#to a certain degree I've done it to myself and I'm aware

[erstwhile-elster]

Damb.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for faking orgasms?

This might come as a shock given the title but I'm a man, and so is my boyfriend. However I'm much more sexually experienced than him, as in I'm his first sexual/romantic partner meanwhile I've had sex with at least 30 different guys before. I also generally have a more consistent libido, and I'm desensitized down there to a degree, AND I also often get stuck in my own head due to certain neuroses and ocd and whatnot -- all this to say, it's REALLY hard for me to reach a real climax with another person.

And my bf is aware of this. I've told him many times. I've also reassured him (truthfully!) that partially due to this, an orgasm is not the end-all-be-all of sex for me, and that I can absolutely enjoy myself without "finishing." And if he still feels bad, I will not only take a backrub or something essentially as a replacement for him making me finish, but I in fact often prefer it. I promise I've tried everything; this is not a communication issue.

But. Basically no matter what I say or do, he just doesn't believe me. Or he isn't capable of accepting it, idk. He's insistent that it makes him bad at sex and it means he couldn't please me if I don't come... all the while that he almost never actually takes initiative to do any dominant role? So tbqh he's not totally wrong about that self-assessment but it's still ridiculous bc he doesn't even know WHY? Anyway.

Telling him things that he could do to ever make it better doesn't really work either, because the moment I "criticize" him during sex, even if it's just telling him to move his legs into a different position, he often takes it incredibly personally and just stops wanting to have sex altogether bc he's suddenly not in the mood. And if it's after he's finished, he's basically conked out. He never has any energy by that point except to more or less demand that I come, as nowadays he counts my capacity to jerk off afterwards as something evident of his "ability to please me," I guess. By that point, I'm still just jerking off by myself while he plays on his phone or falls asleep next to me, which I hate and find a huge turn-off and have expressed multiple times that it's at least "weird" and "funny" to do so. But he keeps doing it.

Inb4 the most likely majority response to a lot of this: I'm aware that we're clearly not that sexually compatible. But leaving the relationship is not an option even if I wanted to. The routine of us having sex is, regardless of exactly how satisfying it is, essentially necessary to our mutual happiness.

Now that that's out of the way, here's the real meat: I've decided relatively recently to just... pretend to come. I can often get to a sort of mini-orgasm long before a real one is on the horizon and I just kind of exaggerate that. It really turns him on, and it gets rid of any of the tension that would otherwise be there once we're both done, and I'm able to either fall asleep or otherwise move on in peace.

Now obviously, this is lying, and I don't like having to lie, and also if he ever realizes that I fake them then he's gonna feel even worse than when I outright say I didn't come. But clearly it's also causing strife to be truthful, and it's also not that hard to fake it. Whatever I communicate to him is at best forgotten - and it most likely *is* genuine, innocent forgetfulness bc he has severe ADHD. I'd likely never know if it happened that he is straight up ignoring what I say. In any case it's to a level that it just seems like my only solution is to fake it.

Does he have a right to know if I haven't actually come? AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[orphanedwolfandfriends]

2023 message to all

A lot of situations with different people have left me jaded, and worried to a degree about interacting with more than just people in my friend circle. Simply out of a personal concern on whether or not somebody's gonna turn out to be another asshole or not, and asking myself if I really wanted to find that out, and the other thing is that I wouldn't want to be some indirect catalyst for someone to be like "uhm, you're interacting with THAT BITCH? no, i'm gonna make this into a thing 'cause fuck you". I'm well aware that if people make a big deal out of it regardless, it's entirely on them, but it still wouldn't have been fun to know that it is a thing. All of that could be summed up easily with "my social anxiety's real bad, dude-".

If you've followed me long enough, you might've noticed that I went from super hype and eager to write with more people to just wanting to hide into a corner until someone sends me a thing, generally afraid to post because of who might be watching. I know I'm really sounding like I've done some major fuckshit but unless I get told otherwise, I'm gonna say that I haven't. I've just associated with some insane people, and I ain't lookin' to list 'em all out to spare the headache.

I still don't have good things to say about myself sometimes, I feel like I overshare to a point people will get weirded out, I feel like I'll scare people off for being too eager and hyped or "insistent", or generally annoy them when I talk. But even despite all of that, I still managed to keep some good people in corner, and bring in some who turn out to be good, and just enjoyable to talk to in a lot of ways, give me advice on certain things I have trouble with, so...What I'm trying to say is,

I can't thank any of you enough for still staying with me. I could say those two words hundreds or even thousands of times, and it still wouldn't feel enough to me. So thank you. And here's to another year of tomfoolery.

[bubblegummintie]

🌱🌸🌱🌸🌱🌸🌱🌸 About Me 🌸🌱🌸🌱🌸🌱🌸🌱

˚｡⋆୨୧˚ Name: Bubble, Bubblegum, Minty, and Mint are the four main ones and I'll only answer to them if we do not know each other.

˚｡⋆୨୧˚ Pronouns (will update with site info): He/she/they. I am genderfluid and prefer they when talking about me to others.

˚｡⋆୨୧˚ Sexuality (not delving in too deep): I'm bisexual.

˚｡⋆୨୧˚ Age: I won't go into exact age, but I am 20+ so please keep that in mind.

˚｡⋆୨୧˚ Fandoms: I'll probably update this as time goes on, but the main ones I'm in are Smile for Me, LiEat, and a bunch of other ones that I can't name off the top of my head. I only really write somewhat for the Smile for Me fandom and try to be as true to the character as possible with some liberties of my own in some cases. 

Account icon: done by the amazing Twizurcis!!! They don't use Tumblr much so I don't really have a link to send.

˗ˏˋ༻ʚ♡︎ɞ༺ˎˊ˗ DNI ˗ˏˋ༻ʚ♡︎ɞ༺ˎˊ˗

✧˚₊‧ Homophobic, transphobic, just anything that is anti-human rights and life (in ways no one gets hurt from).

✧˚₊‧ Post, or well, talk about heavy amounts of gore. I'm fine with you, I just don't want to be harassed like I have in the past with it and be exposed to it. I can only handle a certain degree of it, and if it's live action and you send it, that is an immediate block and I will not remove said block.

✧˚₊‧ If you are looking to befriend me solely for the purpose of talking trash about me or anything of the sort. This is a safe space and I do not want to be involved with people I do not want to be involved with. If you disrespect this, I'm blocking you and adding you to a posted list of people not to talk to me about or anything of the sort. If you want to talk things out or anything of the sort is cool, just don't get me involved with anything.

✧˚₊‧ If you want to start drama of any kind, stalk me, start letting people talk trash about me and harass me/those around me, and just don't like me, do not interact or even come near my account. I don't want to see or be a part of this and I will not be a part of it. If I have you blocked, it's for a specific reason and I'm usually not going to budge on it for my own state of mind.

✧˚₊‧ Anti-mental health. I know this is kinda a stretch for some, but there is a lot of people out there that are very against it and I don't want those people near me from the way I've been treated for mine and for my autism. I also want them far away from others no matter what.

✧˚₊‧ Fatphobic people and just anyone with the "I'm doing this for your own good/trying to help!" mentality. Bluntness is not something to be proud of if you use that as an excuse for hurting others. Alongside that, treat people with respect, care, and compassion. If I don't want to see it, they probably don't either. Abuse is abuse and can really change a person, so don't imply too much and genuinely respect boundaries. No respect from you = no respect from me when I block you. I won't trash talk you, but I won't respect you as someone I want near me.

.˚ *꒰ঌ✦໒꒱ * ˚. Social Medias and more .˚ *꒰ঌ✦໒꒱ * ˚.

[I won't be posting all of them right now, just the ones I use and are very public about.]

❀˖° AO3: Be aware I tend to upload chapters close together to prevent myself from losing the will to finish it and then leave it unfinished. Tap the word for the link.

The link to the masterlist post: https://www.tumblr.com/bubblegummintie/734892975230943233/heres-that-masterpost-i-mentioned-in-my-pinned

❀˖° Instagram: Tap the word. I mostly post edits to here and maybe some crafts if I make the decision to.

❀˖° Twitter: Tap the word for the link, I just reblog stuff here for the most part.

❀˖° Discord: Can't exactly give a link but my username is bubblegumminty and I'm always open to adding new people!!!

My tags for everything are:

#Mint Tea Time Reblogs, #Mint Tea Time Talks , #Mint Tea Time Uploads, and Mint Tea Time Rambles. I'm also adding for when I make polls the hashtag, #Mint Tea Time Polls (idk how to embed them so they are in the tags at the bottom of this post).

Thank you for reading and I hope we all get along fantabulously! I'm always open to chat but please don't ask to be friends if we've just met. It's a natural process and I do not want to feel forced to say yes.

[mitigatedchaos]

[ me ]

Ah, here we go. Rationalism is not a cult and Yudkowsky is not a cult leader, but it contains some tools one could use to build a cult and it's reported that someone did do that.

[ anon ]

From what I've seen of this cult, it looks like the most important Rationalist assets it used were the people, not the ideas - it treated Rationalist communities as a good hunting grounds to find susceptible people.

I haven't reviewed the reports myself because that's not my "job," per se. I'll agree that the Rationalist population has people who are susceptible to certain cult tactics.

I was going to do a quick and dirty ideological functional decomposition on some common Rationalist tropes (not my usual target!), but in terms of risks from ideological mechanics, the core thing for the Rationalists is that all formal systems are fundamentally incomplete and break down outside a given range of underlying conditions.

Maximization/Optimization pushes the conditions towards these kinds of asymptotic positions where the formal system is either less connected to reality, or becomes undefined.

(It's possible that all ideological systems contain some fundamental core loop, but not enough study of the functional components of ideological systems has been done to determine this.)

Rather than the circular logic of more conventional systems ("denying that you have male fragility is classic fragile male behavior!") though, most of the body of risk in Rationalism likely lies in the asymptotes where the proposed underlying conditions exceed those of appropriate epistemic humility for a human being - taking ideas too seriously, shutting up and multiplying the wrong numbers or numbers too wildly imprecise to be used in practice, acting on the basis of thought experiments devised to test the limits of ethics with an unwarranted degree of certainty, and so on.

For instance, just because God can see every possible vector combination of realities doesn't mean those realities actually exist. As far as I'm aware, the Many Worlds Interpretation hasn't allowed us to interact with any other "branches," so we have to weigh the (substantial) possibility that our physics about it is just incorrect.

But if someone can be talked into believing in "quantum immortality," in which reality branches and their experience is continuous only with branches in which they survive, they can be convinced of insane ideas like playing the lottery with a commitment to shoot themselves if they lose - with only their gut, which they may have been told not to trust, telling them not to do it.

Lately I've been thinking in terms of text as having "weights." As in, "take this only 80% seriously." I suspect a lot of Rationalist thinking is useful in the 30-80% range, can't quite make up for shortfalls in underlying intelligence, and gets toxic above 80% and dangerous above 90%.

[hoghtastic]

It's me again. I'm the one who wrote the ask about feeling ridiculous about feeling hurt about Alex & Johanne being together/possibly living together.

To the anon who thinks I was making fun of the other anons here & mocking you guys or "usuing a different angle," you can feel how you want, but I was honestly being serious. I did use some of the same words & phrases that a lot of you guys have used to describe what you call a "stan" on purpose & I started out putting it in quotations but I figured it wouldn't be necessary for all of them that I mentioned. I wasn't doing that to try to make myself look better or "claim" anything. I was doing exactly what the admin said-I felt like these descriptions describe me to a certain degree BUT I do not feel like I am a stan. I can think for myself, I don't follow the crowd, I don't kiss ANYONE'S a$$, & even if I "like someone" (Johanne for example), I have no problem saying if I disagree with with something they've said or done. Anything I say or do is because I feel like it's right & not because I think I may gain something from it. And that's the exact point of my original ask. I know that if I were to post lovey dovey posts of the two of them that it's not getting me anywhere with either of them. I also know if I posted something calling her out on her BS, it's also not gaining me any props from anyone here who disagrees with how she's represented herself. And when I say I'm usually smarter than this, I meant it. I feel rather intelligent but obviously not brilliant & I know I have lots I can still learn in this lifetime. However, something about this ridiculous feeling I have when it comes to Alex makes me feel very F@%KING insane! And I, otherwise, feel like I'm definitely not! So I hope you can understand, I'm seriously NOT trying to make you or anyone else feel like I'm trying to talk negatively about you in some sort of sincerely twisted way. I'm seriously here, pouring my heart out, because I don't know anyone in my personal life who would even understand WTF I'm even talking about, let along be able to give me any suggestions.

