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theladyofshalott1989 · 3 months ago

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Mum’s the Word 🤫

(Modern AU Sebastian Sallow x MC One-shot)

Summary: Twenty-four hours after his long-term relationship goes up in smoke—just in time for his thirtieth birthday—Sebastian reluctantly tags along with his twin sister to a mysterious locale to, allegedly, secure himself a new love interest. Shenanigans ensue.

Or: How many pop culture references can one writer cram into a story? (Spoiler: far more than she’s willing to admit, even to herself.)

Word Count: 4420

[ AO3 Link ]

Author's Note: Alexa, play "Fireball" by Pitbull. 🙃🙃🙃 (Oh, and happy early birthday to the Sebastian and Anne in my head canon💚)

“No wallowing in misery on our birthday,” Anne said, her voice crackling through his mobile. Service had always been spotty in Sebastian’s flat. Tonight was no exception.

Anne rang mere minutes ago, rudely interrupting Sebastian’s horror film marathon. He currently had the telly paused on the best celebrity Chris—Hemsworth, obviously—riding his dirt bike into an invisible wall, moments before plummeting to his death. Sebastian was quite chuffed with himself that he managed to pause on such a perfect scene, although he always felt a slight pang of disappointment in recalling that this would be the last moment of the film in which Hemsworth graced the screen.

But back to Anne.

He sighed. “You’re not the one who was broken up with the day before your birthday.”

Elizabeth and Sebastian had been together for five blessed years. Blessed in a physical sense. Perhaps not so much, uh, emotionally. Elizabeth apparently agreed and had been quite vocal yesterday about how much of her life he had wasted. No mention of his life being wasted too. Typical of her, really. She’d even stormed out of his life, quite literally slamming the door shut behind her, leaving all of her belongings behind in the process.

To be fair, Elizabeth didn’t have a lot of items at his flat; Sebastian didn’t appreciate clutter and she’d been rather materialistic. It wasn’t like they had lived together either. God forbid. That would have been a nightmare, for Elizabeth had a fondness for bobbleheads. There was a whole wall of them at her flat in Soho. At least five shelves worth! Sebastian avoided that wall like the plague, averting his gaze whenever he was forced to walk past, which was quite often, since that wall, unfortunately, led to her bedroom. The bobbleheads’ beady little eyes would nod at him menacingly, as if they didn’t approve of his cavorting with their Elizabeth. Well, they must be happy now. No more Sebastian.

Come to think of it, Elizabeth had always been annoyed that he teased her about her ridiculous collection. Shelves were meant for books, not horrifying knick-knacks! That was probably one of the many reasons why she broke up with him, if not the main reason, as ridiculous as that sounded. Not that he’d ever ask. Not that she’d ever talk to him again. That bridge was effectively burned forever.

“I never understood why you were with her for so long anyway,” Anne continued. Sebastian could hear shuffling on the other end of the line. She was likely decluttering as she chatted with him. Multi-tasking was something Anne did a lot. It was something they had in common.

Sebastian managed to refrain from saying aloud, “She was a good shag,” and instead just grunted noncommittally, popping a handful of popcorn in his mouth and chewing vigorously.

“Come on, Seb. Humor me? I really want to go out and do something.”

“Go out for a bite with Ominis then!”

“He’s held up at work. Something about an important deadline.” Sebastian could hear Anne’s pout through his mobile. Anne and Ominis were married last summer in a lovely—albeit a bit saccharine for Sebastian’s taste—ceremony on the beach in Brighton. They’d been together for ages. Sebastian didn’t know how Anne managed. As much as he loved his oldest friend, Ominis could be a bit of a buzzkill. He was an accountant, after all.

“Tough luck,” Sebastian said in reply, knowing that Anne would not be amused.

He waited for Anne to give up, even though it was probably in vain. Anne possessed a stubborn streak that rivaled his own. Meanwhile, he unpaused the film, keeping the sound muted. He had it memorized anyway. He gave Hemsworth one last long, lingering look of appreciation, and then he was diving down to his demise.

“What if I had an idea?” Anne asked, a mischievous lilt in her tone. Sebastian’s shoulders lifted, a spark of attention flickering in his gaze as he shifted forward, the worn cushions protesting softly beneath him. Anne certainly knew how to pique Sebastian’s interest. It was probably a twin thing.

