#too bad my mom is straight
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my mothers love life is enough for both of us, I am so glad for myself to be who I am now cuz gosh this is just drama and pitifuy frustrating to witness.
#love lifr#aromantic#asexual#too bad my mom is straight#to bad my mom is t a man cuz her partner would have been spoiled to hell and back
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A lil guy !
#honkai star rail#dan heng#genuinely have a million things i wanna draw and then zero energy#so dan heng in a hoodie#now i gotta go get dinner sooooo maybe that will give energy and then i can draw more of what i actually wanna draw#but i kinda spent like ... hours ? talking to my mom earlier today#since shes been in the hospital for many many days#so i was catching her up on whats been goin on and showed her silly lil videos#and telling her how hyped i was for summer hrid and she (very patient with my fe talk)#was like you always tell me about banners being bad so it must have made you REALLY happy to say the whole banner is good#and im like yeah and i had multiple people on multiple sites like hey salmon/moeblob did ya see the banner#and she was like thats so cool that people acknowledge who you like and im like yeah it is p cool#and then i told her how mad i was at the absolutely criminal act of limiting how you can watch clue (1985 hit movie)#like i told her yeah sure i own it twice on dvd and once on itunes and that the only way to watch those#are either desktop or ps2 and how i dont have access to my itunes email#and i dont have it on my laptop so i sadly would have to rebuy the movie on itunes under a new acct#then i said how i loved that it was free to watch with ads on yt and id watched it twice that way#but then recently wanted to watch it on there but laptop and hoo boy you have to buy or rent it now#so i v angrily was like fine whatever ill do the thing and leave my room and go watch it on my moms tv#while she isnt around and use her amazon prime where it should be included except ! IT WASNT!#YOU HAVE TO HAVE PRIME TO BUY OR RENT IT NOW TOO!#HOW ARE THEY DOING THIS AND WHY ! who in the world is watching this movie so much that isnt me that they have to charge for it now#on all platforms unless you straight up pirate it#and hey why would i of all people be needing to pirate a movie i own physically two times and digitally once#this is literally a personalized attack to me#and my mom was like i understand how you feel cause yeah thats really weird to do to a 1985 movie#and im like yes exactly i have morals and principles that make me opposed to this and its v maddening#and she said she understood and its ok next time we are having power issues and i have to shut down#that if i really wanna watch it i can rent it on her amazon account and i looked at her and shes like oh you feel v strongly about this#and i do! I HAVE HAD IT GIFTED TO ME TWICE ! I BOUGHT IT ONCE! WHY DO I HAVE TO RENT IT FOR MORE MONEY!
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scene girl jyushiko <3
#shout out to the black and brown scene girls y’all were my besties growing up thank you for your service 🫡#I WANTED TO BE SCENE/EMO SO BAD BUT MY MOM WOULD HAVE A COW so i was too nervous to try#my cousin was more on the emo side but my bestieeee was straight up scene. and i was the nerd girl. that’s it LOL#she introduced me to soul eater but i didn’t get it at the time i was so IGNORANT.#kaasan.art
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getting back on my drawing slowly but surely ^^ here's an aleena
#sonic the hedgehog#sth#sth aleena#aleena the hedgehog#sorta vent in tags but its more rambling TDLR i got injured right after the other stuff lol :sob:#just a tw for xacto knives & vomitting#I probably would have gotten back sooner but I ended up having a pretty nasty accident with an Xacto knife#design students remember your xacto safety and dont end up like me#my mom says it's probably because I was distracted with other events so I wasn't paying as much attention as i should have#you always feel like they're overreacting about safety till you end up in an accident :skull:#or well#Ive been cut before with Xactos but they weren't from cutting straight against a ruler and not realizing your finger is in the way#they were mostly because of how I'd accidentally push my finger too close to the back of the knife#and circles#“Go fast with a lot of pressure” - my design teacher's instructions on straight lines... yeah. I did that.#It's kinda crazy though cause I've gotten worse injuries but HOLY FUCK#Like yeah. Spraining my ankles hurt... burns hurt... that time my elbow just decided to be unbearably painful for no reason#that last one still confuses me cause what the hell??? anyways this time was just#an actual ridiculous amount of pain for what it was#I threw up 5 times from the pain all at once... which has only ever happened before with the elbow thing#at least this was an actual reason. unlike the elbow... which I LITERALLY JUST WOKE UP AND IT WAS SEARING PAIN LIKE WHAT THE HELL????#anyways#Now that it doesnt hurt as bad it's kinda neat to look at#and think about in hindsight cause it bled a lot :sob:
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grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it
