snapshots-of-the-young-egotist

[snapshots-of-the-young-egotist]

God is love 💗 the same for me too lol

[snapshots-of-the-young-egotist]

"gimmie my sveater im ‘’bout to go vestigate"

[snapshots-of-the-young-egotist]

[snapshots-of-the-young-egotist]

saying four is different than ounting to four.

[snapshots-of-the-young-egotist]

[snapshots-of-the-young-egotist]

[snapshots-of-the-young-egotist]

I miss a lot

in a just kidding kind of way

[snapshots-of-the-young-egotist]

“Oh, he’ll be fine.. I made it up there.”

[snapshots-of-the-young-egotist]

Your grandfather said, “A great man doesn’t seek to lead. He’s called to it. And he answers.” And if your answer is “no” you’ll still be the only thing I ever needed you to be, my son.

[snapshots-of-the-young-egotist]

At the point of transition where I have yet to go back to my old job. I know I need to go back just off of principle and justice. . Even if my return is as brief as a month or two. . But after one big decision, the universe opened all of these other possibilities and too many options is confusing to me. The thing about confusion though, is I’m not actually confused. My confusion comes only when I consider how the equation would look if I were to consider another person in the trajectory of my own life and decisions. Every week I have another business plan come to me and they are stacking up at this point.

in my youth I admired this quote.. “Think and act ten years ahead”

and I still admire it, but it houses a different sentiment these days.

These are all consequences of my accident in August. I think it was an ischemic stroke, but I have yet to determine the distant severity. . I showed up to work several days after my accident, unable to move my fingers, entire left arm paralyzed, unable to form full sentences without stuttering, or lacking terms that should’ve been easy to remember. . Then, are the mental incapacities that did prevent me from actually articulating the words that I could see, but was just completely unable to verbalize. I show up to work and explain what happened, and it induces tears. I know now I was crying because I was kind of devastated by it all.. but it mattered not! Because when you come into work, you check your problems at the door! And if you can’t or it’s going to prove dangerous to yourself or others do so, you should tell someone! So I did. I told all of my bosses at once and the operations manager who could be GM now but idk.. work says, “thanks for letting us know! Our departments slow today, so you will be a runner for this concourse.. also, we’re not going to tell any other leadership about what happened to you! We want you to do alll of the work for us, and for yourself… and then also others!!”

And that was the way of things for ole’ LP.

Also consequences of inactions by others- and the scale of any sort of reasonable accommodations were completely out of question.. both at home, (to a certain existent) but more so ,the most surprising thing to come out my accident is the expectations set at work that I absolutely needed to be somewhat lower.. but at no point did anyone that I’ve spent years working with stop and give me time to recover. No one stopped and said, “Hey, why is this walking liability who doesn’t have the dexterity between her two hands to even tie her shoe or pick up her badge, excuse me, how is she out on the floor instead of fulfilling another role for the company because this is dangerous? Not just dangerous for her, but also dangerous to any child or passenger she comes into contact with and is expected to assist?”

Lol no one ever said anything like that. Not one Soul that I either worked for, under, or around. So, during a personal experience of not knowing if I’d ever regain feeling or mobility in my arms and hands and fingers- I was expected to maintain all of the responsibilities of my job. You guys! I’ve spent the past five years taking care of people of aren’t able to operate their bodies or minds in their fullest capacity without being assisted. . The nicest people were several.. none that I ever really spoke with prior to the accident.. the first was a girl who I actually prayed for as I was getting dressed for work. It was only really after several last minute attempts to force my fingers to suddenly regain dexterity.. instead, all I wound up doing, was hit myself in the face. Repeatedly lol with each try to pull my hair into a ponytail. Each time it happened that morning, it made me laugh at first, because how could I ever forget something so serious! & So quickly too! So, this happened and then it happened again and again- and each time it was funny for a second.. but then that very serious tone of things would come back.

