#to know when someone is uncomfortable without being told or otherwise shown a sign of discomfort

[thatgirl4815]

After watching ep 11 twice I have the theory that Sand and Boeing already hooked up after the first time Boeing went to the bar to meet Sand. Boeing said he will wait for Sand at the usual table and it's weird that we weren't shown their first long conversation after haven't seen each other for a long time. I assume Sand told Ray about Boeing at the record store is with the intention that if Boeing shows up again Ray would not be upset or surprised. After Ray turned away Sands gaze fell before he smiled again. For me it's the same sign that Sand is hiding something just like he was faltering at the conversation when Ray asks Sand why he is so pushy about rehab at the beginning of ep 10. I think that would also explain why Boeing really seemed surprised when at the second meeting Ray introduced himself as the boyfriend. I think Sand has many feelings left for Boeing and gave in after the first meeting but Sand knows it's a shitty move and so that's why Sand sent Ray directly home when Boeing came the second time so Sand could have a word with his "friend". Otherwise I don't understand Sands logic to dismiss Ray so bluntly in front of Boeing plus why Sand is so uncomfortable when Ray invited Boeing to his home which means more risk for exposure. All in all I think everyone in the show has flaws and Sand is also just a human who makes wrong decisions at certain times. I'm still sure SandRay will be endgame but the drama in ep 12 is about Ray finding out Sand cheated and comes to terms with it because Ray has so much "emotional debts" towards Sand, he was hurting him and he also was the selfish one who strings Sand along with while trying to build a relationship with Mew. What do you think about this crack theory?

I do remember finding it strange that Boeing mentioned meeting Sand at his table, but the scene ended there. I just wrote it off as an offer Boeing was making that Sand didn't take him up on, but this theory instills real fear in me, lol.

As I've mentioned before, I don't think Sand's behavior this episode has been the most in-character for him, even if it has been pre-established that he doesn't always speak up against those close to him. That being said, I think sleeping with Boeing would be so massively out of character for Sand. I think it's clear that Sand still harbors some feelings for Boeing, but he also doesn't trust him. On top of that, Sand is happy with Ray now, and I don't think hooking up with Boeing can be considered a mistake made in a moment of weakness. Quite frankly, I don't think anyone cheating on anyone can be excused as "a moment of weakness," because that implies that the cheater is so caught up in their feelings that they are not in control of their actions...which just isn't how things are.

Additionally, I think that Sand sleeping with Boeing and lying to Ray about it would undermine everything they worked through after last episode. The apartment fight was about Ray accusing Sand of only being with him for his dad's money, yeah, but what that argument boils down to is Ray not trusting that Sand cares for him. So for Sand to sleep with his ex in the next episode, when he and Ray are finally committed boyfriends? And for Sand to continue so casually, even knowing that he's crossed a line? Not to mention Sand has always been the morally righteous one in SandRay's relationship, but if he were to cheat that would conflict with everything he's said before.

Finally, Sand knows what it's like to be cheated on and left for someone else, so I don't think he'd wish that on anyone, least of all Ray. This is also the episode where Sand confesses that he can't live without Ray either, so I can't foresee him dropping a bomb on their relationship when things are finally working out between them.

[hello-nichya-here]

How NOT to write romance - How I Met Your Mother edition

Warning: long-ass post and lots of bitterness over a TV show that ended nearly eight years ago.

Basics for story-telling

If the romance you want to write is dysfunctional, fucking embrace it and have fun with the concept instead of pretending the bad shit the characters do is okay because “it’s true love”

Acknowledgde that your main character has flaws instead of acting like he is a saint who can do no wrong for no reason other than “he is the main character. Definitively don’t make him do, of his own free will, the exact exact same things the supposedly “selfish and cruel” womanizer does and then excuse it as him having “succumbed to/been tricked by a bad influece” like he’s child who doesn’t know any better instead of being a grown ass adult.

Don’t make your characters be annoying, entitled fuckers who think they have the right to judge others for wanting different things out of a relationship/not wanting a relationship at all. Don’t act like monogamy, double dates with other couples, marriage and children are something EVERYONE secretly wants deep down.

Don’t demonize the “evil” character of the group and act like the “heroes” being appalled by the shit he does is anything other than hypocricy. There’s literally nothing forcing them to be friends with him, so they’re obviously not as horrified at bad shit he does as they say they are, otherwise they would have ditched him a long time ago.

Don’t have the “heartless womanizer”,  who we later find out is the ex-husband of the girl the lead wanted for himself, be shown to us exclusively through the eyes of the an unreliable narrator who had motivation to make him see worse than he is likely to be (get his kids to want him to get the girl instead of the “douchebag”). Also, don’t make his schemes to trick women into sleeping with them so completely absurd and ridiculous that the audience is pretty sure that 70% of the women he banged were completely aware he just wanted a quick fuck and went along with it anyway because they wanted some dick (and because the character is played by Neil Patric Harris, who is incapable of not being charismatic)

Fucking let you characters (especially the supposed hero we’re supposed to think is the best boyfriend ever) grow instead of making them constantly repeat the same mistakes

Lily and Marshall

Don’t make one of the characters hide something very important from their partner, and then have the audacity to be mad at them for “just not understanding” as if they were given any reason to understand what the problem even is

Don’t act like someone being heartbroken that their partner lied to them and practically made a plan to “escape” being married to them means they’re not being “supportive” of said partners dream - you should especially not do that after we were shown that they took a job they didn’t like just to make sure they’d have a secure future that would allow said partner to follow their dream.

Don’t have the character who was obviously in the wrong need to be convinced to get their shit together and apologize to their ex.

If a character forgave the ex who wronged them and even got back together with them, don’t have them constantly hold their past mistakes over their head like it that problem has not already been solved - you especially not make them do that on what was supposed to be their wedding day. They can either forgive their partner or not, they can’t keep going back and forth.

Don’t have them constantly hide important shit from each other (having a huge financial debt, getting a job, etc)

DO NOT have the character who fucked up years prior suddenly be willing to do the same shit again for the EXACT same reason (”I think our relationship is in the way of my dreams and I’m now completely isolated because I refuse to talk things out with you”) and then expect the audience to sympathize with them.

Ted and Robin 

Unless you’re writing a Disney/Disney-esque romance, don’t have your lead just look at someone across the room, decide they’re “The one”, imagine their life together and full on say “I’m love with you” AND “I love you” on the first goddamn date.

Don’t have the lead stalk his love interest, and throw three parties in a row just to have an excuse to get close to her now that she made it clear she is not interested in having a relationship with him.

Don’t have the “hero” lie about having broken up with his girlfriend so the girl he wants to be with will sleep with him, and then have him blame his actions on time. “Nothing good happens after 2 a.m.” Grow a pair of balls, Ted!

If one of the characters says “You’re going too fast on the whole ‘love’ thing. Can’t we just go on a few dates and see what happens instead of already starting to plan our lives together?” and the others throws a fit, that is called “being incompatible” and “damn, this dude doesn’t respect boundaries”, not “Wow, she’s so afraid of commitment”

If you want the audience to believe the main character’s feelings are not one-sided, don’t make the fact that said feelings ARE unrequited a running joke, and don’t have the girl only accept giving him a chance after having to deal with the fucker whining “But I love you” for months and/or after going through bad break ups. Also, if you have to retcon half the fucking show to “proove” that “she DOES love him”, that pairing fucking sucks.

Don’t compare the couple you want the audience to root for to the main character’s divorced, dysfunctional parents, and don’t have flashbacks showing that the lead had no clue what his girlfriend actually liked in bed AND that she literally covered up his face so she could pretend she was fucking someone else.

DON’T MAKE HER GET RID OF HER DOGS, YOU FUCKING MONSTER!

If your lead character is still jealous/possessive of his ex, thinks he still has a chance even after she told him to his face that she didn’t love him, and acts like she and her fiance (who he says is his friend) being happy is somehow them being selfish and cruel, your lead character is a loser AND an asshole.

Don’t throw away the entire premise of the show (Ted finding the REAL love of his life) just to force a bad pairing down the audience’s throat

Ted Mosby in general

Don’t have your “romantic, sensitive hero” break up with a girl on her birthday through an answering machine, come back into her life without warning years later because he’s afraid he’ll die alone, and find out that she never heard the message but was actually told about it by her friends and family who were at her apartment preparing a surprise party for her. You should especially not make his first reaction to this new be being mad that he was not invited to the party, and for the love of God, don’t make him break up with her on her birthday AGAIN.

Don’t have the “hero” cheat on his girlfriend and excuse it with bullshit like “Nothing good happens 2 a.m.” and “But I genuinely love Robin so it’s okay that I’m lying to both of them”. Do not, I repeat, do NOT have him blame it on his girlfriend being distant when she didn’t pick up the phone one night and then called back the second she was free to do so, while he was enjoying the gifts she sent him and LIED to her about having sent her some as well.

Don’t fucking make an entire episode with the premise of him turning a no into a yes - and telling that story to his children like it’s romantic.

Don’t have his fiance, who he knows has a rocky relationship with the father of her daughter, tell him she is uncomfortable with him inviting his ex to their wedding and then have him decide “This means I should invite her ex as well”. Also don’t expect me to feel bad for him when she runs off with said ex.

Don’t have him spend YEARS waiting for one of the hundreds of girls he thinks is “the one” to be single and even ask her neighbour to spy on her and let him know when/if she breaks up with her boyfriend - again, for YEARS.

Don’t have the lead say he’s gonna tell their kids about his love story with their DECEASED mother, only for it to secretly be an excuse for him to go “By the way, I’m still in love with aunt Robin despite her having rejected me for 25 years, can I go screw her?”

Don’t act like making the characters reverse back into who they were at the beginning at the story means they’re gonna make things work this time when the whole point of their break up in the beginning on the story was the fact that they’re just not right for each other.

Robin and Kevin

A therapist who was supposed to help their patient move on after a bad break up that messed them up, dating said patient is a major red flag. It is also a bad sign that, when she cheats on him and wants to break up, he realized what she was doing to used his job as “evidence” that he knew better and that she should NOT tell her partner how she felt/what she actually wanted.

Do NOT have said therapist date yet ANOTHER patient that asked him help to move on from a bad break up. Seriously, Kevin was a creep, stop acting like he was some angel who “deserved better than Robin.”

BONUS: How NOT to break up a couple - Barney and Robin edition

Don’t act like their relationship falling appart after their friends kept meddling, and even kept them locked in a room against their will until they labeled their relationship as something they aproved of, is somehow “proof” that they’re not good for each other.

Don’t retcon their relationship to force a break up (seriously, Barney was super supportive of Robin long before he even fell in love with her, but I’m supposed to believe he’d be a bad boyfriend who is never there for her? And he loved advantures and always said “challenge accepted”, but was suddenly miserable travelling the world with her and couldn’t deal with not having wi-fi at the hotel? Fuck off)

Don’t spend an entire season focusing on their wedding, have them get married and then divorce THE NEXT FUCKING EPISODE! Why do you hate your audience? Even people who don’t want them together can see this a terrible idea.

And most important of all, when people question what the fuck were you thinking, don’t have a meltdown on twitter and say that people who think Barney can change are responsible for Donald Trump being elected, you fucking weirdo, go see a therapist (that isn’t like Kevin)

[stxleslyds]

Who do you think should be a love interest for Red Hood/Jason Todd?

Oh, Anon, you sent me a very difficult question. I have been wanting to talk about my thoughts on love interests or ships when it comes to Jason but I always end up getting scared and don’t do it. But because you sent me this ask and I want to give you an answer, I will actually speak (write) my mind.

I like ships, I enjoy romances within stories, the name of my blog is based on one of my favourite ships from a tv show that I liked. I have also reblogged content that is about another ship that I like from an animated show but when it comes to the DC comics characters that I like (Dick Grayson and Jason Todd) I actually dislike romances and the idea of love interests, a lot. In Jason’s case, I actually hate the idea of him having love interests.

And that’s because of several reasons, but I believe they can all be enclosed into one thing, Jason doesn’t seem to be into romantic relationships or established romantic relationships. Every time they put him in one of those things start to make less sense, I will explain it more in detail because I will be going through every single relationship that was, hinted at, teased or official for Jason in the last eleven years. (Yup, I have found every single relationship that Jason has had forced and/or out of place).

This is, of course, what I think, you are allowed to think otherwise.

JASON TODD AND LOVE INTERESTS.

New 52.

Essence, Jason’s first kiss and some other things.

Essence was, as per New 52 onwards, the first person that Jason had a relationship with. (RHatO vol.1 #7). They met back in the All-Castle and with her, he said that he felt, for the first time after being resurrected “alive”. Yeah, it is a little bit weird, let’s suppose that Jason was 17 when he first met her, and when I say “other things” I do mean it, the panels are never explicit but there is enough information given and shown that tells us that Jason shared a lot of firsts with her.

But here is my first complaint, Lobdell didn’t need to tell us all that, in fact, he could just have told us that they were friends back in the All-Castle because when Essence is introduced in the story, Jason already thinks that she betrayed him and the All-Castle and he repeats several times that he either: wants to kill her or should have killed her in the past already. (RHatO vol.1 #7)

So, the first person that Jason had a love and/or sexual relationship with is now an enemy through betrayal, or so he thinks. After some back and forth and some other truths getting revealed, everything gets solved, Jason and Essence suddenly don’t interact much with each other.

We get another peek at their current relationship when she shows up in Roy’s hospital bed to help him recover from his injuries. There Jason says that she was his first kiss and that even though they have chosen different paths and they have tried to kill each other a few times they are still there for each other.

Wow, what a lovely message Lobdell, two people who have tried to kill each other and have an overall nasty/manipulative relationship, are still there for each other, which is what truly matters. Give me a break Lobdell, what is this? I understand this book is old by now but this narrative is not cute or special. They barely trust each other and they have been more than willing to kill each other but they are still on good terms, yay! Shut up.

Isabel, the flight attendant that may be a little too pushy at times.

Us and Jason met Isabel, the flight attendant when Jason is travelling along with Roy (RHatO vol.1 #2). Her introduction is very sexualised and Jason and her flirt a lot, he “checks her out” but he is also thinking that Isabel is better off not crossing paths with him anymore, but apparently that isn’t what she thinks because she leaves her number along with Jason’s drink. He is very surprised about that fact.

Jason had been struggling with the idea of calling Isabel because he didn’t want to mix his vigilante life with his normal life, that’s why when he calls her, he hangs up as soon as she answers the call. (RHatO vol.1 #7).

But that insecurity is thrown out of the window (apparently) because he does go on a date with Isabel even though he is doing everything possible to hide his double life (RHatO vol.1 #10). Isabel seems to be having an amazing time and as they reach Jason’s hotel, he offers to call her a cab, which means “date is over I want to go home”, but Isabel has other ideas she starts pushing him and saying maybe I don’t want to leave just yet and Jason is a little uncomfortable but Isabel just kisses him. Yeah, non-consensual kissing happens and this is the first (but not last) time it happens. The kiss is interrupted by someone else and the whole thing ends up with that someone (Orc), Kory, Roy and Jason talking.

Jason was so ready to make Isabel go at the end of their date earlier that he barely notices her when Kory and the others show up. She is literally on the floor asking what is going on and Jason doesn’t notice her until after they are teleported to a spaceship. Jason was so out of it that he didn’t notice her up until Roy pointed her out. How insane is that? What are you trying to say, Lobdell, Jason is an asshole? Or was Jason so uncomfortable on that date that he forgot that the date was still going on?

After they all realise that they are all stuck in space in the middle of an intergalactic war Isabel and Jason talk. Isabel lets Jason know that she thought that their date was boring and bad because Jason was trying to hide his real life, she also asks Jason why a vigilante asked a flight attendant on a date and he deflects that question like a pro. (RHatO vol.1 #11-12). You see, I think that Jason decided to go on a date with her because he thought that’s what he wanted or to prove himself that he could have something “normal”.

When they finally go back to earth Jason kinda acts like a jerk towards Isabel at the beginning but at the end of the issue, we see that Isabel invited Jason to stay the night at her apartment in Gotham, happy times happen and while Jason is in the shower Isabel gets attacked by Joker. The Joker made it seem like Isabel overdosed while Jason was in the other room which destabilised Jason a lot. He calls the cops and she is taken to the hospital after Jason leaves the apartment. (RHatO vol.1 #14-15) The last time we see her she is in the hospital recovering.

A long time passes by and we only see Isabel again when RHatO changes writers for a few issues, the author of Isabel’s comeback is Tynion. We see Isabel entering her home after a date, when she goes inside, she notices some weird robots and those things were put there by Jason who wanted to invite her to a private resort as a date. (RHatO vol.1 #28). Isabel decides to go and when Jason gets too wound up and is ready to kiss her, she tells him that he needs to slow down because a long time has passed since they last saw each other and she is quite mad that because they went on one date and she ended up on space for days and then got attacked in her own home. Jason is a bit taken aback by what she says but he doesn’t get to say much because a fight breaks out. Talk about signs… maybe they shouldn’t get together at all, you know what I mean?

After the fight was over, Isabel told Jason that she can’t do this (their “relationship”) any more, but that if the fight ever ended that he could go back looking for her. So, she “breaks up” with him but still kisses him before leaving. If you are leaving someone because you don’t feel like things are going right why on earth will you kiss them goodbye? It’s not like they were on a five-year-long relationship, they only went on two dates! Maybe this is not that big of a deal but come on…

Kory, this one wasn’t a “real” relationship but the idea of it was forced.

Although Kory appears in the first issue of RHatO we didn’t know then how Jason and Kory had met. That story is told later on and it begins with Jason appearing on the shores of an island where Kory’s ship was stuck. He is in and out of consciousness but we do see Kory taking care of him as he recovers, we also see that Kory has a little bit of heart eyes for the mysterious man, but that was because Jason looks like Dick Grayson (someone who she had dated and actually remembered even though she said she didn’t).

After Jason finally wakes up, he goes to her and she gives him clothing that used to belong to Dick, Jason knows those clothes are Dick’s but when he asks Kory who they are from she says that she doesn’t know (she was lying). After Jason gets dressed, he decides to tell Kory who he is and his story, so he tells Kory “Hey, there is something you need to know about me” and Kory kisses him. Ah yes, more non-consensual kissing, how wonderful! Jason is taken aback and Kory tells him that her people assimilate the knowledge that way, Jason doesn’t make a big deal out of it but I will. Lobdell, you knew that Kory didn’t have amnesia, and you know that Kory has been on earth for quite a long time, there was no need for that kiss. As the reader, I know that that’s how Tamareans learn stuff but I also think that Kory shouldn’t kiss people just to know new stuff! It baffles me that they are still doing this, it was silly then and it's silly now, stop the non-consensual kissing and then excusing it because of fictional alien traditions or whatever, just stop.

But I didn’t put Kory on this list for the kissing, I put her here because even though it was never explicitly shown that Jason and Kory had any type of interaction, there were some hints about it, like that time that Roy asked Jason if he was mad because he had slept with “his girl” to chich Jason answered something along the lines of “she is not my girl and she can sleep with whoever she wants”. (RHatO vol.1 #2)

But that’s not all because Lobdell gave us yet another moment in which Kory kisses Jason without his consent and Jason is written once again alarmed, this time even Roy is present and he is a little bit mad because his girlfriend is kissing someone else in front of him. At that point, Jason and Roy both knew that Kory wasn’t new to this planet and that she had been in a relationship with Dick Grayson previously. Because of all that, Lobdell passing yet another non-consensual kiss as Kory trying to tell Jason that he wasn’t alone in his fight doesn’t sit right with me, it’s even worse when you reach the end of the issue and Kory leaves both Jason and Roy on their own. (RHatO vol.1 #32) Yikes, Lobdell, yikes. (This is no hate to Kory or the other women on this run, this is pure hate towards Lobdell, please don’t get me wrong, he is the one being nasty).

Rose just appeared so Lobdell could tell us that she and Jason slept together.

Poor Rose, so many female characters being dragged into this mess by Lobdell, she really didn’t deserve this. She appeared in the last two issues of this run, two! Only for Lobdell to set up the idea that she and Jason had some fun nights in the past, honestly, who let this man write women?

Their interaction went like this: “Hey Rose, love that mask” “Yeah, I’d considered a heart tattoo that said ‘Jason’ with an axe hacking it in two” “I’m flattered, but I think you made the right choice” after Jason said that last part, he continued with this, “You want to explain what you’re doing here trying to kill us? I remember the last time I saw you; you had a big, satisfied smile on your face”. (RHatO vol.1 #39)

Really, Lobdell? She appears in the last two issues; you have them have that conversation and then in the last issue they are the only ones left (after the outlaws disband, RHatO vol.1 #40) but we never see her again, Rose isn’t mentioned in Red Hood/Arsenal or RHatO Rebirth, she isn’t mentioned any other time. Lobdell just thought that Jason didn’t look like he had fucked enough in the past so he decided to let the reader know that he had had some action. I hate him.

Barbara, this pains me, poor Babs, she didn’t deserve that.

No, Lobdell wasn’t the one who wrote this mess, it was everyone who wrote Batman Eternal. I mean, what was this group of men thinking? Where they playing darts and they had all the batboys’ pictures up on the wall and in whichever the dart got stuck, Barbara will get stuck too? Is that what happened? How often do they play this game, can they stop?

I don’t remember having read Batman Eternal and quite honestly, I didn’t want to put myself through that after I made myself read New 52 RHatO twice because I had forgotten to take notes of what had happened in each issue (I hate myself). So, I will only talk about the absurdity that was Batman Eternal #19 and #28.

All of the “relationships” that Lobdell came up with, were forced or out of place or both but this one takes the cake. It’s so simple and short, but oh, so annoying!

The phrase “You will never be Dick Grayson” coming out from Barbara’s mouth and it being directed at Jason should tell you just how many levels of wrong we are working herewith. Their whole interaction in this book seems to come from that phrase, how on earth do you build up a romance from that? Am I going crazy? Am I missing something? Come on, be honest with me.

Jason being the one who makes Barbara shake off mind control because he told her that he “only remembers what’s important, like the day he met Batgirl”, I am sorry but what? I really don’t have the words, he had even said before that he thought Babs liked him because she looked nervous, what is this writing? Since when does Jason care about Barbara? They met once when Jason was Robin and she was significantly older, what are these writers on, crack? (Batman Eternal #19)

But that’s not the worst thing, later in the book, they switch roles and Jason is apparently no longer interested in Barbara but she is all like “maybe you should stay this time, Jason. Help the family. Save Gotham” and Jason says “Gotham’s never been enough for me Barb” and I am not kidding, she tells him “What if there was more…?” That was hilarious, my gods, they must have been high when they wrote that because that is just too wild for me.

And Jason, the absolute beast that he is, says, “No. Because Barb, it’s like you said… I’ll never be Dick Grayson” (Batman Eternal #28). Jason, you dramatic little shit, what is going on? Why did the writers put us through all that just to end up being like “Babs is thirsty for Jason but he has already moved on”, what was the point of these interactions?

Yeah, that’s all I can say about that, let’s just move on to the mess that was Rebirth.

Rebirth.

Artemis, a new player enters the game.

While we did meet her in the first issue Jason isn’t seen being flirty with her up until they are in a bar and Jason is really drunk, he tells her that she has beautiful green eyes and Artemis is like, “if you are hitting on me, I will punch you in the head” (RHatO vol.2 #8), Lobdell back at it again with that mix between flirting and violence that I hate so much, lovely. But I guess this meant that Artemis was setting boundaries.

Boundaries and kinda thrown out of the window when later in the book we have something like looked like the start of a kiss that didn’t really happen because they were interrupted (RHatO vol.2 #11). Jason also acts a little too cheeky in two instances in another issue, one of them was a bit funny the other one no so much because Artemis was talking about how she had let only three people into her heart and one of them was now dead and she might have been losing another one, at that moment all Jason has to offer is “about that third person… does his name rhyme with Rason Rodd?”, which was a bit out of tune of him. (RHatO vol.2 #13).

The big surprise though is that out of the blue we have an issue called ‘Date Night’ where Jason and Artemis seem to go out on a date! What? We are moving on so fast! (Spoiler Alert: Jason thought it was a date, Artemis only wanted to talk about how weird Bizarro was acting at the time). One of the things that really caught my attention was how differently she was characterized in the issue and that within the story Jason hadn’t realised that Artemis wasn’t really acting like herself either. It could have been a cute date if not for the fact that Artemis wasn’t acting like herself because she wasn’t “really” on a date with Jason. Also, Lobdell does love to hint at Jason’s sex life, before they went on the date Bizarro said “use it (the teleporting door) all night if you need” and Jason responded, “I don’t think we will be needing it all night. I mean, if we do that’s okay, but I’m not, like, expecting anything”, it was kinda funny but yeah, come on! (RHatO vol.2 #19).

From that issue, we jump to the great finale (or not) of this “epic” “love” “story”, the so awaited kiss between Jason and Artemis, oh yeah baby! A couple of issues with flirting, a date that wasn’t a date but maybe if Bizarro wasn’t going insane at the time (who knows?). This kiss obviously comes with the separation of this team of outlaws, Jason is left alone on earth while Artemis and Bizarro are swallowed by a portal of sorts. Jason finally gets the kiss that he so desired, but at what cost? (RHatO vol.2 #25). Brutal issue for Jason, it was also like a special edition because it was bigger and that makes me laugh because all Jason did in that issue was suffer, how unlucky can this guy get?

We don’t see Artemis for a while but when she does come back, she is being controlled by something and it’s making her want to kill Jason, so to shake whatever was controlling her, Jason kissed her and hoped for the best (it worked). See, Lobdell can change! Before it was women forcing Jason into a kiss, now it’s the other way around! Yay! (RHatO vol.2 #41).

