#tf2 shiposting

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Inflict your misery on your blorbos! The mercs having to go to the dentist?

Based

Scout: that guy who swears he aint afraid , up and down hell preach he has never once cried at the dentist. But also the guy who once the appointment is over he is outta there faster than light.

Soldier: not really afraid, just hates how close the dentist is to his face. ( i can tolerate many things, but seeing each individual pore in someone face who is using a medieval torture device (lil scoop mirror) its something i cant).

Pyro: do they even have teeth?? Sorry lil firebug, but oh well, ya know sweets and pop tarts aint best food for your enamel ( basically a Spy but they needed to have crowns)

Demo: unironically most carefull person with his teeth. I mean yeah, life is tough when you are a one eyed black scotsman with a police record roughly the length of the entire city of Glasgow, you gotta have at least something gucci about your face. Homeboy has never had a single cavity.

Heavy: he isnt afraid per say, but gulag life never had dental care in the healthcare provider section. His idea of a dentist is using pliers on a tooth , so id argue based. Mouthwash guy who doesnt rinse because , he wants his breath extra fresh

Engie: sanest man in the whole group (not) but was forced to have the ugliest braces known to man so each time he prays he doesnt get flashbacks

Medic: he may have done some oral/dental healthcare (with or without patient consent) but he knows the basics of dentistry. Also forced to wear hideous braces becauSE hE iS. A nErD geT iT ??? ( nah homeboy just succed on em pacyfiers so hard his teeth were like a crater)

Sniper: crooked tooth police BUT he is amazing at dental healthcare. A dentists best patient. HE ACTUALLY FLOSSES DAILY, he isnt that unhappy about his teeth but he has a few of them chipped and in his opinion he makes him feel goofy

Spy: will use all torture training techniques in the dentist. Never flosses, never brushes but uses an obsene amount of mouth wash. Has semi trauma (his fake teeth were a necessity cuz imo prolly got them all taken out without consent -he is a spy; pulling teeth was a very common form of torture-) so yea he hates anything sharp/pointy/metallic touching his teefs.

[thatonesimp-e]

HUGE thanks to everyone who participated! the magma will stay open for a little while longer, love you all! <3

[drunkenclown555]

all must post selfcest

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Oui

Gentlemen

We’ll never die

[ratticus-ratt]

Late Night Doodles

[dumpster-waifu]

I really really hope nobody has done this yet

Bonus:

[ask-the-messenger-tf2]

[conversation about robbing Redmond Mann]

Medic: Vy not? Ve already stole a RED.

Messenger: Hey guys.

Engie: No, we didn’t. Messenger’s a team hopper she can do whatever she wants.

Messenger: I wanna steal.

[uwuowotf2waslife]

In other words

Isn't it terrifyingly beautiful that people luv stinky homicidal mercs so much they are willingly put the time and effort FOR FREE to write a whole ass novel.

That's why I love Fandoms

Just people being passionate for vidi games/functional characters.

For the record I'm not on hiatus- I'm just extremely busy

Fic authors deserve more credit.

Story time: I started a book about 23 hours ago and just finished it. Also in that time I slept for 10 hours, spent time with family, was at work, etc. Anyway, I enjoyed the book (Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda). But it felt like it flew by, so after I finished I looked up the word count because what are pages? Pages are meaningless. I only function in word counts anymore.

The estimate I found was 58,580. My immediate reaction was “oh, that’s why. That’s nothing!” But what a shitty response. Because no. That’s not nothing. That’s a whole. Damn. Book. An entire novel! And Fic authors regularly bust out 30k, 50k, 100k, 150k words. AND THEY DO IT FOR FREE. WHILE WORKING AND LIVING THEIR LIVES.

So anyway, thank your favorite fic author today because they deserve it. Because they’re amazing. They’re the MVPs.

[uwuowotf2waslife]

With New Year’s Eve coming soon imma do my schtick.

The administrator feeling somewhat kind this jolly year (or also being invited to a very professional yeti punching date by Chadwick Chaddermegaman Saxton Hale.) offered the mercs a peace treaty for the last day of the year.

During the much needed battlefield office party :

1. Someone spiked the fruit punch so much they spent the new years countdown holding on the porcelain throne for dear life.

2. Two people decided to play poker, they started with beans as chips and now one has enough money for a new villa in Kavos and the other is considering to pull off a heist to make back their money.

3. DDR Marathon untill they popped their hip doing the Rasputin

4.responsible person Skyping their parents and sending emails to relatives.

5. Hiding inside a pillow fort because new years is here and THEY HAVENT MET ANY OF THEIR GOALS.

6. Adult person who watches the news segment and all the cheesy new years s programming.

7. Adult person with 3 brain cells making fun of the other adult and making eww and silly noises every time something particularly cringè or cheesě happens.

8. Absolute chad who plays cod while blasting Christmas music in his mic.

Who did what ? And what merc is the chaddest of them all?

