#to it anymore so does that mean i’m bad?
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You Don’t Own Me
SERIES MASTERLIST
Chris Sturniolo lives by his own rules, refusing to be controlled. Some see him as a rebel, a troublemaker—but is that the full truth? Meanwhile, Y/N is focused on making the most of her last year of high school, determined to have a normal teenage experience. But when their worlds collide, they realize they may have more in common than they ever expected.
WARNINGS: COPYRIGHT NOTICE. PLEASE READ AND LOOK UP DEFINITIONS OF WARNINGS FOR FURTHER CLARIFICATION. HUGE TW FOR THIS CHAPTER. CSA (only mentioned, not described), angst, fluff, fighting, physical altercation, lying, and more.
A/N: This is long as fuck and have fun on this emotional rollercoaster lol this is barely proofread btw
With love and big tits, Rose
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P24: Too Soon?
A week. My mom would be gone on some work trip for an entire seven days.
I really don’t believe it. Part of me always thought she would lie about them being ‘work trips,’ but now I was sure. What kind of work trip didn’t have cell service?
She’s lying. I know she’s hiding something, I know deep down this probably isn’t the first time she’s done this before. But that’s not even the worst part.
The worst part is that she that she left Byalen in charge to ‘watch’ me—like a fucking babysitter, since I couldn’t be trusted anymore because of the time she caught me coming home with Chris early in the morning.
Fucking hypocrite.
Sure, I wasn’t telling the truth—but neither was she. Like mother, like daughter, I guess.
Currently, I’m on my bed, staring up at the ceiling as my phone rests on my stomach. Chris’ voice echoes through the device. We’ve been talking for hours. I really want to just go over and see him—see my boyfriend, but I can’t. Not while I’m being fucking babysat.
“Are you sure you don’t wanna sleep over? You need to sleep.” Chris says.
God, the offer is tempting. All of me wants to say yes, walk over to his house, and cuddle up in his arms. But I can’t. I’ve slept like shit for the past three days and it keeps getting worse. I need him to hold me in order to feel okay, I wanna sleep in a house that feels like a home too.
It’s not even just him. It’s Jimmy, it’s Matt, and hell—even Trevor. I love being around them, it makes everything feel so much easier.
I huff, shaking my head against my pillow as I roll my eyes. “I can’t, I’m being fuckin babysat at 18 years old.” I remark.
A wave of silence washes over for a minute. I can practically hear Chris thinking, the slight vibration of a curious hum sounding through the phone. My fingers callus over my lip, the slight graze of my nails making the muscle tingle in a way that mimics how Chris’ lips feel against my own.
Fuck. I miss that.
It’s like he has something that I need and crave all the damn time, like he possesses some sort of energy that makes my body feel better—lighter, even.
“Well…what if I came over there?” He offers.
My eyebrows twist together. I lick over my lip, gnawing on the muscle as I think of his statement.
“But…but what if we get caught?” I question.
I could imagine it. Baylen would see Chris and all hell would break loose.
I doubt he’d cover for me, he’d probably enthusiastically go telling my mom the second she walks back into the house.
Chris lets out a dry laugh. “Has he really ever bothered to check in your room? I mean, even if he does, I’ll just hide in your closet or something.”
“That’s kinda gay, bro,” I joke, gnawing on my lip as I hear Chris let out a fit of chuckles that make my heart echo in my ears.
I love being able to do that. Hearing him laugh—making him laugh, it all feels so pure. It honestly feels as intimate as him in between my legs, just in a different type of way.
Either are addicting. It was hard to miss only one or the other, I craved both.
I wanted to feel the euphoric relief from his touch. I wanted to laugh with him to the point where I couldn’t think of anything except how bad my stomach cramped from giggling.
I wanted everything and all of it—I just want him.
It’s only been a bit over a week since we made things official, but god—I could feel emotions building so rapidly, so much that they felt like they were consuming every corner of my mind.
Some of it made me sick.
I never felt this way with Ryan, my ex. The butterflies were there, but not to this extent—not to the point where I caught myself trying to imagine he was holding me in order to fall asleep.
“Do you want me to come over and not?” Chris remarks, pulling me back to reality as his voice echoes through my phone.
I bite back a sore smile, humming in approval, “Yes please.”
___
It feels good like this. Every inch of my body is content, my limbs melted in his hold as I let myself breathe in the fresh air from the cracked window in my bedroom.
His hand is combing through my hair. I hear him clear his throat, his chest rumbling as he begins to speak, “So, um…I…I’ve really missed you.” he says—again.
My lips tug into an unrelenting smile. We’ve been cuddling for hours and he’s repeated the same statement at least ten times.
It should be annoying, but it’s not. It makes me feel warm—it makes me feel a part of the moment, like every wave of the breeze is infiltrating the pores on my skin to ground me with a profound amount of peace.
“I missed you too.” I reply, scratching my nails over his chest as I let out another hum of contentment. His lips press against the crown of my head, a lingering kiss placed on my scalp as I feel his warm breath tickle into my hair.
It’s dark now. We should be tired, but we’re not. A short nap had rendered us a bit sad since we wanted to watch the sunset together, but it was okay since now we got to watch the night sky illuminate with a crescent moon and thousands of stars varying in vibrance.
I wonder who’s watching. Maybe my dad is one of those stars, maybe he gets to see me finally living after all these years without him.
The gap of his presence still aches in my heart, but it’s not as exhausting. A tiny splinter of a gap still remains in the pumping muscle, but it seems to be soothed by the added layers of security from Chris’ arms around me.
“What’re you thinking about, pretty girl?” Chris asks, combing through my hair.
I crane my head to stare up at him, sparing a soft smile as I give a slight shrug of my shoulders. “I just…” my words float into the air, unfinished as I gulp the lump in my throat that seems to build with how his eyes are piercing into me. “-I really like this. I…really like you…being here with me. It’s just–”
Chris leans down, pressing the tip of his nose against my own as he blinks, his eyes lashes fluttering against my own with a ticklish sensation that makes a soft sigh fall from my lips.
