#tomorrow i am going to be studying like my life depends on it

[kapncrunch]

AGH!! I hate that lack of sleep is associated with 'the grind' and 'hardwork' during finals!! Like I feel SO SO guilty whenever I get more than 6 hours cause I 'wasn't studying hard enough' but when I get 6 or less it's literally SO MUCH harder for me to retain information like ????? Idk I'm clocking out at 11:30 tonight so gonna get ab 7 hours, wish me luck on finals ya'll

[from-izzy]

[00:05] | nct mark lee

"You're not behind," it prompts the grip on his forearm to tighten, "but you are tired and you deserve to rest now."

pairing » nct mark lee x gn!reader (fast proofread once - lmk if i missed anything!)

trope/au » established relationship au!, non-idol au!

genre » maximum hurt and comfort because i need someone to do this for me AND IT'S EXAM SEASON FOR MEJSDKFJHDF, mwork is a fluffy boyfriend in these angst times, mark holding you tight and telling you that everything is fine, boyfriend mark lee concerned for your wellbeing, mark letting you rest against his chest

word count, estimated reading time » 1707, ~6 mins

warnings (lmk if i missed anything!) » reader is stressed with academics, reader hasn't slept in a while, mark implied to be physically bigger and taller

navi/masterlist!! 🤍 nct dream masterlist🤍 'especially to you...'

HEYYYY HIIII! double update in a month which is very rare for me now 😭 and thanks for beta-ing a long time ago @sohnric !!

i def still love writing but life commitments can get heavy sometimes 🥹 and with that, this one is for everyone who is in exam prep or just having a hard time academically but also just anyone who needs comfort right now! good luck on your studies and commitments everyone! you can do this!! 🫂

with that being said, my first exam is tomorrow and i am tired-

Literally from the side, you hear the door creaking open, the click of its button free from the metal that houses it on its frame. As always, you choose to ignore it even though your heart drops slightly closer to your stomach. You don't dare to tear your eyes away from the document on your screen, choosing to look at the scorching white with your tired, slightly red eyes.

He called out for you but the only thing he's greeted with is your fingers rapidly against your keyboard. Mark is no longer surprised by your dismissive actions, sighing when it seems like the rhythm becomes faster. 

Slowly, he approaches your study area, a folded finger rubbing against his eyes in an attempt to blink the tiredness away even if it's just for a little bit. When he's close enough to see what you're working on, he can't help but feel proud of your progress. The title of the document takes him back to just a few days ago when you were crying to sleep in his arms, telling him about how you have no idea and that you have hit a wall in the upcoming assignment that seems to be due so soon. 

In reality, it isn't due for two more months, but it's the weighting of the assignment that has you pondering if you can really bear the burden of sleeping when forty per cent of your grade depends on this one paper.

But seeing your hair messy with an overused coffee cup not too far away from the edge of the table, he isn't sure if he would just rather see you cry yourself to sleep or see the obvious dark shadows surrounding your eyes. What he does know right now though, is that you should just rest your whole body after depriving yourself of a whole twenty-four hours with no sleep—slightly more than that now actually.

Mark arrives behind you, the front of his oversized shirt hitting the backseat of your study chair. His arms fall onto your shoulders, slowly massaging your tension away.

"Dinner?" He tests the topic first, genuinely not knowing if you have eaten today as he was busy outside the house.

You respond with a hum, "I promise, I had it." The typing didn't cease as you continued to speak to him, "Go back to bed, Markie."

If only you could turn back to see the face he makes at your dismissive answer. "Can't," he answers simply for now. "Not when I know that you’re out here tired and sleepless."

You know that this is his way of pulling you away from the technology that is keeping you up but you decide to stand your ground, "Just a bit more."

"That's what you've been saying the past half day, bubs." 

The specific timeframe is what made your fingers freeze and you tuck all your fingers into your palm except for two, scrolling up towards the start of the document. Reality suddenly sinks into you when it doesn't feel like you scrolled up a lot, but the grey bar on the right side of the screen shows that you reached the top of the document. The wave of exhaustion finally hits and your eyelids suddenly fall instantly. Mark immediately encircles his arms around you, pulling your back to rest against his chest.

It doesn't take him another second to realise that you're silently sobbing in his arms, upper body trembling in shame and disappointment with how time has passed yet no real effort is physically seen to the real world. Mark presses multiple kisses on the top of your head, tightening his hold and whispering words of comfort. 

"Mark..." You decide to bury your eyes into Mark's arms, the salty liquid trickling down the safety of his arms. "It feels like time is mocking me right now..."

You've always felt this way. Indeed, time will never wait for anyone or anything, yet as humans, it's ironic that we always wait for the right time. It's annoying and it's infuriating to see the long hand of the clock easily circle while you just sit still and watch it happen. 

Mark pulls away only slightly, pulling your seated body out from the table so that he can spin you around to physically put your work behind you. He then kneels in front of you, his hands enveloping yours on top of your lap. 

He doesn't say anything at first and doesn't even dare to fully let go of you even when he wipes your tears away from your cheeks. Mark just offers you a smile with the crease between his eyebrows evident, letting you cry out your feelings a little bit more.

"You're doing so well," he affirms his thoughts out loud. "You don't give yourself enough credit for that, so I'm here to remind you every time."

And he does. 

Mark Lee has always been great at that even when you were both still friends. You were worried that he only did it when you were both still in the flirting stages too, but four years with Mark Lee and he still says the words sincerely and truthfully. In your darkest times, that's all that you need.

Your legs push your bottoms to the edge of the seat and you practically slump into Mark's embrace as you push the seat rolling away behind you. Your arms swing around Mark's neck for stability, hiding your cries in the crook of his neck. 

"I'm tired, Mark..." suddenly the ground felt wobbly, your knees giving out to keep your posture somewhat upright in his hold, “and I feel so dumb.”

Mark quickly refutes with a series of firm shaking of his head, craning his neck just slightly enough to kiss the trail that your tears leave on the apple of your cheeks. You whimper against the touch of his lips and you hate that you’re worrying the person who has proven to you over and over again that he loves you to the moon and back. His black hair fell over his eyes but it’s not hidden enough for you to miss the reassuring glimpse that his orbs gazed you with. 

"Your past achievements prove you otherwise as well and I promise you that you’re not.”

And he really means that. 

Your tiredness is physically shown further by the way you slump over his figure on the floor. Your knee isn't even supporting you on the ground anymore, slipping you further away from him as the fabric of your longer pants helps you slide on the polished floor to bring you closer to your boyfriend.

Mark supports your weight against his, untucking his legs from under him and spreading them beside your figure. Slowly and gently, he turns you around and sits you properly on the squared patterns. Similar to before, he makes you rest your head against where his heart beats calmly while he leans backwards slightly so that you're more comfortable in his arms around your middle. Your fingers stiffly grip his forearm, mind still clouded by the next paragraph of your work and Mark picks this up. 

His eyes drift up to the black font against the white electronic paper. "Tell me the next one." Referring to the idea of your work. 

He does this often, repeating the main ideas of your work so that he can store them inside his long-term memory. This way, he can tell it to you tomorrow. His love transcends forgetfulness, his mind jotting down all the main points so that you don't have to go back to doing work without sleep inside your system any longer. Mark gently sways his upper body and the weight of your eyelids becomes more apparent from the hum he lets out. 

"But I just don't think I deserve to rest." It feels like the world is too active for you to do so. "I feel like I'm behind all the time."

"You're not behind," it prompts the grip on his forearm to tighten, "but you are tired and you deserve to rest now."

That's all the validation you need. You just needed to hear someone say, with a mellow voice and the beating of their heart that contrasts your erratic ones, that it's alright for you to rest, even if it's for a while. The affirmation that you're doing well is gratefully received, but you just needed someone to tell you that your eyelids can fall for the next few hours on a well-deserved mattress, in a safe place.

Next, your voice box finally releases the tension to the air and Mark Lee alternates between kisses to the side of your face and whispers to the shell of your ear all the words that would make the tension around your body fade.

That's the thing about Mark Lee. He would let you cry it out audibly, not like the ones you would bury your entire face to your pillow, suffocating and gasping for air as you tried to keep the weight on your shoulders to yourself when you were still living alone.

The tears from your eyes are valid and so did the sobs that did the same from your lips. The world blurs due to the remnants of some of the stubborn ones that didn't drop to your tear-stricken cheeks—but it's fine because Mark would always turn his head to you, the side of his fingers brushing on your lower lid, careful to not hurt the orbs that he finds love and security in.

Mark still holds you close throughout the whole time, eventually seeing how your chest gradually decreases its frequency in taking deep breaths. 

Exhausted and spent, you managed to whisper, "Thanks, Mark." It's croaked and easy to miss if it wasn't for the proximity that you're both sharing.

"Always." His palm rests on your jawline and he softly turns your head, your ear now on his chest. Mark lands a quick peck on your now slightly upturned lips, "I love you."

