#BOO! MENTAL ILLNESS!! type shit | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

doberbutts · 2 years ago

Note

I think it's also wild the way people assume the stealth experience is roses and butterflies. I went stealth+DL about being gay for about 2 years at work in order to be able to work in a trade where people generally skew extremely homophobic/transphobic/misogynistic. I had been on T long enough to pass reliably so I thought, ok, cool, this is where my life as a Normal Guy kicks in, this is where I get to flex the old Male Privilege and work in an industry culture that is toxic to everyone but cishet men.

and I mean yeah, materially? I did okay in my profession, I was good at what I did. People were pretty chill to me because my only major flaw to them was being the New Kid, a problem that eased with time. I did have a female coworker who I learned dealt with some hazing that I didn't. I will say, in that particular situation, I had some privilege over her since my sexist coworkers never said anything to me the way they said shit to her.

but here's the thing - I still heard all of it. The gross misogynistic things they were saying were not meant to be about me, but they sure as hell were anyway.

but oh, boo hoo, I had to hear remarks, but you know, I didn't face any actual barriers or opposition right? yeah, okay, I guess not, and I'm not saying it would have been better to be out in this scenario, or to be a woman, but there's a reason I ended up leaving that field. walking into work and feeling like - no, knowing - you have to lie to all your coworkers and your boss every single day or else they'll hate you and treat you like shit is not a great feeling. you never have a truly good day when that is always at the back of your mind no matter what. you never develop genuine friendships or connections at work if they're all built on lies.

I ended up getting so burned out. it was a good job, a union job, and I was making a good income. I had a path upwards to make *great* income if I had stuck with it long-term. but I ended up leaving it for a non-union job at a younger company, with a more "hip" HR culture that seemed like maybe I would be in a better place emotionally. I took a pay cut to do that too. but a lot of my new coworkers had the same attitudes as my old ones - the first week I was there, one of the other employees went around the shop asking each person, "if Kylie Jenner was trans, as in, used to be a man, would you still fuck her?" and most people, including the fucking foreman, said "fuck no." I ended up saying something like "it makes no difference to me, sure, fine, she's not my type anyway" (having to not reveal I was trans and also not reveal that I prefer men), and right in that moment I realized this wouldn't be a place I could be open either, and it would feel the same as the old place.

so the burnout for that job came much quicker. I quit after only a couple of months. I did actually end up telling the HR manager why, given that this company actually had one, but she was the only person at the job who ever knew I was trans (since she saw it on my background check anyway).

so yeah like, being stealth at work? it's not a privilege. it's a defense mechanism, and it feels like shit. you feel every transphobic and misogynistic barb even if it's not meant for you. one could argue that I would have never even been able to get those jobs if I were out, and yeah, maybe, that's possible, but I had female coworkers at both places. And yeah, one could also argue that, in terms of pay, I was likely doing better than my female coworkers. And you might be right about that if I hadn't gotten burnt out and quit before having a chance to build up any kind of seniority. But instead I took pay cut after pay cut until I finally decided to put my life in full reverse and go back to college - where I had struggled severely due to mental illness, and still do - since trades were clearly not the place for me.

I'm just really sick of people who have never actually lived what it's like to have that "male privilege" of being a stealth trans man deciding it's just the great, most ideal way you can exist as a trans person. I'm sure there are some stealth trans men who were able to adapt to that environment that I wasn't. but at what fucking cost?

I have a friend who worked a military job training the bomb dogs. He is 100% stealth to the point where even people who know, who have seen him naked and even had sex with him, often forget that he's transgender and why he has that barrier of access to some things if he wants to remain stealth.

The type of shit that people would just. Say to him. And he was always having to balance saying something or keeping quiet so as not to draw too much attention to his status as transgender. He was provided room and board by his job and thus lived with 5-6 similarly aged cis men in the same house and the amount of dodging them and biting his tongue he had to do to just to survive... And the job wouldn't be chill if they found out, the talk he'd heard made it very clear that he was at all times operating with a noose around his neck ready to tighten at the very first infraction.

Anyway that's what passing privilege is. Is your life somewhat better because you pass well enough that no one questions you? I mean I guess technically. But what happens in the mean time to your mental health? Having to hide large aspects of yourself and constantly worrying and looking over your shoulder to make sure no one is looking too hard at your hips or your hands or your chest. My friend is post-op. He's "done", so to speak, outside of taking testosterone. And yet this was still something he had to keep in mind.

He ended up leaving that job due to some Stupid Workplace Bullshit unrelated to his gender status but he told me that honestly it was also a huge sigh of relief. The money he got was great but it was corroding his soul to stay. He ended up taking a pay cut and working elsewhere that he is still stealth but no longer feels like he's got an axe to his neck in every interaction.

90 notes · View notes

mikasaerens · 5 months ago

Note

"Oh boo hoo the colonizer I like HAS to be queen of a continent she has no actual ties to that was permanently scarred by her family's regime instead of giving its sovereignity back to the people who actuallylive there and have for thousands of years" shut up you sound so annoying

Dany has NO right to Westeros. Miss me with that mhysa white savior shit too the Targs are a bunch of master-race-coded slavers who literally created the propblem she's failing to solve. (When people beg to be slaves again rather than live under your rule you are failing. Also she literally took a cut from slavery, refused to punish people who raped and forcibly impregnated bedslaves, and kinda entered into this bullshit with no fucking plan as a mentally disturbed teenager- it is not normal to burn a slave alive for rebelling, practice human sacrifice to get your vile fucking 'children', celebrate when you find out thousands of people are dying on another continent, or obsess over some stupid fucking prophecy that has already gotten two women killed- so she has no business leading anyone).

Also I don't ever wanna hear shit about Palestine from you since you clearly think mass murder and horrific abuses of power are fine if it's your favorite ultrablonde nazi-looking 'fire and blood' fascist #girlboss with three flying nukes and nothing but entitlement doing it

This is perhaps the most deranged ask I’ve ever gotten. And I’ve gotten a lot of deranged ones from you sick Zionists that drag Palestinians into “fandom drama”

This is a FICTIONAL book… calm the fuck down. No one has been killed, there is no slavery or slaves, or human sacrifices… it is NOT real. Remind yourself of that because you sound severely mentally ill. It’s concerning tbh, I’m worried about you.

To address the bs you typed in your post-

Daenerys is not colonizer, nor is she a white savior. She doesn’t fit any of that. Her ancestor, Aegon the Conqueror is a conqueror not even someone I consider colonizer since colonization in real life is NOTHING like what happened in the books. I actually come from a REAL LIFE colonized country and have family members who were alive before independence so to hear you call Aegon and Dany colonizers clearly tells me you know NOTHING about colonization.

Calling Targaryens “master race coded slavers”… whatever breakdown you are experiencing is something you need serious help for.

Targaryens haven’t owned slaves since before Aegon the Conqueror’s day nor have they ever since. In fact it is a Targaryen right now ending slavery. No one else but a Targaryen.

Daenerys made some mistakes in her rule and ending slavery isn’t supposed to be perfect. It’s better than your dumbass faves who sit around eating lemon cakes. Daenerys is a character who actually is involved with high stakes situations where there are opportunities to mess up. Your lemon cake loser fav never does/involved in anything important so she will never make those same “immoral mistakes”.

Daenerys had every right to kill the person who murdered her child. The fact that you argue against this is sick. You must also hate Sansa for killing Ramsay. Or Jon for killing the people who killed him, or Sandor for killing his brother or Cersei for killing her abuser husband, or Olenna for killing Joffrey etc.

The last thing about Palestinians- babe don’t lie. We know you’re a Zionist. In fact I know the account that sent this and I will expose your ugly ass if you ever come into my inbox again.

Calling Daenerys a Nazi fascist because she dared end slavery (even if it was imperfect) wow.. you’re right she should’ve taken her large army, her three dragons and left slavery intact lest she end it “imperfectly”

You are so delusional, with not one functioning brain cell.

Face it, Daenerys is THE hero of the story. She has dragons, brought magic back to the story, is a QUEEN, is strong, intelligent and has actual purpose in the story and is the daughter of the most interesting/important house in ASOIAF. She is not a villain and asoiaf is not for you if you hate her so much.