“-good. I’m glad you like it because I love it. You don’t understand how much I missed holding you, really,” he whispers, his breath fanning across my lips in a way that makes my stomach swarm with warm butterflies. “-this makes me so, so, so fuckin’ happy—holding my girl, in my arms—”
“You’re never gonna stop saying that, huh?” I tease, biting on my lip as his eyes open and gleam into my own.
Chris purses his lips, shrugging. “Nah. Getting to call you my girl?” he puffs, his eyes going with before he offers a playful smile, “-could never get old to me. Makes me feel all….” he wraps his arms tighter around me, pulling a gasp from my mouth as he pulls my chest plush against his, “-warm.”
Ugh. He feels the same way I do—maybe even more so.
I let myself bathe in his stare, the reassurance of his gaze making me feel like moonlight—calm, radiate, and important. Part of me doesn’t wanna speak at all, the fear of this exact moment ending making my heart pulse in my chest with a sharp sting.
But it’s okay.
It’s okay because I know there will always be more moments like this with him. It’s okay because there’s no doubt in my mind that he’ll ever let me feel anything less than cared for.
Words linger on the tip of my tongue, words I know I shouldn’t say—not yet, at least.
But it’s true. I love him, I really, really do. I don’t know when the realization happened. Honestly, I think it might’ve been when we first met, like some sort of cautious feeling that was warning me of destiny.
Chris licks over his lips, his smile fading into a serious look as he swallows thickly. “I…I know we haven’t been official for very long, but—I…I feel things for you, I feel so much it hurts,” he breaths.
My breath halts in my chest, my ears ringing as my bones seem to vibrate inside my body. He feels it too. It’s like everything about us is connected, like everything is falling into place so effortlessly it feels like magic.
“I…” The words fall flat on the tip of my tongue, my eyes glazing over with pure emotion as I let my eyes wander over his face.
It’s so comfortable. All I can hear is our hearts beating in sync, the way my entire soul is burning for me to say it—say everything.
“I love you.”
My eyes widened in shock. The words had rambled off my tongue so rushed, the devotion hanging in the air with an accompanied echo of his own voice.
“Oh.”
Our words are still in sync. We both let out a small laugh, the giggles falling quiet as we just breath in each other’s presence.
“I guess that wasn’t as scary as I was making it out to seem, huh?” he tuts.
I shake my head, laughing under my breath as I shrug, “-I guess so.”
___
Chris’ POV
I keep waking up. I’m not sure what time it is, but it’s like my body doesn’t want to sleep, even though I’m very comfortable, I just wanna look at her in my arms.
The slight sound of crickets echoing with the cool night air makes me sigh. My eyes drift over to her nightstand, her empty water bottle catching my attention. She had jugged all of it and fell back asleep within an instant a while ago, waking up a bit later, disappointed to find the bottle empty.
Maybe I should fill it for her.
Yeah.
Slowly sliding away, I wince hearing her let out a small whimper, reaching out for me as I stand up fully. Her eyes peek open. I pet over her shoulder, cooing, “-hey, go back to sleep—’m just gonna fill your water, okay?”
She nods hazily, her eyes falling shut with a slight scowl printed on her face.
God, she’s pretty.
My stomach flutters with warmth as I watch her bottom lip pout slightly, her arms reaching out and tugging the pillow that was beneath my head into her hold as she greedily takes a large breath.
Fuck.
She’s barely awake and she still wants me.
With light steps, I carefully make my way out of her room, venturing through the halls in hopes of finding the kitchen. It doesn’t take long. I walk into the tiled room, the cold flooring against my feet making me miss the warmth of her touch.
“Ugh,” I sigh, walking over to the sink and filling the bottle, trying to tilt the object to create as little noise as possible.
My lips roll together, my mind racing with thoughts as I reminisce on earlier. I was so scared to tell her that I loved her, I was scared it was too soon, too much, or purely insane to feel so strongly when we only made things official a bit ago.
But she said it at the same time, and somehow that was better than her saying it back.
“Who the fuck?”
My eyes go wide as I screw on the cap to the water bottle. I turn around, finding her brother with messy hair and sunken eyes staring at me with a scowl.
Fuck.
“Shit.” I mutter, squinting my eyes shut in hopes I’m just having a nightmare.
But no.
I open my eyes, he’s still there—closer.
“Who the fuck are you?” he interrogates, his shoulders broadening as his nostrils flare with an angry huff.
“I, uh,” I look towards the hallway, mentally cursing myself as I think of her getting in trouble because of me, “-I’m Chris. I’m…uh—”
I don’t get the chance to finish. Baylen’s eyes shift to the bottle in my hand, his tongue prodding on the side of his cheek as he shakes his head disappointedly.
“What? Are you her boyfriend or something?” he asks, lips tugged into a straight line.
Gulping, I nod. Surely me being her boyfriend is better than being a stranger breaking in, right?
“No.”
The fuck?
My brows furrow together at his statement. Baylen seems to analyze the confusion on my face, shrugging as he repeats the words with a more tense voice, “-I said no.”
“What? No? Hate to break it to you, but that’s not really your decision.” I point.
No wonder she can’t get along with him, he’s a prick. He barely acts like a brother, yet he’s trying to dictate our relationship?
Fuck that. I’ve done more for her than he has with a fraction of the time.
I mean, how hard is it to be there for his sister?
After losing my mom and Nick, no matter how distant or hurt I was, I still hugged Matt when he needed it. I might’ve grown distant, but I never grew heartless.
Baylen couldn’t even suck it up to play video games with her.
His face contorts with distaste. I let out an angry sigh, my eyes rolling while he let out a scoff.
“She’s my sister. I’m the one who gets to look out for her, not some guy she’s known for what, a couple months?” he remarks, a slight snort echoing at the end of his sentence.
His words seem to make my heart pummel against my chest with rage, the statement making my blood boil as I lick over my teeth. “Look out for her? You can’t even sit down and play a video game with her for more than five minutes. Just…” I shake my head, watching as his face shifts into shock before the fury in his eyes starts to become more intense, “-it’s whatever.”
Baylen clicks his tongue on the roof of his mouth, shaking his head, “Shut the fuck up. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
My nose twitches, my eyes squint as my jaw becomes tight. Who the fuck does he think he’s talking to?