"I love you more."

Sleeping is easier for him now that the other side of the mattress is occupied and that he can feel your warmth directly on his skin in a well-deserved resting position.

navi/masterlist!! 🤍 nct dream masterlist 🤍 'especially to you...'

tags: @k-films @kflixnet @starlit-network @kstrucknet @haneul-and-clouds

[mj-iza-writer]

Story warning: trypophobia and chicken pox. I personally have trypophobia, I feel so bad when it gets triggered, but I can't help my discomfort. I absolutely hate trypophobia.

Requested by @weirdthingweee

Here's your particularly miserable green cheetah.

"Master... can I, uh, go to bed? I don't feel good", Whumpee looked up from their position, "all of the chores are done."

"You haven't eaten yet", Whumper frowned, "you normally like dinner time."

"I don't have much of an appetite. May I have a water bottle though? I feel warm", Whumpee whispered.

"I suppose, but I don't want to hear any complaining tomorrow about you not getting dinner", Whumper frowned at how rosie Whumpee was, "you do look kind of sickly. I hope you didn't pick up anything from Amina's house while you were helping her do chores. I know her kid was sick. That's why I sent you to help her."

"Yes Master", Whumpee frowned, "I saw them. They looked miserable."

Whumpee tossed uncomfortably all night. No matter what, they couldn't get comfortable. Their skin felt like it was burning and crawling.

They felt itchier and itchier as it grew closer to morning.

They sat up when Whumper opened the door.

"How are you feelin.... HECK NO", Whumper yelled and slammed the door shut. Leaving Whumpee alone in the room.

"Ma-Master, what... what happened?, Whumpee looked down and saw raised pinkish bumps all over their arms. They studied the rest of their body. Bumps were everywhere. Some more blistery and puss filled than others.

"Master?", Whumpee got up and hurried to the door, "Master please. What is happening?", they tried to open the door.

"Whumpee if I see you... I will puke", Whumper warned as they kept a firm hold on the door handle to keep Whumpee inside, "I've already almost gagged twice. Stay in there until I figure what to do with... you."

Whumpee heard Whumper gag.

"Am I going to die?", Whumpee worried, "wha-whats happening?"

"I'm taking it that you've never had chicken pox growing up", Whumper frowned.

"No, I don't think so", Whumpee stepped back from the door.

"Amina's kid has chicken pox. Had I known you never had it, I wouldn't have sent you over there. It's a little riskier for adults to get them, and I can't take you to the hospital because I don't want to go to prison", Whumper continued to hold the door like their life depended on it, "and as bad as it sounds... I can't take care of you."

"Why not?", Whumpee whispered, "I don't know what to do. I don't even know what these are yet."

"I have trypophobia", Whumper admitted.

"Trypa-what?"

"Trypophobia, I'm uncomfortable around clusters of holes or similar patterns like bumps. It gives me anxiety and panic attacks. Plus, it makes me want to throw up", Whumper groaned, "chicken pox is a highly contagious viral infection. It is characterized by itchy, blistery, rashy skin. Normally, kids get it. Parents will have kids play with other kids who are infected with it, so it might spread and get it over with. My mom did that to me. Apparently, your parents didn't. I've read it's pretty dangerous for adults and not as easy to get through."

"What are we going to do?", Whumpee questioned.

"You need to stay in that room. I'm calling Amina to see what needs to be done. Maybe even see if you can go with her until this goes away" Whumper started to let go of the door, "I'm serious, do not come out here."

"I need to use the bathroom though", Whumpee frowned.

"Okay, you can go to the bathroom, but go straight back into this room and slam the door so I know you are where you need to be", Whumper stated, "I will let you know when to come out."

Whumpee stood in front of the mirror.

They gulped as they got a better view of themself.

"Chicken... pox?", Whumpee poked at their cheek.

They frowned as they heard Whumper down the hall.

"Please, you have to take them off my hands until the spots go", Whumper pleaded, "I keep gagging every time I look at them."

"Thankyou", Whumpee finally heard Whumper sigh in relief.

Whumper came back to the bathroom.

"Are you still in there?"

"Yes, I- what do I do?", Whumpee pleaded for relief or sympathy, something.

"Right now, you need to pack a small bag. Amina is going to let you stay at her house until the spots go away. There is absolutely no way I'm going to be able to take care of you", Whumper frowned, "I feel guilty on that fact, but this will be better for you instead of me locking you in your room. Caretaker and Amina will be able to help you."

"So get a bag packed. Wrap a blanket around you. Make sure to drape it over your head. I don't want to see you", Whumper sighed.

Whumpee kept their head lowered as they were driven to Amina's house.

"C-can I itch?", Whumpee rocked uncomfortably, "it's really itchy."

"No don't itch", Whumper kept their eyes on the road. They didn't dare look into the backseat.

"Be on your best behavior at Amina's. You are very lucky they are letting you stay, and are willing to take care of you", Whumper warned.

Whumpee lay awkwardly by the entrance of Amina's house. That's where Whumper dropped them and their things and scrambled out.

Amina had rubbed an ointment onto Whumpee's skin and told them to rest while it soaked in.

Whumpee looked up sadly when the door opened and a taller figure stepped in.

"Oh my. What do we have here?", the person knelt down, "Hmm, I warned them to be careful with having you come over here."

Amina stepped in, "Hello honey, welcome home."

"Hello", they looked up and smiled.

"I guess you met our visitor", Amina sighed, "I told Whumper we would take care of Whumpee. Whumper has trypophobia. They uh, they were struggling." Amina laughed, "I figured we would be a better option for Whumpee to be kept safe. Which Caretaker, I can not find the cot anywhere. Do you know where it is?"

"Yes, I'll pull it out?", Caretaker stood, "why are they at the door though?"

"That's where Whumper left them. They were told to stay there until you got home. They wouldn't budge for me", Amina frowned at Whumpee, "I wasn't really sure where to put them either."

"Let's use my office. It's warm in there. If we need something for a more long-term stay, we can clean out the storage bedroom", Caretaker smiled, "go ahead and take care of our baby and get some rest. I know you've been busy. I'll get Whumpee taken care of."

Whumpee was guided into the bathroom.

They frowned when they saw a full tub of water.

"Caretaker, uhm, I don't....", Whumpee whispered.

"It's an oatmeal bath. It should help calm your skin. I know you must be very uncomfortable. I'm sorry it's taken you so long to get some help, Whumper should have been a better adult and started taking care of this right away", Caretaker frowned, "I will let you know, we are working to get you out if that situation as well. I'm sorry it's taken so long. Hopefully soon we will get you to safety."

Whumpee nodded. They had heard about this before. They looked forward to the day that they'd be free.

"So, this is just to soak in. You don't have to bathe" Caretaker assured, "I'm going to go get my old cot out, and clean it up. I'll be back to check on you."

"Thankyou", Whumpee smiled weakly.

Whumpee lowered themself into the tub and sighed in relief. The itch felt as though it was partially relieved now.

"That... feels so... much better", Whumpee whispered.

Caretaker glanced in on them quickly while they carried the cot past.

Whumpee had leaned their head on the tub and had their eyes closed.

Whumpee quietly followed Caretaker.

"I hope it's okay, I have a spot set up for you in my office. It's a bit cozier in there. It's definitely better than by the front door", Caretaker opened the door, "it's a little more private in here as well."

"Thankyou", Whumpee whispered as they looked into the room. Their belongings had already been brought in and were neatly set by a cot.

The cot was made up nicely with some comfy looking blankets.

Whumpee saw the blanket they had wrapped around themself earlier was now neatly folded on their bags.

"Go ahead and get comfortable", Caretaker stepped in, "Amina is making both of you sicklies some soup."

"Oh um, she doesn't have to. I don't want to bother.... I'm also not hungry", Whumpee looked down, "I was told to behave."

"Whumpee, you are behaving. I'm so sorry they made you afraid of being taken care of. You need to eat though. Even just a few bites. I promise, Whumper will only hear that you are being very good. Hopefully, very soon, we will get you out of this situation. I know it feels like it's been forever. The courts keep getting other cases, and for some reason.... a captive individual being turned into a slave for someone isn't deemed urgent."

Whumpee nodded, "thankyou."

"Alright, you go ahead and get comfortable. I'm going to go get you some soup", Caretaker turned.

Whumpee slowly walked to the cot and sat down.

It creaked under their weight, Whumpee jumped a little at first. The blankets made it feel comfortable though. It was better than the floor of their room at Whumper's house.

"Is there really a chance I'll be free from them?", Whumpee whispered as they sat back against the wall. They felt tears come to their eyes. They were too tired to wipe them away.

Caretaker came back with a bowl.

They frowned when they noticed Whumpee.

"Doing alright?", Caretaker walked toward them. Careful not to spill.