Go read another story since you have tragically misinterpreted this one.

And yes, Daenerys does have rights to Westeros. Her family created the Iron Throne, her family created that castle and King’s Landing. They have ruled for hundreds of years. And no idc if she actually ends up on the throne, that will be Bran. But Daenerys is and will always be the better ruler and queen.

Oh and I’m NEVER going to stop talking about Palestine

#ask #daenerys targaryen #asoiaf #deranged dumb bastard #you think I don’t know who you are??? I do

7 notes · View notes

theuniverseawakens347 · 2 months ago

Text

Leading w your disability-

Shake we met Csun you asked me to a business breakfast ( I set CLEAR BOUNDARIES ALWAYS - Ian left me hanging for a modeling deal to fuck on Sydney and Kimora Jay when he was suppose to be my protection from going to a dinner alone w someone who wanted to sign me - Lee rapist VIVICCA scout agency*)

We met at a cafe near that airport lax in n out .. forgot the streets … but who noticing Darniece in my memory loss 🙂🖕

- we talking A PHOTOSHOOT for BACKPACKS .. who said this was Daniel for bucket hats NOPE DREAM URBAN CAME AFTER THIS AND YRS LATE MOOD CAPS .. so who’s editing that bullshit IAN AS JUSTIN OF LONDON DANIEL AS NOAH WRITE OFF .. golden track star ya all slept w and look like me two - signed “her twin” sister ocean side HI TRACK KWEEN!!!🖕🙂

Anyways .. just CHEYENE a pick me to keep her man “I support cashay” but she an organic shawty tryna have a 3 some for some healing - HE BOO GOBLIN MISSING.

.. but we talking and you ask me what’s my type shake I SAID NOT YOU. You said it was you I said no nigga I like tall muscles dark ( cause I was on Ian at the time) but you bald nigga and short.

And you said “I’m yo type trust” and I said absolutely the fuck not trust.

And then we do the shoot and now you randomly popping up on yo own texting me to hang and I’m not taking it no hard way cause you not pressing me to fuck and Marcus a good photographer krystin and the Asian ford dodge girls for my back pack and bathing suit shoot .. weird why you being 3 months late w photos you ain’t even edit - back end pimping Beyoncé naomi..

Tryna give India love INDYA Marie’s modeling material to look at. - sad. VIVICCA WHITSETT

But there was one night you came over shake after we hung at Marcus house or over in that area you dropped something off at a girls house and you telling me how you get pussy and I’m just like “okay niggas tell me shit cause I’m the homie” I’m not minding it .. but we on my porch and you got the audacity to tell me

“It’s okay if you like me even with my disability “

WHAT IN THE FUCK MAKE YOU THINK I LIKE YOU MORE THAN FRIENDS .. let me tell you .. MARCUS WHY YOU ON THE BACK EMD FAKING PROFILES OF ME OR GIRLS WHO LOOK LIKE ME TO TALK TO SHAKE .. sexting. And sending MY FUCKING NUDES FROM JUSTIN AND CHRISTOPHER WHITE .. Cameron Walker I never sent you photos .. BUT PRESTON I DID TO YOU OVER EMAIL .. so how this nigga get em ..

But also a question to you shake and anyone who fell into this bull shit if you talking to someone posing as me and know me in real life and the messages not adding up to my actions .. WHY YOU THINK YOU TALKING TO ME ON THE BACK END.. - MENTAL ILLNESS OF ATTENTION SEEKING .. bc what’s gravitating YOU to do that and not speak face to face in clear to me.

- IM ALWAYS DOWN TO TALK EVEN WHEN ITS STUPID UNCOMFORTABLE.. - the friend Yal missed out on FOR GOOD AND MISUSED ME CAUSE SOMEONE TELLING YOU “she not normal do as you please with her” .. and using Tristan face qnd fitkingg name.

- GROSS YOU SICK BITCHES. CLARITY TOO

0 notes

thefakersystem · 1 year ago

Note

I have time to waste on you so I will… Do you just like to shit on trauma survivors? Cause if you do that’s so funny and clearly you believe that rape victims deserve to be raped and if anyone was wearing a “short enough skirt” you would obviously rape them because clearly they are asking for it. Just like how you asked for this type of attention cause clearly your loving every second of it. I hope you have a good day and one day you too become traumatized and develop npd and realize that you “asked” for it ❤️ also If 72 million biological fathers are in the world and there are 2.2 billion moms in the world and you're calling them a narcissist but narcissists only make up 5% of the entire population then 72000000002.2 people would have NPD and that is not accurate. So no, your boss, ex boyfriend, mom, and dad, can’t all have the same personality disorder. People with BPD (borderline personality disorder) are not “crazy”, “dangerous”, or “yandere”. People with personality disorders are people, they are not monsters or abusers, they are human beings who were traumatized and abused. If you're going to start an argument, at least do accurate research. I don’t see not one person with depression, maybe I need glasses or maybe because a mental illness is something you can’t see hence the mental part in mental illness. Imagine having to live in a world where people have to do deep research about different mental illnesses because talking to a doctor or a psychiatrist is 1) expensive 2) scary. Oh wait, you don’t have to imagine, you live in that world. Most people have to self diagnose which to most people is also a terrible thing to do but having hpd is also a terrible thing. So maybe i don’t know respond to me politely and maybe someone in your life might show you some respect you don’t know what anyone else is going through and you don’t get to decide what they deserve. It’s their trauma not yours you don’t get to decide if it’s valid or not. You’re also not a doctor (I can tell) so how do you really know of DID is real and how do you know that narcissists are inherently abusive. The thing is that you don’t and once again you’re not a doctor. And clearly your just jealous that you don’t get to be cool and freaky like the rest of us trauma survivors.

(I’ll give you a little kissy kiss to make that Boo-boo I just gave you feel a little better) I know it’s hard being an asshole 🥺😢

Im blocking you btw I just wanted to let you know

I didn’t read any of this lmao

0 notes

tonesplash · 3 years ago

Text

twilight boys encountering a 'pick me'

a/n: just felt like writing something fun w these three today. edwards is the longest because i like him. reqs are open :))

warnings: both edward and emmetts get a lil dark, seth has the only sane response, cursing and fem!reader

edward cullen

he has no choice but to know everyone in a 5-mile radius, so as soon as he lays eyes on them in his head, he's already like 'this fucking guy😒'

genuinely perplexed how they thought this was going to go

Edward is a curious man. Humans are weird creatures. So the first time they approach he is going to at least give them the benefit of the doubt.

As soon as they even spoke ill of you—

*Heavy sigh*

"Come on." And then throws his arm over your shoulders and walks away like a fucking diva, as many times as it takes.

if they are a little harder to get rid of

his first instinct is to protect, if he senses you can't take it or remove you from the situation if you are the type to throw hands lol

doesn't really matter who they are

"Edward, that was my lab partner, you dick."

"Yeah? They were about to tell me all about how you used to eat dirt and then ask out for coffee later. Do you want to turn around?"

if they don't take the hint, then boo hoo, they can face the consequences of messing with the guy willing to die for his s/o

Edward gets mildly psychological. he never touches a hair on their head, but his methods are a little... long-lasting

he won't tell you either, you'll just be curious and ask after your usually persistent annoyance

you asked how they were doing one night over the phone, and they'd shakily confessed to you that lately, just when they start to think they're alone, in tight rooms and smaller spaces, the lights will cut off, doors slamming shut and locking tight for sometimes hours until someone finds them. They ask if they can speak to Edward. He hits the end call button.

they don't answer your texts anymore :/

that, and the hostile stares across the lot, usually gets the job done

but if it's someone you absolutely have to be around, or you explicitly make it clear you want this person in your life for whatever reason,

he can muster the niceties, but that doesn't stop him from pressuring you to get rid of them, even if you think you aren't personally affected, hearing negative things flung around about you is mentally taxing to anyone going on for long enough, and he doesn't think forcing a fake friendship for any reason is healthy

if the reason you give him is something materialistic—say you are using them for their pool

he will pave it in your backyard like those guys on youtube using bamboo and mud if it means you listen to him

if they cross the line again he is absolutely that guy to stop the conversation with "and what do you mean by that?" "What is that supposed to mean."

until they respond, completely killing the vibe 🙄

emmett cullen

you already know what it is

anything this man thinks is coming out of his mouth right away

they try to be subtle, making little digs at you here and there, and smoothing it over with some personal anecdote no one asked for or acknowledges. Give him a second. Emmett is a little slow to catch things like this.

