#today was a good rest day though
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[ @orvwomenweek ] ljh + childhood || day 2
#omniscient reader's viewpoint#orv#lee jihye#ljh#orvww#AGHHHHHHHHHH [RIPS MY SHIRT OFF]#conceptualized sketched developed and colored this mostly within 2 classes.#still just barely made it within the day#CHRIST. i was scaring my classmate w how frantically i was drawing#i went from having noooo idea what to do for today to being very ambitious. ehe#na bori cameo btw#also woe. lee jihye design hc be upon ye (its very slight though)#i gotta rest my wrist now. GOOD NIGHT
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Happy [depending on your timezone belated-] 2nd birthday CCCC!!
I gotta eep now, but I might add some more thoughts tomorrow ^^
For now, thank you CCCC for being my intro to Chonny Jash, and thank you cj for all the awesome community and inspiration and joy you’ve brought me and so many other people. Your music and characters will always hold a special place in my Heart [haha] <33
#chonny jash#cj mind#cj heart#cj soul#cj whole#cj harmonia#chonny’s charming chaos compendium#cccc#what who me? hide Pink Whole propaganda in my cccc anniversary artwork?? never ……#listened to the album in its entirety in order for the first time while making it and oooohhh the Thoughts about it#it was a great experience I feel bad I didn’t do it sooner lmao#anyways yayayayy !! happy birthday cccc <3333#there’s some fun details I added but I’ll probably just elaborate tmrw :]#appalling mustelid tornado#edit: adding some extra little details/thoughts because I’m rested now yay :D#I was careful to make sure to include 2 qualities from each of hms !#heart: blindfold and wings mind: crown and mechanical hands soul: mask and trident :)))#i guess this could count as a Whole/Harmonia design ??? I would call this Harmonia and Not Whole . very much just HMS combined into#one Being but like . not the thing that sings banana man and haiku and hidden in the sand n stuff yknow?#I originally had the colors more organized like . the hands and crown/head area were blue and the masked half of the face was red n stuff#but it didn’t look as good so it’s all just super liquified and blurred together now lol#Im actually pretty fond of how this turned out ^^#all of hms’s colors are included in the background with Soul being the spotlight Mind being the bottom gradient and Heart being the overall#background color#I would give some fancy symbolic explanation for this but I won’t lie . there isn’t any lol it’s just what I thought would work well :’))#if you can find meaning in it that’s great though !!!#I realized earlier today [day after I posted this] I forgot to add line weight to the trident which makes me kinda sad but WE BALL !!!#I would’ve added more symbolism in the patterns but I was super tired and had a headache when I did them 😭#oh and the trident !! it’s totally split up for epic symbolic reasons about the ending of the violence and the relationship between hms#and not because I fucked up the post real bad and couldn’t make it work properly with the trident intact dw about it trust chat
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woke up with the intention to be productive and have a good week. unfortunately I just have the saddies now and I lack motivation to do anything
#cherry chats 🍒#ranting in the tags#please feel free to ignore but I just need to vent#I’m so burnt out w school and work it’s not even funny#I have the rest of the week off after tmrw#but I still have assignments and now this instructor is telling me I’ve been formatting my papers wrong???? so I got a B on it#and im just not in the mood for the bullshit bc the last time a professor did this#we found out he was using AI to grade our papers and our entire class almost got kicked iut for plagiarism#and then I’ve been waiting to have surgery on my knee for almost a yr now and I’ve been bounced from doctor to doctor#I literally went to an appt Thursday to sit in an office an hr away when I told them I didn’t want to drive that far in the first place#only for this dumbass to tell me he needs more testing and imaging#even though when he left the old practice I was seeing him at he was ready to schedule for operation#BUT NOW HE WANTS TO TELL ME THIS AND I WONT BE SEEING HIM FOR ANOTHER MONTH??#I said fuck it and got a new dr at the same place I started seeing him#I’m just so tired of waiting and being in pain#I want my life back fr#I want to go to the gym and shopping by myself again#I also miss running my business but I hated my products#but I’m scared to bring it back bc idk where to start#sigh anyways#i’m sorry#hope y’all have a good day today 🫶🏾
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everyone: oh you're so lucky you get to stay home all the time!
