#trauma sideblog

[kiss-my-rotten-head]

about

nineteen (19), she/her, infp-t, bpd

this is a vent account! i am not endorsing any negative behaviors I exhibit- for safety, DO NOT ROMANTICISE.

tws in tags but please review the tags on this posts before proceeding.

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!!DO NOT INTERACT!!

racists, ableists, pro ed, pedo, all queerphobics (including homo, trans, bi, etc.)

!!BLOG TW!!

sui talk, angry/impulsive vents, violent thoughts, love pining

asks open / feel free to dm, i am very lonely

[carnage-cathedral]

sending people mean comments when they're in obvious mental turmoil just to get a reactive and extreme response out of them for your amusement is manipulative and abusive, by the way. if you're keeping an eye on someone and waiting until they're at their weakest to send them some shitty low blow because you like to see them react, you're an abusive person and you should really sit and think about that

[hyperblue]

there is just something so hot about the thought of antonio parading around with a habsburg ring around his neck after him and roderich are back together. like i just imagine some of the faces and. yes.

[dravidious]

You're more amazing than an impostor

Ah, I had a feeling that might've been the case! The timing was off! Anyway here's a totally normal code snippet for the thingy I just finished

[viperwhispered]

So, as much as I love a dom Jamil, I do also love the idea of him calling me you mistress/master in bed.

Whether he'd be actually willing to do that is another matter, though.

So, I'm curious. Assuming an established relationship where they're comfortable exploring kinks together,

And to clarify: I'm not asking if he'd try it once, but rather if it's something he'd have be a part of their repertoire with his s/o, so to speak.

[littlest-bugz]

I was going to go 'man, I'll have to make a system side blog :(' until WRONG! Every blog is a system blog for me.

[scatterpatter]

The trauma holder + fictive + age regressor experience...

[golarion]

maybe it’s my own sexual trauma talking but astarion and arueshalae both scratch the itch in the back of my head. like they both make me feel a certain type of way

[tiercel]

I know it stopped being "trendy" a bit ago but i think ai for sure has killed liminal spaces/dreamcore/whatever you call it for good

[rainbowtvz]

short pinned. my blog is best viewed on desktop and the lyrics in my description are supposed to be links but here 🐁

abt

stamps n blinkiez (flashing warning) (wip)

linkz (wip)

dni > typical dni criteria. i block if uncomfy but you will not enjoy i or my blog content if you're the following: radinclus/radqueers/transid/pro-para (dogwhistle), truscum/transandrophobia truthers/trans community infighters, comship/proship/consang/fujos/etc., syscourser, "q slur" taggers*, antialterhuman, cglre/ddlg/abdl/sexualized age regression, nonsystem littles, irl yanderes/noncriticals, bad media enjoyers (omori, fnf, hp, hetalia, HH/HB, etc.)

*pls just tag it as "q word" or not at all

DO NOT SCREENSHOT OR REPOST TY

short f/o list:

sal fisher, castiel, john wick, eddie munson, johnny silverhand, yagi toshinori, absynthe marau (girlfriend's oc) (ok /w sharing everyone except sal)

sal fisher tag: #loml johnny silverhand tag: #impressive cock castiel tag: #angel with a shotgun irl gf tag: #junecore/#me and junecore irl bf tag: #chrona tag

crush f/o's:

mettaton, kaeya, beidou

ask me to tag things for you! worst i can do is say no. (ex: i am not tagging the word queer)

psst: adult mutuals i have a n.s.ft f/o blog. dm for link

[shirogane-oushirou]

i love you, clean sideblog menu 🥺🥺🥺💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

[transtetia]

the struggle of wanting to ramble about [current hyperfixation] vs the impeding embarrassment one feels afterwards

[dandyshucks-moving]

had such a panic when I saw a mutual from my main (other) account in the notes here but then remembered that I rbed a post of mine from here to that blog fjfkdl

[lokiinmediasideblog]

Randomly remembered that my very Catholic mom is an extreme Loki anti (my dad is more chill about media consumption and he said "Loki es chistoso" once). The Thor movie was on TV on Canal 5. And when Loki showed up with the horned helmet, my mom yelled at the fucking TV. I guess because horns=Devil.

And I feel like it makes me relate to Loki a lot because she would always compare me to Lucifer for not fitting an idealized image she had of myself, aka, "the best version of myself".

[antigonewinchester]

15x17

…Another surprisingly good ep! Or at least an ep that got me caught up in my feelings again. It's dramatic & well-paced & emotionally so crunchy: Amara seeing the good & love in the world while all Chuck sees are his ‘failures’ and loss of control; Jack’s desire to save the world paired with his tendency towards self-destruction, and if it means saving the world, it’s worth paying his life; Dean ignoring his doubts to sacrifice Jack because he doesn’t see another way; Cas & Sam struggling to find something else and finally succeeding only to find Dean almost completely lost to his anger & fear; and Sam pulling Dean back from the brink (Jared’s poignant delivery on “Would you sacrifice me?” augh) and the contrast against Chuck’s manipulative promise of peace to Amara.