"Uh, yes, jus... just overwhelmed", Whumpee nodded, "the thought of getting away from Whumper... it doesn't seem real. Even being here, I feel like they're going to come barging in and look for mistakes I've made... and punish me for them. This was the first morning I didn't get hurt by them."

"They're a coward", Caretaker sighed, "they would have expected you to take care of them if the roles were reversed. Even if you were gagging at the sight of them. "You'll be safe from them here, at least for a little while."

Whumpee smiled weakly.

"Here is some soup. You don't have to eat all of it, but if you want more, you can certainly have more. My wife is an amazing cook", Caretaker leaned down and started to hand the bowl to Whumpee.

Whumpee's hands trembled as they reached for it.

Caretaker knelt as they guided the bowl to Whumpee's lap. The last thing they wanted was for Whumpee to spill hot soup all over themself.

"A little shaky", Caretaker sighed as they shifted onto their knees.

"I'm so tired, I didn't sleep well last night. My skin feels like ants are crawling all over", Whumpee looked at the soup, "it smells good, but I... I don't.. I'm just not hungry."

Caretaker nodded, "can we try just one bite? Just one? Whumper said you didn't eat dinner, and I know you didn't eat breakfast. We are way past lunch now."

Whumpee looked at the spoon and slowly reached for it.

Whumpee's shakiness caused most of the broth to drip off from the spoon as they lifted it to their mouth.

Whumpee looked at Caretaker sadly.

Caretaker was already reaching for a napkin.

Whumpee swallowed the bit of broth with a wince.

"Can we try that again? This time, I'll help feed you", Caretaker smiled.

"Yo-you said one bite though", Whumpee frowned.

"That wasn't a bite Whumpee", Caretaker sighed, "I mean a Caretaker sized bite."

Whumpee shivered.

"Here" Caretaker took the bowl.

Whumpee watched as Caretaker grabbed their folded blanket and drapedwinced it around their shaky shoulders.

"I know I said one bite, but I really need you to take five big bites", Caretaker knelt down again, "after that, I'll leave you alone to rest."

Whumpee looked at the bowl sadly.

"I know you don't feel good", Caretaker frowned, "but your body does need a little bit of food to help strengthen it."

Whumpee nodded weakly.

Caretaker lifted the bowl and took a spoonful of soup to Whumpee's lips.

Whumpee winced as they opened their mouth a took the bite.

"Good job", Caretaker encouraged.

"Do you think Ms. Amina would make me this again when I feel better? It taste really good; I hate that I don't want it", Whumpee talked as they chewed.

"I think we can definitely see. We'll tell Whumper that these spots are lasting a little longer so you can stay here for a while", Caretaker smiled, "maybe we will get lucky and the court will make a move to get you out of Whumper's grasp."

Whumpee nodded and watched as another spoonful came to their lips.

"Good job", Caretaker encouraged as Whumpee took another bite.

Whumpee looked at them weirdly, "why are you saying good job? I'm not exactly doing anything, and I'm not willingly eating this."

"Sometimes a little encouragement helps with big task. You are still eating, even if you don't want to. You are doing a good job", Caretaker lifted another spoonful for Whumpee.

Whumpee chewed slowly as they thought.

"Why do you want to rescue me so badly", Whumpee looked at Caretaker curiously.

"Well, I feel that you shouldn't be in this situation, and it's the right thing to do", Caretaker lifted another spoonful to Whumpee.

Whumpee nonchalantly ate it.

Caretaker smiled.

"Do you not want to be rescued?", Caretaker gave another bite quickly.

"I do, but I'm not use to someone caring about me", Whumpee swallowed and took another bite.

"Well I care about you", Caretaker nodded and gave another bite, and another, and another, "and Amina cares about you."

Caretaker lifted the empty bowl to show Whumpee.

"I ate it all?", Whumpee looked at in shock, "you tricked me."

"Trick is a strong word. I just distracted you, that's all. You ate it all. Do you want more?", Caretaker grinned.

Whumpee looked at the bowl, 'it did taste good', Whumpee thought to themself.

"Yes please", Whumpee looked at Caretaker sheepishly.

Whumpee looked around the office for a little while until their eyes felt heavy.

Caretaker had covered them in a cream and given them some medicine. So they felt a little better. Even having a full stomach felt good.

Caretaker came in and checked on them. Amina followed.

"So they are really going to arrest Whumper?", Amina whispered as they watched Caretaker fix the pillow.

Caretaker nodded, "they agreed to move the case forward since Whumpee was safe. The court quickly signed the arrest to be done. Why it took so long just to do that....", Caretaker sighed in annoyance, "are you sure you are okay with Whumpee staying here with us? You can say no."

Amina knelt down and moved some hair out of Whumpee's face.

"Absolutely, I love Whumpee with all of my heart. This is their home now", Amina smiled at Caretaker.

Caretaker smiled, "I love you so much Amina."

"I love you too, Caretaker", Amina smiled.

Taglist. As always please let me know if you want to be added or taken off of the list. It's not a problem at all.

@villainsandheroes @the-beasts-have-arrived

@sacredwrath @porschethemermaid

@monarchthefirst @generic-whumperz

@bloodyandfrightened @freefallingup13

@notpeppermint @cyborg0109

@idontreallyexistyet @painfulplots

@whumpbump @everythingsscary

@skittles-the-whumpee @expressionless-fr

@theforeverdyingperson @legendarydelusiongoatee

@candleshopmenace @whumpanthems

@lavndvrr @ivymyers

@starfields08000 @a-living-canvas

@lumpofsand @watermeezer

@indigoviolet311 @whumpy-mountains

@3-2-whump @risk606

@electrons2006 @paperprinxe

@whumprince @kaz-of-crows

@mis-graves @decaffeinatedtimetraveler94

@sausages-things @ragin-cajun-fangirl

@isikedmyself878 @daffyduckcommittedtaxfraud

@valravnthefrenchie @glennemerald

@jasperthecapser @does-directions

@deafeninglittlecrown @jumpywhumpywriter

@blackbirdsinatrenchcoat @mylifeisonthebookshelf

@thenormalestever @whatwhump

@galatic-worm @starmoon-constellation

[spacexseven]

i understand the appeal of god!reader hurting fyodor mentally, like its something i look forward to reading but imagine him sobbing when you praise him even a little bit or show him the slightest affection, i want that proud man dependant on me 😁

don't worry, he already is

cw: yandere character, slight anime spoilers

spread out before you was the final blueprint to what would soon become something pivotal to fyodor's—and by extension, your—plans. you studied it closely, looking at each floor, each room, each balcony. you studied the layout carefully, and find that everything had been chosen with careful consideration, from the tiles to the wallpaper, even the tables and the lights.

fyodor wordlessly places sheets of papers into your waiting hand, without you even having to ask. apart from the soft greeting he entered your room with, no other sound has escaped him yet; a stark contrast to his usual visits. but today is no ordinary visit. he has come to seek your guidance, and awaits your decision.

you're genuinely impressed; this amount of detail and meticulous planning would have taken weeks, if not months to prepare, and it strikes you again that everything fyodor was doing now was full of determination and care, even if he was callous about the lives lost along the way, he would have done anything to ensure this goal of his comes true. you suppose your presence has only encouraged him to work harder.

after another round of inspection, you sort out the papers he just handed you, the last remaining sheets from the book that had been aquired for the doa's use, and begin to write down the existance of the sky casino. you describe everything about it in great detail, not missing out even a word in fear that something would go wrong otherwise. and as you wrote, you can feel a familiar power surge through you, and you can almost see the casino come to life.

when you're done, you hand all your tools back to him. his serious expression hasn't changed since he stepped foot inside your room, and suddenly, you're seized with a unfamiliar, melancholic sensation.

"you've done well," you fill the silence, "you have...surpassed my expectations of you. to be honest, i thought it was a foolish pursuit at first, a casino in the sky. but you have proved yourself to me with this. tomorrow we will go see the casino—together."

fyodor's eyes widen, and his lips twitch ever so slightly.

you let out a chuckle, "i have to say, this expression suits you as well."

he lowers his eyes immediately, the tips of his ears flushed red and his hands trembling, clenched tightly around the papers and pen.

"this humble servant of yours only wishes to please you, my lord. i am not deserving of your praise," he whispers, "i am not deserving of your attention."

words cannot describe the immense satisfaction you feel from hearing the wavering of his voice, relishing in the effect you have over him.

"go now," you're already tired of his presence, though this was much more bearable than the usual routine, "and make yourself useful."

he doesn't look mad, despite your rude dismissal. you think even if you were to strike him down and humiliate him, he would still not be upset or angry. but this position suits him best; not that of the evil mastermind he portrays himself to be.

no, only you know the real fyodor dostoevsky.

[every1sno1fangirl]

Happy Hifuumo Friday everyone!

Not much happened this week (Which I'm actually thankful for) besides introspection and work. I'm hoping the former will lead to some better changes in my behavior at the very least. And it very much cemented my desires for the future.

