#to distract myself from the anxiety i am feeling atm

[cowboys-tshot]

i'd like to return to hyperfixating on epic the musical and forgetting that the american politics exist pls

[phagodyke]

ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(

[sesshy380]

I have been really wanting to write lately, but I've realized that what used to be procrastination has now turned into overwhelming anxiety at so much as touching my WiP's. It all feels so daunting atm, and I know if I just sit and focus without distractions I can probably get something written, but getting myself to do exactly that feels impossible.

Not to mention I have been rereading longfic to try and help me get back into the groove of things, and I can't get through a single earlier chapter without overly criticizing my earlier writing. I am really tempted to do a complete overhaul, which is another daunting task that I know if I just sit down and do it, it probably won't be that bad.

It's just all driving me crazy right now, because head is full of so much and I can't seem to get any of it out. I want to wrap up TKB 2nd chance chapter and work on next one, but I can't even bring myself to do more than open and immediately close the docs.

I have an idea for a tendies fic, but once again brain looks at new doc and says 'Nope'. Can't even work on deathship or werekat or anything. Only doc I've had no issues looking at or engaging with has been RP docs lately. IDK if it's because it's essentially a cowritten fic at this point or what.

All I know is anxiety has been increasing lately over not writing/working on fics. Add to it some irl bullshit that I can't even temporarily escape from by writing, bc writing is obviously not happening, so it just makes the anxiety worse.

[system-of-a-feather]

A thing I do have to say, as a system / trauma survivor on the very active form of coping and survival (flight and fight), I really struggle to understand, empathize with (even just cognitively), and sympathize with those with the more passive forms of coping and survival (freeze and fawn) towards trauma, anxiety, depression, etc and I have to regularly keep myself in check when seeing it to NOT judge just because I don't really understand it.

Cause every time I just internally go "Okay well STOP being sad for yourself and get yourself going to fix your situation, look do this" - not in a "I'm better than you" or "Its your fault" way but in a "why aren't you doing anything" based on the fact that whenever I'm having A Time, I (as a whole) tend to GO. We don't experience long periods of fawn or freeze and usually those are in transition or just briefly to recover from our constant fight-flight nature.

I don't understand passive coping past a logical theoretical level. I understand that people cope that way, I understand that it is often a distraction / soothing behavior or the most they feel they can do because their brain tends to shut down rather than activate - I understand that it is hyporegulation and I get that on a face level.

But on a personal level? I can't put myself in the shoes. I can't imagine what it would be like or what line of thinking / feeling would drive that. I can't see into it at all. I don't really know the best thing to do to help someone in those modes and defer to the assumed best safe answer of giving space and leaving an open door / ear, but it's extremely foreign of a concept.

From my perspective, I see it and it just looks sad and miserable and - because of my extreme specialized end of coping - I just go "how are you SITTING there? it looks miserable!" cause again, the LAST thing I do as a heavy hyper regulated cope-r, is sit.

I dunno, I'm just sitting and analyzing the differences in coping patterns cause my boy is having a Time atm and I'm like "Google, try to generate a plan with our non-existent empathy and failing cognitive empathy"

Anyways, if anyone wants to share / explain their experiences with either end of coping or wants to give me tips and ideas of how to help someone who leans to depressive-style coping than mine. Not in any urgent situation cause I've talked with him some and have a good general preferred sort of thing but like

This shit always confuses me. I'm too.... a lot of things to understand this beyond a theoretical hyper rationalized manner.

(Also if anyone can explain this to me, you have the right to explain this to me like I'm a 8 year old kid if you like cause thats probably about as much as I understand it and its fair. I am always so bewildered as to how that kind of coping Works and thus always confused as to how to best help someone that copes in such a way)

[nekroschafis-obsessions]

Most busy sheepi! (Obsession + insomnia is heavy atm) Also sorry my current focus is almost exclusively on the two projects I am working on (the sheep decorations last 4 pieces at my workplace / desk) and the digital project which for me is a totally new topic so I can barely find time to think of something else (or sleep) which means I can barely find the time for any of my other obsessions (unless it comes to random topics infodumping in conversations with my workmates or friends) so….I want to „apologize“ for being „gone“ but I can assure you the SP fandom and my obsession with my favourite characters will NEVER end! It‘s just currently resting because my mind can‘t split its focus endlessly, especially when there is so much new to learn and troubleshoot in my project. (and focusing on THIS plus a single-topic internet forum helps me distract from my waiting time as long as my housing situation is on hold). I also happened to stumple upon clips of the South Park End of obesity which already makes me excited for when I will take the time to finally watch it and focus on one of my many favourite cartoons again. At the moment I CAN‘T but I can be sure I won‘t out of future fandom inspiration that soon. \o/ And maybe when I become less busy with single topics / activities I will probably return to my other websites including this one again. After all I did have fun here and it‘s always nice to read about fandom stuff. Also I occasionally dive into fanart again, although currently in other topics, but this means I will probably be more confident of at least putting my ideas on paper / creating scribbles again instead of forcing myself to focus on non-fandom art for practice purpose / new techniques / commissions at my workplace. Anyway I currently don‘t post my sketches and photos here as I take a break of tumblr / insta / deviantart and focus on the fandom exclusive forum only as it feels better for me when it comes to keeping my inspiration and motivation level up and my depression / anxiety level low. It just feels like my youth again where one fandom community was the dominant gathering place that made it easier for me to create even quick fanart ideas, even when they are first attempts at this fandom art. So for now I‘m still all sheepi crafts and Don‘t Starve aligned, probably as long as I am trapped in my current house to keep my sanity and focus as high as possible (at the cost of staying awake for 3+ days and backaches and eyestrain)

But I fear I have barely felt that much happiness and that little anxiety within the past years!

Looking forward to post random stuff here again. :)

Anyway my compulsive negative thoughts have almost been reduced to zero since I started to dive into my current longterm focus.

So happy Schafi Mäh! \o/ Määääääh!!!!!