#ive made this post before i just cant find it and it’s all im feeling rn#god i miss my parents so fucking much even though they were the cause of SO MANY of my problems that idk if i’ll ever heal from#but navigating life w this grief and without their support- however little it was- feels like hell#but the abuse felt like hell too.#ive said it before but i was JUST getting to a place where i felt i could stand up for myself and knock down thwir shit a few pegs. or at#least become more resistant to it#i saw a future with them in it for the first time in my LIFE#and it was bc i’d done SO MUCH FUCKING WORK. and now i feel like it was all so fucking useless#it’d be easier if i was still in the phase of anger i was at like 19#but i’d processed that quite a bit and was trying to move on#FUCK. i had made SO much goddamn progress right before my mom got sick#then everything went down the toilet cus i cannot fucking have anything#it’s so unfair. i wish i could at least redo the last 3 years of my life#i would’ve done things so much different but i was so traumatized and still so angry and bitter and trying to preserve myself#ive come to the realization tjat the person i am today did not exist back then and therefore i shouldnt beat myself up bc it literally wasnt#available to me. i couldnt have done anythimg different bc i was in such a state of survival#and truthfully ive grown a lot since then even if im still in the trenches#the timeline of my entire life has been so fucking unfair#and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true#and i mean worst fears. even the way they passed. spot on to my worst fears#i despised what they did to me but i still didnt see life without them until i was at least 30#it was all so sudden and quick and shocking#yeah they were horrible parents but i was a horrible kid too. maybe i straight up just deserved that shit#and i’d go back to that and seeing a future with them in an instant#over this bullshit#it’s so hard. and then losing all my pets too at the SAME TIME. all my babies#everything that i loved ripped away from me in the span of MONTHS#it’s all too much. l oh fucking l. no wonder im 3 shots deep at fucking 3 pm#it just hurts so bad. so fucking bad.
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what even is good health and feeling well rested? sounds about as real as the happily ever afters from the childrens stories I would read.
#Not that I really have bad health#Except for the regular “feeling like crap every single morning” spiel#And the way my stomache hurts everytime I eat :/#Which my mom says is nothing#But it gets annoying#Oh and back pains!!#Cause I’m horrible when it comes to taking care of myself honestly#It’s too hard tho#health and wellness#healthylifestyle#relatable#sometimes I feel like even sleeping straight for a year wouldn’t help#Don’t nearly fall asleep every waking moment of the day challenge: failed
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Thinking about Bodkin bc like found family trope but you’re more like ough.. uh oh.. OH MY GOD… uhhh… AHH… AHHHHH… aghhh.. OH MY GOD NO
#mypost#bodkin#bodkin Netflix#I am NOT accurately describing the rollercoaster bc i watched the full show over the course of the last month with my mom#WATCHED THE LAST TWO EPISODES TONIGHT#WENT FERAL#PLEASASEEEE#no ‘you’re lying!’ trope— IM ROMANIAN#like…. him listing Romanian facts (instead of straight up being like ‘naur… ur lying 🥺’ —SHOW DONT TELL GOT ME SO FUCJING GOOD#BITTHCCC#GOT ME TEARING UP#SEAN JUST BEINF SHIT ON#BY SEAMUS IN ALL THE DEALS#BEING CONFRONTED BY SO MANY INTENSE RELEVATIONS#AND THEN#(spoilers spoilers for those who haven’t watched spoilers spoilers spoilers aheaaaaaaaaaadddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd#HIS FUCKING#GUAGHHHHHHHHHH#I CANT EVEN#the thumb bit got me so good too (almost burst out laughing)#I know it’s serious and fucked up BUT FUCKING#AJDBIWNSJWISHEJ#SLAPPING SOMEONE WITH A FINGER THAT JUST GOT SHOT OFF#pls it’s so bad in that situation that it’s funny#god what a fucking story…#AND THEN OIGHHHG#THE WHOLE WRAPAROUND ABOUT STORIES AND WHAT YOU DO TO GET THEM AND HOW THEY EFFECT PEOPLE#OUGHHHHH#IF YOUVE GOTTEN THIS FAR PLEAAAASE WATCH THIS SHOW
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alhamdulillah
#idk why but last july/august keeps popping up in my head lately#without divulging many details very traumatic thing happened. familial stuff#like a week before my birthday and then my mom had to travel too#and for that whole week i didn't know how to exist. just looking at him made me sick and thinking about how alone i was#and how alone i'll be on my birthday made me cry every single day for a week straight. i missed my brothers so bad#my birthday came around and it was one of the best i'd had in recent years. thanks to my friends#idk what i did to deserve such beautiful people in my life. alhamdulillah
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shame?? in MY sti diagnosis??? it's more likely than you think
#sorry for tha oversharing but like. man i guess i really havent gotten over the neo-puritanical societal ideals of america.#like. just gghhhhhhh i feels so bad#also sex ed here is so shitty like i straight up did not know you could catch stuff from using toys on ur own!! that is something that sho#uld be taught!#so fucking embarrassed too cause i dont have a license which means i cant get to the doctors on my own. i gotta tell my fucking mom.#shes generally cool but like. i dont wanna tell her that shit!!#i'll come up with some kind of stupid fucking excuse but god. ugh ughhhhh uueuaagghggghb#i feel so shitty
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oh in different news i think my outfit is nice today. i like think ive worn this outfit before and talked abt it then and its Exactly the same as all my other outfits (me and this black dress were like this 🤝) but i think its nice .
