#to be fair is saying that better than the fact my first response was im gonna pee myself like an excited dog?

[physicalhazards]

man i think he's angie (poseidon loves it tho <3)

oh he is PISSED!!!!!!!!!1 that is NOT a happy camper FREE HIM!!!! (actually he looks cuter this way maybe don't let him out...) ALSO SKY IM LITERALLY THIS LOOKS SO GOOD YOU ARE SO TALENTED IM JUST GONNA KISS YOU AND THEN JUMP YOU AND THEN GIVE YOU HE-- uhh i mean...

[nephalem-da]

was just stalking ur page and omg human bill and the whole monster trope u wrote?? pls consider p2 im so invested.. would love to see it!! <33

The Hunt

Part 2

(Human!Bill Cipher x GN!Reader)

Option 1 won ∑d(°∀°d)

Genre: Dark Romance, Thriller, Psychological Drama

Warnings: Obsession, Manipulation, Captivity, Emotional Distress, Non-consensual behavior, Power imbalance, Dark themes, Possessiveness

Summary: What was once a subtle connection between them has spiraled into a twisted game of control and survival.

The wind howled through the forest, the scent of salt from the distant ocean mixing with the earthy tones of the wild. Every rustle of the leaves and every snap of a twig felt like a reminder of the night you had been caught. Bill’s relentless pursuit of you had ended with your capture—an elegant and cruel trap woven by the man who was more cunning than any hunter you had ever encountered.

At first, you had expected cruelty. Bill was no stranger to games of control, his pursuit of you almost predatory, and his reputation painted him as nothing more than a monster draped in a human guise. Yet, after the initial chase, there had been something… different.

The first few days after your capture had been filled with tension, the cage separating you from Bill acting as a constant reminder of your situation. You had tried to resist him—pulling away from his attempts at conversation, glaring whenever he dared to flirt with you. But Bill didn’t seem to mind your resistance. In fact, he almost seemed to enjoy it.

"Come on, don’t be like that, sweetheart," he had teased, leaning against the bars of the cage that held you. "I caught you fair and square, didn’t I? The least you could do is talk to me."

You had refused, staring at him with silent defiance. But Bill never faltered. He kept talking, kept flirting, like this was all some game to him.

What you didn’t expect was how the silence started to wear on you. How, despite yourself, you found his words oddly comforting. It wasn’t love—at least not then—but there was a strange dynamic forming between you two. Something deeper than prey and predator.

It had been a few weeks since he caught you, and something had changed. The flirtatious comments from Bill had started feeling less like a taunt and more like genuine attention. His smiles weren’t just the sharp, amused ones you had seen in the beginning—there were softer moments, times when he looked at you as though you weren’t just a trophy, but something more.

You began speaking to him, at first short, clipped responses, but slowly more. You were cautious, keeping your walls up, but there was a strange pull you couldn’t deny. His eyes would light up when you spoke, his voice taking on a different tone whenever you gave in to the conversation. Bill Cipher, the ever-cocky hunter, seemed almost… vulnerable when you opened up.

And it was during one of these late-night conversations, the moonlight spilling through the trees, that he made his move.

“You know,” Bill said, leaning against the door of the cage with that familiar glint in his eyes, “I could let you out of there. Let you stretch your legs a bit.”

You raised an eyebrow, skeptical. “Out there, where you have all your lackeys watching?”

Bill smirked, unlocking the cage door with a flick of his wrist. “Nah, not out there. My place. Just us. What do you say?”

The hesitation lingered, but a part of you wanted the freedom—no matter how limited it was. Against your better judgment, you stepped out, and Bill led you through the dark forest to his mansion-like tent set up further into the woods. Despite the luxuries inside, the locked doors reminded you of your situation.

Bill gave you space but stayed close, watching you like a hawk. He acted casual, pretending it was nothing, but the way his gaze followed your every movement told a different story. It wasn’t just attraction anymore—it was something far more dangerous.

At first, things felt… manageable. You could almost believe that the mutual flirting, the teasing, was harmless. That maybe this strange connection between you two wasn’t so bad. Maybe Bill could be reasoned with, maybe he wasn’t as twisted as you first thought. But then the possessiveness started to seep in.

It began with small things. Bill getting frustrated when you didn’t answer his questions right away, his moods swinging violently whenever you showed any sign of rebellion. The way his eyes darkened when you spoke about your past, your freedom, your desire to return to the ocean.

“What’s the rush?” he’d ask, his tone playful but laced with something darker. “You’ve got everything you need here. I’m not so bad, am I?”

You’d laugh it off, trying to keep things light. But you could see the way his smile never quite reached his eyes anymore. The way his gaze lingered a little too long, the way his words became sharper whenever you mentioned leaving.

There was a night when you realized just how far things had spiraled. Bill had brought you back to his tent after another casual day of conversation, but the mood had shifted. His usually playful teasing had an edge to it, a possessive undercurrent that made your skin crawl. When you had tried to walk away, to find some space, his hand shot out, grabbing your wrist.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked, his voice low and dangerous.

You had frozen, eyes wide as you met his gaze. There was something unhinged in his expression, something that made your heart race in a way that had nothing to do with attraction.

“I-I just need some air,” you stammered, pulling your arm free.

Bill didn’t let go immediately, his grip tightening for just a moment before he released you. His smile returned, but it was strained, forced.

“Don’t go too far, sweetheart. Wouldn’t want you to get lost, would we?”

That was when you knew you had made a mistake. You had let your guard down, let him in too close, and now you were paying the price.

It happened quickly after that. One night, something snapped. Maybe it was the way you had distanced yourself, maybe it was the fact that you had finally tried to leave for real. Whatever it was, Bill had caught on, and his response had been immediate.

You had bolted from the mansion, running through the dark woods, your heart pounding in your chest. The ocean was close, so close you could almost taste the salt in the air. But Bill was faster, his footsteps pounding behind you, his voice cutting through the night like a blade.

“You can’t run from me!” he called, his voice wild with frustration and something far more dangerous. “You think you can just leave? After everything?”

You pushed yourself harder, your legs burning as you sprinted toward the cliffs. The sea roared beneath you, the waves crashing against the rocks far below. If you could just make it to the water, if you could just dive in, you’d be safe.

But Bill was relentless.

The wind whipped against your face, the ocean stretching out below, an endless expanse of freedom just out of reach. You stood frozen at the edge of the cliff, your heart pounding in your chest as the salty air filled your lungs. The drop was dizzying, but that didn’t scare you as much as the sound of Bill’s footsteps slowly approaching from behind.

He had never looked this dangerous. The playful teasing, the sly grins, the cocky demeanor—all of it was gone now, replaced by something far more menacing. His blue eyes gleamed in the moonlight, the tension in his expression sharp as a blade.

“There’s nowhere to run, sweetheart,” Bill called out softly, his voice almost gentle despite the manic undertone. “You’ve had your fun, but it’s over. You’re not getting away from me.”

Your legs trembled as you glanced down at the ocean again, the waves crashing against the rocks far below. One leap and you could be free. Free from Bill, free from his possessive gaze, free from this twisted game of cat and mouse. But would you survive the fall?

“Don’t do it,” Bill’s voice interrupted your thoughts, softer now, as if he could read your mind. “You won’t make it. You know that, right?”

You could feel his presence closing in, his footsteps slow but steady, as though he knew you were already cornered. Desperation clawed at your chest. Maybe if you could dive into the water, you could escape his grasp, but your selkie form felt so distant, so unreachable in your panic.

"Why...why are you doing this?" you whispered, your voice hoarse as you turned to face him, your back to the precipice. Bill’s expression softened for a moment—just for a moment—but the darkness in his gaze lingered.

"Why? Because I want you. Because I need you." His lips curled into a smirk, but it didn’t reach his eyes. "You were mine the moment I laid eyes on you."

Your breath hitched. This wasn’t the Bill you had seen glimpses of in those quiet moments. This wasn’t the man who had admired your voice, who had teased you with soft smiles and witty banter. This was someone else—someone dangerous.

"You don’t have to do this," you tried, your voice trembling. "You can let me go. You—"

Bill’s laughter cut you off, sharp and cold. "Let you go?" he echoed, stepping closer until he was only a few feet away. "Sweetheart, you don’t understand. I’m not letting you go. Not now. Not ever."

Before you could react, Bill lunged forward, his hand reaching out to grab your wrist with surprising force. You gasped, your body instinctively pulling back, but the cliff was right behind you. There was nowhere to go. His grip was like iron, and as you struggled, the realization hit you: he wasn’t playing anymore.

"Don’t fight it," Bill murmured, pulling you close, his breath hot against your skin. "You’ve already lost, and you know it."

Tears welled up in your eyes as you stared up at him, your heart pounding in your chest. The man who had once been your flirtatious captor now held you with a possessive intensity that sent chills down your spine. This wasn’t love. This was something far darker.

"Let me go," you whispered, barely audible.

Bill’s grip tightened, his eyes narrowing as he leaned in closer. "No," he whispered back, his voice cold. "You’re mine."

And then, without warning, he yanked you forward, pulling you away from the cliff’s edge and back into his arms. You stumbled, your body crashing into his chest, and before you could even register what had happened, Bill’s arms wrapped around you like a vice, holding you in place.

"See?" he murmured into your ear, his voice dripping with triumph. "Much better."

You struggled in his hold, your heart racing as panic set in. But Bill’s grip was unrelenting, his body pressed against yours as he held you close, his breath hot against your neck.

"You don’t need to run," he whispered, his tone softening slightly. "You’re safe with me. I’ll take care of you."

Safe? The word rang hollow in your ears. This wasn’t safety. This was control. You could feel it in the way his hands clung to you, the way his voice wavered between possessiveness and something darker. You had let your guard down, and now you were trapped.

"I... I trusted you," you whispered, your voice shaking with fear and anger.

Bill’s lips curled into a cruel smile. "And that’s where you made your mistake, darling."

The walk back to his camp felt like a blur. Bill never loosened his grip on you, his arm wrapped around your waist as he guided you through the forest. Every step felt like a chain tightening around your freedom, pulling you deeper into his world, into his grasp. You thought about escaping again, but Bill seemed to sense every thought before you acted on it. His possessive gaze never left you, even as he led you into the safety of his tent.

Once inside, he locked the door behind you with a simple flick of his fingers, sealing your fate. There was no way out now. You were his prisoner once more.

