#today was a good rest day though
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[ @orvwomenweek ] ljh + childhood || day 2
#omniscient reader's viewpoint#orv#lee jihye#ljh#orvww#AGHHHHHHHHHH [RIPS MY SHIRT OFF]#conceptualized sketched developed and colored this mostly within 2 classes.#still just barely made it within the day#CHRIST. i was scaring my classmate w how frantically i was drawing#i went from having noooo idea what to do for today to being very ambitious. ehe#na bori cameo btw#also woe. lee jihye design hc be upon ye (its very slight though)#i gotta rest my wrist now. GOOD NIGHT
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i do think geto views you as the centre of his universe (/his god) but he also wants to be your one and only savior and that makes your relationship so . intense
#it’s like he is trying 2 make it as weird as possible#i am thinking abt cult!geto in particular psjdkd#though this is at least a little bit true for every sugu#he worships you. doesn’t want you to worship him but he does want to be needed by you on a structural level#*need to be needed by you .#ok enough thoughts for today …. goodnight dash <3#or have a good rest of your day :3 eat something tasty and drink water !!#ari noises ✩
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I'm probably gonna delete that original post bc I feel horrible for bashing someone I love on the internet skslfndkfns. like, I may not agree with my mom and her mindset and the way she goes about things sometimes, but I have great respect for her and I think she can be a very wise, reasonable person. yes, we have issues, SHE has issues, but that's the nature of humanity, and I think instead of getting angry and swearing up a storm about it I probably should try to show a little more grace and empathy.
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i would really appreciate it if i didn't have a brain that thought torturing me was a helpful response to being scared of us. im your copilot stop fucking tazing me you dick
#good fucking god. im going to crawl out of bed now that was all so pointless#what they never tell you about mental illness is what a massive waste of your time it is. jfc you stupid asshole#i hate you intrusive thoughts i hate you i hate you i hate you. die.#all the rest of it too tbh but those in particular. haunted by the knowledge that i will never be able to fight my limbic system or whateve#like brass knuckle fucking bike chain with the lock on bat with nails in it etc. absolutely sick of that guy idc how sympathetic he is#that motherfucker needs to pay for what he's done to me and im not joking even a little bit#ugh im going to go distract myself with something stupid now. whatever#edit im adding in some of the good things that happened today bc it was actually good and i feel better now :v#we got our first proper snow of the season so i got to go walk around in that. twas beautiful and my dogs were very cute#the last couple of times it snowed here i was too depressed/burnt out/whatever to like. go have fun in it#and it's our first snow w hoagie obviously (and maybe his first snow bc he's like. 1 y/o)#im still on break and ive been vaguely if not very un-vaguely tormented by the prospect of registering for classes#even though i think they start in like. 2 days.#combined w the need to do like. a comedically large amount of dishes. like nothing to eat on for days bc of my ass amounts#am i registered for classes? no. but im working on the unforseen obstacle in question and i feel better bc of that#waiting on an email feels a lot comfier than sitting on smth very urgent without knowing its exact deadline (<- too scared to look) unable#to bring yourself to do it yknow? and the dishes got done. small miracles#like today was good my brain just ambushed me again
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god i fucking hate job hunting. i dont wanna "empower customers and drive shareholder value by delivering products at scale". i dont wanna "join a high-performing team and collaborate with cross-functional partners to drive impactful solutions". i dont wanna "help establish a leading brand and accelerate growth in an undisrupted industry". can i just work on a thing that people like or find useful. is that too much to ask
#rambles#its a real grim time to be an avowed genAI hater in the tech industry who doesnt want to help cause outright harm#most job postings matching my skillset are either for plainly evil companies that are actively ruining society and the earth itself#(amazon or meta/facebook or google or what have you)#or doing stupid ai bullshit that *also* helps ruin society and the earth itself#or it's web3/crypto. which obviously also sucks for the same reasons. though sometimes its a fun combination of those 3#i got like halfway through the interview process with a company that was none of those things that i thought would be a really good fit#but i got the “we're not moving forward” email today- given the job posting is no longer up im hoping they just already found someone#as opposed to them rejecting me outright. but i have no way of knowing.#man i just. dont know what to do. the tech industry sucks more with each passing day but its the only thing i have experience in/skills for#if i were to quit & go back to school for something else that would be a huge gamble that would leave me broke#and i probably wouldnt have better job prospects by the end of it- just more palatable ones#like my dream job would be in localization but 1. my japanese isnt good enough so i'd have to spend probably multiple years developing it#and 2. from what i understand its a very competitive & unstable job market with mostly contract/temp work#every day the temptation to just get up and walk in the woods and spend the rest of my days as a hermit grows stronger
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good morning!! merry christmas <333
#so we're definitely gonna go look at lights tonight (which hopefully it doesn't rain)#i also vaguely wanna write today but maybe just a little#today should be relaxing after all ^^#will probably spend the rest of the day reading#though i should watch a christmas movie or something ^^#anyways~ i hope today/tonight's good to you!! <333#morning rambles
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me: idk if I qualify as disabled
also me: I heard wind and my heart is racing and I might throw up
#it rly depends on the day#but i have used all of my spoons today so here we are#after a little rest i might have a half a spoon again#thatll be enough to do my nighttime routine to keep me in a good spot#i feel like i didnt work enough today#even though i basically worked from 9:30 to 6
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I long for the belt buckles to arrive.
