pretty much all the same! quite quickly, it became apparent that one blurry instagram image would be insufficient to determine the species. in fact, even if the image had been crystal clear, it wouldn’t have mattered. apparently, many cicadas of the eastern mediterranean are not morphologically distinct (meaning, again: some of them look identical) and what differentiates them is actually, primarily, their songs. they are “acoustically divergent,” with females being able to locate males of their own kind by their unique calls alone, not their looks. different species also tend to be distributed differently across this region, by which I mean some are only found on certain islands, or in certain areas of Italy, the Balkans, Greece, or Turkey, or Greece and Turkey, etc etc. I needed to read to form a better picture of all of this, essentially, and to gather clues.

[image: some of the papers I read]

after perusing all of this fascinating literature—and also squinting really hard at dnp’s picture and the photos of cicadas we had accumulated—I came to the conclusion that, most likely, the cicada was either Cicada orni, the ash cicada, or potentially more likely, Cicada mordoganensis, the east aegean cicada. both had three observations recorded in the region of interest (the most observations of any species), and both had the most similar coloration and patterning to dnp’s cicada. my predilection for the east aegean choice stemmed from two things: 1. the east aegean cicada observations were of a higher quality (research grade) than the ash cicada, and 2. the papers I had read were telling me that while east aegeans were prevalent along the entirety of the our region of interest, ash cicadas were more constrained, geographically, to northern Turkey and the Greek mainland. in fact, according to mediterranean cicada scientists, no ash cicadas had ever been found on islands as southeast as Samos and Ikaria, two islands relatively close to the peninsula where dnp’s cicada resides. this contradicted the observations on iNaturalist.

apparently, this difference in distribution has a lot to do with the tectonic and geographical history of the eastern mediterranean. where certain cicadas are today has a lot to do with where warm refuges from ancient glaciers existed thousands and millions of years ago (cicadas like the heat). also, and I should not necessarily subject you to this tangent, but did you know that about 5 million years ago the mediterranean sea simply gave up on existence for a little while? ... during the Messinian Salinity Crisis, the mediterranean simply stopped being a sea for a little while and almost dried up completely, allowing certain creatures that could not otherwise traverse an entire sea to disperse across it, except for where there is a huge ass canyon in the seafloor, and—

[images: highlighted, pertinent sections of papers discussing cicada distribution; relief map of the mediterranean seafloor]

anyway, what we were sorely missing at this stage were sound recordings of the cicadas. despite the evidence against the ash cicada, this cicada is still one of the most commonly found cicadas around the aegean sea. also, some of the studies I found were ten or more years old—who knows how climate change or other factors may have impacted the location of cicada populations since they were published.

while the audio of the cicadas outside in Phil’s video is poor, Dan does an imitation at 00:30 of what they’d been hearing during their trip. knowing Dan, this imitation is not merely a made-up, vaguely cicada-like noise, but an actually good approximation of the song that had been driving them crazy (this whole study mayhaps hinges on this lmao). if only we could uncover audio of these cicadas, maybe we could know for sure if this insect was of the ash or east aegean variety.

thankfully, at this point I was still reading papers. even more thankfully, the ten individuals who seemed to have cornered the market on mediterranean cicada studies since the 1970s made a website, and mentioned it in one of their papers. it is an exceptional, beautifully designed website called cicadasong.eu that evokes the ad-free, uncluttered, cozy and homemade feeling of the early noughties internet. it almost made me cry, and @/pierogish reported that seeing this website made her realize that in all these years recently spent online she had been choking, and only on cicadasong.eu was she finally able to breathe freely. on this website, there happen to be embedded YouTube videos of high quality audio recordings of all the european cicadas its creators have ever studied.

at last! comparisons of cicada songs to Dan commenced, and we were able to play the ash cicada’s sound alongside the east aegean’s and Dan’s. at the top of this post, you will find the compilation of these three sounds. here are the links to the original audio videos of the east aegean and ash cicada.

the main unit of sound—the chirp—of a cicada’s song is known scientifically as an “echeme”. in these audio files, you can perceive that, for the east aegean cicada, the duration of the echeme is longer, meaning the number of echemes per second is lower. this rhythm, and in general the structure of the east aegean cicada’s song was, in comparison to the ash cicada’s, deemed to the ear of all the authors and contributors definitively more similar to dan’s cicada song. thus, this final piece of evidence seemed to complement the rest of our data and confirm our initial assumption of the cicada’s identity.

conclusion

accumulated data has lent support to our hypothesis that the cicadas suffusing the atmosphere of dip and pip’s holiday resort with their ebullient, lascivious songs were east aegean cicadas.

[luci4theminorannoyance]

Please can you do platonic 141 x reader x romantic(??) Ghost where the reader is addicted to painkillers? Like going through a pack per day and practically inhaling them before and after a mission. Its something went under the radar but somehow came to their attention Thank you!! xx

(Its ok if your not comfortable writing this)

a/n: sorry this took forever to post! I’ve been on a break recently to have a social interaction month I guess and things have slipped- also I’m quite alright with writing this! Tell me if I messed anything up of course as always because it’s my first time writing for lots of things

ghost:

-feels utterly horrid for not realizing the details, for gods sake he was dating you! He should have picked up on it, he should have done something, he should have! It makes him sick to his stomach that he wasn’t the first one to notice either

-it was gaz who told him, gaz… it made him feel so guilty that he hadn’t noticed before others did. Apparently gaz had noticed the little signs before him and had caught you after you had downed a pack of the medbays stored pain meds that were supposed to be lock

-was half scared to talk to you about it, but knew he couldn’t make it worse. So when you both luckily got some time off, he sat you down and held you close and just… talked. No special goal; just talking. And then he got you to sign up for some mental and physical help to work on getting off meds that he was so worried about you because of

gaz:

-froze in place when he saw you in the med bay. Sure he had expected something for quite a while, ever since you joined the team in fact he could clock something was off with you but he chalked it up to him being overly worried

-that was quite a bit ago, and you two have been good friends for so long now that he had grown blind to little warning signs

-he was frozen for a long time just looking, taking in the idea of someone he cared so much doing something he didn’t expect. Not that it was your fault, but it was truly unexpected

-he didn’t know what else to do so he dashed knowing you hadn’t saw him and told ghost, but didn’t think to tell price or soap

soap:

-wasn’t told till you were on break to get off painkillers, and utterly livid nobody had told him!! He wanted so so badly to comfort you but knew you probably didn’t need extra events during recovery, so he waited on his nerves end until you came back to base and utterly showered you in gifts as soon as you got back, chocolate, snacks, gifts galor

-he wanted to make up for not knowing, for not being able to help or reach you before hand, and gifts seemed to be the best way. He’s just always so glad your here and that you are getting better, albeit slowly

price:

-ghost had told him the day after your talk, and he was just utterly shocked, even more so then gaz to be honest… and he felt so guilty, why? Because he had brushed off the medbay nurses reports of missing pain meds for months thinking it was nothing big

-he’s your captain! He’s supposed to watch out for you, he’s supposed to be there for his team, that’s his damn job

-laswell had to slap him out of guilt to get him back in shape, and he promptly gave you and ghost the next month off, but made sure ghost would update him

[stargirl-writes]

denial

pairing : force healer jedi! reader x anakin skywalker

word count : 1.5k

masterlist

summary

anakin skywalker confessed his love for you. except, you turned him down, reminding yourself of your duty to the jedi. weeks would have passed and you're reaching a breaking point where you can no longer deny how you felt about him.

tags : angst, mutual pining, fluff towards the end,

warnings : pretty much just denial of how reader feels, and angst with a happy ending (!)

notes : hi lovely people! this is the first thing i'll post under this blog! thank u for taking interest in my little imagine, i hope you like it!

likes, reblogs, and comments are highly appreciated !

It has been a few weeks since Anakin Skywalker told you he loved you. For a moment, the cruelest thing to do seemed like the sweetest thing he could say.

For you both know that the Jedi Council will forbid you to delight in this feeling.

No attachments, live to serve the good, clear lines. No devotions.

You didn't understand how loving someone can be so corrupting, after all, the Jedi Code taught you compassion for all things. That in itself is an act of love. Living so detached from things just makes it all feel... meaningless.

Why hurt for love? Why hurt for not loving?

But now, ever since Anakin told you he wanted you, you are held by a ravenous grip that left you feeling breathless. Suffocated.

Because the truth was simple: You wanted to hoard Anakin in your heart and keep him there. You wanted Anakin.

Of course, you didn't mean it. Anakin Skywalker is the only one who truly knew you. He shredded down your walls to find you where you're most vulnerable and loved you anyway. He wasn't scared of the things about you he didn't understand. Things you, too, find difficult to accept.

But caught by the abruptness, you could only tell him "We can't" before storming out of the room that one night.

You were perplexed, because for the longest time you have resigned yourself to the idea that you were the only one feeling it.

And now he says he loves you. All along.

He loved you.

He loved you despite, despite, despite...

And you turned him down.

Because you can't....

You were bound by duty first. And your duty is to serve the Republic. You can't have Anakin, not if he is supposed to be the chosen one.

You still cried in your sleep; angry and tremendously sorry you turned the closest thing to love away.

You can't take the Republic's only chance of surviving this war. He was meant for something larger than you are. Larger than both of you. You understood this, but it didn't really make it hurt any less.

It fell into this odd... silence between both of you.

You'd catch yourself looking for him in every room you find yourself in. A force of habit. His force signature used to be a warm beacon of light to anchor you, now every time you sense Anakin, your heart aches.

Haunted by the images in your mind of what could be if you allowed him to love you. Terrified that you've allowed yourself to want to share a lifetime with him.

You can't. You wouldn't.

You shuffle in your bed, unable to find a spot so you can comfortably rest. You were becoming more frustrated, for your mind just won't turn itself off.

You grabbed your robe and pulled your hair away from your face, tying it back.

With a sigh, you sit up. It would be futile to attempt any sleep, dawn was already breaking from the windows of the Jedi Temple.

Force healing is something that not every Jedi practices, for it requires a deeper state of discipline and precision. Besides, there are medical droids that can take care of the wounded.

The council had briefed you on your mission for today, you're stationed at the med-bay to overlook the casualties after the recent attack on Kamino.

You valued healing; no matter how forgotten it may have been for the Jedi Order. So, this mission is equally important to you as fighting in the front lines.

The halls of the temple were still quiet, deep in sleep. You wander around, not really knowing where to head.

You hear a shuffle from behind, and instinctively, you turn.

You halt at a balcony— entranced by the rising sun. You breathed deep, wondering when all became so complicated.

A pair of blue eyes meet your doe-eyed gaze. You surveyed him, he looked like he just came from battle, his robes were covered in dust, and his eyes were glossy as if he had been awake for some time, too.

"Anakin" you breathed out, realizing it had been the first time you addressed him after the night he confessed.

"[Name]" He answers, sounding tired.

Your heart thumps, unsure, and half-terrified that if he calls your name again, you might fall to pieces.

"How did the mission on Kamino go?" You say, trying to find any topic other than—

Anakin steps forward, leaning against the balcony. You hold your breath. Being so close to him felt like all air vanishes.

"It went alright" Anakin answers, his gaze falling into the horizon.

Your eyes trail on his arm, noticing the dried blood, a gash maybe, you step forward, wanting to get a closer look, your healing instincts telling you something was off.

"You're hurt" You say, your hand carefully moving his robe.

Anakin sharply turns at your touch. Then his eyes bore into yours. You lifted your fingers, realizing you may have startled him.

Anakin always had you. Part of the reason you were persistent in learning healing. Because the anxiety of him hurting never settled, and you wanted to be equipped to take care of him.

"Let me do this, it won't take long" You insisted, because you knew Anakin too well, and he'd not get it checked until someone else forces him to sit down at the med-bay.

The wound started closing and after a moment, it was like it wasn't there in the first place.

Anakin nods, his eyes never leave yours.

You felt it, a ripple through the force. A very specific frequency. A jedi might mistake his hurt as that of a physical one. But you have memorized him too much to read through his pretenses.

The wounds hurt, yes. But he is carrying a lot more pain than he lets on.

So, you continued. Your fingers graze over his skin, channelling the force, willing it to heal the gash.

You withdrew your touch. The silence lingered. It's a silence that makes you feel mad, because it feels like this is how it'll always be for you and Anakin now. Delicately dancing around the elephant in the room.

The silence amplified the voice screaming in your heart.

You may as well just say it out loud because your force signature is latched with it. It involuntarily pours your heart out.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

"Anakin" you began, your lips opening and closing unable to find words to express how you felt.

He turns his head, standing straight, he had an expression you recognized. Some sort of braceness, like he was already anticipating for you to break his heart again.

"I'm sorry" was all you could say.

Even if you would've ran away with him if he asked you to.

Clear lines. No attachments. You'd cross them all if he asked you to.

This was the right thing to do, you think...

"Don't" Anakin shakes his head "Don't... I know you don't mean it" His eyes fall to his feet.

"No, I do" You answer swiftly— no longer able to deny how much it had hurted you too.

You felt tears threatening to cascade down your face. You've heard it said that love turns people soft, but you have never felt more broken now that you have loved something you can't have.

"Anakin, when I said we can't, it's because I can't take you for myself. You're meant for larger things. Only with the Jedi can you fulfill your destiny" You rambled, verbalizing the thoughts you convinced yourself to believe in at night.

Anakin's eyebrows furrowed, but you continued "It doesn't mean I didn't, that I don't—" You halted, your heart and mind tearing you apart.