He led you to a chair and forced you to sit, his hands resting on your shoulders as he stood behind you, watching you with that same unsettling intensity. “Relax,” he cooed, his fingers brushing against your skin. “You’ll get used to it. You’ll see. You won’t need anything—or anyone—else.”

Your heart pounded in your chest as you stared at the locked door, the reality of your situation sinking in.

Bill wasn’t going to let you go.

And he had no intention of giving you back your freedom.

Ya guys want an alternative part 2? This time it's fluff and I already made a rough draft of it!!

[utilitycaster]

Your blog feels like somewhat of a safe haven because you seem like a very reasonable person, which is why I feel safe saying this here only. Some of the responses to L*udna calling Im*gen sister make me very uncomfortable. People literally saying that m*risha is wrong about her character or that it doesn't mean anything, or that laudna doesnt know how she feels. It reminds me of my least favorite aspect of the Fandom, where people will decide how they think the characters feel or think about something or how they would act in a given circumstance, and then in their minds it becomes Canon and they get frustrated when the actors (who in dnd are the storytellers) don't act upon their Canon. This is different than just being disappointed that a ship you like didn't become Cano, IMO. I really like Imogen but I LOVE laudna, and I feel like a lot of the times she is reduced to just be Imogen's other half, and now that people denying what marisha says her character thinks, saying she's wrong, being mad at the choice, it makes it hard to interact with the fandom on this site because I feel like I can't talk about Laudna or Imogen without it circling back to their relationship. My favorite pairings in C1 were Vex and Percy and Vex and Keyleth and I feel like I didn't have this problem as much with them but also I wasn't as deep on the internet or in fandom back then. :(

Hey anon,

Thank you so much for this - it’s really nice of you!

I don’t have a ton to add or say about this, honestly; the post I reblogged about it said it better than I could. This has always been what put me off the ship as it exists in the fandom: I’m not opposed to Imogen and Laudna becoming a couple, but the fanon is deeply boring while also being all consuming and crystalized before the end of the first episode. It’s frustrating, as someone who enjoys both Imogen and Laudna, to try to talk about them without getting obnoxious responses to anything that even hints there might be misunderstandings or conflict between them. It lessens their characters and the work both Marisha and Laura have put in. It makes it impossible to explore their flaws, and it makes everything about them uncompelling, when they are both very interesting characters. I’ve found Laudna especially to be coming into her own in this Team Issylra arc.

The fact is, Laudna said what she said. It doesn’t mean a romance is impossible, but I think it’s genuinely indicative of how Laudna feels at this time. Which to be honest matches how I’ve felt regarding Laudna’s feelings about Imogen from early on! I think Imogen is romantically interested in Laudna, but I think Laudna has always seen Imogen in a more familial way, and I don't know if it's fair to her to try to explain that as just Laudna's insecurities. I also think it's possible Imogen has exacerbated those insecurities - if I were Laudna, I’d be feeling a certain way about Imogen’s exploration of the validity of the Vanguard, and I might even still be feeling the unresolved pull of the gnarlrock fight.

I can’t speak to Campaign 1 ships specifically since I watched that campaign after it had already finished, but at the very least Imodna has felt notably different to me in that usually people talk about at least one of the parties of a popular ship as an individual, even if they reduce the other to nothing. Here it feels like they both get folded into ship fodder. I’ve also seen a really strong trend of people tagging fanart of one of the characters alone, without the other, with the ship name, and that feels new compared to past campaigns and popular ships though the obvious cynical answer is just that the ship is more popular than the characters on their own and so artists are just trying to get eyes on their work in the most effective way. And as I’ve said a few times, the fact that Laudna’s death was more than once referred to as throwing the ship away has stuck with me as an illustrative moment. I think the fandom response to this ship is different than some past ones, and not in a good way.

With that said, I am trying, despite myself, to practice good faith here. I’ll admit that I’ve had enough bad faith interactions with fans of the ship such that it’s no longer an option when I get reblogs on my posts or anons in my inbox. But in terms of what might transpire in the hypothetical situation where Imogen and Laudna end the campaign without becoming romantically involved, I would like to give those who ship it the chance to respond with grace rather than assuming they will not.

[cleromancy]

still thinking about mia!

in particular i found the deliberate and thoughtful way ga01 approached the concept of a plucky teen sidekick refreshing... because sidekicks are a staple of the genre, right, and moreover most of us *like* them, so how do we justify the "good guys" *having* them when we're also writing stuff with way more realism than the old stuff?

and to be honest i don't really need that when im reading, i can suspend my disbelief. but you have to commit to the bit when you're the one writing it, you have to believe it. and a lonely place of dying... it did ok for what it was and im extremely fond of it, but i also think it was already walking away from like... the fact that batman got robin killed, yk. it was walking away from what that meant. and like i said thats fine. if they never brought robin back i never would have gotten into comics in the first place, yknow?

but i think the exploration of some of the thorny concepts around mia sidekicking in ga is great because like. this is *emphatically* not an omelas situation. green arrow definitively does not "need" a speedy and it is also emphatically not speedys job to provide a counterbalance or whatever.

ok this got long. putting in a cut here

and both dinah and roy absolutely tear into ollie about his decision to let mia sidekick with him--and i feel like ive read a fair few kid/teen sidekick stories which have the kid wind up in danger (or whatever) regardless of the adult trying to discourage them, and the adult at that point figures if theyre going to sneak out/disobey/whathaveyou its better to do it where the adult can keep an eye on them. and there are times when this is presented like the adult literally cannot convince the child not to do those things, which. yknow. we understand how fiction works so we also know if the writer says the kiddo wont listen to any reason, that the adult just doesn't have the power over them to stop them, then thats what happened... but the implications about the power dynamic and the adults ability to set reasonable boundaries dont paint a *great* picture.

but GA doesn't do that... i would argue mia was being set up to be the 2nd speedy all the way back to dinah and roys conversation in that plane where they just learned ollie might be alive and cant stop bitching about him lol. and iirc this is within the first 6 issues. and dinah and roy are both throwing around unfair accusations at the time, but roy says smth to the effect of what do you want to bet he's already training her to replace me. and i don't think he really believed that but it obviously planted the idea in readers heads if it wasnt there already! but yknow after that, mia doesn't debut as speedy until ga 46, or thereabouts im not looking it up, several years later both IRL and in-universe (or well in-universe its almost 2 years. iirc.).

(i can't even imagine how it must have felt if youd been following that series the whole time *finally* seeing that enter speedy cover. id have been screaming my damn head off.)

anyway. i already talked about comparing and contrasting the man mia killed during her test run vs the jason and felipe situation but i also wanted to say that i think it was great that the whole conversation pretty much *opens* with that. like forget physical danger the kid might be in--what about the psychological toll? what about the choices hes putting her in the position to make?

despite ollie very much being the protagonist of the series and mia very much being a supporting character, the focus of the emotional impact is on her, and the focus of the *responsibility* is on him. (now compare and contrast batman with robin...... listen, i absolutely do not believe it wasn't set up as a deliberate contrast, ok.)

and you would naturally think that would mean she doesn't... get to be speedy. she doesn't get to be a hero. she doesn't get another chance. but then she gets her HIV+ diagnosis, and the focus for mias character turns specifically to *living* with HIV.

and i think that's what makes it clear, to me at least, that the whole... fighting crime thing is supposed to be a metaphor. at least on some level. its a power fantasy, its a metaphor, its about the *good guys winning.* heroes being heroes. and i think a lot of the discussions around representation have gotten so overblown for what they are, but--unironically--sometimes its really meaningful and important just to see yourself. and to believe that no matter what youve lived through, you can be good, you can be wanted, you can make a difference.

which is why mia gives her presentation in the auditorium about her diagnosis, and i feel like this was also a deliberate callback to roy "only you can prevent forest fires" harper and his anti-drug PSA. because roy decided, after snowbirds, he was going to go public about his addiction because he wanted to help other people going through the same thing he did, or prevent other people from going through it yk. and there are two incidents i can think of where, years down the line, he feels some regret over it because now hes just known as the heroin guy, the guy who used to do drugs. but i also don't think he would ever have chosen to do anything else. both speedys are actively choosing to bear that stigma openly in the hopes of reducing it, you know?

speaking of which! i thought it was a *fantastic* - and no doubt deliberate - contrast to how roys drug use was treated, to have mia only talk about it *once* (this is in the HIV+ issue. 45ish?) that she regularly did meth when she was on the streets, and its explicitly clear she did it to survive. and it never comes up again. there's no condemnation, there's no literal war on drugs propaganda here. (the first roy comic i ever read was the mini ntt one in the mandatory fucking D.A.R.E program in middle school, btw.) it was a fact of her life because her life was *fucking dangerous,* and meth helped keep her alive until she managed to find her way out of it!

so this is another concept mia becoming speedy explores--the fact that the people who should have kept her safe as a child did the opposite. mia has never been safe her entire life until moving in with ollie. and the people who hurt her left permanent damage in a physical way in the form of HIV. so now ga is exploring like... what it means to be safe. what it means to be mortal. what exactly is a childhood. and it doesn't dig *too* too deeply into these because its not that kind of comic book, its the kind of comic book where the good guys shoot glue arrows at bad guys and stick them to the floor. but it approaches it and sits you down with those questions and i mean, for me at least, even putting aside exactly how hype i was for mia to take on the mantle, it felt *right* that ollie would say yes.

and the next issue i think or the one after that (its the teen titans one! tim is there later). is the one where roy reams ollie out for this, they talk about it, roy lampshades the different... contexts of having a speedy. like its not like how it used to be. the bad guys are worse, its not safe enough for a kid anymore. and this is where ollie relays mias diagnosis (<- she had already decided to go public about it as i said before, so ollies not sharing information that isnt his to share here). and roys like that could have been me. its a good issue! i like what it does with what its doing.

and then some 20 issues later, once mia is reasonably well established as a superhero and a titan....... Enter Jason.

