#too many intrusive thoughts
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sometimes i dont even recognise myself anymore when i look into the mirror or a photo.
#txt#vent#i feel so empty#ive been lying on my bed for a while now#what is the point of this anymore#why do i still try#venting feels pathetic#i hate emotions#who even am i anymore#trying to tolerate peoples bs everyday is so tiring#I dont even know why I’m angry or at what#too many intrusive thoughts#so fucking lonely
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𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 cannibal sprout
#dandys world#sprout x cosmo#cosmo x sprout#fruitcake#i havent done the designs for these two yet but i wanted to draw fruitcake so bad#going genuinely insane over these dumbasses#fluffy yaoi but one of them has too many intrusive thoughts#im normal i promise its just freaky hour (5am)#I FORGOT HIS SCARF#PRETEND ITS MISSING ON PURPOSE HE JUST LIKE TOOK IT OFF CUZ HE WAS GETTING HOR- HOT
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Me watching Watcher become the rich Shane would want us to steal from
#I've been so genuinely heartbroken all day from this news#there's no amount of tourist trapped or too many spirits or dish granted that would make me feel better#as someone put it: we would support shane and ryan until the wheels fell off but no one expected them to shove us out of the car#these guys brought me light in my darkest times#and now they've stopped paying the light bill and forced me to do it instead#at full speed#tagged post#intrusive thought station#watcher#watcher entertainment
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Crazy how most of my intrusive thoughts come from the want to be wanted
#or the want to be interacted with/the want to draw a reaction from a crowd#the want to be observed#i don't get many intrusive thoughts. at least not ones that stick#ones ive had were being like “drop off the face of the earth so they can miss you” immediately conflicted by “but ill miss them too”#physical intrusive thoughts are the opposite. i dont want to do something very very badly#yk when you're holding a pencil and it goes flying bc you held it wrong? i fear doing that with my phone into a lake#<- standing on the other side of the road#anyways I don't know if I am normal (my brain activity is quite mellow. i have no memories. but im still pretty smart)#thinking about how everyone wants to label themselves to fit into a group and how it has correlation to playing the victim#anyway im going to go bathe
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you can't destigmatize mental illness by playing into respectability politics
#actually npd#actuallynpd#npd#cluster b#personality disorder#neurodivergent#autism#adhd#tagging a few disorders i have#''erm i'm autistic but i'm normal in social situations and am not cringe. anyone who isn't like me is a bad person''#''erm i have adhd but i'm not annoying and hyper. if you're not like me you're a bad person''#''erm i have ocd but i don't have those disgusting intrusive thoughts. if you have them you are a bad person''#''erm i have npd but i have never manipulated and i'm not self centered. if you aren't like me then you are the reason why ableists hate us'#<- i have seen so many people say those things#it is unreal#they're the most annoying types of people too#sorry my npd isn't just ''hot sexy and always correct''#sometimes the personality disorder affects my personality in a negative way. shocking!
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Re: your mental health comic - I hope, if any of those characters are based on real hallucinations youve had, that you don't have them anymore. You're a good person who doesn't deserve to be talked to like that.
(Referencing this or this post, I’m not sure which)
Thank you so much for your kind words! The characters in those works are representations of actual hallucinations I’ve experienced. They were real nasty pieces of work, but I haven��t actually hallucinated one in a severe enough manner to talk to them in about… Shoot. Hang on, I need to think… 5-ish years now? I think? And the last time I did, I heard a brief sentence before I took some heavy-duty meds that knocked me out and took care of the hallucination by the time I woke up. I’ve gone through a lot of growth between now and then, and I’m now in a place where the only lasting legacy those losers have had is making me very good at abstract descriptions + personifications and self-reflection. Their cruel words are fuzzy and vague things that I barely remember.
Heck, I went through some old notes to remember some nicknames I gave them, and it was a blast from the past that I actually laughed at! They actually called me “less than worthless” to the point I internalized and verbalized it many times? Wow. That’s pretty cringe, guys. You spent your entire lives bullying a teenager. Cool. Now I love myself and forgot that was ever a mantra I recited at all times in my head.
