#toxic father poem

[aphrodites-serenade]

My father is a small child in a man's body

I say a lot of things about my father. He's aggressive, dismissive, and self-centered. And yet I can't help but pity him. I see how his eyes look when he sits alone at the dinner table. This wasn't the life he envisioned for himself when he was a young man. He likes to say he doesn't need to prove himself to anyone but lies to his coworkers for validation. He puffs his chest and criticizes himself in the mirror. He swears it's a habit he wants to break. I'd like to think that that's what he sees when he yells at me and my brother. His father taught him that real men don't cry. I guess what I mean to say is that he's still a small child trying to be a man. He's failed. And I could try to hug him, give him the comfort he's never felt, but he'd push me away. He's a scared boy who doesn't know what he's doing here.

[thesongsofautumn]

~happy father’s day i guess

[rotinmycore]

hell is my parents love.

[kissesbeneaththescars]

🎉🎉 I WISH I WAS DEAD 🎉🎉

[saltykoalamusic]

If another man disrespects a woman as a "joke", I swear to all things holy, I will start putting generational curses. Your whole bloodline till their last breath will not know a moment of peace or unity, because you were an idiot.

[cicadastoner]

Realizing your parents don't respect you is not for the faint of heart. Fully digesting the meal in front of you, a narcissistic mom and emotionally absent father, leaves you with stomach pains. You'll spend countless nights in your bed wondering what you did wrong, when it changed, if they ever loved you at all.

They have to love you, you're their child, but as a person, do they truly like you?

They don't show it in words. Commenting on your weight, belittling your fears, mocking your secrets. They don't show it in actions. Invading your space, breaking your things, forgetting you exist. They don't remember the things you like, what flavor is your favorite or what colors you refuse to wear. Instead they buy you vanilla flavored treats and an orange jumper hoping to make up for the words they spewed in anger.

Your mom will force you into hugs that feel suffocating hoping to bandage the bullet wound she left to get infected when you were a child. She'll buy you all the useless items you never wanted filling the gap in your relationship with rampant over consumerism. She'll tell you she loves you daily but wait expectantly for you to return the sentiment that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. She'll break down crying and apologizing for what she did, the mess she made, only to repeat the cycle again tomorrow.

Your dad will stand off to the side and watch it happen. He'll encourage you to patch a relationship you dismissed years ago. He'll spoon feed you sentiments of how hard life is as if you're not living it. He'll snap and yell only to apologize and insist he loves you, you know that right? Though now, the apologies are few and far between. You'll have to bite your tongue as you watch the conflict behind his eyes. You know he's just as trapped as you are but you can't feel sorry for him anymore.

You'll mourn the loss of your mother as she serves you dinner and despise what your father has become as he picks at his food. None of you eat. A bite or two followed by a rushed excuse to leave is the normal, that's if you don't eat in your room.

You'll search for them in the crowd, hoping they took your invitation, but you're disappointed again. You eventually stop inviting them, the pain of their absence too much. They'll find out and ask you why you're ashamed of them, why you don't want them around for your accomplishments, and you'll shrug absent of emotion. You learned not to show emotion years ago.

You'll go to your friends houses and watch as their parents dote over them and they complain, the longing look in your eyes doesn't go unnoticed. You'll spend the night and pretend you belong, you take advantage of the kindness you seldom feel knowing that once morning comes its back to your parents. You'll relish in the radiating warmth and baby photos of a family you wish you had lining the walls. You'll wonder if you deserve the kindness and warmth, even if for just a moment.

This, of course, doesn't come without guilt. Every action has a reaction and as much as you can defend your side with logic you still feel bad for taking it. It isn't in one's nature to defy their parents, yet you do it with so much confidence you wonder if you're really a good person. After all they gave you a home, food and water, they paid for you to do sports in school and bought you all the newest technologies. But the shelter and food didn't come without a reminder of its source, and how easily it could be taken away. You never really liked sports either and the countless phones and laptops were just to steal your attention so they didn't have to give it to you.

You gave up the idea of a warm home and loving parents years ago. Left with a hole in your heart you fill with partners who act just like them. You're stuck in the riptide being thrown around and flipping in every direction until you don't know which way is up. You try desperately to break this curse you're under but old habits die hard and you're stubborn.

You know how to break the curse, by giving yourself the love you seek. Affirming the child in yourself that there's still time and work to be done. But you're so tired and not even sure you're capable of love much less deserving.