“What sort of idea?” he asked, reaching for the clicker and pausing the film once more.

“Well, there’s someone I think you’d very much like to meet. And now that you’re single…”

“Oh?” Sebastian interrupted, raising an unruly eyebrow. “Please tell me she’s tall, blond, and athletic.”

Anne laughed. “That’s for me to know and you to find out.”

Of course. “Right,” Sebastian said. “And where, pray tell, will she be on Halloween? A party, I presume?”

“Not exactly.”

Sebastian squinted at the telly, then glanced down at himself—his rumpled shirt, a stain on his joggers, crumbs scattered across his lap. He looked so unkempt, almost pitiful. When had he become so pathetic?

Get a hold of yourself, Sebastian! You’re thirty now. Go out and do something fun, the older and wiser version of himself shouted above his lizard brain.

Sebastian brushed the crumbs off his shirt. Might as well give Anne’s plan a shot. “Fine. Where to?”

The address Anne texted him was a gym, of all places. Good thing she’d told him to wear casual clothing.

In typical fashion, Sebastian was early, so he leaned against the wall near the entrance, waiting for his twin sister to arrive, attempting to ooze suave energy on the off-chance that the young woman Anne wanted to introduce him to was here, or arriving soon.

But why a gym? And on their birthday? And why would this woman Anne wanted him to meet— whoever she bloody was—be at the gym on Halloween? Unless Anne had taken his request for someone athletic rather literally. A man could hope.

Sebastian admitted to himself he was intrigued. He scrolled on his iPhone absentmindedly as he surreptitiously inspected the room.

The gym was more crowded than he expected, but he didn’t observe any young women around his age. Not yet, at least. A group of rather matronly, older women stood off to the side of the room near a door that appeared to lead to a fitness studio. They were chattering away like a gaggle of geese, their heads bobbing back and forth, much like his ex-girlfriend’s bobbleheads. Damn them! Damn those bloody bobbleheads! Why couldn’t he get them out of his head? They were a downright nuisance.

“Happy birthday, Seb!” Anne to the rescue, thank the universe. She pulled him into a short but sweet embrace.

“Right back at ya, sis,” he replied as he fumbled about with his mobile, stuffing it in the pocket of his hoodie.

“Good, you’re in joggers,” Anne said, nodding approvingly. “You listened.” She smiled and winked.

“I do that sometimes.” He paused. “Now, where’s this cheeky minx you wanted to introduce me to?”

Anne, also in joggers, although hers were one half of a forest-green set—Anne could be a fashion icon when she put in the effort—rolled her eyes. “No wonder Elizabeth broke up with you,” she said.

Sebastian mock-gasped, plunging an invisible dagger into his heart. “Et tu, Brute!”

“Oh, spare me, Caesar.” She pulled her own mobile out of her purse, glanced at it briefly, then nodded as she peered over Sebastian’s shoulder. “Good, we’re right on time. The class should be starting soon.”

Sebastian groaned. “A class? You brought me to one of your exercise classes?”

Anne had been taking exercise classes for years, ever since she beat breast cancer. When Sebastian asked her why—it wasn’t like she needed them, the wisp of a woman that she was—she explained it away as something she enjoyed doing, as she’d never had the stamina when she was ill. Sebastian understood to a certain extent, but he also didn’t appreciate being part of her devious scheme, whatever it entailed.

Speaking of that…

“Are you trying to tell me something?” he asked, glancing down at his very slight paunch. Sebastian enjoyed a good pint or two at the local pub every other night or so, as most of his colleagues at the university did. It was often the highlight of his day. Who knew that being an English professor could be so tiresome?

“Never!” she said through a chuckle. “I promise I didn’t lie. There is someone I want to introduce you to. But a class or two would probably do you some good,” she added as she walked forward, grasping his hand and pulling him along.

“Okay, where is she?” Sebastian asked, shaking his hand forcefully to release himself from her surprisingly firm grip. He didn’t need his potential new girlfriend to see him holding hands with his sister, of all things.