[thatguymao]

Day 1: 500cals

Morning weight: 121lbs

Cals consumed: 520

Cals burned: 553

Net cals: -33

Met the cal limit for today (the extra 20 are from my multivitamins) I fully expected to gain weight after binging last night but I actually dropped to 121lbs! So close to my 2nd goal weight! I was thinking of getting Dutch bros as a reward but I honestly am going to just save that for after the abc diet. I'm not very materialistic so I don't have anything that I want, and I'm too busy atm to reward myself with a chill or fun day. Maybe reward myself with a "chill at the library doing hw" day? I like being productive, and I love the library...

Mentally, today was rough for school reasons. So much stress and anxiety. Also don't have friends, which has been lonely and sad. Just feel awful in general, but at least I stuck to my workout and cal limit. If my school and social life don't got me, at least Ana got me.

Also had to go for vitamins and protein powder today. For all the money I managed to save up from not buying food, it sure hurt to see the total :") they're important tho so cant complain too much.

Tmrw will be another busy day, but at least then it'll be easier to distract myself from food. I'm gonna shower then sleep tho cus I'm exhausted. Manifesting 120lbs tmrw morning 🌄 🙏

[crmsnmth]

September Sky Chapter Four, part 4

That had been on Monday. Six days ago. It felt like it was a whole different time period, yet somehow that it just happened. Sitting here, in the early morning dark royal purples, time didn't matter. My heart finally caught up to itself and my breathing came easy. Soon enough I was asleep again.

* * * *

I had maybe an hour or so before Addison would be here. We had decided on some place I've never heard of called Atomic Cafe. I ended up making her pick where, because I don't know shit for vegan places. According to Addison, this place had a great menu, featuring vegan and omnivore foods. And although I was thankful it did have other options, I would've been fine with a place that just served vegan or vegetarian foods. i was so thankful she had picked something. I would've never figured it out.

I was out in the backyard, chain-smoking and pacing along the small and neglected lawn. Most of the gross was brown and dead, and soon the earth would reclaim its place, and this would all be dirt. It wasn't our fault. it was already crappy when we first moved in. And the landlord never tried to blame us for it. I guess we had a pretty good landlord. He wasn't a slumlord and if something went wrong, you better believe he be there.

A nervous, panicky energy was flowing through me, riding the highways of my veins. It made it impossible to sit still, for even just a second. Trust me, I tried. The power plant inside of me held me tight from the moment I woke up this morning. I tried every distraction I could, from playing video games to walking around the block. Nothing helped.

Not for the first time, I panicked and wanted to call her and cancel. Somehow I was working through it. I think knowing I couldn't fuck this chance up was more of a help then a hindrance. I was freaking out, yeah, that was true, but I was freaking out alone. Maybe I'd get it all out of my system. This, of course, was just wishful thinking.

I paced, making a trail in the dead grass. Back and forth, back and forth. I tossed a cigarette butt off into the alley behind the house. Tom usually parked back here, but he wasn't home.

It seemed I was looking at my phone every minute. At least that's what it felt like. In all reality, I don't think even a full minute would pass before I would check it again. I'd look at the screen in some word form of hope and desperation.

Anticipation plus high anxiety is like being made entirely of electricity. It wasn't really that horrible of a feeling. Actually, it was kind of nice. And oddly exhilarating. I couldn't tell you why though. I could almost feel the bolts in my fingertips. I looked around quick, making sure no was looking at me, or around. Then I tried to use Force lightning because I am geeky kid in a punk frame. It did not work, just in case you were wondering.

I stopped pacing, tossed my half full cigarette into the alley, and headed back inside. I headed through the house, moving fast to get to my room. Dennis's gunshots were bleeding into the hall, like normal. I checked to make sure I had everything I needed. I didn't really need all that much. My wallet, which I wore chained cause I won't let that image fade away, my phone, cigarettes, lighter and keys. That's it. Four things. I had already hit the ATM earlier in the day.

My laptop sat open on the bed. I dropped myself next to it, grabbing it and clicking on to Facebook, for the millionth time that day. I had nothing from anybody, so I just sat their scrolling and looking at the clock every few seconds. Chad suddenly was online.

CHRIS: What's up?

CHAD: Not much. Isn't today your date?

CHRIS: In about a half hour.

CHAD: Ah, that makes sense.

CHRIS: I'm a fucking ball of lightning right now. I even tried to use Force Lightning.

CHAD: Lol, for real? CHRIS: Yeah, in the backyard.

[ninasbooknook]

vent post 🫶🏼 (tw skin picking, ocd, anxiety, mention of blood)

2 weeks ago i started taking adhd medication. this is my first time on this type of medication so i expected some new side effects but i feel like my mental health has changed sort of drastically since i started taking them. i have had a past of OCD traits but i have never been tested. i have an anxiety disorder and i haven’t been fully diagnosed but i am taking medication for that and my depression.

so my anxiety has spiked since taking the adhd medication. before the medication i was actually doing really well with anxiety and depression. i hadn’t had that general anxiety feeling in a long time. and then it came back. yk that feeling where you feel anxious/worried but you don’t have anything in particular that you’re worried about? that’s what i mean by “general anxiety feeling”. so that was one of the first signs of my anxiety spiking bc it was just there. i could sense it. next was the nausea. i have different feelings of nausea and i have been able to label all of them over the years. the nausea i have been feeling is my well known anxiety nausea. again, there was nothing making me worried. although i was starting to get a little worried around this time because i was really struggling with communication so it was hard to tell people how i was feeling. it’s made my social life really hard. but i wasn’t necessarily overthinking this when i got that anxiety nausea. next was the obsession with my fingers. i could not stop picking the skin around my nails. i hate the little bits of skin that stick out. it looked bad and it made me uncomfortable somehow. so i’d pick it. and i’d pick it again and again until all my fingers had scabs/infection or were bleeding. i felt so bad. i didn’t want to keep picking but i couldn’t help it. even though it made me feel worse for picking my skin, it make me feel a bit better. it relieves some of the anxiety. that’s how i felt at least. it was a distraction from the things around me. i realised i actually liked the pain sometimes. this worried me. i’m not the type of person that hurts themselves as a coping mechanism. but the pain felt good. like i deserved it.