Maybe they take it too far, or if you complain about it at all–

*80+ years of American public school activated*

"The hell did you just say?"

and if they try to apologize, backtrack with some well-meaning bs to get on his good side?

absolutely DISGUSTING, begone thot

"People wouldn't hate you so much if you weren't so weird all the time" 🥴

Emmett isn't out to blow anyone cover or anything, but what are the Volturi going to care about a couple of American highschool write-ups

unrelated, but now I'm imagining one of the Cullens(probably still Emmett) having a prison arc because they keep beating high school children's asses until they are sentenced and then breaking out years later. it becomes a local legend and his mugshot is memed for years

he gets mean, but if they wanted him to stop, they wouldn't shit talk his girlfriend right in front of his face

Emmett is a car guy. I'm sure he identifies strongly w transformers. his first thought is always gonna be the car.

he isn't above dinging doors and bumpers, keying something mildly threatening, perhaps rigging it up to his jeep and hauling it to the far side of the parking lot and ruining their transmission for the entire school to see, if he's feeling wild

If they don't have a car? He at least has the self-control for some mild intimidation.

walking a crowd is always a risk. You never know who is going where at what time, who could step on a lace, stick a leg out, snatch their collar like scruff and yank sharply until they fall on their ass

It's petty, girl.

seth clearwater

He picks up on their dislike of you pretty quickly and is kind of worried for you cause–

Are you not aware? That this one person really seems to dislike you? Why is no one else talking about this?

he wants to be nice to your friends, so he waits for your cue, desperately side-eyeing you for the entire conversation, waiting for you to shut their jealously down

they say something rude about the way girls like you take care of yourself and he is just beyond over it and blurts "Okay—What?!"

really pitchy and confused, and also blinking incredulously because what the hell is their problem

Seth is a pretty persistent guy, and he not going to just let someone slip an awkward insult at you and continue to talk to him like normal

he'll be nice at first when they immediately apologize to you and him profusely and everything is cool again

until five minutes later, when you mention being a little tired and they cut in to ask him how you can even keep up with him, greedily eyeing the smooth brown skin of his arms, exposed by his sleeveless shirt, not subtle at all in their admiration of the lean musculature

"What are yOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT⁉️" he explodes, controlled in his anger but soo frustrated at having to listen to this crap, and then the unwanted advances.

he figured it was part of it with the redirection of every subject back to them, but he can't even think about that because that came completely out of left field and he can't just gloss over it again to keep the pace, mamas 😩 yes he says mamas, his sister is a lesbian i think its funny

completely bitches them out, but it's just an itemized list of every horrible thing this person has shown about themselves in the short time he has been around them — and after he has said his peace, calmly leaves

you follow him,ofc

#sometimes u remember there is more to fanfic than making edward cullen give head #twilight imagine #edward cullen x reader #requests open #twilight imagines #reader insert #emmett cullen x reader #emmett cullen imagine #seth clearwater x reader #fluff #seth clearwater imagine #pick me culture #twilight headcanons #headcanons #breaking dawn #new moon #eclipse #the wolf pack #the cullens

637 notes · View notes

rat-girl-rambles · 2 years ago

Text

midnight retrospective

Its midnight on a Wednesday, thursday I guess, and I'm wide awake. I'm not the type to stay up late. I'm the flavor of mentally ill that enjoys sleep a little too much. I'm careful to always try to have my mornings now, to be up and at em and not "sleep away the day." I know how things begin to feel stuck if I let myself slip on the little things.

Anyways, I'm up and brainstorming ways to hate myself a little bit less. I'm not up because of the scary movie I saw earlier tonight with a couple friends, I didn't feel too spooked at all really. I was social tonight, I did well enough at work, I ate enough, I went through all the right motions and did all the right steps. To be honest, I've been swinging in and out of low level panic attacks for the last couple of days. I'm starting to understand why people don't stay friends with their exes. Find yourself people who love you, break their heart, and then stick around their lives to remind you what good people they are. I must be a fucking sadist.

Brainstorming ways not to hate myself - off to a great start. Let's start off easy, what did I like about today...

I got caught in the rain today. It was actually pretty annoying but something about getting drenched in the rain feels really nice and cathartic in the moment. It's only after, when you're stuck in those cold wet clothes that you remember it's not as fun as you thought. I guess I'm like that about a lot of things. I can be short-sighted and impulsive. I'd like to look out for my future self a little bit more. Sometimes I feel like no ones looking out for her. Sometimes I feel like it's only a matter of time before she's gone, really.

And time to bring myself back. I always do that. My panic comes on as one thought that floods the rest of me and says "sit here- sit here forever and think about what you've done." And then the rest of me says "no, ma'am, you can't stay here- move forward. Have the thought and for fucks sake just move forward." This back and forth is so painfully not metaphorical that I've come to the only logical conclusion-- I need to be medicated.

I have goals for myself - I want to get medicated and get therapy. I want to write more (boo-yah look at me writing, goddamn Jane Austen over here). I want to travel- plan a whole big international trip. It's a solo trip. So I can become self sufficient and like myself- I think it's a good plan. Honestly, it feels like the greatest scheme I've ever hatched when I'm feeling manic. I want to learn Adobe Illustrator and learn a new language and workout and all the other generic bullshit people want to do. It's not like I'm special. A mantra I set for myself back in high school - you are not the exception that proves the rule.

We're working on Q2 retrospectives at work. When we look back on campaigns and everything from Quarter 2 and see what worked and what didn't and how we could do shit better in Q3. I guess I should do that with myself. Working on yourself just seems so exhausting. And who's there to validate you on a job well done? Myself? Yeah, because that opinion means so much to me lmao.

That's what's not working I guess, the "negative self talk" like I imagine my (nonexistent) therapist would call it. Humor and anger are two great gateway drugs to never actually having to feel your feelings. Highly recommend.

I'll write here more. Maybe it does something? Placebo effect if nothing else. Well I'm bored of my own thoughts. Insert outro here.

3 notes · View notes

tomdiddlyumptious · 4 years ago

Note

Tom Holland x zendaya cousin reader where she’s an actress and model /activist she meets Tom on set and reader and z talk about people forcing them to be in competition with each other and people saying z is better because she’s lighter ( colorism) and reader thinks Tom likes white blondes but nope (spoiler ) z Tom and reader start hanging out besides being on set Tom and reader get close they go out to a party and reader and Tom hookup smut (like rough👀)

OOP-

Warnings: SMUT- It wasn’t soft ik that, zaddy kink just for a bit, speaking Spanish on accident because I know how to speak it, and uh crippled walking? Overstimulation, squirt and shit (DONT TAKE THE SHIT LITTERALLY) and language of course ✨

Summary: REEEEEEEEEE-

A/n: god my life is so tragic, and yes I love pink guy 🤺GET BACK🤺 GET BACK I SAY 🤺 this isn’t in bold or anything because I was working on this for toooo long honestly it was requested a while ago, sorry about that!

T.H| I Seen all your exes, I know what you like

You walked after zendaya into the set, your hair into a ponytail, edges laid, you recently got yourself a nose peircing (I just wanted to) you dressed in a large oversized white sweater and some black sweat pants, normal black air forces, you were tired because school was kicking your ass, like forereal.

“Hey Tom!” Zendaya smiled, walking faster to him and hugging him tightly. “Hey z” he smiles back, squeezing her a bit. “This is my uh, cousin, y/n” Zendaya smiled at you and you yawned again, covering your mouth but waving at him, which he gave a tight lipped smile and let out a “hey, how are you” “tired. Bored. Emotionally numb. Mixed feelings, over caked up-“ “haha, I think he gets it” Zendaya cut you off with a wide smile. “Are you playing in the movie?” Tom asked, raising an eyebrow. “I don’t think so” you shrugged. “She’s the real life MJ, don’t mind her, but we are gonna like go now, bye-Tom!” She pulled your arm until you found her trailer.