(🥰)

i have so much to say about this arc i love it so much. let me preface by saying none of this is a condemnation of jason, hes pretty much my favorite fictional character of all time. im not interested in wagging my finger at the guy styling himself as a supervillain at the time and going Naughty Jason! Thats Not How We Make Friends!, yk. im also not endorsing it, bla bla bla, whatever, this really aint about him right now. right now we're just talking about what he does for the story, the questions he poses about mia and sidekicks and shit.

god, where to fucking start.

i guess ill start with jasons "were not so different you and i" villain speech. and yknow at least on the surface level theres like. a certain join-me-be-my-robin element to it or like he's encouraging her to cross the line or whatever. but honestly, jason was less there because jason todd the fictional character wanted to be there, and more because winick as the writer thought it continued to explore the concept in an interesting way.

because we've talked about green arrows responsibility vis a vis letting her be a sidekick bc of the psychological impact of it, about the choices she's put in a position to make, about HIV and what it means to be a hero and safety. all of those things. and jason shows up to *demonstrate* that--

--it really is not fucking safe to do what they do.

and Jason is, i think, at his most terrifying here, and thats on purpose. it is *visceral*. it is so, so incredibly well done. and it throws ALL those questions of safety and responsibility and mortality and heroism and do-gooding into a new light because you really feel like, oh my god, her life is in danger.

tbh i think some of the reader anger at jason for this arc--and titans tower, just to a lesser degree because it wasnt NEARLY as good lol--is the fact that he *is* challenging us, the readers, to think about our beloved kid/teen sidekick trope. he brings back the element of realism that GA was drawing away from somewhat, the element of *real consequences.* and as a reader it is so much easier to just be mad at jason because well hes the villain of the story...... and ignore the fact that hes demonstrating--both by being the dead robin cautionary tale, and by being ~red hood, the scourge of the underworld~ lol--that if this is not something she's prepared to face, a possibility she's prepared for, then she shouldn't be wearing that uniform.

and that the person she relies on to protect her can't always be there to do it.

and, mini tangent, there's absolutely no way jason was trying to kill her here. he terrified her, he kicked her ass, but he didn't do any permanent damage and he didnt "lock her in" (<- real reading i saw once 🙄 try reading it again with your eyes next time genius) he stabbed his knife into her cape. if jason were being written by anyone else i would entertain the idea but it was winick, who knows exactly how smart and thorough jason is supposed to be *because he was the one who made him that way.* there's no doubt in my mind that jason was perched somewhere watcging to make sure she got out before the place went kablooey but you know what, in fairness, thats not on the page. BUT, like. the reason mia *thinks* jason was going to kill her--before she realizes he could have if hed wanted to, and purposely let her go--was because he wanted her to think that. he wanted to scare her and he wanted to warn her and he wanted to make her think.

really really love this arc.

anyway. i mentioned in my other post that winick tweaked mias backstory so she was also homeless like jason, which i sort of have mixed feelings about. in smiths version, her dad trafficks her and later she winds up as one of the "girlfriends" (euphemism for victims) of his associates. and that was ... not really the picture of child trafficking you usually see in comics, the more common real-life scenario rather than the sensationalized version of quote-unquote child prostitutes on street corners. but at the same time i think winick kept the most important part (the familial trafficking) and i also think he changed it in order to explore all the aforementioned topics in an interesting way. it doesn't feel like it was just an arbitrary change, or to make it more exciting or whatever. like he was exploring stuff with it, it was purposeful.

for example--going back to mia and meth. the more you read of winick the more you notice that intravenous drugs and illnesses associated with them (so including but not limited to HIV/AIDS) are something of a... recurring... motif, i guess? they're something he regularly comes back to explore. and thats interesting in the context of mia for a lot of reasons but well. when mia defensively says to ollie that she used meth, the reason she gives is they used it to stay awake on the streets. and i do think winick deliberately--and *effectively*--explored the pre-existing (and historical) parallels btwn batman and green arrow in a bunch of other ways, so i don't think im off base in saying the fact that *robin* 2.0 famously lived on the streets *probably* had something to do with the backstory tweak for speedy 2.0, particularly again bc of jasons "we're the same" villain speech. but also, like i said, she mostly used to stay awake(/alive), which is something of a harder sell if she hadn't been homeless, and also like i said, winick likes exploring drugs and wanted to write a hero living with HIV.

before i get into the comparisons with jason and mia, i also want to say that i think jason--who im constantly affectionately calling a revenant--is such an effective contrast for mia because the emphasis for mia! was always on living. it was always on healing. despite having a *distinctly* non-everykid origin story, mia absolutely embodies something i think was very characteristic of her generation of teen titans, or at the very least early days cassie and tim, which was this simultaneous like... they're normal kids, they're *relatable,* but they're also superheroic in determination, and resourcefulness, and they want this, and they know they can do it, so they will. and thats what its all about, man.

...actually i just ran out of steam, ill write out some thoughts on jason telling mia theyre the same later lol sorry. im toired!!!!

anyway mia is soooo good.

[meadowmousey]

hi im gonna vent about my non existent sex life to my 3 followers now.

I’m in a ltr with an older man (i know) and it’s pretty cool for the most part except for the fact that i never get fucked lmao. it was pretty frequent and fun for the first like 8 months and now I’m lucky to get any like once a month. We got sick in winter 2022/2023, he had a terrible reaction psychologically. At first I understood bc like. We were REALLY sick. And then we got better. And I would try to initiate something and he would just give me the “maybe later” or “another day” stuff, and I wouldn’t ask again for like a week or so. And then I started doing a little amateur adult content as a side hustle, and he would take the pictures and stuff for me. So I would try to get a lil spicy. And he would turn me down. And I don’t know how to describe how absolutely shit it feels to have someone taking lewd pictures of you and them be completely turned off. Ouch. I started doing the pictures/videos alone and I would send him the best ones. He’d sometimes save them but usually I would get some half assed response. So I just stopped bc it made me feel gross. I’m like terminally horny as a person. I could fuck like 3x a day and still go again. I haven’t been able to get a “round two” since like August of 2022. He also presented himself when we first getting to know each other as super kinky and experimental. And he was at first. But it’s so vanilla since we got sick. Like, two positions and barely any variety. We bought some toys and rope and stuff. One of them we haven’t even used. Well, I have but it was alone. He told me, when I was first starting to really have my feelings hurt about his lack of sexual interest, that he has a hard time seeing me as both his life partner and as someone he can do kink with. And that really hurt. Like really bad. Like sure, the ppl he dated before he didn’t love (or the 1 night stands) the way he loves me. So how does it make sense that he gave them all the vulnerability and trust that kink involves but I can’t have that?? And then he says that we’re different, we’re better than most people because we don’t need to have a relationship based off sex. Homeboy if we did, the relationship would have withered and died ages ago. I’m a human being in my 20’s, I’m fucking horny!! I don’t understand why he thinks that it’s fair for him to have gotten to hook up and do all the fun stuff with other people, and now it’s just over for him forever. What about me? What about what I need? Like, I already feel like the once a month boring ass 30 minutes I get is a chore for him. I don’t want him to do anything he doesn’t feel comfortable with. It’s just really hurtful and unfair. I know he doesn’t wanna do an open relationship and I don’t either, but at this point I am so sexually frustrated. I feel embarrassed for wanting sex. I feel like he sees me as some kind of pure and untouchable thing, which makes no sense. I’ve always been up front about being really sexual, and kinky , and open, and unconventional. It’s like he refuses to see a whole entire side of me, except very superficially when we do get sexual. And even then I can tell he’s not really that enthusiastic, it seems like he’s on a mission to make both of us cum as quickly as possible. It’s not even fun anymore and I just feel so self conscious and shitty. It really fucking sucks not even being 25 with a dead bedroom. I’ve been trying to curb my sexual appetite as much as I can but at this point I’m gonna start chewing my fucking fingers off. The worst part is I know I’m not ugly. I know if most people had the chance they would happily get into bed with me. So why is it that the person who DOES get to, doesn’t even want it anymore?? I know he could have his pick of anybody as well. We were so compatible and so much happier when we were having sex more. Now I’m so full of resentment that I have a hard time connecting with him at all. I hate that I feel like this but I’m having to squash such big feelings 24/7. Ugh. Anyway.

[sleeplesssmoll]

Hi there, I’m glad to come back to your inbox to say some couple of facts about Mimemi, the goofiest mime that the suitcase family have ever meet… <3

- Her height is 198cm, making her the tallest female character out there…

- Drawing is one of her hobbies other than being a mime (yep, she counts her job as a hobby… ask her why and she will just answered: “doing hobbies makes me happy and being a mime is one of it, too!”)

- She’s that one girl who likes to make sweets in the middle of 3 am and then, give it to someone as a sign of her appreciation for being friends with her (Pavia better prepare himself for about 101 containers of gelato in his front door if that ever happened /hj)

- Don’t get a dog as a gift for her, she will literally just explodes and absolutely dies from the cuteness of the dog itself (in short, she’s a dog lover and will absolutely die for them)

- She have multiple extra voice lines which can be triggered if someone gets damaged, this shows the fact that she cared her friends (aka the party members of your team) very much to the point that she will kill anyone if the enemies ever hurted them.

Mimemi’s multiple responses to the enemy hurting her friends (aka the members of your team):

“HEY! IF YOU EVER HURT THEM, IM GONNA MAKE SURE YOU NEVER, EVER SEEN THE LIGHT, AGAIN!”

“Oh, a bite of a dog like yours…? TO MY FRIENDS?! NO WAY! BITE ME FIRST IF YOU WILLING TO DO SO!”

“I’m not gonna let this slide, EVEN IF IT COSTS A SACRIFICE!”

“HANG IN THERE, MY FRIEND! WE’RE GONNA MAKE THIS WITH EASE!”

“Va te faire foutre (Go fuck yourself)!”

“Fils de pute (Son of a bitch or son of a whore)!”

“Putain de bordel de merde!” (Fun fact: this sentence is used by French people when they’re very mad, according to this website)

I can imagine her just bothering Pavia to pet his doggos! Also she is TALL! She is towering over the cast lol 😂

[sincerely-sofie]

hello! i apologize for adding to the list of religion related asks in your inbox and, as this is another form of criticism you can ignore it, im mostly an enjoyer of your work and ive merely found a discrepancy.

i just think its important to point out that the people you end up surrounding yourself with and the people that a community deems to be one of their own, IF this is your experience which i am not Assuming but rather Pointing To as a debate starter of sorts, is not in fact the group at large.

its factual that many, Many people have been abused by the church, inside and ouside of it, by many people and in many ways, and the number of people harassed by christians, especially ones in positions of power in churches but also the commonfolk, is incredibly high. much higher than it would be if it were just a vocal minority, because then its doubtful that it would be so widespread, but especially that it would be so Personal, crimes done to people by people in particular they thought they could trust.

i am not telling you to disbelieve yourself or that there are hidden horrors in your community, but trying to bring a possible unawareness to light. if this is unwarranted or undesired and you dont wish to make any public response you can delete this ask, absolutely 0 hard feelings i wont say anything else.

love your work, have a nice day, bring more joy into the universe as you try to

Hey, thanks for this ask! Discrepancies and blind spots are a difficult thing for people to rid themselves of alone, so your reaching out to help with something you were worried about is appreciated. This is all a fair bit stressful and new for me— I've never really talked about my faith before now— but once again, I figured a public response is better than the alternative. Thanks for saying you enjoy my work. I appreciate your well wishes. And your English is absolutely wonderful, don't worry about it!