After all that we see Jason and Artemis spending some time together, it looks very friendly, they even have a very nice moment when Artemis hugs Jason as he lets himself grieve the loss of Roy. Jason also seems aware (this time) that Artemis is acting a little off and he gets her to talk about how much she missed her axe. It feels like they are taking it slow, they are figuring themselves out after so long, they probably won't kiss and make things complicated, right? Yeah, no, they do kiss, but they each pretend that it was like kissing a sibling. In the end, Jason does say that he lied and that he knows that she lied to him and that was okay with him, my only critique with this is: Why did they have to kiss? They could have waited instead of kissing and then lying about their feelings, what is this, Wattpad? (RHatO vol.2 #42)

Their relationship comes to a halt and we end up seeing them together (in a messy bed, twice) at the end of Lobdell’s run. But even though those two had their fun and Jason almost told Artemis that he loved her, things weren’t really meant to end with them as a couple because at the very end of the issue Artemis says her final goodbye to Jason. She says, “This is it. The end of us. I’m not being mean. I’m genuinely happy for you Jason. You have grown so much since you started the outlaws. But you don’t need us anymore. You don’t need me. Tell me I’m wrong” to which Jason responds, “I can’t. But if I ever needed anyone, it would have been you, Princess”. (RHatO vol.2 #50).

All in all, this was the best-developed relationship that Jason had, but so much about this, one could have easily been transformed into a friendship between the two. You will see better what I mean after I talk about Isabel’s presence in this run. Maybe it is just me, but a solid friendship between these two could have been spectacular, mostly because of what had happened in that one annual that had Dick as a guest.

In that issue Jason was very jealous of Artemis having the most obvious heart eyes for Dick, she was very flirty with him and he was a real gentleman with her. When she offered to take him back to his trailer at the circus he said yes and there, as they were walking towards his trailer, Lobdell wrote the best piece of dialogue in his ten years writing Jason. Dick asked, “So, are you and Jason… together?” to which Artemis responded, “Me? And Jason? Anyone and Jason?”. How is Lobdell so blind to his actual interesting takes on Jason Todd. Aromantic Jason was right there Lobdell, but you had to push your shitty version of “romance” every step of the way! (I am fine with Jason having a fantastic sexual life but listen, Jason being aromantic was still possible).

Essence, first Jason accused her of betraying him but now *Uno reverse card*

Do you guys remember that Essence and Jason’s last interaction in New 52? Jason said that even though they were always fighting or willing to kill each other they also will always be there for one another? Well, when Essence comes back in Rebirth she plans on killing Jason because apparently this time around he was going to betray her. Their very first interaction in this run (RHatO vol.2 #35), consists of Essence saying, “I don’t know if I should kiss you or kill you” to which Jason responds, “why do you have to choose?”. Lovely, Lobdell is back at it again with his shitty version of quirky “romance”, if he is trying to write them as sarcastic, he needs to do a better job at it because it’s not a good look, and not everyone has read his New 52 run so introducing these two in this book this way is kinda not good. But then again, maybe that’s just me.

As a fight ensues after they said those things, we are shown panels of Jason and Essence when they were together in the All-Castle, they would be cute panels if not for the fact that they are currently fighting to the death. It is an insane contrast, and Lobdell also has Jason think “I was the first human trained by the All-Castle. She was the only heir to a throne she never wanted. It was never going to work out between us.” But the thing is that it did work out between each other until Jason left the All-Castle, when they met each other again they had both been fed lies about the other and neither of them seems to want to look for clues to make sure that those rumours of betrayal were true. One will think that now, one of you might not feel so confident when they think the other will betray them again, you went through this already losers! But I don’t blame Jason or Essence for their stupidity, I blame Lobdell.

The fight lasts a few pages but it will end with Essence stabbing Jason with her ‘Blood Blade’ (not to be confused with the All-Blades, those are Jason’s), but here is the thing the Blood Blade comes with a curse if you draw blood from someone innocent your soul will be trapped inside the blade. This is what happened to Essence because Jason was innocent of what she was accusing him, just like she was innocent in New 52 when Jason accused her of betraying him and the All-Castle. Boring.

Now here is the thing, Essence might be dumb or she didn’t know how the Blood Blade worked because later on in the book, the blood blade is teleported by Essence (she was still inside of the blade) to the front door of Isabel’s home. The very next time that we see Isabel she is unconsciously sharing a body with Essence after touching the blade. She possessed her because at that time she still believed that Jason wanted to “destroy the world” (RHatO vol.2 #45). It wasn’t long until she realised that she was wrong and then teamed up with Jason once again. (RHatO vol.2 #46).

Lobdell, why must you recycle stories all the time and make women look stupid? Why would she still believe that Jason was up to no good after she got trapped in the blade? But my point here is that this is supposed to be Jason’s first love and their relationship consists of, flirting, remembering the good times, and almost killing each other every time they see each other because *betrayal*, it’s so tiring and annoying. Do better.

Isabel, aw, shit, here we go again!

Lobdell really had ladies ready to appear in Jason’s life when another had just left. This is one of my major problems with the way Lobdell writes all of Jason’s relationships. It would be lovely if DC and Lobdell just outright said that Jason is only interested in having sexual relationships that aren’t meant to last a long time. Because the way they had him involving himself with women seemed a little sketchy, in #25 Artemis finally kissed him and he seemed pretty happy about it, but then she was gone and now that Isabel appears in Jason’s life again, he acts as if Artemis didn’t exist.

Isabel shows up at the Iceberg Lounge after Jason made public his comeback and his management of the place. One would think that given how things ended up in New 52, Isabel would like to take things slow, after all, she had told him that he could go back to her if he stopped living his double life, but no, she talked to him for a few seconds and then proceeded to kiss him out of the blue. Lobdell’s favourite type of kissing makes a comeback, how nice, I didn’t miss it at all!

I want to be honest with you, maybe I am being too harsh, maybe these are all “surprise” kisses but in a way, it still doesn’t feel right, this is not the first time that someone kisses Jason when he doesn’t expect it (Isabel has done it multiple times already), but he is written as if he didn’t care, and that is not good. Men can feel pressured into kissing someone or can feel like they are being harassed. Lobdell and everyone on this creative team seem to think that being kissed by someone you haven’t seen in very long out of the blue is romantic or cute or sexy or whatever but it has repeated itself so much that I only find it uncomfortable and annoying to read and see. (RHatO vol.2 #33). Maybe it was just me because in that issue where Isabel goes to the Lounge they get attacked and she is not at all bothered by it, this time around, Jason even tells her that her safety is his first priority which is quite funny because the first time they were in a date Jason forgot she was present and only realised that she had been teleported alongside the outlaws to a space ship when Roy pointed it out, but I guess Jason is a different man now. I guess he wants to cultivate a relationship with her now.

And he might because your boy asked Isabel on a date in Paris. They just happened to both be around Paris at that time but here is where Jason says something that makes me speculate as to why he is actually dating, he thinks this, “Isabel Ardila. A flight attendant. Maybe the only normal person I’ve ever allowed in my life. Don’t ask me why.”

Well, Chonky, I won’t be asking you anything, I will actually give you the answers as to why you are letting Isabel into your life. You do it because you equate dating to normalcy, but I am here to tell you that it's fine if you don’t want to date and form romantic bonds, it's not something normal, it's just something some people do. If you like going out with her because of the sex or whatever then that’s fine too, but if you have to question why you are doing something, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it at all.

Jason looks a bit uncomfortable, and we also see that he is feeling sad and lonely because he misses Roy. He even thinks, “sometimes, she even makes me feel normal”. All of this normal talk really speaks to me about Jason trying to have friends outside the job but he doesn’t know how to approach that so he dates women because it makes him feel normal. I can relate to that feeling in a way, and I just think that Jason is confusing friendly love with romantic love, I don’t even know if he knows of the existence of platonic love. A reader that understands those feelings can see that maybe Jason is struggling to feel normal when he realises that he doesn’t love the same way as others. The thing is, I don’t really think that is what Lobdell intended to do, he just wanted to push two of his agendas, Jason has an active sexual/love life and Roy Harper was Jason Todd’s best friend and the only one who is allowed to suffer his death is Jason. In fact, back at the time, Jason was actually one of the few people (or maybe the only person) allowed to mourn Roy.

When the date is over and Jason’s walking Isabel to her hotel, they have a chat where it’s revealed that Isabel thinks that Jason isn’t still living that double life, she actually thinks that Jason is only working as the owner of the Casino, Jason doesn’t correct her. And then there is this very weird line that Isabel says, “The airline picks up my tab. This way you know I don’t love you for your money”, Jason is very taken aback when he heats Isabel say that she loves him so he manages to say “did you just…?” but Isabel stops him with a kiss and a simple “nope”. Jason moves on and goes to work because he is still doing the vigilante gig, the double life, that Isabel thinks doesn’t exist anymore. (RHatO vol.2 #34).

Isabel and Jason’s relationship has always looked forced to me, in rebirth, it was even weirder because Jason had just kissed Artemis and when she was gone, Jason kind of acted as if it didn’t matter that much to him and moved on easily with Isabel, but now Jason is acting kind of sketchy too because he is hiding his double life and the last time he did that Isabel ended up in a lot of trouble. I really don’t know if Lobdell remembers his own shitty writing but he should remember this stuff.

We move on too, and now Isabel has come to visit Jason at one of the events that the Iceberg Lounge has got going on, once again Jason is acting a bit strange because he was having trouble at the time with the idea of his biological father actually trying to contact him before he was killed and he was also having trouble because he was in Gotham after his adoptive father beat the living shit out of him and “banned” him from stepping foot in Gotham again. Jason seems to open up a little to Isabel but just as he starts doing so, she tells him she has to leave. Jason looks hurt for just one panel and then he moves on with his (double) life. (RHatO vol.2 #35). This is the issue where Jason also comes across Essence and traps her in her own blade.

Because everything falls apart in what was one of the best arcs written by Lobdell, Jason sends Dog (Jason’s dog) to Isabel, so Dog can be safe. (RHatO vol.2 #36).

We see Isabel after some very long time, and she is described as “The on-again/off-again girlfriend of Jason Todd. Currently off-again”, at this point in time Artemis was back to being herself and Jason had kissed her and all that. I am just saying, Jason obviously isn’t comfortable in a established romantic relationship. Lobdell dances around that idea a lot, every time with all these women.

This is the issue where Isabel finds the Blood Blade outside her home. (RHatO vol.2 #43).

As you can see, I have problems with Lobdell not handling the relationships very well, there is no concrete information being told to the reader or the characters within the story about how Jason wants to date, we never know if the women in the story know that Jason has been dating/flirting with other women. I am not saying that is bad but it would have been nice if Lobdell just used his words to tell us what he is doing.

I feel like saying that Jason is the kind of man that looks for sexual relationships without commitment isn’t something that will break the world in two. All the “romance” is incredibly forced, just say that he isn’t into romantic relationships my dude… unless Lobdell really thinks that the “romances” that he came up with are actually well written.

Anyway, Jason didn’t know that Essence who he has been fighting against and then alongside was actually Isabel, so, when Isabel and Essence get separated for a moment Jason is surprised. After Isabel tells him that they are in the middle of a battle so she is going to let Essence control her body again, Jason tells her that he “loves her”. (RHatO vol.2 #49). Does he love her for doing that or does he love her because he likes her? Hmm, that’s a good question, it is never actually answered in comics because we don’t really get to see Isabel or Essence after that happens and in the following issue (Lobdell’s last) Jason and Artemis seem to have been having a very fun night and they also kiss, Jason had even kissed with Artemis before he told Isabel that he loved her.

As you can see, its all very messy, Lobdell really said “Jason can’t be directly or indirectly single but I won’t really explain what is going on to the readers or to the characters within the story”, and that speaks volumes about how bad Lobdell’s writing is. This man simply cannot remember the things that he writes, he literally had Artemis say that she didn’t think she could see Jason dating anyone and then she wants to date him and Jason had already been dating people before that statement was made! It was all so messy! It makes all these side-romantic plots pointless; Jason was lonely because he constantly lost his friends, then give him friends! Friends are nice DC, stop making it about romances when you can just give your characters solid friendships.

Barbara, this time the pain is brought to us by Geoff Johns

I put Three Jokers as part of rebirth because I still don’t know if that garbage of a book is supposed to function within actual canon or not but it came out while Rebirth was going on so that’s why it’s here.

Now, the whole book was bad, we can all agree on that but Johns’ handling of Jason and Barbra’s “relationship” made me sick. This is another thing that writers love to do to Jason, write him as the kind of man that cannot take rejection and continues to be pushy about his feelings. Please, DC, don’t ever let Johns write another comic for you, it’s embarrassing at this point.

But in this book Jason wasn’t the only one acting weird, Barbara also did some weird stuff. In this run, Barbara thought of Jason as an unhinged criminal that needs to be locked up but Jason had heart eyes for Barbara every time they saw each other, their whole dynamic was wonky and weird. They even fought before and after Jason killed one of the Jokers.

But that’s not the real problem, the problem was that Johns decided to make Jason get tortured by the remaining Jokers while naked, this man was found naked, injured and mentally unwell by Batman and Batgirl after Jason and Batman had a fight, Barbara decided to take Jason to her home so he could recover.

Jason has just come out of the shower, he was clearly mentally and physically exhausted, and also very vulnerable. When Barbara came into the room Johns had them have a conversation while Barbara was fully clothed and Jason was just in a towel, and he was talking about how lonely and not cared for he felt, he was opening himself up to Barbara and apparently, Barbara (Johns) thought that the best she could do was kiss him, you know, to offer support.

Honestly, what the hell do male comic writers smoke when they write? You don’t show support to someone that has clear feelings for you with a kiss, to then pull away and say that “we committed a mistake”, we? Girl, come on, you made a mistake and a huge one! But one will think that Jason realised that Barbara did make a mistake when she kissed him and he also accepted the fact that she didn’t feel the same way as he did… well, not really, Jason is actually written as the kinda guy that doesn’t take well rejection and the kind of guy that keeps pushing for something between him and the other person to happen.

This man asked Barbara three times if she could give him an opportunity after the first rejection and he kept getting rejected! But that is not all because we all know that at the end of the book Jason left a letter (that thankfully Barbara will never see) in Barbara’s door when he asked again to give him a chance and that he would change who he was for her, he would actually stop being the Red Hood for her! Was Johns on crack? He had to be! The levels of wrong that are being messed around with here are out of the charts! Jason Todd, who has different values and morals than Barbara Gordon would stop being Red Hood just to get a date? Boy, don’t be dumb! Do male writers think that we are going to swoon over this kind of writing, do they expect me to applaud? I won’t!

This “relationship” was forced and incredibly out of place and out of character for everyone and it pissed me off even if it doesn’t affect canon because the writing is bad and the narrative is worse! If you love someone you shouldn’t change everything about yourself to be with them AND if someone says no or rejects your advances then the only thing you should do is back down!

This shouldn’t have to be said!

Future State

Rose, if you know me then you know that this is just a big no for me.

In the Future State: Red Hood story we are shown in the first panel of the first page that Jason is sharing a bed with someone else. We get to know pretty early that someone is Rose. The setting for their relationship is awful, both of them are working for the magistrate, they hunt “masks” otherwise known as heroes or vigilantes.

Jason hates his job and is known for bringing his “masks” alive, Rose on the other hand seems to have adapted easily while working with the magistrate and she is known for bringing the “masks” dead.

First red flag, why are two people who have such different ideals in a relationship together? Let me remind you that the Magistrate is not a good corporation or idea for Gotham, they are basically domestic terrorists and Jason is bringing them people that are like him (he is there undercover). Jason is going against everything that he is in order to infiltrate the Magistrate, Rose seems to be having fun. She brings the subject between them without care and seems to not really understand that Jason doesn’t like the work that they are both doing and that he doesn’t want to talk about it as if it were a normal thing that every couple does.

The second red flag in just a couple of pages is Williamson having Rose say “This is why we make sense. Daddy issues”, wow, are we really doing that, Williamson sat there and said Rose and Jason can make a good couple because both of them have unresolved problems with their parental figures, how wonderful. To me shared trauma isn’t a deal-breaker but sure, if you want to make one of your characters revolve her relationship with her partner around trauma, then that’s on you.

Jason also had a big problem with Rose attacking people who are hiding from the Magistrate because they are actually giving food to the “masks” and to people who don’t have to eat. Rose doesn’t seem to care and that makes the relationship a bit tense. So far, there are not many positives for this couple.

Things only get tenser, people are going around wearing those red pill looking helmets that Jason used to wear in Batman and Robin (2009), the funny looking ones, and those people are just normal people that are stealing food so they can eat or take them somewhere else. Jason is following one of those people and telling them that he doesn’t want to hurt them, just talk but Rose shows up and kills them. Jason is angry and Rose goes on a rant about how being a “mask” is against the law so she had a right to kill him.

Together they figure out that those people were being controlled so they go looking for whoever was behind those helmets.

They are tense and Jason is very cold with her even when she tries to lighten up the mood, but shit gets worse when they both receive an alert to go hunt another mask: Jason Todd.

Rose wants the money. Aw, nothing says healthy relationship more than murder.

The apparent reason why the Magistrate put a target on Jason was that he had the helmet that he took from that boy, when he realises this he puts it on and hopes that Rose finds him through that, so she can help him if he gets in trouble.

Jason gets mind-controlled through the helmet and is forced to fight rose, they fight for a while and then Rose breaks the helmet. Jason says “knew you would find me” and Rose responds “you are lucky I have a crush on you”, ok, is Jason okay with Rose wanting to kill him a few minutes ago when the alert on him came out? That’s not a big deal for them? Ok.

Jason seems to be in love with Rose even though they think differently and they are written with as much chemistry as a history book, he cares for her and does everything to save her when they get attacked by the Magistrate.

When they escape the initial attack, Rose grabs Jason and tells the Magistrate’s drones that he will take the bounty for Jason but that she will deliver him alive. Jason is surprised and angry but then the drones just leave. And we are left with Jason and Rose on a rooftop alone after Rose seemingly tried to betray Jason.

Do you know what Jason does next? He tells Rose that they should go on a holiday. He cares and keeps wanting to protect her from the Magistrate. Are you kidding me? This is so messed up; I want to remind you that these were the only two issues for this story. This is all the information we had for a long while and it is disgusting. DC really let this thing be published!

Rose betrays him twice; he is willing to harm him on some level and he still wants to be with her? Am I understanding that correctly? Later on, he keeps wanting to protect her from the Magistrate after he has evidence that they are hyper corrupt.

The point I want to make is that Jason and Rose shouldn’t have been introduced to us in this book as a couple or as people who have been sleeping with each other for a long time. I don’t know why this needs to be said but having a couple where one of them can think of killing their partner is absolutely awful. And then they make it worse by having the “victim” act like it doesn’t matter and that they should work on protecting the person that wanted to betray them.

I understand that there is a Future State: Gotham run going on with a Jason story in it written by Williamson but I don’t want to go near it. Future State: Red Hood made me uncomfortable and it made me cry out of frustration. How did this story get a pass by the editor? It’s disgusting, and it’s that because of this absolutely forced “relationship” that Williamson wanted to put in.

-

My point with all of these “couples/love interests reviews” is that writers need to be more conscious about what they write and about how some readers might perceive some messages.

Non-consensual kissing, harassment and all those things shouldn’t be part of the dynamic of two people that you are trying to put together. If there is some non-consensual kissing you can simply put a panel where the person apologises for their actions, but not even that is shown in these cases.

Comic writers need to be more aware of the way they write relationships. Yes, these are fictional worlds, people and situations but you are still playing with real-life interactions. Making some things appear in comics as normal things that you do to your crush/partner or whatever has an impact on people and writers need to become aware of this.

Lobdell was dying to let us know that Jason had a very active love/sexual life, great, but you need to show healthy relationships or make things clear about the relationships that Jason had. So many interactions that Jason had with women were overlapped with each other and the reader doesn’t know how to take it, is Jason a player or is he into open relationships, to me, it didn’t look like that but hey, maybe the writer would let us know? No, he won’t, because all he wanted to do was make Jason “date” more women.

Here is the thing, I have always felt like Jason was Aromantic, he likes having sex and having fun, but established romantic relationships aren’t his thing. It is what feels right (to me) with this character. And that’s (in part) because of all these messed up relationships that he was forced into. The two times that Jason seems to “be in love” are in Three Jokers and Future State: Red Hood, those two books are horrendous when it comes to Jason and love interests, in one of them Jason acts like the kind of man that cannot and will not take well a rejection and in in the other Jason acts as if he were blind to the abusive actions his partner does to him.

None of those two concepts are healthy or nice. Writers need to do better about that, they just have to.

So, to answer your question, I don’t think Jason Todd needs a love interest. Not as the main plot or subplot, maybe as a vague mention but nothing else, because comic writers suck at writing healthy and well-developed relationships. And because I really see Jason as the kind of person that wouldn’t involve himself in a romantic relationship with anyone.

I know this answer is more a rant than an answer but this subject is one that I have thought about a lot and it really made me nervous to bring it up. To everyone who thinks differently about these relationships, I understand and keep doing you, these are all just my thoughts and they are not worth more than yours.

Anon, thank you for the ask, sorry for making you wait so long and I hope that you have a wonderful rest of the week!

[jinxpantsu]

A Lesson in Love - A “Character Analysis” on Asmodeus

I had to come for the tracks, wigs, and weaves of bitches when Pomade dropped because I saw people talking shit about my boy. This was a milestone “project” or “reward” I guess?

I hit 400 followers today while I was out running errands!!! Thank you guys SO SO MUCH for the love and support! I can’t WAIT to produce more content for everyone!!!

Below the cut there WILL BE talk of season 3, as well as some talk of chapter 16. There’s a healthy amount of theorizing on his personality as well, I hope you don’t mind! This came out more like a plea to get people to change their minds about how Asmo really is, rather than a comprehensive essay of sorts. So here we go!

There’s something we apparently still need to talk about in this fanbase. The unrealistic idea of Asmodeus being a sex freak, and an unreliable person in general despite there being little proof of it. We need to set a few things straight about Asmo moving forward.

December 25th rolled around and Asmo’s audio drama and song were released. I take it everyone enjoyed both parts, as well as I did. My timeline both on twitter and tumblr were filled with Asmodeus content, as well as the other brothers and such. But I mostly got Asmo content. However, in peeks and cracks, if I looked hard enough, I still saw people who absolutely loathed Asmo or who were indifferent to him. Keep in mind; I think it’s okay. You don’t have to like everyone.

I’ve only joined the fanbase in September, but even I could tell some of these takes were old fashioned. I downloaded the game on October 17th, a very important anniversary for me, while I 

was still in bed in the morning. I blazed through the entire story of season 1 and now I am stuck in season 2, specifically in Chapter 24. I obviously don’t have every card of Asmodeus with his Devilgrams, but I have been analyzing his character over the past few days for this.

So needless to say, I have a considerable amount of information on him, as well as personal thoughts that may help some learn to love him. Or at the very least, from spreading a negative idea of him around as if it were true. Enough that should help clear his name, so to speak.

Let’s look at his title; Avatar of Lust. Now naturally the thoughts that come to your head are sex and other sexual bits. So I can understand how some people would come to the conclusion that he’s just a sex freak. But if you look under the surface of his title, like I’m sure you’ve had to for your own personal favorites (*cough* Lucifer, Belphie, and Satan ESPECIALLY) you would discover that Asmodeus is more than just about sex. In fact, sex takes up very little of his pass time, if you were to believe it!

In recent chapters, as I’ve been told, Asmodeus doesn’t really get around much anyways:

Granted, this was said while in Celestia, but I imagine not much has changed for him since his fall, as well as his brothers.

Not really comfortable being with just anyone, huh…? Sounds like someone who doesn’t have sex so warily often as you’d think!

Being lustful can come in many shapes and forms. It can be merely in appearance, which Asmo is not afraid of doing. He’s very comfortable about skinship and it’s very apparent in how he dresses and acts that he wants you to adore his body. To worship it! Maybe not sexually, but aesthetically! Being lustful can mean just thinking about sex or sexual scenarios often, which if you take a peek at Asmo’s chat’s either with you or his brothers, is very apparent too.

Personally, I believe that people would assume he is not good in a relationship because he would have a “cheating problem”. I don’t think Asmo is a monster, just like I don’t think any of the brothers are monsters. They may be demons (technically fallen angels) now but they used to be angels too. Their falling out with their Father doesn’t mean they’ve completely abandoned morality, it was a rebellion for Lilith’s right to live. Not for them to sin as they pleased. For all we know they might have been fine in Heaven otherwise! (with the exception of Lucifer.)

A monster knows right from wrong and chooses evil anyways. An ignorant person doesn’t know right from wrong. Asmodeus is not a monster, nor is he ignorant.

When Asmo genuinely loves you, I think he would take steps to calm down that side of him, if it were to exist. Lust is fairly limited, but it is a part of love to some extent. LOVE is vastly different. Love has many languages, and they aren’t all spoken either. For me, personally, I found that Lucifer’s love language can be either very direct, or roundabout so as to not let it go to your head, for an example. Asmo is just far more direct about his care for you.

I feel as though Asmo gets a lot of crap constantly for his presumed nature and because we don’t get to see much else of him at first, especially in season 1, his impression on us sort of stays. With most of the fanbase either somewhat new to the game or somewhere lost in the sea of the difficulty curve that is season 2, we can only assume based on what we’ve seen, and what others have headcanoned about him.

Let’s break and talk about Satan for a moment; this is going somewhere.

I’m led to believe that Satan can control his sin fairly well. He’s easy to get irritated, sure, but he isn’t as much of a walking ball of rage as I suspected. I would argue that, aside from Leviathan, Satan can handle his sin the best out of the brothers. But again, we’re forgetting about Asmo. The Avatar of “Lust”. Like I’ve shown before, he doesn’t really sleep around a lot, according to anon.

At worst, Asmo being flirty is through text and he’s not actively trying to sleep with you. It can be interpreted that way, but for me personally, it comes down to having a friend that is very up close and in your personal space.