Now, to the admin, wow! Your response sincerely moved me & really brought tears to my eyes! I know very little about parasocial relationships & have only heard about it in relation to this Fandom (go figure) so thank you for linking the article (that I haven't yet read but will) & for your feedback. I am usually pretty self aware & I think that's exactly what is freaking me out because I know, from the mixed feelings I've been having lately, that something is CLEARLY very off for these types of things to be bothering me but at the same time, not bothering me. Does that make any sense? Lol I know better. Yet, I can't control it. I try. I discuss this with the one friend in the Fandom that I have but I've still come up with no real explanation. And you, my dear, sweet knowledgeable admin, have given me lots of food for thought & I thank you! Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I don't quite think I need professional help just YET lol but I definitely see that almost anything could tip that cup in that direction quite easily. And just so you & anyone else who MAY feel a bit concerned, know, I'm NOT at risk of doing anything stupid like hurting myself {or anyone else lmao} due to all these ridiculous issues. I love me way too much. It's just that I recognize some of what I've been feeling isn't really that "normal," & when I've searched deep within & asked myself why it's happening, I have been unsuccessful. I'm happy to hear this can be something that others experience, too, because quite frankly, I sometimes feel SO D*MN alone! I do know there's some good from all of this because I have made a bond with the friend I mentioned above because of Alex.

I guess, ultimately, my issues really have nothing to do with Alex, his life, his gf, or happiness with her at all but honestly, everything to do with me, myself and I'm projecting my thoughts of how things should be onto to him, the object of my affection. & yes, how we see him at conventions definitely doesn't help anything.

Maybe I should have written this all out in a private message to you & not here for everyone to read, but honestly, maybe the responses from you & anyone who doesn't think I'm trying out "a different angle" can be helpful to others as well. Sorry this is so long but thank you from the deepest pit of my soul for posting the other ask & for your advice & helpful information. I just may end up sending you a private message before long (& I hear over half the people here saying, "Oh thank God!" as they yawn. Haha)

Thank you for everything & I promise not to bother you guys with this any longer!

And P.S.

I hope you all understand how serious I am now. (& yes, seriously crazy, too. But at least I can laugh at myself!)

Anon to anon. 😊

As for me, I’m really glad my response was somewhat helpful. Rest assured that you’re definitely not insane nor are you alone in this, anon. Your feelings are valid, and I truly admire you for being so self aware of them and bringing up such an important discussion, especially in the context of a fandom. Parasocial relationships are very common, especially nowadays, and even encouraged by the industry who sees them as profitable. So I feel it’s important for people to understand what they are and why we get caught up in such relationships, their benefits (like making new friends, like you mentioned), but also their darkest side. So thank you too. 😊 And if you (or anyone else) ever need someone to listen, I’m always a message away.

[queerfox-tales]

* wandering thoughts rant related to what's happening with a certain wizard game out *

After so many posts made regarding the Harry Potter game coming out and how the person that created the series is harming the trans community, the game finally came out. I haven't seen myself many people talking about playing it but I have seen a couple and I'm not sure how to feel. A lot of people don't even realise that by buying the game, they're indirectly giving her money. One of the posts I saw was from such a person. I was surprised that they had gotten the game and made a comment. They thought that the creator only made money from the books. So now they know better but unfortunately the indirect support was still given. It's hard to hold it against them when they didn't understand the connection. Then I saw a post by someone defending themselves saying buying a game means nothing about sharing the same views. I commented and the person switched their argument to pretending they didn't know what they were supporting. *sarcasm* Ya, ok, obviously you're defending yourself for something you had no idea you did; totally makes sense. So that person clearly doesn't care and does support the creator to some degree.

Part of me wants to think about my society and how we're not taught the consequences of the companies/people we give our money to but mostly, when it comes down to it, people just don't care as long as something cost less or is cool. So my mind connects the situation to Disney and some of the political moves I've heard them making in the ... I can't remember if it was mainly Florida or U.S.A. but either way, they've been supporting legislation to harm the gay, and maybe even the whole queer, community.

I have a friend who's obsessed with Disney. I don't know if she knew about the Disney political stuff before I told her but she does now and hasn't stopped giving them money nor plans on stopping. It's confusing. I don't know how to feel.

The stuff I see on social media doesn't help. Half the people saying to stop supporting Disney one month are themselves raving about a new Disney show the next month. Plus there's the people, gay and not, giving Disney all this credit for finally admitting someone was gay in a movie or a show. Gay people are cheering on Disney and making them out to be a hero even though some are also fully aware of the political moves by them. It's so confusing. How am I supposed to be against everyone supporting Disney? It seems I'd have to hate like a majority of people, including gay people.

I still feel weird about the situation with my friend. It does hurt but I'm not sure if I want to end the friendship over it. Disney is a big part of her but mostly, and I know it's an excuse, I've just had so much worse in life. My mother is the kind of person who would force me into those conversion camps if she knew and had the money. I constantly have that over my head until I can be truly free from my parents. I haven't had friends who would physically harm me for any reason, especially being queer, but most have been abusive or just crappy. I'm down to 2 friends so letting another go isn't something I want to do but at the same time, ... I don't know. Back to the stuff before, what am I going to do? Stop talking to her for loving something sold by a company that she now knows financially supports hurting a group of people for being "different"? A company seemingly supported by half the gay community and given all the credit for gay representation as if no other show had ever done it or even tried?

Just thinking about it makes everything seem hopeless. The power and support that company has. And it won't ever go away. They're literally being supported by those they're destroying. I've even seen posts by gay people telling me to be thankful for what "Disney has done for us" "what they've given us". It's madness. The damn company is trying to remove their rights and they're bowing to the company and begging them to represent them more. Is this what society wants? To have some trait of theirs represented in popular cartoons even at the cost of their rights? This is their rights! Do people not understand or honestly not care? Media representation isn't going to do sh*t if it becomes illegal to do anything even perceived as gay in public or in one's own home again.

So ya, I'm just confused what to do. I still think it's wrong to knowingly support these companies and creators. It does say something about the person even if it's just that they don't care. But am I supposed to hate everyone that gives them money in some way? Everyone who chooses to beg Disney to add more queer characters or keep current queer shows rather than ask another big network to do it? You know, a network that hasn't been shown to financially support removing the rights of the same groups asking to be represented.

I feel like I'm fighting the group I want to defend. I've been in that position before in a much smaller context. It makes me want to just do nothing cuz I end up attacked by "both sides". I'm not strong enough to fight off both the ones hurting us and us. What am I supposed to do?

[galactiquest]

Wow, it's almost been two years since I last posted on this self-ship/self-insert blog.

Some people might think I moved on from the whole self-ship thing, and, well, I haven't. I've still got a laundry list of kissable characters, that'll probably never change. I've been posting on other platforms, which has been easier than keeping a consistent blog up (I was really struggling with consistency in 2020, now that I'm a bit more... stable, I could probably achieve that on a blog).

I think the real reason I stopped this blog is because of the expectations of a good chunk of the self-ship community.

Now, I get it. The idea of self-ship in general may be kind of "cringe" to the average joe (but I could also say that most anyone has done it if they ever had fantasies as a teenager). It's hard to be out and open about it. But there's a huge divide between getting requests for writing and actually communicating with peers.

I'll level with anyone who wasn't aware--reigenquest used to be part self-ship, part request taking (it was under a different user back then) and I got requests on the daily. I think the most I ever got was 20-30 requests sitting in my ask box at once. Do you know how many times people asked about myself, about my own self-ships...?

A few times. I've had maybe two people maximum, who I did not know beforehand(!) who were willing to ask me about my journey, my story, even indulge me in a few fantasies. And, of course, the occasional friend who was also somewhat involved in self-shipping who would indulge me right back.

There's a lot of give-and-take in this community. But I felt like I was giving so much, and not getting very much back at all. Anyone here remember that F/O takeover day? I got, maybe, three asks maximum from that day. And I had to beg for it. At first I got no asks, because I wasn't taking requests.

It really ate away at my passion for the blog. I wanted to use reigenquest as a way to connect with the community in a semi-anonymous way, even discuss self-ships with others even if they wanted to hide behind an anonymous ask. But no one wanted to hear about me... and it hurt!

So, let's level.

Hi, my name is Jason, or you may have seen the nickname Host on some websites. I'm 20 years old. I'm working on a degree in Computer Science. And I am so full of love for so many characters that it's hard to keep track of...

I'm thinking I'm going to refresh this blog, since I finally have the energy to do so, but this time I'm hoping that maybe the community will ask to connect with me a little more. This blog is just shy of 500 followers (quite a lot for me!) and a lot of them are leftover from the days when I wrote for, ah... a certain fandom I kinda sorta don't want to be connected with anymore (it happens).

And to the few friends, or, well, just one friend I made through this blog--I'm sorry about the radio silence. I hope you've been well.

TL;DR: The self-ship community needs to take care of each other. It's difficult when you give scenarios, writing, etc. to others, but rarely get much back. Please please please just be kind to each other, even if you can only give a little back.

[masterkohgaiscool]

IGNORE THISSS I'M JUST ORGANIZING MY FRUSTRATED THOUGHTS

I'm gonna vent about that one time my ex friend really upset me when we were roleplaying!! Because it's suddenly in my mind and it won't leave so I gotta talk about it!!! RAWR Yeah so Content Warning for discussions of Hypersexuality and sexual topics in general ig?? Read at your own risk pookies

So my ex friend and I, when we were still talking, we partook in erp, like... every single day. (They were usually the one who started it. I hated it most of the time and never told them, I'm not gonna pretend like my lack of communication wasn't a massive issue in our relationship.)

Well, at one point I roleplayed as my fav character from one of my favorite games. It was a sort of AU version of him, we'll call him L, and in my AU he's touch repulsed, yet at the same time hypersexual (unknowingly, and I wanted it to be a focus/self discovery for him at some point in the rp. It never happened). Honestly, he was originally supposed to be completely asexual, but because my friend would often depict him in nsfw scenarios and included him in their fantasies I felt indirectly pressured into do the same.

This is all context leading up to the part that genuinely pissed me off: me and my ex friend had previously talked about hypersexuality, and we both agreed that we suffer from it. I came to that conclusion for myself YEARS before they even found the term, and I've done extensive research to make sure I wasn't calling myself the wrong thing).

It's why I made L hypersexual in my AU, though to a more subtle degree that is never outright said. He RARELY partakes in acts of physical intimacy, but when he does, in the moment, he enjoys it and gets a little out of control. Afterwards? He feels *sick.* Like he just committed a massive wrong and hates that he even did it, which makes him revert back to having periods where he refuses physical affection or touch of any kind.

Now I'm going to give context to what exactly happened and why to this day I'm still upset and irritated:

In my friend and I's roleplay, L partook in a spontaneous in-the-moment act of deep intimacy. Afterwards, in a surprising display of affection, he offered to carry my ex friend's sona to the bathhouse to get washed. As he delicately scrubbed them down, their sona squeezed in a couple of affectionate kisses, which L accepted.

They agreed they needed to spend more time together. Cut to L and the Sona going on a walk to have a deeper discussion. Now, I will say L was definitely an asshole. He is powerful and immortal, and saw plain mortals as beneath him (because of course he would, he's a God and in the grand scheme of things power could get to anyone's head and make them think they're above certain things. My ex friend even agreed that this is a reasonable trope.)

But in L's case, his godhood was a crutch, a safety net for him to lean into when he gets scared or uncomfortable with things he doesn't understand (in this case he isn't aware that his hypersexual nature and combined touch repulsion are making it hard for him to fully commit to being with them, especially in this moment when he feels guilty and disgusted with himself for being sexual with them previously). In this moment, my ex friend's sona tried to lean in once again for a kiss while they were on their walk- but this time L denied it, and masked his fear and anxiety with haughtiness and a display of arrogance.

Their Sona said "I'm confused, you won't let me kiss you now but you put your [redacted] in my [redacted]" (don't wanna be TOO detailed here). L doesn't understand himself completely, but what he DOES understand is that this situation is making him uncomfortable. When he's uncomfortable, he feels anxious, and he hates feeling anxious, so his response was avoidant. At first he gave the excuse of 'I like playing hard to get, you were a mortal before so it was easier but now that we're on the same level (Gods) I'm going to be difficult', which wasn't exactly what he said but it was along those lines.

This led to an argument, with my ex friend's Sona accusing L of using their body specifically for pleasure and not actually caring about them. L, confused as to where this assumption came from and frustrated that his mask and anxiety was getting in the way of finding happiness with their Sona, decides to show a bit of vulnerability and expresses that his initial reasoning was not actually truthful. He confides in them in that moment, telling them there are times where sexual or even romantic intimacy is very difficult for him and makes him feel icked out, and that he doesn't understand why he's like this.

To which they then accuse that statement to be bullshit.

I. Was. Furious.

There are moments where the things their Sona says reflects how they feel irl. Such an example being: an OC of mine called her lover (their OC) her best friend, and their OC got so upset and offended by that statement that he ran away to cry. Their Sona then came in, and *lectured* my OC about how people who are in love can't be best friends at the same time because it 'implies you value your partner less.' Which is so fucking untrue, and it made me angry that time too because I was raised and taught that your lover in life IS your best friend because they'd stick by your side no matter what. And it felt like it wasn't my OC getting lectured, it felt like my ex friend was lecturing ME for MY beliefs.