"[Name]" he calls, "You are no small thing in my life" He tucks a loose strand of hair to your ear.

"I meant it when I told you I love you." His palm presses on your cheeks.

You thought you could crumble beneath his touch.

These weeks, the small amount of time you spent trying to convince yourself that his feelings will eventually pass, never faltered the way how you felt. His absence felt like half of you was missing. And now, he was here, insisting softly.

You can't hold it in anymore.

So, in the absence of words, you pressed your lips against his— slowly, gently, slipping into the intimacy you only ever shared with him.

I love you.

You say between the kisses, hoping it'd suffice for you can't quite bring yourself to say it just yet.

Nothing in the world belonged to you, just this love you were overpouring with. And this kiss— it felt like the beginning of something eternal.

Whatever that may be.

© to @cafekitsune the dividers!

[danieyells]

hi there,

thank you so much for all the voicelines you post !! if it’s okay, can i request subaru’s ?

thank you again !

You're welcome! At some point I might go back and put in the ones I leave out because they don't appeal to me as much lol but since i always end up posting 99% of them anyway I think it's enough for most people hahaha. It's all of them now! Sorry for the delay.

I WAS GONNA OMIT ONE OR TWO BECAUSE OF SPOILERS but eh i'll just warm for like. extra spoilers. since after doing more code peeking it wasn't the spoiler i thought it was. SUBARU IS A SWEETIE THOUGH. I also read Subaru's chats which were put in the code recently and. Man this guy needs anxiety meds. I have a small guess as to what his stigma is, but we'll learn in a few days anyway.

Hello: (the first time the game is opened after that character is set as home screen NPC. Only happens once per day, unless the character is switched out and back.)

"I'm very sorry to have kept you waiting. It's wonderful to see you again."

You've Got Mail: (whenever there's something in the inbox, usually Arena rewards)

"It looks like there's a notice for you. I'd be happy to go pick it up for you if you've got your hands full. Oh, forgive me if I'm overstepping."

oh no he's anxious about helping--

Default: (requires no affinity, has no time constraints)

"I really am so lucky to be surrounded by so many kind people like you."

"I never thought I'd get the chance to enjoy the lifestyle of a student until I came to Darkwick. Every day truly is fulfilling here."

it feels like subaru is like. . .the only one who actually enjoys school life here. . .or who really enjoys being here period lmao. . . .

"You think I'm always smiling? Ha ha, I hear that a lot. It just happens when I'm around all of you."

"I may be the captain, but it's just in name. I think Haku is much better suited for the job than me."

"I've been working since I was four, so people often said I was mature for my age. But the truth is, I've still got a lot to learn."

that makes two characters whose parents have essentially been keeping them from normal life and normal childhood for work reasons since they were four year olds. . . .

Affinity 1: (between 5am and 11am)

"I tend to just have hot water for breakfast. I know it would be better for me to eat a proper meal, but it's just so much effort."

DO WE REALLY HAVE TO START WITH "I NEED THE GHOULS TO EAT PROPER FUCKIN MEALS". . . .

Affinity 2: (between 11am and 4pm)

"I'm sorry I'm so late. The campus is so crowded I can never manage to walk in a straight line, so it always takes me longer than I think. Silly, isn't it?"

baby you're hardly the first person i've met with anxiety about crowds. you're fine.

Affinity 3: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"What would I do without Haku's help? Hotarubi would be a mess without him."

Affinity 4: (between 8pm and 5am)

"I wonder if I should apply early to take out any common artifacts I might need for this mission. I'll ask Haku what he thinks..."

Affinity 5: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Ah!  You surprised me there... I just got back from a small errand. Do you need something?"

Affinity 6: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Ever since I was a child, the performing arts were my only focus. Maybe that's why people always say my mannerisms are so peculiar. It bothers you too, doesn't it?"

poor boy doesn't know how to act if he isn't acting. . .he doesn't know how to exist off-script. . .no wonder he made a deal with a demon. it's probably the first thing he's ever done for himself.

Affinity 7: (between 11am and 4pm)

"I'd like to go to the cafeteria, but the line is always so long. I feel bad taking time to choose while people are waiting behind me. The bar of entry feels a little high."

i am once again suggesting subaru get anxiety meds. hell go to sinnostra and get some weed, i bet they sell that. i hear it can help.

Affinity 8: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"I'm just about to go and meet a friend. I hate to inconvenience you like this, but if it's something urgent, could you speak to Haku about it instead?"

Affinity 9: (between 8pm and 5am)

"What am I going to do? We're supposed to be meeting up in an hour... If I cancel now, they'll hate me..."

Affinity 10: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Whew... I'll walk you back to your house, {PC}. Oh, it's no problem at all, I assure you! I wanted some fresh air anyway."

Affinity 11: (between 5am and 11am)

"I have an Anomalous Ecology test coming up. It's such a fascinating subject, I couldn't help but stay up all night studying. Now I'm a little sleep-deprived."

Affinity 12: (between 11am and 4pm)

"I'm going to stretch my legs a little. I might not have a show to practice for right now, but I need to keep putting myself through my paces. I'll get rusty otherwise."

Affinity 13: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"I'm sorry my phone's been making so much noise. I recently downloaded an app by mistake, and it won't stop sending me notifications..."

awww he's also technologically incompetent. . .poor guy was probably raised with such a heavy focus on his career he just. never needed a smartphone. anyone he needed to contact or who needed to contact him was probably always very close by. it sounds like he didn't even properly go to school before going to Darkwick. Somebody please take this boy on a walk. like anywhere. take him to a library. buy him a churro. can sho make churros? this is somebody who's never had any sort of normal social experience and sees how different he is and wishes it weren't the case, unlike Ritsu who assumes everyone else is like him, i think he'd like to have some more Experiences.

Affinity 14: (between 5am and 11am)

"... ...Oh! Hello, {PC}—I didn't even notice you there. My mind was somewhere else."

Affinity 15: (between 5am and 11am)

"Good morning! Sorry? My hair's messy? You're right, it's sticking right up at the front... That's embarrassing. I'll fix it right away."

Affinity 16: (between 11am and 4pm)

"I usually have lunch in the dormitory. I do eat on the terrace with Lyca every now and then, but he seems so busy these days..."

Lyca is one of the members of Obscuary, btw! Seems like he and Subaru are friends.

Affinity 17: (between 10pm and midnight)

"I didn't take you for a night owl, {PC}. Since you're here, I suppose I'll stay up a little longer. You're sure you're okay? You're not sleepy?"

Affinity 18: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Do you visit Sinostra very often, {PC}? I see... Oh, no reason. I was just making conversation. Ha ha."

why do you ask that. . .a certain mafioso captain wouldn't happen to be suspicious of you would he. . .or maybe you owe them money. . .or maybe you used to be part of Sinostra and moved to Hotarubi. . . .

Affinity 19: (between 10pm and midnight)

"It's getting late, {PC}. How about we finish this tomorrow? Thank you for keeping me company all this time."

Affinity 20: (between 5am and 11am)

"Oh, I couldn't ask you to come all the way to my room to wake me up—I'd feel terrible. I do very much appreciate the thought, though."

it's okay buddy jin already makes them do it, one more pit stop won't hurt.

Affinity 21: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Oh, hello, {PC}. Sorry, I was actually just on my way out. I should be back by evening—do you mind if we speak then?"

Affinity 22: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Lyca has seen my message, so why hasn't he responded to it? I hope nothing bad has happened to him..."

Affinity 23: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Lyca will adapt well to human society, I'm sure of it. I'm so relieved that Darkwick chose to trust him. I can't thank you enough for your help."

he really likes Lyca huh? that is his dog.

Affinity 24: (between 10pm and midnight)

"You can't sleep? Then let me tell you some stories. Legend has it that evil spirits appear once you've told a hundred. Now, what number was I up to..."

BOY IS TRYNA GET YOUR ASS HAUNTED.

Affinity 25(max): (no time constraints)

"I don't want to seem like I'm testing you, I just... I get really anxious sometimes... I'm sorry. I'm being weird, aren't I?"

he's the type to ask 'are you sure you love me? are you sure you wanna be with me?' after you get married and move in together and own a house and have two kids with another on the way. he's the hyper anxious 'i'm sorry we disagreed about our favorite colors do you hate me?' friend(affectionate) I wonder though, is he apologizing for seeming like he's testing you because he's using his stigma to see what you've been up to or something. . .? Probably not lol it's more likely he just keeps asking if you like him

Spring: (March-May) (between 5am and 11am)

"There is no time like spring. Everyone seems more relaxed this time of year. It's reassuring to see."

(between 11am and 4pm)

"I have some sakura mochi. I was just about to prepare some tea to go with it—would you like to join me?"

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"They have no control over whether they bloom, and yet they get made a spectacle of nonetheless... Oh, sorry—I was talking about the cherry blossoms."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"There are many different flowers growing in Hotarubi, but I think the wisteria are my favorites. This is the best time to see them, so you should take a walk around."

Summer: (June-August) (between 5am and 11am)

"Hot today, isn't it? It's always raining in Hotarubi, so it does provide a little escape from the blazing summer sun, but... Ha ha. It is very humid, isn't it?"

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Summer makes me think of the ghost story Yotsuya Kaidan. The scene where Oiwa becomes hysterical, having realized her her face has been disfigured— incredible."

Yotsuya Kaidan is one of the best known japanese ghost stories! It's extremely violent, so read the summary at your discretion. The scene in question has Oiwa shown her reflection by her sister's boss to see that the cream she was given by a woman who was in love with her husband was actually some sort of poison that instantly scarred her face. She grabs a sword and goes to kill her, only for her to accidentally slit her own throat.

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Hotarubi House holds regular festivals during the summer months. If you need a yukata to wear, I'd be happy to pick one out for you."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"I don't mind scary stories, but when that biwa in the tea room started playing by itself, it did make me jump a little..."

slight spoiler, although you can probably figure it out from this but. . .Zenji is a ghost. Subaru currently can't actually see him or hear his voice. . .only Haku, the pc, and, perhaps not so oddly, Towa can afair. All of his youtube content doesn't have him or his voice in it because he can't be recorded by cameras. So Subaru doesn't realize that the biwa playing on its own is actually Zenji playing the biwa.

Autumn: (September-November) (between 5am and 11am)

"The air has gotten crisper, and the leaves are changing color. I know it's only natural for the seasons to shift, so why does it make my heart ache so much?"

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Oh, these? They're some chestnuts I found. I know—I should give them to Sho. I'm sure he'll be able to make something delicious with them."

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"That's another kuchikiri tea ceremony under my belt. It's an annual tradition where one cuts open a tea jar to reveal the tea that was preserved from the first harvest."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"On long autumn nights when the moon is shining beautifully in the sky, it's hard to resist taking a walk outside. Don't stay out until too late though, {PC}."

Winter: (December-February) (between 5am and 11am)

"...Oh, {PC}. Good morning... I had a hard time getting up today. It must be the cold... Ha ha. Not very captain-like, is it?"

Jin, Taiga, and Ed are all prone to not getting out of bed. and Yuri falls asleep on operating tables when he has down time. Trust me Subaru you are perfectly captain-like.

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Today, I'm going to order ingredients from one of my favorite stores so we can all make negima—tuna and scallion—hot pot together. Please, do join us."

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"It's cold out today. I was just thinking about lighting the fire. Would you like to come and warm up with me?"

oh subaru you don't even know how that sounds

(between 8pm and 5am)

"People say winter makes you want to snuggle up with someone, but I find that a good blanket does a much better job."

i agree that blankets are much easier to manage than people lol. probably warmer too.

His birthday: (February 20th)

"A present? For me? Thank you... I didn't expect you to do anything for my birthday, so I'm a little caught off guard. I really appreciate it."

Your birthday:

"Um... Happy birthday.  I really hope this year will be a wonderful one for you."

New Years: (January 1st)

"Happy New Year. I hope I can depend on your guidance and support again this year."

Valentine's Day: (February 14th)

"Chocolate? Oh, It's Valentine's Day, isn't it? Does that mean these are for me...?"

nah i just wanted you to look at them. YES THEY ARE FOR YOU BBY. why would you be showing him chocolate if it wasn't for him! On any day, not just valentine's day!!

White Day: (March 14th)

"These are for you, {PC}. I put in a special order for monaka from my favorite confectioner in Ginza. They're wafers filled with bean jam—I hope you like them."

April Fool's Day: (April 1st)

"Earlier, Haku told me he was switching houses. It gave me a real shock— I'm very relieved that it wasn't true..."

i bet subaru made the most scared kicked puppy face and started apologizing for being such an awful captain and blamed himself for that haku would go to a different house and haku had to quickly explain it was just a prank for fear that subaru might burst into tears.

Halloween: (October 31st)

"Happy Halloween. I know it's nothing special, but I've prepared some treats for the occasion. Oh... But you're more than welcome to play a trick instead."

please don't trick him. april fool's day was hard enough for him.

Christmas: (December 25th)

"Merry Christmas. We already have our New Year decorations up in Hotarubi, so it has a real east-meets-west atmosphere now. I hope everyone is okay with it..."

Idle: (about 20 seconds without interacting with the game) (below 13 affinity)

"Everyone seems busy at the moment. Maybe I should use this opportunity to tidy the garden..."

(13 affinity and above)

"{PC}? Oh... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you. I was just worried because you were so quiet..."

Absent: (logging in for the first time in 2 or more days?)