Call me Chuck-coded ‘cause even tho I can’t fit the emotional aspects in the context of the whole show, they do fit with Dabb era's characterization and I can’t help but enjoy, at least a little bit, my fav characters put thru a physiological ringer designed to play directly to their worst fears and make them go bonkers :))

SAM: Oh, Chuck's "Death Book," right? Come on, man! Blindly following orders?! Lying to Amara, sending her to her death? Does any of this feel right to you?! DEAN: It doesn't matter how we feel! You know what? Stay. Stay. But somebody's gotta be the grownup here. SAM: Yeah, well, someone has to keep fighting for Jack. DEAN: He knows what he signed up for! SAM: Last I checked, we don't give up on family. DEAN: Jack's not family. I know how you feel about the kid, okay. I care for him, too. I do. But he's not like you. He's not like Cas. He's just not.

I’d seen a ton about Dean saying Jack wasn’t family, and it's both delightfully horrible and also doesn't play like I thought it would. Because 1) Dean doesn’t care for Jack as deeply he does for Sam & Cas (and idk if he ever could), and 2) Dean does care abt Jack on some level, so denying Jack as family, denying he cares for him, makes it bearable for Jack to die. Hasn’t Chuck been toying with him, torturing him & Sam (and Mary, John, and so on) their entire lives? How else can they stop Chuck and get revenge? And otherwise, isn’t Chuck going to destroy the world? Against all that, can one life really be worth it? And in the end, Dean does find his yes—he might be willing to destroy his parallels in Amara and Jack, but not his counterpart in Sam.

CHUCK: Sam and Dean, they're using Jack to destroy us. AMARA: No, but... but Dean can't hurt me. CHUCK: No, but he can lie to you. He could send you into the meat grinder with a wink and a smile.

As I'd infamously heard thru the fandom grapevine, the ending scene between Sam & Dean and Chuck & Amara is directly referencing 5x04. Basically all of the fandom discussion I've seen as taken a Watsonian approach to it, even if just implicitly, while to my mind there's a definite Doylist meta to be written about how Sam & Dean are framed in 5x04 as in 15x17 and how the writers got the show from point a to point b.

[hootsifer-darling]

Gonna get personal for a sec, I've been in a car for 7< hours and the mind does wander. I'm just thinking about how, for the one summer I stayed with him after turning 18, my dad was pathologically incapable of just letting me exist and do my own thing. Every decision I made was questioned and commentated on, down to going outside for my nightly before bed walk. "Really, are you sure you need to do that? Why? oookayy I guess." I was put through the wringer just asking for the house security codes so alarms wouldn't start screaming if I so much as walked down the stairs (there were door alarms and movement sensors on the first floor, and later cameras were installed literally everywhere, it was insane. Not outside btw, inside, explicity for monitoring US). I had to ask for those codes btw, they weren't offered up as being part of the household; he wanted us caged and monitored, and anything I ever asked for was treated as some huge imposition.

Then there was the time I sprained my ankle at an open gym and wanted to call out of work and he treated that like the most insane propostion ever. 'No you can't call out of work?? Your ankle is fine don't be ridiculous.' And after I called out boy did he lay on the passive aggression. 'You really shouldn't have done that, your bosses will be so let down, etc.' Anyway I limped up and down the stairs to get all my food for several days. Every day he was like 'ankle still bother you huh,' so incredulous like I was faking it out of laziness.

Oh and then there was the whole thing where I was forced to conform to their 5/6 am wakeup schedule, which I fucking did for over a month. I would zombie walk downstairs, have some cereal, and then camp on the couch and watch TV with headphones on my computer, present and unobtrusive. I found a way to do something my body and brain was wired not to and even found some joy in the routine. But even that wasn't enough, eventually the demands started that I lose the TV and "participate" with the family, despite the fact that they were basically all doing the same thing. God forbid I did something he wanted on my own terms.

So anyway that was around the halfway point of the summer and although I couldn't put my finger on what it was I started to notice I was being forced to do an awful lot of stuff I didn't want to and was actively impeding my enjoyment of day to day life. So I started sleeping in, letting my body do its thing. I was forcibly awakened a few times by various means, the most sinister of which was turning "wake Adam up" into a game for the 7 and 3 year olds for about a week before he finally accepted defeat on that particular battle. Maybe I started locking my door idk.

Anyway things got progressively worse over the next month as I started planting my feet on various things I felt didn't make sense, and as it turns out questioning a narcassist's authority is a fast-track to getting kicked out for being disrespectful lol. Not gonna go into that whole day but after that I finally decided that being there made me feel bad and I should probably leave. I didn't even start unpacking the events of that summer for two years. I had to quit the job I'd been at for about 3 months which was a very embarassing and stressful thing to do for the first job I'd ever had, but I said my "home situation wasn't working" and the managers all understood and one even told me very earnestly "go be happy Adam" which remains one of the most profoundly kind things anyone has ever said to me.

My dad's favorite thing to say ever since moving to Florida was always "well you can always come live with us" (a fucked up thing to say to the pre teens you abandoned), but when I finally gave it a try boy did he make sure it was so miserable that it only lasted 4 months and none of us ever tried it again.

But to end this on a more positive note I'm really proud of myself for deciding to leave even though in the moment I wasn't sure why I was so unhappy, I just knew that I was and that I could leave, so I did, and I think that was pretty huge of me. And also pretty metal to pin my resignation on him: "sorry I have to quit, I tried living with my dad and it's just not working." Considering he made me cry on the way to my interview for said job I think it was only fair.