That is exactly how this situation felt, and I could tell immediately that they genuinely felt like his explanation wasn't valid reasoning. I projected my hypersexuality onto a character I controlled, and my ex friend's sona called it bullshit. The way L experiences hypersexuality is the way I experience it too- the only difference is that I'm not touch repulsed. I love physical affection, hugs and hand holding and kisses, I even crave it. But sometimes I get SUPER uncomfortable and physically cannot bring myself to commit to any of those things, negatively affecting my irl relationships because my hypersexuality gets in the way of having normal romantic interactions with others.

It didn't help that their Sona buckled down and made L out to be the bad guy for feeling how he feels, when honestly I think he was the more rational one in that situation. That L had to be lectured and told his genuine feelings and experiences are bullshit, that his existence is fucking WRONG and that he needs to be rejected and punished for it. Because in that case, MY experiences with hypersexual lows are wrong and invalid and bullshit.

I should've told them how that hurt me, but I didn't. I struggle a lot with confrontation and asserting my feelings where they're needed, but in that moment I felt so rejected and uncared for. This whole experience, along with a bunch of other instances, made me feel uncomfortable in talking to my ex friend and just stop talking to them altogether. I regret not being more vocal, but it's too late now because it's been months since I've gone no contact, and I still harbor all this frustration and anger. I don't think I'll ever see them the same way ever again.

[chenxhen]

Being Above Average but of Average Social Standing

The Tao that can be trodden is not the enduring and unchanging Tao. The Tao-Path is not the All-Tao. The Name is not the Thing named. - Laozi, Tao Te Ching

I know I'm intelligent. I've never done an IQ test, because I believe it's just another unnecessary box people are placed into. But, growing up, I've been told by teachers and other intelligent people that I'm intelligent. I've always thought school was too easy, and was recommended into gifted programs. Everything from Math to English, I was either top of the class or close to the top. And I know I'm intelligent as well. I see it in the way I think and convey my thoughts. 

Apart from academic excellence, I also have many talents. My parents were very adamant on making me a "cultured" individual. I was placed into various extracurricular classes ever since I was four or five years old. Dance, visual arts, and vocal lessons were the ones I enjoyed the most, and also the ones that came most naturally to me. I also love to read and write prose and poetry. I grew up performing, and honing these skills. I'm very self-critical (another quality of intelligence), so I would always try to improve. I believe in the capacity of any human being to be able to do what any other human being can do. Of course, there are certain limitations resulting from our genes, but we're still all human beings. If one tries hard enough, the limits are boundless. 

I'm also quite good-looking. I've received many compliments, and I'm very confident in my appearance. I also dress well, work out, and take care of myself to maintain my appearance. 

And to add on top of all of this, I'm not a boring prude either. I know how to have fun. I'm quite witty, and I love to be silly. 

Now, I'm not saying all of this to boast. I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly not the best at everything. I can't play an instrument, sometimes it takes me a while to feel the beat of a song, I don't speak the most eloquently, and I certainly don't have model-like good looks. I'm aware of this. I see when other people are better in these ways. I always compliment people where they deserve to be. I was raised to be modest, humble, and to see the good in others. I'm just very well-rounded, and as a whole above average. 

Why does this matter, and why am I speaking on all of this? Well, despite excelling in many ways, I come from a very humble family, finances wise. As a result, my opportunities in life were always limited. Another crutch to this reality is that I'm a first generation immigrant. My parents and I came to Canada in 2007, after I had just completed first grade in China. We came here with very little money, and my parents had to restart their lives. They worked lower middle class or working class jobs to make ends meet. Our connections were limited to people in these sectors of society as well. The focus was always on making more money and climbing up the social ladder. This is why going to a good university, getting a good degree, a good job, and making a lot of money is so important to us. However, it created many problems for my up-bringing. 

My family was dysfunctional, the pressure was on me to dig us out of a hole I wasn't a part of digging, and I had very few friends. I had nothing material to show for my excellence. I'm also a female, with quite the baby face. People like to judge. Humans are superficial. And we create expectations of others in our minds out of these incorrect prejudices. When people first look at me, they more often than not think I'll be a weak, demure, and simple girl. They won't expect me to have all the abilities I hold. Whenever there's a disconnect between a person's expectations and realities, discomfort arises. It triggers a fight or flight response, because there's a sense of unfamiliarity and fear. The disconnect I cause in people's minds is probably quite great. People either love me or hate me because of it. All of this meant I had very little support from the people I most wanted support from - my family and my peers. I was intimidating to most people my age, and my family had very little time or money to spare me. 

As a result, I've always felt pressured to prove myself. There has always been such a great weight on my shoulders to do anything that would show people just how great I am, and what I can achieve beyond people's expectations of me. Eventually, I became drained. It's not easy when I'm able to see past what's in front of me and onto the bigger picture. I'm constantly helping others, when I lack the most support. I won't lie, some of this I did create for myself, because people just don't stimulate my brain enough, or aren't able to match up to me, and I don't feel comfortable asking those I consider "weaker" than me for help. 

At the age of 18, I began losing my mind to it all. I had very little friends - if any I considered close, I wasn't doing what I wanted, and I became depressed. I had just gotten into university, but it quickly dawned on me that this wasn't what I wanted at all. I was doing all of this in search of something that was in actuality meaningless to me. I don't care about money or status. All I want is to live a simple life, and let the days pass me by stress-free. I transferred out of several university programs, dropped out completely, and went to college instead. It made me feel incredibly insecure. Now I had absolutely nothing to show for who I am on the inside. I was back at square one. It felt like my life was starting over. This feeling only brought me down more. I felt like a failure, and I began to lose my way. 

Today, I'm settling back into who I am. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. The future seems incredibly uncertain, but there's one thing I'm incredibly certain of -  who I am and my value. I'm incredibly valuable. It sucks that most people just won't ever see that. But, I have accepted it for what it is. Society is made for the average person, and those who are on par with me will see me for all that I am. I just have to continue to be my best self, and hope for a future where I'm not taken for granted. Results are what matter, not the journey. 

If you are average, I'm telling you to be grateful for being average. It's the luckiest thing a person can be in this society. However, I won't ever dumb myself down to fit in. The results will be shown in my satisfaction with life, and self-actualization (a little Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs reference to end this off). 

Best to everyone. 

Love, Chenchen ♡

[cinnamonest]

Yandere Profile - Scaramouche

Yes I’m finally posting it lol, I had this sitting around a while actually and was hoping we'd get more info or anything on my boy, but since it looks like that's not happening anytime soon and I’ve had it done, I'll just go ahead and post

That and I kept asking myself "Man is this it? Is this the limit of too gross and dark for it to be searchable?" but meh. I'm sure eventually we'll get more info and I'll have to edit or redo this but oh well, I felt like writing a super sadistic bastard so. For one thing I don't think it's confirmed? But I'm still going with the idea he's electro vision.

EDIT: this is circulating a lot again. Please note this was made prior to version 2.0.

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Tws: fem reader, sadism, ns/f/w themes/mentions, manipulation, derogatory offensive language, mutilation, psychological torture, a LOT of physical and emotional abuse, bone breaking, detailed branding, scarification/cutting, mentions of murder, referenced trying to hurt yourself, descriptions of torture to a third party, brief descriptions of violence and gore and very brief mentions of eye/decapitation related stuff on a third party. Scara's just.... very awful lol

Tws (ns//fw section): noncon, severe sadism, d/s content, nonconsensual masochistic conditioning, degradation, anal, public humiliation, cockwarming, petplay, it's just... bad

This is definitely the darkest/most brutal one I've done by a pretty good margin, so, I just feel like I should warn that in case dark yandere isn't your thing.

The whole thing is really long (longest one yet yay) so I'm putting the whole thing under a cut, with a ====== line to divide the sfw and ns//fw sections.

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Severity Scale

Intelligence/Perceptiveness: 7

Brutality: 10

Physical capability: 6

Mental/emotional instability: 3

Restrictiveness: 6

Sexual sadism: 11

Stubbornness: 9.5

What are they generally like? Lucid, aware? Obsessive? How do they behave?

Bastard.

Honestly? A lot of his bullshit is defensive, he's basically an extra-mean tsundere that will also happen to rip limbs off of people who look at you the wrong way. Quite literally a case of, "it's not like I like you or anything," which he tells both you and himself.

I mean, what were you expecting. The man is not regarded as a particularly nice person.

Nonetheless, liking you will inevitably come through in certain moments, the mask of apathy for you comes off when necessary, and what comes through instead is an insane degree of possessiveness and defensiveness. It most likely starts with someone else insulting you or getting mad at you, perhaps a Fatui darling that fucks up and some other superior starts yelling at you -- can't have that. Only he's allowed to yell at you, he's the only person that can make you cry and apologize and cower like that, and he has... low self-control. He'll absolutely get pissed and publicly blow up at the other person, making a scene that actually has some benefits, as it will deter everyone who witnesses it from ever being mean to you. Honestly, his meanness is somewhat made up by the fact that literally everyone else will be incredibly nice to you  (when you are both given permission to interact), if for nothing else but fear of his wrath.

As far as who, it's likely one of two roles, first, an underling or direct subordinate as mentioned above, perhaps some kind of assistant. Second, more likely, someone who did meet him for a few moments, but in a rather... negative encounter. An enemy he was sent to deal with perhaps, someone he maybe almost got to fight but they ran away, like a coward. Someone who got in the way of him and a target. It's an instinct, really, like escaped prey, to chase after it.

Does he know your name? Because it's... questionable, given that he never calls you by it, instead opting for some rather derogatory, even offensive pet names with even more derogatory adjectives. Namely sexualized, y'know, things like that, the occasional "fucktoy" or "cumslut" later on. And it's wise not to get upset over it, because if you show any anger over it, he'll just intentionally get even worse and meaner. Again, it's all part of a defense mechanism, because God forbid you get the impression that he enjoys being around you. He'll also come up with a mean name based on a physical trait of yours. And... it's somewhat creative, at least. Something derogatory, but it's.... personalized, so, at least that's, well... affectionate? Examples include things such as four-eyes for a glasses-wearer, cow tits for the larger-chested, dumbass for a spacey, inattentive darling.

In a perpetual effort to degrade you as much as possible, he also expects you to respond to whistles and tongue-clicking, you know, the sound you make to call dogs and horses? Well, that sound is for you too, add in a "come here" finger motion sometimes -- all while not bothering to even look up from what he's doing. He could use words, but, that's more effort than he should have to put in, and you should be well-trained enough to know you're supposed to come when you hear that sound.

Another thing is that from the get-go, you get collared. It's degrading, it's possessive, it's humiliating, it's everything he likes inflicting on you. It's made for humans, so it has a lock and key, it's too tight to pull it over your head, and it's solid leather and can't be easily cut. So you're not getting out of it easily. It's not a sex thing, he insists, even though it clearly is and you will openly accuse him of it. He'll admit to it eventually. But it does have it's practical purposes as well. It can't be taken off, and it has his name and the Fatui's symbols on it, so even if you should get out and seek help from some kind of law enforcement or locals, the moment they see your collar they'll just drag you back.

And for someone who always insists you're bothering him, you will find he is actually rather... clingy. Before you know it, you're spending every second of your day with the man. Let's be real, given some of the shit going on within the Fatui, they're not gonna care that one of their highest ranking individuals has, well, more or less a slave. People will turn a blind eye. They don't care if he brings you with him. And like a good pet, you'll just sit quietly tethered to a desk. All day. He'd rather that than leave you at home. If you complain enough, he'll get you something to do, some kind of paper and pencil or a puzzle or the like, tells you to do that and not bother him. But he insists on you being with him.  And likewise, the clinginess continues even in living quarters. If he's working on something, he expects you to stay in the same room. If you're in one room and try to run off to the kitchen or bedroom or whatever, you get a glare and a where the fuck do you think you're going?

You actually end up spending, unfortunately, almost more time with him than any other yan, because he insists on taking you to work every single day, whether that's in a headquarters or elsewhere, even on trips/missions, you can just hang around nearby within sight if there's any fighting. He has no need to hide you, since everyone knows about you, and he has enough power to not be challenged by bringing you wherever he wants, so he quite literally keeps you by his side, perpetually, 24/7. How... sweet.

How likely are they to kidnap their darling? How quickly will they do so?

For a subordinate darling, though, you're right there, so it's not hard. He just tells you you can't leave, and you're going to be changing your living quarters to his. In fact, he already had some other underlings go to your residence and move some of your things. If you should resist, well, you know your family information is on your employment records, right? Would be such a shame if anything happened to them. He doesn't try to hide it very much, makes the threat pretty obvious with no hint of subtleness.

for any other darling, well, kidnapping is for pathetic people, and he's not one, he thinks. He's too obsessive over self image -- if he kidnaps you, that would make it seem like he likes you, or, archons forbid, even needs you. Can't have that.