"You're back... I'm so relieved. I was worried I'd done something to make you feel uncomfortable..."

this man shakes like a chihuahua 24/7. like you can taste the anxiety coming off of him. i love him. he's so pathetic(affectionate). i wanna squeeze his hand reassuringly and tell him everything's gonna be okay. i wanna hug him and pat his head. i wanna take him places so he learns more about the world outside of working. i wanna watch him do schoolwork excitedly because he's never really gone to school before and it's a new and exciting experience. i want him to experience the most mundane aspects of life with wonder.

good boy. yeah. get him anxiety meds /nodnod

[dollsque]

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ ❝ ONLY YOU, DARLING, ONLY YOU ❞ 💚

Word Count: 1.2k

Short Summary: All the ways you two say “I love you.”

Notes: Fluff, Hobie Brown x Reader, Y/N used sparingly, no mention of gender, one-shot, sfw

Masterlist Here <3

🏹 ˚₊ · »-♡→ HE DIDN’T SAY THAT HE LOVED YOU, but he did leave out special post-it notes on the windows around the house while patrolling that told you to stay safe, eat well, drink well, get some afternoon beauty sleep, and some silly little quick doodles.

However, even with the loving intent behind it, he does sometimes do this just to ease your mind that he’s okay when he drops off the notes. You’ll be watching TV, window free of a post-it note, then a while later you’ll see a Post-it on it with quick, messy, and unmistakable handwriting (or a quick doodle) with an added timestamp and small handwriting at the bottom that told you he’s alright. He wanted to make sure you didn't have the same stressful, worrisome days he had.

🏹 ˚₊ · »-♡→ YOU DIDN’T SAY THAT YOU LOVED HIM, but you did take care of his wounds after he came home from patrolling no matter how tired you are. No matter how many times he assures you that his super healing will do most of the work, he knows his effort is futile when you’re already opening the med kit and getting ready to get to work with a tired but determined expression as you listen to his daily stories.

You then checked for anything else you missed, any small scratches that would have healed on their own, and some that may have needed a bandaid. After you’re done, you give him lots of kisses and hugs for his hard work, which he gratefully accepts.

🏹 ˚₊ · »-♡→ HE DIDN’T SAY THAT HE LOVED YOU, but he did make some room on his beloved guitar for your signature and adorable chibi drawings that you somehow turned into stickers. Any small little gifts you made like some bracelets, he wore like a champ. He owns that shit.

All the handmade little cards you’ve made for a holiday like Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, or Christmas, all the birthday cards, and all the cards you made are in a very special box with a bow on it. He secretly reads them all every night when you’re asleep, and some of them date back to when you guys first truly became best friends.

🏹 ˚₊ · »-♡→ YOU DIDN’T SAY THAT YOU LOVED HIM, but you did spend some time repairing his suit when sometimes he was simply too tired to do it. You knew that being Spider-Man was hard. You didn’t want him to do it all alone. You knew you couldn’t help much, but you knew that even the simplest of things like repairing the tears and scratches in his suit, washing it, and making sure that it would be good as new the next time he needed it, was good enough for you.

His huge smile, happiness, appreciation, and the way he flickered between the colors purple, pink, and yellow, were always worth it. All the hugs and kisses you received, and how he told you he’d make it up to you somehow, told you that you had done your part and that you did it amazingly, and that was enough for you.

🏹 ˚₊ · »-♡→ HE DIDN’T SAY THAT HE LOVED YOU, but he did try and get into your interests and hobbies, like reading books for example, so he could bond with you over more things. Once you finished a book, he’d pick that same book up and read it so that he could talk to you about it. He would even get upset when he was in the middle of reading, his spider senses would go off, meaning he had to continue later.

He would always enjoy the way your eyes lit up when he started talking about the book you had recently read. You two would share your opinions, some even clashing sometimes, but it still was enjoyable and an amazing bonding moment. Sometimes, he’d even go to the library and pick out two books that he’d think you’d enjoy. He’d pick out a book for himself to hide the fact that he went solely for you.

🏹 ˚₊ · »-♡→ YOU DIDN’T SAY THAT YOU LOVED HIM, but you did decide to bake him some treats and pastries like cookies or little cupcakes to share with him just because. You think you both deserve it after long days, and you would like to cheer him up. You loved seeing the animated eyes of his Spider-Man mask squint in happiness and delight as he turned yellow at the smell. Yellow for happiness, you knew.

Paper pastries would float about around him for just a split second as he ate them with you before they disappeared, but you swore that one day you’d touch one of the floaty-thingies (as you called them) one of these days to seriously see if they were actually paper or if they were even grabbable in the first place. But for now, seeing him happily eat the pastries while complimenting the hell out of your baking skills was enough to make the both of you happy.

🏹 ˚₊ · »-♡→ HE DIDN’T SAY THAT HE LOVED YOU, but he did pay attention to the things you said you liked in your many conversations with him. He particularly paid attention to the part where you said you adored the lily of the valley flowers. He immediately went into action the next day, researching the hell out of those flowers. Once he finds out that they’re poisonous, he moves on to plan B: paper lily of the valley flowers.

Two days after that conversation he surprised you with his handmade lily of the valley flowers, which looked close enough to the real ones. He explained that he didn’t want you getting poisoned to death over pretty ass flowers, so he made them for you instead.

You didn’t have the heart to tell him that as long as you didn’t eat them and wore gloves, you’d be fine, but honestly? Those were way more fucking precious than receiving the real thing from him, just because of the extra love and care that went into them. You showered him with hugs, and kisses, while he received them with a goofy, lovesick grin (and yes, he did turn pink with the little floaty-thingy hearts, but you were too busy showering him with physical affection to remember your little mission).

🏹 ˚₊ · »-♡→ YOU DIDN’T SAY THAT YOU LOVED HIM, but you did try to shower him with affection whenever you could. You wanted to be the one to make the move to hold his hand. You wanted to be the one to give him a big hug. You wanted to be the one to initiate the cuddles on the couch as you two watched a movie. You wanted to hold his pinky with yours every chance you got. You wanted to initiate the sweet little kisses that you often stole from him.

You wanted to make him feel like he was the most loved boyfriend on the fucking planet. He already did that for you, making you feel like the most valued partner on the planet, so now it was your turn, and you planned on making him feel that every time you showed him physical affection.

🏹 ˚₊ · »-♡→ BUT WAIT A MINUTE—YOU HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT YOU LOVE EACH OTHER THIS WHOLE TIME! It’s just that actions speak louder than words, and you both were able to feel it during all those moments, even while apart. Your love could never be broken, for it’s equally as strong whether you two decide to say it, or whether you two decide to show more than tell.

© 2024 dollsque - all rights reserved; do not copy my works, repost my content, edit my works, or translate my works on tumblr or anywhere else. it is strictly forbidden. oh, and no AI shit with my works, please.

[brokenpieces-72]

Task force 141! Gangster x Reader

Truth or Pain

This is part 3. Part 2

Leave a comment if you want to be tagged in future posts.

You’re hanging out with Soap again and he watches you work on a your newest piece. You enjoy moments like these. You feel like yourself, and like you aren’t forcing your part. Soap was impressed with your skill. You were very good with your hands, and your work was great demonstration.

“You want to try?” You offer Soap a brush.

“You think I can make somethin as good as you?” He asks taking up your offer.

“Try it.” You say. A small voice in the back of your head suggests getting him on vandalism but you ignore it. He takes the brush and adds a bit of colour to wall… in the form of a very crude doodle of himself.

You finally take a break with him, warming your hands on the hot cup of cocoa.

“So what exactly do you guys do? Like I’ve seen you guys work but… I don’t get it.” You say, breaking the silence.

Soap thinks for a moment before answering. “We do what needs to be done.”

When he looks at you to see your reaction he finds you silently asking for more details.

“The Los Voqueros sell medicines. Simple stuff that’s not easy to afford. Painkillers, allergy meds. Ya know Farah, woman that ‘elped ‘ide us when those cops tried to grab us? She’s a bit of a vigilante, keepin some big corporation from ruin’in her neighbourhood.

“The problems with the world canna be solved by cops and white collars. They don’a’ven want to. We do. We set the world right, and we ‘ven ave a little fun on the side.”

He gives you a soft elbow to the arm. You smile. But underneath there’s a few things going on you’re not telling him. He’s given you two statements. One that can be used on Farah Karim, for aiding two criminals. The other could start a hunt for the Los Voqueros and their shipments of drugs. It wasn’t what you had been sent to find but it was a start. You might actually be taken seriously at the precinct, people might actually start having faith in your abilities. But… Farah had shown you and a few others kindness and trust. Her neighbourhood was constantly being targeted for demolition and businesses. You knew how expensive medications and drugs could be, you had needed them before yourself. As you sat there continuing to sip your warm drink, you started to ask yourself if this was truly what you wanted to do. The cops were bringing down people who were just trying to help. Sure they clubbed and partied on the side but hell, who doesn’t take some personal time?

You decide to keep the information to yourself for now, after all, Graves would only ask for a report on Soap and Ghost. Farah and Alejandro weren’t the priority.

You think back to your father. He was trying to help too. But it got him killed. You couldn’t let a bunch of gangs run free just because they were trying to help. The man sitting next to you had killed people before. He beat up good cops, stole shipments of drugs, and made it difficult for businesses to expand and grow the economy.

The rest of the day goes by fairly casually. You don’t give Graves anything on Soap, because well, he hadn’t given you anything. Nothing you could prove. Graves is frustrated, but he’s honestly too tired to care and leaves soon after.

A few more weeks go by and try to keep tabs on everything you can. The Los Vaqueros approved of the artwork you came up with, and now they were deciding where they wanted it. Hopefully they would give you a chance to be alone to work on it and you could find more evidence. Soap had mentioned helping with recent shipments so maybe you could get something from there.

The location was an old and empty warehouse, practically deserted. Alejandro and Rudolfo went with you to the location to show you where they wanted it.

It was more like where they wanted you though. Next thing you know, Rudolfo has you pinned against the wall while Alejandro is yelling questions.

“What are you looking for?”

“The fuck are you talking about?!” You yell. Rudolfo holds you tighter by your jacket. “Why are you here? What the fuck you want?!” Alejandro is pissed, but you have to stay quiet. You can’t give them anything.

“For the fucking mural! You asked me to!” You choke out. Rudolfo is ordered to drop you and you hit the floor, coughing.

Alejandro is nowhere close to being done with you. A good man he may be, but with traitors? Few could tell you how that went.

You’re met with a boot against your ribs as a warning.

“Why are you really here… out with it.” He warns.

“I don’t kno-“ before you can finish you get the wind kicked out of you.

“You know damn well why you’re here…tell me now.” He orders. Rudolfo keeps an eye out while Alejandro continues interrogating you.

“What are you talking about?!” You manage after regaining some air. He holds up his phone and shows a photo of you… in uniform.

“What are you looking for?” He asks. There’s some lenience as he lets you get to your hands and knees. Alejandro helps you stand by grabbing you and pinning you to the wall again. You try to kick him off, your heart pounding in your chest and ears ringing in your head.

“Start talking!”

“I don’t know what you mean!”

“I know you’re a fucking cop!” He yells. “You’re undercover! I know you are, so start talking! Who else is undercover? What are you trying to find?!”

“Get off!” You yell back. At this point you’d have enough evidence for assault, but right now you were fighting to remain an assault victim.

“Not until you tell me who else is undercover with you.” Alejandro demands, you get punched in the gut making you cough. “Tell me and you walk away!”

“I…don’t…” another hit, this one to the face. There’s footsteps but you barely notice them. He grabs you by the jaw and gets close.

“Talk and I won’t tell Soap… you walk away and nothing happens…”

“…I’m a cop…” you admit. You were scared. You didn’t know how he knew. You weren’t supposed to say anything. When he brought up Soap though… Soap was the only one who seemed to put any trust in you. Losing that would hurt more than anything Alejandro could do to you.

“Where are your partners? Who are they?” Alejandro asks, his rage reducing a bit. Before you can answer though you hear a thick Scottish accent shouting and Alejandro pulled off of you.

You fall back to the ground and see Soap and Alejandro arguing with Rudolfo nearby trying to break them apart. You can barely make out what they’re saying, but eventually two hands grip your arms and help you to your feet just as Soap turns to you.

“Come on kid.” You hear a deep British voice say and you look to see Ghost is holding you, and lead you out of the warehouse while Soap follows not long after.

Ghost gets you to a car, telling you to get in the back which you do and you sit patiently for Soap to come along and sit in the passenger’s seat. They don’t say anything to you, just start driving.

As they get on the road Soap speaks up.

“Where we takin the cop?” He asks.

Your heart plummets when he says it. The way he says it tells you he’s pissed. With you.

“I’m taking Y/N to a hide out. The boss can deal with them.” Ghost said.

Soap looks back at you in the rear view and you look away. Not out the window, but more at the door. Your body was sore from Alejandro, and you were tired. You were too nervous to fall asleep.

When you get to the hideout, you sit up so Ghost can open the door. He jerks his head signalling for you to get out of the vehicle, and you do, keeping your head down. You can’t look at either of them.

Ghost leads you inside with Soap following behind you. He opens the door telling you to sit down, before stopping Soap from going inside and shuts the door.

“The fuck is this?” Soap asks annoyed.

“You’re emotional MacTavish.” Ghost tells him.

“Have fuckin right to be. We trusted ‘em and-“

“They were doing their job.” Ghost finishes the sentence.

“They used us.”