“Oh, I have no idea what I’m talking about?” I huff, my brows lifting as I let out a dry laugh, “-no, you have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re an awful fucking brother, you have no say in anything when you’re treating her like…like a fucking dick.”
His jaw clicks. Baylen stalks forward, his hands twisting in the collar of my shirt as he yanks me to the side, pushing me against the wall as his eyes glare into me, the anger radiating off of him making the ache in my head from the impact seem less apparent as I drop the water bottle and clutch onto his wrists, trying to yank him off of me. The loud clunk of the bottle hitting the ground makes me wince. I huff at his unrelenting grip, taking a heavy sigh as I try to calm the pulsing anger in my body.
I can’t hit him. She cares about him—even if he hurts her, I know that would make her upset.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” he repeats, his voice dangerously low as he pushes me harder against the wall.
“You abandoned her when she needed you most. What kind of brother does that?” I spit, the emotions in my voice leaking with a bit of hypocrisy.
I wasn’t always the best when it came to comforting Matt after my mom and Nick had died, but at least I came around. Someone had to knock some sense into me—that someone being my dad, but it didn’t seem like anyone was ever gonna set Baylen straight.
“You—you don’t get it. Stop. Just—just shut up,” he yells, shoving me even harder as I feel the back of my head pulse.
“I do. Just…ow, fuck—” I hiss, the pain becoming evidentally apparent as my skull aches, “-I lost some of my family. Someone had to knock some sense into me. She—she’s your sister, you both lost your dad, she’s hurting and—shit.”
It fucking hurts. The back of my head is pulsing, an echoing pain bursting through my forehead as I try to move, only to have him shove me harder.
“I didn’t lose anyone. You…you don’t understand.”
My eyes peak open, curiosity accompanied by pain as I hear a slight crack in his voice. His face drops with sadness, the anger fleeting into some sort of sullen emotion as he swallows thickly.
“You…you don’t understand. That man—he’s not my father. He’s a sick excuse of a man that traumatized her and she doesn’t even fucking remember,” he spits.
“I…what?” I breathe, my chest tightening as Baylen loosens his grip around the collar of my shirt, his lower lip wobbling.
“I’m never supposed to tell her. I…I have to hear her mourn a man who would…who’s the reason she’d have to sneak into my room—he’s the reason she could never make it through the night without having an accident. Something was wrong—everything was wrong.”
“What—what’re you saying?” I ask, my mouth falling open as I let my hands fall from his wrists.
Baylen’s eyes sink with sadness, his cheek hollowing as he gulps. “She wasn’t potty trained for a long time. At first, I didn’t get it. But…but…he was touching her, her body was showing all the signs of sexual assault, but I was just a kid, I didn’t…I—by the time I understood what had happened, it—it was too late. Now I have to hear her mourn a man who is the reason I feel—he’s…he’s the reason I can’t comfort her, he’s the reason I can’t look at her,” he says, his head tilting as his face scrunches with pain;
“He’s the reason I hate myself—the reason I can’t let myself get close to her without seeing how much of a failure I am.”
Oh.
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hi!!! first of all forgive me my bad english, it's not my mother tongue 💔 well, could you make an angst with male!reader x Bakugou where their marriage has been having many problems for a long time but only the reader seems to realize this, and try to change it, until the point comes that he gives up, asks for a divorce and leave home, and only then does Bakugou realize and kind of panic and start trying everything to change the reader's mind? with a happy ending please!!? 🩷
Cracks in the Foundation
The dinner table was silent again.
The kind of silence that wasn’t peaceful. The kind that felt suffocating.
You poked at your food, barely even hungry anymore, despite having made all of Katsuki’s favorites. You had hoped—desperately—that maybe tonight would be different. That maybe this time, he’d look up at you, really look at you, and see just how exhausted you were. How much effort you were putting into keeping this marriage afloat.
But instead, he was focused on his phone, answering work emails between bites, barely acknowledging your presence.
It had been like this for months. Maybe even years.
At first, you thought it was just his job. He was a pro-hero, after all. He had responsibilities. You had understood that. But there had been a time when he would still make time for you. When he’d call just to hear your voice, when he’d come home exhausted but still kiss you like you were the most important thing in his world.
Now? Now, it felt like you were just… there.
Something inside you twisted painfully.
“Katsuki,” you finally spoke, voice quiet but firm.
He hummed absentmindedly, still not looking up.
You gritted your teeth.
“Can we talk?”
“Tch. Ain’t we already?”
“No,” you said, a little sharper this time. “I mean really talk.”
That finally got his attention. He sighed, setting his phone down with a barely concealed look of irritation. “What is it?”
You swallowed hard, feeling your heart pound against your ribs. You had gone over this in your head so many times, trying to find the right words, but now that you were here, nothing seemed enough to capture just how much this was breaking you.
“…Do you even love me anymore?” you asked, voice barely above a whisper.
His eyes widened slightly, the irritation quickly shifting into something more defensive. “The fuck kinda question is that?”
“It’s an honest one,” you said, meeting his gaze even though it hurt. “Because I don’t feel like you do.”
His brows furrowed, and his jaw tightened. “That’s bullshit.”
“Is it?” You let out a hollow laugh, shaking your head. “Because, Katsuki, I don’t even remember the last time you actually looked at me like I was your husband and not just some… roommate you barely tolerate.”
His expression darkened. “You’re overthinking shit again.”
You inhaled sharply, clenching your fists. “Don’t do that. Don’t make it seem like I’m just making this up in my head. You barely talk to me anymore. You don’t touch me unless I’m the one reaching for you first. Hell, I can’t even remember the last time you told me you loved me without me saying it first!”
“I married you, didn’t I?” he snapped, voice rising. “Ain’t that enough? I’m working my ass off out there to make sure we have a damn future—”
“I never asked for any of that!” You stood abruptly, chair scraping against the floor. “I asked for you, Katsuki! I wanted us! But somewhere along the way, I lost that. I lost you. And now I feel like I’m the only one trying to fix something that’s already broken.”
He stared at you, mouth slightly open, but no words came out.
You exhaled shakily, running a hand through your hair. And then, finally, you let out the words that had been clawing at your throat for months.