I only have about three more weeks of work and lots of things on my mind; Bills to pay and events for the future to save for. So I'm dedicating myself to that for the next while until it's over before I move on to the next thing.

Like going to community college next year.

My local community college has a good Cybersecurity program; I think I'm going to try and get an Associate's degree in it to get my foot in the door and have any kind of credentials at all.

I /could/ theoretically go through an online program instead but...

Even ignoring how a lot of them aren't worth anything, I don't think it is conducive to how I learn things. And it doesn't help me adjust to more of a 'regular person' schedule who does regular person upkeep, regular person leaving the house, regular person studying, etc.

Not that I'm going to try and make myself /be/ a 'regular person' mind you. But it's better for me to be getting out of my house more often and to socialize, or to develop study habits and keep a schedule I don't ruin because "It's not like I'm doing anything tomorrow."

It's part of those plans for the future I mentioned—a pretty important part too—and it's a big step in actually taking care of myself.

And in actually doing things with my life. If I want to be able to be with the people I care about, or to not be in distress so often...

...Well, I have to take control over my own life and stop being so dependent on someone who doesn't look out for my best interest.

It's scary as hell though, considering the statistical likelihoods of the kind of demographics I fall under and my even-worse background.

But I can't let it be an excuse anymore. It's better to try and fail than to languish and remain the same when I clearly cannot. The best things I've had in my life come from the former, not the latter.

And I deserve good things. I gotta try to get them though.

It'll be long, but I think I'm making good first steps towards it. Either way I am going to keep posting these for the immediate future, so bully me if I don't mention stuff about it occasionally, yeah?

Until then, as always, I love you all, have a great day/night!

[letomills]

The "requests are paused until I'm done with the current ones" thing was wishful thinking (a bit like the closing statements in my last yt video 🤓) and I am once again thoroughly overwhelmed with everything.

Requests are firmly closed until further notice. I said yes to the FtM hairs for anon and the Tiggerypum tunics & iamliz13 alpha dresses for children & toddlers for the other anon (I did get the links you sent to the meshes), so I still intend to complete both.

A novel's worth of life updates under the cut (content warning for struggle with bipolar type 2, including questionable choices which should not be taken as advice).

Well over a year ago I shared that my mother was going through a really bad bipolar type 2 depression episode (looking back, mention of it in that post was very euphemistic, I must have been hopeful). The reason why I didn't give any updates after a while is that there is no satisfactory narrative that I could easily spin into words. She's not all better, she hasn't died or lost her mind for good, things have just been evolving at a snail's pace through a whole spectrum of very bleak colors. She's not fully hospitalized anymore, she lives at home with my brother and me, with day hospitalisation activities several times a week. The myriad psychiatrists that she's seen have not been able to find the "right" treatment for her, but hey, after lithium sent her into such a state of confusion that we thought she might stay mentally disabled for the rest of her life, at least now we know that's not an option. A couple days ago her psychiatrist prescribed a new antipsychotic to replace the one she'd been taking. She started the transition, and today confusion started showing its terrifying face again so she's not taking that pill tonight, or to be honest ever again unless her psychiatrist somehow manages to convince us otherwise (she'll report her symptoms and get counsel at the hospital tomorrow). Her cognition is already impaired, her short-term memory and ability to focus especially. She can't live alone, I keep and manage her pillboxes, make sure she's eating right and the stove is off, that sort of stuff. But at least, until the introduction of this new drug, she'd made considerable gains compared to when she was at her worst last winter. No way we're going back to that again.

On a more positive note, about a month and a half ago I started work at a grocery delivery place just up the street (yes that's what I'm doing with my degree in Mandarin and my master's in English-French translation studies). It's intense physically, kinda stressful, and not very well paid, but I think I like it and the people are very nice. What scares me is that my trial period ends in about 2 weeks and I'm not entirely sure that they'll want to keep me, considering I've made several mistakes and they don't seem to think that I work quite fast enough (I know I said the people were very nice, they are, that's just the job). They keep saying the work load is gonna get crazier starting in September. The way they're saying it may suggest that they do envision me as still working there in September, but maybe they're trying to push me to work faster now and if I can't prove that I'm able to they won't keep me? Well I'm already doing my best, even if sometimes I end up finding myself crying over clients' items because my brain isn't able to focus anymore and I'm messing up and wasting time.

Emotional control has been harder because I unilaterally made the decision to taper off my antidepressant. Now before you facepalm, let me flood you with all of my best questionable arguments: • I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist, the earliest date I could get was October 1st (and I may have to postpone, depending on my work hours that day which I don't know yet). • I was already on the lowest dose that you can be on. • I tapered off very slowly. • I recently talked about it with the nurse that I saw for the mandatory medical visit I had to go to because I got the new job (idk if you have that outside of France). Naturally she was alarmed that I'd been weaning myself off on my own and she convinced me to see my GP asap and not change my medication without at least his input (which yes, I know). • the reasons I did it despite knowing that it's inadvisable are: 1) obviously I haven't been feeling depressed for a while or I wouldn't have done it, 2) the amount of endorphin-producing physical exercise I get from the new job felt like it could maybe do the trick so it was worth a try, 3) seeing how much my mom's medication has messed up her cognition over the years is scary. She's been taking way higher doses of antidepressants than me, along with other stuff, over a way longer period of time, but still. I don't want to be on it if it's not strictly necessary, so I wanted to try off. • I'm still taking my antipsychotic religiously and have no intention to stop that (I can't anyway or I won't be able to sleep and I'll definitely lose the job).

My plan with the antidepressant was to space out the doses and eventually get off it entirely for several weeks before reassessing, but after seeing that nurse, I started upping again to one dose every other day. I will admit, I was having suicidal thoughts after several days off, and now it's gone. Maybe I should find having suicidal thoughts more alarming than I do, the nurse's phrasing when she asked if I did - something that could translate to "no suicidals thoughts, riiight?" - was a good reminder that suicidal thoughts are really bad to have oh no. Of course I said no, why would I want her to interfere (leave me to make decisions for my own self thank you). Anyway, the appointment with my GP is in two days. He's gonna be useless on psych stuff but I guess getting his unqualified, predictable input is the responsible thing to do in polite society. More relevantly, the nurse also told me to go see him because my blood pressure is a bit low, or at least it was at 9/6 when she saw me, so I need to have it retaken and see what's up with that if anything.

And so yes, I have a ton of CC plans as always, I am positively drowning. Beside the two requests I mentioned above the cut, one of which I need to do a lot of learning for, I picked up work on Celestialspritz's beta Vincent skins and started converting afbodykimono for the usual roaster of breasted body shapes, like I did with afbodyqipao here and would like to do with more Happy Holiday Stuff outfits in the future. Although I told myself that I would stick to the body shapes that I've already done stuff for, I now also want to make a set of clothes for Lady Apple. I also have an idea about a set of scrawny body shapes for TU-EU inspired by Mrs Crumplebottom's body shape. I know Melodie9's slim family exists but to be honest those shapes creep me out and I want to see if I can do something less uncanny (it may end up looking too similar to the Androgyny body shapes, or to Faerie Gal, or it may not pan out at all, so don't hold your breath). I also want to do a ton of hairs in FakeBlood's palette + Naberius (tbh I'm still not 100% sure if I like Timebomb or Naberius more for my aliens, I need to figure that out once and for all). And of course I want to do more FtM & MtF hair conversions once I know how to do it well enough. There's a billion smaller projects I'd like to insert in between those, outfit conversions for one or a couple body shapes, repurposing of older meshes, a set of nude "outfits" for all the body shapes I do, etc.

[emojellyace08]

Okay I might come up with a rant right now...

(Warning: SPOILERS AND SENSITIVE CONTENT READ AT YOUR OWN RISK)

Just read Vin Jin's backstory and I honestly felt bad for him. Bro deserves better.

And announcement that I wouldn't write Taejin because he's a messed up motherfucker. I kind of cringe when one time I wrote something for him before it was revealed what kind of person he really is (he r**** Vin's sister). I would make edits and remove him. I also wouldn't write for the fake Baek Hangyeol (the fake doctor). Probably other characters as well? I don't know I might take considerations but I would be picky choosing what to write.

So far I will write for J-High, Big Deal, God Dog, Vin Jin, (I like writing good and sane characters lol) probably Gun and Goo? James might be considered but I'll still think about it (if he's ever really Charles Choi's second body I would go nuts and won't write him anymore since it will be very fucking weird). For Workers I am really picky as well.

I might be picky doing writing with the other characters.

And for the request and posting schedule!

I would write fluff, aus (I really love the crossovers and requests you guys make. I might do a zombie one with my own art since I'm in my L4D phase rn lol) and angst (probably less smut but that doesn't mean I won't write it anymore, I would just be picky about what lies on that category and if it is morally acceptable).

And I won't write weird ass stuff either.