The mercs will be revealed at 23:45 at 31/12

Your guesses in reblogs/comments/anonasks❤️

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Noone asked but

Mercs Sexualities ❤️

Scout is screaming closeted bi. Why you ask? I dunno, but my intuition never failed me.

Soldier is a chaotic person so in modern terms you could name him pansexual. He only cares if the person that he is snusnuing is capable of fighting. Thats all

Pyro is a monogamouss pan mess because with all the lighter fuel fogging up their goggles (and their minds) they couldnt care less about their S/Os genitals.

Demo is a casual straight man, but he isnt too much of a wuss to try new things (by things i mean you)

Heavy is gay as shit for Medic … come on.

Engie is a sad hetero man is his sad world (unless you count the fangirlies who wanna ride him like a cowboy)

Medic is a bi bitch queen (yeah fuck his ex wife, he wants to do but eternally pound (and fiddle) with Heavies guts)

Sniper is a proud disaster starved for a tender touch.

Spy is a true manwhore, serving and receiving all genders better than a gas station bathroom

[uwuowotf2waslife]

What if Medic taught the team sex ed because he found out that someone has an STI and the mercs later either follow his advice or completely ignore it + Medic educating reader on safe sex on practice

The reason I came up with this is that I'm really stupid so I got thrush. I'm so fucking embarrassed, I'm a grown ass woman but I somehow did my hygiene incorrectly and I'm itchy down there and it burns to pee. I'm making an appointment with a gynecologist as I write this so I should be fine

Love your writing, acceptance of horny and your chill. Best wishes to you and sorry for shitty English

Dw frend your english is ✨✨✨✨

Also get well soon <3 it happens to the best of us

Tw: Sex mention/STD mention

In this case: Spy (fuckboy) got trush and Medic had a mild stroke when finding out only 3/9 Mercs understand the concept of STDs

Medic: lecturer in the conference room used in ED. Has a small presentation of whats STIs are and how to avoid them.

“Zo az you zhee, thiz are the common STDs you may encounter during ehm…”

“During third base!” Pips Scout.

Visible confusion by all non english speaking members except Spy

“The boy means sex… speak like an adult sout.” Half muffled by a ciggarete.

“Doubt you can get a hard on, frenchman, just 10 secs ago sawbone said you loose your errectIon once you hit 60” scout goes for a low blow

“Your mother never complains, does she.” Spy snakes back for a lower blow.

“SAY IT AGAIN FUCKFACE AND YOULL HAVE A MUFFCABBAGE FOR A HEAD” scout tries to grab his pistol, forgets that he had to surrender it at the lockers for safety.

“SHUT UP BABYMEN! DOCTOR SAYS ITS IMPORTANT “ a russian roar cuts them both raw and leaves them hanging.

A shill sound cuts them all, now Medic using Archimedes claws to get them all to pay attention

“Danke mein Freund “. “Now I know thiz will be embarrassing but you are all very welcome to use the jar in the medbay, well you wish to… touczh third base” A true genious never lets new opportunities for a learning moment to fall.

“So the condom jar?” “Didnt yall ever used that till Spy got Thursh??!” Scout looks dumbfounded

“You dont really use protection when ya are a gentleman, mongrel!” Sniper visibly annoyed and flustered because in his non medical experience a quickie in a van isnt really prime time for proper sex ed usage.

“Snipes Sheep dont count!” Scout goes for the low hanging fruit.

Sniper roses up and looks anywhere for a weapon but decides his chair is prime

Untill he is stopped by heavy and is basically hogtied by a even taller and burlier man

“Next will be in Locker” simple threat but working.

“Dankeshone Fruende… but yes I expect you all to use them. We cant have a czeafire because you all have different sztrains of StDS reaking havoc.”…

“ Never seen you using one tho Sawbones” Again scout being a dumbass.

Soldier now fed up , stands up and salutes

“MEDIC AS AN AMERICAN I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT IN MY AMERICAN EDUCATION WHAT SEXUALY TRANSIMETED DISEASES ARE, BUT THIS HERE BASTARDS HAVE MADE THIS LESSON UNACCEPTABLE. PERMISSION TO STRANGLE SCOUT?”

“NO TALK BABYMAN!”

“What if ye just want yer dick sucked by a bird? Do ye also need a condom?” Demo awoken has to ask the most revelant question in the last hour and a half.

“YOU DO VAT TO BIRDS?” Medic officially snapped.

“Ya know, chicks” scout yells amidst being stangled

“Vat?”

“HE MEANS WOMEN YOU IDIOT” hogtied sniper yells

“JA YOU DUMBKOFF!”

Earie silence from Medic finnaly snapping.

“Do we also have to use it with dudes? Like is it any different?”scout is about to pass out.

Medic defeated

Spy horrified his son is bi ( boomer fainting)

“I mean same same but different so prolly yeah” answers him an amused Engie.