Thankfully, there is a useful alternative. It's called, "passive aggressively threatening financial ruin, great harm and even death upon your loved ones unless you do as you are told." See, he doesn't have to resort to pathetic measures like kidnapping. You come willingly. Nor does he get you himself, he's above that. Sure, he might... feel the urge to, but again, he has an image to maintain, you know. Going to fetch his new pet is a task delegated to underlings.

Which is something you honestly might want to thank your lucky stars for, because they're far too afraid of consequences to be rough about it. If you showed up with bruises or cuts, who knows what could happen to them if they marred and defiled his toy with their disgusting hands. So, they're very... gentle. Honestly, the poor things might get you with pity, that if you don't come back with them, it's their job, wellbeing, even life on the line, so hey, maybe you could do the right, empathetic thing and come with them? Maybe you can talk him out of it, and save both of you! (They know that's impossible, but they say so anyway).

For the one-time-encounter darling, at first you're not even sure who they're talking about or what's going on, you're confused and think maybe they have the wrong person? Unfortunately once you're there, once they shove you into a room and slam the doors behind you, you have the oh no, I remember this guy moment. Because, well, how could you forget him? Now you're actually nervous, because they're not very clear at first as to why you're there, only that you're being detained by their forces, so you might think the Fatui would like to kill you, but that doesn't make sense since they brought you all the way here. Maybe interrogation? No, that doesn't make sense either.

He feigns apathy. Again, can't make it seem like you're, you know, important. It's more of an oh, yeah, almost forgot that you were coming sort of attitude. Like you're wasting his time, as if you weren't the one practically dragged here. He's doing some kind of paperwork (not really, he's just holding a pen and pretending to read the paper), and doesn't bother looking up for more than a moment. You're already asking questions, perhaps angrily, perhaps meekly, depending on the personality. If it's the former, he might snap and glare at you and snarl about it, if it's the latter, he'll just shoot you a glare to get you to be quiet.

Says, simply, he's decided that you posed... an obstacle before. An annoyance. You're not worth the trouble you caused before, and he'll make sure you don't get in his way again. He's gracious enough to not kill you, since he thinks you have some potential for a different purpose. You'll be like... a slave. Pet. Toy. Whichever word you like best. You start today and it's indefinite, so get used to it.

He says it so matter-of-factly and calmly, apathetically, that you're almost not certain you heard right, so you blink and stare and ask sorry, what? And he groans and rolls his eyes and tells you to listen because in the future he's not going to be repeating things for you, and tells you again.

You protest? Ok, maybe he'll just actually kill you, then? Sound good? No? Then why bother saying anything? You should have known that was the alternative. Of course, he wouldn't actually kill you, but, you don't exactly know that, and this guy certainly looks and sounds like he wouldn't hesitate. So... have fun.

How difficult is it to escape from them? How do they keep you restrained? How do they deal with attempted escape?

He's going to have you under constant, live surveillance every waking second of your life, so, it's not exactly easy. Given his position, he can easily persuade anyone to let him bring you with him to whatever work he has to do. He keeps you collared and tethered to the desk, most of the time. And he prefers you to be under his surveillance, but if he absolutely needs to leave he will leave you under the care of guards, and it's never a long window of time. Most of said guards value their lives and know the man well enough to know they had better keep a very good eye on you.

Your only real chance is when you get the newbie guard, the one who doesn't know better and might get distracted. If you're willing to throw said guard under the bus, you stand a slight chance of getting out into the main buildings, and even then, you have to make your way out of one of the most heavily guarded, likely walled-in buildings in Teyvat, out into the very difficult to survive wilderness. It's actually not a great idea. You'll most likely end up caught by guards even if you make it out of the initial room, and as you can imagine, your course of actions has not gone over well with your captor, who they drag you back to, likely kicking and screaming because you know you do not want to face his wrath.

It's not pretty. Escape attempts are a very high-ranking offense in his mind, and even worse, you've made a fool of yourself and reflected poorly on him. You'll most likely have a broken bone by the end of it. He doesn't really think out punishments for this very much, he just acts on angry impulse, which at the time might be snapping one or two of your fingers, or a kick to the stomach that cracks a rib. It won't be too severe of broken bones, thankfully, he won't break your legs or arms... not just yet, at least.

How easy are they to trick, deceive, or manipulate?

Ok actually... you'd be surprised that it's easier than you think. You see, you'll find that a lot of particularly cruel, mean-spirited people often don't have the best socialization skills, as people tend to fear them so much and dislike engaging with them that they don't get a lot of conversational exchanges beyond barking orders and dominating any exchanges, and consequently, as well as due to people's fear of them, have difficulty telling when someone is lying, being sarcastic, or reading subtle things like body language and facial expressions.

As a result, you can lie to him, and he's more easily fooled by acting than you'd expect, although it's still difficult, it's just no next-to-impossible. But I mean, really, the question is more... is it really worth the risk? Because you'll suffer if you get caught. Managing to trick him is kinda humiliating on his end, and he doesn't exactly take kindly to people making a fool out of him.  It's an insult to his pride, so, consequences are more severe than just regular misbehavior. Basically the more an offense humiliates him or makes him insecure, the more he'll lash out at you as a result. Lying or any kind of deception is a very severe offense on his internal ranking. Basically, lying is only really worth it if you're planning an escape and are fairly confident you can pull it off.

Manipulation isn't really possible. What, you promise you'll behave better if you get this or that? And you think that'll persuade him? Hah. Don't try it. He actually gets mad if you try that sort of thing. Any exchange like that, you see, gives you a semblance of some sort of power, which is unacceptable. Why give you an inch of your way when he can just brutalize his way into getting you to do whatever he wants? That being said, he might come up with things on his own to pacify or appease you if you annoy him in general, but won't listen to your "deals" -- so really, if you want something, it's smarter to express interest in that thing at some point, then go and annoy him in general -- he's much more likely to think of that thing and get you what you want, whereas if you ask for it directly in exchange for not being such a brat, he'll say no.

How lenient are they? What privileges can you have, and what will you be denied?

Initially not a lot, he doesn't want to waste money on anything for you, but soon realizes you can be very, very annoying while he's trying to work, and you're so bored that you're willing to take the consequences of being annoying. He hates to give in to the "if you give me stuff to do I won't bother you" thing because it feels like giving in to you, but, eventually if you pester him enough he'll cave and get your something to do from his own idea, but as aforementioned, not a direct deal made with you.

So, eventually, you'll get things to do. Books, paper and pencils, anything that works if you give him some peace and quiet.

As far as roaming, though, absolutely not. You start off not leashed to anything, but if you try some shit once, you'll have your collar leashed up and tethered. During meetings, you obviously can't leave. And any roaming, really, would be breaking the "don't leave my line of sight" rule. Really, he gets upset even if you move around the room too much, prefers you stay still.

It's a stretch to call it lenience, but you go where he goes, so you do get some outings. Even if you don't want them, because again, you go where he goes.

What kind of rules do they have? What kind of punishment would they use?

Rules are simple actually, because a simple rule encompasses a lot. He tells you very plainly from the start: "Don't piss me off."

Of course, poor darling has to get some elaboration on that, so he sighs and groans but clarifies and it turns out there are, in fact, many rules. Do everything you are told, do it when he says it, and don't complain. Don't avoid him. Don't speak without permission. Don't backtalk him or give him an attitude. Stay within his sight at all times. Don't speak to anyone that's not him, and don't look them in the eye. Call him "Master." "Sir" will suffice occasionally. If he calls you over, don't take you time, you should move as fast as you can. ...He keeps going on for a while. This is, obviously, a much further extent than it initially seemed, but he doesn't seem to have much leniency, so you try to listen carefully.

Most importantly. You will take everything he has to give without fighting back, and at the end, you'll thank him. While saying this rule, he actually bothers to look up from his work and look you in the eye, and you know he's very serious about it.

For simple punishments, it's not so much that he intends to do horrible things, it's more that he gets into more or less a tantrum and gets so mad he lashes out on instinct without thinking it over. Expect a lot of simple beatings -- slapped in the face, some hair pulled out, a combination of both is common, where he just grabs you by the hair and smacks you around. Shoves you to the ground, kicks you while you're down there. Spits in your face. Chokes you on the collar, chokes you with his hand until you black out. He'll wait for you to recover on that last one, after all, you have to say your "thank you" at the end.

As aforementioned, escape attempts are a high-ranking offense, but not quite worth severely broken bones to him. However, this changes if they become repetitive. This is the fourth time now, so maybe you don't need that ankle too much.

However, the actual worst offense is trying to harm him or yourself. Hurt yourself, and you'll find yourself unable to. He'll make sure you come to appreciate life with him a little more, let's see how you like constant restraint, 24/7 bound and tied to a chair or the bed. This might also get a wrist or fingers broken, to prevent you from hurting yourself.

But raise a hand against the man and you'll genuinely, truly suffer. It's a combination, you get a little bit of everything, an all in one deal -- one offense, receive every type of punishment free! But if this happens again, he decides to do something a little more... permanent.

In order to reach this point, you'd have to be particularly bad for a pretty long streak of time. Repeated escapes, repeated attacks, repeated misbehavior, and you just don't seem to learn, so, he'll just have to remind you of your place, and he feels the best way to do that is leaving a mark. Oh, and probably the most physically traumatic experience of your life, that aspect will help it sink in.

He might not be able to do all of them with a respective vision, but that doesn't mean he can't just mark you in a few of the old-fashioned ways! In fact, you get the choice. That's part of the psychological torture of it all, having to pick and choose the details of your suffering, the way your heart pounds and the way you whimper and sob and the fact that you've never seen him look quite so giddy, as if high on the very notions of your pain. There's one he can do on his own, though. Have you ever seen the scars of someone who's been struck by lightning? They're pretty. He thinks something like that would look so nice etched out on your skin. Unfortunately you'd have to be shocked a couple of times for several seconds at a time to be permanent, but he'll give you something to bite down on if you'd like.

If you don't like that, he can brand you the old-fashioned way with a fire and iron. It would take a bit longer, and he'll very intentionally drag out the process. What kind of design do you want? There's a few. Do you want it on your front or your back? Left side or right? Chest, shoulders, hips? You should be grateful, he's here giving you options and you're just sitting there blubbering? If you don't hurry up and answer, he'll just have to give you more than one.

Or if both of those options aren't good enough, there's another alternative. Carving into you like a piece of meat. It could be his name, or a design, maybe. He could write it down your thigh. Across your stomach. On your chest. Don't worry, he's cut into enough people to know how to not to go too deep, just on the surface is enough to scar.

Speaking of not going to deep, notably, he will never actually do anything that puts your life at risk, or impacts your... health? Obviously the pain and scars aren't healthy, but to elaborate, he won't starve you, and he won't choke you beyond the point of blacking out. If he does cut you, it's with you so heavily restrained you cannot move in any capacity -- no chance of you thrashing and making it go too deep, gags you so you don't accidentally bite into your tongue and bleed out. He's actually... oddly vigilant about making sure he doesn't accidentally kill you.

He also won't isolate you, well, not physically. This is more for him than you, although he won't say so, he doesn't like you being physically out of his sight or away from him. Instead, he gives you... emotional isolation, tells you not to speak to him, pretends you're not there, won't respond to you calling out to him. It's actually a bit more hurtful in a way, but you'll never get the whole "locked alone in a room for a week without contact" punishment that some yanderes pull. He's too needy for that.

How do they deal with rivals, or perceived rivals? Will they get rid of them? Will they kill them themselves, or find another way?

You see, it's your fault. Even if it isn't.

No, it really doesn't matter what you did or didn't do, it's still your fault that someone else shows you attention. You probably seduced them somehow, looked at them with those lustful eyes when he wasn't looking, or you held your body in a way that people would look at. So, it's ultimately your fault, and you will get punished for it, but although you are the root cause, you're not the worst offender -- the other party is still far, far worse.

Because by now anyone should know better. You'd have to be stupid or just have a death wish, because realistically everyone will look the other way if he quite literally kills a low-rank.

And to be fair, he might actually be wrong. He's actually really paranoid about this, and he takes the slightest of things and blows them out of proportion. Maybe that guy that he says looked at you the wrong way wasn't even looking at you at all. He imagines things and will definitely at some point accuse someone completely innocent of something they didn't do. Or he might be right, they did look at you, speak to you, but it was just a glance, just a simple question, but that doesn't matter. They still did it (and you, you probably encouraged it, didn't you?).

If you are the one saying it, though, complaining about sexual harassment from one of the guards or something, well, then he's more brutal, and doesn't hold anything back. He will, simply, kill them. No life-ruining, no framing for crimes, he's actually very direct and simple when it comes to rivalry because who needs indirect methods when you have enough status to just off the bastard?