me, chronically ill: ah. yeah. haha. lucky. i get to stay home. i don't get the fun parts of that though! i can't partake in my hobbies for more than an hour every two to three days :) i do get to watch a lot of tv though! oh you think that gets boring after a few hours? haha. yeah it fucking does. imagine that being the only thing you can do and then tell me how lucky i am
#cfs/me#fibromyalgia#chronic illness#functional neurological disorder#chronic pain#wrote 1k words in two sessions (15 min each) and then dared to take a full hour to start painting the back patch of my battle vest yterday#body didn't like that! it's also raining today so not only is the arm i painted with excruciatingly painful but so is the rest of my body!#staying home is so so so so so so fun haha isn't it when you literally can't do anything to alleviate the boredom!#i can't do shit i love all day every day. stay home for a week doing nothing and then tell me how lucky i am.#having a really rough day. yesterday was good so apparently i can't have more than one good day a week.#i also have to keep taking language classes if my residency gets sorted to receive aid even though we're moving#so what little i have to put towards things i enjoy i now have to divide towards class work too.#i've cried three times today i'm just so fucking tired and sad and it's so unfair i can't even do the stuff that brings me joy#brain so fried today i couldn't listen to music with my new headphones i've lived in for almost week. i'm that fucking spent today.#isn't that fun isn't it so fun to deal with this rather than going to work#god#i'd give fucking anything to not be like this i just want to not have to figure out what to spend my energy on#and i don't want to have to sacrifice the time i could put towards things that bring me joy#this is not living. for three years it's been oh i can do this when i get better or i could do that when i get better#doesn't seem like i'm getting better any time soon and in the meantime i can't even do things that make me happy.
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myd.ei is being officially added to the blog!
#❛ ♡ › jupiter : 𝐨𝐨𝐜.#GOOD EVENING ... i have spent about 3 hours in the latest tb mission (got up to where they asked if i would like to join them#... ofc red button instinct had me pressing. leave-- FHDSJAK )#but have finished my playthrough for the day there.#I LOVE ... MY.DEI THOUGH. i honestly cannot wait to learn more about him. i thought i would want to add pha.inon but honestly the times ive#met him has made me so :D <3#i can take the time to go through the rest of it and analyse him further as a muuuuuuse <:)#as i now begin writing and focusing on other things#played hs.r for 5 1/2 hours today i feel so (screams)
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I'm probably gonna delete that original post bc I feel horrible for bashing someone I love on the internet skslfndkfns. like, I may not agree with my mom and her mindset and the way she goes about things sometimes, but I have great respect for her and I think she can be a very wise, reasonable person. yes, we have issues, SHE has issues, but that's the nature of humanity, and I think instead of getting angry and swearing up a storm about it I probably should try to show a little more grace and empathy.
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look at the temperatures for the week you guys im killing myself
#gu6chan's musings#ITS ALMOST *MAY*........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#the better but also worse part is that the rest of this week was an improvement from today 😔 especially the wind bc HOLY shit#i literally couldn't ride my bike coming back home from work bc the wind was blowing in the opposite direction SO HARD I COULDN'T USE THE#PEDALS????? worst yet my hair was a MESS bc of all the days i forgot my hairtie....... misery#and the morning was so NICE too!!!! like i went out and it was peaceful and golden and warm and i was like 'oh man todays gonna be so nice'#fast forward several hours later and its grey and the temperature's dropped back to nothing 😭 JUST ONE GOOD DAY; I BEG.......#anyways it was so outlandishly bad i figured before i fell asleep i'd better check the temp tomorrow and :') gods; help me....#(Also i lied i didnt end up playing euphoria like i said i just listened to the fraternite ost and spoke with my sister instead lol)#(i will tomorrow though!!!! ....i hope)
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..