“Mhmmm mmh” Pyro says and leaves the building.

True mercenary chaos ensues with Spy accusing Scout from hiding shit from him while all the others have fights about who did what and why they didnt use a wrapper.

Case in point

They are all idiots.

[uwuowotf2waslife]

I lowkey picture Soldier either loving or hating this product

Men's 38-in-one night time sickness cold & flu shampoo & conditioner toothpaste and mouthwash combo (plus nourishing skin formula with hydrating aloe)

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Mercs at the seminar

Medic is lowkey hyped beyond belief , so much scientific knowledge and collegues to share titbits & surgery tips😍😍😍 (the annoying kind also who hogs all the free pens and notebooks )

Spy is at best semi interested at worst panicky, he doesn’t like too many people on one place together. (May also be such a sour kid because he has slept with most of his colleagues but shush shush )

Heavy is the extreme note taker , every word, spit and open mouth the speaker does is jotted down. Does even small sketches to make sure all knowledge is stored (if it’s in Russian or literature he might actually stand up and preach about the absolute (nightmare) joy Russian literature is.

Pyro is thrilled❤️ they take down notes on what they think is important and make all this cute sketches , if the buffet has sweets they might also hoard them

Demo, the annoying guy who sits at the front and it’s too tall so you have to always move your seat so you can actually see something behind his massive brolic body

Sniper stays in the back and makes very short but precise notes in bullet form (just like me lol)

Scout is there because he was forced to, he doodles the speaker having consensual sexual congress with the Eifel Tower

Soldier is the speaker! Duh (the real speaker is being held hostage by raccoons,send help plox)

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Yo…I have written roughly 40,000 words… IN TWO YEARS IVE WRITTEN 130 pages or THE LION THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE (C.S. Lewis).

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Mercenaries at the movies headcanons? Like which one of them would be the guy on their phone

Scout is the king of cinema times snacks . Unironically lives for the salty popcorn and sodas. Maybe even have a huge bag of those sweet jello haribo things just to flex. (Also the asshat who claps at the end of the movies)

Soldier is the one asshole who yells to the screen as if his screams will telepathically move the plot along. May or may not fistfight people who make noise

Pyro is a crier, so they bring a small handbag with tp so they can cry their heart our with ease. Steals from Scout all of his candy but thats another story

Heavy: he sits at the front and prays noone make a scene because his g i r t h covers up the screen for everyone behind him.

Engie: does those very loud whistles when a big fight has been won or the protagonist has made amends/ unalived the villain

Demo: enjoys sleeping and will sleep through the entire thing unless unprovoked

Sniper: removes his glasses for once and just streches out to his heart content, may chug some whiskey from demo, who knows

Medic: audibly critises bad gore/ medical inaccuracies but stays quiet for the most part because he likes not being the one to play healer when a fight is on

Spy: ugly crying queen and seagull tier laughter enjoyer. He uses torture training experience to not become a public spectacle

[uwuowotf2waslife]

hello! (if u havent answered this already) since its almost valentines day, whatd the mercs do for valentines day? nsfw/sfw verison if u want pls,, ty ^^

For once in this blogs lifetime ill keep it sfw

(Mentions of drogas)

scOut : he has core memories of making valentine carda in school for his momma and girls who he liked (he never actually game them , he pretended it was for his aunt), so he prolly will try to make a card for his s/o. He wont go all the way the tictoc card guy, but its pretty sweet and he knows the basic art of card making with lots of wuv.

Soldier: he is a closeted romantic but in his own way, so hell make something with honey ( healthy way to get your daily sugar intake cupcake) and assure you you can tottaly rocketjump waltz (he has medic on stand by)

Pyro: they have a very loose idea of time most of the time, but if yoy inquire about it theyll make some bomb ass salvia tea and kickoff the day with irl baloonicorns

Heavy: stoic man who thinks valentines is just sad capitalism move for making cards and roses. Also the type of man who oh so happens to bring you breakfast in bed said day and oh so also happens to gift you your favourite book, he is a hypocrite.

Demo: he is a party animal so yall will go to town and get kicked out a rave for being too awesome

Engie: he is a sentimental sap so hell act like a typical alpha male and act like he has forgot it and suprise you with your favourite activity that can be managed in a room (etc arts and crafts, pottery, bathing together etc)

Spy: actually a pretty non valentine person and he knows that sentimental saps dont really make him look genuine so hell just make sure yall are free the whole afternoon so you can take a breather and relax together.

Medic: please, please, please make this man stop working for once in his lifetime. Prob him slowly with vague questions about valentines, how valentines is celebrated in germany and hell get the idea that mayhaps he has to do something in his life other than the not to do list of the hyppocratic oath.

Sniper: small boi, precious will bring you flowers and let you roam his van without a peep. He loves it when you both make for the both of you a dinner and just live the domestic fluff