Now, if it's someone from back home, a boyfriend or such that you keep whining about, because he doesn't know what happened to me! He's probably worried! Fine. He agrees to send people to inform him of what happened, he says, he promises he'll get them to tell him what happened to you, after all it's not like the guy could do anything about it. He feigns irritation at best, rolls his eyes, but inside it actually sets him off like nothing else. Eats him alive inside. He's right here and here you are droning on about some guy who doesn't matter? To his face?

Well, it's not as if he doesn't... understand why you're not exactly happy here. It's a dilemma that he has, which we'll touch on later, that he kinda does sometimes wish you were happy and did like him, but he also realizes that pretty much everything he does is counterproductive to that. Still, this is one of those times he wishes for it. Gets childishly pouty to anyone else interacting with him, in a bad mood all day because how dare you have someone else you care about. He wants you to show that kind of concern for him.

And, although it's even more counterproductive to the possibility of you ever liking him, he decides to do something very, very spiteful. He changes his mind and says actually, he'll arrange it so that you get to see the guy. Bites his tongue and twitches at how your face lights up, but then you you have the nerve to ask if he's joking. No, he says, he's serious, it'll take a while to fetch him though. It warms your heart. Maybe he has, you know, the capacity for empathy after all. When you get called over in a few days, because he says he has something for you, you think it's that, but no, it seems to be something else. You've been good, he says, so he got you something.

A gift, in a box and everything. Go on, open it. He got it just for you. It was hard to obtain, there's only one in the world. Oh, but sit down first. You might pass out from excitement.

You don't like the happy look on his face, the light-hearted tone in his voice, it's all too uncharacteristic, and you run through possibilities, none of them good. You pick it up and you're fairly certain you know, you shake a little bit and tears start to fill your eyes, and you really don't want to open the box, but at the same time, you have to know.

He's smart about it, and takes your well-being into account, because he cares, you know? That's why he got you to sit down, if you'd been standing, see, you would have passed out and fallen and maybe hurt yourself. This way you just slump over and drop the box when you black out. That was somewhat expected, most people pass out when they see the disembodied head of a loved one, and you're no exception. You got blood on the floor when you drop it, but it was worth seeing the look on your face. Alright, well, you got what you wanted, you got to see him. See? He wasn't lying, he followed through on the promise.

How easy is it to make them mad? What does their anger look like?

Very, very easy to piss off. You often do it so unintentionally, without even knowing that the action is something that will set him off, that the reactions catch you off-guard. The actual anger varies depending on his mood that day -- some days, it's just snarling and berating, looking at you with disgust and barking at you about how stupid you are, threatening you with this or that, ultimately forcing you to apologize just to get him to leave you alone and stop being mean. He likes to feel above you, so a lot of the time he'll say something isn't worth his time getting truly angry over, and wave his hand after a few minutes and tell you to not speak to him again until he says you can. Other times, if he's in an especially bad mood, he can get kinda physically violent, throwing things, grabbing you by the hair or clothes to get in your face, pulling your hair, kneeing you in the stomach.

He can be incredibly childish and immature about offenses -- even long after the loud and explosive angry tantrum is over, he'll be passive-aggressive for a while, and is incapable of just letting it go. He brings it up over, and over, and over, like an actual child that wants to wallow in bitterness and make you feel sorry for him. This is less of an active anger, it's more pouty, but still spoken with narrowed eyes and a disgusted glare.

Also, when he's exceptionally angry, it's one of the few times he might act... not so. When he gets furious, for a few moments he'll snap into the "fake" personality we've seen in him -- smiles and laughs a bit, begins his sentence with a light hearted, saccharine tone that, by now, you know means you have severely fucked up, and you tremble and step backwards. You cower, but he grabs you by the hair, shirt, chin, anything, and his voice gets lower and lower, the smile slowly drops, until he just explodes, furiously snarling at you and pulls your hair, backhands you a few times, shoves you to the ground, before dragging you away by the hair or the shirt to go over your real punishment.

Now, there's anger, and then there's rage. He gets mad easily. He blows up, he yells, he does his little transition from smiley to mad, but if he's at the absolute upper limit of anger, he gets surprisingly... quiet. Quiet and calm. It's actually unlikely that this anger will ever be directed towards darling, as there's not really anything you can do to make him this upset. If you witness it, it's likely in the form of someone else trying to hurt you, or the aforementioned rivals. And that's an insult to him, you know? You're his property. It makes him completely blind with rage. And, the unspoken aspect of it, is that if someone is genuinely after you, the idea of you being killed or taken away terrifies him because he needs you, deep down.

This rare rage, again, (seemingly) calm and quiet, is very straightforward. The offender is staked to the ground straight through, don't worry, he can do it without hitting internal organs. And then, well, tortured to death. He's an expert in the art of pushing the limits of keeping a human being alive as long as possible. Oh, don't go anywhere. He'd like you to watch. If it's someone trying to hurt you, well, they deserve to see the reason they're dying, and if it's someone you gave your attention or affection to, he wants you to see the consequences of your choices on others, remember, it's your fault this happened, you likely enticed them. If it's that, he'll make sure you're involved. Give you choices. What would you like to see go first, a finger or the tongue?

Another little quirk is that he always has to express anger physically, even when he knows not to -- which isn't too often, but sometimes he has to accept that subordinates will be stupid and that he can't always kick them in the face for it. So when he's just in a bad mood, he gets twitchy from the need to exert physical violence. Grabs at the edge of the table with trembly hands, breaks writing utensils in half, pulls at his hair and digs his fingernails into his arms. Once you're there, though, he can take out the anger on you, unfortunately, like a living stress ball. When it's anger at other people, though, he tends to take that anger out not by hurting you, but rather, finds... other rough ways to expend some energy and exert some physical force.

So they see you as above them, beneath them, or equal to them?

What do you think?

Yeah, there's not a whole lot to say here. He's a massive narcissist, everyone is beneath him. However... notably, although he wouldn't say it out loud, he still sees you as being above other people, even though that in and of itself is a narcissistic thought process -- you have value, because you have value to him. You are important because he has deemed you important. And other people, he has deemed unimportant, worthless. You have worth... because he's decided you do. Because he has the utmost worth, so, he's just bestowing some of his own worth on you -- it's an act of benevolence, really.

And, well, as you can imagine, this attitude is very much reflected in his behavior. And, one way or another, itwill be reflected in your behavior, too.

How determined are they for you to love them? How hard will they try to make it happen? Or are they content just having you?

You might be surprised, but he actually... does try.

For someone who essentially makes your life hell, there are times where his mind starts thinking and drifting off because of some boring meeting or the like, or he's watching you go about whatever you're doing and thinks... you know, maybe it would be nice if you actually liked him. The first few times, he quickly shoves away the thought, but it starts popping into his head every now and then. Maybe the worship would be a lot better if you had adoration in your eyes instead of fear and tears. Honestly, it's still selfishly motivated, because he just thinks of how it would benefit him if you loved him, but he starts to like the idea nonetheless. And he can think of a way to make it happen. If he becomes determined to carry this out, it would be a little while into the "relationship," maybe a year or so.

He knows it won't come naturally. You need help. So, mindbreak it is.

It's not as if you're not already well on your way to mindbreak with the general way he already is, but there are certainly some things to be done that can speed up the process. Ultimately, the key to breaking you into loving him is making you need him, to make you think he's better than others, and to balance out the cruelties. The way to do this is to make you terrified of everything else, and present himself as a protection from that.

He'll arrange for accidents to occur that he can save you from -- gets an underling to pretend to break in and abduct you or the like so he can chase them off, sets a trap that nearly hurts you only to snatch you away from it.

The second tactic is to make himself seem better than your alternatives. He'll find a way -- it goes without saying he's not the only harbinger with a toy. He exaggerates how awful the others' are -- you know, that one's little toy has no arms or legs, they ripped them off. Bet you're glad he hasn't done that to you, huh? And that one only feeds their pet once a week, you get to eat normal meals every day. He finds ways to make it believable, maybe even get the others to support his claims (they gotta help each other out, you know?). You start to feel like maybe you should be a little more grateful.

And finally, it doesn't come easy but... he decides he can maybe (maybe! Don't you go getting used to this, you know) ...be nice. A word of praise here or there. The first time you hear a word of praise, you think you've gone insane, look up at him with wide eyes, and he just what, you want me to *not* say that? and you insist no no it's fine, it's fine! And as much as you wish it didn't, it makes you feel... warm inside. Good. You feel like you want more.

At the same time, you know what that means -- it's not hard to figure out that it's intentional, really, you know that, and he knows you know. You know why he's doing this. You know what the intended outcome is, and that you're falling for it perfectly. You know that your internal response means you're beginning to slip, to lose it, but... maybe that wouldn't be so bad. To put up a fight, to resist it? What good does that do, really? Your pride is already shattered and you're just going to make yourself more miserable.

Yes, if you let it happen, maybe you will finally be at ease. Resistance just makes things worse. So maybe acceptance will make things better. Maybe if you start working for the niceness and avoiding the meanness, trying to be good, trying to earn the niceness... maybe it would make you... happy. Maybe you really can love him. So eventually... you'll let go.

Bonus: Is there anything that makes them unique, in comparison to other yanderes?

He does love you, in his own way, but it's impossible for you to understand. This is where we get into the idea of sadism as love. True sadistic love is a rare thing even in yandere, and it's difficult to describe - for him, the degree of cruelty bestowed unto you IS, in a way, his way of "love." He has no idea how to express affection any other way, but it is, genuinely, caused by affection, even though he himself doesn't quite realize it, doesn't quite understand the feeling that's making him want to hurt you. Sure, his cruelty is partially a defense mechanism, a little bit of that tsundere side, but it's also something innate, instinctive. The natural reaction to the feeling of fondness is to hurt the object of that fondness. When he becomes fond of a person, he wants to harm them. He can't say why, and he doesn't exactly care why. He thinks you look pretty when you cry. When your face twists up in pain and your lip trembles, that's your most beautiful. It makes him feel powerful. In the same way a lot of people feel powerful over making their beloved cum or feel pleasure, that's how he is with pain. Well, he likes to inflict both actually, preferably at the same time.

To truly, completely own you means to be your whole world -- responsible for every bit of pleasure, pain, happiness, misery, he wants to be the cause of all of those things. Other people hurting you and making you cry makes him just as mad as other people making you smile or feel happy. They're both the same offense -- they're both trying to take away some of that ownership, some of that power. While he might utilize others harming you to his benefit, it still makes his blood boil -- not just in a "you're hurting someone I love" way, but in a "I'm the only one supposed to hurt them" way.

============================

General perverseness: how sexual of a person are they? What’s their drive like? How touchy do they get? Do they have any reservations about sexuality?

It changes gradually with time. At first, surprisingly somewhat reserved, and even more easily embarrassed, gets red in the face and shifts uncomfortably over certain topics. Doesn't mean he won't fuck you, but will be kind of cold and distant about it at first, not saying much, too embarrassed to call you nasty names and say degrading things.

(Un)fortunately for you, that changes pretty quickly, as the more confident and used to you he becomes, the more he's willing to indulge in the things that sound so nice in his head. Ok, so maybe the collar is a fetish thing, which you accused him of at the very beginning but he adamantly denied. So what? You clearly get off to it, so don't go around calling him a pervert for it.

He's in this odd middle ground where once he's actually horny and initiating it, he can get gross, and is very touchy almost all the time, but if sex comes up as a conversational topic when it's not actually occurring, he gets flustered about it, especially if you're the one to bring it up. Outside of specifically you, it's an absolute no. He's the kind of person to get outwardly disgusted at the slightest mention of the most vanilla and hand-hold-y of sexual things, or even just retch when seeing people get non-sexually romantic and loving, when hearing it from other people and tell them to shut up or get out of his sight, but at the same time is having you on a collar and leash in a workplace setting and forcing everyone around him to just tolerate that. Don't question it.

That being said, the "actually horny and initiating it" part is a frequent occurrence -- for someone who seems somewhat reserved, it's still incredibly often, almost always several times a day, and that's just actual intercourse, not counting all of the little degrading acts and words throughout the day. You'll be sore for sure.

And the touchiness is honestly partially neediness. He's touch-starved. Half the time, sure it's sexual, but it's also... nice. You're warm. Feeling your skin is comforting. He won't say that it's partially non-sexual, but sometimes will, without even consciously realize it, rest his head on your shoulder when you're sitting in his lap or the like.

How forceful are they? Do they care about your willingness?

It's better without, actually.

Of course, over time you'll learn better -- you'll learn you were just being stubborn at the time, that you should have been grateful, that it was what you wanted deep down -- but at the time, your fear is cute too.