i started using the app “i am sober”. it’s been sort of helpful. so today i was so close to reaching the 3rd day milestone. i was so proud of myself. at school i planned with my bf to go to his house. one, because i love hanging out with him and two, i never feel anxious at his house and atm i’ve been opting for the “stress-free” option ofc. turns out i couldn’t come over. i was really disappointed but i sucked it up and went home. me and my bf were kind of pissed and i felt like he was a bit annoyed at me which didn’t make me feel any better (he wasn’t annoyed at me btw). i get home and i remember that i broke a nail at school and my nails are uneven now. as much as i’ve been trying to avoid going anywhere near my finger nails, i realise my finger nails are getting in the way of my mouse pad giving my finger tips a weird feeling.

fast forward 3 hours. i spent 3 fucking hours, trimming, cutting and filing my nails. i picked at the sides of my fingers with the nail clippers trying to remove any dead skin that might show up later (which i hate). i attempted to remove my cuticles because i just couldn’t get them even. i picked at the side of one of my fingers so much it began to bleed. i hated myself. i realised then that i’d lost my streak of not picking my skin. i had been doing so well and then i ruin it all. which is untrue, i didn’t really ruin it all. but that’s how i felt. still, i kept picking. it had been around 2 hours and i hadn’t even finished a whole hand of fingers. by 3 hours i’d completed one hand. the only thing that stopped me from continuing my picking was the call that dinner was being served and after dinner my bf called me. he knew i wasn’t ok. i wanted to leave the call but he begged me to stay. i can’t say no to him. the feeling that i need to finish the other hand is still lingering in the back of my mind but i don’t want to upset or disappoint my bf.

tonight i felt like hurting myself. there were scissors on my bed i used on my nails earlier. i imagined what it would feel like on my skin. i hate myself for admitting that i was going to hurt myself if my bf wasn’t on the phone with me at the time. i pray i wouldn’t have been brave enough to do it anyway. i felt like i deserved it. to be in pain.

anyways my lovely bf made me feel better just be being there. we didn’t talk, he listened to me and when i stopped talking we sat in silence. but he was there and that’s what matters. if we wasn’t there i might have done something id extremely regret. i also think i might have had a panic attack if he wasn’t there to calm me down. i love him 🫶🏼

i realised later that when i wanted to go to my bf's house it was like my body was warning me that the anxiety was going to be bad. that the picking was going to be bad. it's not bad at his house so my brain wanted to go there. maybe i'm reading into this too much but the way i felt when i realised ii couldn't go to his house wasn't just disappointment. it was worry and stress. i felt like i needed to go to his house.

if you read all of this, bless your heart 😭🫶🏼 if you have any similar experiences or thoughts on this lmk!! could this be ocd or is it something else?

｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡ ﾟ。 - nina's book nook 　ﾟ･｡･ﾟ

[owltypical]

well, i'm 39 today. my final birthday in my thirties. i am of course a weird and anxious pile of emotions atm over this!

like, i know ageism is a big problem on this site and in real life in general, i'm not feeling particularly old at the core of things, i don't feel different in any way from how i've felt for a while now, i know i'm technically still young and have many years and good things ahead of me

but it's also hard not to feel like i'm quickly approaching a very big and important marker in life, the switch from the First Half to the Second Half, the big four-oh, with very little to show for it; like the entirety of my twenties and thirties, the peak prime of my youth, went by in a quick vague haze and i spent most of those twenty years lonely, afraid, depressed, poor, et cetera (not to mention the critical three years of my thirties i lost to covid)

i'm now at a part of my life where i should have at least some of my shit together and progressing, but the current job search is long and fruitless, i'm broke, dating continues to be nonexistent, and the words of that one gyno i had a few years back sternly looking at me and saying i only have so many years of decent fertility for family stuff left is pecking steadily at the back of my brain

and that age anxiety feeds into my making art as well; i've had long art blocks before but never one as bad as the one i'm currently in and have been the past couple years, lately i keep having positive ideas and drawings moments in little fits and starts, but it still has yet to fully come back to me, and i can't stop feeling terrified that it might never come back to me, and that overall i've lost many years of precious creative time and only have so many left, and for all my big dreams and plans i've very little to show for it all

and the most terrifying thought of all, that i was just never meant to be cut out for vigorous art-making like comics and stories to begin with, that it was all for naught and that i'm nothing more than a little part-time hobbyist

i'm at the perfect age now for a mid-life crisis, Oh Boy, and it kinda feels like one's brewing a bit, so i'm going to distract myself with nutella brownies and bg3 today

[9800sblog]

Thinking he'll see ghosts if he gets involved in tarot-thats literally me,couple of years ago when I got into spirituality,tarot etc I was so scared watching tarot videos,even sometimes I get scared while watching some particular type of videos,usually the one's with talking to spitit guides or passed on loved ones,I've decided and then undecided to connect directly to my spirit guides,they are allowed to give me message in my dreams or in other non scary ways tho they don't seem to do so much,maybe I can't see it,last year I was trying to astral project for few months cause I noticed I've been doing a lot of the things people tell you to do for astral projection and maybe it was meant to be,after many half attempts,lucid dream nightmares(nightmares are common for me in general yikes) and few almosts I gave up,I thought I could talk directly to my spirit guides there but I just couldn't be nonchalant about oh you might see a shadow figure,you might come across tricksters,for me I need to know everything about something and prepare for it properly,also if you tell me this might or might not happen my brain will cling to it happening so I'm on guard so it's hard for me to take chances with this,even I am spiritual,I have severe anxiety disorder(untreated atm due to things out of my control)and that probably has some hand in this,have you ever felt this way? how do you deal with being scared of things like this?

oh my god when I started getting into these things, I was sooooo scared!! i started doing telepathy communication with my future spouse and sometimes I'd just see or feel the person in my room and I'd FREAK OUT, turn on all the lights, look every corner to see if there's something or someone, then distract myself somehow so I wouldn't think of it while also being vigilant, just in case.

how did it get better? literally just figuring out what's going on and how things work. before being into spirituality, I was super into science, so my spiritual knowledge is intertwined with scientific explanations, makes things less scary. because science explains everyday life in simple ways, spirituality is literally a type of science. I don't like when people explain spirituality in complicated terms or make it feel like magic or something exclusive, spirituality is everyday life and habits. spiritual practices like tarot cards are just supposed to make it easier, it's not a big deal.