“You knew this was possible… like father like child.” Ghost reminds him. Soap is still pissed and kicks the ground hard in frustration. Ghost just folds his arms, and leans in front of the door frame letting Soap get his colourful Scottish phrases rattle off while tossing and kicking anything he could get his hands on.

You can hear them from outside and you consider running off, running away and not looking back. Soap and his men had given you a chance, a chance you had been waiting for. Soap was your friend, and he would defend you to no end. Any of his men tried to get handsy or get too drunk and go off he was beside you, jabbing back at them. He talked you up to Rudy and Al, assured Farah you were a good person, kept you close to his side… you start to wonder if it had all been for the case, or if you had done it because you felt like you were a part of something for once.

Ghost soon comes back inside, Soap is nowhere to be seen.

“You broken?” He asks. You fight your tears and shake your head.

“Take your jacket off and roll up your shirt.” He orders. You slowly stand and do as he says, showing a couple bruises. Ghost sighs and gets an ice pack from his freezer handing it to you along with a rag. You take it already knowing what to do, while he pulls up a chair and sits in front of you.

“What’s your name?” He asks.

“Y/n… y/n l/n.” You say shifting a little as you placed the ice pack to one of the bruises.

“…you’re a cop.” He says. You nod, despite the statement being rhetorical.

“Soap was aware that could be the case… given your father.” He says. You look at Ghost.

“You…”

“We knew your dad. All of us, including the boss. Good man.” He said as if trying to end the discussion. You two sat in silence for a bit while you mulled over what he said. Your father was a cop, did he do the same thing? Go undercover? Did Graves know?

“Keep the pack.” Ghost says standing up. You follow him to the car and he takes you back to your apartment. Before you exit the car he gives you a piece of paper.

“Text this for a ride.” He says. You take it.

“Could you tel-“

“No.” He says. “Tell Soap yourself.”

You nod and leave the car and go inside to your apartment. It’s late, almost midnight and god knows how long Graves has been waiting.

You knock on your own door and Graves soon opens it. When you walk in you hardly pay him any mind as he’s demanding to know where you’ve been. He keeps asking even while you’re getting some painkillers for your soreness and now headache from Graves.

“Nothing happened.” You say.

“Somethin happene-“

“Nothing… got into a fight that was it.” You say.

“You start it?” He asks.

“…no.”

“Who did?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter sergeant, now start talking!”

“I don’t know anything!” You yell. Your whole body tensed as it felt like you were at the warehouse getting questioned again. You flinched when he got closer. You clenched your fists digging the nails into your palms.

“Sergeant this is getting ridiculous. I have half a mind to take you off this case.”

“Then do it…” you mutter. At this point you don’t care. You’re in pain and this case made everything you had started to care for fall apart. What had Graves honestly done except tell you, you weren’t ready and remind you of the expectations you had being your father’s kid? Soap knew your dad, and never once reminded you of living up to him.

“What?” Graves looks at you stunned.

“Do it. Take me off the case. It’s probably for the best.” You say shrugging. Graves looks at you pressing his lips together. He shook his head.

“Your fath-“

“I don’t give a fucking damn about my father or how I’m his disappointment of a kid okay? You’re right I’m a fucking joke being his kid.”

“I’ve given you a chance to prove yourself!” Graves argues.

“And what have I done? Nothing! I’m a glorified tagger that’s what you said right?! Fine! Then I’ll be one! You gonna arrest me then?” You’re staring him down now. He just looks back, hiding his surprise. If Graves was being honest, he was tempted to do so.

“…I’ll be back in the morning.” He says and leaves your apartment. As soon as the door closes your pain opens. You’re hurting, he can tell. Something happened that scared you and that’s all he sees. He doesn’t know what’s going on deeper. The act was working but on him. The act of joining a gang in order to get closer, but that wasn’t an act to you. Not anymore. You clean yourself up, apply ice to your bruises, and stare at your father’s badge. How much did he know? How much did any of them know? You keep asking questions the whole night.

Price is sitting at a booth in a restaurant going over some paperwork when Johnny strides over and sits in the booth across from him. Price finishes the sentence he was reading and looks up.

“You knew this could happen.” Price says calmly.

“Don’t fuckin remind me…” Soap grumbles.

“How is l/n?” Price asks. “Simon told me he sent her home.”

“He did… Alejandro got to her before I ever could.” Soap comments.

“Yeah well, from what you told me, she won’t be for long. She has my number and if she was talking cops would be knocking.”

“Now what?” Soap asks.

“We wait.” Price tells him.

Taglist : @H0n3y_L3m0n

[moodymisty]

(This isn't a request, just some Konrad daydreams driven by 4am insomnia that had me screeching and I just have to share with someone while I wait for my meds to kick in!!)

Your recent post about the stinky rat man got me thinking of something truly, hilariously awful: Konrad's favorite meow meow is a PERPETUAL.

Maybe he watches her die. Maybe he accidentally kills her himself. Whatever happens, he'd probably be losing. his. fucking. mind.

..And then she comes back. Oh god, I'm loving imagining at how truly deranged he would be over that. I know he tortures Vulkan SUPER HARD after finding out he's a perpetual, but that seemed driven a lot by "You think you're good and noble(and sane)? I'll drag you down to my level."

I wonder if he'd mistake her as some kind of phantom/delusion brought on by grief and madness at first. Extra comedy: he accidentally(purposely?) kills her again while freaking out over her showing back up alive LMAO. Meow meow can't catch a fuckin' break with this man.

Now I'm wondering how a few other primarchs would react to something similar though

Sanguinius and his sons in mourning and his dead wife just shows back up like "Why did you bury me alive?!" completely unaware she DIED.

Perturabo's shitass sons being like "I told you it was a waste of time!" and then the horror of realizing they didn't escape their step-mom after all.

I'd assume all the primarchs would try to find out what the fuck happened, and maybe go to Malcador for information once they start drawing blanks? Idk.

Fulgrim would so cute, just hyped as fuck. "I have a wife? That won't get old and die before me?? I don't have to lose this one???" Bonus points if she's the last one he was going to marry because he got too heartbroken seeing his wives get old and die over and over 😫 the queen and her corgis vibe forreal

I can't really figure out Mortarion even though he's one of my faves. On one hand, WITCH!! On the other hand,he'd be so relieved the One Good Thing in his life isn't actually gone forevet..

Oh my g o d. Lorgar. Thefucking goddess shit would go CRAZY. Kor Phaeron slamming his head against a wall because he thought he finally WON. HOW DID SHE DO THAT? Some of his followers getting spooked about being rid of her because s u r e l y it was the Powers who orchestrated such a miracle... So maybe she is meant to be here? Uh oh.

Guilliman is another one I'm just like ????. All I can think of, is he'd quietly go find Emps/Malcador and be like "whattheFUCK? explain?please?how?"

It might be because I'm heavily sedated but it's all sO funny to think about. Some legions quietly rejoicing because The Distraction is gone and shejust. Comes back 😭

But can you imagine the parties thrown by the ones who really loved their legion mothers?! And you thought theFUNERAL was extravagant..

Im not sure what time it is there but I hope you slept well and have a good morning! Sorry forcthis stream of consciousness garbage by theway LOL but you always have such cool takes on things I couldnt help muself

This a joy to read friend, I have nothing to add.

Lorgar in particular with a perpetual beloved would be fucking INSANE. His whole religious trauma would be going wild as well as even some of the more apprehensive Word Bearers might be a bit more, respectful.

Imaging Vulkan's wife ends up coming back a few weeks after they desperately mourned her loss, and it's time for the galaxy's largest hug. They form a line.

[small-but-mighty]

Meet Mable!

I’ve been putting off telling this story because I wanted to focus on the other stories that these animals have to share. Anyways, my sister finally told me it’s an important one to share. So, meet Mable!

Mable is actually my bunny. She is a wonderful beautiful lionhead with just the right amount of “bunitude”. However, she hasn’t always had her luxurious long mane.

One day, one of the animal cruelty officers from work (the RISPCA) got word of a rabbit in rough condition posted on Craigslist. So, she went and investigated and ended up bringing the rabbit to our clinic for veterinary care. The little rabbit was in ROUGH condition. All four limbs were covered in urine scolding, and there was not an ounce of fat on the body, you could feel the bones. Just incase somebody who isn’t bunny savy is reading this, rabbits must always have a source of hay, this enables them to have the fiber required to keep their insides moving, if their digestive system were to stop, it very quickly can kill the rabbit. The little bunny brought to clinic, was on the verge of this happening. The small animal manager texted our team and said that this little bunny was coming into the shelter and that our vet was not sure she was going to make the weekend. I asked if our vet wanted me to take her, to at least pass on a home with love. What I thought was going to be a weekend just to give a little bun a home to pass, turned into the start of a long journey.

She survived the first weekend, and by then… she stole my heart. This little baby was only about three months old, and she had a fighting spirit. She was a bit shy about me, but she knew I was helping her, taking her meds like a champ, and chowing down on all the hay I could offer. I knew I couldn’t let her go. That Tuesday (it was a long weekend!) I brought her back to the clinic, it was time to start the process of finding out just how truly bad her legs were. This meant she had to be put under anesthesia. While under anesthesia the veterinarian was able to perform x-rays on her legs, which showed that the urine scolding on her legs (this was caused by her living in her own filth) was so bad, the infection went down to one of the bones. Great. We made the weekend, we woke up from anesthesia, but now we have to pray we can treat this infection. Or else she would have to become a little tripod. Now becoming a tripod would not have been the end of Mable’s story, I remember doing research about tripod rabbits, just incase! However, nobody wants to ambulate a bunny’s leg…..

So after removing all the dead skin from all four limbs, I was able to be there when Mable woke up from her anesthesia. It was no longer a mission to just survive, we were gonna heal now. For months, Mable wore cast like bandages on her legs and got antibiotics twice a day. These had to be changed twice a week by a vet. We started out with all 4 in casts, then we went to just her back legs, until it was just her one really bad leg. FINALLY, all four legs were free! The first time I ever saw this bunny binky, I almost cried! She was able to do that, because of the time, patience, talent, and dedication our team had.

She still wasn’t done yet though! There was still one more big procedure she had to make it through. Her spay! I will always advocate for spaying and neutering your bunny, but my goodness was I nervous! The little fighter has already gone through so much and she had to go through a surgery now! Of course she came through like it was nothing though.

I took Mable home on January 20th, 2023, and her official adoption day of when she was medically cleared was May 23,2023. So it was a very lengthy process of healing, my entire last semester of college actually.

Today, Mable is the most spoiled bunny! She has her own bed, so many toys and treats (including those that come in her monthly subscription box), and so many people that love her! She recently had her first yearly check up where she got a clean bill of health!

You can sometimes find Mable with me at the RISPCA, where we have told our story to kids at our humane education camp, and even to potential adopters or those who are trying to learn more about rabbits when they attend our bunny related events!

Mable is a huge part of my life and even though she is a tiny little gal, she really has shown both me and the world just how mighty she is. Next time you visit the RISPCA, look around the adoption areas and the smallie room, you may just find her picture around!

[v3nusxsky]

Can you do a, Wandanat X Agere fem reader?

Maybe reader djdnt want to regress, due to the amount of missions they were getting, and she accidently messes up in a mission and Fury yells at her for it, and she regressed in her room later that night, and Wanda and Natasha find her? And reader has thus toy dog she loses snd they have to find it to calm her down?? Fluff after that.

Agere, fluff, hurt, and comfort. I believe that's what you requested.

If not, no problem, I love all your writing!!!

Sorry if it's really specific, I'm nervous when it comes to requesting

Sun,moon and stars

*Authors note~ long time no see guys! I've missed posting. Been a little scared to start back up bc of the hate and my accident really threw me for a while but here we go. Thanks to the support of my friends and my lovely girlfriend @just-your-casual-nerd I’m going to be starting with Agere for the pure reason it's less taxing on my body and brain. Smut angst etc will come when I'm a little better*

Trigger warnings~ regression little r mama and momma wandanat loss of comfort item angry fury? Sight angry Nat?

Prompt~see ask^^^^^

The past few weeks had really been insane for you, you were either on missions or filling out the paperwork from your previous missions. You'd hardly seen your girlfriends due to this, which meant the idea of allowing yourself to regress was definitely out the window. You couldn't afford to mess up the missions, exposing your secret to the team. A lot of the time it was truly hard to admit you coped this way, but Wanda and Nat seemed to love helping you through it. Not everyone is accepting of it though, you learnt that very early on in your life. Perhaps that's why you felt the need to hide.

After a recent mission with Steve, Tony and Peter you were all on the way back to the compound when Steve told you. Fury wanted to see you immediately upon landing. You instantly knew why, your gaze flickering over to Peter who was cradling his arm. It was an accident really, you didn't mean to. Your brain blanking at the wrong time allowing one of the Hydra guards to twist Peters arm painfully. His cries of pain clearing the fog that littered your brain when you needed to slip. You'd apologised time and time again to Peter and he reassured you he wasn't mad. But no matter how much he said it you knew you'd messed up. The reason he would be taken to med bay was because you weren't strong enough to stay big. Guilt eating away at you, you weren't sure how much worse Fury could make you feel.

Apparently it could get worse, the guilt eating away at you as Fury laid into you about how reckless you were, your behaviour resulting in Peters injuries meant you were suspended from the field. His exact wording was something like "till we can figure out how to fix you!" You did your best to stay silent and remain strong, crying was not something you wished to do in front of him. You don't need fixing just a break really but you knew better than to respond like that, instead opting to flee his office and head to the safety of your shared room before breaking down.