For context, I've previously said that the vast majority of Christians are loving people and that there's an unfortunate vocal minority of cruel individuals. First off: people absolutely have suffered abuse at the hands of Christians, especially Christians in positions of authority, and their suffering should never be diminished or dismissed. My church takes a pretty intense stance on abuse— anyone who misuses their influence over someone is going to answer to God for it, church leaders are to report any abuse they learn of to the proper authorities and help protect against future abuse, and the general membership are expected to do everything we can to prevent abuse and to defend and help the victims. 

I'm of the opinion that Christianity (or at least my specific denomination— I'm not educated enough to speak with authority on the state of each individual branch of Christianity, and I think that some churches are, to put it lightly, more prone to hateful behavior than others) is largely populated by kind and loving people. Again, that isn't to diminish the experiences of those who have suffered abuse— they've gone through horrible things that truly happened and shouldn't be brushed aside. My belief in abuse being done by a minority is mainly rooted in the vastness of the Christian population and my belief that people have an inherent goodness rooted in them. 

Pulling from some statistics I found on Google (which may be inaccurate, so don't quote me on this!), there are about 2.3 billion Christians out of the 8 billion people in the world. For a majority of Christians to be cruel and abusive, I would need to believe (forgive my bad math here, I'm not the best with this stuff) that at least 1 person out of every 8 people I meet is cruel and abusive. I don't think that's how the world works, and haven't seen any research to change my mind, so I don't believe that. 

What I do believe is that people who want to hurt people will find ways to hurt people, especially when they can find ways to excuse their injustice with religion, being a senior member of a family, or similar garbage— and that with such a great population of the world being Christian, you'll hear a lot of instances of abuse being done by Christians. Like I said previously— certain denominations are prone to abusive behavior. This is absolutely undeniable. But my lived experience as well as personal research has indicated to me that they and the individual bad actors don't make up the majority of Christians, even if they make the most appearances on the news. 

Thanks again for the ask and your concern. This is my personal understanding of things, and if you disagree, you're fully in your rights to! I've definitely skimmed over things here— no person is 100% good or 100% evil, and my efforts to be brief definitely haven't helped the subtlety that needs to go into discussions of morality in groups. But I wanted to explain my perspective. It really comes down to the math of things for me. I don't think that even 1 in 10 people is remotely unkind, let alone over 1 in 8 being willing to abuse others. I hope that I've made myself clear in a polite way— it's hard to have these kinds of discussions in writing! I've tried my best though, and I hope it comes across in this.

[miiilowo]

What do you think William and Michael’s relationship was like before Evan died?

I always thought of them having a good relationship before that, and William feeling betrayed by Michael “murdering” Evan.

im gonna put these into one since theyre related :3

I am a firm believer in the fact william ADORED his kids. it seems like a fair leap to make that he'd hate them since hes, you know, a child murderer, but there is soooooooooooo much evidence to contradict it and its genuinely one of my favorite things about him. as such, i do think that, when it comes to michael specifically, he used to love him too! most of this is headcanon, though i do have reasons for some of it, and especially the belief he loved them.

Regarding michael though, at MOST, it would've been being just...Kind of irritated with him. If you've got a kid whos kind of an annoying prick and an asshole, youre not gonna like them 100% of the time, but that doesnt mean youre going to hate them, either. It's also important to note that Mike is the oldest; He's been around the longest. He was Williams first kid.

I havent thought too much about their relationship before evan and elizabeth came along, but i certainly don't think it would be bad in any way. William likes kids! He likes entertaining kids! He likes to entertain, in general; Hes a very theatric individual. It's what he centered his entire life around for a long time, and it's not a stretch to say he would be delighted to have a kid of his own, you know? Before the whole bite of 83 incident, he was coasting. He was not the man we know him to be now.

As time goes on, though, I think it would be a sort of situation where Michael "resents" William for kind of being...Absent. For not paying as much attention to him as he used to. He's very, VERY obsessed with his work, and taking into account how mike is your standard asshole teenager, i dont think its a stretch to believe he'd hate how he's never around and use that against him in his head; Not only that, but he has two younger siblings, who are probably getting a lot more attention because they require it. Thats angst fuel, baby!!!!!!!!! God knows SOMETHING was wrong with that boy and its not the same shit thats wrong with william

Post evan-crunching, I do think he would resent michael. I dont think he would LIKE that he resents him, but i think he would nonetheless. It would be...Very complicated. He'd know its not his fault, but its definitely his fault, right? It wasn't on purpose, but he did do it on purpose, you know? He did it, but he didn't mean to. But he did. Its kind of hard to forgive someone for something like that.

Though, I know Williams character, and i know he...Doesn't like to admit to his faults. (And even if he does admit to them, he tends to embrace them and see them as a good thing.) Due to this, I can see him deflecting any and all blame onto michael & henry (because he was the better engineer at this time and mostly responsible for the animatronics), rather than the fact he wasnt there to prevent it from happening like he probably should have been + allowed michael to continue bullying evan in general.

Instead of being consumed by the thought that, perhaps, if he had stepped in sooner, this wouldn't have happened, he WOULD press that blame onto mike. he would grow to resent him over time. It doesn't help that, in my personal interpretation of him, the whole reason william started his whole child murder escapade was because he wanted to figure out how to bring evan back; he just kind of lost the thread along the way. always been a bit silly, regardless.

While its obvious that william fucking hates mike later on in the timeline, i think that may be partially because the whole 'wholly blaming michael for evans death' thing could easily turn into 'wholly blaming michael for everything that went wrong'. if we do choose to believe that he started killing in an effort to figure out how to bring his son back, that means michael wouldve been the first domino. the reason he started killing, the reason he built the funtimes, the reason elizabeth died (whom he also loved very much; see circus baby), the reason henry no longer wanted to associate with him, the reason he lost everything. his lifes work. his passions. his entire family. the reason he died. the reason hes stuck inside springtrap. the reason hes eternally suffering. if it werent for michael killing evan, none of this wouldve happened.

its not michaels fault that william ruined his own life, and i think, deep down, thats something he knows, but its not something he wants to acknowledge. not after believing it for so long.

anyway before he died i think they had family game nights

[signedeclipse]

💝what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?🕯️was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?💥find your least kudos'd fic - say something wonderful about it. Have a lovely one~! :))))

💝 - What is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

Ahah i'm laughing thinking about this one! This is very specific but I did a gyutaro x reader headcanon where she was pregnant and the kamaboko squad thinks she is in danger, so I said that Tanjiro shouts the following:

" Its just downright cruel to go after a defenseless girl, let alone a pregnant one! " Tanjiro screamed at the demon.

Someone commented remarking that Tanjiro seemed sexist for doing that which makes me giggle! I was actually partially quoting him from the series, but I also was trying to call the reader defenseless for being pregnant and human and not just because she was a woman. I also felt like she was hopeless next to an upper moon, so she would be pretty weak to stop him if he WAS going for her!

No hard feelings to that user, it was just funny!

🕯️ - Fas there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?

The hardest to write was Daifuku Flavoured Kisses which was an Enmu X Reader oneshot! The request was very specific and I was having a hard time because I like to keep characters as in character as possible but the req was very ooc so I just did my best! It was an emergency request, so I just wanted the requester to feel better, OOC or not was out the window!

Fun fact, but I actually got Daifuku in a japanese snack box only a week later, and I loved them! Mind you mine were freeze dried, but typical daifuku uses fresh drawberry.

💥 - Find your least kudos'd fic & say something wonderful about it

For fairness sake im looking at ones over a week old! It seem to be a Enmu X reader oneshot called Worthy! It was one of my first oneshots on this acc, and one of the longest ive written to date! It was nostalgic looking at it, because Rainbow anon used to be on my acc all the time and sadly I never saw them again,,,

I was actually very proud of this work, I just dont think I had the platform to support it being up yet! My favourite part is when he continues taking pictures of the reader, but writing wise I pu so much time looking into the train the anon suggested and it was so fun to write, its also probably one of my most romantic nsfw pieces.

[reineyday]

Not to mention, Billy has actively done more for Max than Steve ever has. Realistically, Steve hasn't done anything except disrupt a fight with Billy 9which Max had to finish) and kind of bumble around in her proximity without having much direct influence on her or what happens to her. Not in the way the likes of El, Lucas and even Dustin have.

Billy spent years bearing the brunt of Neil's wrath for her. Years taking the punishments for her actions, especially actions she knew would get Billy in trouble. Billy spent years ferrying her around like a cab service with nothing in return. Billy suffered his possession alone even though he had to have an inkling Max was involved in something weird. Billy only begged her for help when he was literally being cooked alive in a sauna.

Billy died for her. Died saving her and her friends when none of them did anything remotely close like that for him, even when they were basically confirming he was possessed. Nobody tried to save him then. They were only concerned with stopping him.

sorry anon im replying late lol. i believe this is a message in response to this post about people calling steve the brother max deserves.

UH i mean, i wouldnt understate what steve's done for her emotionally. like yeah she had to finish a fight steve technically started (which is a hilarious way to put it btw and totally true besides) but i think he was an "adult" figure that made her feel safe on a night that was scary af, and billy, for whatever reason, was definitely terrorizing her and her friends and making her feel unsafe at the start of s2.

as a kid who's just moved to a new town and found out monsters exist and almost got eaten by one in the bus before steve stepped in, he's definitely an important older brother figure for her. my argument is mostly that calling steve the brother max deserves is snubbing billy in a way i cant imagine anyone with siblings would ever do or say.

like yeah steve and max went through Some Stuff, but max and billy have also lived in the same house with neil and theyve seen each other at home, by virtue of the fact that theyre a family unit. they know stuff about each other, where they came from and who their parents are, that other people dont know and wont ever know in the same way because the knowledge they have is first-hand. their sibling relationship matters, even if it's clearly in a bad place in s2, and as someone with siblings, i could never imagine saying that someone else would be the sibling i deserved and disregarding the ones i have, even if they treat me badly. there's always going to be unspoken solidarity there.

i think that solidarity and the fact that billy and max were clearly on better terms at the start of s3 are why she tried so hard to save him, and grieved him so much that vecna targeted her. and yeah i do agree that no one tried to save him the way they tried to save will, which isnt fair to either billy or max.