“What’s up with you!” Zendaya asked as she put her hands on her hips, watching you sit down on her bed. “I HATE SCHOOOOOOL” you complained, throwing your head on her bed as you tried not to cry. “You aren’t crying right now, y/n please don’t” Zendaya rolled her eyes.

“They expect me to know this shit! I barely even know what 2+2 is!” You lifted your head as tears left your eyes, crying. “Y/n, what’s 2+2?” She asked. “Fourrrr” you whined, still crying. “It’s social distance, like cheat or something!” Zendaya said as she mentally started to cackle watching your cry, you sucked your tears up in an instant, acting like you were perfectly fine and took out your laptop...only to cry again.

“I HATE SCHOOOOOOOOLLLL, WHY OUT OF EVERYONE I HAVE TO DO ITTTTTT!” you slapped the computer, zendaya couldn’t take it, she laughed at you. “AND YOUR LAUGHINGGG, IM IN AN EMOTIONAL CRISIS RIGHT KNOW” she started cackling, gasping for air as tears ran down your face. “BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” “ZENDAYAAAAAA-“ your voice cracked, coughing on your spit as she just kept laughing, she was on the floor now, holding her stomach.

As you let out a broken scream the door opened, revealing Tom worried, but his face turns confused. “Do I want to know?” He gently asked. “Get outttttt” you whined pointing at the door. Tom smiled and nodded his head, closing the door. You wiped your tears away, sniffling like a child as zendaya just watched, a grin plastered in her face. “Shut up zendaya- I’m hurt” you said petty, crossing your arms as she let out a ‘pffft’ and continued to laugh.

It was about 2 days later, you felt better with jacobs help, he can really do math.

You sat in the chair sighing as you looked at your phone. “Fucking Enews, I’m gonna kill them one day” zendaya groaned, plopping herself in the chair next to you. “What happened?” You asked, the only ones in the room, it was like a hangout spot or something, hard to explain use your imagination

“They like to put us against each other and it’s toxic” zendaya hands you the phone, showing you on tone left and her on the right and “zendaya vs y/n” you only cringe at it “they want people to vote?” You asked and she nodded, you voted for yourself and handed her back the phone. “Forget you” she rolled her eyes, “nope if anything I’m winning” you shrug laughing at her while she tries to snatch your phone.

“It’s only fair!” She said, grabbing your phone and somehow knowing your code, standing up and running with your phone “JUST DONT TYPE IN X!” You yell, chasing her. “Oh I’m typing in x” she whispered, now joining where everyone else was, it was to fast to tell who but you seen Tom, you ran past him and his screen showed a model, blond but you couldn’t see anything else. Your mind was racing as you went full on devil an crybaby running, once you chased her she threw herself on the couch, sighing and laying your phone on her stomach.

“Fuck you” you whispered and she laughed, you grabbed your phone and saw “you voted for me!” You gasped. “What! No I didn’t!” She said, immediately sitting up and raising her eyebrows at you, you showed her your phone, laughing in her face as you tried to do the dougie. “Oh so you wanna get competitive?” She asked, crossing her arms. “I mean I’m in the lead” you shrugged. “Whoever loses has to buy lunch!” Zendaya said, standing up and running past you back to where everyone else was, you followed her while she said “VOTE ZENDAYA!” you shouted your own name and told people to vote you and they didn’t understand until they all got a notification.

Everyone voted and you sat next to Tom, begging him to tell you who he chose. “No y/n I won’t tell you” he smiled. “Pleaseeee!” You clasped your hands together giving him the best puppy eyes you could, he glared at you and showed you his phone. “I give up” on the screen it showed “you haven’t even voted yet!” You said, about to tap your name until he pulled his phone back. “Nope”

The rally went on for hours, it went from zendaya to you, to you to zendaya, zendaya was in the lead by point two percent. “THOMAS VOTE!” Laura shouted. “Alright alright!” He said, he heasitantly tapped a name, he chose it on purpose of course and it was nice for him to be the last person to vote.

Everyone’s phoned dinged by Enews. “ILL TELL EVERYONE!” Samuel shouted, everyone sat in seats watched him, phones turned off. This was absolutely giant for you and zendaya, this was a playful competition so don’t worry about putting each other down.

“The person who won is.....” he added suspense on everyone, aching for the answer already. He sighed and cleared his throat, then swallowed.

....

.....

Almost there!

.......it’s

Oop-

“The winner is y/n!” Everyone who voted for you cheered while everyone who voted for zendaya booed. You and zendaya both laughed together, giving each other a hug. “You owe me pizza” she only shrugged and agreed. “Wait...who did Tom vote?” Jacob asked, everyone now eyeing him, his eyes went wide. “You’ll never know” he only said. “Tell us! The game is over!” “Tell us!” Was chanted as his face started to turn a bit red. “ALRIGHT! I VOTED-“

who did he vote? Idk

Oof

This is a long ass story

Not anywhere near finished yet so stick with me here

I LOVE YOU KRITI

“Y/N” everyone cheered and congratulated you, zendaya asking if you wanted to go get the pizza now, you agreed and asked anyone else if they wanted to go, Jacob and Tom said yeah and you all went, you ordered a noarmal pizza and bought zendaya one to, you really didn’t want to take her money, Tom scrolled through the comments of the Enews post and saw how many people actually didn’t like you which is absolute bullshit, comments about your skin and how you act, his blood was slightly boiling, it isn’t right because they don’t even know you, who gives them the right to talk shit about you?

As the days passed you and Thomas hung out a lot, went to dinner a couple times whiteout anyone else, then had lunch, went shopping, you guys just did a lot of shit together which was cute, you guys got matching socks, shirts, jeans, hair clips and hats, calling your selves idiots and thing number one and number two, you, Tom, daya, haz, and Harry went mountain climbing and that was the worst thing you’ve ever done in your life, you held toms hand so tight, wore a parachute just in case you see a bear and need to jump off, you were just all over the place.

“Do you wanna go to a party with me?” Tom asked in his dressing room, watching you eat your Cheerios with extra sugar as you raise a single eyebrow at him “depends “ you shrugged, setting down the bowl as you laid on his bed. “I think it’s like a house party, one of my friends asked to come, I don’t know” he shrugged and sat down at the end of the bed looking at you. “Then alright yeah, I have nothing else to do tonight” he smiles and lays down infront of you and you put your hand on his waist listening to his small breathes.

It was the day of the party and you weren’t so big on it. You dressed in some baggy jeans and a long sleeeve with a slicked back ponytail and some vans, your hair in a slicked in a ponytail and some long eyelashes with lip gloss, you said you’d meet him there because it took you hours If someone was waiting on you, strange but also very true.

You sighed and rolled your eyes with your hands on the steering wheels, trying to find a parking space but it was packed. “Why does this man have so many freinds? ISNT this only a house party?” You muttered, finally finding a parking spot, pretty close. Tom had called you and told you he was waiting at the door when you had just parked, he knew what your car looked like so when he found it he smiled and it made him slightly over excited.

“Hey babe” he smiled and you returned with “hey love” you both exchanged with tight hugs and he took your hand and pulled you in, the first thing that met your nose was sweat and achol. You silently cringed as Tom tried to contain his laughs, pulling you to the kitchen and to the counter, you could barely jump so he helped you up. “Hungry?” He asked. “Any waffles?!” You said and he chuckled, walking over to the fridge and opening the freezer as his smile got brighter, he took the package and threw it at you, which you catches and bit your lip.

The music boomed through the walls, he got you both a beer and ended up burning the waffles “Y/N!” “IM SORRY!” He quickly shut it, going over to the sink and opening the window, the breeze string so he sighed in relief and walked over to you giving you a strong high-five making you hiss “sorry!” He adorably said with made you smile at him, you both made your way upstairs, grabbing a couple beer bottles on the way.