“I want a divorce.”
The world seemed to go silent.
Katsuki’s eyes went wide, all the color draining from his face.
“…What?”
Your chest felt tight, your body trembling. But you forced yourself to stand firm. “I can’t do this anymore. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried. But I can’t keep giving everything to someone who doesn’t even see me anymore.”
Panic flickered across his features for the first time. He shot up from his chair so fast it nearly toppled over. “No. No, you don’t mean that—”
“I do.”
His hands curled into fists. “You’re not fuckin’ leaving me.”
Your lips trembled, but you shook your head. “I already did. A long time ago.”
You turned, walking towards the door. Your packed bag was already waiting by the entrance. You had made your decision long before this conversation even started.
Katsuki moved fast. He was in front of you before you could take another step, grabbing your wrist in desperation.
“Wait,” his voice cracked. “Just—fuck—wait, okay?”
You looked at him, really looked at him, and for the first time in a long time, you saw it.
Fear.
Pure, raw fear.
“…Don’t go,” he whispered. His grip on your wrist tightened just slightly, like if he let go, you’d disappear. “I—I didn’t realize—fuck, I didn’t see it. I thought we were fine.”
You swallowed the lump in your throat. “That’s the problem, Katsuki. We weren’t.”
He exhaled shakily, shaking his head. “I can fix this.” His voice was pleading now. “I will fix this. Just—please. Don’t go.”
You hesitated. God, how you wanted to believe him.
But how could you?
“Why now?” you asked, voice thick. “Why is it only now that you care?”
“Because I was a fucking idiot,” he admitted, eyes shining with something dangerously close to tears. “Because I got so fucking used to you always bein’ there that I didn’t think I could ever lose you.” His breath hitched. “But I can. And I don’t want that. I can’t—I won’t lose you.”
You bit your lip hard, torn between every emotion warring inside you.
Then, he did something unexpected.
He fell to his knees in front of you.
Bakugou Katsuki, the strongest, most prideful man you had ever known, was on his knees, gripping your hands like a lifeline.
“Please,” he rasped. “Give me another chance.”
Tears welled in your eyes.
You wanted to. God, you wanted to.
But…
“I need time,” you whispered.
His shoulders shook, but he nodded. “Okay,” he breathed. “Okay. Take as much time as you need. Just—just don’t shut me out completely. Let me prove to you that I can be better. That I will be better.”
You hesitated for a long moment… before finally nodding.
And for the first time in years, Katsuki held onto you like he’d never let go again.
***
It took time. It took effort. It took Katsuki breaking down the walls he had unknowingly built, piece by piece, proving to you every single day that he wasn’t going to take you for granted anymore.
At first, you weren’t sure if you could believe him.
You had already packed your bags. You had already walked out that door. And yet, after everything, he was still there—calling, texting, showing up at your temporary apartment, asking if you’d eaten, if you were sleeping well, if you needed anything.
The first few weeks, you kept your distance. You had to. The wound was still fresh, the pain of being unseen for so long still too raw.
But Katsuki never stopped trying.
He started small.
A simple good morning text every day.
Then, food deliveries to your doorstep with a note scrawled in his messy handwriting: Eat, dumbass.
Then, showing up at your work just to see you for five minutes—never pushing, never begging, just… being there.
One night, about a month after you left, there was a knock on your door.
When you opened it, there he stood, drenched from the rain, holding a plastic bag. His hair was plastered to his forehead, his usual sharp red eyes uncertain.
“…You’re gonna get sick,” you muttered, stepping aside.
He walked in hesitantly, glancing around the apartment. It was much smaller than the home you had shared, barely big enough for one person. It made his throat tighten.
“I, uh… brought you dinner.” He held up the bag, awkward as hell.
You sighed, taking it from him. Katsuki never did things like this before. Not without you asking first.
But this wasn’t the same Katsuki who had ignored your pleas for attention.
This was a man who was fighting with everything he had.
“…You didn’t have to,” you said, softer this time.
“Yeah, I did.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Look… I know you ain’t ready to come back. And I ain’t expectin’ ya to. But—” His jaw clenched before he exhaled slowly, forcing himself to say the words he had never been good at. “I miss you. Every day, I wake up and reach for you, and you’re not fuckin’ there. And it’s my fault. I get that. But I need you to know I ain’t gonna stop tryin’.”
Your grip tightened around the plastic bag, chest aching. “Katsuki…”
He shook his head, stepping closer. “I see you now. And I hate myself for not seein’ it sooner.” His voice lowered, thick with emotion. “Please… just tell me what I gotta do to fix this.”
You didn’t answer right away. Instead, you turned, setting the food on the small dining table. Then, you whispered:
“…Sit down. Eat with me.”
His breath hitched slightly, and when you glanced back at him, there was something dangerously close to relief in his eyes.
“…Yeah,” he murmured. “Okay.”
And that was how it started.
Slowly, carefully, you let him back in.
Katsuki took every opportunity to show you that he wasn’t the same man you had walked away from.
He called you every night, just to ask about your day. He planned date nights—real date nights, where he focused on you, not work, not anything else. He even went to therapy—not that he’d admit it outright, but you noticed the difference. He was learning how to communicate, how to listen.
And it wasn’t just words anymore.
It was actions.
One evening, nearly six months after you left, he showed up at your apartment again. This time, though, he wasn’t alone.
He held a small black box in his hands, fingers gripping it so tightly his knuckles were white.
You stared at it, heart pounding. “Katsuki…”
He swallowed hard. “It ain’t what you think.”
Slowly, carefully, he opened the box.
Inside was a new wedding ring. Different from the one you had left behind.
“This ain’t me askin’ you to marry me again,” he said, voice rough but sure. “Not yet. I know I still got shit to prove. But I want you to have this.” He exhaled shakily, rubbing the back of his neck. “Because when you’re ready… when you want to come home… I want it to be different this time. I wanna do it right.”
Your vision blurred with tears.
This was the Katsuki you had fallen in love with. The one who fought tooth and nail for what mattered to him.
And for the first time in years, you felt like you mattered to him again.
“…Okay,” you whispered, reaching out. Your fingers brushed against his as you took the box.
His breath caught.