I once had a project I was working on where I made a fictionalized autobiography set in a fantasy world starring a self-insert and these jokers. It was going to be a kind of field guide to hallucinations I experienced. I stopped working on it after a while because it was too painful for me to develop, as it was meant to dig deep into the pain and struggles I went through on a daily basis… and now I’m looking back at it and considering making it a humorous story about how ridiculous my hallucinations were— at least the ones with consistent personalities. Comedy equals tragedy plus time, truly.
I might end up posting some of the more solemn journal comics I made about these chuckleheads... It'd be weird to dig up my significantly older work, but I think it would do me some good and maybe be enjoyable / educational for others!
#figured i should reiterate this since I'm talking about schizophrenia again:#I won't be offended if anyone has questions they'd like to ask + would gladly answer pretty much everything you guys might be wondering!#anonymous asks are on if you're shy#but it's something i really don't mind talking about :>#heck— i actually can ramble for ages about my experiences if you get me on the right subject!#I always worry that people might be too nervous to ask genuine questions#And my hallucinations honestly usually read more as OCs to me nowadays than the spectral tormentors I once suffered under#i have so many jokes to make about these dopes it's not even funny#anyhoo. *holds up the Orange Boy* this dipstick loves mint chocolate chip ice cream for some reason#*points to the Black Clock* that jerkwad thinks intrusive thoughts are legitimately reflective of one's moral fiber#*points to the Red Woman* that heathen is in brain prison for unsolicited art critiques#*points to self* I put the “hot” in “psychotic”#and with that#it is beddy-bye time for Sofies :)#honk shoo mimimimi#psychosis#schizophrenia#schizophrenic#schizophrenia art#psychosis art#stuff by sofie#sofie answers asks
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"End of the line, dear. Halt"
You were in the middle of the conversation when you heard its whisper. You don't need to turn around to know it is staring at you again. The glare of the Others' red eye makes you clam up in your thoughts again. A feeling of an old wound opening up again, and the only thought in your head. Others, that darn thing. It does not need to know how you feel. No one does. You raise your eyes at the visitor again and utter out a simple "Leave. And don't look it in the eyes"
#art#doodle#illustration#sketch#artists on tumblr#mossyossOwl#cat oc#dark art#here's some lore#which is surprisingly angsty#Others is the big wolf thing#it's basically an embodiment of intrusive thoughts#a corroded coping mechanism of sorts#Others have way too many eyes and by the way it's looking you can tell what exactly it wants to tell you#and the red eye means “stop talking”#the yellow eye means “don't ask for help”#there's also a green and a blue eye#but it is a conversation for another day
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unanswered star wars questions:
what do public bathrooms look like in kiffar space where about one percent of the population is psychometric?
squat toilets and bidets? depending on genitalia, you could bring your own device to piss standing up.
people think quinlan vos is a germophobe but there's no way he's putting his ass on a coruscanti toilet seat ever again. not after last time.
#too many different buttocks have plonked themselves on this seat#he won't risk another recent secondhand bout of ibs#too many intrusive alien thoughts while staring at the back of the cubicle door#the bliss of perfect ignorance#the perils of psychometry#star wars worldbuilding
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I'm attached to my modern insert but can't imagine shipping them with lucifer because that's charlie's dad, I couldn't possibly do that to my best friend
#but I want to. but also it's getting too close to a revenge rebound in the intrusive charlastor thoughts that are tormenting me#lucifer would fucking love vaggie and I tho because I just make excuse that I don't keep up with bible lore and only treat him as#my friend's dad and he gets on so well with being called 'charlie's dad' even tho she kind of doesn't like it given their relationship#I wish I could just be friends with vaggie and charlie but I somehow have so many hangups w/ them it's strenuous at times#meanwhile my insert from alastor's era is just a homewrecker sleeping with all of her parental figures
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It is so hard to determine the range of what's considered normal variance of the human body.
I'll be going about my life, thinking a thing I do is normal until a friend points out that it's apparently not. But when I try to look it up, all the medical sites tell me not to worry so long as it's in the "normal range". What is the normal range? You know, normal!
I wish they'd just give me some hard numbers for once.
#how bendy is too bendy? how many intrusive thoughts is normal? where is the line between sensitive to cold and temperature dysregulation?#I know it's not realistic to want a concrete measure for everything but youd expect it for SOMETHING#lunellum personal
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nah its bc yall think being negatively psychologically effected by something is somehow less bad than physically effected by something. clearly you dont know how bad it can get mentally.