I don't personally believe spirits can interact with the physical world, that's why I'm not a fan of talking to spirit guides too often, it can confuse the shit out of you. so that horror movie thing where ghosts pull your feet at night is literally impossible, they can't harm you physically or force you into anything. I think they can bring ideas into your head, but only if you ask and you'll only follow if you're susceptible or agree.

I personally don't like watching general tarot videos and things like that because that type of media usually reaches a bigger audience - it's more difficult to interpret the messages and too many people "popularize" their beliefs for money and attention. I'd say if you don't feel comfortable in a video, just move along, it's not a big deal at all.

I think most of us are chilling when it comes to shadow beings, I like to think of them as black holes - if you came into contact with one, you wouldn't be able to avoid it and it would cause major destruction, but how many stories have you heard of someone dying in a black hole? the other "dark spirits", I think of them as natural disasters like hurricanes, you can easily protect yourself from it, some people are more susceptible to it's consequences, but also most people can and do recuperate from it. and if you're prepared, it's not that big of a deal.

i hope this helps! it's just my personal thing, but figuring out how science explains spiritual beliefs is the best thing for anxious people that are into these things hehe

[fikarot]

Hiiii not babymonster related but I am having a depression or like being lonely I feel stuck like having a social anxiety how can I overcome this I feel that people don't like me because I am weird or not interacting of I am just a lonely person I feel I am just a back up friend always being left out there's a time I kinda what to die like drinking or taking pills committed suicide hope can I overcome this like society anxiety how can I motivated myself and be stronger

finally something not baemon related!

look, there are so many ways to light yourself up, to feel better.

although i don’t do personal readings because i don’t want to interfere with everyone’s energies altogether atm and i want to take small steps doing readings, i talked with my friend yesterday about shadow work. it’s about working with your unconscious mind to uncover the parts of yourself that you repress and hide from yourself. there are many ways to do it: medidating, brainstorming, even having shadow journal, there are many methods to do it.

you can start first with questioning yourself about the things you’re worried about. i can do always 3-card health related reading but if my interpretation doesn’t align with you, then what? the best answer about all your questions is deep inside you. you can cry if you find the long needed answers as long as you need and what but that’s the best way to understand the reason behind all this happening to you no matter how you do it.

after that, you have to accept yourself, your mistakes and actions. if that’s hard to you, then ask yourself why it’s so hard. try to accept everything that happened and is going on.

i did shadow work years ago without even realising it. the answer about gaining your willpower to live back might be in front of you without realising it.

atm i do have hardships to gain my willpower back, but i’ve decided to rest before feeling i have to gain it back because i feel better to not force myself but i prepare myself to do another type of shadow work just to gain my willpower back.

i do believe you should try doing shadow work. however, there are many blogs with different information about shadow work, so my best advice is if you’re ready to try it, align with what you’re feeling most comfortable with.

it’s not your fault that this is happening to you. however, we have to take in one way or another to be responsible and get over everything that’s going on.

i believe you should do shadow work first and then you can motivate yourself, think positive, accept yourself and do everything you need to make your life better. if you can’t try it, then what? everything is going to be the same, or even worse?

it can be hard to do everything in once. you can try with the smallest things, and later the bigger, to the point there is only one thing that you can fix and it’s the biggest issue you possibly have. if you’re not ready yet, you can rest and prepare to do it after a while, it’s whatever you need. but sooner or later, this might be your last chance. try it, i believe that you have nothing to lose.

after trying shadow work in its fullest potential you can reach and find willpower about living, then you can try to socialise.

maybe you can try to do some hobbies? distract yourself? there are always alternatives to feel better THAT ARE NOT INVOLVING DRUGS, ALCOHOL AND CIGARETTES. there is always another way.

don’t forget that you’re not alone. you can fight it, find your willpower and feel better. i believe in you. you’re stronger than you realise it.

[iexistfor1post]

The more I take the online tests and read the symptoms of ADHD in woman the more I see myself in those symptoms

(This was getting long, so I added a read"more)

Well most symptoms as I am not one to try really hard if I don't care for the thing

It would make sense for me to have ADHD as one of my older brothers has it

Since I mentioned the online tests

I keep getting moderate to high because surprise i am indecisive with answers so my answers slightly change on what I am feeling atm

I hate the idea of taking meds as I already take anxiety meds (which i think are helping )

At the same time I have no social life

The few symptoms I think don't fit are research rabbit holes because while I look things up and occasionally go deeper I normally just skim a website or 2 for the answer I was looking up

I don't believe how a perfectionist in any way

While I do think I am slightly bad at time (when I am not in a panic) I am someone who has to check my calendar and I always arrive early to stuff

I'm not even joking... kinda cause for years and especially in high school I was like haha I definitely have adhd with how distracted I am

Looking at a actual symptoms list and being told woman mostly have the inattentive kind just... hits

Like folks can tell you when I get excited about what I want to talk about it lose some volume control

The symptom of interrupting made me laugh because I always have to try so hard not to interrupt

I want to speak about something I am obsessed with atm

When people talk about hyperfocus or whatever I never know if it fits because from what I can see when they stop hyper focusing on one thing they move to another

When I get really attached to something and it kinda takes over my life I still interact with other things I love

(Depending on the thing as minecraft anything I really am bad at staying interested when my brain is done focusing on it)

Like currently i am obsessed with warrior cats and all I have been doing for almost a year is drawing cats

Mostly just cats

The year before that was qsmp which that died kinda quickly around the purgatory thing

Back to symptoms

I really do make some small and dumb mistakes just because my brain just didn't wanna work

Like earlier today I was changing the tortise's heat bulb and I forgot how to put the cord behind the tank and instead plugged it in and then was trying to squeeze the lamp behind the tank when there was no space 😅

I really do lose things easily if I just set the item down and didn't put it in a designated spot

I am really bad at directions and while I swear I know my left from my right when I was learning to drive a few years ago my brain apparently forgot ��

(I turned left when dad said right for example)

(Also my dad told me directions and I immediately turned the wrong way)

I talk a lot and my coworkers could tell you that... and my family

Which is funny because I am bad at dealing with crowds and loud noises... more specifically at my home though occasionally outside my house it frustrates me

With me getting into online shopping was a bad thing because I am normally good at not impulse buying... too much

Now, however, I am buying too much 😰

My brain can't deal with quiet or peace because I always begin singing

I wish it wasn't Christmas songs atm but better than Yankee Doodle and Oh My Darling Clementine

I know I am fidgety but most of the time it is non intrusive as it is just me playing with my hair ties or hair, even lightly tapping my feet and hands

Also working in retail i also sway my body when I am not leaning on something

...