“Okay?” he echoed, barely daring to hope.
You nodded, wiping at your eyes. “Not yet. But… soon.”
And when he reached for your hand, squeezing it tight, you knew—without a doubt—that this time, things would be different.
That you were worth fighting for.
And he wasn’t going to let you go.
Ever again.
#bakugou katsuki x reader#katsuki bakugou x reader#katsuki x reader#bakugou x y/n#bakugou x you#bakugou x reader#bnha x reader#mha x reader#x reader#bakugo x reader#bakugo x you#bakugo x y/n#bnha#mha#mha fanfiction#my hero academia#boku no hero academia
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SAID HE LIKES CRAZY GIRLS,
BUT HE HATES WHEN I ACT CRAZY,
IT TAKES TWO TO TOXIC!
FINALLY!!! Finished these pics of jinx I’ve been working on!!!!! HOLY SHIT, these took so long…. But finally… they’re done… pls enjoy this art of my beautiful princess w a disorder. Featuring alternate colors for the big pic and also a closeup! Cuz I rlly like how both the lines and coloring on her face turned out… like the pink gradients w her eye… her deer in headlights expression,, like uve just startled a raccoon digging thru ur trashcan and r two seconds away from getting mauled.. m proud of it!
#arcane#league of legends#jinx#jinx arcane#arcane jinx#doodles#hate and love how hardcore I relate to jinx…#little sisters w dependency issues.. + a whole lot of other issues#anyway the ‘he’ in the ‘crazy girl’ lyrics is in my mind referring to both vi and silco lol#I’m sORRY! I keep seeing ppl hardcore pitting these 2 bad bitches against each other#and it’s like… silco is objectively. morally worse than vi.. vi is not like. a ruthless crime lord#vi IS 100% trying her best and loves her sister. but she still screwed up w jinx#and silco ALSO truly loves jinx. but also screwed up by fucking. trauma bonding w her ghgh-#like.. silco is too close. he’s like. yes go apeshit jinx I support and love you and understand u no matter what fucked up shit u do.#were the same. and that’s beautiful!!! I love how supportive he is…#but its like.. silcos too close. he just became a new person for jinx to glomp onto and base her self esteem around after vi left#and he doesn’t manipulate that on purpose but. he DOES effect that girls mental state. cuz he needs her too#meanwhile vi is too far away… she thinks she knows who jinx is. but jinx has changed… time marches forward. she’s not that little girl#anymore#and nOW! after the finale jinx has NOBODY TO BE CODEPENDENT W..#her mental state has always been so tied up in how the ppl she puts on pedestals view her#and now there’s no pedestal anymore. she knocked down the statues. she’s alone…#it’s interesting….#anyway I’m not trying to say vi is as bad as silco at ALL. just that she’s an equally important building block in jinx’s mind#that has made her into the fucked up lil person she is today. and I think that’s neat.#lol anyway! I’m hyped for season 2….#aLSO GOD DAMN THIS GIRLS OUTFIT IS COMPLICATED. WHY DO U GOT SO MANY BITS N BOBS JINX??? I mean I get it accessories rock.#but u take so much time to draw ghfhg- require so much brainpower#aLSO ADDENDUM. while silco is objectively morally worse than vi his relationship w jinx is genuinely. like. makes me emotional ghgh-#its not perfect. or healthy. but… it’s. the both of them. being seen. and accepted. and loved and understood.. and I love that shit.
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ok finished it, really rambly rant in tags lol
watching barry now, finished season one
#mine#overall i liked it but it put me in a bit of a crazy mood as i was watching it#not to get to personal but i have dealt with a lot of violent intrusive thoughts for i guess over a decade at this point#which i don’t ever really talk about and have kinda gotten over thinking i’m bad for having thoughts#but since i’m not distressed by the thoughts anymore it’s like. so do i think it’s ok then? to do that stuff? i have no emotional response#to it anymore so does that mean i’m bad?#and obviously no… i believe that actions are what matter more than that#but the thoughts are still there#anyway all that to say that i think i related a bit too much with barry in the first season so every time he did go back to doing bad things#it was… idk this is a stupid line of reasoning here so i’m just gonna talk about other stuff#the last season took a different turn kinda like the last seasons of bojack and better call saul#but interestingly (vague spoilers for all three of these) he doesn’t ever actually have his comeuppance#(less vague spoilers) like he just dies and stays dead for once. whereas in bojack even though he nearly died he narratively couldn’t die#because him dying would be like he just got away with all the bad things he (bojack) did#in bcs i don’t think jimmy nearly dies? idr but he does turn himself in#which is what barry was about to do#but he isn’t able to because he just. dies.#AND has a movie made that makes him sympathetic and leads to one of his victims paying for it instead#(cousineau isn’t a standup guy either but he certainly didn’t deserve to take the whole blame)#it seems to me that the ending of barry chose to focus more on making a statement about hollywood rather than about#human morality and people changing and finally getting their comeuppance like bcs and bojack have#anyway this is pretty long#i don’t remember all the stuff i was thinking as i was watching it so i mostly wrote about general things and the ending itself since that’s#what’s fresh in my mind lol
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I diagnose her with tism.









will do nontism pink icons too. wanted to add the infinity symbol somewhere but uh… I couldn’t get it to look fine so w/e.