But Anne didn’t reply as she’d been accosted by the throng of matriarchs at the entrance to the fitness studio.

Wait.

No.

“Anne…” Sebastian began.

“Oh, Anne! We’ve missed you! Where have you been?” The old ladies bowled over each other, pulling Anne into hug after endless hug.

“And who is this?” a woman with bottle-red hair inquired, reaching out for Sebastian. She smelled like she’d been rolling around in a bathtub full of potpourri. He flinched and backed away.

“This is my twin brother, Sebastian,” Anne said. “It’s our birthday today!” Sebastian grimaced, his cheeks growing hot.

“Happy birthday,” another woman with a shock of white hair said to his left, patting his shoulder. At least she smelled normal. Sebastian ducked to the side regardless. Why were these women so affectionate? He was a literal stranger to them! For crying out loud!

The doors opened, saving him from being forced to verbally acknowledge the women. They all shuffled through, Anne leading the pack. Sebastian dawdled behind, his tattered old trainers squeaking on the shiny wood floor.

“Anne,” he said, as he slunk behind her—to the very front row. Dammit, this was dire.

“Yes?” She didn’t look him in the eye. She was too busy stretching. Apparently.

“What class is this?” Sebastian asked hesitantly.

She opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted by a booming baritone. “Welcome, everyone, to Zumba! It looks like we have a new face tonight.” Oh no…

Sebastian snapped his head toward the sound of the man’s voice, only to instantly freeze in place.

Standing before him was the most beautiful man Sebastian had ever laid eyes on.

Wait, that couldn’t be right.

Sebastian shook his head.

The man was simply very aesthetically pleasing, that was all. His eyes were a captivating shade of golden-brown, his hair blond, long and wavy, pulled back in a low bun, and his smile… His smile was dazzling, white and radiant, catching the fluorescent light above his head like a flash of brilliance. He even noticed that the man had a dimple on the right side of his cheek, but not his left. But most importantly, while he wasn’t slim, he was fit. Very, very fit. Chris Hemsworth’s perfectly chiseled body briefly flitted across Sebastian’s mind. He shook his head—bloody again —to disperse it. What was wrong with him today?

Sebastian blinked back to attention.

“I’m Damien, your instructor,” the man said, addressing the whole group, but Sebastian could swear his eyes lingered on Sebastian for a bit longer than everyone else. “Is everyone ready to dance?”

No, Sebastian was not, in fact, ready to dance. Sebastian Sallow didn’t dance.

The instructor—Damien—adjusted his headset, then fiddled with a clicker he fished out of his pocket. The music began.

God, were they really going to warm up to Pitbull? Sebastian shuddered. He was in deep, deep trouble. What had Anne been thinking?

Well, this was complete and utter shite. No surprises there.

“If you’re having trouble following along, start with the feet!” Damien exclaimed, his eyes firmly fixed on Sebastian. “You don’t have to do the arms.”

Sebastian struggled to keep his composure, but it was rather difficult under the circumstances; his brain was fried and he was already sweating bullets. Why was it so hot in this damned room? Where were the bloody fans? And, he suddenly realized he left his Nalgene on the Tube. When this class was over he was going to murder Anne.

To make matters worse, they were only ten minutes in! And where was this young lady that Anne wanted to introduce him to? It would be just Sebastian’s luck that she decided not to come tonight and his birthday would be a total loss. What bollocks!

In his mental grumbling, Sebastian lost his bearings entirely. He stumbled right in the middle of his grapevine like a baby giraffe learning to walk and crashed into the woman to his right—Mrs. Potpourri-Explosion, with her blazing red hair and a figure that could only be described as 'huggably plump.'

She yelped but recovered quickly, following it up with a polite, “It’s alright, dearie,” not once losing her rhythm.

How were these little old ladies so graceful? It was beyond comprehension.

The song—Sebastian vaguely recognized it as merengue—soon ended. Damien, ever attentive, sprinted over to Sebastian. Sebastian braced himself.

“You’re doing great!” Damien called out, flashing a grin. Sebastian desperately wanted to respond, but he found himself speechless, completely overwhelmed by the sudden crisp scent of fresh grass. And was that a hint of mint? Good lord, Damien smelled positively divine.