“So” he said, looking at his bottle. “So?” You asked looking at him confused. “How’ve ya been?” He asked, achol in both of your systems as you shrugged. “Happy with you here” “that’s cute y/n” he laughed, setting down the bottle and looking at you. “So are you like not bored?” “We can like watch something?” “Like what?” “The backyardagains?” He looked at you confused, “a child’s show?” “Hey it’s more interesting then alone or whatever you like to watch” “why don’t we like watch porn hub or something?” “That’s wierder then what I said, but I mean..-“ “backyardagains it is” he put his lips in a tight manner, he tried to find the remote on the night stand but it was on your side, luckily there was on demand so you didn’t have to pay for anything.

you both watched the show, him smiling at laughing at you as you mocked the words. “You must had watched this a million times to know what their saying” he chuckled. “Hey don’t judge me, beer?” You asked grabbing one, when he said yeah you added another and handed it to him. You guys got closer, his hand on your waist while you head was on your chest, which shifted to his hand on your ass when you were all the way on top of him, platonically, but when you both looked at each other he pulled in and kissed you roughly, you batted your eyes at him and sat up, setting your beer aside as he did the same, he took his hand and put it on your neck, tugging you down to kiss him.

You slowly rocking your hips on his member feeling it grow as he let out distant groans, his hand stayed comfterbly on your neck, not squeezing to tight but just right. “Do you wanna?” He asked against your lips and you only nodded. “Say it” he said, rubbing his nose against yours. “I want to” “you want to what baby girl?” “I want to have sex with you” “you can be naughtier than that” he bit your bottom lip, pulling it back with him and letting it go, making eye contact with you.

“I want you to fuck me tommy” you kept your hips moving as he let out a hoarse chuckle “that’s my good girl” he squeezed your throat and you whimpered, he released your neck and made his way down your stomach to the button of your pants, his other hand made its way to your cheek, taking it slow and taking everything in as his small lips were against your plump ones, he undid your pants and they were looser then before, so he climbed down and found-

“Lace?” He whispered against your lips, “thong? Naughty girl” your stomach reeked with butterflies as a pool was comfterbly inbeteeen your legs, he pulled the material back and let it go your back arching as you let out a “shit”. You could feel his hard on against you as you were eager to take off your clothes and just give it all to him. He finally came to where you wanted him, he swirled your pearl before digging in your wetness and pumping it “Tommy” you whimpered, bucking your hips into his hand. “Tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you” he licked your bottom lip before having it enter your mouth, you basically fucked his hand as he lowered down, finding you sweet spot instantly which only instensed the pleasure. You put your head in his shoulder as you pulled down the rest of your pants, lifting each leg to get them off.

He took his hand out of you which made you whine but he shushed you and made you sit up, looking at the white thong and how it squeezed your skin, he lifted the long sleeve, up and over you head to find you not wearing a bra. “Fucking hell y/n, your so perfect” he smiled, taking a boob in his hand while you lifted your hips to work on his pants,he bucked his hips up slightly so you could pull them down, and it stood, you bit your lip and you looked down and seen the outline of his thick member, seeing a small spot of precum leaking through his underwear. “You gonna stare?” He chuckled, you let out a sorry and pulled down the boxers revealing his member, it sprung up to his lower stomach and you bit your lip, he was above average by like two inches but he was also so...large.

“It’s pretty Tommy” you complement which leaves him smiling. “I’ll be prettier once it’s in you” he knew you were just pooling by his words, you both didn’t want to waste anytime so he pulled the thong to the side, sliding his finger through your heat leaving your hips stuttering slightly, “you ready?” You nodded at him and let out a yeah, he took his member and pumped himself a few times before entering you with a groan.

“Fuck y/n your so tight” you softly came down on him, you being on top and holding onto the head board for support as you lifted your hips and ripped them again “mmmm” you moaned, your head tilting back as he watched comfterbly, seeing you in control. You went faster the bed making noise as whimpers left your lips, his hand came up to your waist and held tight, biting his lip as he watched your boobs bounce infront of his face (ew sex 🤢 don’t know her)

He groaned and let out a fuck, moaning at his name as he sat up, looking up at your face and how your beautiful moans leave your lips. “You like that y/n, you like riding me?” He asked, slightly breathing heavy, he messed with the hem on your thong before taking both of his hands to rip it off. “Mhm, you owe me a thong” he sucked hickeys on the pad of your skin, or where ever he could. You rolled your hips, tired of bouncing as your breath was heavy, making eye contact with his darken, lust filled eyes, he didn’t heasitate to kiss your lips, shoving his tongue in your mouth and fighting for dominance, which of course he won, his hands came down to open your legs, fucking himself into you as you whined. “Fuck baby” he groaned when your hands were on his shoulders, clawing them as he hisses in pain but also in pleasure, his hands are tight on your legs which felt so good to you, hearing the clapping noises as you bucked your hips.

“Tommy you feel so good” you moaned, “yeah? My cock wrapped around your tight little pussy, so warm and wet for who?” “For you” your head tilted back, opening your legs more as you begged for more, which he gave to you, he flipped you both over making him on top, he went as fast as he could, your eyes rolling to the back of your head as you choked on your moans “t-Tommy!” “You like that baby?” He asked. “Like it when I fuck into your tight pussy, where you can barely speak, when I bust you fucking open?” “Please please please”

“Please what? Be a good girl and take daddies dick yeah?” When you bucked your hips he laid a slap on your ass, your back arching as you cried and open your legs as open as possible, your chest pressed up against his, he used the head board to pound harder into you, groaning as each thrust, yours moans where high pitched “I’m gonna-“ you swallowed. “Cum? Hold it for me, I’ll tell you when you get it to cum” “your in so deep I don’t know-“ “just try’n hold it” he felt his climax building up. “Please tom can I cum?” You let out a rough high pitched moan, really putting your throat in it, he smiled and moaned at your face, then looked down and seen the way he pounded into you so freely, his cock glistening with your wetness, he took his hand and rubbing your clit messy. “To much Tommy!” You basically screamed.

“Take it for me” your back came off the mattress as your face scrunched, you cum blasting right out of you. “joder joder joder joder, papi me haces correr tan fuerte, dios me haces sentir tan bien! joder papi si, papi si papi si papi si!” You cried, which instantly made him cum right after you. “Fuckkkk” he rode it out, his hand still on your clit, your chest stuttered as your hand went to his wrist latching onto it as he keep swirling around your clit, eager to make you cum again. You were so dazed you couldn’t think straight the pleasure over powering you as you were sure you just peed yourself, “Thomas!” You shrieked

He pulled out. “I could do that all day” he muttered, rolling over to the other side as you both panted, he looked over at you and noticed how you weren’t speaking, “what’s up?” You looked over at him and replied with “I don’t think I’ll be able to walk” he laughed and the door soon opened. “Party is fücking over” his friend said, looking at both of you while your bodies were fully naked, he didn’t care he just wanted you both out, the theme song of the backyardagains playing as he shut the door which left you both laughing, he secretly kept the ripped thong and put it in his pocket of his jeans.

“You spoke Spanish to me, y/n” he laughed as you shook your head no. “Stop that’s so embarasinggg!” You groan and cover your ears. “You called me daddy, I don’t know the rest” “I probably did speak Spanish to you, but I didn’t call you daddy, I couldn’t have” “oh no you called me daddy alright, it was fucking gorgeous, I couldn’t help but cum” “shut up!” You both were walking down the street... well you crippled as he held your hand drinking a slurpii that you got form 711. “How will zendaya feel?” He asked you and you shrugged. “I will tell her soon” “and how you spoke fluent Spanish to me? I bet no one has ever fucked you that good huh?” “THOMAS!”

#tom holland x reader #tom holland #tom holland x black!reader #tom holland fanfic #tom holland imagine #tom holland smut #tom holland au

172 notes · View notes

folkreid · 4 years ago

Text

Everything has changed

TYPE: fluff

WORD COUNT: 1.8K

SONG MENTIONED: Everything Has Changed- Taylor Swift

SPENCERS POV

When I enter the grocery store something is off. Where is she?

The she I was talking about was the woman. She was always here at the same time as me. It's 3 AM. Which is a weird time to go to the store. Why I go to the store so early is a story.

One day I got home from a case and noticed I didn't have anything. No milk. No coffee beans. Nothing.

It was 3AM and this was the only store open 24/7.

FLASHBACK

This store looks sorta sketchy. I don't know if I should go in.

I walk in slowly going to the back of the store where it had a big sign saying "MILK".

I see a lady in pajamas, I understand it's early but everyone else here is dressed. Her pajamas had small little red monsters on them. She picks out candies, lost and lots of candies.