jawdrop for scale.
#im so bad at like taking pictures of outfits bc my natural tendency is to just sort of stand . in pictures#but ya. then its just my shoes and like. tights. i wish i still had white tights but theyre like. beige#the shoes r my one shoes that i have JFBFJF the ones i got for work. since theyve returned to me.... i think this outfit would look cute#with my boots but 1. we are going to an apple orchard so 6 inch platforms would not be the move 2. they were famously broken. by annie#i told my mom abt how my dad said we could look for someone to fix them and stuff. bc he told me to find one and then give him the details#but then i got too scared to give him the details even tho he asked -_- nd my mom was just like. we can get that done its fine and i was#like yeahh but the terrors. sigh#idk. my boots may or may not just wallow as is forever. sorry granny#one thing abt me tho is i do straight up dress in black and white like 99% of the time im sorryyy i just dont think i look good in colors#i do have one colorful dress that i like but its kind of desaturated in some ways... i like that one tho. so yes i suppose i dress in black#and white Or sort of brown
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Now that I'm over 12 hours after the fact. It's a little funny of the universe to take away my braincells and let me burn my fingers so badly I got to give my work a doctor's note saying I'll be out for the weekend. After I complained for the nth time that 5 day weeks aren't good for me and I can't wait til end of summer for it to stop
Blisters under the cut! It's not gorey I just wanted to show what I'm dealing with but it is blisters so
Big ones are circled with thicker lines. Small ones are w smaller lones. The docs note us mostly so I don't risk infection at all, cause he thinks the blisters Will pop (which sounds Awful)
#i didnt update tumblr earlier but in my defense i couldnt and also i went to my joyfriend to chill out with after getting home#i touched a hot pan today with both hands and burnt my fingertips so bad i was crying for like a half hour straight with them under water#my crying was so shocking to my mom (and separately my sister. she doesnt see me cry) that she took me to urgent care woth my fingers in a#cup of ice. cause it got too painful if they werent in water after about a minute and a half#the doc did say it was a really sensitive spot (my FINGERTIPS) so its very painful for mild blisters on four fingertips#that did make me feel better and less like i was being dramatic just to get neosporin and bandaids put on. that and the doctors note#anyway i cant do minecraft but i can draw mostly like normal so this is fine#artfight will go on as normal and actually be more productive since i cant use minecraft to ignore artfight
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In case it's hard to read/understand: "If I had a nickel for every time I had a story with a blonde girl named after a plant, who has a German father and a French mother but absolutely hates said mom, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice."