That being said, once you reach the mindbroken state -- once you're enthusiastic, love in your eyes, bouncing up and down on his cock and thanking him for every second of it -- he has to admit that's pretty nice, too. He can enjoy it either way in the end -- whether you have that adoration and willingness, or if you don't.

The only thing he won't tolerate is if you pull the silent treatment -- trying to stay silent and now show anything on your face in an attempt to not give him the satisfaction of your reactions. Which is easily fixable. It's really not a good idea for you, because it will just make him worse in order to finally draw out some sounds.

What sort of kinks or fetishes do they have, or would they fill?

Orgasm denial/control/ruining

It's humiliating and funny at the same time, nice. But seriously, he likes to make you beg. It's nice to see you accept your place and do what you're supposed to, to openly acknowledge how little control you have.

And denial is great too, especially combined with edging. After a few days of the torture of not getting to cum, you'll finally be willing to throw your pride away and truly, truly beg, offering to do anything, and words spilling out of your mouth unprompted that you think he'd like to hear, and that's the best part, seeing the filthy things your mind can come up with to appease him enough to let you cum -- and they will be brought up later. Hey, remember when you said you would do this or that when you were begging to cum? About time to follow through right?

But if you haven't been so great, there's one thing better. Getting your hopes up and just barely letting you reach the high before pulling away completely. Your little eyes widen and you spasm and you rock your body in a desperate attempt for friction and sensation, but you're held down as the orgasm dies before ever reaching a peak. Sometimes you get so miserable about it you cry, which isn't great as it just fuels the desire to ruin it again.

And if you're so desperate to get off at any time, once you've been edged a few days, you can earn permission to either ride his thigh or get on the floor and rut into his leg until you cum. No using your hands. If you can't get off to humping like that, you don't get off. And be sure to thank him for the graciousness of allowing you to do so.

Public Humiliation

Once he gets more confident, he tells you you're going to start coming to meetings with him. He hates leaving you alone with guards he doesn't fully trust, so you'll just go too. At first you're ecstatic. This means you can finally get out of the lingerie and into real clothes, right?

And then you see the look on his face and realize what's actually happening, and it makes your blood run cold. You can fight it, but in the end you're going to be dragged by a leash in front of a room full of people on your hands and knees. If you've been relatively bad, you'll just sit at his feet, but if you're good, you get to sit up on his lap, nice and pretty so that everyone can see. He's just too possessive enough that you won't go naked, but the clothing of choice will certainly not be something you would ever, ever want to be seen in.

Oh, they give out water at these meetings. He grabs your chin and tells you he'll let you have some if you open your mouth, and you're thirsty so you do -- so he takes a swig of it and spits it into your mouth. And if you want any more, you'll have to take it the same way.

People are watching -- and you know people are watching. He's still slightly too awkward to want to be the center of attention (let's be real, there's probably fucked up things going on all over these meetings, others probably bring theirs too), but people cast glances, people smirk and chuckle at your humiliation and misery. And people envy him. You're so cute. He knows that, and he loves the power rush that comes with that knowledge. And you? Well, you don't want to throw a fit or cry in front of people -- not only would it be humiliating, but you fear the consequences, so you sit and squirm and whimper.

He's not one to start talking to others so much, though. Some yans into publicly humiliating you will make a spectacle of it, talking to the others and verbally, loudly showing you off, jeering at you and talking about you like you can't understand them (example being a certain hydro likely in the same room), but, well, honestly he just doesn't like the others well enough to speak with them unless necessary to begin with, so he actually just kind of glares and snarls at anyone that tries to interact. Again, not the center of attention, he prefers to remain a little more in the background, talking to you, soaking up your misery and beaming with pride over the glances people cast.

D/S dynamic - master/slave + petplay + humiliation + worship

If we're being honest it's more of a "this is your life now" than a dynamic. It's not that you pretend to be or act as a slave, you are one. And it's better if you accept that, really. No matter what, you say thank you after everything you get, be it rewards, punishment, anything really. And he likes to go out of his way to test the limits of that. See how far he can break down your pride before you refuse to give your proper thanks, so that he knows the limit of where he needs to start breaking you down more.

And it's whenever, wherever -- you're free use, basically, but also just tests your obedience and submission by random acts of sadism. Calls you over and tells you to get on your hands and knees so he can use you as a footrest, and you'll stay that way for a while. Grabs your jaw and tells you to open your mouth at complete random to spit in your mouth and tells you to swallow. After you grind on his leg until you cum as aforementioned, you got gross slick all over his shoes and the floor, so lick it up. Smiles at you and tells you hey, come here a sec and gives you a good backhand across the face. And what do you say? You know the answer - thank you Master. Is any of it necessary? No. But he enjoys it. It reminds you of your place, and your thanks is a measure to prove your loyalty. And he's not heartless, he'll tell you you're good for it. You start to look forward to that.

But the leash is another thing -- it ties onto your collar and he uses it to make sure you can't go too far. More importantly, uses it to pull you around and tells you good pets don't walk on two legs, they walk on four -- so you'll do the same and crawl on your hands and knees whenever he feels like it.

But worship is the best thing, really. As much as he likes doing things to you, you should be eager to show your love and gratefulness, too, which in his mind comes mostly in the form of riding him until your legs give out and deepthroating cock until you nearly black out. It would be much appreciated.

Anal sex + throatfucking

If we're being honest, it's just cute to watch you squeal and squirm. You whimper because it hurts, it feels weird in a way you're not used to, and when he cums inside your poor ass you can physically feel it and it feels so, so gross, leaking out and running down your legs. But it's better if it's by surprise, switching holes when you're not expecting it and listening to you squeak and jolt and try to pull yourself off, to listen to you beg and plead. It's adorable, really. And it makes for a good punishment that will definitely get you to behave if getting your poor ass stretched out is the threat you're dealing with. It's all cute, how you can't stand up to walk after, how you twitch and cry, and it's better if you can cum while he's fucking you because then that means you clearly enjoy it.

And your throat, too, watching your eyes tear up and feeling your throat instinctively spasm as your gag reflex kicks in. It goes pretty far down your throat, you definitely can't breathe, so you grab at his thighs and desperately try to pull off, but to no avail. And he likes making threats out of that too - when he cums down your throat, if you spill so much as a single drop of it, you won't be able to sit right for a week.

It's also nice to combine the two -- telling you so make sure you suck good and get it coated in your spit, because it's the only lube you're going to get. You have the most adorable reaction, eyes widening with fear and immediately getting to work on making sure you follow through.

Cockwarming

Eventually, as he gets more used to your presence in his workspace, and you've proven you know how to sit still without being an obnoxious nuisance, he'll decide you can help him alleviate boredom on days where there's not much to be done other than papers and the occasional subordinate coming in to be spoken to. Good thing the desk you sit at has a front to it. You're either down on your knees with cock in your mouth, or more often just sitting on his lap. The thing is that if it's that, you're dealing with cock inside you the entire time. Don't think about squirming around, it earns you a slap to the thigh and being told to stop moving so much. Are you really such an insatiable slut that you can't hold still just because you're that desperate to get off? Maybe if there's no one around you can get railed into the desk, but that doesn't mean you get to take it out -- you'll go right back so sitting the way you were before.

How do they feel about pregnancy or babies? Do they want them?

Eh, he kinda goes both ways, back and forth. The issue is that the side that thinks he might want a kid is entirely delusional, he has absolutely no idea how difficult or involved having a kid actually is, he just thinks of some... creature he thinks he can copy+paste his ideals and values and worldview onto, like a protege, an heir. Another thing is he somehow does not realize why combining himself and a child with a copy+paste personality is a recipe for disaster. Honestly, he would NOT be a good father, you would be doing 99.99% of the work while he just occasionally trains them and other stuff that he actually likes doing... the rest would be your job. So, realistically, you should hope and pray he doesn't decide he wants one.

Which is unlikely, because he also realizes that kids are a distraction, time consumption, they take up your time and attention and energy. Your time and attention and energy are essentially his property, because you are, so why would he willingly give that up? No, he's not about to watch you tire yourself out over some stupid kid and have none for him, you'd probably use tiredness as an excuse to not fuck or something, can't have that. It's... not like he likes your attention or anything... it's just that he deserves all of it and no one else does.

That being said, he is a key member of the "what the fuck is protection" club, so, it might happen anyway.

What kind of (nsfw) punishments would they use?

A better question would be what kind does he NOT use. The full spectrum of ideas is there, he mockingly kinda takes pride in the creativity. He prefers some to others, though. Less frequent ones include overstimulation and sexualization of electro torture -- light shocks to the most sensitive parts of your body, it's more fun the second time and onwards, because you tremble in fearful anticipation, desperately try to squirm away.

More frequently is just, well, the classic way, beating your ass. It's easy, quick, humiliating, and it proves a point. Spankings are incredibly common for the slightest of offenses, beating you red and raw for a defiant look or a word out of place. If you whine that it's unfair because what you did wasn't that bad, well, that just adds on more. He's the type to keep something laying around, invest in a rubber paddle or a leather strap and keep it somewhere visible, somewhere you can see it, as just a constant reminder, a threat looming over your head.

And as aforementioned, another frequent one is the threat of fucking your throat or ass or both. It leaves you sore for a long time, the taste of cum down your throat, the feeling of cum leaking out of your holes, not to mention the discomfort of the sensations themselves, potentially pain, if done roughly -- and you do not want him to be rough about it, so, be on your best behavior.

What body parts of their darling do they like the most?

Tits, but more specifically nipples. They're so sensitive. If he touches or sucks on them you squirm and moan, but if he pinches and pulls them or bites down on them hard enough, it makes you jolt and squeal, and that's a very nice reaction, really.

Also, nipple clamps. He makes heavy use of them and will also tug on it pretty harshly to get your attention.

=========================== 

[thehomothings]

Analysis of Kite's conflicting moralities, relationship with death, and the toll reincarnation may take on one's psyche

So, today I decided to compile all the thoughts I have had about Kite's interesting worldview since the first time I saw him into one post, mostly for my own sake, really. If you're familiar with the few posts I've made, you know it's gonna be a mess, but hopefully a comprehensible mess.

A heads up, this is going to be spoiler-heavy, and very much deal with subjects of death and dying as a whole. Also, some of these conclusions are drawn from my own experiences and close brushes with death, I'm not going to go into much detail but it might get personal and definitely dark. I'm not even sure if I can call this a meta-analysis, and I'm obviously no expert, so mayhaps take all of this with a grain of salt.

Been getting into drawing lately, and during the more simple and mindless part of the painstaking process of dotting every single star in this, I let my thoughts wander through the latest part of the fic I'm writing, and I got a better grasp on what exactly made Kite such an elusive character to me.

I'm not quite sure why I got so attached to Kite. Perhaps it was the air of tragedy surrounding him, how despite his sordid past he remained still open and gentle even if outlined by a healthy dose of cynicism.

But sometimes, I think it's the fact that he is so paradoxical. He's brave, yet fears death to such a degree that creates a whole Nen ability around it, is a pacifist yet will not hesitate to spill blood for his own sake or someone else's. Despite the many ultimatums and warnings of 'I will not protect you', he gave his arm and then his life to save Gon and Killua. He approaches each hunt and battle with a clear plan of action in mind, but his Hatsu takes the form of a roulette that gives him random weapons which are never what he wants, but what he seems to need for that exact situation, which he cannot dispel without using. When he draws a weapon, the decision is locked in and his or his opponent's fate is sealed. That's why each time he dubbs his weapon a bad roll. Every time he has to gamble, he sees himself as having run out of luck. When it comes to having to choose between himself and somebody else...well, there had never been a choice. In fact his aversion to using it may feed into its sheer power that we, unfortunately, saw too little of.

Let's go over his very first appearance when he saves Gon from the mother Foxbear.

It's not hard to see the strain searching for Ging has put on him; he's rash, prone to anger and punching a child for daring to get into trouble. In his mind, he's failing at his most important task, has not yet earned the right to call himself a hunter despite being in possession of his very own hunter license.

After killing the mother Foxbear and raging about having done so, he says this interesting line:

So yes, he finds killing for any reason rather irksome as most would do, yet I think something deeper caused him to absolutely lose it in this scene:

He had not been aware of Gon's identity, and despite being an animal lover and a naturalist, he made a choice to save the human instead of allowing nature to run its course. In fact, he says: 'No beast that harms a human must be allowed to live.'

How does one weight one life against another? How is the worth of it determined? The value of life... an impossible choice he's faced with and a choice which he seems to regret to some degree.

The Foxbear cub.

Here, he's speaking from experience, a tangible loss he has felt himself, and a hard and bitter life he does not want to impose on the cub.

His backstory is exclusive to the 2011 anime adaptation but there are hints alluding to it in the manga, for example, the fact that he does not seem to know his birthplace, or:

The choice of words is chilling.

Reading between the lines, one could draw the conclusion that he is an orphan. Something supporting this hypothesis is how he visibly deflates after Gon tells him his parents have (presumably) died.