So you swallow the bite you're chewing and will the bile back down your throat. You ignore the tears stinging your eyes and the hammering in your chest. You ignore the pulling feeling leading you out in favor of laying back down in bed. You ignore the persistent ache in your heart. You sit with the stomach ache from your meal knowing deep down you have to feel it, there's no way around it. You sit and you hope that one day you can swallow something softer, something kinder, that fills your heart with warmth instead of wanting.

[bitikoyku]

In a home where cold indifference finds its place,

A child lights a flame with a fragile grace.

Burning memories of what could have been,

To warmth the heart that once locked within.

Seeking solace in the fire's glow,

A warmth they'd never come to know.

In the crackling grow, they find a space,

A fleeting comfort in the fire's embrace.

[pumpkin-the-girlie-girl-vixen]

Ghost From My Past

At eleven years old, my world fell apart,

The man I called father was nowhere, no start.

His laughter, his warmth, a love I had craved,

Invisible, like whispers, leaving me enslaved.

As a little girl, I spun dreams in the night,

Wondering what he looked like, searching for light.

What is he doing? Does he think of me too?

Will he ever come looking? Does he ever feel blue?

Does he hate me for questions I dare not ask?

Did he forget all the moments, the love I would bask?

Is he pretending I’m lost, just a shadow of time?

I sat with these thoughts as I tried to climb.

Then at nineteen, he resurfaced, or so I believed,

For a fleeting moment, I felt a reprieve.

But now here at twenty-eight, he’s gone once again,

A ghost from my past, with no way to amend.

Haunted by echoes of what might have been,

Each passing year feels like a cycle of sin.

It’s like mourning a death, yet he’s still out of reach,

A ghost in my heart, with no words he'd teach.

Where is he now, in the depth of the night?

I know that he’s there, just beyond my sight.

This torment, this longing, it cuts to the core,

With questions unending, I keep wanting.

So I sit and I wonder, just a girl in a dream,

His little girl still, though he’s lost in the seam.

I search for the answers in shadows and light,

Hoping one day, we’ll reunite.

Mamaa's Poem

Mama, oh Mama, the memories flood in,

A childhood of struggle, where do I begin?

You were my anchor, my light shining bright,

But the years slipped away, fading In & out of sight.

You held me close when the world felt so cold,

Yet your presence was fleeting, like stories untold.

At sixteen, I lost you, our bond started to break,

In search of affection, my heart learned to ache.

You bought my love when the price was just right,

But I craved something deeper, a warmth that Felt bright.

Yet every time I reached out, you built up a wall,

You’d turn away quickly, leaving me feeling small.

Now here I am, at twenty-eight years old,

Trying to create a life, a family to hold.

But your voice has to echo softly, filled with disdain,

For the man that I love, who you think brings me pain.

I wish I could tell you how hard it’s become,

To navigate life when I feel so alone.

I mourned our connection for the very first time,

Realizing I had to let go of the climb.

I cut off the contact, it hurt me so deep,

But I learned that this silence allows me to keep

The love for myself that I’ve fought hard to claim,

I wish you could see me, but it’s just not the same.

You’d make the same choice for the man you Know, So I wish you knew,

I had to be brave and finally break through.

I’m building my future, with dreams that are mine,

And though it feels heavy, I know I’ll be fine.

Mama, oh Mama, I hope you can see,

That I’m growing and thriving, just trying to be me.

I’m sorry it’s come to this, but I’ve learned to let go,

And though I still miss you, I’ll continue to grow.

Goodbye To My Childhood

In the quiet of night, I whisper goodbye,

To the ghosts of my childhood, the dreams that ran dry.

A little girl’s laughter, now echoes in pain,

Yearning for love, just to feel whole again.

Daddy, oh father, you were never quite there,

A flicker of hope in a childhood unfair.

I chased your reflection in the depths of my mind,

But the warmth I imagined, I never did find.

Mama, sweet Mama, you held me so tight,

Yet your love was a flicker, lost in the night.

You bought me your affection, but the price was too steep,

In the silence surrounding, my heart learned to weep.

Now I stand here, a woman reborn,

With the courage to shatter the chains that were worn.

I grieve for the childhood I longed to embrace,

But my journey is mine; I’ll carve out my space.

In the depths of my sorrow, I gather my strength,

To finally say farewell, to go any length.

The shackles of silence, the burdens of blame,

I refuse to let them define who I am.

So here is my farewell to the parents unmade,

To the love that was absent, the memories that fade.