Clearing his throat, Sebastian glanced down at his trainers. “Thanks, mate,” he mumbled, but Damien was already off, dashing back to the front of the class.

Anne snickered to Sebastian’s left, but he was too distracted to verbally acknowledge her. The music had begun again, this time Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” A classic for Halloween.

Did the instructors choose the songs? Sebastian hoped not. Most of the music thus far had been, frankly, uninspired. But, to be fair, he didn’t think the women in the room would appreciate his taste in music. They’d more than likely complain that it was far too loud and bassy. Anne had never particularly been a fan of Kasabian, The Libertines, or even Arctic Monkeys for that matter. Her loss.

Oh no, they had moved on to salsa. No. Absolutely not.

Sebastian mimed a drinking gesture to Anne, insinuating that he was stepping out of the room for some water. She nodded as she executed what Damien called a ‘right turn’ without missing a beat. Sebastian felt a wave of relief at his decision to escape the room, even if only briefly.

Sebastian thought he had fled alone, but as he made his way to the drinking fountain, taking a quick sip of water, he was gobsmacked to find Mrs. Potpourri looming behind him. He stumbled to the side.

“Is this your first time attending a Zumba class?” she asked, leaning down to fill her water bottle. It was bright red, almost as vibrant as her hair.

Sebastian nodded hesitantly. “That obvious, huh?”

She smiled. “You really are doing great,” she said, repeating what Damien had said earlier in the class. “I’m Mrs. Evans, by the way. But you can call me Mary.”

Evans. Sebastian’s least favorite celebrity Chris. Of course. He somehow managed to hold back a chuckle as he drawled, “You’re far too kind.” “I do try,” she said, her eyes sparkling. Was Sebastian imagining it or did the corner of her lips tilt up ever so slightly? Was she… flirting with him?

No, absolutely not!

Sebastian pivoted sharply and hurried back into the fitness studio. Anne finished an impressively complex turn, then shot him a triumphant grin. “Back already?” she teased, a shit-eating smirk on her face.

“You’re a menace,” Sebastian muttered.

“I know I am," she shot back, "but what does that make you?”

“A fool, obviously,” Sebastian said through a sigh. “Why I ever thought I could trust you…"

Anne had the audacity to shush him! The cheek of it!

And then they were back to dancing to a Pitbull song. What would Mr. Worldwide think of his music being such a hit among the geriatrics? He'd probably be less than thrilled, though the cash flow might help dull the sting a bit…

Mrs. Potpourri—erm, Evans, that is—piped in, scattering his distracted thoughts. “Oh, this song’s my favorite,” she said, very loudly, as if she wanted everyone to hear. “Thank you, Damien!”

Damien tossed another one of his stunning smiles in their direction, his eyes snagging on Sebastian’s once more. Sebastian jerked backward, swallowing nervously, then promptly choked on his own saliva. He burst into a fit of coughing.

The next thing he knew Damien was beside him, thumping him on the back vigorously.

“Breathe, breathe,” he said calmly amid thump after embarrassing thump.

Sebastian attempted to get a word in edgewise but he was too busy literally choking. Bloody fucking hell.

“What’s his name?” he heard Damien ask Anne amidst his hacking. Anne stood beside him looking as if she might burst into laughter at any second. Yes, Sebastian was definitely going to murder her after class. That was decided.

“Sebastian,” she answered.

“Sebastian,” Damien practically crooned. His voice was rich, as if it were dripping with honey. “Sebastian, take a breath.”

Sebastian did as he was told. He took another.

“Good, good.”

Once again, his nose was swept up in a sharp tide of grass and mint. He could almost picture himself at a football match on Christmas Day. God, why did Damien smell so good?

“I’m alright,” Sebastian finally managed to eke out. His whole body felt like he had just been thrown into a blazing fire. He knew his freckled cheeks had utterly betrayed him.

Damien looked away, perhaps embarrassed for him. Or maybe to stifle a laugh. Sebastian hadn’t the foggiest idea.

“We only have a song or two left before cool-down,” Damien said. “You can sit them out if you’d like and wait for your… sister?” he finished as a question. Anne nodded at him in affirmation as Sebastian shook his head vehemently. He was doing that a lot today.