#difficult day today :'((#i can imagine and think of nice good things though...#fancy soap in fun shapes... glass block windows... stained glass lamp in earthy colors....#um sandstone relief patterns in the wall like the ones at the second childhood pool...#um it is raining and windy outside which is a little scary but it could also be nice and calming especially if still happening when go sleep#um my foster cat lets me pick her up and hold and hug her and she hugs me back and purrs extra hard to help calm me down...#um little ceramic bowls and cups and platters with paintings on them...#i could make herbal tea and put it all together myself i could even go out and#try to find tea bags and make some individualized tea bags for friends#but oh i wanted to do similar a while ago of making sensory keychains and then forgot and got overwhelmed oh no :'((#well maybe next time go to favorite tea store can buy their empty tea bags super easy...#my post#today scary and hard but will rest and stay home even if don't want to feeling ashame....
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Quinn~ You liked my post about potentially bothering people after my nap. Does that mean you wish to be bothered? My nap is done now (and would you believe they started drilling into the bricks behind my bed and the floor from under my bed again part way through my nap for like ten minutes before stopping?? It was super obnoxious and i may have contemplated violence 😀don't worry no rude maintenance men were hurt. this time.)
HIIII MY ROSSI HI YES COME OVER COME BOTHER ME (EVEN THOUGH YOU NEVER BOTHER ME EVER BC I LOVE YOU) !!!!!!!!!!! HOW WAS YOUR DAY (besides the fucking . DRILLING?????? HELLO?????????) BUT WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO HOW ARE YOU TELL ME EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also i will beat up any noisy maintenance men for you i will be your sword 🫡🫡🫡🫡🫡🫡
#CKDKKCKDKCKFKFN IM SORRY THOUGH THATS ASS#I HOPE THE REST OF YOUR DAY WAS GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!#i just got home from class and am contemplating dinner :33 my allergies are very bad today but i don’t wanna take meds for it#so we shall see :33 quinn may need a benadryl later FJDKCKDKFJD#BUT FOR NOW!!!!!!! we persevere!!!!!!!!!!#MWAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#q answers#rossi <3
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google search how to talk about a character without feeling like a dumb stupid fucking idiot
#yknow i had a whole rant typed out in the tags about how im always second guessing myself about character interpretations#and how i believe im genuinely too fucking stupid for any fandom ever bc im probably misinterpreting so many things#which is why im a lot less vocal on here that id like to be bc i dont want to bother anyone with my dogshit takes#but like lets be real no one wants to read that and that whole train of thought was so unhelpful and whiny#also im probably having That One Day in The Week™ today so i should just chill the fuck out#<- for context a piece of me-lore here: i've come to dub this day my Viktor day#as in the day i have every week where i just feel so bad that id like to remove my ability to feel any emotions at all#ive had that thought a lot before i even got into his lore but then i read it and i felt so seen adkjfg#its just one day its not always on the same day and im fine for the rest of the week but yea thats besides the point#the point is... idk what the point is. smth smth i always feel like an outsider#even though i dont make much of an effort to put myself out there#bc there must be a good reason why ive always been an outsider right? like there must be something wrong with me <- i love cyclical thinkin#anyways deleting this later sry ill get over it
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Bouncing back and forth between "the best I've ever felt in my life" to feeling like I'm being hunted like a wild animal
#the ratio is pretty good though!#I'm only going anxiety mode like once a week#to feeling great the rest#unfortch it's a “hunted for sport” day today!#can't win 'em all
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i would really appreciate it if i didn't have a brain that thought torturing me was a helpful response to being scared of us. im your copilot stop fucking tazing me you dick