#pieces of powder#lemons random rants#autism#autistic#autistic icons#autism icons#pride icons#icons#if these look bad it’s because I cropped them- cuz adobe doesn’t have an online photo editor anymore.#I mean it does but I ain’t signing for that#anyway sorry I couldn’t fit the infinity symbol in. didn’t know where to put it.#I relate so much to powder and Marcy…#I kinda wonder if Marcy has a bad home life from some of the dialogue she has. maybe an orphan but that’s a stretch#but powder is very tism coded. I have tism sense you get it with your diagnosis#or if you don’t have a diagnosis you still have it they just don’t want you to know about it cuz ur too powerful#I’m like a blend of powder and marcy.#anyway I rlly love the#art style of the show it reminds me of that game ppl used to play…#anyway again sorry about the symbol but if you’ve seen my book cover#you know graphic design isn’t my passion
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it’s incredible how hateful and obsessed with sainz are every comments on a big motorsport page on facebook… when the post even remotely mentions him the comments are like “oh yes because his obsession is only leclerc!!” “no top team wants him because his entourage is horrible!!” “oh he’s got a big ego and it’s not a team player. he races for himself only” and others alike…… he’s really rotating in your head. you middle aged italian men would do numbers as twitter fangirls‼️
#the last one bothers me a lot bc what do you mean he only races for himself. is he or is he not a racer😭😭#he at no point signed a contract as a second driver… everyone thinks he is but he didn’t sign shit#he’s not contractually obligated to play second fiddle to leclerc im sorry😭#just like leclerc does NOT like when sainz is faster#why are u so.. dumb!!#the bad entourage thing is something completely made up and blew out of proportion by the italian press who clearly favours leclerc#but it’s okay! spanish media think the contrary and it’s okay!! everyone has biases. just don’t go around running your mouth when you don’t#know shit#im usually unfazed by sainz hate train. i block everyone who hates him here but on facebook… i can’t pick fights with middle aged men im not#15 anymore. i’m not picking fights in online spaces. i grew up!!!#but sometimes it’s hard#i hate losing the idgaf war but they really put their little minds into it😩#f1 discourse#carlos sainz
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argh. This comic writing is taking me way longer than usual. I keep editing things and it doesn’t feel right.
#wip#i think I finally got it#The issue is usually plots come to me formed yk#But for this one#I did have a plot but it was more related to Chil having a v bad experience and Mei hearing about it and then him telling her#Not to go thru with her plans to become involved with adventures in a sort of threatening way#So I had that all sketched out and then randomly I decided I wanted more drama#so initially I extended it and had it be that maybe she tried to hug him or something but he reacted Badly bc of his aforementioned shit#But I didn’t like that and it felt jarring and sort of…over dramatic. Too much.#So then I got rid of that. And then I was like well maybe he and Mei should actually have a conversation about it#Like he brings it up#So I wrote that and I had him get really mad at her and let that sit around for a minute bc uh-oh there’s another problem#Seee the issue with doimg multiple rewrites of something is suddenly the part that was initially meant to be the focus. Is not important#Anymore and is actually distracting from the main point#So OK I delete all that and rewrite that to make it less distracting#Still keep the important buildup in that scene but focus on Mei more bc this is a comic that’s from her pov#Ok ok yeah. I like that. But THEN#UH OH NEW PROBLEM. ! Remember that He gets really mad scene? The one I let sit to go worry about the middle section#Well. Haha. I read the whole comic back again to check for flow and shit#Get to the end#WOW ITS OUT OF CHARACTER AND JARRING. He’s not mean or anything I just don’t think he’d yell in that sort of emotional way?#I got so lost in the sauce I forgot to write good#So now I’m stuck. It’s so out of character so obviously I get rid of that problem.#Change it so he does still yell but less and also differently. and also now Mei gets to be pissed tf off#and tied it into several previous comics since I like things to be connected to each other#I think?? I think I’m happy with it now…but Jesus Christ#I don’t usually have to do Any rewrites#And the number of other comics I want to do is piling up so I take breaks to sketch those out for later#Then return. To my undoing.
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HI TUMBLRR it’s me
#I ate ramen just now it was soooo god I think ramen is just it just is better after 10pm#im right#ughhh ok that actually reminded me earlier my classmate was making an Asian people eat dogs joke like he put on this awful accent and he wa#all like ‘dog tastes so good with rice’ and then he did other stuff too#but what really made me upset is that someone who I thought was my friend found it really humorous! wow okay!#I know it’s not really a big deal but im still kind of sad like I’ve lost all my respect for you now#anddd they were my only friend in the class so now I’m stuck there for the rest of the semester I guess . I mean I’ll still be nice to them#but I just don’t think I can bring myself to like them anymore sorryyy . not really . but kind of#idk if I’m overreacting . in elementary school though people would make jokes actually about me eating dog and it always made me really sad#but I never held it against them cause we were children#but now I feel like you’re old enough to know what you’re laughing at..#wow ok this really derived away from me being on tumblr and having just ate the worlds best ramen#well . not really I mean it was good but I’m allergic to normal noodles and I need to eat rice noodles and they’re not bad I just don’t lik#them as much Lol#I feel like my actual posts say nothing but if anyone ever reads the tags they probably know everything about me..#I use tumblr to complain half the time loll and I used to post my drawings more but I haven’t made any good drawings recently😭😭😭BUT WAIT!#i have a comic I’ll post in October we’ll see how far I am in it by then…#im like . halfway done with chapter oneeeee so maybe like I’ll post all of chapter one on hallowern.. how does that sound… cause actually#for those of you who don’t know my story has ghosts in it#im like trying to keep it a little silly right now but the tone might shifftttt idk!!!!! we’ll seeeeeeee cause actually I have NOT worked#out the entire plot.. just like. most of it.#but I keep having ideas like midway through ughhh it’s an endless cycle!!!!!#like Francis . she used to be a random character who shows up once but then I was like . wait no! anjali should have ghost friends! and tha#that’s how Francis came to be#and actually today I kind of finalized her design^_^ albeit in my math notebook lol
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i don’t think we’re ever getting out of the “we’re just friends” “oh yeah those characters are such good friends (sarcasm)” “they’re not friends they’re gay” etc etc hole. we’re never getting out of that hole
#yes it’s bad when people try to erase gay relationships to portray them as friends and nothing more#that is NOT what i mean. i’m talking about when people do the Opposite Thing and decide that when characters are romantic togethr#then suddenly they’re not friends anymore! or if they say they’re friends they’re lying!#like … i was watching nimona with my friend yesterday and like. if you’ve seen the movie you know how obviously gay and in love bal and#ambrosius are. and then there’s this one moment where ambrosius says ‘i have lost everything the man i love my best friend’ and at that#moment my friend was like It’s sad that they decided to censor their relationship even though this movie is still rly gay :( and i was like#WHAT are you saying ? these two men are clearly in love with one another BUT they’re also best friends. Like those are things that can#coexist!! and DO coexist!!! there are many cases where people consider their romantic partners their best friends . or even refer to them as#their best friends more than just partner!!!!!! LIKE WHAT ARE YOU SAYINGGGG . does anybody get it#does anybody understand#i’m so sick of amatonormativity i’ll start eating drywall#yes i love making ‘oh they seem like really good friends’ jokes because i know how most people interpret those jokes. but to me it’s like#well. they ARE really good friends. they’re just also romantic/gay about it. ghhehghh#maybe one day friendship will stop being seen as something lesser maybe one day people will realize that most romance is also friendship#and your partner can be and in most cases is your friend or your best friend even#and maybe one day we’ll stop acting like friendship & romance are two mutually exclusive things#and maybe sure that gay character is calling their love interest their Best Friend because of denial and repressed emotions and whatever#but have u considered that it’s just true and they really are best friends ?? like when crowley calls az his best friend sure that might be#gay denial but they also literally Are best friends i don’t know what to tell you. and they will always be best friends#DOES ANYBODY GET IT !!!!!!!! js any of this making sense i dont know. I love complaining#crammerposting
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can people stop referring to Akilah as “the normal one” in ref to everyone else
#Just saw like 2 old posts saying that. The way she’s not allowed to be anything but perfectly nice and morally digestible for the fandom#Is so exhausting to Me#I have a bigger rant but I’m not even awake I’m going back to sleep I just needed to say it pls#Shes not perfect she can be mean she can make shitty choices she’s human it’s okay ❤️#She’s perfect to ME for the record but the way people are constantly expecting her to always just be one thing makes me sad#its like what happened with van in s2 when fans started turning on her bc she wasn’t just silly and happy all the time anymore#I fear for what will happen if Akilah does anything they decide is ‘bad’#’the Normal one’ enough !!!