weird, extremely-specific tropes in my stories: pt 1
#oc liveblogging#ughhhhhhh i really CANNOT afford to be procrastinating rn but i know this happens when im extremelyyyyyy fucking stressed.#creative/art related classes always get me for this reason bc ill use 'wait but i need to find inspiration!' as an excuse to procrastinate.#fuckkkkkkkkkk. UGH IM NOT EVEN WRITING SOMETHING FROM SCRATCH ITS JUST A FINAL REVISION BUT IM CONVINCED IT SUCKS#the worst part is hkjhkjGHKJ I HAVE TO PRESENT SOME OF THIS SHIT AT AN. INTERNATIONAL FUCKING CONFERENCE GUYS. GUYSYSSSS#anyways this post is sadly not related to that. nothing im presenting is related to my ocs [un]fortunately lmao#ive just been thinking rotating various oc stories around in my head again ourgghhhh.#and i realized this LMAO. i mean maybe technically not 2 separate stories anymore because im recycling a lot from one for the other?#one of these was already established lowkey and the other was something i made for an assignment for a class like 2 years ago#i actually don't know if petunie will be blonde in her final incarnation?? ive always imagined her as silvery blonde ig but idk#if ill keep that. she doesnt have proper colors like colin but at least colin has his design set more straight somewhat.#and all the recent petunie development is lowkey really fucking funny to think abt. i girlbossed with her character development so#hard that she really replaced lucian as a protagonist HAHAJSDHKGJ. ok well not 100% kamille's story is a shoot-off#of lucian's technically? i guess? it started becoming that and now its solidified as that lowkey bc same town same place time period people#but man if im not careful i might accidentally make kamille/petunie's arc THE default one and lucian's main one the offshoot instead#a lot remains to be seen. but also yeah the other one who's story is mostly getting recycled (myrtille) actually ALSO HAD HER MOM#COME FROM THIS SAME FUCKING PLACE BASICALLY. a few decades later but still bruh given developments for lucian's story too its just like#at this point im noticing a pattern man wtf is wrong w/ women who come from this town specifically lol. 😔🥴#this town in general is just fucking cursed though i think ahkjshkg. i mean that jokingly and literally lolololl i gotta. work on it. but y#I HATE IT HERE WHY ARE WEIRD LITTLE FUCKING TOWNS WHERE BAD SHIT HAPPENS ALWAYS A CONSISTENT TROPE IN MY STORIES /silly#I DONT EVEN COME FROM A WEIRD LITTLE TOWN MY HOMETOWN IS LIKE. AVERAGE NORMALISH NOT SUPER LARGE??? IDFK?????#haaaaaaa fuck i need to finish this by the end of TODAY I S2G!!! SO I CAN MOVE ON TO ALL THE OTHER SHIT I OWE FUCKKKK
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recently ive been getting really sick of my neighbors i wish that i had a bunch of money so that i could buy up their houses and only let people i live live near me
#neighbors 1 used to be friends but theyre trumpies and also neglect and borderline abuse their dog#i like river hes not a bad dog but hes not trained well and is a very large and powerful dog and really really wants to kill my cats#and they just let him loose wander in the road wander into other peoples yards and hes trapped me and my mom outside because#he tries to force his way into our house if we try to go back inside of our house and i kinda dont want my cats guts splattered everywhere#neighbors 2 have a fenced in yard with a lab and a husky that they leave outside all of the time in their yard#as far as i know they dont have a dog house or even food and water out there and absolutely no toys and the dogs bark constntly#probably because theyre so bored outside in the hot weather usually without shade and no entertainment they bark at each other#or anyone in the yards of the neighboring houses or they bark at the door begging to be let back inside or bark at the windows#and theyre patriots too they got one of those huge skeletons last halloween and theyve kept it up ever since changing out the spotlight#for holidays which initially i really liked i thought it was funny but then for memorialday/july 4th they dressed in patriotically#and i hate america so . i hate them and how they neglect their dogs#neighbors 3 they are related to the one good neighbor BUT. theyre married (?) and they scream at each other arguing all of the time and#because of the geography of where we live it echos right to our house very loudly and it gives me anxiety and they have a kid or kids#who sometimes cry loudly because they scream yell at each other loudly i kinda hope they (not the kids) go to hell#neighbors 4 i . im not sure if theyre newer here but they also have dogs but so far theyve kept them on leashes i think?#except for that one time where their dog just. walked up to me. idk if they let the dog loose on purpose or if it was accidental#but recently me and my mom were outside messing with the garden and They are also a couple and were screaming at each other#also ! i love straight people 😍 please breakup or get a divorce or move away or go to hell youre fucking crazy people go to therapy#and then theres the people on super loud motorcycles or in super loud cars and then theres the other neighbors with the isra hell flag#and the other neighbors that i SUPER SUPER SUPER HATE and have hated for YEARS ecause i went to school with one and hes#racist as fuck i hope he dies or something. and because of them we dont even go down the road that way#they have free roaming animals that would go into the road and they run some ? atv repair or something out of their house and sometimes#completely occupy the whole road loading shit or something. like if you want stereotypical redneck assholes its them#and i hate all of these people so much. mutuals you should live here instead of them. its the blue ridge mountains its higher altitude#its pretty but sometimes it rains and causes something of a 'creek' to flow but were on a mountain so it flows down and away#and well sometimes the sewer smells really bad for some reason idk but like . its fine dont worry about it#and bears might drag your trashcans up the mountain but just dont leave food outside and they wont do that#we have a . shockingly beautiful ?? dumpster on the road too so its okay 👍#dear lird i just scrolled up and thats a lot of words . o well
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sorry for live bloging the mental breakdown guys. any fun tips for mebefore i lay in bed for several hours not sleeping?