Her hair was messy, long and messy. Grown out bangs messed up in her face. She was really pretty. I'm intrigued.

I grab my milk and go to the line she was in. It took a while, she had a conversation with the worker. She then said goodbye to the other workers that where there. Did she know them?

I walk up to the line. "Just the milk?" the cashier asked. Shit. I was supposed to get other things, I guess I just got distracted by her. "Uh yeah" I respond. "Sorry for the wait" she tells me. "It's fine, do you know that girl?" I ask pulling out my wallet from my pocket. "Yeah, she comes every Sunday and buys a whole bunch of candy, she talks to everyone here, she's really sweet" the cashier responds. I give her a couple dollars for my milk and thank her before walking out.

I walk out and see the girl from earlier on the bench eating some candy. It was a green lollipop. I wonder if she's okay? What if she's a homeless? Or on drugs? Or mentally ill?

Maybe I should just leave her alone.

END OF FLASHBACK

Ever since that day I've gone to the market every Sunday at 3AM. I've listened to some of the conversations she would have with the workers. Turns out she's in college right now. I'm not sure for what. No boyfriend, no children, hardly any family. She also once said that she buys the candy because she baby sits children and gives it to them as a reward.

I look around the store. She really isn't here? She's always here. I turn back around and I bump into someone. Shit it's her. "S-sorry I wasn't watching where I was going" I quickly apologized. "No i'm sorry, it's my fault I was on my phone" she nervously said.

We stood there in silence for a couple seconds before she speaks up. "I-I'm Y/n by the way" she smiles looking up at me. "Spencer, Spencer Reid" I smile at her. "I notice you come here often" she says. "Y-Yeah, you do too" I reply.

"Yeah I usually stay in the parking lot for a while and listen to music" she slightly giggles. Adorable. "Last week I passed your car and I think you were listening to You Belong With Me?" I say hoping I was correct.

Her face lit up. "You know that song?" she gives a flashy smile. "I um my friend Penelope loves that song, and I memorized the lyrics" I look down at my feet. "Do you maybe wanna get coffee sometime?" she smiled cheeky. "Uh- I um- Y-yeah I would like that".

I hope i'm not scaring her away with my nervousness.

FIVE MONTHS LATER

Three months. We've been together for three months. I've never been so happy. I am a man of science, I don't believe in fate but that's what it feels like.

I hear a knock on my door. Y/n is here! I open the door and engulf her in a huge hug, I squeeze her tightly. I think I might be in love with her. She wraps her arms around my waist. "Hey baby" she squeezes me nuzzling her head into my chest. I kiss her forehead. "Come in babe" I tell move out the way so she can come in.

On our first month anniversary I took her on a date to the fair. Our second month I took her on a picnic date. Y/n said she just wanted to spend the whole day with me.

"Do you want me to order food?" I ask her, she starts walking to my room. "Yeah you choose" she flops down on my bed.

I order our food. I lie on my bed, lying my head on her chest. I wrap my arm around her waist. "Oh! Baby do you want to listen to my new favorite song" she smiles at me. "Of course I do babe". Y/n scoots down leveling her face with mine. She grabs her phone and starts playing the song.

All I knew

This morning when I woke

Is I know something now

Know something now I didn't before

And all I've seen

Since eighteen hours ago

Is green eyes and freckles and your smile

In the back of my mind making me feel like

Y/n sings along to the lyrics softly. The song says "And all i've seen since eighteen hours ago is green eyes, freckles and your smile"

But Y/n changed green eyes, freckles and your smile too "brown eyes beautiful smile". She possibly changed the lyrics for me, I wouldn't get my hopes up. She stares into my eyes and kisses me softly.

just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now

I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now

I just wanna know you, know you, know you

She kisses me all over my face. "I'm really happy with you" she whispers playing with my bottom lip. "I am too" I put an arm around her waist bringing her closer. She lies her head on my chest.

Cause all I know is we said, "Hello"

And your eyes look like comin' home

All I know is a simple name

And everything has changed

All I know is you held the door

You'll be mine and I'll be yours

All I know since yesterday

Is everything has changed

Y/n holds me tightly on this part of the song. I can tell she feels it too. It's like this song was made for us. I feel like lyrics. We sat there mainly silent apart from Y/n's soft hums. I don't believe in soulmates or love at first sight but this felt so magical. I know she was made for me. We've only known each other officially for 5 months, we've been dating for 3.

These past three months have been the best.

I hear a knock on the door, our food must be here. "Our food is here i'm gonna go get it okay?" I ask her. She nods pausing her the song we were listening too.

I go get the food pay the man and go back to my room. Where is Y/n? I knock on the restroom door no reply. I go back to my room. Where is she?!

"Boo!" she scream coming out from behind the door. I jump, almost dropping the food. She jumps onto my bed laughing. "Y/n/n! I could've dropped our food!" I exclaim. "Well you didn't so..."

She comes to me grabbing the food from my hands and putting it down on the table. She then wraps her arms around my waist. She slaps my butt. "Ow! Y/n! Don't touch my butt!" she giggles at my reaction.

"Why? Your butt is cute" she gives my butt a squeeze. "That's enough" I pull her arms from around me and she pouts.

We eat our food and talk about our weeks. Y/n recently graduated from college. I'm so proud of her. She has a job interview next week, she says she's really excited. I'm excited for her!

We finish our food and lie back down. "Can we finish listening to the song, I'm dedicating it to you so you better not break my heart" she cups my face in her hands making sure I look her in the eye. "I won't I promise" she smiles giving me a quick peck.

And all my walls

Stood tall painted blue

But I'll take 'em down, take 'em down

And open up the door for you

And all I feel

In my stomach is butterflies

The beautiful kind, makin' up for lost time

Takin' flight, makin' me feel like

I watch as she sings the lyrics to her hear contents. She was so perfect. What if she doesn't love me back?

I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now

I just wanna know you, know you, know you

'Cause all I know is we said, "Hello"

And your eyes look like comin' home

All I know is a simple name

Everything has changed

All I know is you held the door

And you'll be mine and I'll be yours

All I know since yesterday

Is everything has changed

"Spence?" she mumbled. "Yes?" I look down at her. She looks up at me with innocent eyes. "I love you" she quietly says. "What do you say?" I pretend I didn't hear. "Nothing" she lies back on my chest.

Come back and tell me why

I'm feelin' like I've missed you all this time

And meet me there tonight

And let me know that it's not all in my mind

she holds me tightly as she sings those lyrics. That's exactly how I feel. "I love you too" I whisper. She get up with a shocked look on his face. "R-Really?". "Of course I do" she stares at me in awe.

"Get up" she says standing up. I stand and she grabs my hand. "Let's dance"

"I don't know how to Y/n" I confess. "Neither do I" she smiles. I pull her into my chest as we rock back and forth to the rest of the song.

just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now

I just wanna know you, know you, know you

All I know is we said, "Hello"

Your eyes look like comin' home

All I know is a simple name

And everything has changed

All I know is you held the door

You'll be mine and I'll be yours

All I know since yesterday

Is everything has changed

All I know is we said, "Hello"

So dust off your highest hopes

All I know is pouring rain

And everything has changed

All I know is a new found grace

All my days, I'll know your face

All I know since yesterday

Is everything has changed

Everything has changed.

#spencer reid fluff #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fan fiction

40 notes · View notes

night-dragon937 · 4 years ago

Text

New Info Post

Tulpas and supporters, terfs/transmeds/queerphobes/aphobes, and dsmp/mcyt antis are not welcome here.

ALSO: CC!DREAM ANTIS you don't gotta like the guy but if you can't even respect him as a human person fuck off

Less important stuff below the cut

Current special interests/hyperfixations: None TwT

Our tags: artist things, author things, positivity, important, useful, i love this, favorite post, pog art, pog writing, blog post, good comic

The only aesthetic tag we really use- #bdubs core

we don’t do tag games other than picrews, and we only do ask games that we've reblogged. Please don't talk to us about money, we are on social media to get our mind off real world problems and do not have the spoons to constantly be stressing about finances. We are quite busy and tired.

Playlists! (all are wip and feedback is welcome!!)