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I FIGURED IT OUT
#it was so simple and I’m such an idiot#I know why it was bothering me and it’s nothing confusing or earth shattering#I was way over complicating things#like this doesn’t solve it but it does make dealing with it a WHOLE lot easier#just had to have a crisis about it for a few days before I figured it out#still not having a great time but definitely less stressed about this now#also not feeling like a bad person about it anymore#okay done with the vague posting#(for now)#(there will likely be more as I process but like)#(this means I can stop dissecting my emotions)#(it truly was not that deep)#personal#delete later#perhaps#this one might stay up who knows#vague posting sega#also i don’t delete these i just make them private so i can come back years later and go:#‘wtf was i on about this time?’#and pretend my future (at that point present) ass isn’t as dramatic as past (now current) me
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i said i wouldn’t do it this time but it’s 3am and mods asleep. boy
#welcome to another episode of Luke is insane abt hockey boy!#this time featuring a guy who is actually this time almost (ALMOST) confirmed to be queer#the almost is partly me being insane because I don’t trust anything anymore#but like. there are only so many reasons you wear pride converse. that is not ally behaviour#it just threw me this time I think bc I’d been like no. heterosexual. bc I think I became aware of him when he joined the real hockey team#because the OTHER problem is that the whole time I’d been thinking he was cute as hell (bc he is) and simultaneously being like no. bad.#anyway this meant that I have actually talked to him a bunch without overthinking it this term which honestly has been very cool#not like a whole lot but we’ve played together a decent amount and hopefully will keep doing that#and yesterday discovered hes recommending other people talk to me abt goalieing which is insane to me bc I am truly not that good#but apparently I made an impression!#anyway it does not help that this guy has gotten incredibly good at hockey in the past few months#idk man I make bad decisions (I say as if this was a decision) bc it is now the end of term once again <3#which means absolutely nothing can or will happen until after summer. which isn’t an issue#I’m just frustrated by my tendency to realise these things right before I’m about to not see the guy for X period of time#I also desperately need to stop crushing on hockey boys I swear but in my defence that is the main way I meet people#I think I’m cursed actually. that would explain many things#anyway he also has exams until next Tuesday which means he’ll be at hockey next week but idk abt this week which is devastating#i just wanna have talk to the guy more honestly to see how that goes bc we’ve not rlly talked individually for an extended time yknow.#in other words we have not had A Conversation it’s been groups or like quicker exchanges#he’s kinda quiet but i can’t quite tell which way yknow. I know he’s Watching basically all the time. and he is slightly awkward#which is also kinda cute. he gets a lil rambly when he talks abt hockey and I wanna push that button more#i. topsy if you’re reading this you’re gonna laugh so hard I just realised. he’s captain of the team now.#which sidenote is INSANE bc he started playing with them THIS YEAR#but oh my god. okay.#anyway. I need to start complimenting guys more for multiple reasons but also#1. he dresses very cool 2. he caught me looking at his shirt last week without saying anything (BEFORE I caught the rainbow converse)#i compliment women on their clothes and jewellery and hair and shit all the time but I do not with men bc. I mean do I need to explain.#but this is so unfair I am haunted by existence of boy and here we are once again. posting on tumblr with the possibility of seeing him lik#two more times before summer. might be three or four depending on what he comes to#luke.txt
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you ever just see a post and just
. 😭
.⬅️🫀⬅️
#Worst emoji combo ever but it’s gon be such big depression hours down here so scroll if you want im on the brink of throwing up#don’t you just bloody love it how over the past 3 years you’ve only seen people the large total of…. 4 times!!! An average of seeing someon#outside of school 1.3 times per year!! What a bloody fantastic way to spend your teenage years!#Don’t you also just love it when people talk right to you about how they all went out together over the weekend and like did some stupid#shit like your average high schooler would do and you’re just like “oh. I went to my 1 and a half hour long dance class and got ignored the#entire time and when you did try to talk they just spoke over you” oh my fucking god I hate that place so much even the teacher fucking#ignores me once we were going in a circle and she was asking everyone what they got for Christmas and I was in the middle of the circle so#thought hey maybe someone will actually acknowledge my existence but she fucking ignored me and went to next person like why the fuck#And now I’m debating staying in that shithole bc I was invited to a gc for that class and I stupidly thought that someone might want me#There. I wasn’t even invited I secretly scanned the qr code to join over someone else’s shoulder#everyone else there is the best of bloody friends and I’m just there talking to one friend who I don’t even think is my friend#“Hey man I’m really fucking sad rn can I talk to you” “womp womp have you heard stupid fact no.3848594 about my ocs while I ignore you when#you talk about anything else about me” oh my god shut up literally no one else sane would see someone like that their closest friend rn#At least someone wants to talk to me#Like what is it that makes people not want to see my please just tell me I’ll change I’m amazing at changing my personality to fit others#promise me on that I’ve done it my entire life#Even just messaging me more than once every year and I’d consider you my best friend this is how bad I’m getting#What is so bloody bad about me that no one else likes I don’t care how badly you fucking word it just something#It shouldn’t be normal to wish death on people you call your mates bc you heard about them all going out together without you#Oh dear did the gc’s without me in it there’s one for every friend group I’ve ever been in why isn’t there one for the main group I’m in rn#Idfc anymore just tell me what I’m doing wrong I keep asking people if they want to go out or how far away they live from some place#And it’s always met with ignoring me talking over me or immediately changing the subject#Please if you’re someone I know irl what the fuck am I doing fucking wrong I can’t fucking do this anymore be as mean as you like#Why the fuck does no one ever want to be around me why do I hear so much about stuff others are doing together but never me#It shouldn’t be normal to prefer being in a toxic relationship than what I’m in rn#I fucking hate everything
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.