(My crafting hobbies are at a standstill until I can finish my gambeson)
But when they do arrive!! Watch out!
#in other news! submitted a big scary application today#will submit all of the remaining paperwork as soon as I can make final edits on Monday#but on Sunday I will rest#(and probably marinate on how to improve my writing sample)#that said this coming week is shaping up to be a doozy#every single day of the week has at least one major event! some have two!!#I'm excited for all of them! I'm stepping into new roles that let me learn a lot by doing#but also! I will Need Sleep and rest as much as I can get#and food. Gotta plan my meals out so I remember to eat nutritious meals#if you spare a though for me play pray for strength and resilience and bravery#the future is scary and so is presenting in front of strangers#anywho! goodnight#hope y'all have a good week by God's grace#alsike rambles in the tags
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 🙄#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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sigh
#getting Taylor fatigue perhaps#thinking about.. a lot of stuff on ttpd#today Florida was playing in the store and the “weed or little babies” line slapped me in the face and then I couldn’t stop thinking about#how cringey it was for the rest of the afternoon#and then I kind of mentally went down a spiral of other Choices I don’t love#and like!! idk I did like a lot of songs on ttpd#some of the Silly was fun#fell into the anti ttpd tag and people do love to dunk on so high school and imgonnagetyouback but I don’t really have anything against thos#like! let her have fun! Aristotle/grand theft auto!#but there’s also a lot of other choices (specifically lyrically) that I just…. hm.#the reason I stopped listening to the title track too#there’s *some* good lines in there. a couple good lines. but there’s too much cringe the whole I can’t listen to that song#and I don’t really know what I’m trying to say. I’m not trying to say anything specific.#I’m not mad about everything and especially compared to the actual antis I definitely enjoy the album more than many of them do#but also. not like the Crowd of Swifties does#and yeah just in general. things about her behavior recently are Very Disappointing#*gestures vaguely*#so idkkk#ik i have talked about this before on the other side of the argument like. if you hate Taylor why are you still here you hater???#and I don’t hate Taylor but I don’t really like her very much either. idk and I continue to like A Lot of her music#and idk idk#I’ve been thinking this on and off since ttpd release#and some days I like her less than other days#but maybe I’m thinking it’s just time for me to take a step back.#I don’t want to become a hater so if I have anything to rant about I’ll try to keep in it some tags like this or just in my group chat#but yeah. if I am less interested in or inclined to talk about Taylor and my swiftie mutuals wonder. that’s why#I’m still 100% down to talk about the music though!!! but maybe I’m going to become one of those people who are asked if they like TS and#they’ll be like “mmm I like her older stuff”#maybe that’s where I’m headed
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Out of context text for the night
#had a really nice day :-) but Thursdays are always good ❤️#got full plans for the weekend too officially!! 😈#and next. Monday is tricky but might go to an event. might just call my mom. tbh#then I got a trip#THEN it’s Labor Day and I have fuck all plans then 💀#so I really need to figure that out but I have two weeks#I think the rest of September I have weekend plans though 🤔#anyway we’re tackling and blocking here#I’m sure at least there are events in two weeks I can cart my ass to#gonna relish that today was really nice though. like my mouth hurts from laughing :-)#miscellaneous
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it’s not fair that so much of my memory and cognitive function is tied up in something I cannot control or reasonably prevent
#blue chatter#EMDR therapy is genuinely helpful#but I’m starting to hate how much it impacts my ability to function afterwards#I don’t wanna feel like my consciousness is detaching from reality like a moist sticky note after every session#I don’t want to have gaps in my memory for hours afterward#it’s not fair that other people inflicted all these traumatic experiences onto me#and now I have to process them and suffer the consequences#I told my therapist today that I’m angry at myself for not being able to spin enough plates#that if I had just been more attentive and had more energy and worked on my homework like I should have#I wouldn’t have suffered nearly as much from the deep distrust and constant surveillance academically#and if I hadn’t been so easy to manipulate and groom#my parents wouldn’t have had a good reason to violate my privacy and read all my text messages and browser history#I’m angry that I never earned my right to privacy#and I’m angry at my brain now (even though I know it’s unfair)#why can’t I just process this like a normal person#why do I have to have all these new scary symptoms I’m not used to#why can’t I just get therapy and face my traumas and anxieties and get over it quickly#and I know that’s unfair. and I’d never say that to somebody else.#I just want this all to be over with. I want a life where I don’t just stop functioning once a week.#I hate having to write off the rest of the day after a session because nothing gets done#and my brain turns into goo and I feel floaty and spacey and strangely unable to move or think#it’s not usually like I can’t respond at all. or pay attention. it just takes so much effort. and my body and brain feel strangely heavy#and clumsy. like I’m walking in a mech suit or something.#I want my brain back.#but I know that getting it back means doing this work now#which sucks and I don’t like it. esp since I don’t know for sure that this will ever go away.#it’s scary to lose memories of important events and lose chunks of time and feel like I can’t trust my own version of events#how can I know if I’m being gaslit if I cant trust my memory already? it terrifies me that I’m so vulnerable#anyway. rant over. sorry y’all.