Posting schedule isn't finalized yet but either around Thursday to Sunday (depends when I'm active). But I'll be probably be posting in Fridays first? I'm busy with my personal life right now.

Request Lists (that I haven't done yet)

Lookism (J-High AU) with reader (Part 2 for the Gen 0 ver.)

Fem! Gojo Reader x Lookism (Part 2)

Johan x Female Reader (feel free to add more information about how I will write it).

Gun x Female Reader (requested by rukuk)

(Feel free to add ideas if I left something on the list and requests might be done REALLY late since I got to focus on my studies. But I'll prioritize the other first requests before doing the others. But I already have saved drafts, just unfinished).

I'll try to post maybe later or tomorrow (I'm cramming right now so yeah. Wait for other announcements and posts for now. Thank you!)

[hyperfixation-train-station]

Chapter 3

✧ Word Count: 2535 words

✧ Author’s Note: I have some more time off of school then I thought so I should be able to write more ♡

✧ Summary: After being picked up by her previous knight in shining armour from the infirmary, Wyn receives a tour of the Dauntless compound and her new room, to which she realizes Eric is her roommate. As training starts tensions begin to fly between Eric, Wyn, and the other initiates. 

✧ Warnings: foul language

✧ Tag List: @mischief-merlyn

I wake up met by an unfamiliar face in an unfamiliar surrounding with a pounding headache. I let out a groan as I open my eyes and quickly shut them again due to the lights.

“Oh you’re awake, sorry about that let me turn off the lights for you” an unknown voice says from the corner of the room, I hear the lights switch off and open my eyes to see an older woman with a short grey bob hair cut and a black shirt on that says nurse across it. I pause and think back to how I ended up here in the first place, but all I remember is looking at Eric and then being knocked off the ledge of the roof with Eric falling right behind me… oh wait and I smacked my head off his hard ass head, I assume that is why I am here.

“I’m here because Eric’s hard ass head gave me a concussion didn’t it, that's why there are two of you right?” I ask the nurse, to which she burst out laughing while nodding her head

“You know that isn’t really how I described what happened, but it is not my fault I have dense bones” I hear Eric say, I jump not knowing he was here, I turn to see him standing in the other dark corner parallel from the nurse

“Isn’t it bad to scare people who are injured, what are you doing lurking in the dark scaring the shit out of poor patients who got concussed because of your skull hmm?” I ask him while putting my hands on my hips, I can tell that people don’t usually talk to Eric like this due to the nurse's reaction of finding this the funniest thing she has ever seen in her life. I see Eric shake his head and hide a smile, then he turns to the nurse and asks

“Is she all good to go? I got the medications and rundown of what to do from the other nurse at the front”

“She is all yours Eric” the nurse says, she waves at me and makes her exit. I continue to study Eric, he can’t be much older then me, he has many more tattoos now then when I saw him last, but the thing that stand out the most are his eyes, they are such a light blue and seem to be as cold as ice, they almost remind me of a frozen over lake, very pretty, but also very dangerous.

“Good to know you think my eyes are pretty sweetheart” Eric says with a shit eating grin on his face, 

“Well fuck, I said that out loud didn’t I” I say, seeing Eric nod. I feel my face heat up as I mutter a quick ‘kill me’ under my breath.

“Since you missed the tour of the complex with the other initiates, I’ll show you around the complex now so you don’t get lost on the way to training. Your training will be set up a little differently than the others for the first week due to the concussion you have, but I was told that the seeing multiples of things should be gone by tomorrow.” Eric says. I try to get off of the bed, but somehow my foot got stuck in the sheet to which I started to fall off the bed, Eric managed to catch me before I hit the floor again and sighed “And please try not to fall anymore” He says, to which I send him a salute back, too embarrassed to speak.

Eric leads me out of the infirmary stating that I now already know where this is, he mentioned that we were walking to the Pit, to which he said is the heart of all Dauntless life. On the way towards the pit he points out clothing shops, tattoo parlors and piercing shops. During this he explained that as an initiate I have a certain number of points assigned to me weekly that we use to buy the items in the store, after initiation if I pass he said the number of points you get goes up, but also depends on your job. We stop in to one of the clothing shops and get my free initiation black clothing. I am quite happy with the amount of items they provide us with, Eric sends me off to a change room to change into black clothing. Once I changed he led me down a hallway to an incinerator where I threw in the last thing that connects me to Candour, my old white clothes. I can’t help but grin as I watch them go up in flames.

“You okay?” Eric asks while seemingly trying to stare into my soul

“Never been better, I fucking hated that place” I tell him, which gets an approving nod from him. I can only assume that is a good thing, from what I have seen Eric seems to be someone not to be messed with. We continue our way down to the Pit, once we reach the Pit I see why Eric mentioned that it was the Heart of Dauntless. It is amazing and filled with a sea of black doing whatever activity they come up with. I see some arm-wrestling, racing each other around the Pit, and some doing a chugging contest. The Pit is a vast open cavern in the middle of Dauntless, everything seems to branch off from it. Looking around the Pit fills me with an inner peace I have never experienced before, there are spots for sparring, rock climbing, and also just seating to watch what is happening or chat with your fellow members. As we leave the Pit Eric shows me the Chasm, a sizable subterranean waterfall that empties into an underground river, it is situated just outside the Pit. 

“The chasm is the source of many suicides and though to jump off of the chasm is idiotic and cowardly in some cases, I also sees it as heroic and brave. You see once you reach a certain age at Dauntless, you can no longer do what you used to be able to do for our faction, many choose to leave this word through the chasm rather than leave the faction. I see it as a true Dauntless death.” Eric tells me

“You know that was a little dark to tell me on my first day here, but I understand what you mean, thank you for the heads up regardless” I responded. We continue walking in silence before Eric leads me down the hall of bars and nightclubs.

“I wouldn’t recommend spending a lot of time at these during initiation, but they do have special celebrations on days after testing set up to celebrate the initiates that passed. You’re technically always welcome in, but I wouldn’t recommend coming to training hungover” He tells me

“You sound like you learned that from experience” I say, to which he ignores and keeps walking. He leads me down another hallway and stops at a large double door.

“This is the transfer initiates training room, it is essentially a spacious area equipped with a wrestling mat, punching bags, a shooting range, and knife throwing targets. Before stage two of initiation, initiates spend the majority of their time in this training room. The Dauntless born don’t train with you in the first stage of training, but you are all ranked together. In stage one the bottom four ranked initiates will be cut.” Eric tells me while opening the door and showing me around the training room.

“Like cut as in factionless?” I ask, to which he just nodded. I assume this usually scares people, but I know that this will just push me to place higher and work harder.

“Does that scare you?” Eric asks me, I scoff

“Of course not, I didn’t come here thinking that I could just breeze through training and get to be a part of the faction even if I didn’t rank well. I intend to do my best and be the best by the end of this” I tell him, some emotion that I can’t decipher flashes through his eye, but just as fast as it came, it went. Eric nods again and continues on with his tour.

“These rooms here are for stage two of training, so you don’t need to worry about that until then” Eric says “and the room across from it is the initiate dorms, again Dauntless born are in a separate dorm, but other then that you all live together, well expect for you right now” 

“What? Why am I separate” I ask, utterly confused

“Because of your concussion and the new treatment from Erudite they gave you, you need to be monitored 24/7. That means essentially the faction decided that you will be living with me until you are medically cleared because I am a leader and Four is my neighbour so you will have a babysitter with you all the time.” Eric mutters, seeming not thrilled that I will be his roommate

“Huh okay, well roomie where are we living then” I say, clearly the decision has already been made, not much I can do about it. I also secretly want to know more about Eric, so it seems like a win, win to me. Eric looks at me baffled at my response, I simply shrug at him. He leads the way to his apartment. Once he opened the door the first thing that caught my eye was the spacious living room area that had floor-to-ceiling windows that flood the space with natural light. Of course all the accessories are black, I didn’t really care much about what the apartment looked like, but I love the windows. I could just imagine standing and looking out at them while drinking a coffee every morning.

“Do all apartments have windows like this?” I ask Eric, he shakes his head no “What a shame, must be one of your leader perks, I'd love to have windows like this after initiation” I continue on. Lost in thought while looking out the windows. Eric hummed in response before telling me it is time to head down to the canteen to get dinner. Once we enter the canteen Eric disappears from my side to sit with what I assume are his leader buddies, I spot Four at the table, he gives me a little nod as if to say hello. I look around until I spot Rory waving her arms at me, signaling me to come and sit with her, I look over at Eric who nods his head at me and make my way to sit with Rory. Once I sit down Rory grabs me a tray and tells me what each food on the table is and her recommendations. I dish up my plate and thank her.