You'd missed dinner, that was why Wanda and Natasha began searching for you. They knew the mission didn't go as well as wanted so they figured you'd want space to process like normal, but you never missed dinner. You love wanda's cooking too much for that. After checking your usual spots, they headed to your room. There you were curled up with dried tear strains on your cheeks, the room around you trashed to high hell. Clearly, you were looking for something but what would you be looking for badly enough to do this? "Nat, she's" Wanda trailed off as your thoughts were loud, "Little." Now everything made so much sense. You were looking for Pup Pup.

You must have regressed alone and being unable to find your beloved pup pup, you'd cried yourself to sleep. It was truly heartbreaking to see, as your caregivers, you hadn't found one of them and were alone in such a vulnerable mind set. Your whimpers as tears began to fall again worried Wanda enough to check on your dream. Only where she would witness you reliving how Fury shouted at you, saying you needed to be fixed. Your whole body shook with the second hand fear from the dream. Both girls knew you didn't like being shouted at or anything that was loud.

"Nat, Fury, he ripped into her about Peter" Wanda whispered before going to kneel next to your body. Her hand finding your cheeks as she brushed your tears away mumbling words of comfort, "it's okay dekta (baby) momma is here." The red head assassin gave Wanda a quick nod before exiting to find Fury. She wasn't having you being treated like this when they'd been overworking you and in general ignoring your own well-being. This wouldn't ever happen again because Natasha would make sure of it.

"Momma?" You sleepily sobbed before throwing yourself into her awaiting arms, "founds me!" You cried causing her heart to shatter slightly. "That's right my darling. I have you now. Why are we sad love bug?" It was adorable how your brows joined and you scrunched your nose up in thought, "Pup Pup gones!" You gasped as if you'd only just realised that Pup Pup was missing now. You appeared to be regressed a lot smaller than you normally would. The girls were use to you regressing to about five years old, but based of this interaction Wanda guessed you were about two to three years old. "We will find your Pup Pup bug."

"Mama!" You pouted noticing her absence. "Shh love bug mana is just finishing up with work and she'll be here, how bout you and momma go on a hunt for Pup Pup?" Wandas soothing tone and her redirection to your beloved Pup Pup. Hand in hand you and Wanda set out to find the ragged looking stuffie that you'd had since you were found by Hydra. The only thing they'd let you keep at a price and you cherished it. It didn't take long for your little brain to become overwhelmed and frustrated at your inability to find the stuffie.

"Momma! No finds! Gones! Want mama! I sorry I be good give Pup Pup me now?" You sobbed clumsily clinging to her as you cried for you two lost loves. "You are good my love bug, so so good. We are gonna find your Pup Pup I promise." She hushed you as the bedroom door opened and a very satisfied Natasha came into the room. "моя маленькая принцесса (my little princess) look who mama found малыш (baby)" her sing song voice caught your attention as you knew it was only for you. "Pup Pup!!" You cried happily coming to hold the stuffie, "frank you mama!"

"You're so welcome дорогой (darling), shall we all go get a snack baby?" You nodded enthusiastically until you remembered Fury's words, "Nahuh mama" you mumbled sadly, "I'm bad, no eat when bad." This time both women came to your side and showered you with reassurance and love that you were not bad. And Peter wasn't mad at you. Fury was in the wrong to go off at you like that and you were safe with them. They wouldn't let any harm come yo you. In fact you could eat in the bedroom cuddled up together. They just wanted to care for you, so you eventually relented, your little brain not holding much room to fight so you happily settled into bed snuggling up to Natasha's chest while you waited for Wanda to return with food. Before Wanda could even return you'd passed out on Nat, Natasha looking at you with such a loving gaze Wanda felt truly too blessed to be witnessing it. Truly you deserved the sun, moon and the stars, and both women wanted to give you all that and more.

Word count~ 1354

[h0tb0x1nnac0ff1n]

𝒴ℴ𝓊'𝓇ℯ ℳ𝓎 ℋℯ𝓇ℴ 𝒟𝒾𝓍ℴ𝓃

Daryl Dixon X Mentally unstable fem! Reader

Genre: Fluff

TW: Insomnia, depression, ED, anxiety, SH, thoughts of unaliving

Summary: Reader is a female who has been struggling mentally for years, after everything has happened and they have run out of their medication they have gotten worse. But thankfully her crush, Daryl Dixon, is there to comfort her.

A/N: If you can relate to any of these warnings, please seek help. This post is for people who are struggling mentally but wish for a story that can truly help express how they feel. If you are not comfortable with the topics of this story, please scroll.

✩☆✩☆✩☆✩☆✩☆✩☆✩☆✩☆✩

I sat on top of my sleeping bag, wrapped in a soft blanket holding a stuffed animal, earbuds in my ears, the wires ran through to the iPod I had playing my music. The time on the IPod said 2:27 am. I haven’t been able to sleep all night.

But the music that played

'𝐴𝑙𝑙 𝑡ℎ𝑒 ℎ𝑖𝑔ℎ-𝑓𝑎𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑘𝑠 𝑠𝑤𝑎𝑦 𝑖𝑛 𝑠𝑦𝑛𝑐 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑟ℎ𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑚 '

'𝐵𝑎𝑐𝑘 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑡ℎ'

'𝐵𝑎𝑐𝑘 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑡ℎ'

I know I shouldn’t listen to music that makes me feel sadness to this level but the instrumental of the song alone is beautiful.

In a world like today, feeling nothingness is how I get by, if I don’t feel happy I won’t get attachments, if I don’t feel sad then I don’t want to… you know.

'𝐴𝑙𝑙 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑝𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑛𝑜𝑖𝑠𝑠𝑒𝑢𝑟𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑒𝑐𝑟𝑒𝑡 𝑠𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑡𝑒𝑢𝑟𝑠'

' 𝐺𝑜𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑓𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑠𝑒𝑟𝑣𝑒𝑖𝑙𝑙𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑛𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡𝑙𝑖𝑓𝑒'

‘ 𝑀𝑒'

'𝐴𝑛𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑏𝑖𝑟𝑑𝑠'

I tear falls from my seemingly emotionless face.

My eyes close, and I just let the feeling of everything rush over me. I check my pill bottle to see if I had anything left, knowing I’ve been out for weeks at this point, not caring to tell anybody that the medicine that saves my life is now gone.

I then decide to get up to smoke a cigarette outside my tent.

I put the cigarette butt in my mouth and cover the end with my mouth and ‘flick’ with a lighter.

As I inhale, the lightheadedness of the nicotine entering my lungs relaxes me. I feel nothing. I’m empty.

The outdoors is dark, and damp from the rain we had just a few hours before, making the earth smell cozy and natural

“Whatcha doin’ up at this time?” I jump and the sudden presence of the individual.

I sigh “I just couldn’t sleep, that’s all”

I hear the ‘flick’ and ‘fwoo’ of another lighter, I see the small flame light the face of a man whom I’ve gotten to know as Daryl.

He himself lights a cigarette and the smoke fills the air around us, the smell was disgusting. The smell of cigarettes are nauseating, the taste was worse. But I don’t smoke for the taste.

“Whatcha listening to?” He asks turning his head to me, standing to my side.

“Just some alternative from the 90’s” I show him the screen of my IPod

“Mm, ya like music from then?”

“Yea I mean it wasn’t really that long ago, it was just 2010 when everything went to shit.” I say as I look at him with a slight smile on my face

“I mean music that’s 20 years old?”

“I mean, if you look at it. The grand scheme of everything it’s recent, the existence of intelligent humans it’s recent, not that time exists anymore, non of that stuff matters anymore.” Looking down at my cigarette and taking a quick drag of it

“Why do ya think like that? Like very deeply about the way things are.” He and taking a large drag of his cigarette and doing a ghost with it

“I just try to have a realistic and optimistic mindset on things” I said looking at him with soft eyes

“Hmm?” He responds, raising his voice a bit to make it sound like a question

“I think, we should acknowledge the way the world is, let it change us, but we should also be optimistic about it, and be grateful that I’m alive right now, speaking to you smoking this cigarette. I may not be breathing tomorrow, but right now I am”

“Have your meds ran out?” He asks quietly

“Yes, yes they have” I say in a serious voice

“How long have ya been out” he looked at me with sadness in his eye, the look of genuine appreciation and affection. His eyes were soft and sweet.

I pause for a moment, feeling the tears in my eyes show up. My eyes started to burn at the sudden wetness. “Uhm, maybe about two? Three weeks? I uh, I’m not entirely sure” I say looking down at my feet taking a long drag of my cigarette and flicking the ashes.

“Why haven’t ya said anythin’?” His voice gruff, and quiet. He seemed as if he was holding back anger, trying not to scare me.

“Because there isn’t anything I can do, we can’t just go to any pharmacy and pick up prescription medication especially that kind” I said raising my voice slightly at the last few words, starting to sound a bit agitated. Taking another drag of my cigarette I start to cry.

“I just wanna be normal Daryl. I don’t want to have to rely on these fucking pills to keep me alive! To keep me wanting to stay alive. And now there all gone” I said between sniffles, taking multiple drags of my cigarette as it burns out, and I reach for another one to light, taking a drag from that one.

“I just, I wish I had healthy ways to cope with everything. I’d rather feel nothing than feel something, maybe I’m better off as a walker or some shit” I say kicking a rock below my foot

Daryl then grabs both of my shoulders and makes me face him, his cigarette ash falling on my shoulder.

“Don’t ya EVER say somethin’ like tha’ in front of me ever again ya hear me girl!? I can take ya being sad, but not talking down on ya self, like ya said ya gotta except the way the world is, the fact you’re breathin’ as we speak, you’re alive and you’re alive without you’re meds, so stop sayin’ ya need them to live. Because ya don’t, and ya ain’t!”

I stare at him, my eyes fill up once more and I hug him. I hug him tight and bawl.

“I’m so sorry Daryl, I’m just having a hard time right now, I can’t sleep I’ve been trying all night I haven’t slept in two days I just ‘sniffle’ I just don’t know anymore.” I say as my face is pressed into his chest, soaking his dirty sleeveless shirt.

“It alrigh’, let’s get ya to bed” he says quietly, almost so soft I could hardly hear it. “Do ya want me to watch ya? Make sure ya sleep” he lets me go but holds onto my shoulder, letting me know he’s still there.

“Yea, that would be nice.” I say sniffling, looking up at him quickly then back at my feet twiddling with my fingers.

We then go inside of my tent and take my jacket off, showing my scars but I quickly hide them, feeling self conscious. But Daryl grabs my hand and kisses my wrist “I want to know how many times you cried for help, and nobody listened, I want you to know your safe and that I won’t do anything to hurt you” he says still holding into my hand.

I feel myself start to cry once again, why am I so emotional today?

Daryl hold me in his arms once more and lays down on his back on top of my sleeping bag, and covers me in my blanket. I lay my head on his chest, hugging him as he holds me, rubbing his hand through my hair and back.

After what felt like a hour of crying, my eyes are heavy and sleepy. I snuggle up to him more feeling myself start to fall asleep

“If ya need anybody, I’m here, because I care. I really do.” Daryl spoke softly

“But why?” I asked quietly as my voice cracked.

“Because-“ he froze for a second, thinking of what to say “I just think you’re a great woman, and that it’s unfortunate ya feel the way ya do about yourself because your beautiful, I wish ya could see tha’ too.”

He.. he thinks I’m beautiful? I look up to meet his eyes, and sit up slightly. “You think I’m beautiful?”

“I think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve laid eyes on” his voice was rough, and sounded a bit shaky. Was he nervous?

“I think you’re the most handsome man I’ve met Dixon.” I say as I meet his eyes.

We just look into each other’s eyes for a moment before I notice Daryl sitting up more. He pulls me onto his lap and looks at me, like as if he was asking for permission for something. I lean in closer to him and place a soft gentle kiss on his lips, and he reciprocated. Looking into his eyes I could see he was happy, he looked to be calm, at ease. He then hugged me, and placed a kiss on my cheek. “Daryl, do you like me, or was that in the moment?” I ask looking at him and he shares the expression of guilt

“I’m sorry, I thought you felt the same” Daryl says as he looks away from me, letting go of my hips. “No Dixon I do, I do feel the same” I say looking into his eyes, he kisses me one more time and smiles.

We then lay down and I check the time. 3:26 am, everything just happened in a hour.

I lay my head back on Daryl’s chest and close my eyes. And finally, fall asleep in the warm comforting embrace of the man of my dreams.

Weeks have gone by and Daryl and I are in a relationship now, he is always there for me when I need him. Always there to hold me tight when I feel at my worst, always there to smoke a cigarette with, there to speak about my feelings, and i speak to him about his feelings. Daryl and I haven’t just become a couple, we developed a genuine appreciation and love for each other. We are inseparable now, and years later, after prison, Terminous, Alexandria. Were are here for each other.

Daryl Dixon, has become my hero.

𝒯𝒽𝒶𝓃𝓀 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝒻ℴ𝓇 𝓇ℯ𝒶𝒹𝒾𝓃ℊ♡

[jazberry8]

Truly this is my first time posting on Tumblr, but here goes. Recently, I watched Doogie Kamealoha MD on Disney and I really liked it, but was bummed we won’t be getting anymore. So I wrote a few bullet points of what I think a third season could include. Please feel free to comment your own points or what you think should happen!