- Don't Call It a God Complex, There's Nothing Complex About It

- You gotta let them go, boo (break up songs and end of various relationships songs)

- gender

- Can't Talk Right Now, I'm Doing Hot Person Shit (self love and self confidence)

- It's Not a Side Effect of the Cocaine, I am Thinking it Must be Love (love songs for various types of relationships and love)

- Do You Listen to Girl in Red? (gay)

- mentally ill badass bitch core

77 notes · View notes

lmanberg · 4 years ago

Note

(Im so sorry but I need to rant to someone) I am actually physically disgusted about this whole thing. Forcing dre to out himself? Fucking putting her drama onto another cc? And the worst part is dre is getting all the shit because boo hoo women cant manipulate/gaslight/be toxic and men with mental illnesses are more often villianized in situations like this anyway so hes screwed and Im terrified for his health/safety.

Dream is a victim, he has been a victim for a long time. And that same thing he is a victim of was just used on him again. I desperately hope that stream wasn’t triggering for him, as I know manipulation can be when you’ve been a victim in the past, especially if done by the same gender it was the first time.

He, a victim, was just manipulated and gaslighted live on stream, and they laughed when he left and continued to poke fun and be ableist towards him.

I really hope he talked to someone after that, whether it Sapnap, George, Bad, hell, even his own mom. That type of experience can be extremely triggering and it’s always an emotionally exhausting experience and not having someone to listen to you and agree with you after being treated like that for over an hour is really unhealthy.

#ask #text #// neg #// manipulation

33 notes · View notes

latina4rmbx · 3 years ago

Text

Empathy Fatigue

I follow this account on Instagram named "latinxgrief" (if you're on IG maybe check her out). She's an educator/counselor based out in Cali. Her bio states "Grief support & education via storytelling. 🧶Weaving grief+social justice+cultura." I read a quick post she created regarding the differences between Sympathy, Empathy & Compassion. On her caption she simply puts: Empathy Fatigue.

Ok, so me being me, I am like "Boo thanks for the inspo, time for me to write." Ok, I didn't write that to her specifically, but that definitely was the gist of it. Here we are.

I don't know the specific definition of Empathy Fatigue but I'm a "smart girl," I'm sure I can figure it out on my own. I have a clue and examples from my own personal life, but I will do what I always do and break it down and get you the proper info. Lets break up the two words first, "empathy," and "fatigue."

Empathy: (my definition) feeling someone's pain on a more personal level, almost as if you are going through it. (Oxford's definition) the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Holy shit, I wasn't that far off. Good on me!

Let me put a quick notation here. I do not choose which Dictionary is used for my definition. I type definition of (enter word here) and whichever dictionary my phone chooses first is the one I use.

Fatigue: (my definition) to be tired and weary. (Oxford's definition) extreme tiredness resulting from mental or physical exertion of illness.

Fatigue has a good deal of definitions, essentially meaning the same thing. I'm proud of myself. I'm 2 for 2.

As some of you may know, familia when you put two or more words together, it sometimes can change the meaning of the separate words it give it more...how do you say....Seasoning or Flavor. It spices it up. So of course I need to understand what Empathy Fatigue is before I give you the examples I have in my mind. Family, please note, if what I have in my head is not the correct thing, I will tell you "That is definitely not what I thought it meant," and then we continue from there. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm wrong and even less ashamed to do the reading (I won't call it research although it can be classified as such) to get a better understanding of what it actually is.

"Empathy fatigue has also been thought of as a secondary traumatic stress disorder. It's the type of stress that comes from helping people day in and day out or witnessing or helping a person go through something awful. The stress and hardship of what you're experiencing, seeing and feeling starts to take a toll on you." https://heallth.clevelandclinic.org

Ok, so it's not EXACTLY what I thought it was, but it was. I don't know if that makes sense to you so, as usual, I will elaborate with my examples that I had in my head and some more real (my) life examples that I hadn't considered.

MY Example(s): I have friends who come to me for advice on a myriad of issues. School, Relationships, Children, Marriage, etc. Sometimes they just come to me for an ear, and I have to distinguish which is which, because I'm just now learning that it isn't rude to ask: Do you need advice or just an ear? This question is important, even if you don't really listen to their response, sometimes you can say I just need you to hear me out and then offer advice anyway. That happens more often than not. I'm working on it, sheesh.

There is a time when friends come to me and share with me the most awful of things.

Side Note: NO I'm not holding secrets on child abuse or maltreatment of children or of murders. I do like that your mind went there though. You're my people.

When I say awful things I mean the things that are happening in their lives that are awful to THEM. It could literally just be about a shitty job. I have a really good friend who comes to me to vent about their relationship.

I don't know if they read this so I'm going to put this out there, if you DO read my work, please note that I want you to continue coming to me. I love you and will never turn my back on you nor your situation.

This friend of mine has called me in the middle of the night crying about the situation. Woken me up out of my sleep. First off, I feel honored that I am the person they turn to when they're feeling their lowest (should I feel honored though? I don't know maybe this is some messed up codependent relationship - uh, something for me to explore I guess) and I don't care how many calls/texts/screenshots they send me, I will always answer. ALWAYS! And they know it.

Please note that a year ago today, I was not a smoker. Maybe I dabbled with weed every now and again, but cigarette's YUCK. Fast forward to today, I now smoke, not too often, maybe 5 cigarette's a day. The cigarette smoking started while on vacation in the Dominican Republic. YES, this information is relevant.

I was on the phone conversing about the issue my friend was having and I informed them, you're stressing me out I need to smoke.

I am not blaming my friend for my smoking habit. I created the habit on vacation, in the Dominican Republic, like I said above.

Their stress was so palpable over the phone that I empathize and had to smoke a cigarette after conversing...Who am I kidding, while we were on the phone I'd smoke. This to me is the definition of Empathy Fatigue. Their stress was beating me down too. I'd cry with them and my heart would ache with them. It got to the point that I felt their losses with them and this was beating me down in my own life.

Mind you, I am not going through the same issues as they are, even if I have been in the same situations in the past. At present, while they're telling me and crying and I'm hurting and crying with them, my life is nothing like theirs. I am not suffering nor feeling their feelings in my actual waking life, but when we'd talk, I felt and it was as if I were living it through them. I mean, I guess that's what empathy and compassion come down to right? I'm feeling a semblance of what you're feeling and letting you know that I am here for you NO MATTER WHAT!

Whew, that was longer winded than I thought. Now, here are the actual, real life situations that actually lead to Empathy Fatigue: My mom and my cousin are both case managers/counselors/social workers. They have a caseload of clients they must attend to. This caseload gets compounded by the fact that we're living through a pandemic (STILL!!!!) and they have to see individuals face to face or do home visits. They are mandated reporters who must report any type of abuse or neglect. They come home and their nerves are shot. They're angry or they just want to sleep and shut out the world. They are LITERALLY suffering from Empathy Fatigue.

My mom called me crying yesterday about one of her clients...and nothing ACTUALLY happened. Something could've happened but it didn't. But she was crying because of what COULD'VE happened. She kept telling me, I'm reporting it. I'm reporting it. I'm sorry but I'm reporting it. I'm usually the voice of reason (hence why people come to me) and I wanted to tell her "but nothing happened." However, I understood that in the moment, it didn't matter than nothing actually happened. If something DOES happen, she'd feel guilty because she was informed of these things and did nothing.

I know it may seem like I'm being cagey family, but I promise I am not. I can't divulge any information on the client, because a) I don't know it and b) even if I did know it, it would be a huge violation of state & federal laws for me to share with you what she shared with me. So you have to do with that what you will.

I can say this, the client is in a facility and the facility needs to step their shit up because they are getting REPORTED!

Listening to other people's issues, as a counselor/social worker, etc leads to empathy fatigue. It is very difficult to leave the office at work. Especially when you deal with people all day.

Another example: My cousins husband is a corrections officer. I don't know what he does exactly right now but that's neither here nor there. He works and is around inmates for his job. On top of the fact that he's with his fellow officers too. That's a lot of personal issues and personalities for any ONE person to deal with. I'm not saying he's in charge or anything, but when you think of life as one (you) to many (people you interact with), this makes sense. He was suffering from Empathy Fatigue. Dealing with the harshness of the job. Dealing with the angry inmates. Dealing with coworkers who are carrying their own baggage, that is tiring. Then when he came home, he shut down. He couldn't or didn't want to share his days with his partner for fear she'd judge him or she just wouldn't understand or she wouldn't care.