“So why did you walk in with the most cynical man in Dauntless?’ Rory asks, I raise an eyebrow at her,

“Well you see because that cynical asshole's skull is so hard he gave me a concussion when we landed on the net because of the stupid Erudite boy knocking us both off, so I was unconscious for the tour of the complex. And well apparently the faction decided that Eric is my 24/7 babysitter because I need monitoring all the time until I am medically cleared. So dearest lucky Eric has me as his roomie for a week” I tell her, she stares at me with her mouth open for a solid minute, until I stick my finger in her mouth, to which she swats away

“I’ll keep you in my prayers” she tells me

“He doesn’t seem that bad” I tell her, she makes a ‘girl are you serious’ face at me “I don’t know, maybe I concussed him as well and he's turned nice?” I say, to which the table laughs at.

“Well let us know how it goes, you are now always welcome at our table because we want all the gossip you get from Eric” another Dauntless born says, I roll my eyes

“That's Rider, Zane, Madden, and Malachi,” Rory says, pointing to the four boys on the other side of the table who all nod once they hear their name. Rider has blonde hair, blue eyes, an eyebrow piercing, lip ring, has a super fair complexion and tattoos going up and down his arms. Zane has black hair and grey eyes, tanned complexion, no visible tattoos and piercings. Madden has a black buzz cut, brown eyes, dark-skinned complexion and about a million ear piercings. Malachi has brown hair, green eyes, a light-skinned complexion and tattoos running down his neck to which I assume cover his whole body.

“and this is Indigo.” She points to the girl on my left. She, as expected has dyed her long hair indigo, is very pale, seems to be wearing purple eye contacts, she has her septum pierced and two nose rings on each side of her nose. She seems to have not gotten any tattoos yet.

“and Faith” she points to the girl on the right. She has a dark brown pixie cut, is very tan and seems to not have any tattoos or piercings. Her grey eyes are the same colour as Zane’s, so I assume they must be twins.

“Hi I’m Wyn” I wave at them all. We sit and chat for a bit while eating. We hear a cup bang against the table multiple times and look up at the balcony overlooking the canteen. Max is standing there with his cup in the air 

“Initiates, stand” He says waiting for us to all stand, “You have chosen to join the warrior faction tasked with the defence of this city and all its inhabitants. We believe in ordinary acts of bravery and the courage that raises one person to stand up for another” He pauses looking around the crowd before continuing. “Respect that, do us proud” He finished. The loud cheers from the rest of Dauntless ring out before they start picking us initiates up and passing us around, making us crowd surf around the canteen. I am a little concerned that someone will drop me, when I am grabbed from one of the members and put on the floor by Eric.

“Thank you” I mutter while yawning, still exhausted from everything that has happened today.

“I don’t need you face planting on my watch” Eric says, then he pauses “Alright let's go get you to sleep before I end up having to carry you sleeping again, the amounts of looks I got last time was enough, don’t need that happening again” he mutter, I nod and wave goodbye to Rory and the others as we leave the canteen and head back to Eric’s apartment. Once inside Eric shows me my room, it is small and cozy, but I am too tired to really look around at it. I see the bed and face plant onto it. I hear Eric chuckle quietly before I fall into a dreamless sleep, excited for the first day of training tomorrow.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

k, m, n, t for pd and/or suck!!! >:33333

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

-> you know i gotta say wiwi. i have to. that character was Made For Me i swear to GOD . genuinely i cannot think about prime defenders season 2 episode 39 without feeling physically sick bc i love it so much. its the only one i havent relistened to since i heard it the first time. i KNOW its gonna make me cry again so i genuienly have not touched it even though theres things in there i need to hear again for character research. his arc is so like. narratively satisfying in a way that hits me so fucking deep to my core in an extremely personal way. and like. there were definitely some Decisions that i was REALLY ANNOYING about hating when they were brought up because im used to media with bad storytelling/creators that do not care about their characters but. looking back on it i would not change a single thing about it. i love you wiwi so much.

-> FOR SUCK.... its not over yet. so i cannot definitively say. campaign finale comes out tomorrow so my answer may change depending on that but for right now i think i gotta say arthur. i joke a lot about hating arthur for no real reason in particular but. man his story is just REALLY good. not going 2 give you suck spoilers (hehe) but i also really like how shilo has grown through the campaign. hes my little guy :]

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

-> TIDE. TIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TIDE TIDE TIDE I LOVE TIDE SO MUCH. thats my dad thats my best friend i love tide so much dude. every time he is mentioned or on screen i am just like :D HI TIDE I LOVE YOU TIDE

-> grefgore :] light of my life this is how i feel anytime i think about grefgore

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

-> CHARACTER STUDIES. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. I LIKE A GOOD SHIPPING FIC AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY BUT PLEASE GOD WRITE THEM IN CHARACTER. EXPLORE THEIR THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS AND WHY THEY MAKE CERTAIN DECISIONS THE WAY THEY DO. this doesnt even go for just pd and suck this is like. true for every single fandom ive ever fucking been in. do you know how hard it is to find character studies in the danny phantom tag on ao3. nobody has even fucking watched the show how are they going to write character studies they just want (<< i cannot legally finish this sentence without getting in so much trouble) I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MY FUCKING SELF AROUND HERE. ALL I EVER WRITE ARE CHARACTER STUDIES BC THATS THE WAY I THINK ABOUT CHARACTERS. I LOVE THEIR MOTIVATIONS I LOVE TO GET INSIDE THEIR BRAINS LIKE A LITTLE PARASITE AND IT IS ALWAYS SURPRISING TO ME WHEN OTHER PEOPLE DO NOT THINK LIKE THIS. (edit im just now reading through this and realized the question says three things. i did not process that. my three things are all more character studies please)

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending? 

-> oh dude i have so many hmmmmmmm how to choose just one. i have a LOT of feelings about wiwis original death and i might write something about that when i can get over my shrimp emotions about him. dakota cole audhd truther but that ones pretty much canon anyway so i dont think it counts. vyncent and his relationship with growing up in fantasy world and then being thrown into prime and how he adjusted to that. I think he really lies shitty syfy channel type horror movies that are so stupidly bad. and also plays a lot of video games but again i think thats mostly canon already. i think tide listens to dad rock but also like. ocean man by ween. you already know about my william and ashe being each others emotional support at concerts. i think william and ashe should hang out and do emo kid things more. i also have a lot of feelings about ashe and coping with the crippling loneliness of basically growing up alone and how the pd becoming like INSTANT best friends was so much for him in sooo many ways. you already know how i feel about mark i am in the middle of dissecting him like im in a high school biology class as we speak. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i know im gonna think of something really good after i hit the post button so stay tuned

[koffeinvergiftung]

Tips for studying as a struggling adult

I often see tips for studying and building routines, but they often help me for only a day or two, but never long run. Most of them are also oriented towards students, and the schedule won't work if you have a full time job while studying.

Note: I am neurodivergent (AuDHD), and have been struggling with mental and physical health for most of my student years, to the point where I had to drop out of University to focus on myself. These tips will be a mixture of what has helped me in high school, and what helps me now.

1. Having a routine is good, but missing your 'checklist' is not the end of the world

Having a full time job means there is a 'must do' every day, no matter what other plans I might have. What I usually do is try to work my study plans around my work schedule.

Morning shift: I come home around 1.30, so at around 3 I will start with revision, or new lecture (depending on the day). During revision, I will take a break after every 'section' (for example: vocab practice - break - sentence practice - break - revision review). If I'm starting a new lecture, I will usually take a break every 45 minutes, to mimic the classroom schedule I had when I was in school. Usually I will do my Duolingo lecture on the to, during my break, or before bed.

Afternoon shift: I try to wake up around 9, and I do my Duolingo practice while having breakfast. After that I do my revision/new lecture, and I try to study until at least 11-11.30. After work I will do some more revision, and get ready for bed.

I always spend my evenings on call with my partner, so I will also use that time to ask for help with grammar or pronunciation.

This routine helps me, BUT, there will always be days when I don't feel like doing anything, especially is work has been extra tiring that day. Then I will just do my Duolingo daily quests, and if I'm feeling like it, some vocab review.

It's okay to not be okay, if you feel like you need a break, please take some time for yourself. There is always tomorrow, or even next week. Go easy on yourself ♡

2. Make your free time count

With work and studying, it's easy to forget about your hobbies and social life. To avoid the burnout, try to fine some time every day to do what you enjoy (drawing, reading, gaming etc.) Even if you spend more time on your hobbies than studying, that's okay.

Another thing I do is take a few minutes every say to tidy up around my room. Somehow ( no idea how), trash such as papers quickly acclimate in my room, so if I don't deal with trash on a daily basis, it eventually turns into a depression room. And those are nearly impossible to deal with for me.

Make sure to keep in touch with your friends, too! I try to go out at least once a week, and sometimes turn that coffee into a study session. Those often help me stay focused, and we also talk about the material while studying.