Overview:

- starts one to two years after the last season left off

- Lahela is finishing off her first stint of working the portable clinic. We maybe follow that for two episodes before she heads back to the hospital to move into the next phase of her career.

- Her family is still getting used to having a new baby at home. the pressures of having a kid you need to look after more closely. The baby is showing early signs of fast development and they wonder if they will grow up to be a genius like Lahela. She deals with jealousy but ultimately embraces the baby and looks forward to helping them as they grow up to know they are not alone.

- Kai has moved for a co-op farming program in Idaho to grow some potatos or some shit in his third year of post secondary school which puts strain on his and Steph’s relationship. They end up breaking up but on good terms.

- Steph, after taking a gap year, is struggling to figure out what she wants to do with her life.

- Early to mid season Steph starts dating a girl

- BP is in highschool, there’s definitely an episode that focuses just on his side hustles as the B plot.

- It comes to attention that BP has been leaving mean comments on a famous queer creators content online. His parents try to deal with it but are unsuccessful. Ultimately he confides in Steph that he might like boys as well as girls and she comforts him. In the end he comes out to his family and they are very accepting. He apologizes to the creator online.

- Its a very transition heavy time, with a big focus on that thematically.

- Lahela goes back to the hospital, which thanks to a big anonymous sponsor, has been donated the resources to create a small wing for free of charge care which she will helm.

- It’s a big leadership opportunity that she has to get used to and at first she struggles, especially after working alone in the portable medical office for so long. But after a visit from Noelani and Charles her confidence is re-instilled.

- She helps lots of people and solves some cool cases of course. She also deals with a very serious death which will definitely probably be a turning point in the series or a major focus at some point as she learns to deal with that trauma as a doctor.

- It comes to light that the anonymous donor is actually Walter!?!?!?!!! He’s made it big as a surfer and wanted to help give back to the community of Hawaii, but also to Lahela.

- He comes to visit the hospital and see how it’s going (mid season?) but the dynamic between them has shifted. He is now her boss in a sense and owns that wing. Also with time they have just changed. They kiss but ultimately decide it doesn’t feel right for either of them and they should just be friends and co-workers

- Nico’s Aunt ends up coming into the free clinic because she burned herself while cooking. Lahela asks how Nico is doing and her aunt says he’s good and that she’ll be seeing him soon. When Lahela asks what she means, Nico replies from the doorway that his aunt ruined the surprise. After spending the last two years soul searching, travelling, working, and finishing his highschool diploma he’s now in his first year of university for his pre-med degree. He got in on a full scholarship, for which he credits his entrance essay that he “had a lot of material to draw on”. He’ll be volunteering in the hospital to get more experience

- Nico really likes being able to take care of other people for once and feels really good about that. Plus he’s really good with the patients. When a little girl with cancer comes in, at first he stumbles and can’t face her. But in the end he comes to realizes that his connection to her and to cancer can really help her. He spends time with her and helps her to feel more normal as a kid with cancer because he went through the same experience. It’s a very emotional journey for him.

- He and Lahela dance around what they had before, never really mentioning it, but the tension is there. Lots of lingering looks and touches. She falls for him again as she sees the way he interacts with patients and his passion for medicine.

- Finally, (late season) they talk about what happened. Nico says that he needed time to figure himself out, and after processing it all. Even though he was mad at cancer and hospitals and even the cancer treatment for robbing him of so much, after the anger faded he came to realize how grateful he was for the doctors and for the treatment that was able to let him continue living and that he wanted to give back.

- Lahela admires his outlook, and she jokes about being able to experiment more with girls now that he was finally free. Nico says that he didn’t, because he couldn’t get her out of his head. Lahela kisses him, and admits that she felt the same way, she just needed some time to grow up a little on her own too and find out who she was outside of a romantic relationship.

- On their days off they definitely still travel around in the portable doctor office van with the lady from the highschool reunion to provide to unhoused people.

[elvenbeard]

Shivers

Cyberpunk 2077 Fanfic

Summary: Kerry is stalked by all kinds of shadows while having to work on finalizing a new song. Some recent developments may be a literal ticket to kickstarting a final attempt of finding a cure for V. (Post-Sun-Ending, mostly canon-compliant, Chapter 14/?, 7061 words, Kerry Eurodyne/V - notes at the end) >> Previous Chapter >> Read from the Beginning

The black asphalt ahead flickered in the heat as Kerry sped along the ever-winding road south of Rancho. In the distance shimmered the old dam’s concrete walls, the faded “Petrochem” lettering gleaming in the sun. That’s where he was headed to, or rather, the viewpoint at the very top. V’s voice had been urgent on the phone, and so Kerry had dropped everything he’d been doing and jumped into his car. V often came here when he needed some distance to the city without truly leaving – or so he’d said when Kerry asked him about the place’s significance one time. Every time they came here to talk it was serious.

The tires of his Aerondight came to a screeching halt on the side of the road and Kerry jumped out of the car looking for V. He was hard to miss thankfully, the only person out here besides himself. V’s back was turned towards Kerry, one foot up on the low concrete barrier separating him from a deep fall down a coarse red cliff. He had his hands in his pockets and gazed across Night City, like a king watching his realm. The midday sun blinded Kerry at first, but it also made V seem even more majestic, even if somewhat unreal.

“Hey, I got here as fast as I could,” Kerry called over, began hurrying towards him, but there was no reaction at first.

“V?” he repeated out of breath.

Kerry was merely an arm’s length away from him, only just raised his hand to reach out, when an all too familiar scent crawled into his nose. He froze on the spot. It was as if time stood still, even the wind stopped and the city itself held its breath. Then V turned around, agonizingly slowly, sole scraping along the concrete as he pushed away from the low wall. He wore a pair of old red aviators and had a cigarette between his lips, Johnny’s favorite brand…

“Bit too late,” he drawled, his voice definitely V’s… but different, rougher, meaner. He threw the cigarette to the ground and drew his boot across it, leaving a black streak of ashes in the desert dust.

“V’s not here anymore.”

Kerry gasped and startled awake, stomach nearly turning. His skin was covered in cold, sticky sweat, his heart fluttered in his chest like a panicked, trapped bird. His chest… he realized an arm was loosely wrapped around him, a scratchy plastic cast with cold fingers poking out against his sternum. V was breathing against his back, deep and evenly. The horror of the nightmare finally began to clear up. The TV was still on, they’d fallen asleep halfway through a Bushido movie (one of the old classics). V was squished between Kerry and the backrest of the sofa, their legs entangled and V loosely holding on to him. Kerry was surprised he hadn’t woken him up as well, but he remembered now. Right before settling down here, V had taken another dose of Vik’s emergency meds – proactively, just to not have another attack throughout the night. He was pretty much medically knocked out cold. Regardless, only slowly and carefully, Kerry moved to turn around. He didn’t want to wake V after all by shifting too much, but he also needed to see him, see his face… actually, he wanted to hear his voice, too, have him reassure him once more, or a thousand times more, that it would all be okay in the end. But he refrained from trying to wake him up.

He lied back down, V’s left arm still draped across him limply, but now they were face to face. V’s expression was relaxed, he was deep asleep. Kerry reached up, lightly ran his fingers along the tattoo decorating V’s cheekbone and jaw, then gently brushed through his hair. V sighed in his sleep, and Kerry’s hand flinched back. But V didn’t stir, instead he just shuffled slighting, inching closer towards him in his sleep. This little instinctive movement tied Kerry’s throat shut real good. He lowered his hand to put his arm around V to hold him close, took in his scent and warmth. Focused on V’s breathing he closed his eyes again and tried to catch at least a few more hours of sleep as well. The sun would rise again soon enough.

The impressions from his nightmare accompanied him all morning. As they got ready together, during breakfast when V looked at his phone suspiciously often, during the tense car-ride to the hospital, all the way into the recording booth.

“Very good, Kerry!” Vicky praised him. With her, Kerry was sometimes not sure if she truly meant what she said or only said what he needed to hear to not throw the towel.

“You’ve really on fire today, I love to see it,” she added while pushing some buttons on her control panel, not looking at him, “Let’s do one final take, starting at ‘you like to remember’, alright?”

“Sure, yeah,” Kerry shrugged, the microphone in front of his face mocking him, “All the way through the chorus?”

Vicky gave him a thumbs up from the other side of the window separating them.

“Give it your all, one more time,” she encouraged him and smiled, white teeth stark in contrast to her deep red lipstick.

The metronome ticked in the first few beats, then the backing track started up again. Kerry found his way into the rhythm naturally, listened to his own guitar play, in his mind he could almost feel the strings vibrate under his fingertips as he played the chords, strummed the melody.

“Three, two, one…” Vicky gave him the cue over the audio track.

“You like to remember,” Kerry sang, giving it his all as instructed, and it was all he had left at this point. They’d been here since 10.30, recording almost non-stop, the same lines over and over again, until every note was perfect. Kerry didn’t even need or want perfect all that much. In the end the recording was mostly for the label, the medias. Later, live on stage this song would sound different every time. Each performance had its own distinct sound and soul, created anew by him and the crowd present that night, none would be like the other. It was one of a handful of aspects of making music that actually still hadn’t lost their magic over the decades.

But of course, it wasn’t that Kerry didn’t care for how he sounded on the record. Otherwise, he would’ve long called it a day, or probably recorded the full album already. Naturally he wanted to be proud of the final version, the one that would be played on the radio, the feeds, some kid’s old record player. Maybe this would be the first of his songs someone ever listened to. It had to leave an impact, carry a message. He had to put all his heart and soul into this final take for now.

“When every word poisoned your blood!” he continued with fervor.

The accompanying guitar track was heavy with melancholy and heartache, his own suffering of too many years gone by without a perspective poured into the chords. Kerry closed his eyes, focused on the rhythm of the bass that he’d wanted to be reminiscent of a heartbeat here. The producers hadn’t been sure about whether or not it would work in the end with the overall pacing, but it did, better than Kerry himself could have imagined. The steady “du-du-dum, du-du-dum” carried him through the next line of lyrics.

“I know you don’t wanna suffer,” he half-screamed, at his younger self, at his current self as well, really, “But this is something so much deeper!”

The guitar faded away for a few moments, and only the bass remained, steadily pulsating on. Kerry’s throat hurt, not from strain, but from emotion, threatening to silence him when right this moment his voice would matter the most. The volume rose in an epic crescendo, the beat took up speed and energy, like a wave steadily growing right before it would crash against the coast, paying no mind to who or what may be in its way. This tension of seeing the wave roll towards him, but at the same time being frozen in shock and awe at its enormous dimensions... He would seize Vicky’s suggestion and pour all his anxieties, fears, all his anger at the world into this fucking chorus.

“They’re shivers!” he belted out, surprised sometimes by what his voice was capable of, “They’re shivers, they’re shivers!”

He took a deep breath.

“My caresses are an act of violence!”

He pictured his fingers trailing along V’s sides. How he pulled him to his feet from the kitchen floor last night, then a flash… How he pinned him against the shower wall, or when he’d gently helped him into the passenger seat of his car outside of Arasaka Tower that night not even four months ago… A million little moments flashed before his eyes.

“Everything to you that’s holy – “he saw V’s smile, his eyes glowing golden in the morning sun, heard his laughter, saw him scrunch his nose and shake his head. He loved when V, otherwise so composed and stoic, made silly faces at Kerry’s jokes and teasing, or how his face lit up when they finally saw each other at the end of a long day… All the little mannerisms about him that made Kerry’s heart skip a beat usually – “gives you shivers, shivers, shivers!”

He drew out and held the last note for as long as he had air in his lungs, refused his voice to give in like it did during an earlier take. He poured his essence into this song so that part of him would always live on even when he was long dead and gone. The people should feel what he felt right now when they listened to this album, feel his love for V. Without him, he wouldn’t be standing here singing anymore.

As the music of the chorus slowly transitioned to the next verse, Kerry let his voice fade out along with it, only then he opened his eyes again. Vicky paused the backing track, slid her fingers across the control panel, then she looked up at him, bright green eyes gleaming with excitement.

“That was the one! Amazing work!” she praised, and Kerry shrugged and hinted a bow, playing it cool as if his chest wasn’t hurting, as if “Shivers” hadn’t just sent actual shivers down his spine. He’d had his struggles with this song, but it seemed like today he finally rediscovered his connection to it, found a reason as to why he had written it in the first place.

“We’re quickly gonna go through everything again and piece a demo together for you to have a listen,” Vicky said, “But damn, look at the time. Ya deserve a break!”

“Alright, preem,” Kerry said nonchalantly and exited the recording booth, “Imma go for a smoke, be back soon.”

“Sure, no rush!”

He grabbed his jacket from the sofa as Vicky and her team of sound engineers huddled together in front of her screen, then he left the room and turned right straight away. He was headed for the stairs to the roof. As always, there had been little to no reception in the booth, and he was immediately swamped by at least a dozen missed text messages and emails. He swiped all the ones that weren’t important away, as only one really mattered. Before entering the stairwell, he selected V's name and read through the two messages he’d sent him – not that long ago, thankfully.

11.27 a.m.

Appointment was interesting, to say the least. More only in person. She wants to do some preliminary tests today, more later this week. Gotta do some waiting atm. I’ll tell you everything once I’m out. Love you :*

2.06 p.m.

Finally outta here. You didn’t read my prev message yet, so you’re probably still in the booth, dw! I’ll call Del and be at the studio soon. See you on the roof. <3

It was just past 2.30 now, so unless the traffic was batshit, V was most likely already there. That certainly was the motivator Kerry needed to climb the narrow metal stairs of doom where MSM surely could’ve long invested in an elevator. There was one leading to the roof from the entrance lobby, just not from the booths for some reason – the reason being probably that guests deserved more luxury and comfort than the label’s talent and employees.