#come to me when the intrusive trauma thoughts make you want to kys and even maybe make you attempt.#also yknow... kinda a whole thing that even non-physical trauma can fuck up your body too so. idk bud.#if i could channel how my body feels after being touch starved for so many fucking years you'd cripple to the floor.
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Wh
#Don’t have the energy for too many words which is bad bc I wanna write and chat#But the thoughts (derogatory) are loud and the voices will not cease#Voices being the adhd many trains of thought. Not DID but it’s like having a bunch of people up in my brain all doing a bunch of different#Things at once#And it’s hell#An irl has taken to calling my trains of thought the voices and honestly she’s not wrong#Lots of distressing intrusive ones I igneoe#Some that sound like they come from the real world#Words hard
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Thinking back to how when I was in the fandom I literally couldn’t watch the show. Like I engaged with the fandom but I would go years without engaging with any official content because I would feel ashamed for being a fan if I did.
Turns out I had ocd so. That makes sense.
#idk why my ocd latched hard onto EW like#CZ ocd can get bad but at least I know it’s ocd now and can manage it better and I can still consume official content#EW just#I had it since the beginning and it triggers SO MANY intrusive thoughts and compulsions that I can’t cope with it’s like it do other fandoms#like the only way I’ve found to felt with it is by doing shit like I do on this blog#even then it doesn’t help too much#hashtag mental illness lols
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If I ever end up in one of the many fandoms I'm part of, I don't care which one(that's a lie I would prefer the Riordanverse or BSD universe) I want to be that background character that knows everyone's secrets and has known the characters with mysterious past since childhood and has an uncanny ability to survive literally anything.
I would show up randomly sipping coffee and teasing the CWMB(character with mysterious background) about something that happened in our childhood.
BSD: "Hey Dazai remember the first time you tried to hang yourself except that you thought it meant hanging yourself with clothes hangers and you were stuck in the rafters for like hours before someone let you down? Good times. "
PJO:" Hey Percy remember when you were like eight and for some reason you were munching on a freshly caught fish and hissed at anyone who tried to get you to drop it and when someone did try to snatch it you bit them and they had to take them to the hospital due to poison? "
#pjo and hoo#bungou stray dogs#i let my intrusive thoughts after reading too many isekai manhwas#were characters are broughg into the main plot against their wishes#but not me if i end in this situation im going to choose when in the plot to get involved and when to dip#while causing my childhood bestie some embarrassment
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legit i get actual bad anxiety from my notps because my otp kinships just make other ships with those characters HUGE squicks for me. but im not going around telling people to kill themselves or that ill kill them if they tag something from me with those ships! even if its triggered my anxiety im still just going to ask them to remove the tag or reblog the post from someone else (if its a reblog). like what in the literal fuck is wrong with yall
#everyone who gets literally violent over ships (esp due to their HEADCANONS) should have all of their electronic devices blow up#also sorry but not actually for all of the salty posts today. on my period and its def not helping my salt levels#just need to vent about dumbasses sometimes bc theres too many of them#and im NOT gonna picture bashing their heads in no sir i have my intrusive thoughts super under contrrolllll#wish my brains response to anger wasnt violent intrusive thoughts but hey at least im not being actually violent fr#or threatening violence on others#unlike these fucking dipshits
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guys i literally have a lamp/light fixture addiction it is actually getting out of hand
#it cant just be my distaste for ceiling light ambiance its someway way more devious#i will count the lamps in my apartment and then consider the square footage of thr please and you will be appauled#i dont even have all the lamps i own at my apartment many of them are at my moms because i genuinely dont have space#please dont look at my differenly i literally cannot hep it and im only now recognizing its a real problem#i have so many pictures in my camera roll of lamps fjdjjdjd wtf#most of them are ones i see and get the intrusive thoughts to steal#like I worked at this B&B when I was in college and there was a lamp there#and id like go into the room to look at it ALL THE TIME#i fully hatched out a plan in my dome to steal it too but i liked bothed of the women i worked for too much to dissrespect them like that#but i have a picture of it on my phone from 2020 that if just#look at#i need deep psychological help#ramblings
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