#mother mention cw#negativity cw#my mom invited me to have dinner with her today#and it ended up being a ruse to convince me to seek a therapist#(in a very well-meaning and not-entrapping way than I make it sound her)#she’s pushing me to call my insurance to check out copay options and look at online therapy providers#wants me to do it by the weekend and after I’ve made my first appt she’ll step back#I could tell her now that I don’t want to seek it out and she’d respect that#But she would be disappointed in me and I know our relationship would sour#bc I do struggle a lot with inner catastrophizing and self worth and often turn to her for emotional support#and she wants me to seek out a professional for my own good#but part of me is still bitter that despite her having been in therapy for over a year herself#she still does not regret attempting to [redacted] herself in front of me in 2020 and blaming me for it#and blaming me for my parents’ marital issues ever since I was 13#and now she’s pushing me to seek therapy#I kind of want to throw it in her face#like how well is therapy working out for YOU?#which would be a very very very very very bad and unproductive thing to do#I’m moved out and working full time so I’m not (financially) dependent on them anymore#so I don’t need her approval#but I still want it#so. Yeah.
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just took my spanish test
#it was#hhrrrmm#well i’m confident enough#but there were little moments where i got stuck TwT#a handful where i got a little confused bc of the answer choices and felt all my spanish knowledge fly out of my brain#(<- w prepositions. </3)#also there were a few like. Grammar things i had no idea what to answer with 😭😭#like what the FUCK does this mean#i can’t even remember the names of the terms#but like#types of words… or w/e#like. here. a russian example -> genetive case or dative case. those kind of categories#but Spanish Version#IDK. wtf.#whatever#other than that it wasn’t bad#if i get an 80-something again it’s gonna feel like hs all over again#(wounded pride even tho i passed)#though eh i know my spanish is getting worse so. ah whatever not that big of a deal anymore#i’ll get my results soon tho#1-2 days#yea#though#now i have to pay $65 :))))#die die die die die#jfc#fucking uni -_-#angel.txt
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If you ask me why I even like Kaveh I’ll probably tell you he’s my cutie.
But if you ask me on a deeper level I will probably say he is the only consistency I have in my life. He’s so, perfect. As perfect as humanely possible. I have spent years of my very early formative years trying to perfect myself and I reached a certain level to which i developed habits of people pleasery to an extent such things did not harm me but paid off in my eyes just because it made people smile. My favourite thing was being a doorstop for others and to be used. And for the first time ever I saw someone exactly like me. And I know people say that oh they relate to him all the time I assure you they do not. Judging from the observation I did they don’t do the things he did . . At least not in the way I did them. And although that seems self centred I value accuracy so much and I just feel like our lives are so copy pasted to even the most irrelevant finest details . . He hurts himself so much just for a fickle sense of happiness for others and for the first time I see how my behaviour looks to outsiders, and it makes me so very sad. I would also say he motivates me, stupidly enough, to be better even though I lost everything. I know he technically didn’t lose every single thing. Since he still had tighnari and cyno and the others but I just . . It still motivates me. Things don’t motivate me easily since my motivation is mostly internal. And he’s so polite and kind despite it all . . I know I lost most of my personality some months ago, after all of that scary stuff happened. Honestly right now I am a shell of a person and I do not know what I’m doing here and I kind of have no purpose but I just feel like despite how lost I am with everything and everyone and how utterly confusing it all is to my brain he kind of helps me. I feel like I forgot most of the reasons I like him apart from the fact that I do actually like him. But still . . He makes the degree I was forced into bearable like I can do it. He makes me want to stop being so angry all the time because of how much I was abused and just be better. But stupidly enough yet again I feel like I’m failing. I lost so much of my identity because of the abuse I feel like I failed miserably. I know he doesn’t exist of course but I just worry . . If he did I surely let him down and I wouldn’t be the type of person he would want to be around. Partly because the trauma was too horrible and that even a human has limits. But partly because we’re so similar. And different of course. I just am so confused. With so many things. And despite my confusion at least I have his personification. So maybe I’m not completely alone . .
#I’m sorry I hope nobody sees this because it really is very pathetic#𓏲 𝐍 ܀ᬊ#but yeah. this sounds dumb but I feel like me liking him has gotten me into so much trouble over the years#like it ruined a lot of my life but also comforted me too#I love Kaveh so so much and it makes me so happy to see how much happier he’s getting now#how his initial stress has waned off and now he’s comfortable and calmer#I know some people will look at this and think it’s pathetic but#if I may boisterously suggest; what draws the line between unacceptable and acceptable? if it does not harm others and for the most part#myself; and really motivated me to be better; shouldn’t that in turn make it not a bad thing to love ?#I don’t even mean in the self ship sense I just don’t even know why I fell into that crowd of people#I’m aromantic asexual really I can’t exactly feel those things properly or at all#so . . I guess that was me adopting what others around me did#I don’t know anymore . . it’s confusing
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