Kerry was greeted by a warm breeze as he opened the door to the rooftop lounge, and he didn’t need to look around for long to spot V. He’d once again pulled one of the unused lounge chairs from the bar-area to the railing and was looking across Charter Hill. For a split second the situation brought Kerry back to last night’s nightmare again, him out of breath, late for their meeting, and V gazing across their beloved city from far above. But other than in his dream V was facing him, and when he saw him walk out the stairwell, a little smile flashed across his face.

“Hey,” Kerry just said, and V slowly got up from his chair to pull Kerry into a quick hug as soon as he was in reach.

“Hey back at ya,” he said hoarsely, and Kerry chuckled. He pulled away only far enough to give V a quick kiss, brushing his thumbs across his cheeks. As usual lately V looked awfully tired and exhausted, and on top of it he didn’t quite seem to be able to hold Kerry’s gaze. That was never a good sign. Kerry’s chest grew tight once more, as if the wave had finally collapsed on top of him, had crushed his ribs and began to pull him into the open ocean along with the debris of his life.

“Bad news?” Kerry asked carefully, still out of breath, and V briefly looked at him. He put his hands on Kerry’s, as best as he could.

“Mixed news, rather,” he said, “It’s… a fuckin’ lot.”

V slowly pulled away and sank back into his seat. Kerry dragged another chair closer, right across from V, and also sat down.

“What did she say?” he asked, although he realized how vague of a question that was.

V crossed his legs and rested his head in his right hand, elbow propped up on the armrest. His eyes wandered to the ground, then were drawn back over to the city to his left.

“She seems quite confident that she can help me,” he explained, “Or well at least… she has a plan. Before making any promises, she needs to run more tests though. Got more appointments lined up the next few days…”

Kerry leaned forward, rested his elbows on his thighs, trying to catch V’s gaze from below now.

“What did she do today? Anything on the pills? Your… episodes?” he asked.

V didn’t reply immediately, picked every word carefully.

“Nothing concrete on the pills, yet. She’s gonna look at them later today or tomorrow. Promised an update as soon as she has one.”

He paused, and Kerry almost slipped off the edge of his seat from tension.

“About the attacks she said, after reading out my system, biomonitor, and so on, comparing Vik’s scans with hers… she can’t determine a definitive organic or technological source.”

Kerry continued to stare at V, who continued to not look at him, instead gazed into the distance, leaned back in his chair as if this wasn’t a major revelation. Although one Kerry wasn’t sure what to make of just yet, he just knew it was concrete and concerning alike.

“You… gotta explain that a bit more,” he then said, “Not sure I get it.”

“I’m not even sure I get it,” V shrugged and slowly turned his head back to finally face him again.

“She said, usually attacks like I had them have definitive organic causes, say… a tumor. Something that would show up on a scan one way or another, be it heightened brain activity in one area, or none at all, bleeding, you name it. But all okay in that regard, all things considered. Alternatively, the attacks could be caused by incompatible or otherwise faulty cyberware, but that’s not the case either. She said yes, my brain and nervous system are quite done for, thanks to the Relic and Dexter’s bullet. Brain’s also not being stimulated enough, because my engram is incompatible with it, so it’s kinda just… deteriorating more and more. Like a muscle you don’t use. That’s not exactly news, just confirming the situation is still bad.”

Kerry swallowed, and V took a deep breath.

“But my cyberware is working as normal, even the Relic is not acting up particularly. The brain damage alone, according to her, doesn’t explain these sudden and violent attacks.”

“’s it ‘cause the pills have been suppressing them, or…”

V shook his head, and Kerry frowned.

“She said, the degeneration that’s going on is actually not nearly as severe as it should be at this stage, ironically,” V said, “Fuentes said, if Alt told the truth in Mikoshi, and with how bad a state I was in back in June, I’d be a babbling mess already, or dead. She thinks the pills must’ve helped stabilize me in some way, slowed down the deterioration.”

“Okay…” Kerry nodded, still struggling to grasp this all at once. Even though it was a warm and sunny day he shivered. V was fumbling with his cast, in exchange for fumbling with his personal link port, what he usually did when he was nervous or otherwise intensely thinking about something.

“She confirmed what Vik said: there’s new connections where there were none a couple of months ago, which does not align with what a dying brain is capable of necessarily,” V continued, and again he turned away, “The severity and frequency of my attacks… She said something like that would happen at the earliest weeks after not taking any meds, and it would be a slow buildup, even in my state. Not this frequent and severe, after forgetting to take them once or twice.”

Kerry struggled to follow V’s explanations, couldn’t put together his calm matter-of-factness with the severity of the situation, the weight of the meaning behind his words.

“The… pills cause these attacks, even if you’re not takin’ them?” he concluded after a few moments of silence.

“Not the pills as such, I don’t think,” V shook his head, “Maybe the nanobots I still have in my body, or maybe my own, rewired nervous system, or a combo of both. Fuentes says it’s likely my own body is creating these as some kind of artificial, very intense withdrawal symptom. Like...”

V vaguely gestured into the air, towards the city, looking for words.

“Just how it’s natural to my body that I breathe without thinking, something was done to me that it’s now natural for me to almost die every time I forget to take my spiked pills. So, I continue to swallow them, so these nanobots can continue to… I don’t even wanna know.”

Kerry let himself fall back in his chair and looked up into the hazy blue sky. He was so out of it, so taken aback, he didn’t even want to light up a cigarette. He rubbed his face with both hands briefly, as if it would help rearrange the swirl of thoughts rushing through his head.

“Lemme just… process this for a second,” he said, “The pills helped you, but at the same time, the moment you stop taking them, actively kill you?”

“Again, not the pills as such. But I think the nanobots that were hidden in them may have rewired my brain to do that, yeah,” V said, tone still annoyingly calm. Meanwhile Kerry’s pulse had reached a new top speed. He sat up straight again and stared right at V, who was still leaned back, head in his hand, and watched the city traffic like this was a chill Sunday morning brunch.

“How can you be so… calm about this?” it finally burst out of Kerry, upset but at the same time also not wanting to be. He wasn’t even sure why he was so mad, he just hoped V would show a little more concern, more of a reaction about all of this. Instead, he just shrugged.

“I’ve been thinking…” he then slowly started, “Dunno. What if you’d just take me to the Philippines?”

Kerry’s heart physically skipped a beat, he sensed it, his Biomonitor even beeped a tiny alert again.

“The fuck do you mean?” he asked, again more harshly than intended, but V had knocked all air from his lungs with that question. V slowly turned to look at him again, and now Kerry saw that his eyes were teary, that that was the reason he had avoided to look at him. All of Kerry’s anger was gone in an instant.

“Vince,” he said, grabbed his chair and scooched closer, close enough so their knees touched now. He reached over to take V’s injured hand gently, held it between his palms. V looked away again.

“Talk to me,” he said, “What else did she say? What happened?”

V took a deep, shaky breath.

“I gotta do her a favor,” he said, “Well… it’s more or less a necessity, otherwise she probably can’t help me.”

“A favor?”

That could mean many things, but given V’s line of work, Kerry had an idea.

“She wants to see a man dead,” V confirmed it, “And he’s got some blueprints for a tech that might be able to save me. Might, maybe. If I even manage to get to him which is…”

He just stopped and shook his head, shifted in his seat, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Is it ‘cause normally you don’t take hit-jobs?” Kerry wondered out loud and V laughed weakly.

“Y’know, in this case, I might’ve considered it. Even if my life didn’t depend on it, I mean,” he said and lowered his right hand, placing it on Kerry’s’ in his lap.

“Guy’s a corpo shitbag – and not the kind I might’ve been able to relate to at some point. The type that stabs friends in their back for personal gain,” he said, “Problem is… he fucked out of Night City, off all of planet Earth four months ago.”

“He wha- …” Kerry started, but V’s sad, exhausted eyes answered his question before he’d fully asked it, “Not the fucking Crystal Palace?”

V shrugged… then he nodded.

“You’re jokin’…”

“When Fuentes told me his name, I thought I’d heard it somewhere before, and she said, no, can’t be,” V said, “But yes, I had… I’d read it on the list of people’s data I was supposed to steal for Blue-Eyes. He’s got a luxury apartment up there.”

“What the fuck…”

Kerry had no other words to describe what he was feeling.

“It’s like all paths always circle back to Blue-Eyes,” V said, looking across the city again, “He poisons me with his tech, sends me on a suicide mission to space to steal data about his own business partners, holding the key to some fucked up new way of eternal life most likely…”

“Wait, what was that about business partners?” Kerry interjected.

“Ah yeah, right,” V laughed wearily, “Missed that part… Fuentes showed me a vid of that guy she wants dead, meeting up with Blue-Eyes. She thinks he sold him some top-notch secret tech – the same tech I’m supposed to kill him for in his space-mansion.”

So, this was what it felt like to drown in a flood of information.

“Fuckin’ hell, V, I…” he mumbled, “Dunno what to say.”

“’s okay,” V said quietly, thumb circling Kerry’s knuckles, “I dunno what to say to this mess anymore either.”

He let his head fall back against the headrest of the chair, still looking across the city. Finally, Kerry followed his gaze. The sleek, clean apartment-blocks with dainty rooftop gardens of Charter Hill next to Japantown’s bustling high-tech, neon-clad skyscrapers. The city center with the towers at Corpo Plaza looming in the distance, stark in contrast against the pale sky, dozens of little AVs zooming between them all like flies around a rotting corpse.

“Either,” V said eventually, “I find a way into space, again, and this time with the added difficulty of Mr. B not noticing anything about it – good luck, with his ties to Orbital Air… I somehow manage to get a hold of the corpo guy, klep his data, make it back here in one piece… And hope that Fuentes is able to do anything with it at all...”

“Or you omit all of that and go back to Blue-Eyes right away…” Kerry guessed what V was about to say next. V didn’t look at him, just nodded.

“I’m surprised he didn’t call yet, to pester me about coming back, reconsider his generous offer,” he spat out. Then he looked back at Kerry, eyes glittering in the sunlight.

“Which is why I think…” he said, hoarsely, “Is it even gonna be worth it?”

“Vince…”

“No, really, if we’re both completely honest to ourselves… Is it really worth it?” V said, and Kerry reached up to cradle his face, scooched closer first, then finally just got up to sit down on the same chair as V, at his side properly, putting his arms around him to hold him, trying to soothe him somehow as he started shaking.

“I could just stock up on all the meds Vik can get his hands on,” he continued quietly against Kerry’s shoulder, “And you take me to the Philippines, and I’ll see how long I’ll last. No Blue-Eyes, no more games, no more tech or chips or whatnot trying to kill me faster than my own body is.”

Kerry held him even closer.

“It’s just gonna be us, and I’ll just slowly fade away, on my own terms,” V shuddered, as did Kerry.

“’s that what you want?” Kerry almost didn’t dare to ask, choking up. At the same time V’s voice, his pain was so raw, so visceral in this moment, it was impossible to come up with a counterargument. There was nothing Kerry could say against wanting to die on your own terms when all the terms attached to living were incompatible with who you were as a person.

The wind took up speed, stirred up some dust, howled around them for a moment, as if to sympathize with a situation that was truly only to scream about. Then V leaned into Kerry’s embrace finally.

“No,” he said quietly, “I wanna live. I wanna grow old with you but… All paths there seem impossible to survive.”

Kerry moved away just far enough to see V’s face again, and it always broke his heart to see him crying, as he didn’t often, especially not in public. Just tears quietly streaming down his face, no sniffling, or shudders – even now he so desperately tried to keep himself under control.

Kerry was surprised he wasn’t crying yet, even though he sure as hell felt like it. Maybe he was still too spent from the night before. He wished for nothing more right now than a peaceful future where neither of them had to cry and suffer anymore. On the other hand, though, seeing V emotional like this, was confirmation enough for him that he was still so full of life, not consumed by the apathy with no dreams or wishes or perspective for a future.

He reached up to gently brush away V’s tears, then he kissed his forehead. Hand still on his cheek he looked him in the eyes.

“I want that more than anything,” he said, “And hell, we’ll make it possible somehow.”

V closed his eyes and leaned forward, resting his head against Kerry’s chest. Kerry folded his arms around V’s shoulders and held him like this, his chin on his head, looking into the distance and trying to come up with a solution to a seemingly impossible problem.

For a couple of minutes, they just sat like this, squeezed onto the chair like they’d been squeezed onto the sofa the night before, holding each other close. Kerry let his thoughts wander as he watched the ever-changing slideshow of huge ads displayed across the skyscrapers ahead. A lot of them near the studio were obviously MSM-themed, new album releases, teasers for tour dates, collabs… he was there too, along with the UsCracks girls. “Off the Leash” was still at the top of the charts, four months in a row soon. Kerry’s career really had lifted off out of nowhere again, all thanks to V… and suddenly he realized he might be able to return the favor.

“I mean…” he slowly started, “Lee’s been dying to get me a gig at the Crystal Palace. And he still owes us both big-time for the shit with the pills.”

V said nothing at first, then he moved to see Kerry’s face, squinting and nose scrunched up as if he was trying to determine if he was joking or not.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Kerry said, “I mean it.”

“You mean, I’m s’pposed to just… tag along with you to your gig and while you’re on stage go off to murder that guy? And no one’s gonna bat an eye?”