So we see he is willing to go against his own moral code of not killing as to not doom another living being to the life he led, a lonely, hopeless existence that could barely be called one. He saw it best to put down the cub rather than leave it to die a painful, slow death.

The reason Kite himself isn't as cynical and cold-hearted as one would be after witnessing cruelty in its rawest form is those small crumbs of human kindness which he may have found in Ging.

It was not only a chance at an honorable life being Ging's apprentice gave him, but it also 'saved' him from being broken and twisted into what he hated and worst of all, death.

If we take that one minute of backstory as canon to his character-which I find myself inclined to do- these quirks of his make much more sense. He lived on the run. He lived on the knife's edge between giving up or pushing forwards. He lived as so a wrong move could be the difference between survival and the end.

Between rock and a hard place creates a mentality of black and white, absolute good or extreme evil, this or that. Except in reality, it's much harder than that. Deciding who to save and who to strike down is a heavy burden to bear.

It's almost easy to see how struggling to keep surviving could lend itself to a crippling fear of death and subsequently developing a Nen ability which once more goes against his own moral code in order to give himself a second chance...yet something about it strikes me as unlikely when I look at it this way.

Living life knowing it could end at any moment has the opposite effect, at least for me it did. One comes to accept that it is fleeting and while not eager to let it go, when death eventually and inevitably does come, there is no fighting it.

Especially when there is no hope that tomorrow will be a better day than this one.

Frequent near-death experiences numb one's fear in a way, even if it drives them to take precautions that render it unlikely to happen again and results in c-PTSD, but still, it does. It sparks a certain nihilistic view of 'if it all can end so easily, then what's the point of it all?'

Unless there are things to live for, a sure promise of a better future, and Ging gave Kite that. When he faced the threat of losing his second chance at life:

Really, what else could lead someone to develop the ability of 'the hell I'm going to die like this'?

I think a separate event, an even more brutal near-death experience that almost cost him his life as the hunter he so strived to be set him off to develop the secret roll of Crazy Slots, what I call Roll No.0, Ars moriendi. Unlike other weapons, it cannot come up in random and is directly summoned by him, or better said, summon by his overwhelming will to keep going and hopelessness of fighting a losing battle. I don't believe roll No.3 was the weapon that allowed him to reincarnate. I've named that one Wand of Fortune, a sort of armor instead of an offensive weapon since I find it hard to believe Kite, a Conjurer, would not focus on defences as well, and I will go into both mechanisms of these weapons hopefully in his backstory.

Despite knowing this battle to be a pointless one and being acutely aware of his soon to be demise, he did not immediately draw Ars moriendi, no, he stayed back and fought for the sake of the boys, kept Neferpitou occupied until they could reach safety. We can see evidence of this in the aftermath of the battle that seemed to have gone on until dawn, a torn apart landscape only signaling a fraction of the devastation that was Kite's power unleashed. It still wasn't enough.

In the anime sub I watched, when Gon apologizes to Ging about Kite's death, Ging said a sentence that infuriated me, because it belittled the utter suffering of the NGL trio.

"He would not die in your place." (No screenshot, sorry)

And I remember practically shouting at the screen, screaming 'how could you possibly say that? Of course he did. He absolutely did die in their place. How could you not know your own apprentice? Why-'

It was only last night that it hit me why Ging would say that.

Once upon a time, maybe Kite would not have given his life for anybody under any circumstances, even if he had a way out of it all. He would still need to die to come back to life.

His Thanatophobia could be attributed to the (possibly untreated) PTSD of the near-death experience in his later life, being so certain of dying that finding himself alive afterwards drove him to never want to go through that again. He quieted his fear by creating a sort of a loophole, that even if he lost the battle he would remain. Ging remembered that, but as evidence shows, something changed. Maybe he healed a bit, perhaps growing up dulled his fear to a certain degree, but eventually when it came down to his life or another's, he didn't choose himself.

Now, I can hear you saying 'but he didn't die, so what are you going on about??' And so I reply: Yes, he is alive, but he did die. He experienced that painful, horrible moment of staring death in the eyes and thinking 'This is it, this is the end', went through the actual process of having his soul removed from his body. And that moment stretches into infinity, ten lifetimes condensed into the mere seconds before oblivion.

Dying isn't so hard if one stays dead.

It's not so easy to open one's eyes and find oneself alive again after that, no matter how much that is the heart's desire. It's difficult, nigh-impossible to reconcile with life and walk amongst the living when everything had been so final, when death had been accepted to its fullest.

So Kite awakens, the twin of Meruem and back from the dead, his mind and identity both intact and fractured. In that he is Kite is no mistaking, yet he is not the same gentle pacifist whose first reaction upon sensing a monster's aura was to shield two kids from it at the cost of his arm.

I don't think many of you are familiar with Zoroastrian ideology, but Togashi is known for loving his religious imagery, and it's not only Christianism he derives inspiration from (evidence of which can be seen all over Kite's character and resurrection).

In Zurvanism-a branch of Zoroastrianism- there is talk of the twin spirits: Ahura Mazda -epitome of all that is good- and Ahriman -epitome of all that is evil-, the parent god Zurvin decides that the firstborn may rule in order to bring "heaven, hell, and everything in between."

Upon becoming aware of this fact, Ahriman forcibly tears through the womb to emerge first. Sounding familiar yet?

Zurvan relents to this turn of events only on one condition: Ahriman is given kingship for 9000 years, and then Ahura Mazda may rule for eternity.

Meruem ruled for 40 days, his death leaving the throne vacant for ant Kite, wearing a dead girl's face and seeming to be brewing some nefarious plan. No more is there any sign of that unrelenting pacifism and the sanctity of life he held so high, losing his own may have only served to show him how meaningless the pain and suffering he went through had been, dying only to be reborn as a member of the species that killed him. It may be that he has no desire to rule over the remaining Chimera ants or create an army of his own-

Yet I dread to think what a broken mind possessing limitless power might do to the world.

And that's it. If you made it this far, thank you for reading! If you found it interesting, stay tuned, as I think a lot and I will make it your problem.

[queerasaurus-rexx]

i think my biggest problem with severus snape's characterization is more a meta problem with the way he was written than a problem with snape himself.

jkr went really hard making snape sus from the beginning, maybe too hard, to the point where i think she ended up writing herself into a corner when she ended up writing the plot twist and deciding snape had to die.

book seven kind of felt like she was working backwards from 'wouldn't it be weird if harry named his son after snape' and doesn't consider that she hadn't really written him enough of a redemption to warrant that.

and maybe it's just me being subjective, as it's really hard for me to see a character as redeemed if they don't live to deal with the consequences of their actions.

and his actions in seventh book are kind of shitty if understandable. i'm not talking about his interactions with harry. i'm talking about him not doing anything about the carrows torturing students. like i said, i understand that as per his cover he couldn't tell them to stop, but we can still acknowledge that's shitty. it's something that, relatively speaking, would still feel some degree of guilt for. because no matter what, children were being tortured on his watch and that kind of shit haunts people. because i don't imagine snape, who watched his father abuse his mother (and while canon doesn't explicitly state snape himself was abused, i'm certain the affects of that would still have fucked him up and i kind of wish we had seen more of him being vulnerable.) not being affect by that?

again, i know there was nothing he really could have done, but i think killing snape off cut off the potential for some people (like myself) to see him as redeemed.

there are several other things that, generally speaking don't feel like they make sense with his background and i blame that more on the way he was written and not on him.

is this a pro snape post? i don't know. but i guess i'm saying after some of the points brought up by snape stans, i've

softened on him slightly.

also, i just wanna say i'm sorry for accidentally posting anti snape content in the pro snape tag - i wasn't aware anti snape content had it's tag (i'm still getting used to tumblr) and i'm also sorry i made that whole post about snape not being abused in my opinion. i said some really shitty things and probably hurt some people and for that, i am genuinely sorry. i was wrong.

[hamliet]

Hi Hamliet, hope you are well. This is maybe a sensitive question, and I'm really sorry if it's too much of a heavy subject! But I've been thinking about Endeavor's redemption arc. As a survivor myself, I obviously have very strong feelings of anger and disgust towards his actions, and these recent chapters have been extremely hard to process (the one with Tenko's backstory was worse though, it was a real punch in the gut. I cried. Boy did I cry.) At the same time, I feel a weird sense of

wish fulfillment. Finally, the abuser is trying to be better. The abuser is putting his family first. The abuser is apologizing. It’s something that will never happen for most victims, so in a way it’s nice to read about. I want Endeavor to succeed in becoming a better person, maybe because I know my own abuser never will. Even though as a survivor I feel like I ”should” hate his arc, I don’t. I think it’s a way for a child to get their own wish fulfilled through this media. What do you think?

I think that you are valid and have no reason to be sorry. There is no one right way for an abuse survivor to feel, nothing you “should” feel or do in response. Anyone who shames you for feeling that way, survivor or not, needs to be quiet.

It’s part of what I mean when I’ve talked in the past about competing needs--some people will find this kind of story healing, and some will not, and that’s okay. On the Enji front and on the Dabi front, that’s okay. We need to have room for all these stories, though I’m aware certain stories are also privileged over others and shouldn’t be. But survivors, like every group, are not a monolith, and can want contrasting things that are equally helpful for them.

I’ve briefly alluded to BNHA reading like exactly what you say: wish fulfillment on behalf of a survivor who really wants to imagine their abuser becoming better. And that’s not wrong. It’s really not, and I’m cautiously hopeful it’ll be a decently good redemption arc: done for the sake of his family, who don’t want him to die. I love many of the people who abused me and believe they loved me. It’s just complicated and can’t necessarily be understood with logic.

If it comforts you personally, I’ll give a personal prediction: I get people wanting Enji to die, really I do, or to at least separate himself permanently from his family, but I sincerely doubt that is going to happen. (Though I understand why people think this and this is just my personal prediction.) I also sincerely doubt Touya will die. The Todoroki family is aiming for reconciliation, whether they’re “arrived” in the end or just working towards it (either works narratively). I don’t personally love it, but I do not believe Enji’s dream about his family without him is going to be the ending, but instead be something he has to be willing to let happen to have a chance of sitting at a table with them again. And I get why that has appeal to people, I really do. I think Horikoshi is writing it this way.

I’m not going to speculate about why or how, but as long as things are not swept under the rug (I don’t think they will be), I don’t think it’s an inherently “harmful” story to tell--it might not be healing for everyone, for sure it won’t be, but it might be healing for you, and that’s good. People who want to critique it are allowed to do so, and people who draw strength from it are allowed to do so, and no one has the right to tell another person that they should not feel as they do or that they can’t sit at the table with other survivors or fans of the story or whatnot.

(What I do take issue with is people being intellectually dishonest about where the story is going, like the people who say Touya or Tenko were the bad seeds and deserved it, or that Hana deserved it, or Shouto, etc. No one has to like it, but to accuse people of horrific things like “excusing murder” is bullying and just dishonest. You don’t have to have a degree in anything other than human decency to realize anyone who disagrees with you is not necessarily a blight on society)

[epicwriting]

Delivery Takeaways

A bit over a year ago, I started making a living off of delivering food through various delivery platforms. Although the work itself is quite simple and straightforward, I learned a couple of interesting things that I like to share with you.

Traffic troubles

I'll start with what I learned from being on the road. Many days a week I ride my e-bike through the city. One of the things I've noticed is that there are many people, especially among pedestrians, in whom I recognise a hostile attitude towards me, or a frightened one.

Some pedestrians seem to be annoyed by my presence in busy streets while the elderly ones sometimes show an overly anxious response when I'm only passing by slowly.

Of course it has to do with the general reputation that we have as riders. Even though I really try to be of least hindrance to other traffic participants as I can, this surely doesn't count for many other riders on scooters and e-bikes. Judging from the way some of them drive, they seem to have a dead-wish or would like to kill somebody by chance. But of course they don't. Most of them are just around 16 years of age and haven't developed a true sense of danger yet. They simply don't realise yet how dangerous and annoying it is what they do.

I've played with the idea of becoming such a fast rider myself too. But I came to the conclusion that, if I were to have an accident which could be blamed on me and my recklessness, it would completely defeat the purpose of doing what I do. Of course I work for money, but not at all cost. I want to feel like I'm contributing something positive to society/my city. If I would put others and myself in danger in order to make more money, that would take away the idea that I'm contributing. What's a few people happy with food worth if you injure somebody in the process?

For this reason I drive safely. The way others decide to behave in traffic is not my choice and therefore I don't care. Even if they're a danger to my health. What other people decide to think of me and the way they respond is not up to me either. If it's negative then it's most likely because of some prejudice they have about riders and not because of what I do.