“No, I can do it,” he stated firmly. Damien narrowed his eyes. Sebastian noted it seemed to be more of an inquisitive stare than a challenge though. “I can do it,” he repeated, probably lamely, but whatever. There was no possible way he was going to give up now. Sebastian didn’t care if he passed out cold on the floor from asphyxiation. He was going to prove to this man—his two left feet be damned—that he could finish his class. That he could keep up with his minuscule sister, with these elderly women.

His determination gave him pause though. Why did he even care? Surely Damien wouldn’t give him a second thought after this class was over. Sebastian wouldn’t be back. Sebastian wouldn’t think about Damien ever again either… right? Dammit, he was lying to himself if he thought that statement was true.

For there was something about Damien.

Something in the graceful way he demonstrated the moves for the class, the deep rumble of his voice as he called out affirmations, and then, of course, there was his addictive scent.

Damien chose that very moment to release his hair from his low bun. Sebastian couldn’t look away. Cascades of golden blond hair shimmered in the harsh fluorescent lighting, bouncing coquettishly against the top of Damien’s shoulders as he finished a move. Sebastian released a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding.

Oh my god.

Oh my god, was he bisexual? Had thirty years of his life passed him by and he’d never even realized?

Surely not. Surely not! No… Damien was just very feminine. Right?

Sebastian would know if he were into men by thirty years old, wouldn’t he?

And then it hit him. Chris Hemsworth. Why did he go to the cinema five times to view The Cabin in the Woods in the first place? Chris Motherfucking Hemsworth. It wasn’t like the man was a BAFTA Award-winning actor. He was merely a sight for sore eyes. He was eye candy. Man candy.

God dammit! Sebastian was very, very bisexual. And he was having this revelation during the middle of a Zumba class, beside his sister, sandwiched between at least a dozen middle-aged women, on his thirtieth birthday. Bugger it all.

He gulped as the final song ended. He couldn’t stay for the cool-down. He needed to get out of this room. Now. Right now. He grabbed Anne by the shoulder and practically carried her out of the fitness studio as she shouted out in protest. Sebastian averted his gaze but managed to catch Damien’s eyes widening before he whipped around and exited the room, irascible twin sister in tow.

Once the door clicked shut behind them, and ensuring they were out of earshot of the gym rats, Sebastian set Anne back down on solid ground.

“What are you doing?” Anne hissed, her eyes blazing.

Why was she angry? It was Sebastian who should be angry! Which he was. Extremely!

“Why didn’t you say something?” he demanded, crossing his arms across his chest.

Anne glowered back at him. “What are you prattling on about?”

“The instructor! Damien!”

“What of him?”

Sebastian glared. “You know what I’m talking about.”

“Out with it, then. I want to hear you say it.”

It took Sebastian far too long to realize he was tapping his foot on the floor furiously. “You were going to introduce me to him!”

“By Jove, he’s got it!”

Sebastian released an exasperated sigh. “How did you even know I’d be interested in a man?”

Anne paused. She tilted her head at him curiously. Then, to Sebastian’s complete shock and annoyance, she started to laugh. Why was she laughing? Dammit!

“You didn’t know you were bi?” she said through a guffaw. Sebastian merely stared back at her, his cheeks growing hot. Again. Her face slackened. Her expression shifted to complete astonishment. “You didn’t know,” she repeated, this time more seriously. “I figured you knew. I mean, I am, so why wouldn’t you be?”

“What?” Sebastian stammered.

“Oh come off it, Sebastian. Don’t play coy—you knew I liked women too.”

“I most certainly did not!”

“Really? Even back when Ominis and I were on a break at school?”

Sebastian shook his head. “Oh. Well, erm…Poppy and I…” “I don’t want to know!” He clapped his hands to his ears. “Stop right there!”

“I’m stopping, I’m stopping!”

She raised an eyebrow. “Ominis is bi, too, you know.”

“Excuse me?”

“Why do you think he hates Hobhouse so much?”

Absolutely not. Sebastian took a step back. “Now I know you’re messing with me,” he tried, hoping he was correct.

She burst into laughter. “Okay, okay. You got me there. But he did tell me he kissed Garreth once.”