“No,” Kerry said, “You’re gonna do it before my show. Don’t want you to miss the opportunity to see me live.”

Kerry was aiming to bring V’s smile back with a little teasing, but it sadly didn’t work.

“Kerry, this is serious,” he said with the deepest frown, “I can’t just… the security up there is insane. What am I gonna do, hide in your luggage and you smuggle me in?”

“No, you gonk,” Kerry said and poked V’s chest, “You’re gonna come officially. As my partner, as ya fuckin’ should be allowed to. Hell, if you’re so keen on keeping a low profile, come as part of my security team and personal bodyguard. But I’d much rather finally tell the medias the truth before they pull even more stupid lies and rumors outta their asses.”

V wasn’t convinced.

“If something goes wrong,” he said, eyes dark and serious, “How’s that gonna look like to the medias? ‘Kerry Eurodyne secretly involved in international murder plot’. Your career’s gonna be over.”

“Ah, wouldn’t bet on it,” Kerry shrugged it off, although obviously, the thought had crossed his mind. He just didn’t want to give into V’s worries, convinced that, with all they knew, they might as well be rooted in Blue-Eyes messing with his brain. He’d said himself that he didn’t feel like himself anymore sometimes, that whenever Mr. B called, his sense of self-preservation was switched off. He’d launched himself into space for that fucker, gone on a suicide-mission, V’s own words just minutes ago. But now, when this gig was something clearly going against what the blue-eyed bastard would want, V suddenly had never-ending doubts and hesitated, feared for consequences that previously hadn’t crossed his mind.

“Sometimes a tragic scandal can really spur on a career even more.”

“Kerry, this isn’t funny,” V said, growing annoyed, and Kerry gently stroked his cheek.

“Sorry,” he said, “Yeah, it’s not. None of this is.”

He took a moment to choose his next words carefully.

“No pressure, okay? Just sayin’… there’s always a way. And I’ll gladly be your vehicle to that damned space station, however you want it to go down in the end. If it means one less hurdle on the way to a cure. On the way to get the chance to grow old together.”

Finally, V’s expression softened a bit again.

“You think I should go for it?” he asked.

“You don’t need my permission, Vince,” Kerry chuckled softly, thumb against V’s chin, tracing the fine black tattoo reminiscent of wings decorating it, “I just know, if someone could pull it off, it’s you. Never met anyone as strong-willed, not even fucking Johnny Silverhand. So, no… Not gonna take you to the Philippines… unless it’s to celebrate the end of my successful world tour and you being free of any pain and other symptoms for at least a year.”

V sighed but smiled.

“Honestly, just tempted to say yes because I wanna see you try and convince Lee of this being a good plan.”

“Ha!” Kerry laughed, “Way ahead of ya. Gonna beat the fucker in his own game by making him believe he gets everything he wants when in fact he’s just a means to an end.”

V raised his eyebrows.

“Wow, look at you scheming like a professional… I’m impressed.”

“Learned from one of the best,” Kerry said with a wink, and now V finally smiled and let himself be guided into a brief kiss, both of them still side-by-side on the lounge chair on the top of the MSM studio roof. Kerry had almost forgotten that he was here to work, actually.

“Fuck… how long we been here now? Don’t wanna go back down,” he sighed, now the one to cling to V the same way he had clung to him this morning. V held him, caressed his head, hand coming to a halt at Kerry’s shoulders to massage him gently.

“Didn’t go well today?” he asked.

“No, it did, actually,” he admitted, “But still.”

“Want me to come down with ya?”

Kerry laughed quietly.

“Almost thought you’d say, ‘want me to go down on ya’, and I wouldn’t say no to that either.”

V snorted and pushed him back playfully.

“You’re so stupid,” he snickered.

“Hm-mh. But I’m your stupid.”

V shook his head and smiled, gave Kerry another quick kiss, then slowly detangled himself from their embrace.

“C’mon,” he said holding out his hand, and together they went back down to the recording booth.

V kept his promise of being all Kerry’s for the remainder of the day. Even though, obviously, while Kerry was in the booth again for final revisions, V was on his phone a lot, planning the upcoming days for sure. When they left the studio together much later, the sun beginning to set, one big looming goal was finally crossed off Kerry’s personal to do list though: Shivers was finished.

“So proud of you,” V whispered as he kissed Kerry in the elevator taking them down to the parking garage. Kerry grabbed on to his waist and held him close. He half hoped for an encore of their latest elevator and parking garage escapades, but V withdrew again when the doors opened with a soft “ding” at the very bottom. V seemed to have the same thought though.

“Not yet,” he just whispered against Kerry’s neck, riling him up even more. Kerry grumbled but then put his arm around V and walked him to his car.

“How are you feeling now that it’s finished?” V asked as they were already on the road back to Watson, “And what’s gonna come next? Never been through the whole album release pipeline before.”

Kerry honestly wasn’t quite sure how he felt. Even though he would’ve preferred to finalize another song first over Shivers, he’d had been working on this forever, the first notes and lyrics coming to him at one of his lowest points the previous year. Long before he even knew V existed. And yet, their so far brief but even more so intense time together had tremendously shaped this final version of the song. Kerry tapped the steering wheel a couple of times, the bass line still on his mind, as he joined the evening rush hour traffic against his better judgement.

“Pumped, for sure. Relieved a bit, maybe…” he said, and threw a quick glance over at V, and their eyes met. V nodded and smiled gently. He got it, he got him. Without having to explain it any further, not asking any questions that only would’ve planted further doubts into his mind. Kerry’s heart made a little leap.

“The studio bosses usually throw a big party or somethin’ for this occasion?” V then asked and Kerry chuckled.

“Can bet your ass on that,” he said, “To stroke their own dicks in front of everyone, mostly. Prolly on Friday or Saturday, if nothing else is up already. And next week, well, the usual interviews and stuff… And there’s already plans for a music video!”

He bit his lip and looked at V briefly.

“If I get a say, it’s gonna be a bit different, too.”

“Oh, in how far?” V seemed genuinely intrigued.

“I’m picturing something simple, black and white,” Kerry explained his vision, “You know, raw, bare to the bone. Some sick closeups, playin’ with light and darkness. Lifting the fog and shadow of what was and revealing the new me. An opener for the whole album in multiple ways.”

V listened attentively.

“Sounds damn preem,” he then said, his injured hand coming down on Kerry’s thigh a little awkwardly, “Rootin’ for ya that you’ll get to do all that you wanna do with it. Also damn, always here for sick closeups.”

Kerry reached down to hold V’s hand as best as he managed.

“Even though you get sick closeups of me all day, whenever you want?”

“Can never get enough of you. And I love seein’ you on the big screens in the city, knowing that even though you’re everywhere out there, for the whole world to see, you’re also only mine. And I’m one of the few people that get to see the real you every day.”

Kerry tried to squeeze V’s hand, but the cast stopped him once more.

“Fuck… can’t wait for that thing to come off, finally,” he muttered, and V chuckled.

“Appointment’s all set for that, this Friday.”

“Thank fuck…”

V laughed, but then his tone grew more serious again.

“On that matter… we might not see much of each other this week.”

Kerry’s heart, after being so light and at ease, sank like a rock now. The cityscape raced past them, a rainbow of bright neon lights all around as the sun began to set in the west behind them.

“Got pretty much all tests and stuff scheduled now, I’ll probably spend more time at the Med Center than at home this week. Not looking forward to it.”

“Fuck…”

“Mh-hm. And… I’ll look into that Crystal Palace guy, too. Rogue knows, Nix’ is onto his ass already, a few of the others, too.”

Their conversation earlier about the gig had trailed off, they hadn’t quite reached a conclusion yet.

“Good… we’re going through with it then?” Kerry asked, trying to downplay his tension as best as he could. He was sure they could make it work, somehow, but of course he also worried about the undoubtedly high stakes. But Blue-Eyes was off the table, and dying on the Philippines, too. Time was running out.

“We’ll have to be so fucking careful. Plan this thoroughly from start to finish,” V said sternly, then turned back to Kerry, “And I can’t do this without you. Not just the getting to and back from the Crystal Palace. We need to have a solid plan of action for while we’re there, too. So, if you got any doubts...”

“No doubts,” Kerry said before he even had the chance to second-guess himself, “I gotcha. Whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it.”

V took a deep breath, nodded, closed his eyes.

“Alright. Okay, good,” he said, “I’ll ask in some favors here and there. And I’ll gladly help you with Lee, if he’s being difficult about this in some way.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll handle that fucker alright,” Kerry promised, his anger about his manager still far from subsided, “But also… how do you wanna go about it now?”

“What exactly?”

Kerry’s heart began to race again.

“Like… you wanna come as my bodyguard or… a little more officially?”

Dreaded silence, my old friend.

Kerry gripped the steering wheel tightly as they took the exit to Watson, neon lights fading behind them now. How officially known they wanted their relationship to be, had always been one of, if not the touchiest subject between them. Whether or not they made it public now or not didn’t really matter all that much, in the grand scheme of things. But Kerry realized that it mattered a lot to him right now. V’s decision wouldn’t impact their relationship in any way, Kerry would continue to love him regardless. But he’d be lying if he didn’t have a clear preference that so far had been clearly different from V’s. Additionally, V being so closed off the last few weeks didn’t help keeping the nagging voice in the back of Kerry’s mind as quiet as he would prefer it to be.

“I think…” V said slowly, “We’ve been over this too often already. So, not gonna repeat my points.”

Kerry swallowed, his shoulders tensing up again.

“Alright,” he pressed through gritted teeth, trying his best to keep his tone neutral, not have his disappointment show.

“But…” V added after a short pause, “You also made good points…”

Kerry looked over at him quickly. V stared off into the distance, but quite deliberately was Kerry’s impression. His hand was still resting on his leg, he hadn’t withdrawn, as he so often did when it came to this topic. Kerry didn’t want to turn away again, but he had to keep his eyes on the road. One car accident per month was enough.

“Ah, I dunno,” V said quietly then, “Do it however you wanna. Whatever you think works best.”

Kerry needed a moment to let his words sink in.

“You’re leaving it up to me?” he made sure.

“Yeah,” V nodded and turned back to look at him. Not far ahead their building came into sight.

“I trust you. I love you. I’m scared, but also… sometimes you gotta risk something to win something, right?”

“Damn right,” Kerry nodded, smiled and took V’s hand again, “Thanks, V.”

V chuckled.

“What for?”

“Everythin’. Trustin’ me. Believin’ me. And in me. Love ya.”

“Love ya, too.”

*****************

>> Next Chapter

*****************

Notes:

Oouuuhhhh this one has also been in the works for a while and man, that opening scene with Kerry's nightmare has been on my "wanna write" list forever, so happy I can finally share it!!

Also yes, some of you guessed it already, we're gonna go to the Crystal Palace soon - again xD If CDPR don't release a Crystal Palace DLC in the style of Mass Effect's Citadel DLC I gotta write it myself smh, sorry, can't help it! XD

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[macontheweb]

Hey Mac! Spotify recently threw a song by the National my way, which made me listen to a few more and man, this is good.

I know you like them too so I thought I'd come by and ask what your personal faves by them are 👀🙏

Hey Alex! Ooh I love that you're enjoying them so far. Thank you for giving me the space to talk your ear off about one of my favourite bands!! I feel like every time I go down the rabbit hole with The National I discover a few more faves, but I'll try to keep this manageable for a tumblr post lol.

I Need My Girl

The National's lead singer Matt Berninger called it "the most direct, earnest love songs we’ve ever written." It's so simple - a song about a man yearning for his wife - but it gets me every time. I know you love a moment of slow, sweet melancholy, so I think you'll like it too.

Mistaken For Strangers

This one reminds me of the friend who introduced me to The National. When he got drunk he would always point to his own jacket during the "showered and blue-blazered" line. In a song about losing friends, what a thing to remember one of the great friendships of my life while listening to it. </3

Day I Die

Speaking of that friend, I went to my first National gig with him. At the time, I didn't really know any other tracks apart from this one, Guilty Party and I Need My Girl, but I'd latched onto this song because it made me Feel Things about a situationship I'd been in a couple of years earlier. When they launched into this live, it was so electric. "Don't do this / I don't do this to you" still makes me want to scream.

Bloodbuzz Ohio

I'm a great lover of The National's lyrics. There might come a point where you're listening to them and you have to stop what you're doing because a line hits you in a place you never thought you'd be hit at like...three pm on a Wednesday. For me, one of those lyrics is from Bloodbuzz Ohio: ""I still owe money to the money to the money I owe / I never thought about love when I thought about home." Maybe my second favourite song they've ever written.

Slow Show

A song for the socially anxious - it's about being out somewhere and just wishing you were home with a person you loved and could feel truly comfortable with. Also, I have been known to make this song about my blorbos at every available opportunity.

Apartment Story

As much of a sweet little love song as The National has ever turned in, and a love letter to happy domesticity. Has a very 'us against the world' vibe.

Graceless

Hands down my favourite song. Its exploration of depression and meds is still unrivalled by anyone imho. I spent the worst parts of the COVID lockdowns blasting this in my living room, and when they performed it at my local gig, I cried buckets.

(Very) honourable mentions:

Guilty Party

England

This Is The Last Time

Afraid of Everyone

Brainy

Don't Swallow the Cap

About Today

Terrible Love

Phew, okay! I'm sure that's way more than you were asking for. Enjoy anyway, my friend ❤️