(I myself am one of these types of people. Having ADHD, my social cues are always sort of off, and I’ve struggled with coping with it for years. With my best friend, we have seen each other naked countless times and have slept in the same bed as well. We were never romantic with each other. We were just very comfortable being close and personal with each other.)

I’d like to point out also that Asmo isn’t even there for most of season 1 too. Which can give you the idea that maybe he just was out sleeping around a lot, but to me he probably just went out partying a lot. You don’t get known that fast for sleeping around. Maybe in 5,000 years, sure, but I’d imagine being a party boy, as his Devilgram “Guided by Desire” suggests.

So the idea that Asmo isn’t in the house a lot because he’s out having sex all the time isn’t true is it? He’s probably just out partying, which can LEAD to sex with someone sure, but again, Asmo doesn’t feel comfortable doing that, now does he?

I feel like of all the boys, Asmo is the one who radiates with everyone else the most. Most people will never realize how surreal it is that Asmo is faking it until he makes it. He doesn’t always think he’s beautiful, or that he’s worth all the love he’s striving and straining to get. Something that is extremely relatable for a lot of people with self-worth issues. Asmo is just like that, but instead being sarcastic and self-deprecating, he simply works to make himself look as beautiful as possible, so that in his eyes, his beauty matches the affection he gets.

Which is why, when he falls in love with you, it’s strange. You are constantly telling him he’s nice and pretty, but you aren’t lusting after him. You’re just being nice. It may just be me, but when people are overly nice just for the sake of being nice, I’m very attracted to that. That is Asmo, to some extent. The fact that he reflects the insecurities and habits of others so clearly may make others uncomfortable, but that brutal honesty veiled behind insecurity is what a lot of people with self-image issues deal with.

Now for me to share my favorite personal idea for Asmo that completely changed how I saw him in season 1 onwards; Asmodeus is an empath. Now let me explain:

First, what is an Empath?

The term empath comes from empathy, which is the ability to understand the experiences and feelings of others outside of your own perspective. Seems simple, right? Everyone can do this to some extent. However, what makes you an empath is the fact that empaths genuinely feel the same pain as you do. So much so your experience becomes a very personal part of their own. They are capable of being able to feel other people’s emotions without them speaking, or even showing signs of it through their body language.

This would explain, for me personally, why there’s so little of him in season 1. The intensity of what goes on in the house, his sensitive soft-spoken mannerisms, the only time he truly gets mad is when he’s childishly arguing with Mammon? Asmo is afraid of true conflict, he’s afraid of violence and negative emotions. Let’s face it; everyone is indifferent or hates you at the start of the game.

While this changes fairly quickly, all the intense feelings come to a head in chapter 16. All those negative emotions swirling around, of course Asmo isn’t going to want to be in the house when it’s that intense. The attic didn’t just disappear completely, too. Belphie was still in the attic hating humans. That negative emotion could be affecting Asmo and he didn’t know why, so he could have been out of the house more.

Where Asmo can feel the emotions of others, it may mostly be the negative ones because they fill him with anxiety and panic if it persists. Which can be helpful in making him so urgent to want to make others smile and feel better, right?

Imagine being intimate with Asmodeus, and suddenly you aren’t in the mood for it anymore but don’t want to make things awkward. He could pick up on it in an instant and wouldn’t get mad because he understands how you feel completely.

Now to close this out about something that genuinely hurts me; Asmodeus is a narcissist.

I mean, the wiki says that he is, but personally? No, no he isn’t. Since when is loving yourself a bad thing? Sure he may go a bit far sometimes, but people with self-image issues need to go a little harder than the rest to make sure they're getting the love they need.

(Talking about myself AGAIN, but I do this a lot. At random, I will look up in my own mirror in front of my desk that I sit in front of all day and tell myself I am a cute bitch. I am VERY VERY cute and anyone would be lucky to have someone as drop dead gorgeous as myself. I say that a few times a day. In reality, I am very insecure about my looks. I do believe I’m cute, but sometimes it’s hard to say it. Which is why I force myself. Why wouldn’t Asmo do the same?)

Talking yourself up to be as beautiful as a sex god is no easy task, but Asmo isn’t the Avatar of “Lust” for no reason. When an insecure girl talks up her beauty, it’s her being strong and independent. When Asmo does it, its narcissism… it doesn’t really seem fair, now does it? Maybe he’s just an insecure person who needs to tell himself ALL THE TIME that he’s beautiful. That if he stares at his reflection long enough, he may see it too.

(Also, Simeon literally calls him out on being insecure. Insecure people tend to try and overcompensate where they feel they’re lacking.)

”Asmodeus is hinted to be insecure and seeking for love and attention. When Simeon was asked about what he thought of Asmodeus, he says that Asmodeus is still trying to fulfill the role of the angel he used to be; an angel that was adored and loved by many. Asmodeus laughs at Simeon's remark and brushes it off by saying that he is only jealous.” - A section from said Asmodeus Wiki.

People can choose to love or hate Asmo, obviously. Making things up about his character without having anything but speculation and having that dictate how he acts is plain silly. This entire “essay” if you can call it that, comes from the heart. I love Asmo as a character, and in the beginning he did make me uncomfortable, I didn’t like him that much. But I learned to look past that and figure out why he acts the way he does. Something didn’t sit right with me about him for a while, and it was that air of insecurity that I didn’t see at first.

All I can really ask for, is giving Asmo another chance as a character. He’s not as wild and wacky as Mammon, or as cool and sexy as Lucifer, or as edgy and precious as Belphie, but he matters in this story too. He fell from grace with his brothers for Lilith. Give him another chance, and let him show you that he is the Avatar of Love.

[youwontlikethisblog]

Betty! My Betty.

Two post in a day, or window of twenty four hours!

Finally we make it to the day of the new collection launch.

Now in the previous post I wrote I made note that we had established that Armando trusted, unwavering, Betty. He knew of her fidelity and trusted her for it.

He questioned her but, by the time she leaves he quits his show of being mad at her and asked Mario what he thought of what she had said.

Now I want to add some points here that discribe and prove my theory that Armando was already having feelings outside of work related feelings towards Betty.

1) When Mario tells Armando that Marcela has no idea who she's talking to we know he means that Betty is the owner of Eco Moda, therefore she shouldn't be yelling at her but Armando thinks otherwise as he tells him "I know! She's my guardian angel!" which once more proves that Armando wasn't mistrusting of Betty and his concern was with how Betty treats him and how she is with him, unconditional.

2) When Mario starts with his paranoia again Armando defends her, defends his trust, and lets us all know that he would never doubt Betty nor her unconditionality and fidelity.

3) That day Armando behaved differently towards Betty.

We've all at some point in middle or high school gone to google and searched "how to tell that he likes me." and the very obvious answers in every post is that he finds excuses to be near you, finds excuses to touch you, blah blah blah, and very cliché this begins to happen. I already had my theory that as the show progressed to this point of the story that Armando found excuses to touch Betty such as when he starts to rub her shoulders as he is telling her that he's very aware of her loyalty and all she does for him, hugging her, to then asking her to stay in meetings, being confused when she doesn't sit next to him whereas before Betty could sit anywhere in the meeting room that wasn't near him (don't quote me on this I didn't pay much attention to the first few episodes because I was zoned out most of the time)and he didn't care. During the business with Macro Textil he was leaning towards her as they discussed with Ms. Colombia and the guy incharge of sells. Which I already talked about this in another post as well where he finally stops having all eyes on Ms. Colombia and is absorbed by Betty.

At the meeting the day before the launch Armando pulls a chair for Betty and tells her to sit by him and when she goes to sit he pulls his chair closer to her and leans towards her, when he usually is always leaning to his right, he now leans towards his left, where Betty is. That's not the only noticeable change. When Marcela starts yelling and insulting Betty, Armando visibly looks ticked off until he finally raises his voice at her and then adjusted his tone and talked to her calmly. Then later that night when Marcela and him are together discussing Claudia, Armando tells her that he can't do anything because Hugo will throw a fit, then Marcela decides to let her vandetta with Claudia go and asks for another head, to which Armando says anyone's head.

Remember how I said that Armando is really dumb with feelings and that when he has them he blurts them out unthinkably and then proceeds to correct himself?

Here Marcela gives him the ultimatum; Claudia's head or Betty's head.

Armando pulls away from her and says no, to which Marcela asks "You can't do it or you don't want to?" and he says "I don't want to- I can't." and he looks bothered by the idea of it. Like a kid told to share his toys with someone. We then see him feeling guilty over Betty being the owner of Eco Moda because Marcela is saying that she's gotta run everything by Betty.

The last point was a long one :)

Armando still yells at Betty and he still is a crappy boss but the last two days he has blended and blurred the lines so much while Betty has remained a good employee and kept boundaries with him.

Now this is the scene we've all been waiting for.

Armando finds out that Nicolas is Betty's "platonic love".

The day starts off with Marcela going to yell at Betty, as one does, and Armando seems bothered by it, while before it did bother him it wasn't much where he interacted or reacted to it. As he said he knew Betty could handle of them[Paty and Marcela].

Now one could simply say "But this is all because of Eco Moda and Betty is the owner now and he doesn't want her to turn against them."

Had that been the intention of the writer we wouldn't had gotten any of the previous details mentioned in the previous post. We wouldn't be seeing the subtle change, the blending of their personal lives, the obvious act of defending Betty against Mario's paranoia and the obvious stupidity of Armando towards his feelings.

Remember! Armando wasn't paranoid and he sure as hell wasn't questioning Betty's loyalty to him.

So if he isn't having those feelings? Why does he all of a sudden run to her aid against Marcela? Why does he not only defend his decision to hiring Betty as he did in the past but Betty's role and job in Eco Moda?

Here's the thing we all need to understand Armando is somewhat smart in his line of work. He knows how to manipulate, convince, and make deals. He is a very mechanical guy. Women enter him through his eyes. We've seen him be a womanizer and seggs is the way to his heart. Which is exactly why he was so stupid and clueless about his feelings towards Betty because unlike all the other woman, Betty didn't enter him through the eyes or sex. She did through action and personality and it all comes crashing down in this very scene. However, Armando is very stupid and I mean colossally stupid when it comes to feelings. He is a mechanical man, even in his relationship with Marcela, his parents, his best friend, his lovers, and he isn't fazed by people's emotions. He is uncomfortable with them and as a person who happens to be the same, when it comes to recognizing feelings and defining them as what they are it's really hard to do that when you spend your time avoiding and running away from any feeling and it can take months for someone to identify those feelings. Which is why the subtle changes and his reaction to this news leaves him uncomfortable, confused, and most of all scared and he tries to justify and identify these feelings as other things. Once again I talk from personal experience.

The writing from the previous episodes is meant to bring all of this together. Scenes that we might asume had nothing to do with the romance between B and A all of a sudden hold a lot of weight here. For example the scene when Sofia cries over her husband's lover working there, it shows Armando visibly uncomfortable as he turns to Betty's office and looks like he wants to stand up and leave the room when he sees her crying. However the last time Betty cried in front of him without her even asking or making any insinuation of it, Armando goes to hug her so he can comfort her. Mariana once said that he could watch someone cry and be unfazed by it but we had two more incidents previous to that that show us little by little how he begins to change for Betty. If they weren't important than we wouldn't had gotten them.

Bertha burst into his office with a smile on her face. Armando is as normal and typical as always, Betty enters the room and hands him the paperwork for him to sign.

That's when Bertha mentions that "Your love, your boyfriend, Nicolas Mora just called you!" and we get a close up of Armando's face(they wouldn't have shown us this if it weren't important). His eyes are focused on Betty, brows narrow, lips on a line and nostrils flared, meaning my boy is mad. When Betty asks if he signed the papers, without breaking eye contact with her, with a very serious and dead tone he tells her he did and hands them to her.

Skip a scene ahead we then see Armando exiting Betty's office, head down, shaking his head, looking confused and angry. When Mario walks in he asks if something happened and Armando nods, goes back into her office, steps back out and leans against the door frame, wrapping his arms around himself which is something people do to self sooth and he proceeds to tell Mario that something very grave has happened. Mario's facial expression shows worry.

Now let's go back to the episode when Betty gave Armando the papers that showed that Eco Moda was now under seizure for the debt they had with Terra Moda, how his voice was during that, which was somber. We know it hurt him to see that and that it was a hard thing to accept as he studied that most of the scene. Here in this scene he has the exact same tone of voice, somber, which means he is truly bothered and sad over Betty having a boyfriend.

Mario then proceeds to laugh and joke about it. Armando angrily tells him that the monstrete that he is making fun of is the owner of Eco Moda now and then his voice changes to say "She has a boyfriend." to which Mario again proceeds to make fun of. We see Armando's body language, he turns his back for a brief second, he doesn't look at Mario or make eye contact while he is making those jokes and for a split second we see a confused look on his face.

What does this mean? Armando sudden change of heart and his frustration towards the news aren't solely based on Eco Moda for what he continues to make apparent and continues to repeat is that Betty has a boyfriend because that's what he is hung up about.

I'm sorry I keep saying let's go back to a post or episode but this all comes imploding here, now, to prove the theory. Remember how I mentioned that Armando seemed unbothered by Nicolas and even defended him against Mario and his paranoia?

When Mario asks who the unfortunate person was Armando does as he does best, react emotionally.

All of a sudden Armando is furious as he refers to Nicolas. All of a sudden the person who he himself said was trustworthy, who he assured Mario was someone Betty collaborates with becomes an idiot and an object of disdain to Armando.

While Mario seems more concerned over the company and who the owner is; Armando seems more concerned over the fact that Nicolas is Betty's boyfriend.

He then proceeds to tell Mario how he found out and he tells it like he were telling him something traumatic, he is stuttering every few words, pacing, talking fast, unable to sit for more than a second and mocking, something we later see as a jealousy act of his, and gets angry( he makes it more dramatic by saying that Bertha said Nicolas was Betty's eternal love, her lover) when he gets to the point of the story that they talked about Betty's boyfriend in front of him which lets us know he felt it was disrespectful for Betty to do that.

What kind of boss thinks it's disrespectful for their employee to have a boyfriend and talk about it in front of them?

One that likes you and thinks there's something special going on between you two.

My theory is that Armando wasn't in love with Betty at this point but he was mixing up his feelings because he liked her and felt possessive over her. He felt that Betty's unconditionality, fidelity, loyalty, and faithfulness was all towards him and that made him feel special(when Betty was offered that commission by RagTela when she confessed it to Armando he went to her and told her he was glad he was a part of such an important test in her life which feeds the idea that he felt special to her) because of course, the "ugly" girl would never have a boyfriend to give all that to and he felt special to be the one to receive that from her without Betty asking for anything in return. Those exact qualities were the things that lead Armando to even have feelings for her(that he's not aware of) and all of a sudden there's someone who could be receiving those exact same qualities of Betty's and more which makes him react the way he does.

In his own words what offended him most (which means he was offended by Betty and Bertha talking about her personal love life in front of him) was that Betty didn't say anything about it.

Why is that?

Up to this point we've seen Armando slowly blur the lines of personal and work with Betty. Little by little we see him let his guard down, expressing his inner thoughts and feelings regarding his biggest burden and how it'll affect him. Betty knows him very well and he is very well aware of that as he tells her that he knows she understands more than anyone what he's doing while Armando barely knows anything about her. He knows she's got ethics, morals, and principles she sticks by. He knows her family and how humble and moral they are. He knows the most important parts of her character that makes her a trustworthy employee but he knows nothing about Betty's personal life like Betty does his.

In his own words again he says "I don't know, I don't know why she didn't confide in me. Me who has been very special to her-" please, let me bring you back to the past. In a post I mentioned that every time Betty gave him more of herself her rewarded her by doing the same in return. For example, when Betty showed loyalty to him he became more kind to her. When Betty showed unconditionality he showed loyalty. We begin to see a pattern of behavior. Whilst Betty's affection is shown through means of work and being respectful and having boundaries with him and living off her daydreams, Armando's is different. His affection is shown by blurring the lines between personal and work. By giving more of himself to her in an emotional sense.

He then concludes to say "This hurts me a lot, listen to me Calderon, I don't like this at all." Mario's perspective is that Amranod is worried for the same thing he is: Eco Moda. However Armando is on a different solar system as Mario tells him they should have investigated her more and again Armando goes to defend her. Saying that she is unconditional and has always been loyal to him. That he knows her perfectly, wouldn't you say this contradicts the plan?

"How the hell was I supposed to imagine that Betty! My Betty... would have a boyfriend?"

Armando then gives way to paranoia saying that Betty's personal life is deeply entwined with his, the companies, and his family's personal lives. Which means that Mario's seed of paranoia has now began to flourish in Armando and it shows his confusion. One moment he is defending Betty, the next he is questioning her. One second he is sure of her loyalty and the next he is worried about her having Eco Moda.

This is when the roles switch. In the previous days and scenes when Mario was paranoid Armando truthfully defended Betty and her loyalty. He was so sure of it but why does her having a boyfriend change that? Because Armando felt betrayed by Betty. He felt that she should have told him this. In other words Armando feels bamboozled because he isn't Betty's special man and now instead of Mario being the paranoid one he is the one to remind Armando that Betty is trustworthy. He tells him that Betty says "He's important for the company." and that the fact he's her boyfriend doesn't change anything he then proceeds to ask "Or what? You jealous?" and Armando laughs.

Notice his body language? He's biting his thumb nail, eyebrows arched and eyes worried. Yes, he is paranoid but he's also now struggling with the feelings that are left behind from the revelation that Betty has a boyfriend.

This will be part 1 of the next couple of episodes to break down Armando's inner struggle and why he is so stupid.

I need to get some rest lol

[chat-noir-always-here]

Debunking “Adrien is perfect”

  To voice a rather non-Marinette-like opinion of Adrien: He’s not perfect. He’s never been perfect. He has, in fact, been riddled with flaws from the very beginning. Part of the reason Chat Noir gets hate is because he serves to exaggerate Adrien’s flaws and make them more obvious, destroying the perfectionism façade. And the sooner Marinette tosses the “I love the perfect Adrien” filter in the trash where it belongs, and starts actively recognizing and acknowledging his faults, the better off the endgame relationship will be.

 Long post is long and I don’t like cuts, cuz i’ve lost a few posts in the past using them. Please filter the tag “long post” I use it for walls of texts like these. 

First of all, flaws are just one of the many things that happen when someone either learns something the wrong way, spends too much time in the wrong environment, lack any decent role models... really there are a plethora of causes. What i mean is character shortcomings aren’t necessarily reasons to hate the character themselves. They’re more or less internal obstacles put there to be overcome in order to portray character growth. Of course spending an exaggerated amount of time with these characters without seeing them overcome particular shortcomings is frustrating it does not necessarily mean they will never be redeemed or developed and are/were deserving of hate.

 Except for Gabriel. That creature belongs behind bars.

 Most of Adrien’s flaws come from his toxic home situation:

The Miraculous Wiki puts Adrien at fifteen. Meaning Adrien has only been actively leaving the house (for public school and the occasional social get-together) for about a year. His fourteenth birthday was one of the earliest episodes and im assuming his fifteenth birthday happened off screen between the s3 finale and the new york special.

Regardless the majority of his life was spent in isolation and his only company was his immediate family, Nathalie, Felix and Chloe. None of whom are particularly good role models except for Emilie. Maybe.

He’s rather overworked for a 14 y.o. boy. On top of school, he has fencing, piano and Chinese lessons. This leaves him with very little time for himself. 

He lost his mother. In Feast, Adrien expresses Emilie was a source of joy in his life--”Only Mom can make me laugh like that.” Felix marked the one year anniversary of her disappearance.  Worse still, we’re led to assume all Adrien knows is that Emilie disappeared. Did she abandon him? Was she kidnapped and killed? He doesn’t know. He has no closure regarding her absence. 

On top of losing his mother, his only remaining parent is an emotionally manipulative and abusive prick. Gabriel has denied Adrien a birthday party, threatened to take Adrien out of school just because he can, never lets him have friends over for any reason, hardly ever makes time for Adrien and only once in a blue moon will actually sit and eat a meal with the poor kid.

And on top of all of this he’s not out of the woods yet. He’s still living with his abusive father. He’s still not allowed to see his friends outside of school much. He’s still got a packed schedule. He still doesn’t have closure regarding his mother’s “disappearance.”

Looking at it like this paints Adrien in a rather sympathetic light.

 Marinette doesn’t know Gabriel is Hawk Moth either, but she does understand Adrien is lonely, isolated and in need of a source of love and comfort. She also understands to some degree that his heart is delicate, so she constantly handles him with kid gloves and looks on him with a perfection filter. 

We see how Mari reacts to upsetting Adrien in Malediktator when she softly whispers an apology after Adrien expresses his sorrow over everyone celebrating Chloe’s departure. She’s seems pained and distraught over causing him to be upset. Thus the reason Marinette calls Adrien perfect isn’t that she never sees any of his flaws--she just cannot acknowledge or process them under these conditions. Shes too busy trying not to hurt him. She also has shown some signs of having extreme anxiety, which messes with ones head and makes it difficult--nearly impossible--to think straight. She wants to be the source of love and comfort he desires (and already is in a way) so his faults go unprocessed.

But what are Adrien’s flaws?

1. He has trouble standing up for himself. 

He’ll take a stand for others.

 He stood up to Chloe on Mylene’s behalf in Horrificator and on Marinette/ Cheng Sifu’s behalf in Kung Food. He stood up to Lila in Oni-chan and Ladybug. He stood up to Gabriel in Simon Says--but as Chat Noir, not Adrien. 

There have only been two-ish instances of Adrien, not Chat Noir, standing up for himself. I say -ish only because he was kinda standing up for Lila in the first and Chloe in the second. 

First in Volpina he stood up to Ladybug for how she handled the situation with Lila. He personally believed she handled the situation poorly (which she did--there were/are serious consequences for that. still) and although he was kinda wishy-washy in conveying that it was only because he was scared of sounding too much like Chat Noir. Her partner. Her chief-of-staff. Who can and will call her out on such behavior. 

Second in Malediktator, when he more or less told Marinette she was wrong to be happy about Chloe leaving. Granted this was partly him standing up for Chloe, but aside from her—he, Adrien, was deeply upset chloe was leaving on such bad terms and made sure Marinette understood that. 

Abused children tend to be somewhat submissive/agreeable/etc. They have trouble speaking out when they’re uncomfortable or don’t want something or think a particular action is wrong. Usually because they are anticipating some kind of punishment for speaking out or afraid of offending the other person to the point that said person wants nothing to do with them anymore, or both.

 For Adrien to fix this particular flaw, he needs to prioritize himself and his own wants more. However he also needs someone who doesn’t chastise him for doing things he likes, tending to his own needs and setting boundaries. Kagami is not that person--she’s actually quite demanding of him and cold. Her understanding of relationships isnt great either, which is why these two really aren’t that great for each other. 

2. He puts his faith in the wrong people

  Adrien’s fucking household is about as toxic as it can get (please don’t take this as a challenge, S4). On top of his immediate family consisting of his abusive, toxic, terrorist father, there’s his cousin Felix. Felix who squished cheese under Adrien’s pillow, stole his phone, pretended to be him and sent an outrageous and awful video to his friends. 

 There’s also his mother Emilie whom, despite his love and adoration of her, lied to him for who knows how long and messed around with a broken miraculous to the point it forced her into an indefinite coma and left Adrien at his father’s mercy. There are theories that she did this for her family but nothing concrete or canon has been proven--all we know is that Emilie had been having frequent dizzy spells while she was still awake and using the peacock miraculous, and that she anticipated her fate and Gabriel apparently promised to save her.

There’s Lila, as well. “She’s not dangerous. She just craves attention.” Wrong, Adrien, she’s very dangerous. She is conspiring with your father to spy on you, attempted to get Marinette expelled from school, tricked you into leaving Ladybug alone with a supervillain whom she personally requested to kill Ladybug, pinned Marinette against a bathroom wall and almost got her akumatized, actually got Marinette akumatized and nearly cost you both the Ladybug Miraculous and TIkki. She isn’t just dangerous she is an actual threat, whether or not she is the future Hawk Moth who sent Timetagger after you when you were children with time-sensitive powers. Adrien has a slightly better understanding of that after the events of Ladybug and Oni-chan, so hopefully he will be on his guard at least in regards to Lila.

 The reason for Adrien’s overly trusting nature may lie in the fact that literally everyone closest to him, everyone for the first thirteen years or so, was toxic and/or a liar. You know what happens when you can’t trust anyone around you? You live with it. You accept all these bad people as they are, without making any effort to establish healthy boundaries. Adrien certainly lived with it--how’s an abused, isolated boxed-and-sheltered son supposed to know what healthy boundaries are when he’s lacking any healthy connections? I bet he can just barely endure all the anguish but he can’t stand to be alone so he just tolerates it. Not to mention the most guilty is his father. Where else is he supposed to go?

Like a frog sitting in a pot of water, you don’t realize you’re in trouble until the water is too hot. So you just accept it--all the bad feelings--you accept it, live with it and it still hurts but you rarely complain. Because anything is better than being alone. 

I think Adrien understands, deep down, that the love he is clinging to, the love provided by his relatives, isn’t really there. But if he looks at it too long and lets this knowledge sink in he’ll lose it. He really did lose it in Chat Blanc-- just that sky-crashing-down-on-him realization that he didn’t have his fathers love, hadn’t had it for a long time, just completely ruined our boy. 

 Of course the knowledge is there. It’s literally right there in front of his face and it’s only a matter of time before he is forced to turn and look and face the music. At which point I hope Marinette knows who he is and has a plan to save him otherwise Chat Blanc is just going to happen again. 

3. Yes, he takes the flirting too far sometimes

No--that doesn’t make him toxic.

Yes, Adrien overreacted to Ladybug never showing up in Glaciator. He shouldn’t have been upset with her in Frozen for not accepting the rose. He should have told her the damn truth about being forced to leave the city at the same time she was in the New York special. 