-It was the first morning I’d be returning to work since my accident, when a tsa officer -

And the , at the end of August, I had an accident after dancing one night. I came home after work and was warming up my body from the restrictive positions that part of my work causes the body to be put into. (It’s esssentially like working out for an entire shift, which is absolutely terrible for your body and your muscles and the like hardly have any time to rebuild in a safe, healthy way. . Especially if you are required to work overtime literally every single day and have been for more than 3years at this point.) so yeah. I have watched others try to accept what their body is doing from the work they’ve been putting it through, and I’m not going to be one of those people. All year, prior to this accident at the end of August, I also suffered front what seems most like symptoms of MS. - which restricts your ability to move at all. Even when you want to or really need to because a floor supervisor is still yelling at you after you’ve already explained that you literally can’t move.. but then the HR rep only supports you in a room with your manager in it and at no point does she actually do anything humane to help you- like present you with FMLA paperwork.. but that’s the thing. No one wants to do their job all of the time. Or even some times.

I think I was put in the perfect position to bring things to the attention of others. So at least, in some version of reality, someone has all of the facts from every angle, every department- and as I know myself to be a very thoughtful person, I will take it and apply it in a way where I will still be thoughtful, but the direction of those thoughtful observations is going to deviate from its natural path. The natural path would have been, for me to continue to let observations of others inability to make basic competent decisions stay in the moment. Idk. I’m venting and sorting and determining. Exactly what I want to do with my time and where I’d like to spend it.. and with whom. I have one more email to send my new director and depending on her response, I will have to take everything I’ve already written up, and send it to her boss. The whole thing is very tricky for me. . Especially because her boss told me that he didn’t want certain employees to do other work for different departments- and I’ll never forget the look on his face when I immediately agreed with him and was very excited to hear more about what he said to me. Now, in the moment, we were the midst of negotiating a retroactive payment that the company owed me. Not only owed to me legally, but also would be pertinent to the email at hand present day- because, you see people- when you are patient with good intentions, but still very mindful of others in any given situation, you can play off of what you know .. and as well, what you have personally experienced.

So. If things aren’t negotiated to swing one way in my favor, I swear I will make them swing in another way. It’s the second option. It’s an olive branch, and I already see how things are probably going to go before I have be “all business.” No one I work with or have been working with has ever fully seen me, and they’ve definitely not seen me in my “All business no bullshit” energy.. but that version has always existed.

The thing about jobs, is that we have to reserve parts of our personality to some extent… but then sometimes we stay in that energy. I’m no longer in that energy. I know I’ve been around people who can register my intelligence without needing to see proof hanging around my neck that says, “manager” .

one thing about me that apparently surprises people is what their version of me looks like, compared to the experience of what my energy IS like. Energy can’t lie in person. It rearranges itself to form various pictures for all of the viewers, but it doesn’t lie. So whoever is at the base of the energetic exchange, those two individuals may be more inclined to feel what each others energy IS, rather than what it looks like.

so maybe after I finally send this email, I will not have to send another one… but come on guys, it’s me ✨ I’m never going to do what’s expected of me if there’s some kind of interference within a situation where justice was not offered or even considered. I’m very considerate, and at times my consideration is too thoughtful of others instead of towards myself. That’s why I am where I am now. If I had been considerate enough to point out flaws or basic issues with my bosses or people in positions of authority, I would have fostered immediate change. I’ve supported people in the complete absence of finding their support for me. It’s totally okay. I don’t care to get anyone in trouble- no matter how irresponsible their judgment calls were. That’s a main reason why I would be fine speaking to someone at even corporate, rather than scale the ladder of positions first, as they want employees to do. I considered that, but immediately noted that if I were to do that, I’d have to include how every department failed to communicate between each other. At the end of the day, it’s not up to one or two individuals to communicate. There are resources that could be used for better communication but in the absence of those resources, we just have our own emotions to control or steer the direction; outcome; and point of view of others who are brought Into the picture. On one hand I do not want anyone to get in trouble. But on the other hand, I know how egos are. No one wants to hear from The lowest tiered employee,. Especially how and what issues within multiple departments are observed by such an individual, and how easy it would be to restructure things if the right person was in charge of doing it. All it takes, is one person who is right for the job. Like, truly right- not just “write” on paper- not just right in person because they look mean or unfriendly. (Thus perhaps making them a better negotiator than someone with a more carefree looking temperament.) but idk how this is going to go. I always give people more of an allowance than they ever really need.

I have that quote that Sza says in my mind.. and it’s been so highly motivating to me.. and so often during this month of October too.

✨“Not in the dark anymore.. I might forgive it. I won’t forget it.”