Working is more fun if you don't have to

You have to know how a delivery platform works; you can go online whenever you want and deliver orders. When you want to stop you just go offline again. This thing in itself is great in my opinion and causes much less stress for many people than the traditional 'having to show up on time' principle. In fact I think that, despite the technology facilitating this is very advanced, this is actually the way work used to be organised earlier in our history.

In a world in which people didn't have clocks to keep the time and household calendars were a rarity, most work was probably organised by just showing up. But I'm drifting off here. What I want to point out is that our souls are not constant, but rather in motion. At least mine is. Some days I feel like working, some I don't. Sometimes I want to start early, sometimes late. It is a great good to me to be able to decide for myself when I do work according to what I feel like at that moment. This freedom is what decides part of my inner peace.

Perhaps this is not something everyone would agree with. Some people like the compulsory times set by an employer. They like to wake up early in the morning anyway and couldn't be with themselves alone for a minute. But for many people this is not the case. For me and many people it's the compulsory element of 'having to show up' that gives them a feeling of not being free. This often results in a certain resentment towards the job in general, while it's not the job itself that people dislike but rather the restriction of freedom that it gives them. I know that it's something that shouldn't matter but to me it does.

I probably work more than I have ever done before and, at times of the day on which I wouldn't want to work on before, while at the same time experiencing little stress from it. And this is because I can work but don't have to. I even feel the freedom to dedicate some of my time to write a column. I think there are many people like me who would at least be more productive at work if they were completely free to decide when to work. Organising this would not be possible in every type of business, I'm aware of that, but many people would be served by it. The technology to make this possible is being developed rapidly...

By the way, I don't think all work can be organised in such a flexible way. Therefore I do have respect for those who are fine with a working schedule and don't feel resentment towards their job because of it.

Not everyone is your friend

Apart from working with the app and taking part in traffic I've also gotten to know many people through my job. Something that I've learned is that if you value your time, you don't really want to get to know too many people too well. What do I mean by that?

Well... Being acquainted with many people is fine to me, but searching a friendship in every person I have a chat with is not what I aspire to do. But this was different or at least not clear to me when I started delivering. Back when I started, there was a somewhat established community of riders in my city that knew each other.

When I first came into this I didn't know anyone and they didn't know me. This isn't a bad thing and I guess normal if you start working somewhere new. But this was something I wasn't very experienced with and I guess I did not know yet how to keep some healthy distance from people you don't know very well. Not that something traumatic happened, but it stirred me up quite a bit for a while with a lot of emotions that were unnecessary to say the least.

I talked with many people and shared rather personal unnecessary things with people I didn't know well at all. I guess I believed that part of my happiness depended on the what my colleagues thought of me and, I thought talking to many different people and finding common ground was the way to make them like me. How insecure and foolish I was!

I guess the talking in itself wasn't really a bad thing, but the motivation behind it and the amount was. I guess for me my desire to talk originated partly from insecurity, but it changed.

Nowadays when I talk to somebody I don't know well, I try to approach them with kindness and respect, but I also try to observe them well. I try to observe whether I can see the symptoms of an illness, not of the body but of the soul. And usually I find one or more, sometimes directly, sometimes after letting it sink in for a few days. Not that I place myself above them; I after all suffer from illnesses of the soul too, just like anyone to some degree. But it gives a certain confidence when being around people to understand their soul a bit; to understand what they want and fear.

I still talk to colleagues and others when I'm working. But now it comes from a place of curiosity rather than insecurity about myself. One final thing I want to add is that I find people that approach me with in a more neutral, not overly enthusiastic way to be more stable and trustworthy people than the ones that approach me and try to intentionally make a good impression. It are often the ones that you know the least at first that stick with you the longest.

[emma-what-son]

(Echee post) Emma Watson criticises 'dangerously unhealthy' pressure on young women

Posted on March 30 2014

From theguardian.com March 2014 Emma Watson has criticised the "dangerously unhealthy" image projected by the fashion industry and said the pressure to look perfect has taken its toll on her. The actor has also described her doomed attempts to merge into the background as a student at an American university, where she found herself being trailed everywhere by British photographers. After the recent New York premiere of Noah, she tweeted a photograph of the array of cosmetics – and a guardian angel pin – that she said were essential aids to her flawless appearance, and another of herself in a backless dress captioned: "I did NOT wake up like this." The actress said she is better at taking criticism these days than she once was. "As a younger woman, that pressure got me down, but I've made my peace with it. With airbrushing and digital manipulation, fashion can project an unobtainable image that's dangerously unhealthy. I'm excited about the ageing process. I'm more interested in women who aren't perfect. They're more compelling." Watson became famous playing Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies and has been constantly in work since. She is about to start filming a thriller, Regression, by Alejandro Amenábar and is also trying to complete her degree at Brown University, Rhode Island. She enrolled in 2009 for what would have been a four year course, but has taken several breaks for film work, and spent a year studying at Oxford. "After Harry Potter, all that mattered was university," she said, in an interview with the Sunday Times. "It wasn't always easy to break down barriers, as having men from the British press following me with cameras didn't help my mission to integrate. The American press, by contrast, "afforded me so much privacy", but her fellow students recognised her at once. "On the first day, I walked into the canteen and everyone went completely silent and turned around to look at me. I had to say to myself 'it's OK, you can do this'. You just have to take a deep breath and gather your courage."

GUARDIAN COMMENTERS SAY: So something like this Burberry campaign she did a few years ago? Hypocrisy at its finest. She flaunts with the fashion industry and enjoys its perks all the time, but hops on the 'female beauty' bandwagon and enjoys a moan when it suits her. I'd find her socially conscientious pleas convincing if she hadn't profited in the hundreds of thousands (if not millions) from the big, bad, evil fashion/beauty industry. A few years ago, Emma Watson appeared in high-profile advertising companies for posh Paris fashion house L'ancome. I'm guessing she was handsomely remunerated for her 'work'. Certainly she was not forced into letting her photo shopped image be used to market expensive cosmetics and perfumes. Did she only discover how 'oppressive' the fashion industry is when L'ancome cancelled her lucrative contract? Ms Watson is essentially a third-rate actress, and her pronouncements on large and complex issues, such as the pressures on women, are so idiotically vapid that one is brought to conclude that she really can have very little aptitude for higher education. I mean, her comments are hardly indicative of an educated person, or even of a moderately literate or intelligent person. By the way, I understand that she spent a year at Oxford as a visiting and/or exchange student while enrolled at Brown. How come? She is a British national, and so by rights she should not have gone to Oxford on a visiting/exchange student programme, irrespective of whether she happens a student at an American university. If I am wrong about this, then I should like to have some explanation as to her status at Oxford, and how she came by it. Otherwise, I suppose that one might be forgiven for thinking that it is yet another case of a once respectable academic institutions bowing down before the false idols of celebrity and money. (This is quite apart from the fact that all that one has read about her since she began life as a student concerns her acting career, her modeling and her various boyfriends.) SOME COMMENTS FROM THE DM ARTICLE Notice how it's always people who are very aware of how attractive they are that babble on about how it's okay to have physical blemishes? I'd like to see an ugly person say the same thing. Only someone young, beautiful and with her whole life before her can say that, and mean it. Sometimes, her comments maKe her more stupid. Get lost and Wingardium Leviosa. What a daft thing to say. But, then again, this is coming from someone who can't seem to finish uni. I feel like I've aged about 10 years reading this article. Annoying girl. Not only annoying, but also pretentious and disingenuous. ^None of this is my words. It from commentators from two sites emma-what-son posted many more so check out her page

Here's what I think As for what she is saying about Brown it's a complete 180 from how she described it before 2013. In 2013 she started to elude to the fact it was not as great as she made it out to be. She gushed how wonderful her experiences had been to so many magazines. Now I think she's looking for pity and to have excuses why she never stayed at Brown. She preached how she was staying put. I am so fucking tired of having to post quote after quote proving my point with this when she lies time after time. She is not honest! What the truth is doesn't matter because she always lying. It's a constant thing with her. As for the pressures on women she is really a piece of work. The guardian commenters summed it up nicely. She had no problem attaching herself to Burberry and Lancôme. She's had no problem giving them praise and talking about fashion and make-up in just about every interview. That part where she talked about photo shopping and air brushing. Just wow! Did she see the Wonderland magazine she edited? Some photos it didn't even look like her. She'll continue allowing her image to be manipulated no matter what. She thinks she’s aging? She still looks 15 without all the make-up and photo shopping. Last year she was stopped at JFK because they thought she was a unaccompanied minor. Did you know one of the product she pushed when modeling for Lancôme was an anti-age cream? That's the dumbest comment in her entire interview. But really she's said this kind of stuff the last three years and most notably in 2011 where she had a various quotes about body image and being comfortable in your skin. I wont bore you with those quotes since I have before. She gets lauded for those comments and people place her in role model status but when you closely look at it they were just words that meant nothing at the time other than to make people think, “Emma is so anti-Hollywood!! She’s a role model for women and young girls” but meanwhile she never believed in any of it in the first place. At the time she said those things she was at a more healthier weight than she ever was. In 2011 you can tell she either stopped working out or ate more. I thought she looked her best then. Now she’s back to stick thin and even surpassed it a way IMO is unhealthy. She sending a bad message to women. From standard.co.uk July 2011, “She sees modeling as an extension of acting, in fact - just playing a role - but is conflicted about its demands. “I think the pressure the media and the fashion industry put on women to look a certain way is pretty intense. There’s a certain tyranny to trying to achieve that kind of beauty. I don’t know, I’m maybe not the best person to speak about this because I obviously completely adhere to it,” she laughs nervously. “ ^She really needs to start taking her own advice and quit being a judgmental hypocrite. Not just with this topic but everything she tends to speak out against that she does it herself. Recently she tweeted a photo of all this make-up and I posted this on my tumblr days ago

^Same phone in this photo is what they're using in the bottom photo that I also posted on tumblr She said something else recently (Sunday Times interview) that is just typical Emma. I covered this a few times. From emmawatsonbelgium.blogspot.be March 2014, "For someone who has starred in eight blockbuster movies and is worth an estimated £30m, she is endearingly modest about how green she felt leaving Harry Potter behind in 2011. Emerging from that magical machine was “really intimidating”, she says. “I’d done two tiny plays when I was, like, six and eight, but I wasn’t driven to act. I wasn’t doing Oscar acceptance speeches into a hairbrush." Yeah it might have no been a hairbrush but who knows she could be lying about that. She'd practice her speeches in mirrors. From telegraph.co.uk July 2007,  "Pauline is utterly obsessed with being an actress and I was just like that when I was younger. I dreamt of it. I practised speeches in front of mirrors. Whenever there was a part at school, I went for it. I was probably a bit of a show-off in the sense that any chance to get up and be seen, I did it. I was such a drama queen. I used to wail and moan and cry, and little things were blown up into being big things. I don't know how my parents stood it, really. I've grown up a bit. I've had to. I actually really want to be an actress, a proper actress who makes it her career. I'm always expecting to be found out and I thought, If I'm no good, now is the time to find out." She really wants people to think she all of a sudden wants to act. What I think is she is really trying to distance herself from her lack luster post Potter career by making it out like she now wants to act and that’s why she has no lead roles because her resume does not equal her hype. The last few years she’s separated herself from “always wanted to be an actress” to “I was not sure”. She’s being disingenuous as usual and people believe it. Plus she said she did modeling so directors and producers would look at her differently so that's why she used Burberry and Lancôme. And she did a course at RADA in 2008 so if she was not sure or didn't want to than why did she do these things? One more thing from the Sunday Times interview From emmawatsonbelgium.blogspot.be March 2014, "It’s about as close as she’ll get to revealing anything about her newest relationship, with Matt Janney, rugby hunk and Oxford’s most eligible bachelor. “I can’t comment on it, I’m sorry,” she says, suddenly jumping up and hastily bundling her things back into her bag, which has exploded across the sofa beside her. “I’m trying to keep my private life sacred, although I don’t want to lock myself up and never go out. So I guard it, because I don’t date people who are famous, and I don’t think it’s fair that, all of a sudden, intimate details of their personal life are public as a direct result of me. I find that so uncomfortable, and I wish there was a way I could protect those people, but it’s not in my control.” When I suggest her boyfriends are consenting adults, she looks worried. “But you don’t choose who to love, who you have feelings for, do you?” She throws her phone into her bag and retreats home to pack, as she’s flying to LA. Just a normal girl, then, off to present an Oscar."

So she can go to international magazines and complain she can't find a man or that men are intimidated by her? She had in the past before Will Adamowicz. It was in almost every one of her interviews for a few years. So she can use Matt Janney (this new guy) on a beach in a bikini PDA session as a publicity stunt to cover up her ex boyfriend being caught rolling coke bombs and also use him to product place an iPhone in Madrid but she wants to keep it private? And she doesn't date famous guys? What about Johnny Simmons (Young Neil) and George Craig (Front man for rock group One Night Only)?  If you can Google their name and you see them in movies or music videos, they're famous.