 However, he also apologized for overreacting in both Glaciator and Frozen. And again, abused kids live in anticipation of punishment for their mistakes. Adrien’s father has taught him that the slightest mistake can result in loss of freedom or trust, even if its circumstances beyond his control. And he now understands that Ladybug isn’t going to blindly punish him for being honest with her, which he now knows to do. 

 He makes mistakes, apologizes for them, and learns from them. That’s not fucking toxic--it’s natural, human and allowed. 

 He’s flirty and suggestive, yes, but the minute she signals she doesn’t want it or isn’t feeling it he stops. He has had immense trouble with not flirting with her, despite her telling him she isn’t interested multiple times. That much is true. But he truly and deeply cares for her and he would never force himself on her and it isn’t because he knows she’ll kick his ass if he does. It’s because unlike the vast majority of his family, he’s actually a decent human being. 

 He has even begun to “flirt platonically,” toasting their partnership and friendship rather than offering a romantic relationship she can never say yes to. If that isn’t the most soft and respectful fluff I don’t know what is.

 4. He is leading Kagami on

Did he cheat? I’m actually not sure. Thomas is being vague in his tweets and won’t give us a decent answer (because he likes “watching fandom burn”--i mean MOOD but clarify please). 

 Here’s what we know and have observed: 1. Chat Noir told Ladybug “I have a girlfriend” 2. He immediately followed that up with “It’s not good at all. I just said that to make you jealous”  3. He allowed Kagami to kiss him in the new york special 4. but he has trouble telling girls not to touch him--been a problem since episode one. Yes its generally cheek kisses chloe gives him but sometimes its not and he looked downright uncomfortable in a lot of cases of physical contact with her and with Lila 5. he seemed rather comfortable with kagami kissing him--except he did say no to her kissing him in the finale 6. but he’s also trying to move on from Ladybug and be with Kagami  7. If he were in a relationship with Kagami, he’d likely keep it a secret because both of their parents are controlling of them and may not allow it 8. His understanding of relationships and girls is kinda dreadful due to not having his mom around for advice and his father’s general lack of a concept of what healthy romantic relationships and boundaries are, and, as Nino put it, not being able to understand signals very well

Adrien’s current relationship status is up in the air. I’m about eighty percent certain he’s dating Kagami--but there’s still that twenty percent chance he’s not.

 Putting aside the question of whether or not he and Kagami are official, Adrien’s been attempting to move past his feelings for Ladybug. Which--won’t sugarcoat it--he kinda sucks at. At the same time, Kagami is aware he is in love with another but lacks the understanding that his moving on will take time. 

 The main issues here is that Adrien knows who he wants but can’t have her. Kagami is a wonderful person herself and he wants to get to know her better, but they aren’t really a good match and they are both going to get hurt in the end (Love Victor anyone???). Until that happens we are going to have some questionable moments in the show, and we just need to remember that Adrien is a child with a poor understanding of relationships, and not an evil person. Kagami doesn’t necessarily have a great understanding of them either--”Your indecision hurts me Adrien,” “Adrien you and I are perfect for each other!”--and she has flaws of her own she needs to unlearn. 

 For the time being, Adrien is leading Kagami on (it needs to be said--even if they aren’t dating he’s flirted with her, given her roses etc.) I say leading her on because, no matter how much Adrien believes Marinette is just a friend and they weren’t flirting in New York, loyal boyfriends who wish to be monogamous don’t dance with other women.

 Or look this happy when that other woman touches them

Does this make Adrien a deceitful and hateful character? No. Does this make him an unworthy character? No. It makes him an abused child with little to no concept of healthy relationships. 

Also Adrien’s friends, including Marinette, have no reason to believe he is dating Kagami. They know he is interested in her and she in him, but as Nino said, Adrien has a hard time picking up signals and understanding their meaning. Not to mention the boy is fifteen. Flirting skills, understanding boundaries, and other relationship concepts are a challenge even for ordinary fifteen year olds in healthy environments to grasp--case in point: Marinette.

Adrigami and Lukanette are simply not going to end well. The Love Square is the endgame and ultimately both Lukanette and Adrigami are going to fall apart to make that happen--I knew that going into the possible Adrigami and Lukanette  territory that the finale created.

 Kagami is a strong, intelligent person--she’s likely going to be the one to end it given what we’ve seen. I don’t like to think about what might happen then--she may be akumatized and Chat Noir would feel rather guilty and may not be able to fight her. But they will both come out of it with something they needed--Kagami will understand (as Marinette needs to) that Adrien isn’t her perfect soul mate incapable of making mistakes. Adrien will understand relationships better. 

 Its unfortunate that this has to happen in order for Adrien to learn due lessons, given that he actually does have someone who can talk to him about girls and relationships and loyalty: Nino.

 Given what Nino wasted no time in scolding Mari for spying on Adrien and Lila when she confessed doing so in Chameleon, as well as how he treats Alya, I undoubtedly believe Nino would be the one to come out and say “You can’t dance with Marinette when you’re with Kagami.” 

 Assuming he is with Kagami. 

In conclusion: Adrien is flawed but not deserving of hate. He is a traumatuzed child stuck in a toxic household who lacks proper mentors. Marinette, Alya and Nino are out of the loop about his potential relationship with Kagami. And Marinette and Kagami both need to acknowledge Adrien is imperfect. Nino and Adrien need to do guy talk like two seasons ago. 

Also Marinette probably has some intense anxiety issues. But more on that later.

[flowercrown-bard]

A new us will begin (6/ 11)

word count: 7777

AO3

part 1   / part 2 / part 3  / part 4  / part 5 /  part 7

Tw: assault (mugging) assault (taking away someone’s mobility/orientation aid), injuries

It was strange making it up the mountain to Kaer Morhen. Too long had Geralt not found it in him to go to the only place he had left to call home. Even stranger was taking the track before the first leaves of autumn began to fall. Never before had Geralt been this early and it filled him both with a sense of unease and excitement.

The year on the Path had been rough, harder than usual and he was aching to go back home and see familiar faces. Unlike before, it hadn’t been rough because of how many injuries Geralt got and how often he knocked on death’s door, oh no. This year – for the first time in a long, long time – Geralt needed to make sure he didn’t throw himself into danger as he had done the decades prior. If he did, and if he died because of his recklessness, he would never get to see if he had been right, if through some miracle, there would be another Jaskier out there, waiting for him.

It was a small hope, but it was hope nonetheless and that was more than he had had ever since Jaskier’s death.

Now, that hope was eating at him, gnawing at his heart like a bloodhound gnawed at its prey. He needed to survive if he wanted to see Jaskier again, however slim the chance. But there was a chance, wasn’t there? All those things connecting Yarrow to Jaskier, they couldn’t have been coincidences. There had to be an explanation and Geralt’s foolish, battered heart refused to accept any other explanation than the one he had found while standing over Jaskier’s grave.

But that wasn’t enough. Witchers learned early on not to rely on hope. All the boys hoped they would make it through the trials. Every full-grown witcher hoped he wouldn’t get killed by a monster, human or otherwise. Hope didn’t keep any of them alive.

Geralt needed more, needed to know more. He needed Vesemir’s help, his advice, his untainted view on what was happening. Which was why, when the towering walls of Kaer Morhen came into sight, Geralt’s throat restricted. Behind these walls lay either hope or damnation.

When Vesemir saw him enter the halls, he stared at him for an uncomfortably long moment, assessing him and scanning him over for injuries or any other visible reason that could have brought him back home, and so early too. After how seldom he came back anymore, Geralt couldn’t fault him for being reserved. With every year that Geralt had stayed away, the guilt that pressed on his chest became heavier until it had turned into shame.  

The apology at making his family believe that he might have died was already on his tongue, when Vesemir crossed the hall in long strides and crushed Geralt against his chest.

Geralt trembled as he pressed his face into the crock of Vesemir’s neck. His mentor had never been allowed to be the kindest man, but he would do everything in his power to help and comfort his family. And gods, Geralt needed comfort. It had been so long since he had someone just hold him; not promising that nothing bad would happen, but promising that Geralt would get through it and that they would be there for him.

Geralt didn’t cry. Not when Vesemir’s embrace tightened briefly and not when Vesemir pulled back again to look him over for injuries. As far as Geralt knew, he showed no more signs of his distress, but from the way Vesemir’s brows drew together, he could tell that something had happened.

Vesemir made no move to comfort him again, but his expression was focussed and determined when he asked Geralt what he needed.

It didn’t take long for Geralt to spill everything. It should have. Years and years of heartbreak and despair that culminated in that one impossible, crushing hope, Yarrow had given him, shouldn’t be summarised in a handful of sentences. Jaskier would have rolled his eyes and complained about his lack of artistry if he’d been here to hear, but he would have also cupped Geralt’s face lovingly and shown him that he was here for him.

Vesemir did no such thing. Geralt didn’t expect him to. This wasn’t what he had come here for. He had come for advice, for the cutting rationality that he knew Vesemir would bring to this.

When Geralt asked him the impossible, if there was still a chance that Jaskier might be alive in some way, Vesemir became eerily still.

Geralt saw in his eyes what answer he was about to give him, and still his chest crumbled when Vesemir did. No one had ever come back from the dead.

It was a sobering answer. It was one that nearly shattered Geralt.

Vesemir had always been rational and to the point. If he said he knew of no one who had conquered death, then it wasn’t likely that Jaskier had been the first to do so. But Vesemir also loved his family with a fierce dedication. When Geralt clammed up, closed himself off, pulled his walls back up, Vesemir was the one who grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to the library. He was the one who made sure that no book on the topic remained unread and that Geralt contacted every sorceress he knew.

Triss looked at him with pity and promised to do her best to help him. Keira said she’d keep her eyes open, but Geralt shouldn’t be surprised if she decided that she had better things to do than chase after Geralt’s daydream. Philippa’s expression turned into one of astonished surprise before she just left – she couldn’t have made it any clearer just how stupid she thought Geralt for clinging to this hope like a toddler to their mother’s skirts.

When he contacted Yennefer, the answer to his question now was no different than it had been when he had gone to her a month after Jaskier’s death: There was no way for a sorceress to bring him back to life.

But Geralt knew better. He had seen magic even more powerful than even Yennefer’s. He had seen what a Djinn could do, what Destiny could do, as much as the nation made him want to grind his teeth.

The library of Kaer Morhen brought no clear answers. Despite hours reading and desperately searching for anything substantial, all they found were theories and speculation.

The idea that Jaskier somehow had been reincarnated could be the hopeful wish of a fool just as well as the truth.

It wasn’t much and it wasn’t what Geralt had hoped for, but this slim chance that he had been right, was like a spark inside Geralt’s chest, growing stronger with each passing day until it turned into a fire.

This year, when Eskel and Lambert finally arrived, Geralt didn’t avoid them like he had before to wallow in his misery, lest enjoying himself would bring back painful memories of the times Jaskier had accompanied him to Kaer Morhen. For the first time in decades, he joined in when they asked him to spend time with them. It was obvious that they noticed the change in him, but even Lambert knew better than to ask what had brought it forth.

When Geralt finally told Eskel one drunken night, that maybe in a few years’ time, Jaskier would join them at the keep again, he ignored the look of pity Eskel gave him. Eskel didn’t know what Geralt knew. And Geralt’s certainty that he would get Jaskier back was unwavering.

--

Once the snow thawed, Geralt went back on the Path, almost brimming with energy. This year, it wouldn’t only be monsters he would track. Jaskier, wherever he was now, must still be a baby, no older than a toddler at the most, but Geralt could waste no time in his search for where he could be.  He couldn’t put his trust and Jaskier’s life in the hands of Destiny to keep him safe or hope chance would bring him to him in time.

When the year turned round again and autumn once more painted the continent red, Geralt told himself that it wasn’t too bad that he had found no trail of Jaskier that first year of his search. He had time. Jaskier could be with a loving family right now, learning how to walk and talk. Geralt had time. He would find him again.

--

A decade of not finding so much as a hint of Jaskier in this world, made his faith waver. It could be coincidence that he hadn’t heard of Jaskier yet. This was just Destiny playing her cruel games. Geralt refused to believe that maybe he had been wrong and Jaskier wouldn’t come back to him.

And yet…

Geralt hated himself for it. Hated himself more, than when he had let that Viscount die or when he hadn’t been fast enough to save that child. He hated himself, because all it took was three more decades to crush his spirits and his hopes. He hated himself, because he gave up, because he had failed Jaskier again by accepting how hopeless this search had been. And he hated himself for having been fool enough to make himself believe that he still could get Jaskier back somehow.

When the air grew crisper and leaves turned brown, Geralt had already decided that he wouldn’t return to Kaer Morhen. Instead he went to Dol Blathanna and mourned Jaskier’s loss for a second time.

--

It was already late autumn, too late to change his mind about going to Kaer Morhen after all, when doubt crept up on Geralt.

The wind was colder this year and if it continued like this, Geralt would be forced to take more dangerous contracts, if he wanted to survive the winter.

Hell, even now he had to flee into a tavern from the cold, despite knowing that he it wouldn’t leave him with enough coin to make it another week without going on a hunt again. He had really wanted to buy a new cloak and gloves, but he supposed that was a luxury, he wouldn’t be able to afford this year. All he could do to keep warm right now, was buy the cheapest ale he could find, hoping that it would be enough to warm him a little from the inside and linger here for as long as he could, before he would inevitably get kicked out again.

It was miserable. It was exactly what he had coming for chasing after dreams. He had always known that dreams were nothing but pretend, hadn’t he? He couldn’t escape facing the nightmare that was reality any longer.

A harsh wind swept into the tavern when the door was thrust open with more force than normally. Instinctively, Geralt tensed and beneath the table, his hand went to the swords leaning against his. It was only the laughter that followed the bitter wind into the tavern, that made Geralt relax again. It wasn’t the cruel laughter of someone looking for trouble but the cheers of a group of friends that wanted nothing but to spend the night drinking.

Geralt settled back into his seat and averted his eyes, fighting down the bitterness that rose up in him. Still, he couldn’t help but see the group of people that came in out of the corner of his eyes. They were too loud, too big a presence to not notice them.

They walked through the tavern as if it belonged to them, as if they belonged here, but not in the arrogant way Geralt had seen soldiers or powerful criminals behave.

Geralt scowled and took a swig of his ale, more to block his view on the group than out of the need to drink. It was too close. Too much like how Jaskier had acted when he waltzed into a tavern, sure in the knowledge that he would get everyone in it to admire him.

He should stop thinking about Jaskier. That was the entire reason why he was here and not on his way to Kaer Morhen; so that he would be distracted and wouldn’t have to face the halls of his home that was now so empty and cold without Jaskier’s laugh filling them.

The very same laugh that now rang through the tavern, louder than any other, more joyful than befitted this moment.

Geralt flinched, spilling some of his ale over himself. His eyes raced through the room, wide and wild, while his heart refused to slow down. His whole body was tense as a bow string and he gripped the tankard tightly enough to turn his knuckles white.

He couldn’t be here. He couldn’t. Geralt had searched for years, decades, without so much as a rumour of anyone fitting Jaskier’s description. He wasn’t here, he wasn’t alive.

But there was no mistaking his laugh. Geralt would be able to recognise it in a crowd of hundreds. And this, this bright, boisterous laugh that came from the group of newcomers, was exactly like that laugh that Geralt had accepted he would never hear again.

Geralt’s eyes were trained on the group like a hawk fixating its prey. There were too many people. He couldn’t find Jaskier, he couldn’t –

One slightly older woman with red locks leaned forward, unblocking his view and Geralt’s heart jumped to his throat. There he was. Jaskier.

He looked older than Yarrow had been, but still far from wearing the wrinkles that had painted Jaskier’s skin for the last decades of his life. He must be in his forties, but it was hard to tell, with the ridiculous feathered hat that obscured part of his face and the beard that dusted his chin.

Geralt’s lips twitched and his heart fluttered in his chest. It looked almost like the one time Jaskier had lost a bet and let Geralt shave his beard in ridiculous ways. He had pretended to sulk after that, but the whole time there had been mirth twinkling in his eyes, especially when he had taken his revenge by shaving Geralt’s hair. The both of them had looked terrible after that, and Geralt wouldn’t have had it any other way. The chuckle that had bubbled up in Jaskier every time he had laid eyes on Geralt then, had been the most beautiful sound Geralt could imagine.

And now that laugh was back, fading with time, but not dying down fully.

The woman with the red hair flashed him a mock-glare that Jaskier didn’t seem to notice or was used to enough not to be intimidated, judging from his lack of reaction.

“You wouldn’t dare do that during an actual performance.”

“Is that a challenge?” Jaskier’s smile turned into a grin. “Because if it is, my dear Nadine, you know I will take it.”

“Sure, if you want to get shoved off the stage.” The red-head snorted. “I’m being serious. You know that I love you, but don’t make me break character again or I will take my revenge on you, Dandy.”

Dandy. It was a strange name, but Geralt couldn’t help but smile at it. As ridiculous as it was, there was no denying it fit. Jaskier – Dandy – was twirling a cane at his side that was weirdly long but decorated with bright colours and a ball that almost looked like a gem at the end. It looked utterly impractical, but since when had Jaskier ever cared about practicality when it came to his accessoires.  Geralt’s eyes drifted back up to the long hair was curled in a way that made it very clear that Dandy put a lot of effort into his appearance.

Geralt was so distracted by the sight of him, that it took a moment for the girl’s other words to catch up to Geralt. Performance.

So this Dandy was a musician again. Something warmed in Geralt’s chest and his fingers twitched against his tankard. He would get to hear Jaskier sing again, would see him stand on a stage and bask in applause again!

The need to see him like that overflowed and made it impossible to think. The reality of all this hit him with unhindered force. For all of Geralt’s hope, of all the time he had spent convincing himself that he would find Jaskier again, he hadn’t once thought about what he would actually do once he found him. Now, that he was so close, sitting so damn near that all Geralt had to do was walk over there to touch him, he didn’t know what to do but helplessly watch Dandy joke with his friends. Geralt wanted to be one of them. He needed to feel Jaskier’s eyes on him, his hands, anything he was willing to give.

But this wasn’t Jaskier. It was Dandy. And Dandy didn’t know Geralt, has never met him before. If Geralt just came up to his table and told him – told him what exactly? That they had been lovers before? That Dandy had lived different lives and that he had died because Geralt had failed him?

There was nothing Geralt could say or do that wouldn’t make Dandy draw back, thinking him a disoriented drunk at best and a dangerous threat at worst. Now that Geralt was finally so close to the dream that had consumed every waking moment of his life, he didn’t know what to do to not ruin it.

Every fibre of his being screamed at Geralt to just do something, no matter the consequences. But Geralt had spent lifetimes without Jaskier and he would be damned if he did anything that would push Dandy away and leave him a lonely mess once more. As much as it hurt him to sit by idly, Geralt gathered all his strength to not go to Dandy right then and there and pull him close, burry his face into his neck and never let him go again.

He forced himself to sit back and just watch him, got drunk on the sight of him. Geralt’s chest tightened as if an iron fist was clenching around it, when one of Dandy’s friends began to sing and the rest joined in. For years, Geralt had fallen asleep with the memory of Jaskier’s voice in his ear, but hearing Dandy sing now, clear and full of unbridled happiness was something entirely different. His voice soared up and fell to an almost-whisper. Geralt’s eyes stung and he had to fight against blinking the burning away, unwilling to close his eyes for even a second and lose sight of Dandy. And oh, he was beautiful like this, swaying with the rhythm and smiling around the melody as if this was what he’d been born for.

When the song roared higher and higher, Dandy threw his head back and Geralt’s watched with bated breath as the hat fell to the ground, revealing the rest of Dandy’s face that had been hidden before.

He was beautiful. He was so painfully beautiful and he was alive and he was right there!

In that moment, Geralt wanted nothing more than to see his eyes. So often had Jaskier looked at him softly while he sang, a storm of emotion dancing in his eyes that was only meant for Geralt to see. He needed to see those eyes again, even if they wouldn’t hold any of those feelings for Geralt now.

Yet, the blue he hadn’t seen in so long remained hidden from him even now. Dandy’s eyes were closed, as he sang with passion, the same way Jaskier had sometimes closed his eyes, so he would feel nothing but the moment and the song.

Geralt’s chest threatened to burst at the sudden realisation that hadn’t reached him until now: Dandy was happy. Really, truly happy. He was surrounded by friends, he had money enough to drink carelessly, he had the confidence to sing in a room filled with strangers, even if he wasn’t singing for them. Dandy had everything Yarrow had lacked. He had everything Geralt could ever want for him.

Maybe…no. Geralt forced himself to look away, no matter how much everything in him yelled at him for doing so. His hand trembled, as he lifted the tankard to his lips once more.

Dandy was happy. He had everything he could need. Who was Geralt to think he had any right to insert himself into that life Dandy had built for himself?

Because there were only two ways this could go, if Geralt approached him. Either Dandy wouldn’t be interested in having Geralt in his life and Geralt would be forced to life with the rejection of the man whom he used to mean everything to. Or Dandy would be the same as Jaskier and Yarrow had been. He would give up this life, throw it away for a chance to be with Geralt. Try as he might to do right by him, Geralt wouldn’t be able to replace what Dandy already had.

It was selfish and cruel to even think about taking him away from this life he evidently loved.

Geralt should leave. He now knew for sure that Dandy was alive, that he was happy. That should be enough to satisfy him. There was no need to stay and risk tearing down Dandy’s life.

There was no doubt, that leaving would be the right thing to do, and yet Geralt’s body didn’t obey him. The urge to stay, if only just a little while longer and bask in Dandy’s presence, was bigger than any rational thought telling him it was madness.

He stayed and watched as Dandy blindly reached down and searched for his hat, before putting it on again and obscuring Geralt’s sight once more without having granted him as much as a glance at his eyes.

Geralt stayed even as his own ale was long gone and the barkeep kept shooting him dirty looks for taking up space without at least nursing another ale. Geralt couldn’t afford another drink, not if he wanted to sleep in an actual bed, sheltered from the cold winds, this night, but the dread of freezing in the night was nothing against the fear of losing Dandy so quickly again.

So he bought another ale and watched as Dandy’s friends started playing a card game that Dandy didn’t join in. Which didn’t stop him from giving the players tips seemingly at random and utterly unhelpful ones, judging by the player’s eyerolls and Dandy’s gleeful cackling.

All too soon, Dandy’s little game of distracting his friends got interrupted, when another man approached him from behind, tapping him on the shoulder. Geralt’s brows drew into a frown when Dandy flinched at the touch and before he knew it, Geralt’s hand had closed around the handle of his sword, ready to put himself between Dandy and that other man should the need arise.

But then the man whispered something in Dandy’s ear. The sudden shout of outrage and cheer coming from Dandy’s friends as they finished their game, was loud enough that Geralt couldn’t hear Dandy’s reply, but seconds later, the man, who had approached him, sat down next to Dandy, far too close for Geralt’s liking, but Dandy leaned into his touch, running his own hands up and down the man’s arms.

The sight sent a sharp pang of jealousy through Geralt’s chest. His jaw worked, but he couldn’t get himself to look away. Of course Dandy would flirt with other people. He had every right to have his fun and Geralt was a stranger to him. It was none of his business whom Dandy cosied up with.

It was just…he had spent so long being the only one Jaskier had turned his attentions to, with the bard reassuring him time and time again that he didn’t want anyone else, even when Geralt told him that he would understand if Jaskier chose to take other people to his bed. He had almost forgotten what it was like watching Jaskier touch strangers with obvious intent and lean into them to whisper sweet nothings into their ears. It was no easier watching Dandy do the same now.

Geralt might not be able to understand his whispers, but he had spent enough time with Jaskier to recognise the way Dandy’s posture changed, how he tipped his head to the side to reveal his neck to the other man, inviting him to press a kiss against the tender flesh.

An invitation that the stranger accepted with pleasure.

Geralt’s hands clenched and he had to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from doing something rash. He had no right to interfere. Not when Dandy was so clearly enjoying himself. Not when Geralt was nothing to him.

Still, his insides twisted painfully with something ugly and cruel, while every fibre of his being wished that he could be in that stranger’s stead; that he would get to feel what Dandy’s fingers felt like dancing across his skin, and learn how he tasted beneath his lips.

He knew it was unfair to Dandy. Geralt didn’t even know the man. All he knew was that he looked and moved and laughed like Jaskier had and that in some way he was Jaskier. But he must also be someone else. Yarrow had been his own person. That viscount that Geralt suspected had been Jaskier before him, had certainly been his own person, going his entire life without ever knowing Geralt.

He had no way of knowing who Dandy really was, no right to want of him what he had had with Jaskier.

Knowing that didn’t make it any easier to watch the stranger kiss his way up Dandy’s neck, brushing his hair to the side and whispering something into his ear that Dandy responded to with a shuddering intake of breath and an enthusiastic nod.

He quickly told his friends where he was going with his new and oh so charming acquaintance Fillip and that one of them should come get him in the morning. Geralt winced when Dandy’s friends hollered as Dandy grabbed his cane and stood up. The Fillip gently took Dandy’s free arm, which earned him a radiant smile from Dandy. A bitter taste filled Geralt’s mouth, as he watched them go. Jaskier had always been touchy and he had loved leaning onto Geralt as they had walked side by side.

Seeing Dandy lean onto someone else – a blonde stranger with a dazzling smile and who was so much more handsome than Geralt could ever be – made Geralt’s arms feel empty and cold.

Without Dandy, the tavern felt too small, too lifeless, too lonely. Geralt downed the rest of his drink to get rid of the bitter taste Dandy’s departure had left him with. It didn’t work. Not even Lambert’s moonshine would have been able to get the images of Dandy leaning into that other man out of Geralt’s head.

Geralt glowered at the empty tankard, as if it was to blame for Geralt’s cowardice and inner turmoil. Abruptly, he stood up. With Dandy gone, there was no reason for him to stay here any longer. He shouldn’t have stayed here that long anyway. It would have been for the best if he had just left once he knew that Dandy was safe.