(re: your other points, it's never confirmed in the show's canon how long they were siblings and exactly how much responsibility billy had over max, so as much as i hc those things and enjoy exploring them in fic, i try to keep it to canon to be as accurate as possible in the case of antis lol. all of that is just implied, and unfortunately implications arent enough proof for people approaching billy from a bad faith angle. alas.)

[justanotherhkfan]

ok im super curious because i saw you post this earlier, but what's all the stuff about you dressing up and being a girl? (also you are free to make this as long as you want if it helps you distract you from your trip ^^)

oh boy. this is gonna be a long response so bear with me guys! :) i am also still very shakey so i might not make much sense but i will do my best to explain it

ok wait this is gonna sound really weird. so in fourth grade i... had to fake my death? listen it sounds worse than it actually was (but to be fair my mom was really upset when it happened and i felt really bad) but i essentially had to fake being a girl to get a cootie catcher from this group of girls. it was really dumb and i didn't really wanna go along with it at first but yknow. what happened happened

so i got to the sleepover and the girls were doing light as a feather stiff as a board and i freaked the heck out because i didn't really understand how it worked (look i was a really stupid kid ok?) and then the girls just started insulting me. like - not even related to me freaking out. i think what hurt more wasn't really them calling me flat (which i mean ok who cares i'm a guy so it's not that bad) and saying my hair was stupid (which was just flat out untrue my hair was beautiful) but it was more when they insulted my personality

it just felt so. idk. hateful? they said that i was going to live alone my entire life and that i was a nerdy dorky geek and i feel like that lived with me past just being a girl. i hid in the bathrooms for a while and i just thought about it because it was so... true? like, the only kid who ever wanted to be my friend constantly involved me in shit like dressing up as a girl for something as stupid as a cootie catcher and everyone else just never really cared about me much. like that time a kid lodged a ninja star in my eye and made me dress up as a dog for... god knows what reason. (why am i always stuck dressing up as something??? whatever)

anyway thats besides the point. basically what happened after is the girls told me they would give me a makeover and kinda apologised without apologising for calling me ugly and flat. and like. after that i just felt... so much better about myself? like i didnt even care about the fact that the girls were being horrible to me before, i looked really pretty and i had a nice dress on and my hair was styled nicely. it just felt good, to be part of something for once and to actually feel really confident

i guess it all sounds stupid when i say it out loud. but i just thought it was nice at the time to be part of something. maybe i wanna be a girl maybe i just wanna be part of a group again but all i know is that getting dressed up and dancing with the girls that night was probably the most fun i've had in ages

[dahliasanddimples]

DAY FUCKING 30 THIRTY!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH omg

I’m more excited about making it to day 30 than actual day 30.

Feels the same as day 23ish-29 but whatever lol I made it. Weird how fast I got over you. and I say it all the time but it’s really bc you played me so bad the first time during Valentine’s Day. Like nothing can hurt as much as that. Being left to my own thoughts after reaching out to you all week actually seriously concerned bc what other acceptable reason was there for you to ignore me all week especially during Valentine’s Day?? Like BE FUCKING FORREAL. I think about all the times I was there for you and damn I was really down for you. I WAS YOUR BOTTOM BITCH I FUCKING RODE FOR YOU. I was actually super concerned about you and then we tried it again, coincidentally, for 30 days and then boom. We weren’t together anymore, officially. The toxic part of me wants to ask if we’re done breaking up lol if heart break was a thing it would be that. Like I actually cried bc of how drunk I was. I cried so fucking much like I would just go about my day and start crying. It’s the fact that I reached out to you and I didn’t get any response back. Like are we done? Are we not done. Like I’ve never been so heart broken that I actually cried bc I was so drunk!! I know there are good men out there

Side note: men who don’t know how to flirt literally flirt like kids in elementary school. And it’s cute when they’re not ugly but its harassment when they’re ugly lmfaaoooo

Good men but I’m out of they’re league. Good men only bc im out of they’re league. Good men. Great men. Men who want the same life as me. And the same future.

Day 30 and I think I’m at a point where I’m not mad at you, I miss you but I don’t think I want you. I almost pity you. Like I actually feel bad for you? That you’re a total loser? Like it’s so unlike me to not text my ex but here I am. And it’s not something in me telling me not to text you. It’s not a feeling but something just tells me not to text you. I mean okay I do think about texting you sometimes. And you do pop up in my dreams sometimes.

Side note: I just think about who I am as a person and where I grew up and I think about the people I grew up with and can’t believe I actually made it to where I am today. Like my peers, idk. But I can say we really did all start from the same beginning and I had the same hardships as them and my mom raised three fucking kids by herself and we’re all doing pretty fucking good. Well at least I am. Like wait. I’m almost supernatural 😨😨😨😨 and I don’t mean to brag but HOLY GWAC A FUCKING MOLIE MOLE I can’t. Like I know I’m above average looking, that’s facts. Like facts on facts. But it’s beyond that. Like I grew up ugly actually lol so I have a personality. Like I’m actually super fucking witty. And funny. And entertaining. And I’m a hot fucking bitch. But I’m humble about all this. ON TOP OF I HAVE FUCKING RARE DIMPLES AND AN AMAAAAAAAZING SMILE. And beautiful legs. And a cute and perky little butt. If I was given boobs it would actually bc game over. Like not fair to the world lol. I’m driven. I’m motivated. I’m lazy sometimes and I’m a procrastinator (when it comes to work) but you know I’m actually not a bad catch. I know how to cook and I love to cook. I love being organized and clean and I’m very innovative.

Your qualities are… well social media flaunt. Maybe when we had to end for the betterment of both of us. Maybe now you’re thinking, what can I offer the next girl. Bc if you think about what you can offer, ehh, it’s not much. Maybe you’re used to girls, emphasis on girls and not women, throwing themselves at you. And that’s cool but like what do you actually have to offer? Like yeah boy I seeeeeeenT that hairlike receding 👀 did your forehead get bigger? Gotta be both. Aweee it’s actually kinda sad and I do feel bad for you but you have the power to change your life. You have the power to want to better your life! Yes I do feel bad but I don’t bc I don’t understand how someone struggling with money can spend so much on drugs, call off so much from the two days that they do work, and not get a real job. I pity you. And I think it starts with your hair line. I’ve seen old pics of you and damn you had nice ass hair. I caught like the end piece of you. Caught you after your super long relationship. Caught you off guard a little probably. I re downloaded my trap phone and I saw our old messages. For a second, and nothing more, I think I was sad and I missed you. I think you were still working in finance.

Our feelings for each other were ok different schedules. I liked you so much early on and with all the let downs from you I guarded myself and when you liked me so much I was still guarded.

Feelings are such a blur sometimes. It’s like, I can’t e en fathom how sad I felt after that Valentine’s Day incident. To make it worse, you didn’t even make it up to me? At this point I’m actually sad for myself. I PITY myself. I’m so sad for me and what I let slide. You didn’t even make it up to me? Valentine’s Day. It’s always, I’m going to. I was going to. And always ends there but actually never did. Did not even make it up to me. I can’t believe I let that slide. Did not even make it up to me. Sometimes I feel bad but financial burdens are not an excuse especially with you bc you have 5 days off in the week. Like my Uber driver said, working two days is just like throwing out the garbage. The. Bare. Fucking. Minimum. And you know what. You were the bare fucking minimum. Love don’t pay the bills. I do feel bad for you and I know I made the right choice to leave. And it really is the best for the both of us.

I realize I don’t wanna date until I’m fully healed from this. I wanna come into the next relationship completely me with no baggage. And right now you’re baggage. It’s sad that I feel sad for you.

Literal, sorry for your loss ✌🏼🥺

Day 30 and I’m gonna stack it up. And when I’m completely healed and ready to date im gonna get a cute loft apartment downtown. A part of me would want to invite you over just so you can see where I live but I know I shouldn’t.

As I write all this I have flashbacks of you and me and us just being cute. Just being hugged up. And being cute. You were actually my best friend at one point. Like I had to see you everyday and talk to you everyday. And it is a habit. I used to long for you, actually yearn for you. And now I just think about you. Less and less. Everyday.

Day 30 and yes, I still think about you. But now I’m can socialize and not think about you so much. Day 30 and I’m finally focusing on me again. Day 30 and I realize you had nothing to offer, me at least. You were not benefiting my life you were actually holding me back.

There’s times where I think about the disrespect I let slide. Mid convo to just ignore me. It’s weird it’s like we see each other too much and we need space but as soon as we leave each other I just wanna be back with you. Like I hate you but I need to be with you. I need space but I can’t leave your side. That’s a bit toxic.

Day 30 and I just imagine the love I deserve and want. It’s really on some cute shit. It’s really on some kick my feet in the air cute shit. It’s with a buff guy with a nice chest and broad shoulders. Beard obvi WITH a jawline. Patience is virtue and I feel I’m not ready to settle down anyways so why rush it. I’m not ready for that and I do wanna see what’s out there. Plus the man of my dreams needs to date more women to see that I’m actually a catch lol

Day 30 and I’m finally able to focus on me. Day 30 and I’m at my own healing phase and I can’t wait until I’m healed enough to actually date!! Day 30 and I’m gonna focus on me and work on me and stack my bread and build these cakes OOHHHHHHHHH. Day 30 and I have goals again. Day 30 and I realize you’re a bit of a loser (British accent).

Less of you and more of me. Day 30 <3 😌🤪♥️

[moonrisecalamityretreat]

worldly desires obstruct our view || hanji || trial 3 || re: my tummy hurts

Hanji blinks.

"Well. Ya heard 'em. We've been in here fer a while, and y'all still think morals matter here?"

Sure, they could've just kept shut to be respectful, but even if they did take time to honour Hisakata before the inevitable, it seemed as though they still didn't give a shit of how other's thought about their actions.

This was a lesson better learnt now than later, after all.

"Morals or laws or fairness never existed in these games in th' first place. It was never th' point. The point was always fer us t'kill an' die, no matter what.