Though I then begin to kinda swing on the half wall

Yeah unless I have my phone or I am drawing or helping a customer I wiggle a lot

I am a messy person in everywhere but the living room, kitchen, and bathroom

Also dude in school I was (and still am) really bad with procrastination

If something was due at 11:59 I was working from 7pm until then to get it down

Cause like I would start most things, then procrastinate then get it down

Occasionally, with things, I was even looking forward to do

Part of the problem is i have trouble doing multiple things at once

Like with aquabeads I was doing them for like 2 weeks then interest died again

I adore drawing cats however one project i have been doing with someone just has me stuck

They say it sounds like burn out cause I wanna do the thing but can't

which is making me more frustrated because I have been doing other things to chill

Like drawing my own characters, playing a game i haven't in like a year, etc

Then I say "Oh I will draw the cats [in the project] tonight"

Then I just don't ://

They are understanding, but I am not being nice to myself

I have no idea if this is a symptom but man I rarely ever studied in school

Also any "studying" was me cramming stuff into my brain

Yet somehow besides most math and maybe ap __ history I got mostly B's and A's

Somehow in stats i got a B overall and on the midterm despite getting a couple D's on homework

Also Geometry is dumb because I still don't understand it and it was the only class I was ever failing

My algebra 2 teacher imo sucked because this man saw his class not doing the hw and he instead decided to just stop grading hw. If you had it done you could use it on the test

I did the extra credit for that class just to make sure I would keep my c+/b-

Also cause it wasn't math it was just write about something you learned

My brain just buffers when letters are in the mix

Like I can count by 12 in my head fine and I think fractions could be fun

This may be my anxiety but I need lists of things I need to do and occasionally I need step by step directions for my comfort

Man i remember back in 5th grade when someone called me quiet cause dude when I am excited I am loud

Most days I am quiet but that is because I am bad at interacting with people.

I am both loud and quiet

A consistent thing for me haha

But yeah I am a mostly quiet and shy person as I am not comfortable a lot in public

Not like i wouldn't wear pj's out but that is different

When my brain thinks I need social I will chat a lot

Like all the way back in 8th? grade i was alone in a class with no one i knew and like day 3 I started talking and befriending the girl next to me because I just can't stand my brain apparently

I am getting so sleepy 😴

I can make acquaintances but I have trouble saying friends ://

You know i swear i was fine before I moved in 4th grade

I used to go to friends and now I don't 😕

Oh before I forget I do the shaking hands thing when anything make me wound

Which one day a customer asked if I was hurt

I wasn't as I was just frustrated with a coworker so I was trying to I guess shake of the nerves??

Also I don't really know how me having anxiety med affect anything as the websites I read say that yeah lots of women with adhd could also have such and such

I just don't know how it effects me as my memory is bad with a few thinsg

Ok i need to sleep as I am falling asleep typing this

[snapshots-of-the-young-egotist]

I kid around a lot but I am serious about needing two things for certain: the mountains and the beach. There are several things I want to do in Boone while I'm there and the first is to stop by The Comeback Shack. . Then drive down a few memory lanes.. aka drive around the town - literally - around town- (because it's a circle..) ah I'm actually laughing about this because Iykyk.. but there is one particular street I must drive by. Simply for the fact that it is one of my favorite places in the world now. Its serenity on a sunny day captivated me and made quite an impression on me in my youth. So many years ago.. The trees cast these marvelous shadows against the window shield, and the road winds at a certain angle- and if you drive too fast, or are even remotely distracted- it'll take you straight downhill. I like to think about the value in that all or nothing sort of state.

I put this song here because in 2015 I reconsidered how I was living my life. I listened to RKS all summer. I attempted to reconstruct what my version of reality could look like, if I took other people out of the equation and only committed to myself. It was a profound time for me. I did quite a bit of soul work. Quite a bit of healing. Got invited to a mediation hosted by the very Swamji I dreamed of 6months prior! I did so many things for myself that summer. Just to kind of prove, not only was I capable of the discipline to navigate whatever trajectories the path before me throws me to, but that I was capable of making others see the value in what I would like to bring forth. My first dose of relaxation came in the form of receiving an offer to publish a transcript I submitted. Now, that in itself was an eye opening crash course in "Be in the world, but not of it." . And, "Nothing you do in life is important. . But it is very important that you do it." What I mean by that, I did not want to continue down the path I felt uncomfortable on. So after meditating I only had the same ideas come to me about how to make money while still being completely free and available 24/7. . Cue my anxiety and throw in a little runners high for the motivation to finally summon the courage to submit my work, and bam- I got exactly what I wanted. I got exactly what I wanted and it still did not feel right. Why was that?! It is because, it was what I wanted, but it was just a version of what I wanted. Meaning, I had other options. Many more publishers to shop this around to. Not in an egoic way, like, "I can have any publisher I want!" No. What I am speaking of, is the fact that the we all have choices to make sometimes that will change the entire trajectory of our lives. If something is a little off, it doesn't mean you are supposed to ignore it and expect it to go away. . (It never will) Instead of ignoring the feelings when you recognize something is off, it is much more helpful to ask, what is a better version of this outcome? So for me, I could see myself giving parts of myself away to a publisher that saw something in me. Something enough to give me a chance, right? Right.. but just because one or two or a few people see our value and would like to afford us recognition of our value, we must also be astute to our value. We must know our value well enough to place borders around our standards, but not our potential. I've held off on completely finishing what I think will be a great book. I know one thing; once I get this one going, maybe I can branch out to the collection of children's books. Anyways- I just kind of feel the need to bring the energy full circle and go back to the place that taught me so many things.