Once outside of the tavern, he hesitated. The strange tug in his chest that had lead him to Yarrow’s grave all those years ago, told him to follow Dandy. But what good would that do? Everything about the idea of following him and the man he had chosen to spend his night with was wrong.

No, Geralt should just go and find a place where he’d be able to sleep, now that he had spent too much coin to be able to afford an inn anymore.

So he ignored the tug in his chest and the way all of his muscles tensed at the thought of not going after Dandy, and turned into a different street, one that would lead him out of the city to where he had left Roach.

Regret and that piercing longing for an embrace he wouldn’t get, were his only company as he walked through the city. After a while, he left the streets that were illuminated by lanterns and found himself in darker alleyways. No thug of petty thief would be able to get the jump on a witcher, but still, Geralt strained his ears and tensed his muscles as he passed through this part of the city. If not for his sake, then he at least wanted to make sure no muggers would be walking the streets this night and stumble across Dandy.

Sure enough, voices reached Geralt, distant at first, but then getting louder.

“Really, I could have sworn that we were supposed to take that turn to the right.” Laughter that couldn’t quite hide how strained it was. “I don’t think we’re going in the right direction.”

Geralt froze. It was Dandy’s voice. What was he doing here? Geralt had made sure he wouldn’t cross paths with him. To get here, Dandy and his companion must have taken a truly inconvenient and winding route.

“No, trust me,” another voice – Fillip’s? – replied. “I know where we’re going. You don’t need to worry.”

Geralt’s hackles rose. Part of him told him that he was overreacting, but another, stronger part felt that same dread creep up on him that he had always felt when he had realised that Jaskier hadn’t heeded his warnings and come along to see a monster for himself.

“Oh. Alright then. Of course I trust you.”

He shouldn’t. Dandy really, truly shouldn’t trust this man. But if he was still the same in a way as the bard who had approached a witcher without fear and had followed him into any danger, then there was little chance that Dandy didn’t mean those words.

As silent as a shadow, Geralt followed the sound of their voices, until he could see them at the far end of the seemingly endlessly long alley, Dandy still leaning against the blonde and holding his cane out in front of him as he walked.

But it wasn’t Dandy that Geralt’s narrowed eyes were fixated on. It was the other man, whose smile was no longer charming and warm. It was cold like a snake’s.

Was Dandy really that smitten that he didn’t see the way that expression screamed danger? He must be, for he didn’t show a single sign of wanting to pull away. Gullible, naïve, trusting Jaskier! Of all the traits that must carry over into another life, it had to be the one that would inevitably put him in danger.

Suddenly, Fillip stopped. Geralt couldn’t see Dandy’s expression beneath the shadow his hat threw onto his face, but his shoulders tensed.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, a hint of that trust still persistent in his tone, but now it was laden with unease. “You didn’t get lost, did you?”

“No. I’m exactly where I wanted to go.”

The discomfort in Dandy’s posture became even more apparent. “I think we should maybe go back. If you would be so kind as to show me the way back to my friends – “

“I don’t think so.”

Geralt quickened his silent steps, almost breaking into a run. Panic raced through his blood. He was still too far away to help, should the man decide to attack Dandy. Yet, he was close enough to be able to see how now Dandy, too, caught on to just how bad this situation was.

Dandy stiffened, when Fillip tightened his hold on his arm, before Dandy could even attempt to pull away.

Anger flared up in Geralt, that turned into ice-cold fear, when two more figured appeared from the shadows, the moonlight reflecting on the blade of a knife in one of the man’s hands.

“Easy there,” the armed newcomer sneered and let out a dirty laugh when Dandy flinched. “This doesn’t need to get ugly. Just give us your coin and we’ll be on our way.”

The men weren’t too big. The only reason they probably felt secure enough to attack Dandy was because they outnumbered him. Still, Dandy had his cane. He could at least try to fend them off and keep them at a distance, if only to buy himself enough time to run away. But Geralt’s silent pleas for Dandy to defend himself changed nothing. Dandy stood still and helpless as the men drew nearer.

“You really think I have coin with me?”

Geralt let out a silent curse when Dandy was stupid enough to laugh. The sound ended in a shocked gasp, when the man holding him yanked him around without warning. Dandy’s head flew to the side when the back of Fillip’s hand hit his face.

His hat fell off, landing in front of the feet of the bald man who hadn’t spoken until now. He deliberately stepped onto the hat, grinding his heel into it.

“You’re really telling us that someone with such fancy clothes doesn’t have coin?”

Silently, Geralt begged Dandy to not say anything that would get him into any more trouble. At least until Geralt got close enough to actually defend him.

If he provoked the men enough to use their knives – Geralt’s stomach churned at the thought. He couldn’t watch him die again. He couldn’t!

He was so close! Just a little more time and he’d be able to save him!

Dandy snorted, his shoulders already drawn up in a useless attempt to protect his head. “Those clothes are a costume. I am an actor. All the coin I had, I spent on my drink.” He flashed a grin, that looked a little off, not really directing it at either of the men. “But if you want to try your luck mugging me again, I advise you to do it after our premiere tomorr-“

A punch in the gut made Dandy cry out, the sound piercing Geralt’s ears. He doubled over.

The bald man who had punched him, grabbed him by the hair and pulled him back up, spitting in his face.

“I’d ask you if you think we look stupid, but you wouldn’t know, would you?”

“Oh, don’t worry, I am sure you look stupi- hey, what are you doing?”

The sound of Dandy’s pain was nothing compared to the cry that tore out of his throat now, when the bald thug grabbed his cane and ripped it away from him.

“Give that back!” Dandy thrashed in his assailant’s grip. “You can’t take that from me! I need it!” He staggered when Fillip let go of him without warning and pushed him to the side. “Give it back, please!”

Dandy’s pleas cut into Geralt like a knife. He was close. He was so close, just a few more steps and he would be with him –

The cane came crashing down on Dandy’s back. With a pained cry that tore Geralt’s chest open, Dandy went to his knees. The laughter of the men burned like acid in Geralt’s ears.

The man lunged out to take another swing with the cane. He never got the chance.

With a jump, Geralt threw himself between Dandy and the attacker. The cane hit him across the chest at the same time that his sword plunged into the attacker’s shoulder.

Geralt couldn’t hear his cry of pain, the sound of his blade tearing through his flesh or the noise the cane made when it fell to the ground, over the sound of Dandy’s whimpers. It enflamed something raging hot in his chest.

Geralt whirled around with a snarl that would send hardened soldiers running.

The man that had lured Dandy here blanched and reeled back, but not fast enough to escape Geralt’s sword. It painted a thin red stripe across his face.

The third attacker was the only one stupid enough to try and attack Geralt, slashing at him with his knife. One swing of Geralt’s sword and the smaller weapon clattered to the ground, the sound accompanied by an agonised scream when Geralt’s sword cut through the hand that had just held the weapon.

A growl rose in Geralt’s chest, animalistic and promising death to anyone who dared to lay another hand on Dandy.

The attackers tensed up, holding their bleeding wounds and staring at Geralt with wide, terrified eyes.

“Stay away from us, monster!” What should have been a shout came out as a terrified whisper. “Stay away or –“ Fillip’s eyes darted behind Geralt, where Dandy must still lie.

Geralt lifted his sword higher and took another menacing step towards the attackers. The simple gesture was threat enough. If any of them dared touch Dandy, he would cut them down.

He didn’t need to use his words to get that message across. For a tense second, the three men stood frozen in place, then they staggered back, running as fast as they could away from Geralt and the man he would protect with his life.

Geralt followed the men with his eyes until he was sure they wouldn’t come back, then slowly, he sheathed his sword and turned around with his hands held in front of him, praying it was enough to show Dandy that he didn’t mean him any harm.

But Dandy didn’t even look up at him. He still cowered on the ground, making himself as small as possible and shielding his head with his arms, as if he expected another attack.

Seeing him like this, so small, so afraid split Geralt’s heart in two. Never, in any lifetime that Geralt knew of, had Jaskier been afraid of him. And now here Dandy was, curling in on himself, his broken breathing mixing in with sobs.

Geralt swallowed thickly and crouched down as slowly as he could. Still, there was no reaction. His blood ran cold. Had he been too late? Maybe one of the attackers had landed a hit on Dandy’s head that Geralt hadn’t noticed.

His heart sank like a stone. No. No! He couldn’t have been too late. Not again, not when he had just found him again!

With a trembling hand, Geralt reached out and gently touched Dandy’s shoulder to turn him and see if there were any injuries Geralt could help with.

As soon as his hand touched him, Dandy shrank even further into himself and he let out a whimper. His whole body shook from his broken sobs.

“Please,” he gasped, squeezing his eyes close and burying his head even more in his arms, “Please don’t. Don’t hurt me, please!”

Geralt snatched his hand back as if burned. “I’m not going to hurt you. No one is. Those men are gone.”

Dandy’s trembling didn’t stop, but there was a miniscule shift in his body.

“Those men?” he asked tentatively, “You’re not one of them?”

Geralt’s brows drew together, before he schooled his face into a neutral expression. He couldn’t risk Dandy choosing this moment when Geralt scowled down at him, to open his eyes and see him for the first time, becoming even more terrified.

But Dandy kept his eyes firmly closed.

“No,” Geralt said as softly as he could. “I’m not. I made sure they won’t bother you again.”

For an endless-seeming moment, Dandy didn’t move, but he turned his head as if trying to hear if anyone else was around. Ever so slowly, Dandy relaxed, but not enough to let his guard down fully. Geralt couldn’t blame him. No one in their right mind would watch a witcher fight and not be terrified to be alone with him afterwards. If Geralt had ever thought differently, the first monster he had killed had taught him otherwise.

“Sorry.” Dandy rubbed a hand down his face, turning his face to the ground so that Geralt couldn’t see the tears, that he knew were there. The salt-scent was so strong that he could almost taste it. “I didn’t hear you coming. You were just suddenly there and then there were those sounds of a fight and I… I didn’t know what was going on.”

“It’s alright,” Geralt said, though the lie couldn’t have been more obvious. Nothing was alright. Geralt had terrified Dandy enough that he now wouldn’t even look at him, that he would rather cower at his feet than even raise his eyes to meet his. “I…” he swallowed, forcing the bitter words that tore his throat apart like swallowing glass, “I can leave if you want me to.”

Dandy remained quiet, the only indication that Geralt’s words had reached him was the hitch in his breath and the way he clenched his hands into fists.

Geralt wished he could help. He wished he hadn’t been such a damn coward and just approached Dandy in that tavern. If he had, none of this would have happened. Dandy would still be laughing instead of being blinded by tears. He would be sitting with his friends instead of lying broken in some alley. He might even have trusted Geralt enough to let him help. But as it was, Geralt had made sure that Dandy didn’t even dare accept his help for fear of what he might do to him.

With a sigh, Geralt stood up and took a couple of steps back. He couldn’t leave Dandy to fend for himself, but if he didn’t want Geralt anywhere near him, he would go away far enough that Dandy wouldn’t have to be afraid of Geralt attacking him. He could watch over him from the shadows.

Geralt had barely made it out of reach from Dandy, when Dandy moved, lifting his head and looking around, though not in the direction Geralt had gone.

“Are you still there?” The question came quietly, hesitantly. “Please stay.”

Geralt froze mid-movement. “I’m here.”

Dandy winced, but the movement was accompanied by a sigh. If Geralt hadn’t known any better, he would have said it sounded relieved.

Painfully slowly, Dandy pushed himself up onto all fours, then stopped. Geralt frowned.

“Are you hurt? Do you need help standing?”

“Ah, no. I…” Dandy reached out with his hand, letting it wander over the ground. “I just…I really need my cane back.”

Geralt blinked, taken aback. He must not have noticed it before, but apparently the cane wasn’t just an accessory but a walking aid. That must be why Dandy didn’t reach it, though all he had to do was stretch a little to get to it. He must have an old injury that would hurt from such a movement.

“Wait,” Geralt said, coming closer again. “I can get it for you, it’s just over –“

“No!” The tone of the shout was so final that Geralt stopped right where he was. “Don’t touch it. I got it.”

Geralt watched in confusion as Dandy groped more frantically for the cane, until his fingers finally closed around it. Geralt could practically see the tension fall off of him as he held the cane close like it was the most precious thing to him.

After a moment, Dandy took a deep breath and made to stand up. His face contorted into a grimace and he winced at the movement.

“Are you alright?” Geralt asked without second thought. He grimaced at how stupid the question was.

Dandy hissed out a sharp breath through his teeth. “My back hurts. Really bad. Damn, that guy didn’t need to hit me that hard.”

He moved again, gasping in pain once more.

“Let me help.” Geralt was at his side in a flash, holding out his hand for Dandy to take. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself trying to stand on your own.”

Dandy hesitated for a second, then he nodded. Still, he made no move to take Geralt’s hand. Unsure what to do, Geralt reached for Dandy’s arm.

“May I?” He asked in as soothing a voice as he could, his hand hovering right above Dandy.

“Yes.”

Carefully, Geralt closed his hand around Dandy’s elbow. His heart stuttered in his chest, his mind overtaken by the thought that they were touching. Jaskier was alive and Geralt could actually touch him! He didn’t disappear, he was really there!

Geralt clenched his jaw and beat back those thoughts. There would be time for that later. Right now, the only important thing was that Dandy would be alright.

With the same gentleness with which Geralt had helped up Jaskier when he had gotten too old to stand on his own, he guided Dandy until he stood, while Dandy kept his head low and his cane clutched to his chest tightly.

Geralt’s hands lingered on Dandy’s arm, while his eyes darted over his body, making sure he wasn’t hurt. Apart from a couple of scratches and his back pain, he seemed to be fine.

Although it took inhuman strength to break the contact between them, Geralt let go of Dandy again.

Dandy let out a shuddering breath when Geralt drew back and ever so slowly, he lifted his head.

Geralt’s heart was pounding painfully against his ribs. Without meaning to, he leaned closer, urged on by a sudden desperation to see Dandy’s– Jaskier’s! – eyes again.

He couldn’t think straight. His thoughts were a swirling storm, all centred around that endless blue. Why was Dandy moving with such agonizing slowness? Why –

Their eyes met.

Geralt let out an involuntary gasp that could have been a sob or a whispered name. Dandy’s eyes were beautiful. Deep and blue and… and wrong.

Geralt’s heart dropped. Something was off about his eyes. They were the same blue he remembered, but the way Dandy was looking at Geralt…it felt as if Dandy was looking right through him. The moment they held each other’s gazes was no longer than a heartbeat, then Dandy’s eyes wandered higher, facing somewhere slightly to Geralt’s left.

“Thank you,” Dandy said quietly and gave him a hint of a smile. If felt wrong too. Beautiful, because it was Dandy smiling, but slightly off, as if he only knew how an expression of gratefulness should look from a description in a book.

Geralt couldn’t speak, couldn’t move.

The rounded end of the cane hit the ground with a soft thunk that rang in Geralt’s ears like thunder.

All this time. All these years Geralt had spent searching the continent for Jaskier, burning with the need to see him again, not once had he thought about the possibility that Jaskier wouldn’t be able to see him when the time came. But there was no mistaking it.

Dandy was blind.

[lotusjwy]

"Just leave me ALONE" for Xicheng? Preferably if LXC says it JC? Preferably in public or in front of wangxian and the juniors ? E.g. JC is the only one, who notices LXC is having a bad day and he more or less subtlely tries to get him to talk ? But LXC tries to be fine cause he is out of seclusion so he can't still have bad days'?

But if you have another idea do that! no pressure ! Thanks in advance !

hello there, the way this is so specific has been killing me for DAYS 😂  I had to send screenshots to my friend bc of how specific it is dude, like I love that you know exactly what you want bc it makes my brain not have to work as hard, but BRO dskjfhkasd why do u like to see my boy suffer So much 😭😭😭 

i hope this lives up to ur expectations!!! 🥰

It had been a long day. A long and tiring day, so if he lost his temper, he couldn’t be blamed, right? He just wanted to go back home and play the flute, perhaps sleep a little, but he was absolutely done with spending time with everyone else. So, why did he find himself still in the company of so many people? Why was he still sitting here with Wangji, Wei Wuxian, Jiang Wanyin and a handful of juniors? Why?

This was all Wei Wuxian’s fault, he was the one that insisted everyone spend more time together. Xichen already saw plenty of Wei Wuxian, Wangji, Sizhui and Jingyi, as well as often seeing Jiang Wanyin and Jin Rulan, due to sect business. If anything, the only person here that Lan Xichen rarely saw was Ouyang Zizhen, and it wasn’t as if he’d spent much of the day speaking to him.

Jiang Wanyin had taken it upon himself to seat himself down next to Lan Xichen, talking to him, hoping that he could get to the root of why the other had been acting differently. “You’ve been quiet all day, which is completely fine, I get that. Sometimes everyone is a bit too much to handle, but Wei Wuxian insists on family bonding, whatever the fuck that me-”

And he just would not stop talking, he’d been talking for so long, all day, when would he stop. “Just leave me alone. You keep speaking to me as if I’ve shown any indication that I wish to continue this conversation. You’re quick to call Wei Wuxian a chatterbox and an annoyance, yet have you ever looked inward?!” When he was met with a stunned silence, he realised something was incredibly wrong.

Oh. Oh no. He had said that out loud, hadn’t he? Well, he couldn’t take it back now, and he had wanted to be left alone. It wasn’t his fault Jiang Wanyin wasn’t taking the hint. Xichen did feel a little bad, when he saw the hurt expression on lJiang Cheng’s face, that abruptly was wiped from his face, only to be replaced by a blank face.

“Apologies, Zewu-jun. I appear to have overstepped.” He stood and gave the other a stiff bow, before leaving the room, not looking or speaking to anyone, feeling thoroughly embarrassed.  

Wei Wuxian stood awkwardly after his brother had left the room, wanting to follow him out, but knowing that the other probably wanted to be alone right now. He also knew that he shouldn’t be the one going to ensure he was okay, “Xichen-ge…”

“I am aware, no need to scold me.” Lan Xichen’s voice was terse, knowing that everyone in the room was staring at him in shock, possibly all wanting to scold him for his behaviour.

“Jiujiu was only trying to make sure that you were okay. Talking helps sometimes, you know. He rarely reaches out to people like that, but he did to you.” Everyone here knew his uncle’s temper, just as well as they knew how much he cared, if anyone here didn’t know that, then they shouldn’t be here. They didn’t belong here.

Lan Sizhui put a comforting hand on his friend’s shoulder, “Jin Ling, should you be saying this here?” He knew that Jin Ling was cross with Zewu-jun, but he didn’t want the other saying anything that he may regret later on.

“It’s nothing everyone here doesn’t already know about him.” He scoffed out, his voice dripping with disdain towards Sect Leader Lan. How dare he take his uncle’s kindness for granted.

Xichen tuned out the remainder of the conversation, thinking about the mess he had put himself in. It wasn’t that he disliked Jiang Wanyin, quite the opposite actually, and yet here he was near yelling at him in front all of their friends and family. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been stuck in his thoughts before he realised that he was being spoken to by Jin Rulan again.

“Well? Are you just going to sit here and wallow in your stupid misery, or are you going to go apologise?” There was a fiercely protective look in the younger’s eyes, showing that he’d physically fight the other, even if it meant losing, for his uncle’s honour.

“Jin Ling!” Wei Wuxian sent a sharp look to the younger, inwardly cursing that Jin Ling seemed to have inherited his mother’s fierce protective nature. He felt the same, but he also had the sense of knowing that saying everything you felt could backfire on you within seconds.

“Don’t get mad at me for being mad at him! He was being an assh-” the rest of whatever he was going to say being smothered by Lan Jingyi’s hand, which was conveniently blocking any other derogatory words that Jin Ling may want to speak.

“Alright, alright, young mistress, it’s okay. Let’s calm down now. He’ll go apologise now.” Lan Jingyi gave his sect leader a pointed look, as if telling him that if he didn’t leave to go find Sect Leader Jiang right now, then he would release his friend and let him unleash his full anger at him.

With a stiff nod, Lan Xichen left towards the direction Jiang Wanyin had stalked off to. He found the other leaning on a tree, staring up at the sky, seemingly lost in thought. He slowly approached the other, contemplating how to best bring attention to himself.

“I-” He jumped slightly, when he was cut off, not realising that Jiang Cheng had even noticed him approaching.

“Save it. No need to apologise, I know you were bullied out here.” His voice blunt and to the point, void of any emotion, as if he were trying to protect himself. 

Xichen was stunned silent, not knowing how to respond to that. He had been told to come apologise, so it wasn’t as if he could refute that. “Oh.”

Jiang Cheng sighed and shook his head. He had guessed that his nephew and brother had made the other come out here and apologise, but he was hoping that Lan Xichen had wanted to come out on his own accord. Evidently not. And why should he? It’s not as if Jiang Cheng was someone that was important to Lan Xichen. All he’d done was annoy him today.

Lan Xichen walked closer to the other, offering him an apologetic look, “whatever you’re thinking, you’re wrong.”

“I find that hard to believe.” How could he be wrong, when all signs pointed to his conclusions? He’d been annoying, when he hadn’t intended to be. He’d been compared to Wei Wuxian of all people.

“I’m sorry.”

And for what it was worth, he did sound very apologetic, but Jiang Cheng didn’t seem to believe it. “I said save it.”

“You did. However, I do genuinely mean it.” Xichen looked at the other, focusing on how the other was mindlessly fidgeting with Zidian. I’m making him uncomfortable. “I was told to come out and find you, yes, but I would have apologised on my own. I wouldn’t have left it li-”

“Don’t worry, Sect Leader Lan, I won’t let this hinder our sect relations. I’m not so petty so as to do anything that was affect either of our sects, for a personal matter.” Jiang Cheng cut off Lan Xichen, yet again, seemingly realising why the other had gone out of his way to come out to apologise.

“That’s not-” Lan Xichen was beginning to grow very sick of being cut off midsentence.

“I won’t interfere with any of the trade agreements we have existing already, nor any that we may broker in the future.” Jiang Cheng was rambling now, thinking of anything he could, to ensure Lan Xichen that he didn’t want their sects to fall out with each other. “Oh, we were discussing having our junior disciples have an excha-”

“Would you shut up?” If the other would just stop sprouting out useless information, this conversation could end less painfully than it needs to be, instead Jiang Wanyin seemed to want to draw it out.  

Jiang Cheng blinked in shock, his mouth falling open. That was the second time he’d made Lan Xichen burst out in anger like that. Wow, he must really hate me.

“If you would just let me speak! I do not dislike you, nor do I think that this should affect our sects standings with each other.” Xichen’s voice was strained, as he struggled to keep his frustrations with Jiang Wanyin at bay.

Jiang Cheng simply nodded in response, “of course not.”

“You don’t believe me.” Disbelief coating his voice, he stared at the other with narrowed eyes.

“I…” he struggled to find a way to word this, without being insulting or rude, “I believe that you do not wish this to affect our sect standings. Nor do I.”

“But you believe that I dislike you.” He put it bluntly, not enjoying the circles they were seeming to go in this conversation.

With a shrug, he nodded. There wasn’t much else he could say on it, it’s not as if he could make his own beliefs go away with the snap of a finger.

“And nothing I say could convince you otherwise?” Xichen was close to losing it at the other again, not knowing how to change the direction of this conversation. “Not even our past relationship with each other, prior to this evening?”

“Sect Leader Lan is a kind man. He gives chances to those who do not deserve them. I simply overstepped my boundaries tonight.” Jiang Cheng was looking up at the moon, his voice void of any emotion as he spoke.  

With a sigh, Lan Xichen moved to stand in front of the other, needing to capture his attention somehow. “And sometimes he simply has bad days, that have nothing to do with those around him.” He said it lightly, but his face showed that he was being serious. It really had been a bad day that had come an unfortunate end.

“But I didn’t help.”

“No, you didn’t. But I should have verbalised that, instead of ignored you.” Thinking about it for a moment, he added on something else, “which is why you kept speaking to me. Other times your company and conversation has kept me from my bad days, it was only safe for you to believe that it would be okay today. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Hmm.” He only hummed in response, as if he didn’t want to accept that he played no fault in the situation.  

“I don’t know what else I can do to convince you otherwise. I promise you that we are okay. As long as you can forgive me for speaking to you like that.” Right. Apologising was what he’d come out here to do in the first place.

Jiang Cheng narrowed his eyes and looked at the other incredulously, “of course I forgive you, I was being fucking annoying and sticking my nose where it didn’t belong.”

Lan Xichen shook his head almost immediately, “I’d argue out of everyone we’ve been with today, it is  a place where you are welcome to stick your nose into. I should have communicated that I wanted silence, it wasn’t your fault.”

When Jiang Cheng didn’t respond, Xichen sighed and nodded, “fine, I can see that this will take some time to move past. But can we do that? Forget about tonight, learn to better communicate with each other? A relationship wouldn’t be possible otherwise.” He quickly turned away from the other, choosing to stare up at the sky, instead of seeing the disbelief on Jiang Cheng’s face at what he had just said. He had more or less confessed his feelings.

Jiang Cheng’s eyes widened in shock as he processed what he had just heard, his cheeks beginning to burn at the implications. He coughed into his fist, “uh, yes. We can do that.”

[mandadoration]

stay

summary: clan leader din djarin has finally returned from some off-world business dealing with mandalorian politics, and you’re here to help him relax and unwind. 

word count: 2, 137

pairing: clan leader!mandalorian x reader

tags: oral sex (male receiving), soft facefucking, sorta oral cockwarming?? honestly that’s it

a/n: here you horny fucks, here’s your pregnant reader/clan leader mando shit. 