#good fucking god. im going to crawl out of bed now that was all so pointless#what they never tell you about mental illness is what a massive waste of your time it is. jfc you stupid asshole#i hate you intrusive thoughts i hate you i hate you i hate you. die.#all the rest of it too tbh but those in particular. haunted by the knowledge that i will never be able to fight my limbic system or whateve#like brass knuckle fucking bike chain with the lock on bat with nails in it etc. absolutely sick of that guy idc how sympathetic he is#that motherfucker needs to pay for what he's done to me and im not joking even a little bit#ugh im going to go distract myself with something stupid now. whatever#edit im adding in some of the good things that happened today bc it was actually good and i feel better now :v#we got our first proper snow of the season so i got to go walk around in that. twas beautiful and my dogs were very cute#the last couple of times it snowed here i was too depressed/burnt out/whatever to like. go have fun in it#and it's our first snow w hoagie obviously (and maybe his first snow bc he's like. 1 y/o)#im still on break and ive been vaguely if not very un-vaguely tormented by the prospect of registering for classes#even though i think they start in like. 2 days.#combined w the need to do like. a comedically large amount of dishes. like nothing to eat on for days bc of my ass amounts#am i registered for classes? no. but im working on the unforseen obstacle in question and i feel better bc of that#waiting on an email feels a lot comfier than sitting on smth very urgent without knowing its exact deadline (<- too scared to look) unable#to bring yourself to do it yknow? and the dishes got done. small miracles#like today was good my brain just ambushed me again
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good morning!! merry christmas <333
#so we're definitely gonna go look at lights tonight (which hopefully it doesn't rain)#i also vaguely wanna write today but maybe just a little#today should be relaxing after all ^^#will probably spend the rest of the day reading#though i should watch a christmas movie or something ^^#anyways~ i hope today/tonight's good to you!! <333#morning rambles
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me: idk if I qualify as disabled
also me: I heard wind and my heart is racing and I might throw up
#it rly depends on the day#but i have used all of my spoons today so here we are#after a little rest i might have a half a spoon again#thatll be enough to do my nighttime routine to keep me in a good spot#i feel like i didnt work enough today#even though i basically worked from 9:30 to 6
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 🙄#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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sigh
#getting Taylor fatigue perhaps#thinking about.. a lot of stuff on ttpd#today Florida was playing in the store and the “weed or little babies” line slapped me in the face and then I couldn’t stop thinking about#how cringey it was for the rest of the afternoon#and then I kind of mentally went down a spiral of other Choices I don’t love#and like!! idk I did like a lot of songs on ttpd#some of the Silly was fun#fell into the anti ttpd tag and people do love to dunk on so high school and imgonnagetyouback but I don’t really have anything against thos#like! let her have fun! Aristotle/grand theft auto!#but there’s also a lot of other choices (specifically lyrically) that I just…. hm.#the reason I stopped listening to the title track too#there’s *some* good lines in there. a couple good lines. but there’s too much cringe the whole I can’t listen to that song#and I don’t really know what I’m trying to say. I’m not trying to say anything specific.#I’m not mad about everything and especially compared to the actual antis I definitely enjoy the album more than many of them do#but also. not like the Crowd of Swifties does#and yeah just in general. things about her behavior recently are Very Disappointing#*gestures vaguely*#so idkkk#ik i have talked about this before on the other side of the argument like. if you hate Taylor why are you still here you hater???#and I don’t hate Taylor but I don’t really like her very much either. idk and I continue to like A Lot of her music#and idk idk#I’ve been thinking this on and off since ttpd release#and some days I like her less than other days#but maybe I’m thinking it’s just time for me to take a step back.#I don’t want to become a hater so if I have anything to rant about I’ll try to keep in it some tags like this or just in my group chat#but yeah. if I am less interested in or inclined to talk about Taylor and my swiftie mutuals wonder. that’s why#I’m still 100% down to talk about the music though!!! but maybe I’m going to become one of those people who are asked if they like TS and#they’ll be like “mmm I like her older stuff”#maybe that’s where I’m headed
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