Deviating from expressing my gameplan. . the beach situation has me a little thrown atm. . On a whim I decided myrtle- but like- in that, "I need a beach desperately" kind of way.. that only a place like Myrtle Beach could deliver on.. The thing is, it will be Stella's very first time at the beach. I'd rather take her to like Sullivans Island or Kiawah. Idk.

60day update- after my phone was definitely stolen and then returned I decided I'm not going to get to enjoy my laundry mat day anymore. Although I had to go to Lowe's for a carpet cleaner, and reminded myself to get a belt for the dryer- guess what I did not do while I was there?! So that's great. I will do that tmrw and I will have at least one thing to be accomplished abt. So that and some spray paint for the mini-projects I need to finish- weather permitting. i think, so far, the biggest takeaway I think I've gotten with this challenge, is that things really can change in just a single moment. Not like, an actual single moment- but like, many moments - are are suddenly realized in a moment-

one moment today caused me to reconsider why I am suddenly ready to do things that apparently I have had time for in the past. I'm really spring cleaning right now- everything around me- including myself, my mind, my body- all of it, ya know? .. so I'm really digging here and I have been all year. So I keep having these run ins with the past. Some of it is pleasant. Like, opening a suitcase and seeing old clothes I haven't seen in a while.. that's pleasant. But some other things I run into, are not so pleasant. I like to think I refrain from suppressing much, and that is exactly what allows me to bring forth the proper balance into my life. But sometimes, some things, cause you to recognize something for what it is. Or, what it is not, and never could be. Something is really looking and I cannot make out what it is to save my life. It's so subtle- but something is on the way- and for several months now, I've only been made aware of this because it's energetic signature is so profound, I can't not feel it. Can't not expect it. . I also can not put my finger on it! Honestly I think it's going to be something good, but then when I meditate on what it will be, there is cause for concern. So I'm stranded. The only thing that I'm allowed to know, is that something is on its way. Whichever way it goes, preparing is pivotal in casting a strong foundation- within the mind and within emotions. Mastery of those never sits idle for too long.

I have got to stop being so afraid to make decisions. I say that, and go to employ my decision making skills, and something always goes awry.

I think what usually causes my discomfort is the expression of dismay in someones face when they do not like what I have to say.

this is a lot and I am a lot. There is a lot going on right now. I have a lot of projects in my mind and in reality and I just love that I get this quiet little space here to kind of just dump everything that I am trying to sort out.. or need to sort out .. but don't want to forget to sort out. What I should really be doing is putting my appointments here as a reminder so I don't miss anymore of them!

I guess before my birthday I will schedule that schtupid eye exam and get those schtupid glasses that I swear to God I will either lose or break by way of Stella stealing them, or me dropping them and then stepping on them in my haste to pick them up..

ugh and ah

that's right

I'm repulsed and excited

but mostly sleepy

[jadorelesradis]

Ok so I need to put something out there but I keep going back and forth about telling someone or not, so a read more post on my very unpopular tumblr is a good compromise I think?

TW depression, suicide (same old, same old), looooooooong post of dramatic rambling. It is not a cry for help.

It’s happening again.

I’ve had a manic episode and now I’m back in depression. Big time. I’m starting to have these nagging thoughts about dying. The metro is stuck, what if it exploded or summat? I wake up from a xanax nap, if I were to top myself I’m definitely using that! Everybody hates me, I’m expendable. I can’t do this to my mum, granny, brothers, nephews...

And it’s hard to explain but I don’t regret any of my suicide attempts, nor do I regret having survived them. Like, I feel I made the right decision and to be honest what happened after, even all the good times, it was not that great either. Just ok enough to keep me alive, I guess it’s not that bad. And I really can’t do that to my loved ones.

My former flatmate told me she would sometimes listen to me sleep to make sure I was still alive. Last weekend, she was the one to comfort me when I broke down at another friend’s party. I hate myself for the pain I inflicted to her and I don’t want to worry her anymore. Ironically, she almost died last year from her ovocyte donation. As Depeche Mode once said "God's got a sick sense of humour”.

Anyway, I am in pain so I get these suicidal thoughts. Then I distract myself and it goes away. Then something or other reminds me the world is shit. I am in pain again. I’m not sure how long I’m going to last like this.

But, as much as I am ok with dying, I am terrified by the idea of going back to the hospital. The looney bin is a fucking prison, it’s boring as fuck and if anything it makes me want to die more. Last time, it drove me so mad I argued endlessly with the doctor and she sent me to a much, much worse place (I was in a dedicated department for mood disorders and got sent to a stricter department on the other side of the region where all types of mental illnesses, it’s fucking scary, it makes the other hospital look like a 5* hotel). Then they sent me back because I was too well for them and then annoyed the original doctor into letting me go. She was so fucking mad, it bordered on being unprofessional and I left against medical advice. I am not doing this again.

One thing that is a guaranteed ticket to the psych ward is suicide ideation with a plan. I am not there yet but I feel it creeping into my brain. I push it away as best as I can. It’s hard.

I haven’t told my therapist and psychiatrist about that. They know it’s getting bad but not about the suicidal stuff. I want to tell them but again, the hospital is weighing on me like the sword of Damocles. They’re focusing on my anxiety for now, which is good because it’s through the bloody roof atm. I keep having panic attacks and that weird thing where my brain just stops because I’ve got too many things to do at once. It’s disconcerting really, I’m sat there, paralysed for no reason. 

I should break up with my therapist. I rarely get anything from our sessions. We speak about TV shows and social justice. He tells me to keep going. It’s really helpful and it’s not cheap. I should see someone new. But I don’t know how to tell him. And finding a new shrink isn’t that easy. And then starting anew. It’s hell.

I was watching a TV show earlier and one character said that even though she always says “I am a child of divorce” past the age 30, she really isn’t the produce of her parents’ love or hatred. She’s her own person. It was meant as a nice thing, an empowered statement. It just reminded me that I am alone, that friendship is nice but the support you get from your loved ones only goes so far. I think the endless propaganda about love has gotten to me because I keep thinking that if I were with someone, romantically, I would someone to count on 100%. I also don’t think it’s a very healthy dynamic. It’s conflicting.