(teeeechnically in the same universe/continuation of before the winter, but can be read as a standalone)

Clan Leader AU by @magichandthing​ 

It’s warm, too warm in Din’s chambers where you’re kneeling between his legs, knees cushioned by fine furs that deserve better than being strewn on the floor like this. They’re usually reserved for the colder, harsher nights, but Din has pulled them out when you first gave quiet complaints of needing more cushioning while you slept or of how you wake up with a sore back nearly every morning and with every pound you put on. You can feel sweat prickling at your hairline and making your hair stick to the back of your neck, and the heat only seems to rise with each passing second. But you aren’t going to complain. Not when you finally have him alone to yourself after he’s been away for over a week dealing with off-world business. 

Despite being part of the Djarin Clan for a few years, the nuances and inner workings of Mandalorian politics still evade you. You know if you ask Din, he’ll try to explain it to you with the patience reserved for a select few, but there’s years and years of history that you won’t be able to learn in a single night, and you doubt you ever will. So when he had told you that he would need to leave off-world, the only thing you had to hear was the tightness in his voice and the way he sighed wearily. Such is the life of a Clan Leader, but you knew that when he came back it would’ve been all worth it. 

Din looms over you from where he sits in his seat, petting your hair fondly as your deft fingers undo the shining mudhorn buckle. You can’t help but dart your eyes up, looking at him through your lashes for some sign of approval even though you are well-used to the beskar helmet that betrays nothing. Still, he must know what your searching gaze might be asking for because he gives you an nearly imperceptible nod. You can’t help the small smile you give him, and you duck you head back down to pull his cock out from his pants. You’ve missed him terribly while he’s been gone.

He’s already half-hard when you start to softly mouth at him. “Good girl,” he purrs, “just like that.” You grip the base of his cock while giving him little kitten licks to the head, the other hand running over his thighs. The stress that’s been thrumming through him starts to melt away, the muscles going lax with each pass you give his cock, and soon he’s nearly boneless by the time you wrap your lips around the head of his cock into his mouth. It fills you with some sort of pride knowing that you’re able to control your esteemed Clan Leader like this, turn him loose and pliant with just your mouth and hands. 

It’s nice that you get to give him attention. Usually he’s the one fawning over you, incessantly touching you and running his hands all over your body each time an opportunity to do so opens up, exploring you as if each time were the first. That’s grown even more true ever since you’ve shown signs of pregnancy. As stoically as one can, he’s been fretting over you, bringing soft furs and pillows to help you be comfortable. A clan leader’s wife’s first child is always, always momentous, as shown with his care and each bit of advice given to you on how to deal with the nausea and aches and pains. Other clan members have refused to give you any substantial work to do, instead pressing gently for you to watch over the older kids or to just take it easy and do mind-numbing work. It’s not that you don’t mind the attention, instead more so that you’ve missed being independent. 

But you’ve missed Din more.

He gives an appreciative groan with each inch you manage to fit in your mouth, but you’ve still yet to be able to take all of him despite the warm encouragement he gives you each time you try. It doesn’t stop you from attempting it now, but you end up gagging hard around him and having to pull away with a gasp, tears watering in your eyes as spit shines on your swollen lips, your hand coming to give him loose, lazy pumps as you try to gather yourself. Din’s gloved finger comes up to wipe away a stray tear that’s spilled over. “It’s okay,” he says, “you’re doing so good.” You give him a small smile, and press open-mouthed kisses up his cock before taking him back in your mouth. You’re aching to be touched and can feel how uncomfortably wet you’ve become, but you know the moment you try and reach down to touch yourself, Din will try and do it for you. This moment with him isn’t about him trying to please you; it’s about you showing your appreciation the best you can. 

Knock knock.

“Clan leader?”

You jolt, nails briefly pressing a little too hard into the skin of Din’s thigh, and move to pull back, but he tangles his hand in your hair to hold you down as you give him a small noise of protest, muffled by him still in your mouth. “Shh,” he soothes, and releases his hold when you settle back down on his cock. You give him a questioning look, but keep the languid pace, using the hand holding his cock steady to pump the inches you can’t take, slick with spit. “I haven’t given permission for you to stop, have I, sweet girl?” he asks. You shake your head the best you can after a moment, slowly processing his casual tone. Din leans back until his back rests against the back of the chair, and you gather he doesn’t intend on telling you to stop or for him to get up. You speed up the bobbing of your head up and down, curling your tongue around the tip when you come up and breathing slowly through your nose as you dip back down. “They won’t come in unless I say so,” he says after a moment, then tilts his head. Somehow you already know what he’s going to say before he says it, and you feel a wicked grin without seeing his face- the way his shoulders roll back and casually plays with your hair.

“Should I let them in?” You furrow your brows and tense, but relax back again when he smooths down your hair. “Should I let them see how good of a girl you’re being for me? See you kneeling between my legs with my cock in your warm mouth?” It’s hardly a secret that Din has his way with his spouses often, but the idea of someone walking in to see you with his cock sitting heavy in your mouth, having to talk about whatever business they had with their esteemed clan leader as if nothing was wrong or out of the ordinary leaves you clenching around nothing. 

Knock knock. 

“Clan leader Djarin?”

You can’t help but tense when you hear the second tentative knock, but you force yourself to relax before Din has to correct your apprehension again. You wouldn’t put it completely past him that he’ll leave to deal with clan proceedings before you get to finish him. His voice brings your attention back to him. “Or should I stay quiet, let them leave, wondering where their clan leader is?” he asks. He’s not looking for a real answer, but you swallow around him to indicate you’re still listening, and pride flutters in your chest when his cock twitches in your mouth. “I bet they know, though,” Din continues. “I bet they know where I am, especially when they realize you’re nowhere to be found either, hm?” It’s not like you need this instance to start speculation. Already people remind you that Din is the most fond of you, one of the few non-Mandalorians in the Djarin Clan, sweet and unassuming without the assumed years of training and culture under your belt. But it takes a lot to capture the attention of Din Djarin, and if you remember your first meeting, you’ve made yourself impressionable and something to remember. 

Din brings up his finger to his helmet, where his lips would be, and looks back up. 

“What is it?” he calls out. 

“A few people were wondering if they could have a quick word with you,” comes the voice from beyond the door. You recognize them as one of the older boys, tall and lanky and growing into his boots, a little braver than the rest and most likely sent to ask for a short meeting with those too lazy to ask themselves. Even then, you can hear the timid tone in his voice. 

“Are they aware I’ve just come back?” Din asks. It’s nothing serious, a genuine question directed to those who think their Clan Leader runs on infinite energy. Then quietly, “Keep going,” to you. You resume your slow pace, up and down, drawing a sigh from him. 

“Should… Should I tell them that you’re busy?” the boy asks. You know he’s fidgeting where he’s standing. If he brought someone to accompany him, he’s probably giving regretful glances to them. Din stays silent for a moment to give the illusion that he’s considering it. 

“Tell them I will deal with whatever problems that--” Din says, voice catching on a particular hard suck, and gives you a warning glance that does nothing to dampen the way you cheekily grin around his cock in your mouth, “--that need to be handled tomorrow.” There’s a finality in his tone you hope the boy gets through the door. You duck down a little too much, and end up having to pull back, coughing despite how you clap a hand over your mouth as tears sting your eyes. Even if the doors here are thick and able to withstand a lot of force (as found out by the more rowdy members), it’s quiet in here otherwise. It wouldn’t be hard to pick up any sound. 

Eventually, your ears perk up to catch the sound of receding footsteps over the rush of blood in your air, and Din chuckles softly when you visibly relax. “Worried?” he teases. You make a face, but when you open your mouth to say something snarky back to him, he presses his cock back against your lips, and you take him with little complaint. For now, you can put aside your spitfire attitude. “No,” he says, “you trust me, don’t you? Whatever decision I make, you’ll go along with it.” His voice isn’t necessarily condescending, but more reassured than anything, and that only adds to the fire that’s burning low in your belly. 

Din’s hips start to thrust up to meet your mouth halfway, grunting under his breath, and you know he’s close. Despite the fact you know he’s holding back, trying to be gentle for you and your more fragile state, he can’t help but make your eyes water each time he hits the back of your throat. You just relax your jaw the best you can and let him fuck your mouth. “Maker,” he groans, “your mouth, fuck, you’re so good to me.” Din’s breathing turns ragged when you reach up to grab his other hand, lacing your fingers through it. Although there’s energy thrumming under his skin and making his muscles tense, there’s a certain softness to his shoulders when he squeezes your hand in return. “Can I-- I want to--” Without him even having to finish his sentence, you know what he’s asking for. Even if you know he’ll do it regardless of your answer, he rewards eagerness. You take as much of him as you can into your mouth, jaw straining as he cums down your throat. Din curls around you, almost shielding you with his body. You’re forced to swallow around him or choke, and his grip stings your scalp as a drawn out moan scrapes the bottom of his chest. 

Eventually, he settles back down into his chair, cock softening in your mouth, and you move to pull off of him. However, he cups the back of your head gently before you can fully pop him out of your mouth, and stills you. “No,” he sighs. “Stay.” And there’s the weariness that he hides in front of others, the exhaustion that pulls at him day and night, the cause and effect of his restless sleeping. Your jaw is aching and your pussy is begging for some sort of relief, but you’ll listen to him still. For all you know, he’ll leave the next morning again. Din runs his thumb over your reddened cheeks. 

“I still need to take care of you.” 

---

Forever Tag: @mabelleen @mando-vibes @isaissafail @adikaofmandalore @mudhornmando  @jokersdoll @creamysacrilege @blondecity @satans-tongues @skinny-macncheese @mrsparknuts @eupphoriaaa @talesfromtheguild

---

a/n: there’s only so much you can write when it’s just a blowjob lol

[halothenthehorns]

All in the Family

Chapter 108: Detention with Dolores

At first they all thought they'd somehow found themselves back in that woman's house. Despite a repeat location never yet happening to them, it would be her ghastly place to do so. Instead, it was just as bad, the pink stain that was her life had just traumatized this room.

The very bricks, doilies, and even this side of the door were now horror matched in a vaguely familiar office, a glance out the window showed the Quidditch stands did have them back at Hogwarts though.

"Moony, this is all your fault!" Sirius moaned, still fighting back the impulse to claw his eyes out with or without magic.

Remus didn't even have the heart to argue the point, if he'd known this was what would happen to the DADA job in such a short amount of time, he may have even risked his own affliction to keep this away. The book, once again, was sitting open and waiting for them, and Remus trudged over to get this started. He wasn't sure if Sirius was joking, but he did feel partially responsible for running from the school now whether Padfoot had meant to inflict that in him or not.

Lupin read out the chapter title to nobody's surprise, but a bit of dread. Despite the casual enough set up, they felt something ominous about a whole detention with Umbridge, and they'd never even officially met her. Potter went behind the desk and began rummaging through it with abandon, while Regulus wandered over to the smaller desk where Harry must have been doing his work, but when he got closer he found a rather odd setup.

There was a long black quill he vaguely recognized seeing in his dad's study. He'd seen his dad signing Ministry documents with it though, and Sirius himself had once warned him never to nick that particular one, so he wasn't sure why Umbridge would leave it lying around near Harry. Next to that was a long sheaf of parchment with the words 'I must not tell lies' written several dozen times, and plenty of room to spare for more, but in red ink with little splashes along the border of the heavy paper, yet a pot wasn't in sight.

Lupin's start of the chapter wasn't very interesting, Hermione having to explain to Harry why the student population was treating him this way. It was just a bit sad none of them had wondered the same, but Frank also realized, no one in here could call Harry crazy considering they'd lived through it with him. If he'd just been an outsider? Maybe...

The trio trying to drop the subject and do homework instead didn't last long, as the twins made a rather public launch of what their first Skiving Snackbox was going to be, on first-years.

The Marauders laughed in delight at the mental image, but the others had some reservations about doing the same until all were told to wake up without any setbacks. It was very impressive magic, they'd all admit to that, but the other four still felt it wasn't right, this being done on first-years. At least the volunteers should have been restricted to those of age like the twins were.

Regulus found himself scrutinizing Lupin instead of the quill he was now holding as Hermione lost her temper on the two and went over in a towering tantrum to tell them off in front of the whole common room. It was quite odd, to hear he'd be doing exactly what that Muggle-born was. It didn't bother him as much as it once would have, and that was even more bizarre.

Then he saw Sirius's lip curling in disgust as Hermione laid down the ultimate threat, threatening to tell their mother. Even Peter looked of the utmost affronted just like the rest of the Marauders. Hermione wasn't even their sibling, but he now saw himself more like the Muggle-born than ever, he'd certainly tell them off when they were being idiots, but he'd never go that far. It occurred to him though when Hermione stormed back to Harry and Ron and the Marauders kept muttering amongst themselves rather than continuing, that they were shooting the four furtive looks for more than just their distaste of the situation.

The Marauders had a lot of secrets, and now the four of them were privy to all of them. Their illegal animagus status, their werewolf, and least importantly, their map. Regulus had never had anything to hide to know that kind of gripping fear. He'd already promised Peter he wouldn't say anything about the map, but had he ever promised the same about the larger two? He didn't exactly like Lupin, but none of them were hurting anyone. He would never get Sirius in that kind of trouble, but he wasn't so sure about the other three.

He cleared his throat and waited patiently until everyone was looking at him before saying adamantly, "don't worry Siri, I've never tattled to mother and I'm not going to start now."

To his utter delight, Sirius grinned at him. It was finally that look he'd missed so often these past years, but it didn't distract him from his goal of watching the other three out of the corner of his eye to gauge their reaction.

Evans just clucked her tongue but pressed her lips together, as much as she'd ever shown on the matter of her silence. Alice was smiling at the display, and he hadn't seen her give any ill will towards anyone to worry about. It was Longbottom though who shifted his weight nervously and may be the problem.

Frank would have protested if anyone asked though. Dumbledore had been the one to invite the werewolf into the school and clearly nothing had, or would happen. He wasn't a snitch, he just didn't exactly want to be constantly in the same room with him. He found that even that was beginning to wear off though, he hadn't even moved behind Alice this time in the large open space of the office they were in this time. He'd been too distracted by the vivid pink on the walls nobody wanted to be next to.

Sirius tensed up like Longbottom had just done the same as Hermione and made to move forward and threaten anything he could to make him keep his mouth shut this instant, but James grabbed his arm before he could start another fight.

"We can't kill him until we're out of here, otherwise the books will stop working," he calmly, but quietly reminded.

Peter laughed, but Remus frowned uneasily at all three of them. James was joking, he knew that much, but there was something about the way he was eyeing the four that made his stomach flutter uncomfortably. What were they going to do when this mess was over, did they really trust them all to keep their silence? Even Snape, who now knew his secret as well, had left them feeling so claustrophobic in that castle lately they hadn't so much as sneezed without permission least he do something.

Did Evans even know that? She definitely hadn't known about him before all this though. It was the one thing James had talked about the previous three weeks, how little she'd been in Snivellus's company. The four of them could not just spend the last two years of their school under the thumb of five people though, or they'd do something drastic. Being in this office was only worsening the matter.

Remus kept going uneasily, seeking any form of distraction, and Hermione definitely offered that when she tried her little trick, free house-elves.

Whatever empathy Regulus had for that Muggle-born moments ago vanished, he looked likely to curse her on the spot. How dare she try and snatch away others house-elves! His mind instantly went to Kreacher and someone trying to force him to be free, it was a bleeding miracle Sirius hadn't done it in the future, and had actually considered the threat he posed to the Order if released.

Lily at least sympathized with the idea, but she still hadn't really looked into the matter like she really wanted to now before she shared any kind of opinion. Theirs were honestly the only noteworthy reactions, everyone else just got a laugh Hermione didn't even seem to realize her idea was useless considering they weren't her elves to be getting rid of and Lupin kept going with a faint smile once more.

The rest of the lessons went by without much notice until Care of Magical Creatures, when Malfoy let hint he thought Hagrid was in the same place they did, with giants. Harry's concerned reaction was understandable, none of them could still picture the grounds without him even though Harry kept mentioning it.

Luna Lovegood at least remained as memorable as ever, marching up to Harry in the middle of all eyes and declaring she believed Harry's side.

Sirius still had a dirigible plum tangled in his hair from his time in the bush, and Remus reached over and plucked it now before handing it to Prongs, who smiled fondly and announced, "I think I'm going to take a subscription to that magazine of hers."

Lily smiled without restraint, it was possibly the kindest gesture she'd ever seen him make. Then he caught her eye and gave the little plum a toss before catching it and asking, "like a pair of these as earrings Evans?"

She couldn't even make herself scowl at him, but didn't respond either, still not encouraging him.

James's heart gave an extra little flutter as she took twice as long before just looking away without a response, and he now pocketed it carefully, that was definitely no longer a joke.

Angelina's, lively, reaction to Harry's detention killed any good mood though, Quidditch tryouts even in this rainy weather would still be leagues better than this office. Even the fireplace crackled with a cold chill.

Harry finally made it to said dreaded detention, and they'd all swear the air just got colder with every word Lupin spoke.

Regulus went back to inspecting the long black feather in his hand in confusion, twisting it this way and that in the light, even as Umbridge herself said Harry wouldn't need ink for this special quill. He didn't get it-

"Hey!" He startled when Sirius lashed out and snagged it away.

Potter was hovering above the desk with his mouth hanging open like he'd only just spotted the long sheaf of parchment.

A dementor could have just appeared in the room, it couldn't get any colder in here and the air itself was draining out of all of them. Regulus stamped his foot in frustration; clearly, everyone older than him was getting something he wasn't.

"That's a Blood Quill," Peter finally answered, reaching over and pulling him farther away from the desk as Potter's face kept draining of yet more blood. "We've heard it mentioned a few times, Ministry employees use it to sign official documents. They're, for one use only, though." He finished haltingly.

Regulus finally put it together there wasn't any ink in the equation when Potter blew up the desk, and the paper that had been there. Frank moved to cover Alice, Remus raised the book as a shield, and Lily put up Protego instinctively, but the others only covered their faces as bits of wood rained down.

Curiosity admittedly flared more than anything though, Regulus was half tempted to take it back and give it a try just for the experience, but then Evans marched over to Sirius and snatched it away from him as well. He raised a brow at her but gave no reaction as she drew her wand, and then the place was raining tiny bits of what was left of the feathers from that as well.

She would have done the same if this had been used on Malfoy though, the injustice of it flaring in her like a flame far brighter than the one in here ever could.

Lupin decided to keep reading before anything else got exploded, like this book. His breath was a bit ragged though, he looked like he was going to be sick, even Peter's hand was still shaking a bit where he was holding onto the back of Regulus's robes like he was prepared to drag him farther away before one of his friends exploded next.

Regulus bit down on the inside of his cheek hard as details began to emerge, and he realized he still hadn't fully grasped the grotesqueness of the situation. Harry was having to carve into the back of his own hand, for hours, the truth Umbridge was forcing him to tell his own flesh was a lie.

By the time Harry left the detention Regulus tasted blood in his mouth from biting down too hard and quickly stopped.

The following week of this merely being repeated every night for Harry felt like some new kind of nightmare. The image of Cedric Diggory's dead body could have appeared in the middle of the room again and it would have made perfect sense. This was so disturbing, none of these teenagers could really imagine it. They'd never had to hear of anything quite like this torture, from a teacher at this school.

What was worse, was Harry doing nothing to stop it.

The shock only broke when the chapter came to an end, and Ron's miraculous Keeper position on the Quidditch team distracted no one.

No matter the differences among the eight of them, they found they could all agree on one thing. This woman needed to leave Hogwarts, now.

[olliedollie1204]

the kids are alright

AKA, Kai will see Elliott and ask “Is anyone going to adopt that?” and not wait for an answer

Edit: now also on AO3!

Characters: Kai, Elliott, Emile Picani, Larry and Dot (mentioned)

Words: 2,354

(A/N: I read both Elliott and Kai as being older teenagers, with Elliott being like 17/18 and Kai being 19/20? That might not be accurate but that’s the vibes for this.)

As soon as Kai pushed his way through the glass door, he started the process of freeing himself from the ridiculous amount of safety gear he had to wear while skateboarding.

Off came the elbow pads, knee pads, and wrist guards, which he dumped unceremoniously in his backpack; then he undid his helmet, the black and purple gradient one that Lauren got him when he told her he was gonna take up skating again. That, he tucked under his arm for safekeeping, grabbing his board with his other hand as he made his way down the hall to Picani’s waiting room.

Kai didn’t know how many patients the quack doctor had; enough to keep his business from shutting down, he guessed, but he’d never even seen another person in the building at any of the sessions he’d been to already.

So the sight of someone actually sitting on the waiting room couch made Kai freeze in his tracks.

The other person— around Kai’s age, maybe a little younger— had their eyes on their phone, and made no outward reaction when Kai appeared in the doorway; but Kai was way too suspicious of everything around him to not pick up on the way the kid’s eyes flicked towards him for less than a second before returning to their phone, or the way their thumb was moving across the screen too fast and haphazard for them to actually be doing anything.

They were nervous, Kai suddenly realized, because he’d shown up, and now the two of them were alone in a tiny waiting room of a therapist’s office.

Ah, fuck. Kai hated knowing people were uncomfortable. His social anxiety wasn’t quite like that, but he’d certainly seen enough of his friends go through it to know that this encounter was ticking a lot of boxes: in tight quarters, with a stranger, in a vulnerable setting, in silence.

Well, Kai never had much of a filter anyway, so he might as well try to relieve some of the tension in the room.

“Sup,” he offered, dropping onto the other end of the couch, leaving the cushion in the middle empty as a buffer space. The kid nodded politely, pulling their backpack up onto their lap and hugging it against their chest. Kai caught a glimpse of a ‘they/them’ pronoun button on their bag.

He felt a release of breath he didn’t even know he was holding. Thank fuck, another one.

“Did the Doc double book his appointments or something?”

Kai pretended not to notice the way the kid jumped slightly before looking at him, hesitant and confused.

“I’m sorry?”

Kai gestured towards the door. “I’m his 11 o’clock. What’re you in for?”

The kid faltered for a second before holding up a crumpled stack of papers in their hand. “I, um, just need to drop off some paperwork.”

“You had to do that in person?” Kai asked. Too late, he realized the words were kind of unnecessarily hostile, but, well, he wasn’t a people person, so he didn’t know what the fuck he should be doing better, okay?

Luckily, the kid didn’t seem too bothered, merely looking down at their lap and picking at their nail polish.

“Uh, he asked me to? I was gonna email them but he said he doesn’t have a computer, so…” They trailed off, apparently not knowing how to finish the sentence.

Kai furrowed his brow. “How does he advertise his shit without a computer? That just seems like a bad business practice.”

They shrugged. “I mean, I guess word of mouth is good enough. Um, my friend told me about him, but I don’t actually know where she heard about him.”

“Same,” Kai replied. “My girlfriend made me come here at first, but she never told me how the fuck she found him. Probably some magic newspaper ad— ‘The person you need is Emile Picani’, or some dumb shit like that.”

The kid huffed a small laugh. “Was that— was that a Nanny McPhee reference?”

“… Huh,” Kai replied after a moment. “Yeah, it was. Didn’t think you’d recognize it.”

Again the kid shrugged, but now there was a small smile on their face. Kai grinned back, leaning against the stiff couch and kicking one leg on the table as he bounced his other leg against the floor.

“I’m Kai,” he said, lazily throwing up a peace sign. The kid blinked in surprise.

“Um, Elliott. Nice to… meet you,” they finished awkwardly.

“Same,” Kai replied, nodding. The room fell silent for a couple beats before he continued, “Still, no computer. I mean, Jesus, get with the times, man!”

“Probably doesn’t have one because he spent all his money on stuffed animals and Funko Pops,” Elliott muttered. The quip came fast, and Kai let out a huff of surprised laughter. Fuck, yes. Now this was something he wanted to talk about.

“Okay, I have to ask you this, because no one else will fucking get it,” he blurted, turning so he was facing Elliott more directly. They looked at him with slight apprehension as Kai leaned closer.

“What is his deal with cartoons?”

A beat, and then a slightly exasperated half-smile formed on Elliott’s face. “I know. It’s like, I assume he went to school for, you know, counseling or whatever, but he only knows how to explain things through kids’ shows? Like, how did you even get your degree? Or your license?”

Kai nodded. “I mean, I guess it makes sense. That hyper ass motherfucker practically is a cartoon character. Like, you know how he literally sings when he walks in the room? Who fucking does that?”

“Yes!” Elliott’s smile finally broke through completely. “Yes, oh my God, yes. And have you noticed the way he’s, like, incapable of sitting still? Like, he practically bounces all over the place, he throws his arms and legs everywhere, and his face—” 

“Oh, way too many facial expressions, for sure,” Kai finished. “Oh! Oh, and sometimes he’ll, like, scrunch his nose up and stick his tongue out when he’s taking notes or whatever? Like—” 

Kai demonstrated, making Elliott snort with laughter. Kai started laughing, too— it wasn’t a particularly funny impression, but something about the dissipating awkwardness in the room made laughter come easier.

“And you can’t talk about any other form of media with him, because he won’t get it!” Elliott continued, their voice brightening throughout the conversation. “Like, anime? Never heard of it.”

“Video games are a bust, too,” Kai added. “Unless it’s, like, ‘Steven Universe: Save the Light’ or some shit.”

Elliott paused before sheepishly holding up a finger. “Actually, I’ll give him that one. My first real session, he, uh, he talked about Steven Universe for an hour, and— I don’t know, it’s not that bad.” They shrugged again, suddenly timid again.

Kai blinked. Backtrack, dumbass, backtrack. “No, yeah, I— I actually think the shit he talks about is… you know, it can be good, or whatever. Helpful.”

Ugh, fuck, that was embarrassing. Even though Kai could admit that Picani’s methods weren’t completely insane, he didn’t wanna share the intimate details of why he was there with someone he just met, even though Elliott seemed like a pretty cool kid.

He was just starting to visualize the letters WWLD in his head— What Would Lauren Do?— but thank fuck, the two of them were saved from any more awkward apologies by Picani’s office door swinging open. Kai slumped even further in his seat, while out of the corner of his eye he saw Elliot go ramrod straight.