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youtube
#diana's music diary#good evening friends :3#I had a lovely day yesterday...#I am so tired from staying up so late#but that's fine#it was worth it#I'm super nauseous today though U@w@U#which is unrelated but blehhh#being tired and nauseous is all I've known lately#anyway today I hope to do a thing with my partner.. she was gonna send me some things in the mail and I was gonna help her decide on what 😊#I've had a good day as far as writing and RP has gone both yesterday and today#I'm posting this a bit late cause I've been in bed all day ehehe#let's make the rest of today nice and cozy and good friends!!!#Youtube
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o happy birthday !!! i luv reading the tags u put on posts, uve got such a way with words n it puts me in a good mood :- ) hope u're having fun
thank you ૮ ᴖﻌᴖა i love going on my lil tag rants a girl has a lot to say
also i did have fun hehe, i played video games a lot earlier n then drew a lot of different stuff for a while. now i kinda got a headache n it's 1am ~ω~
#🚶🏾♀️i may have forgotten about dinner.. but i the Mexican food spot is open till 3am today ☝🏾😌#also I didn't just stay at home for my birthday i got to celebrate fr the day before w my friend ૮˶• ﻌ •˶ა ♡ she had the day off#i had a good birthday this year (´ . .̫ . `) i needed it#made sure i wasn't doing anything on my actual birthday though bc my gift to myself is REST 💀#i spent most of it in bed and it was glorious
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oooh my gloomybear corpse collab shirt arrived today aaand a new corpse song dropped fuck yeah today was a good day <3
#it's not even my birthday yet I feel so blessed heck yea#saying today as if it's not almost 6 in the morning the day after for me but still#I haven't slept yet since getting the shirt yesterday afternoon so still counts as same day shh it makes sense don't worry#anyhow#new music heck yesss#speaking of the song my fav part: the last few seconds#just listen to it and you'll know yessir#one of my fav sounds ever and uhhh ngl the simp is strong atm and I apologize#he just has a really nice laugh though simp or no it's an undeniable fact ok you're lying if you disagree tbh#but realtalk the whole song is good af and will be on repeat for the rest of the week at least#~if pain is beauty I'm a pretty bitchhh~#that line just tickles my brain for some reason I love it ha#anyways enough rambling#will try to motivate myself to draw something soon hopefully fingers crossed#something bombeep related hopefully or maybe more corpse who knows we'll see I guess ha#stream 'CODE MISTAKE' on spotify bc dope af music and also the giggle bc ye serotonin#and or click the youtube link heck yea music#anyways laters bye
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hELP CHIZUUTAN YOU’RE LITERAL COMEDY GOLD
#i l o s t it here mans i wasn’t expecting that#‘you don’t want to be my friend either right? dW MANS I WANNA BE ALONE ANYWAYS’#IM HOWLING CHIZUUTAN HOW DOES IT FEEL KNOWING THAT YOU’RE THE FUNNIEST CEC CHARACTER AROUND#relatable though tbh~~~~~ life is best when you’re alone but not lonely!!!!!!!!!#no friends = no worries!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#SHE GETS IT!!!!!! EVEN IF THE REST OF THE WORLD IS AGAINST ME IK CHIZUUTAN (kore seishun) U N D E R S T A N D S ME#omg i just remembered that today (10 november) is good friends day in japan. chizuutan you get funnier with each passing moment lmaoooo#(the song is called ‘dear my friend’ and is p much about not having friends ily chizuutan)#chizuutan chizpost
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