“No!”

“Yes.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Swear down!”

Sebastian brought a hand to his forehead and began to rub at it vigorously. “At this rate, I’m questioning everything—myself included.”

“Someone has to.”

He gave her a good shove. “Rude,” she complained, but Sebastian noted her tone was light and airy. “Well, what are you waiting for?”

Now it was Anne’s turn to cross her arms and tap her foot impatiently.

“What do you mean?” he asked, frowning.

She nodded toward the fitness studio door, which was now open. The crowd of middle-aged women were already streaming out. Well, it appeared class had (finally) ended. So why wasn’t Sebastian relieved?

“Go on, then—go get him, tiger!” Anne laughed, giving him a firm push.

Sebastian gulped. How exactly did one approach a man? He guessed he was about to find out.

He had barely stepped through the door when Damien practically materialized before him. Sebastian’s heart nearly leapt out of his chest.

“Thanks for coming today!” Damien said, grinning. “It was nice to see a male face in my class for once.” He was speaking so quickly that Sebastian could hardly keep up—and he completely missed the last bit. But Damien was now looking at him expectantly. Shit.

“Uh…what?” Sebastian said, rather dumbly.

Damien chuckled, toying with a loose strand of his long blond hair. “I asked if you’d come again,” he repeated, his eyes glinting with amusement.

“Hm?” Sebastian’s attention had drifted, far too entranced by the way Damien’s long, slender fingers teased through his hair. Sebastian wanted to be the one doing that.

Oh god, Damien had asked a question. Shit! Shit, shit, shit.

He snapped back to reality to find Damien smiling, eyebrows raised. “Will you be coming to my class again?”

“Oh.” Sebastian hesitated, unsure of what to say. He didn’t want to lie, but he also didn’t want to let Damien down.

Perhaps sensing his indecision, Damien filled the silence. “No pressure. I was just curious.”

“To be honest…I don’t think I’m cut out for Zumba.”

Damien’s smile faltered very slightly. It seemed as if he was trying to keep his expression as neutral as possible. “Fair enough,” he replied. “Well, thanks for coming, then.” He gave a polite nod and started to turn away.

“Wait!” Sebastian blurted out. He was bungling this entirely. Why was he like this?

Damien turned back around and searched Sebastian’s face.

“I… erm…could I maybe have your number?” he heard himself ask, barely believing it.

Damien’s eyebrows shot up, but then a carefree grin spread across his handsome face. All of Sebastian’s thoughts emptied at once as warmth flooded through him from head to toe—and then some. Most notably, a steady pool of it settled low in his belly, just above his waistband. He shifted his stance, trying to ignore the uncomfortable pressure as he waited, pulse thrumming, for Damien’s reply.

“I thought you’d never ask,” Damien said, pulling his mobile out of his pocket.

And just like that, Sebastian Sallow was stepping into new territory: showing interest in a man. On his thirtieth birthday, no less. Truly, the universe had a sense of humor. Did wonders never cease?

Sebastian sauntered out of the fitness studio, feeling rather chuffed with himself. He spotted Mrs. Evans by the door, likely lingering to thank Damien for the class—she struck him as the exceptionally polite type.

“He’s all yours now,” Sebastian said with a casual nod. Mrs. Evans just smiled back, an odd twinkle in her eye that almost looked… mischievous.

She raised a hand in farewell, then called out, “Ready to go, Damien?”

Huh? Did Damien know this woman outside of class?

Damien whipped off his headset and began gathering his things. “Coming, Mum!”

…Oh. Oh. Well. That explained that, then. Damien Evans. It figured.

#hogwarts legacy #sebastian sallow x mc #sebastian sallow x oc #hogwarts legacy mc #hogwarts legacy sebastian #hogwarts legacy oneshot #hogwarts legacy art #hogwarts legacy fanfic #hogwarts legacy fanfiction #hogwarts legacy modern au #anne sallow #hogwarts legacy anne sallow #crack fic #kinda?#I'd like to thank my Zumba class of the past three years for sparking the idea for this fic #they are the true MVPs #not that any of them are on Tumblr LMAO #OH GOD I HOPE THEY'RE NOT

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