3. Mental health matters more than your studies

I often see posts that romanticise 'working until you drop', sleep deprivation, caffeine overdose and similar. Please, please, PLEASE, take care of yourself! I used to be that way in high school, and sure, passing my classes with an A, felt amazing, but you know what didn't? Suffering a complete burnout, mental breakdown, and major issues with physical health, all withing less than six months. All due to overworking myself in highschool, all due to not taking care of myself. Remember, you can always retake the exam, or redo a year; you cannot redo your life.

When I'm feeling a burnout coming, I make sure to take a day or two just for myself; no studying, to revision, just me and myself. On those days you can do whatever makes you feel happy, relaxed and content. I usually watch a few episodes of a show, spend some time playing video games, and spend some time outside. Especially if it's a nice day outside, try to catch a few rays of sunshine every day, and especially if you're not feeling well (don't forget to wear sun protection!)

These are the tips that help me now, but most of these I couldn't really implement while I was in high school. I will do another post on how I studied before (over 5 years ago 🫣), and how I raised my grades. I'm also planning on writing (and maybe illustrating) about the way I study now, including taking notes and revising.

[funkymbtifiction]

Hello. I found this post: https://funkymbtifiction.tumblr.com/post/172846700900/hi-i-just-saw-charitys-reply-to-the-person … I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind telling us how other fixes behave, especially as the trigger and bullet. Thank you so much ☺ Also, thank you for all the hard work you’ve made in this blog ❤ I think I can speak for everyone, that we’re going to miss you, but we wish you the biggest luck in life 🥰

Gosh, that was back when tumblr users actually hit the like button! ;)

I’ve had a long day and am tired, but will try. Your core is what everyone else sees in you, your trigger motivates your core, and your inferior nags you to be more something [depending on what it is] than you are.

Core (what everyone else says about you): that person is moralistic, rigid, preachy, a perfectionist (1); that person is intrusive but caring (2); that person is ambitious and driven (3); that person is elitist and emphasizes being different (4); that person is secretive, withdrawn, and thinks they alone know the answer (5); that person is reactive, polls me for advice, and over-thinks everything (6); that person doesn’t admit to their mistakes and re-frames everything positively (7); that person is belligerent, hard-headed, and wants to be the boss (8); that person is passive, passive-aggressive, or too accommodating (9).

Trigger (your instant reaction to the world; second fix): that is not as right or as good as it should be, and I know how everything should be (perfect) (1); I see how I can help/guide this person/be important to them and I intend to do it (2); this needs doing and I will be the one to do it, succeed, and accomplish my goals quickly (3); you don’t understand me and I don’t want to be fixed, you need to accept what I show you of myself, that I am uniquely me (4); I need to go away from this and think about it, study it, and reach my own firm conclusion before I answer it (5); I need to wait, back off, see what knowledgeable people said about it, and consider the right way to handle it to avoid trouble (6); this seems boring and I don’t want to do it, I need something more fun and interesting to look forward to instead (7); this is a situation that needs me to power through it, and either you can get on board or move aside (8); this doesn’t need me to pay attention to it right now, I’d rather think about something else that doesn’t discomfort me as much, it can wait until tomorrow (9).

Bullet (the thing nagging at the other two fixes; last fix): you should be better at this and less lax/more motivated (1); you should be more compassionate, giving, and selfless (2); you need to stay in constant motion and productivity (3); you need to point out when you are misunderstood, and draw attention to negative things more often (4); you ought to withdraw a bit and make sure you are really ready before you commit to anything (5); you should be careful that you never wind up alone and ask someone’s opinion you trust before you decide (6); you deserve all the good things coming to you! (7); you should go after what you want, not be lax about it, life is short (8); you should embrace more peace and be chill about things, nobody wants to be upset all the time (9).

[stressedlawsecretary]

Today's Focus

My tshirt is not an endorsement of JKR. I got it in 2004 when the third movie dropped; it is 20 years old I simply do not throw things out.

05.29.24 - Made it to midweek! We've got sunshowers today (it's sunny and raining) and my sinuses are killing me. Thank god I don't have to commute on Wednesdays.

Work - I didn't leave stuff for myself, except for like an efile and retrieving a document. I'll only have to do what comes in by email but I think SJC is back so I might end up busy again.

I ended up on the phone for 20 min with one of JJM's defendants in her new case because he's very concerned about how to mark up the complaint I sent him (95 pages of handwriting because the plaintiff is a pro se I/I), and I had to re-do a mailing from October because the correctional facility didn't bother to send it back to us until like this month or something. Oh and I had to explain to an intermediary that, because they are not a party to the lawsuit in question, they cannot just sign documents on behalf of the plaintiff.

Background Noise - Well I'm home and the DVR is still p full despite me literally getting a whole 20 episodes of Jeopardy off last week so this week we're focused on all the episodes of The Steve Wilkos Show Dad has saved back for me. I do not watch the trashy cheater & DNA shit; I'm here for the true crime ones - molestation, sexual assault, theft, murder...shit like that.

Managed 15 videos off the various lists yesterday which is pretty good considering that at least an hr of my time was taken up by my computer updating and restarting.

Study - It is visual study day, so most of what I'm going to pick to watch on YT in my downtime will be something extra-informative. To that end, I've got a couple of biography/fact-type videos I want to watch: one on the lava lamp, and the second on the real-life case that inspired the exorcist. I have a couple of true crime and other fact-type lists I can watch as well if I somehow get the time.

I am actually quite pleased with what I managed to read yesterday: two of Van Gogh's letters, three articles on the UK's Post Office Horizon scandal, three 'good news' articles, and I finished the essay on International Monetary Reconstruction. I also got a little farther in a couple of other long essays I was reading.

Extras - Wednesday is back to doing chores so I have to clean out the catbox again and vacuum; I'm also going to do some extra laundry and cleaning up in Dad's room because he lost his glasses on his trip so I have to find his spare pair. At least it's takeout night though I have no clue what I might want to get. I'm planning on watching the first Kamen Rider Build movie tonight; I may or may not watch another episode to go with it. Depends, because I'm starting S3 of The Tick as well (have to save time for silly show!) Mini-essay is done & was easy because it was about good news; tomorrow's will be harder and god knows if I'll do anything else today.

[carrickbender]

Sonntag seiben

1. September in the PNW means harvesting and putting in things for the winter that give hope that, at some point, we will see the sun again and taste the sweet goodness of the gifts of nature. This year is special because another generation of our family gets to decide their fate as either pickers or non-pickers. I've always been a picker since I was probably a bit older than Henry; My grandmere and I would dutifully pick the tiny delicious huckleberries right on the border of Idaho and Montana, and one of our favourite patches was yards away from where one of her relatives surveyed in the state lines of Montana(plot twist: it's backwards). My mom, on the other hand, was born a non-picker who often loved finding a nice shady spot with a book. Thankfully, as she and I were both raised as only children, she has become a picker because berries won't pick themselves and blackberries are awful to pick. And Buggy was such a trooper: he started off picking berries but then he just wanted to eat berries even double fisting them. Tradition can be so delicious.

2. I finished my 2 weeks at Medline on Saturday, and they were absolutely good people for whom to work. And on Tuesday, I start with a municipal organization in emergency mitigation services, which should be a good job. Its a serious pay cut from Cosmo, but I cant wait any longer. And with graduation looming for me at CWU and my MBA application submitted, my options are expanding by the day. I refuse to be blind to the silver lining to my loss of my job at Cosmo, and I am open to the lessons that the universe is teaching me.

3. So for a long time I couldn't wrap my head around affirmations, but now that I'm doing them, I feel different. I think maybe, just maybe, the reset has begun and I'm looking at how I reclaim grace. To all who helped: much love.

4. To all of you who do online tutoring, what do you think of it? I have some expertise, and I think I could parlay it into a little more income and use it for the benefit of others. Thoughts?

5. We find out this week what sort of pre-k/transitional kindergarten programme Buggy will be in this fall. And, cool thing: H was also accepted into our local college and is going to be finishing her degree in Chemical dependency counseling. Her sobriety not withstanding, she is so smart and if she wouldn't have had her oldest son so young she could have done anything. She was studying to become a nurse when "life" and a few other things got in the way, and I think how much of a loss it was, truly. So having her go back to school is truly making sure the smartest person in this house gets to use that amazing brain for good of others and not just making good stuff like the boule in the picture.

6. Jimmy Buffet and Bill Richardson, on the same day? I got to meet Bill and hear him speak, and he was truly a champion for the forgotten and unjustly imprisoned. And Jimmy... I heard so many stories of him playing the Elbow room in Dutch Harbour and Tony's in Kodiak that, turns out were all true. While he might have been seen as a brand, some of his lyrics really hit my old broken down ass self pretty hard. And like his lyric said,

"I hope you're enjoying the scenery

I know that it's pretty up there

We can go hiking on Tuesday

With you I'd walk anywhere

California has worn me quite thin

I just can't wait to see you again"

Peace be with them...

7. The agates and the quartz glass are from a local beach, and 3 generations of hands have touched them. 3...Somewhere, my father figure is proud and glad it took(and that his great grandson loves rocks and getting dirty, just like him).