A kind looking couple walked out of the office, holding hands and speaking quietly to themselves.

“Alright, Dorry, I’ll see ya next time!” The doctor’s cheerful voice carried into the waiting room as the couple left.

Eliiott darted their eyes to Kai, mouthing, ‘Dorry?’

‘Like the fucking fish?’ Kai mouthed back, making Elliott snort. The noise made Kai struggle to stifle his laughter in the otherwise silent waiting room, and suddenly the two of them were folding in on themselves, hands pressed over their mouths in a weak attempt at keeping quiet.

“Well, hey there, Thing One and Thing Two!”

Kai and Elliott snapped their heads up in unison, looking to where Picani was leaning in the doorway.

“I’m sorry for the wait, but I must say, I’m so happy to see you two smiling for once!” The doctor giggled, smoothing his tie and giving them both a knowing look.

Kai glared at him, opening his mouth to deliver some scathing retort, but he was interrupted by Elliott practically jumping off of the couch.

“Here’s the paperwork you asked me to bring.” They thrust their arm out to Picani, who took the papers and carefully smoothed out their wrinkles.

“Ah, thank you, Elliott! Kai, you mind hanging tight in my office for a second?”

Kai nodded wordlessly, gathering his bag and his skateboard and brusquely moving past the others into the small office. He dropped onto the couch, his bag hitting the ground with a weighty ‘thud’, as he tried not to eavesdrop too much on Picani and Elliott in the hallway. ‘Tried’ being the keyword, since they were about two feet away from the door, and Picani was a loud motherfucker.

“Thanks for bring this in for me, Tinkerbelliott!”

“That barely makes sense,” Elliot’s voice interrupted, and Kai smirked to the empty room. Get his ass, Elliott.

As the conversation continued, Kai let the rise and fall of their voices wash over him. He tried to get into his “whatever” mindset, but he couldn’t stop thinking about the kid in the waiting room.

It was like he and Elliott had some instant fucking connection or anything cheesy like that. They weren’t platonic soulmates, and honestly, it didn’t even seem like they had that much in common. But as Kai sat there, lazily rolling his board back and forth under his feet, he couldn’t help but think about all the crazy shit Picani put him through, and how talking about it with someone who really got it was… kinda fun, or whatever.

“So sorry for the wait, Agni Kai!”

Picani’s chipper voice snapped him out of his thoughts, and suddenly there was the Doc himself, shooting him a friendly smile as he made his way behind his desk.

“I’ve just been busier than a Mighty Bee this morning,” he rambled, sliding Elliott’s paperwork into a file while still managing to talk with his hands. “But I promise, starting this second all of my attention is on you. So!” he finished, folding his hands on the desk and looking at Kai expectantly. “What’s up?”

Kai looked at him for a few seconds before standing, the abrupt movement startling Picani and making him jump back in his rolly chair.

“Kai—?” 

“I’m taking this,” Kai stated, snatching a pen from the cup on his desk before Picani could respond.

“Oh! Um, ok, just be careful because it’s a glitter gel pen—” Picani’s voice got quieter as Kai swung himself out of the office, hoping he could catch Elliott without having to try and run.

Thank fuck, as he turned down the main hallway, he caught a glimpse of a figure dressed mostly in black halfway to the front door.

“Yo, Elliott, hold up!”

They froze for a moment before turning around to face Kai, curiosity and wariness lining their face.

When he got closer, Kai pointed to the folded paper Elliot was holding. “Is that important?”

“Um, no, not really— ah.” They cut themselves off as Kai snatched the paper out of their hand. “Okay.”

Kai didn’t respond as he flipped the paper over, leaning against the wall to scribble something on the back.

“You got Instagram?”

A beat, and then Elliott nodded. Kai finished with a flourish, underlining what he’d written despite it being the only thing on the paper, and passed it back to Elliott.

“Here. Follow me, I’ll follow you back,” he said as Elliott read his messy scrawl, their mouth dropping just slightly.

“Oh!” There was a distinct tone of surprise in their voice, which Kai didn’t comment on. They folded the paper in half and held it tightly in their fist. “Um, thanks, Kai. I’ll— I’ll do that as soon as I get home.”

Kai nodded. There was just a beat of awkward silence before he spun on his heel, walking casually back to Picani’s office.

“Later,” he called over his shoulder, not looking back.

“Um, yeah!” Elliott replied in a voice that clearly wasn’t used to yelling. “Later! Bye!”

Kai heard the front door open and close again by the time he reached Picani’s waiting room. He swung around the corner, feeling uncharacteristically optimistic for his session, but barely stopped himself before he collided with the good doctor himself.

“Woah! Watch out, Speed Racer!” Picani chirped, looking down at Kai. “Thought you were trying to make a run for it.”

Kai rolled his eyes before setting his gaze somewhere over the other man’s shoulder. “I left literally all of my shit in your office, obviously I was coming back.”

“Well, you just left in a real hurry, is all!” Picani replied, reaching up to straighten his tie. His voice went strangely neutral as he continued to ask, “Did you need to talk to Elliott before they left?”

Kai’s eyes flicked back to the doctor’s face, and— ugh, fuck, Picani was looking at him with that annoying sort of half-smile he always got when he thought Kai had reached some stupid ‘breakthrough’.

Kai flushed, folding his arms across his chest. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“Picani—” 

“Nothing!” Picani replied with faux-innocence, putting his hands up defensively. “Just nice to see you making a friend, that’s all.”

Kai groaned, rolling his eyes so hard they nearly got stuck in the back of his head.

“Don’t be weird, man,” he grumbled, pushing past Picani into his office. He pretended not to hear the doctor’s amused chuckle as he followed him in, gently shutting the two of them in for what Kai was certain would be yet another absolutely ridiculous (yet unfortunately helpful) therapy session.

[imaginepirates]

Loving and Loved

A third part to Scarred and Scared! For @kay-maybe, who wanted some more Beckett. Well, here you have it. Featuring: an incredible amount of self-consciousness and some tender treatment. 