It's obvious that these games were specifically designed to reject 'em an' have us stripped of 'em. They're not specifically lookin' fer immoral an' unethical actions, just responsibility. Just anythin' to make us upset. Any straw t'grasp on t'make us miserable and fuel that misery. 'Cos I reckon us bein' miserable benefits the mastermind, th' same as Izana Sakurai did."

Why was Hanji saying all this? Was this the time and place? Especially with everyone else mourning and grieving already, all dreading to see a well loved friend fall to their death for no reason but a shitty carriage and horrible luck...

But just because they were pointing out a harsh fact, it never meant they had to lament over it. No one was telling anyone that they could still look up from the ground.

"That's why we shouldn't fall fer it. The one behind this... they prob'ly want us to be mad an' upset an' shit, an' it's easy to when there's nuthin' we can do about it. But, uh... Don't be sad it's over, smile 'cos it happened... is th' sayin', right?

Even if we can't go back, or convince th' bunnies, memories of and with Imai will always be with us now. We're now all proof that he is and was here. In our heads, an' I guess hearts too fer some people. Maybe even personality."

Recycling some of the words they said to Hisa months ago, they look at him with that trademark blank expression, before it slightly curls into a grin.

"Y'won, Imai. I'm jealous. I should'a confessed 10 years ago to 'im when ya made fun o' me fer it. 'Cos unlike me, at least yer goin' out wit' closure wit' sum'un y'love an' more."

Maybe that was something insensitive to say to an outside witness, but Hanji spoke from their emotions. They only jsut hope Loic says everything he wants to say to Hisa before he goes...

"All that t'say I agree that it ain't immoral t'wanna live. But whatever. We're forced t'be victims to this game, like I said. We need t'remember that."

If there was any game Hanji didn't want to lose to-- no, if there was any game Hanji didn't want everyone and themself to lose to,

it'd be this one. To not lose to melancholy.

[uwuowotf2waslife]

and enjoy the fic , please im a slut for feedback <3

tw: alcohol cosumption, people being dicks , all platonic like bros do

Notes: English isn’t my first language; this one-shot is based on this tumblr post

Blood, guts & glory can splash on your eyes and hide the reality of living the mercenary lifestyle of Teufort.

Actually, it’s pretty damn monotonous. It’s like an office job, except you actually get to let your frustrations out in a much more healthy way than binge drinking at weekends. Sure it gets messy and quite life threatening, but Medic is always in the run to make sure your bones do in fact stay in their skeleton. It does have a fair share of paperwork, but nowadays what job doesn’t have paperwork...

This particular holiday season, by some grace of unknown ancient god, the Administrator decided that there should be an extended ceasefire, to boost morale and make sure people don’t start demand raises (they already are paid like millionaires, but Spy would like a raise for psychological damages).  Some gossips around the town claim that the Administrator got wooed by a certain Australian business & power man for a very romantic date of hunting and grilling Yetis on the barbie, but it also happened that the gossipers were found buried in shallow graves the next day, so we will never know.

Now before you ask, Christmas is the one of the guaranteed holidays the company actually provides, and quite frankly most of them barely get out of the base during the holidays.

Some exceptions are of course Heavy who will go by rafting to his mom and sisters even for 10 minutes, maybe Engie that in all fairness is pretty close to Bee Cave so he just  gets in his semi and hauls his ass a pretty chill 5 hour drive. Maybe Pyro who may or may not go to some Christmas Raves with their loops in cause rave girlies have some of the best plush game you’ll ever see. Demo prefers to get wasted and call his mom for their beloved sloshed phone call. Sniper makes sure he is very shaved, sober and pumped up before doing a zoom call with his Ma and Pa ( I refuse to accept they died, I can’t see him sad.) Soldier quite frankly is a fire hazard and he is banned from most bars and their Christmas party hour special event, he mostly chills at the Medbay with Medic who is all giggly on Gluhwein. Scout is a big boy and can handle being alone but mostly stays up all night doom scrolling pinterest ( secret Tom Jones stan account) and Spy beside being a major asshole, actually volunteers as Santa ( he can have a mean southern twang if he really wants to).

All was going great until Scout suggested they threw a New Years Eve party, after all they are all stuck in Snowycoast and somehow the power isn’t down yet.

 I mean, they usually just chill around just do a small group chant and go the fuck to sleep, but they never actually celebrated it. Pyro are already out by 9 pm, because dancing and vibing without enhancing substances is a workout worse than a triathlon preparation and in the first years Heavy suffered really bad jet lag.

 For the others New Years Eve stopped being a rager once they hit 30 and unrelenting alcohol consumption and bar crawling. All is peaches and cream, until you wake up in the middle of the dessert so unholy high on peyote without your undies or car keys, or so Sniper claims (his parents will never let it down, the sight of their adult professional unaliver son on stolen tidy whiteys is an image carved like fiery red metal on a fresh chuck of meat). 

But they can wing it; what’s more challenging? Bank heists or making mid Hawaiian punch? 8/9 mercs say the second.

A game plan was easy to be made, they are military men at heart (mainly soldier) and order is second nature to them (they did it to mainly shut up soldier). Heavy and Medic were responsible for the cooking, chicken tendies and mac’nd cheese is great but a hardy Russian stew or some extra spicy german wurst makes the game start rolling better. Spy decided he will be the decorator and Demo the florist…yes he is the barman, much creativity here. Scout and Pyro are just dicking around and pretty much everyone else pretty much acted like a goth tween being forced to go to their family gathering while wearing a bright pink Santa beanie. Except Soldier who is already ranting and raving victorious plans on how this specifically party will be worthy of the president while munching on chalk. Engie is the one tidying up the conference room and making sure the generators are ready for Showtime if the snow cuts them off from civilization.

After some bickering, especially because the wine & whiskey Demo has in his hand-made bar aren’t the cream of the crop, I know shocker, the food is fresh, ready and warm and the punch is fully loaded and ready to be ladled to thirsty sad men & nonbinary DDR destroyers.

By some stroke of luck Spy is feeling extra pezzazy and has sat his royal ass on the piano and softly plays totally classy, elegant music (he is playing wonderwall, he is the fuckboy after all). This night is really looking up. Being the macho manly men they are, Heavy and Soldier decided to play some poker, with beans of course as chips, because it’s silly to take friendly games as a competition.  The spirits got a bit heavy (pun needed here) soon though. Soldier might have the IQ of a feral cat, but he has one hell of a poker face, Heavy is a close second on that ,but he becomes livid fast after gulping down some liters worth of punch. Sooner or later you could hear loud swears in more European languages than expected, while Solly is grinning like a madman with a bed worth of cash in his side. Before even 10 pm our favorite soviet heavy weapons specialist was quintessentially skinned. He is so closed on betting his clothes and earthly possessions but Soldier will laugh at him until the day the sky turns into glue and plop down on unsuspecting souls.

Sniper joined for bit with them, but he is a sore loser when it comes to poker so he took his beans (his cash was gone faster than a deadbeat pressing the get out of state pedal while going out for some milk,) and left the room mumbling swearwords so foul, Engie started blushing. You could find him later, all saltier than a canned tuna in saltwater clutching his trusty RGB keyboard and mouse while blasting the most annoying Christmas songs known in humanities history. He got banned and kicked so many times he had to use a different account, but this is proper New Years Eve to him, finally being the public nuisance he creams to be. Scout at some point came in to pester him; after all there are extremely second hand quality movies on the TV and vomit inducing cheesy segments to watch sober.

Until he got a glimpse of a jar with a certain kid’s toy inside and the scooter-man decided he doesn’t need to fill his mind with whatever filth Sniper is doing. So he did set up camp in the rec room and softly bawled his eyes while clearly soul-empty news broadcaster showed off kitties setting up parties and babies doing barrel rolls.

At some point Pyro entered the room and coaxed scout off the normie entertainment industry for some good old DDR. Although Scout is and will always be a top tier gymnast and marathon runner, Pyro is the one who knows how to dance the Rasputin as hypnotic as the animations. All was going grand until 10.30pm when a very soft but audible ‘pop’ sound broke the instrumental music trance and Pyro saw painful white stars. Medic was called and he openly cackled while he zooped them up with the Medic Gun. With Pyro still sore, they just sat down, munched on some stew and second grade questionably made Gluhwein. Medic being the sentimental gilf of the base actually enjoyed the bland TV program , whilst Scout trying to nurse his crystal fragile ego he made guy noises when something particularly cringe happened.

 Solly was left to his own devices enough that he had a panic attack and as the one man army he is, he made a stable hideout in the corner of the rec room while muttering how Santa is a code word , Christmas is a ritualistic when souls and ghosts come to life and are out on the prowl , how he failed as a soldier and his dad was right for calling him his biggest mistake. Thankfully, Engie heard the commotion and successfully sweettalked his way into Sollys secret military bunker ( three chairs on each side and a desk on top with pillows for sound proofing, and  even more successfully comforted Solly enough to stop eating chalk and drink some water.

 Demo (you bet he was wasted, you are wrong) actually had some quiet time skyping his mom and actually enjoyed hearing about how his cousins had like a bunch of kids, or how the very little ones completed their fist life achievements ( speaking, walking, detonate enough stuff to be in the terrorist registry).  He even cried when mom sent his new nieces baby pictures, she looked so cute! All wrapped up like a garlic sauce kebob fresh out of the kebob mans magic hands.

Spy who we all thought he was still moonlighting as pianist, actually drank some and some more punch and got absolutely bogged. He started having zoomies , running all animalistic up and down the base until the gods of alcohol had enough. Soon he was found vomiting inside a potted plan and was promptly locked up and tied up tight on the rails in the disabled bathroom , Scout wanted to take pictures but he actually fell pretty bad for Spy and even brought him some water and took off his balaclava (with his eyes shut, boy scouts honor). He wanted to ask Engie where the baby monitor was, ( yes they bought a baby monitor for the bread monster baby), but the countdown started and hhe completely forgot about.

Everyone who was not completely cazooted , joined Pyro & Medic while they started the countdown. Heavy was sulking but happily lifted them all up when the clock hit midnight, even throwing the scout high enough to smack his head on the ceiling. At the end of all, no matter red or blue, support or defense, they all share the same joy of living the Gravel War life surrounded with men & man-things that make their life a rainbow’s worth of color and happiness.