Oh boy this one went really long. I hope I didn't lose you somewhere around cigarette smoking.

In summation, I feel, in this day and age, especially during pandemic times, we may all suffer from Empathy Fatigue. In order to counteract that you should discuss how you're feeling with someone. Meditate. Go for walks. Have sex. Sleep. Do whatever you can to clear your brain. Do what you love. Most of all, show up. You show up for your people, make sure you also show up for yourself.

Bueno Familia, sending you lots of love.

XOXO

Thanks for reading

2 notes · View notes

jehovahhthickness · 3 years ago

Note

Me and my boyfriend broke up two months ago and I’m not sure what to do with myself rn. Like I pour myself into hobbies and still go to classes and complete my assignments and stuff but it doesn’t really feel like I’m doing anything. I just feel so empty and sad and I really miss him… The reason we broke up is because our mental illnesses clash, me being super anxious so needing a lot of reassurance and because of his depression my needs don’t really get met. And like I know he tried really hard and it’s really hard because of his depression I still felt unfulfilled not getting affection for like 5 or 6 days until I have to ask for it… idk if it’s just me overreacting like I’m the problem or asking for too much to want a lot of affection from him because I really want that since I don’t really get that especially when he says he loves me even if he’s not that expressive about it.

Aw hi boo.

I know you are struggling a lot right now but I’m curious right now to unpack this because I wanna know for myself too.

What I want to know is that did both of y’all even try? Especially him … was he a great boyfriend to you and really put his best food forward? I don’t appreciate using our mental illnesses as a valid reason to purposely neglect our relationships.

I’ve used that excuse multiple times myself and that shit did not fly with the people I tried it with and I’m glad they held me accountable for that shit.

Anyone that goes into romantic relationships should know already that it takes a lot of effort to maintain and it is our responsibility to make our partners happy. And if we fall short, then we should definitely accept when our partners don’t want to stick around because they’re not happy and their needs are being met.

You deserve to have your needs met especially if you’re willing to meet the needs of your partner too.

Distractions and hobbies can only do so much. If you’re the type where being in a relationship makes you happy, get back into the dating scene and see what happens.

This relationship could’ve just been a lesson for you and you need to know that there is someone out there that will go to the ends of the earth for you.

5 notes · View notes

callsignbaphomet · 4 years ago

Text

My aunt drove me to the appointment and I was hesitant at first because she is...a stress factor in my life. I know for sure she doesn't mean to be and I'm sure she doesn't even realize she's doing it but it ain't easy talking to her. I feel like my entire family is prone to playing the victim.

Example. A few years ago my aunt planned out a vacation for all of us to go on. The majority of us didn't want to go. It started disastrously bad when my idiot brother wanted to take the long way which here in PR it means going through the middle of the island which meant taking roads that were curves over curves over curves. I get car/motion sickness. I said this aloud. My aunt and my mom have witnessed this first hand. Solution? I gotta drive to avoid throwing up. I didn't want to drive because I didn't know the directions, even then we got super lost, and I was on some medication that forced my p****d out and I didn't wanna go on this vacation but was forced to go (this is me as an adult btw 😐).

So what happened? We had to pull over so I could throw up on the side of the road. I was beyond pissed. The rest of the week went from bad to worse. My sister and her husband insisted that all they wanted to do was go to the beach. I don't like going to the beach, I don't like swimming, I don't like pools, I don't like getting wet. First time at the beach I was on the shore overheating and heavily bleeding and I looked miserable but yeah I'm soooo glad that bitch and her bitch husband had soooo much fun.

Following day they (sister and her husband) wanted to go to another beach. My mom spoke up and said I wouldn't be able to go into the water and didn't think it was fun to just sit at the shore all day. Someone finally remembered me 🙄

So C, who had had enough of the trip since the start had been super quiet and I got a little angry at him for not speaking up either. Turns out he was on the phone searching for interesting things to do in the area aside from going to the fucking beach. So he asked my aunt if he and I could borrow her car. She said okay and during the entire stay all they did was follow my idiot sister from one beach to another, that's ALL they did. Beach hopping.

Meanwhile C and I went to see some weird salt flats, we saw a fuck old lighthouse and befriended some cats, we went to a really old church with an amazingly beautiful garden full of flowers. On the third day we went out to a park and had ice cream. Loooots of ice cream. So all in all C managed to make that disaster better. When he and I got back to the apartment my sister was putting on a show about how C and I didn't wanna spend time with the family.

Dude, I went from 0 to 1 trillion in 1 second and I swear I was gonna lunge at her but C grabbed me basically by the scruff of the neck and held me back and quietly said, "If that's what you think that's a you problem." and we went to take a shower. Which btw only had two temperatures: third degree burn and lava coming out of Satan's butthole. You can imagine how great that felt in the middle of summer in the south side of PR.

Fourth day was an all out disaster cuz my idiot brother, who btw, first day there kicked me and C out cuz he wanted our room cuz it was the only one with ac and he needed it because his crack whore ass was detoxing from some meds. Was yelling and screaming about going to kill himself (read: he wanted something and no one was indulging him so he used the excuse to kill himself to manipulate my mom and aunt to get him what he wanted).

That day was a mess of people pointing fingers and mostly my sister shoving blame everywhere and basically calling out my aunt for making us all go on this vacation when no one else wanted to go.

Drive back was awkward as fuck all with my aunt crying and feeling bad and me and C on damage control. She was super mad that all they did was go to the beach and asked me and C about all we did so we did and tried to make her feel better because my sister told her she has a lot of flaws she needs to work on and now she all boo hoo. Sure, my sister coulda worded it better but I'm glad it happened.

My aunt is one of those "my way or the highway" type of people. She gets set on one thing and noooooothing will change her mind. She constantly hounds me about doing something "productive" with my art. I often just shrug and ignore her but this is constant. I don't sketch in front of her anymore because it's every single time. She also doesn't take social clues, she outright ignores them on purpose. If a subject makes someone uncomfortable she'll keep prying because in her eyes you're probably not working hard enough or doing your best.

On the way to the doctor she brought up art again. I outright told her I wasn't going to do it. I wanted to say not everything has to be about making money but I held on to that one. I told her it was hard to establish a network, that I would be competing with thousands and thousands of people and that it was hard.

All she got outta that was that everything is hard and I'd have to work hard to get out there and establish myself.

Bruh...I was stunned.

So I outright told her no. I don't want to. My art is for peace of mind and she dropped it but I just know she'll bring it up again.

Look. As a hobbyist my art is okay but me charging people for that??? Who the fuck would??? Pay for that???? Jfc.

So we moved on to yet another uncomfortable subject and she said I may have ptsd. Dude...no offense but ya ain't a doctor (thank fuck). So she told me I should check to see a psychologist because then I'd have the tools to handle things better. Fair. I have been thinking about that to see if maybe I can finally get an answer to several things or if maybe I'm making all this dumb shit up in my head. But that was about all the logical shit she said.

She even thinks people are actually not working because they wanna live off unemployment and don't wanna work.

My face went blank. I tried explaining to her that people are protesting unsafe work environments, slave labor/wages, shitty bosses and she heard all of that (granted maybe I could explained it better) and all she said was, "You gotta start somewhere and from there go up".

Then it struck me that of course she'd never understand. This woman NEVER had to work during her entire years of college or even her master's. She has NEVER worked a minimum wage job ever in her entire life. I wanna find articles on what is going on with that and send them to her. She's all of what I said and more but she can sooooometimes see reason. To be honest I'm angry and disappointed in her. She always seemed to adhere to more open minded concepts in terms of society, how differences in generations was good for all of us in general, who's taken to learning what she can about mental illnesses and trauma and so on. She still has much to learn about those last two, she still can't comprehand how me making phone calls scares the fuck outta me, but it's a start? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Idk I just needed to let all of that out. I love her, she's done a lot for me but she's also been a source of stress for me and I can't openly talk to her about anything because she's not easy to talk to. Sorry for the length.

#werewolf howls at dusk

6 notes · View notes