I obviously can’t avoid talking about Starmania. The waitress, Marie Jeanne, may have shaped my identity after listening to her songs day in, day out as a kid.

She’s stuck in a menial job where every day is the same. She doesn’t know what she wants, only not work. She wants to escape. She sings that in the end, we are all alone in this world. She says her head hurts, she just wants to sleep, that we should let her die because she doesn’t to be a part of this fucking society anymore. And she’s not sure whether the society is that much of a problem or if it’s just her.

I tick every boxes here. Except I am not in love in a gay man who’s really superficial anyway.

It’s an odd conclusion but why not? My venting is over.

[confessinbouthanson]

“I hate to say it Does anyone else feel weird being in this fandom with some of these fans? The gross, obsessed, smelly, AND ONLY WHEN convenient, camp out all night, always complaining, sign the petition, stalk all the pages, blow up the forums, pretend to hate them on Reddit but still pay to see them, “just here for Taylor”, moved to Tulsa, named their kids after ITZ or EPRVWIM? The ones with no life other than Hanson? I would never be exposed to or put up with any of this crap in any other area of my life.  It’s exhausting and extremely off putting and I hate being lumped in or associated with any of that. I’m disgusted to be a part of any of it. The band also hates it too. And it’s why they have distanced themselves. They hate us. We are just walking, camping, air breathing, skin bag ATMs to them.   I know I should just quit instead of adding to the frenzy and being part of the problem. Maybe it is an addiction at this point. Or maybe just all of the online  communities is the drug that distracts from the music. I’ve made some great friends because of this band and the way the fandom is. But I also don’t like what it has done to me as a person. Why am I participating in things trying to keep up with people who I would never associate with IRL? Maybe I could just completely remove myself from every FB, IG page, and stay off hnet and Reddit. To not feel like I have to go to every show, every exclusive thing, to buy all the merch, this limited package of this, the gold and the copper…BTTI …to worry about the latest drama, who’s getting canceled, bitch fest about how Hanson has let us down again.But am I strong enough to fight the anxiety driven impulses born out of FOMO and YOLO? I don’t think I am. Sometimes I wish I would have stayed in the dark about all things Hanson after Underneath. But I can’t go back and I can’t seem to turn it off.   If you’re offended by this…you are probably part of the problem too.”

[dahliax]

Goddess of the Sun

Photo credit: Daniel Kordan - “Synchronous fireflies, Kyushu island.”

Description : Zuko x oc Dahila, Goddess of the Sun who was sent by the spirits crosses paths with Ursa, who changes her life forever.

Note : I started this fanfic for fun but now I like it. I haven’t posted fanfic in years but I thought it would be fun to start again. It’s obviously not amazing but I’m hoping to improve with practice. I’m also open to requests in my ask box preferably just Female!Reader x Zuko and some Sokka atm so I don’t overwhelm myself with too many characters (fluff, smut, oneshots, and headcannons are welcome). I will never specify skin color (so everyone can enjoy it) in my writing but occasionally specify hair color or eye color (at random) when it comes up. Let me know what you think so far and what you think might happen next! 🌸 (im real soft so pls try not to be too mean)

Warnings : fluff, angst, eventual smut (in aged up chapters).

꧁𝐶ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑂𝑛𝑒꧂

꧁𝐶ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑇𝑤𝑜꧂

The night was cold and Ursa didn’t have much time to waste. The only guard she trusted trailed behind her making sure they weren’t being followed. Trees lined the way to the witches house with fireflies illuminating the pathway. Ursa could tell she was in a spirtual place, letting her guard down.

The leaves crunched beneath their feet as they neared closer to the ominous looking cottage. Ursa looked to the stars but the storm clouds approching covered their beauty. She took her gaze to the moon shining a brilliant red, confirming the lunar eclipse blood moon. Her nerves were absolutely shot from dealing with Ozai all day. She didn’t know what had drawn her to see the witch again but she knew she was there for a reason even if she didn’t know why.

Seconds before she knocks on the door an infants crying echoed through the forest making Ursa jump out of her own skin. She looked to her left towards the sound. The baby wasn’t far. Her heart pumped fast as she dashed to find where the noise was coming from. Ursa didn’t care how loud she was now, she had to find this poor baby.

Not far from the cottage was a small river stopping Ursa in her tracks. She looked up the stream to see a basket cascading down the flowing water. Sure enough the baby was inside with a single dahlia flower and a note. Ursa frantically opened the note.

“𝑊𝑒 𝑤𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑑𝑒𝑠𝑝𝑟𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 ℎ𝑎𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑠𝑎𝑣𝑒 ℎ𝑒𝑟. 𝑊𝑒 𝑝𝑟𝑎𝑦 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑝𝑖𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑠 𝑔𝑢𝑖𝑑𝑒 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑜 𝑠𝑎𝑓𝑒 ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑠. “

The baby cried once more and Ursa took her into her arms looking into the baby’s beautiful dark eyes. Ursa’s heart sank realizing she had no idea what to do. Maybe the witch had some answers. She walked back to the familar door and knocked. Footsteps shuffled to the door and opened it creaking creepily as Ursa’s anxiety got higher the longer she held the mysterious baby. The witches eyes nearly popped out of her head at the sight of the baby.

“Your highness” the witch says while bowing, turning to let Ursa in. “That’s not Zuko, is it?” the witch questioned. “No. I just found her. I don’t know what to do” Ursa explained. “Hm let me see. Set her on the table.” This was no ordinary witch to Ursa. She was more like a friendly spiritual guide. The witch had a gift of telling fortunes and Ursa was her most prioritized customer. Anytime day or night the older witch would be there for the young woman.

Ursa set the basket on the low table taking a better look at the infant with the witch by her side. “She’s beautiful,” the witch said amazed. “She is. But what’s this?” the witch looked down at the baby’s hand. A small flower that looked almost like a tattoo was placed perfectly on the top of the babys right hand. “Emilia, who would tattoo a baby?” Ursa said mortified. A sigh left the witches mouth as she brushed her finger over the marking. “She was born with it. Tell me, where did you find her?” Emilia’s tone suddenly changed.