#im joking sorry#christ i was doing so goood..... guys i promise im like pretty ok almost all the time#trudst me i overanalyze a lot#and my parents are pretty good most of the time too#i promise thats not just meplacing blame on myself lmao like for real im pretty much fine all of the time#i havent had a bad incident like this in super long like maybe a full year now#which is really good#so seriously dont worry too bad. its just. really bad right now.#the end of the quarter is coming up and i cant do my homework#im struggling so bad#and evenr then i get like straight as so like its fine overall im just struggling with executive dysfunction really really really bad#i hope this will convince my mom i need adhd meds but i dont think it will
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💌 Send this to the twelve nicest people you know or who seem to have a good heart and if you get five back you must be pretty awesome. 💌 🥰🥰
Hi dear @airenyah! I miss your Sana Bakkoush header but will recognize your BBS icon and your kind online voice anywhere! 😍 Accompanying this Ask with good wishes for a beautiful springtime day, to one of the nicest people I know who also has a kind and generous heart! 💖
awwwww that's such a sweet thing of you to say 🥺🥺🥺
i saw this ask first thing in the morning after i woke up and it had me all kinds of 🥰🥰🥰
i too miss my sana bakkoush header (she looks so cute in that shot)!! usually i'd just change my icon but this is the first time since i've made this blog a decade ago that i can't change my icon over my header, because otherwise @ranchthoughts and i wouldn't have matching icons anymore and that thought hurts me more than saying goodbye to sana after 7 years 😔💔
#sana has served my blog well but now.. it is time 💔#i think sana was my first real gay crush??#except i thought i was straight and kinda just ignored it as i obsessed over isak and even's relationship djcjcjfjc#and i was really attached to the sana header bc of that and i just couldn't bring myself to change it even when i stopped being into skam#and started falling more and more into (thai) bl world#and then i developed a crush on an irl girl from my uni (rip)#and i actually THOUGHT about changing my header when i first watched mafia the series back in september#but at that point i struggled even more to change it bc it felt like it was proof that i'd liked girls too for much longer than i'd realized#bc i'd had that sana header for so long and i was so attached to it (she's INSANELY cute in that header) and so yeah... djfjfjcj#but then i forgot to save my header in my april fool's prank stress and that felt like it was the universe telling me ''it is time''#''get a new header. this is your moment'' so here we are with my new mafia the series header featuring my boy joong archen djfjfjiv#considering i call myself a bad buddy blog in ''its joongdunk era'' i should have probably gone with a joongdunk header#so my icon + header would represent both the bad buddy blog and the joongdunk era djfjfjic#but i GOTTA promote mafia the series bc it's an actual GEM of a show. easily my fave non-bl series#it had me in tears when i watched it to the point my mom commented on how she could hear my laugh in my room gkfjfjjf#asks#also can i just say... i adore this fandom so much 🥺🥺🥺#everyone here in our little tumblr corner is so sweet and nice and i just adore all of you sooooo so much 🥺💗💗💗
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God I’m so fucking miserable
#a girl I had an internship with in like 2016 who I don’t know that well#just posted like LOOK MOM I MADE IT TO AUSTRALIA!!!!#and alllllll these pictures of her here#In the same town im currently living in and in the same place I spent time on the drive here#and she just looks absolutely fucking STOKED like so purely high on life#and she’s traveling alone too and seemingly spent her whole life wanting to be here too and it just#it just really put into perspective how fucking SAD I feel due to everything#sad sad sad sad sad like that level of happiness feels like a parallel universe#and we’re in the same fucking TOWN#it sucks to know my bad gut feeling was right#it sucks to know I could be that happy but im not#and im not simply because the universe chucked every bad coincidence possible straight at my head#I don’t know what to do to get my spirits back up#I just don’t#I don’t know what to do to put myself back on the right track#I feel so beat down by life it feels impossible#I don’t feel like myself anymore#I kind of just fucking hate this country#and I can’t believe I feel that way when it’s the concept the entity I have loved the MOST#my entire fucking life#it’s not fucking FAIR#I’m just out of steam#I want to see a kangaroo and be happy I want to drive with the windows down I want to go on little road trips#I want to not have the crushing weight in the back of my mind of a $4k repair bill on every purchase I make#cars are like a sacred safe space to me and I want to look at my car and not feel devestating and fucking rage#I want to have had a pleasant Australian Road Trip up here#I want I want I want#I want the new eyes I once looked at this place with#I’m tired of the anxiety I’m tired of it all
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