~3000 words

@paljonkaikenlaista @emdrabbles @tesserphantom @viper-official

~~~~~~~

          The weeks following your capture were pleasant. Beckett had certainly found a new use for you, and you were enjoying yourself more than you’d like to admit. He always had a hand on yours, and he would press light kisses to your knuckles or the back of your hand. Occasionally, when he was feeling particularly bold, he’d ask you to guide one of his hands to your cheek so he could kiss you there. Only when you were alone did he let you kiss him on the lips, and you could feel him smile when you did so.

          Currently, you were rubbing the sleep from your eyes, stretching in the morning sun that streamed through the curtains. You donned your usual robe; Beckett gave you robes of all colors and levels of scandal to wear around the house. You indulged him, even if he couldn’t see you. They were comfortable, and light in the Jamaican heat. You chose one of seafoam green with little white shells embroidered across it. Fitting, you thought, given your location.

          Though Beckett owned a dining room, he hardly ever used it. You met him in his office during most mealtimes, unless he was meeting with somebody over food, which was the case more often than you might have liked.

          You visited the kitchens to get a tray filled with breakfast foods before walking back to his office. You gave the door a little push with your hip and entered, setting the food on a table in the middle of the space. He hummed, acknowledging that you were there.

          “I brought breakfast,” you told him.

          He leaned back in his chair, looking up in your direction. “I can smell that. A good thing too, because all I’ve had is tea.”

          “I figured as much.” He drank enough tea to fill an ocean. You walked over to him, helping him out of his chair and over to the table. He was getting better at walking, you noticed. It didn’t take him as long to move from place to place. Everything was slowly becoming easier for him, and you were glad to see it.

          He yawned upon reaching his seat, and you handed him a pastry. “Will you keep me company this morning?” He asked.

          “Of course.” You often did, simply sitting in a chair near him, reading a book, your hand over his. It was nice enough, and he always wore a small smile when you stayed.

          “I’ve scheduled the servants to have tomorrow to themselves. They’ll be leaving this evening.” Beckett picked at his pastry, eating small chunks at a time.

          It was the first time he’d scheduled a day off for his household servants, but you heard it wasn’t uncommon. Every month and a half or so, he’d give them a day entirely to themselves. That, of course, had been before his injury, when he’d been self-sufficient. You assumed you’d be staying with him, even if you didn’t consider yourself a servant.

          “Will you be leaving as well?” he asked.

          “Why would I? You need somebody to take care of you.”

          “I’m sure I can find someone up to the task. Besides, you haven’t been able to properly explore the city since arriving here. It’s a beautiful city; don’t let me hinder you.”

          You moved closer, placing a reassuring hand on his arm. “You’re not a hindrance to me. Not you.”

          He didn’t respond, nor did you expect him to. He was unused to your compliments and assurances, and you thought it possible that he didn’t quite believe them. Over the past few weeks, he’d been shocked by your kindness, and it had clearly shown. You pitied him a little for that. How he’d grown so unused to any kind of affection baffled you. Had it really been so long since somebody had cared for him?

          You assumed, by the way things were now, that Beckett lived a solitary life. He was surrounded by his work and his domestics, but they weren’t people he shared his life with on a personal level. His thoughts and feelings were kept to himself, creating a lonely man.

          You helped Beckett back to the chair at his desk. He’d have servants to read all the papers to him and write down his responses, so you could continue your regular routine of reading by his side. You sat with a copy of Macbeth, enjoying the soft sounds of the ocean from outside. Without his sight, Beckett was primarily concerned with sound, so he made sure windows were left open so he could hear things he couldn’t see. He was at his most calm when outside, listening to cicadas and birds during the early evening. You agreed that it was less stressful than the sounds of people, and less dull than the readings of documents.

          Though you had learned, while reading, to block out the voices around you, you had a harder time ignoring your own thoughts. Lately, they had plagued you with nothing but worry and guilt. You’d been staying with Beckett for weeks with no knowledge of what was happening in the outside world. Sure, you could read the latest news from London and women’s fashion, but you wanted to know about your world. You wanted to know about piracy.

          Every time you thought about it, a pang of guilt shot through your chest. You were living a life of luxury with Beckett to provide for you, the exact same luxury you’d so hated before. This sort of wealth went against your moral code. No one person should control so much, especially if they were controlling human lives in the process, one of the many things Beckett did on a daily basis. You worried that you were changing into a new person, somebody you shouldn’t be. You were getting accustomed to living with the enemy.

          The enemy. Exactly what Beckett was, really. It hurt you to think so. You’d grown close with him- too close- and every minute with him drove you to insanity. You couldn’t decide if it was bad of you to love a person you knew was the enemy of your lifestyle. He was your opposite, and you’d been taught to hate his kind from a young age, but you found that his treatment of you was far better than most people’s. You were afraid of what this meant. If it meant giving up your old self, you weren’t sure you could stay, no matter how much you wanted to.

          In truth, you were afraid of how close you were to him.

          Evening came, and the servants were dismissed. You hadn’t been paying attention to the time, distracted with reading. Dinner came and went, and it came time to retire to your rooms. The house was strangely quiet with nobody but the two of you, and it felt entirely too big.

          You took Beckett back to his room, unsure of what to do next. With no servants to help him, you weren’t sure he could do everything himself. You were a bit nervous about leaving him alone; he had a tendency to try doing things he shouldn’t, and you were afraid he would hurt himself. He was too stubborn to admit he needed help with things, so you weren’t sure if you should bother asking him if he wanted you to stay.

          As if to prove your point, he fumbled with the buttons of his waistcoat, unsuccessfully struggling to rid himself of it. You pushed his hands aside, unbuttoning it yourself. He protested slightly, but you undid the waistcoat and set it on a chair.

          “I can do that myself, you know,” he grumbled.

          “I know you can, but I can help you. For convenience’s sake.”

          “I have to be allowed to do something myself.”

          You sighed. “I know it makes you feel better to do things yourself. I just want to help you. You’re taking care of me here, and I want to care for you in return.” So saying, you pulled at the ties on his undershirt, letting the top hang open.

          “You’re rather eager to undress me, aren’t you?” A smirk played across his lips. “Shouldn’t you at least be taking your time with me?”

          “Oh, I don’t know.” You had your fingers tucked around the bottom of his shirt, tugging it upwards to get it over his head.

          Beckett’s fingers closed around your wrists, keeping your hands in place. You were startled by the quickness of his movements. He stared uncomfortably at the floor, lips pursed. You hadn’t thought he would mind your helping him, but his face said otherwise. You found yourself feeling a little hurt.

          “I can do the rest myself,” he whispered.

          “I’m sorry.” You didn’t quite understand his reluctance. He’d just been flirting with you the moment before, even though you’d meant the act as being nothing but helpful. “I hope I didn’t overstep anything.”

          “No, no,” he assured you. “I would just rather you not see.”

          “See what?” You were thoroughly confused. You’d taken off his shirt before, in the lighthouse, to apply salve to his burns. It was nothing you hadn’t seen before.

          “The burns. The scars. The obvious signs of age and the… eating habits of the upper class.” He continued to stare at the floor, as if he would see disappointment or horror on your face if he looked. As if he already could.

          “Cutler.” You spoke softly, but he flinched as if you’d hit him. “I’ve seen it all before. There’s nothing for you to be embarrassed about.”

          “I was unconscious then, so I didn’t have to deal with your reaction. I admit, I care about your opinion of me too much now.”

          His admission took you by surprise. “You don’t think I’m judging you, do you?”

          “Everyone else has.”

          “Well, I’m not everyone else.” You cupped his cheek, running your thumb across it lightly, tracing over his scars. You pressed a kiss to his cheek, pausing to whisper his name. “It’s been a long time since anyone’s said it, hasn’t it?”

          He hummed his agreement. “It sounds sweeter on your tongue than it ever did on anyone else’s.”

          You blushed a little. He still got to you, sometimes. Most of the time, actually, but you’d never admit it. “Do you trust me?”

          He hesitated. “Yes.”

          You slipped a hand under his shirt, lightly tracing over his chest and stomach. He stiffened, and his breath hitched, making you smile. “Have you let someone do this to you before?”

          “I was considerably younger.” One of his hands came to rest in your hair, his fingers tangled in it.

          When you finally lifted his shirt over his head, he gasped faintly, just enough for you to hear. He crossed his arms over his chest in what you guessed was an attempt to hide himself.

          “Don’t be afraid of me,” you whispered. You rested your hands on his chest as his arms fell to his sides. You stared for a moment at the burns covering his body before you kissed him. He let you do so eagerly, returning the kiss with a searing one of his own.

          You both pulled away a moment later, and his hands came to rest on your waist. “Are you sure you want this?” He sounded more vulnerable and unsure than you’d ever heard him.

          “I make it a point not to do things I don’t want to. As it stands, you have all my attention.”

          “Oh.”

          Suddenly, you came together again, your mouths hungry for one another. He pulled you close, fingers pressing firmly into your sides, holding you in place. You smiled into your kisses; if he liked anything, he liked control.

          He kissed you desperately, his body pressed flush against yours. The sensation was both overwhelming and delightful. You let your hands wander to his back, feeling his scars there. Your fingers found thin scars among them, clearly caused by something other than his burns.

          “What happened?” you whispered between kisses, your fingers tracing the scar.

          “Pirates.” Beckett took a shaky breath. “I was eighteen. My ship was taken by a pirate, and he had no trouble bestowing his gifts,” he said bitterly.

          Things began to make sense. No wonder Beckett hated pirates so much. “I’m so sorry.”

          “It’s not your doing.” And, as if reading your mind, he added, “I don’t hate you for who you are. I know you’re still a pirate at heart. But you’ve shown me the most tenderness I’ve ever known.”

          “I hope to continue doing so,” you answered. You lightly traced his burns with a finger. “You should get some sleep.”

          “I suppose.” He made no move towards the bed, instead preferring to let your fingers wander over his skin. “Will you join me?”           Too embarrassed to answer, you stood trying to form words that you couldn’t quite find. You knew your face must be burning red.

          “I only mean to sleep.”

          You gave an inward sigh of relief. Kissing him had been enough excitement for the evening. You weren’t sure you should do too many firsts at once. You agreed to stay, helping him to the bed and climbing in next to him. The experience was new to you, and you were unsure of what to do. Thankfully, Beckett answered your question by wrapping an arm around you when you laid down, pulling you closer to him. Your back was pressed against his chest. You considered, briefly, how indecent it was to wear nothing but a silk robe while in bed with him, but you ignored the intrusive thoughts, instead focusing on his arm around you.

          “Sleep,” he mumbled.

          You did, drifting off comfortably with Beckett next to you.

          Sunlight filtered through the curtains when you woke, and you turned over to find Beckett still asleep against you. He rubbed his eyes as you rolled over, letting go of your waist. You stretched out on the bed, then turned your attention to your bedmate. Beckett sat up sleepily, his short hair sticking up from his head. Yours wasn’t any better, you knew, but you laughed all the same.

          “And I’m sure your hair is perfectly styled,” he said after you explained your amusement.

          “I’m sure mine’s a mess. Worse than yours, because it’s longer.”

          “Shame I can’t see it. I suppose I could feel it, if I liked.” His fingers curled into your hair, and he tugged you forward suddenly, kissing you. You could feel his smirk against your lips.

          “You’re wicked,” you breathed.

          “So I’ve been told.” He pushed himself up to sit beside you and groped around his bedside table. “I don’t suppose you can see where my nightshirt went to.”

          You rolled out of bed, snatching the shirt up from off the floor where you’d left it. You handed it to Beckett, who pulled it over his head, and you sat on the edge of the bed. “Should we go to breakfast? The servants will be back by now.” You were starving, having only picked at your dinner the night before. Then, in a more panicked tone, “should I leave before they find us together like this? They might think….”

          “Oh, bugger what they think. And what of it? You’re no lady, no socially important woman. There would be no scandal anyway.”

          “I am a pirate. A few of them know that, anyway.”

          “All the better.” He stretched and patted the sheets next to him. “I don’t have to meet anyone until later this morning. Come back to bed for a while longer.”

          You slid back under the sheets. You remained sitting, but found that the covers kept your legs warm while you were in your robe. Beckett’s hand found yours, intertwining your fingers. His hands were warm, and he rubbed little circles into the back of your hand with a thumb.

          “Do you like it here?” He asked softly.

          You hesitated. Of course you did, but your thoughts wouldn’t leave you. Somehow, this was wrong, no matter how much you enjoyed Beckett’s company. “I do,” you answered after a moment.

          Beckett frowned. “Something’s bothering you.” He swallowed. “You can always tell me if my affection is uncomfortable.”

          You almost rolled your eyes. Wasn’t I the one who took off his shirt? “It’s not you,” you assured him. “I just….miss my old life. I feel like I’m betraying it, somehow.”

          “Listen to me.” He cupped your cheek, turning your face to look him in his milky eyes. “You owe that part of your life nothing. You’re allowed to grow, and change, and do new things. The old part of you doesn’t have to die for you to add more to yourself. You can be the same person you’ve always been, and you can have new things, too. You aren’t defined by one thing, and you can’t be blamed for staying with me. Why turn away comfort and security? It costs you nothing. I’m not asking for anything in return, so why leave? Nobody would blame you. You’re not doing the wrong thing.”

          “It goes against everything I’ve ever known,” you admitted.

          “Then learn something new. Learn that you aren’t betraying yourself by choosing a new path. And you don’t have to stay here, if you don’t wish to.”

          “If I left, I’d be leaving you behind.”

          “Yes. I’d rather you stay, of course.” Then, softly, “I do love you.”

          You pulled him closer, giving him a light kiss. “I know. Don’t think I would have stayed here so long if I didn’t love you in return.”

          His eyes went wide, and you couldn’t help finding his surprise to be adorable. “Oh.”

          “Have I not made it obvious?”

          “I didn’t want to assume.” A smile lit up his face. “You won’t mind staying in our current arrangement, then?”

          “I’d like nothing better.”

          You’d found a good life for yourself with him, you realized. Strange, but good.

[hunterinabrowncoat]

Confession and Religious Trauma

I was reading a chapter in Nadia Bolz-Webber’s amazing book ‘Accidental Saints’ the other day, about sin and confession. The idea of Confession with a Capital ‘C’ is pretty foreign to me, having grown up in an Evangelical church. That kind of stuff was far too Catholic, and therefore suspect.

In my tradition, you just say sorry to God in your private prayer time, and it’s all forgiven already anyway because of the Doctrine of Grace means God looks at people who’ve Accepted Jesus As Personal Lord and Saviour and sees Jesus in all his perfection instead.

Pastor Bolz-Webber said some great stuff about sin. Like this:

“In the end, we aren’t punished for our sins so much as we are punished by our sins.

And sin is just the state of human brokenness in which what we say and do causes these sometimes tiny and sometimes monstrous fractures in our earth, in ourselves, in those we love, and sometimes even in our own bodies.”

I like the way she presented sin; not as some stain that dirties us and needs to be washed away, but the state of human brokenness we all inhabit. And in that light, confession stops being about making you feel guilty or reminding yourself how many bad things you’ve done, but rather is about giving you freedom from the guilt that already consumes you and the things that are eating at your conscience. It’s about coming to God, coming to community, and finding healing and restoration from that brokenness through God’s beautiful, raging mercy. It offers release and a chance to experience God’s grace through community and liturgy.

But like much of the Christian liturgy, I really struggle to engage with it. Partly because it’s so foreign to me and just feels a bit... weird. But partly because of religious trauma.

As I’ve spoken briefly about before, in deconstructing my faith and Evangelical upbringing, I’ve become disillusioned with and wanted to distance myself from many of the practices I grew up with. I feel uncomfortable in those spaces now. And in its absence, I desperately long for religious ritual and festivals; for meaningful practice that connects me to my ancestors and my community through collective tradition.

And yet, whenever I am in a Christian space that has liturgy, or that is more traditional, I am just left feeling distinctly uncomfortable, disconnected and out of place. It feels as though this is someone else’s tradition, something I have no connection to.

I haven’t found a solve for this yet, honestly. I just continue to go to church and feel out of place.

And maybe that’s part of why I struggle to engage with confession. But that’s not all it is, because it’s not just alien, it’s deeply uncomfortable and difficult.

I’m not going to pretend that all of my problems with saying sorry are about church and the way I was churched, because I also struggle to say sorry to other people. It’s a pride thing. Even when I feel bad, it’s like the word physically get stuck in my throat. I dislike being vulnerable with other people, and I find actually verbally talking to people about difficult or personal things, like, really hard.

But I also can’t deny the impact that my religious upbringing had on the way I view apologies, especially confession. When I engage with that part of the liturgy, or that practice, when it comes time to confess, I don’t experience absolution or God’s grace or any sense of release. Instead, I am overcome with feelings of toxic shame and guilt and self-hatred that my Evangelical upbringing instilled in me.

I grew up in a tradition that taught the concept of ‘Original Sin’. It told me I am inherently dirty and I was born unclean and I could never do enough to earn God’s favour because I will always fall short. Needless to say, it’s done a number on me.

The concept of Original Sin, as well as the emphasis Evangelicalism puts on sin, particularly things that in the grand scheme of things are often inconsequential like having sexual thoughts about somebody or swearing or feeling perfectly natural human emotions like anger, is incredibly damaging. It makes you feel guilty for enjoying anything. It makes you feel so much shame simply for being a perfectly ordinary human being with normal, human desires and needs and emotions.

People who are much more learned and articulate than me have written extensively about the subject. But needless to say, it caused me a lot of self-hatred, and a lot of guilt and shame that just festers as the sort of background noise to my life.

So much of my deconstruction journey has been letting go of that and learning to experience life without feeling guilty about everything. I’m allowed to enjoy things just because they’re enjoyable. Pleasure isn’t sinful. Who I am - my queerness, my sexuality, my gender - aren’t sinful. Indulgence isn’t sinful. Experiencing emotions aren’t sinful - they’re perfectly normal and healthy, and the important thing is not to deny them but allow myself to experience them, and make sure my actions and responses to them are measured and appropriate.

Then I come to confession, and I feel all of that guilt and shame and self-hatred creeping back in and undoing all of that work.

I was taught, growing up, that not only are we all born inherently sinful and stained, but also that we all sin every day. And when it came to prayer, and we were encouraged to say sorry to God for the bad things we’d done (you know the teaspoon [TSP] prayer - Thank you, Sorry, and Please). There will always be something to say sorry for, and to think otherwise means you’re proud or conceited, because we’re all imperfect and we all do things wrong.

And I don’t think that’s necessarily untrue. We are all imperfect. Even when we don’t fuck up in some big way that plays on our conscience for ages, we all say or do things that are less than kind. There are always situations where we could have shown a little more grace, or had a little more patience, or shown a little more love. None of us are perfect. We do all make mistakes.

But when it comes to confession, I often can’t think of anything to confess. I can’t think of something I’ve done recently that that I need for absolution over. Rarely do I do things and feel really torn up about it later. And if I do, it’s usually because of anxiety and not because I’ve committed some heinous grievance against my fellow humans.

When people tell me I’ve hurt them, I apologise and I try to do better. And... there is the resolution. When I feel I’ve wronged someone, I apologise and I try to do better. And there is the resolution.

To then bring it up again to God during confession feels like pointlessly drudging back up stuff that has already been sorted, for no reason other than to remind me of all the ways that I’m imperfect.

There’s also the issue of course, the eternal Exvangelical Sturggle, of “is the guilt I feel actually a reasonable amount of guilt to feel due to something I’ve genuinely done wrong, or do I just feel a deep sense of shame because it was effectively instilled in me that I am dirty and bad and I’ve learned to feel awful for many things that I don’t believe are wrong at all, like... experiencing human emotions, or seeking pleasure, or saying ‘no’?”

So in the absence of things I actually feel guilty over, I often confess rather vaguely... Sorry for all the times I wasn’t as patient or gracious as I could have been. Sorry for the times I could have got up and done something, but instead was lazy and just didn’t. Sorry for all the ways I’ve fallen short this week. Sorry for all the petitions I didn’t sign or GoFundMes I didn’t donate to that I could have if I didn’t buy that book or that t-shirt. Sorry for being selfish. Sorry for not getting all my work done this week. Sorry for every time I forgot to read my Bible. Sorry for every instance I could have prayed but didn’t.

And it just feels like it quickly becomes “sorry for not being good enough”. Which is a horrible way to think about yourself.

I’ve done so much work to get myself to see that I am enough. To be kind to myself. To forgive myself. To accept that I am not nor will I ever be perfect. That I cannot be everything and give everything and do everything. That I’m a limited human being, and that’s okay.

And confession just makes me feel like I’m undoing all of that work. And honestly? I just don’t know what to do with that.

I don’t know if this is a common experience for people deconstructing their faith and trying to reconstruct some kind of meaningful practice. I don’t know if I need to “fix” this and find a way to engage with confession. I’d like to think that God is big enough to find a way to reach us all, even with our messiness and complexities and all our baggage.

[couldbegayer]

Okay, I feel like this is something I need to write.

This is something I have been thinking about for a very long time, never ever telling a soul, and it’s eating away at me now to the point where I don’t think I can ignore it any longer.

I think I could be trans. I’m trying to brush it off but I know deep down that it is probably the case.

I just need to write this to get my thoughts out, to process it, so that at least I’m telling someone; you, a random person on the internet. Right now you’re the most important person in the world to me. You’re going to read some things that I’m only just admitting to myself so please be kind and compassionate with me.

I’ve always thought I felt different to everyone else. Now I’m realising it probably wasn’t just me being into girls.

I remember playing with the boys at school and feeling more at home with them than with the girls who were playing with dolls. For a brief period I tried, and I mean like one day, to play with dolls but I just couldn’t do it.

I was annoyed at lining up in the girls line. Couldn’t explain why. I think I wanted to be in the boys line. At the end of lunch I would arm wrestle the boys to win their spot in the line. Trying to out-boy the boys.

Puberty came and I desperately didn’t want breasts. I walked around without a shirt for as long as I could until one night before dinner my mum told me I couldn’t do that anymore. I was disappointed. My breasts grew and I was ashamed of them. I wore a thick jumper in the Australian summer, kept it on while playing sports in the blistering heat, just so others didn’t see them. I wanted so desperately to hide them.

When I was fifteen or so and staying at a hotel, I saw myself naked in a full length mirror for the first time. I’d never seen myself like that. I stared at my reflection for what felt like half an hour. I didn’t shower. I just looked at my body and didn’t recognise it. I was numb.

I haven’t looked at my genitalia since... well, I can’t think of a time I did. I avoid looking. I don’t want to, it makes me feel uncomfortable and has always felt ‘wrong’. Didn’t know why. Still can’t really explain it. I can’t insert anything it because of the mental discomfort, even tampons. Just the thought of it is off.

I am very uncomfortable when patients refer to me as a lady or a woman. It used to be a mild annoyance, like how it feels when someone spells something wrong or uses incorrect grammar but it’s not really significant enough to correct them.. Now it is starting to make me feel kind of unwell. Not like vomit inducing but it makes my stomach drop or lurch. Hate my full name, if anyone calls me Jessica I feel very disconnected to it. Its too feminine. Hate it. Jess is more my speed as it is a little bit more andro. Still a bit feminine but there is wiggle room. It is short for Jessica or Jesse?

I feel like I’ve only just been writing the reasons why I don’t fit being a woman. Even referring to myself as a woman just... makes me feel strange, it’s wrong and I can’t explain it. But anyway, I need to also write the reasons why being masculine/a man fit better..

So my best male friend ok is very unknowingly gender affirming to me. He calls me man, dude, etc and it has always made me feel nice and warm. Like I’m seen. We have shown up to things dressed in pretty much the same clothes. At work we were once mistaken for twins by a patient who was very high on pain meds. It made me so happy and has become a running joke. I have an intense desire to be like him because he is a genuinely great guy and if I was a man, I would want to be like him. Hanging out with him is like hanging out with a brother but I don’t want to be a sister. I want him to see me as like him.

At work its strange. I feel more at home when I’m around male coworkers. Feel the odd one out when I’m with women. Hard to explain. I always have the most fun when I’m around above friend and one of our other coworkers, nothing gets done because we're too busy being idiots. I told this to one of our students a few months ago (bit of a dick tbh) and he told me, “you’re not a man” and basically that i should stop trying to be. Made me feel terrible for a while.

(TMI coming up) Can’t get off unless I fantasise about having a penis. I can try not to but it takes longer and is not as good. I made something to use to masturbate with like a man and it feels better, takes way less time and is much more intense. Feels more natural, like i have a phantom penis, like I should have a penis, would make more sense tbh. Every time after I finish it’s like I feel like a man, my mind settles in a way that makes me comfortable like yes, this is what it should be like. And I do think that I want a penis instead. I don’t know.

I want to be strong and caring for a woman, which I know can be done as a woman but it feels different. Part of me feels like I could probably live my life as a female (can’t even bring myself to write woman, it makes me feel that strange) and be okay and otherwise happy. But I shouldn’t have to be just ok. I’m not sure.

When it comes down to it, I saw something on a post a few months ago about “searching for a sign” that you’re trans. It said, if you could press a button right now that would instantly make you the opposite gender, that you were always that gender without physical or social consequences, would you press the button?

I genuinely think that I would. And it scares me to death because I’m not sure what happens next.

I don’t know. I’m just looking for someone to talk to about this. For someone to be affirming and give me advice on what to do from here. I’m still questioning. What do I do? It has been eating me up inside for years and I’m scared of the answer that I know I’m getting to. Help.

[emoboijk]

MYG | Lo-Fi Beats (04)

Lo-Fi: an aesthetic of recorded music in which the sound quality is lower than the usual contemporary standards so that imperfections of the recording and production are audible.—fluff, angst, idol!au

prologue :: 01 :: 02 :: 03 :: 04 :: 05 :: 06 :: epilogue

1,617 words

p.cred

This time as you sat on the benches overlooking the river, you felt uneasy instead of relaxed, nervous instead of happy. Daniel Ito still hadn’t shown; you wondered if it was some sort of tactic, being late, to keep the power and control in his favor. It was working.

You hadn’t told Yoongi who had called last night, had told him it was your Grandmother instead. He wouldn’t have wanted you to meet him, would have stuck his ground about staying in Seoul. But it left a pit in your stomach to lie to him like that.

And you were having doubts. Yoongi was an adult and he had the right to make his own decisions. Who were you to choose otherwise? Who were you to go over his head and...manipulate him? Is that what this was?

But, at the same time, you did want him to have every opportunity available, and maybe he hadn’t fully considered this one. Maybe you could help create a plan that would guarantee the best of both worlds.

Either way, you felt incredibly nauseous.

You sighed. Even to you, your excuses seemed shoddy and your doubts seemed valid. You were just about to leave and stand up when Daniel Ito, the devil himself, appeared.

He stood in front of the sun, casting you in his shadow, and smirked, holding out a paper cup to you, “Cocoa?”

A shiver ran down your spine and you clenched your fists in your jacket pockets as if you had been electrocuted. You liked this man less and less with each passing moment. “No.” You stood and added, “Actually, I was just leaving.”

You only got two steps away before he said, “I don’t believe that to be in your best interest.”

“Excuse me?” When you turned around, Daniel was sitting on the bench casually, sipping the cocoa with one leg crossed over the other. It was as if someone had opened the encyclopedia to “power stance” and pulled out the picture. It unnerved you.

“It’s your grandmother, isn’t it?” he said, cocking an eyebrow at you, “That you send money to every month?”

You were frozen in place, staring at him with your heart pounding in your ears.

“It would be unfortunate should her medical bills suddenly become due, or her mortgage too steep to pay. Was it a...stroke last fall? That put her in the hospital?”

“What do you want?” Your voice seemed small and you hated it. He was a bully. If only your voice were more controlled, your back straighter, your eyes fiercer...But even you couldn’t fool yourself into thinking his expression was anything but predatory. He was dangerous in a way no innocent bully could be.

He stood from the bench and walked toward you slowly. Once he stood in front of you, he raised his hand and drew a gloved finger down your cheek; it was warm and his touch made you feel like property, like he could own you. He shrugged casually, in a way that was all power. You couldn’t hold back the uncomfortable shudder that went down your spine.

“I want you out of the way.”

And just like that, he wasn’t touching you anymore. He took a step back, out of your breathing room. You took a sigh of relief. His arms were crossed and he gave you a cold once-over. Not for the first time.

“Why?”

He shrugged again, “I’ve been watching you and him. He’ll be much easier to manipulate if you’re gone.”

Your eyes turned to steel and your blood to ice. “Yoongi? You’re going to try to manipulate Yoongi?” You couldn’t keep the disbelief from your voice.

Daniel chuckled without humor, “You’d be surprised the things people will do in the face of heartbreak.”

You opened your mouth to protest but his threats against your grandmother lingered in your mind and you found your resolve crumbling. Guilt welled in your chest because you already knew you would do whatever you had to in order to keep your family safe. You hoped Yoongi was stronger than you were.

Daniel told you the plan with an even, monotone voice, like he was bored, like he wasn’t single-handedly destroying your life, like he wasn’t asking you to choose between the love of your life and your family. “Do it today. I’ll be watching.” And then he left you at the river, wishing you could jump in.

You waited until it was nearly the end of the day. You went through the motions of your job robotically, typing the note Daniel had instructed you to write during your lunch break when everyone else was gone. You texted Yoongi to meet you at 5:45 outside the dance studio, but ignored and avoided him other than that.

It was 5:44 and you were leaning against the wall in the open space outside the dance room, feeling like you actually might vomit. You had somehow managed to avoid Minji and Jihoon before leaving, but that now seemed pointless as they headed straight for you.

“Hey, are you okay?” Minji said, holding your arm and looking at you with wide eyes. They both started to say something else, but everything turned to white noise when you saw people begin to file out of the studio.

The moment you locked your eyes on Yoongi, your heart plummeted, because he looked so happy, his eyes crinkling with his signature gummy smile. He looked so happy and you weren’t sure how you were going to do this. You stepped past your friends, vaguely aware of all the people now in the hallway, as you approached Yoongi.

“Hey, what’s up?” he said, taking off his hat and running his fingers through his hair (it’s sweaty) before replacing it on his head, “Are you okay? You don’t look so good.”

“I’m leaving,” you said. It was louder than you intended, but you couldn’t worry about your volume when all you could think about was the things Daniel told you to say and how deeply they were going to hurt you.

“What? Now?” Yoongi looked at his watch, “I thought you had a meeting with Michelle tonight?”

You took a deep breath, “No. I’m leaving Seoul.”

Yoongi’s brow furrowed, and he chuckled half-heartedly, “What?” He watched your expression like he expected you to crack a smile, but he frowned when you never did, “C’mon, that’s not funny.”

You stiffened as you felt everyone in the room slow down and pause to pay attention, you saw Daniel with some of the managers and producers out of the corner of your eye. You rubbed your lips together to try and steel your resolve, your voice turning chilly as you said, “I don’t think we should be friends anymore.”

“What?” Yoongi was taken aback.

“I,” you swallowed, looking away from him because you felt like crying, “I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.”

He was angry then and confused. He glared at you, “We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.”

You steeled your gaze against him, “Do I?”

“Don’t do this,” he said, shaking his head in disbelief, “Don’t fucking do this.”

“I’ll do whatever the hell I want,” you said, crossing your arms across your chest and glaring at him so hard that it almost hurt.

“Fuck you, okay?” he said, “Just…fuck you for this. Fuck…” he ran a hand through his hair anxiously, his hands shaking with frustration and anger. “You know,” he said, his eyes meeting yours with such brilliant anger that they glowed, “you know there’s more to us than…shit.” He threw his hands in the air as if pleading to a higher power, his eyes searching your face for a sign of recognition. But it was like you were a different person, like some sort of switch had flipped.

For just a moment, barely a microsecond, your expression softened at the edges—a sympathy in your eyes, an insecure downturn of the lips, a confused wrinkle in your brow. Then, softly, like there was no more air in your lungs, “Leave me alone, Yoongi.”

“Fucking hell,” he cursed, throwing his hands in the air and looking at you like he didn’t recognize you. He turned and walked away, your eyes on his back sadly the whole time.

“Right,” you whispered, blinking back the tears that threatened to fall now that he wasn’t looking. You pulled at your jean mini-skirt, suddenly feeling naked and vulnerable.

You could see the other members watching you as Yoongi shoved his way through them, their expressions confused and betrayed and angry at the edges. You furrowed your brow and frowned, trying to find a glimmer of understanding amongst them. But, one after the other, they turned and followed Yoongi, their sighs signal enough of their disappointment.

When you turned around there were tears in your eyes, and you were met with the staff members, your friends. Their expressions were the same—knit brows, cold eyes, stiff postures. Confusion.

You turned to Jihoon and the others, holding out the folded piece of paper with the word RESUME printed across it, “I’m sorry I have to leave without notice. I’m moving back to Daegu.”

Minji said your name softly, like a question and you turned to her with a fearful expression. She reached out for you, “Daegu?”

“My family…” you started, your cheeks heating with embarrassment as you realized how many people were watching you, how many people had seen what you’d done to Yoongi. To the love of your life. To your best friend. “I have to go,” you whispered, bowing again to Jihoon and forcing the note into his hands, “I’m sorry.”

author’s note—this was the first part i wrote to this series, their breakup :( 

05: daniel ito is full of shit ↝

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[xathia-89]

Mafia AU Part 5

True to his word, the press were more than a little relentless. And to keep the whole image up, Shingen was taking me to his work now most days, and surrounded by bodyguards of course. All I was really doing was playing 'dutiful fiancée' and using my tablet to plan the wedding of course.

Then an article popped up that made me pause as I was looking through a trashy media website for some glitzy ideas.

"Shingen?" I was hesitant to disturb him during his work, but I wasn't entirely sure that he wouldn't want to wait.

"What?" He frowned, though his tone wasn't harsh. It was firm and gave me an opening. I chose to say nothing and handed my tablet over with the article displayed. It was making the claims that it wasn't a true engagement, neither of us had ever been seen sharing a kiss or a moment of passion, and it was most certainly boosting Shingen's image alone. Then a line about my 'possible connections' to the well-known mob boss, Nobunaga Oda, since I shared a similar appearance with one of his top people and a surname as well. "We'll address that," he abruptly said, his mood souring after handing me the tablet back. "Yuki will take you home, I am going to be late now."

For once, his tone wasn't directed at me. He had softened almost, and I certainly wasn't allowed anywhere alone. It was the press that were starting to irritate me more than my fiancé, they simply wanted to see everything all the time, and would turn up at any appointment we made. I felt as though I had lost every right to privacy since coming back the second I started to step outside of the manor.

Yukimura was as salty as ever it felt like. The bodyguards were always focused on my movements rather than Shingen's. He lived for the spotlight, where it terrified me. I needed the shield and protection, and at least Takeda seemed to understand that about me as he ordered them to block me from the cameras.

"Miss Toyotomi!" Was all that was being shouted as we left the building. I kept my head down, and let the guys do their jobs. Not that it stopped them from yelling things at me as I got into the car.

"Apparently some people have nothing better to do," Yukimura scoffed once we had pulled away.

"Someone wrote an accusatory article that the engagement is a fraud because we've never been caught kissing," I brought up. I wasn't sure why as I glanced out of the tinted window to watch the world go by. "He didn't look very impressed when he gave me my tablet back."

"Wait, he's staying because of an article you found?" Sanada did a double take before I brought the article up for him to read over. "Witchcraft," he spat, thrusting it back at me after glancing it over. "That would never warrant a response from Shingen," he glared at me accusingly.

"All I did was show it to him, and he decided that I was going back and he was staying late," I scoffed, narrowing my eyes at the man.

"Coincidence," Yukimura was determined to stay on his current path. "He would never do all this for a woman," I heard him mutter under his breath but gave no signs to indicate that I had heard him.

A buzz on the intercom made me jump but got my attention in the middle of the mindless internet scrolling I was doing.

"Natsuki, are you decent?" I was surprised to hear Shingen asking before entering for once.

"Yeah," I replied after a short pause and then heard my door being opened.

Shingen let himself in and sat down on the armchair that had now been installed in my 'room'. He had taken note that I appreciated the two-seater sofa, and had made a measure to incorporate some boundaries it seemed after my brief reunion with my brother. I could see he wasn't looking as calm and collected as usual, and decided that maybe giving him a slighter easier time would get me some answers as I walked over from the office space and dropped my weight into the sofa.

"Because of that lovely article you found, it's forced my hand a little," he started. "I'm not angry at you for finding it, it would have caused a lot more of a problem for us both if you hadn't really. But the press are more than a little thirsty for us; it seems," Shingen didn't seem entirely comfortable with the whole idea. "I've had to arrange a glitzy interview because otherwise, it will simply be all rumours. Someone will be attending in a few hours because it has to move fast. I believe there should be a trouser suit that you haven't been photographed in yet in the wardrobe, and I would like you to wear that, and get your hair and makeup sorted for it, please," the manners and requests instead of ordering me around were taking me off guard. "I will get Yuki to fetch you when she's due to arrive, but if you could get sorted now, I would appreciate it."

"Only because you asked nicely and told me what was going on," I replied, tilting my head slightly before the redhead stood up, and then bowed politely before leaving. The complete turn around in character was a change, it was as though he'd realised I was a person instead of a pawn before I realised that I had just agreed to attend a press interview and now had to get myself ready and presentable.

She wasn't what I was expecting in a reporter. She offered her hand only to the renown playboy, a dark brunette shade of carefully styled hair, and minimalistic make-up, paired with conservative attire. It wasn't just about how she looked was my impression, and I narrowed my eyes a little.

"Don't look so disappointed they didn't send the intern Mr Takeda," she dazzled. "Ms Yushi at your service," she politely introduced herself to me, offering the same hand and smile as I lightly shook it. "Seeing as it took this long to secure the interview, then I wasn't trusting any of my staff to complete it for me," she smiled, taking the gestured seat opposite us as her photographer carefully set up the equipment. He was a little stiff, making sure to point all of the cameras at us and then he kept adjusting the angles as though trying to account for something. "We agreed that you'd see the interview before publication," she rambled off, as I suddenly tugged Takeda down as a bullet hit the wall where his head had been moments ago.

I had ‘Ms Yushi' pinned to the floor, my legs straddling her hips while my hands were over her wrists. Kenshin was restraining the photographer, the man in a headlock before he had managed to get too far. She was a feisty one and far too much energy as I was resisted the urge to clobber her across the back of the head.

Yukimura silently took over from me, and the pair were escorted to Kenshin's part of his mansion, and I sunk back into one of the armchairs slowly. Sasuke was in command of confirming that the house was safe as Shingen ran his fingers through his hair.

"You could have let that go through straight me princess," the man broke me from my trance, an uncomfortable look on his face as he fidgeted with his tie and loosened it off. "No one would have questioned it," he frowned and leant against the ornate fireplace that took up most of the living room.

"Yeah, well," I muttered, not quite believing it myself.  I kept refusing any offer of alcohol while the redhead was tipping back several shots of whiskey, trying to figure out what had tipped me off. "The camera," I said out of nowhere, "Where's Sasuke?" I demanded, snapping and jumping out of my seat at the returning Kenshin from showing our 'guests' to their new rooms.

"He's checking the base," Shingen tried to calm me, slinging an arm around my shoulders, and trying to pull me back from the other man.

"No, he needs to be here and checking the equipment," I argued. "That bullet trajectory isn't from either of them, and it's impossible to have been shot from anywhere else without glass breaking."

Kenshin hated my instinct and logic but left to go and find the scientist as I couldn't stop the pacing I was doing out of fret. Sasuke was the calm needed as he approached the equipment with a gentleness I'd never seen before.

After what felt like an age, a cough attracted everyone's attention. The room was so tense that it could have been used to cut glaciers in half. Uesugi moved around the back of the third camera, where Sasuke had carefully disassembled the device. It was a false fit and had a single shotgun built into the flash device.

"Blind the room and kill you," I murmured to Shingen. "That's not a signature I know," I said, looking up at the intended victim.

"Someone's sending a message, did they say anything downstairs?" Shingen frowned.

"Nothing, but I haven't brought out all the big stops yet," it was the first time I'd seen a smile grace Kenshin's lips. And it chilled me to the bone as the man disappeared.

"Let's get you somewhere safe," Takeda said, patting my shoulder to bring my attention back from its current rampage in imagination land.

I wasn't sure who was more surprised when the van door opened, and Mitsunari and Nobunaga were there with Shingen. Ishida's amethyst eyes had a look of BSOD, while Nobunaga was trying to work out what this was going to cost him.

"I said I'd make it worth your time," Shingen calmly said, and gestured for me to get out of the van.

"Hideyoshi will be relieved," Oda commented as I clambered down to the floor, looking me over in the trouser suit that I hadn't been given a chance to change out of.

I was nearly toppled over and encased in the warmth that I hadn't felt or smelt in what had seemed like a lifetime. My brother had forgone all formalities and appearances, rubbing his hands up and down my back as he was muttering something about wringing someone's neck and how happy he was to see me.

Then a cough made him freeze and reluctantly let me go. Nobunaga was smirking at his subordinate's behaviour, and Takeda had a flash of something that was hidden the second he realised I was looking. We were shown through to the living room where any guests were greeted and torn to shreds.

Masamune was looking ruffled, while Mitsuhide and Ieyasu were wearing masks of stoic. Though I detected the slightest expressions of being annoyed in their eyes. All of them were studying me for any signs of harm, and my brother was definitely torn about how close to sit next to me. Technically, I was the enemy for now and tried to make things easier as I sat on the 'foreigners' seat with Shingen. The man would have passed as not being bothered, but it was the slightest crinkle of his eyes and the way that he was surveying the scenery that told me he was just as on edge as the rest of the men.

"So, what's the pleasure of this? I've seen all of the photos and reports, and a few are even claiming it's all false," Nobunaga was trying to assert his dominance.

"I came across a new signature this morning, and I'm surprised you haven't been utilising Princess to her full extent of abilities," Takeda's front was going to start cracking. "Since she saved me from an assassination this morning anyway," he shrugged as though it was nothing, while I was blushing furiously and staring at the floor to avoid the surprised expressions all around. "A single shotgun, disguised as a camera flash-"

"As if we would stoop to that level," Hideyoshi immediately interjected. "We don't use those techniques."

"He's asking because we found the backups were designed to take me out," I softly spoke. "Kenshin got the information out, that should the bullet and gun fail to go off, then I was to be taken out by a sniper when the interview was over."

The atmosphere was frozen. Shingen was gripping my hand tightly, and I realised that I had laced our fingers together in support.

"So why are you here?" Ieyasu snapped, breaking the image of an aloof man.

"Because if I didn't recognise it, and they were willing to target me, then it means that someone is looking to create a vacuum and take over for themselves," I pointed out. "It might be the time to pool resources maybe and keep an eye out for the mutual threat before you go back to trying to destroy each other." I scoffed.

The whole room was plunged into an ice age. No one wanted to move for fear of breaking the illusion that they didn't want to do this before my temper was about to get the better of me. Shingen was getting better at reading me and finally suggested to Nobunaga they go and discuss the finer terms of an agreement somewhere a little more private. Mitsunari tagged along as usual for the legal protection of Oda, before the room seemed to breathe again.

I was then the focus of several overbearing brothers it seemed, Hideyoshi on one side of me, and Masamune on the other. It was a big hug, and even Ieyasu had a slight smile on his face as he watched us from the other sofa.

"I'm fine," I laughed, one arm hooked around either male. Mitsuhide was sat with a knowing look on his face before sliding in from behind and hugging me from over the back of the sofa. "I'm fine, I promise."

"You're a clever little girl at times," it was rare to hear direct praise from Akechi as I tilted my head back. "You took my lessons about disappearing off the grid to heart at least. Even when I'm struggling to find you, then you've done very well for yourself."

"I was only found because of photographed ID cards," I weakly smiled. "And even then, it took several months, in which I managed a promotion."

Hideyoshi was sighing and resting his head on top of mine. "I never wanted you to get this involved," he muttered.

"Well, I did, and I am," I firmly replied. "I'm also an adult fully capable of making my own decisions," I reminded him. "With enough of a knack for reading people that I can pull mob lords out of the range of travelling bullets," I paused.

Masamune ruffled my hair, breaking my silent trance. "You haven't had the chance for some of my delicacies in a while, so we should head there!"

No one stood a chance of stopping the cooking fanatic and promptly lifted me off the sofa in one swift moment. My brother, Mitsuhide and Ieyasu followed because they claimed to not be able to trust Masamune to not keep his hands off me between cooking things. Nothing to do with wanting to taste his food of course.

Nobunaga tapped his fingers against the desk. Shingen was a hardened man, he had to give his opponent the credit he deserved in that respect, but that was going to make him a challenging adversary to remove later on.

"What's the plan with Princess?" He asked before he could even stop himself and then spotted the crack in the mask of the redhead. A weak spot?

"She stays with me," Takeda stated, the mask settled back into place. "The media and all social circles know her as my fiancée, it would become more than a little suspicious if she suddenly appeared with you," Oda was frowning now.

"She stays here, in exchange, you can use my right-hand man," Hideyoshi was going to be furious, but it kept his sister out of the grasps of Takeda. "If all goes well, we will swap them back."

"Fine, but any media stunt stating that she's not my fiancée or is suddenly now engaged to you then everything becomes null and void and it's a two-front war," Shingen was getting a little heated under the collar.

"I don't control Natsuki," Nobunaga calmly stated. "But I won't influence her to do anything of the sort."

"Neither you or any of your men will do anything to influence her to do anything like that," Shingen was pressing hard to close the loopholes.

Oda smirked. "I'm not you, Shingen, I will come charging straight for you after this, Natsuki has nothing to do with it."