Even Medic got moved by the comradery and actually went off to help Spy before he vomited a kidneys worth of humanities worst and best invention.

Happy New Year simps

[nat-20s]

8 for jmart?

#8- constantly cheacking their messages for words from the other

what else was I gonna do? here's some classic ol' season 3 pining babey

Hello Martin. This is Jon. I have gotten a new phone after losing my last one, please put in the new number.

It's a simple message. Straightforward, factual, and utilitarian. There is no reason that pressing send should make his heart race. There's especially no reason that the second he sends it off, he's tempted to lie on the deeply uncomfortable, likely bedbug infested motel mattress staring at his screen until he gets a response. Sure, he's sick of being overseas, and he's sick of being so isolated, and he's sick of running, but he's not...desperate for what little companionship can even be provided by words on a screen.

He does miss Martin, though. He misses Tim as well, but in a manner that's significantly more complex and knotted than the simple desire to be around him.

God, when did he start wanting to just be around Martin? He started being aware of that want when he was at Georgie's, but he has no idea when the want itself actually started. That was probably something he should examine. Technically speaking, that is something that he has time to examine, but he doesn't want to examine right now. Right now, he wants the comfort of perhaps one of the only people out there that doesn't want to kill him, or use him, or both.

Martin, whether through somehow sensing Jon's discontent from nearly 4000 miles away or, more likely, through a general dutifulness inherent to his character, only takes a few minutes to reply. Oh good! it'd been a little bit since hearing from you, we were somewhat worried. putting you in my contacts as we speak :)!

Saying that "we" were worried is almost certainly generous on Martin's part, but Jon feels no need to point that out. Instead he turns on his side and stares at the phone. He particularly focuses on the smiley face, ridiculously charmed by the fact that, despite everything, Martin hasn't lost his predilection for emojis. Two years ago, he would've rolled his eyes, maybe thought something snide about professionalism. It wouldn't have been fair, as Tim used to do the same thing and he thought nothing of it, but he wasn't fair back then. Now, he simply wonders if he can get away with sending one back.

Before he can respond, Martin sends another message. Are you actually alright? I realized I was kind of assuming that losing your phone was the only reason you were MIA, but is anything else going on?

Damn. He tends to forget how perceptive Martin can be. What, exactly, Martin had perceived in that first message, Jon couldn't be sure, but apparently there was something that tipped him off to the..eventful last week he'd had. He really, really doesn't feel like getting into all of that right now, especially not over text, so instead he replies a mostly truthful I'm fine.

Then, squinting at the screen and realizing that might come across as a dismissal, he adds, Well, other than trying not to contemplate the general sanitation practices of a motel that clearly hasn't updated it's decor since the 70s. I'm suspecting the sheets are much the same.

He doesn't know how Martin will react to the message. He can't see the face he'll make, won't know the tone of his voice. However, he likes to imagine that Martin will at least smile. Maybe he'll even give that breath of a laugh, the one that sometimes happens when Jon's being lightly acerbic and it's not directed at him. He doesn't know, but he does hope for it. Martin texts back Oof. Maybe sleep on top of the covers tonight, yeah?, and Jon thinks that he might have guessed Martin's reaction correctly.

Christ, who knew all it took was a combination of jetlag and threats to turn him into a sap. He needs to sleep. He really needs a deep, proper, uninterrupted sleep, one lasting a minimum of eight hours and ideally closer to fifteen. Checking the time, it would be a fairly reasonable time to sleep, especially with the early start he has tomorrow. He considers sending off a quick good night message, but then has the realization that as reasonable as it is for him to be asleep right now, it's just as unreasonable for Martin to be awake. Are you alright? Good lord, Martin, it's almost 4am over there. Did I wake you?

Barely 30 seconds pass before he gets back no, you're good!

A beat, then a follow up message. I've had a irregular sleep schedule since I was like 16. A lot of evening and night shifts had a lasting impact u know? Working at the institute made it a bit more consistent but it's still p rare that i sleep the same eight hours night to night.

Jon's starts to text back something sympathetic; he's had his own struggles with both in- and hyper- somnia, but his phone buzzes in his hand before he can finish it.

Sorry! That was uh probably more information than you wanted.

Well, that just won't do. Even if there wasn't a part of his brain that had recently started collecting facts about Martin like they were precious jewels instead of mostly mundane stories, he doesn't want Martin to think he can't talk to him about things outside of the standard bounds of coworkers. Not at all. We're friends, Martin, I enjoy learning about you.

His brain wants to catastrophize the second he presses send. For the first minute that Martin doesn't reply, he doesn't let it. After the second minute, he allows the minor worry to become more severe. Had it been too much? Were they friends? Jon certainly thought so, but what if Martin wasn't in the same boat? Their interactions had been entirely friendly for months now, but what if that was just Martin being polite? God, what if Martin still thought of Jon as his boss, nothing more?

Ten minutes. It takes ten minutes for Martin to finally respond, and Jon has almost called him four times to explain himself. Ten minutes, and the first response is only Oh!

Then: Cool

Well, that's not a "piss off and die", but it's not exactly comforting. Jon doesn't know how to reply, staring at the words on his screen and not entirely sure if he's fucked up or not. Fortunately, Martin's not done responding, and the next message is much, much better.

Hey uh. Feel free to say no I know it's getting late over there but. Im not getting back to sleep for the rest of the day and itd be nice to actually hear you. Would you be okay with a call?

Without a moment's hesitation, he texts back Yes!, exclamation and all, because he's become someone he barely recognizes. The phone rings just as immediately, and he feels his entire body relax at Martin's first "Hello?"

Things are difficult right now. Things have been difficult ever since the promotion that was a curse in disguise. The world is filled with monsters he barely understands. He wishes he was home despite the fact that he barely recognizes it, as filled with tension and strife as it is. There's so much to discuss, so many things they should be hammering out. But right now, the threats are not pressing. Right now, he can hear about the bad true crime documentary Martin half-watched before he got Jon's texts, and Jon can bitch about the three different "pip pip cheerio" comments he's gotten since coming over seas. Right now, and for the hour before Jon drifts off, breathing slow and deep, he can pretend that this is an ordinary phone call, in an ordinary world, between two people who simply miss each other an extraordinary amount.

[wizkiddx]

hiii!!! omg please please pleasee do a part two of 3 hearts broken cus it fucking slaps miss girl

part 2 to 3 broken hearts!!! ive been so 🥺 at all the lovely comments+interest pt 1 had so thanku all !

summary: serious serious angst again will tom somehow get it back (unlike looking cos boy is a fool)

warnings: again lots of swearing (im British sorry not sorry) / wayyyy too much tea / slating Dom abit (obvs fictional but idk if I like the guy sorry his opinions are :/) / commitment issues

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

read part 1 here!!!!

That was three days ago now. Three days since you'd spoken to your boyfrien- well, Tom. It wasn't evident what the situation was.

The typical British weather brought with it the most ironic pathetic fallacy you could ever see. The clouds were dark and glooming, firing angry pellets of rain out as hard as they could. When you had pulled up on the roadside, it had just been a light drizzle but synchronised with your anxiety levels rising - so did the rain. When you finally opened up the car door, you threw your hoodie open with a sigh before running up the pathway to the front door.

It was the same burgundy red that you knew so well, but this time instead of just letting yourself in - you stood in the rain used the brass knocker thing twice. To be honest, you were hoping that no one was home - but in that house, it was pretty unlikely. After 30 seconds of getting drenched in the downpour, you were about to let yourself in with the spare key before the door swung open.

"Oh! Er Y/n?"

"Yeh um hi." You had to shout a bit over the sound of what must now be classified as a storm.

"Toms not-"

"I know. Can I come in?" As awkward and stunted as this conversation was, if you didn't get out of the rain asap you would literally end up drowned.

“Oh er yeh-yeh yeh come in.”

Harry stammered as he held the door open, gesturing for you to enter into the tiled hallway. Gratefully, you followed, throwing your sopping wet hood back down and wiping your feet on the floor.

"Sorry for just showing up, but I left some scripts here. My management are on my arse to read them and-"

"And you waited till Tom left for mum and dads?" The fluffy-haired boy has caught you red-handed; there was no defence, so you didn't even try.

Because yes, you knew on a Friday afternoon when Tom was home he would always, like clockwork, go to his parents just to kick back and watch gogglebox with both of them. It was only natural then that you chose Friday afternoon to come and pick up your stuff.

"I've been waiting in my car for half an hour till I saw him leave." Harry half laughed at that, still the two of you standing opposite each other in the hallway. "Um, do you… do you hate me Harry?"

Clearly, he hadn't quite been expecting your question going by the way his eyes almost bugged out his head.

"No, I-I, of course, I don't… look, I'm home alone so you fancy a cuppa?" Not being able to help the small chuckle, you nodded appreciatively, following Harry through the house.

"Your answer to everything is tea."

Harry had prepared the two mugs in silence as you sat at the table waiting patiently - if nervously too. You didn't miss how Harry had still used your favourite mug, having had to dig through the cupboard to find the weird square-shaped thing. Once done, he rounded the kitchen island and placed it in front of you, which you instantly cradled in two hands - for the hope of warming you up.

"You cold?" Obviously, it was pretty evident that sitting in your rain-soaked hoodie was not cosy at all. "Hang on a sec."

The boy sprung up again, returning moments later with a hoodie in hand, one he offered out to you with a little smile. The issue was that him and Tom shared clothes, so the hoodie he was kindly offering to you also had been worn by Tom before. Which made it hurt a little bit to wear. It was better than sitting soaked through though.

"How have you been then?"

"Not the best, to be honest, but uh… how about you?"

"Being with Tom while he's fighting with you? Oh, it's a barrel of laughs. You might've escaped it, but I haven't." He was trying to lighten the mood, and you appreciated it, offering him a half-smile that didn't really meet your eyes.

"Yeh sorry about that."

"Don't apologise; it doesn't sound like it's your fault Y/n."

That surprised you. Tom, especially when he was in moods like he was when you argued, wasn't one to admit when he was wrong. It was usually how the world was against him and how he was so hard done by. Accepting responsibility was something he hadn't said to you yet - but at least, small steps.

"He say that?"

"Pretty much… doesn't seem like he's angry at you, but-but he's still angry."

"At the world?" You rolled your eyes; this seemed to be the same old Tom through and through. Still immature. Still not with the right mindset.

"At himself." Harry countered, slightly entertained, when he saw the flash of surprise in your face as he sipped his drink. "And me… if I dare to so much as breathe this week."