“The river not too far from here” Ursa replied. The witches jaw dropped with a realization coming to her brain. “It can’t be” she whispered. “Can’t be what?!” Ursa was alarmed. Quickly, Emilia ran to her book case searching for the right book muttering under her breath “oh my god, oh my god, oh my god”. Ursa was ready to explode as the day was weighing on her and now there were even more problems with this mysterious baby.

Emilia places the book on the table frantically flipping through the pages. She found the section she was looking for and read very carefully. Slowly she placed her glasses on the table and wrapped the babies hand around her pinky finger. “Is it safe to do a reading on an infant?” Ursa asked. The witch grimaced, “If she is who I think she is, she will be fine” as soon as she said that her eyes closed and she was pulled into the spirit world. Ursa was absolutely shocked at the sight. The babies tattoo shined in the dim lighting of the cottage. Now all Ursa could do was wait.

Emilia smiled at the spirit in front of her. “Spirit Shin, it is a honor” she bowed gratefully to the woman. “Spirit Guide Emilia, Ive heard many wonderful things about you�� the ghostly lady replied. Emilia stayed quiet knowing small talk wasn’t the reason she was brought here. “Congratulations, you’ve found the Goddess of the Sun” and before she could say more she was back in the cottage with Ursa.

“What happened?!” Ursa shrieked but Emilia raised a calming hand to her friends shoulders. “No worries darling. We’ve found the Goddess of the Sun” Ursa’s heart dropped, how was this possible? “I thought there was no more living gods and goddesses? I thought they were all spirits” she questioned. “Something tells me the spirits sent her here and that you were meant to find her” the witch says.

“It’s mysterious to me. You have to protect her” she starts again looking at Ursa seriously. “How am I suppose to protect her? How-how will I tell Ozai?” Ursa said stumbling over her words and tears pooling in her eyes. The day had finally got the best of her. “Child. You are stronger than you know, this baby is special and there is no other being like her. And you are in a position of power to protect her”

“But what about Ozai? If he knows she’s a goddess he’ll just weaponize her and throw her into war!” Ursa cried and Emilia thought deeply about what she was going to say next. “Tell him she was left on the palace door steps and witnesses seen you take her. The public would be enraged if the royal family rejected the baby...”

“Do you think it could work Leo?” Ursa says turning to her guard behind her. “Permission to speak freely?” He asked “Always”

“Truthfully, I’m not sure. But it’s worth a try as to not upset the spirits” he said quietly. Ursa thought for a moment. She didn’t even think of the consequences of the spirits if they didn’t protect the baby. Ursa now knew in her heart she had to help the baby “I feel that we have no choice. What should we name her?” She said as she scanned her eyes across the beautiful basket the baby laid in, eying the flower the baby was grabbing in her tiny hands. “What about Dahlia? Looks like she’s fond of them.” Leo spoke up surprising Ursa. Regret filling his chest for speaking so casually to the royal.

“What a wonderful idea Leo. It’s the perfect name.” Ursa said picking up the baby and cooing to her in her arms. “I’m afraid you must be on your way darling. It’s late and you still have to talk to Ozai” the concerned witch said. Without hesitation Ursa collected her things and started her way to the door. “Wait!” Emilia said “Give her this when she’s old enough” placing a beautiful bracelet adorned with pink diamonds into Ursa’s hand.

ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

Ursa walked up the steps soaking wet with Leo trailing behind her. It had started to rain halfway home. She couldn’t stop thinking about what she was going to say to Ozai. They had a fight before she left about who would eventually take Azulon’s place on the throne. But what Ursa didn’t know was that Ozai was planning to apologize.

She met Ozai’s gaze in the grand foyer of the palace swallowing her fear and standing tall. “I was looking for you. Who’s this?” He said softly which rarely happened. “I found her crying outside. A few locals seen I didn’t want anyone to hurt her..” she lied through her teeth. But Ozai was distracted by the baby’s face. She was adorable.

“We could change the course of her life forever Ozai..” Ursa trailed on. Ozai thought for a minute that a little good publicity wouldn’t hurt but he knew he could use this as leverage to get something he wanted. And then an idea popped in his head. “You can keep her if you give me another heir.” He said flatly. Ursa didn’t understand why Ozai was so hell bent on having a ‘spare’ even though he wasn’t next in line for the throne. But Ursa knew this would be the only way.

“Okay. I will do it” she said softly. “And if she’s a bender she could be a suitable match for Prince Zuko.” he said her heart dropped. She wanted her children to marry for love not for political gain. From that moment on she decided that Dahlia’s gifts would be kept secret to protect Dahlia and Zuko.

ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

The whispers around the palace were getting to Ursa and the babies were a beautiful distraction. A soft knock came to her door, “Come in” she said softly. Iroh smiled as he opened the door. “I hear we have a new blessing in the palace” he said and Ursa sighed, “The council would disagree with you”.

Iroh came to sit on the bed next to Ursa to see the baby. “She’s beautiful!” he said as he grabbed her tiny right hand noticing the flower. “Is there something you’re not telling me Ursa?” He smiles brighter than before, “You know I have a connection to the spirits,” he added. Ursa threw her hands up in defeat, “Alright you caught me. But if I tell you, you must keep it a secret for Zuko’s safety” Iroh simply nodded amazed by the two babies before him.

“She’s the Goddess of the Sun. I have to protect her for the spirits. I know I found her for a reason,” Ursa blurted out. Iroh tried not to laugh at her outburst and said “Your secret is safe with me. I vow to protect Zuko and Dahlia for as long as I’m alive. I’m aware there’s not many trustworthy souls roaming the palace and I’m honored you’ve decided to share this secret with me. If you are ever in any trouble you know where to find me.” Tears welled up in Ursa’s eyes. Not many people were kind to her in the palace. Iroh pulled her into a hug “Don’t you cry little dove. You have to have strength for these children, they will be lost without you” tears starting to pool in his own eyes.

They pulled away to look at the peacefully sleeping babies. “Do you think they’ll be friends?” Ursa asked. “Absolutely. Think of all the adventures they’ll go on together.” Iroh said making her laugh for the first time in a long time. “You know keeping her here came with a price...” Ursa said quietly. Iroh looked to her for an answer, “He wants another heir,”

Please let me know what you think 💗