With each step I take, I release the old pain,

Embracing the future, where hope will remain.

I’m shedding the echoes of neglect and despair,

With a heart full of dreams, I’ll rise from the air.

Goodbye to the shadows, I’m ready to soar,

For the girl who was lost is now wanting no more.

In the courage I find, I reclaim all my worth,

I’ll build with the fragments, a life from this earth.

With love as my compass, I’ll navigate free,

Goodbye to my past, I’m finally me.

[happydahlia]

I know who you are

You’ve never really known me,

I am not what you decided I should be.

I am not defined by the memories you choose to remember,

Or the ones you conveniently forget.

I am more than the mask I showed you,

The mask I wore to protect myself from your lies.

You’ll never really know me,

I won’t let you, you lost that privilege long ago.

When you left me broken hearted,

And all my love for you departed.

As your ego shatters, shards shining as they fall,

I’m building up my inmarcesible wall.

I hope the words I wrote you will make your tears descend,

A drop for each lie, for each pain you caused, karma always finds you in the end.

For now I know the real truth.

You’re not a good person, not the kind soul you paint yourself to be.

And you’ve never known me at all.

A/N:

TW: talk of mental health, poor mental health, abusive family member, trauma

If you couldn’t tell by (or haven’t read) my other work, it’s pretty clear that I don’t have the healthiest mental state. A few weeks ago I was improving greatly, but that all came crashing down just over a week ago. I had some things happen within my family that I’m not going to share here, but they ultimately led to my decision to fully cut contact with my biological father. This poem is not one of my best, it’s not really good at all lmao, but it’s my way of getting the closure I need. I am so sorry if you can relate to it in any way, but if you do i understand how you feel and you are not alone.

As always, feel free to share how you interpret or relate to this poem, likes, comments, and reblogs are greatly appreciated. <3

@world-seen

[pumpkins-collective-life-stories]

Sorry

Im sorry you missed the day I came home.

I'm sorry you left my Mom all alone.

I'm sorry you missed the first time I walked.

And I'm sorry you missed the first time I talked.

I'm sorry you missed tucking me in at night.

I'm sorry you missed turning off my light.

I'm sorry you missed me getting my first fright.

And I'm sorry you weren't there to tell me it's all right.

I'm sorry you never really cared,

Never bothered to make a call.

In fact, I'm not sorry in the slightest bit.

I'm not sorry at all.

You should be sorry,

Sorry to me,

And sorry to all of us,

For what you couldn't be.

A Dad is supposed to love,

Protect, worship and care.

A Dad is supposed to do all of this,

But most importantly be there.

But you couldn't provide,

Protect or care.

You couldn't worship.

And you couldn't be there

Because you made the choice

To never try with me.

Sure, you're on and off now,

But it's just too late, you see.

I mean, I get it now.

And although this makes me sad...

You will always be my father.

You'll just never be my Dad.

[aphrodites-serenade]

Noisy house, noisy mind

The house that drained so much of my life force is growing smaller by the second.

I never did say goodbye to my bedroom, the only room that provided solace.

There was no time for words.

Even in the midst of my escape, my parents spared no kind words.

I knew then,

there was no use in one final look.

Why remember something you’ll never come back to?

I could begin to erase those memories, I thought.

I could push back all the screams, all the tears,

Push them far enough so they’ll never resurface.

–

The empty room that now lies before me is mine to change.

A new beginning, or so I thought.

How could I have known?

No one who leaves a noisy house has a peaceful mind.

A seed was planted in me before I was born.

It has grown into a terrible weed, into the shape of something like a man.

My fingers dig deep into my scalp,

Attempting to drive him out of my head.

He does not leave. Will he ever leave?

–

Oh, I beg you to answer me.

How am I supposed to heal,

when I haven’t yet escaped that horrid place?

The screams, the tears,

they’re louder this time, so much louder.

I fear I’ll die, oh dear, I’ll die.

This must be a joke.

I’ll die along with the same house that ruined me.

Only then will I get rid of this noisy mind.

[lizziessecretcorner]

[forestgirlpoems]

are your feet sore?

from trampling all over

the promises you litter on the ground

I hope the glass shards

of my heart that you broke

make your legs bleed

if not your soul

[paincorner]

I need a father. I need a mother. I need some older, wiser being to cry to. I talk to God, but the sky is empty.

Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

[hdmiports]

every time i interact with my mother i feel like im going insane

[inbetween-life-and-sanity]

And even though I love you I hope I will never be anything like you.