This time you properly laughed, and Harry joined in too before the room fell back to silence - except the noise of the rain hitting the garden patio slats. You swirled the tea round in your mug, feeling the brunette's eyes on you. He'd always been your fake little brother too, since you'd met the Hollands way back 3 and a half years ago. Tom and yourself were barely adults, which meant the twins were still proper children. Harry had always been the one that understood you. Hollands, by nature, loved humans - loved to talk, to chat, to gossip. But sometimes, doing all that socialising got too much for you, as it did for Harry. He was the only one that seemed to understand social exhaustion. So when those moments had hit, you'd kept each other company in silence.

He got you, sometimes in ways your own boyfriend didn't.

"You know why he got so worked up, right?" You shook your head, looking up curiously. "Dad got under his skin on his birthday zoom thing."

Ah, now that did seem to coincide with the start of Tom's more petulant phase. To be fair, Tom had been asking to move in together for near enough a year now - but it was only in the past month it seemed to be the only thing you'd talk about and obviously only three days since the flight back. Dom's birthday barely a week ago, whilst you and Tom were both filming - except Tom had managed to get a day off where you hadn't. So you hadn't heard this conversation.

"What'd he say?"

"Was talking about how he and mum were settling down at Toms age, joked about how you rejected him, said maybe you were holding out for something better."

"Something better?" Harry sighed, leaning forward onto his elbows.

"He'd seen an article just off a trashy tabloid… it named you Hollywood's golden girl or something, said you could have the pick of any person on the planet…"

Of all the people in the world, why is Tom affected by shit journalism? He knows how much bullshit people write. He knows how it's all made up, exaggerated nonsense. And what he should know, completely and totally, is how much you love him. And if he didn't, was that your fault? Had you done something wrong, something to make him doubt you?

Harry seemed to notice the internal dialogue going on in your head, adding to the point. "It wasn't the article though, it was the fact dad said it."

Hmmm.

You and Dom got on; it wasn't like you hated the possible future father in law or whatever. Just…. you had very different outlooks. As much as Tom prided himself on how' grounded his family keeps him' -to you at least, they aren't entirely at sea level either. They'd never really had any particular struggles in life. They were the definition of middle class, and that's about it. They lived in a posh suburb of London, had all their family still around. It was the perfect family.

And whilst you were in no illusions about how privileged your life was now. It hadn't always been. You'd never had the 'nuclear' family. Instead, only your dad and a string of dodgy and fleeting stepmothers while struggling to make ends meet. So you were just always wary of Dom, of his opinions that so often his boys took for gospel. They always seemed pretty sheltered and close-minded.

And yet, Tom was a grown man.

"I get that, I just… Tom should know that we know more about our relationship than his dad. I mean,… have I done something wrong? Made him think I'm not in this for the long haul?"

"No nonono Y/n he's just… well he's an idiot, isn't he? I don't think he properly understands why you're cautious about moving and everything. He's just an idio- "

Harry was cut off for lightly insulting his brother by the sound of the front door opening, both of your heads swivelling towards the source. You then met Harry's eyes in a panic, to which he replied relatively simply.

"Just talk to each other. For my sake." You would've argued if it weren't for the fact you were so focused on Tom's shuffling around in the entrance hallway - back early from his parents.

"Baz? Where you at? I thought I saw Y/n's car and-"

"Kitchen!!!" Before Tom could say anything else, possibly landing himself in more trouble, Harry interrupted as his chair screeched while standing up. And then Tom was just there. Standing in the doorway, his arms dropping limply to his side as he noticed you. Everything about that moment seemed to freeze, when you locked eyes with him for the first time in three days. It didn't go unnoticed, the way his Adams apple bobbed, the way his eyes widen. The boy looked plain and simply terrified.

It was Harry who broke the silence, after giving you a stern look that said 'stay'. The younger Holland boy walked up to Tom and spoke.

"Try actually talking and actually listening about your problems with each other." And then he was gone, down the hallway and up the stairs.

For a few moments, Tom stayed absolutely stationary, now staring at where Harry had been when speaking to the both of you (but mainly Tom). Long enough to put your sense of unease at an all-time high, ready to make a break for it.

"If you don't want to talk, then I can leav-"

"NO!" Apparently snapping out of it, Tom exclaimed loud enough to make you flinch from your seat. "Sorry! I-I just… I wasn't expecting to… you know, to see you."

"Yeh I just uh- just came to pick up some scripts… Harry cornered me with a tea, though; otherwise, I'd be…."

"Baz thinks the whole world could be fixed with tea."

"that's what I said!" You instinctively responded, forgetting the fact you're supposed to be mad at him, and just for a second falling back into your normal flow.

Tom didn't even try to hide his grin in response, until you quickly corrected your face- then he did too. Turning around to put the kettle on for himself. Because right now, he needed to fix his whole world, and he needed all the help he could get. For a period, the only noise was the sound of the kettle boiling, then the teaspoon clinking against the mug as he stirred - until he padded over, taking the seat across from you.

"So."

"So."

"It's been a while," Tom stated the bloody obvious.

"You never called."

"Didn't think you'd want me to."

You thought that the early signs weren't all that auspicious. His ability to read a situation once again failing.

"I wanted you to say something."

"Say what?"

"What do you think Tom?" He replied to the sarcastic tone by sucking in a sharp breath, holding it for a second, before slowly exhaling. As if trying to compose himself, take time to think of a response - a mature move for him.

"Well, I think you want me to say sorry? For being so moody and not waiting for you and for upsetting those kids. And thanks too, for covering for me?"

You just hummed. Waiting for him to continue. Because yes, you did deserve all those things. But you also deserved more. An apology for, oh I don't know, saying he didn't think you loved him? It was a wait that never ended, he had nothing more to add.

"Going by your face, I take it I missed something?"

The bloody cheek of it.

"Theres nothing else? Nothing else at all? …" You gave him that chance, the opportunity but all he could respond with was a shake of his head. "You thought I was fine about you saying that I don't love you?" You hadn't intended on raising your voice, but really you hadn't realised you did till after the fact. To blinded by rage at his ignorance.

"You want to talk about this now?"

"When else Tom?" You sighed, realising he perhaps wasn't ready for this conversation. Maybe he needed more time to think things through, have sense talked into him by various wiser family members. Or maybe, he never would be. That was the worst-case scenario. But also… you're most likely prediction.

He shuffled in his seat, clearing his voice but not saying anything. Not a peep.

"I have spent three years of my life with you. I've had countless nights of too little sleep because that was the only time you could facetime. I've exposed my relationship to the world and people's opinions because you didn't want to hide. All I've done is love you. How could you even say that?" There might've been tears in your eyes, yet you were determined to keep them at bay. You needed to have this out, one way or another, to be clear and cohesive and logical. No time to cry.

"Y/n I know that, I…" He sighed, instinctively reaching for your hand, but you were quicker to pull it away. There was hurt in his eyes, but so there should be. "It just sometimes feels like that's it for you. That yeh you love me but you just want to standstill. That this is as much as it'll ever be."

Your emotions were suddenly uncontainable. Your voice croaked as you whispered, "Have I done something wrong?"

"No love, nonono if that's how you feel then that's okay. But it's something I'm not… shit this is hard." He took a pause to take a sip of his drink, your glazed eyes never leaving his. "I don't think I can stand still anymore. And yeh I was pissy and childish the other day because my dad got under my skin about the whole moving in thing… But these past few days, it just has got me thinking. Because I love you, so much."

This time when he reached out to grab your hand, you actually leaned into it yourself. Not because you were giving in, but because this hurt. This hurt so fucking much that you needed something to ground you, or else god knows. Because the way he was speaking, it sounded so finite.

"I love you too."

"I do know, which is…is why this is so hard." At the very least, Tom had conceded that.

The conversation ceased to silence yet again. The room felt so cold; even Tom/Harry's hoodie was doing nothing to keep you from the endless empty cold that seemed to be coming from within.

"When I re-registered my health card last month, and I made you my emergency contact on it. I-I made you my next of kin on everything actually. I didn't think about it twice. And-and this-"You pulled your phone out of your back pocket, immediately pulling up the app onto the open page. "This is my Pinterest board for our baby's nursery theme. I know-" You paused, to quickly wipe your cheeks clear of the tear tracks that may or may not have been there. "I know it's probably a long way away, but I just love the Scandinavian theme." You laughed at yourself, suddenly embarrassed at your blabbering and quickly pulled up a different app. "And this… this was from the other week when I was helping Y/bf/n start her vows." Hands trembling as you turned the phone around for Tom to see again. "She was finding it really tricky so she said, what would you say to Tom on your wedding, so-so I made this list." You only dared to look at him when you were sure he'd be reading through that note.

It was bizarre because he looked… well, he looked happy. Here you were feeling traumatised, showing things that you'd barely even deeped how committed they were - and he was pleased? Feeling the fire burn once again inside of your chest, you quickly swiped the phone away and back into your pocket. Only then did he look up, eyes widening - presumably at quite how psychotic you looked.

"So don't you dare say that I don't want a future with you."

You said it with such force, there was a pause. Tom letting those words sink deep into his brain. The way his expression flickered minutely gave you hope. You thought he got it. You thought he really understood now.

"But why don't you want to move in then?"

There it was again. He knew why. But he didn't get it. And, probably, he never would.

You were about to crash completely. So you ran. As fast as your legs could carry you, not even aware of your chair crashing to the floor in your wake. You ran out of that house and away from him. Away from who you had thought was the love of your life.

?give tom a final chance w one last part?

feedback is always v v appreciated <3

tom taglist : @lovehollandy12 @hollandlover19 @thefernandasantana @hunnybunimdun @hallecarey1@cedricdiggorysimpp @msmimimerton @hollandfanficlove @pandaxnienke @crossyourpeter @thegirlwiththeimpala @tom-softie @sunwardsss @spiitfiiires @radcloudenthusiast @ladykxxx08

people i think might be interestd in this (sorry if not just let me know and i'll remove the tag!!!): @obiwanownsmyass @wildxwidow @parkersvogue @coffeewithoutcaffeine @tomhollandlol @thefallenbibliophilequote @clumsymandu @hiraethenthusiast @mannien @abrielleholland @evermorehabit @niallberry @greatpizzascissorstaco @runawayolives @annathesillyfriend @letsgotothemoonlight @lovelybarnes