If you are still reading this, don't labour tomorrow. Rest. Relax. It's been a hard 9 months, and judging by our mountain ash bushes here, it's going to be a long miserable winter. Many blessings yall, and be kind to yourselves and take a moment. If my stubborn ass can finally say, and mean it, "I love the person I am becoming", you can too.

Much love!!!!

[mistydeyes]

hey, i wanted to ask for a cod mw2 pairing if possible

I’m black (dark skinned) and around 5’7. I am plus sized but do try to be active in the pool. I normally wear glasses since that’s what i’m used to but I will wear contacts depending on what im doing that day or if i want to be extra with my makeup. My natural hair is either braided back or in twists so i can have a break from long braids or twists. I do have a decent collection of wigs which i try to take care of.

I am very smiley to the point where it’s stuck on my face. I care deeply for those im close with and my family. I am trying to build self confidence but I never let someone random try and ruin my day. I really like reading, listening to music, cooking/baking, and learning about anything (chemistry, embroidery, music production, etc).

For my future, i am hoping to become a foreign service officer or work for the cia as i study international relations and my current foreign language i’m taking is Chinese. I want to do that for a while and then transition to teaching as a way to inspire kids and help them understand intersectionality in daily life.

For my ideal partner, I would like someone who can just understand me. I love quality time and just enjoying each other’s company. I also have a huge habit of spoiling others and wanting to be spoiled almost every month. I also prefer talking in person as that feels more intimate than texting (unless we’ve been together for a while then texting is fine)

thank you for when ever you get to this!!!!

Phillip Graves (a/n BRO this man has such husband potential if he wasn't an absolute asshole but anon you sound like the coolest person ever and I hope that everything goes well with your major!)

How you met: Government "Morning, agent," the front guard greeted as you underwent security, "got a new wig I see." "You know it, have to use my government salary for something," you joked before entering the elevator. Working for the CIA had its perks, while you enjoyed a cushy salary, the amazing health insurance, and loan forgiveness, you were never able to have a great relationship outside of work. People got a little too nosy when on dates you told them you worked in the "private sector." The doors of the elevator began to close before a hand reached out to stop it. A blonde man who looked like he was more fit to be on a modeling shoot stepped in with a smile. "Looks like we're going to the same floor," he commented and stood next to you as the elevator ascended. You stood in the peaceful silence before he spoke up again. "Didn't know the government hired such gorgeous employees," he flirted and you smiled a little bit wider. "I'm sure they looked at my resume and not my face," you replied as you looked up at him. You couldn't deny he was handsome but you had been down this road before with other DC boys that weren't worth your time. "Well with a face like yours, I'm sure you come highly decorated." God this man was a smooth talker. As you came closer to your destination, he sighed dreamily. "The name's Phillip, hope to see you around, doll face," he winked at you before exiting. It wasn't until later that day when you entered a debrief with your superiors that you saw Phillip's blue eyes light up as you sat down and return his gaze.

A peek into your relationship: Anniversaries were the gift giving Olympics for you and Phillip. Every year you tried to one-up the other. Last year, you took the cake by giving him a sports car that he dreamed of ever since he became the CEO of the Shadow Company. You knew this year, he would be trying to outdo you. What you weren't expecting was being showered with gifts the day before your 5th anniversary. After a long day analyzing some Chinese intel, you entered your Georgetown apartment to the scent of thousands of roses. "Surprise, sweetheart," your boyfriend greeted as he kissed you gently. "Philip I thought our anniversary was tomorrow," you exclaimed as he pulled you into his arms. "Doesn't mean I can't spoil you today," he replied, "Now get dressed, I have something special prepared for you." Your laughter echoes through the hallway as you entered your bedroom. On the bed lay a dress that looked like it was spun from pure gold. You gasped as you put the silky fabric on and saw how it complimented your skin. Underneath the dress was a matching purse, an expensive brand you had only dreamed of owning. You opened it as you exited the hallway and saw a small white box on the inside. You delicately opened it as you made your way back to Graves. You could only hold a hand over your mouth as you saw a beautiful gold ring, adorned with crystals in an extravagant baguette shape. "Surprise gorgeous," Phillip replied before getting down on one knee. You hand to hand it to him, he gave you the best gift you could ever want.

[st4rmika]

1st february, 2024

i was supposed to wake up at 6:30 am today but leaving my blanket is like the top 10 most difficult things to do, especially early in the morning. Anyways, i got out of bed at 7, brushed my teeth, did the gua sha journaled and completed my morning routine. i’m proud of this because i always wake up way too late and then i have ro rush to college, so i don’t usually have time to do my morning routine.

i used to be a really messy person, i recently started making my bed first thing in the morning, created a morning routine, started drinking green tea in the morning and i have to say it makes me feel very fulfilled and happy.

today was not one of the best days, my test didn’t go very well but it is no longer in my control so i choose to not think about it anymore. i have another test in the morning, i am almost done with the prep however some of the subtopics still need reviewing. no worries though, i will just wake up early in the morning and go through them.

i have decided that i want to be happy now. happiness is not dependent on your situation or on a person. infact it’s quite dangerous if your happiness is a dependent on someone or something because it can be taken away from you. if i am in control of how i feel and how i think, from now on i will try my best to only focus on the beautiful aspects of life. even your darkest moments are beautiful you just need to focus a little harder to notice it and make sure your eyes never look away until the beauty consumes you and it is all you see no matter where you look.

make sure to hold on to some of that darkness too, otherwise you’ll forget how to search for your own happiness, the beauty living inside of you.

no one can take away your light, the beautiful light inside you will burn away all the undeserving ones. it is okay to grieve them but do remember the absence of them means lesser obstacles to stop your light from reaching the ones that actually deserve it.

anyways back to studies, i might take a rest day tomorrow to clear my mind. i have many lectures to catch up to, i’ll finish them by next week hopefully. i also made myself some amazing coffee today and went grocery shopping with my mom. it was tiring but i got to see the beautiful sunset so it was worth it :D

[emotionalvulcan]

yayyy vent time and by vent time I mean complaining-about-ib-econ-and-my-unfortunate- and-horribly-catastrophic-choice-in-picking-that-class time

so was it the worst choice I've ever made in my life?...

most likely

number 1 factor in my annoying period of extra depression² ?...

mhm yes

do I have an exam tomorrow that I am not at all equipped to do?...

absolutely

is there blood rushing in my ears with no signs of stopping?...

seems like it

are my nails and surrounding skin destroyed?...

of course, you best believe it

am I also procrastinating writing this stupid paper II mock exam that is like ¼ complete?...

unfortunately yes (pls end me, what a horrible fate awaits me)

should I have listened when the smartest person I know told me to switch out of this class?...

yes I really fucking should have they were right like always fuck

this isn't even accounting for the other horrifying stress that are in store for me

yes most of the suffering ends friday but that also means that I have until friday to not get fucked.... now lets see what awaits me

ah yes just your usual 1,000 words part ⅔ of my extended essay of which my diploma depnds on and then oh wow would you look at that... another like 1,000 word econ essay which... no way... my diploma also depends on... not to mention my usual list of homework

and now for an even sooner due date of lovely good old wednesday of which i have to finish 10 whole pages of a review packet for apush

opps and what's this... I have to go work at the library for some stupid 100 community hours that... wait... what's that?... my diploma also depends on? who would've guessed... this is literally so stupid what

I hate the public school sy- nono I hate the school system in general

especially ib

like I'm so sorry I have a life and am too stupid in math and don't understand a bunch of graphs

I do not care for your stupid knowledge

what I want to learn I will do so on my own and enjoy my time exponentially more than I ever would by sitting in your horrid prisons of paper and concrete

its funny too because I remember complaining to my mother about ib and telling her that I wanted to and that I could switch academies

then she offered

and wanting to be all strong and brave and whatever other bullshit I was feeling at the time

I chose to stay in it thinking i could do this alone

well would ya look at that losers

guess who's the one losing out in the end

the one time I didn't follow through with my cowardly coping mechanisms of running away from my problems

and what do I get for it?

tears in my face?

ridiculous

well actually the 2 times (not running from ib and not running from ib econ)

only need 3 more for it to be part of one of those fics "the 5 times blank did this and the one time blank did it back"

funny how it'll be over so soon but it sure doesn't feel like it

funny how it all feels so right and yet so wrong at all the same times and sometimes they just take turns

how I can be happy for such few days on the weekends when I get some breaks and then the weeks feel like nonstop punches to the gut

beyond elated for thanksgiving break since they give us a whole week off this year

only thing is...

that's next week

so it's almost like I have to get shot in the face before i can properly rest for a short while

watch me write more in this short time span than I ever will for my stupid paper II or aa2

also wtf I just spent like the last 30mins writing this I'm going to fail my exam tomorrow because I still have to finish the mock exam and then study